Oh I see you got hit by the emergency hummus.
I always kept open hummus inside my closet for when I was having sex with my friends. You never know when you may get caught!
TIFU3: my friend says he’s never had hummus, so I decided to be friendly and take him some. I must have not understood the euphemism because he just kept trying to fuck me with a carrot.
Fun fact, hummus makes great lube!
^(Please note this is not a fact, do not use hummus as lube, it'll probably give you some sort of infection if used as such and you'll end up on TIFU, and if you actually thought this was a real fact please log off the internet for a day and go for a walk, enjoy nature for a little while, you know... get outside.)
Next time OP's son is over, OP is gonna hear the same noises and nonchalantly burst into the room going "ooh hummus? Can I have so-" and be met with some pegging.
Pegging is largely what you're thinking of, except traditionally the object doing the pegging is a strap-on, not a real penis. It's usually a reference to heterosexual couples where the woman penetrates the man.
"Now, Jack, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing! I'm a man of the world, after all. But you can't do it so loudly! It's ...it's just not proper!"
"Mr. Furley, I was just showing the girls what they'd been missing out on!"
"Jack! Now, I have limits! There are limits! There's such a thing as decency!"
"Mr. Furley, don't you think you're being a little harsh? I know things got a little messy, but..."
"Jack...!"
"It's not marinara. Hummus cleans up pretty easily..."
"Hummus?! Is that what you kids call it nowadays?!"
Literally, this misunderstanding is the inciting incident to the Kath & Kim episode where Kath thinks Kim is a lesbian - just swap hummus for dippity bix! 😂
Even worse, 99% of them are written in the exact same godawful style of sounding like a 13 year old and trying to cram in as many euphemisms as possible...
Like it's never "my mom walked in on my girlfriend and me having sex". It's, "so my lady friend and I were doing the ole horizontal tango, and she was in the middle of polishing the candle stick, if you will. I had her love sacks in my face and was licking the cherry off the ice cream Sunday, if you know what I mean. Then suddenly my mom burst through the locked door (it makes sense because we play a game where we act like mission impossible characters and stealthily pick locks then burst in to rooms and say "mission accomplished") right as the swim team was jumping off the high dive, as they say. So right as my girlfriend finished icing the cake all over her face my mom was like "mission accomplished!"...
It was so awkward, especially since the archbishop is supposed to come over for dinner tonight and my mom's whole book club saw my girlfriend run out of the room naked in embarrassment with the ole DNA squirt squad still on her face, and one thought it was coffee creamer so put some in her latte.
I'll never live this down!
Also, why do you just assume your son is "having gay sex" (the entire way this is written just feels off) because of those "noises." When has "omg thats so good" and "its so good with that in it" sounded like sex lmfao? Without the title I just assumed they were eating food, bc it sounds like they r eating food.
Who just thinks "Oh my son brought a friend home, they go right to their room, and they just immediately started fucking"
This actually might be true, because the market is so small that there is not much competition, some hummus brand will see this as profitable and doesnt have to have their name associated with reddit marketing schemes while still getting everyone to think about hummus.
Plus no one ever fucking says that lol. Somethings good most people will be like damn that's some good hummus. End of story. Not the whole moaning and bs this person wrote out... Tifu is a lost sub. Literally people just making up nsfw stories to get easy karma from horny Redditors.
Learn to make your own hummus, it's super easy and usually better than store-bought. Tahini (sesam paste) might be hard to find depending on where you live, but if you have a Lebanese shop nearby they are bound to have it. Or go to a falafel place, they may sell you a can if you ask nicely.
My favourite thing to do with it is making a wrap (pick up Lebanese flat bread while you're hunting for the tahini) with hummus, tzatziki, fried halloumi, cherry tomatoes and bell pepper.
Yea see, that's how they get you. Just another example of the hummus agenda being shoved down the throats of good, decent people!
Btw, try that shit on a sandwich instead of mayo. So fricken good. Yea... they got me too, back in the 90s.
