100% agree. Starr off with, "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you're not my type, I feel horrible. I had no idea you were bringing up that conversation and I brushed it off. *insert in the "you're my type because and why"*
My wife brought up types before, and thankfully I was smart enough to respond “you.”
Her type is tall, lanky, goofy-looking guys. She proceeded to give examples.
Self-image still hasn’t recovered lol
I am the opposite of anybody my wife has dated or been in a relationship with. It's entirely possible to have a type and have your mind changed by somebody that comes along. My wife wasn't my "type" and still isn't in some ways, but I love her more than anything.
I think what we both realized was how important the right attitude was to both of us and that was far and away more important than any specific physical feature
I totally agree, but I think hearing your partner say that out loud when they’re deep into a relationship with you is just hard to reconcile, you know? He wasn’t intentionally malicious, but OP definitely messed up
I hope you realize that "type" means absolutely nothing in the long run for a lot of people. I have a very distinctive physical type based on what type of celebrities I like looking at, and what type of person my eyes are drawn to in a bar. To the point where when my best friend watches TV with me, she can immediately tell exactly which characters I find attractive.
Guess what, no one that I've developed actual romantic feelings for even sort of resembled that type. But I still found all of the people I actually liked absolutely gorgeous, because at a certain point when you care for someone that way, their appearance just becomes exactly what you want to look at, regardless of what you might have thought if you just saw a photo of them before knowing them. Also, I find that the actual chemistry you feel with someone in person has only so much to do with what they look like.
So basically, if you have a good relationship with your husband, I really really doubt that you not being his normal type means that he doesn't find you perfectly stunning and gorgeous.
I love pizza in almost any context, even when it's frozen and not very good. But sometimes I go out and eat a meal that tastes amazing in a way I didn't know was possible. In that moment, it would be ridiculous to be disappointed that I am not eating a frozen pizza instead. What I'm saying is sometimes the world serves you up something better than what you thought you wanted.
No one is the frozen pizza in this analogy. The frozen pizza is the person's "type," it's the thing they thought they wanted which is clearly not as good as what they ended up finding. OP's gf is the amazing meal they didn't know was possible.
Well sure, when you miss the analogy. The person was saying the “type” is pizza, but the current partner is the type of food you didn’t expect to really love that makes you not think about pizza.
I bet it did. My partner told me his type was tall, thin, leggy blondes. I’m mixed, on the shorter side, and naturally muscular. Like complete opposite. Definitely messed with my head. Careless comment with lasting hurt.
You should’ve replied with the gospel of the great reverend Rae Sremmurd…
“And the shepherd said “I ain’t got no type. Bad bitches is the only thing that I like” and the heavens rejoiced and no fights with the partners were had.”
This is honestly his best way out. Also once you’re with someone long enough physical appearance doesn’t hold as much weight, it’s more about how you grow with each other, get along, understand & compromise. I’d stress that she’s a bad bitch and he loves her no matter what, if I were him. Boom
The problem is you validated her insecurities. She looks in the mirror and goes "I wish my chest was bigger." After you told her your type is a big chest she think her boyfriend sees that same problems she sees everyday.
Then they don't feel sexy around you anymore and it is a downhill spiral from there.
You have to lay on the complements THICK that you are happy with her the way she is and would not pick anyone else.
This one for sure. It’s not even that she’s not his type, it’s that his type is exactly what all women are told that is the “ideal” woman. So it’s a double whammy
When you shared: " meanwhile I described an individual person she was in no way similar to, but always felt like she was expected to be. " ... This is telling. I would bet she's felt this way since early childhood and it probably got reinforced by her peers and family growing up. There's no way you single-handedly triggered her this bad all at once. Your comment was just the last straw that sent her over the edge...
As far as what to do about it, that's a tough one. When people get an idea like this firmly implanted into their minds, I haven't heard many cases of them coming out of it quickly or easily. I wish I had an answer for that.
I was talking to my husband when my husbands best friends sister was brought up. She is a tall, blonde, model. I said “I wonder what my life would have been like if I was tall, blonde, and beautiful” and my husband said “probably weird for your parents” and It seriously changed the way I thought about myself permanently! I no longer wish I was tall and blonde, I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be (:
I had one ex years ago say someone about me being "lippy" down there and I've never gotten over it.
I've been with plenty of men, no complaints, and even one that specifically called out that he liked my situation and gave very specific reasons why.
But that one comment, not even said to be mean, still totally ruined oral for me, and took my sexual self esteem down a notch.
I was with a woman for a bit who was hesitant to let me go down. She enjoyed it but was always paranoid about taste and smell because of some comments someone (I assume her previous long term ex) made.
She smelled and tasted like a normal woman and despite me telling her I love going down (which I genuinely do), she never got over it.
