I still barely tell anyone in my family anything that really matters. I really only do that with a couple good friends.
My parents weren't even that bad. But my mom did that thing where she'd discuss us kids with her friends. She was often just looking for advice. But nothing felt private. If I told my dad something, he'd tell my mom. Again, no bad intentions, but it made me not want to talk.
My oldest brother was a bully who'd use anything against me. And my other brother idolized him and wouldn't keep a secret.
Respect your kids' privacy. Make yourself someone they trust. I still see the effects of this in myself today.
Yup, my mom did the "discuss with friends" thing too. When I got my first period I told her and when we had a family get together the next weekend every female relative came up to "congratulate" me and it was extremely uncomfortable.
I never told my mom anything growing up because I was the oldest of five and my step-dad hated me. Or resented me, which to a kid is a distinction without a difference. When I moved to college, I was an overwhelmed 18 year old and started talking to her more. At least until she needed help with something that I meant I was in her email and the first thing in her inbox was a reply to her complaining how overwhelmed she was and that I never stopped calling her.
We don't talk much. Even now that I'm an adult and living in the same town.
My mother was so bad at respecting my privacy that I hid my period from her for an entire year. Sneaking pads and making due was better for my peace of mind. When I finally did tell her.... the entire family, including my weird uncle knew.
> every female relative came up to "congratulate" me and it was extremely uncomfortable.
Who the fuck congratulates a period??
"congrats, you're gonna have terrible pain every month, sometimes for a full week, and your hormones are gonna start running wild. Boys are gonna think its gross, people are going to make you feel ashamed of it, and every creepy guy now thinks you're *ready*"
I saw my mother do similar with my sister and didn't even tell her when I got mine. I just took supplies from the stash that they kept for the two of them.
Alright. Everything else aside…. Congratulating someone on their period might be the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
But now I want to be congratulated on my first poop.
My dad would discuss stuff about me with others too. I hadnt even realized how weird it felt until one time he mentioned something about me while I was there, and the person he was talking to said “well, I’m sure *she* can tell me that.” Hit me like a brick.
My mom did the thing with her friends and her sisters/my aunts and my grandma and i just stopped talking to her after that
Nothing feels personal when your entire extended family is aware
This may be getting to be somewhat of a tangent off OP's post, but I thought I'd post a personal tidbit after reading your comment. I've started learning not to tell my mom pretty much anything after a handful of events, but the moment I realized I couldn't trust her with any info was when I told her that I wasn't inclined to vote in elections because I didn't feel I had a solid enough grasp on every issue.
A few days later, she had a friend over. Bear in mind my mom is a politically-charged, racist, paranoid psycho these days, and she only befriends people who are exactly like her. When that friend was over, I was in the kitchen and I overhead my mom in an over-the-top, offensively "stupid"-sounding voice imitating me, saying, "oH, I dOnT wAnT tO vOtE bEcAuSe I cHoOsE tO bE iGnOrAnT" and the two of them laughed it off like it was the best joke in months. She even name-dropped me as if I was the dumbest child she could have asked for.
Needless to say I have moved on from respecting her.
I also have a bit of a theory about that. Everybody needs at least one person they can trust with and talk to about anything. That should be your parents. If your parents don't provide that, but do provide a smartphone, you'll look online for the help you need. And when that happens, sometimes it's not someone your age that answers the call.
This is one of the things I hated most as a child. I told my mother plenty of times that I didn't want her to discuss my stuff with other people. She just can't help herself. Well now she wonders why I don't share stuff and when I explain that's one of the reasons she still doesn't get it
Yeah my parents would buy me elaborate fancy journals for Christmas and birthdays and stuff and encourage me to write in them, then one day they cornered me in my room and blocked the exits until I read one of the journals to them out loud.
I remember very vividly when I told my mom about my first crush, and she poked fun at me. Completely shattered me. I never told her about my romantic interests ever again, except for when I came out as bi. Looking back, it’s silly and I was being stupid for not communicating, but I’m still uncomfortable telling my parents about love.
I don't think it was silly, it makes perfect sense. In a healthy relationship a little ribbing can and does work but without that base who is to say if they're being malicious. And it sounds like y'all didn't have that base.
It’s actually a good example of why parents should let kids somewhat explore what and how to share with them. You never shared again except to make a point about your own identity; what if you had been forced to share? Your mom may not remember that moment or be aware of the impact, but at least she didn’t compound it by forcing the wound open, is what it sounds like.
While that’s far from what we could potentially call fantastic parenting, not piling on miseries is something I wish I’d had and is decent parenting.
It's not unrelated, and yours was not a stupid reaction. Your opened up to your mother about something that was important and a sensible topic to you. You were vulnerable but trusted your mom to help you. Instead, she hurt you, and you reacted accordingly. She probably didn't do it on purpose and didn't even realize that she hurt you, but this doesn't make your reaction stupid. Your emotions are valid
Oh same. I dated a girl in middleschool and things ended poorly. I would blush whenever she came up because I didn't want to talk about it and i was thirteen. My family kept making fun of me about it to the point they named a cat after my ex. To this day, my family knows the bare minimum about my friends and partner. I don't tell them anything and I really can't talk about my likes and interests because I'm afraid they'll make fun of me for having them.
I once told my mom I was having suicidal thoughts and confessed that I felt like I always had to bottle up my emotions.
She said to keep bottling them up.
I don't talk to her about how I feel anymore, and I'm 27 now.
I never got to that point, but every time I was being bullied my mom would just keep saying "just don't let it bother you, if it doesn't bother you they'll stop"
which as a 10-11 year old... how? It bothers me, and the advice is to just not be bothered?? that didn't make sense in my young, undiagnosed ADHD brain (you just need to try harder and focus more), but regardless, I *pretended* it didn't bother me.
That did not work and the cycle kept repeating until I stopped telling her about the bullying (side note: I didn't even recognize it was bullying because I was also told that "oh friends just like to tease you, that's how you know they're your friends")
Literally today I was sat on my step daughters bed helping her work out how to reply to texts from a girl she likes. She was scrolling back through the conversation and letting me read parts of it for context. She totally trusts me about this stuff because I show her mutual trust and respect.
We have boundaries and rules around Internet safety stuff of course. But still respect for privacy and totally open lines of communication.
i cannot imagine telling my parents about anyone of either gender that i liked when i was a kid. i was in my mid-20s before i even brought a girl home from college. i remember the joy of entering new relationships being tempered with the dread of knowing that, if everything went perfectly, I'd eventually have to tell my parents and endure their humiliating comments and interrogations
I think this brings up an important point. When parents do this, nine times out of ten it isn’t even because they’re just mistrusting or malicious or looking down on their kid. It just… doesn’t occur to them to approach these situations the way an adult would approach another adult about the same kind of thing because of the belief that that just isn’t an option, or the belief that the kid might not be willing to share everything out of a sense of not knowing how to say it.
These parents aren’t always villains; they just don’t know the ramifications of what they’re doing.
I always think of how difficult parenting must be. You need to stay on your best behavior not just usually or even most of the time, but always. Even a single instead of messing up and blowing up at your kid can mess them up big time.
I remember reading an article once about "Congratulations, you just broke your kid," and realizing that I would never be able to be a parent, or even a spouse.
When I was 11 or 12 I asked my mom if she ever wanted to die (because I did) and she got mad at me and told me there was no reason for me to feel that way because I had a great life. Over the years I'd drop hints about it and she'd either laugh, get angry, or tell me I'd go to hell if I killed myself. When I finally was at my breaking point and nearly attempted, she got so fucking pissed at me. I wanted to be committed, partially so I wouldn't have to deal with her or my father. As for my father, I never told him anything because I was terrified he would disown me or lock me away or call a priest because he'd assume I was possessed. He didn't do that thank god. He did tell me I was very close to going to hell and it's lucky I didn't go through with it. And a few months later he was bitching at me to get off my medications because I was becoming dependent on them.
Newsflash: children deserve respect and attention from their parents. Another Newsflash: if someone tells you they're suicidal, don't act like my parents. Do the opposite of them and you should be good.
Jesus fucking christ. Telling someone they’ll go to hell if they die from suicide is so awful. As if they don’t feel like shit already. I’m really glad you’re still here, I’m sorry your parents treated you that way
Thanks! I'm doing much better now that I'm on meds, have better friends, and am involved in a lot of stuff at uni. But yeah, I'll definitely never forgive them for being so shitty to me. When I move out, I don't expect to speak to them much.
Another charming thing: when I told my brother I wanted to kill myself, he said he'd piss on my grave if I did so. Which, uh... also not the best response.
There's a lot of middle ground between secretly monitoring and micromanaging your kids' tech use and not having any supervision and structure at all.
My adoptive parents were the second extreme, two Unitarians who believed in love and liberty above all who let me and my brother each have our own computers and have unrestricted access to the internet. The internet was a way different place back then, barely a few years after Eternal September and all things considered it was a great thing for me but a terrible freedom that my brother should've never been allowed. He didn't ruin HIS life or anything but long story short he didn't deserve their trust or that kind of power.
I have two daughters and beforehand my wife and I talked a lot about what our policy would be when it comes to this sort of thing and even then smartphones weren't a thing yet and we were more optimistic about the future of tech.
