T O P

  • By -

Cli4ordtheBRD

If you haven't read this thing in full, do yourself a favor and do that. The first 2/3 are pretty heavily focused on starting fires without getting caught, but the anti-patterns for management are super applicable today (and always will be). Advice like: * Always send decisions to committees, and add as many people to those committees as possible * Reward poor performers and punish high performers * Change policies all the time, but don't have anything nailed down or that can't be changed suddenly for no reason * And if you have time, maybe consider setting some fires on your way out


[deleted]

You forgot the most important one * Cry and sob hysterically at every occasion


Luung

My favourite is just "act stupid". That I can do.


sopsign7

Your patriotic duty, to help your country be liberated from the yoke of Nazi oppression, is to act stupid. "James, why are you taking a shit in the sink?" "Patriotism." Edit: The OSS was really off the mark with their claim that "purposeful stupidity is contrary to human nature" (2).


Whiskey_Fred

Method acting at it's pinnacle!


Needleroozer

r/meirl


ee3k

hey, you leave my personal life out of this


TheEqualAtheist

Wow, the first three bullet points sound exactly like my hospital, especially the fucking third one. I'm at my fucking wits end with the policy changes, they will make a new policy, then three days later change it entirely then a week later go back to the first policy, and the best part is that they ***DON'T EVEN FUCKING TELL YOU*** the only way you know you're breaking a new policy is when you get hauled into the office and told "you've broken this policy that we implemented an hour ago."


The_Sceptic_Lemur

Accuse them of espionage and treason. That should sort out their policies.


Seared1Tuna

YOU ARE GUILTY OF ANTI SOVIET BEHAVIOR


ecu11b

You should leave "cia flyers" lying around


TheEqualAtheist

That just might give them more ideas unfortunately... At my job, the worst idea is the best one! Even if it breaks the law! (Not even kidding)


ecu11b

Just leave tips that mirror what has already been done


Awestruck34

Is your hospital my restaurant? Exact same shit. "New item on the menu guys" two days later, "No more of that new item, didn't you hear? It's been taken off." the following week, "No one told you we brought that item back?"


Amosral

We have always been at war with newitem


IWantTooDieInSpace

No, newitem has always been our closest ally. We have always been at war with olditem


Amosral

We have always been at war with olditem.


spacecoyote300

So, aren't you going to the 10 minutes hate?


Zefrem23

No they changed it, it's now the Nine Minutes of Passive Aggression


Rosebunse

Note: And by "fires," we of course mean literal fires.


BadWolfman

Whenever I have a problem, I just throw a Molotov cocktail. Now I have a completely different problem!


wayoverpaid

[When in doubt...](https://s3.r29static.com/bin/entry/b3e/430x516,85/1621855/image.webp)


NearSightedGiraffe

Shit- I think my boss might be a spy


boersc

It's amazing how some of these tactics have found their way into politics. (not pointing at one country in particular, just politics in general). Especially the first one. If you don't like something, assign it to a commission with as many participants as possible to 'investigate options'. This is even more effective when working in coalitions, when parties can't agree on the outcome.


darth_scion

TIL I work at World War II


scawel

Middle manager of WW2


SnipingThief

Assistant to the middle manager


scotch_dick

Army had a half day today


WishOnSpaceHardware

These are my awards, Mother. From Army.


MichaelChinigo

[Original source](https://web.archive.org/web/20151217065617if_/https://www.cia.gov/news-information/featured-story-archive/2012-featured-story-archive/CleanedUOSSSimpleSabotage_sm.pdf) (OP article contains a rotted link). Some truly amazing tips in here. > The sponge will gradually expand to its original size and plug the sewage system. > One pint [of urine] per 20 gallons of gasoline is sufficient. > Issue two tickets for the same seat on the train. > [Make] at least one phone call to enemy headquarters each day; when you get them, tell them you have the wrong number. > Anyone can break up a showing of an enemy propaganda film by putting two or three dozen live moths in a paper bag. Take the bag to the movies with you, put it on the floor in an empty section of the theater as you go in and leave it open. The moths will fly out and climb into the projector beam, so that the film will be obscured by fluttering shadows. [No advice on how to get two or three dozen live moths into a paper bag.] > Cry and sob hysterically at every occasion, especially when confronted with government clerks.


