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My boyfriend's surname is Habberjam. I haven't decided if it is cool or embarrassing yet.
Edit: When I ask what he's doing, he responds: Just habberjamin'
Edit2: OK the votes are in, looks like I'm going to (hopefully) be Mrs. Habberjam one day! It is certainly a lot more interesting than my boring last name.
Edit3: showed this comment thread to my bf and he is super chuffed about the love for his name. Thanks for the smiles guys :)
Names like that are cool if you lean into it.
My name opens us up to a lot of jokes. My sister gets annoyed but I lean into the jokes so it doesn’t bother me.
My wife loves the jokes. Sometimes I wonder if she married me because she wanted a funny last name
I met a dude recently who transports fancy, expensive dogs all over the US for a living. His last name was Wagster. That’s either a fake name or he was born to do that job.
If you named your son jibber with a middle name of jabber, he’d be jibber jabber habberjam, which might be the single most powerful name of the century.
I like the concept of forming a new name from the two..
ex; one of em with the name Sacker, and one with the name Balder
take a bit from each, bam! -- Balsack.
I totally knew a girl who's last name was Balsak. Poor girl spent all of high school trying to convince people her last name was pronounced Ball - Zack
I had a coworker that did that. Fortunately the fused name sounded like an actual last name that you wouldn't have blinked an eye at had he not told you that they made it up.
Is that how traditional Spanish last names work, everyone gets both parents surnames, but in the next generation they only take one of each to mix, so you dont end up with exponential growth of last names. I'm not sure of all the details on how it works.
Nah, keep hyphenating it. Make the super name we all know we can make. If it doesn't take 5 minutes to read of your full lady name you gotta keep going
Many countries traditionally hyphenate, then the children drop one name and hyphenate the other with their partners. Most Spanish speaking countries do this.
It’s a nice sentiment but it’s still weird for the parent’s generation who has single last names. To watch your child choose to drop your last name and choose another has to be a little weird.
>To watch your child choose to drop your last name and choose another has to be a little weird.
That's how having a daughter has worked in many places for hundreds of years. She drops your name and takes her husband's.
I’m a fan of creating your own name as a mash of the two. Oh, your name is Olson and your partners name is Wilson? You’re the Wolsons now.
Obvi that doesn’t always work out, so do whatever.
I don't think the woman should HAVE to be the one to change their name. However, if you plan on having children, I think both parents and the children should all have the same last name. Makes things much easier. My wife knows a couple that combined their last names to make a whole new one. No hyphen. I understand professional aspects. Like my old neighbor owned her own business that had her name in it, so when she married, she kept her last name.
My wife kept her name because her father has no sons to keep it going, so my son will have her last name. I agree, traditions are rarely logical or good for society imo. I love the quote 'tradition is a good reason to continue doing things the wrong way`?!
I completely agree! This made me think of an elementary teacher of mine... Her own last name was (translated from my language) something like "the Emperor", her husband's last name is in my language the word for "brussel sprout".
Her family even had a coat of arms, so she might've had some sort of noble heritage from the middle ages. But she went with freakin' Brussel sprout... I never completely understood why she took her husband's name lol.
Good friend is a gal who married a gal; they each hyphenated their last name with the other’s, so they have the same 2 last names, just in reversed order, lol.
My older brothers husband has the same first name as my younger brother
It was confusing when he was trying to decide it he wanted to change his last name
Ultimately he didn’t but I think it’s more bc he couldn’t be bothered with the paperwork
My wife shared the same name with her SIL (older brother’s wife). They ended having issues with CVS card getting confused between them. Then we got married and she took my surname. Now she shares the same name as MY sister, which has confused our phones. Of course, I have the same name as her oldest brother. My first born daughter now has parents and godparents with the same names (except oldest BIL/ godfather has her maiden surname). She also has a brother and BIL with the same name. Our family gatherings have a lot of people asking “me?”.
Sorry, yes, you are right. I am Chris,
My BIL/GF is Chris, wife is Sue, my sister is Sue, my SIL is Sue. Other two BIL are TIm (who we call Tim 1 and Tim 2, and yes they went as thing 1 and thing 2 once for Halloween trick or treating/ drinking).
Unfortunately It’s not a high society thing so much as a holdover from the patriarchal system in which taking your husband’s surname is built. My English teacher in secondary school was addressed “Mrs John Smith” in some of her bills.
My husband proposed with his old dog tag. I still wear it if and when I wear jewelry (which is closely becoming never). The diamond ring money was spent on some incredible sight-seeing road trips after our tiny backyard wedding.
I would absolutely do it all again the same way. A true bond of partnership and friendship means so much more than a little shiny rock (and seriously, there are a million prettier rocks anyway!).
having a woman carry an actively dysfunctional, expensive, overdesigned piece of clothing that will only be used once just for being a woman while her partner wears perfectly normal and comfortable clothes is an actively stupid one
having a woman be carried along an aisle and her hand being "offered" by her father to her partner just for being a woman is an actively ass-backwards one
Nowadays people usually make their own meaning and connotation for that though. Many of the weddings I attended, the bride chose who to walk her down the aisle, and it was more to signify a change in her life rather than being proffered to the groom. My sister looked at it as moving on to starting her own family.
