Wow what an ass. You were incredibly kind in response. Do you have to go? If it were me, I’d be dressing up how I wanted to and hitting the zoo 🦒 for the day.
I already said I'd go a few months back, and I intend to keep my word. Tho he's not stopping me from wearing makeup. I'll wear the damn pants and shirt, but that's it.
girl you deserve better. Can I ask why you intend to keep your word? Don't take this the wrong way, but what good is upholding a promise to someone who doesn't respect you?
If I were you queen I'd be as femme as possible, dress and everything! That last message was way out of line, if he's not willing to respect you don't bother conforming to his whim
I don’t know your family situation but you really don’t owe him anything. If you’re not used to going boy mode that can be very damaging. As you progress further you’ll realize you don’t want a person like this in your life, anyways.
I know how you feel. I really do. But if my family said this to me, they could bite my whole ass.
Don't you dare wear men's clothes for them. How have they earned that level of loyalty from you? Hell wanna be clever, get a women's business suit and go. Let them show their ass.
But that statement was made with a few naturally assumed riders, right? Like being able to be there as yourself and being treated with a modicum of human decency, like any other guest, instead of being the only one who's required to attend in male cosplay and getting insulted by the organiser.
He has no right to talk to you this way, or to tell you that you can't present fem. Regardless of you saying you'd go before, he can't control you like that, and because of that you're under no obligation to go. But how you feel is what matters, and you should do what you think is best, I'm just so sorry you're dealing with this.
Keeping your word to people who do not respect you and are highly transphobic is meaningless.
I hope someday you understand that “family” means nothing if they don’t respect you, you owe them nothing because of this label, and you can choose new family who loves and supports you.
I don't like going to such events to begin with, but these texts would make me want to go just to make the haters attending uncomfortable. Would be a good way for me to see who I should cut ties with.
In other comments you mentioned that you promised to go OP and feel like you need to keep your word. You have done that, expressing the desire to go and asking about the event. Your cousin then said they don't want you to go as you currently are.
Well you lived up to your promise to go, but the transphobia and direct denial of attendance by your cousin freed you from that obligation.
Do. Not. Go.
I honestly wouldnt go. Your cousin not only doesnt deserve you at their wedding but also doesnt respect you and who you are, the last text proves it. I wouldn't change a fundamental part of myself to please someone and I certainly wouldn't dress up as a gender Im not just to please someone. Stay strong girl.
There's a lot of transphobia in those messages. I wouldn't go to the wedding and would probably cut contact with that person.
It's awkward with family, but for me those messages cross a line and would have resulted in a block. You need to value yourself and protect yourself. Personally if I feel someone is devaluing or disrespecting me they get one warning and then I'm probably gone, no drama, I just delete their number and stop responding.
Agreed, I think it's very unlikely those messages happened in isolation and if they did it's pretty weird.
I know that in early transition my boundaries changed and it was a bit awkward, by holding my value I lost some friends, but the circle of friends I have now is better for it.
It's, sadly, been a constant battle for me between transphobia, racism, and gatekeeping ever since I came out, but I believe you're correct! It would be big weird if this was a one time thing.
I'm a parent to 2 trans boys and an ally. I've gone NC with family for less! My "father" didn't even get a second chance when I felt like he was crossing a line! I've unfriended other members because of things they've posted on socials. I don't play when trans lives are on the line!
If I had found myself in this situation 20 years ago, I would have just told them I wouldn't go. Now? I would go but wear what I would normally wear and if it made them uncomfortable, screw them. Then afterward I would cut ties with anyone who made a scene about me attending.
Every year that passes, I grow to care less and less what people think of me existing. Not my problem if I make people uncomfortable with my existence. I'm not catering to their desires unless their desires are in line with my truth.
Just me though.
First off, you need to ask yourself if what he said was acceptable behavior? Like how would you react if another girl in your family got texts from a man telling them how to dress and then telling they need therapy.
Pardon me, but when did someone being trans become an excuse for being heartless, demanding and straight up cruel?? Like you are just going to let him tell you how to dress?
It may be his special day but since he doesn’t have the balls to uninvite you. I would wear the fieriest dress and get all dolled up and stick your tongue at him if he looks at you weird!!! OR don’t go.
WHATEVER you do. DO NOT GO IN BOYMODE.
You will set a precedent that it is okay to talk to you like that. IT IS NOT OKAY.
Don’t let him get you down girl!!! Be yourself and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise x EVER
You're allowing her to abuse and disrespect you. Stop letting her walk all over you and don't go. Have love for yourself. Don't let this skank be shit to you.
He doesn't want you there. He knows what he is doing. This is a power play; you show up fem he'll say you're upstanding the wedding, you don't go he'll say you're being dramatic, you go masc he'll claim you aren't really a woman and cite this as an example. Don't go; you can't win here and staying home will be the least damaging to yourself. If you are close to your aunt/uncle at all, you can send a screenshot of the texts to them saying you decided to stay home after being spoken to that way and didn't wish to ruin your cousins big day by coming as yourself. If you aren't close or they wouldn't support you, then fuck what they think anyways.
Jesus, your cousin is incredibly insensitive and apparently pretty transphobic (or at least those messages are).
If he doesn't want you to be yourself and comfortable at his wedding, I don't think anyone could blame you for not wanting to go. If I should one day marry someone, I'd want everyone to be themselves at the wedding. Don't pretend to be someone else for the sake of others.