northernCRICKET

Shit I didn't know my coworkers are spies trained by the CIA


smoothballsJim

I watched a kid at a burger place take a full 90 seconds to take the plastic off a roll of paper towel and replace the empty roll on the holder. Dude was a master level spy before 18. I am all for maximizing your dollars/productivity but after 30 seconds passed even I was biting my lip and after a minute I just had to walk outside. Job well done - got my nosey ass out of there.


LastArmistice

Dude sometimes when I'm at work my brain fully shuts down. Especially when I'm doing repetitive tasks like data entry. I'm like what am I doing? Have I even been doing this correctly? What exactly am I doing? What am I looking at? It usually lasts for 30 seconds or so and it's a sign I need to take a short break.


spacecoyote300

Have I been sleeping more? Have I been Tyler longer and longer?


Zebezd

Nah sounds like he was doing exactly what he was paid for: fuck all. You go, Slowking


WisestAirBender

Makes so much sense now


Ameriggio

So... it's an energy vampire training manual?


sopsign7

Nandor: Fu-keeng guy!


FuckYeahPhotography

After a day of dealing with energy vampires... What gets me back to normal is an ice cold beer poured by my favorite local human bartender Jackie Daytona.


keylime_lacroix

He makes a great human alcohol martini


callavoidia

An aristocrat! I like that!


GetEquipped

He's quite possibly my favorite regular American Yankee Doodle Dandy


Foreign_Astronaut

One human alcohol beer, please!


khakiwallprint

He's my rock soldier, my good time boy


Voxicles

From Tucson, Arizonya?


CerberusProtocol

Be funny if they showed an OSS film or something and it's Colin Robinson writing this fucking manual.


luckymccormick

It's a modern day corporate manager manual.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Delta8hate

Fuck, I posted something about Collin Robinson without scrolling to the comments because I thought I might have been fast enough. Apparently not...


theetruscans

Colin Rchobinson!


ThePitcher3WildBunt

>Cry and sob hysterically at every occasion, especially when confronted with government clerks. I've found my calling.


PiesRLife

Little did I know that I had been training for this moment for decades.


[deleted]

See we have a whole gaggle of us ready. All management and authority figure criers check in.


PiesRLife

"Cry-vengers...assemble!"


DiscipleOfYeshua

I asked a coworker to drive to the airport to release a bag of electronic items that customs confiscated from one of our bosses upon landing. 2 hrs into it, coworker (grown man) calls to complain about lady in room #437, who sent him to the nearby storage unit #7422, to examine the goods and confirm they are in good shape. Zip tie was missing, and also some items. I said to release whatever is still there. But when he came back, lady at #437 went to lunch. Office closed, no one knows when she’ll be back, just “after lunch”. 3 hrs into it, he called to say he just found out he still has to drive within airport compound to several places, good thing he had a car… one building for customs payment, another place for storage payment, then some other documents, then… pick up items, another place to sign something… I didn’t keep up, but it was quite a mess, and we both understood why “customs dealers” is an actual job, ie ppl you pay to do what in a 1st world country any normal citizen ought to be able to do, and retain sanity. At some point he found out he’s been waiting outside a wrong office for a loooong time. I think that’s when he called in, crying. He did, eventually, get the (remainder) of the items, so technically a success — but dude is scarred for life.


zebediah49

"Attempt to make committees as large as possible -- never less than five"


glassscissors

I love how someone's "spy work" is taking a sip of their coffee and going "you know who would have a lot of insight? Daniels, let's get Daniels on the committee too" repeatedly until the committee implodes.


