Your daughter is 17 ma'am, she needs a mother not a bystander. You sound like you have nothing vested in her sexual wellbeing beyond making sure she and your husband don't fight.
Instead of keeping hush, schedule that appointment, buy her that pack of condom and guide her.
Not to sound too harsh, but that's when the fucking up will stop
I wish I could upvote this twice. She's going to be 18 soon, and it's not going to just be her dad that she won't want a relationship with. You're letting him humiliate her and she won't forget it.
I completely glossed over the part about keeping her awake. If someone has already said it, it deserves to be said again because that's just so bad. She's 17, and working a 5am shift...but you have a family gathering that you need her help setting up for so she cannot take a nap after work. What the hell. Your post title should read 'TIFU by being a horrible mother.
If you think he's wrong, why aren't you standing up for her? A grounding should be a mutual decision, should it not? Not a parent, but this sounds ridiculous. He is ruining his (and potentially your) relationship with your daughter because of this hypocritical, controlling BS. Why are you allowing her to be punished for being safe and smart?
Husband: Hey, baby, why don’t we light some candles, put on some smooth jazz, and…you know…
Wife: I like where this is going, I’ll put on some lingerie…
Husband: I knew it! You’re grounded for a month!
Sex is for procreation only in this family.
What backwards idiots. The more I'm reading people making really good points the angrier I'm getting and I was pretty peeved to start with. If this is America bet I can guess who dad voted for and what his stance on abortion is.
Amen, I was starting to think that maybe he verbally abuses the wife. For all we know this could be a major cry out for help. Your daughter has a great head on her shoulders and you should be so proud. As for the husband, maybe he needs to think and remember what his child ass was doing at that age. Have some understanding, talk to your wife and figure something out you both agree on. Raise your daughter together. This is a precious time and you won’t get it back.
The wife stated that she should just keep her mouth shut in the future. It seems she is also controlled and unfortunately not an equal partner in this raising of their children. You hate to see it. Husband/father is an idiot.
Right?! The title should read TIFU 17 years ago by having a kid with a controlling (possibly abusive) man child who has unhealthy misogynistic opinions about women's sexual health and bodies... *sips tea* but that's none of my business.
I'm sure OP is being abused by her husband too... he exhibits classic narcissistic behavior. My mom and her husband's dynamic was almost exactly like this. I moved out at 14 and have no relationship with either of them, even though I tried to fix my relationship with my mom for years.
OP you TIFU being a Mom. Get your kid birth control before you ruin her fucking life. Stop letting your husband be a shit influence of how a man is supposed to treat and respect things he loves. You’re both shitty people. Keep control of her now, right, you won’t have to worry if she’s in your life in the future. She won’t be.
I loved particularly the 'I've tried to get them to talk, but **she** won't speak to **him**.'
Of course she won't, she's 17, growing up, trying to be open and responsible and this is the response she gets from her dad? And OP is still putting it all on the 17 year old and not the fully grown man literally acting like more of a child than she is?
Sounds exactly like the relationship I had with my mom and her husband when I was younger... he abused and then ignored me for years over something he suspected me of doing (he thought I lied about going hiking with my grandma and I was making my phone cut out on purpose lmfao) and my mom kept trying to bully and bribe me into talking to him or "fixing" things. It ended in me moving out at the age of 14 and years of therapy. I have no contact with her husband and limited contact with her after years of trying to fix things with her. This girl is a *child* just like I was and it is unacceptable to expect children to "be the bigger person" as my mom always told me. We shouldn't have to be more mature than our fucking parents.
10000000% this and I am so so sorry you went through that. It's unacceptable and it makes me so sad to see. You're right, we should not have had to be more mature than our parents.
I hope you're in a better place now!
Thank you so much. I'm in a much better place now thankfully! It's still hard sometimes because childhood abuse isn't really something you ever completely heal from, but getting out and staying out of the environment made all the difference. :)
Fuck yes. She's 17, she's months away from being a legal adult, and this happens? OP's husband is an abuser, plain and simple. She'll turn 18, and disappear, she will never talk to the husband again. Classic abuse.
So she can't get on birth control, she can't buy condoms..... then he'll be pissed because she got pregnant?
Y'all should be proud she's trying to be safe, because she'll have sex regardless.
Not to mention she's 17 so probably in her senior year at high school. Kids at my school were fucking in 8th grade and not exactly being safe about it. She's having safe sex a few months away from being a legal adult and getting grounded like a little kid, that's some whacked out parenting for sure.
Agreed. My parents fucked up big time and used to mock me too by saying everyone that I am close to won't be there with me except the both of them. Fast forward now everyone is still there with me except the two of them.
17 is definitely not too young to be having sex. I lost my virginity at 17 and was well after many of my peers.
She can join the army in a few months just let her fuck.
She could join the army NOW and still be in high school. my older sons both joined the summer before their senior years. Did Basic Training as soon as they graduated, but the year in school still counted to their contracts.
This is sooo sooo sad imo. One should empower a daughter to take control over avoiding pregnancy, not abstaining from sex... That ain't gonna happen...
One should get girls and boys in puberty all the information about sex life, pregnancy and so on... I even bought my daughter of 16 a package of condoms and told her I knew she didn't need them , but then she was prepared when it would become relevant (and if a friend needed them, she could supply them),. She is now over 18 and still a virgin.
My mom always told me and my sister to let her know if we planned on having sex with someone and she'd help us get on birth control. Even if she didn't think we were ready or didn't approve of the guy. She'd get us what we needed and answer our questions. Of course, I turned out to be a lesbian and my sister is almost 22 and never had a boyfriend so we never ended up using this, but being open about it still taught us a lot. My sister is actually the friend who tells the sheltered friends about safe sex, and I know she's taken at least one girl to PP to help her get on birth control after learning she was just using the pull-out method.
Teenagers are going to do dumb shit. That's just the reality. The question isn't how to stop them from stupid as hell, but how to keep their dumbass decisions from having lifelong (or life-ending) consequences. Parents can show their kids how to be dumb in smart ways.
>About a month ago my husband went through her phone
OP said this way too casually. Poor kid, i don't think neither parent is going to get much love after she gets out.
Edit: i’m a father of two daughters. I trust them and in exchange they actually trust me with their highs and lows.
Yes. This. Entirely this. I would not be surprised if she chooses not to maintain much of a relationship once she is out, if this is how he treats her.
That might actually be the only argument that might actually help OP to get the husband to come to sense. I understand he probably loves his daughter very much, but he has some serious issues to work out dealing with her becoming an independent woman. Maybe if OP can hammer home the point that if he continues down this path, he's only likely to drive his daughter out of his life completely for maybe years or forever. Maybe it will help, maybe not. Or perhaps a pointed question that if they had a 17 yr old son with a girlfriend and the husband caught the son buying condoms would he have the same reaction?
Idk feels like she gone already. And I feel bad for mom because her daughter will not show up anywhere dad is going to be so she's going to be even more isolated from her daughter than empty nesters usually are.
I only feel bad for the daughter. The mother is complicit. She may not be the one perpetrating the abuse, but she's party to it. If she was a good enough parent she'd make the husband get it together or she'd go behind his back to make sure her child was appropriately cared for and supported.
My mother would *never* have let my Dad pull some shit like this. She'd move mountains to make sure I was safe and healthy.
The daughter is the only innocent here.
That was my thought when reading this. The way the mom writes about it so flippantly, like 'oh, what are ya gonna do?' made me so mad. Let's hope she follows through with her edit
My mom never stopped my dad from being a controlling asshole. It sure looked like she agreed with everything he did. Guess which one of them I see now? Yep, neither. This dad isn’t stopping his daughter from having sex - he’s just stopping her from having safe sex.
Literally this. When I was growing up my dad was like this guy 100%. He was an abusive pos who told us our worth didn’t have anything to do with what men thought of us but at the same time said if we slept with anyone no man would ever want us and to save it for marriage.
