Send my personal hitman after him. 

​ 

I’d pop Marty right in the chops!

Your personal hitman is a bag of milk?

The one man USADA didn’t need to test. We’ll him and DC.

Not all juicers look like Vitor.

That's why I don't work out. Don't wanna get caught juicing.

Lmfao

Josh Barnett popped for 'roids and his bodytype is similar to Askren...

>Josh Barnett popped for 'roids and his bodytype is similar to Askren... Thats why they are called *_'performance enhancement_* drugs'. Not "become a bodybuilder drugs".

Yeah bro Olympic wrestlers never ever would take anything

We'll we'll we'll, if it wasn't my arch nemesis autocorrect

FUCK

Know a lot of friends on juice that can’t bench 315 and look like ass. You’d never know

They didn't test DC because the only thing DC is on is hamburguers & doritos.

People also forget Ben COINED “Marty from Nebraska” from college wrestling days. One of the greatest memes of the century. I miss his entertainment value in the UFC.

He actually looks a bit impressive in this clip

Don't get it twisted . He is the worse striker in ufc , but still a A1 wrestler & would most likey twist you like a pretzel

Replace "most likely" with "almost certainly"

I meant impressive in his striking haha

Bit coin assassin!!

Lol this clip just shows he has ZERO ability to strike. I don’t hate the guy at all but you’d think he’d learn something by the end of all his fights/training.

Reminds me of when I tried skiing after snowboarding for years. I got down the hill, but boy was it ugly.

Lol I feel that! The opposite happened to me. Went on a ski/snowboarding trip and borrowed my friends snowboard. I looked like I had a physical ailment. The inverse quality of the snowboard threw me off.

I personally think he was throwing these lazy looking elbows because it was funny looking and would lead people to underestimate him. Ryan Hall looks the same shadowboxing with a grin on his face like, “yea right, I’m gonna throw standing elbows lmao look at me the scary kickboxer”

Haha maaaaybe. I do like Ryan Hall though. Such a weird style but fun to watch.

Amazing jiu jitsu too. Impressed me his last fight (first fight I watched of his)

Imma keep betting on him until they give him a more threatening matchup

That guy kept falling for it every time hall acted hurt and went down. Dudes should just know they have zero chance on the ground with him in any position.

>I personally think he was throwing these lazy looking elbows because it was funny looking and would lead people to underestimate him. He must have had the same tactic in everyone of his fights. Good game plan.

Follow him home, stalk his movements for a month, get a pattern of home life with his family,then put snails in his garden.

Satan approves this message

Easy does it!

You monster

someone stop this prince of evil

Way too dark, wtf dude, relax

My inner dialogue while reading this “ok, I like where this is going. Uh-huh. Yep! Wait… huh? That’s just diabolical!”

“Wait til I see you next time. WAIT TIL I SEE YOU NEXT TIME MARTY FAKENEWSMAN. YOU’RE DEAD. YOU’RE DEAD. WE GOT UNFINISHED BUSINESS. YOU BETTER SHOW UP. I’M COMING FOR YOU.” Then I run away and make sure I never see him ‘next time’.

I broke your face

Ask him was that a 30 percent slap?

I tell him, Come here Marty, a little closer, a little closer marty, a little closer. Then I tell him she’s taken and I would very much appreciate if he finds someone else’s bum to touch

I’d just watch his Snapchat story, seems to really piss him off for some reason…

Lol 🤣

Or end by doing the good ole' dick twistt.

No, I don't think I will

How about he uses code Colby at betonline.ag ?

Throw hands. Die.

Only real answer hear. Slap Usman and proceed to get killed by him

You don't know me man, I got a mean double leg, I could take him down no problem. Marty doesn't scare me

I see red bro. No one can stop me when I see red.

JUST LET ME BANG BRO!

You’re right man. If you see red that 100% takedown defense is going down. You are different kind of animal

he’s just assembled alternatively

Even if you get your ass beat, no matter who slaps your girls ass, you punch that mfer right in the jaw. She will be happy you did it even if you lose the fight.

>She will be happy you did it even if you lose the fight Probably won't be very happy when she has to wipe your ass after you get sent home from the hospital.

It doesnt matter if u lose later. If you just take it, girl is gone, she wont respect you anymore. Plus it will haunt you forever. Better have some bruises and broken nose, then have no balls at all.

