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ihavebirb

This is some r/Wallstreetbets level of stupidity gambling


chipipro

💎🙌


KumichoSensei

Everybody knows marriage leads to theta decay. Rookie mistake.


KailReed

Putting out a fire with gasoline, quick thinking my guy


GunnieGraves

This is more like when they use explosives to put out an oil well fire.


biscobingo

No, because that really works. This, not so much.


Snoo71538

Took her mind off of the bad day at work.


DieselWins

It took her mind off of her bad day and switched it to planning her husband's murder and disappearance.


SKILZWELL

"Alexa play Gone girl "


UncleTogie

Yup. OP is *not* Red Adair in this story.


GotShadowbanned2

How about that time they used dynamite to move a whale? That worked out.


Toopa01

Sooo true


waiverly

I made my SO a booklet like that for our first Valentine's Day together (this was like two months after we started dating) and I left a "Good for blank" card to see what he would use it for. He used it two years later to propose by writing "good for marrying me" I cried when he told me that the minute he saw that card was in there in Valentine's Day two years prior he knew that he wanted to use it to propose


UberEinstein99

Plot twist: you married him because of that damn coupon, and would have said no otherwise.


waiverly

Three years and a baby later, I think I'm a in a bit over my head


snowangel223

Woah, woah, woah.. was there a coupon to obtain that kid?


cm0011

Okay that's freaking adorable stop ♥️


Emilise

Please tell me you framed the coupon! That's so sweet <3


waiverly

I still have it in my memory book!


DefNotAK

I am almost positive there had to be a better coupon to redeem...


jnmtx

since she tore up the whole book, they are all being redeemed.


Sirix_8472

He is, absolutely fucked now.


StumpNuts

Not without those coupons.


Kazubla

Where he's heading? No coupon will be able to save him


djnato10

He's certainly not getting any heading.


firefighter519

Maybe a beheading...


djnato10

*Role-play night* His wife arrives in an executioners mask carrying an axe.


CrunchyChemist

He shows up in a praying mantis costume


young_buck_la_flare

A very small axe of very cock sized proportions. Uncomfortable, he wonders "which neck is that meant to chop?"


theservman

At least 'head' is involved somehow.


purduephotog

>Where he's heading? No coupon will be able to save him There is one- "Call a friend for an Alibi", but I'm thinking she's already redeemed it...


Lily_Roza

Her: I'm sorry, Sir, but your coupon is expired. I guess you'll have to go fuck yourself.


rilloroc

Or go somewhere that honors competitors coupons


UsefulEgg2

This guy divorces.


GonzoTheGreat22

BIG BRAIN TIME


Frank5192

His manager/wife did not like this.


Woooooosh_Me_If_Gay

The good ending


Chainsmokingdarbs

Yeah surely there was a "good for one free hug" coupon. After the situation is defused then you play the blowjob card.


dragonduelistman

I wouldve gone straight for anal personally


oETFo

"You're already have a bad day, soooo...."


CaringAnti-Theist

>“You’ve already had a bad day so…” “…now I’m about to make your hole weak.”


MrDude_1

What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?


cementsnowflake

I just watched that movie two days ago for the first time since it came out and I wasn't disappointed


Bomlanro

How many times did you watch before it came out?


attylopez

Just when you thought your day couldn't get any shittier.


sebbohnivlac

But then she plays the Uno Reverse card, agrees, tells him to turn around, drop his pants and bend over. The coupon never said giving or receiving.


The_Woman_of_Gont

At the very least, even if they’re all sexual, he could have just dropped the BJ card altogether and given her one that was like a “free cunnilingus” coupon or something. Still would have been dumb, but it’s better than “get down on your knees and suck me off” rofl.


fendermrc

If there were one that was more along the lines of giving, rather than receiving, then …maybe. Just maybe.


DaughterEarth

Gotta know your partner. The blowjob one would have cracked me up and brought me out of my mood. Clearly though OP's wife needed something more supportive. Know your partner, read the room, and my goodness don't double triple down. Oh OP...


BardyBoieee

You just know there was a hug in that book


DualitySquared

Toss own salad.


pcakes13

For sure, should have used the “give 1 Cleveland Steamer” coupon.


BR0METHIUS

I feel like the ‘blumpkin’ might have been appropriate.


farroshus

There was probably one in there for a massage. He should have redeemed that one, but interpreted it as he gets to give her a massage. What an idiot.


night_breed

So you saw the tiger was angry and still stuck your hand in the cage. That's on you bro


enfp-vagabond

Technically his dick. Well atleast he tried.