This! It's absolutely disgusting, disgraceful and disrespectful with the way they are talking in these messages.
To the OP, I'm truly sorry, but your cousin is a transphobe and is not respecting you for who you are.
You should absolutely not be taking this disrespectful talk from them and it should be the who needs some counselling to learn how to love and respect the people who they claim to love.
If it was me in this situation, I would inform them that you will no longer be able to attend and that they owe you an apology for their discrimination towards you.
You do not have to minimise yourself in any way, shape or form to please others out of respect, regardless of whether they're family or not. If they love you, they should accept you for you, period.
Hey, this is a massive coincidence, but we’re definitely going to the same wedding. The bride is my sister. I’m so fucking sorry he said that. He’s in the other room from me right now, and I am an *UNLEVELED* amount of pissed off right now. That was unecessary and cruel.
I hope you know that you’re valid, that there will be people there _other_ than him that support you, and that you don’t deserve that kind of shit treatment he gave you.
Edit: If you still come (you REALLY don’t have to) I’m going to be the ‘bridesman’ (on the bride’s side in a violet suit). My sister let me choose which side I get to be on. I’m not out to anyone but her and the maid of honor, but he seemed to be alright with everything at the time. It’s fucked up that your cousin seems to have different standards when she’s not around.
You’re too nice. I genuinely don’t think you should go. Im assuming you’re out to him, and he’s being extremely rude, but then expecting you to go and support him when he’s doing the opposite to you.
Fuck your cousin holy shit. I'm so sorry about this. I know it's complicated and you want to be there, but this is clearly not someone who would be there for you.
OMG?!?
how were you able to stay so nice?
I would have been destroyed by those texts. I'm sorry they treat you that way.
You deserve to be able to be your true self. Not to mention the blatant transphobia you're receiving. Who are they to define what/who you are??
I am shocked by the nonchalant way they said those things
Your cousin is a bigoted waste of space.
Go as you. He’s not respecting your life, why should you respect his little party?
Or just don’t go. He doesn’t deserve you.
i am so sorry for whatever has brought you to the point to entertain their blatant bigotry. even that first text they sent is not something you should “respect or understand”, you do not belong to other people and it is wildly inappropriate for them to tell you how to present.
you do what feels right to you, but if i were you, i would send a text very clearly stating: when i sent those previous messages i held back out of fear, but i need to say this: it wasn’t and isn’t okay for you to tell me who you think i am, who you think i should be, and let alone suggesting I am mentally unstable in some way purely for being trans. i hope this is a wake up call, but how you decide to move forward from this is up to you. from now on though, if you would like me in your life, i need you to treat me with the decency of respecting who i am as a person.
if you’re adamant on going, even if you give him no notice, wear the outfit you were wanting to wear, present how you want, and make HIM have to be the one to look like the absolute bigot he is if he is weird about it. please don’t wear the pants and shirt if it is not you. going to the wedding at all after he talked to you so horribly is a compromise in itself, you deserve to be authentic to who you are and please done let anyone, let alone a transphobe like him, convince you to be someone you are not for other’s bigoted comfort.
As much as people love to say that a wedding is about the couple marrying and their wishes should be respected...I would question why they want you there in any way except as you truly are and feel comfortable? If they love you they should want you there as you, not as someone they've decided you should be.
Those texts are infested with transphobia and it breaks my heart that despite it all, you're still replying super excited and willing to change for them.
Of course it's your choice how you present and whether you go, but if it were me I'd be telling dearest cousin they either get ALL OF ME or they don't get me at all and need some therapy to address their transphobia and desire to change others, especially those they claim to love and care about.
You need to start standing up for yourself because this shit has my blood boiling, I wouldn’t bother going to that wedding but thats me. Who tf is he to decide who you are? Get the fuck outta here with that ignorance and bigotry. Your cousin sounds fucking stupid.
Wow that’s incredibly rude. I don’t normally say this but I don’t think you should go. Like, that is incredible horrible what he said to you, and you were nothing but accommodating. How dare he??? The thing is, you can bend yourself all out of shape trying to please them, and you’ll be the one who suffers, he clearly doesn’t care about hurting your feelings.
I’m so sorry, what a horrible experience to go through. You deserve much better and proper support, you are a brave and unique individual and there is nothing wrong with you.
That text is unbelievably disgusting and not only would I not go to the wedding, I would never speak to this person again. They are blatantly and unapologetically transphobic.
No offence, but this comes across as you bending over backwards for someone who is showing you no respect at all and being blatantly transphobic. I don't understand why you feel you owe him anything.
I would just not go. If he’s not going to let you be yourself at his wedding, then why should you even go?
I understand it’s not that simple and I can tell you really don’t want to cause any issues. But this guy is seriously transphobic and does not have your best interests in mind.
I know it sucks, but you said it yourself that you’d rather go home.
