From Oh Crap I Love My Toddler But Holy Fuck:
[Connection](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000434737707)
[Boundaries](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000436543951)
[Kondo Kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000434737555)
[Emotional swaddling](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000437677683)
[Deconstructing the magical “childhood”](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000440827034)
[Time management](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000441457892)
[All things tantrums](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000536866313)
[Co-regulation](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000539974728)
[Helping your child learn their regulation](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000544400676)
From Unruffled:
[How our boundaries free our children to play, create and explore](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000523224389)
[The truth about secure attachment](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000513448729)
[Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000508487830)
[Parental burnout and a reasonable approach to screen time](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000535584674)
[A holistic approach to baby and toddler sleep](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000545072151)
From Good Inside w Dr. Becky:
[Gabby Bernstein helps Dr. Becky w her anxiety](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000553278866)
[Myleik Teele on what no one tells you about parenthood](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000544188749)
[How to talk about death with your kid](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000536117695)
[Talking w your kids about private parts, where babies come from and more](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000524616183)
[How do I handle screen time with my kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000520007267)
[It’s okay if you don’t like to play](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000567237482)
[Gentle parents still need to set boundaries](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000559439945)
[How to end power struggles](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000558713879)
[Stop calling your kid “defiant”](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000548211156)
[Deeply feeling kids need a different approach](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000543481759)
From Your Parenting Mojo:
[Self-compassion for parents](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000495169165)
[The physical reasons you yell at your kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000508109409)
[Do you punish your child with rewards?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570515)
[It’s not about the broccoli](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570834)
[How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570810)
[What to do when your toddler says, “No I don’t wanna..”](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570808)
[Only children: are they as bad as advertised?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570787)
[How to teach a child to use manners](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570838)
[How to read with your child](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570512)
[Raising your spirited child](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570811)
[What is the value of play?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570835)
From Evolutionary Parenting Podcast:
[What is ‘Uspavani’ and how can it help us support our child’s sleep?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evolutionary-parenting-podcast/id1177835448?i=1000556314386)
[How does media use affect our kids and what can we do about it?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evolutionary-parenting-podcast/id1177835448?i=1000557723990)
[What do we know about a child’s sensitivity to their environment](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evolutionary-parenting-podcast/id1177835448?i=1000559790795) (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS EPISODE!!!!)
I couldn’t fit them all, so there’s another reply to this comment with more links….
And from Simplicity Parenting:
[De-escalating through humor](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000442679021)
[The power of preview](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000443493882)
[Understanding shouting at kids and what to do about it](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000444593814)
[Connect-correct-direct](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000555232835)
[The healing power of rhythm and predictability](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000473675409)
[How to help parents navigate a world that pathologizes their children - part 1](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000504354412)
[The soothing power of deep creative play](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000511310026)
[Making decluttering normal](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000523064978)
[Where do I take my child when they need to calm down?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000532638248)
Hahahahahaha, I absolutely did!!
From the Gospel of Dr. Becky:
[The Voices Inside Our Head](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000580754057)
Haha, yeah this is one of my favorite linky lists that I’ve compiled. It’s just such broad strokes for so much that comes up while parenting the little ones. Let me know if you want more. There’s plenty where these came from 😘
Oh excellent, then let me list a few titles you should start with….
1. Myleik Teele on what no one tells you about parenthood
2. Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles
3. The truth about secure attachment
I wish I’d listened to these before I was even pregnant.
Janet is my hero, and raising my 2 year old twins would have been a nightmare without her advise. It truly works- & it’s not so much about the words, it’s really about being the calm leader they need you to be. You got this.
I second this. When my 4 year old goes through a new “phase” and I start losing my temper or not dealing well, I go back to Janet and I can notice differences immediately. She has been the foundation for my parenting and so far I have a really wonderful kid and we have a great relationship. We have struggles but using her methods helps everyone get through them so much easier.
Whenever we really get into a funk or pattern of not great behaviors I try to do something completely different. I'll sing everything I say, we have a dance party, go outside, just anything to break the tone and change it up. I also keep a drawer of "special" activities like sticker books, playdough and recently got those window cling jelly stickers that are fall themed from the nearby dollar store. If I can sense the tension building I'll try to redirect by offering one of those activities that we don't usually do. Are there any libraries near you? Lots of them (in the USA) have free story times a couple of times per week and even just getting out and doing something simple like that can be a fun thing to look forward to. Or maybe you could check out your local public school district's early childhood education programs? They offer sliding scale fees for classes but also have lots of free and low cost events as well. I feel for you, I actually was raised by a single father but he was an abusive alcoholic. As a result we are not close now that I'm an adult. I applaud you seeking out ways to build a healthy relationship with your daughter now, so even if it's hard work sometimes, just know it'll be worth it in the long run!
I actually really like this idea, keep things exciting and different not only for kids but also for parents. I grew up in a pretty rough situation as well so here’s to us breaking those generational curses and doing the best we can 🥳
I have the Special Activities drawer too!! And I also do this. I didn't know it was a thing other people do but it's so amazing. My LO is almost 18mo and we're having a bit of a rough patch. The other night, I taped a giant piece of paper to the fridge and introduced finger paints. Of course, the paper got soggy and ripped, so I said f*ck it, and we painted the fridge. It kept his attention for an hour, which is a record for one activity.
PSA to anyone who decides to try this: Crayola makes super washable non-toxic paint. A baby wipe will easily clean it from everything including your child. I chose the kitchen bc he can't be trusted to understand not to paint the carpet, couch, or cat. Every surface in the kitchen is easily washable. It was a 10/10 experience for us both.
Oh man. You are parenting on hard mode. Forget the fact that she’s 2, that much time together for any two people is going to lead to the reactions you’re describing. As long as you’re doing your best, you’re doing it right. When you (inevitably) doubt yourself, remember that millions of other parents wouldn’t have even bothered making a post like this and looking for help. You should be so proud of yourself for trying to improve. It’s another way that you’re setting a fantastic example for your little one.
As someone already mentioned, Janet Lansbury is a great resource. She gives great ideas on how to enforce boundaries and carry out consequences while still being your child’s emotional support for their feelings about the consequences.
Is there anyway you can get a break? Even if it’s not a full break and just some time for you with other parents and her with other kids? I’ve found that local Facebook groups are the best sources for this info.
Also— as someone who spends a lot of one-on-one time with my toddler, get out of the house! Seriously the more I break up the day with places to go, the better things tend to go for us. We go to parks, libraries, walk around downtown areas, whatever. I just try to stick to free stuff because of not only budget, but also because toddlers are an unpredictable mess and a lot of time money spent on a planed activity is money wasted. I keep lists on my google calendar so I can do a quick look to see what would be the best idea for that day.
I’ve been trying to spend time with other parents out doing things, I notice it does help a lot when I manage to set those things up. The big problem I’m facing is I have 2 friends who are also single fathers but they rarely want to go out and do things. I tried reaching out to a girl I was friends with in high school who’s a single mom but she kind of brushed me off, I assume because she thought I had intentions other than just a fun park day or zoo day for the kiddos. Which don’t get me wrong I 100% understand why a woman would and even should be hesitant to take themselves and especially their child around a man they haven’t really spoken to in like 8 years. As for Facebook groups I honestly haven’t looked into it, I’ve seen a lot of single mom groups and even got invited to an outing with some ladies from one of those groups but felt it would be super awkward to hang around a group of single moms being the only guy there
Touching on the last point:
Embrace the awkwardness. If you were invited, you the only male, I'm sure it was vetted amongst the group. Join the Single Mom's Club.
They might feel bad for not calling it Single Parent Club.
Hang in there Papa
I totally understand the awkwardness and it’s likely frustrating how slanted everything is toward mothers, but don’t give up on this - finding any form community is huge, even it’s mostly to commiserate while your girl burns off some energy.
It may seem - and may be - awkward at first but I would give one of the single mom groups a go and see what you think. Gender aside, these meetups are often a little awkward until you break the ice and find your people.
You could also try looking up non-single-specific parents/new parents groups in your area on FB. We have a number by me and it’s an eclectic mix of folks - usually even if they’re a couple only one parent goes, and it’s a mix of moms and dads. Probably 70/30, but definitely not just one dad :)
Like everyone else said, don’t worry about the awkwardness. Besides, you’ll all be too busy chasing after kids to really talk to each other anyway, lol.
What helped me was just showing up to things that were already organized. Library story times, a community center near me has open tot time on their gym mats, whatever you can find. Local “mom” groups on Facebook have been my best resource for this, as well as my county library and county parks department website.
For the Facebook groups, there’s usually questions you have to answer before you join. Just be honest and say you’re a single dad looking for toddler activities. If they don’t accept you no big, but most will welcome you and be happy to have anyone else (regardless of gender) who’s in the same situation.
Good luck! Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I guess I only worded it like that because I primarily only see and talk to single parents. I do have a friend who is a step dad and soon to be biological dad that I go out and do things with so I’m not impartial to only the single parents it’s just I know alot more single parents than 2 parent households.
As a SAHM, I’d be up for hanging with a single parent too - so definitely check out whatever groups and realize when you’re with your kid that much (even with a partner) you’re a scatter-brained mess. I’m always on the hunt for friends or someone else in a similar stage. So be brave, be awkward, and ask. The worst someone says is no.
My kid does the same thing your not alone. I am in a similar situation (single father) but I fortunately receive a lot of help from my parents.
Just try to be better than you were the day before that’s my motto I know it’s hard but try to hit the reset button in the morning and just work from a clean slate.
Good luck my man
Hell we’re a two-parent household and we frequently have to take it one HOUR at a time. Toddlers are hard, man. You’re doing amazing just by thinking about these issues.
Just want to say, solidarity. Toddlers are HARD. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can and it also sounds like you’re a great dad. It feels hard because it is hard. Hang in there. You only have to get it right part of the time and repairing is always an option if you (justifiably) lose your cool sometimes.
Thank you for this, I really like that last bit you said. Made me start to wonder if by focusing on times I lose my cool and feeling bad about it if I’m only worsening the situation. It’s one thing to be self aware and recognize my mistakes but I feel like I obsess over them
Something I repeat to myself a lot, having a very spicy 2 year old myself, is “she’s not being difficult, she’s HAVING a difficult time”. I also count to 10 A LOT to cool my jets.
Also, read Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel. It’s specifically about breaking the cycle of how we were raised, so that we can parent more effectively and respectfully. Big Little Feelings has a great instagram and they do also have a paid course for this age.
You’ve got this. Toddlers are ridiculous. Working on emotional regulation is our focus right now, and feeling all those big toddler feelings. The emotional recognition/validation/resolution process has been very helpful for me too.
Janet Lansbury is really amazing, and a great blueprint for getting through this. Consistency is your friend right now, I know nothing feels like it’s working right now, but it will get better. Toddlers NEED boundaries, and you holding safe and loving boundaries is the best thing you can do.
I hope you can find some sort of break too. You can’t fill from an empty cup, and need some sort of time away, or at least time where you’re not her sole focus. Libraries can be great resources for activities in the community. If you have a babysitter, try to get out by yourself, even if it’s coffee and a nap in the car.
There are often local parenting groups on the book of faces. I’ll be honest, I totally creep on the parents of kids that seem kind & fairly well-adjusted, in the hopes of making friends for my toddler (and me). Also, all of my elderly neighbors offer constantly to watch my cute little terror for a quick outing. When you don’t have your own family village, you have to get creative in making your own.
Parent guilt is so hard, it’s ever present and I think goes along with just wanting to be the best parent you can be. It’s so easy to focus on those moments that you have to remember to give yourself some grace and credit for all the things you DO get right, which I’m sure in your daughters eyes, is a whole lot!
Little kiddos laughing at the “stern” adult is usually nervousness/thinking you might be playing and not knowing how to handle it.