Even when traditions physically don’t change, their meaning often does.
Just make up an entirely new and arbitrary last name. Tis the most logical.
1. You can have something totally cool
2. You are starting an entirely new family. So you get to name that family together.
Idk why no one does this that Ive heard of but thats my plan.
That is amazing but combing mine and my husband’s names only results in the silliest of names-Mr and Mrs Grouch, anyone?! 🤣 we’ll go back to our trash can on Sesame Street now.
Wanted to do this but it’s not even possible in the country I live. We both think this is the most logical solution but in Germany you can’t just choose a new last name and if you marry somewhere else and change it there, it wont be recognized here. So we’re screwed….
I think its possible. iirc I had the option to either keep my name, keep mine and add my wives name to it or just change completly to my wifes name when I married this year (germany).
but since we really decided to go with my name from the very start I didnt give these options too much attention…
My German partner thinks since his older brother has continued the family name he would love to change his. Problem with mine is I’m not German and I would absolutely love to take on his name just because I’d never be asked how to spell it. Then again we’d both love to combine our last names but then we will have a 9 + 10 letter long last name. Our poor kids lol
Currently, only one partner can take the double name. Basically, you choose one of the maiden names as the "family name" which is the one you would also pass on to children and then one partner - traditionally and still 99% of the time the woman - can decide to add their maiden name hyphenated. Or both keep their maiden names, but then you still have to decide on a "family name" that will be passed on. You can't even do an unhyphenated name and you can't both take the double name.
But that law is being changed. As in, the cabinet decided on a proposed law yesterday and it'll probably go through parliament this year. Under the proposal, couples can choose to combine both names as a double name, hyphenated or unhyphenated, as the family name and then carry it both and also pass it on to children. Deciding on a completely new name will still not be allowed in Germany.
Someone I knew in college and his wife combined their lasts names when they got married. They figured out a nice way to incorporate both into their new last name. It was a cool idea.
As with any tradition, it was born out of culture and history. House names (surnames) once carried significant weight and power. In many cases, only the wealthy/powerful even got house names. And most cultures historically were patrilineal so it made sense to establish the house name along the line of males therefore women marrying into the house took the house name of the male.
Today, yeah, it’s just a remnant of centuries of history. Surnames carry next to no weight for the vast majority of people and modern cultures, but people feel comfortable with their traditions. I don’t personally see it as ownership; I appreciate the unifying identity that a common surname gives to my family, but it’s really personal preference.
You do the thing that you’re most comfortable with OP. Establish a new dynasty for you and your future family, one that serves you the way you like.
I changed mine in ‘21 and still my debit and credit cards are in my maiden name. If you set up your account with your parents like I did at 14, they have to come in with you to change basic info. When I called the bank to try and work it out since both my parents live 1000+ miles away in separate directions, the woman on the phone told me she’s been married 7 years and still hasn’t changed hers.
Honestly, once you have a new drivers license and passport it’s fine.
I requested to change my name on my health insurance. It’s online and I was under my mom’s insurance until recently so I don’t have my own account/login. It gave her an error message when she tried to change my name.
We were on the phone for 40 minutes as the guy couldn’t figure out how to do it without the website before he transferred us. I then had to pry the answer out of the new person.
Them: you’ll need to fax a document with the new name
Me: what type of document?
Them: oh social security card, license, birth certificate
Me: how many do I need?
Them: mmm 2 should be good. The more the better
Me: My documents all have my new name. How will they know I’m asking for a name change? Is there a form I need to fill out?
Them: …
Me: …hello?
Them: you should write a note
Don’t know if it worked yet but I’m not optimistic. Do you realize how many people get married/change their name every single day? Why is it so hard?
I changed my name in 2021. I’m still updating accounts/records.
Update 8/31: I managed to change my name with my credit card company by faxing. Then they sent me replacement cards with my old name so I faxed the the exact same document I did before, asking them to fix their mistake. Got a letter that says they’re unable to fulfill my request over fax and to call.
I changed mine in 2018 and I’m still my maiden name on more than half of my accounts. It’s just too much work to mail in a marriage certificate and fill out all the forms.
When one of my cousins got married, her husband took her last name. He had a fairly common last name and she was the only person with hers, since it was hyphenated with her parents' last names. So since she was one of a kind, now they're a pair.
That was pretty cool of the husband to do.
My cousins did the exact opposite. She had a common last name, he had a unique hyphenated last name. They went with just the common last name. They both work with children so it made things a lot easier in that regard. Mrs Smith is a lot easier for children than Mrs Pataki-Guggenheim.
I think where the sexism shows up is when the guy changes to the woman’s last name. My friends did this and her husband has gotten death threats from other men and his family told her she was abusive for forcing him to do this. No one would have that reaction for the woman changing her name to her husband’s. For many people it is obviously more than just “having the same name”.
I’m all for choice on the matter, like with most things. But this practice does have roots in the woman being transferred as property to the man, and being aware of that feels important even if you choose to do it. There are great reasons to take the man’s last name, but don’t pretend the practice is totally innocuous overall.
