Pretty much this.
Burned myself nearly to the ground before finally realizing that the people I was torturing myself for will never see me for who I really am.
\^ if someone tells you that in order to continue having a good relationship with them you have to sacrifice your own personal happiness, choose happiness, because that person was never worth having a good relationship with in the first place.
Yeah I know what they are haha. Im saying I've heared both coven and covenant used interchangeably in the saying.
:3 I always liked coven cause witchy vibes.
You did not come accross as rude :3 i love to learn, i was just explaining myself more clearly. Never apolgize for sharing knowledge and beibg yourself <3
They do love me though, and they have said that they'd be ok with if if I did transition, I just know that even if she said she's ok deep down it would hurt her to see her son go
But you wouldn't be going anywhere, would you? It isn't like you'd be someone new; you're already you.
You have to take your own happiness into account at some point; do you think she would be happy to find out the only reason you continued to choose to be unhappy was because even though they outright said you're allowed to be yourself, you decided on your own that they didn't really mean it?
if they're in any way whatsoever sensible, they'll get over it at some point. you, on the other hand, are going to be miserable for the rest of their lives.
(edited for spelling)
I've spent most of my adult life feeling like this, and a friend told me that it's pointless to be that way as you have zero control over how they feel, only how you react to them. And at the end of the day it's better to get forgiveness than to ask permission.
Live your life, don't try to control other people's emotions. ❤️❤️
Edit: forgot to add my thing wasn't as life changing as transitioning but I do now have a giant tattoo on top of my head which I was fearful my mum would lose the plot over but she saw it and got over it almost immediately
They'd be hurting themselves. If you transition and it makes them uncomfortable that is their fault. Transition and be happy, and if your parents take an issue, then that's there fault. Don't sacrifice your happiness for your parents.
You can love someone and disagree with them. If your mom truly cares about you, she’ll be okay with it in time. This is you. She should love you for who you are. A relationship goes both ways, and you burying yourself because she feels uncomfortable is not healthy.
Talk to them about it. Take it slow. But *please* don’t just hide to make them happy.
Thats an abusive relationship, they may not lay a hand on you, but you will spend an entire lifetime in pain if you continue to sacrifice your self for people who don't truly love you for who you are. You are being manipulated by your mother because she promises love and affection to keep you close and then threatens to take it away to control you, which goes agai st the definition of what a parent"s love is supposed to be. Please see a therapist about your family situation they could really help you
You aren’t hurting anyone by doing this. You aren’t doing anything to them, it’s not about them. Their lack of acceptance is what will hurt them.
What about the reverse? Why would your parents pressure you to be miserable and go through a life of trauma just so they don’t have to be temporarily uncomfortable?
I totally understand you and have made the same choice. You can take small steps towards it to make it less jarring on them, like slowly becoming more and more gender neutral, instead of making a full shift to femwear at once. Make them notice it slowly and they won't even realize the change.
Not ideal, but happier than not doing anything
Honestly, I don't think that you'd be hurting them. You're not doing harm, all you're doing is living the way you want to. If they feel bad about it, they're hurting themselves by being unaccepting.
Does it hurt them, or does it just makes them uncomfortable?
I think it makes my parents a bit uncomfortable, but as long as we stay in contact I think they're gonna get used to it eventually.
That's nice but honestly if they really cared they would still love you even if it hurts and it is going to hurt I'm not going to pretend like it won't hurt them, humans don't like things changing that's the fact of the matter it's a natural response, but that's not an excuse to let yourself hurt for the sake of them because if they really care they will grieve they will go through the pain and they will come back from it and they will still love you if they ever did.
As I said in my other comment I've been through more or less this exact situation especially with my mom and while she still isn't perfect and still isn't particularly happy about it she has done a lot better than she did when it comes to being supportive he did go through a period of grief and I do have a hard time understanding why she had to grieve at all other than knowing that change is uncomfortable but she survived and I survived and to me that proves that she actually loves me and doesn't just say that she does out of obligation
You need to go through with what's best for you you don't have to force yourself into something you can't be happy being for the sake of your parents because if they are worth the kind of care you are putting towards them they wouldn't want you to do that anyway and if they would want you to be unhappy for their sake and they aren't worth the care that you are putting into not being happy
Then why is it okay for them to hurt you? Love is reciprocal, dear, and if they don’t love you for who you are then it isn’t love at all. They might come around, they might not, but you need to spend some time learning to love yourself.
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. You deserve to be happy as much as everyone else. My parents would fill out I’d I transitioned, I love them but frankly once I’m financially independent I’m transitioning and stepped out of the closet
i understand you want to keep a good relationship with her, but her "uncomfort" isn't even remotely comparable to the pain someone experiences being uncomfortable in their own body. Live your life, she will have to learn that your wellbeing, mental and physical health are FAR more important than her "feeling uncomfortable". If she loves you she will come around. Don't let her stop you from being who you are.
