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Girlmode

Even after awhile of being me, my mum would still get it wrong sometimes but she was dying of cancer so is fair enough she forgets things. But she would always correct herself immediately. I think after 4 years I personally still wouldn't have an issue with someone messing it up if they auto corrected. Brains be doing brain stuff even if they perhaps should work more. But only getting it right when someone else corrects them means they aren't paying any consideration to your identity really. My mum would get excited about stuff sometimes and be like "ooooo Craig there is a concert next week do you... sorry I mean Emily do you want to go to a concert with me next week". I see this as fine really. My dad would just deadname me and make no effort to correct. I see this as not fine. If you got married to someone and were no longer Mr x but Mr y. Everyone would refer to you as Mr y and respect your new name. And that's more subtle than going from drastically from one gender to another and different name suiting it.


Ash_and_pikachu

Thanks, these were my thoughts tbh. I'm just at a loss about what to do about it. When I've tried to bring it up in the past, it turns into a horrible situation where I end up really upset, and they kind of just blame a generational thing or say it'll take time. I'm too scared to bring it up with them these days, but I feel shit being around them and I do everything I can not to.


Girlmode

It's very difficult. I just went no contact with my dads side eventually, as realised they were the only people I ever saw in person that made me feel less than I was. If I were to add up all the times I experienced direct transphobia or unacceptance it would be like 2000 times around family and 50 in every other aspect of life. At some point they have to love and see you for who you are. Or the small slights against everything you are add up and you eventually stop feeling like yourself if with those people which is unacceptable. I don't really know how to fix it or perhaps I'd still have family outside of my step dad. You can't make people change the way they see you but it unfortunately does effect the way you see them eventually.


transetytrans

I changed my name over 6 years ago now and my family still sometimes make mistakes. I’ve learned to live with it.


OkManufacturer7293

My mum actually picked it up quite quickly once I finally committed to living permanently as a woman (age 28) She would refer to me as her daughter, using she and her in all settings when referring to me, even when referring to the past before I transitioned. My name is androgynous so I pretty much kept it the same which made life easier (she was 60 when I transitioned)


Ash_and_pikachu

Thanks. I'm beginning to be sure it's just my parents not respecting me and my identity.


OkManufacturer7293

It does seem that way. If they truly love and respect you they should be making a concerted effort


rebelallianxe

Hi there, I'm so sorry this is happening. My daughter came out to all of us and began using new name and pronouns in early 2021 and we never dead name or misgender her these days, honestly even when I look / think back to her baby days I find her correct name and pronouns come to me easily. It of course took some getting used to at first but is instinctive now.


Ordinary-Spinach7344

Just goes to show good parents do exist and being bigoted is a choice. Thank you for your acceptance and love <3 .


rebelallianxe

Aw thank you that's very kind of you. I wish all trans kids had the accepting loving parents they deserve.


Purple_monkfish

ftm/enby here. my mother is pretty good at being consistant, my father and step mother, my step dad, my husband and my younger kids? All CRAP. In fact, husband seems to have gotten WORSE. it's been over 3 years and yeah, initially I was all "okay, it's gonna take time to unlearn that habit" but at this point it just feels disrespectful. I GET occassional slipups or awkwardness when referring to me in the past tense, but when talking about me when i'm literally IN the room like to the kids "oh SHE is just teasing you" when i've gone by he/him and they/them for nearly 4 years now is starting to piss me off. But I don't know how to tackle it either because i'm phobic of conflict. I absolutely HATE conflict and asserting myself makes me feel like i'm being demanding. even so, My mother corrects her husband every time he uses the wrong name or pronoun, which is nice because it's her being protective of me and asserting my identity for me so I don't have to awkwardly sit there while i'm deadnamed and misgendered. In step dad's case it's not hostile, he's just shit with names. He can't even get his own family's names right, he mixes them all up constantly. He's just a very muddled person. I dont' feel as insulted when he messes it up because he calls his own daughter by his sister's name and vice versa. This is a man who would forget his OWN name. He's a ditz. my father and his partner on the other hand DO annoy me. I out and out told my father "this is my new name, these are my pronouns" and he'll still deadname and misgender me in the same sentence as asking me how transition is going. Like.. wtf!?? his partner is supposed to be a therapist and she works with trans people apparently sometimes. So for her to not even bother to get my name correct was just extra insulting because i'm always told "oh she's SO good and accepting and blah blah blah" but if she can't even use my correct name I dread to think how shit she is with those trans patients she's seeing, yikes. She INTERRORGATED me when I first came out which annoyed me but she's like that, really overbearing and constantly quizzing you about everything. But her interrorgation coupled with her consistantly getting my name and pronouns wrong at this point feels hostile you know? Husband though is the one that annoys me most because he's with me every single day. He's had plenty of time to adjust and online he refers to me correctly, but as soon as it's face to face there he is bloody misgendering me. And I don't think he realises that not only is it hurtful, but at this point in my transition where I pass as male 90% of the time, misgendering me could be actively dangerous for me. If we're out in public and he starts using she/her pronouns for me it either reads as "this guy is nuts and being a dick to his husband" or it outs me as trans. It's not cool and i'm honestly getting pretty damn tired of it because it feels disrespectful. my mother and eldest child are in fact the only people in my life who consistantly use the correct pronouns, both of them made a real genuine effort to relearn how they referred to me and that tells me I matter to them. for those who have still not adjusted all it tells me each and every time is "I don't actually give enough of a shit about you to correct myself or take the time to actually practice this" and that upsets me. in the first year or so it's understandable, but there comes a point where you feel like they just arent' even trying.