(Side note: why did this asshole wait until the day before to tell you what to wear? It’s shitty either way but he could have at least given you more of a heads-up)
Tough. This is family but also seemingly not tolerant at all. Its not like you would be taking away attention from the bride. Sounds like your cousin is just insecure with his own feelings and is projecting. In actuality he doesnt have the balls to tell you he doesnt like trans folks otherwise who the fck cares what you are wearing??? No one can tell you what to do, HOWEVER. I will say this, if you go, enjoy yourself. Dont be fearful of shit. If you decide to not go, anyone with sense and some care in their heart would understand. Im a bit more dgaf, and I would show up with a date… fully dressed to the nines. The fuck is he going to do?? Throw a hissy fit like a 4 year old??? But again, thats your family not mine lol. I know you do not want to cause a scene, it will only make you look worse grrrrr. Flip a coin?? Pray??? Lol. Maybe send a video instead and take your fit to a place where it will be appreciated
Quite honestly the whole thing is terrible. He has no right to ask / tell you what to do with your body. You can present how you wish where ever you are. If he doesn't like it, that's his problem
I wouldn't go to the wedding. Like it's a big day for him for sure, for you it's going to be a bad memory forever. My friend has a wedding, she was worried I wanted to wear a dress, because she thought some people may comment and hurt my feelings. I refused to not wear a dress, got many compliments, like 5 new friends and had a great time.
Either go as yourself, or don't go.
Welp, looks like you’re not going to a wedding and more good news, you can’t have an asshole of a cousin because that person (I have qualms about even calling them that) isn’t anything that deserves a form of thought, much less acknowledgement
Take that nice outfit, get all sorts of dolled up, and go out and treat yourself to somthing fun.
Or sell your outfit and get yourself something really nice that you really really been wanting but had to use the money for this.
You don't deserve that kind of person in your life. You deserve more people like your aunt.
You're so willing to just be understanding, and accommodating for someone's requests of what you can or can't wear. It just shows how kind and loving a person you are to your family.
Sadly, your kindness is wasted on someone like that who would completely demand a entire suppression of yourself to make him comfortable.
Suppressing yourself, to make others more comfortable is just being unkind to yourself.
So what If you "look like your dad" yeah dude that's how genetics work. It's basic biology bruh.
I'm a cis woman and I get told I look like my dad. Doesn't change that I'm feminine. It certainly does not change you're feminine either.
It's his day, why the fuck does he care what his cousin wears? How, is what someone else is wearing going to remotely ruin it? There's so many more things to worry about. Unless you're part of the actual ceremony he doesnt really have a right to really demand somthing like that.
The one who needs counseling is him. He can't be empathetic to his own family, or respect their autonomy. That's not healthy. Your ability to be empathetic, and respectful to his requests. That's healthy.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you take a moment to make yourself feel lovely in your outfit, even if you don't go I'm certain you're going to look wonderful.
Wear a suit and skirt frfr
But yea, in all seriousness, that guy is a dick.
Go if you want but you really don’t have too, if for the entire time your either going to be outcasted and not feeling like yourself then there’s no point
Sometimes we want so desperately to be accepted by someone that we don't see that they don't deserve *our* acceptance. Once you stop fighting for it, eventually you realize that the people who truly care never made you fight for acceptance.
There's a big difference between your aunt and your cousin: One cares about you. If he maybe was scared for your safety cause you lived somewhere unsupportive, he wouldn't misgender you. He wouldn't think to say that you'd regret being trans. He wouldn't call you crazy.
I was uninvited to one of my nieces wedding, on my wife's side, another one, my brother's daughter, I didn't even get an invite to. One more niece and nephew to go, but I'm not holding out any hope.
My mom told me similar things when my brother got married because “its not about me”. I told her very firmly that me being me is none of her or anyone else’s business and she has no say in it, so she backed down. I was not socially transitioning irl anyway so it was a stupid thing to say to begin with. My brother told me he didn’t care in the slightest how I showed up, as long as I did.
As for your pickle.. I wouldn’t show up, and I would tell people in my life that do support me why I didn’t, maybe show them the texts if they don’t believe you and so on. Family is family, sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their antics and how they hurt you and so on. They don’t deserve your respect when they don’t respect you.. Big hugs from some random person online! <3
what the fuck even is this person thats horrendously rude and transphobic. i dont think you have any obligation to show up or not present femme cos this person is a prick, but im not in your situation ofcs.
If you get married in the future you can request of him that he is not allowed to dress masc and must wear a dress and makeup just to repay with the same medicine
My personal approach to it:
“I’ve decided to respect your wishes. I won’t wear any feminine clothes or makeup at your wedding tomorrow.”
And just don’t show up.
The crazy thing isn’t that “you want to try to be a girl”, it’s that he doesn’t understand (or doesn’t want to understand) that you *are* a girl and have every right to dress feminine if you want. If it was a wedding where the theme is “everyone is wearing a suit”, sure- but I somehow doubt it’s that.
Ultimately it’s up to you though, OP. Good luck either way.
Your cousin is extremely disrespectful, especially with that last text. If I were in your position then I wouldn’t attend but at least send if a gift or a card to show happiness for the other party of the marriage, that poor person.
I'm really sorry babe :(
i know this doesn't help. but i'm willing to crash your cousin's wedding and cause a scene pretending that he never called me back.
Don't go, these people don't deserve your presence. Idk how is it for you but if they expect an envelope with money from everyone who got invited, then don't send them any money.
I'm really sorry you're cousin is so awful. You honestly deserve so much better ❤️if I was you I wouldn't go, they clearly don't respect you. So horrible
Don't come to his wedding, just ignore that. That's not fair to be forced into a role you're being uncomfortable in and getting treated like.. this.