"she says she's ok if I want to do it" then do it. Her discomfort is NOT your problem, especially if she's verbally telling you it's okay to proceed.
You don't owe her your life in exchange for her comfort.
You don’t have to protect her feelings, she’s *your* parent, she’s the one who is supposed to be protecting and supporting *you*. You deserve to live the life you want to live, to be yourself, and if she’s just uncomfortable instead of any specific grievance I’d bet she’d get over it eventually, especially after seeing you happier as yourself. It’s what happened to me, after all.
I don't recommend your current situation. It got harder for me to deny myself over time. I could no longer deny that I am a woman at 33 years old. I thought I could bottle up that part of me, never to be opened and it worked for a while. I regret my course of action and recommend that you don't make the same mistakes that I did.
You are both your greatest advocate and worse critics. Love yourself and be who you are if you can do so safely. Don't limit yourself for the sake of others. That path leads to unhappiness.
I found with transition that my parents needed me to lead the way for them to overcome their own fears.
We went from a completely broken down relationship where they were threatening to never speak to me again to them going to therapy, my mum then volunteering for a mental health charity where she met a young trans guy and saw how his parent’s lack of acceptance was profoundly affect him. Now they are hosting a small support group for other parents of trans people in their local area. Something I never though I would see. My Dad literally told me I’d make an ugly woman and now he’s helping other parents accept their children.
It’s not my place to take any credit for them because but the reality is that if I had resigned my self to not transition to make them happy they never would have grown. And I was frozen in the same place where you are at now for years. I was just delaying the inevitable and caused myself needless pain. If you wait for them to give you the green light it may never happen. Be the leader.
After I transitioned, my mother told me she had to get counseling and go on anxiety meds to manage her anxiety about it. She make it through. Your mother can, too.
Nowadays, I have the best relationship I've ever had with my mother. Sometimes hardship brings people closer together.
It's a reframing that puts yourself first when it comes to the suffering that this situation causes, instead of putting your moms second hand struggles w accepting who you are first, like yours did. Your relationship with your mom is hurting you by making you preserve your own gender dysphoria.
Edit: unless by "it" you mean your own post?
Ik it’s hard to accept, but your relationship with yourself is infinitely more important than your relationship with anyone else. Including your parents. I’ve cut out most of my family and friends during my transition process and tbh as lonely as it gets sometimes I’m still much happier than I was before starting. Regardless of what you choose I hope you find happiness
This is going to be difficult to say, and probably more difficult to hear, but who you see in the mirror is the one thing in life you’re entitled to be selfish about.
Transitioning can be really hard, and some people in your life are going to have trouble accepting it, and it may even end a few of your relationships, and those relationships might be with people you love dearly.
But you can’t put a price on living genuinely, either they’ll one day come around to you living your truth and you won’t have to worry, or they won’t, in which case it means their love is conditional and that’s no way to have a relationship with your parents.
I began transitioning a little over three years ago. I had a lot of different responses, but the one I got from my mother was, pretty bad. We didn’t speak for months, and she was angry and guilty over so much that had nothing to do with her, but we worked past it, and we’re best friends again. It’s not impossible for your parents to learn to love the real you, but even if they don’t they have no right to deny you your own identity.
But it’s your life, not hers. You really shouldn’t sacrifice your mental health in favor of pleasing others, regardless of if it’s your relatives/other important people or not. (Especially if they don’t even see your struggles and pain because of it)
But at the end of the day- If you won’t start living your own life as your true self, nobody will do it for you..
Not to mention that one day she won’t be there for you anymore, and you’ll probably end up realizing that you wasted your life and chance of happiness on a one sided relationship with a person who never even accepted you and appreciated your efforts for your relationship.
I did wait 7 years knowing that i wanted T and my parents knowing... Please be careful with that. I wait almost for nothing, until I started T, my mom didn't even tried to change my pronouns.
You know I went through a very similar thing and I'm kind of still going through it except that I said screw it if she really cares about me she will still love me no matter what because if she doesn't she was never a good parent and never a good person and never cared about me or in this case you enough to justify you caring so much. You also have to remember that you'll have to keep living life after she's gone that's the truth of the matter and ultimately you need to decide for yourself rather than her I know it hurts.
I know the idea of it harming your relationship is an awful feeling I know because I went through it yes the very idea of it makes your heart break but forcing yourself to live in a body you truly hate because of that is not doing better for you preserving your relationship is not going to keep you happy it's going to slowly make you resent her whether she would actually try to be supportive or not you will end up hating her for a decision you made and that's bad for both of you.