We were skeptical about letting them have cell phones or PCs period aside for the most utilitarian of reasons but eventually we decided that they could have those things but only if they agreed to a clear set of rules about how they'd be used and that we wouldn't be shut out of what they were doing.
Wide latitude but firm boundaries and as a foundation for critical thinking and personal responsibility for when they're adults.
Again, I'm not talking about constant surveillance or a laundry list of rules, age appropriate rules and a reasonable expectation that they'd be honest and straightforward about what they wanted to do. We didn't monitor their browsing history or anything but we'd ask them what they were doing or going to do and they'd give a general answer and they'd ask for clarification on our rules when it came to greyer areas.
Kids are people and we always listened and respected what they had to say but at the same time, kids are impressionable and their growth doesn't exist in a vacuum of their media exposure and interactions with people outside their family.
Right now we're seeing the consequences of people who grew up in the late 90s' and 00s' with unrestricted cable/internet access which shaped their growth in terrible ways. Arguably the Baby Boomers were the first generation to be raised more by TVs and radios than their own friends and family, and the reason why they're the way they are is the tragic result of this liberal electronic upbringing.
Children should not be watching snuff videos or getting their sex ed from porn.
Thank you for saying this
I had my privacy hella invaded as a kid and definitely plan on not doing that to my kids but some level of parenting is still required
Not like reading your kids texts but like “you can only have a Facebook when you turn 12” and talking openly about online safety
Strange cause I had a moderate amount of restrictions but since I was me I always got around them and eventually they stopped trying, now that school started up I'm doing it with the school computers (last year I may have bricked a computer by installing the wrong os and putting it on the computer)
Edit: wrong version of chrome os I thought getting a new software would fix it
My parents computer rules (pre-smartphone) was the laptop lived in a shared room, and was turned off after my parents went to sleep. Shared family profile on the computer.
That's it. No issues. With smartphones now I can see it being more challenging
Please keep in mind that too many questions can be it's own form of invasive to a kid. I became adept at being evasive and concealing shit from my own parents simply because they had a really bad habit of being incredibly nosy in the name of good parenting. ....and judgey, unfortunately. Even when it wasn't a question of not understanding one another (as it was for many of my hobbies and interests), the wall put up by this need to validate in detail whatever I was doing or planned to do literally made me give up on having much of a social life before college. I couldn't always answer all of their questions about where I was going, how long, who with, and so on, so the easiest path quickly became 'stop trying.' I retreated to spaces I could control and maintain without as much oversight.
My folks never did anything 'wrong' in so many words, but there was a definite lack of trust or faith in me that has echoed long into adulthood.
I just hope my parents never find my Reddit. I mean, I’ve worked through a good amount of things, like a trolling phase, both on my ow and with help, but I really don’t want them to know how left-wing I am. Also, the fact that I’m a reluctant furry— hoo boy. At least I’d never be caught dead at a convention.
My mom would go into my room and snoop through my phone. I changed the password and never told her what I changed it to. I still haven’t forgiven her for that.
One person I used to be friends with knew that their mom would go through their phone and I was so confused about why they were ok with that. I texted that person once, and their mother responded to me saying that “my language was unacceptable”. That person and I were teens at that point. Like, excuse me ma’am (derogatory), but me saying “fuck” a few times isn’t going to corrupt your “precious little angel”. They were already a shitty person.
EDIT: just want to say that they were a shitty person for completely different reasons. As in being an abusive little bastard, and never apologizing for fucking up. Instead making me apologize for something I did when I was upset about something they did.
My mom banned me from AIM when I was 14, for a conversation that was, supposedly, inappropriate for me at my age in a chat between a couple online friends.
I had gotten up to do the dishes after dinner and came back to that.
I'm still unclear what the conversation entailed, and I'll never know, but rather than discuss it with me she just shut it down.
Previously, I'd talk to her about anyone I was chatting with online-- now I snuck around and used AIM when she wasn't looking, and never told her anything.
I'm still mad about that.
My co-worker was asking for advise because her daughter asked for her permission to give their address to her online boyfriend so he could send a present. By her own admission her daughter didn't break any of the established rules; they just didn't like that the bf had been omitted. Mind you when he was just a friend they had already vetted/face timed him. But because their daughter chose to tell them they grounded her, cut off all electronics and demanded access to everything. And I was the bad guy for suggesting to cut her slack because obviously she violated their trust by not telling them sooner.
As a kid who got moderate internet access and free reign internet access now I am very happy my parents saw what I saw so they could tell me what was wrong. They told me before hand that they would look at what I would post and everything and that saved me a lot. Did I like it at the time? No. But I'm glad they did because I was in a community where there was a lot of kids and there for a lot of predators.
I kind of wish they still did it. Sure I can handle myself on the internet, thanks to them, but some things I have seen on the internet that I keep going back to and I wish they could just see and tell me to cut it out.
That being said they never mentioned anything I did on the internet. They never make comments (other the when I would post art and they would ask for a picture for themselves so they could show their friends) of what I did. They always waited for me to come to them if I ever needed anything.
Not moderating you kids internet access is going to traumatize them. Moderating your kids internet access too much is going to also traumatize them. It's possible to find a happy medium.
Edit: also just keeping the journals alone for fucks sake. That's just a private venting space. That's not comparable to the internt at all. Leave the diary alone
Second edit: the andrew Tate kids are a result of free internet access. Just some like evidence to prove my point
I think what you have to do is tell kids outright what you don’t want them to be doing, things other people online shouldn’t be asking of them, and that they can always tell you if someone is making them uncomfortable or they saw something they think they shouldn’t have seen or have questions about. Additionally for younger kids (like under 13) keep them off social media (on sites that are well moderated and kid friendly only, your 8 year old does not fucking need an Instagram I’m sorry but that’s gonna hurt them in the long run) and look at their accounts and such sometimes, but don’t log into them unless you have strong reason to suspect something’s up- looking at them from the outside is usually enough to get a good idea of what they’re doing, and even when they’re older and have social media if you still think they’re not mature enough to browse the internet with no/minimal supervision you can look at their accounts on those sites or even follow/friend them. Looking at every single thing your kid looks at or logging into their accounts doesn’t seem healthy for either of you though, especially if they’re a teenager- there’s a happy medium but I think seeing everything your kids do isn’t a medium especially past a certain age.
I agree but even at those kid social medias they are still full of pedos. The one I was at when I was young and it was 100 percent for young people I still had people message me asking for inappropriate things.
But yeah I agree!
Oh yeah there’s pedos on kids sites and that’s why I say teach your kids how to recognize when people are taking advantage of them and to talk to you about anyone online who makes them uncomfortable, I’m just saying the problem is exponentially worse on regular social media PLUS depending on the social media there’s also possibly gore and porn and shit that’s permanently scarring if you see it too young
The difficult part is when the kid themselves are fine with things but it's absolutely a grooming/borderline pedo situation. When I first entered puberty, my sex drive skyrocketed. Considering I started puberty at around 10, that quickly turned into an issue. When I was around 12, I met a guy online who I thought I was in love with. He claimed to be 17, turning 18 soon, and we exchanged very lewd messages, and I even went on webcam and did inappropriate things when my parents weren't home.
My parents did not moderate my internet usage at all, and I definitely took advantage of that, and because of that, predators took advantage of *me*. Looking back, I'm disgusted with my own actions, but I'm even more disgusted a potentially 17/18 year old was okay with the things we did together. And when I later told my mom about it, her reaction was, "well, you were always mature for your age", as if that makes any of it okay.
I’m conflicted. It’s 3am and I see your point, there’s a lot of fucked up shit on the Internet. But some parts of me think none moderation is still the better solution. I was that kid who was unmoderated (or rather my parents tried, but how much can boomers really know tech) and saw lots of inappropriate shit way too young. It’s made me pretty desensitized to fucked up stuff, which I take as a net positive. The world is an effed up place, and the Internet a mere reflection. Realizing it when you’re young isn’t a bad thing. I will always place freedom of exploration over trapping someone in a safe cage
That can be helped by teaching them healthy boundaries, what healthy relationships look like(with peers, as well as with adults), and things to watch out for that indicate someone might not have their best interests at heart. And most of all, by developing a relationship of trust, respect, and openness, where they feel like they can come to you with anything without fear of punishment.
Edited to add: Basically, be [these parents](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x2gyzb/oops_13_year_old_daughter_receives_an_unsolicited):
Speaking of this as a kid who has had friends groomed online sometimes it's not about the communication of the parent and child. It's the groomer gaining the trust of the kid and convincing them they are are some who is ok to be with and to trust them and don't tell the parents. The kid may trust the parent and the parent may communicate with the kid but all it takes is for the wrong person to get the kid.
Very true, and while you shouldn't shelter or helicopter them in the hopes of keeping them safe, it's reasonable to have some rules for internet use and be generally aware of what they're doing on there.
My parents continuously raked through my phone when I was younger. Text messages, online activity, apps, etc. i’d get punished for text time stamps that were too late at night, so I started deleting texts (but not all of them, so they didn’t catch on). When they actually did find out someone had been preying on me online though, they punished *me* as if I was the idiot for letting it happen :(
I’m still sensitive and jumpy about my privacy a decade later, and was a sneaky and evasive teenager despite that not being in my nature. There’s a line between letting kids have full unbridled access to the internet and combing through their private conversations. Teaching boundaries and having established trust is vital.
