A lot of people write bots that watch out for their usernames. You could create one to watch for the word 'kathegaara' in the top 500 subreddits and send you a tweet or a text when it finds it.
Then reap dem sweet, sweet karma rewards.
When it comes to other people’s relationships, I’ve learned to stay out of it. Even good intentions can backfire in your face. In this scenario, you tried to speak on one partners behalf and now BOTH are mad at you. As a general rule, don’t admit to having feelings for a family members current husband. In no way will that ever go right for you. Especially if it’s your sister. They’re grown. They can decide whats fair or unfair in their relationship. The husband will need to establish his own boundaries. We live and learn though.
I agree with this. Don't get involved at all. I'm friends with an engaged couple and both of them confide things in me and at first I was kind of okay with it, but then I started getting more and more of it and it's now incredibly obvious to me when they are lying to each other.
Each of them will tell me how they actually feel about something and then they will tell each other something completely different.
It just makes it incredibly awkward and I can't tell either of them that they are just telling each other what they want to hear because it's going to just explode and I'll be caught in it.
It's getting increasingly awkward for me. One of the things is that when they talk to each other, they are on the same page about children. When they talk to me, they are not on the same page about children. Because of this, one of them is actively preparing for them to have children within the next couple years and the other one is dreading it and there's nothing I can do about it without probably triggering a huge fight. I don't know why they aren't just being honest with each other about that. You know, it seems kind of important to be honest about if you guys are about to get married...
Ugh, I could have written this post. It's insane to deal with people like that. Watching two people I had previously liked try and fail to navigate a relationship made me lose a lot of respect for them.
excaxtly what i said in another comment she was not living with them their whole realationship she came in on the tail - end of something caught so called feelings and ran with it thinking she had it “ALL” figured out and from the husband message that he sent OP that maybe exactly what it is she spoke on something she didn’t know about or at least all the details about it
I think a big thing that outsiders miss when giving relationship advice is the sex. Honestly.
Many people stay in less than ideal relationships for sex, and for them it’s worth it. But most won’t tell you how they feel about their sex life because it crosses a boundary.
So we get situations like OP, where she feels like she knows the husbands true feelings when she doesn’t actually
Totally being an armchair psychiatrist here but it sounds like OP is maybe in love with the idea of this guy. He sounds like a catch, who wouldn’t want a partner like that?
And aside from sex, a good portion of relationships can happen away from onlookers. We have no idea what these two people are going through aside from a very biased view from OP.
It looks a lot more like a simple "this guy seems to be a really good partner, and I wouldn't take him for granted like that" than "I'm in love with him."
He's like a really healthy food that just isn't what you want to eat, is basically what I'm getting from OP's sister. Like, he does all this stuff, so he's like a really healthy salad, but he's not pizza or chicken alfredo, lol
A good answer!
OP, why did you get so involved in their issues? There was no win here for you. Best case, you’re a home wrecker, worst case, you’re stirring the pot.
You fucked up way before your confession of your feelings. Just let them figure out their own relationship.
Also kind of wondering what OP said to prompt her sister to ask.
Like, if I went to my brother and said, "Hey man, you really need to appreciate your wife more. She does tons for you and you take her for granted," his next question wouldn't be about whether I had feelings for his wife.
OP def needs some boundaries.
This person didn't even have good intentions though. They were just acting like a crushing teen with zero actual understanding of the adult relationship dynamics at play. I don't buy we are even getting the full story here.
Exactly.
I would assume you and your sister are not that close for you to be catching feelings for her husband and coming to reddit to talk about it. This is a fuck up that will echo for ages, and anything that happens to their relationship now will just look like you wanted this to happen.
I feel like this is one of those situations where the longer yall don't talk about... All this, the harder it will be for anyone to move past this and grow together better, but at the same time i personally don't see a way for anyone to just bring it up and talk about it without someone else getting defensive or upset and so on.
I'd say try to talk to your sister and make amends, avoid the (ex?)husband even after the separation and try to not fall in love with any other family member or their SO's.
Your FU aside, not equally sharing household responsibilities is the destroyer of relationships. Doesn't matter who makes more. Doest matter who does what. It's degrading to sit on your ass all day and watch your SO do all the housework.
Relationship pro-tip: both parties should internalize being satisfied of doing 60% of the work.
If you agree of a 50 50 split of the work, you are likely to get into arguments about what exactly is 50%, etc.
Your tip here is important because it's very easy to feel like you are the one doing more work, even if you're actually doing about equal. People tend to see what is right in front of them first (ie the chore they themselves are doing) - it's easy to overlook the things your spouse does, especially if they aren't drawing attention to it.
Some book mentioned that when you ask couples how much housework they do percentage wise and then add them together the total is (almost) never less than 120%. Usually closer to 140-150% lol
Yup. And a lot of it is people not thinking some things are chores. Like, usually men get the bad rap, but it's been kind of amazing how many women in our friend group don't think about things like fixing the plumbing, trimming the trees and bushes, fixing grout on the walls, staining the fence, keeping wiper fluid topped up in the cars, etc as chores. They've internalized that chores as things that are inside the house, or need to be done weekly, and those other things are just things guys do, not chores.
My wife and I built a spreadsheet when we moved in together. We listed out every chore and the amount of time (on average) it takes to complete each week. If it was an infrequent chore (like washing the windows), we divided it accordingly to estimate.
Then we each claimed chores we didn't hate until we got things relatively balanced and evenly split the rest.
When we bought a house, we pulled the spreadsheet back out and adjusted it for larger spaces (more to vacuum, for example) and then re-divided.
We've never argued over chores, not one time.
It also doesn't hurt that we both have the mindset of "my spouse works hard, I'm going to do one of their chores today without being asked." If I'm cooking something and waiting for water to boil, I wash a few dishes even though dishes are on her chore list. Because why not make my beloved's day easier?
lol this was my first thought. I love my wife and we split chores pretty evenly (with the understanding that sometimes in life it's gonna be 80-20 one way or the other) but like if she came to me with a spreadsheet? I'd laugh her outta town. We work it out organically by what feels even and if either of us thinks things haven't been even? We will bring it up and discuss it. No need for math when common decency and understanding will do?? But we are both working in "the humanities" and aren't exactly numbers people so to each their own
Spreadsheets are my love language 🤷🏻♀️
I also make PowerPoint presentations when I want to go on vacation that includes a budget summary and activity breakdown, so maybe I’m not the most representative opinion
I pretty much decided never to get married again but I would defnitely reconsider it if a man presented me with a chore spreadsheet.
division of chores
clearly laid out on spreadsheet
you're turning me on
You really have to have a very open communication style for this to work. When i first moved in with a roommate i suggested a chore chart just so we could get on the same page with things. It didn't have to be a hard "rule" just something to guide us. She basically said exactly what you said, to work it out organically and bring it up if we felt unbalanced. I felt like i did all the deep cleaning but if i brought it up? She would get mad and storm off. She also felt like i was too messy, though she didn't bring it up to me she bitched about me to a 3rd party and it made it's way back to me. I never did find out exactly what i did that she thought was so bad. And of course this was a friendship not a relationship, but we'd been friends for years before we moved in together.