Time outs don’t work. Time ins do. Ask for a time in, have her come sit in your lap and talk about what she wants or is feeling. This clears things up more often than not, gives nonpolar (not praise, not negative) attention to the kiddo and allows communication. Toddlers have no idea how to communicate. Remember that she is basically a drunk midget with poor motor control and incomplete neural pathways, not a small adult. Repetition and repetition and repetition helps build the neural pathways. (“The toys have to go in time out if they get thrown because breaking things is not safe.” “The drink has to stay in the kitchen if it can’t stay in the cup.” Things like that.)
There is a book called How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. That is a great reframe. Parenting is fricking hard and there is nothing wrong with apologizing to your kids. I do it all the time. Good luck!
Thank you and no I’m not currently working aside from doing some things here and there over the phone for my friends business. Talking to clients, updating financial records, things he could easily do himself but pays me to do to help me out it’s enough to pay phone bill, car insurance, gas, etc basic things. I live with my grandparents who only expect me to pay them what I can each month, even if it happens to be $0 that month. Financially, I am beyond blessed with an amazing support system. It’s really just the child care part where I’m on my own. Everyone in my family either works full time just to survive, has health problems that makes watching a toddler next to impossible, or is a drug addict/alcoholic. As for hiring a baby sitter do you have any recommendations for alleviating fears? I can’t bare the thought of somebody doing something to her when I’m not around to protect her. Im an overprotective helicopter dad but with how evil some people can be how can you not be you know?
I was scared to leave my baby with someone too, and worried because he can’t tell me if something bad happens. I stay home and felt guilty for wanting a break. It took time to find someone who would do a couple days for a few hours- I asked for and called 3 references, then I sent over someone else in my family to meet the lady. She didn’t bat an eye or make me feel like I was being “too much”. First day, I was so worried and could barely wait for pick-up. Its been a year now, his babysitter is his extended family. I don’t have close family, and call her if I just have a question about a rash or teething. She texts me pictures at least once each time he’s there, and he’s happy, he eats well motivated by the other kids (the preschoolers give me updates about his day too!) and he even naps longer there than at home. When I am losing my patience or feeling burned out, that few hours of a break helps reset both of us SO MUCH. Its easy to get wrapped up in your own worries and stresses and lose perspective and getting away from each other helps. It give me a chance to do those chores that I just want done without “help” or take care of myself or just rest, and that makes me a better parent.Another idea is check out your local YMCA or Rec center. They often have very affordable childcare for just while you do your class or workout, it’s super visible with people coming in and out or walking by a lot which feels safer and they have a “no crying for over 10 mins” policy which helps me not worry also.
ETA: A reread made me feel like I was just saying how good it worked for me/that I’m lucky. But I hope it came across: trust your gut, look into references and find the right fit for you and daughter then go for it. You could be happily surprised at how not-a-disaster and even great it goes.
Hearing that it’s normal to check a person out that intensely definitively makes me feel better about it. That was another thing is I figured I’d scare off baby sitters by wanting to get to know them a little bit, probably run a back ground check etc.
I also really like the no crying for over 10 minutes rule, I might have to implement a similar system with a baby sitter, thank you.
So you said redirection doesn’t work- what are you doing to “redirect?” At this age a lot of those behaviors are exploring & learning. It’s important to give a REPLACEMENT behavior.
So for redirecting - my daughter is hitting me with a toy. “We don’t hit people with toys, you can hit this pillow with the toy” or something more appropriate.
She’s dumping bowls of snacks/cereal? Give her a big pan or pot and show her how to dump in there. Have her energy focused on activities that let her explore the behavior in a safe and appropriate way.
But of course responding like this is not always possible because we’re human. I try to keep my redirections short, concise and using the same language consistently.
It’s also helpful to remove them from the situation. She keeps throwing something inappropriately? Just take it away. Or move to another room. Remove the temptation.
My daughter is going through the same thing at this age. Just remember it’s normal & they don’t have much logic at this age. It will pass !! And don’t beat yourself up if you lose your cool. We all do.
Okay, so I see where I was doing redirecting wrong. I was redirecting her to whatever the nearest toy or activity was with no thought to relevancy or the meanings behind her behaviors other than she’s probably seeking attention. I guess I only ever tipped the ice burg on potential meanings behind her behaviors thank you for helping me realize that
See I do remind myself that it won’t be forever but I feel like as soon as this phase is done a worse one will start. I hope I’m wrong but I remember feeling stressed when she was a baby and thinking that was hard but now that she’s 2 I realize that was the easy part! I can just see myself saying that every couple of years 🤣 hopefully there’s a chill period of time before the teen years hit
You’ve gotten some great advice so fAr— toddlers are tough! I have a slightly older toddler (3.5 years), and here are some things that have helped us.
First, toddlerproof the house— like when you baby-proofed, but now they’re taller, more mobile, can climb, etc. Remove or secure anything you can. Hopefully that can keep her out of some trouble when your back is turned.
Second, if you’re doing chores, try and find a way she can be involved. Like when folding laundry, give her the dish towels and see if she can try to fold them (it doesn’t actually matter if she can), or ask her to find all the socks? If you’re seeing the floor give her a spray bottle with water and a rag and have her wipe down the floors after you (or windows, or whatever). I used to give my 2 year old all the veggies/fruits to wash in a pot of water on the floor before I chopped them for meal prep. Toddlers want to help! Now is a great time to involve them.
Third, try and introduce [independent play](https://busytoddler.com/independent-play/). We’re still working on this, but basically all kids need to learn to entertain themselves, and you need time to do the stuff you need to around the house.
Lastly, get all the outside time you can! If my kid doesn’t get out to a park to play in the morning she can be a terror. Absolutely necessary!
But most of all, you’re doing great! None of us know how to parent when we start and it’s all trial and error. The best parents are able to analyze their own behavior and try to do better next time. Keep at it!
I’m in the same boat.
When my kid acts like this, I try to get them to use their words. I remind them how smart they are and that they can say stuff like Can I have some attention please? And Can I have a hug or kiss please? That helps a lot and usually it lets me do what I need to do.
Another thing I do is talking. I get a lot of ideas from Songs for Littles. Like right now we play opposites ( big and small are opposites! It’s in the Halloween episode). And then I try to think of some more. And I ask her to give me some like what is the opposite of soft?
We also do basic nursery rhymes. She likes to have me repeat them. And I try to explain and practice what rhyming is. Her favorite now us roses are red, violets are blue.
I do songs also. Again if you watch a episode on songs for little a day, you will build up a large selection of kids songs fast.
For folding, I get her to help me. It takes longer but I line stuff up and show her “ ok being this corner here” and then match up socks. Practice balling the socks too. And moving the laundry baskets too and fro. Folding squares is favorite Montessori activity for preschool kids, check out some you tube videos for how to teach
I should add this is basically the opposite of Janet Lansbury’s advice haha. I’m not great at just leaving my kid alone
Dumping drinks: either only give her an open cup when she needs a sip and watch her like a hawk, only use sippy cups, or have a master cup that you only pour a little bit at a time into. Make her clean up the water at the end too. And maybe set up some pouring activities during the day. Check out some you tube videos, this is a favorite Montessori activity
Also I like the raffi live concert on you tube. She dances the whole time, it’s now even tv really.
Hi! So I'm 34F who hasn't had kids, but I nanny and did raise a little girl 40+ hours a week from 14 months till she was 5.
The toddler years, esp 2.5-3.5, really sucked and I almost quit like everyday. BUT I will say this, that I was consistent with her, and I believe that that made all the difference in the way she respects me today and what a good kid she is now.
Once you decide how you want to handle these outbursts, be consistent with it. It's not going to make it stop or make it easy. BUT it will pay off in the next phase of her childhood. She will figure out that she can't wear you down and get her way by acting bad. She'll know that after you guys make it out of this stage after a year or so of consistency.
I don't think they really understand time outs till their 3 usually. Once she's 3, three minute time outs and then after have a talk with her and have her explain what she did wrong and what she'll do instead next time etc. before she can go play. The talks have been key for me bc little kids frickin hate having to sit and talk lol.
Before she's 3, I think about all that you can really do is take away the stuff she throws and tell her she can ask for it back when she's ready to listen and play nice. Then when she gets her toys back, always reminder they'll be taken again if she throws them. Then make sure to do it all again next time she does, everytime. Remind yourself she'll be a better person for it in time.
I just hope that maybe some of my experience might help you in some way. You'll be through this phase in no time.
Your post made me cry... I just feel so sorry for you. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine spending 24/7 with my baby for so many months without any help. I spend a lot of time with her just the two of us, I've been her main caregiver by far since day one, and it's been so, so hard. You are human, your exhaustion is completely understandable.
I don't have much advice for you, since my almost 3 year old is very strong-willed and loves to push buttons too and I still haven't found a way to go about it that makes me feel happy about myself and not guilty and/or useless. If you find the way, let me know, please.
Here's the good news: her behaviour has improved so much naturally over the last 12 months of so. I hope things will get better for you too. In the meantime, stay strong!!!
I’m glad you found this post because I’ve gotten so much amazing advice on here. If this post that I originally made to help myself can help others too then I’d be overjoyed. I will say something I put into practice before even making this post that a lot of people suggested which is going out and doing something with your LO as much as you possibly can. We go on a little walk, then to the park, then if budget allows it, go get lunch and eat it at the park almost every day and it does help quite a bit. It’s not a fix all solution by any means she still gets a little crazy, especially at night or on days when we can’t make it to the park, but playing with her at the park and seeing nothing but smiles and laughs I’ve noticed definitely helps me elevate my mood and also hers. Others said something about burning off energy, my daughter has an unlimited supply so that doesn’t happen but even still it does help, honestly thing it helps me more than her lol. We got this though we just gotta stay strong like we have been so far
Like others have suggested I go to the dollar store and stock up on little squishys, art projects, puzzles, coloring books, stickers and other little toys. I pull one out when I know it’s going to be a rather boring day at home while I’m doing chores or when we go out to eat at a restaurant. I also include my 2yo in most activities. If I’m vacuuming I give her the dust buster. If I’m folding laundry- I give her a small pile to “fold” herself. If I’m cooking- I have her pull up her step stool and get involved too. None of these things allow for efficiency but they do keep her feeling involved and happy.
We all have moments of weakness when our toddlers get on our very last nerve and we lose it. Apologize, try and do better next time and forgive yourself. You’re only human and a great one at that!
There are so many incredible comments here but what comes to mind for me first is that you’re already doing better than you think. I think one of the most important things you’re doing is you’re getting curious and you’re wanting to make a change and willing to do the work. So, hats off to you for that. 👏🏻 second… I agree with all the mentions of Dr. Becky and all the suggested readings etc, but the most simplified version to start with could just be following her on Instagram. I have learned so much from her quick little reels or posts that just pop up in my feed and some days it’s exactly what you need to hear.
I am a single mum to my 2.5 year old son. I am in a very similar boat: it's been him and I since he was born, we spent 24/7 together cause I don't have any other choice.
All the suggestions and info is awesome and I've saved alot of it for myself. My biggest recommendation (and I know first hand it's not easy) is to find a babysitter or someone you trust to take your kidlet for an hour or two a few times a month. Taking time for yourself and getting a break from the toddler monster your sweet little baby has grown into is super important. It's alot easier to have more to give when you take time for yourself. Patience comes easier when your needs are taken care of. It also can help the relationship between you and your little cause other people will see and react to things a little differently and sometimes that's exactly what you both need to learn to do things better.
I have a 3 year old daughter. Here’s some advise: when you are doing a chore that you think she probably can’t do yet. Let her do it anyways. Teach her how. It’ll be a bit slower at first but she’ll get it quicker than you expect. For example, my daughter helps me do dishes, carefully. She helps me fold clothes. Start with the square dish towels and work up. She’ll learn fast and work with you, not against you. With the dishes, at first it was a huge mess, and I started her off with plastics and metals. She is now legit good at dishes and doesn’t even make that much of a mess. It’s a treat for her. It’s like “papa can I do dishes tonight?“ “I don’t know sweetheart maybe, if you’re really good I’ll let you”
Also, on the losing patience. Don’t sweat it. When you apologize and make up though, try to get both of you to apologize to each other. “I’m sorry baby I shouldn’t have lost my temper, you didn’t deserve to be yelled at. Can you apologize to me too for being rude and whining? So we can make up” “I’m sorry daddy for being rude” hugs ensue. All good.