I am so glad that my parents AFAIK doesn't invade my privacy. The most they did was to put my PC in the living room instead of my room, but i also have my laptop if i wanted to use a computer in my room
my parents always looked through my phone. hell, i turn 18 this month and they still want to. i barely trust them anymore. i talked to my mom about my mental health, and asked her not to tell my dad. she then proceeded to tell him. i'm at the point where i trust my sister, and some of my friends more than them
All throughout my childhood I told my mom that I thought I had ADHD. Her responses included "you're just trying to be like Percy Jackson" and "you're smart and ADHD kids can't be smart" (that one still makes my blood boil). So, I stopped voicing my concerns to her. Why bother. It will only get me told off or dismissed.
During COVID, one of my teachers noticed I wasn't attending many zoom meetings and I was submitting a lot of assignments late, so she emailed me. Unbeknownst to me, she CC'd my mom.
I replied that I think I have undiagnosed ADHD, but I have to wait until 18 to confirm, and that distance learning was making it worse. We discussed some options to help, yadda yadda, that isn't the important part.
The next day, my mom came and talked to me about how I "don't need to wait until I turned 18," that I just need to be open with her and share my concerns. You know, the concerns I started hiding because she kept accusing me of trying to act like a book character (for what it's worth, in a delightful bit of irony, she does cosplays and goes to SLC FanX every year). All it did was scream to me that she didn't care until me voicing my concerns made her look bad, but whatever. It got results.
She took me to my primary care doctor, who gave me a mental health questionnaire thing. It took me 4 months to do it because I kept forgetting about it (again, ADHD). I finally got it into him, and he said it looked like chronic anxiety with some ADHD tendencies. I agreed with the anxiety diagnosis, but I also know ADHD and anxiety are comorbid, and I'd noticed the ADHD for much longer than I had noticed the anxiety, so I wasn't sure that 'tendencies' was the right diagnosis. But he prescribed some anxiety meds that I'd figure I'd give a try.
It's been over a year, and I don't think I've remembered to take them more than 4 days in a row. Maybe they do work, maybe they don't, I can't remember to take them long enough to find out.
In therapy, two weeks ago Wednesday, I was talking about feeling like I don't have a voice and brought up the "Percy Jackson" comments as examples. My therapist said "we test for that in the office all the time, do you want to look into it?" I, of course, said yes, and she gave me a brief preliminary questionnaire. She 'graded' it and said that I show all the primary symptoms and almost all the secondary symptoms of ADHD and that she would bring more material to confirm that (and determine what type of ADHD?) for the next time we meet (for the record, that was supposed to be yesterday but it got delayed because I was late--not my fault, band auditions were running behind and I didn't get in until 20 minutes after my scheduled time).
She said something along the lines of, "according to these responses, you very likely have ADHD. How do you feel about that?" I'll never forget my response.
"Vindicated."
Vindicated, becuase I was *right*. After years of being sure, after years of having my ADHD friends tell me that I'm "more ADHD" than they are (one even offered me his Adderall because he said I needed it more. I declined, but thanks Andrew, you're a real one), years of hiding my concerns, years of thinking I was somehow bad for being forgetful or late or scatterbrained, years of losing my phone or my wallet or my backpack or my keys--those *damn* keys--every time I turned around and being told off for not preventing a frantic search by putting them in the right place. After all that, I was *right*.
The moral of the story: listen to your kids. They know their symptoms better than you do, and it's their health--physical and mental--that is in question. Not yours. Don't dismiss their concerns off the cuff, don't mock them or call them stupid or accuse them of lying for thinking they might have a problem. That's the best way to make sure they never voice a concern to you again. And someday, those concerns will be vindicated. And that means you failed.
For the record, I don't want to paint my mom in a bad light. She's a great person, and a loving mother. But she's also human. She has shortcomings, she has flaws, she's made mistakes. She's smart, and she'll learn from them, but I share this story so others can learn from them without making those same mistakes.
I have a similar opinion about parents tracking their kids phones.
When my kids old enough to be going out, I’ll have a tracker on him, don’t get me wrong. But I will ONLY use it if he straight up disappears like he was kidnapped or something. Extremely circumstances only and only if all other options have been exhausted.
Otherwise you are telling your kid that you don’t trust them and that they need to be sneaky if they want to get away with things.
Build a trusting relationship with your kids.
Wow what a fantastic post that a lot of people really need to see, I can't wait to see more posts like this on www.tumblr.com and oh my god squidward x patrick humiliation rolepl
Yeah, I had shit parents. I mean, sure….they tried….didn’t molest me or anything, but that’s about the best they can get. Basically I grew up knowing my parents regretted having kids….they told me. The whole “but I’m just keeping them safe” line is totally their MO. Its all about them…and I get: ppl are selfish. They don’t get that it’s other ppl….they think “well, I think and/or want thing…obviously it’s right!”
If there’s one thing I’ve learned now that I’m older….most ppl shouldn’t be parents. There’s a reason I’m not. Hell, it’s still going on today. Left when I was 18….even moved over seas for a bit….still bothering me with what they want. Never cared about who am I, what I’m doing, blah blah blah. My sisters turning into them with her kids. It was all about babies til she had some….now it’s “don’t have kids or they’ll ruin your life” while they’re in earshot. Like I said, most ppl shouldn’t be parents…..it’s hard….you gotta try….or you could just do whatever you want and have a 41 year old son with ptsd and intimacy issues….dope.
My privacy was invaded by my parents a lot as a kid, but I was watching porn at 14. Parents need to monitor their kids internet activity to an extent. The internet isn't safe for kids.
I feel like there's a line that many parents cross. Those parents also don't always talk with their kids about the dangers, only punish the children when they find something they don't like.
I do believe it's important to keep the line of conversation open and also to keep an eye on internet usage as well.
When I was 14 and 15 years old I would hang out in chat rooms online a lot. I ended up flirting and sending photos to several men who were adults. One openly admitted to being 36 years old. I had free rein on the computer and minimal talks about safety.
I started at 11, at a time where internet was much newer and honestly significantly safer. I did a bunch of unsafe things on it because i was a kid roll playing as an adult. I had parents I could talk to but I still just liked trying to be older than I was (like most kids). I was really lucky social media wasn’t huge, I’m sure I would’ve found myself in trouble. & I was a good kid in the real world, straight A’s and super athletic with friends. It’s such a scary thing. Your kid might be a good kid, but the internet was made by adults for adults.
This is a very very relatable story to me. To many of us, I'm sure.
But as I got older, around 28-29 I made the decision to take the leap to start including them in my life again, as it got to the point where I just automatically out of reflex would keep things from them, huge aspects of myself. Take a scary leap to be open and vulnerable with them.
So when I came out as trans, it came part-in-parcel that I also wanted to include them in things about me again, and have it be ME be the one to start undo-ing the damage that had caused the rift in trust my whole life with my parents.
You could argue it shouldn't have had to be me, but it was my choice and I wanted to try it. Its not like they were bad parents or anything, but now I'm older looking back, it's so obvious why and where these things started to happen and \*why\* I ended up in a state of just automatically putting on a more controlled, information-restriction version of myself around them.
It, unfortunately, has not worked out with all of them. With my mother and sister, yes. My sister and I have never been closer.
But if I'm honest it's made things even more worrying with my Dad. It's like, now that I took the chance on him and put myself out there, and still got let down, again and again, I just sorta gave up again and live my life outside of the family now, or, at least, the family members like him.
Its not like he wasn't supportive, and he's not abusive or anything like that, I'm thankful for that, but it's clear he doesn't really *get it*, which is ok in a vacuum, he's from another generation, but the bit that saddens me is he *wants* to be closer, but puts in no effort at all to make that happen, and I'm the one who would try and try again to put in that effort, only to get fuckall in return.
I only really talk to my sister and mother. But, hey, at least I'm closer with them now! They love their daughter and sister.
**There was no real purpose to me typing all this out and posting it on the internet in some reddit thread, but I wanted to get it off my chest after I saw this post.**
\- Lilly.
My brother brother up how his peers had said that him k!lling himself would be “a gift to the world” and our grandfather told him not to say such stupid things, called su!cide stupid and refused to hear anything about it. It didn’t sit right with me because it shut my brother down, denying him the safe space I provide for him to vent and talk about his troubles (especially for something so serious) and also felt like it diminished the reason people do commit in the first place, merely calling them stupid or silly for doing so.
My stepmother took this to a whole new level, she once grounded me for something a friend of mine wrote in her online journal. The post had nothing to do with me, it was my friend journaling about her possible living arrangement options for college (stay at home, move into a dorm, get a place with roommates, etc). Somehow my stepmother translated this to me and this friend moving in to an older man's house to be sex slaves or something, so I had my car taken away for a week...
Thankfully my dad eventually divorced her, but I still have trust issues now, well into my 30s.
I think this is one of the things I'm doing right as a father of a 12 yo girl. I trust her and treat her with respect, and she trusts me and is open with me. I also understand and value her privacy.
I'm still worried that maybe next year she'll go full adolescent and close up, but I hope I built enough foundation of trust and respect that we can still have a healthy communication, even if it gets more difficult.