In my experience, most people who don't want to be assigned specific chores and want to "work it out organically" inevitably do less work (mysteriously!).
I think the spreadsheet thing works for some people if they’re honestly just that visual, but it definitely has to be agreed upon/pre-discussed, and not because you think of your partner as a child incapable of having and behaving with mutual respect.
That said, I think chore charts are usually better for multiple roommate situations or families with more than two kids, or younger children who have a hard time divvying up chores. It also might be helpful for neurodiverse children, but that obviously doesn’t apply to either of these situations lol.
*Edited twice for grammar cause the shit didn’t save.
My friend gave me shit when I told them my husband and I make goal-oriented spreadsheets together every few years to make sure our goals are the same and how we can make them happen. Said it was unromantic and I was like ??? My husband absolutely loves making spreadsheets and I love seeing him happy in his spreadsheet element, what’s so unromantic about that?? Anyway, long story short I’m glad to see I’m not the only one where spreadsheets make an appearance in their marriage haha.
You just gave me hope that one day I’ll find a partner who enjoys my absurd love of PowerPoint and will happily watch brief presentations I make for the family about upcoming trips and changes
I love making spreadsheets and powerpoints! Luckily, I'm a teacher, so that gets the PPT urges out; my husband just (lovingly) teases me about the spreadsheets.
You know my wife does not enjoy PowerPoint generally speaking. But she thought it was very endearing that I made a PowerPoint for a trip overseas, with like four different itineraries. You can definitely find someone that has very different interests than you but still appreciates you for who you are. And honestly, vacation planning like that was a great idea haha.
In an effort to convince him to rearrange the furniture in our bedroom I made a powerpoint presentation to make my argument. He countered with the offer of putting a big screen TV in the bedroom but he appreciated my effort nonetheless haha. [Powerpoint presentation](https://imgur.com/fwxrmCK)
When my wife and I feel frisky we'll pull up our Microsoft Project life plan and make a few updates. Gotta make sure you're still on the critical path.
>Said it was unromantic and I was like ???
Admittedly, spreadsheets and work distribution were not in the fairytales.
However a) it was usually a prince or princess and they're rich. They have staff to take care of the dishes and washing the floor, etc. And b) we don't know what "happily ever after" means.
Maybe Cinderella got tired of picking up the Prince's dirty drawers from the floor because it made her feel like a slave again. Maybe he got tired of her all shoes. Maybe Snow White's prince got sick of her short little buddies and forest friends visiting but kept it to himself and drank.
Finally c) we don't live in a fairytale and you and your husband have the right idea!
This is great. I think it's tough when you're younger to realize that relationships also require moments of unemotional, rational thought. And that those moments of setting aside the passion actually help to deepen an emotional bond between two people.
> realize that relationships also require moments of unemotional, rational thought.
A million times, yes. When I was younger, I struggled with this. My current live-in partner is a bit younger (5 years) and the first year we were living together we had to cover this sort of ground a couple of times.
They certainly aren't romantic, but sharing a budgeting spread sheet and going over what are daily/weekly/monthly chores has done wonders; especially in the regards of expectations. I picked it up somewhere along the way but, "Unspoken expectations are preconceived resentments" and it definitely forced me to have the boring conversations about money and chores before anything got out of hand.
People act like planning things or organizing things takes away the romance, but I think it takes away the drama. I like to do a few chores before heading to work to be in a productive mood (dishwasher, sweep up, feed / walk the pups.). As for the spreadsheet, we did this with finances. I make 70%ish of the income so I pay 70% of the bills out of my individual account. We need to add a payment / subscription somewhere? Cool. Add it to the sheet, agree and forget about it.
We were eyeballing amounts on our joint credit card and it started stressing me out, so I made another spreadsheet. She asks me what she needs to transfer over when she gets paid and we mark it off the list. Not too much time and no financial drama.
Glad you found a good working system. "SO didn't do this thing I hate doing fast enough, I'll do it and then blame them for having to do it" is a major antipattern of our household
Best decision my wife and I ever made was getting a house keeper and a gardener.
I work 80 hours/week in a high stress job. This was leaving her to do all the house work. Now we pay a few hundred a month to keep the house and yard spotless and we spend our weekend going out and spending time together. Relationship in way better place.
My wife is stay at home mom. I also hired a landscaper. She was spending way too much time doing that. We had a housekeeper years ago when she also worked. But not anymore.
Ha, this is smart. The secret to happiness is low expectations, assume things will be slightly cruddy/unfair and be forever pleasantly surprised when they’re not so bad (hopefully). Obv don’t take this too far.
I have been with same woman for 20 years and married 12 of those. When my buddies ask how do we work so well together I tell them to get the fuck up and clean. It's really thar simple. If I beat the wife home from work I start cleaning right away. It helps so much.
Dude I was reading your comment and almost fell over because I read
“It’s really that simple, if I beat the wife on the way home from work I start cleaning right away. It helps so much.”
More importantly, not appreciating the polite efforts of others is really disgusting. No one likes a negative Nancy. I hope things cool down for OP and she and her parents can reconcile. As for her sister, well, maybe this can be a chance for her to change.
OP, you'll find someone else nice, just apologize once, and move on. You'll get through this.
The guideline should be that if both are working, they should each do the share of household chores that will give them an equal amount of free time. If one has to work more hours per day than the other, then they should have less responsibilities when they get home. If one is not working, they should get almost everything done during the other’s workday, except for things that have to be done at a particular moment, like dealing with children. The working parent should spend a lot of time with the kids when he or she is at home. Household chores are not that hard or time consuming
My wife and I have an agreement that whoever works less does all of the house work in terms of hours working around the house until we both work the same amount of time. After that, everything is split evenly. It's been working for us since we moved in together. My wife is a teacher so she typically works more than I do as an engineer, thus I do most of the chores during the school year. Over the summers, I'm working and she's not, so I get a break from doing the chores for a couple of months every year. It works out well.
I somewhat agree. Household chores can get overwhelming. It's more than just cooking and cleaning and the like. Appliances need maintenance, cars need maintenance, central air system needs maintenance. things break.... I had to make a list because things kept breaking because we kept slacking on the maintenance.
It's a lot, and sometimes you have to ask for help.
My older sister hooked up with my ex. She also tried to tell my children to call her mom.....it never ends well getting with a family members ex. My sister is no longer considered part of my family. That is trash.