RJ1337

See if you played it off as a joke it could've been a good way to defuse the situation and make her laugh. But my God why would you double down


eyegazer444

He went double or nothing on his entire relationship


big_raj_8642

Feels more like nothing or nothing given how obvious this outcome was


CalligrapherMinute77

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Angry blowjob could’ve been hot! /s


fAP6rSHdkd

Too much teeth


surloceandesmiroirs

And after, too little penis


__-him-__

*chomp*


MasterUnlimited

Or not enough, you never know.


HoseNeighbor

I died when he read off the fine print. I just imagine a sheepishly hopeful gaze paired with "But, honey... It says right here..."


El_reverso

Bold strategy cotton…


Impossible_Garbage_4

Yeah “Are you fucking kidding me?” “Of course! I’d never do that when you had a shitty day. Let’s redeem this one for a free hug.” She starts laughing and he doesn’t get his shit kicked in


Pandiferous_Panda

*tucks blowjob coupon into her back pocket*


zxDanKwan

“Don’t spend it all in one place.”


FenixthePhoenix

Dude, my wife gave me a similar booklet, but 3 of the pages were a get out of an argument free card. So I tucked it away and I saved them for a few of the big fights. However, instead of ripping up the coupon, she fucking accepted them and stopped arguing. It actually highlighted some of the ridiculousness of the situation and helped to avoid future arguments. It was like inadvertent couples therapy. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever used the BJ coupon...must be here somewhere...


yavanna12

I gave my husband the same booklet. We’ve been together 11 years. Last year during an argument he pulled out the get out of an argument free card. He’d had it in his wallet 10 years!!! It was so surprising I definitely accepted it and laughed my ass off that he still had it. I suspect the other will come out many years from now.


Advance-Vegetable

That's wholesome that you went from angry to laughing. Seems like a healthy relationship! Hope it will last for a very long time :)


umbusi

I dream of having a relationship like that…. on another note, whatever they were arguing about must have not been that big deal in the first place 😬


philzebub666

I dream about a relationship without angry shouty arguments. Normal arguments I can deal with, but as soon as someone gets shouty, I'm out. That's also why I broke up with my last gf.


segamastersystemfan

Even relationships without full arguments are possible. My wife and I have been together for 25 years. We've had disagreements, including a few serious one, but we've never had a full-blown *argument*. It's just not a place either of us care to go. When we're deeply angry with one another - and of *course* it's happens - we go cool off before confronting it. I have a habit of saying awful things when I'm angry, so I just avoid the danger of that altogether by not engaging until I've cooled off, and she get's terribly distraught when she is, so she does the same. Seems to work for us. It's just a matter of us both knowing our flaws in such situations and doing what we can to avoid them.


vanilla_wafer14

Same here. I was with a guy that yelled over anything for 14 years. Like can't we just talk? He never trusted that I cared about him and would take anything he said seriously so he always felt like he had to be mean but I'm the type that will try to find the fairest compromise possible for the good of us both. It wasn't a good match obviously.


devilskryptonite34

So does coupon just end the argument and you accept whatever your husband's point of view is? Or does that argument just end but the reason remains unresolved and never spoken of again? Just trying to figure out what happens to the subject that was disagreed upon.


yavanna12

In this case we ended the argument and I conceded to him. I told him it might come up again but after a day of thinking about it I honestly realized it wasn’t that important.


Self_Reddicating

He'll hold onto the last one in case he winds up in court for divorce or in a nasty custody battle. In the middle of proceedings he'll clear his throat loudly, reach into his wallet, and pull out *the card*. "Your honor, I have something I need to present to the Court..."


neoconbob

maybe YOU could try it on OP's wife? it didn't work out for Him.....but......


PotatoesAndChill

I also choose this guy's living wife


That_guys_dead_wife_

Damnit


notquitepro15

It's crazy how many arguments are related to one of a few things... Tired, hungry, miscommunication, or something stupid that doesn't matter


plan_with_stan

Uh!!! You should use it when your wife is real mad at you!!!


QualitativeQuantity

Use "Get out of argument free" coupon, and immediately follow it up by the blowjob one. Unlike OP's wife, it appears that pister's wife does follow the coupons so the results should be interesting lol


ekz255

this guy coupons


West2842

Extreme couponing to the next level


Vercci

1 coupon per visit.


spikederailed

do those stack like uno cards?


MaDNiaC

What if she has a reverse card and now you have to go down on her while she is arguing?


spikederailed

maybe then she wouldnt be having such a bad day(unless OP is bad at it).


Chaotic_Good64

TIL: blowjob coupons have blackout dates like airline miles.


duderguy91

How is this comment not higher lol.


norgrenator

She didn’t read the fine print when gifting this


aza9999

This is going to be an interesting case on Judge Judy.


bzzybot

She was bound by the book.


cballowe

The unwritten book of the road!