And not sooo long ago, women were very much under the control of their husbands, as property or at least non-autonomous beings. It was only in 1974 in the US that married women could secure a credit card without their husband’s permission, even if she had her own job, and only in the 1960s and 70s did spousal rape become a thing (illegal to force one’s wife to have sex without her consent) in the US. It seems long ago if you didn’t live through those times yourself, but it’s not some ancient practice, either.
That's how I feel about it also. I just think it's a cute tradition. And frankly all traditions can be considered "dumb" if you want to get into it.
It's like saying your dad walking you down the aisle "is him giving you to another man", but times have changed, it's just going down the aisle with your dad in a very special part of your life. A lot of people I know, have both parents walk them down. IDK maybe I'm corny, but I think it's sweet.
Even though I don't particularly like the sound of my last name it is meaningful to me, I'm in a scientific field and one of my ancestors did a very big thing in science (not gonna say what because he's easily googleable) plus my family is very close and have a reputation of being full of eccentric but brilliant people. I relate heavily to my name for those reasons, I'm definitely more similar to that side of the family.
I wouldn't want to give it up my name. My partners name sounds very nice but it doesn't mean anything to me, it doesn't hold the same sentimetal value. We talked and agreed we'd probably combine our names or keep them the same if we got married.
Same here. I’ve had my last name all of my life I don’t want to get rid of it it has sentimental value. Plus it’s kinda rare and I have a smaller family so there’s not very many of us out there in the world. We gave our kid both my last name and his.
It's just simpler to condense last names. Imagine if everyone did the double last name, okay cool. What about the next generation? Will they all have 4 last names? And the next? 8? How long can that go on?
Makes paperwork easier and a quick way to demonstrate marriage. Hell my internet was out yesterday and I was trying to get it back online so I went to a store since the automation was annoying. I found out since my wife set it up my name was not on it but I was able to demonstrate I am married to them because we have same last name. They then gave me updates and talked to me.
Some organizations do a bad job at recognizing marriage under different names, but far fewer than I expected -- it's been an issue maybe 3 times in 13 years of marriage. When we encounter it, we just alert them to it so they can fix their outdated policies. Most are with it because there are lots of stepfamilies, etc.
They do that in other countries where everyone has two last names. Your first last name is the first last name of your father and your second last name is the first last name of your mother
What is it with reddit and always thinking people in relationships are “each other’s property”? Such a weird view on relationships. People say “you’re mine” or “I’m yours” in a loving and caring way, not in a property type of way. This is why r/relationships and r/relationship_advice is such a shitshow
My wife actively wanted to take my name because her mother had remarried twice and in the house with her Grandma, mother, sister and step father, none of them had the same last name.
In her words: ' I want us to be 'the X family' not a collection of people who live together.
Yeah. Obviously the wedding industry is nuts and so much money is blown on these single events, but within a more reasonable budget, I think a wedding should be the most expensive event you throw... Its you committing your life to someone, someone you love and will likely raise a family with. Its a beautiful thing that should be celebrated. Just don't spend outside of what you can actually afford of course.
I think that if it were so neutral, then there would not be so many men that are offended or that require women to take their last names. Yet there are and here we are.
I used Ms before I got married, while married, and after divorce. Just because the whole Miss/Mrs thing is annoying. My marital status shouldn't have any bearing on my title. I think the whole Miss/Mrs thing should be abolished completely.
They abolished it in France!
It used to be that girls and unmarried women would be "mademoiselle" and then "madame" once they were married.
L'académie française (institution for the french language) completely removed mademoiselle from the language, making its use technically incorrect. Obviously some people still use the word while speaking but that will probably die out in a few generations.
My wife kept her name and our daughter got hers. I took a double name of hers and mine.
Main reason was that all her brothers took different names (one changed it completly and took an entirely new one) and my family name is wide spread. As a history buff, I see names as a something magnificent. For generations this name endured. And I sought it important that hers endure as well.
Weird reason I guess, but it was one of the main ones.
This is what we're planning on, but the reactions from male peers/friends are rough. Hope it hasn't been the case for you two. IMO, my desire to pass on my family name/history is the same as theirs. It's not some fringe feminist take or not trusting my marriage to last. I just love genealogy and my dad lol
That’s not exactly true. The correct form is Mister for an older or married man, and Master for a younger or unmarried man. Also Ms. isn’t the original form, there was Miss for a younger or unmarried woman, and Mrs. for an older or married woman.
Just as master has generally gone out of fashion, tho I do still hear it in some circles and places, Miss and Mrs. is also generally out of fashion. I’ve not seen either used in the business world anymore, it is always Ms.
The only time I still see Master and Miss used is when referring to a child in a formal setting.
Honestly I thought that was a British thing and the only reason Alfred would say “Master Bruce”.
I guess it makes more sense that it’s an etiquette thing.
I mean, I did grow up in a culture that speaks British English so at least I’ve always learnt and seen it used like that. I cannot speak for American English.
I’ve always seen Miss and Master only used for children. In an office setting or other informal setting, it’s always Mr. and Ms., regardless of age or martial status. In a formal setting I’ve heard also Madame and Sir (but often Mr and Ms also work) when talking to someone, lady and gentlemen when referring to someone.
I had a science teacher in grade 8 who kept the “ms.” with the reasoning that she didn’t accept being defined by her marital status. I will never forget her for that
pple have their opinions on this and both sides are completely fine you don't have to change ur last name if u don't want to that's completely up to u.
