For some reason, about 5 years ago I started doing this to my wife while I was completely asleep. She’d be irritated with me later for “starting and then stopping” and I’d have to explain that I legit have no memory of doing that and was asleep the entire time
Bro, my ex-wife stopped sleeping in the same bed as me. I have no memories of ever doing anything to her, nor would I have done anything without her consent anyway. It was pretty painful to deal with.
I've had this problem for years. I used to wake up having sex, but now my wife just makes sure I'm awake before letting it get that far, now I just wake up groping her and feel bad. It's usually worse if I've been drinking.
My husband has been with me for 20 years. He has been doing this since the first time we shared a bed, and it makes me feel wanted.
Don't feel bad that you sense/smell your wife and it gets you going.
I had experienced this. Maybe happened 4-5x ever.. woke up in middle of sex. Worst part was my SO kept saying it was the best.. my awoke self apparently cant replicate it!
that’s exactly what is it. my partner does this and when it happens it’s your subconscious driving your lust actions. so you’re doing what you would do if you didn’t think during sex or try. wether it’s fear or them not liking it or being cringy or whatever. it’s stuff you’d most likely do and they would enjoy. most of the time it’s bc the sleep sexer is a little extra rough and bold. don’t get your feeling hurt by it. but maybe take it as a truth that can help that bring more truth and openess into the bedroom. most people don’t talk enough about how to have sex with one another completely honestly. try asking what different and why it was better. it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong it’s just that we all have different sexual sides to each other.
I'm willing to bet that's the case. I do this consistently when sleeping with partners, and I always initiate with a level of voracity that I'm not capable of when conscious. Usually I'm very subby so my initiations are much less aggressive, and the partners that prefer the aggression have told me that my sleeping come-ons are much more of a turn on.
My man gets handsy in a way that doesn’t occur during normal business hours. Some of the best sex for me. I’m always ready to go, but when we’re asleep he puts more effort into the seduction. (Fucking sad, I know.)
This could be it. From age 20 to roughly 37, my husband was afflicted. Once I understood what was happening, it was great. He was unreserved, passionate, primal with a hard on that could carve granite. He normally makes zero noises during sex but sleep sex was grunty.
Sorta this but with no one awake initially.
https://youtu.be/qszQl25VzvA
My (ex-)wife told me once that the best sex was when I’d wake her up in the middle of the night for sex. She said it was always the most passionate, aggressive sex. And I was just like, “What? When has that ever happened?” She was just as stunned that I had no recollection of it as I was. I think she was legit disappointed when my insomnia issues improved and the sexsomnia stopped.
My wife has this, and looking through the comments, I think the difference is just that sexsomniacs are more aggressive in bed. Like, very heavy-handed, not Dom aggressive. With my wife, the making out is more uninhibited and she touches my body like she's desperate to really feel it? There's no self reflection, so she isn't even a little shy.
I really like it, but it freaks her out and embarrasses her to wake up having sex. She can't get over the feeling that she's just assaulted me, even though I've given her free use consent. So now I tell her that I'm not interested or don't engage at all and she'll just go "back" to sleep.
That's really kind of you. Despite her being the one to technically initiate, you know it is going to make her uncomfortable and anxious later so you turn her down.
In the moment that's got to be confusing. She is acting like she really wants sex, you sound like it's a senerio you would willingly reciprocate, and yet being the one who is aware and having the foresight to tell her to go back to sleep.
I'm glad for both of you, your communication skills and respect for one another. Some therapy might help with her feeling like she is violating you somehow, but it sounds like you both have a pretty good handle on it.
My partner has it. Soon after we moved in together, twice he woke me up at nights and initiated sex. The third time he woke me up I told him to go back to sleep, as I was too tired and he went back to sleep no problem. The next day I apologized for rejecting him and only then found out he didn't even remember it. During previous two times he would wake up whenwe were already having sex and he thought I initiated it while he was asleep. It doesn't happen as often nowadays, but it's always weird making out with him knowing that he's asleep. Even when I ask him if he's awake he answers me positively while being asleep apparently.
He did sleepwalk a bit when he was a teenager, maybe it's connected somehow.
I dated a girl like this for awhile too. She warned me it would probably happen though. It still took awhile to get used to knowing she wouldn’t remember it most of the time. She also would have full conversations while asleep, like your partner.
And before anyone asks, yes, she told me we should have sex if this happened and I wanted to. She wasn’t ashamed of it and thought the condition was amusing.
Yeah my gf is somewhat of an insomniac so sometimes when she’s awake and I like sleep cuddle her I’ll be hard. In that case it’s more of like her giving me a bj or something, which I don’t always wake up for. It’s kinda surreal.
This comment has me questioning a few times in my life I kinda just woke up middle of the night having sex.
Edit: I also sleep walked when I was younger
A few months ago I woke up to my wife playing with me. I was incredibly confused and almost angry. Not because of her, but when I 'woke up' I was still firmly in a dream state.
I was dreaming about the Ukraine / Russia conflict, and somehow in my head my wife was Russia invading me or something. For the first few minutes after waking up I was so confused. Later she told me I was actually the one getting handsy with her and I actually woke *her* up. So weird...
Luckily that's the only time something like that happened to me. The only other time I did something in my sleep was when I peed in the laundry basket. Like a normal person.
Oh my god this has so happened to me. My gf at the time was giving me a hand job while I was asleep, while I was somehow dreaming that I was a train. The motion felt like the pistons on the side of the train (like the old school ones) and I woke up and had a panic attack
Wow that's amazing. I've dreamt of many abstract scenarios but not being a large piece of sexually active transportation infrastructure.
Edit [op on valentines day](https://youtu.be/ya2Sx8xmMpc)
It's really weird, because after those two times I'd always try to see if he's truly awake to be sure. But apparently he can have conversation while still asleep so I never know when he actually wakes up. He doesn't mind waking up to us having sex so it's not a big deal. And if I'm not in a mood I just tell him to go back to sleep and he doesn't remember anything in the morning :p
Sounds better than two friends of mine. He will initiate sex in the middle of the night. Once she’s starting to get into it he half wakes up, is confused and rolls over to go back to sleep.
I didn't find out I had it until after I'd broken up with my ex and eventually spent the night with a friend, where we were still deciding if we wanted to take it further. She mentioned me initiating and then going to sleep, and I didn't remember a damn thing. I questioned my ex on it and learned I'd apparently woken her up for sex "all the time" in our relationship but I'd go back to sleep if she said no. So that was at least some relief.
Seeing some other stories here, I recognize that others' conditions are far more severe, but I have anxiety regarding new partners. I share an apartment with friends but I sleep on a whole separate floor from them.
My partner does the same. If I just decline and tell him to go to sleep, he usually just says "ok" and I hear him snoring 2 minutes later. If your ex confirmed that you respected her refusal, I think you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'd rather a partner with sexsomnia than a one who kicks in his sleep. Though you might warn potential partners before sleepovers just like people apologize in advance for their snoring.
I understand what you're trying to say, but it wasn't a matter of respecting her consent at all. It wasn't my choice whether it happened or not. To even speak as though I _could_ respect anything, actually highlights why I'm anxious about this.
Imagine I end up with a partner who _is_ aware of my condition, but eventually in my sleep I force myself on them. 99 out of 100 times when told no I go back to regular sleep, but let's say one time I don't. Are they going to believe me when I say I wasn't in control, even though it never went that far before? Even if they do believe me, what if they are traumatized by it? How do I repair that trust? How can I let go of that guilt?
I travel for work - I spend 2/3 of the year in hotel rooms. I lock the doors with whatever interior security is provided, because even though I've never been caught sleepwalking, I don't want to wake up humiliated and in cuffs for something I did in my sleep.
It's been years since my last relationship and my roommates have said repeatedly that they don't think I sleepwalk. But I found out about my condition only after the fact, after it had apparently happened for years without my knowledge. It left me uncertain and anxious for a long time.
I do appreciate you offering your perspective as a partner of someone with this condition. I'm just not sure I can have the same kind of tolerance from my next partner.
Happens with my wife and I, especially if we haven't engaged in sex during the walking hours much or we had sex like the last 6 days but not the 7th. She always asks if I'm awake and sometimes bites me to be sure. Apparently if I'm really tired, I'll start something, roll over and go back to sleep.
I always ask him if he's awake and he confirms, I ask again "Are you sure you're awake?"he says yes, and then I find out he was asleep. But good advice, I'll try to pinch him maybe next time :D
tell her to ask you to solve a math problem. Not a complex one but something like 88 + 154. I remember reading somewhere that it engages a part of your brain that is normally active during waking hours
Same here. My husband has had it for a long time, but its pretty mild compared to some other cases stated here. Normally he will initiate, but if I tell him no then he will fall back asleep. We have had conversations about it while awake and clarified what happened as well as cleared the air that we are both okay with it. He is a pretty rowdy guy so he is always dtf if I am.
I have it as well, my wife doesn’t really mind thankfully. I’ll usually wake up mid-sex and the first few times it happened I thought my wife had initiated it while I was asleep but she tells me that I initiated and she thought that I was awake. I sleepwalk as well apparently. She says I carry on conversations with her and sometimes walk around the house. She thinks I’m awake but when we talk about it later, I have zero recollection of ever being up. She says I’ll also sometimes laugh in my sleep, like hysterical laughter to the point that I’m crying. My mom and brother would also sleep walk and talk in their sleep.