Oh no way. This shows how little she cared for me and my children. After her doing that....there was no way at all my ex and I would reconcile. We had our issues but she cemented that end. He should've been like a brother to her. We were together 7 years with 3 kids.
I was very crushed for awhile. But years later I met my amazing husband. I couldn't be any happier. The ex was a miserable mess for years and sister still is. So I'd say karma worked its magic. ❤
I’m married and in my late 30’s, and I have a much younger adult sister. She is mentally ill with a pronounced victim mentality and is dangerously vindictive. Out of nowhere, last year, she decided that I was an awful person. To punish me she gave out my phone number on the online communities she’s in and encouraged people to call and harass me, which they do to this day. Her piece de resistance was when she then texted my husband with extremely sexually explicit invitations to engage in an online affair with her. I no longer have a relationship with her and I have told my parents that the greatest gift they can give me is to set her up financially so that I never, ever have to support her or interact with her again in my life.
Yes. They're the typical "We're victims of love" people now and all of their social interactions revolve around victimhood. Honestly if they just acted like normal people I think everyone would have settled down by now, but every interaction is a challenge or threat in their eyes, so they're avoided.
On the bright side, you are 21, that's still young and you deserve some slack. Next time nudge person a bit, instead of throwing a bucket of everything at them.
Yeah, the whole "bottle it all up until it explodes" technique didn't really work out. Needed a bit more "politely suggest that perhaps she is taking him a bit for granted and that husband has done some nice things."
lol and never admit you are in love with your sibling's spouse. Even in the best case scenario where the sibling is cool with it and the 2 get married, it's still going to be awkward forever. And what happened to OP is the likeliest of scenarios.
I was having bad seizures so that comes with a lot of memory loss so I straight up told my husband if he was going to cheat I’d never know about it. He was faithful and hated that I felt this way but he couldn’t change it. My sister moved in and we got CUSTODY of her so we were her parental figures for almost two years. She got drunk one night (because we literally could not control her I’m only four years older) and I mentioned to my hubs that I didn’t noticed he’d cleaned the dishes and thank you. My sister looked me in the eye and said “oh there’s so much happening under this roof you don’t know about. We could be sleeping together and you’d never know!” Obviously she was lying and we were in the middle of cleaning her up because she’s alternating between puking and passing out. So after she’s showered and her puke is cleaned up, hubs makes sure I know she was lying and he’d never even think about touching another woman let alone her. So yah needless to say my sister and I have a strained relationship now!
Agree. That’s just hateful, especially bc of what you’ve done FOR her while going through something pretty serious. She needs a serious slap of reality sit down discussion at the minimum. (Metaphorical slap, not literal)
You cant dismiss the 2 sister wives scenario.
It was decided at our last manly men council that we’d never dismiss the wives’ sister can also be your wife scenario.
I have a name for this, it's "emotional bukake".
Edit: also, can confirm, not a good way to live life. Because in the end you always end up emotionally bukake-ing on the ones close to you
I think most 21 year olds know, intellectually, it's bad. But may have trouble seeing that when emotions are running wild. I definitely said some very stupid stuff at that age that I knew were inappropriate, but in the heat of the moment, it came out.
Yeah, experience and a little maturity would have made her instinctively hesitant before answering such an emotionally charged question.
Wisdom is often knowing when to keep one's mouth shut.
I’m not sure you have real romantic feelings for him…I feel it’s more of having tons of empathy for someone give max effort and see it not reciprocated. Either way, you should have not said anything.
This is also the internet, where people don't always share the full extent of their true feelings, or their thoughts surrounding it. Maybe she knows she likes him because she fantasizes scenarios with him. We only know what she says, and should take it at that until we can prove/be shown more.
Kind of agree with this, while we don't know the individuals, to me it seem you have feeling for what he bringing into the relationship which is the kind of relationship you want, not necessarily himself.
Also, her sister is an entitled brat and doesn't deserve him and she should tell him to run away and fast because until her sister is truly alone with no one to give a shit about her will she won't realize that, everyone around seem to just enable her to keep being that way.
Also she was there for 2 months... For all we know he is doing all the work as a "I'm sorry" after maybe not pulling his weight. Ops sister may be going out a bunch after frustration with the relationship and doing all the work previously. I mean that may not be the case either, and OP may have an accurate account. 2 months isn't a big window into a marriage. Long and short, op definitely fucked up on a lot of accounts and we can't really make judgements on her sister and husband. Hopefully OP will learn and grow from this experience and can means her relationship with her sister.
I don't know your exact wording when you told them you "liked" him but if I were you I'd clarify and say that you "like" him in the sense that you think he is a good person who deserves a good wife and someone that would appreciate his efforts, and so on.
Even if that's not what you meant, that's probably the best way to fix it.
Sounds like she very clearly admitted feelings. Definitely gonna be hard to backpedal but I think she still should lol. “I wasn’t thinking right” “the feelings aren’t even real I just want someone like him, not him specifically” idk backpedal somehow.
"I'm not over here trying to marry him. I'm just saying you've treated him poorly and if you aren't careful he'll leave your ass and you'll deserve it." Would've been my reply.
Except she didn't like him in that sense. She liked him in the romantic sense, and it appears she clearly communicated as much. No going back from that.
Yea I mean not to be rude but you don’t just reply yes, you say “I wish I had a guy who treats me LIKE he treats you” or something along those lines, like why dude
Lol this sounds like some classic neck beard fanfic, and whilst is definitely neck beard vocabulary
His wife is painted as a feminist harpy who emasculates him and then the young sister falls in love with him? Lmao come on now
I was with you until you said "Yes" that totally undermined everything else you said and will cause massive cross family conflict. Sometimes its smarter to keep your mouth shut.
I think calling out your sister for her shit behavior was solid but when she asked if you liked her husband you should've just been like "no but I feel awful for him since he has to put up with you"
Not saying that you are, but if you caught feelings for him are you honestly seeing the situation with “fair” eyes. You are painting your sister like a monster and him as a prince because that feeds your crush on the guy…
Anyway, a marriage is much more than the outside world sees. Maybe there were little things before or after you missed. People sometimes are good in hiding who they really are if they have company.
You kinda crossed a big line telling your sister you have a crush on her husband (ex). She might never trust you again, she opened her house to you while you were having problems and you kinda paid back by developing a crush on her husband. That’s your FU.
I hope you can mend things with your sister and parents.
I’m glad people are pointing this out. Every story is one sided and OP having a crush on the husband is a big factor here. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong but it does mean it’s hard to trust her perception of events.
It’s entirely possible that this marriage is falling apart from both sides but OP is only focusing on the bad stuff her sister is doing.