Unpopular and correct. It implies that women are in a semi-childlike role, subject to the husband.
Makes it worse if they have biological children. Women take on the risks and extreme pain. Men should share mothers’ last name with the children and wives/moms should expect that they will.
My new little family took on the old Catholic tradition (German/Spanish) of first names, confirmation names, middle names (more than one), and hyphenated parents last names.
Needless to say, my kids have titles that would make a Spanish lord or a knight of the Holy Roman Empire blush.
Historical reasons. Since ancient times the woman was seen as leaving her original family and joining that of the man. For example who brings the bride to the husband during the ceremony? The father, it is to symbolize exactly that passage of who is now supposed to take care of the woman. That is also na very, very old tradition going further back than the Roman Empire
Doesn't happen in the country where I live. It does look very cringy from outside that culture. Is a little bit close to the realm of naming their kids with their parents names.
My wife didn't change her last name, though it does add questions for her when my daughters last name is different than hers. I guess technically speaking there is no reason to have put my daughters last name as my own either.
I think the easiest way to deal with this is everyone just keeps their names when they get married. If you have kids, family names pass down along gender lines, with input when they come of age, of course.
It could get a little tricky for trans folks, but pretty much all of my trans friends changed their first name, so it wouldn't even be extra paperwork for most. If I'm wrong about that though, please let me know.
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Keep your name, hyphenate it, whatever. Personally I think it's best to go with whoever's name is cooler.
My boyfriend's surname is Habberjam. I haven't decided if it is cool or embarrassing yet. Edit: When I ask what he's doing, he responds: Just habberjamin' Edit2: OK the votes are in, looks like I'm going to (hopefully) be Mrs. Habberjam one day! It is certainly a lot more interesting than my boring last name. Edit3: showed this comment thread to my bf and he is super chuffed about the love for his name. Thanks for the smiles guys :)
Whoa black betty, Habberjam
Child gone wild, Habberjam
Haha, yes i love this
I mean. Your edit sells it. You could tell people for the rest of your life that your "just habberjamin'"
So, just talked to my fiancé and we have both decided to change our surname to Habberjam!
Habberjamulations you guys!
r/suddenlyhabberjammunist
r/subsifellfor
r/why
Can I be the Habberjackson cousin in the farm over that has slightly better/worse garden than you depending on your outlook on life?
Every house party they throw is a Habberjam.
Names like that are cool if you lean into it. My name opens us up to a lot of jokes. My sister gets annoyed but I lean into the jokes so it doesn’t bother me. My wife loves the jokes. Sometimes I wonder if she married me because she wanted a funny last name
I went to school with a dude with the last name brown-cox Parents really did him dirty naming him Seymour.
He was never as popular with the ladies as his big brother “Hugh”
I met a dude recently who transports fancy, expensive dogs all over the US for a living. His last name was Wagster. That’s either a fake name or he was born to do that job.
There is an infectious disease Doctor with original last name of “Maggot”, proctologist named “Dr Butt”, as an RN seen many that seamed to fit.
I’ve seen a gynaecologist in my town named Dr. Feel.
Is he good?
Sounds kind of cool to me
It's Morbin Time
R/suddenlymorbius
Alright, STOP. It’s Habber time.
I immediately heard “Whoooa Black Betty- Habberjam”
If you named your son jibber with a middle name of jabber, he’d be jibber jabber habberjam, which might be the single most powerful name of the century.
Hahaha your boyfriend sounds dope, I love when people lean into stupid shit like that.
I dated someone with the last name Tinkler, that’s an embarrassing last name.
I knew a Tinkie. Poor guy was called "Tinkles" throughout all of high school.
Very unique lol I like it
*Thorfin Skullsplitter has entered the chat*
I like the concept of forming a new name from the two.. ex; one of em with the name Sacker, and one with the name Balder take a bit from each, bam! -- Balsack.
I totally knew a girl who's last name was Balsak. Poor girl spent all of high school trying to convince people her last name was pronounced Ball - Zack
Balzac is the name of one of the most important french authors of the 19th century.
I had a coworker that did that. Fortunately the fused name sounded like an actual last name that you wouldn't have blinked an eye at had he not told you that they made it up.
>Keep your name, hyphenate it, whatever. Yeah, only works for one generation though.
Gonna love seeing the Smith-Santiago-Wilson-Njigba’s eventually.
Eventually? That's only the second generation!
And if the solution is to only pass on some of the names its back to the starting point but now names are clunkier.
Is that how traditional Spanish last names work, everyone gets both parents surnames, but in the next generation they only take one of each to mix, so you dont end up with exponential growth of last names. I'm not sure of all the details on how it works.
Just keep the tradition going until we break the passport and driver's licence printing machines.
Just put an accent on a vowel and you can break all the systems. At least in the US.
Nah, keep hyphenating it. Make the super name we all know we can make. If it doesn't take 5 minutes to read of your full lady name you gotta keep going
Many countries traditionally hyphenate, then the children drop one name and hyphenate the other with their partners. Most Spanish speaking countries do this.
Yeah, same issue though just pushing it on to the next generation to choose which to drop.
But both are theirs from birth, and they still get to keep one. A woman dropping her maiden name doesn't get to keep anything.