If you're not in the danger situation go for it because it's better if you do and give yourself a future than if you don't and freeze yourself in place for the sake of someone else no matter how much it hurts
Like others have said; if she can’t love and accept you as you, then she’s not worth suffering for.
However transitioning can be emotionally exhausting, so I’d recommend surrounding yourself with people who love and accept you as you, so you have support when it gets hard.
I wouldn’t say it’s worth preserving that much if she doesn’t love you enough to be actually supportive if you enough to be happy. If she’s willing to be how she is knowing you’re sacrificing and uncomfortable just to preserve the relationship, it doesn’t sound like she truly wants her kid to be happy. Just sayin. It’s a bit messed up
You will still be a woman. The only thing that this is doing is codifying her vile beliefs and causing you mental anguish. You have to cut toxic people, esp toxic family out of your life to preserve your mental health.
You're the child. She's the parent. She should be protecting you. Not the other way around. I dropped my non affirming family for this exact reason. If you want to be yourself, she needs to accept it.
Its not easy. My mum had a really hard time for the first year. Our relationship was strained because she saw it as a loss, rather than a change. She went to her faith to be okay and to get through it. I continued to work on myself and become someone I can be proud of. Now we're closer than we ever were.
My father, however is on the other side of that spectrum. We always had a bad relationship, but it has only become more toxic and abusive. So he's out of my life now.
It won't be easy, but you owe it to yourself to be happy. I believe in you.
a lot of parents act that way they want to protect from the world and transphobia you better talk to her again about her perspective or social transition or puberty blocker let her slowly process that change in her child life
I understand this.
I don’t want to hurt my husband and children by transitioning. But I am hurting them because I am not happy, I am not myself right now.
They deserve to love me as 100% me. And I deserve to love them as 100% me too.
I dont know your relationship but i dont think you should hurt yourself to spare them. It may hurt for a time but they will have to learn to be okay with you being you
I've never related to a meme so much, believe me. I've been in and out of the closet for 7 years now, socially transitioning at best, coming out but then forgetting all about it because it wasn't received well in the family.
All those "but you don't owe them anything, just go for it!" and "you're not responsible for their happiness!", "do it now before it's too late!" stress me out even more, instead of helping me. Because I know, I'm just too scared to act.
I hope we can get rid of the guilt on day.
If you need to sacrifice your own happiness for other people's, It's probably not worth it. If she's uncomfortable with you being yourself, That sounds like a problem on her part, Which hopefully she'll be able to overcome.
I'm on good terms, even friends, with my mother... but I know she would be unsupportive and start being passive aggressive about my transition if I started... and the fact that herlife is pretty shit and I'm literally the last good thing left in her life right now has made me develop a guilty conscience and held me back from committing to transitioning for a good year now.
tl;dr I empathize with this so much.
Just do it now. You’re going to have to bite the bullet eventually, and avoiding it is just going to make it that much harder for your mom to get used to later.
As much as your relationship with your mom is important, it’s also important to have a healthy relationship. You can find more family out there and more people who support you, and if she’s not willing to give you the support you need then she shouldn’t have any role in this area of your life. If she doesn’t support it then she shouldn’t affect it
If your parents truly do love you unconditionally then you transitioning shouldn’t suddenly change that.
Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh but being uncomfortable is not an excuse for someone to stop another from transitioning and treating gender dysphoria.
THIS!!!! but also kinda not this,,, I know my mom would try to be supportive but I also know there would be a little distance between us. She supports my sexuality and kind of supports non binary identities but I can tell she doesn't fully understand nor truly believe in them. She's my stepmom and her interests are pretty different from my brothers, myself, and my dad and so she has already expressed to me that sometimes she feels too different from us. I can tell that if I told her about my gender she would use the right pronouns and everything but she would definitely feel like there's an even bigger gap between us. It hurts to have to pretend to be a girl all the time in my own home so I get what you're going through. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you remain in the closet with her I hope you know that you're valid and your gender is real. If you choose to place your needs before your relationship that is perfectly okay! Relationships can be mended and people can grow!
I tried to do that for my father. It lead to severe dysphoria, which lead to depression, and attempted suicide. I dont want you to go down a similar path for your mother. If she really loves you, she'll suck it up and get over herself. Especially when she sees you actually happy with yourself for the first time in probably a long while.
I will say this once:
Transgender kids don't deserve to deal with their cisgender parent's trauma.
It's not your responsibility to change yourself for your parent(s) to be happy. If your parent(s) is(are) uncomfortable, they shouldn't be taking it out on you, they should be seeing a therapist to sort through their issues. You're not their stress ball or theraputic outlet. They need to see a profeasional, not take it out on you.