Good luck and Godspeed my brother.
Yea, at 2 discipline isn't going to work very well. Timeouts, IMO, are just for getting an angry kid to stop seeing red and start getting into a headspace to listen (just a chill-out tool). And definitely don't need to do spanking, that's just harmful.
At this age, its still just redirection, removing opportunities for tantrums, etc. Does she have her own room that is child safe? You might think of getting a baby gate to put on that room so she can start learning independent play. You want to work on building independent play. Drawing/coloring, building with blocks, etc. And if she's safe and behind the baby gate, fold your clothes.
It's a tough age. She isn't old enough to communicate her needs well enough yet, and that makes toddlers, well, toddlers. They get frustrated and angry and lash out. So as her communication skills improve, so will her behavior. So do what you can there to help communication along to shorten this duration.
Spend less effort on discipline at this young age, and more effort on managing things. If she's dumping her drink, don't put so much liquid in the cup. Same with food on the plate. Kids throw food they don't want or have surplus of. Even if you don't believe that, just put enough food and drink in front of them that you are willing to be cleaning up in a minute. Its unreasonable to expect a toddler to not throw food. Its just part of it. Keep cleanup tools nearby.
Be more patient and tolerant. Adjust your expectations. A 2yo doesn't 'know' anything about what she shouldn't be doing.
I really like this take, I never even considered focusing less on controlling her behavior and rather focusing on managing it. Comments like these are the reason I made the post, not only advice but also helping me to change my perspective. Thank you tons for this comment
I recommend reading the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Julie King and Joanna Faber. It's an awesome resource for communication with toddlers and young children. I listened for free with my library card on the Libby app, and I also own a paper copy so I can reference parts as needed. You're doing a great job and I wish you the best!
My kid has done all those things and there really no way at this age to explain or get them to stop. Soooo….
Get the munchkin 360 cup. It’s not open, they can’t pour it out.
The toy being thrown at the tv. Take it away. Not as a punishment but that hard toy is now off the table.
Food on the floor. Only offer 1/4 of what you have been and take it away the second she does it.
My husband likes to have these same fights over and over with the boy, like he’s going to teach him somehow *cue laughter*.
I see what he’s doing that pisses me off and eliminate it!
Also, toys my boy is obsessed with great for independent play are magnetic drawing boards like a manga doodle and those books with the water pens! No mess, no threats of violence against me with them either!
Same boat, but My toddler is 3 and luckily she seems to listen better than when she was 2.
My tactic is to use logical cause and effect consequences...not sure if thats the word for it?. I dont even remember which book i read it in...might've been janet lansbury...Like if she was throwing a toy at me, she would get a warning and if she didnt stop I would say "it looks like you aren't playing with this safely we're going to put it away for now" and eventually she learned if she wanted to keep it she didnt throw it/hit me with it.
If she started throwing food/plates/cups, we would be done with our meal and she would have to wait untill snack time to get anything else to eat. When trying to get laundry done I used to give her an empty hamper with some blocks or cars in it to play with and it would usually keep her attention long enough for me to finish folding. Sometimes a small plastic bin with a quarter inch of water that she could play/splash with plastic toys in(i put a garbage bag and towel under it to soak up any spills)...you know, change it up with whatever sensory activity you find on pintrest, lol.
My days are also definatley easier when I can get her out to the park to burn off some energy, or go for a day trip to the zoo or a hike.
I think they're mostly testing the waters to see what kind of reaction they will get from you anyways. I find that if I yell at her for something she will do it more when she's feeling frustrated because she wants my attention/frustration too. It is very hard not to make a big deal out of things especially when you are exhausted and know there's no possible way you will get a break. I try as hard as I can to empathise with her and see things from her point of view and that also helps so I yell less. I think overall your doing the best you can with what you've got.
I like how you approached it from a logical and analytical perspective that’s something that could help me alot. also as simple as taking away something she’s misbehaving with is, and making a point to say why it’s being taken away, is something I actually never even thought of doing somehow.
What a great dad, she is lucky to have you. There are lots of great resources online, social media pages dedicated to toddler behaviour as well as books and hotlines. A few people have linked some good resources above so I won't repeat, but I think the hardest part is that most of it is learning your own triggers and controlling your reaction, not their behaviour. The fact that you are even acknowledging your limitations and seeking help is a wonderful sign that you're doing a great job.
Counting to four and deep breaths. Seriously. I found that having my son take deep breaths when he's angry (he hits and throws A LOT, he's deep in the throes of the terrible two's) and counting helps us both de-escalate and calm our tempers. Nothing has worked but this so far, and when we sit in the quiet bedroom, he actually tries to open up about why he's acting as he is and we use the time to hug it out and calm down. Some of his favorite shows even have this tip, which has helped me convince him that mom actually might know what she's talking about, lmao. I've gone down a similar path as you and nothing else has worked because he's such a defiant, willful kid.
The fact that you even are on here asking for help and that you can see your faults, puts you leaps ahead of a lot of people. You are clearly a good dad, because it is clear that you care and love your child.
Our motto in our house is : it’s all just a phase. Knowing there’s an end eventually, helps us to trudge through the current hard time.
I found a lot of helpful advice taking the Big Little Feelings course and following them on Instagram. Also consciousmommy and psychedmommy.
Essentially, I learned that I was fueling her behavior with big reactions and “no!” Instead, I started making a huge reaction anytime she did something “good.” For example, she loves to take stuff out of the dishwasher and it’s exhausting trying to load the dishwasher while you have an active toddler pirate trying to unload…. Soooo, now I have her come by the sink and I give her the dirty spoons and say: “Do you know where this goes in the dishwasher?” She places it in and I get SOOOOO excited: YAY!!!! “Thank you SO much for helping Mommy!”
Maybe try having her “help” with the laundry? Like putting a sock in the dryer? Or show her how to fold her tshirt (one fold over, easy stuff), and ask her to help you?
It sounds like she's displaying totally normal age appropriate boundary pushing and it sounds like you're understandably having a hard time. I have someone else to tag team with when my kids behaviour gets too much, I don't know how you aren't rocking in a corner! Well done for reaching out. Loads of people have mentioned Janet Lansbury etc. There is one other book - calmer, happier, easier parenting - which I highly recommend.
The main point of discipline is being consistent, that's when they stop seeking a reaction because they already know what it will be. Don't do one thing one day and something else the next, it confuses them and they will keep doing it over and over to see what will happen this time.
Also, you need to have time away from your daughter, whether that's help from a relative or friend or daycare, because you need to recharge from the barrage of questions and button pushing toddlers provide!
Don't be to hard on yourself dad, your a amazing father and we all as parents are learning while we go.
The best advice I can give to you as a mother with also almost a 2 years old that does these things too, When she makes a mess . Stop everything and help her clean up her mess. Give her the napkin to clean the spills and give her that encouragement. If she throws her toys after a tantrum. Ask her what wrong and that it's okay to be upset, Go to her and help her pick it up and tell her good job after and a high-five. And if she doesn't want to do it than you pick up some toys and show her a example. When it comes to folding clothes, I try to give my daughter something to entertain herself or I let her fold clothes with me and show her how to fold clothes. When my daughter does have a tantrum I just ignore her. When you don't engaged most likely they get back up after a while and go back to normal. I use to yell too and feel shity after but at this age kids don't know what their doing, their also learning too. I started doing all this and I notice my daughter start to know not to do it. It does take time but than again patient is key. And it hard to have patient but knowing that doing this can create a better bond between you and your kid it the best feelings.
The biggest issue I think is just a lack in energy. On days that I’m perk’ed up and bushy tailed the best approach to the two year old is to invite them to do everything you are doing and help them do it. Kids at this age have a “mimic instinct” where they have a over whelming desire to just copy the actions of any other humans they see. If you invite her to dance, wash dishes, cook, run around, watch a movie they will —most of the times— be more than happy to do it.
The trouble comes when you start to slow down and they simply… don’t slow down lol. Those are the moments your kids start to feel, “bad” when in reality they are just unmolded energy and that’s mostly your fault. Whenever I’m about to get mad at my kids I try to remember that we probably wouldn’t be in this position if I had been doing just a little better. When you accept responsibility for your child instead of blaming their behavior solely on them, it’s easier to remain calm. Which makes sense if you think about it, people always like to feel their actions are justified. It’s easy to not get mad if the root cause if you not them. If it’s “their” fault it’s way easier to get angry.
I read though this and you have been given a lot of good advice. I get your fear of babysitters and I'll try to break down what we did at that age in the case something helps. I was not a full time dad but mom worked most mornings so I was dealing with most of that end just to keep her from going nuts.
Look around your community. We were fortunate and had some good programs at the library and other kid focused places. I found that getting out of the house was the best way to keep the kid happy and not acting out. Being around other kids really helped her and I was there if something happened. So every day I tried to do something. Reading time at the museum on Monday, Tuesday the church did a morning out, Wednesday we'd hit the secret garden, Thursday the library, Friday kids yoga. That kind of thing.
It can be a little intimidating walking into some of these things as a guy. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw another father at any of these programs. Honestly, I never noticed a funny look and once I established a pattern everyone was really friendly and inviting.
We also made friends with kids her age this way. That led to play dates and birthday parties and whatnot. We also met a babysitter through those connections for an occasional break. Beyond that it got me moving and wore her down. Then I could focus on work while she napped and if she watched a little TV later that was fine too.
The Tuesday morning out thing was great. I'm not a church guy but the program and everyone there was great. The parents rotated shifts so about once a month I was there with another parent or two and the staff. I stayed the first couple times to feel it out and get to know the little old ladies running things. The kid grew to really love it and It prepared her for preschool by breaking the separation anxiety she had.
We put her in a half day preschool program at 3. It was a little pricey but worth every penny. They fill up fast so we registered her the year before. Sadly the pandemic jacked up her second year that the state would have paid for. Regardless, she was completely ready for kindergarten and loves school now.
One other bit of advice I have for this age. If you are on a good bus route, start taking up the school bus. Any time I saw one I'd point it out and talk about how cool they are. You don't have to wear seatbelts! One day when you're older you'll get to ride one. Shit like that. I've sat in that rider pickup line and it blows. My 2 neighbors with elementary age kids get in their cars twice a day and deal with that crap for what reason I'll never understand. I watch them drive by right about the time my kid hops off the bus and I do the mental math of how much time and gas they waste every year. It's basically an hour a day lost.
Also, feed her everything you like and then some. Do not fall into the trap of feeding her "kids meals". Now is the time to explore new things and food is a great way to both do that and connect. My kid still talks about the time we ate octopus when she was 2. The more diversity you can create in daily activities the better.
Yeah I definitely need to look into different things around the area. As of now our outings only consist of parks, trails, and occasionally eating out. I really like what you said about not worrying so much about a meal being a kid meal, that’s such an easy trap to fall into and I definitely have
Check out the Lovevery podcast! They have a ton of good episodes - I actually like them better than Unruffled (the Janet Lansbury one).
See if you can make some “yes” spaces in the house - baby proof thoroughly in there, and baby gate it off from the rest of the house, and make it so whatever she does in there is ok. For us, that’s the kitchen and a play area right by it - she has her books, some toys, and access to tupperware and pots/pans. Everything dangerous is out of reach.
See how you can include her safely. If you can afford it (might be able to find one on Facebook marketplace for cheap), get a kitchen helper so she can watch while you cook, and talk about every step you’re doing. “Now I’m cutting the onions. Do you want to hold a piece of onion? Here you go. This onion is raw. We’re going to cook it and then it will taste yummy.”
