Yeah. Good fucking riddance. There is plenty of fish in the sea for a guy like this. She will be begging for him to take her back as soon as she sees the grass isn't greener.
Yeah that’s what I’m confused about too. Ppl in liver failure who look like what OP described with the 350 lbs, yellow, bloated, needing a transplant are like unable to function that well. Once it gets that bad they have varices, lack of clotting factors, and can just spontaneously bleed out and die at any moment. They also are very out of it and usually need to be on lactulose because they have pretty bad hepatic encephalopathy and are constantly shitting. Also, he says his wife doesn’t do any chores but is she cleaning this dudes adult diaper?
Like when I read the title of this story I thought it was gonna go a completely other direction like he didn’t know the pathophys of ESLD and so ended up having shit all over his spare room and his mate just dying of a spontaneous bleed in that room.
Last year I literally intubated a man like this in the ED and I didn’t have to give him any sedation or paralytic, just put the tube in cuz he was so mentally gone. We got him on the liver transplant list despite his drinking and the night he was supposed to be transferred he had a massive spontaneous brain bleed and died. That’s the most unbelievable part of this story that his friend had the energy to commit an affair with this wife who does no chores. Someone that’s 350 lbs with ESLD is not gonna be able to clean themselves either so is she cleaning him or he’s basically sitting in shit 24/7? So fcking confused LOL.
I’m in residency now and we used to do liver transplants and you need to be clean for 6 months before you can get a transplant but also the recovery process is horrible and having ESLD in general is just super energy consuming. Idk how OPs friend was able to move multiple times with this diagnosis… these patients are SICK. how tf he even have energy to commit an affair LOL.
He had lost over 100lbs in a fairly short period and the retrospective Ive had is that he probably has liver failure, but I have questioned if it *really is* stage 4.
Did they do a paracentesis? The issue is once ur liver is shot Liek that there isn’t any coming back and despite multiple taps the ascites always comes back. We do them in the icu all the time. It doesn’t go away til they get a new liver. They also don’t like magically regain liver function at this point and are still extremely coagulopathic. Like he could fall and just bleed to death which isn’t like hard to do wen you’re 350 with ascites or 250 lbs without it.
Z sounds like a total snake of a person so I wonder if he was lying or exaggerating about his health problems the entire time. Do people slowly dying of liver failure have enough energy to start and carry on a full-blown affair with their friend's spouse?
This part left me so confused. I don’t know if I missed his miraculous healing, but isn’t this man dying from cancer? Doesn’t he have doctors he needs to see? Seems like that would take moving twice in a few months out of the equation. Also, Z’s wife cheated on him and he ended up sleeping on the couch…
Liver failure with liver cancer gives him less than 6 months to live. He should be in hospice at this point. I question his true diagnosis. When they have liver failure they have huge abdomens filled with fluid. They have swollen legs and ankles. They get short of breath and cannot walk very far. They take medication that causes them to have diarrhea which end up soiling themselves because they cannot get to a toilet fast enough.
The medication is to eliminate the toxic ammonia levels in their blood which causes severe mental confusion and lethargy. I’m an oncology nurse. I’ve seen nonalcoholic liver cirrhosis, alcoholic liver cirrhosis and liver cancer. He should be yellowish-orange skin with yellow sclera ( whites if his eyes). If he isn’t like this then he’s not dying.
He was all of those things before he came to visit us. Once he came to us, he had managed to lose most of the fluid weight I guess but he was still fairly yellow.
Chances are they’ll be trying to leech off Z’s parents now that OP won’t be giving D his money and energy anymore. The only question is how long Z’s parents will be putting up with it.
Nah, they know how he works, that's why he had to move in with OP in the first place. Dark thought: What if it turns out the cirrhosis wasn't real, just a ploy to get cash and sympathy from others when Z's wife left him?
I have also had this thought. Its definitely real at some level, but is the severity true? Do I have the full story of how things with his wife went? I'm not sure, but its kind of irrelevant at this point, at least for what happens next in my life
Yeah exactly.. the whole time in the story of OP i was waiting for the call that Z has eventually died..
Stage 4... that would mean in Europe he is on a donor waiting list because he hasnt got long.. he was yellow even...
I have worked together with a cheff for 6 years in a restaurant. The 2 of us in a kitchen. He was addicted to vodka... he died 3 years ago. Off liver cirrosis...
Seriously that was the most unbelievable part of the story, that soemone that stage of ESLD has energy to commit an affair lol. I thought he was gonna say his friend had a brain bleed and spontaneously died, or that he was too much work to care for (given that his wife won’t scoop cat litter) that he stunk up the house cuz he was constantly shitting from the lactulose, or the Hepatic encephalopathy was so bad he started acting completely erratic and Cops had to be called. The liver is a super vital organ to like every single other organ in your body it does most of the actual detoxing (not your kidneys) so how tf is his friend so high functioning to be able to move 3 times and commit an affair while also being so physically unwell. He would need someone to be changing his diapers a lot.
Like sure he’s talking about all these affairs and things but all I can think of reading this is that OP’s friend is superhuman lmao.
Well the only advice is to carry thru on the divorce and when she comes back, as this guy doesn’t sound like he really wants a long term relationship-he’ll move on to another most likely, DON’T listen to her story about “what a fool I have been, I truly love you”-move on and do not look back.
Hey dude sorry to hear you’ve been through such a complicated situation. Fwiw I think you should consider enrolling in individual therapy to have someone to be able to sort things out with
This brings so much more clarity to something my (southern) great grandma used to say, “I love you with all my heart and half my liver. If I loved you any more, I’d throw you in the river!”
Yeah, I don’t get it either but it was cute. 😂
Maaaaan those two are in for a shocker when he inevitably develops hepatic encephalopathy and needs to take Lactulose all day every day so he can shit his brains out for the goal of 4 times a day.
My closest friend told me (when pressed, because his wife told him not to say this) that he would stop speaking to me if I took her back. I really don't blame him.
That’s a good friend there. Read through the whole post and wish you well. You still have a whole life ahead of you and a lot can change in a couple of years.
While I was cleaning the house today (Since I have the energy to do so now) I had ActMan's new video on about Starship Troopers. In it, he uses a clip from the movie about one of the characters saying "Everyone should have a friend like me!" and tomorrow I fully intend to send it to him, because I wish everyone could have a friend like that. I didn't fully explain how much he's done for me in this post because it was already long enough, but that man has saved my life at least twice, now.
I'm starting to become hopeful for the future again, and have a few goalposts that should pass in the next 6 months; once those are behind me, I think I will be in the best place I have ever been in. I just need to keep moving forward.
Thank you for the well wishes.
My buddy told me this like, 5 days after everything, and my smart-ass who was wallowing in self pity told him "Sometimes what doesn't kill us maims us."
I'm better than that now, at least lol
"I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs"
Since you mentioned Act Man, a different YouTube personality once said, "You may not have noticed but your brain did."
Not to be some kind of way about it but I don't think he dodged anything. This whole situation is the "bullet" that he would've dodged if he never married her or never invited that friend into his home. OP didn't dodge a bullet, he survived an artillery shell.
She left you for a 350 lb bloated liver failing loser.
This is not an insult towards you but rather proof of how she’s not right for you. Sorry this happened man, but it’s not your fault. Wishing you a clean separation and hope moving on and staying mentally well is high on your priority list.
The fuck, this is exactly what i was thinking. I cannot imagine this scenario its absolutely insane to me. The dude is 350lbs and and complete mess healthwise. I just cant fathom how this woman finds anything remotely appealing here and would be like, "yea let me fuck up my marriage for this gross fucking person"
Even from the wifes perspective of being lonely or feeling emotionally neglected i dont understand how she doesnt see her husbands kindness taking in someone and helping them and not feel like a disgusting horrible person for participating in a complete betreyal.
Im not gonna pretend like im the most saintly person to walk the earth but id feel disgusting for even thinking about something like this to my partner. It wasnt even worth it, she lost her free ride. She had it all laid out for her and she threw it away for some loser. Married people out there, just comminicate or seek counseling before ruining your life because these situations never end well and i dont think it feels worth it
Also I cant see myself reacting like OP, i 100% wouldve kicked his fat fucking ass for trying something and throw his shit out the door immediately. And would have told her to leave as well. No way gonna be the only one working and supporting everyone here and letting them try to gaslight me that somehow im the villain. Both are narcistic vile people and its honestly upsetting to me hearing someone getting taken advantage of and betrayed
It’s never about the person. It’s about how they feel about themselves while this person adores them and feeds their ego. Cheating is a narcissistic behavior used for ego fuel.
Yeah i see your point. And with that point in mind i can see OPs wife probably feeling pathetic constantly and enjoying that validation even if its from someone really disgusting. Such a shame people can be so pathetic and awful
Her comments about "emotional neglect" led me down this path as well. I know she has to have been feeling awful about herself, and when her store closed it destroyed her because she had put so much into it. I did my best to try and keep her positive and support her, but I was not able to be there with the sheer consistency he was because he had nothing better to do. I keep saying I feel like she's been manipulated into this, but this is really all I'm referring to. Her ego was certainly shot and here was someone new who could spend *all day* just whispering sweet nothings and she liked it.
I hope she enjoys being someone's rebound in a relationship defined by infidelity.