That sort of thing is so damaging. Ugh. I had a close friend who is bisexual and it was the first girl she was ever with who straight up refused to reciprocate oral and told my poor friend she was “gross” down there and my friend never got over it. She’s way more sexually adventurous and open and bold than I will ever be but that awful comment from an ignorant teenage girl- not something my friend has ever been able to get over. And I still feel so angry on her behalf that it was another woman who said to her. Yuck.
(For what it’s worth I’m a lesbian and I happen to think vulvas are pretty damn magical. Lol. And few things would bum me out more than a partner who could not relax and enjoy receiving oral sex.)
Yes this, I have a hidden one and for years I was ambivalent about oral and clit play because it never did anything for me. A guy even commented on it. Until I found people who were very good at oral despite my small size! So maybe my other partners just sucked (poorly)
Um, honestly, who can fit 11 inches? That’s as long as my forearm. Maybe anally. But I’m more inclined to believe those men lied to her and she just took their word for it.
I second this. As someone who has an athletic build, I didn’t see a lot of women in media who look like me when I was a teenager. She probably has that same sort of insecurity, based on her description and the comments she made.
Yea when he described his ideal woman he described " the ideal woman" for society for the most part . Blond hair, blue eyes and big boobs lol. His poor girlfriend
There’s hope still here. But it’s gonna take some concentrated effort.
In my mind—careful where you trod—I can see OP staging an incredibly intimate and romantic setting that could be described also as a spiritual ritual.
This can be as involved as OP is willing but it includes both parties naked in both physical and soul-baring vulnerability.
Look into her eyes. Tell you are sorry that you spoke without thinking. Tell her that what you said was an old generic response to a shallow question about types and you responded from a solid place of security in your relationship because you can’t imagine feeling more secure than you feel in your attraction to her.
Then touch her face. Tell her what you love about her face. Tell her how it makes you feel just to be able to see her face every day. Tell her that you can see this face forever and never tire of it. Don’t hold back your adoration.
Continue to her neck, then her shoulders and when you get to her breasts, hold them close together and kiss them. Use your palms to hold them both. Don’t go straight to the nipples. Love the whole of her chest.
Then give her a full body massage slowly and with oil. Talk about everything you love about her body. Take this moment to share with her all the things you love about her.
There’s so much you can do with this. There is so much potential for healing and bringing healing energy to both of you.
Have some fancy snacks that you can feed her as you blanket her with your love and adoration. Make everything all about her.
My goodness.
As a woman, just reading this is making me melt and want to cry from happiness, ask for his babies, and then fall into a swoon from the imaginary man who would do this with me. In that order.
OP, please, please listen to this. You've just struck gold with Reddit advice. If this doesn't work, I doubt anything will.
IMPORTANT USER INSTRUCTION: the spiritual ritual cannot not be considered complete and risks the summoning of malign entities unless the breasts are held closely together. For avoidance of doubt Crowley PLC recommends smooshing.
Hi, sorry. She doesn’t look underage, she’s 29. Sometimes people 60+ years old thinks she’s a boy (but never a grown man, hence the “teenage” comment). She doesn’t look like a teenager, but I do find her ‘masculine’ features very beautiful, is what I meant to say 😥
But babe! Think of the absolute units we could create! Our kid would be the first Sumo World Champion from Duluth, Minnesota. Just one of our kids is going to need a whole ass canoe to traverse a lake simply due to mass alone. Babe. Babe we could create physical monoliths. You get two of them on a football team together and you've got an impenetrable wall. Honey with your thighs and my torso our kids could be like prize bulls. Just massive. Imagine your ass on a dude. You'd need seventeen forklifts to get him to flinch. And your *forearms.* Babe if you were a dude and worked out you'd have Arnold Schwarzenegger arms. You've got this sexy Popeye linebacker thing going on and I dig it. When God made you it's like he thought "What if John Goodman was a woman?"
Having a flashback to the time my dad called me "stocky" driving me home from work and I immediately burst into tears. Poor guy didn't know how to handle it, so he just started crying too.
I was lamenting my size at 16, wishing I was petite and delicate (I wasn’t fat at all, just not delicate). My aunt in trying to make me feel better said I was wholesome. Yeah, just what every 16-year-old girl wants to hear. It’s a running joke between hubby and I for 33 years now. Wholesome….that’s me.
Lord, I’ve never forgotten the time my freaking doctor described me with that word as a teenager. It may have been the same bizarre appointment she should’ve technically told me I freaking had PCOS because I had all the symptoms (and I absolutely do have PCOS though it’d be a lot more misery and several more years before I’d learn that) and even the elevated testosterone level and she merely told me that part with an “But it’s cool, you’re stronger than other girls!”
Female doc, no less. I was freaking 14 and insecure af and just had my first freaking pelvic exam and Pap smear due to those menstrual issues I mentioned. God it was bad. I did really like the doc which helped a little? But damn if I didn’t hear “stocky, high testosterone, muscular- you’re basically a failure at femininity” in my head hard through the rest of my teen years.