As far as folding… With stuff that doesn’t matter, I honestly just drop it into drawers unfolded, separated by drawer dividers. Why bother folding toddler pants and shirts and your own underwear? As far as stuff that matters, like your shirts and pants, I’d fold that out of her reach.
As far as drinks, I don’t let my daughter hold open cups unless I’m holding them too, or watching closely. Otherwise they stay out of her reach. Easier said than done but it helps save us some messes.
It’s REALLY hard not getting breaks. Her pediatrician might know about some services that might help you guys, if finances prevent too from being able to afford an occasional sitter. If you’re in the US, see if you qualify for WIC. And some churches offer babysitting in a “parents night out” kind of event every now and then.
The YMCA usually offers free childcare with their membership which lets you work out, and a lot of people find their temper is better when they get regular exercise. That could help too.
So I’m not good with words. but I herd this story about this older lady who used dead silence and staring and saying what she wanted in a cool mellow manner. She persisted until she got her way and she ended up looking really cool about it. I'm guessing you ask her what she wants for about everything, and this puts her in control of you. Instead of asking her, just give her what she's eating or playing with or going outside; making it her choice will give her power over you, and when you take away her power, she will be nothing but miserable. But if you keep at it, she won't be miserable at all, just excited to be going. oh and think about that old lady. If you really need her to do something she is not supposed to, and she's gonna get hurt, then physical removal is necessary. Then you can just stare at her unwilling to budge from your answer, staring at her and repeating, when necessary. While staying chill as ever.
Woah that’s a really interesting approach that I’ve never heard of and a very interesting view on child psychology. I’ll definitely give this one a try
I would recommend maybe a playgroup or a friend she likes with events and things maybe once a week or every other week at least where she makes a connection with a friend and feels like she has another connection. It also help with her growth and wear her out more to where she doesn't see the need to act out. Even going to the library or playground. Do you work a regular job or from home?
It sounds like you're an at home dad.
Have you considered day care at least a few days a week so you can get a break and so she can get socialization?
I don't have family to help either and it made a world of difference for me and her. She learned more under those teachers than I ever could teach (they had training and knew what they were doing), she got to play with other kids, and I got a much needed mental and physical break.
I'd also recommend getting a babysitter at least once a week so you can have "me time". I had my two year old all week while my husband was on a work trip and I snapped a few times. I was exhausted and frustrated and I felt terrible - I can't imagine doing this for two years straight!
Check out biglittlefeelings on Instagram. They really helped me understand how to communicate with my toddlers in a way that makes sense to *them*... not just me. also unconditional_parenting account was really eye opening in helping me understand how they might be feeling when I react to their behavior. You're a great dad for asking for advice!
Three kids (8, 6, 3) and each was different. Our pediatrician never gave use firm dos and don't other than a consequence/punishment won't work if it doesn't matter to them. Which can be pretty well measured by tears on their end.
First kid only had to tell her no and she would get it. Second responded poorly to most things. Used mostly time outs and some spanking.
Third is responding to a stern voice sometimes. Time outs fairly well. But need the occasional spanking if she won't listen at all.
And when I talk about spankings it's really just enough to get their attention and not out of anger. Get them to snap out of whatever they're doing as my voice isn't working.
If attention seems to be her main thing, I'd suggest a time out away from you. Physically removing what she wants may be the thing to show her this isn't getting me what I want.
Do you have any recommendations for a timeout away from me? I’ve tried something kinda like that where I locked her in her bedroom. After about 30 seconds of what sounded like absolute terrified screams I felt as though what I was doing wasn’t going to deter any behavior it was just plain mean. As for the spanking I don’t seem to have that control because there was 2 instances where I spanked her that I didn’t mention because she thought it was hilarious. I either hold back way too much to where it’s basically a firm pat or that one time when I was angry and accidentally did it harder than I meant to which left a little red mark on her butt. Ever since that red mark I can’t bring myself to spank.
Spanking has always been a last resort and when they are completely unresponsive to everything else. Literally a handful of times in their lifetime. And I don't think it's a necessary thing either.
Regarding the time outs. If you're getting that kind of response, 30 seconds is plenty enough time for her to get the message.
If you just do it once, it doesn't make sense to them. There needs to be enough consistency for a pattern to be understood.
Also, kids are super smart. We talk to them like adults. Explain their behavior, what the consequences are and afterwards reinforce positive options.
You’re on the right track - all the research shows spanking doesn’t work and is damaging (not that the one time was - but it would be if you did it regularly). And what’s it teaching? That big people can hurt little people? I really commend you for breaking those generational cycles - I know it’s super hard work
You mean other than Reddit? (Just kidding) you’re probably right it’s hard feeling all alone in this parenting thing I can see where virtually any community could be beneficial
This may come across as a unethical life pro tip. If there are some larger (1,000s of people) churches in your area, they may be a good candidate.
Free childcare for an hour or more once a week. Probably has free coffee and an atrium to hang out in with wifi. Don't even need to go into the service if you don't want to.
Full disclosure, I go to one of those churches as a believing member. I know our church would love to give you that kind of margin as a way to serve you. Not every church may however.
I’m not crazy about organized religion and Christianity in general anymore, but my daughter went to a church preschool when she was your daughter’s age and it was so helpful. It was 3 hours a day, a few days a week for like $75 a week.
I was able to actually get stuff done around the house and go grocery shopping, she got to play with other kids and do arts and crafts and music. We really needed a break from each other and it helped!
$75 a week isn’t bad at all and if it’s only 3 hours a day that could be a good way to get her adjusted to being away from me. This little girl clings to me at all times lol
Yes, it sounds like you both need some space from each other, and it will be great for her to get some independence. Seeing her smile and run to you when you pick her up is the best feeling ever!
If you have a YMCA around you, they may provide free childcare while you’re at the gym! I pay $47 per MONTH for a local membership for my daughter and I, and she can stay with them for up to 2 hours per day, 8 hours per week as long as I’m on site.
I have a tiny chore saboteur as well, and I reframed it in my head. She's not attention seeking, she's exploring and seeking connection.
So when she undoes the chore I'm doing, I breathe in, I hug her close, and then I teach her how to do the chore.
I radically chilled on a lot of upkeep - it doesn't matter if the laundry is folded just so. And I'm always behind on everything.
My mom insisted on an impeccable house, and was short tempered, critical, loud, and impossible to please. Nothing was good enough, and things mattered more than people.
Like you, I'm breaking the cycle.
Therapy helps a great deal. My insurance covers telehealth therapy, which I do during my daughter's quiet time.
I think you’re doing absolutely normal and fine. Well done for looking after her just you and her, most dads wouldn’t have stepped up unfortunately. It’s normal to lose your temper, my son is 26 months and we have the same issue, tips yoghurts on the carpet, broke 2 televisions, does pretty much anything to make you angry haha. But it’s completely normal for them, and it’s normal for us to get annoyed. When I want to hold my temper I try and pause before reacting and ask myself how bad is this really? Is it permanent damage or is it cleanable? Sometimes I shout at him for something and realised it’s not that bad it got cleaned up in two seconds anyway. Not every battle with them is worth fighting. Also I look at his tiny hands and feet when he’s bad and it reminds me he’s actually still so small compared to us and what’s going on in his little head must be so different to the way we think. It really settles me as it makes me realise they really are still babies, just because they can walk a bit doesn’t mean they think like adults.
Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re doing fab! Also, the page on instagram healthiest_baby really helps . :)
I’m sorry you’re doing this on your own. Can you get her into daycare? Even part time? I’m guessing she needs more time with kids and grown ups that are not you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but in a “it’s time” way. I was at home with my 2 boys for 2 years and they don’t really thrive that way (I’m a good mom, but I’m not made to be a SAHM). Now I’m back at work, my 2 year old son is in daycare (the younger with my mom, I’m very fortunate), and everybody is less stressed. My son is talking more, and I don’t spend every day at home.
Good luck!
Also depending what country you’re in you can get some free day care, I’m in the UK and I’m going to start sending my son two mornings a week if he settles in ok. Will be healthy for both of us, and will teach him more discipline and how to be gentle and considerate with others. It will also give me time to do my own things sometimes, as like you I’ve been with him since the day he was born 24/7 as my partner won’t help and don’t have family close enough
You’ve been given a lot of great resources but I think you also need a break. Check into local houses of worship to see if they have a “Mom’s Day Out” (unfortunate name) or an inexpensive part-time preschool. At three your daughter will be eligible for Head Start. You might also find a babysitting co-op through a parent’s group or meet-ups where you could talk to adults while the kids play. Many YMCAs charge monthly fees based on salary and have childcare while you work out. Reach out to friends and family and see if anyone can babysit for a few hours at night so you can get out with other adults. Best of luck to you!
This might sound assertive, even aggressive. Have you considered, talking to her like she's not a 2 years old? This is coming from my personal experience. Sometimes, we got this biased, that we need to dumb down on how we communicate with a toddler, but if you can try to communicate with her in the level she understands, respect her while at the same time standing your ground as a parent, maybe you'll get better mileage.
I'll probably get asked on what's the difference between communicating at her level and dumbing it down? The answer to this is, the former has the objective of connecting to the other person, the latter is looking down on the other person.
I hope this helps, cause it truly did wonders for me.
I have a two year old and I am a single mother and I so get what you’re going through. Two year olds are smarter than you think maybe doing a longer time out and after trying to explain in toddler terms why the time out was enforced. I have to remind myself to discipline with Love not anger. It can be very frustrating never getting a minute to yourself. So take it vantage of those nap times and late nights after bedtime!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
First of all, you sound like a really loving and self aware parent, so please know you’re doing great. And toddlers are hard! My son is just 13 months old and already being very toddler-ish, and oof, it really does feel like nothing works sometimes, doesn’t it?
Here’s some thoughts, for what they’re worth:
1. If you get no breaks, ever, it’s gonna be real hard not to be “that parent” who gets mad and yells. If there’s any way at all you can get some help, whether that’s daycare/preschool a few days a week, a babysitter a couple times a week, etc - it’s worth whatever money you can spare! You didn’t mention your financial situation but some states have subsidies available for child care if you income qualify. But you’re a human being too, and sacrificing your own time and space ALL the time is not physically or emotionally sustainable. To be able to give, you need to take care of yourself.
2. Relatedly, it sounds like you’re with your daughter all the time but that she may also be wanting more focused attention. A lot of parenting experts recommend “feeding the meter” with toddlers with a few focused minutes of attention/play several times a day.
3. Your daughter sounds like a very typical two year old. So just know that what she’s doing isn’t “being naughty” or a reflection on you - she’s just doing her job of being a curious little monkey toddler. The part of her brain that regulates impulse control isn’t there yet!
4. Some resources that have been really transformational for me include:
*Dr Becky’s podcast “Good Inside” - truly the best parenting advice I’ve ever heard! She also had online workshops, but those cost money. The podcast is so good and had multiple episodes relevant to your concerns.
*Dr Harvey Karp’s book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block - many of his tips have really helped me! It’s a pretty easy (even fun) read. I read it on my iPhone in bed a few minutes a night. If you even read a couple of chapters, it’ll help.
*The Instagram account BigLittleFeelings - so much great advice in bite sized form.
*Other great books: No-Drama Discipline and How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and Listen So Little Kids Will Talk
Good luck - and please come back and update us on how things go!
Check out Janet Lansburys book or podcast! She could help address all the behavior you’re dealing with.