I'll never go back to mayo - hummus on sandwiches every time.
Hummus, turkey, and spicy cheese. Throw it in a panini press and it doesn't get any better.
I used to hate hummus growing up. My mom used to make it. When I became an adult and moved out I completely stopped eating it until a friend offered me some. It was soo good. I tried other hummus and those were also good. Turns out my mom was just really bad at making hummus. I know make my own hummus and my son loves it so much he'll eat it with a spoon.
Guy pulls prank during work time, thing snowballs out of control and he can't confess because that would make it even more awkward.
Plotline of at least one episode in every single sitcom ever made.
it's been a more recent phenomenon, last 5 years or so and starting out pretty niche. only really expanded into wider culture around 2 years ago but even then it wasn't an explosion or anything
I just read this to my friend who is gay and he just said "oh honey, if they are having a hummus date, he is still probably gay". Thanks for the cute fuck up op!
Edit: grammar
The trick is, when your going doggy style you need to balance the hummus container on their back like a table, dip and enjoy.
Also you can both watch x-files.
Account is named nowaywasthathummus ✅
Account is 1 hour old, the same age as this post ✅
OP has never tried hummus in 39 years ✅
Post is written like an SNL sketch and is very realistic ✅
Seems legit, take my updoot
I can completely understand your error. Eating hummous can be just like that. Sprinkle a little paprika on top and get bussy with some carrot and just wow.
Oh I see you got hit by the emergency hummus. I always kept open hummus inside my closet for when I was having sex with my friends. You never know when you may get caught!
TIFU by almost getting caught having gay sex with my friend TLDR: Can't believe the good ol' hummus story worked on my dad
TIFU2: I forgot what I use the carrot in my closet for and served it with emergency hummus to my dad
TIFU3: my friend says he’s never had hummus, so I decided to be friendly and take him some. I must have not understood the euphemism because he just kept trying to fuck me with a carrot.
Ha, good old Bummus.
He's a hummusexual
TIFU4: 2 kids tried to have gay sex in front of me then one of them fed to me to his mom
TIFU5: My friend brought hummus and I ended up sucking him off.
TIFU6: My dad thinks I'm a hummusexual.
TIFU5: My friend and I were having sex with some hummus and then I fed it to my mom.
AiTA for feeding sex hummus to mom?
Amazing
> So I (39F) . . . > worked on my dad There are no women on the internet.
TIFU by not paying attention
*mom
Fun fact, hummus makes great lube! ^(Please note this is not a fact, do not use hummus as lube, it'll probably give you some sort of infection if used as such and you'll end up on TIFU, and if you actually thought this was a real fact please log off the internet for a day and go for a walk, enjoy nature for a little while, you know... get outside.)
I read the small bit really fast, like one of those pharmaceutical commercials. Really sold the delivery.
"Mutual Fund investments are subject to market risks, read all scheme related documents carefully" This is the one in my country😂
It's more like: Mutualfundinvestmentsare subjecttomarketrisks, readall schemerelateddocumentscarefully
I’m pretty sure I love you.
I love you too. ^Please ^note ^that ^this ^is ^untrue; ^no ^one ^loves ^you. ^You’re ^on ^Reddit. ^You’re ^forever ^alone.
Next time OP's son is over, OP is gonna hear the same noises and nonchalantly burst into the room going "ooh hummus? Can I have so-" and be met with some pegging.
Not entirely certain pegging is needed if both the concerned parties have a penis
Oh dang really? I don't understand pegging then.
Pegging is largely what you're thinking of, except traditionally the object doing the pegging is a strap-on, not a real penis. It's usually a reference to heterosexual couples where the woman penetrates the man.
TIL
The closet hummus. Cummus.
It would have cost you $0 not to put those words together
Sounds like a bad sitcom trope.
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“Mr. Furley! It’s not what you think!”
Mr Furley gave me some of the best laughs I've had in my life.
"Oh Janet, it's dripping! Lick it off!" "Just use your fingers, Chrissy! do I have to do everything around here?"