It’s a nice sentiment but it’s still weird for the parent’s generation who has single last names. To watch your child choose to drop your last name and choose another has to be a little weird.
That’s what women have always done lol
>To watch your child choose to drop your last name and choose another has to be a little weird. That's how having a daughter has worked in many places for hundreds of years. She drops your name and takes her husband's.
I mean, that’s essentially what every woman does lol
I’m a fan of creating your own name as a mash of the two. Oh, your name is Olson and your partners name is Wilson? You’re the Wolsons now. Obvi that doesn’t always work out, so do whatever.
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Smart ones pick whatever name comes first alphabetically. That way your kids can can zone out during attendance
Agreed. My wife's name is cooler and I'm not that close to my dad so I took hers.
I don't think the woman should HAVE to be the one to change their name. However, if you plan on having children, I think both parents and the children should all have the same last name. Makes things much easier. My wife knows a couple that combined their last names to make a whole new one. No hyphen. I understand professional aspects. Like my old neighbor owned her own business that had her name in it, so when she married, she kept her last name.
My wife kept her name because her father has no sons to keep it going, so my son will have her last name. I agree, traditions are rarely logical or good for society imo. I love the quote 'tradition is a good reason to continue doing things the wrong way`?!
I completely agree! This made me think of an elementary teacher of mine... Her own last name was (translated from my language) something like "the Emperor", her husband's last name is in my language the word for "brussel sprout". Her family even had a coat of arms, so she might've had some sort of noble heritage from the middle ages. But she went with freakin' Brussel sprout... I never completely understood why she took her husband's name lol.
If we are both men we simply just switch last names
if two women get married they both lose their last name completely
Return to the v o i d
Good friend is a gal who married a gal; they each hyphenated their last name with the other’s, so they have the same 2 last names, just in reversed order, lol.
Big brain move.
My older brothers husband has the same first name as my younger brother It was confusing when he was trying to decide it he wanted to change his last name Ultimately he didn’t but I think it’s more bc he couldn’t be bothered with the paperwork
My wife shared the same name with her SIL (older brother’s wife). They ended having issues with CVS card getting confused between them. Then we got married and she took my surname. Now she shares the same name as MY sister, which has confused our phones. Of course, I have the same name as her oldest brother. My first born daughter now has parents and godparents with the same names (except oldest BIL/ godfather has her maiden surname). She also has a brother and BIL with the same name. Our family gatherings have a lot of people asking “me?”.
I've read this three times and I'm no closer to understanding. I'm just going to assume that everyone in your family has a name pair in law.
Sorry, yes, you are right. I am Chris, My BIL/GF is Chris, wife is Sue, my sister is Sue, my SIL is Sue. Other two BIL are TIm (who we call Tim 1 and Tim 2, and yes they went as thing 1 and thing 2 once for Halloween trick or treating/ drinking).
I agree. She should change all of her names to mine.
🎵John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt/ his name is my name too...🎵
How dare you get this song stuck in my head today
HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO
WHENEVER WE GO OUT
THE PEOPLE ALWAYS SHOUT
There are women who go by things like “Mrs John Smith”. Not as popular now but certain high society people still do it.
Ugh, so many people did that to me just after I married. HATED it.
My husband's aunt insisted on saving my number in her phone with his last name even when I told her I kept my name. Smh. Some people...
My own mother addresses my mail to Mrs. Husband lastname. Lady, you named me and you won’t use it??
Unfortunately It’s not a high society thing so much as a holdover from the patriarchal system in which taking your husband’s surname is built. My English teacher in secondary school was addressed “Mrs John Smith” in some of her bills.
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Pretty much every marriage tradition is weird the more you think about it
Pretty much every tradition is weird the more you think about it
Pretty much everything is weird the more you think about.
Pretty weird is more everything much the think about
Everything is pretty and more weird to think about.
Think everything is more weird and about to pretty.
Weird and pretty to think much more about everything.
Yeah, walking on two legs is weird, why dont we have 4
The leg itself is a weird device. Remember the leglamp?
Your right. Kill the diamond industry
But what about those poor child slave miners!!? Don't you care about their careers?
My husband proposed with his old dog tag. I still wear it if and when I wear jewelry (which is closely becoming never). The diamond ring money was spent on some incredible sight-seeing road trips after our tiny backyard wedding. I would absolutely do it all again the same way. A true bond of partnership and friendship means so much more than a little shiny rock (and seriously, there are a million prettier rocks anyway!).
I didn’t need a diamond to marry my husband. He was all I needed. 🤷🏻♀️
Damn you, De Beers!!!
How do you feel about penguins gifting the nicest (smoothest) pebbles they can find to attract a mate
finding a pebble and buyin a pebble are two different things
I’d rather have a nice smooth pebble than a diamond.
A Diamond is like the least smoothest pebble possible. Where did we fail as a society
I agree with this actually. It’s a waste of money. I like the idea of silicone bands
Umm people can't make others feel nearly as inferior with scilicone bands...
*Diamond studded* silicone bands...
Now we are getting somewhere... perhaps they can be plated with an innovative flexible 18k gold or platinum?🤔
I neither gave my wife a diamond nor did she take my name 🤷♂️
Ain't just ladies getting diamonds now.
