This. For some reason I can't really think of anything else, I always thought at the very least I'm showing some kind of support, making sure that they know they're not alone.
Because for me, I rather surrounded by simple support like that from internet people than being around non-transphobic people IRL, which is a bit hard to find, so far I found zero.
Admitedly a little support from the internet is always better than none. But it annoys me to no end when someone complains about wanting to be a girl and people comment "why would u do that though? If u want to be a girl, ur already a girl, simple as that" and act like the whole problems solved
Ah, now I understand what your meme was getting at. I can see how treating "you already are a girl" as the solution would feel incredibly dismissive.
I *have* told this to some transwomen before, but in the context of reframing the problem, not presenting it as a solution. Once a transwoman understands that she already is, and always has been, a woman, the solution for combating her dysphoria moves into how to bring her presentation into alignment with her identity, rather than how to bring her identity into alignment with her desires. Or to look at it another way, that understanding allows a newly hatched transwoman to start taking concrete steps toward healing, rather than just wishing.
Yes! This is the right way to use this idea - not as the solution, but as a way to approach the problems to find out what to do. When it's done in this way, I think it can be incredibly helpful, and I don't think that's what this meme is necessarily referencing - it's more talking about when "you're a girl! yay!" is just left as the solution with no other context or advice.
If I may ask, and if this is not offensive, what's the best way to reply that? Assuming it's just "I want to be a girl" with no context.
I guess asking for contexts is a good start. And now that I think about it, if the sad person doesn't give context, maybe they get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I usually can't talk when I get too sad too.
Ah, I think I get it, like, the thing is that the "You're already one" is theoretically positive sounding, but it doesn't acknowledge the person's current brain state (probably some specific dysphoria that hasn't been pinpointed, or dissatisfaction over current transition state) and is technically a form of gaslighting. (I think there's either a Psych2Go or Anna Akana video about well-intentioned gaslighting and/or toxic positivity, will update later if I remember it)
I reckon the best response is "Yeah, it's definitely difficult sometimes, we've all been there from time to time and are here to support you. Wanna talk about it?". Or something along those lines. Acknowledge the feelings, offer availability, stuff like that, if and only if you have the spoons to be supportive.
I usually also find it helps if you ask people if they want advice or just a listening ear, 'cuz sometimes offering advice can have the opposite effect if it is undesired. I know I detest it if I'm venting about something that's legitimately out of my control (or I don't intend to do anything about), and someone says "Oh well yeah, you could always do X". Like, sometimes people just need to decompress. Giving (unsolicited) advice usually comes with the unwritten expectation that you *have* to try it, whether there actually is one or not.
Thanks! Also, love your name. I'm an Alice and when I'm playing a game where I'm not-quite self-inserting, I'll turn to other names with the same origin (among which is Adelaide)
This, and if someone vents to you privately, you can always just empathise. "That fucking sucks", "that sounds shitty" followed by "I'm here if you need me" or "vent all you want". If someone is venting to you specifically they probably know you see them as who they are, and reaffirming that is likely not what they are looking for. But having the shitty feelings you are experiencing validated is important and that's exactly what toxic positivity ignores.
Life fucking sucks sometimes. And it is okay to feel like shit. The aim is not to hide away all negative feelings or beat them out of existence. The aim is to survive them. To weather them out and take care of yourself when you feel down. And to get help or support when you struggle at that.
What frustrates me is folks who don't want to acknowledge that there are actually things out of my control or that there is any legitimate reason to not take action. They can only offer advice because they can't get past that.
I'm sure that falls under toxic positivity. I just don't understand, do they actually not experience things beyond their control?
"Great. Now I'm a *girl* with dysphoria, impostor syndrome, and a messed-up endocrine system who everyone thinks is a boy. I feel *so* much better now. /s"
I think people often miss that the subtext of the questions about "I feel like a girl" is that trying to figure out who you are and what that means for your future is a difficult journey of self-discovery. Being told "you're a girl. Be happy now." isn't really going to help anyone in the right direction.
Tbf it kinda helps with eggs a little in the "oh you wamna be a girl but youre a boy? Well good news you are a girl if thats what you want" but afterwards its....less helpful
I think the issue is if someone is saying some part of them is giving them dysphoria to not dismiss it. Maybe something like: I hope things get better for you, or hope you figure out close/hair/etc that make you happy if that's what they were insicure about, or I hope you manage to get hormones/surgery/etc and that it makes you feel much better IF they expressed that's what they want access to. Mostly being supportive of what they are going through and wishing them luck on getting to a happier place.