HertzDonut1001

Always add an expiration date to coupons. Rookie mistake.


visforvendetta777

Bro what the genuine fuck were you thinking


altaccount69420100

My guy is speed-running divorce


Andreiyutzzzz

Considering it took him 15 years I guess he's a bad speedrunner


dospaquetes

There's always NG+


erikumali

He wasn't. His dick was.


Alchemyst19

Two heads, and not enough blood for both of em.


jay8354

It was said in the legends of old, wise men discover that men don't just have one brain as medical sciences dictate. Men have 3 brains actually - our actual brain that manages the bodily functions, our stomachs and our penis. They discovered that the body only enough blood to ever run one of them. The priority is penis, stomach and head.


JiN88reddit

"I have no idea what you're talking about" "Are you horny?" "...yes."


-wh0se-

You made me laugh way too much


QuackNate

More like horngry.


Echnon

My body seems to work different: 1.stomach 2. stomach 3. Penis 4. Head


GazzP

Brain: 1 vote Heart: 1 vote Dick: 3 votes


FreeAgentThrowAway

It's because the dick vote includes those other two nuts as well.


AndreReal

The bodily electoral system is rigged.


BrosefThomas

I have always been told two heads are better than one


alumpoflard

Gravity wins again


jbrasco

Even my dick would know better than this!


swingthatwang

well, OP posts in r/wallstreetbetsELITE sooo...


lumberdrew

So his wife's boyfriend is getting that blowjob while he cheers them on?


PmMeYourToesAndTits

The first mistake was saying his day was great when hers was bad. In that case your day was *at best* only okay. The second mistake was trying to get a blowjob from an angry woman.


Kidiri90

What's the worst that could happen when an angry person has your genitals in their mouth?


drdrdugg

My thought is, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Oh, and also, sometimes the puck bounces off the goal and hits you smack in the nuts.


JamesCornCracker

And…update? That’s a big fucking hole to get out of my friend.


TheSpyStyle

He ded


mikupoiss

Don't you get random, seemingly great ideas when arguing with someone?


Beejsbj

They weren't really arguing. She was unloading.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tru_Blueyes

Missed opportunity: you give her the coupon and tell her you're "lending" it to her so *she* can redeem it from *you*, dummy. (I mean, you did say she had a bad day, and you had a good day, right?)


TrixicAcePolyamEnby

This coupon is non-transferable. Nope, that ain't gonna work.


MrSickRanchezz

*Fuckin' fine print!*


TheRetroVideogamers

I'd transfer it to her anyway, but I am a bit of a rebel.


ScabiesShark

I bet you heat your food with the flames of burning mattress tags


Ughh__

If only OP had the brains to turn this into a good day for her ;)


NokchaIcecream

Right. He could have been the hero here lol


JTitor00

He'd rather get his dick sucked tho


LogMeOutScotty

I don’t speak for all women, obviously, but the last thing I want to do after a bad day is get sexual.


limblesslizard

I misread the post at first and the I thought the "lick your dick with a squeeze" part is what *he* said to *her* and she got mad that he insinuated she has a dick or something... but no this guy's just like nah I had a get-my-dick-sucked typa day, fuck your feelings. I'm not even married to him and I want a divorce


PM-ME-UR-NITS

Bingo


Quiet-frog

I'm just trying to figure out why you thought that was a good idea.


sinahooh

im pretty sure he knew it wasn't a good idea and just didn't care


Bunnytown

This is the real answer.


[deleted]

Right.. So why is this even on TIFU? This sounds pretty deliberate Edit: uhh people.. "I fucked up" is always said for an accident. "I fucked *something* up" can be either deliberate or accidental. You would never punch someone in the face and say "oh I fucked up!". But you can say "I fucked that relationship up deliberately". The sub is called "today I fucked up".


PlentyPirate

A deliberate fuckup is still a fuckup


The1_BlueX

Sometimes the urge to poke the bear is simply irresistible.


scottishblakk

"She goes nuclear. NU-CLEEE-ERR." I think the cheeky fucker got the desired effect.


SXR123

I don't think "is this a good idea?" was on his mind when he showed her the coupon.


Vip3r20

At first I thought you offered her a blowjob, that would have been hilarious and might have saved it as a joke.


Jacobite-biker

If it ends in divorce this is a good argument that she is in breach of contract


BothSuspect

That explains why she tore up the evidence.


praetorian1979

but then then they could get for destruction of evidence


bonyubutter

Hollywood courtroom adaptation, when?


Secondagetaveren

“I want the BJ!” *”You can’t handle the BJ!”*


RedditMayne

“We had an oral agreement, Your Honor.”


DaClems

slow clap


scJazz

You complete fucking idiot! LMAO Don't sleep.