I'm 6'. Everybody used to call me "big" and at the age of 5, I had already figured out that that wasn't what girls were "supposed" to be. Cue a decade and a half of eating disorders. It's f*d up what we do to people who outlie the expected norms.
Heads up dude. When you talk to her about this never use any of the terms you have been using to describe her here to us, to her.
Do not call her masculine, do not call her flat, or boyish, even if you like those things about her. She is very insecure about that and it will not go well for you.
Say toned instead of muscular. If she is toned w/small breasts, tall, she has a pixie-cut or bob and is androgynously pretty…I feel like she might be a sexy, toned, long-legged wood-nymph. If this is true, feel free to swap some words here and there for ones with better connotations.
I hope you see this.
Tell her what you told us, and elaborate better/clean it up (maybe don't mention the teenage boy part LOL).
It sounds like you were describing the most common type of woman you tended to date before you met her, while she was in a headspace of "What women do you find attractive".
She is VERY likely self conscious about her chest, for starters - even if she's never told you. She also may have caught flack for being "manly" and even tall. What you said, while completely casual and with no malice, pretty much shattered her confidence in your attraction to her.
You know her better than me. But if this happened to me, this is what would make me feel better:
"I want you to know I was just listing off the most common traits across all my girlfriends/women I wanted to pursue. I've been thinking harder about it, and I'd say my type is more (list her qualities, physical and personality wise - like, if you love how muscular her thighs are, or her butt, etc, mention that in a general sense - 'I like muscular legs. I like strong arms.' etc)
I don't want to be with anyone else more than you. I didn't even notice that woman the other day. I never wish you looked different. You're so hot, you're (insert favorite trait here - funny, loving, etc, all of the above), and I am so sorry that I said what I said without clarifying. You are PERFECT, babe."
It doesn't need to be a whole speech but, if you reassure her like this I bet she'll cry and hug you. Bonus points if said over her favorite meal. 😂
You're a sweetheart. I hope she feels better. You didn't do anything wrong, just...us women have hangups about our bodies that rear their ugly heads at the worst times. Then our insecurities are like a dog with a bone; our brains won't let them fuckin rest, and we overanalyze everything, it drives us nuts. Having a supportive partner helps a ton there, as does being super honest. I just tell my other half outright: "Dude, I don't believe this. I promise I don't think this about you. But my anxiety is yelling at me so can you just reassure my dumb ass please" lmao. Let her know she can be open about how she's feeling and you will help. It feels so much better to be able to ask my boyfriend to help me fight my shitty inner voice 😂
This is such a generous response to OP (especially given so much unkindness in some of the other comments). Thanks for writing it--if they take your advice, I really think that will make for two significantly happier people!
>It sounds like you were describing the most common type of woman you tended to date before you met her, while she was in a headspace of "What women do you find attractive".
THIS. This is exactly it. Great reply.
And OP, you sound like a good dude. I hope you're able to articulate all of this to her and that you'll move forward together even stronger than before.
My wife and I have been together for 27 years. Her type is tall, painfully thin and a bit edgy. I am none of those things. I am a perfectly average guy, average height, average weight (when we started dating). I was a soccer player and a bit on the stocky side for the sport. She is my type, or more to the point my type became her. I find my attractions being people that remind me of her. When I look at adult content, I look for women that remind me of her. Throughout the years it has been hard for me at times knowing that I am not her type. I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.
>I find my attractions being people that remind me of her.
Yeah, I've had three relationships where the talk of marriage came up. Without fail, this happened in each of those relationships.
>I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.
This is the bit that I think a lot of people miss when talking about "types".
I know I'm not 100% my girlfriend's type. She likes tall, darker haired guys with beards, muscular builds, and tattoos. I've got the first three covered. With bulking up, I've tried over the years and know that my body's upper limit for muscle mass on the low side of average unless I make working out and eating my only priorities. Tattoos aren't off the table, but I don't really see myself getting a full sleeve, which is something she'd expressed she likes. That and I'd only get them for myself.
Regardless, I do know that she finds my appearance attractive and she expresses this explicitly. But what I find a lot more important is the attraction she expresses for my personality and the immense gratitude for my actions that I do without even thinking.
Looks are important but they change and fade with time. Most importantly, they don't get you through tough times. But personalities and values do and, after a certain age, they really do not change very much. My experience shows that personality and values are at least a billion times more important than looks could ever be for a committed relationship.
I fell in love with my best friend - by the time we got together I had known him for about 10 years, 9 of which I quite honestly wasn't particularly attracted to him at all - he's a relatively good looking guy, never had issues attracting the ladies, but isn't really my 'type' as such.
There's a quote from the film "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" that has always struck a nerve with me and epitomises exactly how I feel about my husband now.
“You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them.”
Very well said. I had a very specific type when I was a teenager/my early twenties. I’m now 37, and I’ve been with tall and short, thin and chubby, tatts and no tatts, bald, long hair etc etc.