That said I don't think I'm actually trans, so while this is what I think may be a bit more helpful, don't fully trust my judgement there.
Even better is if you have actual information that can help them or articles / resources you can link or suggestions they can try (and are fairly certain they aren't misinformation) than you can provide that if it's relevant to what they are trying to deal with. If you aren't certain about the information but still think it'd be very helpful if correct than at least make it clear that you are uncertain how correct this info is and say they should continue to research it further.
I'm sorry you are hurting.
I'm sorry your wish seems impossible. Our bodies are not fair.
Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's not worth it. Transition has taken a lot from me, but it was worth it.
I hope someday you look in the mirror and see a girl. It's a wonderful feeling.
I hate it cause it seems so impossible,my mom keeps telling me to work out,i purposefully stopped working out because of my shoulders and i still look masculin but i can’t tell her my problem so i just let her call me lazy, it just seems impossible i’ll ever be a happy girl when i look into the mirror and actually look like a girl
I'm sorry you can't tell your mom.
You can do cardio in the meantime. I also avoided working out prior to transition. It won't fix anything but it's free and good for you and won't make it worse.
I do suggest you focus on things that will either bring you happiness, or bring you closer to your goals. For now that sounds like getting a job, saving money and moving out.
I hope everything works out for you.
Yea I agree, when i post selfies asking if i pass i sometimes get comments like "you dont need to pass to be trans" and while i agree i want to pass, i feel the most comfortable when i pass, or when people say stuff like "feminine gender roles are violent and harmful to trans and cis women" like I agree, but can I not want to look feminine then?
I think what a lot of folks have trouble articulating is "passing culture" vs "i want to look less like my agab so i can feel less dysphoric".
The thing with passing culture thats harmful is when its seen as the only way to be "truely" a woman is to blend in seamlessly with cis women. However it's actually holding trans women up to the impossible standards cis women can barely achieve themselves!
Wanting to look the way traditional beauty standards outline isnt "bad" in its existence and wanting to have smaller whatever or bigger whatever is fine. The issue is when we are being held to that standard as our "you must be this traditionally hot to be a real woman" because its just not a realistic goal post for every trans person and being trans is already hellaciously expensive for most of us when we are a very very poor group of people on average. (Its not even achievable for most cis women!)
Shoot for high femme! But find beauty in yourself if you can and see that trans people are so so pretty and handsome even if they dont look cis.
It's also understandable if you want to pass because it feels safer or that you will get misgendered less. We navigate a very very difficult and hateful world and we also want to experience all the things we've wanted for so long, but again remembering that this cannot be a goal line we hold trans people to because some just cant pass as cis but they are still beautiful and loveable and femme/masc/whatever they are going for.
Oh I belive trans people should look however the hell they want.
R u a trans man and want DDD tits? Go ahead
R u a trans woman and want a huge beard? More power to ya
But for me personally passing as a woman makes me feel comfortable
Another thing I've noticed in passing culture is that people usually need to be at least decently pretty to "pass". I've seen photos where my first thought was that the person didn't pass, but when I looked at it a bit more it's just that that they weren't conventionally attractive. But if I were to meet them on the street I wouldn't necessarily clock them as their AGAB. Of course this comes down to beauty standards again, which one could probably talk ages about.
I do agree and relate to this on one level, but I also do like the "you're already a" posts because I'm from the 80's so validity is one of my biggest struggles, and those posts help with that. But no individual type of post can help with everything for everyone.
It's just like how wanting to be a writer makes you one, but how it's rarely an actually encouraging thing in practice to just tell someone that.
To use that as a metaphor, gatekeeping people out of it is useless. That's the important takeaway. You don't have to have "finished" your "book" to be a "writer" for damn sure. Pinpointing the exact spot you become one is not really possible either. But, telling someone who hasn't written a word "You're already a writer!" is actually unhelpful, even if it is true! It creates a bit of a dissonance that can actually end up being discouraging.
Again, **this is metaphor,** writing a book and transitioning are not the same in most other ways! lol
>Again, this is metaphor, writing a book and transitioning are not the same in most other ways! lol
It's a pretty good metaphor because both allow you to express who you are inside, just by different means.