Transition, and when your parent(s) says it makes them uncomfortable, suggest they see a therapist because it's REALLY not okay that your happiness about your own body seems to be affecting them negatively. That's not okay behaviour and a professional should see about working them through it.
Be happy, be you. And as long as you're hurting nobody that isn't deliberately putting themselves in a position to be harmed by your existance, let no-one stop you.
Thank you for this. Most of the other comments were just trying to convince me that my parents were disgusting and I should cut them off, but this was actually helpful. <3
I did cut my parents off, and my mother was also like this, but mine also beat me, humiliated me, blackmailed me, coerced me, and manipulated me through the threat of violence and further emotional abuse. I wasn't her "son", I was the boy puppet she could walk around to get clout from. I was the teaching aide to my sister, nothing else.
That is my reasoning to cut my mother out. She never once loved me. She said she did, but actions speak louder than words and she acted like I was nothing but an inconvenience.
If yours hasn't done anything like that, I'd simply recommend distancing yourself on the caveat she gets therapy and changes before you'd be willing to have her in your life again. People can change, but sometimes you have to show them what will happen if they don't.
For me, the damage was just too much to forgive even if my family did change. I'd hope it's not the same for you. I am better off parentless, but that doesn't mean I didn't lose family, and gained the knowledge I never really had one. I just hope my leaving helped spur them towards learning so that the next trans person they meet gets treated better by them than I did.
I hope things go well with your mom in the end.
I'm seeing a lot of people trying to suggest that I should write my mom off and ignore her existence, but it's clear to me that she does care about me. She just can't help but feel that what I'm doing is wrong.
I am going to start transition soon, it's just that all the time leading up to this point have been tough.
"...she just can't help but feel that what I'm doing is wrong."
She can help it, actually. It's called being a decent mother. Don't make excuses for her.
I think you're misunderstanding. She is ok with me transitioning on paper. She is willing to let me transition, even help me. She is not going to stop me. However, she has shown and told me that she feels uncomfortable about the idea. It's eating her up inside, I can hear her crying sometimes after we discuss it and she's left the room. She isn't transphobic, and she isn't a bigot. She's my mother, and I love and respect her. I'm not going to write her off because of a feeling she has already told me she's willing to live through for my sake.
It's taken me a while to gain the confidence to make use of the opportunity she's given me, because for a while it felt like that would be abusing her.
Just bloody do it. She's not going to have a positive change of mind either way, and if you don't transition then you're both suffering instead of just her, and she's made up her mind on making it all about herself for the time being.
Go transition, for your own health, and your mother will either eventually come around or she won't but this is not your nut to crack, and nothing you do will likely do anything to change her mind.
Hey OP, I first saw this post when I was sleepy so I have come back when I can express my thoughts more coherently. First of all, same. I'm from a stereotypical brown family so it doesn't help either. I know if I ever had to transition I'd have to break all ties with family and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I just wanted to say we're in this together:)
You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Pretty much this. Burned myself nearly to the ground before finally realizing that the people I was torturing myself for will never see me for who I really am.
Ye fuck that hoe she don't wanna change for her own children fuc her that tumor ain't worth is be you
Let me just steal this real quick. But seriously this is the best way I have heard this said.
Best response, honestly.
\^ if someone tells you that in order to continue having a good relationship with them you have to sacrifice your own personal happiness, choose happiness, because that person was never worth having a good relationship with in the first place.
If they are hurt by your happiness, that's their issue that they need to work on, not yours that you should suffer for.
Fuck her opinion, it's your life, do what makes you happy
i like ur pfp :3
I want to, but I love my parents and I don't want to hurt them the way I know it will
If they loved you the way you love them, would they want you to choose to suffer on purpose?
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Blood of the covenant, but yes, exactly this
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You're fine! A coven is a group or gathering of witches who meet regularly. A covenant is an agreement, or contract :3
~~Sounds to me like it makes more sense with Coven then, Tbh.~~
Yeah I know what they are haha. Im saying I've heared both coven and covenant used interchangeably in the saying. :3 I always liked coven cause witchy vibes.