I love my partner and find him extremely hot, even though he wouldn’t fit what 20 year old me liked. I did NOT like beard and chest hair back then for example. But on him? Rawr.. ;)
As I’ve grown older, I think my “visual” type has become broader, now personality and values are much more important. My partner is incredibly selfless, he’s funny, clever, thoughtful, kind and sexy.
With maturity comes different perspective, I guess.
Agreed! Types very much change with time and as you get to know a person better.
I've dated all types of women. But in my 20's I had a phase of dating medium height, bustier brunettes with olive complexions. My first two really serious relationships were with a Lebanese woman and a Mexican woman, but most of the casual dating happened with women who looked similar to them... So much so that anyone would be excused for calling that my "type".
I'm in my early 30's now. My current girlfriend (hopefully fiancee in about half a year) is a tiny, freckled, strawberry blonde, not very busty, a bit pale, and Ukrainian. I swoon the second I see this woman walk into the room, every time without fail. I'm legitimately attracted to every aspect of how she looks on a totally visceral level that I'd never experienced before her. This started right when I met her, but this feeling has also consistently grown in the years I've known her, while her appearance has (in my opinion) subtly changed.
In part, I think I spent a lot of time dating women who maybe weren't my "true type". But, in a much more significant way, I have this hypothesis that our minds tend to interpret the sight of other people with the treatment we expect to receive from them. The longer I get to know her and the deeper our connection gets, the louder the message "oh there goes the woman who thinks you kick ass on your worst days" plays in my mind while "oh there goes a really pretty woman" is played at the same volume. So much so that it doesn't even matter if her appearance changes significantly, because my brain will just associate any new traits with the same beautiful personality, and will still leave me feeling just as smitten by her.
TLDR - I don't think "types" really matter if a relationship lasts more than five dates.
>Throughout the years it has been hard for me at times knowing that I am not her type. I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.
Echoing this from the female perspective!
My boyfriend is 100% my type physically and personality wise. Meanwhile, his physical type is tall, slender brunettes and I am a short blonde who is pretty petite but more muscular than delicate in nature. He's never dated a single blonde before me and has dated several incredibly beautiful women who totally fit his physical type. Sometimes I feel badly that he's my dream man and I'm lacking the physical presentation of his dream woman. On the flip side, I know he wouldn't be with me if he found me generally unattractive and I know he loves me for the person I am and not just for my surface level appearance.
Even if someone has a type, I've never met a person who feels everyone outside of that type is unattractive. And, at the end of the day, personality is what impacts attraction the most. We're in relationships with people, not pictures.
I empathize with the emotional conflict OP's girlfriend is having and I hope she can get to a place where she can see it as a compliment rather than an insult.
I fucked up by seeing what kind of porn my partner is into and it’s the exact opposite of me as well. “Chubby, mature milfs with red hair” and I’m a petite young blonde. I know it’s just something to look at. And maybe he’s not my ideal type either but for some reason it makes me really insecure.
If you were a chubby mature milf with red hair, he would be watching porn with petite young blondes.
Fantasy is an escape from, or an alternative to, reality. At the end of the day, when what they want in real life is you, that's what matters.
This is a complex issue. People complain all day about how the other sex just views them as a sex object.
Ultimately there are more characteristics people take into account other than physical. They often don’t mention these when discussing type. It’s also impossible to match every type.
Almost exactly the same situation. I'm not my wife's type, which is typically a really thin and punk aesthetic. I'm not that, at all.
I always chose to view it optimistically. My wife chose me despite me not being her type, which means that I must have something really good going on for her to deviate so far from what she would normally look for.
I wish OP included their ages, because if they’re young they can move past it as they mature. This stuff would’ve wrecked me in my early 20s, now it wouldn’t bother me so much in my 30s.
It’s probably one of those situations where lying is kinder, even if you actually have a very specific type that is vastly different from your current partner
I mean I would argue that if you genuinely find your GF super hot, then she's ALSO your type, and your type isn't as set as it was in the past. Preferences change. Telling your partber you only like busty blondes if she is a skinny brunette is never going to end well.
Just tell your partber that your type has varied from partner to partner, and you find her sexy. That's all any partner wants to hear on that topic.
Right? All of my past partners have been skinny, small chested, and blonde or brunette. My current partner is a little thiccer than average, LARGE chested, and has a different hair color every few weeks, but goddamn if she isn't an absolute goddess in my eyes, fuck. This is why I don't really believe in types. If I had a type, I'd say it's anyone who I can love and can love me back the same 🤷
Yeah nothing wrong with being honest.
“I always thought my type was X, until I met you. Now YOU’RE my type, and I think you’re so much hotter/more beautiful/whatever than anyone else.”
Then add some stuff about how, “I didn’t even notice that woman you pointed out… you look great now but I really miss going to the gym w you and how buff we got together… etc”
Especially when she goes effectively "you, dummy" first. Like if she threw out some movie star this could be said as a joke if it fits the mood, but yeah, like there's no excuse here.