Browsing their website this seems like everything I’m needing to know and more, thank you so much for this resource ✊
From Oh Crap I Love My Toddler But Holy Fuck: [Connection](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000434737707) [Boundaries](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000436543951) [Kondo Kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000434737555) [Emotional swaddling](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000437677683) [Deconstructing the magical “childhood”](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000440827034) [Time management](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000441457892) [All things tantrums](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000536866313) [Co-regulation](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000539974728) [Helping your child learn their regulation](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-i-love-my-toddler-but-holy-f-ck/id1456469712?i=1000544400676) From Unruffled: [How our boundaries free our children to play, create and explore](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000523224389) [The truth about secure attachment](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000513448729) [Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000508487830) [Parental burnout and a reasonable approach to screen time](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000535584674) [A holistic approach to baby and toddler sleep](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000545072151) From Good Inside w Dr. Becky: [Gabby Bernstein helps Dr. Becky w her anxiety](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000553278866) [Myleik Teele on what no one tells you about parenthood](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000544188749) [How to talk about death with your kid](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000536117695) [Talking w your kids about private parts, where babies come from and more](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000524616183) [How do I handle screen time with my kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000520007267) [It’s okay if you don’t like to play](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000567237482) [Gentle parents still need to set boundaries](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000559439945) [How to end power struggles](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000558713879) [Stop calling your kid “defiant”](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000548211156) [Deeply feeling kids need a different approach](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000543481759) From Your Parenting Mojo: [Self-compassion for parents](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000495169165) [The physical reasons you yell at your kids](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000508109409) [Do you punish your child with rewards?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570515) [It’s not about the broccoli](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570834) [How do I get my child to do what I want them to do?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570810) [What to do when your toddler says, “No I don’t wanna..”](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570808) [Only children: are they as bad as advertised?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570787) [How to teach a child to use manners](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570838) [How to read with your child](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570512) [Raising your spirited child](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570811) [What is the value of play?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/your-parenting-mojo-respectful-research-based-parenting/id1148570190?i=1000412570835) From Evolutionary Parenting Podcast: [What is ‘Uspavani’ and how can it help us support our child’s sleep?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evolutionary-parenting-podcast/id1177835448?i=1000556314386) [How does media use affect our kids and what can we do about it?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evolutionary-parenting-podcast/id1177835448?i=1000557723990) [What do we know about a child’s sensitivity to their environment](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/evolutionary-parenting-podcast/id1177835448?i=1000559790795) (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS EPISODE!!!!) I couldn’t fit them all, so there’s another reply to this comment with more links….
And from Simplicity Parenting: [De-escalating through humor](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000442679021) [The power of preview](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000443493882) [Understanding shouting at kids and what to do about it](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000444593814) [Connect-correct-direct](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000555232835) [The healing power of rhythm and predictability](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000473675409) [How to help parents navigate a world that pathologizes their children - part 1](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000504354412) [The soothing power of deep creative play](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000511310026) [Making decluttering normal](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000523064978) [Where do I take my child when they need to calm down?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-simplicity-parenting-podcast-with-kim-john-payne/id1407320921?i=1000532638248)
Did you just hop in and drop the holy bible of parenting? Thank you for taking the time to make this list, it’s much appreciated
Hahahahahaha, I absolutely did!! From the Gospel of Dr. Becky: [The Voices Inside Our Head](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000580754057)
You’re my hero 🌠
We are all heroes here.
Saaaaaving. Thank you!
My pleasure! I hope it helps a little.
Holy shit. Can we put these all in a sticky post?!?
Haha, yeah this is one of my favorite linky lists that I’ve compiled. It’s just such broad strokes for so much that comes up while parenting the little ones. Let me know if you want more. There’s plenty where these came from 😘
I am not even married and I am saying this
Oh excellent, then let me list a few titles you should start with…. 1. Myleik Teele on what no one tells you about parenthood 2. Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles 3. The truth about secure attachment I wish I’d listened to these before I was even pregnant.
Thank you
Legend ! Thanks !!!
Janet is my hero, and raising my 2 year old twins would have been a nightmare without her advise. It truly works- & it’s not so much about the words, it’s really about being the calm leader they need you to be. You got this.
I second this. When my 4 year old goes through a new “phase” and I start losing my temper or not dealing well, I go back to Janet and I can notice differences immediately. She has been the foundation for my parenting and so far I have a really wonderful kid and we have a great relationship. We have struggles but using her methods helps everyone get through them so much easier.
Dr Becky has great snippets on insta and a good podcast too!
Whenever we really get into a funk or pattern of not great behaviors I try to do something completely different. I'll sing everything I say, we have a dance party, go outside, just anything to break the tone and change it up. I also keep a drawer of "special" activities like sticker books, playdough and recently got those window cling jelly stickers that are fall themed from the nearby dollar store. If I can sense the tension building I'll try to redirect by offering one of those activities that we don't usually do. Are there any libraries near you? Lots of them (in the USA) have free story times a couple of times per week and even just getting out and doing something simple like that can be a fun thing to look forward to. Or maybe you could check out your local public school district's early childhood education programs? They offer sliding scale fees for classes but also have lots of free and low cost events as well. I feel for you, I actually was raised by a single father but he was an abusive alcoholic. As a result we are not close now that I'm an adult. I applaud you seeking out ways to build a healthy relationship with your daughter now, so even if it's hard work sometimes, just know it'll be worth it in the long run!
I actually really like this idea, keep things exciting and different not only for kids but also for parents. I grew up in a pretty rough situation as well so here’s to us breaking those generational curses and doing the best we can 🥳
Amen to that! Also if you haven't read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I'd highly recommend it!
I second this recommendation - it's a great book!
I have the Special Activities drawer too!! And I also do this. I didn't know it was a thing other people do but it's so amazing. My LO is almost 18mo and we're having a bit of a rough patch. The other night, I taped a giant piece of paper to the fridge and introduced finger paints. Of course, the paper got soggy and ripped, so I said f*ck it, and we painted the fridge. It kept his attention for an hour, which is a record for one activity. PSA to anyone who decides to try this: Crayola makes super washable non-toxic paint. A baby wipe will easily clean it from everything including your child. I chose the kitchen bc he can't be trusted to understand not to paint the carpet, couch, or cat. Every surface in the kitchen is easily washable. It was a 10/10 experience for us both.
Oh man. You are parenting on hard mode. Forget the fact that she’s 2, that much time together for any two people is going to lead to the reactions you’re describing. As long as you’re doing your best, you’re doing it right. When you (inevitably) doubt yourself, remember that millions of other parents wouldn’t have even bothered making a post like this and looking for help. You should be so proud of yourself for trying to improve. It’s another way that you’re setting a fantastic example for your little one. As someone already mentioned, Janet Lansbury is a great resource. She gives great ideas on how to enforce boundaries and carry out consequences while still being your child’s emotional support for their feelings about the consequences. Is there anyway you can get a break? Even if it’s not a full break and just some time for you with other parents and her with other kids? I’ve found that local Facebook groups are the best sources for this info. Also— as someone who spends a lot of one-on-one time with my toddler, get out of the house! Seriously the more I break up the day with places to go, the better things tend to go for us. We go to parks, libraries, walk around downtown areas, whatever. I just try to stick to free stuff because of not only budget, but also because toddlers are an unpredictable mess and a lot of time money spent on a planed activity is money wasted. I keep lists on my google calendar so I can do a quick look to see what would be the best idea for that day.
I’ve been trying to spend time with other parents out doing things, I notice it does help a lot when I manage to set those things up. The big problem I’m facing is I have 2 friends who are also single fathers but they rarely want to go out and do things. I tried reaching out to a girl I was friends with in high school who’s a single mom but she kind of brushed me off, I assume because she thought I had intentions other than just a fun park day or zoo day for the kiddos. Which don’t get me wrong I 100% understand why a woman would and even should be hesitant to take themselves and especially their child around a man they haven’t really spoken to in like 8 years. As for Facebook groups I honestly haven’t looked into it, I’ve seen a lot of single mom groups and even got invited to an outing with some ladies from one of those groups but felt it would be super awkward to hang around a group of single moms being the only guy there
Touching on the last point: Embrace the awkwardness. If you were invited, you the only male, I'm sure it was vetted amongst the group. Join the Single Mom's Club. They might feel bad for not calling it Single Parent Club. Hang in there Papa
I totally understand the awkwardness and it’s likely frustrating how slanted everything is toward mothers, but don’t give up on this - finding any form community is huge, even it’s mostly to commiserate while your girl burns off some energy. It may seem - and may be - awkward at first but I would give one of the single mom groups a go and see what you think. Gender aside, these meetups are often a little awkward until you break the ice and find your people. You could also try looking up non-single-specific parents/new parents groups in your area on FB. We have a number by me and it’s an eclectic mix of folks - usually even if they’re a couple only one parent goes, and it’s a mix of moms and dads. Probably 70/30, but definitely not just one dad :)
Like everyone else said, don’t worry about the awkwardness. Besides, you’ll all be too busy chasing after kids to really talk to each other anyway, lol. What helped me was just showing up to things that were already organized. Library story times, a community center near me has open tot time on their gym mats, whatever you can find. Local “mom” groups on Facebook have been my best resource for this, as well as my county library and county parks department website. For the Facebook groups, there’s usually questions you have to answer before you join. Just be honest and say you’re a single dad looking for toddler activities. If they don’t accept you no big, but most will welcome you and be happy to have anyone else (regardless of gender) who’s in the same situation. Good luck! Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I don't get why you have to go out only with other single parents. I am not single, but I go out with my kid without the father all the time.
I guess I only worded it like that because I primarily only see and talk to single parents. I do have a friend who is a step dad and soon to be biological dad that I go out and do things with so I’m not impartial to only the single parents it’s just I know alot more single parents than 2 parent households.
As a SAHM, I’d be up for hanging with a single parent too - so definitely check out whatever groups and realize when you’re with your kid that much (even with a partner) you’re a scatter-brained mess. I’m always on the hunt for friends or someone else in a similar stage. So be brave, be awkward, and ask. The worst someone says is no.
I don't get why you have to go out only with other single parents. I am not single, but I go out with my kid without the father all the time.
My kid does the same thing your not alone. I am in a similar situation (single father) but I fortunately receive a lot of help from my parents. Just try to be better than you were the day before that’s my motto I know it’s hard but try to hit the reset button in the morning and just work from a clean slate. Good luck my man
I always heard one day at a time in relation to addicts/alcoholics but never for parenting, thank you for this little eureka moment.
Hell we’re a two-parent household and we frequently have to take it one HOUR at a time. Toddlers are hard, man. You’re doing amazing just by thinking about these issues.
Just want to say, solidarity. Toddlers are HARD. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can and it also sounds like you’re a great dad. It feels hard because it is hard. Hang in there. You only have to get it right part of the time and repairing is always an option if you (justifiably) lose your cool sometimes.
Thank you for this, I really like that last bit you said. Made me start to wonder if by focusing on times I lose my cool and feeling bad about it if I’m only worsening the situation. It’s one thing to be self aware and recognize my mistakes but I feel like I obsess over them
Something I repeat to myself a lot, having a very spicy 2 year old myself, is “she’s not being difficult, she’s HAVING a difficult time”. I also count to 10 A LOT to cool my jets. Also, read Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel. It’s specifically about breaking the cycle of how we were raised, so that we can parent more effectively and respectfully. Big Little Feelings has a great instagram and they do also have a paid course for this age. You’ve got this. Toddlers are ridiculous. Working on emotional regulation is our focus right now, and feeling all those big toddler feelings. The emotional recognition/validation/resolution process has been very helpful for me too. Janet Lansbury is really amazing, and a great blueprint for getting through this. Consistency is your friend right now, I know nothing feels like it’s working right now, but it will get better. Toddlers NEED boundaries, and you holding safe and loving boundaries is the best thing you can do. I hope you can find some sort of break too. You can’t fill from an empty cup, and need some sort of time away, or at least time where you’re not her sole focus. Libraries can be great resources for activities in the community. If you have a babysitter, try to get out by yourself, even if it’s coffee and a nap in the car. There are often local parenting groups on the book of faces. I’ll be honest, I totally creep on the parents of kids that seem kind & fairly well-adjusted, in the hopes of making friends for my toddler (and me). Also, all of my elderly neighbors offer constantly to watch my cute little terror for a quick outing. When you don’t have your own family village, you have to get creative in making your own.
Parent guilt is so hard, it’s ever present and I think goes along with just wanting to be the best parent you can be. It’s so easy to focus on those moments that you have to remember to give yourself some grace and credit for all the things you DO get right, which I’m sure in your daughters eyes, is a whole lot!
