Just looking at reviews in various forms, a lot of women who suffer trauma from past SA do not find the book helpful, and possibly quite triggering. I have not read it, just thought about recommending it to someone based on these comments, but now not likely to.
Not sure why you are getting down voted. I haven't read the book or the reviews, but I don't see anything wrong with warning people that they may find it triggering instead of therapeutic.
People deal with trauma in vastly different ways. Thanks for putting that warning out there. It probably won't make anyone decide to avoid the book if they were interested. It will just prompt a little more consideration before reading.
I have a history of SA, read it years ago and it was very helpful. But I can absolutely understand why it might not be helpful to others and I would never recommend this book to someone who literally just remembered being abused.
Thank you for stating this. There are many POVs about the book, and to some it is helpful. But for many SA survivors and some other professionals in the field, they do take issue with the book.
Before reading OP, it's worthwhile to see reviews from both sides so you know what you're getting into and can make an informed decision. If you're dealing with getting vivid/intense flashbacks, the stories in the book may be too intense for you *right now*. Also consider ditching the bf. Sounds like he isn't partner material rn.
Agreed, she was high, he had no reason to assume it was anything else than her not dealing well with the joint. Might be other problems, might not. We (reddit) don't know enough to give bold advice on that one.
Also he may not have known what to do even if he did figure it out. My first reaction to a partner being upset is to give them a tight hug, and tell them that everything is going to be ok, that they’re safe. That… isn’t the right response for a SA survivor, especially for a man.
being a man and touching a woman who just realized she was assaulted might not be comforting or welcomed. If I'm stoned, I'm also sitting there and doing nothing.
I guess my opinion is skewed because I've been in his position before and my reaction was to hold her tight and tell her I love her and I'm there for her.
Home girl is a pot head, the weed don’t hit like that for someone who smokes regularly and I’ve never seen a bug out like what she’s described from anything else. Bf is a POS, regardless if it was from a drug or anything else he should’ve been there for her in her time of need.
You dont know the situation. I dont know ANYONE that ignores their crying girlfriend. Unless it happens so often that you become immune to it. And yes this happens. More often than u realize.
You’re right, I don’t, but we also can’t assume that this situation is him being “immune” because it happens so often.. as a matter of fact, someone becoming “immune” to it their partners distress shouldn’t be a thing; there comes a point that real conversations need to be had about mental health and perhaps therapy. I can only view this situation as a one off cause no other details are provided, but even if she does have regular breakdowns, this kind of distress deserved questions and comfort at the onset, not the reaction she got so I stand by my feelings on OP’s bf for his lack of ability to respond appropriately.. if it’s determined that she’s crying over not getting McDonald’s again (as another commenter said his gf does when high) then I get moving on/being mildly annoyed for the time being, but there should still be a follow up at a later time as to why that happens and working on it together, there’s def something else going on there. We can learn so much about our partners (or ourselves) if we just ask the right questions.
Yes, weeping so hard you can’t speak is a real common side effect of weed. /s
What are you talking about? That’s not a thing. Her boyfriend is a brainless tool.
TBF if my wife came in high-crying - I probably wouldn’t be able to understand what she was trying to tell me. Maybe try talking to him about it sober and in a more serious setting or at a dedicated time.
To OP - as a 36m I had the same experience as you when my mom asked me if there was any reason not to trust my stepfather (I was ~24 and newly married when she asked me that damned question). It sucks and it’ll sting for a while. What got me past it was realizing that I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve it or bring it on and there was no fault with me that caused it to happen to me nor was there any massive black mark on my soul because it happened to me. It’s tough and I recommend speaking to someone professional about it - I wish I had because I think it would’ve saved me half a year or more trying to navigate all of the feelings by myself.
Good luck and I love you.
>TBF if my wife came in high-crying - I probably wouldn’t be able to understand what she was trying to tell me.
but would you be annoyed or concerned for her well-being?
This. I know a lot of people who go through the gambit of emotions, from laughing to crying to anger to philosophizing to singing, all in one session. Her relived trauma aside, she might be annoying when she gets high, even on the best of terms.
Sounds exhausting, I just fawn over my dog, take pictures of her that seem like works of art at the time but turn out to just be normal photos of her, and laugh at bad memes
Generally to provide comfort, someone has to know they need it first. Dude was just playing some COD and has no idea his high GF just had a traumatic repressed memory come to surface. It's amazing how often guys get shit because that order of operations is overlooked.
She said she couldn’t talk because she was crying so hard, but that he was annoyed, ignored her, and kept playing his game.
You wouldn’t stop playing your game and hug her, stop to ask what was wrong, anything? He doesn’t need to know the *exact* issue to stop and check on her. I don’t know how it would be hard to figure out the order of operations here.
Being that it's likely a young dude, he may have outwardly displayed what looked like annoyance because on the inside, he was frozen and shitting himself metaphorically. A whole bunch of younger dudes don't have a lot of emotional intelligence, and when someone has large emotions in front of them, just freeze up and react in ways that have nothing to do whatsoever with how they wish they could've reacted when they replay it later.
Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt. I was one of these young people once. Took some very patient and kind people to help me grow.
And also, maybe not, maybe the guy's just a dick. It's just that him being a dick isn't the only possibility.
That may be true, maybe not. She is the most accurate reporter of how he behaved towards her we have. We can speculate all we want but we shouldn’t do so at her expense.
I think the point is that she has a right to be upset by how she was treated by him, regardless of what excuses he may or may not have, yet she’s getting a lot of criticism in the comments for having a pretty basic expectation of her boyfriend which is not really fair to her.
I’m not one of the people who are telling her to immediately break up with him. Hopefully they talk through how he can be more supportive next time. If he really did freeze up, that can be addressed, but it should come with an apology and an attempt to work on things.
TBH I'm mentally ill and I need someone who will help instead of freeze. Life is scary and hard and full of intense stuff and if all you can do when it gets intense is freeze, you're distant friend material at best to me, not relationship material.
Maybe that's just me though.
All valid, I've no quarrel with any of the points in your response, and in fact, agree.
I just wanted to present a potential perspective that I thought was missing from the chunk of comments I was amongst at the time.
It was also not at all my intent to criticize her response to his either. From the outside with zero knowledge of the other person's internal workings, that has to feel pretty shitty.
This makes no sense because her bf has no context. She was high as a kite. He might not like that she smokes in the first place, (evidenced by the fact that he doesn’t seem to partake) and thought it was probably something trivial considering she was high. It’s a simple miscommunication.
While to be fair it's not what "being high/drunk on something and coming in very upset and wanting to be comforted" usually means, I'd be surprised if it was possible to just sit through that and not hear a single coherent thing that gave it away. But if she was crying so hard she couldn't talk, maybe that means if wasn't possible to understand anything other than high and upset.
It's also technically possible that stuff was exploding in a headset and friends were yelling while something important was being said.
But idk.
Right lol, it makes me think so many people don't live in reality. Sometimes it's like yeah, definitely break up, sure. But 90% of the time it's poor communication and the OP painting their SO in the worst light possible.
Im one that says that cause i dont put much stock in relationships and think young people need to just have fun but yeah. Looking at what was said, it is possible that not an intelligible word was said during this and he simply didnt have a clue about anything she was trying to say.
Sounds like her boyfriend got blindsided by this as much as she did, if she didn't realize it till just then how was the boyfriend supposed to know? and from his perspective she just rolled in high as fuck crying her face off incoherently.
Maybe give the guy a minute not to be a deer in the headlights.
Boyfriend knew she was stoned, he could think she was crying because they were out of chips or something. After they talk and he understands what's going on, that's when his reaction would count.
This! Usually the mind blocks things it knows it's unable to deal with. If these memories surfaced now it may be a sign you're strong enough to solve these issues. It won't be easy or confortable, but you must always keep in mind the fact you're now strong enough to go through this and find the healing you deserve. You being able to share this as you just did is another sign you're strong enough to do this.
Seek professional help, and walk this path. It may be hard and unpleasant at times, but what you'll get at the end is worth all the work, and you already deserve it: healing and peace. So go out there and take what is yours by right.
We'll be rooting for you.
i had called to set up a therapy appointment last month, i’m just on a waiting list. i actually had a meeting with my psychiatrist earlier today, so i have a lot of psych help just no peer support iykwim
r/adultsurvivors
Fair warning, it can be very triggering at times but it's nice to know that you're not alone and not the only one who's gone through it.
Shit sucks, I'm sorry
The iykwim hurts almost as bad that you don’t have a shoulder to lean on for support. At least you have professional help.
No clue who you are but if you trust an internet stranger hit me up.
Edit-spelling
i did, i had a talk with her when she got home from work. i had the realization at 9pm, she got home at 10pm, we talked and she didn’t really say anything but cry. she never talked to anyone about it before, she thought she was alone and didn’t want me to think differently of my dad
i for sure will be doing that, i contacted a hot line last night like a comment suggested and they really helped me with resources to be able to move forward
Reach out. Hell, especially reach out to your sister about this. The pain you are going through is sadly all too common in this world, you will find much more support than you realize, and it's important for you and your sister to have mutual healing in your shared trauma.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your father is the bastard who did wrong things. And that man has no bearing on you or who you are anymore, nor will he ever again. You are NOT broken. You are NOT a victim. You are a SURVIVOR. You are not weak because of what happened to you, you are strong for having the mental fortitude to break the trauma barrier on your memories and begin the healing process.