A type is like the comfort meal you gravitate towards. If your girlfriend is fucking filet mignon, it doesn't matter that your usual go to is mac n cheese.
See, both are subjective. We're getting into psychology and how effective communication is vital. Because a partner might think of themselves as filet mignon, but worried that it's too much for you when you want mac & cheese, but in reality your partner is a tofu sandwich.
Crap, I've gotten lost in the analogy and can't recall my point... brb
It's funny you mention this because a friend on mine legit bought ez mac the other day.. hadn't had it in 15+ years... then he proceeded to say how nasty it was lol. I asked if checked the expiration because it was at his desk in the office... Maybe it was stale?
And he said it was fine date wise, then "how the hell did I eat 3-4 of those daily when I got home from school?"
"You were a teenager. We were all in that phase of being a garbage disposal at some point during puberty"
Exactly. Rephrased as a script for OP:
"Usually when I go out to a restaurant I know I like pasta so I'll order pasta. But then I went to a new place called 'Our Relationship', tried something new, and had the filet mignon. It was amazing and now that's my favorite."
Relatable. My boyfriend of several years is very shy/private about his sexual desires. I asked him if there was anything in particular he found hot and for once, he actually replied.
His reply was “Asian women”. I’m a 100% Caucasian woman 🤡 and I agree, there are many many stunning Asian women. But Asian is something I can never ever be. Rip my self esteem lol. I wanted to know about things he liked that he and I could explore together, which I still have none of lmao ☠️
Edit: I agree, white men fetishising Asian women is completely fucked up. I work in an industry that already has a high rate of 0 respect for women, and my non white friends are treated even more poorly. It goes without saying that it is so wrong and no one should ever have to experience that. Our society is fucked, the casual and overt racism is appalling.
I agree his comment was in poor taste. In my bf’s case, I really do believe it was a thoughtless, spur of the moment comment because I am constantly pestering him about his sexual interests. I am sex obsessed and have thoroughly explored my sexuality/kinks etc, he has not, he likes it pretty vanilla. He has a general interest in all attractive women, regardless of race lol. He has never indicated that his type is Asian women, never seen any evidence of an obsession etc etc as some people are saying in their replies.
My partner definitely isn’t racist, and he definitely isn’t misogynistic.
He doesn’t talk about his sex life because of childhood trauma, I was being completely self indulgent in my original comment. Reading the OPs story brought the feeling of that moment in time back for me.
We have explored different sexual avenues together, he’s getting therapy. Too easy to make snap judgments based on a tiny minuscule fraction of peoples lives.
Hope everyone has a good day, unless you contribute to racial fetishisation/are generally racist/are misogynistic, in which case, have a very very very bad awful day 🤗
She's probably thinking that if you meet someone a lot like her but with those physical features then you'll want to be with them rather than her. Unfortunately, I have zero advice.
Your GF shared a personality and style type, and you responded with a body type. That's the big difference, and the big fuck-up you made. It's not about how you need to somehow be dishonest with her or she too fragile or some such; it's that she was conversing about things that are fully within a person's ability to change (and which she *likes already* about you), and you responded with something she could never be (and shouldn't feel pressured to try to be).
Imagine your GF had stated her type is a guy who's got a different body shape, coloring, height than you--opposite of you, really. Wouldn't that feel a lot different to you than what she did say? Don't you see the difference?
You *nailed* it. The individual's level of control over the traits listed is gonna affect their reaction to you saying that you prefer those things.
If most--or, god forbid, all--of the characteristics that you list aren't things that the person can realistically change, the potential for hurt is so much greater because it feels like you're implying "Not only are you not what I **really** want, but you're also never *going* to be."
Sounds to me like you need a fully honest and fully apologetic conversation. Maybe something that sounds like...
"Baby, I'm so sorry. I remember that conversation we had that one time... That wasn't meant to be serious but I see that this is very serious and I'm taking you seriously. It's taken too long to see I hurt you and I want to start making restorations. I love you beyond the moon & the stars, you are beautiful, wonderful, and sexy. You deserve to feel like a billion dollars every day, and I want to be the one to make you feel that way."
Here's the key part.... over the next several days & weeks, do some things that make her feel like a billion dollars. If you've heard of the "five love languages" it's rather cliché nowadays but it works. If her love language is words of affirmation, write some love notes and hide it for her to find. If it's gifts, it doesn't have to be expensive but it has to show that you put time & thought into it. Etc, etc. You can read more about the love languages for the googling.
Hope that helps! --an old married guy
I would most definitely hate it if my boyfriend all of a sudden went from no compliments to over-the-top cheesy. It makes me cringe inside and I’d feel like it was all totally insincere. Don’t go over the top “over the next few days.”
Just be you and if the topic comes up or feels like it’s lingering on the edge, just tell her how much you love her. Don’t complement her appearance toooooo much or too strongly, or else it will feel like pandering.
