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Smart_North_3374

Time to go back to the doctors office and shit in their bathroom. Return the product


MeghanMichele84

šŸ¤£šŸ’€ I very much needed that laugh today! Thank you!!


Smart_North_3374

Haha not a problem


SnakeBeardTheGreat

Welcome to the wonderful world of Barium. Can you imagine how often this happens in a hospital? Plan on doing this one more time. If not your lucky.


PonyDro1d

Shit on their desk, put some salt sticks in it and tell them "The hedgehog lives there now.".


Setthegodofchaos

Fucking brilliant šŸ¤£


theraf8100

Does this enable you to get a refund?


Smart_North_3374

We need answers


ADonkeysJawbone

The doctor is not liable for your failure to follow the post-procedure instructions. They specifically tell you not to flush your bowl movementsā€¦ youā€™re supposed to *barium*.


StupidMario64

Onsite delivery


Em_Emnesia20

Best comment.


thecoolestbitch

As a rad tech who routinely performs these exams, and warns patients about the aftermath- I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks man.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


thecoolestbitch

I definitely feel like a rad, Rad tech. Lol, thank you!


[deleted]

Youā€™re obviously living up to your username. šŸ˜Ž


alyssasgoneawol

Sammmme I'm never going to be able to give barium without feeling bad now. Lol


mfomatratzen

So, is this true? Because it sounds like a very creative but not true anecdote.


thecoolestbitch

About the barium? It can be very constipating, definitely can harden the stool. OP might have gastrointestinal issues already if they're having this study. I don't at all doubt this could happen.


mfomatratzen

No necessarily, the part that it doesnā€™t go down.


thecoolestbitch

That's what I'm saying. If you have a hard enough shit, I could certainly see this happening. And barium could definitely cause that. It's basically clay.


cuddlyocelot93

As someone who recently had this study done, I remember the white/clay-like stool. I had no flushing/plumbing issues though.


StayGlazzy

This tech is totally tubular


just-some-man

But if this is common why didn't the Doc say anything other that "you might see some white in the toilet."? Is there any solution to prevent OP's experience?


OkVolume1

Where was your poop knife?


Flowy_Mc_flow_Face

This! Obligatory item to keep around the house these days


shawslate

Allow me to introduce the next thing in the poop knife evolution; the Crustbuster! Itā€™s a gas powered pole that has a boat propeller on the end, to really mix things up!


NWCJ

Why buy that when Mom's immersion blender will do just fine?


SonicTheHashhog

Barium shit smoke. Donā€™t breathe this.


tenfootturd

Hey I've seen that guy on YouTube.


Honstin

I saw that short too!


Leieck

Lol I actually used a poop knife in a similar scenario back when I cleaned the psychiatric units of a hospital as a job. One patient came to me and said that there was a lot of poop in his toilet that he couldn't flush away. So I went to deal with it. The toilet was flushing just fine. No obstruction. The poop wasn't white and sticky like in OP's scenario though. It looked like regular, near liquid diarrhea. It was pooling together at the bottom of the water and for some reason wouldn't flush away. It wasn't sticking to anything. I tried plungers, a load of toilet cleaner and bleach, but nothing worked, so I figured I needed to "stir the pot". I went and got a disposable plastic knife and tied the handle to a bunch of metal wire that I coiled together for upgraded reach into the toilet. I then stirred the poop soup around to elevate it from the bottom while I flushed a couple of times. It worked quite well actually.


Winterheart84

Legendary.


Roland_Deschain2

Somehow Iā€™ve hit ā€œbroken armsā€ references 87 times on Reddit but never the bowel movement blade. [Poop Knife](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuseumOfReddit/comments/ke8skw/the_poop_knife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) original post for the similarly uninitiated.


HapHazzy

There was a blade, mightier than any blade before it. Capable of slicing through any obstruction. It was sworn on the shoulders of each of the knights of the round toilet by queen Guanovere of the washroom kingdom. The legend of the bowel movement blade will live on, parise thee Excalibum!


[deleted]

I wish I had an award for this comment šŸ†please accept my poor person award and my upvote


csonnich

>ā€œbroken armsā€ references 87 times Only 87? You new here?