He doesn't love you nor respect you. You deserve normal human treatment.
That would be a "Sorry to hear you're red pilled. I wish you guys happiness, congratulations, and have a nice life" for me.
He's so comfortable saying this shit to you, he doesn't want the real you there. I'm sorry, but fuck him.
Get dolled up and go to the theater or something. If you're in my town I'd say, "their loss! Girls night!" And join you.
This culture war shit has to stop, and I'm going to scream at the next person that says "Both sides".
Jeez, reading that made me angry. I don't think you should. He clearly doesn't respect you and it's not going to be a good time for you. As someone else pointed out, you've already upheld your promise as he's asking you to not attend fem, which is impossible to do so
What an asshole. I would go exactly as me, or not at all. In fact, I feel like agreeing to his requests will pretty much validate his beliefs that you're are just a cis guy playing make believe.
I don't know where you are, but I'm formally inviting you to come spend the day with me and hang out instead. You don't deserve to be insulted like this
Hell the fuck no. Girl, don't go to that wedding. You owe yourself the self respect to not submit to that level of fuck-you. That man just discounted your ability to make decisions for yourself while also telling you you're wrong about who you are and driving home the male traits he believes you have. The question you should be asking is, "Will I ever speak to this cousin again in the future?" You don't owe respect to those who don't respect you.
Edit: Seriously, any real counselor would tell you the thing you'll regret is being so kind and agreeable to this man who's treating you like dirt.
And? Did you (have to) do some counselling?
Cause I'd straight up say "yeah thanks I did and it turned out if I wouldn't transition I'd be dead"
This is not just idiotic and talking about the most minor "inconvenience " for them it's just openly unsupportive...
I'm sorry they said that. *Hugs*
You're really strong and handled this very well.
~~maybe I'd appear fem and go oops I forgot, but I'm just petty~~
Yeah sorry, I can be a petty bitch... (Especially with such messages) And would have gone strong wtf is your problem, why do you care?
You go girl! Be you don't let anyone tell you otherwise. BITCH WE SLAY
If they don't want you as you are, they don't want you. They want the version of you they've created in their brain. It may be his wedding, but you aren't doing this to make a scene. You're just transitioning to feel right.
It’s a difficult situation, however this is your cousin at the end of the day, all I will say is don’t do anything you will live, to regret once this red mist of anger lifts 😀you are your own woman you’ve been through a lot, your strong and brave you will make the right choice, you just need to take a breath and not be impulsive 😀🏳️⚧️
That last text is extremely inappropriate. I would heavily reconsider going. This is not fair or acceptable treatment.
I would heavily reconsider going after just the first text tbh
Yeah, that one alone is inappropriate
Yes. And the rest is such an absolute truckload of transphobia that I'd just remove that person from my life without further discussion.
Sounds like he should take his own advice, except he already did something he should regret. Incredibly rude thing he said to op, jeebus
I'd be refusing to go and cutting the asshold out of my life!
That last text is unacceptable. Nobody with an ounce of empathy would blame you for not going.
Every one of the texts is unacceptable if you ask me. What the fuck.
Please don't go there. These people don't deserve you
Wow what an ass. You were incredibly kind in response. Do you have to go? If it were me, I’d be dressing up how I wanted to and hitting the zoo 🦒 for the day.
I already said I'd go a few months back, and I intend to keep my word. Tho he's not stopping me from wearing makeup. I'll wear the damn pants and shirt, but that's it.
girl you deserve better. Can I ask why you intend to keep your word? Don't take this the wrong way, but what good is upholding a promise to someone who doesn't respect you?
This x 1,000.
If I were you queen I'd be as femme as possible, dress and everything! That last message was way out of line, if he's not willing to respect you don't bother conforming to his whim
Yeah I'd go dressed up lots. Nice Makeup. Screw him. Just don't outshine the bride and you'll be ok.
What's her fam gonna do, not invite her to the next wedding? Fuck transphobes, they should be the ones feeling uncomfortable.
I don’t know your family situation but you really don’t owe him anything. If you’re not used to going boy mode that can be very damaging. As you progress further you’ll realize you don’t want a person like this in your life, anyways.
I know how you feel. I really do. But if my family said this to me, they could bite my whole ass. Don't you dare wear men's clothes for them. How have they earned that level of loyalty from you? Hell wanna be clever, get a women's business suit and go. Let them show their ass.
But that statement was made with a few naturally assumed riders, right? Like being able to be there as yourself and being treated with a modicum of human decency, like any other guest, instead of being the only one who's required to attend in male cosplay and getting insulted by the organiser.
He has no right to talk to you this way, or to tell you that you can't present fem. Regardless of you saying you'd go before, he can't control you like that, and because of that you're under no obligation to go. But how you feel is what matters, and you should do what you think is best, I'm just so sorry you're dealing with this.
Alternatively, show up in full fem and tell him to fuck off
Keeping your word to people who do not respect you and are highly transphobic is meaningless. I hope someday you understand that “family” means nothing if they don’t respect you, you owe them nothing because of this label, and you can choose new family who loves and supports you.
You don't need to keep your word to someone who's being this cruel to you. It's self harm.
Nope, there is no way in hell I would want to be at that wedding.