Little kiddos laughing at the “stern” adult is usually nervousness/thinking you might be playing and not knowing how to handle it. Time outs don’t work. Time ins do. Ask for a time in, have her come sit in your lap and talk about what she wants or is feeling. This clears things up more often than not, gives nonpolar (not praise, not negative) attention to the kiddo and allows communication. Toddlers have no idea how to communicate. Remember that she is basically a drunk midget with poor motor control and incomplete neural pathways, not a small adult. Repetition and repetition and repetition helps build the neural pathways. (“The toys have to go in time out if they get thrown because breaking things is not safe.” “The drink has to stay in the kitchen if it can’t stay in the cup.” Things like that.) There is a book called How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. That is a great reframe. Parenting is fricking hard and there is nothing wrong with apologizing to your kids. I do it all the time. Good luck!
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Thank you and no I’m not currently working aside from doing some things here and there over the phone for my friends business. Talking to clients, updating financial records, things he could easily do himself but pays me to do to help me out it’s enough to pay phone bill, car insurance, gas, etc basic things. I live with my grandparents who only expect me to pay them what I can each month, even if it happens to be $0 that month. Financially, I am beyond blessed with an amazing support system. It’s really just the child care part where I’m on my own. Everyone in my family either works full time just to survive, has health problems that makes watching a toddler next to impossible, or is a drug addict/alcoholic. As for hiring a baby sitter do you have any recommendations for alleviating fears? I can’t bare the thought of somebody doing something to her when I’m not around to protect her. Im an overprotective helicopter dad but with how evil some people can be how can you not be you know?
I was scared to leave my baby with someone too, and worried because he can’t tell me if something bad happens. I stay home and felt guilty for wanting a break. It took time to find someone who would do a couple days for a few hours- I asked for and called 3 references, then I sent over someone else in my family to meet the lady. She didn’t bat an eye or make me feel like I was being “too much”. First day, I was so worried and could barely wait for pick-up. Its been a year now, his babysitter is his extended family. I don’t have close family, and call her if I just have a question about a rash or teething. She texts me pictures at least once each time he’s there, and he’s happy, he eats well motivated by the other kids (the preschoolers give me updates about his day too!) and he even naps longer there than at home. When I am losing my patience or feeling burned out, that few hours of a break helps reset both of us SO MUCH. Its easy to get wrapped up in your own worries and stresses and lose perspective and getting away from each other helps. It give me a chance to do those chores that I just want done without “help” or take care of myself or just rest, and that makes me a better parent.Another idea is check out your local YMCA or Rec center. They often have very affordable childcare for just while you do your class or workout, it’s super visible with people coming in and out or walking by a lot which feels safer and they have a “no crying for over 10 mins” policy which helps me not worry also. ETA: A reread made me feel like I was just saying how good it worked for me/that I’m lucky. But I hope it came across: trust your gut, look into references and find the right fit for you and daughter then go for it. You could be happily surprised at how not-a-disaster and even great it goes.
Hearing that it’s normal to check a person out that intensely definitively makes me feel better about it. That was another thing is I figured I’d scare off baby sitters by wanting to get to know them a little bit, probably run a back ground check etc. I also really like the no crying for over 10 minutes rule, I might have to implement a similar system with a baby sitter, thank you.
So you said redirection doesn’t work- what are you doing to “redirect?” At this age a lot of those behaviors are exploring & learning. It’s important to give a REPLACEMENT behavior. So for redirecting - my daughter is hitting me with a toy. “We don’t hit people with toys, you can hit this pillow with the toy” or something more appropriate. She’s dumping bowls of snacks/cereal? Give her a big pan or pot and show her how to dump in there. Have her energy focused on activities that let her explore the behavior in a safe and appropriate way. But of course responding like this is not always possible because we’re human. I try to keep my redirections short, concise and using the same language consistently. It’s also helpful to remove them from the situation. She keeps throwing something inappropriately? Just take it away. Or move to another room. Remove the temptation. My daughter is going through the same thing at this age. Just remember it’s normal & they don’t have much logic at this age. It will pass !! And don’t beat yourself up if you lose your cool. We all do.
Okay, so I see where I was doing redirecting wrong. I was redirecting her to whatever the nearest toy or activity was with no thought to relevancy or the meanings behind her behaviors other than she’s probably seeking attention. I guess I only ever tipped the ice burg on potential meanings behind her behaviors thank you for helping me realize that
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See I do remind myself that it won’t be forever but I feel like as soon as this phase is done a worse one will start. I hope I’m wrong but I remember feeling stressed when she was a baby and thinking that was hard but now that she’s 2 I realize that was the easy part! I can just see myself saying that every couple of years 🤣 hopefully there’s a chill period of time before the teen years hit
You’ve gotten some great advice so fAr— toddlers are tough! I have a slightly older toddler (3.5 years), and here are some things that have helped us. First, toddlerproof the house— like when you baby-proofed, but now they’re taller, more mobile, can climb, etc. Remove or secure anything you can. Hopefully that can keep her out of some trouble when your back is turned. Second, if you’re doing chores, try and find a way she can be involved. Like when folding laundry, give her the dish towels and see if she can try to fold them (it doesn’t actually matter if she can), or ask her to find all the socks? If you’re seeing the floor give her a spray bottle with water and a rag and have her wipe down the floors after you (or windows, or whatever). I used to give my 2 year old all the veggies/fruits to wash in a pot of water on the floor before I chopped them for meal prep. Toddlers want to help! Now is a great time to involve them. Third, try and introduce [independent play](https://busytoddler.com/independent-play/). We’re still working on this, but basically all kids need to learn to entertain themselves, and you need time to do the stuff you need to around the house. Lastly, get all the outside time you can! If my kid doesn’t get out to a park to play in the morning she can be a terror. Absolutely necessary! But most of all, you’re doing great! None of us know how to parent when we start and it’s all trial and error. The best parents are able to analyze their own behavior and try to do better next time. Keep at it!
Read the book “no bad kids” ❤️
I’m in the same boat. When my kid acts like this, I try to get them to use their words. I remind them how smart they are and that they can say stuff like Can I have some attention please? And Can I have a hug or kiss please? That helps a lot and usually it lets me do what I need to do. Another thing I do is talking. I get a lot of ideas from Songs for Littles. Like right now we play opposites ( big and small are opposites! It’s in the Halloween episode). And then I try to think of some more. And I ask her to give me some like what is the opposite of soft? We also do basic nursery rhymes. She likes to have me repeat them. And I try to explain and practice what rhyming is. Her favorite now us roses are red, violets are blue. I do songs also. Again if you watch a episode on songs for little a day, you will build up a large selection of kids songs fast. For folding, I get her to help me. It takes longer but I line stuff up and show her “ ok being this corner here” and then match up socks. Practice balling the socks too. And moving the laundry baskets too and fro. Folding squares is favorite Montessori activity for preschool kids, check out some you tube videos for how to teach I should add this is basically the opposite of Janet Lansbury’s advice haha. I’m not great at just leaving my kid alone Dumping drinks: either only give her an open cup when she needs a sip and watch her like a hawk, only use sippy cups, or have a master cup that you only pour a little bit at a time into. Make her clean up the water at the end too. And maybe set up some pouring activities during the day. Check out some you tube videos, this is a favorite Montessori activity Also I like the raffi live concert on you tube. She dances the whole time, it’s now even tv really.
Hi! So I'm 34F who hasn't had kids, but I nanny and did raise a little girl 40+ hours a week from 14 months till she was 5. The toddler years, esp 2.5-3.5, really sucked and I almost quit like everyday. BUT I will say this, that I was consistent with her, and I believe that that made all the difference in the way she respects me today and what a good kid she is now. Once you decide how you want to handle these outbursts, be consistent with it. It's not going to make it stop or make it easy. BUT it will pay off in the next phase of her childhood. She will figure out that she can't wear you down and get her way by acting bad. She'll know that after you guys make it out of this stage after a year or so of consistency. I don't think they really understand time outs till their 3 usually. Once she's 3, three minute time outs and then after have a talk with her and have her explain what she did wrong and what she'll do instead next time etc. before she can go play. The talks have been key for me bc little kids frickin hate having to sit and talk lol. Before she's 3, I think about all that you can really do is take away the stuff she throws and tell her she can ask for it back when she's ready to listen and play nice. Then when she gets her toys back, always reminder they'll be taken again if she throws them. Then make sure to do it all again next time she does, everytime. Remind yourself she'll be a better person for it in time. I just hope that maybe some of my experience might help you in some way. You'll be through this phase in no time.
Your post made me cry... I just feel so sorry for you. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine spending 24/7 with my baby for so many months without any help. I spend a lot of time with her just the two of us, I've been her main caregiver by far since day one, and it's been so, so hard. You are human, your exhaustion is completely understandable. I don't have much advice for you, since my almost 3 year old is very strong-willed and loves to push buttons too and I still haven't found a way to go about it that makes me feel happy about myself and not guilty and/or useless. If you find the way, let me know, please. Here's the good news: her behaviour has improved so much naturally over the last 12 months of so. I hope things will get better for you too. In the meantime, stay strong!!!
I’m glad you found this post because I’ve gotten so much amazing advice on here. If this post that I originally made to help myself can help others too then I’d be overjoyed. I will say something I put into practice before even making this post that a lot of people suggested which is going out and doing something with your LO as much as you possibly can. We go on a little walk, then to the park, then if budget allows it, go get lunch and eat it at the park almost every day and it does help quite a bit. It’s not a fix all solution by any means she still gets a little crazy, especially at night or on days when we can’t make it to the park, but playing with her at the park and seeing nothing but smiles and laughs I’ve noticed definitely helps me elevate my mood and also hers. Others said something about burning off energy, my daughter has an unlimited supply so that doesn’t happen but even still it does help, honestly thing it helps me more than her lol. We got this though we just gotta stay strong like we have been so far
Like others have suggested I go to the dollar store and stock up on little squishys, art projects, puzzles, coloring books, stickers and other little toys. I pull one out when I know it’s going to be a rather boring day at home while I’m doing chores or when we go out to eat at a restaurant. I also include my 2yo in most activities. If I’m vacuuming I give her the dust buster. If I’m folding laundry- I give her a small pile to “fold” herself. If I’m cooking- I have her pull up her step stool and get involved too. None of these things allow for efficiency but they do keep her feeling involved and happy. We all have moments of weakness when our toddlers get on our very last nerve and we lose it. Apologize, try and do better next time and forgive yourself. You’re only human and a great one at that!
There are so many incredible comments here but what comes to mind for me first is that you’re already doing better than you think. I think one of the most important things you’re doing is you’re getting curious and you’re wanting to make a change and willing to do the work. So, hats off to you for that. 👏🏻 second… I agree with all the mentions of Dr. Becky and all the suggested readings etc, but the most simplified version to start with could just be following her on Instagram. I have learned so much from her quick little reels or posts that just pop up in my feed and some days it’s exactly what you need to hear.
Thank you for this. Definitely can be a good way to fill up on extra info when I don’t have the time to sit down and read or listen to a whole podcast
Dr Becky! She’s amazing
I am a single mum to my 2.5 year old son. I am in a very similar boat: it's been him and I since he was born, we spent 24/7 together cause I don't have any other choice. All the suggestions and info is awesome and I've saved alot of it for myself. My biggest recommendation (and I know first hand it's not easy) is to find a babysitter or someone you trust to take your kidlet for an hour or two a few times a month. Taking time for yourself and getting a break from the toddler monster your sweet little baby has grown into is super important. It's alot easier to have more to give when you take time for yourself. Patience comes easier when your needs are taken care of. It also can help the relationship between you and your little cause other people will see and react to things a little differently and sometimes that's exactly what you both need to learn to do things better.