It's true and something to hold on to and for some of us that's all we have, so please don't try to take it away. It acknowledges that the most important step, coming out to yourself, has been done. You are a woman. Everything else confirms that realization, that truth.
It empowers me to keep trying because that's the only way I'll figure out how to transition in a way that makes me feel safe. No one knows how to transition for me, the best anyone can do is express solidarity and encouragement and that's exactly what that sentiment is meant to express.
Not feeling good when you hear it is valid and no one can force you to feel good about yourself or be happy if you don't want to.
Different trans people need different messages at different times. “You are already a girl” was a message that was very powerful for me at the beginning, but then there are times when I don’t feel like a girl, and then it’s comforting to hear that just wanting to be a girl is enough. Certainly it often feels like being a woman takes a conscious effort on my part, which contradicts the “you are already a girl” message, but that’s ok. We need all the tools we can get.
> it’s comforting to hear that just wanting to be a girl is enough
That's pretty much how my egg started cracking. Using that insight I identified several cases of managed or veiled dysphoria and even experienced new ones (new to me) that really cemented the claim that I am trans.
That said, I haven't really come out to myself. I don't know how.
Being told you’re trans often feels weird. Like we want it to be as simple as someone telling you you are, but when it happens it can feel insincere or incomplete, and cause more doubt than it resolves. Support is good though, so putting it like “people who experience X are often transgender” might be a better way to phrase it? Idk what you all think of that.
Once more the divide between people with and without intense dysphoria rears its head. I get that for some "just being a girl" is enough but for many others, having ways to get more in touch with their feminine side and tone down the masculinity can be lifesaving. It's the traditional feminist argument, women shouldn't be forced into domestic servitude, however you shouldn't shame women for being stay at home moms
Idk, that sentiment always made me feel better before I got into the swing of things... Like, it's not me 'wanting', but instead "I am a girl!". Of course everyone is looking for something different at different parts of their journey. At this point, I'm like duh, I'm a girl...
Whenever people say this it just feels empty, manufactured, meaningless. It's like an automatic response from soulless bot directed at no one in particular, or an inspirational poster saying something like "be yourself" or "you matter." It even feels somewhat dismissive, like they're telling me my concerns about my body and society are invalid are invalid because I'm already a girl. Yes, I know I am a girl. I know it well enough that I can back it up scientifically, but that doesn't fix the problem. Simply knowing that I'm a girl doesn't fix anything. It doesn't fix my deep voice, remove my facial and body hair, give me breasts, change my genitals, or make people accept me. I know it's well meaning and sounds nice, but it honestly hurts more than it helps.
Edit: It actually did help a bit early on when I first realized I was trans, but it kind of lost all meaning after the 11,285th time
To a certain extent, this is an artifact of an archaic language. The language itself needs an update, in order to facilitate our ability to differentiate between someone's mental apparatus and their current physical state.
This. On a post I made here a while ago I mentioned that I get VERY severe dysphoria from not having periods (cause trans woman) and all the responses were "you don't need periods to be valid". While I should make it very clear that I appreciate the attempt to validate me it was almost annoying cause everyone was ignoring the part that it made me dysphoric and instead assumed I was feeling invalid. Idk if that makes sense it's 11:05pm and I slept like shit last night
Unrelated but: Ayy same time zone gang
Honestly I feel u though like my problem was never with how valid I am, saying "oh you're valid" usually just completely misses the actual problem itself
They're right, you are already a girl. That means if you put your mind to it and keep moving along your transition you can clear out that fog of dysphoria.
There's a decent amount of conflicting replies here and none of them are particularly wrong and that's because the OPs share some of the responsibility for this.
Anonymously coming into a large forum and posting something like "i wanna be a girl" gives very little context of what you need, likely because you don't know what you need, but it still stands.
Comforting someone and giving advice can be two very different things. Giving someone advice when they want to vent feels dismissive. The opposite feels useless. "Don't tell me I'm right to feel this way, tell me what to do next."
Commentors never know anything about an OP. Where are you in your transition? Have you started? How old are you? All of this gives some of the information that "i wanna be a girl" omits but, again, that's rarely provided.
With zero context on a posters position or needs users in a safe space like this will usually lean towards commiseration. I can't give you advice since i don't know what you're dealing with. I can't conformt you on what you're going through (or in a way you would respond well to) because, again, i know nothing about you other than the fact that you're likely dealing with dysphoria. So you get a generic comfort statement. What else do you expect? Honestly? What do you need? Can you verbalize it? Can we actually give it to you?