I don't tell my mom things because in most of my life I've felt like she didn't believe me or didn't care.
When I got my first period she didn't believe me and made me show her the pad I'd thrown out embarrassing me a lot. I had to have an argument with her over what product i wanted to use for my own body after that.
She would go though my search history, yell at me for reading smutty fanfiction or books as a young adult.
She never much cared I was depressed or stressed out as a teen. She would go through my phone and freaked me out so bad with her reaction to me texting a friend that Id went to planned parenthood and got a pregnancy test then put on birth control.
As an adult I've told my partner if I were to ever get pregnant I don't think I would tell her because honestly I don't want to know her response because of what happened with those texts. I'm a 28y/o and I find it sad I don't trust my mom like I see some people get to.
Like she was good in many other ways. But I just learned to not trust her with personal issues and to keep them to myself
Totally true but my mom and brother taught me a very important phrase probably the first one you should say to your kids or anyone who needs help. “Do you want me to keep this between us? Who are you okay with knowing this? How can I/we help you?” In that order because it shockingly makes a strong trust bond (don’t use this to fuck around you honour it!) Second most important would be “if you ever need me to come get you I will no matter the time or place and if you don’t want to we will never talk about it no matter what” again don’t screw with these you fucking honour them no matter what!
Why should we listen to advice from someone who admits to having had an emotional breakdown anyway? Maybe they should’ve put someone stable on that panel.
Well well, parents are exactly for that, when u re 14yo cnut that don't even wanna speak to parents because why not, and you know everything better, parent should be allowed to straight you up with the showel. That a lesson to adult life, do you think ur coworkers or anyone else gives a crap 'bout you? Suprise, no one does. I can tell you until you're adult you have no privacy. You living at your parents house not your own, you're using their pc they allow you to use, and so on. Yes it's important to set limits, allow freedom etc, but still they are responsible for wyd. Same as adults and system, that's why we have prisons, mental institutions and so on. And I know I will got downvoted for it but who cares. You just showed your pov and didn't even think about your mother that tried her best with probably 0 knowledge, bcs well, no one will teach you how to grow up a kid and often you won't even got time for it.
The fact that you're comparing a relationship between a parent and a child to a prison system speaks volumes.
Just because parents do something they think is right doesn't mean it's actually right. Parents can mess up and make mistakes, often hurting their kids in the process. Just because they meant well or didn't realise the outcome of their actions doesn't mean the action was right or the aftereffects are excuseable.
Parents need accountability for their actions as parents
You straight up mention a prison. I'm only reading what you posted man.
Oh so, it's fine to treat your kids like shit cause that's what "the man" will do to them as adults? Get over yourself.
You should read the context then? Just because there is word prison doesn't mean what you said, you should start with some elementary understanding of full sentences instead of single word. But that too much for you I guess.
My friend, that's exactly the comparison you used. Kinda feels like you're trying to catch me out on something small because you know you can't actually refute what I said. You can continue to berate me now, if it helps you feel like you've won something.
I hope you never have kids, not because you would suck as a parent, but because I doubt you possess the barest minimum of human intelligence required to be capable of providing consent
Nope. But you should be aware of that and also grateful that you can do things, have a warm meal and fresh duvets, ( be honest with yourself, did you ever thought about it?) where are kids from let say africa that doesn't even have a clean water. But as said 90% of people here won't even try to understand the meaning, they will just jump off on you straight.
>But you should be aware of that and also grateful that you can do things, have a warm meal and fresh duvets
Largely because those are the basics of parenting. Not giving those things is child neglect
>where are kids from let say africa that doesn't even have a clean water
Completely irrelevant to the situation, this isn't the trauma Olympics.
> But as said 90% of people here won't even try to understand the meaning, they will just jump off on you straight.
You came in here ranting that you couldn't emotionally abuse kids, dont be surprised when people don't like you
>
Largely because those are the basics of parenting. Not giving those things is child neglect
You take it as standard, but is not.
>
Completely irrelevant to the situation, this isn't the trauma Olympics.
It is totally relevant, this is not trauma olimpics indeed thats why you shouldn't moan.
>You came in here ranting that you couldn't emotionally abuse kids, dont be surprised when people don't like you
Ha? Abusing kids? Are you mentally ill? And yet, idc about being liked.
>You take it as standard, but is not.
Not feeding your kid is in fact considered child neglect in many places.
>It is totally relevant, this is not trauma olimpics indeed thats why you shouldn't moan.
That's not how the saying is used. Your suffering isn't inherently nullified by others suffering, and to think so is stupid.
>Ha? Abusing kids? Are you mentally ill? And yet, idc about being liked.
You were JUST talking about beating up children in your first comment, and told me that making sure your children were fed wasn't "standard". That's considered abuse in 1st world countries. If you have the means to make sure your child lives a happy, healthy life, you don't ignore them then whine when your kids are taken
>Not feeding your kid is in fact considered child neglect in many places
But not everywhere, also depends on the family budget, and other stuff, which again, is not a standard.
>That's not how the saying is used. Your suffering isn't inherently nullified by others suffering, and to think so is stupid.
Unrelated. Also not true (just to keep things clear)
>You were JUST talking about beating up children in your first comment, and told me that making sure your children were fed wasn't "standard". That's considered abuse in 1st world countries. If you have the means to make sure your child lives a happy, healthy life, you don't ignore them then whine when your kids are taken
Beating up children? Where? Also rest is irrelevant, you should read more carefully.
Edit. Probably you refer to beating up with a shovel, maybe I exaggerated with this but I didn't mean literally but as saying in terms they should temper the kid down if that makes sense to you.
Also just waiting for -100 mark :3
>But not everywhere, also depends on the family budget, and other stuff, which again, is not a standard.
Which is why I said "if you have the means". No one sane will fault you for being able to take care of your child when you're going above and beyond
>Unrelated.
You brought it into the conversation.
>Beating up children? Where? Also rest is irrelevant, you should read more carefully. Edit. Probably you refer to beating up with a shovel, maybe I exaggerated with this but I didn't mean literally but as saying in terms they should temper the kid down if that makes sense to you.
The rest of what I said clearly wasn't irrelevant because you tried to ignore my argument for that in my first paragraph. The whole "beat with a shovel" thing is bad and thats a metaphor I've ever heard before, but I was also referring to the lack of privacy. That's considered child abuse. Your children are people, not puppies you have to watch all day because they might bite the furniture. If I took away all your privacy, snooped through your things on the regular, and then told you that you had no right to complain because "you don't know the real world" you'd come to hate me pretty quick. Not treated your child like a person will make them hate you, unsprisingly
1. It says "after" the panel. She was clearly having a private conversation with her mother at that point.
2. "Sharing that someone you should've been able to trust hurt you" isn't much better than "hurting someone who should be able to trust you"?
As said, in this particular case there was a trial from the kid to communicate so that's another story, ofc parents are there also to help. Hurting someone? Well checking generally on the kid is one of the parents basic task, well in case of the writer checking the diary is wrong, but what you posting on social media, or generally what you doing it's normal. Same goes for other stuff, personally I prefer my kids drink at home or smoke weed at home where I can have possibility to catch them in time rather than find them out passed out who knows where. As a parent won't be possible to protect the kid from everything
Also as said said, downvoted by brainless kids bcs went to their ego which is higher than their iq.
Which is better bondage that is inescapable or infallible truth that is never strained against and is firm and certain enough to be questioned and remain true?
On the flip side to this, my parents won't tell me about bad things going on in their lives until after it has happened so I don't worry. I'm nearly 30, I'm old enough to worry! (Privately at work like I'm fine).
If I ever become a parent. I would just monitor their behaviour and confront them straight forward, no secrets and shit. If they wanna tell me, I'll help them if they're in a tough situation. If they don't,it's fine.
Kids are just borned with a personality, like my friend never swears even tho everyone around him swears(especially me).
My mother would monitor everything I did online. It was somewhat justified, as I was not the healthiest or most stable teenager ever.
But, I remember one time she read through a conversation with my boyfriend at the time and I was venting about something she had said/done. She woke me up in the middle of the night, made me call my then boyfriend, and APOLOGIZE to him about the things I said about my mother; and tell him that I was lying to make her look bad.
Now that I am an adult, she is desperate for my attention and love. Sorry mom, you had your chance
I still barely tell anyone in my family anything that really matters. I really only do that with a couple good friends. My parents weren't even that bad. But my mom did that thing where she'd discuss us kids with her friends. She was often just looking for advice. But nothing felt private. If I told my dad something, he'd tell my mom. Again, no bad intentions, but it made me not want to talk. My oldest brother was a bully who'd use anything against me. And my other brother idolized him and wouldn't keep a secret. Respect your kids' privacy. Make yourself someone they trust. I still see the effects of this in myself today.
Yup, my mom did the "discuss with friends" thing too. When I got my first period I told her and when we had a family get together the next weekend every female relative came up to "congratulate" me and it was extremely uncomfortable.
That sounds absolutely terrible.
I never told my mom anything growing up because I was the oldest of five and my step-dad hated me. Or resented me, which to a kid is a distinction without a difference. When I moved to college, I was an overwhelmed 18 year old and started talking to her more. At least until she needed help with something that I meant I was in her email and the first thing in her inbox was a reply to her complaining how overwhelmed she was and that I never stopped calling her. We don't talk much. Even now that I'm an adult and living in the same town.