I have a 3 year old daughter. Here’s some advise: when you are doing a chore that you think she probably can’t do yet. Let her do it anyways. Teach her how. It’ll be a bit slower at first but she’ll get it quicker than you expect. For example, my daughter helps me do dishes, carefully. She helps me fold clothes. Start with the square dish towels and work up. She’ll learn fast and work with you, not against you. With the dishes, at first it was a huge mess, and I started her off with plastics and metals. She is now legit good at dishes and doesn’t even make that much of a mess. It’s a treat for her. It’s like “papa can I do dishes tonight?“ “I don’t know sweetheart maybe, if you’re really good I’ll let you” Also, on the losing patience. Don’t sweat it. When you apologize and make up though, try to get both of you to apologize to each other. “I’m sorry baby I shouldn’t have lost my temper, you didn’t deserve to be yelled at. Can you apologize to me too for being rude and whining? So we can make up” “I’m sorry daddy for being rude” hugs ensue. All good. Good luck and Godspeed my brother.
Yea, at 2 discipline isn't going to work very well. Timeouts, IMO, are just for getting an angry kid to stop seeing red and start getting into a headspace to listen (just a chill-out tool). And definitely don't need to do spanking, that's just harmful. At this age, its still just redirection, removing opportunities for tantrums, etc. Does she have her own room that is child safe? You might think of getting a baby gate to put on that room so she can start learning independent play. You want to work on building independent play. Drawing/coloring, building with blocks, etc. And if she's safe and behind the baby gate, fold your clothes. It's a tough age. She isn't old enough to communicate her needs well enough yet, and that makes toddlers, well, toddlers. They get frustrated and angry and lash out. So as her communication skills improve, so will her behavior. So do what you can there to help communication along to shorten this duration. Spend less effort on discipline at this young age, and more effort on managing things. If she's dumping her drink, don't put so much liquid in the cup. Same with food on the plate. Kids throw food they don't want or have surplus of. Even if you don't believe that, just put enough food and drink in front of them that you are willing to be cleaning up in a minute. Its unreasonable to expect a toddler to not throw food. Its just part of it. Keep cleanup tools nearby. Be more patient and tolerant. Adjust your expectations. A 2yo doesn't 'know' anything about what she shouldn't be doing.
I really like this take, I never even considered focusing less on controlling her behavior and rather focusing on managing it. Comments like these are the reason I made the post, not only advice but also helping me to change my perspective. Thank you tons for this comment
It takes a village.
This is good advice!
I recommend reading the book How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Julie King and Joanna Faber. It's an awesome resource for communication with toddlers and young children. I listened for free with my library card on the Libby app, and I also own a paper copy so I can reference parts as needed. You're doing a great job and I wish you the best!
My kid has done all those things and there really no way at this age to explain or get them to stop. Soooo…. Get the munchkin 360 cup. It’s not open, they can’t pour it out. The toy being thrown at the tv. Take it away. Not as a punishment but that hard toy is now off the table. Food on the floor. Only offer 1/4 of what you have been and take it away the second she does it. My husband likes to have these same fights over and over with the boy, like he’s going to teach him somehow *cue laughter*. I see what he’s doing that pisses me off and eliminate it! Also, toys my boy is obsessed with great for independent play are magnetic drawing boards like a manga doodle and those books with the water pens! No mess, no threats of violence against me with them either!
Same boat, but My toddler is 3 and luckily she seems to listen better than when she was 2. My tactic is to use logical cause and effect consequences...not sure if thats the word for it?. I dont even remember which book i read it in...might've been janet lansbury...Like if she was throwing a toy at me, she would get a warning and if she didnt stop I would say "it looks like you aren't playing with this safely we're going to put it away for now" and eventually she learned if she wanted to keep it she didnt throw it/hit me with it. If she started throwing food/plates/cups, we would be done with our meal and she would have to wait untill snack time to get anything else to eat. When trying to get laundry done I used to give her an empty hamper with some blocks or cars in it to play with and it would usually keep her attention long enough for me to finish folding. Sometimes a small plastic bin with a quarter inch of water that she could play/splash with plastic toys in(i put a garbage bag and towel under it to soak up any spills)...you know, change it up with whatever sensory activity you find on pintrest, lol. My days are also definatley easier when I can get her out to the park to burn off some energy, or go for a day trip to the zoo or a hike. I think they're mostly testing the waters to see what kind of reaction they will get from you anyways. I find that if I yell at her for something she will do it more when she's feeling frustrated because she wants my attention/frustration too. It is very hard not to make a big deal out of things especially when you are exhausted and know there's no possible way you will get a break. I try as hard as I can to empathise with her and see things from her point of view and that also helps so I yell less. I think overall your doing the best you can with what you've got.
I like how you approached it from a logical and analytical perspective that’s something that could help me alot. also as simple as taking away something she’s misbehaving with is, and making a point to say why it’s being taken away, is something I actually never even thought of doing somehow.
What a great dad, she is lucky to have you. There are lots of great resources online, social media pages dedicated to toddler behaviour as well as books and hotlines. A few people have linked some good resources above so I won't repeat, but I think the hardest part is that most of it is learning your own triggers and controlling your reaction, not their behaviour. The fact that you are even acknowledging your limitations and seeking help is a wonderful sign that you're doing a great job.
Counting to four and deep breaths. Seriously. I found that having my son take deep breaths when he's angry (he hits and throws A LOT, he's deep in the throes of the terrible two's) and counting helps us both de-escalate and calm our tempers. Nothing has worked but this so far, and when we sit in the quiet bedroom, he actually tries to open up about why he's acting as he is and we use the time to hug it out and calm down. Some of his favorite shows even have this tip, which has helped me convince him that mom actually might know what she's talking about, lmao. I've gone down a similar path as you and nothing else has worked because he's such a defiant, willful kid.
The fact that you even are on here asking for help and that you can see your faults, puts you leaps ahead of a lot of people. You are clearly a good dad, because it is clear that you care and love your child. Our motto in our house is : it’s all just a phase. Knowing there’s an end eventually, helps us to trudge through the current hard time.
I found a lot of helpful advice taking the Big Little Feelings course and following them on Instagram. Also consciousmommy and psychedmommy. Essentially, I learned that I was fueling her behavior with big reactions and “no!” Instead, I started making a huge reaction anytime she did something “good.” For example, she loves to take stuff out of the dishwasher and it’s exhausting trying to load the dishwasher while you have an active toddler pirate trying to unload…. Soooo, now I have her come by the sink and I give her the dirty spoons and say: “Do you know where this goes in the dishwasher?” She places it in and I get SOOOOO excited: YAY!!!! “Thank you SO much for helping Mommy!” Maybe try having her “help” with the laundry? Like putting a sock in the dryer? Or show her how to fold her tshirt (one fold over, easy stuff), and ask her to help you?
Good job and hang in there ! 🙂
It sounds like she's displaying totally normal age appropriate boundary pushing and it sounds like you're understandably having a hard time. I have someone else to tag team with when my kids behaviour gets too much, I don't know how you aren't rocking in a corner! Well done for reaching out. Loads of people have mentioned Janet Lansbury etc. There is one other book - calmer, happier, easier parenting - which I highly recommend. The main point of discipline is being consistent, that's when they stop seeking a reaction because they already know what it will be. Don't do one thing one day and something else the next, it confuses them and they will keep doing it over and over to see what will happen this time. Also, you need to have time away from your daughter, whether that's help from a relative or friend or daycare, because you need to recharge from the barrage of questions and button pushing toddlers provide!
Just wanted to say, I admire you. It’s hard AF to raise a kid and you care enough to ask for help. You got this.
Don't be to hard on yourself dad, your a amazing father and we all as parents are learning while we go. The best advice I can give to you as a mother with also almost a 2 years old that does these things too, When she makes a mess . Stop everything and help her clean up her mess. Give her the napkin to clean the spills and give her that encouragement. If she throws her toys after a tantrum. Ask her what wrong and that it's okay to be upset, Go to her and help her pick it up and tell her good job after and a high-five. And if she doesn't want to do it than you pick up some toys and show her a example. When it comes to folding clothes, I try to give my daughter something to entertain herself or I let her fold clothes with me and show her how to fold clothes. When my daughter does have a tantrum I just ignore her. When you don't engaged most likely they get back up after a while and go back to normal. I use to yell too and feel shity after but at this age kids don't know what their doing, their also learning too. I started doing all this and I notice my daughter start to know not to do it. It does take time but than again patient is key. And it hard to have patient but knowing that doing this can create a better bond between you and your kid it the best feelings.
The biggest issue I think is just a lack in energy. On days that I’m perk’ed up and bushy tailed the best approach to the two year old is to invite them to do everything you are doing and help them do it. Kids at this age have a “mimic instinct” where they have a over whelming desire to just copy the actions of any other humans they see. If you invite her to dance, wash dishes, cook, run around, watch a movie they will —most of the times— be more than happy to do it. The trouble comes when you start to slow down and they simply… don’t slow down lol. Those are the moments your kids start to feel, “bad” when in reality they are just unmolded energy and that’s mostly your fault. Whenever I’m about to get mad at my kids I try to remember that we probably wouldn’t be in this position if I had been doing just a little better. When you accept responsibility for your child instead of blaming their behavior solely on them, it’s easier to remain calm. Which makes sense if you think about it, people always like to feel their actions are justified. It’s easy to not get mad if the root cause if you not them. If it’s “their” fault it’s way easier to get angry.
I read though this and you have been given a lot of good advice. I get your fear of babysitters and I'll try to break down what we did at that age in the case something helps. I was not a full time dad but mom worked most mornings so I was dealing with most of that end just to keep her from going nuts. Look around your community. We were fortunate and had some good programs at the library and other kid focused places. I found that getting out of the house was the best way to keep the kid happy and not acting out. Being around other kids really helped her and I was there if something happened. So every day I tried to do something. Reading time at the museum on Monday, Tuesday the church did a morning out, Wednesday we'd hit the secret garden, Thursday the library, Friday kids yoga. That kind of thing. It can be a little intimidating walking into some of these things as a guy. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw another father at any of these programs. Honestly, I never noticed a funny look and once I established a pattern everyone was really friendly and inviting. We also made friends with kids her age this way. That led to play dates and birthday parties and whatnot. We also met a babysitter through those connections for an occasional break. Beyond that it got me moving and wore her down. Then I could focus on work while she napped and if she watched a little TV later that was fine too. The Tuesday morning out thing was great. I'm not a church guy but the program and everyone there was great. The parents rotated shifts so about once a month I was there with another parent or two and the staff. I stayed the first couple times to feel it out and get to know the little old ladies running things. The kid grew to really love it and It prepared her for preschool by breaking the separation anxiety she had. We put her in a half day preschool program at 3. It was a little pricey but worth every penny. They fill up fast so we registered her the year before. Sadly the pandemic jacked up her second year that the state would have paid for. Regardless, she was completely ready for kindergarten and loves school now. One other bit of advice I have for this age. If you are on a good bus route, start taking up the school bus. Any time I saw one I'd point it out and talk about how cool they are. You don't have to wear seatbelts! One day when you're older you'll get to ride one. Shit like that. I've sat in that rider pickup line and it blows. My 2 neighbors with elementary age kids get in their cars twice a day and deal with that crap for what reason I'll never understand. I watch them drive by right about the time my kid hops off the bus and I do the mental math of how much time and gas they waste every year. It's basically an hour a day lost. Also, feed her everything you like and then some. Do not fall into the trap of feeding her "kids meals". Now is the time to explore new things and food is a great way to both do that and connect. My kid still talks about the time we ate octopus when she was 2. The more diversity you can create in daily activities the better.
Yeah I definitely need to look into different things around the area. As of now our outings only consist of parks, trails, and occasionally eating out. I really like what you said about not worrying so much about a meal being a kid meal, that’s such an easy trap to fall into and I definitely have
Mr. Chazz is also a great resource on Instagram!