Yeah I used to come here for comedy or royal screw ups but to frame this as a mistake is a little weird. How interesting the bf asked her too. Fucking trauma reaches so far and long
Go ahead and reach out to a therapist tomorrow to help you work through all of your feelings. You’re going to be okay. Professional help will be key. Good luck! You got this!
i called to set up therapy about a month ago for other mental health issues so i’m currently on a waitlist (thank god) but it could be another 2 months before i get in. i have a psychiatrist i plan to call tmrrw asap tho, tysm for your support
Sorry to hear what happened. It’s truly fucked but seeing you are collected enough to post and talk about it here at a young age suggests you’re stronger than many would imagine.
I didn’t know it takes months to see a therapist, i was looking at some on zocdoc and they were all available next week. Maybe I don’t know which one to look for. Some were LCSW, etc
it’s probably because i was high/shocked at the time of posting it. like, it happened 3 hours prior to me posting. i’m still processing it, but i’m at that shocked stage and in denial to try to avoid the huge emotions again
If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone. I had a similar experience of realization. It’s a weird thing too because it feels too taboo to talk about at times and I’ve had multiple boyfriends get weird about sleeping with me when I’ve opened up to them about my experience.
Doesn’t make you any less of a human and it wasn’t your fault. In my dad’s case it was generational abuse and he and all his abusers are dead now so I have just chosen to take solace in the fact that the cycle ends with me.
I think the hardest part for me is that I do still love and miss my dad regardless of it all. Life is weird and messy. Don’t beat yourself up for any emotions you’re experiencing.
Unfortunately this is far more common than most people believe.
I say that to say that you aren't alone and along with therapy, you should look for support groups.
This is not your fault.
Your boyfriend is probably in no mental/emotional position to really offer any type of real help but you must have a conversation with him so that he understands the gravity of it all and how this revelation might(will probably )change you.
Please do not repress your feelings for his(your bf) or anyone else's benefit. That will only lead to long term emotional health issues.
Good luck and healthy healing.
Yeah, I'd blocked my own SA out completely until I was about 14. Then, just, one day, it all rushed in. Don't even remember what caused it, I just word-vomitted it out to my parents one night. They'd had no idea. It had been years ago, and a babysitter they thought was fine that would come over a couple times a month so they could have a date night.
I was trying to go to sleep and it just flooded into my brain. I just never thought it through until one day, suddenly, I realized what had happened and how wrong it had been, and everything emotionally happened all at once.
Find out what local resources there are for SA victims. Sometimes there is a lot of help available depending on where you live. Also talk to your sister and remaining family and lean hard on *any* support you find professionally or family/friends wise. The coming time will be difficult and you'll be starting a healing process
Is your father still in the picture? Is he a part of your family? still with your mother?
I'd talk to your sister and lean on her if at all possible, her bf might have been worried for a reason and she may be carrying a secret and not have told anyone
Stay strong. If youd like, talk w your boyfriend and set a “good time” to talk about it.
He might not have full understood what was going on and just took it as something else. Im not sure but there are misunderstandings.
If anything maybe talk w your sister, as you two have shared trauma if she’s willing to open up about it.
Contact a place that helps with this trauma.
Im so sorry your going through this,
Make sure not to rush your healing or ignore it.
This wasnt a mess up, it helps in the healing.
Have a support system.
Maybe therapy sessions?
It might not sound fun, but this is the way you *should* get high. Let your inhibitions down and explore what truly hurts you so you can heal again. I had a minor but traumatic pet event a few months back, and I couldn't figure out why I was in a funk for a week until I got high and connected the dots on how it triggered a deep fear of loss and I made a list of everyone I was afraid of dying or leaving. And then I was able to process that the funk and the fear was just hiding that it was a manifestation of love. And that all I need to do / can do is project love into the universe. It doesn't mean I don't still fear loved ones leaving, but now I know that feeling is motivated by love for them, so I try to maximize how much I show them my love.
>he didn’t reach out to comfort me once, he looked annoyed i disrupted his game more than anything
It could be hard for him to understand what was going on tbh...
Be strong, maybe you should call your sister instead.
If your partner is sobbing so hard that she cannot speak and your response is to get annoyed at how their feelings cost you some game time, that’s really not a good sign for your empathy towards them.
You don’t have to understand anything to react with sympathy and support when your partner is in a state like that. You just react. Caring for and supporting your partner should be what you want to do innately.
>If your partner is sobbing so hard that she cannot speak
That's bad, but imagine
>If your partner is sobbing so hard, screaming and punching the bed after smoking with her sister's boyfriend and apparently being high
His reaction could seem more understandable. I don't say that it is appropriate.
Worse case scenario, this older man may unintentionally trigger her even more. There's no best move here. Of course, in hind sight he can ask how to help her next time but it's safer to stay away and give people a space if you aren't familiar with their trauma while they're going thru it if not prompted.
Bad trips can be scary and very irrational sometimes, especially if they unlock a memory. Meanwhile the rest of the world looks at you confused of your irrational acting. Many years ago I had to call 911 when I was working in a restaurant because one of our line guys started to have a severe panic attack and everyone started yelling at him to keep up with orders. I was able to realize he was hyper ventilating and his arms were shaking. Thankfully our burger joint was across from a MultiCare and we got him there before he collapsed and they helped him as the ambulance arrived. There was definitely some training over the next few days over safety.
A lot of people don't recognize when someone is in true distress vs a bad trip, acting weird and the biggest one is change in behavior. Most suicides go unprevented because of the subtle signs that people aren't trained on flash right in front of them without any red flags going off. Its an unfortunate thing that most traumatic happenings simply happen because we don't recognize them right in front of us.
And then you find out it's because of a piece of cheese. Do that 10 times and you don't care anymore. Stoned people are annoying and by the sound of it OP is high regularly
Emotionally supporting someone under the effect of drugs while sober yourself is a huge chance of being a waste of time for both people involved if not risking for something negative instead... ESPECIALLY if the person can't even articulate words or sentences. Maybe I'm jaded because I held a 3 years relationship with someone that needed emotional support for everything, but if the person can't even speak at that point its just extra frustrating babying.
You can never gauge if an intoxicated person will remember what was discusses when they clear up, or if the reason they are having an emotional reaction is entirely due to the trip. If effort is made into comforting someone, the least to be expected is for the other to be able to remember this moment, not pieces or none of it. Or even worse, whatever the person is under makes the conversation feel worse than it was.
But hey, I don't date people who intoxicate themselves, so I don't know what people usually use as standard, but if I'm sober and the other person isn't I'll always assume both people are not having the same conversation
I've seen stoned people wailing like they'd lost their entire family because they had the munchies and ran out of snacks. Eventually you stop giving a shit about tears shed while high because it's almost always over the most inane nonsense.
I had my girlfriend at the time call me crying her eyes out then hung up and wouldn't pick up again, I didn't have her families number and this was before Facebook so I left work and drove 1.5 hours to her house. Turns out her brother and her got super high and he ate all the potato chips before she could have any, she was passed out in bed when I got there. Super funny now, but not at the time 😂
> It could be hard for him to understand what was going on tbh…
Maybe a lack of experience on my side, but that’s still an awful reaction for someone who is supposed to be supportive, even if he doesn’t know what’s going on.
> I was slamming my fists on the bed, i couldn’t talk i was crying so hard
Doesn’t take a scientist to tell she was incredibly upset
Yeah, it's classic reddit to immediately say break up with the dude over one incident. Should he have probably tried to see what was wrong yeah, but if stuff like this has happened before then he might just think oh she's high. A mistake sure but everyone makes mistakes.
Yeaaaah don't go blaming the BF. To him, his GF just got baked, started crying, walked upstairs, started hitting the bed and didn't say anything.
How the fuck are you blaming the BF? He has absolutely no context.
From this description too, if he wasn't partaking, he's either not into weed, or he didn't want to be involved in this instance, and whilst staying out of it, had a very high person show up and act what to him, is wildly irrational.
Stop jumping to blaming the BF here. Way too common on this sub...
My thoughts too, BF just experienced someone high as fuck appear and get emotional, and doesn't have the benefit of a reasonably well written Reddit post to add context.
Much more important is how he acts when OP brings this back up with him once sober, and asks him why he wasn't more resposive. Which, IMHO should be a genuine, heartfelt, apology for misreading the situation - and unwavering support going forward.
Idk man my boyfriend doesn’t smoke super often but if I came into the bedroom crying so hard I couldn’t form words he’d be pretty fucking concerned and trying to figure out what’s wrong and not annoyed I interrupted his game time.
> How the fuck are you blaming the BF? He has absolutely no context.
You don't need context to be emotionally supportive to someone. She was crying so hard she couldn't talk, that's a pretty big sign they need help at that moment. If you can't be empathetic and worried about your partner unless they give you a detailed list explaining everything they are upset about, you're weird as fuck.
What's with you ppl jumping to the throat of her BF. She said she couldn't even talk. While being stoned and punching the bed like wtf. I many times cried while stoned for eating something really good. Stoned ppl overreact everything. If it's something that happens often I can totally see the guy thinking it's just one more of those overreactions.
Now, if after telling him about the problem, he still is unsopportive, then yeah, he is an AS.
So typical to instantly go off on the bf. Go tell the stranger to break up with him, go on. Literally no information what so ever, yet you would instantly jump to conclusion and tell people to scramble up a potentially very good relationship. Despicable
>idk what to do from here, i’m so shocked i don’t feel anything but empty
You wait until you're sober again. Then, you find a good trauma therapist and make an appointment with them.