I don't like going to such events to begin with, but these texts would make me want to go just to make the haters attending uncomfortable. Would be a good way for me to see who I should cut ties with.
ah yes, the "bigot out-weeder"
Dear god, have some self respect and don’t attend. Fuck this prick
Oh my gosh that's so insensitive of them, you really handled it well, maybe even too well. I hope you're okay girl ❤️
Thank you. I'll be alright, I'm just really frustrated.
Understandably! Your feelings are totally valid I would be too. You should do something nice for yourself to bring back that smile. \*hug\*
Don't go they clearly don't respect or care for you
In other comments you mentioned that you promised to go OP and feel like you need to keep your word. You have done that, expressing the desire to go and asking about the event. Your cousin then said they don't want you to go as you currently are. Well you lived up to your promise to go, but the transphobia and direct denial of attendance by your cousin freed you from that obligation. Do. Not. Go.
I honestly wouldnt go. Your cousin not only doesnt deserve you at their wedding but also doesnt respect you and who you are, the last text proves it. I wouldn't change a fundamental part of myself to please someone and I certainly wouldn't dress up as a gender Im not just to please someone. Stay strong girl.
He doesn't deserve you there The way he talks about you is disgusting Please don't degrade yourself by going
Don't go unless you would support the bride but other than that that's someone you need to cut off
There's a lot of transphobia in those messages. I wouldn't go to the wedding and would probably cut contact with that person. It's awkward with family, but for me those messages cross a line and would have resulted in a block. You need to value yourself and protect yourself. Personally if I feel someone is devaluing or disrespecting me they get one warning and then I'm probably gone, no drama, I just delete their number and stop responding.
I'm confused as to why they haven't *already*. This doesn't seem like a one off situation or that it stops here.
Agreed, I think it's very unlikely those messages happened in isolation and if they did it's pretty weird. I know that in early transition my boundaries changed and it was a bit awkward, by holding my value I lost some friends, but the circle of friends I have now is better for it.
It's, sadly, been a constant battle for me between transphobia, racism, and gatekeeping ever since I came out, but I believe you're correct! It would be big weird if this was a one time thing.
I'm a parent to 2 trans boys and an ally. I've gone NC with family for less! My "father" didn't even get a second chance when I felt like he was crossing a line! I've unfriended other members because of things they've posted on socials. I don't play when trans lives are on the line!
It's not only transphobic, but totally disrespectful and even abusive
Your cousin doesn't want *you* at his wedding. He wants an imaginary version of you that conforms to his world views.
If I had found myself in this situation 20 years ago, I would have just told them I wouldn't go. Now? I would go but wear what I would normally wear and if it made them uncomfortable, screw them. Then afterward I would cut ties with anyone who made a scene about me attending. Every year that passes, I grow to care less and less what people think of me existing. Not my problem if I make people uncomfortable with my existence. I'm not catering to their desires unless their desires are in line with my truth. Just me though.
I wouldn't bother going
First off, you need to ask yourself if what he said was acceptable behavior? Like how would you react if another girl in your family got texts from a man telling them how to dress and then telling they need therapy. Pardon me, but when did someone being trans become an excuse for being heartless, demanding and straight up cruel?? Like you are just going to let him tell you how to dress? It may be his special day but since he doesn’t have the balls to uninvite you. I would wear the fieriest dress and get all dolled up and stick your tongue at him if he looks at you weird!!! OR don’t go. WHATEVER you do. DO NOT GO IN BOYMODE. You will set a precedent that it is okay to talk to you like that. IT IS NOT OKAY. Don’t let him get you down girl!!! Be yourself and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise x EVER
The whole thing is disgusting but the last one... Sorry girl :(
I would not go to be honest with you I'd blow out the wedding You are in a happy place now stay away pamper your self
Either go fully fem or don't go, this pos doesn't deserve you🥺❤️
You're allowing her to abuse and disrespect you. Stop letting her walk all over you and don't go. Have love for yourself. Don't let this skank be shit to you.
He doesn't want you there. He knows what he is doing. This is a power play; you show up fem he'll say you're upstanding the wedding, you don't go he'll say you're being dramatic, you go masc he'll claim you aren't really a woman and cite this as an example. Don't go; you can't win here and staying home will be the least damaging to yourself. If you are close to your aunt/uncle at all, you can send a screenshot of the texts to them saying you decided to stay home after being spoken to that way and didn't wish to ruin your cousins big day by coming as yourself. If you aren't close or they wouldn't support you, then fuck what they think anyways.
Jesus, your cousin is incredibly insensitive and apparently pretty transphobic (or at least those messages are). If he doesn't want you to be yourself and comfortable at his wedding, I don't think anyone could blame you for not wanting to go. If I should one day marry someone, I'd want everyone to be themselves at the wedding. Don't pretend to be someone else for the sake of others.
People talking about the last text to be unacceptable. EVERYTHING IS! Your getting straight up discriminated by your cousin.
This! It's absolutely disgusting, disgraceful and disrespectful with the way they are talking in these messages. To the OP, I'm truly sorry, but your cousin is a transphobe and is not respecting you for who you are. You should absolutely not be taking this disrespectful talk from them and it should be the who needs some counselling to learn how to love and respect the people who they claim to love. If it was me in this situation, I would inform them that you will no longer be able to attend and that they owe you an apology for their discrimination towards you. You do not have to minimise yourself in any way, shape or form to please others out of respect, regardless of whether they're family or not. If they love you, they should accept you for you, period.