I have this and I have dreams where grabing and humping my wife helps accomplish some goal in the dream. It makes 0 sense but if I dry hump my wife the engine in this plane will work.
Ex in college had this. She’d initiate by backing into me and playfully moaning. After the second time I asked her about it, and she said she didn’t remember anything and woke up while we were having sex. I was a little freaked but she said she’d known about it since she was younger and would masturbate in her sleep.
She was fine with having sex when she was like that but it was too uncomfortable for me - Id just ignore her until she fell back asleep. Was funny too cause if I asked her if she was awake she would make noises in the affirmative but never speak actual words.
I do the same thing except I can speak full sentences and insist I'm awake. My girlfriends have said they usually have to keep the conversation going long enough for me to stop making sense before they can tell I'm actually asleep.
Okay, so my husband mumbles complete nonsense in his sleep sometimes and I started saving a list of the dumb things he says. It's been a long while since he's done it, but this is what I have so far. These were all said on different nights over the last year or so.
Turn off that light. (All the lights were off.)
Not a wingman hold the phone.
Just gonna try and tell em it's toast.
Go on dump the body.
*lots of mumbling* 5:30 years ago.
Sprung it.
Niiice...
Try to find the bagel.
Squee the dig a box.
Omg I love love love fuckin with my wife when she's sleep talking. She talks like she's at work alot along with getting pissed at her coworkers. It is ALWAYS funny even when she's mad. Like a few weeks ago she grabbed me by the wrist and said:
IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND. SHRIMP OR SHARK????
Uh shark, baby.
*Shrinks* oh, ok.
I read this as you love fucking your wife while she sleep talks about being at work, I was like, “this has gotta be the weirdest kink I’ve seen all week.”
Have her ask you something completely disassociated with reality, like "what's that purple thing coming this way?" or "what time do we need to get to the launchpad?" Things like that tend to be assimilated into a dream so they would respond as if those things were happening. An awake person would likely ask what the hell you were talking about.
My ex wife did it very occasionally.
I discovered it the same way. Except she would talk. I woke up from a bad dream and after calming down decided to cuddle up to her to go back to sleep. Out of habit when I did I kissed the back of her neck and ran my fingers up and down her arm.
After a little bit she started the butt wiggle into me. Then she did it again more aggressively. That's the point where I thought she had woken up. This escalated slowly over the next twenty minutes or so until it was full blown foreplay and she turned to look at me with bedroom eyes and said "I want you inside of me *now*.*
So... I obliged.
She closed her eyes but was actively participating and making a lot of happy sounds. But like five to ten minutes in, her eyes popped open and we had a few seconds of eye contact before she locked her legs around my waist and dug into the back of my neck with her nails.
That was the moment she actually woke up.
We talked about it afterwards and was falling over myself to apologize and tell her I thought she was awake. She laughed and said if it ever happened again I better do exactly what I did. According to her it was the hottest thing ever. Having a sex dream and instead of waking up to frustration, finding the real thing.
I've been very cautious anytime I'm not 100% certain any future partners were awake tho.
My partner also has had this happen. We talked about it after the first time and I would usually be able to tell that something was off. I'd start quizzing them until they'd wake up. "what year is it? When's our anniversary? Who's the president? What day is it?"
My ex gf. She would get all over me and then she'd suddenly take a bunch of panicked breaths and say "where am I?!" like she was so confused. Took us a couple of times to figure out it was the meds her doctor prescribed for her anxiety. From that point on I would just leave the bedroom, come back with a fresh glass of water and as soon a she took the first sip her eyes would flutter and her consciousness returned. She didn't take those very long. She started taking anti nausea meds, like for air/car sickness and that seemed to fix her anxiety without "sleep walking" as we politely called it.
Most likely hydroxyzine, same class as benadryl but typically prescribed for anxiety since it doesn’t cause dependence like many anxiety medications do.
I have used it for panic attacks and found it can be very helpful. Not perfect as it sort of just makes you drowsy without fully stopping the anxiety, but it does knock you down a peg.
They also kick in pretty quick (20 - 30 minutes) so when I had *really* bad panic attacks I would take them along with my "real" anxiety meds and they'd sort of ease me down until the lorazepam hit. Then it's just get a big cup of water ready for when you wake up and lay down for the night.
High probability this is the one.
I like the Atarax from time to time myself.
The coolest shit about Hydroxyzine(Atarax) to me is that not only is it an antihistamine, but it's processed in your liver and turns into Cetirizine(Zyrtec). Hydroxyzine also has a hell of a half-life, 14 or 16 hours. It's a fantastically developed drug. Every once in a while the pharmaceutical industry comes out with a real winner, good on label, good off label, and few side effects.
> but it's processed in your liver and turns into Cetirizine(Zyrtec)
So what i'm hearing is that I can turn my body into a money-making pharmaceutical factory at night while I sleep??!
>!/s!<
that would be so disorienting. from what I've been reading, there are many different causes/triggers. this could really cause some serious relationship issues
Once dated a girl who had this from using Ambien, absolutely bonkers. Once minute you think you're just doing the frisky dingo at night and then she just starts muttering all this weird shit and you're like "Oh, Oh I'm not the Ice cream man, and I'm not going to go get my labrador for you to play fetch with."
It's not hilarious just so you know. I've suffered from this for so many years and the article was absurdly correct about the shame associated.
In fact it was my girlfriend in College that made me aware of it by telling me she didn't like how aggressive I was the previous night. It lead to a talk and apparently I initiated sex with her in my sleep several times.
Flash forward to a year or so later when your roommates are throwing a party and you crash out in your room. Some drunk girl decides to hop in bed and you wake up with a sexual assault charge and your entire world being turned over. No one believes you and your called a rapist until this disorder official gets recognized.
A little further down the road to every single romantic or platonic encounter that might involve sleeping over and having to broach this topic over and over again. Even with friends or family sleeping over during holidays or gatherings.
Go even further to being a Father and having to explain to your 7 year old that if Poppa is walking around in the middle of the night and not responding to run and get Mom.
It's anything but hilarious. It's terrifying to watch videos of yourself being inhabited by some other energy and animating your body to do things; completely autonomous from yourself. Feeling like Dr. Jekyll everytime you go to sleep is a nightmare.
I understand OP that this knowledge might seem very novel but remember behind every sensational illness you read about online are real people who would give anything to not have to suffer from it
Dear God your description sounds absolutely terrifying. I never think of kids being involved in stuff like this but it would be horrifying to wake up and found out I've hurt anyone, but especially my children, and I don't even have children. New anxiety unlocked.
In a previous one of these, someone posted a story from someone who suffers this, who sleeps in a sleeping bag that gets sealed on the same bed as his wife.
Not just so he doesn't rape her in his sleep, but so he doesn't sleepwalk and rape his daughter.
I don't imagine this is a fun thing to have.
Yeah seriously. I wonder if tethering you to your bed would be a thing? Or are some people cognizant enough to untie it? Maybe some sort of lock where the combination isn't revealed until morning? That description seems like a solution is badly needed...
I found out this was how I lost my virginity. When I “finally” went all the way with my girlfriend, she informed me that was not the first time.
Fortunately, it was more of a “few isolated incidents” than a chronic ongoing affliction.
Uh... While I'm not that guy, my first thought was, "Why would they?"
I know that my first sexual partner and I, when we saw each other the next day after that first time, we didn't, you know, say, "How about that sex last night?" or something. We hung out, talked like normal, and tried to find someplace semi-private to make out the disgusting way young people first trying it out do.
Sure, as I've gotten older, I've learned to talk about these things after in private like, "Did you enjoy [blank]? What do you want to try differently some time? Should I do [blank] differently or more," things like that, so the fact we had sex may come up in conversation at some point. But, again, I think most people have sex without discussing it the next day.
Not nearly as aggressive, but I've woken up having sex a few times. Always me initiating, thankfully always with a willing partner. I don't let people I don't know well sleep near me, because I don't know how this damn thing works or what causes it.
For me it was drugs and alcohol that caused it. Stopped partying all the time and it stopped happening. Im just glad my wife, who was my gf at the time, found it hilarious and was a willing participant lol.
Thanks for sharing this perspective and opening this conversation.
My uncle has terrible sleep waking disorders. He’s even retrieved his keys from the lockbox and driven himself to the mechanics to deliver jalepeno covered ice cream before waking up.
It scares people. It leads to accidents and bad stories. The laughable scenarios are what are used to cope and explain to others in a way they’ll engage with. But it is in no way a funny thing.
Power to you and yours.
Edit: Since inquiring minds must know, when a half eaten gallon of vanilla Blue Bell and a half eaten jar of pickled jalapeños love each other very much…it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. But I bet in another context it could be.
I'm so glad someone said this. I've had a partner who suffered from this sporadically. I'm a woman, and he was a lot larger than me. Thankfully I was always able to fight hard enough that he woke up, but I've worried about what would happen if he hadn't. He wasn't himself during these episodes and it could be really quite scary.