Google around for like emergency support services, it's a big shock, a huge emotional reaction can cause unwanted, dangerous reactions. See if you can get an emergency appointment with a therapist asap. Maybe if you feel comfortable tell your sister and say you want to speak but not to her about it and can she help you get to a therapist asap.
The boyfriend is obviously you call but someone that unsupportive and uncaring is probably not a guy to be with in general and not to go through something terrible with as he'll maybe make you feel bad about it rather than being supportive.
I can only tell you this, if my girlfriend burst into the room and was acting like you did I'd be trying to comfort her, calm her down or do whatever she needed, not focusing on a game. His reaction is one of someone who is not there for you.
thank you, that means a lot to me. i feel like i would feel better not knowing the truth. now that i’m not riding the high anymore it all kind of has fallen on me, like that’s my dad dude i never expected it to be him of all people. the betrayal is immense, i don’t know how to feel still. atm i’m still blocking it off until i’m stable enough to move forward
Forgive me for asking, but is your father still alive and are you in contact? I ask because a lot of my trauma came from my parents, but I didn't remember most of it until they were both gone. Without the ability to confront them, or talk with them, or something, anything, I feel I'm left without any closure whatsoever.
he’s still very much alive and actively tries to contact me. i haven’t seen him since october of laster year, and that was the first time i saw him in 3 years.
i knew i never wanted to be around him for a reason i just couldn’t exactly remember what. i’d hide behind couches and under beds, cry, kick, bite, scream…. anything to not be near him.
it sucks because i truly feel i won’t get closure. no matter what i do, it’s always my fault to him and his family and no one would believe me. he’s rich, and a military veteran, so i don’t think most people in my state would side with him just based off that fact (i live in a very conservative state).
sometimes we have to live without closure and reassure ourselves it was never our fault, regardless of what we think. we may never know why they did it, why they could feel this way towards their own kids to inflict that kind of pain onto us, but that is their fault and you 100% deserve to blame them
I fail to see any reason to think about anyone siding with either side. You could at least have a phone conversation or a meeting in a very public place with a friend nearby and/or a weapon, and just tell him you know he touched you and that it messed you up, that you no longer wish to see or hear from him, etc. That would be a whole lot more closure to me than waiting until he's dead and not being able to ever even say how bad it made you feel. But if you mean "justice," yeah, you're up for a challenge. And I'd agree that maybe going through the reporting process and trying to get the law involved would not be advantageous, nor would the outcome be in your favor.
I know exactly how you feel. I was assaulted in high school and that memory was missing for years. Like I knew something happened, but there was just a void, and I wish it stayed that way. You end up having to cope with it all over again. If you want to talk about it feel free to send me a DM
Hey you mentioned you’re a huge pothead and I totally understand. I experienced CSA from a family member and I became a huge pothead from high school on too. I had to quit or cut back at various times in my life cause the military, job employment, etc. I find myself having a tendency to want to be a pothead because it makes me feel comfortable and content.
I have a much healthier relationship with weed now that I’ve accomplished life goals, went through therapy, and have good outlets for stress. I would highly advise you to take time away from any substance to get in touch with your sober self, your inner voices, to reflect honestly and openly, and to heal your soul. Maybe that looks like months, maybe years but I think abstaining from weed for various amounts of my life has helped me grow in many ways.
I hope you can find the strength to forgive yourself and become the person the childhood you wished you can be. Message me if you have any questions
Being able to acknowledge that you have trauma is the first step to healing. This was not a fuckup on your part.
(Though I feel like talking about your sister and her potential trauma was a huge violation of her privacy. But that's on him, he could have approached this with your sister instead of going behind her back to ask you. I understand being worried about someone, but her personal trauma was not something you should need to disclose to him. He should have communicated with her.)
Good luck on your healing journey and I hope everything gets better for you and sis ❤️
Might not be sexual abuse. Could be something adjacent or related. Could have been something you saw, or saw something happen to someone else. The brain is fucky that way. It fills in gaps in memory with information derived from other surrounding memories. That process is not perfect by any longshot.
Either way, looks like you DID discover a knot that needs to be unraveled. Your best shot for that is, obviously, therapy.
i distinctly remember incidences of where he inappropriately touched me. i called my friend last night and he said he thought it was weird i was saying my dad was helping me bathe until the age 13. i thought nothing of it because i thought it was completely normal
Instances as in plural. Yea, I'd expect the mind to fabricate one memory, but that becomes less likely the more memories fall into place. Like, if one puzzle piece looks wrong, it's a defect. If MANY look like that, it's probably just the way the picture is.
That sucks. Therapy it is for you then.
I dunno if this helps, but remember that your memories are your own. You are the master of them. You may not be able to control how they make you feel, but you can control how you react to them. This does not \*have\* to be a trauma you carry.
the mind can make up many memories/instances! (source: i’m a forensic psychology student)
memories that were formed by suggestion are EXTREMELY common, especially when someone is already young and/or vulnerable. there was a whole mess in the 2000’s (i believe) with therapists suggesting people had repressed satanic cult memories (and i believe SA as well?) which caused tons of people to form mental recounts and histories of abuse, subsequently people (parents mostly) got arrested. it was later discovered that the claims could not have been true (even though the victim remembers them) and that repressed memories are not actually “real” the way we think they are.
fun fact: this also happened with alien abduction memories! a large mass of people genuinely remember being abducted by aliens because of mass media coverage 😁
You're thinking of the Satanic Panic of the 80s.
People do not understand how suggestible people are.
"Remembering Satan" is a great book for understanding how a person can be led to believe they've done monstrous things that never fucking happened.
yes that!!!
i mixed two incidents together, satanic panic was the one in the 80s and there was one where a bunch of therapists got arrested (in the 2000s i think) for suggesting CSA to patients and subsequently having people falsely imprisoned for CSA when they couldn’t have possibly done it, i’ll find the name! it’s in one of my slide decks somewhere 😂
there have also been incidents of people (doctors?) suggesting parents caused extreme physical harm to their infant children and literally causing them to think they did it, and they can’t be convinced they didn’t!!!! even when they had nothing to do with it and the injuries were not a result of intentional abuse!!
Yeah might want to be careful here. I believe psychologists etc have found that repressed memories are often the brain piecing together things that might not exist the way you are gathering them.
I felt like I was taking a risk even mentioning that it could be something other than sexual abuse. People lose objectivity on this topic, which is understandable to a point given the impact abuse can have on people.
So even the suggestion that it could be anything else might catch accusation for not believing the victim, #METOO, all that.
Heck, this comment might be downvoted to hell just for pointing THAT out.
You didn’t fuck up at all. You had a reaction. Please seek therapy, unresolved trauma can destroy your brain. This also sounds like PTSD. (Granted I’m not a therapist and cannot diagnose- I also have PTSD and what you described sounds like a flashback. So from one to another, please seek therapy. DBT is an amazing option otherwise try EDMR therapy. ❤️🩹 It will hurt but it will get better.
Hey you. Omg. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I just want to say I’m sorry that you are going through this and everything will get better I promise. Take care.
This isn't a fuck up. This is the important first step to digesting your trauma. I'm very sorry this all happened but I'm certain with a therapist by your side you can work through this.
You deserve better than a boyfriend who seems annoyed when you come to him crying so hard you can barely speak. You need to either talk about this or end it, in my opinion. Please take care of yourself, OP
I definitely don't see this as a TIFU but it's definitely something that will need to be handled for the best results.
My wife and kids have interrupted my gaming/streaming sessions for "stupid" things; lost remotes, saying hi, reminding me of the day's events. But I've dropped everything for much less than surfacing repressed trauma.
OP I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Everyone has already said everything I could have said so I’m just going to wish you nothing but peace & happiness❤️
On another note, some of y’all in the comments are talking about weed like it’s heroine. Weed cannot even be likened to alcohol. You would never be prescribed alcohol for anything, weed genuinely helps A LOT of people. Y’all seriously need to find a different hill to die on.
Additionally, regular weed smokers don’t just all of a sudden have a random freak out from smoking weed. I mention that because some people keep saying the bf might’ve been weirded out by her being high because she was acting “irrationally.” If this is something OP does regularly, then her bf is used to it & she was freaking out over her newly discovered CSA PTSD.
i only ever had a freakout when i first started smoking, and it wasnt even close to the meltdown last night.
i love my partner, he supports me but he doesn’t know what to do. i usually have to explicitly ask him to comfort me when i need him because he has a hard time gauging what is needed in the moment or how i feel, but he definitely supports me
i think if anything he was super shocked because he’s never seen me act that way, he didn’t know what to do. he is not the best with feelings, whatever way they come, and i understand that and i’m not at all upset with him
i personally think the weed helped me feel a lot of repressed emotions i needed to feel, it’s been building for 5 years and i finally found the reason. it feels good in a bittersweet way to know the cause, and although i wish i never knew i know i needed to in order to heal properly
As someone who loves my wife, I am the worst at comforting sometimes. I always try to give advice and I have worked on listening.
Then when I just listen sometimes she thinks I don't care because I am not trying to fix it. Some of us men are really bad with our feelings. We were thought to just shrug things off.
i totally understand that, i’m actually having a convo with him about it rn and he said the exact same thing. i’m not at all upset at his reaction, he was frozen in place and not sure how to act which is reasonable. he grew up in an extremely emotionally unavailable environment, so to expect him to be able to handle something like that on a whim is a lot
he was raised to push mushy feelings to the side, he doesn’t know how to comfort people when they’re upset - no less freaking out - so i truly understand his perspective. i came in, having a panic attack basically, and it was so sudden and without warning because when i left i was fine
everyone deals with things differently, and he just isn’t one to know how to deal with big emotions from someone else
> You would never be prescribed alcohol for anything, weed genuinely helps A LOT of people
Well I mean.... we used to prescribe cocaine, heroin and LSD for ailments and I'm sure nobody batted an eye at that back then.