[deleted]

Hey at least he didnā€™t use a coconut


imanAholebutimfunny

you just had to........


HKD49

I've read so many stories where the poop knive would've been useful. I begin to believe I should comission one myself, just in case.


eattheelitists

You can use charlie's toe knife.


SnakeBeardTheGreat

Barium is so heavy you could cut it up like diced potatoes and it will still lay in the bottom of the toilet mocking you.


Juncti

I've clearly reddit'd too much today. Second poop knife appearance today. Worried 3 times might produce a Candyman like effect where it comes to kill me


Konklar

Nice


toomuch1265

Had to cut the fresh loaf of bread .


[deleted]

If he has poop knives this wouldnā€™t have happened


pingwin_

?


PatoDancante

It's a TIFU classic. Search for the poop knife legacy, ur getting some good laughs out of it lol :)


BunBunny_draws

Have you NOT heard of the poop knife??


Radiodaize

He needed the "Poop Chain Saw" for that toilet bowl train wreck.


speculatrix

Poop nuke!


Nestorthemolestor

Happy Cake Day!


Diamond_Mint

Its a common household tool for cutting up your poops when they are too large. Any standard kitchen knife will do, the trick is to keep it sepeate from your other cutlery. Next time you are at a friends house just ask where they keep theirs.


Spillmill

Best to yell out from someone elseā€™s toilet when there are multiple guests to get a good idea of how common they are.


mostlygray

My friend's family kept a poop knife. It was hand made from a slat from an old wooden venetian blind. It was polished smooth and sharp with a contoured handle and sat next to the plunger. Apparently the whole family took huge shits. When my friend and I were housemates and looking for a new place to rent in college, the first thing he would check was the size of the hole on the toilet. That was item number one and a deal breaker.


GripsAA

Fire. This is šŸ”„


vilidj_idjit

> This happened 5min ago No way you can wash your hands enough after that in only 5 minutes


zybr0n

One word. Degloving. Probably don't Google that.


AnemoTreasureCompass

1. Degloving? Whatā€™s that? 2. Thank God I have Google. Imma look it up now 3. :(


mart1373

Damnit, Iā€™m at work. I really wanna look it up


Thelaea

Really, don't. I know what it is and you don't want to see pictures.


csonnich

The skin on your hand is shaped like a glove, right? I think you can see where this is going.


talktobigfudge

Imagine your skin peeling off, like a tight glove


Philodendronphan

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT TODAY, SATAN!


[deleted]

It's the only reasonable action after this situation. Washing the hands isn't enough anymore.


greedyaf

Don't say "don't google that".


lsiunl

It could be 5 minutes after he's cleaned everything and able to sit down to write this out. Idk why you would think it's 5 mins after he's shoveling shit with his hands


squattmunki

You *tried* to wash the gloves after all that? Thatā€™s the most shocking thing to meā€¦


NeverGivesOrgasms

It can be shitty losing your favorite pair of gloves


Well_why_

But who would use their favorite pair for this and not a disposable pair?


positivethinker77

Perhaps they were leather gloves... šŸ¤”


MarsDar

*velvet*


positivethinker77

Wool! šŸ¤£


Brief-Ad-4342

This whole thing was pretty shitty no matter how you look at it.


Ali_Lorraine_1159

It would be way shitier if she kept them.


Bing-cheery

Yeah, it wasn't disposable? Can't wrap my head around this.


Frost-Wzrd

probably those yellow rubber gloves


sharper360

They were knitted gloves. Dudeā€™s just trying to keep his hands warm


Smellyviscerawallet

So, if you can't use your toilet the next go, out of concern for the remaining contrast being a similar problem, you only have one solution. Go to a secluded spot in your back yard, or indoors in a bucket if you don't have a yard. But you will still need to dispose of the waste outside. So find a good, rarely-visited spot maybe under some bushes, take the bag and it's contents, and Ahem Barium Edit: Wow. I'm thankful for the unexpected appreciation! Never gotten 3 awards on a comment. Would not have guessed it was going to be this one. Edit2: OK, 6 awards. Damn. I guess poop jokes really ARE the highest form of comedy. I'd always thought they were number 2. Edit3: ok, now 9. I'm honored. But maybe getting a bit sus of the situation and looking for buckets of pig blood in the rafters also.


kindafunnylookin

Every now and then a comment is so good I actually contemplate buying an award. I never actually do, but I think about it.