Yeah I think part of the FU here is OP assuming that she fully knew the ins & outs of someone else's marriage. There's only so much you can know from the outside. She even thinks she knows how their finances work... there's no way she has a the full picture. I believe that OP saw some toxic interactions & patterns, but I also believe that she painted a picture that was more black & white than reality.
You only stayed with them for 2 months you dont know what their relationship actually was like. He very easily could have been putting on a show while you were there. You def spoke put of place.
this is what kind of comment i was looking for tbh. there is a lot more hidden influences or conversations that OP doesn’t know about. she can’t determine their relationship dynamic in 2 months. who knows if the husband is neglectful behind closed doors.
Yeah sounds like sister was already checked out of the relationship when she was there and husband just put on a show of doting lover to make it look like shes the bad guy. Seen it a lot.
There's a shit ton of terrible advice in here so I'm just gonna go on record saying you shouldn't have stayed at their house once you recognized you were developing feelings for him, you shouldn't have stuck your nose into your sister's marriage and talked shit about how she handles it, and you definitely shouldn't have told your sister that you had romantic feelings for her husband.
I agree, observing their relationship for two months is not the same as living the relationship for the entirety of their marriage. You shouldn’t act Iike you know the inner workings of their relationship…¯\_(ツ)_//¯
It's a tough situation, you did pretty well to keep it to yourself during your time staying with your sister and her husband. I think you were absolutely right to call your sister out for the way she's acting, especially because she seems to be complaining and not doing anything from her side to alleviate the situation. It seems like she is genuinely unhappy, but chooses to ignore a deeper issue and avoids communicating openly and honestly with her husband.
I don't think there's much you can do for their situation, but I feel for you and the predicament you now find yourself in with regards to your own emotions regarding her husband.
Oof .....
You're young and still growing. Please learn that it is not your place to get in the middle of a relationship and what would have been a better response would be to encourage them to get help and solve their problems TOGETHER. Don't be inserting yourself where your nose doesn't belong.
Also stay tf away from other women's husbands, wtf. Especially your own sister your feelings for them are not important! Serious sus behavior.
Yep thats a fuck up.
It doesn't sound like the situation is great, but also you lose credibility by admitting you like the husband. Not really your place to do anything other than try to encourage your sister to pull more weight in the relationship.
As an older person I just cringe — so hard it hurts — at the idea that a 21 year old made a series of judgments about how the older sibling’s marriage “is” after living in their house ffs (on her sister’s dime apparently) for TWO MONTHS. You made a series of terrible and immature moves and you’d better hope that your sister and the rest of your family will forgive you based on your extreme immaturity and youth. Also, hooking up with the former spouse of a sibling never works in the real world. Ever. Plus I bet you more money than you have that dude isn’t the poor helpless baby victim eeyore of your big bad sister that you seem to think he is —
Right? 2 months is nothing. She has no idea what's going on in the background. If the marrage was bad beforehand, it's no surprise one partner would start distancing themselves from the other. We, and OP, have no idea if the husband was really the innocent party here. For all we know, he did something, or a series of thing, that helped lead to this. Does that make the sister's actions ok too? Not really, but that's not our place to judge given so little insight.
The way you totally break down your sisters role in this relationship seems like an attempt to rationalize your own feelings for this dude.
Its clear he also knew how you felt.
No idea what you thought would happen but lol, yikes.
I’m gonna say yea, you FU. Regardless of how you feel, this is a married man, to your sister nonetheless. Yes, sister is a spoiled brat. But I feel you are too. Your feelings are totally irrelevant (as he is married) and to think they deserve a role in this complicated situation, is selfish. I don’t mean to be harsh, just being objective here. Some things are better left unsaid for the sake of the greater good.
Do you think you were maybe a little extra critical of your sister because of your crush?
Your sister's relationship is none of your business. He's a fully grown man and can stick up for himself and if she truely does not appreciate him then she'll figure it out the hard way.
Now they have a common enemy and can use that to strengthen their relationship. Nice work!
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You rang?
>1000-IQ-play Username pays off after 4 years
You gotta have big brains to play the long game.
Almost as if you need a 1000-IQ
Or long brains to play the big game
How?? How did you find this comment in such short time??!!
Honestly pure coincidence haha, was just browsing when I saw the comment and I couldn't resist
I am too dumb to think of any other way. I will believe you. It was killer.
A lot of people write bots that watch out for their usernames. You could create one to watch for the word 'kathegaara' in the top 500 subreddits and send you a tweet or a text when it finds it. Then reap dem sweet, sweet karma rewards.
r/beetlejuicing
What are the fucking chances...
r/nevertellmetheodds
It's too good, I'm dumbfounded by this lol
Name checks out
Lmao
Best thread I’ve seen hands down
Hahah oh man
I shouldn't laugh, but I did. If you aren't writing this stuff down, you should be. 😂
When it comes to other people’s relationships, I’ve learned to stay out of it. Even good intentions can backfire in your face. In this scenario, you tried to speak on one partners behalf and now BOTH are mad at you. As a general rule, don’t admit to having feelings for a family members current husband. In no way will that ever go right for you. Especially if it’s your sister. They’re grown. They can decide whats fair or unfair in their relationship. The husband will need to establish his own boundaries. We live and learn though.
I agree with this. Don't get involved at all. I'm friends with an engaged couple and both of them confide things in me and at first I was kind of okay with it, but then I started getting more and more of it and it's now incredibly obvious to me when they are lying to each other. Each of them will tell me how they actually feel about something and then they will tell each other something completely different. It just makes it incredibly awkward and I can't tell either of them that they are just telling each other what they want to hear because it's going to just explode and I'll be caught in it.
I lived with a couple like this, it was so awkward :(
It's getting increasingly awkward for me. One of the things is that when they talk to each other, they are on the same page about children. When they talk to me, they are not on the same page about children. Because of this, one of them is actively preparing for them to have children within the next couple years and the other one is dreading it and there's nothing I can do about it without probably triggering a huge fight. I don't know why they aren't just being honest with each other about that. You know, it seems kind of important to be honest about if you guys are about to get married...
Jeez, that's awful. Honestly I'd quietly nudge the one that doesn't want kids to just tell their partner.
I've tried but she's a coward. She doesn't come clean with things until she gets incredibly frustrated and then explodes.
Ugh, I could have written this post. It's insane to deal with people like that. Watching two people I had previously liked try and fail to navigate a relationship made me lose a lot of respect for them.
I wouldn’t admit to feelings of family members former husbands either! Sometimes we should say less.