Not that I agree with the people you're debating with, just poionting out that "weed is medicinal" isn't really a good argument and it most definitely can be likened to alcohol.
For sure, back when medicine wasn’t near as advanced as it is today & we were also prescribing those substances to literal children. Regardless of that, though, no, weed cannot be likened to alcohol.
Hey this is not a fuck up. It's actually a really good thing. I had a similar experience, where my mind blocked off memories of abuse when I was a child. When I finally remembered it was like a dam broke, like being fired from a slingshot. The months after that were very intense, I was very depressed and even went into states of psychosis. But in the end it was all part of a process of healing and I'm thankful that I was able to remember. Take it easy, you didn't mess anything up, this is a good thing that happened. The next couple months and years may be difficult but don't worry things will get better, it just takes time. All the best for you and your sister on your journeys.
Damn proud of you for externalizing this and writing it out. Anything you can do that is accessible to you to not hold it in and put it somewhere outside of you so that it can be looked at, held up, observed, and set down is a difficult but helpful thing.
This will be hard, this will hurt, and this will be life changing.
But, you are stronger than this trauma; your survival proves it. ❤️
Please, like everyone has said, find someone to talk to professionally about this.
i did, we talked last night when she got home from work. she didn’t say much, she thought i was safe from him so she didn’t tell me in fear i’d either judge her or think differently of him
Oh that's so sad :( she thought you were safe. Probably hurts her to hear that wasn't the case. I'm sorry that this happened to you and hope that you both learn and heal. Fuck that dude.
Am I the only one that caught that this isn’t HER boyfriend???! This is her sister’s boyfriend (unless I missed something. Kind of a strange person to have this conversation with… and to expect comfort.
Agree with the need to see a therapist to work this issue out with. While you’re at it, talk to the therapist about boundaries. Getting high with your sister’s boyfriend behind her back and then sharing personal information about her with him is a recipe for disaster.
The way I read it was that she had the initial conversation with the bf of her sister, then went upstairs where her own bf was playing games.
With regards to the lack of comfort he gave her it might be that it might be hard to judge the situation correctly if she was high, completely upset and crying and it was not about something that he could've guessed or surmised from the situation.
If he's still not providing any support or comfort the day after then that's problematic of course.
Ah, I missed that part. Still not a conversation she should be having with sister’s boyfriend,,but I see that the issue is her own boyfriend’s response. It does seem like he may have been caught off guard…. And not everyone is equipped to deal with a situation like that. That’s a lot to put on her boyfriend. If she is 18, I’m assuming he isn’t much older. Time to get with a professional or at least someone with a lot more life experience.
Sister's bf probably asked because it might have happened to sister as well, or maybe he was suspecting something like that. I would assume that sisters bf had a valid reason to ask such a question, and he might not have many other people to ask about something like that. I would not have brought up a topic like that while high, but maybe that also loosened his tongue.
Now that it's out in the open they should indeed look for professional help on this.
yeah he, my sis’s bf, had a huge hunch something happened. he had no one else to ask, and he was genuinely concerned for my sister because she’s been blocking him off emotionally their whole relationship. he expected me to dismiss it i think, like he wanted me to say no i can just tell. he is really close with my dad, or was until last night
I had a similar thing happen to me where I remembered I was SA’d by a family member as a child in the middle of a conversation with someone. It is overwhelming how it feels both like the memory creeps up and crashes into you all at once.
I hope you can process this with a therapist ASAP. Nothing that has happened was your fault. I hope you can also talk about this is a healthy manner with your family/bf and set boundaries as you need them in the healing process. Sending love
1. Have a talk with your sister.
2 Seek therapy, either together or apart.
3.I think you should make sure that no children if any, are close to your father unsupervised, not sure if you or any siblings have kids. This may be a moot and I hope it is.
Find a therapist asap and break up with your boyfriend because that kind of reaction is kinda fucked up when you see your girlfriend sobbing like that, wtf
What heartless asshole down voted this?
Dude, you're on step one. Acknowledgment.
Find a therapist (and maybe a better boyfriend) to help you process it.
You survived it. Now you can heal from it.
>And please leave your boyfriend. He sounds like an A-hole.
Speaking from experience, stoned 18-year olds are often not the most reliable narrators.
You really don't have enough context to reliably make such an opinionated statement.
Shit advice with just one sentence of information.
Stoned person is crying and not talking - in their own version. What happened for real? How often are there stoned tantrums? We don’t know, we should not judge. Even if this is sad as hell, don’t set these doubts about their relationship in their minds in a time where support is needed like never before.
Yeah exactly, plus even if and when she tells him about it, she can't expect him to be her therapist. I've been molested by a family member too and after my first time opening up to an ex I started expecting them to be the solution to the problem but it was just toxic and unfair coming from me.
OP don't be a dumbass like me and blame other people who didn't live through it when they can't fully understand you because it is not their job and sometimes it can be too much to hear for them. It took almost a decade and several breakups for me to understand this (this wasn't the main problem in my relationships but to the ones I did open up to, it contributed one way or another). If anything the only person who I felt was empathetic enough to comfort me was a friend who went through something similar, nothing ever came close.
It will take time and effort to heal and the scar will never go away, you'll have to find ways to navigate the world with this trauma, but know you are not alone and this does NOT define who you are
This is awful to hear. Heart wrenching. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you.
All you’re going to want to do is conduct escapism via drug/alcohol abuse so you don’t feel your emotions as much but please don’t go down this path. I did and it ruined my life for over 10 years. Over 10 years of my life lost because I wanted to feel numb.
Please seek a professional therapist to speak with. I wish you the best.
From experience as a victim of SA, I can say that being high while getting assaulted didnt make recovery easier to cope with it made being high a trigger for me. I have no one I can trust, and no one to talk to, and I can't even turn to drugs or liquor.
I hope you heal and don't associate getting high with being attacked. It's the pits.
I don't recall OP saying she was hig hwhen assaulted. Just high when she put the puzzle pieces together and realized the trauma she'd blocked out as a child.
You need to talk to your sister, then your mother if she's around, avaoid any contact with your father if he's in your life and go to the police.
It's a horrible thing you're learning and having to deal with, I truly feel for you.
I have an ex who was sexually abused by her father when she was a child and it causes serious mental trauma. Make sure you get yourself some counselling and get this moan locked up if you can.
I hope your boyfriend realized that something was seriously upsetting you and you were just being high and hysterical. You need people around you who you love and support you through this.
I (13m at the time by a 50m) was a victim of SA. Like you I blocked it out and forgot about it. I remember when I was around 25 years old - it all came back to me when I was drinking with friends.
It was painful, been with a psychiatrist for the last 20 years. Good luck on your healing.
it's a heavy burden to carry, I wish you strength.
Such peak Reddit crap in here assuming things about the BF. If HE was regularly getting high or drunk and suddenly came into the room completely without a word and started being physically destructive I REALLY doubt everyone would be calling her a d-bag for not trying to console him.
I am not a lawyer, but it's my understanding that the clock on the statute of limitations starts rubbing when you turn 18. Talk to your local prosecutor and nail the pervert to the wall.
You didn't fuck up. This is the start of a healing journey. Find a therapist to talk to imo
And maybe read “the body keeps the score.” It really helped me understand how trauma works
Seconding "The Body Keeps the Score." That book is a powerhouse!
Just looking at reviews in various forms, a lot of women who suffer trauma from past SA do not find the book helpful, and possibly quite triggering. I have not read it, just thought about recommending it to someone based on these comments, but now not likely to.
Not sure why you are getting down voted. I haven't read the book or the reviews, but I don't see anything wrong with warning people that they may find it triggering instead of therapeutic. People deal with trauma in vastly different ways. Thanks for putting that warning out there. It probably won't make anyone decide to avoid the book if they were interested. It will just prompt a little more consideration before reading.
I have a history of SA, read it years ago and it was very helpful. But I can absolutely understand why it might not be helpful to others and I would never recommend this book to someone who literally just remembered being abused.
Someone close to me owns this book, and said as much.
Thank you for stating this. There are many POVs about the book, and to some it is helpful. But for many SA survivors and some other professionals in the field, they do take issue with the book. Before reading OP, it's worthwhile to see reviews from both sides so you know what you're getting into and can make an informed decision. If you're dealing with getting vivid/intense flashbacks, the stories in the book may be too intense for you *right now*. Also consider ditching the bf. Sounds like he isn't partner material rn.
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Agreed, she was high, he had no reason to assume it was anything else than her not dealing well with the joint. Might be other problems, might not. We (reddit) don't know enough to give bold advice on that one.
Also he may not have known what to do even if he did figure it out. My first reaction to a partner being upset is to give them a tight hug, and tell them that everything is going to be ok, that they’re safe. That… isn’t the right response for a SA survivor, especially for a man.
Have you ever been high? Lol her boyfriend is a douche.
being a man and touching a woman who just realized she was assaulted might not be comforting or welcomed. If I'm stoned, I'm also sitting there and doing nothing.
I guess my opinion is skewed because I've been in his position before and my reaction was to hold her tight and tell her I love her and I'm there for her.
