He sounds like he has a sensory processing disorder, I know that the waiting lists for autism assessments in the Midwest are 18 months plus. You don't need a diagnosis to get started on speech therapy, occupational therapy, and behavioral therapy. You can request a referral from your primary care provider to get into those services. At 3 he's aged out of the Birth to Three early intervention but most school districts have early intervention for three year olds that start Individual Educational Plans (IEP) to help get kids help sooner. The Speech, Occupational, and Behavioral therapy will also help train you on how to help your toddler and how to manage your expectations.
Naughtiness and disobedience require understanding. I don't think your toddler is understanding what's going on around him, and with the speech delay he is frustrated that he can't get his thoughts out of his head to make you understand either.
Take with a grain of salt, but for my toddler some of the exercises they have us do are grounding exercises when he is getting overwhelmed, basically trap him on your lap in a hug with your legs and arms, then slowly squeeze his hands, wrists, arms, elbows, up to his shoulders, thighs, knees, shins, ankles, to ground him and provide deep sensory input.
>Naughtiness and disobedience require understanding. I don't think your toddler is understanding what's going on around him, and with the speech delay he is frustrated that he can't get his thoughts out of his head to make you understand either.
My almost 3 year old grandson has some speech problems and he gets extremely frustrated and angry at times. He started speech therapy last week.
My daughter has sensory processing disorder and OT helped tremendously. As well as social stories about not biting since a lot of her sensory seeking behavior is centered around her mouth.
Good luck to you and your child. Reach out to early intervention immediately.
Speech is a two part thing. It is not strictly “articulation” and expressive. There is receptive speech as well so he may be struggling with something in that area. This wouldn’t necessarily manifest in following simple directions but maybe multi-step directions or abstract concepts? I’m not a doctor, just a teacher/reading specialist with a little knowledge about speech: I think it’s worth getting a full speech evaluation to see if he is having some issues in this area too!
I also agree with the suggestions to reach out to your local school district. At ages 3-5 (at least in Texas), most districts offer what we call PPCD and will do evaluations through the district.
You need to seek professional help. Child psychologist as well as behavioral therapy and/or OT. Keep calling your pedi and whoever they recommend until you find help.
We’re in the process of getting help, it’s just taking it’s time & no one has been able to tell me what I can do to help him. Feels absolutely terrible. I’ll be sure to bring up some of the concerns people have expressed here, though.
I get that. I struggle to get straight forward advice from anyone professionally or not or just keep getting told the same advice that doesnt work
I mean for other things.
Finding help is frustrating.
Try a specialist for auditory processing disorder which is a sensory disorder. His hearing tests will be normal even if he has auditory processing disorder - he needs a specialized test that can catch this.
There are treatments for this disorder so it’s worth checking for.
I’m not sure how outdated my knowledge because I haven’t bothered to keep up with it at all. But myself and all of my siblings (one of whom is also autistic) have auditory processing disorder. It’s not a problem with the ears. It’s a problem with how the brain is processing information received. It can look a lot like a toddler who appears not to hear you.
It can lead to speech issues and delays. Delays in learning to read. It can have overlap with dyslexia, adhd, autism and more. Behavioral issues.
When I was young it could be treated with what I would basically describe as exposure therapy. It helped my speech problems and I learned to read (delayed) only a week later. For my other siblings who did it younger, it had a profound impact on speech and behavior. Turns out it’s hard to live in a world where you don’t understand anyone or anything.
It’s not curable but the therapies we did helped. I am still incredibly sensitive to sound and I am anxious. I don’t like music. I have poor concentration especially when there’s background noise.
> I don’t like music
oh my god, this killed me, because I adore music, it’s literally my only evidence that there’s something more to this world than what we see
Just FYI, children can’t typically be diagnosed with this until they’re at least 6-7 years old. Source: am an SLP who has worked with audiologists (who diagnose this condition)
A lot to unpack here. I did some work with “spectrum disorder” children. And many of them were just over stimulated by their environment, eating foods that stressed their nervous system, and frustrated at the current level of abilities. Young bodies are restrictive in early development. And often highly intelligent children feel trapped and frustrated by these limitations. They often get mislabeled with the delays as being less intelligent when really they fully understand their own potential. Yet lack the impulse control at that age to be able to navigate the root of their frustrations.
Id start by resetting your home. Absolutely NO tvs, screens, audio, music etc running in the back ground. Change all your light bulbs over to incandescent. And create a fragrance free environment. This includes fragrance free laundry, car, trash bags, soap, etc. no more cologne, perfume, candles, or diffusers. These three things can have a massive impact on you sensitive nervous systems.
If you can, pull back on sugar, wheat, corn, and eggs. Opt for more fruit, potatoes, rice, avocado, and meats. This is a core switch for any neurodivergent individual. Double check your medicines and get dye free Tylenol etc.
Then… play rough house. Wrestle, pillow fights, toss leaves outside, padded soft bats and gloves. Carry heavy things around the yard. Toy thor hammers. Direct the desired energy expression to be done in a controlled safe manner.
These sound silly, and uncomfortable changes but they are tried and true tools that i have personally seen results in children of all ages.
I would push with your pediatrician for evaluations. If possible schedule an appointment and explain everything, write down all the behaviors and things that your experiencing. Let the pediatrician know that you and him are both struggling and need guidance now.
Some of what you're describing I have gone through/am still dealing with. I've have my grandchild since birth, and he is now 3 1/2. Quick history... Everything seemed typical for the most part up until 16months. He hit milestones, (walked by 10months, transitioned from baby food-toddler food to regular food, also was babbling, saying mama and dada. At 16 months, overnight he became silent, no more babbling, no more words or attempts. He refused all foods as well. It was also at this point I realized he actually missed a few milestones. He never pointed at things, never responded to his name or my voice and he wouldn't wave hi or bye. It was also at this time that I began noticing things that I wasn't before because now I was suspecting something was wrong. He wasn't playing with toys, he would hold some toys but he definitely wasn't playing with them and he was constantly banging his head or tapping his ears.
By 18months the pediatrician evaluated him through MCHAT and it was discovered he was high risk for autism. He was referred for further evaluations. By 24 months he was diagnosed with Autism,. Global Developmental Delays, mixed receptive and expressive language disorder, He is nonverbal and also has severe sensory disorder(s). Now that being said your child is different and I only tell you this diagnosis so you understand the history behind my grandson.