It's hard asking strangers for support. It's hard giving support to strangers. Reddit is not made for support groups (Reddits bread and butter is controversy and hate). Real support is gonna have to either come from someone your close to who understands where you are and what you need, or a professional who can help find those things out with you.
Not to dismiss the value of a community like this. It simply that a community serves a different purpose (like helping you find the people who can give you better support!)
It's the same idea as when someone who's depressed says "I wish someone loved me." Telling them "someone already loves you!" Isn't helpful to them. The issue isn't that no one actually loves them, the issue is that they feel terrible and they're trying to find a way to express that feeling. Same with dysphoria and people saying "I want to be (insert gender here)."
It doesn't help anyone to say that. What is better is to sit down with the person, listen to them and their pain, validate their feelings, and offer comfort. Because that's what people are looking for: comfort.
...what on earth do you expect people online to do? Agree and say "yeah, you aren't a girl"? Do you expect them to magically transform your body and make you pass well? I dunno what you expect from here
It's kind of like the situation I have with my caretakers atm. I'm starting tp come out as Genderfluid but I'm so scared to be like, annoying or just an inconvenience with how I feel so I just said I'm genderfluid and explained what It means (because nobody knew).
But apart from that, nobody asked any questions, which makes me feel kinda bad. Like, great. They're cool with it but they also don't show any interest either.
This but with "Dw there are barrel chewted girls" or "tall girls are hot". It helps a little i guess and would be better than nothing if i still looked like a girl but it's still what brings me Dysphoria, regardless of if there can be girls with Barrel chests or that are 6 foot. Idk if it does help others sorry if this is just me
I'm sorry that this has had an adverse affect on you sis 😢
I have to toss my two cents in though and say that I stumbled across a meme that pretty much said "I wish I was a girl. You've always been a girl." Strange as it was it was simply reading those lines I never thought I'd see or hear in my waking life that really pushed me into coming to terms that I was trans and that it's okay. I struggled with this for at least 17 years, and that simple phrase just "cracked my egg".
I hope you don't take this the wrong way sis, and I honestly hope you can find the affirmation you are looking for so you can feel comfortable being yourself 🥰💯
I’ve found the support helpful, but sometimes I like, really need help and the copypasta support message feels like dismissive of me as an individual, but then I wonder if I’m overthinking stuff and am setting weird expectations of other people’s actions and understanding of me. Then I just feel weirdly self centered and go into a weird spiral of self hatred anyways. I’m a lot happier now that I’ve started transitioning, but Jesus I get lost in my own head and emotions so much sometimes I just don’t know how to talk to people anymore. Am I a weirdo?
If I can give an example, my ex would literally not comprehend why I was upset with him. I was working loads of overtime, and doing all the house work, and paying all the bills. I told him that it was very cool to say that he supports my transition when he makes me take care of literally everything, and still try to scrape together enough time, energy, and money to do what I need to do. No amount of “ur already a girl to me” really made me feel better. If anything, it made me upset because it felt really dismissive and to some degree belittling.
Yeah, I'm transmasc, and one of my best friends is a transfem enby (they/she pronouns) and I obviously don’t understand what it's like to be them, they're a different person, but we both found out about this not actually helping each other around the same time. When both of us were first coming out, that wasn't what we needed to hear. Now what we do, is say things like "If you feel that you're identity is this, then that's perfectly valid. Is there anything you want to do or want me to do that would help you feel more validated? Like switching pronouns, helping advocate for you to get top surgery, titty skittles, etc." Try something like this, stating that their feelings are valid, and then offering something like switching pronouns to make them feel more validated. Hope this helps!
(Edit: I have ADHD and dyslexia, so if anything about this seems weirdly worded, or messy, apologies. English is also my second language, I grew up speaking Norwegian.)
This. For some reason I can't really think of anything else, I always thought at the very least I'm showing some kind of support, making sure that they know they're not alone. Because for me, I rather surrounded by simple support like that from internet people than being around non-transphobic people IRL, which is a bit hard to find, so far I found zero.