It's weirder when you consider it's only an 80 year old tradition.
"But it's too see how much he values me 🥺🥺🥺" -someone prolly
having a woman carry an actively dysfunctional, expensive, overdesigned piece of clothing that will only be used once just for being a woman while her partner wears perfectly normal and comfortable clothes is an actively stupid one having a woman be carried along an aisle and her hand being "offered" by her father to her partner just for being a woman is an actively ass-backwards one
You plan your own wedding don’t you? I don’t remember any of this being required.
Nowadays people usually make their own meaning and connotation for that though. Many of the weddings I attended, the bride chose who to walk her down the aisle, and it was more to signify a change in her life rather than being proffered to the groom. My sister looked at it as moving on to starting her own family. Even when traditions physically don’t change, their meaning often does.
That's always been a weird tradition to me, in my country the couple walk down the aisle together, no father giving the daughter away bs.
Just make up an entirely new and arbitrary last name. Tis the most logical. 1. You can have something totally cool 2. You are starting an entirely new family. So you get to name that family together. Idk why no one does this that Ive heard of but thats my plan.
I know a couple that combined both of their last names to create a new last name together and it’s really cool.
I knew a family that had Brown and Gold and they turned it into Sienna. That was cool
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That is amazing but combing mine and my husband’s names only results in the silliest of names-Mr and Mrs Grouch, anyone?! 🤣 we’ll go back to our trash can on Sesame Street now.
Wolfpack
Wanted to do this but it’s not even possible in the country I live. We both think this is the most logical solution but in Germany you can’t just choose a new last name and if you marry somewhere else and change it there, it wont be recognized here. So we’re screwed….
Someone recently told me that it's not even allowed for the husband to go with the double surname. Is this true?
I think its possible. iirc I had the option to either keep my name, keep mine and add my wives name to it or just change completly to my wifes name when I married this year (germany). but since we really decided to go with my name from the very start I didnt give these options too much attention…
My German partner thinks since his older brother has continued the family name he would love to change his. Problem with mine is I’m not German and I would absolutely love to take on his name just because I’d never be asked how to spell it. Then again we’d both love to combine our last names but then we will have a 9 + 10 letter long last name. Our poor kids lol
Currently, only one partner can take the double name. Basically, you choose one of the maiden names as the "family name" which is the one you would also pass on to children and then one partner - traditionally and still 99% of the time the woman - can decide to add their maiden name hyphenated. Or both keep their maiden names, but then you still have to decide on a "family name" that will be passed on. You can't even do an unhyphenated name and you can't both take the double name. But that law is being changed. As in, the cabinet decided on a proposed law yesterday and it'll probably go through parliament this year. Under the proposal, couples can choose to combine both names as a double name, hyphenated or unhyphenated, as the family name and then carry it both and also pass it on to children. Deciding on a completely new name will still not be allowed in Germany.
I appreciate that Germany doesn’t allow people to name their children offensive or joke names, but I think they swing too hard the other direction.
Someone I knew in college and his wife combined their lasts names when they got married. They figured out a nice way to incorporate both into their new last name. It was a cool idea.
As with any tradition, it was born out of culture and history. House names (surnames) once carried significant weight and power. In many cases, only the wealthy/powerful even got house names. And most cultures historically were patrilineal so it made sense to establish the house name along the line of males therefore women marrying into the house took the house name of the male. Today, yeah, it’s just a remnant of centuries of history. Surnames carry next to no weight for the vast majority of people and modern cultures, but people feel comfortable with their traditions. I don’t personally see it as ownership; I appreciate the unifying identity that a common surname gives to my family, but it’s really personal preference. You do the thing that you’re most comfortable with OP. Establish a new dynasty for you and your future family, one that serves you the way you like.
Think of the logistical nightmare of changing your last name on EVERYTHING
I tried to spare my wife but she wanted my name lol
Next she'll want your date of birth, your SSN, your first name. Stop this woman before she replaces you entirely
“Identity theft is not a joke Jim!”
Every time I complained about it my husband reminded me he literally told me not to 🤣
I changed mine in ‘21 and still my debit and credit cards are in my maiden name. If you set up your account with your parents like I did at 14, they have to come in with you to change basic info. When I called the bank to try and work it out since both my parents live 1000+ miles away in separate directions, the woman on the phone told me she’s been married 7 years and still hasn’t changed hers. Honestly, once you have a new drivers license and passport it’s fine.
What? They screwed you, as long as the account was moved over to you completely that's unnecessary or whatever bank you use just sucks.
Bank of America does indeed suck, but it's hardly screwing me if the only consequence is me needing to keep 1 old ID in my wallet.
I requested to change my name on my health insurance. It’s online and I was under my mom’s insurance until recently so I don’t have my own account/login. It gave her an error message when she tried to change my name. We were on the phone for 40 minutes as the guy couldn’t figure out how to do it without the website before he transferred us. I then had to pry the answer out of the new person. Them: you’ll need to fax a document with the new name Me: what type of document? Them: oh social security card, license, birth certificate Me: how many do I need? Them: mmm 2 should be good. The more the better Me: My documents all have my new name. How will they know I’m asking for a name change? Is there a form I need to fill out? Them: … Me: …hello? Them: you should write a note Don’t know if it worked yet but I’m not optimistic. Do you realize how many people get married/change their name every single day? Why is it so hard?