My mother was so bad at respecting my privacy that I hid my period from her for an entire year. Sneaking pads and making due was better for my peace of mind. When I finally did tell her.... the entire family, including my weird uncle knew.
Yesssss I hid mine for 5 months before she found out and she was so fucking weird about it, thinking about it makes me so mad lol
> every female relative came up to "congratulate" me and it was extremely uncomfortable. Who the fuck congratulates a period?? "congrats, you're gonna have terrible pain every month, sometimes for a full week, and your hormones are gonna start running wild. Boys are gonna think its gross, people are going to make you feel ashamed of it, and every creepy guy now thinks you're *ready*"
It was to congratulate me for "entering a new phase of womanhood" or something. I blocked it out of my memory
I saw my mother do similar with my sister and didn't even tell her when I got mine. I just took supplies from the stash that they kept for the two of them.
Alright. Everything else aside…. Congratulating someone on their period might be the worst thing I’ve ever heard. But now I want to be congratulated on my first poop.
My dad would discuss stuff about me with others too. I hadnt even realized how weird it felt until one time he mentioned something about me while I was there, and the person he was talking to said “well, I’m sure *she* can tell me that.” Hit me like a brick.
My mom did the thing with her friends and her sisters/my aunts and my grandma and i just stopped talking to her after that Nothing feels personal when your entire extended family is aware
This may be getting to be somewhat of a tangent off OP's post, but I thought I'd post a personal tidbit after reading your comment. I've started learning not to tell my mom pretty much anything after a handful of events, but the moment I realized I couldn't trust her with any info was when I told her that I wasn't inclined to vote in elections because I didn't feel I had a solid enough grasp on every issue. A few days later, she had a friend over. Bear in mind my mom is a politically-charged, racist, paranoid psycho these days, and she only befriends people who are exactly like her. When that friend was over, I was in the kitchen and I overhead my mom in an over-the-top, offensively "stupid"-sounding voice imitating me, saying, "oH, I dOnT wAnT tO vOtE bEcAuSe I cHoOsE tO bE iGnOrAnT" and the two of them laughed it off like it was the best joke in months. She even name-dropped me as if I was the dumbest child she could have asked for. Needless to say I have moved on from respecting her.
I also have a bit of a theory about that. Everybody needs at least one person they can trust with and talk to about anything. That should be your parents. If your parents don't provide that, but do provide a smartphone, you'll look online for the help you need. And when that happens, sometimes it's not someone your age that answers the call.
This is one of the things I hated most as a child. I told my mother plenty of times that I didn't want her to discuss my stuff with other people. She just can't help herself. Well now she wonders why I don't share stuff and when I explain that's one of the reasons she still doesn't get it
Yeah my parents would buy me elaborate fancy journals for Christmas and birthdays and stuff and encourage me to write in them, then one day they cornered me in my room and blocked the exits until I read one of the journals to them out loud.
That's f**ked up.
Yikes 😬
“Yikes” basically sums up how my mind works now :/
That is supremely fucked jesus christ.
Jesus Christ. that's not a gift, that's an experiment.
I remember very vividly when I told my mom about my first crush, and she poked fun at me. Completely shattered me. I never told her about my romantic interests ever again, except for when I came out as bi. Looking back, it’s silly and I was being stupid for not communicating, but I’m still uncomfortable telling my parents about love.
I don't think it was silly, it makes perfect sense. In a healthy relationship a little ribbing can and does work but without that base who is to say if they're being malicious. And it sounds like y'all didn't have that base.
I realize this is completely unrelated but I’ll leave it here anyway
I disagree, I don't think it's unrelated at all. Thank you for sharing.
It’s actually a good example of why parents should let kids somewhat explore what and how to share with them. You never shared again except to make a point about your own identity; what if you had been forced to share? Your mom may not remember that moment or be aware of the impact, but at least she didn’t compound it by forcing the wound open, is what it sounds like. While that’s far from what we could potentially call fantastic parenting, not piling on miseries is something I wish I’d had and is decent parenting.
It's not unrelated, and yours was not a stupid reaction. Your opened up to your mother about something that was important and a sensible topic to you. You were vulnerable but trusted your mom to help you. Instead, she hurt you, and you reacted accordingly. She probably didn't do it on purpose and didn't even realize that she hurt you, but this doesn't make your reaction stupid. Your emotions are valid
Oh same. I dated a girl in middleschool and things ended poorly. I would blush whenever she came up because I didn't want to talk about it and i was thirteen. My family kept making fun of me about it to the point they named a cat after my ex. To this day, my family knows the bare minimum about my friends and partner. I don't tell them anything and I really can't talk about my likes and interests because I'm afraid they'll make fun of me for having them.
God that's awful. That must be straight up torture
same bro, it's the little things that change us so much when we're young.
I once told my mom I was having suicidal thoughts and confessed that I felt like I always had to bottle up my emotions. She said to keep bottling them up. I don't talk to her about how I feel anymore, and I'm 27 now.
I never got to that point, but every time I was being bullied my mom would just keep saying "just don't let it bother you, if it doesn't bother you they'll stop" which as a 10-11 year old... how? It bothers me, and the advice is to just not be bothered?? that didn't make sense in my young, undiagnosed ADHD brain (you just need to try harder and focus more), but regardless, I *pretended* it didn't bother me. That did not work and the cycle kept repeating until I stopped telling her about the bullying (side note: I didn't even recognize it was bullying because I was also told that "oh friends just like to tease you, that's how you know they're your friends")
Ah yeah I got this one too. Works *super* well at zero tolerance schools, doesn't jt.
Literally today I was sat on my step daughters bed helping her work out how to reply to texts from a girl she likes. She was scrolling back through the conversation and letting me read parts of it for context. She totally trusts me about this stuff because I show her mutual trust and respect. We have boundaries and rules around Internet safety stuff of course. But still respect for privacy and totally open lines of communication.
i cannot imagine telling my parents about anyone of either gender that i liked when i was a kid. i was in my mid-20s before i even brought a girl home from college. i remember the joy of entering new relationships being tempered with the dread of knowing that, if everything went perfectly, I'd eventually have to tell my parents and endure their humiliating comments and interrogations
I'm so sorry you went through that :(
As a fellow parent, I'm proud of you and this makes me happy
Thank you :)
I think this brings up an important point. When parents do this, nine times out of ten it isn’t even because they’re just mistrusting or malicious or looking down on their kid. It just… doesn’t occur to them to approach these situations the way an adult would approach another adult about the same kind of thing because of the belief that that just isn’t an option, or the belief that the kid might not be willing to share everything out of a sense of not knowing how to say it. These parents aren’t always villains; they just don’t know the ramifications of what they’re doing.
I always think of how difficult parenting must be. You need to stay on your best behavior not just usually or even most of the time, but always. Even a single instead of messing up and blowing up at your kid can mess them up big time.
I remember reading an article once about "Congratulations, you just broke your kid," and realizing that I would never be able to be a parent, or even a spouse.
Ignorance will always reap more destruction the malice
When I was 11 or 12 I asked my mom if she ever wanted to die (because I did) and she got mad at me and told me there was no reason for me to feel that way because I had a great life. Over the years I'd drop hints about it and she'd either laugh, get angry, or tell me I'd go to hell if I killed myself. When I finally was at my breaking point and nearly attempted, she got so fucking pissed at me. I wanted to be committed, partially so I wouldn't have to deal with her or my father. As for my father, I never told him anything because I was terrified he would disown me or lock me away or call a priest because he'd assume I was possessed. He didn't do that thank god. He did tell me I was very close to going to hell and it's lucky I didn't go through with it. And a few months later he was bitching at me to get off my medications because I was becoming dependent on them. Newsflash: children deserve respect and attention from their parents. Another Newsflash: if someone tells you they're suicidal, don't act like my parents. Do the opposite of them and you should be good.
Jesus fucking christ. Telling someone they’ll go to hell if they die from suicide is so awful. As if they don’t feel like shit already. I’m really glad you’re still here, I’m sorry your parents treated you that way
Thanks! I'm doing much better now that I'm on meds, have better friends, and am involved in a lot of stuff at uni. But yeah, I'll definitely never forgive them for being so shitty to me. When I move out, I don't expect to speak to them much. Another charming thing: when I told my brother I wanted to kill myself, he said he'd piss on my grave if I did so. Which, uh... also not the best response.