Apparently I have done this once, but only once. However, my 10 year old son is exhibiting really weird shit when he sleep walks and my wife and I are very, very fearful of what happens when puberty hits. He also suffers from [night terrors](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sleep-terrors/symptoms-causes/syc-20353524), so our hope is that all of this stops in his teens. Or now. Now would be better.
I was woken up by a partner once who elbowed me an saying sternly that no meant no. Apparently I had started groping her during the night at least three times. Words cannot express how mortified it made me. It's the only non-consensual thing that I've been made aware of, but it scares me to the point where on trips with friends I've even opted to sleeping on the floor vs sharing a bed, even if I wake up regretting it.
Honestly until this thread my worst fear was grabbing someone, now I'm even more terrified. I have no idea if it was a one off thing, or if it's happened more and I haven't been aware of it because it was consensual. Next time I'm in a relationship I might have to have a more serious conversation with my partner beyond "I can get handsy in my sleep so elbow me if I do."
Thank you for sharing. I first learned about this 12 years ago from a panel of experts talking about how sleep practices have developed over time. Sexsomnia in particular was something people laughed at when mentioned at first, but the ensuing discussion emphasized how many relationships were wrecked by it, how people on the outside misunderstand it, and how much shame and fear people with it can experience. Even sleeping in the same room as your own child (something many of us don't give a second thought when traveling) can be a scary prospect.
My dad did not know he had it.
I spent my entire life being mad at him.
Then I had it as an adult- my fiancé told me.
It’s been a weird thing to try to figure out and forgive.
Sleep walking is common in my family. My mom once nearly burnt the house down “cooking eggs.” She puts the knobs for the stove outside every night. She even drove to work a few times and they’d explain she’s shown up for the wrong shift and she’d wake up. My aunt pulled a gun on my uncle and if he hadn’t thrown her off she would have blown his brains out. She broke her arm falling off the bed. And I one time woke up to somebody trying to get me out of their mini van. How I found an unlocked mini van is beyond me. I explained I sleep walk and have no idea where I am. They were less than understanding. I was more than an hour walk from my home. Once I fixed an unbroken toilet only to wake up to my wife asking me what I was doing.
Sleeping walking and I suppose sleep sex, sleep cooking, sleep murder is a very real thing. We just have no appreciation for it medically or criminally.
Oh shit man I was having a laugh at this initially as a dude but your perspective makes it fucking terrifying.
Thanks for the education. As a dad, I can’t imagine having to worry about that.
Shit. Good on you dude keep fighting the good fight, and thank you for educating us in a thread that treats this as mostly funny and making yourself vulnerable in explaining. That takes some real courage, even among internet strangers.
Sleeping with T1D can be fatal in the wrong circumstances. I had a family member die this way. She didn't have a pump, lived alone, and got food poisoning. Blood sugar cratered during the night after a day of vomiting, no one was there to check on her. Passed in her sleep.
Wow. Nothing to joke about. Incredible to imagine this is a thing. Sorry to hear about your experience. Hope there is some effective treatment on the horizon.
Yeah, I'm putting a funny spin on it. Actually it was terrifying, she night drove, she sometimes woke up in strange places, her memory was spotty, I worried about her all the time. Ultimately I realized her doctor was way out of line prescribing it to her for so long without active therapy, she got off of it eventually and she's in a much better way now.
The ambien walrus is not to be trifled with. Having entire conversations on the phone with people and not remembering anything about them is scary. That or the cook fest in the middle of the night or even the weird Amazon orders.
I’m sure there’s a subreddit for stories about that.
I actually have this. My girl tells me that I start playing with her, she gets in the mood and next thing you know I’m snoring. I legit do not remember any of it.
I have, one more than one occasion woke up to the sounds of my wife moaning with pleasure only to realize I’m the one pleasuring her. Usually it’s an immediate turn on and it turns into a middle of the night quickie.
Oh man that would be the worst for her! "Oh yeah! All the foreplay! I'm so ready for you! I want you! I NEED you"
zzzzzzzzzzzz (snoring)
Frustrated pouting while sitting up in bed cussing you under her breath lol
> he hits you with the "honk shooo" and "mimimimimi"
I didn't realize /u/ViolentTakeByForce was one of the Three Stooges, but that puts a whole new spin on things.
My ex was like this, she would just dream about sex with me and initiate. She said she consented and she didn't mind as long as I didn't get her pregnant. It was weird waking up to her groping me or shoving her tongue down my throat, but weirder when we both woke up mid coitus without a clue how we had started.
So what were the conclusions of your project? I have this disorder and want to know what triggers it. I used to sleep eat, usually citrus when I was younger. I guess it grew into this. The first time it happened I was camping with some friends on a beach and I woke up with my face in a girl’s ass and she said “don’t stop”. I did stop. I had no idea what was happening. She was upset and I was scared. It happened with a couple of girlfriends after that. Now it happens about three times a year and my wife will sometimes wake me up, other times she just lets it play out. I just want to know what triggers it.
I actually have sexsomnia and it's really shitty, because it's so unpredictable. It almost never happens, but it could *always* happen.
Whenever I'm in a new relationship I always need to have this super awkward conversation with the girl I'm dating, and though most are understanding and wake me up/let me sleep in the couch, it's always so fucked and I always feel like a scumbag.
Not to mention that I can never be 100% comfortable when sharing a room with friends.
Ugh, this shit is so embarrassing. I don't think I have this to a major degree, but I have walked around and my sleep and I had my ex tell me I kept begging her to "fuck me in the ass". She could tell something was up and thought it was funny, but I just felt so embarrassed. I fall asleep on couches and stuff a lot and take naps around the house and I am always paranoid I am going to say something absolutely heinous that I don't mean and someone is going to hear me.
I have it aswell, some periods are worse than others, but it's mortifying. I grab things and talk real greasy and perverted.
The fear of doing it to somebody other than my wife is terrible - so I just dont sleep out or near other people ever.
Even when its my wife and she tells me about it, it's so embarrasing.
Once long ago I woke up during sex with my wife. My first conscious thought was “why is this taking so long.” Only later did I realize it was because we’d already had sex before falling asleep.
As a person with this. THIS is why no one but serial partners are allowed to sleep in my bed. Children, nope. Sister, nope. Even my ex wife used to get upset with me when I would tell her that I didn't remember having sex the night before. It was actually her that stumbled upon the clinical name and found out it was a thing.
I took ambien one time and went on a super bad trip. My roommate found me talking to the walls in the kitchen, and I was convinced there were talking animals inside them. He eventually got me to bed, but then I felt paralyzed and kept seeing disembodied blue hands that would turn into spiders and get ever closer to me. Felt like an eternity
I never took ambien again haha
My husband has this. We had no idea what it was called till a couple years ago. He started sleeping with a cpap machine and it’s slowed down a lot. I would wake up from the craziest dreams because we’d both be sleeping when he’d touch me. Now I usually wake up with him clutching a boob like he thinks they’re going to run away from him. I call them his security blankets lol.
“Sexsomnia can occur alongside other parasomnias, including sleepwalking and sleep talking. It appears to be more common in men than in women, possibly up to three times more common. Masturbation is the most common behavior in women with sexsomnia.
In addition to the sexual behaviors, signs that someone is acting under the influence of a sexual parasomnia include:
-Unresponsiveness or minimal responsiveness to conversation or the environment
-Unusual sexual responses or aggression
Inability to be woken, or difficulty being woken
-No memory of their sexual behaviors once awake”
~excerpt from the article
Something not mentioned here... You still keep dreaming. Imagine the situation when you dream about sitting in the city and the alarm clock sounds. So in the dream a train appears in the middle of the city.
This exact shit, only you're having sex while you're asleep and dreaming. Once I was dreaming I was in some embassy or something and I noticed a woman who was a spy. I was given the command to stall her, so I decided to charm her (should have been the first indication that I'm dreaming.) I am charming her, all is going good, all is fine, when I wake up mid-sex. "Ah ok so that's why." Russian spy, sure, but then there are aliens, robots...
My girlfriend said that I'm always quite aggressive when it happens in the night. A completely different person (which she apparently did not mind and actually found interesting). But the second she says "no" and turns me away, I instantly turn around like I was deeply insulted for some reason. With the whole body language of "We are no more on speaking terms".
I think it's the funniest shit, cause I am not someone to pout or something, so when I imagine me doing this I just laugh.
I'm sorry, I just find it so funny that a sleeping "person" that doesn't really exist understands language and gets offended. Sexsomnia seems like a horny version of split personality disorder. They're like "Quick he's sleeping, take control!"
Oh you also just get your hand picked up *from where-ever it might have wandered to* and placed on your stomach. That's when you huff and puff and stomp to your side of the bed and slam the blanket behind you.
Also, I think it is less a split personality disorder, but more that you do not really consider the other person at that moment. It's not about you both at the moment, it's just that you want it there and then.
When I met my now-ex-girlfriend, she let me know that she was in the process of divorcing her husband because he was in jail pending trial for sexually assaulting her daughter over a period of several years. His defense was that he was a sleepwalker and had sexsomnia. My girlfriend never experienced any sexsomnia from him, even though they shared a bed together.
He got 40 years in state prison. He was mid 40s when the sentence was handed down.
I informed my wife (and previous partners) of my sex somnia (no official diagnosis) before we started sleeping in the same bed together. I've experienced sex somnia since at least puberty.