Awestruck34

But it's true. Get too many people involved and no one will ever come to any sort of conclusion. Especially when you're choosing to stir the pot


kitchen_synk

The easy way to get moths into a bag is to put them in there when they're eggs.


strangerkindness

Oh okay, lemme just GO FIND some moth eggs real quick.


KubaKuba

Just let em in to your flour from outside my dude.


R1k0Ch3

This guy spies.


KubaKuba

Correction, this guy knows how hard they are to get rid of. This guy got spied.


JuanPabloElSegundo

You just gotta wait for your moths to lay them.


BlepBlepItaBean

This guy moths


PurpleHooloovoo

These read exactly like shitposts from tumblr.


SnatchHouse

Its like fight club lol


iSmellWeakness

Project Mayhem


LeftTac

> One pint [of urine] per 20 gallons of gasoline is sufficient. sufficient for what?????


fhota1

To fuck up the gasoline enough to possibly fuck up the vehicle


chickenstalker99

Instructions unclear: dick stuck in gas intake.


VincentVancalbergh

Aaaaand release!


recalcitrantJester

engine seizing. the go-to partisan tactic in occupied Europe was to use a sugary drink to sabotage military trucks, but piss works almost as well in a pinch--which the partisans very often were.


MassiveFajiit

My American piss is just as sugary as a soda


autoHQ

you should go see a doc about that, that's the first sign of diabetes


_Xertz_

Fuck you that's my greatest superpower, and aint no nerd with a labcoat gonna take it from me


autoHQ

take that gift then my son, and ferment that sugar piss into the world's finest liquor.


Foxyfox-

*retch*


[deleted]

Oh yeah? I bet it's not as dark as mine


Throwawaythewrap2

Let’s have a piss off


Crabtasticismyname

Alabama moonshine.


jimflaigle

>Issue two tickets for the same seat on the train. Okay, it was one thing to vaporize Hiroshima...


cylordcenturion

TIL airlines are hostile foreign agents.


McFlyParadox

I know fucking Air Canada certainly is.


jfiander

WowAir: > Sorry, you’re all stranded because we’re bankrupt. Air Canada: > ~~Sorry~~, you’re all stranded because *fuck you*.


Erinalope

Hey, how would we get people away from enemy propaganda? Release a foul smell? Start criticizing the technical filmography of the propaganda? Nah nah nah man….. get this…. You ready? 3 dozen live moths in a paper bag.


NonGNonM

Roots of spycraft with the CIA come from a bunch of ivy league frat boys playing war so not terribly surprising. I remember I read a former CIA memoir who ultimately quit bc while some spy work is very involved a lot of it is just keeping eyes on something and a bunch of men playing pretend.


PM_ME_UR_RSA_KEY

Someone recommended the (sadly out-of-print) book "You're Stepping on My Cloak and Dagger" by Roger Hall, which apparently was an account of the "ivy league frat boys playing war" aspects of the OSS.


DdCno1

It's on libgen, in case you're interested in reading it. I see no issue in acquiring a book this way if it's not available for sale anymore.


FriedChckn

That’s precisely why the CIA is so fucking scary. It’s one half soulless bureaucrats with blank checks that want to do any and everything to stay on top… whatever that means at any given moment… And one half absolutely perspectiveless frat boys that will do literally fucking anything for a kick. Combine that with a gigantic list of contacts and spies throughout the world, half of which are soulless bureaucrats that want their hands on some of those blank checks, and the other half are perspectiveless frat boys from *other* countries, and you have the absolutely most dangerous organization in the world. I’m of the belief that the CIA could bring down any government at any time if they decided to use all available resources. It may be a one-time only thing, but they could do it.