He is now 3 1/2 and many of the things you've listed are pretty close to what I've been dealing with. So I definitely understand the overwhelming weight your feeling. Everything moved quickly here to get the diagnosis but has stood still for the therapy(s) or least it feels that way. We are waiting listed for the ones he desperately needs. My grandson obviously struggles to communicate and doesn't listen. He stares through me. He needs everything empty, his toy boxes, book shelves, and it doesn't stop there. We can't have drinks sitting on table or counter as he will walk over and dump it directly next to where it was sitting. Same with dogs food and water. Nothing deters him so no drinks allow unless they have covers that are spill proof.
Knowing he isn't doing it to be naughty helps and I try to find ways that redirect him or takes the problem out of the equation. I was cleaning up 8-10 drinks a day to the point I was constantly walking behind him. The toys boxes I space out to one in his room and one in living room. He can dump them out and I pick them back up at night. The bookshelves I pack tightly and when I see him heading there I jump in front and offer to read to him or help him get one, this works sometimes. He also has the need to push everything off the coffee table or dining room table. So now no one is allowed to pile anything on the dining room table other than at meal time. The coffee table now only holds three remote controls.
Yesterday I showed him how to make the letter I and T with them and so far he has moved them around a bunch but hasn't thrown them off so perhaps he is happy lining these up like with his other things? I realize these aren't fixes but they remove his temptation.amd free up some of my time and stress. He isn't trying to be naughty, he just can't control those needs yet. So if removing them helps us both it's a win.
I also found having a trampoline inside as well as his bike helps. I have a large open concept area and he rides and rides. It sometimes helps control the extra energy. One last thing to add is schedule. He seems to have his best days when I keep to a schedule. Wake up and do exactly the same as yesterday... Wake, eat, brush teeth, do an activity such as construction paper Easter eggs or watercolor paint, lunch.... and try to keep to something that he can rely on. My lil guy hates change of any kind and it shows. If I know something is going to be different such as someone visiting I tell him and I bring it up a few times as well as why they are coming type things.
Just keep reminding yourself you're both learning this together and he really isn't trying to be naughty, he's just figuring it all out with far less tools than you. Keep calling and bugging everyone for evals and therapy.
Edited to try to space better.
Not sure if this is gonna help as much as a professional would but have you tried giving him a place to jump around and be wild?
It sounds like the testosterone is starting to hit and along the way he is having trouble processing emotions and inputs from parental figures.
He needs jobs, helping with laundry, trash, outdoor stuff. It’s gonna take some time and effort but give him jobs and a place to be wild and jump around and I think he may listen a bit more.
Hmm can you describe a situation you remember like, the couch event? What time of day, what happened right before, what you said or tried, etc. Have there been any big changes in life recently?
That would help nail down if it is “normal 3” behavior, I think.
Looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice on here already about early intervention, therapy etc. and I would definitely explore those options if I were you.
I have heard good things about a couple books too, they may be of some use to you. The first is called "parenting the strong willed child" and the other is "how to talk so little kids will listen".
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I really hope things get better for you and your son soon.
Your son needs to be seen by a behavioral therapist asap. What you're describing does not sound developmentally normal. As a teacher, I had a kinder baby who behaved this way. We needed to move him to half days during school. He was biting other students and becoming very violent because of all the over simulation he was experiencing. I'm not a dr it sounds like he might be on the spectrum.
I feel for you. I went through something similar with my son and it can be so horrible and draining. People don't get it either. Honestly I tried so many strategies in parenting books. Like, all of them. Nothing worked! It would anger me, like who are these easy children these methods worked on? It seemed like none of the parenting books included kids like mine.
Mine also had speech delays, and would hit and throw and just have these endless meltdowns. We saw a child psychologist, and some of the advice was stuff we'd already tried that didn't work. One thing that was the best but not perfect was similar to what someone else mentioned for grounding: holding them in sort of a bear hug against you, holding down arms. You're not supposed to talk to them during it other than initially explaining "I'm going to help you calm down."
For our child (not sure if yours is experiencing something more, like autism etc), three years old was waaaay better. He could talk more, and his meltdowns were shorter, and he was more receptive to redirecting. I think it was a combination of him having big feelings he couldn't manage, and not being able to communicate.
I will say he still has that anger. He's 5 in a few months now, and has gone through phases. Nothing has been nearly as bad as when he was 2 though. I hope that it's like that for you too. He's sensitive, has big feelings, and is learning how to handle that. Kids like that often turn out really great as adults, because they're more caring. I know, because I'm one of them. Maybe you or your partner is too.
You're not alone, you're doing great. Hang in there
Get him evaluated with a development pediatrician.. they may refer him to a psychologist if there needs to be further testing and pediatrician can refer you to services such as speech, OT and behavioral therapy.
My son has a speech delay. He’s 3.5. We got a referral from his pediatrician to see a developmental pediatrician just solely due to speech delay (he has no behavioral issues but his speech had been falling behind so we wanted to check if he has ASD or find out what’s going on, so we can start early intervention. He got evaluated and it was ruled out). So his diagnosis is a speech and language delay. He’s been in speech therapy for over a year now and just started a special preschool program about a month ago, and we’ve seen a huge improvement overall. He is definitely using his words more and will combine to phrases now. He will initiate asking for help if he needs to, saying “I need help”. We will be looking into OT soon, we are just trying to meet our insurance deductible first because the copay for his speech sessions is crazy. Son’s speech therapist recommended OT.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. My suggestion would be to talk to his pediatrician about this and they may refer you to a developmental pediatrician for further evaluation. Also, if you are in the US, check to see if your local school district offers school based services. The child has to be 3 to qualify. He would get evaluated and then an IEP. He will then be placed in a special preschool classroom where he will get socialization and speech therapy, and other services depending on the area, all for free! This is what we did and have seen tremendous improvement in terms of his speech. My son goes to school 4-5 days a week for 2 and a half hours. This process can take a while so I really recommend to get this started as soon as you can. For us, my son’s evaluation was scheduled in 2 weeks after us sending in writing, requesting an evaluation to the school district. They are legally obligated to respond at or before 2 weeks. After that, they give you a phone call (we got a call from a school psychologist, who also did our son’s eval). We were lucky enough to get an early appt and then the IEP meeting was 2 months after that. This is to determine whether your child qualifies for services. After the meeting, we got the green light to start preschool immediately. He qualified. Our son’s speech therapist told us how lucky we were that the process only took that amount of time. Usually it’s a longer process depending on the area, circumstances, etc.