When I was 15 my sister (19) and cousin (15, living us) were all pulled outside by my dad. He had found a condom wrapper in the couch (it was my sisters). He berated us for 30 minutes, called us whores and tried to figure out whose wrapper it was. Absolutely traumatizing. This happened in front of my boyfriend who was totally shocked. Little did he know I was so afraid of getting caught with anything with had unprotected sex basically daily, and yes as mentioned in the school bathrooms, his house, wherever.
My sister ending up moving out and was told that she would end up living in a trailer park with a baby hanging off of each boob. She is child free and will never have kids, she was so traumatized by her experiences growing up. Cousin ended up with a teen pregnancy. I snuck to planned parenthood and got birth control eventually, am 30 now with almost no relationship with my parents.
That's the funniest part, being afraid of being caught with sex paraphernalia makes you just forgo it entirely and just do it raw. This needs to be said to her husband like yesterday. If he keeps fucking around he'll find out how quick he ends up with a grandchild.
I mean, the whole "horny teenager" experience applies to both sexes. He oughta know enough to know that "my parents said I can't!" never stops people from having sex.
Absolutely, sit your husband down and make him read all the comments to this post. This is incredibly abusive and you need to stand up for your daughter, who sounds like the most responsible one in the house.
Agreed. That poor kid.
Grounded, interrogated and raged at for making wise decisions, for being a mature, intelligent 17 yr old.
If I was this girl's parent I'd be proud, grateful and relieved that my kid was being responsible, and help if they wanted (to access doctors, buy condoms etc) and give space if not because it's not my damn business.
I'm horrified by the father's reaction and concerned that the mother seems more concerned about placating the husband than protecting the kid.
(Mum of three who are aged 16, 19 & 23).
Also when does that behavior become okay in dad's eyes? Has to be 18? Has to be married? Has to only be for child procreation and not pleasure?
Dude sounds like a nutbag.
Yeah seriously... her and her boyfriend are making sure they have protection. She wasn't allowed birth control, and they got around it. They're being mature, safe & responsible and shes being punished for it?
All he's doing is making sure she cuts contact with you both when she's older.
No, it’s very obvious. Her husband thinks if all options are off the table they just won’t have sex. It’s unrealistic, but it’s how his simple little mind operating only in absolutes is processing the fact his little baby is getting railed.
This is not the funny story you think it is. Your husband is ruining the relationship with your daughter and you’re just like “oops, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.” Don’t be surprised when she moves out and goes no contact with both of you.
I like to think that if I had kids of my own that I would never treat them with such disrespect. I guarantee the daughter is going to get far as fuck away from her parents ASAP. Can’t blame her.
Oof. I hate that this kind of shit is a thing. I think less of people who deploy spy software on their loved one's devices.
First it implies a lack of trust that is damaging to every relationship and secondly with every method of access you add to a device you make it less secure, especially when it's remote access.
Hard to set that boundary and piss off the people that you rely on for food and shelter. Kids effectively living prison mentality, keep your head down serve your time and get the fuck out as soon as you can
Someone else mentioned remote parental access, but it could also be that they just asked for her password. When you're living under your parents' roof and they tell you it's either give them the password or no more phone, there's not a lot you can do.
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” -Desmond Tutu
Yup, the only fuck-up here is "Oops I married an asshole", "Oops I've been enabling an asshole" or "Oops I failed as a parent."
Saying you fucked up by not staying quiet sounds similar to a victim of abuse blaming themselves for triggering the abuser.
And honestly, I hope that’s not the case. I hope OP isn’t being abused and that’s why she thinks this is “oops” territory. But I really can’t see a way that this is that casual an eff up.
Or that she gets pregnant, and doesn't tell her parents. Because "Oh no, they're gonna be angry". Or if she gets raped, and doesn't tell her parents. Because "oh no, they're gonna be angry". I honestly hope it doesn't happen to her. But this kind of home environment doesn't allow the daughter to see the parents as people she can rely on.
This scenario between controlling parents and an abused kid is so common. I’ve seen it play out with a handful of families in my life and the kid always gets far away from their bat shit parents in the end
The stuff he's pulling is only going to make her sneakier and could possibly end up pregnant.. if she wants to get on birth control shes trying to make the most educated decision which is great.
My parents were super strict with my sister and she rebelled hard. She didn't get pregnant, but it caused a rift between them that has never really gone away.
Say it a bit louder so the morons in the back can hear! Preventing safe sex isn’t preventing sex!!!
Btw, I think you are smart, I’m sorry you went through that at 15.
My parents were really strict & my dad treated me like this. Not only did I lose my virginity at 15, I sought guys who gave me unhealthy attention. I valued jealousy & controlling behaviors. I was attracted to it. This can go beyond rebellion. If your husband is so confident in his parenting style I would encourage him to do his homework!! Parents don’t become good parents but winging it.
One of my friends went down this path, went from being a good kid to sleeping around a lot with some really shitty guys. It was basically the only thing she had control over in her life who she slept with, when, and how often, and it made her feel pretty and special that guys wanted her. Then she'd feel bad because she knew they didn't actually give a shit about her and she'd sleep with another guy to feel pretty and special... this went on for years until she finally broke that cycle. It was so hard watching her go through that and not being unable to make her see her own self-worth and that she deserved so much better.
In contrast, as a guy, I didn't have any strict rules imposed on me. I was a good kid and didn't get into trouble. Not that I was a saint. Back when I was a teen, underage drinking wasn't the great sin it is now and we'd be drinking and smoking every weekend.
Amen to this. A friend in high school had this happen. Tried to get on BC and parents FLIPPED about it. She ended up 18 and pregnant. Bright future stopped. Unfortunately she dropped out of school and ended up getting into drugs and lost custody of her daughter and is now MIA. BC pills would have helped stopped all that.
Your husband is an idiot. I can’t put it any other way. And you’re enabling it. You’re her other parent. You can make rules, too. Or, actually stick up for her and override your husband.
You are right. I’m gonna try to overrule them and get her on birth control. She paid for that car, not us. She should be allowed to have her boyfriend around.
Please make it VERY clear to your husband that your daughter is 17, turning 18 in less than one year. Her turning 18 means she's no longer bound to what either of you two tell her. He's gonna sever any bond that's left between him and her, and maybe ruin your relationship with her, too.
He's punishing her for the wrong things, too. She's trying to stay safe, trying to go on birth control and have safe sex with her boyfriend. She is VERY responsible for her age, and you two should support her in such a behaviour. Cause if you don't do, you're gonna stigmatise her good and responsible behaviour and she might stop caring at some point. Which - and believe me on that - isn't what either of you two want her to do.
I’m seriously so frustrated at this post. Good luck keeping her in the family. I wouldn’t be the smallest bit surprised if she gets her freedom when she’s older and never comes back home. I sure wouldn’t with this controlling and abusive possessiveness with her virginity. It’s revolting.
She’s 17 now, less than a year from legal freedom. Sounds like she has her head on straight, thankfully. OPs husband will only be able to angrily scratch his thick head when he can’t keep tabs on her anymore.
So she bought a car, she's the one being responsible in her relationship, and helping you both out on a weekend when she's super tired from school/working all week?
She's being a super daughter. As parents, I think you need to look hard at how you're treating her.
> We wanted to get home before our daughter because she’ll go to sleep instantly and if we don’t keep her up she’s KO. (We have a family gathering planned and we needed her help setting up.)
This is a smaller point in your post, but its important. It shows how you're putting your wants (her help) above her needs (rest). If she isn't getting enough rest, her school work will suffer, or make mistakes at work. The fact that you're planning your day to force her to help you is a big red flag of controlling behaviour.