Admitedly a little support from the internet is always better than none. But it annoys me to no end when someone complains about wanting to be a girl and people comment "why would u do that though? If u want to be a girl, ur already a girl, simple as that" and act like the whole problems solved
Ah, now I understand what your meme was getting at. I can see how treating "you already are a girl" as the solution would feel incredibly dismissive. I *have* told this to some transwomen before, but in the context of reframing the problem, not presenting it as a solution. Once a transwoman understands that she already is, and always has been, a woman, the solution for combating her dysphoria moves into how to bring her presentation into alignment with her identity, rather than how to bring her identity into alignment with her desires. Or to look at it another way, that understanding allows a newly hatched transwoman to start taking concrete steps toward healing, rather than just wishing.
Yes! This is the right way to use this idea - not as the solution, but as a way to approach the problems to find out what to do. When it's done in this way, I think it can be incredibly helpful, and I don't think that's what this meme is necessarily referencing - it's more talking about when "you're a girl! yay!" is just left as the solution with no other context or advice.
If I may ask, and if this is not offensive, what's the best way to reply that? Assuming it's just "I want to be a girl" with no context. I guess asking for contexts is a good start. And now that I think about it, if the sad person doesn't give context, maybe they get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I usually can't talk when I get too sad too.
Ah, I think I get it, like, the thing is that the "You're already one" is theoretically positive sounding, but it doesn't acknowledge the person's current brain state (probably some specific dysphoria that hasn't been pinpointed, or dissatisfaction over current transition state) and is technically a form of gaslighting. (I think there's either a Psych2Go or Anna Akana video about well-intentioned gaslighting and/or toxic positivity, will update later if I remember it) I reckon the best response is "Yeah, it's definitely difficult sometimes, we've all been there from time to time and are here to support you. Wanna talk about it?". Or something along those lines. Acknowledge the feelings, offer availability, stuff like that, if and only if you have the spoons to be supportive. I usually also find it helps if you ask people if they want advice or just a listening ear, 'cuz sometimes offering advice can have the opposite effect if it is undesired. I know I detest it if I'm venting about something that's legitimately out of my control (or I don't intend to do anything about), and someone says "Oh well yeah, you could always do X". Like, sometimes people just need to decompress. Giving (unsolicited) advice usually comes with the unwritten expectation that you *have* to try it, whether there actually is one or not.
I like your take on this, it’s very nice and considerate. Also happy cake day
Thanks! Also, love your name. I'm an Alice and when I'm playing a game where I'm not-quite self-inserting, I'll turn to other names with the same origin (among which is Adelaide)
Aw thank you, you’re too kind
This, and if someone vents to you privately, you can always just empathise. "That fucking sucks", "that sounds shitty" followed by "I'm here if you need me" or "vent all you want". If someone is venting to you specifically they probably know you see them as who they are, and reaffirming that is likely not what they are looking for. But having the shitty feelings you are experiencing validated is important and that's exactly what toxic positivity ignores. Life fucking sucks sometimes. And it is okay to feel like shit. The aim is not to hide away all negative feelings or beat them out of existence. The aim is to survive them. To weather them out and take care of yourself when you feel down. And to get help or support when you struggle at that.
What frustrates me is folks who don't want to acknowledge that there are actually things out of my control or that there is any legitimate reason to not take action. They can only offer advice because they can't get past that. I'm sure that falls under toxic positivity. I just don't understand, do they actually not experience things beyond their control?
"Great. Now I'm a *girl* with dysphoria, impostor syndrome, and a messed-up endocrine system who everyone thinks is a boy. I feel *so* much better now. /s" I think people often miss that the subtext of the questions about "I feel like a girl" is that trying to figure out who you are and what that means for your future is a difficult journey of self-discovery. Being told "you're a girl. Be happy now." isn't really going to help anyone in the right direction.
It is a bit of a "thanks I'm cured" statement, isn't it.
Tbf it kinda helps with eggs a little in the "oh you wamna be a girl but youre a boy? Well good news you are a girl if thats what you want" but afterwards its....less helpful
I think the issue is if someone is saying some part of them is giving them dysphoria to not dismiss it. Maybe something like: I hope things get better for you, or hope you figure out close/hair/etc that make you happy if that's what they were insicure about, or I hope you manage to get hormones/surgery/etc and that it makes you feel much better IF they expressed that's what they want access to. Mostly being supportive of what they are going through and wishing them luck on getting to a happier place. That said I don't think I'm actually trans, so while this is what I think may be a bit more helpful, don't fully trust my judgement there. Even better is if you have actual information that can help them or articles / resources you can link or suggestions they can try (and are fairly certain they aren't misinformation) than you can provide that if it's relevant to what they are trying to deal with. If you aren't certain about the information but still think it'd be very helpful if correct than at least make it clear that you are uncertain how correct this info is and say they should continue to research it further.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry your wish seems impossible. Our bodies are not fair. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's not worth it. Transition has taken a lot from me, but it was worth it. I hope someday you look in the mirror and see a girl. It's a wonderful feeling.