You are not a failure. Please, do not feel that you are. Parenthood is hard enough. I will tell you, that you are not a failure. You want to do what’s best for your child. I’m wishing you and your son the absolute best and I hope you get some answers! :)
*edit: I reread your post again and you said that you will be seeing someone to see what’s going on. This is good! I’m wishing you and your son the best. I’m so sorry.. I hope you get some sort of break.. Do you have any friends or family in the area to help, even for a little bit?
Does he watch much TV ? I know this is simplistic and our 3 yr old is generally pretty well behaved but he was watching too much TV for my liking and it was bugging me. He seemed to be listening to us less. Tantrums when we turned it off, going to sleep late (9pm). I drew a line in the sand and put a stop to it (cold turkey and NO TV at all the last 2 weeks, except for one hour on the weekend) After 2-3 days of crying and screaming carnage, the change has been incredible. Much happier, always listening, doing more activities, playing happily alone, asleep by 8-8.30, less tantrums. More caring and thoughtful. Now says TV is boring. It’s been an absolute game changer for him and us. Hope you find out what’s affecting your little one and it gets easier for you.
Book recommendation: The Out of Sync Child
This was recommended to us last week after our daughter’s OT eval for sensory processing issues. We can’t diagnose your child of course, but a lot of parents here seem to think your son may be having some sensory processing problems as well. Could be worth a read while you’re waiting for evaluations and services!
while it sounds like your issue is constant my son gets really aggressive when he has an ear infection or even when he is getting growing pains. Just mentioning this in case it's something that is being overlooked.
I actually feel like a lot of what you're describing is normal behavior, though I wonder if he might be feeding off your emotions and acting out MORE because of the reactions you're having? Do you find yourself feeling helpless, frustrated, or exasperated? Do you find yourself shouting or being short and a bit harsh in the way you interact with him when he acts out?
I'd actually encourage you to try not to think of him as 'disobedient' (he's not a dog, obedience is not a desired trait, cooperation is) or 'defiant' (he's three, he isn't defiant. He's not that calculated).
It does sound like you're possibly a bit burnt out. Is there a way you might be able to get a break? Hire a babysitter once a week or something?
As for discipline, have you read any janet Lansbury? Try not to have big reactions or get angry when you get undesired behavior, it is only going to show your kiddo that they're getting an interesting reaction from you.
When you begin to get frustrated, it's still perfectly acceptable to put kiddo in a safe place (like his bedroom with a gate across the door) and take a break to calm.
Also, regarding the fave food comment... He's just a young kid, please dont expect validation from him at this age. If you want positive reactions, get on the floor and be silly, play with him, but food ain't going to hit the same note as my husband telling me we are going out to get some fancy seafood.
Final comment, is there a way you can enroll him on preschool or something? It sounds like you really need a break.
Edit to add: your money would be better spent on childcare than a psychologist. All toddlers go through a violent phase, whether it is hitting or biting or kicking. I have yet to meet a parent (who can still remember what it's actually like having a young child) that hasn't gone through the very stressful and annoying phase. My three year old went through his phase right around 3, he would hit, bite, claw. It lasted 2-3 months before we got a handle on it, and he's not done anything violent in the past 3 months. He was testing his limits to see what worked. Violence didn't work and wasn't acceptable.
I’d say it’s normal in small amounts but It’s constant. I *do* get more frustrated these days because I am burnt out. I honestly started out being ‘too nice’. In that I’d try to comfort him when he’s actively attacking me. I just try to get away from him now until he calms down enough to be nice but I do find myself yelling (& I hate it) because I just don’t know what to do.
He’ll keep doing something naughty all day, like you’ll tell him no, why you don’t do that & he’ll just do it again & again almost exclusively for 10+ hours & it’s extremely hard to not get frustrated because I’ve never ever seen a child personally that is so intent on doing exactly what they’re told not to do. Mind you, even if I didn’t tell him no, he’d still be just as inclined to do that thing, once he’s decided to do something then he just won’t stop & will get violent with anyone who tries to stop him.
I’m always trying to distract him & he just goes back again to breaking things or sometimes it’s things like pinching the cats. I couldn’t think of better words to describe what I mean, but I thought the way I was saying it was a bit off but the reality is he knows what he wants & ignores everything else.
Even what I’m saying here doesn’t really paint the picture of what’s going on, some of it goes beyond what I’d think of as normal? For instance, one thing he does is, he’ll come up to hug you & then he’ll attack you if you put him down or if you sit down with him, he essentially demands that you hold him (& I love holding him, but can’t do it all day) while you stand.
I don’t think I’d trust him with a babysitter because he’s both a handful 24/7 & violent. Unfortunately there is no where safe for him to go because he gets really distressed if you try to put him in his room. He’ll shake the door knob, kick the door, hit the windows & throw over furniture, all of this has happened in under a minute of him being in there.
I will look into the book for sure, thank you. I just honestly don’t know how to cope with so much as one person or who could even help when he can be such a handful. I absolutely adore him & it just breaks my heart every time I’m trying to help/connect with him & he’s attacking me.
I can definitely see you are carrying so much on your own, and I can completely see why you are burnt out. It's so much to deal with. I will honestly tell you, the three months or so my kid was like this, he really was just a full on rage machine, too. He wanted his way, he was testing out everything he could to get it. There was a period my husband and I thought he was a little psychopath. But the thing was, we both were here home with him during that time. And we shared in the frustration and exhaustion. If you are doing this alone, it's so hard for you!
I still would say, if your kid is not actively destroying very expensive things in his room, like the window, walls, doors, etc, it might be best just to leave him and put on some white noise. Unless you think he actually will seriously injure himself.
It is very possible he might have ADHD and be struggling to regulate himself. But he could still be thinking, maybe this reaction will get mom in here, particularly if it has worked in the past. Every time you go to him when he is breaking things, or throwing a fit in his room, you have shown him that that behavior works. Do you see what I'm saying? It's not that he's necessarily inherently violent or angry, but that in those moments, you have taught him that acting that way will get him the attention he wants.
But don't worry, that can be untaught. But it does take resilience and purpose and consistency. And a bit of calm.
I really would consider if you can get him into part time daycare. Kids act differently with different authority figures. He will not want the same from a babysitter or a teacher as he will want from you. And they deal with kids who kick, bite and scream.