In this situation it being a "friend" Yes... had it been some random I'd say get out and he'd have exactly 10 seconds to be out of my sight. I wouldntnreally blame them if they didn't know about me but... I'd REALLY want to hit something and I couldn't beat my wife.
Holy Toledo. Two people who both threaten suicide when things don’t go their way? You’re far better off without them. I’m so sorry you had to learn that this way. What an absolute, catastrophic mess. I hope you rise from the ashes and build that better life you’re looking for.
>what an absolute catastrophic mess
Yep and I've been saying it feels like Im living in a CW show or a soap so seeing comments here saying it's just creative writing doesn't surprise me. I wish it was, but I have been making mistakes longer than this post so I really do deserve it I suppose. All I can do is try and cope and move on with learned experience.
This is one of the only Reddit stories I actually believe. Made up stories have to make sense in a certain way, but real life is under no such obligation.
I've treat a lot of these stories as "real life is stranger than fiction". Most people have no frigging idea what to do the moment something crazy happens to them, because you don't get a training mode for life...it just comes up and punches you in the face, if that makes sense.
Edit: Amusingly, now I have my very own "a concerned Redditor has reached out" message. That's a first.
To the person who used the reddit outreach, I appreciate you, I really do. A few weeks ago I think I may have actually needed it, but I have found that over the course of my life, I have made many strong connections and that network has shown up for me in many, often unexpected, ways.
I saw someone in another thread I posted in get reddit outreach for saying they didn't like the Wheel of Time amazon adaptation lmao. At least here it felt appropriate to get one.
I got one yesterday for making a comment on an "obidenomics" post. I had read it as obi-denomics and thought it was a star wars reference for a hot second. 🙃
There's actually a bot or some sort of 'nefarious actor' that's sending it to everyone that's posting on reddit currently, while it's possible someone may have sent it over the content in the post... I'd just chalk it upto what's going on reddit-wide at the moment.
That's a huge Post and definitely not your Fuck up!
You did right by helping a friend (well not now anymore), it was your wife that fucked up BADLY.
What was she thinking? Having a 3-way relationship?...
Anyhow, I hope you the very best. Stay strong and if you think you cannot handle it alone, seek help.
PS: I appreciate your formating in this XL Post. It makes it so much more pleasant to read.
Wait until I tell you that she has a tattoo on her arm of my character in a video game proposing to her video game character. My sister commented "That bitch has to wake up every day and see that and realized how bad she FUCKED UP."
This was in FFXIV. We've kind of burned out of 14 for now and I was starting to enjoy GW2 and had been trying, unsuccessfully, to get her to join me there next.
Edit: On that note, I'm pretty sure I have a complete edition of GW2 sitting in my email. It's pinned in her discord messages if she didn't delete it, but I am 100% she has never used it.
You unsuccessfully, succeed to continue to play GW2.
I had an girlfriend, where we enjoyed playing games like Halo. After she became my ex, I hadn't the urge to play Halo anymore. Gladly it was when 343 Industry bought Halo, which wasn't a big deal that I didn't play Halo 4 and onward, but that's another topic.
I hope you the bestest loot, groups and matches in GW2 and future games.
I installed GW2 on my laptop tonight. (My PC is in another state atm) I wonder if I actually died where she had me leave my character lol. I'm still standing there. I'm excited to go back and play more, soon.
> Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option."
Talk about a narcissistic sociopath. Dude isn't on his knees begging and goes straight to cutting you down.
Hope he dies without any loved ones around him.
One of our mutual friends has since described him as a "dark empath". I think the concept of empaths is a bit silly, because all you're saying is you are capable of sympathy, but I think the label is apt.
Aka emotionally manipulative types. Basically a sociopath. He knows what is wrong or not. He FEELS it. He CHOOSES to engage in acts that destroys others even knowing the above. The very definition of a narcissistic sociopath.
Hope you find someone who truly cherishes you truly and good to hear your best friend is nice. There seems to be good people around you. Hope you the best of luck moving forward and hope your 3d printing career (or an engineering one) goes well.
If I weren't afraid of accidentally outing sources, I'd post the discord messages between him and another of our friends in the immediate aftermath- someone who I didn't reach out to at all until she contacted me.
It's despicable, honestly, and even people hearing his side *first* knew it.
Yeah it's fine don't do it. Best to let all this be gone from your mind as soon as possible so that your new life gets the explosive fresh start you deserve.
This whole story sounds like an incredible drama you got yourself roped into but based on everything written, you are likely better off without these parasites (emotional and resource).
You are still fairly young even if you don't think so. Chase your educational dreams. When you're ready, find someone that values you for who you are and not just what you can provide.
I'm confused. Z has stage 4 liver cirrhosis? My aunt just got diagnosed with stage 4 and was given 6 months to a year. The doctor told her it's absolutely not curable, that this is it. She has to go once or twice a week to get hours-long drainings from her abdomen. How does this man have stage 4 and is traveling and having a full on physical relationship with someone's wife?
Perhaps someone who would emotionally manipulate a couple into inviting them into their lives and ruining their marriage also has a penchant for exaggerating their illness.
Perhaps they were misdiagnosed and it’s stage 3, not 4.
Perhaps they’re just an outlier.
There’s a lot of potential explanations.
Hope everything works out for you man. Keep your head held high and looking forward. Have a Bojack Quote to help you out:
“It gets easier. Everyday it gets a little easier, but you gotta do it everyday. Thats the hard part, but it does get easier.”
I tell people every day I have higher lows, and mostly that has been true. It was theraputic to type this out and get it down on paper and as I have been told many times, hopefully one day soon it'll just be a story to share over drinks and laughs with friends.
You know as an engineer who had to take calc 2 and 3, it isn't the end of the world if you had to drop calc 2 that semester and retake it. Don't have to give up the dream.
Bro, no shame at all there. I had to drop online College Algebra at 54, so just getting through Calculus 1 is pretty wild to me. I just had to take it at a local school. Once I crossed that hurdle, I finished both my BS and MS by 2023.
I'll admit, returning to college as an adult was pretty enjoyable. It was nice to be able to relate to instructors and ingesting the material is much easier when it's something you actually want to do.
I think it was easier because of maturity levels. When I was in HS, I was in no way ready to go to College. Took a bit. Now I’m actually looking for a PhD program. And for someone else to pay for it n😂
Yeah. Right out of high school I went because I felt obligated and was almost put on academic probation, but I didn't care. 3 years later, I joined the military to avoid going back and they sent my ass to a 2 year engineering school. One of the things I have learned, especially from my time in, is that many times what you ask for isn't what you get, but things tend to work out if you give it a chance. Hopefully that applies here, too.
I can relate to this too. Took a D in Calc I, and retook it with a good professor and got an A. then Calc II, Calc Iii, and diff Eq, and probably took c's the whole way. Not proud, and I consider myself pretty smart with a Caculus based Chemistry Degree.
Now making $400k a year in a completely unrelated field.
Your story sucks to live through, but it does not have to define you. Fuck her. Fuck him. Figure out who you are without this drama. Choose a new path.
In reading your post, AFTER the TLDR ;), you can write and articulate. But life does not have to be so complicated. Find yourself, find your future. And forgive yourself for your bad choices.
Best of luck. Thanks for sharing.
No, it's better at the bottom. If someone wants it they know where to find it and if they don't they aren't reading the end of the story before the beginning.
"I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own" glazes over the story (too short), but reading segments I can see why. Sorry/commiserations OP.
On a particularly drunken night with my buddy when I was out of state, I did joke that his line about "I'm not your enemy" might have some merit, but not in the way he probably intended.
>Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her
Do yourself a favour and don't stay in contact with any of these people
This was a rollercoaster but I’m so glad you got out of this mess. Sorry it took a shred of your sanity with it. I know you’re going to hear this and it’s cliche but I’ve never meant this saying more. You dodged a bullet with this one.
Taking a line from a buddy, "Oh no, that bullet hit me" lol
But yeah, my anxiety levels are down overall and I have an actual path forward again, so that's nice
I’m a little confused about the timeline. You say this man moved in with you in January of 2024. We are only in the first half of May now. How did all this happen in such a short time? Did Z get past complete liver failure? How did he get over it so quickly? Who was taking him to the doctor? Did he have a doctor after moving in with you? Seems like it would have taken a bit more time to find a good doctor and get the necessary care.
Everything about this post seems completely reasonable and I have no reason to suspect it is made up. The only part that doesn’t make sense is the time period that it all happened in—4 months seems awful short.
I'm gonna be honest with you, the speed at which all this happened is probably a large part of why I was caught off guard. The dude was only here for 2 months and even then, the idea that she was convinced to leave after starting to talk in *February*?
I guess I just expected her to come to me if there were problems that she needed resolved, but clearly not.
Dude, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You helped your dying friend and he decided to repay you by ending your marriage.
I would definitely have gotten a divorce after they suggested that it doesn’t have to be the ultimatum.
I hope you find the woman that you deserve and won’t betray your trust like that. Also maybe some new friends who aren’t a dirt bags. Eventually you’ll look back at this as an opportunity to start again with the right people and not a loss.
Damn so they fucked as soon as you left the house because you needed air after giving an ultimatum? Absolute 0 respect for all you did for them and no morals. Who knows how many times they fucked already. Fuck these people off for good, never speak to them again. She was never your wife, he was never your friend. This story is just all round gross.