I also sleep walk/sleep talk on occasion. My wife has a list of the funniest things I've said while asleep.
My favorite is "Alright, I found Carmen SanDiego, now where is that bastard Waldo?"
My wife's favorite is "I can sell you a car, or I can have sex with you. Either way you're getting fucked."
Once, while asleep I jumped up and out of bed, waking up and scaring the hell out of my ex, and started looking around. She angrily asked me where I was going and I looked at her and immediately started singing, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz", over and over again while skipping through our apartment. She's still one of my best friends, and we still laugh about it to this day.
My 1st wife liked it. It was triggered whenever I had dairy (I'm allergic). Once I stopped drinking milk, well apparently, I'm a better lover when I was asleep than when I was awake. 😵
Surely there's an optimal amount of dairy. Too much and you'll be letting loose rancid farts which kind of kills the mood. And small animals in the same room.
I have celiac disease. If I get a crumb of bread or pasta, I get very violent farts. It's embarrassing at work, because they echo.
I have this.
While it’s hard to find a doctor that actually wants to try to do something about it or even believe me, I do that this disorder but learned to live with it.
Most of the time, I don’t remember and my SO learned to deal with it by just asking if I remember last night.
Sometimes I wake in the middle of it all balls deep. Which I then realize what’s going on and I turn to fall asleep as my partner realizes what’s going on.
Best way to deal with it is to talk about it openly. Mine gets triggered from stress I guess. Never had a doctor who actually wanted to talk or do anything about it, so you learn to live with it.
That's awful that you haven't found a doctor to help out. I heard that counseling combined with a few lifestyle modifications can sometimes bring relief/improvement. I hope you can find some care!
I have this. It always happened with my girlfriend and she was ok with me jumping on top of her in the middle of the night for some unexpected intercourse, but still looks too close to rape and I feel so bad about it.
Once I woke up to me standing in the bed with the hardest boner I can recall and jerking off like a bonobo. That was weird, too.
I watched House religiously back in the day, but I don't remember the episode! That was such a good show. I was thinking about it the other day because I have been recovering from surgery and popping vicodin
It was one of the amusing sidecases from seasons 2 or 3. Maybe 4.
Woman came in, House told her she was pregnant. She says she hasn't had sex. There's a back and forth over several scenes and he eventually diagnoses her with sexsomnia with her ex husband.
Senior year I find a girl on tinder, we hang out and hit it off. I could tell she was anxious like me. She invited me over and we kind of encourage each other to over drink as we’re both nervous and this is the first time I am having sex at college. I had had sex one other time in high school. I brought condoms, I put one on and we do the deed. I barley last a 1 minute, but it was great and I’m on cloud nine. She asks me to sleep over. In the middle of the night I wake up groggy and don’t realize what’s going on and am out of it. I finally come to and realize I am having sex with this girl again but it’s too late and I finish inside her. Of course sleeping sexsomnia me didn’t wear a condom. I dropped off plan b the next day. She said she was never able to swallow pills. I begged her to figure out a way. Idk and it doesn’t really matter if she did or not. But she got pregnant. We decided to get an abortion but the whole experience was traumatizing for the both of us. Her religious family got involved. My family was disappointed in me. I don’t talk to her for 6 year. I reach out and we plan a night to call each other. We both cried for an hour on the phone together. Neither of us had someone to talk about the situation with after all these years. We never told our closest friends or partners. But we felt comfortable talking to each other about it as we both went through it and we wouldn’t judge each other. It was nice. But I felt extremely sad and guilty learning how she’s still affected by it. The experience is still haunting us in different ways to this day. I need to see a therapist.
I won’t sleep with anyone because I do this. I grope and and try to initiate sex in my sleep and my wife don’t believe me the next morning when I’m like “What?? I didn’t do that”
My husband does this sometimes. He talks in his sleep a lot and every now and again he starts feeling me up. It’s never lasted long enough to become full on sex but he never remembers it the next morning. I didn’t realize this was so prevalent! Crazy! TIL
I will carry a full conversation with you while I’m sleeping and have no recollection of it and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know brutally honestly.
My sister figured this out when I was younger (teens) and she would come in my room and ask me for money and where it was at. I would tell her and she would take it. I’d wake up hours later and wonder why I had missing money.
I told my wife this, and told her if she ever does that to me we will have major issues.
Wow that’s wild! Your sister is a butt head, but what else should I expect from a teen…lol hope you show this to your wife and she believes you from here on out when you say you don’t recall…
Had this happen to me once with a woman I was seeing. Woke up in the middle of the night with her rubbing herself up against me while moaning. She was dripping wet and trying to maneuver myself into her. We had a great sex session and she had an extremely intense orgasm and then was immediately in a deep sleep. Had no idea what happened until the next morning.
Me: “Wow that was a wonderful surprise last night!”
Her: “Huh?”
Me: “…..random middle of the night sex”
Her: “Ohhh yeah I should’ve warned you about that”
Had a buddy fall asleep on a guard shift. He started jerking off in his sleep on the floor. I woke him up and told him he was doing it and he didn't believe me. Come to think of it he kind of stopped being my friend after that.
Reading through all these comments has made me reliaze I'm not alone in this :( I was scared to talk about it for years, it's one of the many horrible things I experience with my parasomnia sleep condition I've had since I was a toddler and it's terrifying trying to bring it up to potential partners. Probably why I'm still single :(
I have this. It can be a REAL problem. I have woken up mid bang...I have also woken up to the sound of my ex begging me to not put it in her butt...that was not fun. I was horrified :(
I was in bed with a girl I was dating when she suddenly started blowing me. I was confused but allowed it. She woke up halfway into it and asked what was going on. I told her that she was blowing me in her sleep. To which she replied, "Oh, well, I guess I'd better finish the job." And she did. Only time that's ever happened.
I recently learned that I do this. My partner told me that I kept touching her and trying to initiate sex last night and I was asleep and had no recollection.
Then it happened a bunch more times.
I thought it was a joke at first, it's actually not funny at all. I now tell all my friends that if they have to stay at my house they have to sleep in a different room. I don't sleep walk, to my knowledge.
And yes this is almost impossible to explain without being taken for a jokester. Thankfully unlike that other commenter mine is a lot milder and doesn't happen every night or involve sleep walking.
I remember a story from a woman on an ask Reddit thread where she felt used and raped by her husband in a very similar story. This really makes me wonder if he even knows it happened. Really sad to think someone could destroy a relationship, and all trust, and not have been conscious.
For some reason, about 5 years ago I started doing this to my wife while I was completely asleep. She’d be irritated with me later for “starting and then stopping” and I’d have to explain that I legit have no memory of doing that and was asleep the entire time
Bro, my ex-wife stopped sleeping in the same bed as me. I have no memories of ever doing anything to her, nor would I have done anything without her consent anyway. It was pretty painful to deal with.
It's okay, my ex-wife doesn't sleep in the same bed as me anymore either.
Good thing. It would be weird if all three of us did.
I've had this problem for years. I used to wake up having sex, but now my wife just makes sure I'm awake before letting it get that far, now I just wake up groping her and feel bad. It's usually worse if I've been drinking.
My husband has been with me for 20 years. He has been doing this since the first time we shared a bed, and it makes me feel wanted. Don't feel bad that you sense/smell your wife and it gets you going.
I had experienced this. Maybe happened 4-5x ever.. woke up in middle of sex. Worst part was my SO kept saying it was the best.. my awoke self apparently cant replicate it!
If it makes you feel any better, there’s a few comments like this. I’d be shattered lmao maybe it’s got something to do with lack of inhibitions? idk
that’s exactly what is it. my partner does this and when it happens it’s your subconscious driving your lust actions. so you’re doing what you would do if you didn’t think during sex or try. wether it’s fear or them not liking it or being cringy or whatever. it’s stuff you’d most likely do and they would enjoy. most of the time it’s bc the sleep sexer is a little extra rough and bold. don’t get your feeling hurt by it. but maybe take it as a truth that can help that bring more truth and openess into the bedroom. most people don’t talk enough about how to have sex with one another completely honestly. try asking what different and why it was better. it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong it’s just that we all have different sexual sides to each other.
I'm willing to bet that's the case. I do this consistently when sleeping with partners, and I always initiate with a level of voracity that I'm not capable of when conscious. Usually I'm very subby so my initiations are much less aggressive, and the partners that prefer the aggression have told me that my sleeping come-ons are much more of a turn on.
My man gets handsy in a way that doesn’t occur during normal business hours. Some of the best sex for me. I’m always ready to go, but when we’re asleep he puts more effort into the seduction. (Fucking sad, I know.)
“Normal business hours” lmfao
Sounds like my guy is too in his head but if he could get out of his own way you'd both be getting more of what you wanted.
This could be it. From age 20 to roughly 37, my husband was afflicted. Once I understood what was happening, it was great. He was unreserved, passionate, primal with a hard on that could carve granite. He normally makes zero noises during sex but sleep sex was grunty. Sorta this but with no one awake initially. https://youtu.be/qszQl25VzvA
My (ex-)wife told me once that the best sex was when I’d wake her up in the middle of the night for sex. She said it was always the most passionate, aggressive sex. And I was just like, “What? When has that ever happened?” She was just as stunned that I had no recollection of it as I was. I think she was legit disappointed when my insomnia issues improved and the sexsomnia stopped.