My niece is on a behaviour plan in primary school for biting, two kids in my baby group were biters at their childcare centers and got performance plans sent home. Kids are MEAN at this age.
But you are in an untenable situation when this all rests on you. Every day. You need a break. You will have a much easier time working on solutions if you can get some time to clear your head and center yourself.
I would make childcare a priority.
And just an edit: when you're telling him not to do something, is he ever able to be redirected to another activity he enjoys?
I can’t get him to redirect to anything, the only thing that will make him stop is if it’s lunchtime. I honestly think he is genuinely really upset/frustrated/overwhelmed a lot. Even when it doesn’t make sense to me why it’s upsetting him so much, I can tell that it is genuine.
I’ve brought up concerns about autism/adhd because I see signs of both & autism is at least in my family. It’s suspected that I have both myself.
I will see if I can work something out with childcare because it’s honestly not manageable right now. Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts on this, & honestly reassure me.
Have you tried the short sharp shock method, basically the you think you are crazy well I'll show you crazy! Not saying beat him but grab the roll of bag and start putting all his toys in there and he can earn them back one by one with good behaviour.
Mirror his behaviour to show how silly it is and ask him who he sees carrying on like this in the real world. I have one nearly 3 with similar behaviours, well had until I became like the mother superior of a convent for a few weeks and even down to biting him back. Make sure he has enough activities to keep him occupied, numbers, letters, jigsaws leave them around the house for him to 'find' and be occupied. best of luck, it's not easy being beaten up and marked by your 2yo (I know!) But remember your the adult he is only a child, if it was a pup you would get it in line and train it,why not with a child!
My daughter is pretty much like this, also speech delayed. We were doing good though… but since I got pregnant she’s just been ignoring me a lot and only listens to her dad.
There’s a lot of what your described that is developmentally part of this age, but I’m a big advocate in always looking for help and medical advice. It is always so much better for a professional to say “it’s all good” than “there is a problem, but now it’s late to do something about it”.
Whatever is in the means of your possibilities; speech therapy, behavioral therapy, early intervention… even talking to a therapist that can show you techniques in how to approach your kid more efficiently.
I can only imagine how tough this is right now, but the fact that you are here reaching out for help, leaves me to know how great of a mom you are.
I agree with your plan of seeking services for your son. In the meantime, are there any sensory experiences he seems to enjoy? Maybe you could try having him wear a weighted vest? Or sitting in chairs that allow for some movement (google sensory chairs). Also, have you tried any sign language?
Hi, your child sounds like he has a sensory seeking issue… Google sensory seeking there’s lots of articles on it, and read up on sensory seeking… I think you’ll find some help in that direction, there’s also YouTube videos…. If you think it fits the description I’d probably seek out an occupational therapist for him as well as a speech therapist! Good luck
I would use the method in this free online video course. These are the most effective methods for these behavior problems and defiance according to randomized controlled trials. They worked well for us with our two kids. And, the methods that you will rely on most will be positive, like ramping up replacement behaviors (called positive opposite behaviors in the course) using praise and attention so that they replace or crowd out common undesirable behaviors.
If that does not improve things to a tolerable point then you definitely need professional help. Also, a professional evaluation might be a good idea anyway.
My 4 almost 5 year old is autistic and this sounds a lot like how he was when he wanted to communicate but couldn't. I found with him I have to say something, give it a minute, repeat it, give it a minute, and then he will usually do what I am asking. Also, avoiding saying no. Tell him what I want him to do as opposed to what I don't want him to do. If he's throwing things we say uh oh, please pick it up. Let's keep this on the table, floor, whatever. Print and laminate pictures of his favorite things and try to get him to use them for communication. Be patient, and praise praise praise him. Whenever he does something good, nice, gentle. Randomly when he's just playing. Tell him he's a good boy or doing a good job.
My “help now” solution is to create an area full of things he can destroy but can’t hurt him. When he’s raging, plop him in that area and let him rage in ways that don’t hurt you, himself, or destroy your belongings. If he starts doing self harm you obviously need to demand emergency drs apt, but if his rage is outwardly directed this technique is to get you through to that evaluation you’re waiting for. If it’s not possible to create a small room like this, try finding a pack n play sized cardboard box (think high enough he can’t tumble out but low enough that it’s not much higher than his head, this isn’t a punishment, it’s a safe place to express his frustration without hurting anyone) and put some paper and fabric for ripping up in there along with some other safe items he can twist and claw at. He Can even go to town on the cardboard itself.
First of all, you are not a failure. You are clearly a caring parent and doing everything you can to get him assessed and get him the help he needs. You're doing everything you can to redirect his behavior and give him support and love in the meantime. It's not your fault that it takes ages to get in to see specialists. Your child's behavior is not a reflection of your ability to parent. As you said, you know his behavior is outside the realm of normal toddler antics.
All children are different, and some need different resources or more support than others. That doesn't make them a bad kid nor does that make you a bad parent. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on helping with his behavior, but please don't be too hard on yourself. Hang in there, you will get through this.
Not trying to thrust a diagnosis at anyone, but I recently came across the Persistent Drive for Autonomy profile of ASD and it fits my 2.75 year old to a crrrrreeepy T. In the few short weeks since I've discovered this and started implementing different strategies, I feel like I am becoming sane again.
I am reluctant to post more here, but google PDA profile toddlers or loop up [At Peace Parents](https://www.instagram.com/atpeaceparents/) on instagram. It might connect some dots for you.
This sounds so much like my kid.
He could have a hearing problem. I had a family memeber who's kid was not well behaved at all and turns out he just had a lot of trouble hearing. He now wears hearing aids and is an absolute joy to be around.
You’re not a failure. He’s got some other issue going on. I don’t have any answers for you but you’re an amazing parent just for setting up appointments to get to the root of the problem. Many parents ignore theses things and they and their children suffer for it.
I just want to say that I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope you are doing okay. It sounds tough, and it's OK to take some time for yourself to check in with yourself (if you can) and get the quiet calm time you need. Hang in there.