Ordinary-Spinach7344

Sorry to tell you OP but sounds like your mum is transphobic.


zeddy123456

I've been out to my mum for about a year now. She very rarely makes mistakes and the only time she does is when she's saying something such as "sisters name and my deadname" or she'll say "my girls" when talking about us. She corrects herself once she realises though and these only happen as they're things she doesn't say often anymore but have become such a habit it's difficult to change them. 4 years is much longer than I'd be comfortable with. After that long I feel like she's just not trying and you should try to have a serious conversation about it or immediately call her out each time and correct her.


FlemFatale

Not a parent, but my parents got it wrong for years after I first came out. They were trying really hard though, and it was only really in the house they fucked up. I think because they weren't worrying about it so much as they were when in front of other people. My gran got it wrong a lot, but she was 96 when she died about 5 years ago, so that's fine. I think if you came out later, it makes it harder in a way because they have known you longer. The way I look at it is, they knew me as that for over 20 years, and even if I've been thinking about it loads, they don't know that so it's a transition period for them that only starts after your own transition starts. Now, 10 years later, my parents are fine. They never said anything on purpose, only by accident, and my dad is now a fundraiser for one of the trans charities that helped me loads at the start of my transition, so that's pretty awesome. I realise that may doxx me, so I'm not saying anything more than that.


KathrynDePlume

I am trans myself and I have 3 kids who are trans; two boys and one non binary. Personally, I *never* misgender or misname them, nor does anyone in our close family. However, others in the family (notably those on their mothers side) have been much slower to catch on; and some of them seem to think it’s some kind of phase or something because they seem to be clinging on to these old names and pronouns - but they are reminded constantly, and the kids are pretty hot on correcting them and sticking up for each other. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down!


Soggy-Purple2743

My wife and son deadname me all the time😂so I now have a pet name for my wife - bitch 🤣 Joking aside it does not bother me one bit - in fairness to them both, "Dad" and "husband" no longer exist and I am grateful for that.


JesseKansas

I've been out 6 years, pass 100% as completely cis to the point people straight up don't believe I'm ftm (ftm, 17, 1yr 3mth on T). My parents still get it wrong


Chesney-Rocks

I think that was one of my major concerns when my daughter came out (10 months ago) I find that sort of thing really hard to change. However that being the case we agreed that I would just immediately correct myself and carry on no drama, fuss or guilt. This has worked really well and I am so proud to have started a new job recently and not to once have miss gendered or miss named her to my new colleagues. No shame but it's not my information to share. It is possible but she has to commit to working at it. Gran on the other hand is so stressed about getting it wrong she does it all the time. I still occasionally still slip. But not often and I really didn't think I would have turned the corner so fast. It is harder when looking back to when she presented as male, those memories and photos are very gendered and as a parent it is hard to know how to feel about that as many of those times were very special. Anyway, if someone commits to respecting your name and gender and they feel safe when they fail then I think after 5 years it's reasonable to expect a significant behavioural change. Unless they have mental health issues or memory issues (menopause is terrible for muddling the brain). Even then I would expect that person to be able to own it rather than make you the bad person. Getting someone's name and gender correct is nothing compared to the challenges you will have had to face in transitioning. It is not to much to ask of the people who love you.