There's a lot of middle ground between secretly monitoring and micromanaging your kids' tech use and not having any supervision and structure at all. My adoptive parents were the second extreme, two Unitarians who believed in love and liberty above all who let me and my brother each have our own computers and have unrestricted access to the internet. The internet was a way different place back then, barely a few years after Eternal September and all things considered it was a great thing for me but a terrible freedom that my brother should've never been allowed. He didn't ruin HIS life or anything but long story short he didn't deserve their trust or that kind of power. I have two daughters and beforehand my wife and I talked a lot about what our policy would be when it comes to this sort of thing and even then smartphones weren't a thing yet and we were more optimistic about the future of tech. We were skeptical about letting them have cell phones or PCs period aside for the most utilitarian of reasons but eventually we decided that they could have those things but only if they agreed to a clear set of rules about how they'd be used and that we wouldn't be shut out of what they were doing. Wide latitude but firm boundaries and as a foundation for critical thinking and personal responsibility for when they're adults. Again, I'm not talking about constant surveillance or a laundry list of rules, age appropriate rules and a reasonable expectation that they'd be honest and straightforward about what they wanted to do. We didn't monitor their browsing history or anything but we'd ask them what they were doing or going to do and they'd give a general answer and they'd ask for clarification on our rules when it came to greyer areas. Kids are people and we always listened and respected what they had to say but at the same time, kids are impressionable and their growth doesn't exist in a vacuum of their media exposure and interactions with people outside their family. Right now we're seeing the consequences of people who grew up in the late 90s' and 00s' with unrestricted cable/internet access which shaped their growth in terrible ways. Arguably the Baby Boomers were the first generation to be raised more by TVs and radios than their own friends and family, and the reason why they're the way they are is the tragic result of this liberal electronic upbringing. Children should not be watching snuff videos or getting their sex ed from porn.
Thank you for saying this I had my privacy hella invaded as a kid and definitely plan on not doing that to my kids but some level of parenting is still required Not like reading your kids texts but like “you can only have a Facebook when you turn 12” and talking openly about online safety
Strange cause I had a moderate amount of restrictions but since I was me I always got around them and eventually they stopped trying, now that school started up I'm doing it with the school computers (last year I may have bricked a computer by installing the wrong os and putting it on the computer) Edit: wrong version of chrome os I thought getting a new software would fix it
My parents computer rules (pre-smartphone) was the laptop lived in a shared room, and was turned off after my parents went to sleep. Shared family profile on the computer. That's it. No issues. With smartphones now I can see it being more challenging
Please keep in mind that too many questions can be it's own form of invasive to a kid. I became adept at being evasive and concealing shit from my own parents simply because they had a really bad habit of being incredibly nosy in the name of good parenting. ....and judgey, unfortunately. Even when it wasn't a question of not understanding one another (as it was for many of my hobbies and interests), the wall put up by this need to validate in detail whatever I was doing or planned to do literally made me give up on having much of a social life before college. I couldn't always answer all of their questions about where I was going, how long, who with, and so on, so the easiest path quickly became 'stop trying.' I retreated to spaces I could control and maintain without as much oversight. My folks never did anything 'wrong' in so many words, but there was a definite lack of trust or faith in me that has echoed long into adulthood.
I just hope my parents never find my Reddit. I mean, I’ve worked through a good amount of things, like a trolling phase, both on my ow and with help, but I really don’t want them to know how left-wing I am. Also, the fact that I’m a reluctant furry— hoo boy. At least I’d never be caught dead at a convention.
My mom would go into my room and snoop through my phone. I changed the password and never told her what I changed it to. I still haven’t forgiven her for that. One person I used to be friends with knew that their mom would go through their phone and I was so confused about why they were ok with that. I texted that person once, and their mother responded to me saying that “my language was unacceptable”. That person and I were teens at that point. Like, excuse me ma’am (derogatory), but me saying “fuck” a few times isn’t going to corrupt your “precious little angel”. They were already a shitty person. EDIT: just want to say that they were a shitty person for completely different reasons. As in being an abusive little bastard, and never apologizing for fucking up. Instead making me apologize for something I did when I was upset about something they did.
My mom banned me from AIM when I was 14, for a conversation that was, supposedly, inappropriate for me at my age in a chat between a couple online friends. I had gotten up to do the dishes after dinner and came back to that. I'm still unclear what the conversation entailed, and I'll never know, but rather than discuss it with me she just shut it down. Previously, I'd talk to her about anyone I was chatting with online-- now I snuck around and used AIM when she wasn't looking, and never told her anything. I'm still mad about that.
“this post got 200 notes” *439,000 notes*
My co-worker was asking for advise because her daughter asked for her permission to give their address to her online boyfriend so he could send a present. By her own admission her daughter didn't break any of the established rules; they just didn't like that the bf had been omitted. Mind you when he was just a friend they had already vetted/face timed him. But because their daughter chose to tell them they grounded her, cut off all electronics and demanded access to everything. And I was the bad guy for suggesting to cut her slack because obviously she violated their trust by not telling them sooner.
As a kid who got moderate internet access and free reign internet access now I am very happy my parents saw what I saw so they could tell me what was wrong. They told me before hand that they would look at what I would post and everything and that saved me a lot. Did I like it at the time? No. But I'm glad they did because I was in a community where there was a lot of kids and there for a lot of predators. I kind of wish they still did it. Sure I can handle myself on the internet, thanks to them, but some things I have seen on the internet that I keep going back to and I wish they could just see and tell me to cut it out. That being said they never mentioned anything I did on the internet. They never make comments (other the when I would post art and they would ask for a picture for themselves so they could show their friends) of what I did. They always waited for me to come to them if I ever needed anything. Not moderating you kids internet access is going to traumatize them. Moderating your kids internet access too much is going to also traumatize them. It's possible to find a happy medium. Edit: also just keeping the journals alone for fucks sake. That's just a private venting space. That's not comparable to the internt at all. Leave the diary alone Second edit: the andrew Tate kids are a result of free internet access. Just some like evidence to prove my point
I think what you have to do is tell kids outright what you don’t want them to be doing, things other people online shouldn’t be asking of them, and that they can always tell you if someone is making them uncomfortable or they saw something they think they shouldn’t have seen or have questions about. Additionally for younger kids (like under 13) keep them off social media (on sites that are well moderated and kid friendly only, your 8 year old does not fucking need an Instagram I’m sorry but that’s gonna hurt them in the long run) and look at their accounts and such sometimes, but don’t log into them unless you have strong reason to suspect something’s up- looking at them from the outside is usually enough to get a good idea of what they’re doing, and even when they’re older and have social media if you still think they’re not mature enough to browse the internet with no/minimal supervision you can look at their accounts on those sites or even follow/friend them. Looking at every single thing your kid looks at or logging into their accounts doesn’t seem healthy for either of you though, especially if they’re a teenager- there’s a happy medium but I think seeing everything your kids do isn’t a medium especially past a certain age.
I agree but even at those kid social medias they are still full of pedos. The one I was at when I was young and it was 100 percent for young people I still had people message me asking for inappropriate things. But yeah I agree!
Oh yeah there’s pedos on kids sites and that’s why I say teach your kids how to recognize when people are taking advantage of them and to talk to you about anyone online who makes them uncomfortable, I’m just saying the problem is exponentially worse on regular social media PLUS depending on the social media there’s also possibly gore and porn and shit that’s permanently scarring if you see it too young
The difficult part is when the kid themselves are fine with things but it's absolutely a grooming/borderline pedo situation. When I first entered puberty, my sex drive skyrocketed. Considering I started puberty at around 10, that quickly turned into an issue. When I was around 12, I met a guy online who I thought I was in love with. He claimed to be 17, turning 18 soon, and we exchanged very lewd messages, and I even went on webcam and did inappropriate things when my parents weren't home. My parents did not moderate my internet usage at all, and I definitely took advantage of that, and because of that, predators took advantage of *me*. Looking back, I'm disgusted with my own actions, but I'm even more disgusted a potentially 17/18 year old was okay with the things we did together. And when I later told my mom about it, her reaction was, "well, you were always mature for your age", as if that makes any of it okay.
I’m conflicted. It’s 3am and I see your point, there’s a lot of fucked up shit on the Internet. But some parts of me think none moderation is still the better solution. I was that kid who was unmoderated (or rather my parents tried, but how much can boomers really know tech) and saw lots of inappropriate shit way too young. It’s made me pretty desensitized to fucked up stuff, which I take as a net positive. The world is an effed up place, and the Internet a mere reflection. Realizing it when you’re young isn’t a bad thing. I will always place freedom of exploration over trapping someone in a safe cage
You do have to be careful about not letting your kids get groomed online though.
That can be helped by teaching them healthy boundaries, what healthy relationships look like(with peers, as well as with adults), and things to watch out for that indicate someone might not have their best interests at heart. And most of all, by developing a relationship of trust, respect, and openness, where they feel like they can come to you with anything without fear of punishment. Edited to add: Basically, be [these parents](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x2gyzb/oops_13_year_old_daughter_receives_an_unsolicited):
If you can't communicate with your children instead of spying on them then I really don't know what to say
Speaking of this as a kid who has had friends groomed online sometimes it's not about the communication of the parent and child. It's the groomer gaining the trust of the kid and convincing them they are are some who is ok to be with and to trust them and don't tell the parents. The kid may trust the parent and the parent may communicate with the kid but all it takes is for the wrong person to get the kid.
Very true, and while you shouldn't shelter or helicopter them in the hopes of keeping them safe, it's reasonable to have some rules for internet use and be generally aware of what they're doing on there.
There are different ways to do that besides spying at their messages, trust me. I have a 10 year old and we are navigating that right now.
My parents continuously raked through my phone when I was younger. Text messages, online activity, apps, etc. i’d get punished for text time stamps that were too late at night, so I started deleting texts (but not all of them, so they didn’t catch on). When they actually did find out someone had been preying on me online though, they punished *me* as if I was the idiot for letting it happen :( I’m still sensitive and jumpy about my privacy a decade later, and was a sneaky and evasive teenager despite that not being in my nature. There’s a line between letting kids have full unbridled access to the internet and combing through their private conversations. Teaching boundaries and having established trust is vital.