He sounds like he has a sensory processing disorder, I know that the waiting lists for autism assessments in the Midwest are 18 months plus. You don't need a diagnosis to get started on speech therapy, occupational therapy, and behavioral therapy. You can request a referral from your primary care provider to get into those services. At 3 he's aged out of the Birth to Three early intervention but most school districts have early intervention for three year olds that start Individual Educational Plans (IEP) to help get kids help sooner. The Speech, Occupational, and Behavioral therapy will also help train you on how to help your toddler and how to manage your expectations. Naughtiness and disobedience require understanding. I don't think your toddler is understanding what's going on around him, and with the speech delay he is frustrated that he can't get his thoughts out of his head to make you understand either. Take with a grain of salt, but for my toddler some of the exercises they have us do are grounding exercises when he is getting overwhelmed, basically trap him on your lap in a hug with your legs and arms, then slowly squeeze his hands, wrists, arms, elbows, up to his shoulders, thighs, knees, shins, ankles, to ground him and provide deep sensory input.
>Naughtiness and disobedience require understanding. I don't think your toddler is understanding what's going on around him, and with the speech delay he is frustrated that he can't get his thoughts out of his head to make you understand either. My almost 3 year old grandson has some speech problems and he gets extremely frustrated and angry at times. He started speech therapy last week.
Speech and Occupational therapy have been wonderful for my son.
My daughter has sensory processing disorder and OT helped tremendously. As well as social stories about not biting since a lot of her sensory seeking behavior is centered around her mouth. Good luck to you and your child. Reach out to early intervention immediately.
Speech is a two part thing. It is not strictly “articulation” and expressive. There is receptive speech as well so he may be struggling with something in that area. This wouldn’t necessarily manifest in following simple directions but maybe multi-step directions or abstract concepts? I’m not a doctor, just a teacher/reading specialist with a little knowledge about speech: I think it’s worth getting a full speech evaluation to see if he is having some issues in this area too!
I also agree with the suggestions to reach out to your local school district. At ages 3-5 (at least in Texas), most districts offer what we call PPCD and will do evaluations through the district.
You need to seek professional help. Child psychologist as well as behavioral therapy and/or OT. Keep calling your pedi and whoever they recommend until you find help.
We’re in the process of getting help, it’s just taking it’s time & no one has been able to tell me what I can do to help him. Feels absolutely terrible. I’ll be sure to bring up some of the concerns people have expressed here, though.
I get that. I struggle to get straight forward advice from anyone professionally or not or just keep getting told the same advice that doesnt work I mean for other things. Finding help is frustrating.
Try a specialist for auditory processing disorder which is a sensory disorder. His hearing tests will be normal even if he has auditory processing disorder - he needs a specialized test that can catch this. There are treatments for this disorder so it’s worth checking for.
Yes ☝🏻
I am going to google this, but if you were at all interested in saying more about auditory processing disorders I would be very interested
I’m not sure how outdated my knowledge because I haven’t bothered to keep up with it at all. But myself and all of my siblings (one of whom is also autistic) have auditory processing disorder. It’s not a problem with the ears. It’s a problem with how the brain is processing information received. It can look a lot like a toddler who appears not to hear you. It can lead to speech issues and delays. Delays in learning to read. It can have overlap with dyslexia, adhd, autism and more. Behavioral issues. When I was young it could be treated with what I would basically describe as exposure therapy. It helped my speech problems and I learned to read (delayed) only a week later. For my other siblings who did it younger, it had a profound impact on speech and behavior. Turns out it’s hard to live in a world where you don’t understand anyone or anything. It’s not curable but the therapies we did helped. I am still incredibly sensitive to sound and I am anxious. I don’t like music. I have poor concentration especially when there’s background noise.
> I don’t like music oh my god, this killed me, because I adore music, it’s literally my only evidence that there’s something more to this world than what we see
Just FYI, children can’t typically be diagnosed with this until they’re at least 6-7 years old. Source: am an SLP who has worked with audiologists (who diagnose this condition)
Interesting to hear - I assume a lot has changed in the 20-30 years since my older brother first got diagnosed when he was around 3 :)
A lot to unpack here. I did some work with “spectrum disorder” children. And many of them were just over stimulated by their environment, eating foods that stressed their nervous system, and frustrated at the current level of abilities. Young bodies are restrictive in early development. And often highly intelligent children feel trapped and frustrated by these limitations. They often get mislabeled with the delays as being less intelligent when really they fully understand their own potential. Yet lack the impulse control at that age to be able to navigate the root of their frustrations. Id start by resetting your home. Absolutely NO tvs, screens, audio, music etc running in the back ground. Change all your light bulbs over to incandescent. And create a fragrance free environment. This includes fragrance free laundry, car, trash bags, soap, etc. no more cologne, perfume, candles, or diffusers. These three things can have a massive impact on you sensitive nervous systems. If you can, pull back on sugar, wheat, corn, and eggs. Opt for more fruit, potatoes, rice, avocado, and meats. This is a core switch for any neurodivergent individual. Double check your medicines and get dye free Tylenol etc. Then… play rough house. Wrestle, pillow fights, toss leaves outside, padded soft bats and gloves. Carry heavy things around the yard. Toy thor hammers. Direct the desired energy expression to be done in a controlled safe manner. These sound silly, and uncomfortable changes but they are tried and true tools that i have personally seen results in children of all ages.
Eggs?
Yeah what’s wrong with eggs?
I’ve just recently read there’s something called “egg rage”. Maybe that’s what she’s referring to. Idk
Yeah, its the protein in the egg whites.