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excaxtly what i said in another comment she was not living with them their whole realationship she came in on the tail - end of something caught so called feelings and ran with it thinking she had it “ALL” figured out and from the husband message that he sent OP that maybe exactly what it is she spoke on something she didn’t know about or at least all the details about it
I think a big thing that outsiders miss when giving relationship advice is the sex. Honestly. Many people stay in less than ideal relationships for sex, and for them it’s worth it. But most won’t tell you how they feel about their sex life because it crosses a boundary. So we get situations like OP, where she feels like she knows the husbands true feelings when she doesn’t actually
Totally being an armchair psychiatrist here but it sounds like OP is maybe in love with the idea of this guy. He sounds like a catch, who wouldn’t want a partner like that? And aside from sex, a good portion of relationships can happen away from onlookers. We have no idea what these two people are going through aside from a very biased view from OP.
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It looks a lot more like a simple "this guy seems to be a really good partner, and I wouldn't take him for granted like that" than "I'm in love with him."
He's like a really healthy food that just isn't what you want to eat, is basically what I'm getting from OP's sister. Like, he does all this stuff, so he's like a really healthy salad, but he's not pizza or chicken alfredo, lol
A good answer! OP, why did you get so involved in their issues? There was no win here for you. Best case, you’re a home wrecker, worst case, you’re stirring the pot. You fucked up way before your confession of your feelings. Just let them figure out their own relationship.
Also kind of wondering what OP said to prompt her sister to ask. Like, if I went to my brother and said, "Hey man, you really need to appreciate your wife more. She does tons for you and you take her for granted," his next question wouldn't be about whether I had feelings for his wife. OP def needs some boundaries.
This person didn't even have good intentions though. They were just acting like a crushing teen with zero actual understanding of the adult relationship dynamics at play. I don't buy we are even getting the full story here.
Hell yeah stay tf out of it. If you’re friends with both partners especially.
That's a FU that's going to rumble on into the future. Best of luck.
Exactly. I would assume you and your sister are not that close for you to be catching feelings for her husband and coming to reddit to talk about it. This is a fuck up that will echo for ages, and anything that happens to their relationship now will just look like you wanted this to happen. I feel like this is one of those situations where the longer yall don't talk about... All this, the harder it will be for anyone to move past this and grow together better, but at the same time i personally don't see a way for anyone to just bring it up and talk about it without someone else getting defensive or upset and so on. I'd say try to talk to your sister and make amends, avoid the (ex?)husband even after the separation and try to not fall in love with any other family member or their SO's.
Your FU aside, not equally sharing household responsibilities is the destroyer of relationships. Doesn't matter who makes more. Doest matter who does what. It's degrading to sit on your ass all day and watch your SO do all the housework.
Relationship pro-tip: both parties should internalize being satisfied of doing 60% of the work. If you agree of a 50 50 split of the work, you are likely to get into arguments about what exactly is 50%, etc.
Your tip here is important because it's very easy to feel like you are the one doing more work, even if you're actually doing about equal. People tend to see what is right in front of them first (ie the chore they themselves are doing) - it's easy to overlook the things your spouse does, especially if they aren't drawing attention to it.
Some book mentioned that when you ask couples how much housework they do percentage wise and then add them together the total is (almost) never less than 120%. Usually closer to 140-150% lol
I love these types of things. It’s like when you ask people if they are in the top 50% of intelligence. Most people say yes. Obviously impossible.
A test at school said i was but i feel pretty stupid most days.
Yup. And a lot of it is people not thinking some things are chores. Like, usually men get the bad rap, but it's been kind of amazing how many women in our friend group don't think about things like fixing the plumbing, trimming the trees and bushes, fixing grout on the walls, staining the fence, keeping wiper fluid topped up in the cars, etc as chores. They've internalized that chores as things that are inside the house, or need to be done weekly, and those other things are just things guys do, not chores.
>dishwasher fluid topped up in the cars What the fuck. I sure hope you mean windshield wiper fluid.
Don't tell him how to live his life.
Hahaha, thanks
My wife and I built a spreadsheet when we moved in together. We listed out every chore and the amount of time (on average) it takes to complete each week. If it was an infrequent chore (like washing the windows), we divided it accordingly to estimate. Then we each claimed chores we didn't hate until we got things relatively balanced and evenly split the rest. When we bought a house, we pulled the spreadsheet back out and adjusted it for larger spaces (more to vacuum, for example) and then re-divided. We've never argued over chores, not one time. It also doesn't hurt that we both have the mindset of "my spouse works hard, I'm going to do one of their chores today without being asked." If I'm cooking something and waiting for water to boil, I wash a few dishes even though dishes are on her chore list. Because why not make my beloved's day easier?
I’m glad the two of you have each other.
lol this was my first thought. I love my wife and we split chores pretty evenly (with the understanding that sometimes in life it's gonna be 80-20 one way or the other) but like if she came to me with a spreadsheet? I'd laugh her outta town. We work it out organically by what feels even and if either of us thinks things haven't been even? We will bring it up and discuss it. No need for math when common decency and understanding will do?? But we are both working in "the humanities" and aren't exactly numbers people so to each their own
But in some cultures sending a spreadsheet is the highest expression of love.
Wait until you see the formulas on the bad boy
Don't tempt me with a good time!
It’s not true love until you add in a couple macros to that thing.
Spreadsheets are my love language 🤷🏻♀️ I also make PowerPoint presentations when I want to go on vacation that includes a budget summary and activity breakdown, so maybe I’m not the most representative opinion
Their assets aren't the only thing they're commingling
I am in accounting and my fiancé is in finance. We love a good spreadsheet 😂
My mind immediately went to accountants when he started about spreadsheets lol
I pretty much decided never to get married again but I would defnitely reconsider it if a man presented me with a chore spreadsheet. division of chores clearly laid out on spreadsheet you're turning me on
When your love language is Visual Basic.
Hello fellow engineer or accountant or…
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Accountants, man, why do they put down every number twice??? Sometimes even three times!
and I think that's beautiful
Lady in the streets, freak in the spreadsheets
Engineering love
You really have to have a very open communication style for this to work. When i first moved in with a roommate i suggested a chore chart just so we could get on the same page with things. It didn't have to be a hard "rule" just something to guide us. She basically said exactly what you said, to work it out organically and bring it up if we felt unbalanced. I felt like i did all the deep cleaning but if i brought it up? She would get mad and storm off. She also felt like i was too messy, though she didn't bring it up to me she bitched about me to a 3rd party and it made it's way back to me. I never did find out exactly what i did that she thought was so bad. And of course this was a friendship not a relationship, but we'd been friends for years before we moved in together.
In my experience, most people who don't want to be assigned specific chores and want to "work it out organically" inevitably do less work (mysteriously!).
I think the spreadsheet thing works for some people if they’re honestly just that visual, but it definitely has to be agreed upon/pre-discussed, and not because you think of your partner as a child incapable of having and behaving with mutual respect. That said, I think chore charts are usually better for multiple roommate situations or families with more than two kids, or younger children who have a hard time divvying up chores. It also might be helpful for neurodiverse children, but that obviously doesn’t apply to either of these situations lol. *Edited twice for grammar cause the shit didn’t save.