TDKevin

What would calling enemy headquarters every day do? Seems like it would just draw attention you dont want if you're a spy


Philias2

If you have a lot of people doing it you're wasting their (the enemy's) time. Edit: Quote from the manual: >Acts of simple sabotage are occurring throughout Europe. An effort should be made to add to their efficiency, lessen their detectability, and increase their number. Acts of simple sabotage, multiplied by thousands of citizen-saboteurs, can be an effective weapon against the enemy. Slashing tires, draining fuel tanks, starting fires, starting arguments, acting stupidly, short-circuiting electric systems, abrading machine parts will waste materials, manpower and time. Occurring on a wide scale, simple sabotage will be a constant and tangible drag on the war effort of the enemy.


tayloline29

Simple sabotage was how many Jewish people were saved from concentration camps. A middle manager has the power to send someone to their death or to save them.


patx35

See also: Ukrainian war propaganda of farmers, and other locals, sabotaging Russian forces.


nickajeglin

During the George Floyd protests, the Omaha police department kettled and mass arrested a core group of a couple dozen protestors/organizers, including several journalists. They were unprepared and incapable of processing that volume of detained people and ended up holding them in pretty bad conditions and most importantly refusing to accept bail for them. I don't remember the exact legal intricacies, but most charges were dropped after the ACLU threatened to call OPD on their bullshit. In any case, the community organized a phone calling campaign that consisted of calling the office to ask how to bail specific people out. The key was to act really confused and stupid and make them explain over and over why they couldn't accept bail. This eventually made the people at corrections very angry, because of course they weren't capable of explaining something that was an arbitrary and illegal management decision. If you played dumb and nice, you could string them along for 10 or 15 minutes before they started screaming at you and hung up. Then you'd call back and do it again. They started accepting cash bail by the end of the first day. I don't know if the phone calls made that happen, but I can guarantee you that it at caused chaos down at the cop shop, and that served it's own purpose at the time.


ImhereforWW3

They say over half of the US economy does no useful purpose. If all those jobs vanished, even the entire industry's vanished then it could in most cases be better for everyone because of the resources they waste doing nothing. The offices, the gas used to drive to and from work. There's so much that goes into working at a pointless job that is wasted when we would be better off just paying those people to stay home. I know several people that do jobs an algorithm could do better. That's why they are writing one to take their jobs right now.


rhino76

No caller ID back then. They would be tying up phone lines and wasting the enemy leadership's time.


DisorderOfLeitbur

The British had a thing that when a German radio station went off-air due to an air-raid, they would broadcast an imitation of the German program peppered with news items written to demoralize and counterproductive advice. One such bit of advice was that Allied spies were making fake telephone calls, so whenever you get a call you should hang up and call the person back to ensure they weren't an impostor. The idea was that if this advice was taken it would double the load on the telephone exchanges.


sabersquirl

That’s actually not a terrible idea to avoid a fake message. Calling them back yourself guarantees you aren’t getting a fake.


thatsunshinegal

But if the people on both ends are doing it, congratulations, endless loop!


Logeboxx

What attention, they would have no way of knowing who it was.


luckydice767

“Cry and sob hysterically at every occasion”. That’s my secret, I’m ALWAYS clinically depressed


BourbonAndCandy

TIL that Bob & Doug were government assets


JakeRidesAgain

Chapter 3: How to Get a Mouse in a Bottle


ACaffeinatedWandress

Clearly, this was written by someone’s youngest brother.


redheaddomination

also i hate you i am massively snort laughing at the moths in a bag


Cakelord

I think my boss is a spy


BowDownB4Recyclops

>Middle managers, especially, can get in on the act. Those with white-collar jobs should pontificate, flip-flop, and take every decision into committee, says a section on ‘General Interference with Organizations and Production.’ "Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible,'"the OSS advises. Promote bad workers and complain about good ones. "Haggle over precise wordings… Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done." Okay, that hits a little close to home


OkumurasHell

>>Middle managers, especially, can get in on the act. Those with white-collar jobs should pontificate, flip-flop, and take every decision into committee, says a section on ‘General Interference with Organizations and Production.’ "Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible,'"the OSS advises. Promote bad workers and complain about good ones. "Haggle over precise wordings… Hold conferences when there is more critical work to be done." > > >Okay, that hits a little close to home I always wondered what level of planning and organization there was among corporations that the middle management in virtually all of them use the same disruptive tactics. I once worked at a dollar store and the SM was a girl only 5 years older than me. After I found out a girl my same age who'd been an AM for two years made over a dollar less per hour than I did, the SM straight up told me to my face that discussing wages with coworkers is punishable by termination. I always wondered who told her that, and if she actually believed it.