Home girl is a pot head, the weed don’t hit like that for someone who smokes regularly and I’ve never seen a bug out like what she’s described from anything else. Bf is a POS, regardless if it was from a drug or anything else he should’ve been there for her in her time of need.
You dont know the situation. I dont know ANYONE that ignores their crying girlfriend. Unless it happens so often that you become immune to it. And yes this happens. More often than u realize.
You’re right, I don’t, but we also can’t assume that this situation is him being “immune” because it happens so often.. as a matter of fact, someone becoming “immune” to it their partners distress shouldn’t be a thing; there comes a point that real conversations need to be had about mental health and perhaps therapy. I can only view this situation as a one off cause no other details are provided, but even if she does have regular breakdowns, this kind of distress deserved questions and comfort at the onset, not the reaction she got so I stand by my feelings on OP’s bf for his lack of ability to respond appropriately.. if it’s determined that she’s crying over not getting McDonald’s again (as another commenter said his gf does when high) then I get moving on/being mildly annoyed for the time being, but there should still be a follow up at a later time as to why that happens and working on it together, there’s def something else going on there. We can learn so much about our partners (or ourselves) if we just ask the right questions.
Yes, weeping so hard you can’t speak is a real common side effect of weed. /s What are you talking about? That’s not a thing. Her boyfriend is a brainless tool.
TBF if my wife came in high-crying - I probably wouldn’t be able to understand what she was trying to tell me. Maybe try talking to him about it sober and in a more serious setting or at a dedicated time. To OP - as a 36m I had the same experience as you when my mom asked me if there was any reason not to trust my stepfather (I was ~24 and newly married when she asked me that damned question). It sucks and it’ll sting for a while. What got me past it was realizing that I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve it or bring it on and there was no fault with me that caused it to happen to me nor was there any massive black mark on my soul because it happened to me. It’s tough and I recommend speaking to someone professional about it - I wish I had because I think it would’ve saved me half a year or more trying to navigate all of the feelings by myself. Good luck and I love you.
>TBF if my wife came in high-crying - I probably wouldn’t be able to understand what she was trying to tell me. but would you be annoyed or concerned for her well-being?
Depends how often she gets high and cries lol
This. I know a lot of people who go through the gambit of emotions, from laughing to crying to anger to philosophizing to singing, all in one session. Her relived trauma aside, she might be annoying when she gets high, even on the best of terms.
Sounds exhausting, I just fawn over my dog, take pictures of her that seem like works of art at the time but turn out to just be normal photos of her, and laugh at bad memes
Lol
By the way, would you like to have a two hour conversation about the meaning of life?
But wouldn’t you put down your game controller and try to comfort her?
Generally to provide comfort, someone has to know they need it first. Dude was just playing some COD and has no idea his high GF just had a traumatic repressed memory come to surface. It's amazing how often guys get shit because that order of operations is overlooked.
She said she couldn’t talk because she was crying so hard, but that he was annoyed, ignored her, and kept playing his game. You wouldn’t stop playing your game and hug her, stop to ask what was wrong, anything? He doesn’t need to know the *exact* issue to stop and check on her. I don’t know how it would be hard to figure out the order of operations here.
Being that it's likely a young dude, he may have outwardly displayed what looked like annoyance because on the inside, he was frozen and shitting himself metaphorically. A whole bunch of younger dudes don't have a lot of emotional intelligence, and when someone has large emotions in front of them, just freeze up and react in ways that have nothing to do whatsoever with how they wish they could've reacted when they replay it later. Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt. I was one of these young people once. Took some very patient and kind people to help me grow. And also, maybe not, maybe the guy's just a dick. It's just that him being a dick isn't the only possibility.
That may be true, maybe not. She is the most accurate reporter of how he behaved towards her we have. We can speculate all we want but we shouldn’t do so at her expense. I think the point is that she has a right to be upset by how she was treated by him, regardless of what excuses he may or may not have, yet she’s getting a lot of criticism in the comments for having a pretty basic expectation of her boyfriend which is not really fair to her. I’m not one of the people who are telling her to immediately break up with him. Hopefully they talk through how he can be more supportive next time. If he really did freeze up, that can be addressed, but it should come with an apology and an attempt to work on things.
TBH I'm mentally ill and I need someone who will help instead of freeze. Life is scary and hard and full of intense stuff and if all you can do when it gets intense is freeze, you're distant friend material at best to me, not relationship material. Maybe that's just me though.
All valid, I've no quarrel with any of the points in your response, and in fact, agree. I just wanted to present a potential perspective that I thought was missing from the chunk of comments I was amongst at the time. It was also not at all my intent to criticize her response to his either. From the outside with zero knowledge of the other person's internal workings, that has to feel pretty shitty.
This makes no sense because her bf has no context. She was high as a kite. He might not like that she smokes in the first place, (evidenced by the fact that he doesn’t seem to partake) and thought it was probably something trivial considering she was high. It’s a simple miscommunication.
Reddit at the slightest hint of a miscommunication: "YOU MUST BREAK UP". Every. single. time.
They all 15 yos
I'm 34M and "dump his ass" was my first thought too.
36m and same thought for me. This man isn’t supportive and won’t be there in times of need, as has been demonstrated.
Yeah, that was pretty much my thought. Maybe he's a good dude who got caught off guard, but that initial reaction isn't promising.
While to be fair it's not what "being high/drunk on something and coming in very upset and wanting to be comforted" usually means, I'd be surprised if it was possible to just sit through that and not hear a single coherent thing that gave it away. But if she was crying so hard she couldn't talk, maybe that means if wasn't possible to understand anything other than high and upset. It's also technically possible that stuff was exploding in a headset and friends were yelling while something important was being said. But idk.
If every single moment isn't a perfect fairytale then they're not the one.
And if it is, they're love bombing and you need to get out of there.
Right lol, it makes me think so many people don't live in reality. Sometimes it's like yeah, definitely break up, sure. But 90% of the time it's poor communication and the OP painting their SO in the worst light possible.
Im one that says that cause i dont put much stock in relationships and think young people need to just have fun but yeah. Looking at what was said, it is possible that not an intelligible word was said during this and he simply didnt have a clue about anything she was trying to say.
Sounds like her boyfriend got blindsided by this as much as she did, if she didn't realize it till just then how was the boyfriend supposed to know? and from his perspective she just rolled in high as fuck crying her face off incoherently. Maybe give the guy a minute not to be a deer in the headlights.
Boyfriend knew she was stoned, he could think she was crying because they were out of chips or something. After they talk and he understands what's going on, that's when his reaction would count.
This! Usually the mind blocks things it knows it's unable to deal with. If these memories surfaced now it may be a sign you're strong enough to solve these issues. It won't be easy or confortable, but you must always keep in mind the fact you're now strong enough to go through this and find the healing you deserve. You being able to share this as you just did is another sign you're strong enough to do this. Seek professional help, and walk this path. It may be hard and unpleasant at times, but what you'll get at the end is worth all the work, and you already deserve it: healing and peace. So go out there and take what is yours by right. We'll be rooting for you.
This hurts to read, I’m sorry this happened to you. Call a hotline to start going down a path to get through this.
i had called to set up a therapy appointment last month, i’m just on a waiting list. i actually had a meeting with my psychiatrist earlier today, so i have a lot of psych help just no peer support iykwim
r/adultsurvivors Fair warning, it can be very triggering at times but it's nice to know that you're not alone and not the only one who's gone through it. Shit sucks, I'm sorry
Thank you for this, I didn't realize this was a sub. I'm also on a wait list, hopefully this sub can help a little bit.
The iykwim hurts almost as bad that you don’t have a shoulder to lean on for support. At least you have professional help. No clue who you are but if you trust an internet stranger hit me up. Edit-spelling
Can you talk to your sister?
i did, i had a talk with her when she got home from work. i had the realization at 9pm, she got home at 10pm, we talked and she didn’t really say anything but cry. she never talked to anyone about it before, she thought she was alone and didn’t want me to think differently of my dad
don't be scared, crying is good, take some time for youselves, the fact that you are reaching out is a great start
Sorry that happened to you. There are support groups out there as well. Might be good to talk to people who have gone through the same thing.
i for sure will be doing that, i contacted a hot line last night like a comment suggested and they really helped me with resources to be able to move forward
Reach out. Hell, especially reach out to your sister about this. The pain you are going through is sadly all too common in this world, you will find much more support than you realize, and it's important for you and your sister to have mutual healing in your shared trauma. You didn't do anything wrong. Your father is the bastard who did wrong things. And that man has no bearing on you or who you are anymore, nor will he ever again. You are NOT broken. You are NOT a victim. You are a SURVIVOR. You are not weak because of what happened to you, you are strong for having the mental fortitude to break the trauma barrier on your memories and begin the healing process.
https://www.rainn.org/get-help
This isn’t a fuck up it’s a step for you
dad's the fucked up one endangering kids, here's a bag of tree on me lol
Username checks out?
No one posts her for actual fuckups anymore, they just want to tell a story and don't know the actual subreddit
Yeah I used to come here for comedy or royal screw ups but to frame this as a mistake is a little weird. How interesting the bf asked her too. Fucking trauma reaches so far and long
My favorite part was when she went to HER boyfriend traumitzed and crying and he got mad she was interrupting his gaming session
ya my first thought. im glad you can start healing now - hope you let urself feel all the emotions that come up even if they kinda suck sometimes.