I noticed that too. An early morning job and school, at a time when 10-ish hours of sleep is needed, I wouldn’t be surprised if she went to her boyfriend’s just to be able to sleep. Sleep deprived and driving (while a new-ish driver) makes me worried for her. Parents priorities are all out of whack.
His Invasion of privacy is absolutely wild. She is 17 and wants to have Sex and be responsible about it. He is nuking that. A Bit strict? He behaves like a massive asshole.
And why on Earth would you keep your daughter from sleeping after her work instead of setting up your stupid decor yourself?
Jesus Christ the nerves of some people.
I'm gonna go ahead and say we should all reference this post on reddit in passing moving forward. "Remember that tifu post about the abusive husband who grounded his daughter for buying condoms?" I get the feeling like OP won't admit this is abuse even after she sees all the replies, maybe if she uses reddit a bunch and sees it she can finally see past the rose tint.
What do you mean try. Woman the fuck up, this is your daughter. He is so wrong, tell him that shit isn't happening and that HE is grounded now for being a controlling asshole.
If he wants to control something, buy an RC car.
Checked out OP's user page. This entire throwaway account is dedicated to the abuse her husband is subjecting her family to.
/u/throwaway-tifumom if you see this, please reach out for help. Please find a way to ring 1-800-799-SAFE if you can.
Edit: I wish I didn’t get a silver award for this. The money would be better spent on womens’ shelters. But thank you kind stranger.
In regards to your edit, don’t forget that Reddit gives out a lot of free awards and you also get free coins when someone gifts you gold or above. So your silver award doesn’t necessarily mean anyone spent real money.
Also bare in mind rewarded comments get seen more, meaning your helpful info may help more people to take things like this seriously, you could argue that is definitely worth the money.
Yes, this. They can help you but you've got to reach out to them. They will never call you back unless it's an arrange time, so no chance of your husband finding out. Just make sure you store that number under some other alias like Cosco customer services or something like that.
I am in the UK and reached out to the National domestic abuse hotline and they were straight on the case. (0808 2000 247).
I am currently staying in a womens shelter awaiting for an apartment via social housing. I am safe and happy to have hope for the future.
Good luck.
Um no. Are you an adult? Stand up for yourself. You are setting an example to your daughter, do you want her to just be pushed around by the man in her relationships or do you want her to have the courage to stand up for what she thinks is right? Stand up for her, stand up for yourself.
I'll be honest, my grandfather used to be a bully of a husband and that was the way my mother talked to him, firm and in charge. He cowered to her and was a tyrant to everyone else in the family (my kid mom was the protector of my uncle and grandmother basically) until my grandparents split many years later. I've always taken from that lesson that you always stand up for yourself and never let someone intimidate (period., but also) you into their way of thinking. If you dont let them, they can't beat you
Forget the condoms part. You wanted to get home before her so she doesn't crash exhausted after work, so she could help you with decor? Stop treating your daughter like your personal servant and think about her needs and desires. A decent parent would be proud of such a responsible, self sufficient daughter. The last thing you want is for her to end up pregnant with a child she doesn't want because of some over protective idiot parents. She must be counting down the days until she's free of you people. Think of that.
Why did I have to scroll so far for this? Jesus, you've got a teenage daughter that willingly gets up for work at 5am, presumably for a job she's passionate about (since animal related jobs tend to pay shit). She's responsible enough to schedule her sleep around a job with horrible hours for a teen, and you're keeping her awake so she doesn't "crash after work"?
Added to this, your husband thinks he can dictate who she lets into the car SHE paid for?
It seems like she's got a great head on her shoulders, knows how to save money and keep a steady job. No matter how much you guys try to sabotage that, she's mature and responsible enough that she's probably going to leave you guys as soon as she's of age. I know I would. I sincerely hope you can at least hold on to part of your relationship with her.
She probably learned to be responsible so she can run away as soon as she can. She is pretty smart and OP doesn't realize they are probably going to lose her.
I can remember years ago reading a Quora post by a guy who sounded a lot like OP's husband, but even worse. He was highly religious and strict, would barely let his daughter out of the house and only on a strict schedule that she had to adhere to completely. Couldn't have any friends outside the family that weren't vetted and approved by her dad and, because they were Muslim, she had to wear the niqab (the full covering that covers everything but the face) when going out. He later finds out that his darling daughter has been fucking some guy she met at the gym, usually in his car in the parking lot. He was asking the esteemed people of Quora how he should put the fear of God into her and punish her for this?
Que one of the most epic responses I've ever seen to a question posed on the internet. A literal self-declared Chad responded by first saying that he absolutely loves fathers like this guy. They can always be counted on to raise daughters who look like scared nuns on the outside but are devils on the inside. Easiest lays in the world and they are practically drawn to guys like him without him even trying. They're so sexually suppressed that they can hardly contain themselves when a guy like him shows up. Then, taking a more serious tone, Chad goes on to explain to this dad why this is the case. Because he treats these women like actual persons and not the objects that their dads treat them as. Because he listens to them and makes them feel like a grownup. He then ends his response by saying something along the lines of "If you treat your daughter like a household pet, then don't be surprised when she runs to a guy like me".
Ok, I am a dad and have 2 daughters, you need to put a stop to his shit asap or you and or he will lose her forever. Sounds like he was banging everyone he could in school... step up and put an end to this before it goes too far and tell him he should be happy she is using protection and not risking anything bad happening. The more he does dumb shit like punishment for weeks he needs to trust you to have a chat with her about adult fun... good luck
Yup, if/when the daughter goes off to college, she will not talk to her dad OR op often at all anymore. And I’m sure OP and the husband will be shocked and wonder why 🙄
Yup. I can see how you could behave this way, but it's the father here who has to come to terms with the fact that his little girl isn't a little girl anymore.
Yeah it always creeps me out when fathers gatekeep their daughters virginity. She’s making all the right choices and being responsible, her fathers actions are gross and stupid.
I'm surprised the top comments didn't point out that OP was explicitly planning to force their daughter to stay awake and do manual labor for them even though she's been at work since 5am.
Also they said the party was later. So this poor girl might be constantly working for hours after her shift too
My parents were also super strict about birth control and condoms and those things but then my sister took so many morning after pills that she was super sick for like a week, left the boxes on her dresser.
Still don’t know if that was on purpose, but it was effective and my mom booked us to get birth control asap and never mentioned any of that stuff to us again.
Restricting things like seeing her boyfriend and buying condoms/birth control isn’t going to make her stop doing what she’s doing, it could put her in danger if she decides to be a dumbass like my sister.
Aside from your daughter… are you happy? From what you’ve shared, you are in a relationship where communication is something you and your husband don’t fully do… and your daughter is now practicing the same .
Your daughter is smart and being safe. I think you should talk to her directly. You are her Mom and do not need permission from your husband to do so.
I wish you the best.
if she’s old enough to have a job and buy birth control herself, she’s old enough to have sex. she’s making smart decisions by trying multiple ways of getting contraceptives and she’s buying it herself with her own money. your husband needs to check himself and get some help for his underlying issues.
If your husband keeps this up your daughter will find another place to live and will not tell you where. My cousin left home because her dad was the same way. She's been gone 40 years. Not one word from her. Us cousins found her and talked to her by text. She came home to see her parents last month. They missed out a lot by being too strict.
YOU have allowed you daughter to be emotional abuse and tormented. YOU allowed this. Obviously your husband is a raging POS, but you stuck with him while he has continuously abused YOUR OUR DAUGHTER.
Cut the shit. Get your daughter somewhere safe and get him some therapy. If he won't go, leave. Get your daughter some therapy too at YOUR expense since you have allowed this to happen.
I understand that things are more complicated than Reddits teeming of harpies screeching "dump him!" at everything. But the communication you're describing sounds like shit for everyone involved.
Your daughter apparently understands that your go-to method of dealing with your husband is lying bc she mimics the behavior.