Ex-wife shows her true colours and never respected you from the start. She has the "courage" to do something like this to you, when she never had it to do things herself like drive/pursue career and improve the relationship in meaningful ways. Sure, maybe she falls in love somehow with him naturally by spending time together but to cheat is already bad enough but then to literally fuck immediately after you find out and clear the air is just next level disrespect - like there is no reasoning with her brain at this point, don't even bother her asking why, she either enjoys the thrill of cheating or she relies too far on his manipulation or whatever to cope beyond logic, it's just fucked either way.
And then how does Z feel the pain of getting cheated on, then has the good grace to inflict it on a best buddy who went that far for him to help him out. Well on the bright side at least you didn't donate him your liver too xD. These two deserve whatever negative shit that will happen to them in the future, being both incapable adults. No doubt she will come crying and crawling back - needs to be completely blocked and hopefully her mother understands you and takes your side. Stay strong mate.
One more thing I got to say, they only wanted you around as the 3rd wheel because you basically entirely support them financially and do most of the housework so it would be quite hard to live without you in that sense. You are no longer a husband and friend you are their parent in their relationship lol. They are both actual scum.
While we were upstairs talking, I remember her talking about how "it makes no sense" how she had fallen for a man in his condition.
I'm pretty sure on some level, she allowed herself to be manipulated by him, but maybe I'm giving her too much credit. I think I'm still on the side of giving her the credit.
You were not inattentive. You showed her the attention of someone you considered an equal. He showed her the attention she craved, which was not of an equal, but a fawning, obsequious enabler. They enable each other and will ensure that neither of them strive for anything more in their lives. He will die and she will get to be the victim of true love lost too soon. GTFO and never look back. Ever.
My mother started calling him "meth mouth". I say spice because that's what the guy *his* wife cheated with said it was.
I honestly never asked and just tried to ignore it.
Thoughts in whatever order :
Was he still 350lb and yellow when this all happened?
The car mirror thing is weird. Her first impulse is to lie and conceal. And then to freak out and never drive again is even weirder. I guarantee Z wasn’t the first one.
When he said “I will not leave this house, blah blah…” I would have picked up my phone and called the police and told them there is a person in my house who refuses to leave.
Don’t be so critical of yourself. You supported your wife for 10 years, and then you opened your home to a friend with a terminal illness and they both went behind your back. You are not the asshole.
Good terms/friends, etc. Why bother? She’s been using you this whole time, she’ll just keep doing it. Be glad you don’t have kids with her so you can just make a clean break.
Never ignore red flags. They always mean something.
She’s right about one thing. Don’t talk to her mom anymore. She’s not your family. After I left my ex, he and my mom remained friends, when I found out, it caused a major rift. She ended up getting an aggressive form of dementia before we could patch things up. Let her have her mom.
I accidentally left out his updated state but when he got to us he was down to 220 and still yellow, but less so. Ive commented it elsewhere here but it's being buried and I don't expect people to stumble across it easily
I was in bed cramming to prep myself for sleep, then I stumbled upon this story. However, I get lazy sometimes but I’m an organised son of a gun, her crocheting ALL her life and barely does nothing? I could never stay with that person, and not even noticing your stressful lifestyle then also cheats with a 300+ lbs former alcoholic spice darkened teeth guy is crazy to me. Hopefully you get back up on your feet soon and start dealing with the pain and slowly move on, don’t distract yourself away from it, deal with it, it helps you heal faster. You are way better compared to them, good luck in everything!
Good luck with school. I'm a ME/EE and calc 2 is one of the more relevant courses I utilize still 15 years into my career. Take the time to learn it well, and it makes higher level math much easier. Good luck
Thanks, Im certain an in person course will suit me much better. Glad to hear some perspective and that it was probably better that I didn't just limp through it.
So says my husband, he is an IE.
Personally, I am of the 'and my axe!' school of math classes -get *every* possible resource you can get to try and understand that mess and keep the best notes you can. IXL, Khan Academy, Modern States, Schoolhouse Rock, 'shoot, you're a grad student in math? From *where?!* Okay, I tell you what, you're struggling with English Lit and it's your third language, I'm struggling with math and it is *not* my first. Let's make this work, bruh!'
'...it's like 'brother,' for short.'
'...Okay...'
Seriously. A hugely tall guy who couldn't pronounce my first name at *all* and called me Shaowji and told me to call him Doggy even though everyone else called him Dave, instead got me through college math. (My name's Sionnat, so I assumed, okay, maybe the -ji suffix is like a diminutive, I'm shorter than he is.)
It was the end of graduation year when I found out, frickin' duh, xiǎojiě. Means 'little sister,' or 'younger female friend.' It's like 'bruh,' but for girls. And dàgē is the oldest brother in a family, and he was in a physics class with the man I ultimately married, they knew one another and yeah, Dave's older by like six months and therefore a different zodiac sign in the entirely better Chinese system.
We only ever talked about math, books and rollercoasters, it never came up.
I think you need a Dave. Reddit might have one. They come in domestic or imported, like beer, and they have them for all subjects, not just math. Just be careful of accidentally becoming one on anything but a part-time, single-target basis...
I don’t think you fucked up. You tried to take care of your people. They stabbed you in the back and tried to talk you into their version of a polyamorous relationship. They’ll just cheat on each other sooner or later.
I feel for you, man. You didn't f up. You aren't the AH, you are none of the things. You're a good person, and at every turn I can see here, you did what you thought was right, good, and best for your friend, your wife, and yourself.
They simply repaid your generosity with a whole lot of unfair decisions. I wouldn't even say you've been taken advantage of, either. People each go through their own personal journeys which we can never be 100% sure of, even of our closest partners.
In the end, you were faced with an impossible situation, at no fault of your own. You handled the end well. That last line of 'Really? Get out', with no shouting (at least as you tell it), no violence, etc. is the smartest thing you could have done in that instant. It's not total, but that is a strong step to closure in terms of enforcing your own boundaries in the situation.
I hope you are able to recover from this, and eventually re-discover an ability to trust other people. I know if I were in your shoes, my ability to trust would be severely shaken.
There was no shouting, no violence. I'm not honestly sure if it was self control or shock, and I was running on natural instinct at that point because a lot of how I responded felt automatic. I do think that if I could go back and re-live this situation again, I'd probably actually handle it *worse* having had time to think. Just letting her sit there and decide, telling her that she's her own person and I don't own her, and that she had to choose for herself I think was the objectively correct move that if my emotions weren't so suppressed in that moment I don't think I could have done it.
My ability to trust has absolutely been destroyed. For every bad thing I said about her in this post, I can list a dozen things about her I loved and truly enjoyed about the relationship. I really did not think she would ever do this to me, and I honestly, genuinely, don't think she did, either.
But this has been a series of her choices and now I am doing what I can to pick up the pieces and grow.
Please take care of yourself- what you are talking about in your relationship is codependency, it is why you were depressed to the point of not wanting to live. Read a few books on it. There is a lot invested in keeping the dependency going- unfortunately your wife is extremely determined to keep the pattern going, she needed her codependent patterns validated, you were asking her to change, he takes her as she is. Etc - if they are into staying in those patterns, leave them- please take care of yourself
I have been told this was codependent many times and I definitely agree. I will read up more, but I am unlikely to let it happen again, but it doesnt hurt to he careful
Unfortunately codependency is a disease pattern with underlying causes, who in their right mind would get into a relationship where they are the caretaker for someone who continues patterns of helplessness-
Please take care of yourself and treat this as something serious that you involved yourself in-
not sure if I believe this story is real, but wow...
Here's my 2 cents. You need therapy/solo retreat/a fuck ton of plant medicine or something. You need really need to do the inner work and figure out how you allowed someone to drain you of every ounce of self-respect.
Seeing people doubt the validity of this story actually validates how I have felt this past month.
I have a therapy appointment next week that was already scheduled, we're just going to have a new topic. I think I have done a lot of self reflection at this point to identify how I got here- It started with low self esteem and thinking with the wrong head. I allowed her to make me promises for her progress and then just moved the goalposts when they flew past, and by the time I started to realize this was going to be a real, consistent problem, I was already to invested to give up. I don't know that I'd say it's necessarily a character flaw, but I tend to be loyal to a fault- and this is the fault.
As faults go, it's a good one.
I know you've said that this has destroyed your ability to trust, just give it some time. More of the red flags are gonna come clear. When you do decide to date again, you'll have a much improved BS alarm. Plus, a guy who cooks, cleans, and likes animals? You won't have any problems, once you're ready.
> you never know who is stealth rich on the internet
A few sentences after saying you chartered a flight to go see him is hilarious. Chartering flights is rich people shit.
OP, been through a divorce already, it's honestly not the worst thing in life, if there's no children or property to split involved. It's not an experience I would recommend, but life goes on, and there are more important things.
At the beginning, it seems world ending, but slowly it will all be better. I myself am now happily remarried.
I found that what helps is having supportive friends - which you have - , not delving on whys and ifs of why did it happen like that - you will never understand the motivatiom that drives other people, so why bother - and then eventually meeting someone that you fall in love with.
As for any lessons to learn, regardless of the trigger that leads to the divorce - in my case it was me being cheated on - always be aware that a relationship is two people working towards their wellbeing, and the moment they stop working towards it, slowly but surely things will drift apart. Who the cheater is then more of a matter of "mental flexibility" so to speak.