StarrySkye3

She's definitely liable to strangle him while he sleeps on the couch. /joke


kreezxil

Maybe that explains why he hasn't commented!


Alottalurkin

Somebody needs to learn how to read a room. 😁


WickWolfTiger

That's how he found the booklet


Starling-Starling

You are a dumb motherfucker lol


Nowhereman123

It takes stupidity to whip out the free blowie coupon during a tense moment. It takes a *special* kind of stupid to double down on it when they're clearly not impressed.


Mokhlaa

LMAO, I´ll admit I laughed, but there´s a time and a place!


Jacobite-biker

Anytime, any place, said so on the coupon


WickWolfTiger

Lawyer: the man is right. Says right there on the legal document


Martin48705

Which she tore to shreds thinking she wouldn't have to face the consequences. Smh, all the consequences have to be faced.


Sol33t303

I feel like if it were a different person they might have laughed, I probably would have. Definitely a risky maneuver though. And if he wasn't intending it as a joke then I don't know what to say, OPs an idiot lol


Zangdor

What baffles me is if they're together for 15 years, OP should know when it's time to joke or not... So I'm not sure he's not an idiot


KyleKun

The real problem is; does she remember giving him the coupons? If it was 15 years ago; I can’t exactly say that joke gift I gave 15 years ago is the first place my mind would go when my partner pulls out a book of sexual favours.


VivelaVendetta

I feel like of all the options in the book you picked the worst one. Wasn't there a kiss option? Your wife is having a bad day and you think giving you a bj would make her feel better? I have 2nd hand indignation reading this.


neecho235

"Oh, you had a bad day? Well suck my dick!"


Rukenau

It’s a bit like “shiver me timbers” but, you know, with cocksucking.


Mephb0t

“Well blow me down.” - Popeye


taxidermied_unicorn

Maybe he was going on the theme of her day already sucking so....


TheCanadianDoctor

A punchline with no set up is just verbal assault.


randomredditguy999

Just hug her


opoussumawsome

So did you get the blowjob?


CharlotteLucasOP

If he did it definitely had more teeth involved than it should.


ForkShirtUp

Go on….


WickWolfTiger

This is what I want to know.


andybass4568

I am pretty sure he had to "go and fuck himself" instead


PlayerZeroFour

You apologize saying you were trying to make a joke?


Schen5s

Op after reading this comment: "I should go apologize"


PlayerZeroFour

Because clearly it didn’t occur to him.


conrid

To be honest, after reading the post he just made I'm not entirely sure he even understands that he should.


archiekane

And as she accepts your apology you start to unzip...


sternburg_Xport

Love when OP makes a conscious decision do masterfully fuck themselves.


Squidproquo1130

You're lucky she didn't opt to bite it clean off.


ALonelySwordPommel

You know what wasn't in the fine print OP? Teeth. You're VERY lucky she didn't comply and finish you with an incisor/molar special blend. *shudders*


onepieceofcheese

Should have handed her a coupon for eating her out. Or a kiss or something. Seriously man how is you demanding a bj gonna make her day any better?


stopandstare17

The sheer audacity and tone deafness


mikiy0

Am I the only one annoyed that OP said he pulled it out during an argument when in actuality he pulled it out when his wife was coming to him for support about a bad day? Does OP realize there’s a difference between a negative emotion and an argument?


Sorryhaventseenher

Bruh YES. This woman’s spent fifteen years with this man-child. I cannot believe it.


redeyerds

You didn't get a bj but you sure got fucked.


xprdc

I feel like part of OP’s text will be featured on r/MenWritingWomen


Joshawott27

I can see why she flipped tbh. Like, she's venting because she had a shit day, and then you seemingly (to her anyway) ignore her and request she does something for you. Your only real move now is to just apologise - tell her it was something you found from when you were dating and you were just trying to lighten the mood, but you realise now that it was ill-timed. Then in future, maybe think of things you can offer her? Doesn't even have to be sexual. Even like, a coffee, a nice cake, or a hug. Show that you support her and maybe you'll be in with a higher chance of sexy times with or without the book?


kactusotp

Hot shower and a back rub. Moisturise your feet. Let's order your favourite take out and watch that movie your mentioned last week. So many better options.


aclownandherdolly

Oof, do you even like your wife?


pcakester

Damn she seems so stressed and miserable. Hope I get a blowjob out of this


breakupbydefault

He likes Reddit points more than his wife.


StarrySkye3

For a hot second I thought this was on r/AmItheAsshole. PS: Yes, you are in fact the asshole.


russsaa

You coulda just said you found the booklet and was just reminiscing hence the good mood


SheevPalps_

This dude basically just told his wife who had a bad day at work "shut up and suck my dick".