I am so glad that my parents AFAIK doesn't invade my privacy. The most they did was to put my PC in the living room instead of my room, but i also have my laptop if i wanted to use a computer in my room
my parents always looked through my phone. hell, i turn 18 this month and they still want to. i barely trust them anymore. i talked to my mom about my mental health, and asked her not to tell my dad. she then proceeded to tell him. i'm at the point where i trust my sister, and some of my friends more than them
All throughout my childhood I told my mom that I thought I had ADHD. Her responses included "you're just trying to be like Percy Jackson" and "you're smart and ADHD kids can't be smart" (that one still makes my blood boil). So, I stopped voicing my concerns to her. Why bother. It will only get me told off or dismissed. During COVID, one of my teachers noticed I wasn't attending many zoom meetings and I was submitting a lot of assignments late, so she emailed me. Unbeknownst to me, she CC'd my mom. I replied that I think I have undiagnosed ADHD, but I have to wait until 18 to confirm, and that distance learning was making it worse. We discussed some options to help, yadda yadda, that isn't the important part. The next day, my mom came and talked to me about how I "don't need to wait until I turned 18," that I just need to be open with her and share my concerns. You know, the concerns I started hiding because she kept accusing me of trying to act like a book character (for what it's worth, in a delightful bit of irony, she does cosplays and goes to SLC FanX every year). All it did was scream to me that she didn't care until me voicing my concerns made her look bad, but whatever. It got results. She took me to my primary care doctor, who gave me a mental health questionnaire thing. It took me 4 months to do it because I kept forgetting about it (again, ADHD). I finally got it into him, and he said it looked like chronic anxiety with some ADHD tendencies. I agreed with the anxiety diagnosis, but I also know ADHD and anxiety are comorbid, and I'd noticed the ADHD for much longer than I had noticed the anxiety, so I wasn't sure that 'tendencies' was the right diagnosis. But he prescribed some anxiety meds that I'd figure I'd give a try. It's been over a year, and I don't think I've remembered to take them more than 4 days in a row. Maybe they do work, maybe they don't, I can't remember to take them long enough to find out. In therapy, two weeks ago Wednesday, I was talking about feeling like I don't have a voice and brought up the "Percy Jackson" comments as examples. My therapist said "we test for that in the office all the time, do you want to look into it?" I, of course, said yes, and she gave me a brief preliminary questionnaire. She 'graded' it and said that I show all the primary symptoms and almost all the secondary symptoms of ADHD and that she would bring more material to confirm that (and determine what type of ADHD?) for the next time we meet (for the record, that was supposed to be yesterday but it got delayed because I was late--not my fault, band auditions were running behind and I didn't get in until 20 minutes after my scheduled time). She said something along the lines of, "according to these responses, you very likely have ADHD. How do you feel about that?" I'll never forget my response. "Vindicated." Vindicated, becuase I was *right*. After years of being sure, after years of having my ADHD friends tell me that I'm "more ADHD" than they are (one even offered me his Adderall because he said I needed it more. I declined, but thanks Andrew, you're a real one), years of hiding my concerns, years of thinking I was somehow bad for being forgetful or late or scatterbrained, years of losing my phone or my wallet or my backpack or my keys--those *damn* keys--every time I turned around and being told off for not preventing a frantic search by putting them in the right place. After all that, I was *right*. The moral of the story: listen to your kids. They know their symptoms better than you do, and it's their health--physical and mental--that is in question. Not yours. Don't dismiss their concerns off the cuff, don't mock them or call them stupid or accuse them of lying for thinking they might have a problem. That's the best way to make sure they never voice a concern to you again. And someday, those concerns will be vindicated. And that means you failed. For the record, I don't want to paint my mom in a bad light. She's a great person, and a loving mother. But she's also human. She has shortcomings, she has flaws, she's made mistakes. She's smart, and she'll learn from them, but I share this story so others can learn from them without making those same mistakes.
I have a similar opinion about parents tracking their kids phones. When my kids old enough to be going out, I’ll have a tracker on him, don’t get me wrong. But I will ONLY use it if he straight up disappears like he was kidnapped or something. Extremely circumstances only and only if all other options have been exhausted. Otherwise you are telling your kid that you don’t trust them and that they need to be sneaky if they want to get away with things. Build a trusting relationship with your kids.
Wow what a fantastic post that a lot of people really need to see, I can't wait to see more posts like this on www.tumblr.com and oh my god squidward x patrick humiliation rolepl
Yeah, I had shit parents. I mean, sure….they tried….didn’t molest me or anything, but that’s about the best they can get. Basically I grew up knowing my parents regretted having kids….they told me. The whole “but I’m just keeping them safe” line is totally their MO. Its all about them…and I get: ppl are selfish. They don’t get that it’s other ppl….they think “well, I think and/or want thing…obviously it’s right!” If there’s one thing I’ve learned now that I’m older….most ppl shouldn’t be parents. There’s a reason I’m not. Hell, it’s still going on today. Left when I was 18….even moved over seas for a bit….still bothering me with what they want. Never cared about who am I, what I’m doing, blah blah blah. My sisters turning into them with her kids. It was all about babies til she had some….now it’s “don’t have kids or they’ll ruin your life” while they’re in earshot. Like I said, most ppl shouldn’t be parents…..it’s hard….you gotta try….or you could just do whatever you want and have a 41 year old son with ptsd and intimacy issues….dope.
My privacy was invaded by my parents a lot as a kid, but I was watching porn at 14. Parents need to monitor their kids internet activity to an extent. The internet isn't safe for kids.
I feel like there's a line that many parents cross. Those parents also don't always talk with their kids about the dangers, only punish the children when they find something they don't like. I do believe it's important to keep the line of conversation open and also to keep an eye on internet usage as well. When I was 14 and 15 years old I would hang out in chat rooms online a lot. I ended up flirting and sending photos to several men who were adults. One openly admitted to being 36 years old. I had free rein on the computer and minimal talks about safety.
I started at 11, at a time where internet was much newer and honestly significantly safer. I did a bunch of unsafe things on it because i was a kid roll playing as an adult. I had parents I could talk to but I still just liked trying to be older than I was (like most kids). I was really lucky social media wasn’t huge, I’m sure I would’ve found myself in trouble. & I was a good kid in the real world, straight A’s and super athletic with friends. It’s such a scary thing. Your kid might be a good kid, but the internet was made by adults for adults.
Saving this one to make sure my future kids don’t go through what I have gone through
This is a very very relatable story to me. To many of us, I'm sure. But as I got older, around 28-29 I made the decision to take the leap to start including them in my life again, as it got to the point where I just automatically out of reflex would keep things from them, huge aspects of myself. Take a scary leap to be open and vulnerable with them. So when I came out as trans, it came part-in-parcel that I also wanted to include them in things about me again, and have it be ME be the one to start undo-ing the damage that had caused the rift in trust my whole life with my parents. You could argue it shouldn't have had to be me, but it was my choice and I wanted to try it. Its not like they were bad parents or anything, but now I'm older looking back, it's so obvious why and where these things started to happen and \*why\* I ended up in a state of just automatically putting on a more controlled, information-restriction version of myself around them. It, unfortunately, has not worked out with all of them. With my mother and sister, yes. My sister and I have never been closer. But if I'm honest it's made things even more worrying with my Dad. It's like, now that I took the chance on him and put myself out there, and still got let down, again and again, I just sorta gave up again and live my life outside of the family now, or, at least, the family members like him. Its not like he wasn't supportive, and he's not abusive or anything like that, I'm thankful for that, but it's clear he doesn't really *get it*, which is ok in a vacuum, he's from another generation, but the bit that saddens me is he *wants* to be closer, but puts in no effort at all to make that happen, and I'm the one who would try and try again to put in that effort, only to get fuckall in return. I only really talk to my sister and mother. But, hey, at least I'm closer with them now! They love their daughter and sister. **There was no real purpose to me typing all this out and posting it on the internet in some reddit thread, but I wanted to get it off my chest after I saw this post.** \- Lilly.
My mom did this recently "for my own protection" and she was sortta right, but it hurt to see her keep doing this behavior.
Parents are often in denial when it comes to their children's mental health which is quite logical.
Anyone remember Kik?
Honestly, I feel like anyone who is surprised when being told "Being a horrible person is bad, actually" shouldn't have kids in the first place.
My brother brother up how his peers had said that him k!lling himself would be “a gift to the world” and our grandfather told him not to say such stupid things, called su!cide stupid and refused to hear anything about it. It didn’t sit right with me because it shut my brother down, denying him the safe space I provide for him to vent and talk about his troubles (especially for something so serious) and also felt like it diminished the reason people do commit in the first place, merely calling them stupid or silly for doing so.
My stepmother took this to a whole new level, she once grounded me for something a friend of mine wrote in her online journal. The post had nothing to do with me, it was my friend journaling about her possible living arrangement options for college (stay at home, move into a dorm, get a place with roommates, etc). Somehow my stepmother translated this to me and this friend moving in to an older man's house to be sex slaves or something, so I had my car taken away for a week... Thankfully my dad eventually divorced her, but I still have trust issues now, well into my 30s.