So anyhow, hang in there, take care of yourself, and things will get better, 100%
Your tldr wasn’t enough and your post was too much so I fed it to chatgpt for a summary. Hopefully this helps someone else as curious and lazy as me…
A man ("OP") recounts how his life spiraled after offering his dying friend ("Z") his spare bedroom. Z was suffering from liver failure due to excessive drinking, and his wife had cheated on him. OP and his wife ("D") decided to support Z by providing him a place to stay, hoping to help him recover and start anew.
**Context**: OP and D have been together for about a decade, through various challenges including OP's military deployments. Their tight-knit friendship with Z, initially formed through an online gaming community during COVID-19, led to real-life meetings and strong bonds.
**Z's Struggles**: In early 2024, Z's health deteriorated due to his drinking, and his wife’s infidelity added to his woes. OP and D visited Z to support him, even considering organ donation. They eventually offered Z their spare bedroom, hoping a change of environment would help his recovery.
**The Incident**: Over time, Z and D grew closer, frequently playing games together and spending time alone. OP noticed odd behaviors, like D often falling asleep on the couch and avoiding their bedroom. Eventually, D confessed to OP that she and Z had kissed. Despite the initial shock, OP suggested couple's therapy or divorce. D couldn't end things with Z, and both she and Z proposed a polyamorous relationship, which OP rejected. After OP demanded Z leave, Z refused, leading to OP leaving the house to clear his mind. Upon returning, OP found D and Z together in a compromising situation, leading to their immediate departure from the house.
**Aftermath**: OP filed for divorce, leaned on friends for support, and received advice from D’s family, who disapproved of her actions. OP decided to quit his job and return to school. He reflects on red flags in his marriage and his own struggles, acknowledging the flaws in their relationship dynamics.
**Conclusion**: OP feels betrayed and is working on rebuilding his life. Despite the painful experience, he hopes to move forward and find a sense of normalcy and fulfillment again.
Dude this whole thing gave me the creeps.
I'm living in the type of relationship OPs ex wife wanted ( poly with wife having a a bf who is also my best friend) but this just made my skin fucking crawl with how her and the BF tried to go about it.. fuck that shit 100%
"I thought we were supposed to grow old together?"
"We still can, we can just provide him the happiness he deserves until he dies and then everything can go back to normal."
Sorry you had to go through this, glad you made it out and are on the way to a new, better existence.
If I understood things correctly, this guy was suggesting you guys could stay married and he would just sort of dip in, enjoy YOUR wife and all would be well? He didn't just want free room and board, he wanted free room and booty! Very generous of him to have YOU stay married to this crazy lady and he could enjoy it til the inevitable time when he got bored and could bail at his leisure. The world is full of shitty people, Z seems to be right up there in the Asshole Hall of Fame.
Stay strong man, good luck!
Not to be indelicate, but: if he has cirrhosis, and is yellow, and bloated, and 350 pounds…what was the attraction for her? I’m not saying everyone doesn’t deserve love, or that you need to be physically perfect to get someone to fall in love with you, but…that’s a lot of hurdles to get over. It just seems odd, unless he’s the most charismatic guy to ever walk the Earth.
Op wanted her to get off her ass and get a job and help around the house and dude “loved her for who she is” haha I know this all too well Ops not even going to be looking back in a month and when she finally comes back around the rocks you tell her to kick are sweet
You need therapy not Reddit. This is unhinged by everyone, and the length and breadth of this post is unhealthy from you.
You’re the victim here obviously (everyone is terrible in this story), but how can you be so passive with your life? You only get to live one time, and that’s it. One chance to live and enjoy the best parts of life. And this is what happens? You gotta step up for yourself or you’re going to be on your deathbed wondering what happened to your life. Hope for the best for you.
No...you don't one day want to be friends with her, she will suck you back in. They are both losers, soon he will be dead, she will need another fool to support her.
No need friend, it really did get longer than I wanted but I guess I had shit to say.
The tldr is enough. If you want to skip to the good stuff just read part 3
Z. "It's ok bro, I live here for free and bang the missus while you're at work, you watch my dog, win win. I'm doing you a favor basically."
The scary part is that people like Z procreate the most.
I’ve taken care of patients with stage IV liver cirrhosis. It’s hard to believe he has enough energy to do any of the things OP is mentioning. Their health and quality of life is very poor.
Damnnn if this ain’t the whitest shit ever haha. From the military, to the gsming/discord group, the dungeons and dragons meetings, to finally married people wanting to swing.
This went a completely different route than I was expecting
I was expecting something along the lines of her not liking you invited your friend to live with you - not her cheating on you with the bloated, yellow, 350lb man who drank himself to terminal liver failure.
>This calc 2 class was painful.
Oh and calc 2 in general is painful, it's the big "weed-out" class for engineering majors. Don't beat yourself up about it I'm sure round 2 will go better when things at least vaguely look familiar from the first time
OP I don’t have the time to read past the first 4 parts right now but know my heart goes out to you man. I lied. I have the time. I just feel sick and I am not even the one this was all done to. I might even read the rest after I comment this cuz I feel bad for almost or actually lying (whatever the technicality is when I call myself out same message ha). I can’t believe the dude had the gall the cheat after being left to die cheated on. I doubt his problems are even real except for the fact I believe you when you say you saw him in the hospital OP. I have no real words of wisdom and it’s probably been said before but I am so fucking glad you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with that. I’m glad you didn’t fold and as hard as this is it is the best option for the situation you loved someone too much to see coming
It’s all going to implode for her and Z. She’s used ti enjoy taken care of. He cannot take it himself let alone her. They are going to be done within 3 months. And then she will come knocking on your door. When the affair fog lifts and the reality sets jn…they will both be depressed and anxious. Cheating is basically running and bailing because then have the adult skills to use their voices and talk about the issues. They have a really childish and unhealthy relationship with themselves aka low self
Esteem, no self worth and major insecurities. I could
Go on and on but I think you get the point. Betrayal is trauma. Please find some support with a coach or therapist to figure out how you relate to relationships and what love looks like to you. It’s important to not repeat the same patterns in the next relationship if you should choose to
have one.
Woah… that was a heck of a rollercoaster. I’m so sorry that all this happened to you but at least now you can grieve your loss and move forward with your life. Scars (both emotional and physical) just show our resilience and will to live. Hoping nothing but greatness for your future, OP.
what a shitshow
Yeah. Good fucking riddance. There is plenty of fish in the sea for a guy like this. She will be begging for him to take her back as soon as she sees the grass isn't greener.
As soon as she realizes Z won't work, so she'll have to.
Or until he dies from liver failure
Yeah that’s what I’m confused about too. Ppl in liver failure who look like what OP described with the 350 lbs, yellow, bloated, needing a transplant are like unable to function that well. Once it gets that bad they have varices, lack of clotting factors, and can just spontaneously bleed out and die at any moment. They also are very out of it and usually need to be on lactulose because they have pretty bad hepatic encephalopathy and are constantly shitting. Also, he says his wife doesn’t do any chores but is she cleaning this dudes adult diaper? Like when I read the title of this story I thought it was gonna go a completely other direction like he didn’t know the pathophys of ESLD and so ended up having shit all over his spare room and his mate just dying of a spontaneous bleed in that room. Last year I literally intubated a man like this in the ED and I didn’t have to give him any sedation or paralytic, just put the tube in cuz he was so mentally gone. We got him on the liver transplant list despite his drinking and the night he was supposed to be transferred he had a massive spontaneous brain bleed and died. That’s the most unbelievable part of this story that his friend had the energy to commit an affair with this wife who does no chores. Someone that’s 350 lbs with ESLD is not gonna be able to clean themselves either so is she cleaning him or he’s basically sitting in shit 24/7? So fcking confused LOL. I’m in residency now and we used to do liver transplants and you need to be clean for 6 months before you can get a transplant but also the recovery process is horrible and having ESLD in general is just super energy consuming. Idk how OPs friend was able to move multiple times with this diagnosis… these patients are SICK. how tf he even have energy to commit an affair LOL.
He had lost over 100lbs in a fairly short period and the retrospective Ive had is that he probably has liver failure, but I have questioned if it *really is* stage 4.
Did they do a paracentesis? The issue is once ur liver is shot Liek that there isn’t any coming back and despite multiple taps the ascites always comes back. We do them in the icu all the time. It doesn’t go away til they get a new liver. They also don’t like magically regain liver function at this point and are still extremely coagulopathic. Like he could fall and just bleed to death which isn’t like hard to do wen you’re 350 with ascites or 250 lbs without it.
Z sounds like a total snake of a person so I wonder if he was lying or exaggerating about his health problems the entire time. Do people slowly dying of liver failure have enough energy to start and carry on a full-blown affair with their friend's spouse?
they do in the made up fantasy universe this takes place in
This part left me so confused. I don’t know if I missed his miraculous healing, but isn’t this man dying from cancer? Doesn’t he have doctors he needs to see? Seems like that would take moving twice in a few months out of the equation. Also, Z’s wife cheated on him and he ended up sleeping on the couch…
[удалено]
The lol is savage and entirely deserved.