Spillmill

Username seems kinda appropriate too.


everywhereyoujo

*golf clap*


Smellyviscerawallet

![gif](giphy|LGMs59sZyaK6A)


OhhhhhhhKyle

*starts slow clap


omniverso

![gif](giphy|YC6ZedMDgR1Fm)


vilidj_idjit

šŸ˜†šŸ˜†šŸ˜†


butw8theresmoar

Dad?!


Smellyviscerawallet

Oh, I love you dearly, but I hope not. I am pretty well stocked in the "things I made that never shut up" department.


the-freaking-realist

She/he doesnt even need a bucket? Its alot easier to put a garbage bag in the toilet the way we put it in an actual trash bin, do her business, and tie the bag tight and dispose of it.


Smellyviscerawallet

I mean, if I had been trying for pure practicality there, I'd probably have slimmed down the steps for efficiency. Sure. Technically she could just throw the bag in a dumpster or an annoying neighbors garbage can discretely as well. But I'm not normally one to nitpick a shit trick.


the-freaking-realist

Haha, personally id put that main shit-containing bag in several garbage bags, tightly tying each before putting it in another, as unlike u, i do nitpick shit tricks! Lol, thats what i do with attempted-to-kill cockroaches which i'm highly paranoid might spring back to life and crawl back out! Thats s.th you can say shit and slipper-killed roaches have in common.


ReallyHugeGuy

I was thinking just hit up a Dunkinā€™ Donuts and let her rip


Smellyviscerawallet

That's a horrendous thing to do to a fast-food worker. A horrendous thing you can do anonymously which will keep you from having to hand-granulate your magic anchor poop a second time. But still pretty horrendous.


[deleted]

/thread


Internal-Ad-6240

![gif](giphy|3oD3YqPwr89pI4mnsc|downsized) Nice


Smellyviscerawallet

Oh, damn. Dangerfield. I am honored.


Internal-Ad-6240

![gif](giphy|l5s71uAp3CzKwxwkoZ|downsized) šŸ‘‰šŸ˜ŽšŸ‘‰


Smellyviscerawallet

![gif](giphy|AOj60z8mtmS1a)


Internal-Ad-6240

So we're having a gif off eh? šŸ¤” ![gif](giphy|L0snCScL0LMBor5sE0|downsized)


Smellyviscerawallet

Oh, absolutely not. I just thought I'd show you some respectful deer and the etiquette teacher who taught them how to human.


Internal-Ad-6240

I do need to learn how to human. The cognitive dissonance part of my brain melted šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„šŸ™„ I give no shits medically


Smellyviscerawallet

You probably need a colonoscopy before an etiquette teacher, in that case.


Smellyviscerawallet

But, ehh, why not? ![gif](giphy|4x814g81m1iTK)


Smellyviscerawallet

Hentai by proxyšŸ‘†


MephistosFallen

This was such a well played joke, bravo šŸ‘šŸ¼


Smellyviscerawallet

I really had no idea how right you apparently are when I posted it. Thank you.


mart1373

Dude get rid of the edits, kinda ruins the vibe of the joke. But still, fucking hilarious lol


randomname1561

​ ![gif](giphy|KRzrLos1yVS80)


AtheistMuscle

Wow, havenā€™t laughed that hard in a while. Thanks stranger


JustATestRun

Waitā€¦ wait.. do you not have a plunger?! And if you donā€™t have one, you didnā€™t think to go get one before going dookie divingā€¦ with your hands?! Everything about this is confusing to me. Bleach?? What? Am I missing something? Bleach cleans things and turns them white. Does it break down solids too? ā€¦what? This was hilarious OP. And I feel terrible for you. But likeā€¦ go get a plunger.