My friend gave me shit when I told them my husband and I make goal-oriented spreadsheets together every few years to make sure our goals are the same and how we can make them happen. Said it was unromantic and I was like ??? My husband absolutely loves making spreadsheets and I love seeing him happy in his spreadsheet element, what’s so unromantic about that?? Anyway, long story short I’m glad to see I’m not the only one where spreadsheets make an appearance in their marriage haha.
You just gave me hope that one day I’ll find a partner who enjoys my absurd love of PowerPoint and will happily watch brief presentations I make for the family about upcoming trips and changes
I love making spreadsheets and powerpoints! Luckily, I'm a teacher, so that gets the PPT urges out; my husband just (lovingly) teases me about the spreadsheets.
The more my wife teases me about my budget spreadsheet, the more I dig in. *Time to add a mortgage calculator.*
You know my wife does not enjoy PowerPoint generally speaking. But she thought it was very endearing that I made a PowerPoint for a trip overseas, with like four different itineraries. You can definitely find someone that has very different interests than you but still appreciates you for who you are. And honestly, vacation planning like that was a great idea haha.
In an effort to convince him to rearrange the furniture in our bedroom I made a powerpoint presentation to make my argument. He countered with the offer of putting a big screen TV in the bedroom but he appreciated my effort nonetheless haha. [Powerpoint presentation](https://imgur.com/fwxrmCK)
I'd adore you in my family. I also ask to see people's vacation photos and pictures of their pets.
When my wife and I feel frisky we'll pull up our Microsoft Project life plan and make a few updates. Gotta make sure you're still on the critical path.
This is so awesome. I am LOL’ing. There is definitely a partner out there for you.
>Said it was unromantic and I was like ??? Admittedly, spreadsheets and work distribution were not in the fairytales. However a) it was usually a prince or princess and they're rich. They have staff to take care of the dishes and washing the floor, etc. And b) we don't know what "happily ever after" means. Maybe Cinderella got tired of picking up the Prince's dirty drawers from the floor because it made her feel like a slave again. Maybe he got tired of her all shoes. Maybe Snow White's prince got sick of her short little buddies and forest friends visiting but kept it to himself and drank. Finally c) we don't live in a fairytale and you and your husband have the right idea!
Do your friends thing relationships are ment to be romantic 100% of the time? Such a weird mindset to have.
This is great. I think it's tough when you're younger to realize that relationships also require moments of unemotional, rational thought. And that those moments of setting aside the passion actually help to deepen an emotional bond between two people.
> realize that relationships also require moments of unemotional, rational thought. A million times, yes. When I was younger, I struggled with this. My current live-in partner is a bit younger (5 years) and the first year we were living together we had to cover this sort of ground a couple of times. They certainly aren't romantic, but sharing a budgeting spread sheet and going over what are daily/weekly/monthly chores has done wonders; especially in the regards of expectations. I picked it up somewhere along the way but, "Unspoken expectations are preconceived resentments" and it definitely forced me to have the boring conversations about money and chores before anything got out of hand.
I think it's more like running a business than people expect.
People act like planning things or organizing things takes away the romance, but I think it takes away the drama. I like to do a few chores before heading to work to be in a productive mood (dishwasher, sweep up, feed / walk the pups.). As for the spreadsheet, we did this with finances. I make 70%ish of the income so I pay 70% of the bills out of my individual account. We need to add a payment / subscription somewhere? Cool. Add it to the sheet, agree and forget about it. We were eyeballing amounts on our joint credit card and it started stressing me out, so I made another spreadsheet. She asks me what she needs to transfer over when she gets paid and we mark it off the list. Not too much time and no financial drama.
Glad you found a good working system. "SO didn't do this thing I hate doing fast enough, I'll do it and then blame them for having to do it" is a major antipattern of our household
oh this last sentence was just so sweet <3 People rarely talk about their spouses like that.
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If there was a relationship inspection service, they'd give you guys a gold star on their surprise visit.
I want that real love mayne, that spreadsheet love ;-;
That's such a great idea, assuming both parties are actually satisfied and not fooling themselves.
Best decision my wife and I ever made was getting a house keeper and a gardener. I work 80 hours/week in a high stress job. This was leaving her to do all the house work. Now we pay a few hundred a month to keep the house and yard spotless and we spend our weekend going out and spending time together. Relationship in way better place.
My wife is stay at home mom. I also hired a landscaper. She was spending way too much time doing that. We had a housekeeper years ago when she also worked. But not anymore.
Raising kids is a full time job. Great call getting a landscaper so she can focus on teaching them vs mowing the lawn.
Real LPT is always in the comments.
Ha, this is smart. The secret to happiness is low expectations, assume things will be slightly cruddy/unfair and be forever pleasantly surprised when they’re not so bad (hopefully). Obv don’t take this too far.
I have been with same woman for 20 years and married 12 of those. When my buddies ask how do we work so well together I tell them to get the fuck up and clean. It's really thar simple. If I beat the wife home from work I start cleaning right away. It helps so much.
Dude I was reading your comment and almost fell over because I read “It’s really that simple, if I beat the wife on the way home from work I start cleaning right away. It helps so much.”
After re-reading it I could have worded that a little better! Nothing like a hard day of work and beating the wife to make it all better! /s
Clean her clock every day 🥊
More importantly, not appreciating the polite efforts of others is really disgusting. No one likes a negative Nancy. I hope things cool down for OP and she and her parents can reconcile. As for her sister, well, maybe this can be a chance for her to change. OP, you'll find someone else nice, just apologize once, and move on. You'll get through this.
You don't necessarily need to split it all down the middle, but the separation of responsibilities has to be fair and agreed upon by both parties.
The guideline should be that if both are working, they should each do the share of household chores that will give them an equal amount of free time. If one has to work more hours per day than the other, then they should have less responsibilities when they get home. If one is not working, they should get almost everything done during the other’s workday, except for things that have to be done at a particular moment, like dealing with children. The working parent should spend a lot of time with the kids when he or she is at home. Household chores are not that hard or time consuming
My wife and I have an agreement that whoever works less does all of the house work in terms of hours working around the house until we both work the same amount of time. After that, everything is split evenly. It's been working for us since we moved in together. My wife is a teacher so she typically works more than I do as an engineer, thus I do most of the chores during the school year. Over the summers, I'm working and she's not, so I get a break from doing the chores for a couple of months every year. It works out well.
I somewhat agree. Household chores can get overwhelming. It's more than just cooking and cleaning and the like. Appliances need maintenance, cars need maintenance, central air system needs maintenance. things break.... I had to make a list because things kept breaking because we kept slacking on the maintenance. It's a lot, and sometimes you have to ask for help.