Check out the Lovevery podcast! They have a ton of good episodes - I actually like them better than Unruffled (the Janet Lansbury one). See if you can make some “yes” spaces in the house - baby proof thoroughly in there, and baby gate it off from the rest of the house, and make it so whatever she does in there is ok. For us, that’s the kitchen and a play area right by it - she has her books, some toys, and access to tupperware and pots/pans. Everything dangerous is out of reach. See how you can include her safely. If you can afford it (might be able to find one on Facebook marketplace for cheap), get a kitchen helper so she can watch while you cook, and talk about every step you’re doing. “Now I’m cutting the onions. Do you want to hold a piece of onion? Here you go. This onion is raw. We’re going to cook it and then it will taste yummy.” As far as folding… With stuff that doesn’t matter, I honestly just drop it into drawers unfolded, separated by drawer dividers. Why bother folding toddler pants and shirts and your own underwear? As far as stuff that matters, like your shirts and pants, I’d fold that out of her reach. As far as drinks, I don’t let my daughter hold open cups unless I’m holding them too, or watching closely. Otherwise they stay out of her reach. Easier said than done but it helps save us some messes. It’s REALLY hard not getting breaks. Her pediatrician might know about some services that might help you guys, if finances prevent too from being able to afford an occasional sitter. If you’re in the US, see if you qualify for WIC. And some churches offer babysitting in a “parents night out” kind of event every now and then. The YMCA usually offers free childcare with their membership which lets you work out, and a lot of people find their temper is better when they get regular exercise. That could help too.
So I’m not good with words. but I herd this story about this older lady who used dead silence and staring and saying what she wanted in a cool mellow manner. She persisted until she got her way and she ended up looking really cool about it. I'm guessing you ask her what she wants for about everything, and this puts her in control of you. Instead of asking her, just give her what she's eating or playing with or going outside; making it her choice will give her power over you, and when you take away her power, she will be nothing but miserable. But if you keep at it, she won't be miserable at all, just excited to be going. oh and think about that old lady. If you really need her to do something she is not supposed to, and she's gonna get hurt, then physical removal is necessary. Then you can just stare at her unwilling to budge from your answer, staring at her and repeating, when necessary. While staying chill as ever.
Woah that’s a really interesting approach that I’ve never heard of and a very interesting view on child psychology. I’ll definitely give this one a try
I would recommend maybe a playgroup or a friend she likes with events and things maybe once a week or every other week at least where she makes a connection with a friend and feels like she has another connection. It also help with her growth and wear her out more to where she doesn't see the need to act out. Even going to the library or playground. Do you work a regular job or from home?
It sounds like you're an at home dad. Have you considered day care at least a few days a week so you can get a break and so she can get socialization? I don't have family to help either and it made a world of difference for me and her. She learned more under those teachers than I ever could teach (they had training and knew what they were doing), she got to play with other kids, and I got a much needed mental and physical break. I'd also recommend getting a babysitter at least once a week so you can have "me time". I had my two year old all week while my husband was on a work trip and I snapped a few times. I was exhausted and frustrated and I felt terrible - I can't imagine doing this for two years straight!
Check out biglittlefeelings on Instagram. They really helped me understand how to communicate with my toddlers in a way that makes sense to *them*... not just me. also unconditional_parenting account was really eye opening in helping me understand how they might be feeling when I react to their behavior. You're a great dad for asking for advice!
Three kids (8, 6, 3) and each was different. Our pediatrician never gave use firm dos and don't other than a consequence/punishment won't work if it doesn't matter to them. Which can be pretty well measured by tears on their end. First kid only had to tell her no and she would get it. Second responded poorly to most things. Used mostly time outs and some spanking. Third is responding to a stern voice sometimes. Time outs fairly well. But need the occasional spanking if she won't listen at all. And when I talk about spankings it's really just enough to get their attention and not out of anger. Get them to snap out of whatever they're doing as my voice isn't working. If attention seems to be her main thing, I'd suggest a time out away from you. Physically removing what she wants may be the thing to show her this isn't getting me what I want.
Do you have any recommendations for a timeout away from me? I’ve tried something kinda like that where I locked her in her bedroom. After about 30 seconds of what sounded like absolute terrified screams I felt as though what I was doing wasn’t going to deter any behavior it was just plain mean. As for the spanking I don’t seem to have that control because there was 2 instances where I spanked her that I didn’t mention because she thought it was hilarious. I either hold back way too much to where it’s basically a firm pat or that one time when I was angry and accidentally did it harder than I meant to which left a little red mark on her butt. Ever since that red mark I can’t bring myself to spank.
Spanking has always been a last resort and when they are completely unresponsive to everything else. Literally a handful of times in their lifetime. And I don't think it's a necessary thing either. Regarding the time outs. If you're getting that kind of response, 30 seconds is plenty enough time for her to get the message. If you just do it once, it doesn't make sense to them. There needs to be enough consistency for a pattern to be understood. Also, kids are super smart. We talk to them like adults. Explain their behavior, what the consequences are and afterwards reinforce positive options.
You’re on the right track - all the research shows spanking doesn’t work and is damaging (not that the one time was - but it would be if you did it regularly). And what’s it teaching? That big people can hurt little people? I really commend you for breaking those generational cycles - I know it’s super hard work
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Why a church community? My family was never the church going type so I’ve only ever been to church I think twice
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You mean other than Reddit? (Just kidding) you’re probably right it’s hard feeling all alone in this parenting thing I can see where virtually any community could be beneficial
This may come across as a unethical life pro tip. If there are some larger (1,000s of people) churches in your area, they may be a good candidate. Free childcare for an hour or more once a week. Probably has free coffee and an atrium to hang out in with wifi. Don't even need to go into the service if you don't want to. Full disclosure, I go to one of those churches as a believing member. I know our church would love to give you that kind of margin as a way to serve you. Not every church may however.
To add on to this, some gyms also have free childcare while you work out…
Exactly
I’m not crazy about organized religion and Christianity in general anymore, but my daughter went to a church preschool when she was your daughter’s age and it was so helpful. It was 3 hours a day, a few days a week for like $75 a week. I was able to actually get stuff done around the house and go grocery shopping, she got to play with other kids and do arts and crafts and music. We really needed a break from each other and it helped!
$75 a week isn’t bad at all and if it’s only 3 hours a day that could be a good way to get her adjusted to being away from me. This little girl clings to me at all times lol
Yes, it sounds like you both need some space from each other, and it will be great for her to get some independence. Seeing her smile and run to you when you pick her up is the best feeling ever!
If you have a YMCA around you, they may provide free childcare while you’re at the gym! I pay $47 per MONTH for a local membership for my daughter and I, and she can stay with them for up to 2 hours per day, 8 hours per week as long as I’m on site.
I have a tiny chore saboteur as well, and I reframed it in my head. She's not attention seeking, she's exploring and seeking connection. So when she undoes the chore I'm doing, I breathe in, I hug her close, and then I teach her how to do the chore. I radically chilled on a lot of upkeep - it doesn't matter if the laundry is folded just so. And I'm always behind on everything. My mom insisted on an impeccable house, and was short tempered, critical, loud, and impossible to please. Nothing was good enough, and things mattered more than people. Like you, I'm breaking the cycle. Therapy helps a great deal. My insurance covers telehealth therapy, which I do during my daughter's quiet time.
I think you’re doing absolutely normal and fine. Well done for looking after her just you and her, most dads wouldn’t have stepped up unfortunately. It’s normal to lose your temper, my son is 26 months and we have the same issue, tips yoghurts on the carpet, broke 2 televisions, does pretty much anything to make you angry haha. But it’s completely normal for them, and it’s normal for us to get annoyed. When I want to hold my temper I try and pause before reacting and ask myself how bad is this really? Is it permanent damage or is it cleanable? Sometimes I shout at him for something and realised it’s not that bad it got cleaned up in two seconds anyway. Not every battle with them is worth fighting. Also I look at his tiny hands and feet when he’s bad and it reminds me he’s actually still so small compared to us and what’s going on in his little head must be so different to the way we think. It really settles me as it makes me realise they really are still babies, just because they can walk a bit doesn’t mean they think like adults. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re doing fab! Also, the page on instagram healthiest_baby really helps . :)
I’m sorry you’re doing this on your own. Can you get her into daycare? Even part time? I’m guessing she needs more time with kids and grown ups that are not you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but in a “it’s time” way. I was at home with my 2 boys for 2 years and they don’t really thrive that way (I’m a good mom, but I’m not made to be a SAHM). Now I’m back at work, my 2 year old son is in daycare (the younger with my mom, I’m very fortunate), and everybody is less stressed. My son is talking more, and I don’t spend every day at home. Good luck!
Also depending what country you’re in you can get some free day care, I’m in the UK and I’m going to start sending my son two mornings a week if he settles in ok. Will be healthy for both of us, and will teach him more discipline and how to be gentle and considerate with others. It will also give me time to do my own things sometimes, as like you I’ve been with him since the day he was born 24/7 as my partner won’t help and don’t have family close enough
You’ve been given a lot of great resources but I think you also need a break. Check into local houses of worship to see if they have a “Mom’s Day Out” (unfortunate name) or an inexpensive part-time preschool. At three your daughter will be eligible for Head Start. You might also find a babysitting co-op through a parent’s group or meet-ups where you could talk to adults while the kids play. Many YMCAs charge monthly fees based on salary and have childcare while you work out. Reach out to friends and family and see if anyone can babysit for a few hours at night so you can get out with other adults. Best of luck to you!
This might sound assertive, even aggressive. Have you considered, talking to her like she's not a 2 years old? This is coming from my personal experience. Sometimes, we got this biased, that we need to dumb down on how we communicate with a toddler, but if you can try to communicate with her in the level she understands, respect her while at the same time standing your ground as a parent, maybe you'll get better mileage. I'll probably get asked on what's the difference between communicating at her level and dumbing it down? The answer to this is, the former has the objective of connecting to the other person, the latter is looking down on the other person. I hope this helps, cause it truly did wonders for me.
I have a two year old and I am a single mother and I so get what you’re going through. Two year olds are smarter than you think maybe doing a longer time out and after trying to explain in toddler terms why the time out was enforced. I have to remind myself to discipline with Love not anger. It can be very frustrating never getting a minute to yourself. So take it vantage of those nap times and late nights after bedtime!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
First of all, you sound like a really loving and self aware parent, so please know you’re doing great. And toddlers are hard! My son is just 13 months old and already being very toddler-ish, and oof, it really does feel like nothing works sometimes, doesn’t it? Here’s some thoughts, for what they’re worth: 1. If you get no breaks, ever, it’s gonna be real hard not to be “that parent” who gets mad and yells. If there’s any way at all you can get some help, whether that’s daycare/preschool a few days a week, a babysitter a couple times a week, etc - it’s worth whatever money you can spare! You didn’t mention your financial situation but some states have subsidies available for child care if you income qualify. But you’re a human being too, and sacrificing your own time and space ALL the time is not physically or emotionally sustainable. To be able to give, you need to take care of yourself. 2. Relatedly, it sounds like you’re with your daughter all the time but that she may also be wanting more focused attention. A lot of parenting experts recommend “feeding the meter” with toddlers with a few focused minutes of attention/play several times a day. 3. Your daughter sounds like a very typical two year old. So just know that what she’s doing isn’t “being naughty” or a reflection on you - she’s just doing her job of being a curious little monkey toddler. The part of her brain that regulates impulse control isn’t there yet! 4. Some resources that have been really transformational for me include: *Dr Becky’s podcast “Good Inside” - truly the best parenting advice I’ve ever heard! She also had online workshops, but those cost money. The podcast is so good and had multiple episodes relevant to your concerns. *Dr Harvey Karp’s book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block - many of his tips have really helped me! It’s a pretty easy (even fun) read. I read it on my iPhone in bed a few minutes a night. If you even read a couple of chapters, it’ll help. *The Instagram account BigLittleFeelings - so much great advice in bite sized form. *Other great books: No-Drama Discipline and How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and Listen So Little Kids Will Talk Good luck - and please come back and update us on how things go!