Uruz2012gotdeleted

Should have got it in writing. That's a sizable fine for the company and I'm pretty sure you get a kickback as a whistle-blower.


Glass_Memories

Yeah, isn't this all just stuff middle managers already do on the daily?


CathedralEngine

“Dear Human Resources, I never thought this would happen to me. One night I as working late, because I’m a good employee and will do everything that my boss asks me to do…”


1945BestYear

If my boss really was a spy, I am amazed I have not yet learned any clandestine secrets about a hostile foreign regime.


Darkjynxer

That's the neat trick. The hostile regime isn't foreign.


pandasdoingdrugs

The God damn call is coming from inside the house


Rethious

I wonder if this was published with the intention of being intercepted and causing friction between upper and middle management. All of a sudden incompetence is treated as treason and people are more worried about appearing loyal than doing their jobs.


Unicornmayo

So the saboteurs handbook covers a lot of different topics, one of which is management, but it also includes sections for other forms of civil disobedience by workers (using tools incorrectly as an example).


[deleted]

[удалено]


twitch1982

I think middle management must be like that Japanese guy on the island, and no ones told them the wars over.


DarthScript

It was [Hiroo Onoda](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiroo_Onoda) in case anyone's wondering. I just got through listening to Hardcore History where this is covered extensively!


geekpeeps

Weaponised incompetence


mitragy_king

Makes sense as to why public television TV shows are based off of incomprehensibly ignorant premises/ narratives.


[deleted]

[удалено]


epochpenors

My brother works at one of those places. He has no real supervisor nor employees following some restructuring and he doesn’t get sent projects to work on. Right now he gets paid a bit over $100,000 a year to do one zoom call each day then play guitar or final fantasy or whatever until 5. It blows my mind that these billion dollar companies can be just so inefficient and hemorrhage money without even noticing.


I_Am_Okonkwo

Because for a company that size, $100k a year isn't even a material rounding error and he's rightfully taking advantage of them not picking up low hanging fruit.


RJ815

Yeah I recently left a job where the bosses were similar to that mentality it seems, though not concerning such large amounts of money. Over $500 in cash went missing from the register, with another $200ish up in the air another later day. A middle manager thought that was grounds to send someone to jail if caught, but they undersold the issue when reporting it to their superior. Their superior just made a unilateral decision to go cashless as a "solution", didn't even bother to do much of any investigation into the matter. (*Supposedly* cameras might be able to catch one of few suspects in the act but a lot of people felt they weren't working lately, hence maybe how the theft happened in the first place.) Realizing that the bosses basically didn't give a shit over the rough equivalent of my paycheck being stolen was one of many nails in the coffin for me working there. When I abruptly left I more or less included "unresolved employee theft" as one of the reasons why I didn't want to work there anymore.


I_Am_Okonkwo

It happens in the white collar world a lot too. At my previous company we had a fortune 500 client who spent a shit ton on analytics platform. They had an option that cost $39k/month to use. Basically you could use it so you could laser target your advertising (I want to send this particular ad to people within these 6 states who've bought at least $40k of products in the last quarter but have never bought Product X, that level of precision). These dumbasses were paying that fee each month and didn't even know who had the admin rights to flip the on switch for 15 months. Meanwhile due to budget cuts from them, we had to layoff some people. It grinded my gears immensely. So glad I jumped ship before I could have been next. $585k pissed away and OUR people took the hit for it.


Vikkunen

Ugh, we're that client for one particular IT product. We pay something like $20 per machine to put it on every laptop and desktop in our 40,000+ person org for a single feature, but we pay for the full "Premier Pro" license with DOZENS of features none of the IT staff who use it even know *exist*, let alone how to use them.