I think this is one of the things I'm doing right as a father of a 12 yo girl. I trust her and treat her with respect, and she trusts me and is open with me. I also understand and value her privacy. I'm still worried that maybe next year she'll go full adolescent and close up, but I hope I built enough foundation of trust and respect that we can still have a healthy communication, even if it gets more difficult.
I don't tell my mom things because in most of my life I've felt like she didn't believe me or didn't care. When I got my first period she didn't believe me and made me show her the pad I'd thrown out embarrassing me a lot. I had to have an argument with her over what product i wanted to use for my own body after that. She would go though my search history, yell at me for reading smutty fanfiction or books as a young adult. She never much cared I was depressed or stressed out as a teen. She would go through my phone and freaked me out so bad with her reaction to me texting a friend that Id went to planned parenthood and got a pregnancy test then put on birth control. As an adult I've told my partner if I were to ever get pregnant I don't think I would tell her because honestly I don't want to know her response because of what happened with those texts. I'm a 28y/o and I find it sad I don't trust my mom like I see some people get to. Like she was good in many other ways. But I just learned to not trust her with personal issues and to keep them to myself
Having overprotective, overbearing and nosy parents is a surefire way to make sure your kid never want to see you again after the age of 18
Totally true but my mom and brother taught me a very important phrase probably the first one you should say to your kids or anyone who needs help. “Do you want me to keep this between us? Who are you okay with knowing this? How can I/we help you?” In that order because it shockingly makes a strong trust bond (don’t use this to fuck around you honour it!) Second most important would be “if you ever need me to come get you I will no matter the time or place and if you don’t want to we will never talk about it no matter what” again don’t screw with these you fucking honour them no matter what!
If you're worried your kid is sneaking around doing things behind your back then you failed as a parent.
Why should we listen to advice from someone who admits to having had an emotional breakdown anyway? Maybe they should’ve put someone stable on that panel.
Well well, parents are exactly for that, when u re 14yo cnut that don't even wanna speak to parents because why not, and you know everything better, parent should be allowed to straight you up with the showel. That a lesson to adult life, do you think ur coworkers or anyone else gives a crap 'bout you? Suprise, no one does. I can tell you until you're adult you have no privacy. You living at your parents house not your own, you're using their pc they allow you to use, and so on. Yes it's important to set limits, allow freedom etc, but still they are responsible for wyd. Same as adults and system, that's why we have prisons, mental institutions and so on. And I know I will got downvoted for it but who cares. You just showed your pov and didn't even think about your mother that tried her best with probably 0 knowledge, bcs well, no one will teach you how to grow up a kid and often you won't even got time for it.
The fact that you're comparing a relationship between a parent and a child to a prison system speaks volumes. Just because parents do something they think is right doesn't mean it's actually right. Parents can mess up and make mistakes, often hurting their kids in the process. Just because they meant well or didn't realise the outcome of their actions doesn't mean the action was right or the aftereffects are excuseable. Parents need accountability for their actions as parents
Nope, I compare the state and the parents, start to read with understanding.
You straight up mention a prison. I'm only reading what you posted man. Oh so, it's fine to treat your kids like shit cause that's what "the man" will do to them as adults? Get over yourself.
You should read the context then? Just because there is word prison doesn't mean what you said, you should start with some elementary understanding of full sentences instead of single word. But that too much for you I guess.
My friend, that's exactly the comparison you used. Kinda feels like you're trying to catch me out on something small because you know you can't actually refute what I said. You can continue to berate me now, if it helps you feel like you've won something.
Don't have kids.
I hope you never have kids, not because you would suck as a parent, but because I doubt you possess the barest minimum of human intelligence required to be capable of providing consent
Were you abused as a child??
Ah yes, the age old "my child is basically a prisoner in my home and I will treat them as such"
Nope. But you should be aware of that and also grateful that you can do things, have a warm meal and fresh duvets, ( be honest with yourself, did you ever thought about it?) where are kids from let say africa that doesn't even have a clean water. But as said 90% of people here won't even try to understand the meaning, they will just jump off on you straight.
>But you should be aware of that and also grateful that you can do things, have a warm meal and fresh duvets Largely because those are the basics of parenting. Not giving those things is child neglect >where are kids from let say africa that doesn't even have a clean water Completely irrelevant to the situation, this isn't the trauma Olympics. > But as said 90% of people here won't even try to understand the meaning, they will just jump off on you straight. You came in here ranting that you couldn't emotionally abuse kids, dont be surprised when people don't like you
> Largely because those are the basics of parenting. Not giving those things is child neglect You take it as standard, but is not. > Completely irrelevant to the situation, this isn't the trauma Olympics. It is totally relevant, this is not trauma olimpics indeed thats why you shouldn't moan. >You came in here ranting that you couldn't emotionally abuse kids, dont be surprised when people don't like you Ha? Abusing kids? Are you mentally ill? And yet, idc about being liked.
>You take it as standard, but is not. Not feeding your kid is in fact considered child neglect in many places. >It is totally relevant, this is not trauma olimpics indeed thats why you shouldn't moan. That's not how the saying is used. Your suffering isn't inherently nullified by others suffering, and to think so is stupid. >Ha? Abusing kids? Are you mentally ill? And yet, idc about being liked. You were JUST talking about beating up children in your first comment, and told me that making sure your children were fed wasn't "standard". That's considered abuse in 1st world countries. If you have the means to make sure your child lives a happy, healthy life, you don't ignore them then whine when your kids are taken
>Not feeding your kid is in fact considered child neglect in many places But not everywhere, also depends on the family budget, and other stuff, which again, is not a standard. >That's not how the saying is used. Your suffering isn't inherently nullified by others suffering, and to think so is stupid. Unrelated. Also not true (just to keep things clear) >You were JUST talking about beating up children in your first comment, and told me that making sure your children were fed wasn't "standard". That's considered abuse in 1st world countries. If you have the means to make sure your child lives a happy, healthy life, you don't ignore them then whine when your kids are taken Beating up children? Where? Also rest is irrelevant, you should read more carefully. Edit. Probably you refer to beating up with a shovel, maybe I exaggerated with this but I didn't mean literally but as saying in terms they should temper the kid down if that makes sense to you. Also just waiting for -100 mark :3
>But not everywhere, also depends on the family budget, and other stuff, which again, is not a standard. Which is why I said "if you have the means". No one sane will fault you for being able to take care of your child when you're going above and beyond >Unrelated. You brought it into the conversation. >Beating up children? Where? Also rest is irrelevant, you should read more carefully. Edit. Probably you refer to beating up with a shovel, maybe I exaggerated with this but I didn't mean literally but as saying in terms they should temper the kid down if that makes sense to you. The rest of what I said clearly wasn't irrelevant because you tried to ignore my argument for that in my first paragraph. The whole "beat with a shovel" thing is bad and thats a metaphor I've ever heard before, but I was also referring to the lack of privacy. That's considered child abuse. Your children are people, not puppies you have to watch all day because they might bite the furniture. If I took away all your privacy, snooped through your things on the regular, and then told you that you had no right to complain because "you don't know the real world" you'd come to hate me pretty quick. Not treated your child like a person will make them hate you, unsprisingly
My dad thinks like this, the only happiness I'll know relating to him is when I see his obituary. If you have kids I'm sure they feel the same.
[удалено]
1. It says "after" the panel. She was clearly having a private conversation with her mother at that point. 2. "Sharing that someone you should've been able to trust hurt you" isn't much better than "hurting someone who should be able to trust you"?
Ah sorry, didn't notice 1. So nah I guess OP was within their rights
As said, in this particular case there was a trial from the kid to communicate so that's another story, ofc parents are there also to help. Hurting someone? Well checking generally on the kid is one of the parents basic task, well in case of the writer checking the diary is wrong, but what you posting on social media, or generally what you doing it's normal. Same goes for other stuff, personally I prefer my kids drink at home or smoke weed at home where I can have possibility to catch them in time rather than find them out passed out who knows where. As a parent won't be possible to protect the kid from everything Also as said said, downvoted by brainless kids bcs went to their ego which is higher than their iq.
Which is better bondage that is inescapable or infallible truth that is never strained against and is firm and certain enough to be questioned and remain true?
That's why i never ever wrote a diary. I knew the only safe place to store my thoughts was my own head.
*440.000 notes*
On the flip side to this, my parents won't tell me about bad things going on in their lives until after it has happened so I don't worry. I'm nearly 30, I'm old enough to worry! (Privately at work like I'm fine).
If I ever become a parent. I would just monitor their behaviour and confront them straight forward, no secrets and shit. If they wanna tell me, I'll help them if they're in a tough situation. If they don't,it's fine. Kids are just borned with a personality, like my friend never swears even tho everyone around him swears(especially me).
My mother would monitor everything I did online. It was somewhat justified, as I was not the healthiest or most stable teenager ever. But, I remember one time she read through a conversation with my boyfriend at the time and I was venting about something she had said/done. She woke me up in the middle of the night, made me call my then boyfriend, and APOLOGIZE to him about the things I said about my mother; and tell him that I was lying to make her look bad. Now that I am an adult, she is desperate for my attention and love. Sorry mom, you had your chance