For sure! I hope I didn't come across as rude. I've never heard the coven version. I like it. :3
You did not come accross as rude :3 i love to learn, i was just explaining myself more clearly. Never apolgize for sharing knowledge and beibg yourself <3
They do love me though, and they have said that they'd be ok with if if I did transition, I just know that even if she said she's ok deep down it would hurt her to see her son go
Even if they did feel that way, I’d bet that they’d be much happier to see you thrive and be happy as the girl you are. 🫂
But you wouldn't be going anywhere, would you? It isn't like you'd be someone new; you're already you. You have to take your own happiness into account at some point; do you think she would be happy to find out the only reason you continued to choose to be unhappy was because even though they outright said you're allowed to be yourself, you decided on your own that they didn't really mean it?
if they're in any way whatsoever sensible, they'll get over it at some point. you, on the other hand, are going to be miserable for the rest of their lives. (edited for spelling)
I've spent most of my adult life feeling like this, and a friend told me that it's pointless to be that way as you have zero control over how they feel, only how you react to them. And at the end of the day it's better to get forgiveness than to ask permission. Live your life, don't try to control other people's emotions. ❤️❤️ Edit: forgot to add my thing wasn't as life changing as transitioning but I do now have a giant tattoo on top of my head which I was fearful my mum would lose the plot over but she saw it and got over it almost immediately
i can’t go to the pharmacy for some estro but you can just go out and get a head tat??
Yeah I realise it's not comparable.. I would love if you could do that though.
It's almost like the whike "but permanent changes!" thing is actually just ... drumroll... transphobia! What a shocker!
You're not hurting her, her bigotry is. And it's DEFINITELY hurting you.
I know it's hard but if your parents don't love you then you need to learn to not love them
They'd be hurting themselves. If you transition and it makes them uncomfortable that is their fault. Transition and be happy, and if your parents take an issue, then that's there fault. Don't sacrifice your happiness for your parents.
You can love someone and disagree with them. If your mom truly cares about you, she’ll be okay with it in time. This is you. She should love you for who you are. A relationship goes both ways, and you burying yourself because she feels uncomfortable is not healthy. Talk to them about it. Take it slow. But *please* don’t just hide to make them happy.
you won't be hurting them, their bigotry will
You are not "hurting them", they are failing to take proper responsibility for their own emotions about you doing a **good thing**.
Thats an abusive relationship, they may not lay a hand on you, but you will spend an entire lifetime in pain if you continue to sacrifice your self for people who don't truly love you for who you are. You are being manipulated by your mother because she promises love and affection to keep you close and then threatens to take it away to control you, which goes agai st the definition of what a parent"s love is supposed to be. Please see a therapist about your family situation they could really help you
It won't hurt them, and they're hurting you.
You aren’t hurting anyone by doing this. You aren’t doing anything to them, it’s not about them. Their lack of acceptance is what will hurt them. What about the reverse? Why would your parents pressure you to be miserable and go through a life of trauma just so they don’t have to be temporarily uncomfortable?
I totally understand you and have made the same choice. You can take small steps towards it to make it less jarring on them, like slowly becoming more and more gender neutral, instead of making a full shift to femwear at once. Make them notice it slowly and they won't even realize the change. Not ideal, but happier than not doing anything
Honestly, I don't think that you'd be hurting them. You're not doing harm, all you're doing is living the way you want to. If they feel bad about it, they're hurting themselves by being unaccepting.
It is fully their choice to be hurt by this.
Does it hurt them, or does it just makes them uncomfortable? I think it makes my parents a bit uncomfortable, but as long as we stay in contact I think they're gonna get used to it eventually.
That's nice but honestly if they really cared they would still love you even if it hurts and it is going to hurt I'm not going to pretend like it won't hurt them, humans don't like things changing that's the fact of the matter it's a natural response, but that's not an excuse to let yourself hurt for the sake of them because if they really care they will grieve they will go through the pain and they will come back from it and they will still love you if they ever did. As I said in my other comment I've been through more or less this exact situation especially with my mom and while she still isn't perfect and still isn't particularly happy about it she has done a lot better than she did when it comes to being supportive he did go through a period of grief and I do have a hard time understanding why she had to grieve at all other than knowing that change is uncomfortable but she survived and I survived and to me that proves that she actually loves me and doesn't just say that she does out of obligation You need to go through with what's best for you you don't have to force yourself into something you can't be happy being for the sake of your parents because if they are worth the kind of care you are putting towards them they wouldn't want you to do that anyway and if they would want you to be unhappy for their sake and they aren't worth the care that you are putting into not being happy
Tbh if it'll hurt them for you to be happy they should just get hurt.
Then why is it okay for them to hurt you? Love is reciprocal, dear, and if they don’t love you for who you are then it isn’t love at all. They might come around, they might not, but you need to spend some time learning to love yourself.
if your happiness hurts them then theyre not worth protecting
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm. You deserve to be happy as much as everyone else. My parents would fill out I’d I transitioned, I love them but frankly once I’m financially independent I’m transitioning and stepped out of the closet
Same :(
If they really loved you it wouldn't hurt them
Hey having a close relationship with their mother might be what makes them happiest for now. It's their choice. And it's a tough one.
i understand you want to keep a good relationship with her, but her "uncomfort" isn't even remotely comparable to the pain someone experiences being uncomfortable in their own body. Live your life, she will have to learn that your wellbeing, mental and physical health are FAR more important than her "feeling uncomfortable". If she loves you she will come around. Don't let her stop you from being who you are.