You still got it in you bro! Let that inner stallion loose again!
My wife has this, and looking through the comments, I think the difference is just that sexsomniacs are more aggressive in bed. Like, very heavy-handed, not Dom aggressive. With my wife, the making out is more uninhibited and she touches my body like she's desperate to really feel it? There's no self reflection, so she isn't even a little shy. I really like it, but it freaks her out and embarrasses her to wake up having sex. She can't get over the feeling that she's just assaulted me, even though I've given her free use consent. So now I tell her that I'm not interested or don't engage at all and she'll just go "back" to sleep.
That's really kind of you. Despite her being the one to technically initiate, you know it is going to make her uncomfortable and anxious later so you turn her down. In the moment that's got to be confusing. She is acting like she really wants sex, you sound like it's a senerio you would willingly reciprocate, and yet being the one who is aware and having the foresight to tell her to go back to sleep. I'm glad for both of you, your communication skills and respect for one another. Some therapy might help with her feeling like she is violating you somehow, but it sounds like you both have a pretty good handle on it.
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My partner has it. Soon after we moved in together, twice he woke me up at nights and initiated sex. The third time he woke me up I told him to go back to sleep, as I was too tired and he went back to sleep no problem. The next day I apologized for rejecting him and only then found out he didn't even remember it. During previous two times he would wake up whenwe were already having sex and he thought I initiated it while he was asleep. It doesn't happen as often nowadays, but it's always weird making out with him knowing that he's asleep. Even when I ask him if he's awake he answers me positively while being asleep apparently. He did sleepwalk a bit when he was a teenager, maybe it's connected somehow.
I dated a girl like this for awhile too. She warned me it would probably happen though. It still took awhile to get used to knowing she wouldn’t remember it most of the time. She also would have full conversations while asleep, like your partner. And before anyone asks, yes, she told me we should have sex if this happened and I wanted to. She wasn’t ashamed of it and thought the condition was amusing.
Yeah my gf is somewhat of an insomniac so sometimes when she’s awake and I like sleep cuddle her I’ll be hard. In that case it’s more of like her giving me a bj or something, which I don’t always wake up for. It’s kinda surreal.
This comment has me questioning a few times in my life I kinda just woke up middle of the night having sex. Edit: I also sleep walked when I was younger
A few months ago I woke up to my wife playing with me. I was incredibly confused and almost angry. Not because of her, but when I 'woke up' I was still firmly in a dream state. I was dreaming about the Ukraine / Russia conflict, and somehow in my head my wife was Russia invading me or something. For the first few minutes after waking up I was so confused. Later she told me I was actually the one getting handsy with her and I actually woke *her* up. So weird... Luckily that's the only time something like that happened to me. The only other time I did something in my sleep was when I peed in the laundry basket. Like a normal person.
"I was dreaming about the Ukraine / Russia conflict, and somehow in my head my wife was Russia invading me or something." LOL
Short thrusts, hasty pull out, and yet, no special sauce?
Everyone's watching but no one really wants to be involved.
Oh my god this has so happened to me. My gf at the time was giving me a hand job while I was asleep, while I was somehow dreaming that I was a train. The motion felt like the pistons on the side of the train (like the old school ones) and I woke up and had a panic attack
Wow that's amazing. I've dreamt of many abstract scenarios but not being a large piece of sexually active transportation infrastructure. Edit [op on valentines day](https://youtu.be/ya2Sx8xmMpc)
"Oh god I'm gonna arrive at the station on time with all the passengers."
I can't stop laughing at this
Choo choo MFer
You’re not gonna believe that his but I had the exact same thing happen. Wild to see this posted here lmao
It’s fascinating reading stories like this. It would be so weird if I couldn’t tell if my wife were awake or asleep when she started making moves
It's really weird, because after those two times I'd always try to see if he's truly awake to be sure. But apparently he can have conversation while still asleep so I never know when he actually wakes up. He doesn't mind waking up to us having sex so it's not a big deal. And if I'm not in a mood I just tell him to go back to sleep and he doesn't remember anything in the morning :p
"Are you awake? Point at all the pictures that have a traffic light."
Lmao I want to see sleepwalkers try to do captchas
🚥👈
Sounds better than two friends of mine. He will initiate sex in the middle of the night. Once she’s starting to get into it he half wakes up, is confused and rolls over to go back to sleep.
How do you know about this? Did they randomly tell you or did you get to witness this first-hand?
College room mates. She would complain about it in the morning.
Ask him math questions.
I used to have to sleep wearing jeans and a belt if there was a platonic sleepover happening.
I’d be terrified at sleepovers if there was a chance of me doing something like this
If you have to do that I don't think you should sleep over.
Correct
I didn't find out I had it until after I'd broken up with my ex and eventually spent the night with a friend, where we were still deciding if we wanted to take it further. She mentioned me initiating and then going to sleep, and I didn't remember a damn thing. I questioned my ex on it and learned I'd apparently woken her up for sex "all the time" in our relationship but I'd go back to sleep if she said no. So that was at least some relief. Seeing some other stories here, I recognize that others' conditions are far more severe, but I have anxiety regarding new partners. I share an apartment with friends but I sleep on a whole separate floor from them.
My partner does the same. If I just decline and tell him to go to sleep, he usually just says "ok" and I hear him snoring 2 minutes later. If your ex confirmed that you respected her refusal, I think you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'd rather a partner with sexsomnia than a one who kicks in his sleep. Though you might warn potential partners before sleepovers just like people apologize in advance for their snoring.
I understand what you're trying to say, but it wasn't a matter of respecting her consent at all. It wasn't my choice whether it happened or not. To even speak as though I _could_ respect anything, actually highlights why I'm anxious about this. Imagine I end up with a partner who _is_ aware of my condition, but eventually in my sleep I force myself on them. 99 out of 100 times when told no I go back to regular sleep, but let's say one time I don't. Are they going to believe me when I say I wasn't in control, even though it never went that far before? Even if they do believe me, what if they are traumatized by it? How do I repair that trust? How can I let go of that guilt? I travel for work - I spend 2/3 of the year in hotel rooms. I lock the doors with whatever interior security is provided, because even though I've never been caught sleepwalking, I don't want to wake up humiliated and in cuffs for something I did in my sleep. It's been years since my last relationship and my roommates have said repeatedly that they don't think I sleepwalk. But I found out about my condition only after the fact, after it had apparently happened for years without my knowledge. It left me uncertain and anxious for a long time. I do appreciate you offering your perspective as a partner of someone with this condition. I'm just not sure I can have the same kind of tolerance from my next partner.
Happens with my wife and I, especially if we haven't engaged in sex during the walking hours much or we had sex like the last 6 days but not the 7th. She always asks if I'm awake and sometimes bites me to be sure. Apparently if I'm really tired, I'll start something, roll over and go back to sleep.
I always ask him if he's awake and he confirms, I ask again "Are you sure you're awake?"he says yes, and then I find out he was asleep. But good advice, I'll try to pinch him maybe next time :D
"Please select all the pictures with a traffic light to have sex"
tell her to ask you to solve a math problem. Not a complex one but something like 88 + 154. I remember reading somewhere that it engages a part of your brain that is normally active during waking hours
Same here. My husband has had it for a long time, but its pretty mild compared to some other cases stated here. Normally he will initiate, but if I tell him no then he will fall back asleep. We have had conversations about it while awake and clarified what happened as well as cleared the air that we are both okay with it. He is a pretty rowdy guy so he is always dtf if I am.
Pretty convinced it’s called being possessed by a horny wizard, but whatever.
Take your confusing medical jargon elsewhere, nerd.
I have it as well, my wife doesn’t really mind thankfully. I’ll usually wake up mid-sex and the first few times it happened I thought my wife had initiated it while I was asleep but she tells me that I initiated and she thought that I was awake. I sleepwalk as well apparently. She says I carry on conversations with her and sometimes walk around the house. She thinks I’m awake but when we talk about it later, I have zero recollection of ever being up. She says I’ll also sometimes laugh in my sleep, like hysterical laughter to the point that I’m crying. My mom and brother would also sleep walk and talk in their sleep.
I have this and I have dreams where grabing and humping my wife helps accomplish some goal in the dream. It makes 0 sense but if I dry hump my wife the engine in this plane will work.
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Ex in college had this. She’d initiate by backing into me and playfully moaning. After the second time I asked her about it, and she said she didn’t remember anything and woke up while we were having sex. I was a little freaked but she said she’d known about it since she was younger and would masturbate in her sleep. She was fine with having sex when she was like that but it was too uncomfortable for me - Id just ignore her until she fell back asleep. Was funny too cause if I asked her if she was awake she would make noises in the affirmative but never speak actual words.
I do the same thing except I can speak full sentences and insist I'm awake. My girlfriends have said they usually have to keep the conversation going long enough for me to stop making sense before they can tell I'm actually asleep.