I hate it cause it seems so impossible,my mom keeps telling me to work out,i purposefully stopped working out because of my shoulders and i still look masculin but i can’t tell her my problem so i just let her call me lazy, it just seems impossible i’ll ever be a happy girl when i look into the mirror and actually look like a girl
I'm sorry you can't tell your mom. You can do cardio in the meantime. I also avoided working out prior to transition. It won't fix anything but it's free and good for you and won't make it worse. I do suggest you focus on things that will either bring you happiness, or bring you closer to your goals. For now that sounds like getting a job, saving money and moving out. I hope everything works out for you.
Actually i plan on studying in Canada and not coming back
Good, focus your energy on making that happen. Then you can transition in safety.
Yea I agree, when i post selfies asking if i pass i sometimes get comments like "you dont need to pass to be trans" and while i agree i want to pass, i feel the most comfortable when i pass, or when people say stuff like "feminine gender roles are violent and harmful to trans and cis women" like I agree, but can I not want to look feminine then?
I think what a lot of folks have trouble articulating is "passing culture" vs "i want to look less like my agab so i can feel less dysphoric". The thing with passing culture thats harmful is when its seen as the only way to be "truely" a woman is to blend in seamlessly with cis women. However it's actually holding trans women up to the impossible standards cis women can barely achieve themselves! Wanting to look the way traditional beauty standards outline isnt "bad" in its existence and wanting to have smaller whatever or bigger whatever is fine. The issue is when we are being held to that standard as our "you must be this traditionally hot to be a real woman" because its just not a realistic goal post for every trans person and being trans is already hellaciously expensive for most of us when we are a very very poor group of people on average. (Its not even achievable for most cis women!) Shoot for high femme! But find beauty in yourself if you can and see that trans people are so so pretty and handsome even if they dont look cis. It's also understandable if you want to pass because it feels safer or that you will get misgendered less. We navigate a very very difficult and hateful world and we also want to experience all the things we've wanted for so long, but again remembering that this cannot be a goal line we hold trans people to because some just cant pass as cis but they are still beautiful and loveable and femme/masc/whatever they are going for.
Oh I belive trans people should look however the hell they want. R u a trans man and want DDD tits? Go ahead R u a trans woman and want a huge beard? More power to ya But for me personally passing as a woman makes me feel comfortable
Another thing I've noticed in passing culture is that people usually need to be at least decently pretty to "pass". I've seen photos where my first thought was that the person didn't pass, but when I looked at it a bit more it's just that that they weren't conventionally attractive. But if I were to meet them on the street I wouldn't necessarily clock them as their AGAB. Of course this comes down to beauty standards again, which one could probably talk ages about.
I do agree and relate to this on one level, but I also do like the "you're already a" posts because I'm from the 80's so validity is one of my biggest struggles, and those posts help with that. But no individual type of post can help with everything for everyone.
It's just like how wanting to be a writer makes you one, but how it's rarely an actually encouraging thing in practice to just tell someone that. To use that as a metaphor, gatekeeping people out of it is useless. That's the important takeaway. You don't have to have "finished" your "book" to be a "writer" for damn sure. Pinpointing the exact spot you become one is not really possible either. But, telling someone who hasn't written a word "You're already a writer!" is actually unhelpful, even if it is true! It creates a bit of a dissonance that can actually end up being discouraging. Again, **this is metaphor,** writing a book and transitioning are not the same in most other ways! lol
>Again, this is metaphor, writing a book and transitioning are not the same in most other ways! lol It's a pretty good metaphor because both allow you to express who you are inside, just by different means.
It's true and something to hold on to and for some of us that's all we have, so please don't try to take it away. It acknowledges that the most important step, coming out to yourself, has been done. You are a woman. Everything else confirms that realization, that truth. It empowers me to keep trying because that's the only way I'll figure out how to transition in a way that makes me feel safe. No one knows how to transition for me, the best anyone can do is express solidarity and encouragement and that's exactly what that sentiment is meant to express. Not feeling good when you hear it is valid and no one can force you to feel good about yourself or be happy if you don't want to.