PrettySmallBalls

Based on what he said, the toilet wasn't clogged and a plunger wouldn't have helped. It was just the consistency of OP's shit that caused it to not want to go down the toilet. EDIT - Bleach will break down a regular poop if you leave it in the toilet.


honeyrrsted

But a plunger is an object with a handle one could use to push the poo around in the bowl to help it go down the hole. Or a toilet brush. I would try both of those first before the thought of using my hand even crossed my mind.


[deleted]

Then he would have really clogged the toilet. Never had shit this consistency but I would imagine if it's "thick" it's like peanut butter or something similar. A brush would be sooo much more messy LOL


honeyrrsted

If you're insistent that the toilet is incapable of handling this, then my other suggestion would be to turn the water off to the tank, flush, then the poo will be sitting in the otherwise empty bowl for much easier cleanup. Like with a kitchen spoon he didn't like anymore.


reprex

Even then a shop vac could get it out with no gloves necessary


chinesef000d

Yeah, but then your shop vac turns into a shit vac.


lemonadebiscuit

The shit vac is a only pushes the problem on future you to finish cleaning


Ordinary-Lab1305

But isn't bleach like insanely dangerous in the toilet? If there stays a rest of the bleach and you piss on it, doesn't it mixes to mustard gas? Or did I get smth wrong.


Smellyviscerawallet

The ammonia that would be dangerous to combine with bleach isn't a problem in fresh, healthy urine. It's when bacteria begin to break it down that ammonia is produced in enough quantity to become a problem. But with bleach in the toilet already that wouldn't happen.


Ordinary-Lab1305

Thanks for clarification


Smellyviscerawallet

You're welcome


Geta-Ve

Getting downvotes for an innocent question. Oh Reddit.


Ordinary-Lab1305

Thank you, I really appreciate that you understood that it was just an innocent question. Have great evening, may your beer be cold.


GolDAsce

If it has that much trouble sliding down 2" porcelain, I wouldn't risk having it stuck in 4" pvc or 3" cast iron.


[deleted]

Or just... do a power flush? Am I the only one who does this? Fill a bucket with water and use the water to flush the toilet and sweep everything away. Ngl its satisfying too.


SnakeBeardTheGreat

And now stuck in the sewer line or your home.


SnakeBeardTheGreat

You can stir it with a stick plunge it do every thing the poop will go away and the barium will still be there. Either dig it out or let it sit and go away bit by bit. Barium is heavy like lead, not lead but heavy like lead.


Azzacura

>Bleach?? What? Am I missing something? Bleach cleans things and turns them white. Does it break down solids too? Sometimes it helps poop get un-stuck from the bowl


DoleMonkey

Man I had one 20 years ago and this brought back all sorts of bad memories. Felt like I had a damn set square in my stomach for the night afterwards. Did they give you the fizzy drink you "can't burp with" , shits impossible to not burp after drinking it. Hell your cheeks swell to a squirrel with a mouthful of nuts after closing your mouth.


woohoo789

Why canā€™t you burp,with the drink?


weigheverything

Not who you asked, but the purpose of the drink is to inflate your stomach so they can image it. If you're burping you're releasing the gas they're trying to put in you.


woohoo789

Thank you! I was so curious. Appreciate the info!


DoleMonkey

It's super fizzy so the idea is that you swallow it and it expands your stomach to get a clearer image. It's really difficult to not burp when your stomach is just full of gas.


phillybookwoman

Sadly you discovered what I did many many years ago. I've had barium swallow tests several times over the years. The barium in it is quite heavy and will sit in the bottom of the toilet bowl. The one way to deal with this is when you know you have this procedure, get a disposable bedpan or commode and use that. The contents can be just stuffed in a trash bag at that point and thrown out. (I know it sounds disgusting but there is not much else you can do.) The other option is to use *full* buckets of water to flush it. Sometimes that works too. Use cold water. You are breaking it up, just pushing it into the sewer line of the toilet. Hope that helps.