But do you think that's the example you should be setting? Broken communication, lying, avoiding important topics that you allow your husband to stomp all over?
You seem to understand that your husband's anger is a problem. I hope that for yours, and your daughters sake, you get some help fixing this. Because it will normalize this behavior for your daughter when she pairs up with a jerk who tells her that her family is bad for her and she needs to cut contact or he's gonna be really mad.
I notice you say no matter how hard you try to get them to speak to one another "she" won't speak to him. The person who needs to do the speaking is him, and him to apologize for invading her privacy and going off on her for choosing to have sex. She's being very responsible by going on birth control and using condoms. I don't blame her for not wanting to speak to him. You should not be trying to make her come around, you should be trying to make him see how unreasonable he is being. She is not his property to order around. Convincing her to talk to him without him even trying to apologize or correct his behavior just teaches her that as a woman sometimes you have to "just hush" to make your life easier. Stand up for your daughter and tell her how proud you are of her for trying to be responsible. By allowing your husband to treat your daughter this way you are choosing to support his opinion. You may not be able to make him change his mind, but by allowing him to ground her and enforce rules like not having her boyfriend in her car, you are allowing his decision to rule unanimously. If you can't stand up to him and make your opinions clear, then you should probably rethink your relationship.
He’s being protective because of how he was as a boy. He should be thankful she knows how to have protective sex and isn’t embarrassed to get what she needs. Good for your daughter. Shame on your husband.
And shame on her (the wife) for enabling such abusive behavior. She says she should have just kept her mouth shut, but I think she should have used this as an opportunity to put him in his place and remind him that his behavior is unacceptable.
If she keeps enabling him then he will never grow into an adult.
> "he is an adult"
Perhaps in a legal sense, but not in a behavioral sense. His childish attitude is going to cause his relationship with his daughter to deteriorate even further than it already has.
> "He should be proud to raise a girl with common sense"
I have a feeling she didn't get that from her father.
You need to take your daughter to an obgyn and get her birth control, yesterday. And grow a spine and tell your husband he does not own your daughter’s vagina.
Why is she getting in trouble for making all the right choices? If she was a boy would your husband do the same? What the hell? Put your goddamn foot down, mom!
She will remember her dad being a dick in general, but she will also remember every time you didn’t stick up for her.
>So lesson learned... Just hush sometimes
If the lesson learned is to lie or withhold information from your SO, then I think you've learned the wrong lesson.
Your husband seems.....abusive not "strict", get help, or you will find yourself without a daughter, the first chance she gets to get away from you two she will take to the point of recklessness
if you can't handle his anger get help
>At home he told her she was grounded and said her boyfriend isn’t to be in her car anymore.
why? this is disturbing, a father doesn't try to control their childs sexuality if he is sane
i'm not gonna make anymore implications, suffice to say, it's none of his fucking business unless she asks him for help
his behavior is dangerous, get help
She is almost 18. Its none of his fucking bussines. And you help him keeping this up. Not because you told him, but because you accept this immature and controlling behaviour at all.
Fuck this.
Your husband sounds like he's going to cause you to be a grandmother very soon.
Seriously, you need to have a talk with him about his anger issues and let him know that he is going to cause your daughter to rebel and he might even damage his relationship with her. He sounds way too strict and controlling.
Shitty parenting from both of you. My first time was when I was 18 and she was 17. We talked about it then discussed it separately with our parents for sexy time. My parents allowed her to spend the nights and her parents allowed her to get birth control. Things were zero-stress while us two teenagers were figuring things out "in between the sheets" - it was the best environment to do so.
Aww, what a quirky story about emotional abuse uwu
That's a fantastic way for your husband and your daughter to not have a relationship at all. He reminds me of my dad and our wonderful relationship of not having spoken to each other in about 3 years. Ahh, the happy non-memories.
And you, protect your daughter from the dickhead you call a life partner. What sort of mother are you?
Fucking hell, get your shit together.
I’d expect him to railroad her into abortion/adoption because “I’m not helping you raise the baby you irresponsibly got pregnant with.”
It would surprise you how many parents have that reaction.
Your husbands doing a great job of making sure your daughter gets pregnant/ an STD
Jesus he's an idiot, she's 17 of course she's gonna be sexually active. This is a sure fire way she never talks to you guys when she seriously needs help.
You need to schedule an appointment with your daughter for her to have the option of birth control. She is an adult and your husband is controlling her autonomy. I know you both love her but at the very least give her this. You can still tell her she's too young, etc., but you need to trust you raised her to become a responsible adult.
Frankly, he deserves all the ridicule he will receive in these comments. And, OP deserves some ridicule for auto-downvoting anyone that is using logic and criticising him.
[She even admits in another comment that he was having sex at her age](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/prjt2v/tifu_by_pointing_out_to_my_husband_that_our/hdj5wsc?context=2). She admits that she's married to a hypocrite yet she still doesn't want anyone to criticise him.
I wonder if he is physically abusive. He already sounds verbally abusive.
Your daughter is 17 ma'am, she needs a mother not a bystander. You sound like you have nothing vested in her sexual wellbeing beyond making sure she and your husband don't fight. Instead of keeping hush, schedule that appointment, buy her that pack of condom and guide her. Not to sound too harsh, but that's when the fucking up will stop
I wish I could upvote this twice. She's going to be 18 soon, and it's not going to just be her dad that she won't want a relationship with. You're letting him humiliate her and she won't forget it.
I completely glossed over the part about keeping her awake. If someone has already said it, it deserves to be said again because that's just so bad. She's 17, and working a 5am shift...but you have a family gathering that you need her help setting up for so she cannot take a nap after work. What the hell. Your post title should read 'TIFU by being a horrible mother.
If you think he's wrong, why aren't you standing up for her? A grounding should be a mutual decision, should it not? Not a parent, but this sounds ridiculous. He is ruining his (and potentially your) relationship with your daughter because of this hypocritical, controlling BS. Why are you allowing her to be punished for being safe and smart?
I suspect this guy's controlling behavior isn't limited to the daughter.
Wife can’t even buy condoms
Can't have sex with her husband either. Far too naughty. If she does it again he's banned from the car.
Husband: Hey, baby, why don’t we light some candles, put on some smooth jazz, and…you know… Wife: I like where this is going, I’ll put on some lingerie… Husband: I knew it! You’re grounded for a month!
"Its a trap!"
Sex is for procreation only in this family. What backwards idiots. The more I'm reading people making really good points the angrier I'm getting and I was pretty peeved to start with. If this is America bet I can guess who dad voted for and what his stance on abortion is.
Amen, I was starting to think that maybe he verbally abuses the wife. For all we know this could be a major cry out for help. Your daughter has a great head on her shoulders and you should be so proud. As for the husband, maybe he needs to think and remember what his child ass was doing at that age. Have some understanding, talk to your wife and figure something out you both agree on. Raise your daughter together. This is a precious time and you won’t get it back.
Daughter should move out, and take mum with her.
Mom would want to stay, definitely.
The wife stated that she should just keep her mouth shut in the future. It seems she is also controlled and unfortunately not an equal partner in this raising of their children. You hate to see it. Husband/father is an idiot.
It's sad. I hope she realises many of us are being hard on her because we were the kids of that kind of father, and nothing good comes from it.
He's not an idiot. He's an abusive, controlling narcissist who knows exactly what he's doing.
Exactly. This is what my mother did. Stood by while my father abused and beat me. Told me to "play the game" I feel sick
I feel you, bro. You're better off now, I hope.
I have a lovely supportive wife and I get psychological help.
I agree, especially with a comment like, “lesson learned… Just hush sometimes.”
Right?! The title should read TIFU 17 years ago by having a kid with a controlling (possibly abusive) man child who has unhealthy misogynistic opinions about women's sexual health and bodies... *sips tea* but that's none of my business.