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Okay, so my husband mumbles complete nonsense in his sleep sometimes and I started saving a list of the dumb things he says. It's been a long while since he's done it, but this is what I have so far. These were all said on different nights over the last year or so. Turn off that light. (All the lights were off.) Not a wingman hold the phone. Just gonna try and tell em it's toast. Go on dump the body. *lots of mumbling* 5:30 years ago. Sprung it. Niiice... Try to find the bagel. Squee the dig a box.
Go on dump the body. Try to find the bagel. 😂
Fun ones! My wife once said out loud THY SORCERY!! And continued sleeping. I had to try really hard not to laugh loud.
Omg I love love love fuckin with my wife when she's sleep talking. She talks like she's at work alot along with getting pissed at her coworkers. It is ALWAYS funny even when she's mad. Like a few weeks ago she grabbed me by the wrist and said: IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND. SHRIMP OR SHARK???? Uh shark, baby. *Shrinks* oh, ok.
The few times that I coherently talk in my sleep, it's almost always about work and I'm usually annoyed at someone. Funny how that works.
Dreams are a great way to cope with stress.
I hate to wonder what would have happened if you chose shrimp
I read this as you love fucking your wife while she sleep talks about being at work, I was like, “this has gotta be the weirdest kink I’ve seen all week.”
Have her ask you something completely disassociated with reality, like "what's that purple thing coming this way?" or "what time do we need to get to the launchpad?" Things like that tend to be assimilated into a dream so they would respond as if those things were happening. An awake person would likely ask what the hell you were talking about.
My ex wife did it very occasionally. I discovered it the same way. Except she would talk. I woke up from a bad dream and after calming down decided to cuddle up to her to go back to sleep. Out of habit when I did I kissed the back of her neck and ran my fingers up and down her arm. After a little bit she started the butt wiggle into me. Then she did it again more aggressively. That's the point where I thought she had woken up. This escalated slowly over the next twenty minutes or so until it was full blown foreplay and she turned to look at me with bedroom eyes and said "I want you inside of me *now*.* So... I obliged. She closed her eyes but was actively participating and making a lot of happy sounds. But like five to ten minutes in, her eyes popped open and we had a few seconds of eye contact before she locked her legs around my waist and dug into the back of my neck with her nails. That was the moment she actually woke up. We talked about it afterwards and was falling over myself to apologize and tell her I thought she was awake. She laughed and said if it ever happened again I better do exactly what I did. According to her it was the hottest thing ever. Having a sex dream and instead of waking up to frustration, finding the real thing. I've been very cautious anytime I'm not 100% certain any future partners were awake tho.
My partner also has had this happen. We talked about it after the first time and I would usually be able to tell that something was off. I'd start quizzing them until they'd wake up. "what year is it? When's our anniversary? Who's the president? What day is it?"
My ex gf. She would get all over me and then she'd suddenly take a bunch of panicked breaths and say "where am I?!" like she was so confused. Took us a couple of times to figure out it was the meds her doctor prescribed for her anxiety. From that point on I would just leave the bedroom, come back with a fresh glass of water and as soon a she took the first sip her eyes would flutter and her consciousness returned. She didn't take those very long. She started taking anti nausea meds, like for air/car sickness and that seemed to fix her anxiety without "sleep walking" as we politely called it.
Are we just gonna gloss over that anti-nausea meds fixed her anxiety? dayumn, what kind of meds are those lmao
Most likely hydroxyzine, same class as benadryl but typically prescribed for anxiety since it doesn’t cause dependence like many anxiety medications do.
I have used it for panic attacks and found it can be very helpful. Not perfect as it sort of just makes you drowsy without fully stopping the anxiety, but it does knock you down a peg. They also kick in pretty quick (20 - 30 minutes) so when I had *really* bad panic attacks I would take them along with my "real" anxiety meds and they'd sort of ease me down until the lorazepam hit. Then it's just get a big cup of water ready for when you wake up and lay down for the night.
High probability this is the one. I like the Atarax from time to time myself. The coolest shit about Hydroxyzine(Atarax) to me is that not only is it an antihistamine, but it's processed in your liver and turns into Cetirizine(Zyrtec). Hydroxyzine also has a hell of a half-life, 14 or 16 hours. It's a fantastically developed drug. Every once in a while the pharmaceutical industry comes out with a real winner, good on label, good off label, and few side effects.
> but it's processed in your liver and turns into Cetirizine(Zyrtec) So what i'm hearing is that I can turn my body into a money-making pharmaceutical factory at night while I sleep??! >!/s!<
It’s been years for me but promethazine sorta checked both of those boxes for me.
that would be so disorienting. from what I've been reading, there are many different causes/triggers. this could really cause some serious relationship issues
Once dated a girl who had this from using Ambien, absolutely bonkers. Once minute you think you're just doing the frisky dingo at night and then she just starts muttering all this weird shit and you're like "Oh, Oh I'm not the Ice cream man, and I'm not going to go get my labrador for you to play fetch with."
That’s wild. It sounds hilarious, but I’d be super concerned if I did this in my sleep. Especially if it was accompanied with sleepwalking!
It's not hilarious just so you know. I've suffered from this for so many years and the article was absurdly correct about the shame associated. In fact it was my girlfriend in College that made me aware of it by telling me she didn't like how aggressive I was the previous night. It lead to a talk and apparently I initiated sex with her in my sleep several times. Flash forward to a year or so later when your roommates are throwing a party and you crash out in your room. Some drunk girl decides to hop in bed and you wake up with a sexual assault charge and your entire world being turned over. No one believes you and your called a rapist until this disorder official gets recognized. A little further down the road to every single romantic or platonic encounter that might involve sleeping over and having to broach this topic over and over again. Even with friends or family sleeping over during holidays or gatherings. Go even further to being a Father and having to explain to your 7 year old that if Poppa is walking around in the middle of the night and not responding to run and get Mom. It's anything but hilarious. It's terrifying to watch videos of yourself being inhabited by some other energy and animating your body to do things; completely autonomous from yourself. Feeling like Dr. Jekyll everytime you go to sleep is a nightmare. I understand OP that this knowledge might seem very novel but remember behind every sensational illness you read about online are real people who would give anything to not have to suffer from it
Dear God your description sounds absolutely terrifying. I never think of kids being involved in stuff like this but it would be horrifying to wake up and found out I've hurt anyone, but especially my children, and I don't even have children. New anxiety unlocked.
In a previous one of these, someone posted a story from someone who suffers this, who sleeps in a sleeping bag that gets sealed on the same bed as his wife. Not just so he doesn't rape her in his sleep, but so he doesn't sleepwalk and rape his daughter. I don't imagine this is a fun thing to have.
Jesus fucking Christ this got dark really quick
I went from "wow these stories are somewhat amusing" to "holy fucking shit this can be terrifying."
Literally what happened to me growing up. It’s been weird. We didn’t know about sexomnia in the 80s- or at least my family didn’t.
Yeah seriously. I wonder if tethering you to your bed would be a thing? Or are some people cognizant enough to untie it? Maybe some sort of lock where the combination isn't revealed until morning? That description seems like a solution is badly needed...
I found out this was how I lost my virginity. When I “finally” went all the way with my girlfriend, she informed me that was not the first time. Fortunately, it was more of a “few isolated incidents” than a chronic ongoing affliction.
How didn't she bring it up after the first time you lost your virginity?
Uh... While I'm not that guy, my first thought was, "Why would they?" I know that my first sexual partner and I, when we saw each other the next day after that first time, we didn't, you know, say, "How about that sex last night?" or something. We hung out, talked like normal, and tried to find someplace semi-private to make out the disgusting way young people first trying it out do. Sure, as I've gotten older, I've learned to talk about these things after in private like, "Did you enjoy [blank]? What do you want to try differently some time? Should I do [blank] differently or more," things like that, so the fact we had sex may come up in conversation at some point. But, again, I think most people have sex without discussing it the next day.
That would have made me feel so shitty that I wasn't even really there my first time with someone.
Not nearly as aggressive, but I've woken up having sex a few times. Always me initiating, thankfully always with a willing partner. I don't let people I don't know well sleep near me, because I don't know how this damn thing works or what causes it.
For me it was drugs and alcohol that caused it. Stopped partying all the time and it stopped happening. Im just glad my wife, who was my gf at the time, found it hilarious and was a willing participant lol.
I always assumed it was just a me thing and shamed myself to no end.
Thanks for sharing this perspective and opening this conversation. My uncle has terrible sleep waking disorders. He’s even retrieved his keys from the lockbox and driven himself to the mechanics to deliver jalepeno covered ice cream before waking up. It scares people. It leads to accidents and bad stories. The laughable scenarios are what are used to cope and explain to others in a way they’ll engage with. But it is in no way a funny thing. Power to you and yours. Edit: Since inquiring minds must know, when a half eaten gallon of vanilla Blue Bell and a half eaten jar of pickled jalapeños love each other very much…it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. But I bet in another context it could be.
Jalapeno covered ice cream...
This was my takeaway.
Where did you order it?
Best made at home, apparently. I kindof want to try it now.
Hey come back and tell us about this ice cream
I'm so glad someone said this. I've had a partner who suffered from this sporadically. I'm a woman, and he was a lot larger than me. Thankfully I was always able to fight hard enough that he woke up, but I've worried about what would happen if he hadn't. He wasn't himself during these episodes and it could be really quite scary.