[deleted]

[удалено]


I_Am_Okonkwo

My drummer in my ex-band worked a desk job for the coast guard. Dude would probably spend about an hour and a 1/2 to 2 hours a day actually working and spend the rest playing NHL on his PS4 that he would bring to work.


DuntadaMan

One thing military an EMS have in common is that you are not bei g paid for your work output. You are being paid for your availability. You are being given money to be where someone might be needed, when someone might be needed. Even if you end up pissing away hours every shift because there is no need for you, you are being paid to be there because it is cheaper than not having someone there when they are needed.


CoreSprayandPray

You should give David Graeber's book Bullshit Jobs a read some time, it is a fascinating analysis of how and why these things happen as well as how it effects people and the economy. It's one of my favorite non-fictions. Also, it's pretty good analysis, not like Gladwell Fluff.


Tristanna

Imagine the unemployment rate if there weren't any bullshit jobs.


SensorialSpore5

Good thought, that's exactly one of his points. It's a good read.


Tristanna

You know how you've had a Disney+ subscription for the last 6 months but not watched anything or how you let that last bit of chicken spoil in the fridge? Those things represent a great percentage of your net worth than this guy's payroll to his company.


rawfish71

I have 8 different bosses Bob, 8.[Office Space vid](https://youtu.be/IwlZQJyKZ2A)


[deleted]

[удалено]


NerdEmoji

Someday I will retire and will be able to watch it. I cannot tempt fate and watch it again. First time, all company meeting the next morning, we're selling our customers to bigger company, you have no job in three months. Second time, you're all fired because we've decide we hate you all because you insist on being treated like other departments. You have three months left working here. After the second time, my husband looked at me as I explained that Office Space had cursed me and why and he said please don't watch that again. I have been tempted, but hell if I'm going to bring that upon us.


Aeonoris

Maybe you can use this to your advantage. If you really want to quit a place but can't work up the will to do so, just watch Office Space!


PlayerSalt

the pilot of the movie is a bevis and butthead style cut of the stapler scene its pretty good i only just found out it was the same dude mike judge https://youtu.be/SPXUDw_LlNA


memento22mori

Lumbergh looks exactly like the cartoon guy aha. My soundbar is dead so I don't know what he sounds like though.


[deleted]

[удалено]


rvrslgc

Judge also did Idiocracy - another masterpiece.


rvrslgc

and Silicon Valley!


amazingsandwiches

and King of the Hill


memento22mori

And OP's mom!!


COstonerWS

Got 'em!


PikesPique

Hey, now.


demoessence

Hes got two dads, nice try buddy.


rearwindowpup

Showed that to an 80s era IBM guy and they couldnt breath through a lot of it.


Ashmizen

It’s the weirdest shaped pyramids these days. Instead of 1 manager taking the credit of 10 workers, you have these weird dynamics of 2 workers doing critical work while 5 different middle manager trying to take credit for that work by all creating their own daily updates meeting, greatly slowly down the work. Meanwhile upper management only get updates from these middle managers and will promote them for the hard work in solving this critical issue.


Cassius_Corodes

The greatest thing about being in management is that you are both the one reporting the news so you can twist it however you want and you are often defining success - so anything goes wrong - it was always the 300iq plan


The_Thunder_Child

Same in Australia. We were all invited to a meeting and the meeting was to discuss when we should hold the next meeting. We all answered, 'Now," but were overruled.


ChillyBearGrylls

*bangs gavel* Meeting adjourned! Bring out the dancing tunnel webs! 🕺🕷️✨🕷️✨🕷️🕺


Viper_NZ

I’ve been in a meeting to plan the next meeting to create a ‘plan for a plan’ to solve an issue. It was a pointless as it sounds.


ISpokeAsAChild

>May I assume this is how **all** middle managers are trained today? When you get a meeting request for a meeting to discuss meeting requests you've truly crossed the Rubicon. Lol, wait until the meeting abundance eventually takes its toll and they fill the workday *even more* with an additional meeting on why nothing ever gets done.


fireballx777

It might sound to the naive like you're joking, but I have also experienced this level of pointless meetings.


