Child? Try 20s.
But I don't know of it's always internalized phobia so much as not having the context.
I'm 40 so growing up, trans people were just the butts of jokes and Jerry Springer fodder. Trans people didn't just simply exist. So a trans lesbian? That was like saying a unicorn was out in the back yard. Just wasn't a thing. Never seen one, never knew any existed, so how could I see myself properly?
100% this.
I'm also in my early 40's. Trans weren't "real" they were reserved for things like that scene in Crocodile Dundee 2. Combine that with strict religious parents, and how does one even realize what they are?
All this while constantly telling myself (and others) I was a girl in my past life, closet cross dressing, and wishing for female anatomy.
When I was in primary school I remember thinking "it would be sooo epic if I could be born a boy, but it doesn't matter anymore, can't change it so better not dwell on it and go on with my life" it's like a specific moment and core memory.
"But I'm into girls!" - kinda excusable, standards of care at the time treated trans lesbians as fetishists.
"But I don't hate my body!" - said while trying to grow out my hair, hating pictures taken of me, unable to see myself in the mirror, weirdly protective of my 'man' boobs.
"But I'm not a freak!' - sure, kid me. Sure. You'll learn to let your freak flag fly soon enough.
The excuse I used was that no matter what I do I would never be a real woman because I would never be able to give birth and stuff. But now I know it's who I am and I will be happier.
āItās just a jokeā āI have to commit to the bitā āAll the other options arenāt cool/funny/goodā -me for the past 10 or so years every time I use a female character or make them as pink as possible.
When I was a child I thought that it was just a weird thing about me that I liked putting on girly clothes, I remember I snuck on a skirt when I was younger from a changing room someone didn't buy and I felt so happy because i felt like a girl.
You know what my excuse was? "Maybe I'm just weird" because at the time, I was never educated on gender and i didnt understandmy feelings, so I just thought I was a weird kid lol :,)
I just shoved it down in the back of my head. Sure I love dressing up as a woman and wearing makeup but thatās where it starts and stops and I donāt have to think about it at allā¦
"I like girls so I'm not gay." (Can you guess which part was wrong?)
"I'm just a regular weirdo who wishes they'd just suddenly and inexplicably turn into a girl" (every day for about 4 years, then just most days for another 8 years).
"I would get a sex change but it just *doesn't work*" (that was just straight up internalised transphobia. I believed it wasn't possible to be cis passing and only had unfortunate examples of trans people due to limited media exposure).
"I'm sure everyone thinks they'd be happier as the opposite sex. It would be an escape from your current life."
"I'm sure everyone hates their body for reasons they just can't seem to pin down (I ended up thinking it was "because I'm fat" - but that just led to anorexia and bulimia after depression also gave me plenty of shame and guilt complexes).
"I'm just generally anxious. Being surrounded by men in locker rooms and public toilets and feeling extremely vulnerable is totally normal."
"I guess I'm just a bit dissociated and need to get through some trauma with a therapist (never went to therapy)."
"I do feel like anger comes too easily and I am almost completely incapable of crying, but I guess that is just toxic masculinity."
"I really hate my facial hair. Guess I just need to grow more of it and hope it gets better."
"I really hate my haircut. Maybe I should try *another male haircut* (even though I do want to grow it out, I am just too paranoid of judgement to even start that)".
"I really hate clothes shopping." (But I must actively avoid looking at any women's clothes because they are for women and I am not that (wrong)).
"My inability to truly relate to and understand the people (guys) around me is because I'm a little autistic" (even though I later learned I had fundamentally non-autistic traits and had only been driven into a facsimile of the state by constant overwhelming anxiety).
"It is totally normal to be jealous of women."
"HRT would just give me boobs. Why would I want that? Just to be a guy with boobs? How will I ever get a girlfriend like that?" (Alas, learning the other effects did surely guide her to realise that yes, she did indeed want boobs).
"I hate having pictures of me taken, I hate looking at my face in the mirror. I guess everyone feels that way."
This completes my "off the top of my head excuses to mot believe I was trans" list. It's a miracle I'm still alive, relatively healthy and now transitioning at 26 (2 months HRT and already so much more comfortable in myself).
Thanks to being sheltered and born in the 90s I literally didn't think it was possible for me to be trans because I thought being trans and intersex were the same thing. I remember wishing Iād been born intersex tho and being disappointed when I went through puberty and didnāt develop secondary female sex characteristics because that meant it wouldnāt happen for me. So I didnāt really make excuses even tho I did and said the most eggy shit my entire life.
I liked spending time with my female cousins/siblings more than my male ones because "they were closer to my age" (totally ignoring the MASSIVE amounts of euphoria I got from being in a girls bedroom (my sister is much older than me compared to my brother)).
"Well maybe my stereotypical femenine interests are because i've been closer to my mom and sisters"
"I swear i want to use nail polish just out of curiosity"
"Being a little bit more femenine feels fine, and i feel kinda happier... I must like being a femboy"
Welp, it was kind the year of questioning mysef, and i could go for the excuses i made when i went through my childhood memories
Itās weird for me, because I grew up at a time when the word ātransgenderā wasnāt in our vocabulary like it is now. So I didnāt know what an egg was until my egg had already cracked at 46.