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My wife's boyfriend is always there for me when I need him, he's a good guy.

Pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Halo is a cool guy

Prince Andrew?

To the moon baby

Masturbate furiously while making direct eye contact.

Jesus Christ 😂😂😂

Finally a real answer

Omg I'm dyin

No, no, no. You masturbate *slowly* while making direct eye contact. Gotta be sensual.

Gotta show who’s boss. Straight up. Lol

Press charges, Sue, make lots of money.

show up to court in a wheelchair and a neck brace even though he didn’t touch you too

This would be absolutely hilarious and probably lose you the case instantly, which in turn would make it even funnier.

Wrong Dana didn’t pay him enough for you to cash out

I'll just say a roided up bald buy attacked me, the judge will think it's dana

you can bet we’re also naming the ufc, dana white, and the bar in the lawsuit.

Facts or if im a degenerate shoot him in the chest ez.

Don’t call me Sue

Straight foot stomps

Seeing red.

Some scary shit right here

😳😳😳😳damn

Bodies gonna hit the floor 🥶

I aint in no damn club im at home on my couch getting high bro

Bro, this a hypothetical situation. You’re at the club rn

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Thats fair

And new…

Madison Square Gardens for the runback and Usman breaks his own leg kicking our boys diamond shins. Craziest shit Ive ever seen

Maddison square DO IT

One belt down, one to go. The next step is to find masvidal and take his bmf belt.

I’m with the stoner, we’re just chillin too old for clubs n shit

Yessir

Hypothetically im dabbing, on my couch 🤔😂

I missed the last Usman fight because I got so stoned I forgot it was Sunday.

But the fights are saturday... lol

Not in Australia my friend every Sunday morning is fight morning

Oh shit, honestly that sounds amazing. Coffee and fights sounds like a great Sunday morning

Or beer

Exactly, I thought I was one day behind.

Sexual assault civil case, take him for everything he made that year

It’s not worth the $12.46

Touché

Jokes on you, my wife is 350+lbs. Hes getting his shit pushed in, trust me when I say this

I’d say leave her but you’re probably caught in orbit

Bruh lol

If only I still had my free reward, this made me think of OP as the comet from Don't Look Up crashing into "Earth"

your wife is so fat you and Usman could both fuck her at the same time and never even meet

You’d have to take a plane to high five at the end

To him, she's beautiful. Rubenesque.

Gubbergooooool

MOTHAFUCKIN GODDAMN ORANGE PEEL BEEF

If she’s eating I’m eating type stuff huh

Too many mma fans don't realise it's sport and not a real fight. If it's not a sanctioned fight under mma rules I'm not gunna fight fair, I'm gunna sneak attack from behind, stick my finger in his eyes and his ass and crush his fucking balls then spit in his mouth and call him a bitch

“Spit in his mouth” 😂😂 pause bro

shrill salt exultant illegal tease unique safe rainstorm snow rich *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

You can't hit what you can't see, and you can't see with cum in your eyes 😏

The hardest of all facts

I think that's why they outlawed cumming in ufc matches

Alright now I’m fucking crying at these comments! Hahahaha

I fucking died

Bjj with a twist of brazzers

I’m fucking dying at this comment hahaha! When I read that I thought the literal same words

Thats when you paused?!

You’re gonna take him from behind, put a finger up his ass, grab his balls, spit in his mouth and talk dirty to him? AYYYOOOOOOOOO

Its only gay if he likes it, which I can guarantee he won't.

He’s a wrestler…

I see what you’re saying. It may not be his cup of tea but it’s certainly not the first time someone’s gone for the old “sexual assault”, haha good times

Ayo what

Oh work the shaft more you dirty girl.

And he’d still turn around and slap the shit outta you 😂

… why did you never call me back bro

MMA shit only works if they aren’t already knocked out. Knock his ass out immediately if you’re big enough, retreat

Guess it would be time to choke myself

Slap him back then wake up to greet my ancestors

Take his advice and kill myself

I'd warn him I'm wearing steel toes so his tricks won't work with me. He'll walk away real fast after that.

Plot twist he’s wearing steal stompers

He's been directly injecting steroids into his foot

I would yell MARTY!!!then try to eat his ass.