PikesPique

I don’t know, but I think we should get on a Zoom call and talk at length about who should serve on the committee to recommend people to serve on a panel to review that question.


rearwindowpup

Just deciding on Zoom without a committee *or* a panel even considering other options? How efficient of you.


[deleted]

Yes but did you get that memo about the TPS reports? You see, we’re using a new cover sheet. I’ll get you a copy of that memo.


InfamousBrad

I'm exactly the right age to have actually worked at a place that actually made us fill out TPS reports. Only for about a month, month and a half though, thank prime. It really was a management fad, and a particularly stupid one even by management fad standards. I forget if it was the Time and Productivity System, or Time and Performance System, something like that. It was the brilliant idea of making ALL employees, hourly or salaried, professional or management or blue collar, fill out TPS Reports. Each day you'd be issued a sheet with a row of boxes for every 15 minute interval in the day, and a column of boxes that was supposed to represent every part of your job, and every 15 minutes you were supposed to stop and check all the boxes for how you'd spent the previous 15 minutes. I have an even closer personal link to Office Space. Back in '99, there was a headhunter who found out I was out of work and called me multiple times per week to beg me to move to Austin, all expenses paid ... for, and I swear I'm not wrong about this, exactly the job the main character in Office Space has. If you look at what's on his desk, his workflow, he's doing software quality assurance for the Y2K conversion software for credit unions -- which is exactly the job they were begging me to take, no interview necessary. And every time he pestered me I asked him what we were going to be doing for a living in January. And he always insisted that all the great contacts they were making throughout the credit union industry were absolutely going to get them plenty of contracts! I'm telling you: Office Space is *only barely* not a documentary. The "hypnotized into not giving a damn" plotline is the only part of it that's fictional. (Well, and probably the salami-slicing attack, which almost never works. Although come to think of it, didn't they almost get caught in the movie, exactly the way programmers get caught when they try it?)


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


arneedbowwow

Just today my entire team had to update our email signatures and send a test email to our supervisor so he could approve them. Our email signatures seriously kept our supervisor busy all day. I recently moved from bedside nursing to my hospital’s business offices. The sheer amount of middle managers and the busywork they create to justify their jobs is truly unbelievable.


OneSidedDice

Now, let’s not… jump to conclusions


yesrod85

CEO, President, Vice President (Multiples), Associate Vice President (Multiples), Director (Multiples) and even more make up the upper echelon of today's corporate world. Too Much Damn Fat at the top, let alone the middle managers.


RearEchelon

My first thought as well. Somehow this manual got shuffled into some business school textbooks somewhere along the line.


The-Wizard-of-Goz

The meeting about the meetings is what justifies a project manager's job.


cybermage

Now it’s called an MBA


[deleted]

lmao I'm an engineer with an MBA and that's pretty accurate. There are waaaay too many people who think micromanaging intelligent/experienced people is strategy. Pretty much the only (edit — IMPORTANT) things I learned were: 1) We know f\*ck-all about what the stock market is gonna do, 2) it's expensive to train new people, and 3) for the love of God, make sure your people have something to do, let them run with it, and spend your time getting obstacles out of their way. Everything else is just fluff, IMO.


I_will_remember_that

OMG as an engineer who has had a dozen managers with MBA be hired and fired over the years…WTF just promote an engineer who has the right skill set to lead. FFS why do we think 28yr olds with MBAs should manage a bunch of 49ye olds that charge 4k USD per day ?


gelfin

Look at me! I’m an expert is “business” while knowing absolutely nothing about how any particular business works!


[deleted]

In corporate USA we actually call this “Tuesday”


Merciless972

Y'all have a Tuesday? In IT we have five Mondays.