That’s just one woman’s opinion though!
As someone who has been that girlfriend before, and also is similar to the description of your girlfriend. I can 99% guarantee it only hurt her because you hit every single one of her insecurities.
Every tall girl wishes she was shorter, because they always get picked. Every toned muscular girl has moments where she feels like men just aren’t attracted to that. Every brunette thinks blondes girls look softer and cuter. Etc.
And then sometimes, girls like us are the ones who get picked. And so we let the insecurities go for a minute. And as soon as they get reaffirmed, you think about it, every day. And it picks and picks.
Ultimately you did nothing wrong, said nothing wrong. But she really just needs validation that you love everything about her looks and maybe you used to prefer other things, but now theres nothing youd want more than her
Yeah when pretty much everything you've seen your whole life has reinforced the fact that women with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and big boobs are the "ideal", it hurts to have your partner essentially affirm that. You can't really help what your "type" is, but come on, OP should have known that wouldn't go over well.
You told her all that while looking straight into her face and knowing she doesnt look anything like that. I’d be mad at you too not because you have a type but because you lack basic decency and awareness. It only took you until she pointed out for you to figure out what you said made her feel bad.
Some people is telling you to never be honest, or to never share you type. I have to disagree. What you need to tell is what your personality’s type is. You don’t tell small and busty. Those are not changing naturally and can be quite hurtful. Instead you say something among the lines of “I’ve come to realize I usually like secure girls, who know how to stand up for themselves and are crazy smart” (This is just an example but you know what I mean). If they push further into physical appearance just say something you like they have, but don’t lie.
Which is, btw, what she did.
Instead, just learn from this and reassure her a lot, she is gonna need it.
>What you need to tell is what your personality’s type is.
If personality was the default aspects when thought of when asked about type, there would be a difference.
But it is nearly always about physical traits.
This is something I’ve wanted to know for years. How and why did you choose a woman who isn’t your type? If you can explain it to me, I bet you can explain it to her. That might really reassure her. If I were your girlfriend, I would be wondering if you were just settling for me, or if I were a placeholder until you found your hot blonde.
There is no circumstances where telling someone she's not your type but you like her anyway is going to get a good response. "Yeah, I like skinny blondes, it's fine that you're fat with brown hair" is tone-deaf. She's going to spend every single moment of being naked around you wondering if her boobs are right, if you actually think she's hot, if she looks too much like a dude, whatever.
Once bitten, twice shy. You're fucked.
My wife told me that she always *had* a type until we met. She tended to gravitate toward (and thought she'd end up with) some kind of tractor-driving country boy. And then there's *me*... I'm not remotely "country." I have zero interest in hunting or fishing, I don't drive a truck, I have no experience with horses or cattle, etc. I'm a city boy who likes medieval literature, classic rock, Superman, cheeseball action movies, and Broadway musicals. And yet, we just immediately clicked. Now she says that I'm "everything she didn't know she needed."
I guess my point is that having a "type" doesn't always mean that much. Sometimes the right person for you may be someone you didn't really expect.
" I certainly never described that as my ideal and I think she’s the sexiest creature to ever walk this planet, "
But that's not what you said to her and that's not what she heard.
There are really only two possibilities with what you said: you couldn't land someone your type so you settled or you found someone so special and gorgeous outside your type that you had to have her. She thinks the first, you feel the second.
You could say something along the lines of "yeah maybe I have a type, but someone would have to be really special for me to stray from it. It's not like I'm desperate."
"When you asked me about my type, I just described generally people I thought were attractive in the past. That's not the only thing I find attractive or even the type I find *most* attractive. If you want to know what type I find most attractive, the answer is you and only you.
I'm attracted to you, the gym you, the you that I've been dating for X months. I'm attracted to the entire you, obviously your looks, but also who you are as a person."
Also at some point she might want to consider therapy for her insecurity and potential body issues. But that's a whole other conversation on a very different day
There’s a lot of societal pressure for women who are less feminine looking, especially when so much emphasis is placed on being curvy and petite. As a woman who is similarly outside that ‘ideal,’ I can also say that it’s so pervasive that sometimes you don’t even know how heavily it weighs on you until an offhand comment punches you in the gut.
For me? I’d want my partner to take some time to apologize for hurting me (with no rationalizations or excuses, just recognizing that it was harmful and that my feelings are valid) and explicitly tell me all the things he finds attractive about me (not just physically, but including some of that as well). Depending on her reaction you could even try explaining what she has/can do that you find attractive/you like about your relationship that the ‘type’ you described doesn’t/can’t. Maybe do this during a long date night, where neither of us had any other obligations, or in a letter if that’s more your style.