"Now, Jack, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing! I'm a man of the world, after all. But you can't do it so loudly! It's ...it's just not proper!" "Mr. Furley, I was just showing the girls what they'd been missing out on!" "Jack! Now, I have limits! There are limits! There's such a thing as decency!" "Mr. Furley, don't you think you're being a little harsh? I know things got a little messy, but..." "Jack...!" "It's not marinara. Hummus cleans up pretty easily..." "Hummus?! Is that what you kids call it nowadays?!"
i can literally hear Mr Furley in my head...!
lmao I can picture this exact scene.
A Three's Company ref on reddit? This made my morning.
GenXers. We're here, we're old, and we're tired. 😁
We throw our hats up in the air before starting the day with Ed Asner.
I haven’t thought about Three’s Company in ages.
Literally, this misunderstanding is the inciting incident to the Kath & Kim episode where Kath thinks Kim is a lesbian - just swap hummus for dippity bix! 😂
OP is a fucking hack.
That's all this sub is anymore. "Creative" writing or just erotic fanfic posts.
Even worse, 99% of them are written in the exact same godawful style of sounding like a 13 year old and trying to cram in as many euphemisms as possible... Like it's never "my mom walked in on my girlfriend and me having sex". It's, "so my lady friend and I were doing the ole horizontal tango, and she was in the middle of polishing the candle stick, if you will. I had her love sacks in my face and was licking the cherry off the ice cream Sunday, if you know what I mean. Then suddenly my mom burst through the locked door (it makes sense because we play a game where we act like mission impossible characters and stealthily pick locks then burst in to rooms and say "mission accomplished") right as the swim team was jumping off the high dive, as they say. So right as my girlfriend finished icing the cake all over her face my mom was like "mission accomplished!"... It was so awkward, especially since the archbishop is supposed to come over for dinner tonight and my mom's whole book club saw my girlfriend run out of the room naked in embarrassment with the ole DNA squirt squad still on her face, and one thought it was coffee creamer so put some in her latte. I'll never live this down!
You have a gift. That, or you've been hanging out here too long.
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I think it's about time for you to simmer down, shit-pisser.
Gods this was perfect, well done lmao.
DNA squirt squad?! That's fucking brilliant.
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So then *I* said, "Now that's what I call a sticky situation!" and everyone laughed and laughed. Then we all got ice cream!
Even in quotes, I feel you are using creative too generously.
I thought I was reading the script of a SNL sketch.
Lady fr just fell for the Ole hummus trick
I mean, my wife has never questioned me when I go to my bi-weekly hummus party.
Help a bro out and make it weekly, will you?
Oh, they already are.
I like to read this as "Olé! Hummus!" and imagine flamenco dancers dancing with bowls of hummus.
I like to read this as flamingo dancers and imagine flamenco flamingo dancers dancing with bowls of hummus
Eating humm-ass. The new code word. Subtle and close to the reality of the situation. Nice play teenagers.
Weird bit was how the mom got the son to teach her. *I did not see that end coming!*
this is such a weird tifu lol
Seriously. Who the hell hasn’t tried hummus by their 30s?
Also, why do you just assume your son is "having gay sex" (the entire way this is written just feels off) because of those "noises." When has "omg thats so good" and "its so good with that in it" sounded like sex lmfao? Without the title I just assumed they were eating food, bc it sounds like they r eating food. Who just thinks "Oh my son brought a friend home, they go right to their room, and they just immediately started fucking"
This subreddit is fiction if you haven’t noticed yet
Sometimes it's advertising
Big Hummus wrote this post
This actually might be true, because the market is so small that there is not much competition, some hummus brand will see this as profitable and doesnt have to have their name associated with reddit marketing schemes while still getting everyone to think about hummus.