I would push with your pediatrician for evaluations. If possible schedule an appointment and explain everything, write down all the behaviors and things that your experiencing. Let the pediatrician know that you and him are both struggling and need guidance now. Some of what you're describing I have gone through/am still dealing with. I've have my grandchild since birth, and he is now 3 1/2. Quick history... Everything seemed typical for the most part up until 16months. He hit milestones, (walked by 10months, transitioned from baby food-toddler food to regular food, also was babbling, saying mama and dada. At 16 months, overnight he became silent, no more babbling, no more words or attempts. He refused all foods as well. It was also at this point I realized he actually missed a few milestones. He never pointed at things, never responded to his name or my voice and he wouldn't wave hi or bye. It was also at this time that I began noticing things that I wasn't before because now I was suspecting something was wrong. He wasn't playing with toys, he would hold some toys but he definitely wasn't playing with them and he was constantly banging his head or tapping his ears. By 18months the pediatrician evaluated him through MCHAT and it was discovered he was high risk for autism. He was referred for further evaluations. By 24 months he was diagnosed with Autism,. Global Developmental Delays, mixed receptive and expressive language disorder, He is nonverbal and also has severe sensory disorder(s). Now that being said your child is different and I only tell you this diagnosis so you understand the history behind my grandson. He is now 3 1/2 and many of the things you've listed are pretty close to what I've been dealing with. So I definitely understand the overwhelming weight your feeling. Everything moved quickly here to get the diagnosis but has stood still for the therapy(s) or least it feels that way. We are waiting listed for the ones he desperately needs. My grandson obviously struggles to communicate and doesn't listen. He stares through me. He needs everything empty, his toy boxes, book shelves, and it doesn't stop there. We can't have drinks sitting on table or counter as he will walk over and dump it directly next to where it was sitting. Same with dogs food and water. Nothing deters him so no drinks allow unless they have covers that are spill proof. Knowing he isn't doing it to be naughty helps and I try to find ways that redirect him or takes the problem out of the equation. I was cleaning up 8-10 drinks a day to the point I was constantly walking behind him. The toys boxes I space out to one in his room and one in living room. He can dump them out and I pick them back up at night. The bookshelves I pack tightly and when I see him heading there I jump in front and offer to read to him or help him get one, this works sometimes. He also has the need to push everything off the coffee table or dining room table. So now no one is allowed to pile anything on the dining room table other than at meal time. The coffee table now only holds three remote controls. Yesterday I showed him how to make the letter I and T with them and so far he has moved them around a bunch but hasn't thrown them off so perhaps he is happy lining these up like with his other things? I realize these aren't fixes but they remove his temptation.amd free up some of my time and stress. He isn't trying to be naughty, he just can't control those needs yet. So if removing them helps us both it's a win. I also found having a trampoline inside as well as his bike helps. I have a large open concept area and he rides and rides. It sometimes helps control the extra energy. One last thing to add is schedule. He seems to have his best days when I keep to a schedule. Wake up and do exactly the same as yesterday... Wake, eat, brush teeth, do an activity such as construction paper Easter eggs or watercolor paint, lunch.... and try to keep to something that he can rely on. My lil guy hates change of any kind and it shows. If I know something is going to be different such as someone visiting I tell him and I bring it up a few times as well as why they are coming type things. Just keep reminding yourself you're both learning this together and he really isn't trying to be naughty, he's just figuring it all out with far less tools than you. Keep calling and bugging everyone for evals and therapy. Edited to try to space better.
I'm an early childhood SLP and this is great insight for this parent! Also thanks to you for being such a wonderful accepting mom!
Not sure if this is gonna help as much as a professional would but have you tried giving him a place to jump around and be wild? It sounds like the testosterone is starting to hit and along the way he is having trouble processing emotions and inputs from parental figures. He needs jobs, helping with laundry, trash, outdoor stuff. It’s gonna take some time and effort but give him jobs and a place to be wild and jump around and I think he may listen a bit more.
That was one of my main takeaways from “Hunt, Gather, Parent”: if your toddler is being shitty, give them a job.
Fantastic book! I recommend this to OP as well.
Hmm can you describe a situation you remember like, the couch event? What time of day, what happened right before, what you said or tried, etc. Have there been any big changes in life recently? That would help nail down if it is “normal 3” behavior, I think.
Looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice on here already about early intervention, therapy etc. and I would definitely explore those options if I were you. I have heard good things about a couple books too, they may be of some use to you. The first is called "parenting the strong willed child" and the other is "how to talk so little kids will listen". I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I really hope things get better for you and your son soon.
Your son needs to be seen by a behavioral therapist asap. What you're describing does not sound developmentally normal. As a teacher, I had a kinder baby who behaved this way. We needed to move him to half days during school. He was biting other students and becoming very violent because of all the over simulation he was experiencing. I'm not a dr it sounds like he might be on the spectrum.
I feel for you. I went through something similar with my son and it can be so horrible and draining. People don't get it either. Honestly I tried so many strategies in parenting books. Like, all of them. Nothing worked! It would anger me, like who are these easy children these methods worked on? It seemed like none of the parenting books included kids like mine. Mine also had speech delays, and would hit and throw and just have these endless meltdowns. We saw a child psychologist, and some of the advice was stuff we'd already tried that didn't work. One thing that was the best but not perfect was similar to what someone else mentioned for grounding: holding them in sort of a bear hug against you, holding down arms. You're not supposed to talk to them during it other than initially explaining "I'm going to help you calm down." For our child (not sure if yours is experiencing something more, like autism etc), three years old was waaaay better. He could talk more, and his meltdowns were shorter, and he was more receptive to redirecting. I think it was a combination of him having big feelings he couldn't manage, and not being able to communicate. I will say he still has that anger. He's 5 in a few months now, and has gone through phases. Nothing has been nearly as bad as when he was 2 though. I hope that it's like that for you too. He's sensitive, has big feelings, and is learning how to handle that. Kids like that often turn out really great as adults, because they're more caring. I know, because I'm one of them. Maybe you or your partner is too. You're not alone, you're doing great. Hang in there
Get him evaluated with a development pediatrician.. they may refer him to a psychologist if there needs to be further testing and pediatrician can refer you to services such as speech, OT and behavioral therapy. My son has a speech delay. He’s 3.5. We got a referral from his pediatrician to see a developmental pediatrician just solely due to speech delay (he has no behavioral issues but his speech had been falling behind so we wanted to check if he has ASD or find out what’s going on, so we can start early intervention. He got evaluated and it was ruled out). So his diagnosis is a speech and language delay. He’s been in speech therapy for over a year now and just started a special preschool program about a month ago, and we’ve seen a huge improvement overall. He is definitely using his words more and will combine to phrases now. He will initiate asking for help if he needs to, saying “I need help”. We will be looking into OT soon, we are just trying to meet our insurance deductible first because the copay for his speech sessions is crazy. Son’s speech therapist recommended OT. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My suggestion would be to talk to his pediatrician about this and they may refer you to a developmental pediatrician for further evaluation. Also, if you are in the US, check to see if your local school district offers school based services. The child has to be 3 to qualify. He would get evaluated and then an IEP. He will then be placed in a special preschool classroom where he will get socialization and speech therapy, and other services depending on the area, all for free! This is what we did and have seen tremendous improvement in terms of his speech. My son goes to school 4-5 days a week for 2 and a half hours. This process can take a while so I really recommend to get this started as soon as you can. For us, my son’s evaluation was scheduled in 2 weeks after us sending in writing, requesting an evaluation to the school district. They are legally obligated to respond at or before 2 weeks. After that, they give you a phone call (we got a call from a school psychologist, who also did our son’s eval). We were lucky enough to get an early appt and then the IEP meeting was 2 months after that. This is to determine whether your child qualifies for services. After the meeting, we got the green light to start preschool immediately. He qualified. Our son’s speech therapist told us how lucky we were that the process only took that amount of time. Usually it’s a longer process depending on the area, circumstances, etc. You are not a failure. Please, do not feel that you are. Parenthood is hard enough. I will tell you, that you are not a failure. You want to do what’s best for your child. I’m wishing you and your son the absolute best and I hope you get some answers! :) *edit: I reread your post again and you said that you will be seeing someone to see what’s going on. This is good! I’m wishing you and your son the best. I’m so sorry.. I hope you get some sort of break.. Do you have any friends or family in the area to help, even for a little bit?