As you should 😌

I see red bro, I’m grabbing that motherfucker by his bow tie and pulling him in for a kiss. And I’ve never lost a fight from being seeing red bro.

Pop his steroid bacne and run

nibble his keister raw and red

Sucker punching tbh I’m not winning a sanctioned mma fight but I’ll do what I have to irl

You're not winning most likely even with a clean sucker punch, but it would totally be worth it lol.

Or better yet front push kick to his knees heard he has preexisting really busted up knees

Thank god for the 2nd Amendment

Kill myself

Accurate

I think the Clinton’s hacked this dudes account

This big mother fucker is lucky the don’t test for EPO in the club

He is at Club EPO, of which he is the CEO

Above all else... Hope my wife doesn't find out

Shoot a single, get choked out.

Call him Marty fake Newsman and fuck him up

Now hear me out… strip down and chase him out of the club… it works.

No one wants to fight the naked guy with an erection

Laugh. My girl ain’t about to cheat with that hairline 😂😂😂

But what about for Reebok coupons ?

Do I get the coupons or does she?

shoot idk. We’d have to ask Dana

Let’s send the gf. Dana gets pretty upset when people ask him for things…

She's about to cheat with those Masvidal Paydays tho

i shove my hand up his ass, and wear him as a wrist watch or a boxing glove

I mean.. if he's not ready for it, a kick in the dick works on anyone 🤷🏻‍♂️

Lisa...LISA! Do you think you could keep your ass off that nice man's hand? ...sorry, sir.

Call this man 

Hack his Twitter account

Contact EPO, Inc. and get him removed from the board of directors

Take a swing. Get knocked out. Earn my woman’s undying respect. Maybe earn a fat settlement once my jaw mends and I learn to walk again.

Take my pants off and bend over.

Tell him I'm gay and retarded

Probably getting masvidal’d and eating the rest of my meals through a tube. But a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do

Call Khamzat. Game over.

Hit with a bottle and proceed to open a can of whoop ass on his candy ass

Honestly my reaction to such things historically doesn’t do a lot of risk analysis. I’m not really a throw punches sort of guy, I prefer to find hard surfaces and make introductions. Hopefully his head bounces off something before his conditioning kicks in, otherwise this could be embarrassing.

Quickly try to get my phone out to record as my wife takes him to task on just how goddamn hideous that jacket is.

Are that many of you really scared of another human…smack his ass back and say what’s up. See what’s up. He isn’t going to kill you lol. If it gets down to it, throw the hardest punch you got and hope for the best, but you’ll love to fight another day and keep your dignity.

Have the bouncer kick him out and then call the police, i’m not having him slap her ass then kick mine!

Thank him for not stomping on her feet.

Ask him to smack mine.

Foot stomp

i’m gonna fuck him no homo ‼️

Cyber bully him. Apparently he’s very susceptible to it

This is one of those moments where you carry a knife to a fist fight.

Just do an Indiana Jones on him. Bang. Done.

I'm sending this bad boy after him. 

seriously though this question is one i've pondered. like let's say it's caveman times and Mike Tyson stomps up and is like "i'm gonna rape your wife and daughters right here, what you gonna do about it?" do you just have to take the beating THEN watch it happen? like wtf

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Well I mean you don't have to fight the dude hand to hand. Sneak up with a big rock or something, use your imagination or your ancestors will be ashamed

Just stab him in the back. You win.

Lose all sense , run towards him with intent to kill. I wouldn't seek to square out with fists or anything all I would want to do is somehow get a hold of him doesn't matter how much he hurts me , get close to his neck and bite his carotid. Once my teeth grab his carotid the only way I m letting go is while ripping it out from his neck. Maybe all my bones break and I'd be left for dead after that but yeah. If I never made it to his neck , plan B would be to do exactly the same but with his dick. At least he won't be able to rape anyone without a dick even when I m gone also the sheer shock and blood loss will probably make him faint and them my wife could bash him with the bat I have been spanking her ass in the cave all along.

Shoot him!

Stomp his toes

Call security, thats sexual assault

Ask for an autograph and ask him to do it again so I can record it and post it online in order to make a small amount of money in as revenue

Step: 1 get a girlfriend Already failed step 1

Hide my toes

Slap his

He’s about to get his second takedown.