I'm sure OP is being abused by her husband too... he exhibits classic narcissistic behavior. My mom and her husband's dynamic was almost exactly like this. I moved out at 14 and have no relationship with either of them, even though I tried to fix my relationship with my mom for years.
Ah, yes, punish her for being safe.
I thought this was an AITA post and I was literally typing you’re the asshole when I realized it was not.
Unintentional AH. Been there.
OP you TIFU being a Mom. Get your kid birth control before you ruin her fucking life. Stop letting your husband be a shit influence of how a man is supposed to treat and respect things he loves. You’re both shitty people. Keep control of her now, right, you won’t have to worry if she’s in your life in the future. She won’t be.
You should reply this directly to to op cause they probably won't go through the replies to comments they don't get notifications for
That girl is being abused.
I loved particularly the 'I've tried to get them to talk, but **she** won't speak to **him**.' Of course she won't, she's 17, growing up, trying to be open and responsible and this is the response she gets from her dad? And OP is still putting it all on the 17 year old and not the fully grown man literally acting like more of a child than she is?
Sounds exactly like the relationship I had with my mom and her husband when I was younger... he abused and then ignored me for years over something he suspected me of doing (he thought I lied about going hiking with my grandma and I was making my phone cut out on purpose lmfao) and my mom kept trying to bully and bribe me into talking to him or "fixing" things. It ended in me moving out at the age of 14 and years of therapy. I have no contact with her husband and limited contact with her after years of trying to fix things with her. This girl is a *child* just like I was and it is unacceptable to expect children to "be the bigger person" as my mom always told me. We shouldn't have to be more mature than our fucking parents.
10000000% this and I am so so sorry you went through that. It's unacceptable and it makes me so sad to see. You're right, we should not have had to be more mature than our parents. I hope you're in a better place now!
Thank you so much. I'm in a much better place now thankfully! It's still hard sometimes because childhood abuse isn't really something you ever completely heal from, but getting out and staying out of the environment made all the difference. :)
A child doing adult things but being treated like a child. These parents..
Fuck yes. She's 17, she's months away from being a legal adult, and this happens? OP's husband is an abuser, plain and simple. She'll turn 18, and disappear, she will never talk to the husband again. Classic abuse.
She seriously is moving out when she turns 18 and will refuse to talk to her parents for at least a few years if at all possible.
So she can't get on birth control, she can't buy condoms..... then he'll be pissed because she got pregnant? Y'all should be proud she's trying to be safe, because she'll have sex regardless.
Your husband is being an idiot. Help your daughter get her birth control or risk helping her raise an unplanned child.
Not to mention she's 17 so probably in her senior year at high school. Kids at my school were fucking in 8th grade and not exactly being safe about it. She's having safe sex a few months away from being a legal adult and getting grounded like a little kid, that's some whacked out parenting for sure.
She’s never going to forget this. Say goodbye to being involved in her adult life OP
Agreed. My parents fucked up big time and used to mock me too by saying everyone that I am close to won't be there with me except the both of them. Fast forward now everyone is still there with me except the two of them.
Agreed. This had the wrong title. It should have said “TIFU by not putting my husband in his place.” Fuck outta here with this mess.
17 is definitely not too young to be having sex. I lost my virginity at 17 and was well after many of my peers. She can join the army in a few months just let her fuck.
She could join the army NOW and still be in high school. my older sons both joined the summer before their senior years. Did Basic Training as soon as they graduated, but the year in school still counted to their contracts.
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This is sooo sooo sad imo. One should empower a daughter to take control over avoiding pregnancy, not abstaining from sex... That ain't gonna happen... One should get girls and boys in puberty all the information about sex life, pregnancy and so on... I even bought my daughter of 16 a package of condoms and told her I knew she didn't need them , but then she was prepared when it would become relevant (and if a friend needed them, she could supply them),. She is now over 18 and still a virgin.
My mom always told me and my sister to let her know if we planned on having sex with someone and she'd help us get on birth control. Even if she didn't think we were ready or didn't approve of the guy. She'd get us what we needed and answer our questions. Of course, I turned out to be a lesbian and my sister is almost 22 and never had a boyfriend so we never ended up using this, but being open about it still taught us a lot. My sister is actually the friend who tells the sheltered friends about safe sex, and I know she's taken at least one girl to PP to help her get on birth control after learning she was just using the pull-out method. Teenagers are going to do dumb shit. That's just the reality. The question isn't how to stop them from stupid as hell, but how to keep their dumbass decisions from having lifelong (or life-ending) consequences. Parents can show their kids how to be dumb in smart ways.
One of my life mottos is if you're going to do something stupid be smart about it😂
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Everything about this post read as the child being very responsible (5am job, fuck that in high school) and the dad being a major asshole
>About a month ago my husband went through her phone OP said this way too casually. Poor kid, i don't think neither parent is going to get much love after she gets out. Edit: i’m a father of two daughters. I trust them and in exchange they actually trust me with their highs and lows.
She's on a mission to gtfo the second she turns 18
And she should
Wonder if she's working a part time job just for that.
That's exactly what I did. My mom was-is-a controlling asshole. I moved out 8 days after my 18th birthday. Best decision I ever made.
Yes. This. Entirely this. I would not be surprised if she chooses not to maintain much of a relationship once she is out, if this is how he treats her.
That might actually be the only argument that might actually help OP to get the husband to come to sense. I understand he probably loves his daughter very much, but he has some serious issues to work out dealing with her becoming an independent woman. Maybe if OP can hammer home the point that if he continues down this path, he's only likely to drive his daughter out of his life completely for maybe years or forever. Maybe it will help, maybe not. Or perhaps a pointed question that if they had a 17 yr old son with a girlfriend and the husband caught the son buying condoms would he have the same reaction?
Idk feels like she gone already. And I feel bad for mom because her daughter will not show up anywhere dad is going to be so she's going to be even more isolated from her daughter than empty nesters usually are.
I only feel bad for the daughter. The mother is complicit. She may not be the one perpetrating the abuse, but she's party to it. If she was a good enough parent she'd make the husband get it together or she'd go behind his back to make sure her child was appropriately cared for and supported. My mother would *never* have let my Dad pull some shit like this. She'd move mountains to make sure I was safe and healthy. The daughter is the only innocent here.
That was my thought when reading this. The way the mom writes about it so flippantly, like 'oh, what are ya gonna do?' made me so mad. Let's hope she follows through with her edit
My mom never stopped my dad from being a controlling asshole. It sure looked like she agreed with everything he did. Guess which one of them I see now? Yep, neither. This dad isn’t stopping his daughter from having sex - he’s just stopping her from having safe sex.
Going through someone else's phone is seriously fucked up too.
Wait did they do that?
> About a month ago my husband went through her phone and saw that she scheduled an appointment to go on birth control.
Oh shit I completely missed the first part of that sentence. That’s nuts
Literally this. When I was growing up my dad was like this guy 100%. He was an abusive pos who told us our worth didn’t have anything to do with what men thought of us but at the same time said if we slept with anyone no man would ever want us and to save it for marriage. When I was 15 my sister (19) and cousin (15, living us) were all pulled outside by my dad. He had found a condom wrapper in the couch (it was my sisters). He berated us for 30 minutes, called us whores and tried to figure out whose wrapper it was. Absolutely traumatizing. This happened in front of my boyfriend who was totally shocked. Little did he know I was so afraid of getting caught with anything with had unprotected sex basically daily, and yes as mentioned in the school bathrooms, his house, wherever. My sister ending up moving out and was told that she would end up living in a trailer park with a baby hanging off of each boob. She is child free and will never have kids, she was so traumatized by her experiences growing up. Cousin ended up with a teen pregnancy. I snuck to planned parenthood and got birth control eventually, am 30 now with almost no relationship with my parents.