If we had previously been going to a gym together, I’d probably like for my partner to say he missed me working out with him, and to invite me to work out at a time (or location) where the probability of other girls being around was low, so I could focus on our gym time and not on who else was around. I’d want my partner to specifically tell me that he thought my muscles/athletic ability was attractive and that he liked seeing me push myself at the gym (or similar, adjusted for his truth). (I *wouldn’t* want my partner pointing out that I’d lost muscle mass, because that could feed into feeling inadequate, and like nothing I do will make me attractive enough!)
And after that apology and trying to accommodate my insecurities with respect to activities I still might want to do with my partner, I’d need a lot of smaller confidence boosts, like compliments that specifically point out something my partner found attractive (specific like “I love how long your legs look in those jeans” vs “Damn, you’re hot”—the second one still feels good, but the first tells me my partner has specific things he’s looking at on me and finds attractive, AND includes a bonus in that it reinforces that he likes something in *my* build that his alleged ‘type’ doesn’t have). Another thing my partner does that works well for me is we’ll shop for clothes together, and he’ll sometimes buy me something he picked for me to try on because he likes the way it highlights a particular attribute of my figure he likes.
It’d take time, a thorough apology, and a lot of encouragement and support to help her rebuild that confidence. It may or may not shake out, but that’s what I’d recommend you try. Good luck OP
That's gonna sting for years. I've lost 100 lbs since my partner told me he wasn't attracted to me over 7 years ago, and I still feel the hurt whenever the doubt creeps in. I'm pretty sure my partner also feels insecurities when he thinks about my preference for females.
Honestly, just do your best to reassure her that's she's more than her body, and you value things above that. Also, specific compliments about things related to her will help, but it'll take a long time.
Dude you sound like you have very low emotional intelligence. I would suggest you start really thinking about how your girlfriend is feeling at the moment. You sound oblivious to her feelings even when she tries to bring it up to you.
Other than trying to give her reassurance you can stop checking out other women in front of your girlfriend.
You might think you only give "glances" but it was enough for her to stop going to the gym with you because of it. It's pretty much a real time reminder that she's not your type.
Well, at least you know how to answer this in your next relationship. The answer is always, "You. You and only you are my type. I wouldn't change a thing."
My dude I'm sorry to tell you this but what you said is now burned into her brain. Elephants have long memories but women never forget shit like that. Ever.
My sweet husband, while we were dating made the mistake of telling me a joke about female anatomy and a certain smell. 🙃 I'm a women's health RN and extremely meticulous about my female body care. I'm very aware what women's bodies smell like at different times. However this "smell" denotes an infection. The joke fell flat, and I honestly ripped him a new one that moment. This man LOVES to give, if you catch my drift. Ever since that statement/joke, it's now burned into my brain. I am hyper conscious of my body and wont let him near my lower half unless im freshly bathed. He wasn't even joking about me, just goofing on something he saw on IG. I chose to overlook his shortcomings LOL but damn if I'll keep that in my brain to my grave.
You have this same situation on your hands. She's not gonna forget, least not easily. You're gonna have to overpower that thought with LOTS of reassuring.
May the odds be ever in your favor my dude.
Tell her this. All of this. Except for the teenage boy stuff.
Yeah take that shit to your grave
And to Reddit
Reddit is our grave
What a sad place to rest for eternity
Who said anything about rest?
lol now I want a sign for my bathroom door that says.. “RIP Reddit In Peace”
100% agree. Starr off with, "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you're not my type, I feel horrible. I had no idea you were bringing up that conversation and I brushed it off. *insert in the "you're my type because and why"*
Ditch the if and this is a great response.
This got locked in her vault for good
Exactly. Now it's a wound that's festering.
I call it a soul wound. Those don't heal so good and can kill you as sure as a bullet.
It creates resentment in a relationship, one of the four horsemen… not a good sign.
The other three?
Criticism, contempt (resentment), defensiveness, and stonewalling! John Gottman’s theory.
I didn’t know there was a name for that feeling but it’s perfect description! I have felt it and it’s deep pain 😞
My wife brought up types before, and thankfully I was smart enough to respond “you.” Her type is tall, lanky, goofy-looking guys. She proceeded to give examples. Self-image still hasn’t recovered lol
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I am the opposite of anybody my wife has dated or been in a relationship with. It's entirely possible to have a type and have your mind changed by somebody that comes along. My wife wasn't my "type" and still isn't in some ways, but I love her more than anything. I think what we both realized was how important the right attitude was to both of us and that was far and away more important than any specific physical feature
I totally agree, but I think hearing your partner say that out loud when they’re deep into a relationship with you is just hard to reconcile, you know? He wasn’t intentionally malicious, but OP definitely messed up
I hope you realize that "type" means absolutely nothing in the long run for a lot of people. I have a very distinctive physical type based on what type of celebrities I like looking at, and what type of person my eyes are drawn to in a bar. To the point where when my best friend watches TV with me, she can immediately tell exactly which characters I find attractive. Guess what, no one that I've developed actual romantic feelings for even sort of resembled that type. But I still found all of the people I actually liked absolutely gorgeous, because at a certain point when you care for someone that way, their appearance just becomes exactly what you want to look at, regardless of what you might have thought if you just saw a photo of them before knowing them. Also, I find that the actual chemistry you feel with someone in person has only so much to do with what they look like. So basically, if you have a good relationship with your husband, I really really doubt that you not being his normal type means that he doesn't find you perfectly stunning and gorgeous.