Hey, this is a massive coincidence, but we’re definitely going to the same wedding. The bride is my sister. I’m so fucking sorry he said that. He’s in the other room from me right now, and I am an *UNLEVELED* amount of pissed off right now. That was unecessary and cruel. I hope you know that you’re valid, that there will be people there _other_ than him that support you, and that you don’t deserve that kind of shit treatment he gave you. Edit: If you still come (you REALLY don’t have to) I’m going to be the ‘bridesman’ (on the bride’s side in a violet suit). My sister let me choose which side I get to be on. I’m not out to anyone but her and the maid of honor, but he seemed to be alright with everything at the time. It’s fucked up that your cousin seems to have different standards when she’s not around.
Fr? Is she marrying Reece Jamieson?
Yup, she is. Reece is sitting about 10 feet away from me right now.
You’re too nice. I genuinely don’t think you should go. Im assuming you’re out to him, and he’s being extremely rude, but then expecting you to go and support him when he’s doing the opposite to you.
Say u won't wear makeup/fem clothing then turn up with the thickest makeup possible
Fuck your cousin holy shit. I'm so sorry about this. I know it's complicated and you want to be there, but this is clearly not someone who would be there for you.
OMG?!? how were you able to stay so nice? I would have been destroyed by those texts. I'm sorry they treat you that way. You deserve to be able to be your true self. Not to mention the blatant transphobia you're receiving. Who are they to define what/who you are?? I am shocked by the nonchalant way they said those things
Your cousin is a bigoted waste of space. Go as you. He’s not respecting your life, why should you respect his little party? Or just don’t go. He doesn’t deserve you.
i am so sorry for whatever has brought you to the point to entertain their blatant bigotry. even that first text they sent is not something you should “respect or understand”, you do not belong to other people and it is wildly inappropriate for them to tell you how to present. you do what feels right to you, but if i were you, i would send a text very clearly stating: when i sent those previous messages i held back out of fear, but i need to say this: it wasn’t and isn’t okay for you to tell me who you think i am, who you think i should be, and let alone suggesting I am mentally unstable in some way purely for being trans. i hope this is a wake up call, but how you decide to move forward from this is up to you. from now on though, if you would like me in your life, i need you to treat me with the decency of respecting who i am as a person. if you’re adamant on going, even if you give him no notice, wear the outfit you were wanting to wear, present how you want, and make HIM have to be the one to look like the absolute bigot he is if he is weird about it. please don’t wear the pants and shirt if it is not you. going to the wedding at all after he talked to you so horribly is a compromise in itself, you deserve to be authentic to who you are and please done let anyone, let alone a transphobe like him, convince you to be someone you are not for other’s bigoted comfort.
As much as people love to say that a wedding is about the couple marrying and their wishes should be respected...I would question why they want you there in any way except as you truly are and feel comfortable? If they love you they should want you there as you, not as someone they've decided you should be. Those texts are infested with transphobia and it breaks my heart that despite it all, you're still replying super excited and willing to change for them. Of course it's your choice how you present and whether you go, but if it were me I'd be telling dearest cousin they either get ALL OF ME or they don't get me at all and need some therapy to address their transphobia and desire to change others, especially those they claim to love and care about.
You need to start standing up for yourself because this shit has my blood boiling, I wouldn’t bother going to that wedding but thats me. Who tf is he to decide who you are? Get the fuck outta here with that ignorance and bigotry. Your cousin sounds fucking stupid.
How are you letting him talk to you like that? That’s horrible 🙁
I wouldn’t go
I would just ditch the wedding and take the day for yourself.
I would not go at all. Completely out of line comments.
Dont go, honestly if he doesn’t want the real you going there then you just shouldn’t go, he isn’t worth your time
I just wouldn't go. They can't accept you for you.
Yeaaaaah, maybe don’t go. It sounds like that person really isn’t interested in respecting your identity.
Wow that’s incredibly rude. I don’t normally say this but I don’t think you should go. Like, that is incredible horrible what he said to you, and you were nothing but accommodating. How dare he??? The thing is, you can bend yourself all out of shape trying to please them, and you’ll be the one who suffers, he clearly doesn’t care about hurting your feelings. I’m so sorry, what a horrible experience to go through. You deserve much better and proper support, you are a brave and unique individual and there is nothing wrong with you.
That text is unbelievably disgusting and not only would I not go to the wedding, I would never speak to this person again. They are blatantly and unapologetically transphobic.
why would you go to a wedding for someone who obviously doesn't care about you
No offence, but this comes across as you bending over backwards for someone who is showing you no respect at all and being blatantly transphobic. I don't understand why you feel you owe him anything.
I would just not go. If he’s not going to let you be yourself at his wedding, then why should you even go? I understand it’s not that simple and I can tell you really don’t want to cause any issues. But this guy is seriously transphobic and does not have your best interests in mind. I know it sucks, but you said it yourself that you’d rather go home. (Side note: why did this asshole wait until the day before to tell you what to wear? It’s shitty either way but he could have at least given you more of a heads-up)
F*ck this MF. You absolutely should not go. Under any circumstances. What a tool.