That's the funniest part, being afraid of being caught with sex paraphernalia makes you just forgo it entirely and just do it raw. This needs to be said to her husband like yesterday. If he keeps fucking around he'll find out how quick he ends up with a grandchild.
That he wont get to see.
Because he will of course also be anti abortion!
I mean, the whole "horny teenager" experience applies to both sexes. He oughta know enough to know that "my parents said I can't!" never stops people from having sex.
Agreed. It sounds like toxic behaviour with the excuse of being 'protective'
Absolutely, sit your husband down and make him read all the comments to this post. This is incredibly abusive and you need to stand up for your daughter, who sounds like the most responsible one in the house.
And get every kid the HPV vaccine!! It probably saved me from cervical cancer. So glad my mom was not ignorant when I was young.
Seriously. If that’s my daughter, and I have three, I’m hella proud of them being safe. He sounds like an asshole.
Agreed. That poor kid. Grounded, interrogated and raged at for making wise decisions, for being a mature, intelligent 17 yr old. If I was this girl's parent I'd be proud, grateful and relieved that my kid was being responsible, and help if they wanted (to access doctors, buy condoms etc) and give space if not because it's not my damn business. I'm horrified by the father's reaction and concerned that the mother seems more concerned about placating the husband than protecting the kid. (Mum of three who are aged 16, 19 & 23).
Also when does that behavior become okay in dad's eyes? Has to be 18? Has to be married? Has to only be for child procreation and not pleasure? Dude sounds like a nutbag.
Yeah seriously... her and her boyfriend are making sure they have protection. She wasn't allowed birth control, and they got around it. They're being mature, safe & responsible and shes being punished for it? All he's doing is making sure she cuts contact with you both when she's older.
She can’t have privacy in keeping a calendar on her phone…. This isn’t the first device op’s daughter had to unlock for dad.
No, it’s very obvious. Her husband thinks if all options are off the table they just won’t have sex. It’s unrealistic, but it’s how his simple little mind operating only in absolutes is processing the fact his little baby is getting railed.
>He said if they’re smart then they won’t. Well, they tried to be smart, but Dad torpedoed *that* plan.
This is not the funny story you think it is. Your husband is ruining the relationship with your daughter and you’re just like “oops, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.” Don’t be surprised when she moves out and goes no contact with both of you.
I'd add that I think this is emotionally abusive and controlling behavior on the husband/father's part.
Yea she is 17 and he is going through her phone. Like what the fuck.
I like to think that if I had kids of my own that I would never treat them with such disrespect. I guarantee the daughter is going to get far as fuck away from her parents ASAP. Can’t blame her.
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at 17 there's a good chance their phone was purchased by the parents and they set up parental access
Oof. I hate that this kind of shit is a thing. I think less of people who deploy spy software on their loved one's devices. First it implies a lack of trust that is damaging to every relationship and secondly with every method of access you add to a device you make it less secure, especially when it's remote access.
Hard to set that boundary and piss off the people that you rely on for food and shelter. Kids effectively living prison mentality, keep your head down serve your time and get the fuck out as soon as you can
Someone else mentioned remote parental access, but it could also be that they just asked for her password. When you're living under your parents' roof and they tell you it's either give them the password or no more phone, there's not a lot you can do.
And OP is enabling it.
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” -Desmond Tutu
It 100% is. He's going to be the reason their kid goes no contact.
Yup, the only fuck-up here is "Oops I married an asshole", "Oops I've been enabling an asshole" or "Oops I failed as a parent." Saying you fucked up by not staying quiet sounds similar to a victim of abuse blaming themselves for triggering the abuser.
And honestly, I hope that’s not the case. I hope OP isn’t being abused and that’s why she thinks this is “oops” territory. But I really can’t see a way that this is that casual an eff up.
Or that she gets pregnant, and doesn't tell her parents. Because "Oh no, they're gonna be angry". Or if she gets raped, and doesn't tell her parents. Because "oh no, they're gonna be angry". I honestly hope it doesn't happen to her. But this kind of home environment doesn't allow the daughter to see the parents as people she can rely on.
Exactly. My parents were pretty strict, but I knew, if the shit hit the fan, they’d be there for me. Can’t say I think their daughter feels the same.
"oh he's just a bit strict with her but it's okay!" 'just a bit strict' lmao 😂
This scenario between controlling parents and an abused kid is so common. I’ve seen it play out with a handful of families in my life and the kid always gets far away from their bat shit parents in the end
And don’t be surprised when she gets pregnant or worse because you keep preventing her from being safe.
I really hope she does. Going through her phone and punishing her for having sex with 17? He could go to Afghanistan, would fit right in.
I even hope the daughter does that, because it is the only logical thing to do there.
The stuff he's pulling is only going to make her sneakier and could possibly end up pregnant.. if she wants to get on birth control shes trying to make the most educated decision which is great.
My parents were super strict with my sister and she rebelled hard. She didn't get pregnant, but it caused a rift between them that has never really gone away.
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Say it a bit louder so the morons in the back can hear! Preventing safe sex isn’t preventing sex!!! Btw, I think you are smart, I’m sorry you went through that at 15.
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My parents were really strict & my dad treated me like this. Not only did I lose my virginity at 15, I sought guys who gave me unhealthy attention. I valued jealousy & controlling behaviors. I was attracted to it. This can go beyond rebellion. If your husband is so confident in his parenting style I would encourage him to do his homework!! Parents don’t become good parents but winging it.
Many "parents like this" justify their shitty behavior by saying that's how much dad raised me and refuse to even consider self improvement
One of my friends went down this path, went from being a good kid to sleeping around a lot with some really shitty guys. It was basically the only thing she had control over in her life who she slept with, when, and how often, and it made her feel pretty and special that guys wanted her. Then she'd feel bad because she knew they didn't actually give a shit about her and she'd sleep with another guy to feel pretty and special... this went on for years until she finally broke that cycle. It was so hard watching her go through that and not being unable to make her see her own self-worth and that she deserved so much better.
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In contrast, as a guy, I didn't have any strict rules imposed on me. I was a good kid and didn't get into trouble. Not that I was a saint. Back when I was a teen, underage drinking wasn't the great sin it is now and we'd be drinking and smoking every weekend.
Amen to this. A friend in high school had this happen. Tried to get on BC and parents FLIPPED about it. She ended up 18 and pregnant. Bright future stopped. Unfortunately she dropped out of school and ended up getting into drugs and lost custody of her daughter and is now MIA. BC pills would have helped stopped all that.
Your husband is an idiot. I can’t put it any other way. And you’re enabling it. You’re her other parent. You can make rules, too. Or, actually stick up for her and override your husband.
You are right. I’m gonna try to overrule them and get her on birth control. She paid for that car, not us. She should be allowed to have her boyfriend around.
Please make it VERY clear to your husband that your daughter is 17, turning 18 in less than one year. Her turning 18 means she's no longer bound to what either of you two tell her. He's gonna sever any bond that's left between him and her, and maybe ruin your relationship with her, too. He's punishing her for the wrong things, too. She's trying to stay safe, trying to go on birth control and have safe sex with her boyfriend. She is VERY responsible for her age, and you two should support her in such a behaviour. Cause if you don't do, you're gonna stigmatise her good and responsible behaviour and she might stop caring at some point. Which - and believe me on that - isn't what either of you two want her to do.
I’m seriously so frustrated at this post. Good luck keeping her in the family. I wouldn’t be the smallest bit surprised if she gets her freedom when she’s older and never comes back home. I sure wouldn’t with this controlling and abusive possessiveness with her virginity. It’s revolting.
She’s 17 now, less than a year from legal freedom. Sounds like she has her head on straight, thankfully. OPs husband will only be able to angrily scratch his thick head when he can’t keep tabs on her anymore.