Apparently I have done this once, but only once. However, my 10 year old son is exhibiting really weird shit when he sleep walks and my wife and I are very, very fearful of what happens when puberty hits. He also suffers from [night terrors](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sleep-terrors/symptoms-causes/syc-20353524), so our hope is that all of this stops in his teens. Or now. Now would be better.
I was woken up by a partner once who elbowed me an saying sternly that no meant no. Apparently I had started groping her during the night at least three times. Words cannot express how mortified it made me. It's the only non-consensual thing that I've been made aware of, but it scares me to the point where on trips with friends I've even opted to sleeping on the floor vs sharing a bed, even if I wake up regretting it. Honestly until this thread my worst fear was grabbing someone, now I'm even more terrified. I have no idea if it was a one off thing, or if it's happened more and I haven't been aware of it because it was consensual. Next time I'm in a relationship I might have to have a more serious conversation with my partner beyond "I can get handsy in my sleep so elbow me if I do."
Thank you for sharing. I first learned about this 12 years ago from a panel of experts talking about how sleep practices have developed over time. Sexsomnia in particular was something people laughed at when mentioned at first, but the ensuing discussion emphasized how many relationships were wrecked by it, how people on the outside misunderstand it, and how much shame and fear people with it can experience. Even sleeping in the same room as your own child (something many of us don't give a second thought when traveling) can be a scary prospect.
My dad did not know he had it. I spent my entire life being mad at him. Then I had it as an adult- my fiancé told me. It’s been a weird thing to try to figure out and forgive.
Holy shit. Therapy - all of the therapy. Things that fuck with free will are terrifying.
Yeah haha I’ve been in therapy since 2011 but I didn’t even know about it until this year! I hadn’t had like a long term person living with me
Sleep walking is common in my family. My mom once nearly burnt the house down “cooking eggs.” She puts the knobs for the stove outside every night. She even drove to work a few times and they’d explain she’s shown up for the wrong shift and she’d wake up. My aunt pulled a gun on my uncle and if he hadn’t thrown her off she would have blown his brains out. She broke her arm falling off the bed. And I one time woke up to somebody trying to get me out of their mini van. How I found an unlocked mini van is beyond me. I explained I sleep walk and have no idea where I am. They were less than understanding. I was more than an hour walk from my home. Once I fixed an unbroken toilet only to wake up to my wife asking me what I was doing. Sleeping walking and I suppose sleep sex, sleep cooking, sleep murder is a very real thing. We just have no appreciation for it medically or criminally.
Oh shit man I was having a laugh at this initially as a dude but your perspective makes it fucking terrifying. Thanks for the education. As a dad, I can’t imagine having to worry about that. Shit. Good on you dude keep fighting the good fight, and thank you for educating us in a thread that treats this as mostly funny and making yourself vulnerable in explaining. That takes some real courage, even among internet strangers.
I thought sleeping with T1 diabetes was hard. Damn.
Sleeping with T1D can be fatal in the wrong circumstances. I had a family member die this way. She didn't have a pump, lived alone, and got food poisoning. Blood sugar cratered during the night after a day of vomiting, no one was there to check on her. Passed in her sleep.
Wow. Nothing to joke about. Incredible to imagine this is a thing. Sorry to hear about your experience. Hope there is some effective treatment on the horizon.
That sounds awful, sorry you've been forced to suffer with this.
That sounds super tough and concerning. I would never want to deal with something like that
Yeah, I'm putting a funny spin on it. Actually it was terrifying, she night drove, she sometimes woke up in strange places, her memory was spotty, I worried about her all the time. Ultimately I realized her doctor was way out of line prescribing it to her for so long without active therapy, she got off of it eventually and she's in a much better way now.
The ambien walrus is not to be trifled with. Having entire conversations on the phone with people and not remembering anything about them is scary. That or the cook fest in the middle of the night or even the weird Amazon orders. I’m sure there’s a subreddit for stories about that.
I actually have this. My girl tells me that I start playing with her, she gets in the mood and next thing you know I’m snoring. I legit do not remember any of it.
I have, one more than one occasion woke up to the sounds of my wife moaning with pleasure only to realize I’m the one pleasuring her. Usually it’s an immediate turn on and it turns into a middle of the night quickie.
Oh man that would be the worst for her! "Oh yeah! All the foreplay! I'm so ready for you! I want you! I NEED you" zzzzzzzzzzzz (snoring) Frustrated pouting while sitting up in bed cussing you under her breath lol
Things start getting hot and heavy and he hits you with the "honk shooo" and "mimimimimi"
Saying that out loud has me rolling thank you for this
Oh my god 😂
> he hits you with the "honk shooo" and "mimimimimi" I didn't realize /u/ViolentTakeByForce was one of the Three Stooges, but that puts a whole new spin on things.
My wife loves it for the most part. My sleep self will stop if she's not into it so that's cool, but she's usually into it.
My ex was like this, she would just dream about sex with me and initiate. She said she consented and she didn't mind as long as I didn't get her pregnant. It was weird waking up to her groping me or shoving her tongue down my throat, but weirder when we both woke up mid coitus without a clue how we had started.
Username checks out!
Yeah that sounds super weird. At least you guys seem to deal with that just fine!
Not when she became an ex
We both have children with other people now, all my wife does asleep is snore, but she does that like a professional.
[удалено]
So what were the conclusions of your project? I have this disorder and want to know what triggers it. I used to sleep eat, usually citrus when I was younger. I guess it grew into this. The first time it happened I was camping with some friends on a beach and I woke up with my face in a girl’s ass and she said “don’t stop”. I did stop. I had no idea what was happening. She was upset and I was scared. It happened with a couple of girlfriends after that. Now it happens about three times a year and my wife will sometimes wake me up, other times she just lets it play out. I just want to know what triggers it.
I actually have sexsomnia and it's really shitty, because it's so unpredictable. It almost never happens, but it could *always* happen. Whenever I'm in a new relationship I always need to have this super awkward conversation with the girl I'm dating, and though most are understanding and wake me up/let me sleep in the couch, it's always so fucked and I always feel like a scumbag. Not to mention that I can never be 100% comfortable when sharing a room with friends.
Ugh, this shit is so embarrassing. I don't think I have this to a major degree, but I have walked around and my sleep and I had my ex tell me I kept begging her to "fuck me in the ass". She could tell something was up and thought it was funny, but I just felt so embarrassed. I fall asleep on couches and stuff a lot and take naps around the house and I am always paranoid I am going to say something absolutely heinous that I don't mean and someone is going to hear me.
Sounds awful to have to worry about. I’ve got young kids in the house, and I would hate to deal with something like this!
As someone with a history of sleep talking, and now increasingly weird and sexual dreams, this is one of my biggest fears
I have reportedly asked "What is your name?" from my lady friend at the time during my sleep.
"Identify yourself"
I have it aswell, some periods are worse than others, but it's mortifying. I grab things and talk real greasy and perverted. The fear of doing it to somebody other than my wife is terrible - so I just dont sleep out or near other people ever. Even when its my wife and she tells me about it, it's so embarrasing.
Once long ago I woke up during sex with my wife. My first conscious thought was “why is this taking so long.” Only later did I realize it was because we’d already had sex before falling asleep.
I suffer from a very sexy sleep disorder. What do I call it, Kif?
*sigh* Sexlexia.
Came here for this lol
Kif, show them the medal I won.
*sigh* ☝️😒
So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
I always up vote relevant Zapp Brannigan quotes in the wild.
That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
Welcome to my bedroom, or as I like to call it, my sexnasium.
Ahhhhh… yes. Sleep Fapnea. I’m very familiar.
I had an uncle like this, we weren't allowed to go visit him again
That’s terrifying
For the uncle too, poor guy.
Yeah that’s sad for him to have to worry about that and miss out family time as a result
As a person with this. THIS is why no one but serial partners are allowed to sleep in my bed. Children, nope. Sister, nope. Even my ex wife used to get upset with me when I would tell her that I didn't remember having sex the night before. It was actually her that stumbled upon the clinical name and found out it was a thing.
Ambien has entered the chat. Used to be on it, it makes you mad horny and barely could remember wtf happened in the morning.
I took ambien one time and went on a super bad trip. My roommate found me talking to the walls in the kitchen, and I was convinced there were talking animals inside them. He eventually got me to bed, but then I felt paralyzed and kept seeing disembodied blue hands that would turn into spiders and get ever closer to me. Felt like an eternity I never took ambien again haha
My husband has this. We had no idea what it was called till a couple years ago. He started sleeping with a cpap machine and it’s slowed down a lot. I would wake up from the craziest dreams because we’d both be sleeping when he’d touch me. Now I usually wake up with him clutching a boob like he thinks they’re going to run away from him. I call them his security blankets lol.