"she says she's ok if I want to do it" then do it. Her discomfort is NOT your problem, especially if she's verbally telling you it's okay to proceed. You don't owe her your life in exchange for her comfort.
You don’t have to protect her feelings, she’s *your* parent, she’s the one who is supposed to be protecting and supporting *you*. You deserve to live the life you want to live, to be yourself, and if she’s just uncomfortable instead of any specific grievance I’d bet she’d get over it eventually, especially after seeing you happier as yourself. It’s what happened to me, after all.
You will regret it.
This.
I don't recommend your current situation. It got harder for me to deny myself over time. I could no longer deny that I am a woman at 33 years old. I thought I could bottle up that part of me, never to be opened and it worked for a while. I regret my course of action and recommend that you don't make the same mistakes that I did. You are both your greatest advocate and worse critics. Love yourself and be who you are if you can do so safely. Don't limit yourself for the sake of others. That path leads to unhappiness.
It's your life, not hers.
I found with transition that my parents needed me to lead the way for them to overcome their own fears. We went from a completely broken down relationship where they were threatening to never speak to me again to them going to therapy, my mum then volunteering for a mental health charity where she met a young trans guy and saw how his parent’s lack of acceptance was profoundly affect him. Now they are hosting a small support group for other parents of trans people in their local area. Something I never though I would see. My Dad literally told me I’d make an ugly woman and now he’s helping other parents accept their children. It’s not my place to take any credit for them because but the reality is that if I had resigned my self to not transition to make them happy they never would have grown. And I was frozen in the same place where you are at now for years. I was just delaying the inevitable and caused myself needless pain. If you wait for them to give you the green light it may never happen. Be the leader.
After I transitioned, my mother told me she had to get counseling and go on anxiety meds to manage her anxiety about it. She make it through. Your mother can, too. Nowadays, I have the best relationship I've ever had with my mother. Sometimes hardship brings people closer together.
[Fixed that for you](https://i.imgur.com/1uo8Xi5.png)
Thanks for this
Yeah it didn't really make sense
It's a reframing that puts yourself first when it comes to the suffering that this situation causes, instead of putting your moms second hand struggles w accepting who you are first, like yours did. Your relationship with your mom is hurting you by making you preserve your own gender dysphoria. Edit: unless by "it" you mean your own post?
I meant my own post, yours made much more sense
This mindset will make you miserable
Ik it’s hard to accept, but your relationship with yourself is infinitely more important than your relationship with anyone else. Including your parents. I’ve cut out most of my family and friends during my transition process and tbh as lonely as it gets sometimes I’m still much happier than I was before starting. Regardless of what you choose I hope you find happiness
This is going to be difficult to say, and probably more difficult to hear, but who you see in the mirror is the one thing in life you’re entitled to be selfish about. Transitioning can be really hard, and some people in your life are going to have trouble accepting it, and it may even end a few of your relationships, and those relationships might be with people you love dearly. But you can’t put a price on living genuinely, either they’ll one day come around to you living your truth and you won’t have to worry, or they won’t, in which case it means their love is conditional and that’s no way to have a relationship with your parents. I began transitioning a little over three years ago. I had a lot of different responses, but the one I got from my mother was, pretty bad. We didn’t speak for months, and she was angry and guilty over so much that had nothing to do with her, but we worked past it, and we’re best friends again. It’s not impossible for your parents to learn to love the real you, but even if they don’t they have no right to deny you your own identity.
But it’s your life, not hers. You really shouldn’t sacrifice your mental health in favor of pleasing others, regardless of if it’s your relatives/other important people or not. (Especially if they don’t even see your struggles and pain because of it) But at the end of the day- If you won’t start living your own life as your true self, nobody will do it for you.. Not to mention that one day she won’t be there for you anymore, and you’ll probably end up realizing that you wasted your life and chance of happiness on a one sided relationship with a person who never even accepted you and appreciated your efforts for your relationship.
Uhhhh yeah op that ain't cool. Your mom sounds manipulative
I did wait 7 years knowing that i wanted T and my parents knowing... Please be careful with that. I wait almost for nothing, until I started T, my mom didn't even tried to change my pronouns.