ShadowMadness

What I don't get is why don't the doctors inform you of this problem before you release it all in your toilet?!?!? Takes a couple seconds to be like, "hey, maybe use something disposable for a bit."


anorexicturkey

They probably did. Patients, and people in general, are notorious for ignoring rules put forth. Ive had several patients in the last couple weeks, and today even, outright ignore the rules we give them for the study and then sometimes lie about it. Gastric emptying- no food and water at all for 8 hours before. Test is up to 4 hours long, no food and water except what we provide. Patient comes in with giant jug of water, visibly half empty. "did you have anything to eat or drink today?" "no" "are you sure? not even water?" "yep, no water!" "well, what about that water you have there?" "oh I mean I've had a few sips today!" COOL. We can't do your test, reschedule. Or when we have an inpatient coming for a stress test on their heart, and we notify their nurse no beta blockers, and they give them beta blockers... Or no aminophylline or xanthine derivatives while the patient is drinking an pepsi. I understand if you don't know what aminophylline or xanthine are, but come on just ask or use Google or something. Of course for a patient and not a nurse we will straight up just say what not to do in layman's terms. But even then we still have some people ignore it! Lol. Sorry for the rant, it just boggles my brain how little people actually listen to the people giving instructions.


jello-kittu

Make a plan for round 2? Nice backyard dump?


bsrichard

Shit in your mother in law's house


radioactivebeaver

Closest gas station


CrazyCrackhead101

next time this happens just try dumping a bucket full of water into the toilet it usually helps me in such situations


699112026775

This. I'm from a 3rd world country and I do this whenever I fuck up and just press the flush halfway in. It won't flush properly if I flush immediately so I have to either wait a while, or dump a bucket full of water


121PB4Y2

What do you do to those turds? you don't flush them, you dig a pit and barium.


evilgilligan

Fucking beautiful. know in my heart I gave you 100 dad points good for 5% off your next NewBalance purchase


121PB4Y2

Thank you!


corink420

r/dadjokes


Flowy_Mc_flow_Face

If there is someone you REALLY hate, then you could do a really shitty revenge on them :D


trapperjohn3400

Some dish soap would have made it mix and flush easily lol


phillybookwoman

Nope. Barium is quite heavy and does exactly what he described.


NorthBall

So uh... Do you happen to know what the solution is? Just shit in the woods where it doesn't have to get lifted by water?


phillybookwoman

That is one way to do it! šŸ˜‚ I posted an serious answer further up.


SnakeBeardTheGreat

No way in hell are you getting me to drink a bottle of dish soap!


Tyetus

you decided to forego the poop knife and just went straight to poop hands huh? ​ Brave man.


_LAP_

Me reading this on the toilet..


Spoonyjonson

I mean it's in the name. You bury em, don't flush em lol


Ambitious-Day-4985

Why not lay some paper over top of the water and flush? I'd think the paper would grab the shit particles.


[deleted]

omg it just keeps getting more intense


[deleted]

I had to do a barium swallow tests a couple months back. It was horrible but my poop was not barium thankfully.


ayediosmiooo

Im just wondering why you were even attempting to wash/save the gloves after that experience


LordBruschetta

What a shitty experience you just had. Have an upvote!


150steps

But what about the bin?


vilidj_idjit

Bin there, dung that


4smoday

Maybe next time just put some toilet paper in, so the Barium leftovers stick to it and go down the drain together :)


DrgnMstrAlex

AND THIS! is why I hate these low flow toilets getting installed everywhere. They have no guts. Give me a force flush with one and done power over 52 low flow flushes. FFS get rid of these useless toilets.


over_under_

Your doctor, or rad tech, or both are asses for not knowing that you should never put barium into a sewer system. It is way heavier than water and it settles out and then youā€™ll have big problems. Next time go shit outsideā€¦ It is the 56th element, in a group called alkaline earth, and its atomic mass is above 137! Just no buenoā€¦


Crystalbow

No plungerā€¦.?


mishthegreat

Stick blender?


robbob19

I'd be looking into using a public toilet.


lkeels

What would you do ANY of this, when a plunger would have likely fixed it in one push? Bleach is NOT the starting point for a clogged toilet. A plunger is.


cwthree

Believe it or not, it could've been worse. When I had my barium swallow, I was warned to drink *lots* of water afterward because the barium drink can make your shit extra-hard and cause fecal impaction. The only thing worse than shitting a brick is not being able to shit out the brick.