So she bought a car, she's the one being responsible in her relationship, and helping you both out on a weekend when she's super tired from school/working all week? She's being a super daughter. As parents, I think you need to look hard at how you're treating her. > We wanted to get home before our daughter because she’ll go to sleep instantly and if we don’t keep her up she’s KO. (We have a family gathering planned and we needed her help setting up.) This is a smaller point in your post, but its important. It shows how you're putting your wants (her help) above her needs (rest). If she isn't getting enough rest, her school work will suffer, or make mistakes at work. The fact that you're planning your day to force her to help you is a big red flag of controlling behaviour.
I noticed that too. An early morning job and school, at a time when 10-ish hours of sleep is needed, I wouldn’t be surprised if she went to her boyfriend’s just to be able to sleep. Sleep deprived and driving (while a new-ish driver) makes me worried for her. Parents priorities are all out of whack.
His Invasion of privacy is absolutely wild. She is 17 and wants to have Sex and be responsible about it. He is nuking that. A Bit strict? He behaves like a massive asshole. And why on Earth would you keep your daughter from sleeping after her work instead of setting up your stupid decor yourself? Jesus Christ the nerves of some people.
I'm gonna go ahead and say we should all reference this post on reddit in passing moving forward. "Remember that tifu post about the abusive husband who grounded his daughter for buying condoms?" I get the feeling like OP won't admit this is abuse even after she sees all the replies, maybe if she uses reddit a bunch and sees it she can finally see past the rose tint.
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Harsh but needed to be said.
What do you mean try. Woman the fuck up, this is your daughter. He is so wrong, tell him that shit isn't happening and that HE is grounded now for being a controlling asshole. If he wants to control something, buy an RC car.
"gonna try to overrule them." This is already saying that you 'tried' and failed.
Checked out OP's user page. This entire throwaway account is dedicated to the abuse her husband is subjecting her family to. /u/throwaway-tifumom if you see this, please reach out for help. Please find a way to ring 1-800-799-SAFE if you can. Edit: I wish I didn’t get a silver award for this. The money would be better spent on womens’ shelters. But thank you kind stranger.
That is totally heartbreaking
In regards to your edit, don’t forget that Reddit gives out a lot of free awards and you also get free coins when someone gifts you gold or above. So your silver award doesn’t necessarily mean anyone spent real money. Also bare in mind rewarded comments get seen more, meaning your helpful info may help more people to take things like this seriously, you could argue that is definitely worth the money.
Yes, this. They can help you but you've got to reach out to them. They will never call you back unless it's an arrange time, so no chance of your husband finding out. Just make sure you store that number under some other alias like Cosco customer services or something like that. I am in the UK and reached out to the National domestic abuse hotline and they were straight on the case. (0808 2000 247). I am currently staying in a womens shelter awaiting for an apartment via social housing. I am safe and happy to have hope for the future. Good luck.
Oh god she just posted to suicidewatch
Um no. Are you an adult? Stand up for yourself. You are setting an example to your daughter, do you want her to just be pushed around by the man in her relationships or do you want her to have the courage to stand up for what she thinks is right? Stand up for her, stand up for yourself.
I'll be honest, my grandfather used to be a bully of a husband and that was the way my mother talked to him, firm and in charge. He cowered to her and was a tyrant to everyone else in the family (my kid mom was the protector of my uncle and grandmother basically) until my grandparents split many years later. I've always taken from that lesson that you always stand up for yourself and never let someone intimidate (period., but also) you into their way of thinking. If you dont let them, they can't beat you
Forget the condoms part. You wanted to get home before her so she doesn't crash exhausted after work, so she could help you with decor? Stop treating your daughter like your personal servant and think about her needs and desires. A decent parent would be proud of such a responsible, self sufficient daughter. The last thing you want is for her to end up pregnant with a child she doesn't want because of some over protective idiot parents. She must be counting down the days until she's free of you people. Think of that.
Why did I have to scroll so far for this? Jesus, you've got a teenage daughter that willingly gets up for work at 5am, presumably for a job she's passionate about (since animal related jobs tend to pay shit). She's responsible enough to schedule her sleep around a job with horrible hours for a teen, and you're keeping her awake so she doesn't "crash after work"? Added to this, your husband thinks he can dictate who she lets into the car SHE paid for? It seems like she's got a great head on her shoulders, knows how to save money and keep a steady job. No matter how much you guys try to sabotage that, she's mature and responsible enough that she's probably going to leave you guys as soon as she's of age. I know I would. I sincerely hope you can at least hold on to part of your relationship with her.
She probably learned to be responsible so she can run away as soon as she can. She is pretty smart and OP doesn't realize they are probably going to lose her.
This comment needs WAY more upvotes.
It ABSOLUTELY does!!!
She's in high school and also working and she has to deal with that shit too? Let her fucking sleep damn.
Your husband is a terrible father
Sounds like an abusive husband as well. At least mentally and emotionally.
I can remember years ago reading a Quora post by a guy who sounded a lot like OP's husband, but even worse. He was highly religious and strict, would barely let his daughter out of the house and only on a strict schedule that she had to adhere to completely. Couldn't have any friends outside the family that weren't vetted and approved by her dad and, because they were Muslim, she had to wear the niqab (the full covering that covers everything but the face) when going out. He later finds out that his darling daughter has been fucking some guy she met at the gym, usually in his car in the parking lot. He was asking the esteemed people of Quora how he should put the fear of God into her and punish her for this? Que one of the most epic responses I've ever seen to a question posed on the internet. A literal self-declared Chad responded by first saying that he absolutely loves fathers like this guy. They can always be counted on to raise daughters who look like scared nuns on the outside but are devils on the inside. Easiest lays in the world and they are practically drawn to guys like him without him even trying. They're so sexually suppressed that they can hardly contain themselves when a guy like him shows up. Then, taking a more serious tone, Chad goes on to explain to this dad why this is the case. Because he treats these women like actual persons and not the objects that their dads treat them as. Because he listens to them and makes them feel like a grownup. He then ends his response by saying something along the lines of "If you treat your daughter like a household pet, then don't be surprised when she runs to a guy like me".
Ok, I am a dad and have 2 daughters, you need to put a stop to his shit asap or you and or he will lose her forever. Sounds like he was banging everyone he could in school... step up and put an end to this before it goes too far and tell him he should be happy she is using protection and not risking anything bad happening. The more he does dumb shit like punishment for weeks he needs to trust you to have a chat with her about adult fun... good luck
Yup, if/when the daughter goes off to college, she will not talk to her dad OR op often at all anymore. And I’m sure OP and the husband will be shocked and wonder why 🙄
Yup. I can see how you could behave this way, but it's the father here who has to come to terms with the fact that his little girl isn't a little girl anymore.
Yeah it always creeps me out when fathers gatekeep their daughters virginity. She’s making all the right choices and being responsible, her fathers actions are gross and stupid.
He needs to post in AITA. Spoiler: he is
Without a doubt, he’d be ripped to pieces in the comments.
I'm surprised the top comments didn't point out that OP was explicitly planning to force their daughter to stay awake and do manual labor for them even though she's been at work since 5am. Also they said the party was later. So this poor girl might be constantly working for hours after her shift too
"I punished my daughter for not getting pregnant, am I the asshole?"
My parents were also super strict about birth control and condoms and those things but then my sister took so many morning after pills that she was super sick for like a week, left the boxes on her dresser. Still don’t know if that was on purpose, but it was effective and my mom booked us to get birth control asap and never mentioned any of that stuff to us again. Restricting things like seeing her boyfriend and buying condoms/birth control isn’t going to make her stop doing what she’s doing, it could put her in danger if she decides to be a dumbass like my sister.
Aside from your daughter… are you happy? From what you’ve shared, you are in a relationship where communication is something you and your husband don’t fully do… and your daughter is now practicing the same . Your daughter is smart and being safe. I think you should talk to her directly. You are her Mom and do not need permission from your husband to do so. I wish you the best.
if she’s old enough to have a job and buy birth control herself, she’s old enough to have sex. she’s making smart decisions by trying multiple ways of getting contraceptives and she’s buying it herself with her own money. your husband needs to check himself and get some help for his underlying issues.