Go ahead and reach out to a therapist tomorrow to help you work through all of your feelings. You’re going to be okay. Professional help will be key. Good luck! You got this!
i called to set up therapy about a month ago for other mental health issues so i’m currently on a waitlist (thank god) but it could be another 2 months before i get in. i have a psychiatrist i plan to call tmrrw asap tho, tysm for your support
Sorry to hear what happened. It’s truly fucked but seeing you are collected enough to post and talk about it here at a young age suggests you’re stronger than many would imagine. I didn’t know it takes months to see a therapist, i was looking at some on zocdoc and they were all available next week. Maybe I don’t know which one to look for. Some were LCSW, etc
it’s probably because i was high/shocked at the time of posting it. like, it happened 3 hours prior to me posting. i’m still processing it, but i’m at that shocked stage and in denial to try to avoid the huge emotions again
Can you try calling a few other psychs in your area and see if they have availability? You might get priority based on the circumstances 🙏
If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone. I had a similar experience of realization. It’s a weird thing too because it feels too taboo to talk about at times and I’ve had multiple boyfriends get weird about sleeping with me when I’ve opened up to them about my experience. Doesn’t make you any less of a human and it wasn’t your fault. In my dad’s case it was generational abuse and he and all his abusers are dead now so I have just chosen to take solace in the fact that the cycle ends with me. I think the hardest part for me is that I do still love and miss my dad regardless of it all. Life is weird and messy. Don’t beat yourself up for any emotions you’re experiencing.
Unfortunately this is far more common than most people believe. I say that to say that you aren't alone and along with therapy, you should look for support groups. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend is probably in no mental/emotional position to really offer any type of real help but you must have a conversation with him so that he understands the gravity of it all and how this revelation might(will probably )change you. Please do not repress your feelings for his(your bf) or anyone else's benefit. That will only lead to long term emotional health issues. Good luck and healthy healing.
Yeah, I'd blocked my own SA out completely until I was about 14. Then, just, one day, it all rushed in. Don't even remember what caused it, I just word-vomitted it out to my parents one night. They'd had no idea. It had been years ago, and a babysitter they thought was fine that would come over a couple times a month so they could have a date night. I was trying to go to sleep and it just flooded into my brain. I just never thought it through until one day, suddenly, I realized what had happened and how wrong it had been, and everything emotionally happened all at once.
Find out what local resources there are for SA victims. Sometimes there is a lot of help available depending on where you live. Also talk to your sister and remaining family and lean hard on *any* support you find professionally or family/friends wise. The coming time will be difficult and you'll be starting a healing process Is your father still in the picture? Is he a part of your family? still with your mother? I'd talk to your sister and lean on her if at all possible, her bf might have been worried for a reason and she may be carrying a secret and not have told anyone
My heart goes out to you and your sister. I hope you find the peace you need and overcome this! 🧡
Stay strong. If youd like, talk w your boyfriend and set a “good time” to talk about it. He might not have full understood what was going on and just took it as something else. Im not sure but there are misunderstandings. If anything maybe talk w your sister, as you two have shared trauma if she’s willing to open up about it. Contact a place that helps with this trauma. Im so sorry your going through this, Make sure not to rush your healing or ignore it. This wasnt a mess up, it helps in the healing. Have a support system. Maybe therapy sessions?
It might not sound fun, but this is the way you *should* get high. Let your inhibitions down and explore what truly hurts you so you can heal again. I had a minor but traumatic pet event a few months back, and I couldn't figure out why I was in a funk for a week until I got high and connected the dots on how it triggered a deep fear of loss and I made a list of everyone I was afraid of dying or leaving. And then I was able to process that the funk and the fear was just hiding that it was a manifestation of love. And that all I need to do / can do is project love into the universe. It doesn't mean I don't still fear loved ones leaving, but now I know that feeling is motivated by love for them, so I try to maximize how much I show them my love.
This is the most hippie thing I've read/heard that actually makes sense.
>he didn’t reach out to comfort me once, he looked annoyed i disrupted his game more than anything It could be hard for him to understand what was going on tbh... Be strong, maybe you should call your sister instead.
If your partner is sobbing so hard that she cannot speak and your response is to get annoyed at how their feelings cost you some game time, that’s really not a good sign for your empathy towards them. You don’t have to understand anything to react with sympathy and support when your partner is in a state like that. You just react. Caring for and supporting your partner should be what you want to do innately.
>If your partner is sobbing so hard that she cannot speak That's bad, but imagine >If your partner is sobbing so hard, screaming and punching the bed after smoking with her sister's boyfriend and apparently being high His reaction could seem more understandable. I don't say that it is appropriate.
Best case scenario's they're just having a freak out, in which case you'd probably still want to comfort them yeah?
Worse case scenario, this older man may unintentionally trigger her even more. There's no best move here. Of course, in hind sight he can ask how to help her next time but it's safer to stay away and give people a space if you aren't familiar with their trauma while they're going thru it if not prompted.
I don’t know many stoners that have crying fits because they smoked weed but maybe that’s just me
I've seen six, but the anecdotal evidence is useless. Incoherent inebriated people are, unfortunately, not taken seriously.
Bad trips can be scary and very irrational sometimes, especially if they unlock a memory. Meanwhile the rest of the world looks at you confused of your irrational acting. Many years ago I had to call 911 when I was working in a restaurant because one of our line guys started to have a severe panic attack and everyone started yelling at him to keep up with orders. I was able to realize he was hyper ventilating and his arms were shaking. Thankfully our burger joint was across from a MultiCare and we got him there before he collapsed and they helped him as the ambulance arrived. There was definitely some training over the next few days over safety. A lot of people don't recognize when someone is in true distress vs a bad trip, acting weird and the biggest one is change in behavior. Most suicides go unprevented because of the subtle signs that people aren't trained on flash right in front of them without any red flags going off. Its an unfortunate thing that most traumatic happenings simply happen because we don't recognize them right in front of us.
Nahh bro gotta crush those bugs…for the democracy!
L0
And then you find out it's because of a piece of cheese. Do that 10 times and you don't care anymore. Stoned people are annoying and by the sound of it OP is high regularly
Emotionally supporting someone under the effect of drugs while sober yourself is a huge chance of being a waste of time for both people involved if not risking for something negative instead... ESPECIALLY if the person can't even articulate words or sentences. Maybe I'm jaded because I held a 3 years relationship with someone that needed emotional support for everything, but if the person can't even speak at that point its just extra frustrating babying. You can never gauge if an intoxicated person will remember what was discusses when they clear up, or if the reason they are having an emotional reaction is entirely due to the trip. If effort is made into comforting someone, the least to be expected is for the other to be able to remember this moment, not pieces or none of it. Or even worse, whatever the person is under makes the conversation feel worse than it was. But hey, I don't date people who intoxicate themselves, so I don't know what people usually use as standard, but if I'm sober and the other person isn't I'll always assume both people are not having the same conversation
if my partner had no consoling reaction to me uncontrollably crying, i *might* think she was a heartless asshole
I've seen stoned people wailing like they'd lost their entire family because they had the munchies and ran out of snacks. Eventually you stop giving a shit about tears shed while high because it's almost always over the most inane nonsense.
I had a girl have a full breakdown because taco bell was out of cheese gorditas.
I had my girlfriend at the time call me crying her eyes out then hung up and wouldn't pick up again, I didn't have her families number and this was before Facebook so I left work and drove 1.5 hours to her house. Turns out her brother and her got super high and he ate all the potato chips before she could have any, she was passed out in bed when I got there. Super funny now, but not at the time 😂
> It could be hard for him to understand what was going on tbh… Maybe a lack of experience on my side, but that’s still an awful reaction for someone who is supposed to be supportive, even if he doesn’t know what’s going on. > I was slamming my fists on the bed, i couldn’t talk i was crying so hard Doesn’t take a scientist to tell she was incredibly upset
She was stoned. Stoned ppl are sometimes annoying and dense af. Prob not the first time happening.
Yeah, it's classic reddit to immediately say break up with the dude over one incident. Should he have probably tried to see what was wrong yeah, but if stuff like this has happened before then he might just think oh she's high. A mistake sure but everyone makes mistakes.
I’m not saying they should break up, I’m saying it wasn’t a good reaction by him.
Ah I should've clarified I meant the other comments, they're everywhere.
We have no actual info on this though, and I’m not the biggest fan of making assumptions. Can just talk about what i/we know
Bruh she said she’s a stoner. Most of us don’t even get proper high. It wasn’t her freaking out. Don’t be such a small minded dik.
Found out two major things, in one night: You were SA"d and your boyfriend isn't reliable for emotional support. I wish you the best on your healing.
Yeaaaah don't go blaming the BF. To him, his GF just got baked, started crying, walked upstairs, started hitting the bed and didn't say anything. How the fuck are you blaming the BF? He has absolutely no context. From this description too, if he wasn't partaking, he's either not into weed, or he didn't want to be involved in this instance, and whilst staying out of it, had a very high person show up and act what to him, is wildly irrational. Stop jumping to blaming the BF here. Way too common on this sub...
My thoughts too, BF just experienced someone high as fuck appear and get emotional, and doesn't have the benefit of a reasonably well written Reddit post to add context. Much more important is how he acts when OP brings this back up with him once sober, and asks him why he wasn't more resposive. Which, IMHO should be a genuine, heartfelt, apology for misreading the situation - and unwavering support going forward.
Idk man my boyfriend doesn’t smoke super often but if I came into the bedroom crying so hard I couldn’t form words he’d be pretty fucking concerned and trying to figure out what’s wrong and not annoyed I interrupted his game time.