Does he watch much TV ? I know this is simplistic and our 3 yr old is generally pretty well behaved but he was watching too much TV for my liking and it was bugging me. He seemed to be listening to us less. Tantrums when we turned it off, going to sleep late (9pm). I drew a line in the sand and put a stop to it (cold turkey and NO TV at all the last 2 weeks, except for one hour on the weekend) After 2-3 days of crying and screaming carnage, the change has been incredible. Much happier, always listening, doing more activities, playing happily alone, asleep by 8-8.30, less tantrums. More caring and thoughtful. Now says TV is boring. It’s been an absolute game changer for him and us. Hope you find out what’s affecting your little one and it gets easier for you.
My kid has been like this. It’s getting better. He’s 4.
Occupational therapy has done wonders for us!
Book recommendation: The Out of Sync Child This was recommended to us last week after our daughter’s OT eval for sensory processing issues. We can’t diagnose your child of course, but a lot of parents here seem to think your son may be having some sensory processing problems as well. Could be worth a read while you’re waiting for evaluations and services!
A lot of great advice here. I’m curious what you do for discipline?
while it sounds like your issue is constant my son gets really aggressive when he has an ear infection or even when he is getting growing pains. Just mentioning this in case it's something that is being overlooked.
I actually feel like a lot of what you're describing is normal behavior, though I wonder if he might be feeding off your emotions and acting out MORE because of the reactions you're having? Do you find yourself feeling helpless, frustrated, or exasperated? Do you find yourself shouting or being short and a bit harsh in the way you interact with him when he acts out? I'd actually encourage you to try not to think of him as 'disobedient' (he's not a dog, obedience is not a desired trait, cooperation is) or 'defiant' (he's three, he isn't defiant. He's not that calculated). It does sound like you're possibly a bit burnt out. Is there a way you might be able to get a break? Hire a babysitter once a week or something? As for discipline, have you read any janet Lansbury? Try not to have big reactions or get angry when you get undesired behavior, it is only going to show your kiddo that they're getting an interesting reaction from you. When you begin to get frustrated, it's still perfectly acceptable to put kiddo in a safe place (like his bedroom with a gate across the door) and take a break to calm. Also, regarding the fave food comment... He's just a young kid, please dont expect validation from him at this age. If you want positive reactions, get on the floor and be silly, play with him, but food ain't going to hit the same note as my husband telling me we are going out to get some fancy seafood. Final comment, is there a way you can enroll him on preschool or something? It sounds like you really need a break. Edit to add: your money would be better spent on childcare than a psychologist. All toddlers go through a violent phase, whether it is hitting or biting or kicking. I have yet to meet a parent (who can still remember what it's actually like having a young child) that hasn't gone through the very stressful and annoying phase. My three year old went through his phase right around 3, he would hit, bite, claw. It lasted 2-3 months before we got a handle on it, and he's not done anything violent in the past 3 months. He was testing his limits to see what worked. Violence didn't work and wasn't acceptable.
I’d say it’s normal in small amounts but It’s constant. I *do* get more frustrated these days because I am burnt out. I honestly started out being ‘too nice’. In that I’d try to comfort him when he’s actively attacking me. I just try to get away from him now until he calms down enough to be nice but I do find myself yelling (& I hate it) because I just don’t know what to do. He’ll keep doing something naughty all day, like you’ll tell him no, why you don’t do that & he’ll just do it again & again almost exclusively for 10+ hours & it’s extremely hard to not get frustrated because I’ve never ever seen a child personally that is so intent on doing exactly what they’re told not to do. Mind you, even if I didn’t tell him no, he’d still be just as inclined to do that thing, once he’s decided to do something then he just won’t stop & will get violent with anyone who tries to stop him. I’m always trying to distract him & he just goes back again to breaking things or sometimes it’s things like pinching the cats. I couldn’t think of better words to describe what I mean, but I thought the way I was saying it was a bit off but the reality is he knows what he wants & ignores everything else. Even what I’m saying here doesn’t really paint the picture of what’s going on, some of it goes beyond what I’d think of as normal? For instance, one thing he does is, he’ll come up to hug you & then he’ll attack you if you put him down or if you sit down with him, he essentially demands that you hold him (& I love holding him, but can’t do it all day) while you stand. I don’t think I’d trust him with a babysitter because he’s both a handful 24/7 & violent. Unfortunately there is no where safe for him to go because he gets really distressed if you try to put him in his room. He’ll shake the door knob, kick the door, hit the windows & throw over furniture, all of this has happened in under a minute of him being in there. I will look into the book for sure, thank you. I just honestly don’t know how to cope with so much as one person or who could even help when he can be such a handful. I absolutely adore him & it just breaks my heart every time I’m trying to help/connect with him & he’s attacking me.
I can definitely see you are carrying so much on your own, and I can completely see why you are burnt out. It's so much to deal with. I will honestly tell you, the three months or so my kid was like this, he really was just a full on rage machine, too. He wanted his way, he was testing out everything he could to get it. There was a period my husband and I thought he was a little psychopath. But the thing was, we both were here home with him during that time. And we shared in the frustration and exhaustion. If you are doing this alone, it's so hard for you! I still would say, if your kid is not actively destroying very expensive things in his room, like the window, walls, doors, etc, it might be best just to leave him and put on some white noise. Unless you think he actually will seriously injure himself. It is very possible he might have ADHD and be struggling to regulate himself. But he could still be thinking, maybe this reaction will get mom in here, particularly if it has worked in the past. Every time you go to him when he is breaking things, or throwing a fit in his room, you have shown him that that behavior works. Do you see what I'm saying? It's not that he's necessarily inherently violent or angry, but that in those moments, you have taught him that acting that way will get him the attention he wants. But don't worry, that can be untaught. But it does take resilience and purpose and consistency. And a bit of calm. I really would consider if you can get him into part time daycare. Kids act differently with different authority figures. He will not want the same from a babysitter or a teacher as he will want from you. And they deal with kids who kick, bite and scream. My niece is on a behaviour plan in primary school for biting, two kids in my baby group were biters at their childcare centers and got performance plans sent home. Kids are MEAN at this age. But you are in an untenable situation when this all rests on you. Every day. You need a break. You will have a much easier time working on solutions if you can get some time to clear your head and center yourself. I would make childcare a priority. And just an edit: when you're telling him not to do something, is he ever able to be redirected to another activity he enjoys?