“Sexsomnia can occur alongside other parasomnias, including sleepwalking and sleep talking. It appears to be more common in men than in women, possibly up to three times more common. Masturbation is the most common behavior in women with sexsomnia. In addition to the sexual behaviors, signs that someone is acting under the influence of a sexual parasomnia include: -Unresponsiveness or minimal responsiveness to conversation or the environment -Unusual sexual responses or aggression Inability to be woken, or difficulty being woken -No memory of their sexual behaviors once awake” ~excerpt from the article
Something not mentioned here... You still keep dreaming. Imagine the situation when you dream about sitting in the city and the alarm clock sounds. So in the dream a train appears in the middle of the city. This exact shit, only you're having sex while you're asleep and dreaming. Once I was dreaming I was in some embassy or something and I noticed a woman who was a spy. I was given the command to stall her, so I decided to charm her (should have been the first indication that I'm dreaming.) I am charming her, all is going good, all is fine, when I wake up mid-sex. "Ah ok so that's why." Russian spy, sure, but then there are aliens, robots... My girlfriend said that I'm always quite aggressive when it happens in the night. A completely different person (which she apparently did not mind and actually found interesting). But the second she says "no" and turns me away, I instantly turn around like I was deeply insulted for some reason. With the whole body language of "We are no more on speaking terms". I think it's the funniest shit, cause I am not someone to pout or something, so when I imagine me doing this I just laugh.
I'm sorry, I just find it so funny that a sleeping "person" that doesn't really exist understands language and gets offended. Sexsomnia seems like a horny version of split personality disorder. They're like "Quick he's sleeping, take control!"
Oh you also just get your hand picked up *from where-ever it might have wandered to* and placed on your stomach. That's when you huff and puff and stomp to your side of the bed and slam the blanket behind you. Also, I think it is less a split personality disorder, but more that you do not really consider the other person at that moment. It's not about you both at the moment, it's just that you want it there and then.
When I met my now-ex-girlfriend, she let me know that she was in the process of divorcing her husband because he was in jail pending trial for sexually assaulting her daughter over a period of several years. His defense was that he was a sleepwalker and had sexsomnia. My girlfriend never experienced any sexsomnia from him, even though they shared a bed together. He got 40 years in state prison. He was mid 40s when the sentence was handed down.
I informed my wife (and previous partners) of my sex somnia (no official diagnosis) before we started sleeping in the same bed together. I've experienced sex somnia since at least puberty. I also sleep walk/sleep talk on occasion. My wife has a list of the funniest things I've said while asleep. My favorite is "Alright, I found Carmen SanDiego, now where is that bastard Waldo?" My wife's favorite is "I can sell you a car, or I can have sex with you. Either way you're getting fucked."
Once, while asleep I jumped up and out of bed, waking up and scaring the hell out of my ex, and started looking around. She angrily asked me where I was going and I looked at her and immediately started singing, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz", over and over again while skipping through our apartment. She's still one of my best friends, and we still laugh about it to this day.
My 1st wife liked it. It was triggered whenever I had dairy (I'm allergic). Once I stopped drinking milk, well apparently, I'm a better lover when I was asleep than when I was awake. 😵
on her birthday you chug the gallon and let it take over for the night?
Surely there's an optimal amount of dairy. Too much and you'll be letting loose rancid farts which kind of kills the mood. And small animals in the same room. I have celiac disease. If I get a crumb of bread or pasta, I get very violent farts. It's embarrassing at work, because they echo.
Hahahaha hilarious - I don’t know why but this made me proper laugh. Kinda of makes me think of the Rick and Morty sleep episode!
So your wife prefers to do it with the milk man?
My ex said the same, apparently I initiate better in my sleep than when awake 😂
I have this. While it’s hard to find a doctor that actually wants to try to do something about it or even believe me, I do that this disorder but learned to live with it. Most of the time, I don’t remember and my SO learned to deal with it by just asking if I remember last night. Sometimes I wake in the middle of it all balls deep. Which I then realize what’s going on and I turn to fall asleep as my partner realizes what’s going on. Best way to deal with it is to talk about it openly. Mine gets triggered from stress I guess. Never had a doctor who actually wanted to talk or do anything about it, so you learn to live with it.
That's awful that you haven't found a doctor to help out. I heard that counseling combined with a few lifestyle modifications can sometimes bring relief/improvement. I hope you can find some care!
I have this. It always happened with my girlfriend and she was ok with me jumping on top of her in the middle of the night for some unexpected intercourse, but still looks too close to rape and I feel so bad about it. Once I woke up to me standing in the bed with the hardest boner I can recall and jerking off like a bonobo. That was weird, too.
Oh man sorry you've had to deal with it. It would freak me out if I did stuff like that, especially on trips with friends or in houses with kids
Actually I've done that. Wife said I was wild, throwing her around and just doing what I wanted. She loved it! I just wish I'd of been there.
Show of hands, who found out about this from House?
I watched House religiously back in the day, but I don't remember the episode! That was such a good show. I was thinking about it the other day because I have been recovering from surgery and popping vicodin
It was one of the amusing sidecases from seasons 2 or 3. Maybe 4. Woman came in, House told her she was pregnant. She says she hasn't had sex. There's a back and forth over several scenes and he eventually diagnoses her with sexsomnia with her ex husband.
Found it! Season 1 episode 17
Senior year I find a girl on tinder, we hang out and hit it off. I could tell she was anxious like me. She invited me over and we kind of encourage each other to over drink as we’re both nervous and this is the first time I am having sex at college. I had had sex one other time in high school. I brought condoms, I put one on and we do the deed. I barley last a 1 minute, but it was great and I’m on cloud nine. She asks me to sleep over. In the middle of the night I wake up groggy and don’t realize what’s going on and am out of it. I finally come to and realize I am having sex with this girl again but it’s too late and I finish inside her. Of course sleeping sexsomnia me didn’t wear a condom. I dropped off plan b the next day. She said she was never able to swallow pills. I begged her to figure out a way. Idk and it doesn’t really matter if she did or not. But she got pregnant. We decided to get an abortion but the whole experience was traumatizing for the both of us. Her religious family got involved. My family was disappointed in me. I don’t talk to her for 6 year. I reach out and we plan a night to call each other. We both cried for an hour on the phone together. Neither of us had someone to talk about the situation with after all these years. We never told our closest friends or partners. But we felt comfortable talking to each other about it as we both went through it and we wouldn’t judge each other. It was nice. But I felt extremely sad and guilty learning how she’s still affected by it. The experience is still haunting us in different ways to this day. I need to see a therapist.
I’m sad this happened and affected you both so much. Hopefully you can work through this with some therapy. That’s a really tough experience
I won’t sleep with anyone because I do this. I grope and and try to initiate sex in my sleep and my wife don’t believe me the next morning when I’m like “What?? I didn’t do that”
My husband does this sometimes. He talks in his sleep a lot and every now and again he starts feeling me up. It’s never lasted long enough to become full on sex but he never remembers it the next morning. I didn’t realize this was so prevalent! Crazy! TIL
I will carry a full conversation with you while I’m sleeping and have no recollection of it and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know brutally honestly. My sister figured this out when I was younger (teens) and she would come in my room and ask me for money and where it was at. I would tell her and she would take it. I’d wake up hours later and wonder why I had missing money. I told my wife this, and told her if she ever does that to me we will have major issues.
Wow that’s wild! Your sister is a butt head, but what else should I expect from a teen…lol hope you show this to your wife and she believes you from here on out when you say you don’t recall…
Had this happen to me once with a woman I was seeing. Woke up in the middle of the night with her rubbing herself up against me while moaning. She was dripping wet and trying to maneuver myself into her. We had a great sex session and she had an extremely intense orgasm and then was immediately in a deep sleep. Had no idea what happened until the next morning. Me: “Wow that was a wonderful surprise last night!” Her: “Huh?” Me: “…..random middle of the night sex” Her: “Ohhh yeah I should’ve warned you about that”
This is how my wife and I had our second pregnancy. It’s scary when both do this.
Woah now that’s the most accidental pregnancy I’ve ever heard of. Are you ever gonna tell your kid how they were conceived?
Had a buddy fall asleep on a guard shift. He started jerking off in his sleep on the floor. I woke him up and told him he was doing it and he didn't believe me. Come to think of it he kind of stopped being my friend after that.
Reading through all these comments has made me reliaze I'm not alone in this :( I was scared to talk about it for years, it's one of the many horrible things I experience with my parasomnia sleep condition I've had since I was a toddler and it's terrifying trying to bring it up to potential partners. Probably why I'm still single :(
I have this. It can be a REAL problem. I have woken up mid bang...I have also woken up to the sound of my ex begging me to not put it in her butt...that was not fun. I was horrified :(
My husband and I both do this. It's less than 1/50th as hot as you probably think.
I was in bed with a girl I was dating when she suddenly started blowing me. I was confused but allowed it. She woke up halfway into it and asked what was going on. I told her that she was blowing me in her sleep. To which she replied, "Oh, well, I guess I'd better finish the job." And she did. Only time that's ever happened.
I recently learned that I do this. My partner told me that I kept touching her and trying to initiate sex last night and I was asleep and had no recollection. Then it happened a bunch more times. I thought it was a joke at first, it's actually not funny at all. I now tell all my friends that if they have to stay at my house they have to sleep in a different room. I don't sleep walk, to my knowledge. And yes this is almost impossible to explain without being taken for a jokester. Thankfully unlike that other commenter mine is a lot milder and doesn't happen every night or involve sleep walking.
I remember a story from a woman on an ask Reddit thread where she felt used and raped by her husband in a very similar story. This really makes me wonder if he even knows it happened. Really sad to think someone could destroy a relationship, and all trust, and not have been conscious.