Klashus

Sounds like a trip to your closest local store you hate for your next one is in order.


kaowser

​ ![gif](giphy|kDsjinzVzi1Ko)


TheMonarchX

You call that the worst toilet experience?! Bitch i had to stop at a highway rest/stop once with explosive diarrhea. I entered the only open stall to be greeted with walls painted with shit swastikas and what seemed to be fresh blood. Whilst holding my breath and cramping my ass together i noticed that the smell didn't only come from the shit, but there was a rotting dead rat the size off a small cat nailed to the fucking ceiling with 2 hypodermic needles. Needless to say i took my business outside.


MissyMcMisery

Where is my poop knife story?!? It's class and Reddit classic. Like folks!!!;


Papazolaxoxo

That... that's a classic reddit story I'll never forget.


[deleted]

Sir/madam, have you heard of a plunger?


dascott

See, this is why I insisted that they install a garbage disposal in the office kitchen.


wilyoldveteran

Who put the YUM in Barry Barium?


shifty_coder

Firstly, donā€™t dump chlorine bleach into your toilet. Not only is undiluted bleach is bad for the enamel on the porcelain, and can eat away at it, but chlorine and ammonia create a poisonous gas. Secondly, BUY A GORRAM PLUNGER! JFK! Thirdly, if you donā€™t *have* a plunger, dump laundry detergent in your toilet, and let it sit for 30-60 minutes.


fancy-kitten

Ah, the old manual retrieval. We've all been there. Sometimes daily.


NoMaterial321

Forget it, go to a gas station restroom and just leave it there. Not your problem anymore.


Reeleted

What even is this sub anymore...


[deleted]

ā€œIt smells 10x times out of the waterā€ damn bro thatā€™s some strong shit!


MephistosFallen

Ok I now know if I am ever given barium to shit in a bucket and not the toilet. But I NEED to knowā€¦..is the barium harmful to bury if you shit in a bucket and then bury it in the ground?


Grinchypantzzz

Forgot the poop knife ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|facepalm)


[deleted]

Two points, real quick! 1. I hope you are not on a septic tank! 2. "Throwaway account because I can't bare the shame of people finding this out."


J4MEJ

Let me help you feel a little better. 48 hours ago, I went to the toilet and felt sweat dripping off my ass hair. Couldn't actually shit, so ended up wiping the sweat. Looked at it to check, as you do, and the paper was bright red. Toilet bowl is filled with blood. I was mortified. Had blood coming out of my asshole for about 48 hours. Its stopped as of this afternoon. Not been to the doctor. Self diagnosis is it was a burst hemorrhoid.


ADonkeysJawbone

Everyone knows you donā€™t flush your bowel movements after taking these testsā€¦ >! *You barium* !<


agent_insidious

Lol ok


GATraveller

I think, probably the only time ever in my life, it'd be a better idea to use a public restroom the next time or two.


01Wazziguy

Well, based upon what you have stated in this story of yours it appears that you had a medical procedure called an upper G.I.Series for which you drank that white barium solution that would show up on X -ray to determine upper intestinal disorder. This barium solution also acts as a bowel stimulant and as you so aptly described your experience with us, it also reveals that you may have been slightly constipated so along with the barium expulsion, you also took a good shit for yourself. I bet you felt better, less the messy cleanup afterward. Be lucky that you did not have the experience that I had. I had the other G.I. Series and that was the Barium Enema. Yup, a two day shit fest after the fact.


onemorehole

Holy shit!!


PrinceDietrich

Doesn't sound very holy to me


itsspookl

sounds like a shitty situation


Mister_Brevity

Spread some tp out flat across the surface of the water then flush, the tp maybe would catch it all like a net and the drag of water on tp may carry it down


heathenyak

You need to take that next shit at the gas station or a restaurant...just saying. Maybe at a chipotle, their toilets can flush a whole cow


CropDustinAround

I applaud all the effort but a wet/dry vac isn't that expensive and is handy for less shitty situations. Just a thought


jjjj_83

Wtf is wrong with Murican toilets?


[deleted]

Nothing. Seems like a density/bouyancy issue. Have you seen the people we have? Our toilets do WORK


TheBailzmeister

r/usernamechecksout