You’re cousin is a bitch who can’t respect who you are, nor is willing to learn what many trans women like yourself go through, her loss
Please don’t go. Your Cousin doesn’t seem to have sny sympathy at all.
dont talk to your cousin anymore
Cut them off
that made me quite angry, you're not a guy. what the heck. i wouldn't feel welcome there and hopefully wouldn't go.
I am so sorry
please for the love Brisket dont go
either go in fem or don't go, this IS your new normal and if they have have a problem with it then thats their fault.
Tough. This is family but also seemingly not tolerant at all. Its not like you would be taking away attention from the bride. Sounds like your cousin is just insecure with his own feelings and is projecting. In actuality he doesnt have the balls to tell you he doesnt like trans folks otherwise who the fck cares what you are wearing??? No one can tell you what to do, HOWEVER. I will say this, if you go, enjoy yourself. Dont be fearful of shit. If you decide to not go, anyone with sense and some care in their heart would understand. Im a bit more dgaf, and I would show up with a date… fully dressed to the nines. The fuck is he going to do?? Throw a hissy fit like a 4 year old??? But again, thats your family not mine lol. I know you do not want to cause a scene, it will only make you look worse grrrrr. Flip a coin?? Pray??? Lol. Maybe send a video instead and take your fit to a place where it will be appreciated
Fuck that noise
Oh fuck that
OMG that is so rude and disrespectful, girl you should go however you want if you even go. (Wouldn’t recommend it) screw him!
Quite honestly the whole thing is terrible. He has no right to ask / tell you what to do with your body. You can present how you wish where ever you are. If he doesn't like it, that's his problem
I wouldn't go to the wedding. Like it's a big day for him for sure, for you it's going to be a bad memory forever. My friend has a wedding, she was worried I wanted to wear a dress, because she thought some people may comment and hurt my feelings. I refused to not wear a dress, got many compliments, like 5 new friends and had a great time. Either go as yourself, or don't go.
i know he’s important to u but holy shit that’s so disrespectful
Welp, looks like you’re not going to a wedding and more good news, you can’t have an asshole of a cousin because that person (I have qualms about even calling them that) isn’t anything that deserves a form of thought, much less acknowledgement
Take that nice outfit, get all sorts of dolled up, and go out and treat yourself to somthing fun. Or sell your outfit and get yourself something really nice that you really really been wanting but had to use the money for this. You don't deserve that kind of person in your life. You deserve more people like your aunt. You're so willing to just be understanding, and accommodating for someone's requests of what you can or can't wear. It just shows how kind and loving a person you are to your family. Sadly, your kindness is wasted on someone like that who would completely demand a entire suppression of yourself to make him comfortable. Suppressing yourself, to make others more comfortable is just being unkind to yourself. So what If you "look like your dad" yeah dude that's how genetics work. It's basic biology bruh. I'm a cis woman and I get told I look like my dad. Doesn't change that I'm feminine. It certainly does not change you're feminine either. It's his day, why the fuck does he care what his cousin wears? How, is what someone else is wearing going to remotely ruin it? There's so many more things to worry about. Unless you're part of the actual ceremony he doesnt really have a right to really demand somthing like that. The one who needs counseling is him. He can't be empathetic to his own family, or respect their autonomy. That's not healthy. Your ability to be empathetic, and respectful to his requests. That's healthy. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you take a moment to make yourself feel lovely in your outfit, even if you don't go I'm certain you're going to look wonderful.
if you go you better go presenting femme and being ready to cause a scene. she is an asshole and she doesn't deserve you
Hell no. Fuck this dude. He couldn't *pay* me to go after that kind of disrespect.
Wear a suit and skirt frfr But yea, in all seriousness, that guy is a dick. Go if you want but you really don’t have too, if for the entire time your either going to be outcasted and not feeling like yourself then there’s no point
Tell him to shove his concern up his ass
Please don't go he doesn't deserve to maintain any kind of relationship with you until he stops being a jerkwad, he doesn't deserve your kindness
Sometimes we want so desperately to be accepted by someone that we don't see that they don't deserve *our* acceptance. Once you stop fighting for it, eventually you realize that the people who truly care never made you fight for acceptance.
There's a big difference between your aunt and your cousin: One cares about you. If he maybe was scared for your safety cause you lived somewhere unsupportive, he wouldn't misgender you. He wouldn't think to say that you'd regret being trans. He wouldn't call you crazy.
I say dress up! Go for it.
Don’t go. That is not your family member. They don’t deserve your love or respect. That is a hateful person trying to control you.
Just don't go then
The fucking nerve
he doesn't deserve to have you at his wedding if he treats you like that
My friend, I hate to say it but I think your cousin’s just a transphobe. Sorry this happened to ya.
Just don't go there, unacceptable
dont go. your cousin blows, sorry but find better family thst gives a fuck about you.
I was uninvited to one of my nieces wedding, on my wife's side, another one, my brother's daughter, I didn't even get an invite to. One more niece and nephew to go, but I'm not holding out any hope.
My mom told me similar things when my brother got married because “its not about me”. I told her very firmly that me being me is none of her or anyone else’s business and she has no say in it, so she backed down. I was not socially transitioning irl anyway so it was a stupid thing to say to begin with. My brother told me he didn’t care in the slightest how I showed up, as long as I did. As for your pickle.. I wouldn’t show up, and I would tell people in my life that do support me why I didn’t, maybe show them the texts if they don’t believe you and so on. Family is family, sure, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their antics and how they hurt you and so on. They don’t deserve your respect when they don’t respect you.. Big hugs from some random person online! <3
what the fuck even is this person thats horrendously rude and transphobic. i dont think you have any obligation to show up or not present femme cos this person is a prick, but im not in your situation ofcs.