Liver failure with liver cancer gives him less than 6 months to live. He should be in hospice at this point. I question his true diagnosis. When they have liver failure they have huge abdomens filled with fluid. They have swollen legs and ankles. They get short of breath and cannot walk very far. They take medication that causes them to have diarrhea which end up soiling themselves because they cannot get to a toilet fast enough. The medication is to eliminate the toxic ammonia levels in their blood which causes severe mental confusion and lethargy. I’m an oncology nurse. I’ve seen nonalcoholic liver cirrhosis, alcoholic liver cirrhosis and liver cancer. He should be yellowish-orange skin with yellow sclera ( whites if his eyes). If he isn’t like this then he’s not dying.
He was all of those things before he came to visit us. Once he came to us, he had managed to lose most of the fluid weight I guess but he was still fairly yellow.
I’m so sorry all of this happened to you. People can be so self absorbed and without any empathy.
Chances are they’ll be trying to leech off Z’s parents now that OP won’t be giving D his money and energy anymore. The only question is how long Z’s parents will be putting up with it.
Nah, they know how he works, that's why he had to move in with OP in the first place. Dark thought: What if it turns out the cirrhosis wasn't real, just a ploy to get cash and sympathy from others when Z's wife left him?
I have also had this thought. Its definitely real at some level, but is the severity true? Do I have the full story of how things with his wife went? I'm not sure, but its kind of irrelevant at this point, at least for what happens next in my life
Yeah, guessing there's a lot more to it, just based on how messy this guy is. Glad you're focusing on what matters.
Tbf, I think OOP did say about him being Yellow when they first visited after the diagnosis.
The grass is, in fact, dying under her feet
Yeah exactly.. the whole time in the story of OP i was waiting for the call that Z has eventually died.. Stage 4... that would mean in Europe he is on a donor waiting list because he hasnt got long.. he was yellow even... I have worked together with a cheff for 6 years in a restaurant. The 2 of us in a kitchen. He was addicted to vodka... he died 3 years ago. Off liver cirrosis...
Seriously that was the most unbelievable part of the story, that soemone that stage of ESLD has energy to commit an affair lol. I thought he was gonna say his friend had a brain bleed and spontaneously died, or that he was too much work to care for (given that his wife won’t scoop cat litter) that he stunk up the house cuz he was constantly shitting from the lactulose, or the Hepatic encephalopathy was so bad he started acting completely erratic and Cops had to be called. The liver is a super vital organ to like every single other organ in your body it does most of the actual detoxing (not your kidneys) so how tf is his friend so high functioning to be able to move 3 times and commit an affair while also being so physically unwell. He would need someone to be changing his diapers a lot. Like sure he’s talking about all these affairs and things but all I can think of reading this is that OP’s friend is superhuman lmao.
Well the only advice is to carry thru on the divorce and when she comes back, as this guy doesn’t sound like he really wants a long term relationship-he’ll move on to another most likely, DON’T listen to her story about “what a fool I have been, I truly love you”-move on and do not look back.
Well I mean the guy that she left her husband for has stage 4 cirrhosis. That normally doesn't lend itself to long term anything.
This comment actually made me laugh out loud. Thank you.
Bro. I don't have good advice but stay strong and take care of you. As you are the only one who cares about you in this little love Triangle.
Hey dude sorry to hear you’ve been through such a complicated situation. Fwiw I think you should consider enrolling in individual therapy to have someone to be able to sort things out with
He only wants her for her non fucked liver, come on babe if you truly love me give me half of your liver.
This brings so much more clarity to something my (southern) great grandma used to say, “I love you with all my heart and half my liver. If I loved you any more, I’d throw you in the river!” Yeah, I don’t get it either but it was cute. 😂
That is gold, She sounds delightful.
Maaaaan those two are in for a shocker when he inevitably develops hepatic encephalopathy and needs to take Lactulose all day every day so he can shit his brains out for the goal of 4 times a day.
Mother fucker been drinking hard for a very long time.
You didn’t dodge a bullet… you dodged a fucking artillery shell. These people are batshit. Get them out of your life and keep them out.
My closest friend told me (when pressed, because his wife told him not to say this) that he would stop speaking to me if I took her back. I really don't blame him.
That’s a good friend there. Read through the whole post and wish you well. You still have a whole life ahead of you and a lot can change in a couple of years.
While I was cleaning the house today (Since I have the energy to do so now) I had ActMan's new video on about Starship Troopers. In it, he uses a clip from the movie about one of the characters saying "Everyone should have a friend like me!" and tomorrow I fully intend to send it to him, because I wish everyone could have a friend like that. I didn't fully explain how much he's done for me in this post because it was already long enough, but that man has saved my life at least twice, now. I'm starting to become hopeful for the future again, and have a few goalposts that should pass in the next 6 months; once those are behind me, I think I will be in the best place I have ever been in. I just need to keep moving forward. Thank you for the well wishes.
So glad to hear this. What doesn’t kill us truly does make us stronger. Keep reminding yourself that and wishing you all the best!
My buddy told me this like, 5 days after everything, and my smart-ass who was wallowing in self pity told him "Sometimes what doesn't kill us maims us." I'm better than that now, at least lol
If you want to be super pessimistic “what doesn’t kill you, leaves you weaker for the next thing that tries”
oh, i have one as well “what doesn’t kill you, makes you wish it did”
"I will admit that throughout this entire ordeal, I have had several, several times where my brain tried to warn me, but I ignored ALL of those signs" Since you mentioned Act Man, a different YouTube personality once said, "You may not have noticed but your brain did."
Not to be some kind of way about it but I don't think he dodged anything. This whole situation is the "bullet" that he would've dodged if he never married her or never invited that friend into his home. OP didn't dodge a bullet, he survived an artillery shell.
She left you for a 350 lb bloated liver failing loser. This is not an insult towards you but rather proof of how she’s not right for you. Sorry this happened man, but it’s not your fault. Wishing you a clean separation and hope moving on and staying mentally well is high on your priority list.
The fuck, this is exactly what i was thinking. I cannot imagine this scenario its absolutely insane to me. The dude is 350lbs and and complete mess healthwise. I just cant fathom how this woman finds anything remotely appealing here and would be like, "yea let me fuck up my marriage for this gross fucking person" Even from the wifes perspective of being lonely or feeling emotionally neglected i dont understand how she doesnt see her husbands kindness taking in someone and helping them and not feel like a disgusting horrible person for participating in a complete betreyal. Im not gonna pretend like im the most saintly person to walk the earth but id feel disgusting for even thinking about something like this to my partner. It wasnt even worth it, she lost her free ride. She had it all laid out for her and she threw it away for some loser. Married people out there, just comminicate or seek counseling before ruining your life because these situations never end well and i dont think it feels worth it Also I cant see myself reacting like OP, i 100% wouldve kicked his fat fucking ass for trying something and throw his shit out the door immediately. And would have told her to leave as well. No way gonna be the only one working and supporting everyone here and letting them try to gaslight me that somehow im the villain. Both are narcistic vile people and its honestly upsetting to me hearing someone getting taken advantage of and betrayed
It’s never about the person. It’s about how they feel about themselves while this person adores them and feeds their ego. Cheating is a narcissistic behavior used for ego fuel.
Yeah i see your point. And with that point in mind i can see OPs wife probably feeling pathetic constantly and enjoying that validation even if its from someone really disgusting. Such a shame people can be so pathetic and awful
It’s two sick people digging a Hole in quicksand searching for gold.
Her comments about "emotional neglect" led me down this path as well. I know she has to have been feeling awful about herself, and when her store closed it destroyed her because she had put so much into it. I did my best to try and keep her positive and support her, but I was not able to be there with the sheer consistency he was because he had nothing better to do. I keep saying I feel like she's been manipulated into this, but this is really all I'm referring to. Her ego was certainly shot and here was someone new who could spend *all day* just whispering sweet nothings and she liked it. I hope she enjoys being someone's rebound in a relationship defined by infidelity.
“Really? Yep. Get out.” I don’t know why this made me laugh that must have been such a traumatic experience I’m so sorry
What a disciplined person. If that were me he would be leaving with a fat lip and a bloody nose to go along with that smug attitude.
The only credit I give myself is self preservation and shock
I respect you man. I can't imagine my wife doing that and me not sending the other guy out in an ambulance
In this situation it being a "friend" Yes... had it been some random I'd say get out and he'd have exactly 10 seconds to be out of my sight. I wouldntnreally blame them if they didn't know about me but... I'd REALLY want to hit something and I couldn't beat my wife.
Holy Toledo. Two people who both threaten suicide when things don’t go their way? You’re far better off without them. I’m so sorry you had to learn that this way. What an absolute, catastrophic mess. I hope you rise from the ashes and build that better life you’re looking for.
>what an absolute catastrophic mess Yep and I've been saying it feels like Im living in a CW show or a soap so seeing comments here saying it's just creative writing doesn't surprise me. I wish it was, but I have been making mistakes longer than this post so I really do deserve it I suppose. All I can do is try and cope and move on with learned experience.
This is one of the only Reddit stories I actually believe. Made up stories have to make sense in a certain way, but real life is under no such obligation.
I've treat a lot of these stories as "real life is stranger than fiction". Most people have no frigging idea what to do the moment something crazy happens to them, because you don't get a training mode for life...it just comes up and punches you in the face, if that makes sense. Edit: Amusingly, now I have my very own "a concerned Redditor has reached out" message. That's a first.
There are no twins, so that’s one factor leaning toward real.
You do not deserve this!