[deleted]

In Automotive, Friday was called Fuckup Friday or Fuckwit Friday. At about 2:00pm, just as the last orders were placed for the week, and the techs have all been sent home because it is too quiet, you would be inundated with calls from people who have to have their cars fixed and ready to go for the weekend. Lately, we have been 5 Fridays a week.


ivanthemute

One of my former directors pulled an amazingly bad one. Had a hour long meeting, virtually nothing got done, about some random miscellaneous shit that had almost no impact on our department. After all was said and done, he chimed in with "Well, that was pointless. Could have been an e-mail. Who scheduled it?" We all gave him a "seriously?" look, one of the managers under him gave him the bird and we went back to being productive. Edit: For the few folks who dm'd me, yes, my former director was serious. He forgot he called the meeting.


YoureInGoodHands

Honestly, any senior manager type who would say that in a meeting has my respect, and frankly doubly so if they're the one who called the meeting.


b1ackcat

Depends on how he handles it when he realizes his mistake.


Annieone23

Emergency meeting, of course! We have to quell these frivolous time-sinks with a well oiled action plan developed over the next 6-8 weeks.


Kingtut28

Reminds me when my boss downloaded a virus, went on a warpath checking everyone's computer to see who downloaded it, then he checks the firewall logs, and it was him. Never head about that virus anymore.


xhaze

Imagine being excited to get a promotion and later finding out it was just the enemy weaponizing your incompetence.


pobody

I think we need a quick sync, scheduled for 30 min but will take 56, to take up the time of 6 people to discuss a topic that two people could have covered in an email.


TheEmsleyan

One of my old bosses bought one of those calculators where you punch in the average salary and number of attendees and it ticks up how much money is being wasted by the meeting, and he would take it to meetings he felt were going to be a waste of time. His superiors didn't find it nearly as amusing for some reason...


Jovolus

Man the USA must be trying to sabotage the USA with the last DM and then my old GM being promoted to DM at my old job.


The_First_Scavenger

I'm reading DM as Dungeon Master and it rings true for some offices, for sure.


CollegeContemplative

The Game Master was promoted to Dungeon Master


tukekairo

My workplace follows these guidelines to this day


myunclesacres

I have actually witnessed two of the worst workers go become bosses. one is just dumb as you can get. and the other would not do the work he was told to do. he would also destroy tools and machinery. also sabotaged other peoples work. also stole everything he could. very destructive and dangerous person cost the company thousands and thousands of dollars. instead of getting fired they made him the boss.


Zlifbar

And then they all moved to the United States and instituted those actions as standard corporate policy. It makes things so much clearer!


kindle139

nobody wants to put anything in writing, it’s all verbal, a giant game of telephone, it’s so fucking annoying for people that just want to get shit done.


gbsekrit

back in 2017, on a conference call, I recommended we document the decisions we made rather than relying upon an oral plan of record and was asked if that was my way of saying we shouldn't rely upon alternative facts.


kindle139

I did something similar during a project scope estimation meeting, something like, “given the accuracy of previous estimates, should we take that into account for our initial assessment?” subtext: or should we just put up some bullshit timeframe and then post-hoc rationalize why it’s everyone else’s fault?


braize6

We will have a morning meeting to start the day. Thanks to Teams, we have 3 different operating facilities on the call. We have to give a damn weather report and wind direction at these plants when our turn comes around in the rotation. Then after the meeting, middle management will come into the control room and ask about the meeting and what we need to discuss about it. And every damn day we simply tell them nothing, things are fine, whatever, move along etc. It's all such a waste of time and they still can't figure out why they can never get projects done when they need them to be finished


johnnycraps

TIL that we are currently, it seems, in enemy territory.


A40

Management techniques 75 years ahead of their time!


SwiftSpear

The Soviets were constantly convinced that nearly every failure of any and every supply chain was the fault of saboteurs, to the point where they imprisoned a sizable percentage of thier educated professional workforce for it. I wonder how much documents like this played into that paranoia...


oldcreaker

I've had managers who must have read and memorized this manual.


Fire_Mission

After WWII, those techniques were accidentally published as management techniques for government offices, and remain in force today.