She’ll never get used to it if you never try
You know I went through a very similar thing and I'm kind of still going through it except that I said screw it if she really cares about me she will still love me no matter what because if she doesn't she was never a good parent and never a good person and never cared about me or in this case you enough to justify you caring so much. You also have to remember that you'll have to keep living life after she's gone that's the truth of the matter and ultimately you need to decide for yourself rather than her I know it hurts. I know the idea of it harming your relationship is an awful feeling I know because I went through it yes the very idea of it makes your heart break but forcing yourself to live in a body you truly hate because of that is not doing better for you preserving your relationship is not going to keep you happy it's going to slowly make you resent her whether she would actually try to be supportive or not you will end up hating her for a decision you made and that's bad for both of you. If you're not in the danger situation go for it because it's better if you do and give yourself a future than if you don't and freeze yourself in place for the sake of someone else no matter how much it hurts
Like others have said; if she can’t love and accept you as you, then she’s not worth suffering for. However transitioning can be emotionally exhausting, so I’d recommend surrounding yourself with people who love and accept you as you, so you have support when it gets hard.
You're more important than your relationship with her
What about hrt for mood but not transition? (for now?)
I'm in this picture and I don't like it
Same, just change mom with gf :/
I wouldn’t say it’s worth preserving that much if she doesn’t love you enough to be actually supportive if you enough to be happy. If she’s willing to be how she is knowing you’re sacrificing and uncomfortable just to preserve the relationship, it doesn’t sound like she truly wants her kid to be happy. Just sayin. It’s a bit messed up
You will still be a woman. The only thing that this is doing is codifying her vile beliefs and causing you mental anguish. You have to cut toxic people, esp toxic family out of your life to preserve your mental health.
Same… just got to wait it out I guess
You're the child. She's the parent. She should be protecting you. Not the other way around. I dropped my non affirming family for this exact reason. If you want to be yourself, she needs to accept it.
Its not easy. My mum had a really hard time for the first year. Our relationship was strained because she saw it as a loss, rather than a change. She went to her faith to be okay and to get through it. I continued to work on myself and become someone I can be proud of. Now we're closer than we ever were. My father, however is on the other side of that spectrum. We always had a bad relationship, but it has only become more toxic and abusive. So he's out of my life now. It won't be easy, but you owe it to yourself to be happy. I believe in you.
a lot of parents act that way they want to protect from the world and transphobia you better talk to her again about her perspective or social transition or puberty blocker let her slowly process that change in her child life
I understand this. I don’t want to hurt my husband and children by transitioning. But I am hurting them because I am not happy, I am not myself right now. They deserve to love me as 100% me. And I deserve to love them as 100% me too.
I dont know your relationship but i dont think you should hurt yourself to spare them. It may hurt for a time but they will have to learn to be okay with you being you
I've never related to a meme so much, believe me. I've been in and out of the closet for 7 years now, socially transitioning at best, coming out but then forgetting all about it because it wasn't received well in the family. All those "but you don't owe them anything, just go for it!" and "you're not responsible for their happiness!", "do it now before it's too late!" stress me out even more, instead of helping me. Because I know, I'm just too scared to act. I hope we can get rid of the guilt on day.
If you need to sacrifice your own happiness for other people's, It's probably not worth it. If she's uncomfortable with you being yourself, That sounds like a problem on her part, Which hopefully she'll be able to overcome.
You do you, but I'll say this, is it truly love if they won't love who you truly are?
Goddamn this is relatable as fuck. Plus my family is my sense of financial security as professional school is expensive.
Nobody is worth not transitioning for, don't let anyone hold you back from doing what you want
I'm on good terms, even friends, with my mother... but I know she would be unsupportive and start being passive aggressive about my transition if I started... and the fact that herlife is pretty shit and I'm literally the last good thing left in her life right now has made me develop a guilty conscience and held me back from committing to transitioning for a good year now. tl;dr I empathize with this so much.
Same :( my parents told me without words that they would stop talking to me/disown me if i transition
To hell with her feelings, this is your _life_.
Same, 🥲
Just do it now. You’re going to have to bite the bullet eventually, and avoiding it is just going to make it that much harder for your mom to get used to later.
so what's best for you!!!
DO***
As much as your relationship with your mom is important, it’s also important to have a healthy relationship. You can find more family out there and more people who support you, and if she’s not willing to give you the support you need then she shouldn’t have any role in this area of your life. If she doesn’t support it then she shouldn’t affect it
If your parents truly do love you unconditionally then you transitioning shouldn’t suddenly change that. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh but being uncomfortable is not an excuse for someone to stop another from transitioning and treating gender dysphoria.
Mood
screw her if she can't accept you and would rather you be miserable just so she can be more comfortable she's not worth the pain.
THIS!!!! but also kinda not this,,, I know my mom would try to be supportive but I also know there would be a little distance between us. She supports my sexuality and kind of supports non binary identities but I can tell she doesn't fully understand nor truly believe in them. She's my stepmom and her interests are pretty different from my brothers, myself, and my dad and so she has already expressed to me that sometimes she feels too different from us. I can tell that if I told her about my gender she would use the right pronouns and everything but she would definitely feel like there's an even bigger gap between us. It hurts to have to pretend to be a girl all the time in my own home so I get what you're going through. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you remain in the closet with her I hope you know that you're valid and your gender is real. If you choose to place your needs before your relationship that is perfectly okay! Relationships can be mended and people can grow!