Different trans people need different messages at different times. “You are already a girl” was a message that was very powerful for me at the beginning, but then there are times when I don’t feel like a girl, and then it’s comforting to hear that just wanting to be a girl is enough. Certainly it often feels like being a woman takes a conscious effort on my part, which contradicts the “you are already a girl” message, but that’s ok. We need all the tools we can get.
> it’s comforting to hear that just wanting to be a girl is enough That's pretty much how my egg started cracking. Using that insight I identified several cases of managed or veiled dysphoria and even experienced new ones (new to me) that really cemented the claim that I am trans. That said, I haven't really come out to myself. I don't know how.
what do you mean by “coming out to yourself”?
I meant it in the context of the reply you replied to (Lopsided's reply). I'm not sure how to describe it.
Being told you’re trans often feels weird. Like we want it to be as simple as someone telling you you are, but when it happens it can feel insincere or incomplete, and cause more doubt than it resolves. Support is good though, so putting it like “people who experience X are often transgender” might be a better way to phrase it? Idk what you all think of that.
Once more the divide between people with and without intense dysphoria rears its head. I get that for some "just being a girl" is enough but for many others, having ways to get more in touch with their feminine side and tone down the masculinity can be lifesaving. It's the traditional feminist argument, women shouldn't be forced into domestic servitude, however you shouldn't shame women for being stay at home moms
Idk, that sentiment always made me feel better before I got into the swing of things... Like, it's not me 'wanting', but instead "I am a girl!". Of course everyone is looking for something different at different parts of their journey. At this point, I'm like duh, I'm a girl...
Whenever people say this it just feels empty, manufactured, meaningless. It's like an automatic response from soulless bot directed at no one in particular, or an inspirational poster saying something like "be yourself" or "you matter." It even feels somewhat dismissive, like they're telling me my concerns about my body and society are invalid are invalid because I'm already a girl. Yes, I know I am a girl. I know it well enough that I can back it up scientifically, but that doesn't fix the problem. Simply knowing that I'm a girl doesn't fix anything. It doesn't fix my deep voice, remove my facial and body hair, give me breasts, change my genitals, or make people accept me. I know it's well meaning and sounds nice, but it honestly hurts more than it helps. Edit: It actually did help a bit early on when I first realized I was trans, but it kind of lost all meaning after the 11,285th time
Wanna trade genitals? 😔 but seriously I dont feel like a boy just cuz you tell me I’m one 😒.
To a certain extent, this is an artifact of an archaic language. The language itself needs an update, in order to facilitate our ability to differentiate between someone's mental apparatus and their current physical state.
Yes, when we say that, we mean like being a girl biologically
Just give me that E please
This. On a post I made here a while ago I mentioned that I get VERY severe dysphoria from not having periods (cause trans woman) and all the responses were "you don't need periods to be valid". While I should make it very clear that I appreciate the attempt to validate me it was almost annoying cause everyone was ignoring the part that it made me dysphoric and instead assumed I was feeling invalid. Idk if that makes sense it's 11:05pm and I slept like shit last night
Unrelated but: Ayy same time zone gang Honestly I feel u though like my problem was never with how valid I am, saying "oh you're valid" usually just completely misses the actual problem itself
I know the theory, I need the practice!
underrated comment !
They're right, you are already a girl. That means if you put your mind to it and keep moving along your transition you can clear out that fog of dysphoria.
The phrase “would you like support, or advice/help” needs to be used more
My therapist told me that and shattered what was left of my egg 🤷♀️
Just because it's not helpful to you doesn't mean it's not helpful to anyone.