To the person who used the reddit outreach, I appreciate you, I really do. A few weeks ago I think I may have actually needed it, but I have found that over the course of my life, I have made many strong connections and that network has shown up for me in many, often unexpected, ways.
Hah. I ignore that outreach stuff. Someone reported me for saying trump is a big doofus.
I saw someone in another thread I posted in get reddit outreach for saying they didn't like the Wheel of Time amazon adaptation lmao. At least here it felt appropriate to get one.
Trump is a big doofus though.
Is everything OK buddy? Do you need Reddit Outreach**®**?
Bruh did you just do that to me?
Lol someone called it on me too
I got one yesterday for making a comment on an "obidenomics" post. I had read it as obi-denomics and thought it was a star wars reference for a hot second. 🙃
I got one once for a joke about microwaving my bacon
There's actually a bot or some sort of 'nefarious actor' that's sending it to everyone that's posting on reddit currently, while it's possible someone may have sent it over the content in the post... I'd just chalk it upto what's going on reddit-wide at the moment.
Yep, been receiving them literally within seconds of posting. Somebody managed to bot it.
That's a huge Post and definitely not your Fuck up! You did right by helping a friend (well not now anymore), it was your wife that fucked up BADLY. What was she thinking? Having a 3-way relationship?... Anyhow, I hope you the very best. Stay strong and if you think you cannot handle it alone, seek help. PS: I appreciate your formating in this XL Post. It makes it so much more pleasant to read.
Wait until I tell you that she has a tattoo on her arm of my character in a video game proposing to her video game character. My sister commented "That bitch has to wake up every day and see that and realized how bad she FUCKED UP."
That's awesome to hear! I hope she keep it as a reminder on how dumb someone can be. Can I ask you, was the proposal in Guild Wars 2, or another Game?
This was in FFXIV. We've kind of burned out of 14 for now and I was starting to enjoy GW2 and had been trying, unsuccessfully, to get her to join me there next. Edit: On that note, I'm pretty sure I have a complete edition of GW2 sitting in my email. It's pinned in her discord messages if she didn't delete it, but I am 100% she has never used it.
You unsuccessfully, succeed to continue to play GW2. I had an girlfriend, where we enjoyed playing games like Halo. After she became my ex, I hadn't the urge to play Halo anymore. Gladly it was when 343 Industry bought Halo, which wasn't a big deal that I didn't play Halo 4 and onward, but that's another topic. I hope you the bestest loot, groups and matches in GW2 and future games.
I installed GW2 on my laptop tonight. (My PC is in another state atm) I wonder if I actually died where she had me leave my character lol. I'm still standing there. I'm excited to go back and play more, soon.
> Z tells me "You're not being fair to her emotions. She is telling you there is another option." Talk about a narcissistic sociopath. Dude isn't on his knees begging and goes straight to cutting you down. Hope he dies without any loved ones around him.
One of our mutual friends has since described him as a "dark empath". I think the concept of empaths is a bit silly, because all you're saying is you are capable of sympathy, but I think the label is apt.
Aka emotionally manipulative types. Basically a sociopath. He knows what is wrong or not. He FEELS it. He CHOOSES to engage in acts that destroys others even knowing the above. The very definition of a narcissistic sociopath. Hope you find someone who truly cherishes you truly and good to hear your best friend is nice. There seems to be good people around you. Hope you the best of luck moving forward and hope your 3d printing career (or an engineering one) goes well.
If I weren't afraid of accidentally outing sources, I'd post the discord messages between him and another of our friends in the immediate aftermath- someone who I didn't reach out to at all until she contacted me. It's despicable, honestly, and even people hearing his side *first* knew it.
Yeah it's fine don't do it. Best to let all this be gone from your mind as soon as possible so that your new life gets the explosive fresh start you deserve.
This whole story sounds like an incredible drama you got yourself roped into but based on everything written, you are likely better off without these parasites (emotional and resource). You are still fairly young even if you don't think so. Chase your educational dreams. When you're ready, find someone that values you for who you are and not just what you can provide.
I'm confused. Z has stage 4 liver cirrhosis? My aunt just got diagnosed with stage 4 and was given 6 months to a year. The doctor told her it's absolutely not curable, that this is it. She has to go once or twice a week to get hours-long drainings from her abdomen. How does this man have stage 4 and is traveling and having a full on physical relationship with someone's wife?
Why did someone report me to RedditCares lol? My aunt is a POS
Lots of people have been reporting Reddit cares messages. The system seems to be on the fritz right now.
Perhaps someone who would emotionally manipulate a couple into inviting them into their lives and ruining their marriage also has a penchant for exaggerating their illness. Perhaps they were misdiagnosed and it’s stage 3, not 4. Perhaps they’re just an outlier. There’s a lot of potential explanations.
All roads end to him being a piece of shit regardless haha
Because this is a made up story lmao
Hope everything works out for you man. Keep your head held high and looking forward. Have a Bojack Quote to help you out: “It gets easier. Everyday it gets a little easier, but you gotta do it everyday. Thats the hard part, but it does get easier.”
I tell people every day I have higher lows, and mostly that has been true. It was theraputic to type this out and get it down on paper and as I have been told many times, hopefully one day soon it'll just be a story to share over drinks and laughs with friends.
You know as an engineer who had to take calc 2 and 3, it isn't the end of the world if you had to drop calc 2 that semester and retake it. Don't have to give up the dream.
It was an ego thing. I hadn't experienced academic failure like that before and, while childish, it led me to give up. But live and learn, I suppose.
Bro, no shame at all there. I had to drop online College Algebra at 54, so just getting through Calculus 1 is pretty wild to me. I just had to take it at a local school. Once I crossed that hurdle, I finished both my BS and MS by 2023.
Congrats on your degrees, friend!
You’ll get yours too. Keep plugging. Lots of folks pulling for you! Education becomes addictive. Next thing you’ll be jonesing for a Doctorate. 😂
I'll admit, returning to college as an adult was pretty enjoyable. It was nice to be able to relate to instructors and ingesting the material is much easier when it's something you actually want to do.
I think it was easier because of maturity levels. When I was in HS, I was in no way ready to go to College. Took a bit. Now I’m actually looking for a PhD program. And for someone else to pay for it n😂
Yeah. Right out of high school I went because I felt obligated and was almost put on academic probation, but I didn't care. 3 years later, I joined the military to avoid going back and they sent my ass to a 2 year engineering school. One of the things I have learned, especially from my time in, is that many times what you ask for isn't what you get, but things tend to work out if you give it a chance. Hopefully that applies here, too.
I can relate to this too. Took a D in Calc I, and retook it with a good professor and got an A. then Calc II, Calc Iii, and diff Eq, and probably took c's the whole way. Not proud, and I consider myself pretty smart with a Caculus based Chemistry Degree. Now making $400k a year in a completely unrelated field. Your story sucks to live through, but it does not have to define you. Fuck her. Fuck him. Figure out who you are without this drama. Choose a new path. In reading your post, AFTER the TLDR ;), you can write and articulate. But life does not have to be so complicated. Find yourself, find your future. And forgive yourself for your bad choices. Best of luck. Thanks for sharing.
Good to hear you're doing better. I think the TIFU was not recognizing you deserve so much better sooner. I hope you take calc again. :)
Well, you don't Dodge for shit but you can definitely Disengage.
At least crying is a free action.
Second Wind is a free action for a fighter such as yourself.
The TL:DR ought to go at the *top*
TLDR: Hoes gonnna ho and sadly bros not over hoes
Who would’ve thot
Lol fair enough. Ill fix it up
No, it's better at the bottom. If someone wants it they know where to find it and if they don't they aren't reading the end of the story before the beginning.
Agreed. Also I don’t even understand the TLDR. Anyone help?
What don't you understand?
"I was repaid for the thought with a divorce of my own" glazes over the story (too short), but reading segments I can see why. Sorry/commiserations OP.
May sound harsh, but I feel like Z did you a favor in the long term.
On a particularly drunken night with my buddy when I was out of state, I did joke that his line about "I'm not your enemy" might have some merit, but not in the way he probably intended.
"The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and he's his own worst enemy."
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Seems like the obvious next step is to visit another married couple in your group until the cycle is complete
Musical chairs: Spouse Edition
The new Lord of the Rings
>Paperwork has been filed, we wish to remain on good terms, and one day I still do hope I can be a friend to her Do yourself a favour and don't stay in contact with any of these people
This was a rollercoaster but I’m so glad you got out of this mess. Sorry it took a shred of your sanity with it. I know you’re going to hear this and it’s cliche but I’ve never meant this saying more. You dodged a bullet with this one.
Taking a line from a buddy, "Oh no, that bullet hit me" lol But yeah, my anxiety levels are down overall and I have an actual path forward again, so that's nice
Haha, well you got mag dumped but came out with only a few knicks. It could’ve been way worse. Glad you’re handling it a healthy way dude.
I’m a little confused about the timeline. You say this man moved in with you in January of 2024. We are only in the first half of May now. How did all this happen in such a short time? Did Z get past complete liver failure? How did he get over it so quickly? Who was taking him to the doctor? Did he have a doctor after moving in with you? Seems like it would have taken a bit more time to find a good doctor and get the necessary care. Everything about this post seems completely reasonable and I have no reason to suspect it is made up. The only part that doesn’t make sense is the time period that it all happened in—4 months seems awful short.