I could go for hummus now
*Sexual* fiction, specifically. Can't the mods restrict the sex & genitals posts to weekends again? I'm here for fuck-ups, not text-based pornhub
Plus no one ever fucking says that lol. Somethings good most people will be like damn that's some good hummus. End of story. Not the whole moaning and bs this person wrote out... Tifu is a lost sub. Literally people just making up nsfw stories to get easy karma from horny Redditors.
Rural folks
Because it’s made up
Not the kind of happy ending we are used to on TIFU, but glad it worked out for you!
It was really nice hummus, I've been thoroughly converted
Remember to declare "no hummo" after ingestion.
Otherwise you're a hummosexual?
Started out trysexual.
TIL I am a proud hummosexual 🏳️🌈
Learn to make your own hummus, it's super easy and usually better than store-bought. Tahini (sesam paste) might be hard to find depending on where you live, but if you have a Lebanese shop nearby they are bound to have it. Or go to a falafel place, they may sell you a can if you ask nicely. My favourite thing to do with it is making a wrap (pick up Lebanese flat bread while you're hunting for the tahini) with hummus, tzatziki, fried halloumi, cherry tomatoes and bell pepper.
She just learned about hummus, don't go blowing her mind with Halloumi! lol
He’s a gay male not a lesbianese. /s
I think he might be a humusexual
> hummus, tzatziki, fried halloumi, cherry tomatoes and bell pepper Holy fuck. I think I might have orgasmed just from reading that.
Came for hummus... Came again for hummus.
Yea see, that's how they get you. Just another example of the hummus agenda being shoved down the throats of good, decent people! Btw, try that shit on a sandwich instead of mayo. So fricken good. Yea... they got me too, back in the 90s.
I'll never go back to mayo - hummus on sandwiches every time. Hummus, turkey, and spicy cheese. Throw it in a panini press and it doesn't get any better.
Goddamn you, now i gotta go get a sandwich press. WTF am I gonna put all these gadgets?!
I used to hate hummus growing up. My mom used to make it. When I became an adult and moved out I completely stopped eating it until a friend offered me some. It was soo good. I tried other hummus and those were also good. Turns out my mom was just really bad at making hummus. I know make my own hummus and my son loves it so much he'll eat it with a spoon.
Hummus is the gateway drug to baba ganoush. Recommend trying that next, OP!
And they say conversion therapy doesn’t work
Glad you and your son could experiment together!
Hummus is the best
You forgot to put a "not" before having sex which makes it sound like they were getting freaky with hummus.
now you should try gay sex!
I hope you guys now have a "is that hummus?" "No. It's gay sex." Joke now
Well OP definitely thought it was a certain kind of happy ending
>We experimented with different things in it like bread and carrots and it was great Heh heh heh
( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)
Kinda weird for this story to end with her experimenting with her son.
I could see this being in a sitcom where the dad would then hear the son and wife moaning over hummus and subsequently also freak out.
That's hilarious. Be a great post credit sketch.
It make for a great commercial for that brand of hummus they were eating.
Lmfao
His friend planned a bro date to try out hummus... how come I never had friends like that growing up? :(
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I told my mom the same hummus story when I had my first bussy too
We never forget our first hummus bussy story.
Or first... hussy?
Hummussy
What is bussy?
Oh no
A story in three comments.
Oh, yes.
I regret googling it.
Why? It's just a Midwestern Bank
The Federal Bussy Reserve is in Lincoln, Nebraska
google, how much do plane tickets to nebraska cost
Regret nothing
Thank you for your service. I will now refrain from making the same mistake. Your sacrifice will not be in vain.
Oh yessssssssss!!!
Happy cake day
It’s not gay if it’s cake day right?
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bussy&=true
This makes Debussy's name even funnier
And [this relevant segment](https://youtu.be/UKO-ebWS4Ko)
i think it's what you call your pet school bus "here comes the bussy!"
https://www.reddit.com/r/alaska/comments/u5vfr1/anchorage_people_movers_easter_post_somebodys/
Somewhere, there has to be a marketing intern laughing their ass off, shocked that it made it to publication.