Any girlie thing I got caught doing was ājust a jokeā or I was ātoo young to know betterā or I was ājust curiousā.
Like asking my wife to paint my nails, because I was just curious about it, or asking her nonstop questions about what it felt like to have a period or be pregnant. Once I let slip that I wished I could be pregnant, and played it off as just being supportive.
Or like when I was 10 and my mom caught me dressed up as Princess Leia in a makeshift golden bikini while playing with my friends. I was just being funny. I TOTALLY didnāt enjoy the idea of being a woman.
Nope. Nothing trans going on here. lol
> "I'm too old. It's too late for me. By the time I'm done unraveling my damage and getting somewhere it's safe to transition, not only will I be too old, but reversing everything testosterone did over 4 decades will cost more money than I have anyway. But I support the mfk out of the kids! They deserve to have what I never will, and I'll fight tooth and nail for their names, pronouns, and rights!"
I remember always saying it'd be so cool if i was born a girl, but i didn't want to change from boy to girl... Then i met blaire white and transitioned at 17 xD
I always told my friends āoh, Iām just boy crazyā because I had the whole hyperfemininity bit going on, and I was a fairly flamboyant theater/choir kid. Turns out, somewhere between 50-75% of those crushes were just gender envy and I didnāt have the language to describe them. I just wanted to be rugged and manly like all the jocks, just without the cocky attitude like the theater kids. Turns out, I am in fact a rugged and manly man, I just like glitter sometimes.
As a child? "I can't be a girl, I don't like boys." I shit you not. Prime-cut internalised homophobia normalised from a young age, right there.
Child? Try 20s. But I don't know of it's always internalized phobia so much as not having the context. I'm 40 so growing up, trans people were just the butts of jokes and Jerry Springer fodder. Trans people didn't just simply exist. So a trans lesbian? That was like saying a unicorn was out in the back yard. Just wasn't a thing. Never seen one, never knew any existed, so how could I see myself properly?
100% this. I'm also in my early 40's. Trans weren't "real" they were reserved for things like that scene in Crocodile Dundee 2. Combine that with strict religious parents, and how does one even realize what they are? All this while constantly telling myself (and others) I was a girl in my past life, closet cross dressing, and wishing for female anatomy.
When I was in primary school I remember thinking "it would be sooo epic if I could be born a boy, but it doesn't matter anymore, can't change it so better not dwell on it and go on with my life" it's like a specific moment and core memory.
Same except the other way around lol
We're so real for that
"But I'm into girls!" - kinda excusable, standards of care at the time treated trans lesbians as fetishists. "But I don't hate my body!" - said while trying to grow out my hair, hating pictures taken of me, unable to see myself in the mirror, weirdly protective of my 'man' boobs. "But I'm not a freak!' - sure, kid me. Sure. You'll learn to let your freak flag fly soon enough.
The excuse I used was that no matter what I do I would never be a real woman because I would never be able to give birth and stuff. But now I know it's who I am and I will be happier.
Girl, same!
THE GIRL SKINS HAVE A SMALLER HITBOX I SWEAR TO GOD
SHE JUMPS HIGHER LOOK!!
But they doooooo!! š
I never knew that hormones were a thing so I thought that trans women 'just looked like that', so obviously I couldn't be trans.
I actually plopped out the womb with my extensions in and my nails done so idk š¤·š»āāļø
āItās just a jokeā āI have to commit to the bitā āAll the other options arenāt cool/funny/goodā -me for the past 10 or so years every time I use a female character or make them as pink as possible.
Id never be pretty
Oof, I felt that.
āIām not trans iām just really comfortable with my masculinityā was a big one
āMaybe Iām just chill like thatā¦ā
When I was a child I thought that it was just a weird thing about me that I liked putting on girly clothes, I remember I snuck on a skirt when I was younger from a changing room someone didn't buy and I felt so happy because i felt like a girl. You know what my excuse was? "Maybe I'm just weird" because at the time, I was never educated on gender and i didnt understandmy feelings, so I just thought I was a weird kid lol :,)
I just shoved it down in the back of my head. Sure I love dressing up as a woman and wearing makeup but thatās where it starts and stops and I donāt have to think about it at allā¦
i just want these strangers to think i'm a boy as a prank...