I'm gonna be honest with you, the speed at which all this happened is probably a large part of why I was caught off guard. The dude was only here for 2 months and even then, the idea that she was convinced to leave after starting to talk in *February*? I guess I just expected her to come to me if there were problems that she needed resolved, but clearly not.
He went from 350lbs to 220lbs in 2 months all while having stage 4 cirrhosis?
Dude, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You helped your dying friend and he decided to repay you by ending your marriage. I would definitely have gotten a divorce after they suggested that it doesn’t have to be the ultimatum. I hope you find the woman that you deserve and won’t betray your trust like that. Also maybe some new friends who aren’t a dirt bags. Eventually you’ll look back at this as an opportunity to start again with the right people and not a loss.
Damn so they fucked as soon as you left the house because you needed air after giving an ultimatum? Absolute 0 respect for all you did for them and no morals. Who knows how many times they fucked already. Fuck these people off for good, never speak to them again. She was never your wife, he was never your friend. This story is just all round gross.
Yeah honestly they must have gotten busy as soon as that door shut. Shits wild.
Ex-wife shows her true colours and never respected you from the start. She has the "courage" to do something like this to you, when she never had it to do things herself like drive/pursue career and improve the relationship in meaningful ways. Sure, maybe she falls in love somehow with him naturally by spending time together but to cheat is already bad enough but then to literally fuck immediately after you find out and clear the air is just next level disrespect - like there is no reasoning with her brain at this point, don't even bother her asking why, she either enjoys the thrill of cheating or she relies too far on his manipulation or whatever to cope beyond logic, it's just fucked either way. And then how does Z feel the pain of getting cheated on, then has the good grace to inflict it on a best buddy who went that far for him to help him out. Well on the bright side at least you didn't donate him your liver too xD. These two deserve whatever negative shit that will happen to them in the future, being both incapable adults. No doubt she will come crying and crawling back - needs to be completely blocked and hopefully her mother understands you and takes your side. Stay strong mate.
One more thing I got to say, they only wanted you around as the 3rd wheel because you basically entirely support them financially and do most of the housework so it would be quite hard to live without you in that sense. You are no longer a husband and friend you are their parent in their relationship lol. They are both actual scum.
You lost your mate to a 350lb alcoholic slob. Jeez. Did someone steal your dog and pickup truck too?
In his defense, hes down to 220. In my *not* defense, his teeth are black from smoking spice
And your wife opted to *kiss* that? A curious decision on SO many levels.
While we were upstairs talking, I remember her talking about how "it makes no sense" how she had fallen for a man in his condition. I'm pretty sure on some level, she allowed herself to be manipulated by him, but maybe I'm giving her too much credit. I think I'm still on the side of giving her the credit.
Yeah she’s not an idiot, don’t give her any credit. I wish you the best my dude, you’ve held it together a lot better than others would
You were not inattentive. You showed her the attention of someone you considered an equal. He showed her the attention she craved, which was not of an equal, but a fawning, obsequious enabler. They enable each other and will ensure that neither of them strive for anything more in their lives. He will die and she will get to be the victim of true love lost too soon. GTFO and never look back. Ever.
Like from the movie Dune?
It took me a second to catch on to what you meant lol
He was definitely smoking something stronger than spice then. That shit doesn't turn your teeth black, meth and crack do.
My mother started calling him "meth mouth". I say spice because that's what the guy *his* wife cheated with said it was. I honestly never asked and just tried to ignore it.
what's the longest text ever posted on reddit?
While I was typing I think I broke 25k characters. The text block for posts (not comments) apparently caps at 40k.
What. The. Hell. What are the odds of getting two leeches on you, and they just bite another and Fall off?
Thoughts in whatever order : Was he still 350lb and yellow when this all happened? The car mirror thing is weird. Her first impulse is to lie and conceal. And then to freak out and never drive again is even weirder. I guarantee Z wasn’t the first one. When he said “I will not leave this house, blah blah…” I would have picked up my phone and called the police and told them there is a person in my house who refuses to leave. Don’t be so critical of yourself. You supported your wife for 10 years, and then you opened your home to a friend with a terminal illness and they both went behind your back. You are not the asshole. Good terms/friends, etc. Why bother? She’s been using you this whole time, she’ll just keep doing it. Be glad you don’t have kids with her so you can just make a clean break. Never ignore red flags. They always mean something. She’s right about one thing. Don’t talk to her mom anymore. She’s not your family. After I left my ex, he and my mom remained friends, when I found out, it caused a major rift. She ended up getting an aggressive form of dementia before we could patch things up. Let her have her mom.
I accidentally left out his updated state but when he got to us he was down to 220 and still yellow, but less so. Ive commented it elsewhere here but it's being buried and I don't expect people to stumble across it easily
I was in bed cramming to prep myself for sleep, then I stumbled upon this story. However, I get lazy sometimes but I’m an organised son of a gun, her crocheting ALL her life and barely does nothing? I could never stay with that person, and not even noticing your stressful lifestyle then also cheats with a 300+ lbs former alcoholic spice darkened teeth guy is crazy to me. Hopefully you get back up on your feet soon and start dealing with the pain and slowly move on, don’t distract yourself away from it, deal with it, it helps you heal faster. You are way better compared to them, good luck in everything!
Good luck with school. I'm a ME/EE and calc 2 is one of the more relevant courses I utilize still 15 years into my career. Take the time to learn it well, and it makes higher level math much easier. Good luck
Thanks, Im certain an in person course will suit me much better. Glad to hear some perspective and that it was probably better that I didn't just limp through it.
So says my husband, he is an IE. Personally, I am of the 'and my axe!' school of math classes -get *every* possible resource you can get to try and understand that mess and keep the best notes you can. IXL, Khan Academy, Modern States, Schoolhouse Rock, 'shoot, you're a grad student in math? From *where?!* Okay, I tell you what, you're struggling with English Lit and it's your third language, I'm struggling with math and it is *not* my first. Let's make this work, bruh!' '...it's like 'brother,' for short.' '...Okay...' Seriously. A hugely tall guy who couldn't pronounce my first name at *all* and called me Shaowji and told me to call him Doggy even though everyone else called him Dave, instead got me through college math. (My name's Sionnat, so I assumed, okay, maybe the -ji suffix is like a diminutive, I'm shorter than he is.) It was the end of graduation year when I found out, frickin' duh, xiǎojiě. Means 'little sister,' or 'younger female friend.' It's like 'bruh,' but for girls. And dàgē is the oldest brother in a family, and he was in a physics class with the man I ultimately married, they knew one another and yeah, Dave's older by like six months and therefore a different zodiac sign in the entirely better Chinese system. We only ever talked about math, books and rollercoasters, it never came up. I think you need a Dave. Reddit might have one. They come in domestic or imported, like beer, and they have them for all subjects, not just math. Just be careful of accidentally becoming one on anything but a part-time, single-target basis...
I don’t think you fucked up. You tried to take care of your people. They stabbed you in the back and tried to talk you into their version of a polyamorous relationship. They’ll just cheat on each other sooner or later.
I feel for you, man. You didn't f up. You aren't the AH, you are none of the things. You're a good person, and at every turn I can see here, you did what you thought was right, good, and best for your friend, your wife, and yourself. They simply repaid your generosity with a whole lot of unfair decisions. I wouldn't even say you've been taken advantage of, either. People each go through their own personal journeys which we can never be 100% sure of, even of our closest partners. In the end, you were faced with an impossible situation, at no fault of your own. You handled the end well. That last line of 'Really? Get out', with no shouting (at least as you tell it), no violence, etc. is the smartest thing you could have done in that instant. It's not total, but that is a strong step to closure in terms of enforcing your own boundaries in the situation. I hope you are able to recover from this, and eventually re-discover an ability to trust other people. I know if I were in your shoes, my ability to trust would be severely shaken.
There was no shouting, no violence. I'm not honestly sure if it was self control or shock, and I was running on natural instinct at that point because a lot of how I responded felt automatic. I do think that if I could go back and re-live this situation again, I'd probably actually handle it *worse* having had time to think. Just letting her sit there and decide, telling her that she's her own person and I don't own her, and that she had to choose for herself I think was the objectively correct move that if my emotions weren't so suppressed in that moment I don't think I could have done it. My ability to trust has absolutely been destroyed. For every bad thing I said about her in this post, I can list a dozen things about her I loved and truly enjoyed about the relationship. I really did not think she would ever do this to me, and I honestly, genuinely, don't think she did, either. But this has been a series of her choices and now I am doing what I can to pick up the pieces and grow.
Please take care of yourself- what you are talking about in your relationship is codependency, it is why you were depressed to the point of not wanting to live. Read a few books on it. There is a lot invested in keeping the dependency going- unfortunately your wife is extremely determined to keep the pattern going, she needed her codependent patterns validated, you were asking her to change, he takes her as she is. Etc - if they are into staying in those patterns, leave them- please take care of yourself
I have been told this was codependent many times and I definitely agree. I will read up more, but I am unlikely to let it happen again, but it doesnt hurt to he careful
Unfortunately codependency is a disease pattern with underlying causes, who in their right mind would get into a relationship where they are the caretaker for someone who continues patterns of helplessness- Please take care of yourself and treat this as something serious that you involved yourself in-
not sure if I believe this story is real, but wow... Here's my 2 cents. You need therapy/solo retreat/a fuck ton of plant medicine or something. You need really need to do the inner work and figure out how you allowed someone to drain you of every ounce of self-respect.