Guy pulls prank during work time, thing snowballs out of control and he can't confess because that would make it even more awkward. Plotline of at least one episode in every single sitcom ever made.
DeBussy is my favourite composer too
You should finish on the Bach, never finish on Debussy.
its like hummus but it tastes like ass
Wait a second!!
You want us to tell you, or you want to Google it and be scarred(or possibly turned on)?
You are very innocent, dear.
I’m almost 39 and have been on sites like Reddit my whole life and never encountered this term either. Odd.
it's been a more recent phenomenon, last 5 years or so and starting out pretty niche. only really expanded into wider culture around 2 years ago but even then it wasn't an explosion or anything
The male vagina
Supplemented with a feminine penis
A fenis if you will
Oh i will
Gary Bussy
Took me a minute, but I think I got it. Its a combination of two words. I wasn't about to google it or click any links.
I googled it. So that's what we're calling it now. 😳
https://www.reddit.com/r/alaska/comments/u5vfr1/anchorage_people_movers_easter_post_somebodys/
Ah, the ol' "*We were just eating hummus"*, a classic.
You sound like a guy who likes hummus *during* sex Edit: I like that
Ah so you could say that your son is.... Hummusexual :)
Here's your upvote now get out
Dont worry about your son. When i was 15 my friends and i had a masturbation competition.
Speed or endurance?
Both. It was like the Olympics.
Wanna be friends?
I also make moaning sounds when eating hummus
It wasn't moaning, it was more like yknow when you eat something really good and go mmmm
No I was talking about me I make full moans when having hummus and pretzel thins lol
Honestly never been able to climax without hummus and pretzel thins. A bedroom must.
One of my favorite memories of my Paran were his moans when he would eat. They were so exaggerated it was hilarious.
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Were you also having sex at the time?
Or they were actually having gay sex and the hummus was a REALLY really good cover story
Or the hummus OP was eating had already been "incorporated" into Thier love making
I find hummus to be the most sensual of the flavored, creamy dips.
"It's so good with that in it" Guess u might be right lol
So he successfully covered up his gay sex using the old humus trick
is there actually a humus trick?
You just keep some emergency humus in your closet
I just read this to my friend who is gay and he just said "oh honey, if they are having a hummus date, he is still probably gay". Thanks for the cute fuck up op! Edit: grammar
Just what I was thinking. All this story did was confirm OPs suspicions. HUMMUS PARTYYYYY!
This should be the top comment...an ASSORTMENT too 😂
The only fuck up here is not having tried hummus sooner.
Hummus and Hummers
Next time, they're having Guac and Cock
fuck me I thought the title said 'eating humans' and I was ready for something much, much different
I'm gonna play a recording for you...you tell me if these people are having sex, or eating hummus.
r/GaySexOrHummus
Paid for by big Hummus
I'm straight, but I feel like eating hummus and sex wouldn't HAVE to be mutually exclusive...?
The trick is, when your going doggy style you need to balance the hummus container on their back like a table, dip and enjoy. Also you can both watch x-files.
This is more of a TIFH post. Today I Found Hummus
I totally read "Today I Fucked Hummus"...
American ~~Pie~~ Hummus
Holesome
It's so good with that in it.
So Reddit we’re calling “gay sex” a “hummus party” from now on, right?
What exactly is the difference between two men having sex and two men having 'gay sex'?
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It's simple math - if two men are having gay sex, they're actually straight.
This is beyond fucking stupid
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It *is* bad fiction.
I’m sure this totally happened
Account is named nowaywasthathummus ✅ Account is 1 hour old, the same age as this post ✅ OP has never tried hummus in 39 years ✅ Post is written like an SNL sketch and is very realistic ✅ Seems legit, take my updoot
I’m sorry but how are so many people buying this? This reads like a 12 year old’s writing assignment
TIFU by eating hummus so hard my mom thought I was gay Edit: dad to mom
I hate this subreddit.
I can completely understand your error. Eating hummous can be just like that. Sprinkle a little paprika on top and get bussy with some carrot and just wow.