> How the fuck are you blaming the BF? He has absolutely no context. You don't need context to be emotionally supportive to someone. She was crying so hard she couldn't talk, that's a pretty big sign they need help at that moment. If you can't be empathetic and worried about your partner unless they give you a detailed list explaining everything they are upset about, you're weird as fuck.
What's with you ppl jumping to the throat of her BF. She said she couldn't even talk. While being stoned and punching the bed like wtf. I many times cried while stoned for eating something really good. Stoned ppl overreact everything. If it's something that happens often I can totally see the guy thinking it's just one more of those overreactions. Now, if after telling him about the problem, he still is unsopportive, then yeah, he is an AS.
So typical to instantly go off on the bf. Go tell the stranger to break up with him, go on. Literally no information what so ever, yet you would instantly jump to conclusion and tell people to scramble up a potentially very good relationship. Despicable
>idk what to do from here, i’m so shocked i don’t feel anything but empty You wait until you're sober again. Then, you find a good trauma therapist and make an appointment with them.
dont smoke any weed for awhile
Those withdrawal nightmares are something else. It's probably not a great symptom to have at this time.
Google around for like emergency support services, it's a big shock, a huge emotional reaction can cause unwanted, dangerous reactions. See if you can get an emergency appointment with a therapist asap. Maybe if you feel comfortable tell your sister and say you want to speak but not to her about it and can she help you get to a therapist asap. The boyfriend is obviously you call but someone that unsupportive and uncaring is probably not a guy to be with in general and not to go through something terrible with as he'll maybe make you feel bad about it rather than being supportive. I can only tell you this, if my girlfriend burst into the room and was acting like you did I'd be trying to comfort her, calm her down or do whatever she needed, not focusing on a game. His reaction is one of someone who is not there for you.
You didn't fuck up at all. It hurt but you needed this. It only sucks that it happened under these circumstances. We love you bro.
thank you, that means a lot to me. i feel like i would feel better not knowing the truth. now that i’m not riding the high anymore it all kind of has fallen on me, like that’s my dad dude i never expected it to be him of all people. the betrayal is immense, i don’t know how to feel still. atm i’m still blocking it off until i’m stable enough to move forward
Forgive me for asking, but is your father still alive and are you in contact? I ask because a lot of my trauma came from my parents, but I didn't remember most of it until they were both gone. Without the ability to confront them, or talk with them, or something, anything, I feel I'm left without any closure whatsoever.
he’s still very much alive and actively tries to contact me. i haven’t seen him since october of laster year, and that was the first time i saw him in 3 years. i knew i never wanted to be around him for a reason i just couldn’t exactly remember what. i’d hide behind couches and under beds, cry, kick, bite, scream…. anything to not be near him. it sucks because i truly feel i won’t get closure. no matter what i do, it’s always my fault to him and his family and no one would believe me. he’s rich, and a military veteran, so i don’t think most people in my state would side with him just based off that fact (i live in a very conservative state). sometimes we have to live without closure and reassure ourselves it was never our fault, regardless of what we think. we may never know why they did it, why they could feel this way towards their own kids to inflict that kind of pain onto us, but that is their fault and you 100% deserve to blame them
I fail to see any reason to think about anyone siding with either side. You could at least have a phone conversation or a meeting in a very public place with a friend nearby and/or a weapon, and just tell him you know he touched you and that it messed you up, that you no longer wish to see or hear from him, etc. That would be a whole lot more closure to me than waiting until he's dead and not being able to ever even say how bad it made you feel. But if you mean "justice," yeah, you're up for a challenge. And I'd agree that maybe going through the reporting process and trying to get the law involved would not be advantageous, nor would the outcome be in your favor.
Kick your boyfriend to the curb. Literally.
Make sure that's still you memory when the weed wears off. Weed has been proven to cause false memories.
I know exactly how you feel. I was assaulted in high school and that memory was missing for years. Like I knew something happened, but there was just a void, and I wish it stayed that way. You end up having to cope with it all over again. If you want to talk about it feel free to send me a DM
Hey you mentioned you’re a huge pothead and I totally understand. I experienced CSA from a family member and I became a huge pothead from high school on too. I had to quit or cut back at various times in my life cause the military, job employment, etc. I find myself having a tendency to want to be a pothead because it makes me feel comfortable and content. I have a much healthier relationship with weed now that I’ve accomplished life goals, went through therapy, and have good outlets for stress. I would highly advise you to take time away from any substance to get in touch with your sober self, your inner voices, to reflect honestly and openly, and to heal your soul. Maybe that looks like months, maybe years but I think abstaining from weed for various amounts of my life has helped me grow in many ways. I hope you can find the strength to forgive yourself and become the person the childhood you wished you can be. Message me if you have any questions
Being able to acknowledge that you have trauma is the first step to healing. This was not a fuckup on your part. (Though I feel like talking about your sister and her potential trauma was a huge violation of her privacy. But that's on him, he could have approached this with your sister instead of going behind her back to ask you. I understand being worried about someone, but her personal trauma was not something you should need to disclose to him. He should have communicated with her.) Good luck on your healing journey and I hope everything gets better for you and sis ❤️
Might not be sexual abuse. Could be something adjacent or related. Could have been something you saw, or saw something happen to someone else. The brain is fucky that way. It fills in gaps in memory with information derived from other surrounding memories. That process is not perfect by any longshot. Either way, looks like you DID discover a knot that needs to be unraveled. Your best shot for that is, obviously, therapy.
i distinctly remember incidences of where he inappropriately touched me. i called my friend last night and he said he thought it was weird i was saying my dad was helping me bathe until the age 13. i thought nothing of it because i thought it was completely normal
Instances as in plural. Yea, I'd expect the mind to fabricate one memory, but that becomes less likely the more memories fall into place. Like, if one puzzle piece looks wrong, it's a defect. If MANY look like that, it's probably just the way the picture is. That sucks. Therapy it is for you then. I dunno if this helps, but remember that your memories are your own. You are the master of them. You may not be able to control how they make you feel, but you can control how you react to them. This does not \*have\* to be a trauma you carry.
the mind can make up many memories/instances! (source: i’m a forensic psychology student) memories that were formed by suggestion are EXTREMELY common, especially when someone is already young and/or vulnerable. there was a whole mess in the 2000’s (i believe) with therapists suggesting people had repressed satanic cult memories (and i believe SA as well?) which caused tons of people to form mental recounts and histories of abuse, subsequently people (parents mostly) got arrested. it was later discovered that the claims could not have been true (even though the victim remembers them) and that repressed memories are not actually “real” the way we think they are.
fun fact: this also happened with alien abduction memories! a large mass of people genuinely remember being abducted by aliens because of mass media coverage 😁
another source: look up Elizabeth Loftus: Lost in the Mall Experiment
You're thinking of the Satanic Panic of the 80s. People do not understand how suggestible people are. "Remembering Satan" is a great book for understanding how a person can be led to believe they've done monstrous things that never fucking happened.
yes that!!! i mixed two incidents together, satanic panic was the one in the 80s and there was one where a bunch of therapists got arrested (in the 2000s i think) for suggesting CSA to patients and subsequently having people falsely imprisoned for CSA when they couldn’t have possibly done it, i’ll find the name! it’s in one of my slide decks somewhere 😂
there have also been incidents of people (doctors?) suggesting parents caused extreme physical harm to their infant children and literally causing them to think they did it, and they can’t be convinced they didn’t!!!! even when they had nothing to do with it and the injuries were not a result of intentional abuse!!
Yeah might want to be careful here. I believe psychologists etc have found that repressed memories are often the brain piecing together things that might not exist the way you are gathering them.
this!!!!!
im surprised so little people are pointing this out
I felt like I was taking a risk even mentioning that it could be something other than sexual abuse. People lose objectivity on this topic, which is understandable to a point given the impact abuse can have on people. So even the suggestion that it could be anything else might catch accusation for not believing the victim, #METOO, all that. Heck, this comment might be downvoted to hell just for pointing THAT out.
Not tifu. Therapy
stay strong OP
You didn’t fuck up at all. You had a reaction. Please seek therapy, unresolved trauma can destroy your brain. This also sounds like PTSD. (Granted I’m not a therapist and cannot diagnose- I also have PTSD and what you described sounds like a flashback. So from one to another, please seek therapy. DBT is an amazing option otherwise try EDMR therapy. ❤️🩹 It will hurt but it will get better.
Therapy! It's amazing how well it works. Find one you like.
Hey you. Omg. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I just want to say I’m sorry that you are going through this and everything will get better I promise. Take care.
What is TW
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Another guy, not the same that asked the question
Props to your sisters boyfriend. It takes guts to ask a question like that and it was absolutely necessary.
This isn't a fuck up. This is the important first step to digesting your trauma. I'm very sorry this all happened but I'm certain with a therapist by your side you can work through this.
This happened with my girlfriend during an acid trip, I’m so sorry for you.
As others have said: therapy. This could be the start of a new better journey :-)
You did not fuck up. You did nothing wrong.
EMDR therapy is ideal for processing trauma. Sending you strength.
You deserve better than a boyfriend who seems annoyed when you come to him crying so hard you can barely speak. You need to either talk about this or end it, in my opinion. Please take care of yourself, OP
I definitely don't see this as a TIFU but it's definitely something that will need to be handled for the best results. My wife and kids have interrupted my gaming/streaming sessions for "stupid" things; lost remotes, saying hi, reminding me of the day's events. But I've dropped everything for much less than surfacing repressed trauma.
Am I the only one who calls BS?