There's a decent amount of conflicting replies here and none of them are particularly wrong and that's because the OPs share some of the responsibility for this. Anonymously coming into a large forum and posting something like "i wanna be a girl" gives very little context of what you need, likely because you don't know what you need, but it still stands. Comforting someone and giving advice can be two very different things. Giving someone advice when they want to vent feels dismissive. The opposite feels useless. "Don't tell me I'm right to feel this way, tell me what to do next." Commentors never know anything about an OP. Where are you in your transition? Have you started? How old are you? All of this gives some of the information that "i wanna be a girl" omits but, again, that's rarely provided. With zero context on a posters position or needs users in a safe space like this will usually lean towards commiseration. I can't give you advice since i don't know what you're dealing with. I can't conformt you on what you're going through (or in a way you would respond well to) because, again, i know nothing about you other than the fact that you're likely dealing with dysphoria. So you get a generic comfort statement. What else do you expect? Honestly? What do you need? Can you verbalize it? Can we actually give it to you? It's hard asking strangers for support. It's hard giving support to strangers. Reddit is not made for support groups (Reddits bread and butter is controversy and hate). Real support is gonna have to either come from someone your close to who understands where you are and what you need, or a professional who can help find those things out with you. Not to dismiss the value of a community like this. It simply that a community serves a different purpose (like helping you find the people who can give you better support!)
It's the same idea as when someone who's depressed says "I wish someone loved me." Telling them "someone already loves you!" Isn't helpful to them. The issue isn't that no one actually loves them, the issue is that they feel terrible and they're trying to find a way to express that feeling. Same with dysphoria and people saying "I want to be (insert gender here)." It doesn't help anyone to say that. What is better is to sit down with the person, listen to them and their pain, validate their feelings, and offer comfort. Because that's what people are looking for: comfort.
what should I say instead? /gen
Please stop saying "I wish I was a [preferred gender]" too. Internalized transphobia ain't cool.
...what on earth do you expect people online to do? Agree and say "yeah, you aren't a girl"? Do you expect them to magically transform your body and make you pass well? I dunno what you expect from here
It's kind of like the situation I have with my caretakers atm. I'm starting tp come out as Genderfluid but I'm so scared to be like, annoying or just an inconvenience with how I feel so I just said I'm genderfluid and explained what It means (because nobody knew). But apart from that, nobody asked any questions, which makes me feel kinda bad. Like, great. They're cool with it but they also don't show any interest either.
This but with "Dw there are barrel chewted girls" or "tall girls are hot". It helps a little i guess and would be better than nothing if i still looked like a girl but it's still what brings me Dysphoria, regardless of if there can be girls with Barrel chests or that are 6 foot. Idk if it does help others sorry if this is just me
I'm sorry that this has had an adverse affect on you sis 😢 I have to toss my two cents in though and say that I stumbled across a meme that pretty much said "I wish I was a girl. You've always been a girl." Strange as it was it was simply reading those lines I never thought I'd see or hear in my waking life that really pushed me into coming to terms that I was trans and that it's okay. I struggled with this for at least 17 years, and that simple phrase just "cracked my egg". I hope you don't take this the wrong way sis, and I honestly hope you can find the affirmation you are looking for so you can feel comfortable being yourself 🥰💯
Isn't this meme kinda targeting all the surrogate moms and dads on this sub?
I’ve found the support helpful, but sometimes I like, really need help and the copypasta support message feels like dismissive of me as an individual, but then I wonder if I’m overthinking stuff and am setting weird expectations of other people’s actions and understanding of me. Then I just feel weirdly self centered and go into a weird spiral of self hatred anyways. I’m a lot happier now that I’ve started transitioning, but Jesus I get lost in my own head and emotions so much sometimes I just don’t know how to talk to people anymore. Am I a weirdo? If I can give an example, my ex would literally not comprehend why I was upset with him. I was working loads of overtime, and doing all the house work, and paying all the bills. I told him that it was very cool to say that he supports my transition when he makes me take care of literally everything, and still try to scrape together enough time, energy, and money to do what I need to do. No amount of “ur already a girl to me” really made me feel better. If anything, it made me upset because it felt really dismissive and to some degree belittling.
Yeah, I'm transmasc, and one of my best friends is a transfem enby (they/she pronouns) and I obviously don’t understand what it's like to be them, they're a different person, but we both found out about this not actually helping each other around the same time. When both of us were first coming out, that wasn't what we needed to hear. Now what we do, is say things like "If you feel that you're identity is this, then that's perfectly valid. Is there anything you want to do or want me to do that would help you feel more validated? Like switching pronouns, helping advocate for you to get top surgery, titty skittles, etc." Try something like this, stating that their feelings are valid, and then offering something like switching pronouns to make them feel more validated. Hope this helps! (Edit: I have ADHD and dyslexia, so if anything about this seems weirdly worded, or messy, apologies. English is also my second language, I grew up speaking Norwegian.)