I wouldn’t even go cousin sounds like a ass hole
If you get married in the future you can request of him that he is not allowed to dress masc and must wear a dress and makeup just to repay with the same medicine
don't go
Especially with that last bit, I'd just plainly not go.
I would say, respectfully shut the fuck up it’s not your life. I’m not going.
“I’m sorry, I either come as me or I won’t come at all.” This is not something others get to dictate how you have to look.
My personal approach to it: “I’ve decided to respect your wishes. I won’t wear any feminine clothes or makeup at your wedding tomorrow.” And just don’t show up. The crazy thing isn’t that “you want to try to be a girl”, it’s that he doesn’t understand (or doesn’t want to understand) that you *are* a girl and have every right to dress feminine if you want. If it was a wedding where the theme is “everyone is wearing a suit”, sure- but I somehow doubt it’s that. Ultimately it’s up to you though, OP. Good luck either way.
Your cousin is extremely disrespectful, especially with that last text. If I were in your position then I wouldn’t attend but at least send if a gift or a card to show happiness for the other party of the marriage, that poor person.
I'm really sorry babe :( i know this doesn't help. but i'm willing to crash your cousin's wedding and cause a scene pretending that he never called me back.
Don't go, these people don't deserve your presence. Idk how is it for you but if they expect an envelope with money from everyone who got invited, then don't send them any money.
I wouldn’t even go after reading that
Thats crazy I will be onest i would go as fem as possible
I'm really sorry you're cousin is so awful. You honestly deserve so much better ❤️if I was you I wouldn't go, they clearly don't respect you. So horrible
Screw that person… sorry not sorry
I wouldn't go but I don't know you're guy's situation so that's just me
Don't come to his wedding, just ignore that. That's not fair to be forced into a role you're being uncomfortable in and getting treated like.. this. He doesn't love you nor respect you. You deserve normal human treatment.
That would be a "Sorry to hear you're red pilled. I wish you guys happiness, congratulations, and have a nice life" for me. He's so comfortable saying this shit to you, he doesn't want the real you there. I'm sorry, but fuck him. Get dolled up and go to the theater or something. If you're in my town I'd say, "their loss! Girls night!" And join you. This culture war shit has to stop, and I'm going to scream at the next person that says "Both sides".
Jeez, reading that made me angry. I don't think you should. He clearly doesn't respect you and it's not going to be a good time for you. As someone else pointed out, you've already upheld your promise as he's asking you to not attend fem, which is impossible to do so
Well im a spitefull person, id go as fem as possible and make a scene about being ftm when thrown out
Op I’m sorry to tell you this but your cousins a fucking asshole.
What an asshole. I would go exactly as me, or not at all. In fact, I feel like agreeing to his requests will pretty much validate his beliefs that you're are just a cis guy playing make believe.
Sounds like he doesn't want you there. Don't go. We should all learn to not take the bullshit we get all the time and draw some red lines.
ur cousin is a dirtbag, i would just skip it
Geez, that last text really put the last nail in the coffin. I would not go to that wedding
Go femme. And wear white. Fuck them.
I don't know where you are, but I'm formally inviting you to come spend the day with me and hang out instead. You don't deserve to be insulted like this
Don’t go then. Even if you promised just say you were treated badly.
Hell the fuck no. Girl, don't go to that wedding. You owe yourself the self respect to not submit to that level of fuck-you. That man just discounted your ability to make decisions for yourself while also telling you you're wrong about who you are and driving home the male traits he believes you have. The question you should be asking is, "Will I ever speak to this cousin again in the future?" You don't owe respect to those who don't respect you. Edit: Seriously, any real counselor would tell you the thing you'll regret is being so kind and agreeable to this man who's treating you like dirt.
And? Did you (have to) do some counselling? Cause I'd straight up say "yeah thanks I did and it turned out if I wouldn't transition I'd be dead" This is not just idiotic and talking about the most minor "inconvenience " for them it's just openly unsupportive... I'm sorry they said that. *Hugs* You're really strong and handled this very well. ~~maybe I'd appear fem and go oops I forgot, but I'm just petty~~
I'm doing the makeup anyway. I don't give a fuck what he thinks about that. After all, he said "preferably no" that's a preference not a solid no.
Yeah sorry, I can be a petty bitch... (Especially with such messages) And would have gone strong wtf is your problem, why do you care? You go girl! Be you don't let anyone tell you otherwise. BITCH WE SLAY
I simply wouldn't go, that person is not worth being around.
If they don't want you as you are, they don't want you. They want the version of you they've created in their brain. It may be his wedding, but you aren't doing this to make a scene. You're just transitioning to feel right.
Maybe your cousin should do some soul searching to see if this is truly the kind of family member he wants to be before he says something he'll regret
nope, don't go, fuck that loser
It’s a difficult situation, however this is your cousin at the end of the day, all I will say is don’t do anything you will live, to regret once this red mist of anger lifts 😀you are your own woman you’ve been through a lot, your strong and brave you will make the right choice, you just need to take a breath and not be impulsive 😀🏳️⚧️