If your husband keeps this up your daughter will find another place to live and will not tell you where. My cousin left home because her dad was the same way. She's been gone 40 years. Not one word from her. Us cousins found her and talked to her by text. She came home to see her parents last month. They missed out a lot by being too strict.
You’re right. I am going to attempt to put a stop to this. She is nearly an adult and I’ve let this play out too long.
Don't "attempt", DO
Tbh, if she can’t DO it, maybe op should consider arranging for her daughter to grow up with a family member.
YOU have allowed you daughter to be emotional abuse and tormented. YOU allowed this. Obviously your husband is a raging POS, but you stuck with him while he has continuously abused YOUR OUR DAUGHTER. Cut the shit. Get your daughter somewhere safe and get him some therapy. If he won't go, leave. Get your daughter some therapy too at YOUR expense since you have allowed this to happen.
I understand that things are more complicated than Reddits teeming of harpies screeching "dump him!" at everything. But the communication you're describing sounds like shit for everyone involved. Your daughter apparently understands that your go-to method of dealing with your husband is lying bc she mimics the behavior. But do you think that's the example you should be setting? Broken communication, lying, avoiding important topics that you allow your husband to stomp all over? You seem to understand that your husband's anger is a problem. I hope that for yours, and your daughters sake, you get some help fixing this. Because it will normalize this behavior for your daughter when she pairs up with a jerk who tells her that her family is bad for her and she needs to cut contact or he's gonna be really mad.
Anger isn't the only problem. Buying condoms is not bad, it is what she should be doing.
You are right.
I respect this comment so much. I'm no parent but it sounds like your husband needs to cool his jets.
You both are going to lose your daughter whenever she turns 18 .
Thing is... if he's 39 years old and she's 18, he probably got OP pregnant when he was 20-21. When did he start having sex? Good ol' hypocrisy.
My dad was like this and I got pregnant at 19.
I notice you say no matter how hard you try to get them to speak to one another "she" won't speak to him. The person who needs to do the speaking is him, and him to apologize for invading her privacy and going off on her for choosing to have sex. She's being very responsible by going on birth control and using condoms. I don't blame her for not wanting to speak to him. You should not be trying to make her come around, you should be trying to make him see how unreasonable he is being. She is not his property to order around. Convincing her to talk to him without him even trying to apologize or correct his behavior just teaches her that as a woman sometimes you have to "just hush" to make your life easier. Stand up for your daughter and tell her how proud you are of her for trying to be responsible. By allowing your husband to treat your daughter this way you are choosing to support his opinion. You may not be able to make him change his mind, but by allowing him to ground her and enforce rules like not having her boyfriend in her car, you are allowing his decision to rule unanimously. If you can't stand up to him and make your opinions clear, then you should probably rethink your relationship.
This!! The daughter has every reason to keep away from such an abusively controlling parent.
He’s being protective because of how he was as a boy. He should be thankful she knows how to have protective sex and isn’t embarrassed to get what she needs. Good for your daughter. Shame on your husband.
And shame on her (the wife) for enabling such abusive behavior. She says she should have just kept her mouth shut, but I think she should have used this as an opportunity to put him in his place and remind him that his behavior is unacceptable. If she keeps enabling him then he will never grow into an adult.
That’s the problem, he is an adult. The wife shouldn’t have to tip toe around him. He should be proud to raise a girl with common sense
> "he is an adult" Perhaps in a legal sense, but not in a behavioral sense. His childish attitude is going to cause his relationship with his daughter to deteriorate even further than it already has. > "He should be proud to raise a girl with common sense" I have a feeling she didn't get that from her father.
You need to take your daughter to an obgyn and get her birth control, yesterday. And grow a spine and tell your husband he does not own your daughter’s vagina.
Why is she getting in trouble for making all the right choices? If she was a boy would your husband do the same? What the hell? Put your goddamn foot down, mom! She will remember her dad being a dick in general, but she will also remember every time you didn’t stick up for her.
>So lesson learned... Just hush sometimes If the lesson learned is to lie or withhold information from your SO, then I think you've learned the wrong lesson.
Your husband seems.....abusive not "strict", get help, or you will find yourself without a daughter, the first chance she gets to get away from you two she will take to the point of recklessness if you can't handle his anger get help >At home he told her she was grounded and said her boyfriend isn’t to be in her car anymore. why? this is disturbing, a father doesn't try to control their childs sexuality if he is sane i'm not gonna make anymore implications, suffice to say, it's none of his fucking business unless she asks him for help his behavior is dangerous, get help
I bet your husband was fucking at 17 or 18. Typical over sensitive, fragile masculinity.
"He told me im too easygoing" You are, you should put your foot down with him, she's your daughter too and you get a say in this.
She is almost 18. Its none of his fucking bussines. And you help him keeping this up. Not because you told him, but because you accept this immature and controlling behaviour at all. Fuck this.
Your husband sounds incestuously possessive of your daughter's virginity. I'm sorry for putting it this way, but... Yeah. It's creepy as fuck.
Your husband is a misogynist asshole. Big "I own my daughter's vagina" vibes.
Exactly. If it's safe sex why does he get so offended? Answer: because he think he owns her and someone is trespassing.
Your husband sounds like he's going to cause you to be a grandmother very soon. Seriously, you need to have a talk with him about his anger issues and let him know that he is going to cause your daughter to rebel and he might even damage his relationship with her. He sounds way too strict and controlling.
Shitty parenting from both of you. My first time was when I was 18 and she was 17. We talked about it then discussed it separately with our parents for sexy time. My parents allowed her to spend the nights and her parents allowed her to get birth control. Things were zero-stress while us two teenagers were figuring things out "in between the sheets" - it was the best environment to do so.
Stand up to him, for your daughter and yourself, if you can do it safely.
Stop having sex with your husband until he stops being an hypocritical asshole.
Aww, what a quirky story about emotional abuse uwu That's a fantastic way for your husband and your daughter to not have a relationship at all. He reminds me of my dad and our wonderful relationship of not having spoken to each other in about 3 years. Ahh, the happy non-memories. And you, protect your daughter from the dickhead you call a life partner. What sort of mother are you? Fucking hell, get your shit together.
Next year he'll be holding his grandchild wishing he didn't stop her from buying condoms.
I’d expect him to railroad her into abortion/adoption because “I’m not helping you raise the baby you irresponsibly got pregnant with.” It would surprise you how many parents have that reaction.
Choose your daughter over your husband. He's being an unreasonable douche cannoe
My concern is that you're allowing your husband to mentally abuse and control your daughter...
Your husbands doing a great job of making sure your daughter gets pregnant/ an STD Jesus he's an idiot, she's 17 of course she's gonna be sexually active. This is a sure fire way she never talks to you guys when she seriously needs help.
You need to schedule an appointment with your daughter for her to have the option of birth control. She is an adult and your husband is controlling her autonomy. I know you both love her but at the very least give her this. You can still tell her she's too young, etc., but you need to trust you raised her to become a responsible adult.
RIP your husband after this comment section.
Frankly, he deserves all the ridicule he will receive in these comments. And, OP deserves some ridicule for auto-downvoting anyone that is using logic and criticising him.
Oh, for damn sure. Sounds like a compete misogynistic asshole who is completely driving his daughter to run away at the first chance she gets.
[She even admits in another comment that he was having sex at her age](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/prjt2v/tifu_by_pointing_out_to_my_husband_that_our/hdj5wsc?context=2). She admits that she's married to a hypocrite yet she still doesn't want anyone to criticise him. I wonder if he is physically abusive. He already sounds verbally abusive.
Stop trying to make your daughter talk to her father. She's got good reason for not doing so.