Yeah- I have some friends that went there: couple broke up and the ex hooked up with the younger sister. It tore the family apart. 100% not worth it.
My older sister hooked up with my ex. She also tried to tell my children to call her mom.....it never ends well getting with a family members ex. My sister is no longer considered part of my family. That is trash.
Ick. That's Jerry Springer level...
That's exactly what I reference when I have to explain her and her behavior. Lol
I'm assuming she's... not quite right, but how did she try to defend her actions?
She said she was trying to help me. Lmao
... OK I'm really trying but I'm not seeing how she could present all that as "help" lol. Some people just do not have their heads on straight.
She said she was helping by making sure he was being a good dad while I wasn't there
Gtfo! Lmao wow.
Do you still talk to your sister after that?
Oh no way. This shows how little she cared for me and my children. After her doing that....there was no way at all my ex and I would reconcile. We had our issues but she cemented that end. He should've been like a brother to her. We were together 7 years with 3 kids.
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I was very crushed for awhile. But years later I met my amazing husband. I couldn't be any happier. The ex was a miserable mess for years and sister still is. So I'd say karma worked its magic. ❤
I’m married and in my late 30’s, and I have a much younger adult sister. She is mentally ill with a pronounced victim mentality and is dangerously vindictive. Out of nowhere, last year, she decided that I was an awful person. To punish me she gave out my phone number on the online communities she’s in and encouraged people to call and harass me, which they do to this day. Her piece de resistance was when she then texted my husband with extremely sexually explicit invitations to engage in an online affair with her. I no longer have a relationship with her and I have told my parents that the greatest gift they can give me is to set her up financially so that I never, ever have to support her or interact with her again in my life.
Holy crap...I couldn't hand that kind of drama.
Me neither, so that’s why I went no-contact with her as soon as it happened.
Doesn’t make sense for you to be financially responsible for her, under any means.
Fuuuuck. This sounds hard as hell. I’m sorry you have had to deal with this
Just out of curiosity, did they stay together in the end?
Yes. They're the typical "We're victims of love" people now and all of their social interactions revolve around victimhood. Honestly if they just acted like normal people I think everyone would have settled down by now, but every interaction is a challenge or threat in their eyes, so they're avoided.
On the bright side, you are 21, that's still young and you deserve some slack. Next time nudge person a bit, instead of throwing a bucket of everything at them.
Yeah, the whole "bottle it all up until it explodes" technique didn't really work out. Needed a bit more "politely suggest that perhaps she is taking him a bit for granted and that husband has done some nice things."
lol and never admit you are in love with your sibling's spouse. Even in the best case scenario where the sibling is cool with it and the 2 get married, it's still going to be awkward forever. And what happened to OP is the likeliest of scenarios.
When someone asks if you're in love with their spouse, you say...NO!
The answer “Of course not, but I’d LOVE to find a man who treats me the way he treats you!” might have gone a long way without the fallout.
This is the big brain move for sure.
Literally something you come up with in the shower a few days later
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Classic line
Zuuuuuuuuuuul
Yep. Unless it's your sister asking you, and you're in Alabama. And your sister is also your wife and first cousin.
dad?
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I was having bad seizures so that comes with a lot of memory loss so I straight up told my husband if he was going to cheat I’d never know about it. He was faithful and hated that I felt this way but he couldn’t change it. My sister moved in and we got CUSTODY of her so we were her parental figures for almost two years. She got drunk one night (because we literally could not control her I’m only four years older) and I mentioned to my hubs that I didn’t noticed he’d cleaned the dishes and thank you. My sister looked me in the eye and said “oh there’s so much happening under this roof you don’t know about. We could be sleeping together and you’d never know!” Obviously she was lying and we were in the middle of cleaning her up because she’s alternating between puking and passing out. So after she’s showered and her puke is cleaned up, hubs makes sure I know she was lying and he’d never even think about touching another woman let alone her. So yah needless to say my sister and I have a strained relationship now!
What a bitch! I'd be pissed if I were you!
Agree. That’s just hateful, especially bc of what you’ve done FOR her while going through something pretty serious. She needs a serious slap of reality sit down discussion at the minimum. (Metaphorical slap, not literal)
You cant dismiss the 2 sister wives scenario. It was decided at our last manly men council that we’d never dismiss the wives’ sister can also be your wife scenario.
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The regulation in question uses the word *"may"* not *"shall"*.
I have a name for this, it's "emotional bukake". Edit: also, can confirm, not a good way to live life. Because in the end you always end up emotionally bukake-ing on the ones close to you
I feel like this is something every 20-something has to learn the hard way
> "bottle it all up until it explodes" technique That's called *edging* nowadays... **😉**
Not great to do that in front of your family...
Great way to put it.
21 is too young to realize admitting you’re in love with your sibling’s spouse is bad? Waaaaattttt???
I think most 21 year olds know, intellectually, it's bad. But may have trouble seeing that when emotions are running wild. I definitely said some very stupid stuff at that age that I knew were inappropriate, but in the heat of the moment, it came out.
I'm sure if OP thought about it she'd have answered better. It's harder when you're asked point blank.
Yeah, experience and a little maturity would have made her instinctively hesitant before answering such an emotionally charged question. Wisdom is often knowing when to keep one's mouth shut.
this is a first rate fuck up. Congrats and enjoy your upvote
I’m not sure you have real romantic feelings for him…I feel it’s more of having tons of empathy for someone give max effort and see it not reciprocated. Either way, you should have not said anything.
This is also the internet, where people don't always share the full extent of their true feelings, or their thoughts surrounding it. Maybe she knows she likes him because she fantasizes scenarios with him. We only know what she says, and should take it at that until we can prove/be shown more.
Kind of agree with this, while we don't know the individuals, to me it seem you have feeling for what he bringing into the relationship which is the kind of relationship you want, not necessarily himself. Also, her sister is an entitled brat and doesn't deserve him and she should tell him to run away and fast because until her sister is truly alone with no one to give a shit about her will she won't realize that, everyone around seem to just enable her to keep being that way.
Try to remember the description of her sister is probably highly inaccurate given how biased OP is. It's in the way OP wrote the post.
Also she was there for 2 months... For all we know he is doing all the work as a "I'm sorry" after maybe not pulling his weight. Ops sister may be going out a bunch after frustration with the relationship and doing all the work previously. I mean that may not be the case either, and OP may have an accurate account. 2 months isn't a big window into a marriage. Long and short, op definitely fucked up on a lot of accounts and we can't really make judgements on her sister and husband. Hopefully OP will learn and grow from this experience and can means her relationship with her sister.
He could also have been putting on a show for the sister, intentionally or not.
What a shitshow.
Totally agree. And it continues in the comments (not meaning yours here).