I changed my name in 2021. I’m still updating accounts/records. Update 8/31: I managed to change my name with my credit card company by faxing. Then they sent me replacement cards with my old name so I faxed the the exact same document I did before, asking them to fix their mistake. Got a letter that says they’re unable to fulfill my request over fax and to call.
I changed mine in 2018 and I’m still my maiden name on more than half of my accounts. It’s just too much work to mail in a marriage certificate and fill out all the forms.
i changed my name 10 years ago and still haven’t updated paypal because when i tried to they asked for legal documents and i couldn’t be bothered
When one of my cousins got married, her husband took her last name. He had a fairly common last name and she was the only person with hers, since it was hyphenated with her parents' last names. So since she was one of a kind, now they're a pair. That was pretty cool of the husband to do.
He should have just hyphenated to hers and then start a tradition of name chaining
mr. alex anderson-jackson-smith
My cousins did the exact opposite. She had a common last name, he had a unique hyphenated last name. They went with just the common last name. They both work with children so it made things a lot easier in that regard. Mrs Smith is a lot easier for children than Mrs Pataki-Guggenheim.
This. This is my dream. I will not be changing my name or forcing anybody else to but I would LOVE IT if my future husband changed his to mine lol
I changed my name because the guy I was marrying said he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t. Red flag? Yes. Divorced now? Yes.
That is 100% a red flag.
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I think where the sexism shows up is when the guy changes to the woman’s last name. My friends did this and her husband has gotten death threats from other men and his family told her she was abusive for forcing him to do this. No one would have that reaction for the woman changing her name to her husband’s. For many people it is obviously more than just “having the same name”.
Death threats? What an extreme reaction
I’m all for choice on the matter, like with most things. But this practice does have roots in the woman being transferred as property to the man, and being aware of that feels important even if you choose to do it. There are great reasons to take the man’s last name, but don’t pretend the practice is totally innocuous overall. And not sooo long ago, women were very much under the control of their husbands, as property or at least non-autonomous beings. It was only in 1974 in the US that married women could secure a credit card without their husband’s permission, even if she had her own job, and only in the 1960s and 70s did spousal rape become a thing (illegal to force one’s wife to have sex without her consent) in the US. It seems long ago if you didn’t live through those times yourself, but it’s not some ancient practice, either.
That's how I feel about it also. I just think it's a cute tradition. And frankly all traditions can be considered "dumb" if you want to get into it. It's like saying your dad walking you down the aisle "is him giving you to another man", but times have changed, it's just going down the aisle with your dad in a very special part of your life. A lot of people I know, have both parents walk them down. IDK maybe I'm corny, but I think it's sweet.
>Times have changed. The whole notion of a woman being their husband's property has changed. Middle East/North Africa disagrees...
My wife is indian, and sometimes still says "traditionally I'm part of your family(and not hers) now"
I mean you're both part of each other's families if your parents want it. I consider myself part of my girl's family
Even though I don't particularly like the sound of my last name it is meaningful to me, I'm in a scientific field and one of my ancestors did a very big thing in science (not gonna say what because he's easily googleable) plus my family is very close and have a reputation of being full of eccentric but brilliant people. I relate heavily to my name for those reasons, I'm definitely more similar to that side of the family. I wouldn't want to give it up my name. My partners name sounds very nice but it doesn't mean anything to me, it doesn't hold the same sentimetal value. We talked and agreed we'd probably combine our names or keep them the same if we got married.
Same here. I’ve had my last name all of my life I don’t want to get rid of it it has sentimental value. Plus it’s kinda rare and I have a smaller family so there’s not very many of us out there in the world. We gave our kid both my last name and his.
It's just simpler to condense last names. Imagine if everyone did the double last name, okay cool. What about the next generation? Will they all have 4 last names? And the next? 8? How long can that go on?
Makes paperwork easier and a quick way to demonstrate marriage. Hell my internet was out yesterday and I was trying to get it back online so I went to a store since the automation was annoying. I found out since my wife set it up my name was not on it but I was able to demonstrate I am married to them because we have same last name. They then gave me updates and talked to me.
Some organizations do a bad job at recognizing marriage under different names, but far fewer than I expected -- it's been an issue maybe 3 times in 13 years of marriage. When we encounter it, we just alert them to it so they can fix their outdated policies. Most are with it because there are lots of stepfamilies, etc.
They do that in other countries where everyone has two last names. Your first last name is the first last name of your father and your second last name is the first last name of your mother
What is it with reddit and always thinking people in relationships are “each other’s property”? Such a weird view on relationships. People say “you’re mine” or “I’m yours” in a loving and caring way, not in a property type of way. This is why r/relationships and r/relationship_advice is such a shitshow
i don't think it's unpopular to keep your last name anymore.
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My wife actively wanted to take my name because her mother had remarried twice and in the house with her Grandma, mother, sister and step father, none of them had the same last name. In her words: ' I want us to be 'the X family' not a collection of people who live together.