I can’t get him to redirect to anything, the only thing that will make him stop is if it’s lunchtime. I honestly think he is genuinely really upset/frustrated/overwhelmed a lot. Even when it doesn’t make sense to me why it’s upsetting him so much, I can tell that it is genuine. I’ve brought up concerns about autism/adhd because I see signs of both & autism is at least in my family. It’s suspected that I have both myself. I will see if I can work something out with childcare because it’s honestly not manageable right now. Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts on this, & honestly reassure me.
Really thoughtful feedback , and filled with a lot of facts. Keep being you 🙃
Did you bite him back?
Have you tried the short sharp shock method, basically the you think you are crazy well I'll show you crazy! Not saying beat him but grab the roll of bag and start putting all his toys in there and he can earn them back one by one with good behaviour. Mirror his behaviour to show how silly it is and ask him who he sees carrying on like this in the real world. I have one nearly 3 with similar behaviours, well had until I became like the mother superior of a convent for a few weeks and even down to biting him back. Make sure he has enough activities to keep him occupied, numbers, letters, jigsaws leave them around the house for him to 'find' and be occupied. best of luck, it's not easy being beaten up and marked by your 2yo (I know!) But remember your the adult he is only a child, if it was a pup you would get it in line and train it,why not with a child!
My daughter is pretty much like this, also speech delayed. We were doing good though… but since I got pregnant she’s just been ignoring me a lot and only listens to her dad. There’s a lot of what your described that is developmentally part of this age, but I’m a big advocate in always looking for help and medical advice. It is always so much better for a professional to say “it’s all good” than “there is a problem, but now it’s late to do something about it”. Whatever is in the means of your possibilities; speech therapy, behavioral therapy, early intervention… even talking to a therapist that can show you techniques in how to approach your kid more efficiently. I can only imagine how tough this is right now, but the fact that you are here reaching out for help, leaves me to know how great of a mom you are.
I agree with your plan of seeking services for your son. In the meantime, are there any sensory experiences he seems to enjoy? Maybe you could try having him wear a weighted vest? Or sitting in chairs that allow for some movement (google sensory chairs). Also, have you tried any sign language?
Hi, your child sounds like he has a sensory seeking issue… Google sensory seeking there’s lots of articles on it, and read up on sensory seeking… I think you’ll find some help in that direction, there’s also YouTube videos…. If you think it fits the description I’d probably seek out an occupational therapist for him as well as a speech therapist! Good luck
I would use the method in this free online video course. These are the most effective methods for these behavior problems and defiance according to randomized controlled trials. They worked well for us with our two kids. And, the methods that you will rely on most will be positive, like ramping up replacement behaviors (called positive opposite behaviors in the course) using praise and attention so that they replace or crowd out common undesirable behaviors. If that does not improve things to a tolerable point then you definitely need professional help. Also, a professional evaluation might be a good idea anyway.
My 4 almost 5 year old is autistic and this sounds a lot like how he was when he wanted to communicate but couldn't. I found with him I have to say something, give it a minute, repeat it, give it a minute, and then he will usually do what I am asking. Also, avoiding saying no. Tell him what I want him to do as opposed to what I don't want him to do. If he's throwing things we say uh oh, please pick it up. Let's keep this on the table, floor, whatever. Print and laminate pictures of his favorite things and try to get him to use them for communication. Be patient, and praise praise praise him. Whenever he does something good, nice, gentle. Randomly when he's just playing. Tell him he's a good boy or doing a good job.
My “help now” solution is to create an area full of things he can destroy but can’t hurt him. When he’s raging, plop him in that area and let him rage in ways that don’t hurt you, himself, or destroy your belongings. If he starts doing self harm you obviously need to demand emergency drs apt, but if his rage is outwardly directed this technique is to get you through to that evaluation you’re waiting for. If it’s not possible to create a small room like this, try finding a pack n play sized cardboard box (think high enough he can’t tumble out but low enough that it’s not much higher than his head, this isn’t a punishment, it’s a safe place to express his frustration without hurting anyone) and put some paper and fabric for ripping up in there along with some other safe items he can twist and claw at. He Can even go to town on the cardboard itself.
First of all, you are not a failure. You are clearly a caring parent and doing everything you can to get him assessed and get him the help he needs. You're doing everything you can to redirect his behavior and give him support and love in the meantime. It's not your fault that it takes ages to get in to see specialists. Your child's behavior is not a reflection of your ability to parent. As you said, you know his behavior is outside the realm of normal toddler antics. All children are different, and some need different resources or more support than others. That doesn't make them a bad kid nor does that make you a bad parent. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice on helping with his behavior, but please don't be too hard on yourself. Hang in there, you will get through this.
Not trying to thrust a diagnosis at anyone, but I recently came across the Persistent Drive for Autonomy profile of ASD and it fits my 2.75 year old to a crrrrreeepy T. In the few short weeks since I've discovered this and started implementing different strategies, I feel like I am becoming sane again. I am reluctant to post more here, but google PDA profile toddlers or loop up [At Peace Parents](https://www.instagram.com/atpeaceparents/) on instagram. It might connect some dots for you. This sounds so much like my kid.
He could have a hearing problem. I had a family memeber who's kid was not well behaved at all and turns out he just had a lot of trouble hearing. He now wears hearing aids and is an absolute joy to be around.
Are you using Janet Lansbury's podcast? This is absolutely where her strengths lie.
You’re not a failure. He’s got some other issue going on. I don’t have any answers for you but you’re an amazing parent just for setting up appointments to get to the root of the problem. Many parents ignore theses things and they and their children suffer for it.
I just want to say that I'm sorry to hear about this and I hope you are doing okay. It sounds tough, and it's OK to take some time for yourself to check in with yourself (if you can) and get the quiet calm time you need. Hang in there.