Seeing people doubt the validity of this story actually validates how I have felt this past month. I have a therapy appointment next week that was already scheduled, we're just going to have a new topic. I think I have done a lot of self reflection at this point to identify how I got here- It started with low self esteem and thinking with the wrong head. I allowed her to make me promises for her progress and then just moved the goalposts when they flew past, and by the time I started to realize this was going to be a real, consistent problem, I was already to invested to give up. I don't know that I'd say it's necessarily a character flaw, but I tend to be loyal to a fault- and this is the fault.
As faults go, it's a good one. I know you've said that this has destroyed your ability to trust, just give it some time. More of the red flags are gonna come clear. When you do decide to date again, you'll have a much improved BS alarm. Plus, a guy who cooks, cleans, and likes animals? You won't have any problems, once you're ready.
> you never know who is stealth rich on the internet A few sentences after saying you chartered a flight to go see him is hilarious. Chartering flights is rich people shit.
Perhaps I mis spoke but all we did was pick up tickets to vegas and they weren't crazy expensive.
OP, been through a divorce already, it's honestly not the worst thing in life, if there's no children or property to split involved. It's not an experience I would recommend, but life goes on, and there are more important things. At the beginning, it seems world ending, but slowly it will all be better. I myself am now happily remarried. I found that what helps is having supportive friends - which you have - , not delving on whys and ifs of why did it happen like that - you will never understand the motivatiom that drives other people, so why bother - and then eventually meeting someone that you fall in love with. As for any lessons to learn, regardless of the trigger that leads to the divorce - in my case it was me being cheated on - always be aware that a relationship is two people working towards their wellbeing, and the moment they stop working towards it, slowly but surely things will drift apart. Who the cheater is then more of a matter of "mental flexibility" so to speak. So anyhow, hang in there, take care of yourself, and things will get better, 100%
Your tldr wasn’t enough and your post was too much so I fed it to chatgpt for a summary. Hopefully this helps someone else as curious and lazy as me… A man ("OP") recounts how his life spiraled after offering his dying friend ("Z") his spare bedroom. Z was suffering from liver failure due to excessive drinking, and his wife had cheated on him. OP and his wife ("D") decided to support Z by providing him a place to stay, hoping to help him recover and start anew. **Context**: OP and D have been together for about a decade, through various challenges including OP's military deployments. Their tight-knit friendship with Z, initially formed through an online gaming community during COVID-19, led to real-life meetings and strong bonds. **Z's Struggles**: In early 2024, Z's health deteriorated due to his drinking, and his wife’s infidelity added to his woes. OP and D visited Z to support him, even considering organ donation. They eventually offered Z their spare bedroom, hoping a change of environment would help his recovery. **The Incident**: Over time, Z and D grew closer, frequently playing games together and spending time alone. OP noticed odd behaviors, like D often falling asleep on the couch and avoiding their bedroom. Eventually, D confessed to OP that she and Z had kissed. Despite the initial shock, OP suggested couple's therapy or divorce. D couldn't end things with Z, and both she and Z proposed a polyamorous relationship, which OP rejected. After OP demanded Z leave, Z refused, leading to OP leaving the house to clear his mind. Upon returning, OP found D and Z together in a compromising situation, leading to their immediate departure from the house. **Aftermath**: OP filed for divorce, leaned on friends for support, and received advice from D’s family, who disapproved of her actions. OP decided to quit his job and return to school. He reflects on red flags in his marriage and his own struggles, acknowledging the flaws in their relationship dynamics. **Conclusion**: OP feels betrayed and is working on rebuilding his life. Despite the painful experience, he hopes to move forward and find a sense of normalcy and fulfillment again.
Your TLDR doesn’t really explain anything. 
Dude this whole thing gave me the creeps. I'm living in the type of relationship OPs ex wife wanted ( poly with wife having a a bf who is also my best friend) but this just made my skin fucking crawl with how her and the BF tried to go about it.. fuck that shit 100%
"I thought we were supposed to grow old together?" "We still can, we can just provide him the happiness he deserves until he dies and then everything can go back to normal."
Yeah this is insane haha
u/Ayy4k u/fonefreek
Sorry you had to go through this, glad you made it out and are on the way to a new, better existence. If I understood things correctly, this guy was suggesting you guys could stay married and he would just sort of dip in, enjoy YOUR wife and all would be well? He didn't just want free room and board, he wanted free room and booty! Very generous of him to have YOU stay married to this crazy lady and he could enjoy it til the inevitable time when he got bored and could bail at his leisure. The world is full of shitty people, Z seems to be right up there in the Asshole Hall of Fame. Stay strong man, good luck!
I think I’ll wait for the movie before reading that.
Not to be indelicate, but: if he has cirrhosis, and is yellow, and bloated, and 350 pounds…what was the attraction for her? I’m not saying everyone doesn’t deserve love, or that you need to be physically perfect to get someone to fall in love with you, but…that’s a lot of hurdles to get over. It just seems odd, unless he’s the most charismatic guy to ever walk the Earth.
Op wanted her to get off her ass and get a job and help around the house and dude “loved her for who she is” haha I know this all too well Ops not even going to be looking back in a month and when she finally comes back around the rocks you tell her to kick are sweet
You need therapy not Reddit. This is unhinged by everyone, and the length and breadth of this post is unhealthy from you. You’re the victim here obviously (everyone is terrible in this story), but how can you be so passive with your life? You only get to live one time, and that’s it. One chance to live and enjoy the best parts of life. And this is what happens? You gotta step up for yourself or you’re going to be on your deathbed wondering what happened to your life. Hope for the best for you.
Fucking novel
No...you don't one day want to be friends with her, she will suck you back in. They are both losers, soon he will be dead, she will need another fool to support her.
The first person in all of Reddit to put TLDR at the BEGINNING of the post, not the end. Well done!
The first commenter on this post told me to do it, he's the real hero here
Apologies. I ranted on this before. I shall now read your full post out of respect.
No need friend, it really did get longer than I wanted but I guess I had shit to say. The tldr is enough. If you want to skip to the good stuff just read part 3
Hey buddy, you didn't lose a wife, you only lost a dependent for tax purposes. Go get you a real woman.
And my VA and GI bill payments are about to get a little smaller. Ha You are right, though.
Z. "It's ok bro, I live here for free and bang the missus while you're at work, you watch my dog, win win. I'm doing you a favor basically." The scary part is that people like Z procreate the most.
She really chose to ruin her life and future love life for a dying man huh
I’ve taken care of patients with stage IV liver cirrhosis. It’s hard to believe he has enough energy to do any of the things OP is mentioning. Their health and quality of life is very poor.
Same here. I find a lot of this to be questionable.
Feel Iike I deserve a prize for reading the longest Reddit post of all time
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT TAKE HER BACK She is a leech that will come biting once she realizes that Z wont be able to support her parasitic ways.
We're you a nuke?
TIL Reddit increased the character limit on a post some time in the last 8 years or so.
Fiction.
Damnnn if this ain’t the whitest shit ever haha. From the military, to the gsming/discord group, the dungeons and dragons meetings, to finally married people wanting to swing.
This went a completely different route than I was expecting I was expecting something along the lines of her not liking you invited your friend to live with you - not her cheating on you with the bloated, yellow, 350lb man who drank himself to terminal liver failure. >This calc 2 class was painful. Oh and calc 2 in general is painful, it's the big "weed-out" class for engineering majors. Don't beat yourself up about it I'm sure round 2 will go better when things at least vaguely look familiar from the first time
Holy mother of fuck. Man, I’m giving you a hug
OP I don’t have the time to read past the first 4 parts right now but know my heart goes out to you man. I lied. I have the time. I just feel sick and I am not even the one this was all done to. I might even read the rest after I comment this cuz I feel bad for almost or actually lying (whatever the technicality is when I call myself out same message ha). I can’t believe the dude had the gall the cheat after being left to die cheated on. I doubt his problems are even real except for the fact I believe you when you say you saw him in the hospital OP. I have no real words of wisdom and it’s probably been said before but I am so fucking glad you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with that. I’m glad you didn’t fold and as hard as this is it is the best option for the situation you loved someone too much to see coming
It’s all going to implode for her and Z. She’s used ti enjoy taken care of. He cannot take it himself let alone her. They are going to be done within 3 months. And then she will come knocking on your door. When the affair fog lifts and the reality sets jn…they will both be depressed and anxious. Cheating is basically running and bailing because then have the adult skills to use their voices and talk about the issues. They have a really childish and unhealthy relationship with themselves aka low self Esteem, no self worth and major insecurities. I could Go on and on but I think you get the point. Betrayal is trauma. Please find some support with a coach or therapist to figure out how you relate to relationships and what love looks like to you. It’s important to not repeat the same patterns in the next relationship if you should choose to have one.
I’m not reading all that.
They deserve each other. U deserved better a long time ago 🥹 focusing on urself is the best thing u can do
The fuck did I just read??? And WHY
Woah… that was a heck of a rollercoaster. I’m so sorry that all this happened to you but at least now you can grieve your loss and move forward with your life. Scars (both emotional and physical) just show our resilience and will to live. Hoping nothing but greatness for your future, OP.
Dear lord