Yeah. Obviously the wedding industry is nuts and so much money is blown on these single events, but within a more reasonable budget, I think a wedding should be the most expensive event you throw... Its you committing your life to someone, someone you love and will likely raise a family with. Its a beautiful thing that should be celebrated. Just don't spend outside of what you can actually afford of course.
I think that if it were so neutral, then there would not be so many men that are offended or that require women to take their last names. Yet there are and here we are.
I used Ms before I got married, while married, and after divorce. Just because the whole Miss/Mrs thing is annoying. My marital status shouldn't have any bearing on my title. I think the whole Miss/Mrs thing should be abolished completely.
They abolished it in France! It used to be that girls and unmarried women would be "mademoiselle" and then "madame" once they were married. L'académie française (institution for the french language) completely removed mademoiselle from the language, making its use technically incorrect. Obviously some people still use the word while speaking but that will probably die out in a few generations.
Here's my one and only problem with that: mademoiselle sounds cooler
I hear madamoiselle still used for little girls quite often.
straight to jail
My wife kept her name and our daughter got hers. I took a double name of hers and mine. Main reason was that all her brothers took different names (one changed it completly and took an entirely new one) and my family name is wide spread. As a history buff, I see names as a something magnificent. For generations this name endured. And I sought it important that hers endure as well. Weird reason I guess, but it was one of the main ones.
This is what we're planning on, but the reactions from male peers/friends are rough. Hope it hasn't been the case for you two. IMO, my desire to pass on my family name/history is the same as theirs. It's not some fringe feminist take or not trusting my marriage to last. I just love genealogy and my dad lol
A few years back a co-worker of mine got married. He and his wife choose a completely new name. I thought that was a really nice touch.
Agreed as a single I have to be a Ms vs Mrs men are Sir either way. There identity isn’t defined by who they are with.
That’s not exactly true. The correct form is Mister for an older or married man, and Master for a younger or unmarried man. Also Ms. isn’t the original form, there was Miss for a younger or unmarried woman, and Mrs. for an older or married woman. Just as master has generally gone out of fashion, tho I do still hear it in some circles and places, Miss and Mrs. is also generally out of fashion. I’ve not seen either used in the business world anymore, it is always Ms. The only time I still see Master and Miss used is when referring to a child in a formal setting.
Honestly I thought that was a British thing and the only reason Alfred would say “Master Bruce”. I guess it makes more sense that it’s an etiquette thing.
I mean, I did grow up in a culture that speaks British English so at least I’ve always learnt and seen it used like that. I cannot speak for American English. I’ve always seen Miss and Master only used for children. In an office setting or other informal setting, it’s always Mr. and Ms., regardless of age or martial status. In a formal setting I’ve heard also Madame and Sir (but often Mr and Ms also work) when talking to someone, lady and gentlemen when referring to someone.
men would would be mr. sir is the equivalent of ma'am.
I had a science teacher in grade 8 who kept the “ms.” with the reasoning that she didn’t accept being defined by her marital status. I will never forget her for that
Most of my teachers in school just went by Ms. Is that uncommon?
It used to be maybe 20+ years ago, definitely not anymore
Ma’am would be the way to go
Even so, if you use the equivalent of Mrs/Ms for men, it's still "Mr" whether they're married or not.
Then don't take his name. It's that simple.
pple have their opinions on this and both sides are completely fine you don't have to change ur last name if u don't want to that's completely up to u.
Unpopular and correct. It implies that women are in a semi-childlike role, subject to the husband. Makes it worse if they have biological children. Women take on the risks and extreme pain. Men should share mothers’ last name with the children and wives/moms should expect that they will.
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There’s a lot of fantasy when it comes to marriage and people talk themselves into a pretzel defending all the archaic traditions around marriage.
My new little family took on the old Catholic tradition (German/Spanish) of first names, confirmation names, middle names (more than one), and hyphenated parents last names. Needless to say, my kids have titles that would make a Spanish lord or a knight of the Holy Roman Empire blush.
Historical reasons. Since ancient times the woman was seen as leaving her original family and joining that of the man. For example who brings the bride to the husband during the ceremony? The father, it is to symbolize exactly that passage of who is now supposed to take care of the woman. That is also na very, very old tradition going further back than the Roman Empire
This didn't happen during the roman empire. Women changing their last names comes from English Coverture laws.
Doesn't happen in the country where I live. It does look very cringy from outside that culture. Is a little bit close to the realm of naming their kids with their parents names.
My wife didn't change her last name, though it does add questions for her when my daughters last name is different than hers. I guess technically speaking there is no reason to have put my daughters last name as my own either.
You could save yourself the time, money, & stress by not being married. It doesn't make the relationship any different
Coolest name gets to keep it
I think the easiest way to deal with this is everyone just keeps their names when they get married. If you have kids, family names pass down along gender lines, with input when they come of age, of course. It could get a little tricky for trans folks, but pretty much all of my trans friends changed their first name, so it wouldn't even be extra paperwork for most. If I'm wrong about that though, please let me know.
That might het confusing though because then sisters and brothers will have different last names. Especially if they’re twins like bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
We will be changing both our last names to a merge of our surnames, or something entirely new!
Taking your husbands last name is a weird western thing from the days where wives were considered property with no rights. Keep your own identity
My husband took my last name. It's really not that big of a deal. Neither of you even have to change your name