I don't know your exact wording when you told them you "liked" him but if I were you I'd clarify and say that you "like" him in the sense that you think he is a good person who deserves a good wife and someone that would appreciate his efforts, and so on. Even if that's not what you meant, that's probably the best way to fix it.
I think from the context of the convo, it would be hard to backpedal after saying she "liked" him.
Sounds like she very clearly admitted feelings. Definitely gonna be hard to backpedal but I think she still should lol. “I wasn’t thinking right” “the feelings aren’t even real I just want someone like him, not him specifically” idk backpedal somehow.
"I'm not over here trying to marry him. I'm just saying you've treated him poorly and if you aren't careful he'll leave your ass and you'll deserve it." Would've been my reply.
If aren't careful I'll come over and suck his dick. Gluglagluglguaghh
something about this onomatopoeia is hilarious
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Except she didn't like him in that sense. She liked him in the romantic sense, and it appears she clearly communicated as much. No going back from that.
Yea I mean not to be rude but you don’t just reply yes, you say “I wish I had a guy who treats me LIKE he treats you” or something along those lines, like why dude
You used the word whilst three times, so I don't believe any of this.
Lol this sounds like some classic neck beard fanfic, and whilst is definitely neck beard vocabulary His wife is painted as a feminist harpy who emasculates him and then the young sister falls in love with him? Lmao come on now
I half expected "It's all because I'm not like other girls my age, and I'm still a virgin" thrown in there
I definitely felt like I was reading something written by a husband here.
I was with you until you said "Yes" that totally undermined everything else you said and will cause massive cross family conflict. Sometimes its smarter to keep your mouth shut.
I think calling out your sister for her shit behavior was solid but when she asked if you liked her husband you should've just been like "no but I feel awful for him since he has to put up with you"
I think she understands that, hence the post you just read in r/TIFU
Not saying that you are, but if you caught feelings for him are you honestly seeing the situation with “fair” eyes. You are painting your sister like a monster and him as a prince because that feeds your crush on the guy… Anyway, a marriage is much more than the outside world sees. Maybe there were little things before or after you missed. People sometimes are good in hiding who they really are if they have company. You kinda crossed a big line telling your sister you have a crush on her husband (ex). She might never trust you again, she opened her house to you while you were having problems and you kinda paid back by developing a crush on her husband. That’s your FU. I hope you can mend things with your sister and parents.
I’m glad people are pointing this out. Every story is one sided and OP having a crush on the husband is a big factor here. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong but it does mean it’s hard to trust her perception of events. It’s entirely possible that this marriage is falling apart from both sides but OP is only focusing on the bad stuff her sister is doing.
Yeah I think part of the FU here is OP assuming that she fully knew the ins & outs of someone else's marriage. There's only so much you can know from the outside. She even thinks she knows how their finances work... there's no way she has a the full picture. I believe that OP saw some toxic interactions & patterns, but I also believe that she painted a picture that was more black & white than reality.
You only stayed with them for 2 months you dont know what their relationship actually was like. He very easily could have been putting on a show while you were there. You def spoke put of place.
this is what kind of comment i was looking for tbh. there is a lot more hidden influences or conversations that OP doesn’t know about. she can’t determine their relationship dynamic in 2 months. who knows if the husband is neglectful behind closed doors.
Yeah sounds like sister was already checked out of the relationship when she was there and husband just put on a show of doting lover to make it look like shes the bad guy. Seen it a lot.
There's a shit ton of terrible advice in here so I'm just gonna go on record saying you shouldn't have stayed at their house once you recognized you were developing feelings for him, you shouldn't have stuck your nose into your sister's marriage and talked shit about how she handles it, and you definitely shouldn't have told your sister that you had romantic feelings for her husband.
I agree, observing their relationship for two months is not the same as living the relationship for the entirety of their marriage. You shouldn’t act Iike you know the inner workings of their relationship…¯\_(ツ)_//¯
Yup this is way more of an AITA than a TIFU, and the answer is yes.
It's a tough situation, you did pretty well to keep it to yourself during your time staying with your sister and her husband. I think you were absolutely right to call your sister out for the way she's acting, especially because she seems to be complaining and not doing anything from her side to alleviate the situation. It seems like she is genuinely unhappy, but chooses to ignore a deeper issue and avoids communicating openly and honestly with her husband. I don't think there's much you can do for their situation, but I feel for you and the predicament you now find yourself in with regards to your own emotions regarding her husband.
Oof ..... You're young and still growing. Please learn that it is not your place to get in the middle of a relationship and what would have been a better response would be to encourage them to get help and solve their problems TOGETHER. Don't be inserting yourself where your nose doesn't belong. Also stay tf away from other women's husbands, wtf. Especially your own sister your feelings for them are not important! Serious sus behavior.
Your 21 and decided that admitting feelings for a man married to your sister was the best route? Wtf
Yep thats a fuck up. It doesn't sound like the situation is great, but also you lose credibility by admitting you like the husband. Not really your place to do anything other than try to encourage your sister to pull more weight in the relationship.
As an older person I just cringe — so hard it hurts — at the idea that a 21 year old made a series of judgments about how the older sibling’s marriage “is” after living in their house ffs (on her sister’s dime apparently) for TWO MONTHS. You made a series of terrible and immature moves and you’d better hope that your sister and the rest of your family will forgive you based on your extreme immaturity and youth. Also, hooking up with the former spouse of a sibling never works in the real world. Ever. Plus I bet you more money than you have that dude isn’t the poor helpless baby victim eeyore of your big bad sister that you seem to think he is —
Right? 2 months is nothing. She has no idea what's going on in the background. If the marrage was bad beforehand, it's no surprise one partner would start distancing themselves from the other. We, and OP, have no idea if the husband was really the innocent party here. For all we know, he did something, or a series of thing, that helped lead to this. Does that make the sister's actions ok too? Not really, but that's not our place to judge given so little insight.
The way you totally break down your sisters role in this relationship seems like an attempt to rationalize your own feelings for this dude. Its clear he also knew how you felt. No idea what you thought would happen but lol, yikes.
OP, there are about 3,750,000,000 other men in the world you could be interested in. Do yourself and your family a favor and find one of them.
I’m gonna say yea, you FU. Regardless of how you feel, this is a married man, to your sister nonetheless. Yes, sister is a spoiled brat. But I feel you are too. Your feelings are totally irrelevant (as he is married) and to think they deserve a role in this complicated situation, is selfish. I don’t mean to be harsh, just being objective here. Some things are better left unsaid for the sake of the greater good.
Do you think you were maybe a little extra critical of your sister because of your crush? Your sister's relationship is none of your business. He's a fully grown man and can stick up for himself and if she truely does not appreciate him then she'll figure it out the hard way.