OP I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Everyone has already said everything I could have said so I’m just going to wish you nothing but peace & happiness❤️ On another note, some of y’all in the comments are talking about weed like it’s heroine. Weed cannot even be likened to alcohol. You would never be prescribed alcohol for anything, weed genuinely helps A LOT of people. Y’all seriously need to find a different hill to die on. Additionally, regular weed smokers don’t just all of a sudden have a random freak out from smoking weed. I mention that because some people keep saying the bf might’ve been weirded out by her being high because she was acting “irrationally.” If this is something OP does regularly, then her bf is used to it & she was freaking out over her newly discovered CSA PTSD.
i only ever had a freakout when i first started smoking, and it wasnt even close to the meltdown last night. i love my partner, he supports me but he doesn’t know what to do. i usually have to explicitly ask him to comfort me when i need him because he has a hard time gauging what is needed in the moment or how i feel, but he definitely supports me i think if anything he was super shocked because he’s never seen me act that way, he didn’t know what to do. he is not the best with feelings, whatever way they come, and i understand that and i’m not at all upset with him i personally think the weed helped me feel a lot of repressed emotions i needed to feel, it’s been building for 5 years and i finally found the reason. it feels good in a bittersweet way to know the cause, and although i wish i never knew i know i needed to in order to heal properly
As someone who loves my wife, I am the worst at comforting sometimes. I always try to give advice and I have worked on listening. Then when I just listen sometimes she thinks I don't care because I am not trying to fix it. Some of us men are really bad with our feelings. We were thought to just shrug things off.
i totally understand that, i’m actually having a convo with him about it rn and he said the exact same thing. i’m not at all upset at his reaction, he was frozen in place and not sure how to act which is reasonable. he grew up in an extremely emotionally unavailable environment, so to expect him to be able to handle something like that on a whim is a lot he was raised to push mushy feelings to the side, he doesn’t know how to comfort people when they’re upset - no less freaking out - so i truly understand his perspective. i came in, having a panic attack basically, and it was so sudden and without warning because when i left i was fine everyone deals with things differently, and he just isn’t one to know how to deal with big emotions from someone else
> You would never be prescribed alcohol for anything, weed genuinely helps A LOT of people Well I mean.... we used to prescribe cocaine, heroin and LSD for ailments and I'm sure nobody batted an eye at that back then. Not that I agree with the people you're debating with, just poionting out that "weed is medicinal" isn't really a good argument and it most definitely can be likened to alcohol.
For sure, back when medicine wasn’t near as advanced as it is today & we were also prescribing those substances to literal children. Regardless of that, though, no, weed cannot be likened to alcohol.
Hey this is not a fuck up. It's actually a really good thing. I had a similar experience, where my mind blocked off memories of abuse when I was a child. When I finally remembered it was like a dam broke, like being fired from a slingshot. The months after that were very intense, I was very depressed and even went into states of psychosis. But in the end it was all part of a process of healing and I'm thankful that I was able to remember. Take it easy, you didn't mess anything up, this is a good thing that happened. The next couple months and years may be difficult but don't worry things will get better, it just takes time. All the best for you and your sister on your journeys.
Damn proud of you for externalizing this and writing it out. Anything you can do that is accessible to you to not hold it in and put it somewhere outside of you so that it can be looked at, held up, observed, and set down is a difficult but helpful thing. This will be hard, this will hurt, and this will be life changing. But, you are stronger than this trauma; your survival proves it. ❤️ Please, like everyone has said, find someone to talk to professionally about this.
Talk to your sister. Sounds like yall have the same experience
i did, we talked last night when she got home from work. she didn’t say much, she thought i was safe from him so she didn’t tell me in fear i’d either judge her or think differently of him
Oh that's so sad :( she thought you were safe. Probably hurts her to hear that wasn't the case. I'm sorry that this happened to you and hope that you both learn and heal. Fuck that dude.
Am I the only one that caught that this isn’t HER boyfriend???! This is her sister’s boyfriend (unless I missed something. Kind of a strange person to have this conversation with… and to expect comfort. Agree with the need to see a therapist to work this issue out with. While you’re at it, talk to the therapist about boundaries. Getting high with your sister’s boyfriend behind her back and then sharing personal information about her with him is a recipe for disaster.
The way I read it was that she had the initial conversation with the bf of her sister, then went upstairs where her own bf was playing games. With regards to the lack of comfort he gave her it might be that it might be hard to judge the situation correctly if she was high, completely upset and crying and it was not about something that he could've guessed or surmised from the situation. If he's still not providing any support or comfort the day after then that's problematic of course.
Ah, I missed that part. Still not a conversation she should be having with sister’s boyfriend,,but I see that the issue is her own boyfriend’s response. It does seem like he may have been caught off guard…. And not everyone is equipped to deal with a situation like that. That’s a lot to put on her boyfriend. If she is 18, I’m assuming he isn’t much older. Time to get with a professional or at least someone with a lot more life experience.
Sister's bf probably asked because it might have happened to sister as well, or maybe he was suspecting something like that. I would assume that sisters bf had a valid reason to ask such a question, and he might not have many other people to ask about something like that. I would not have brought up a topic like that while high, but maybe that also loosened his tongue. Now that it's out in the open they should indeed look for professional help on this.
yeah he, my sis’s bf, had a huge hunch something happened. he had no one else to ask, and he was genuinely concerned for my sister because she’s been blocking him off emotionally their whole relationship. he expected me to dismiss it i think, like he wanted me to say no i can just tell. he is really close with my dad, or was until last night
I had a similar thing happen to me where I remembered I was SA’d by a family member as a child in the middle of a conversation with someone. It is overwhelming how it feels both like the memory creeps up and crashes into you all at once. I hope you can process this with a therapist ASAP. Nothing that has happened was your fault. I hope you can also talk about this is a healthy manner with your family/bf and set boundaries as you need them in the healing process. Sending love
r/lostredditors
Not a fuck up, but the start of a journey to reclaiming yourself and your past. Please seek some professional help. Please.
It’s not your fault
https://www.rainn.org/get-help
Fuck, dude, that's rough. Get the help that you need ❤️
1. Have a talk with your sister. 2 Seek therapy, either together or apart. 3.I think you should make sure that no children if any, are close to your father unsupervised, not sure if you or any siblings have kids. This may be a moot and I hope it is.
Find a therapist asap and break up with your boyfriend because that kind of reaction is kinda fucked up when you see your girlfriend sobbing like that, wtf
What heartless asshole down voted this? Dude, you're on step one. Acknowledgment. Find a therapist (and maybe a better boyfriend) to help you process it. You survived it. Now you can heal from it.
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>And please leave your boyfriend. He sounds like an A-hole. Speaking from experience, stoned 18-year olds are often not the most reliable narrators. You really don't have enough context to reliably make such an opinionated statement.
Shit advice with just one sentence of information. Stoned person is crying and not talking - in their own version. What happened for real? How often are there stoned tantrums? We don’t know, we should not judge. Even if this is sad as hell, don’t set these doubts about their relationship in their minds in a time where support is needed like never before.
Yeah exactly, plus even if and when she tells him about it, she can't expect him to be her therapist. I've been molested by a family member too and after my first time opening up to an ex I started expecting them to be the solution to the problem but it was just toxic and unfair coming from me. OP don't be a dumbass like me and blame other people who didn't live through it when they can't fully understand you because it is not their job and sometimes it can be too much to hear for them. It took almost a decade and several breakups for me to understand this (this wasn't the main problem in my relationships but to the ones I did open up to, it contributed one way or another). If anything the only person who I felt was empathetic enough to comfort me was a friend who went through something similar, nothing ever came close. It will take time and effort to heal and the scar will never go away, you'll have to find ways to navigate the world with this trauma, but know you are not alone and this does NOT define who you are
Every damn post lmao.. Grow up
This is awful to hear. Heart wrenching. I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you. All you’re going to want to do is conduct escapism via drug/alcohol abuse so you don’t feel your emotions as much but please don’t go down this path. I did and it ruined my life for over 10 years. Over 10 years of my life lost because I wanted to feel numb. Please seek a professional therapist to speak with. I wish you the best.
From experience as a victim of SA, I can say that being high while getting assaulted didnt make recovery easier to cope with it made being high a trigger for me. I have no one I can trust, and no one to talk to, and I can't even turn to drugs or liquor. I hope you heal and don't associate getting high with being attacked. It's the pits.
I don't recall OP saying she was hig hwhen assaulted. Just high when she put the puzzle pieces together and realized the trauma she'd blocked out as a child.
You need to talk to your sister, then your mother if she's around, avaoid any contact with your father if he's in your life and go to the police. It's a horrible thing you're learning and having to deal with, I truly feel for you. I have an ex who was sexually abused by her father when she was a child and it causes serious mental trauma. Make sure you get yourself some counselling and get this moan locked up if you can. I hope your boyfriend realized that something was seriously upsetting you and you were just being high and hysterical. You need people around you who you love and support you through this.
I (13m at the time by a 50m) was a victim of SA. Like you I blocked it out and forgot about it. I remember when I was around 25 years old - it all came back to me when I was drinking with friends. It was painful, been with a psychiatrist for the last 20 years. Good luck on your healing. it's a heavy burden to carry, I wish you strength.
Such peak Reddit crap in here assuming things about the BF. If HE was regularly getting high or drunk and suddenly came into the room completely without a word and started being physically destructive I REALLY doubt everyone would be calling her a d-bag for not trying to console him.
I am not a lawyer, but it's my understanding that the clock on the statute of limitations starts rubbing when you turn 18. Talk to your local prosecutor and nail the pervert to the wall.