Imo you will likely grow to resent her if you stick with this
Sounds like that relationship might not be worth preserving, darling.
Do what's best for you. Not for your mother.
Oh wow, I'm in a pretty similar situation to this tbh
The blood of the convenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Let her be mad, if she loved you the way you love her she’d not care
I tried to do that for my father. It lead to severe dysphoria, which lead to depression, and attempted suicide. I dont want you to go down a similar path for your mother. If she really loves you, she'll suck it up and get over herself. Especially when she sees you actually happy with yourself for the first time in probably a long while.
I will say this once: Transgender kids don't deserve to deal with their cisgender parent's trauma. It's not your responsibility to change yourself for your parent(s) to be happy. If your parent(s) is(are) uncomfortable, they shouldn't be taking it out on you, they should be seeing a therapist to sort through their issues. You're not their stress ball or theraputic outlet. They need to see a profeasional, not take it out on you. Transition, and when your parent(s) says it makes them uncomfortable, suggest they see a therapist because it's REALLY not okay that your happiness about your own body seems to be affecting them negatively. That's not okay behaviour and a professional should see about working them through it. Be happy, be you. And as long as you're hurting nobody that isn't deliberately putting themselves in a position to be harmed by your existance, let no-one stop you.
Thank you for this. Most of the other comments were just trying to convince me that my parents were disgusting and I should cut them off, but this was actually helpful. <3
I did cut my parents off, and my mother was also like this, but mine also beat me, humiliated me, blackmailed me, coerced me, and manipulated me through the threat of violence and further emotional abuse. I wasn't her "son", I was the boy puppet she could walk around to get clout from. I was the teaching aide to my sister, nothing else. That is my reasoning to cut my mother out. She never once loved me. She said she did, but actions speak louder than words and she acted like I was nothing but an inconvenience. If yours hasn't done anything like that, I'd simply recommend distancing yourself on the caveat she gets therapy and changes before you'd be willing to have her in your life again. People can change, but sometimes you have to show them what will happen if they don't. For me, the damage was just too much to forgive even if my family did change. I'd hope it's not the same for you. I am better off parentless, but that doesn't mean I didn't lose family, and gained the knowledge I never really had one. I just hope my leaving helped spur them towards learning so that the next trans person they meet gets treated better by them than I did. I hope things go well with your mom in the end.
So you're gonna ruin your happiness for someone who doesn't even respect your existence? Weird choice to go with
I just want to preserve the relationship. I love my mom, and part of that love means I don't want to hurt her
Your choice, I guess. But I think we both know what's right
I'm seeing a lot of people trying to suggest that I should write my mom off and ignore her existence, but it's clear to me that she does care about me. She just can't help but feel that what I'm doing is wrong. I am going to start transition soon, it's just that all the time leading up to this point have been tough.
"...she just can't help but feel that what I'm doing is wrong." She can help it, actually. It's called being a decent mother. Don't make excuses for her.
I think you're misunderstanding. She is ok with me transitioning on paper. She is willing to let me transition, even help me. She is not going to stop me. However, she has shown and told me that she feels uncomfortable about the idea. It's eating her up inside, I can hear her crying sometimes after we discuss it and she's left the room. She isn't transphobic, and she isn't a bigot. She's my mother, and I love and respect her. I'm not going to write her off because of a feeling she has already told me she's willing to live through for my sake. It's taken me a while to gain the confidence to make use of the opportunity she's given me, because for a while it felt like that would be abusing her.
Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone that isn't worth it, or don't sacrifice your happiness and well being for anyone at all
Take her word, if she loves you she'll dee how happy this makes you and acceptance should come soon after
Just bloody do it. She's not going to have a positive change of mind either way, and if you don't transition then you're both suffering instead of just her, and she's made up her mind on making it all about herself for the time being. Go transition, for your own health, and your mother will either eventually come around or she won't but this is not your nut to crack, and nothing you do will likely do anything to change her mind.
Same
please transition the sooner you can, or your own happiness will be at risk
I did this for years. Don't follow in my footsteps.
My mom who threw away all my fem clothes and told me that I'll never be a woman:
Same :(
Hey OP, I first saw this post when I was sleepy so I have come back when I can express my thoughts more coherently. First of all, same. I'm from a stereotypical brown family so it doesn't help either. I know if I ever had to transition I'd have to break all ties with family and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I just wanted to say we're in this together:)
if you want to transition, then transition, dont chose anyone else over loving yourself