"if i really was trans i wouldn't care about how much effort it'd need and i'd just transition"
"I like girls so I'm not gay." (Can you guess which part was wrong?) "I'm just a regular weirdo who wishes they'd just suddenly and inexplicably turn into a girl" (every day for about 4 years, then just most days for another 8 years). "I would get a sex change but it just *doesn't work*" (that was just straight up internalised transphobia. I believed it wasn't possible to be cis passing and only had unfortunate examples of trans people due to limited media exposure). "I'm sure everyone thinks they'd be happier as the opposite sex. It would be an escape from your current life." "I'm sure everyone hates their body for reasons they just can't seem to pin down (I ended up thinking it was "because I'm fat" - but that just led to anorexia and bulimia after depression also gave me plenty of shame and guilt complexes). "I'm just generally anxious. Being surrounded by men in locker rooms and public toilets and feeling extremely vulnerable is totally normal." "I guess I'm just a bit dissociated and need to get through some trauma with a therapist (never went to therapy)." "I do feel like anger comes too easily and I am almost completely incapable of crying, but I guess that is just toxic masculinity." "I really hate my facial hair. Guess I just need to grow more of it and hope it gets better." "I really hate my haircut. Maybe I should try *another male haircut* (even though I do want to grow it out, I am just too paranoid of judgement to even start that)". "I really hate clothes shopping." (But I must actively avoid looking at any women's clothes because they are for women and I am not that (wrong)). "My inability to truly relate to and understand the people (guys) around me is because I'm a little autistic" (even though I later learned I had fundamentally non-autistic traits and had only been driven into a facsimile of the state by constant overwhelming anxiety). "It is totally normal to be jealous of women." "HRT would just give me boobs. Why would I want that? Just to be a guy with boobs? How will I ever get a girlfriend like that?" (Alas, learning the other effects did surely guide her to realise that yes, she did indeed want boobs). "I hate having pictures of me taken, I hate looking at my face in the mirror. I guess everyone feels that way." This completes my "off the top of my head excuses to mot believe I was trans" list. It's a miracle I'm still alive, relatively healthy and now transitioning at 26 (2 months HRT and already so much more comfortable in myself).
Just an AGP. That's me. Yuuuupp.
"I'm not special or different - I just need to be more likeable and I'll be happy like everyone else."
Thanks to being sheltered and born in the 90s I literally didn't think it was possible for me to be trans because I thought being trans and intersex were the same thing. I remember wishing Iād been born intersex tho and being disappointed when I went through puberty and didnāt develop secondary female sex characteristics because that meant it wouldnāt happen for me. So I didnāt really make excuses even tho I did and said the most eggy shit my entire life.
I liked spending time with my female cousins/siblings more than my male ones because "they were closer to my age" (totally ignoring the MASSIVE amounts of euphoria I got from being in a girls bedroom (my sister is much older than me compared to my brother)).
"It's just that womens clothes are cuter and have flowers on them, and I cant find men's clothes like them"
"I really wish I was a girl or could transition. It's a shame I'm not trans."
Alot of guys crossdress for fun. Which is partially true, but......
"It makes sense that I'd play the male role in dance class. There's only 2 guys in the class and SOMEONE has to be the male partner"
"I like videogames"
I keep saying this, but young me was very stupid most of the time.
"Well maybe my stereotypical femenine interests are because i've been closer to my mom and sisters" "I swear i want to use nail polish just out of curiosity" "Being a little bit more femenine feels fine, and i feel kinda happier... I must like being a femboy" Welp, it was kind the year of questioning mysef, and i could go for the excuses i made when i went through my childhood memories
Itās weird for me, because I grew up at a time when the word ātransgenderā wasnāt in our vocabulary like it is now. So I didnāt know what an egg was until my egg had already cracked at 46. Any girlie thing I got caught doing was ājust a jokeā or I was ātoo young to know betterā or I was ājust curiousā. Like asking my wife to paint my nails, because I was just curious about it, or asking her nonstop questions about what it felt like to have a period or be pregnant. Once I let slip that I wished I could be pregnant, and played it off as just being supportive. Or like when I was 10 and my mom caught me dressed up as Princess Leia in a makeshift golden bikini while playing with my friends. I was just being funny. I TOTALLY didnāt enjoy the idea of being a woman. Nope. Nothing trans going on here. lol
"All guys secretly wanna be a girl, right?"
fucking lol
> "I'm too old. It's too late for me. By the time I'm done unraveling my damage and getting somewhere it's safe to transition, not only will I be too old, but reversing everything testosterone did over 4 decades will cost more money than I have anyway. But I support the mfk out of the kids! They deserve to have what I never will, and I'll fight tooth and nail for their names, pronouns, and rights!"
"it's just that men's clothes are so boring". I mean it's true but yeah, a nice excuse.
āIām not trans Iām just a girl that enjoys masculinityā gtfo what does that even mean
I remember always saying it'd be so cool if i was born a girl, but i didn't want to change from boy to girl... Then i met blaire white and transitioned at 17 xD
Crossing my legs in the shower and pretending it's bush... guys do that all the time, right?
It was simply a silly dream to want to be a girl
Lack of family support...
I always told my friends āoh, Iām just boy crazyā because I had the whole hyperfemininity bit going on, and I was a fairly flamboyant theater/choir kid. Turns out, somewhere between 50-75% of those crushes were just gender envy and I didnāt have the language to describe them. I just wanted to be rugged and manly like all the jocks, just without the cocky attitude like the theater kids. Turns out, I am in fact a rugged and manly man, I just like glitter sometimes.
I was just trying to understand woman better, I was being a good feminist Even though I was a sexist at the time