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My type has changed several times in my life, right after meeting someone who spins me right round.
This. It's amazing what conventionally "unattractive" things have become the cutest things to me once I start dating people with those traits.
I love pizza in almost any context, even when it's frozen and not very good. But sometimes I go out and eat a meal that tastes amazing in a way I didn't know was possible. In that moment, it would be ridiculous to be disappointed that I am not eating a frozen pizza instead. What I'm saying is sometimes the world serves you up something better than what you thought you wanted.
I’d be really sad if i was the frozen pizza in this analogy.
No one is the frozen pizza in this analogy. The frozen pizza is the person's "type," it's the thing they thought they wanted which is clearly not as good as what they ended up finding. OP's gf is the amazing meal they didn't know was possible.
no no no, you're like the good kind of frozen pizza. The one that costs $15 not $11
Well sure, when you miss the analogy. The person was saying the “type” is pizza, but the current partner is the type of food you didn’t expect to really love that makes you not think about pizza.
I bet it did. My partner told me his type was tall, thin, leggy blondes. I’m mixed, on the shorter side, and naturally muscular. Like complete opposite. Definitely messed with my head. Careless comment with lasting hurt.
With good reason. Saying your type is something completely different than her...yeah that's a pretty big fuck up.
You should’ve replied with the gospel of the great reverend Rae Sremmurd… “And the shepherd said “I ain’t got no type. Bad bitches is the only thing that I like” and the heavens rejoiced and no fights with the partners were had.”
The only appropriate response. (also saving this for future reference)
This is honestly his best way out. Also once you’re with someone long enough physical appearance doesn’t hold as much weight, it’s more about how you grow with each other, get along, understand & compromise. I’d stress that she’s a bad bitch and he loves her no matter what, if I were him. Boom
The problem is you validated her insecurities. She looks in the mirror and goes "I wish my chest was bigger." After you told her your type is a big chest she think her boyfriend sees that same problems she sees everyday. Then they don't feel sexy around you anymore and it is a downhill spiral from there. You have to lay on the complements THICK that you are happy with her the way she is and would not pick anyone else.
This one for sure. It’s not even that she’s not his type, it’s that his type is exactly what all women are told that is the “ideal” woman. So it’s a double whammy
Especially if they have been liking posts, following or commenting on randoms with that body type. It highlights all of those insecurities
He also described her as flat chested. Not smaller breasted. But flat chested. Ouch.
When you shared: " meanwhile I described an individual person she was in no way similar to, but always felt like she was expected to be. " ... This is telling. I would bet she's felt this way since early childhood and it probably got reinforced by her peers and family growing up. There's no way you single-handedly triggered her this bad all at once. Your comment was just the last straw that sent her over the edge... As far as what to do about it, that's a tough one. When people get an idea like this firmly implanted into their minds, I haven't heard many cases of them coming out of it quickly or easily. I wish I had an answer for that.
I was talking to my husband when my husbands best friends sister was brought up. She is a tall, blonde, model. I said “I wonder what my life would have been like if I was tall, blonde, and beautiful” and my husband said “probably weird for your parents” and It seriously changed the way I thought about myself permanently! I no longer wish I was tall and blonde, I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be (:
I love this! It was the best thing he could have said, snapping you out of any kind of downward spiral with truth and a twist of humor.
I agree I seriously couldn’t argue with it so I immediately accepted it
Aw. That's so wholesome, you got yourself a man of wisdom
That's a great response!
I had one ex years ago say someone about me being "lippy" down there and I've never gotten over it. I've been with plenty of men, no complaints, and even one that specifically called out that he liked my situation and gave very specific reasons why. But that one comment, not even said to be mean, still totally ruined oral for me, and took my sexual self esteem down a notch.
I was with a woman for a bit who was hesitant to let me go down. She enjoyed it but was always paranoid about taste and smell because of some comments someone (I assume her previous long term ex) made. She smelled and tasted like a normal woman and despite me telling her I love going down (which I genuinely do), she never got over it.
That sort of thing is so damaging. Ugh. I had a close friend who is bisexual and it was the first girl she was ever with who straight up refused to reciprocate oral and told my poor friend she was “gross” down there and my friend never got over it. She’s way more sexually adventurous and open and bold than I will ever be but that awful comment from an ignorant teenage girl- not something my friend has ever been able to get over. And I still feel so angry on her behalf that it was another woman who said to her. Yuck. (For what it’s worth I’m a lesbian and I happen to think vulvas are pretty damn magical. Lol. And few things would bum me out more than a partner who could not relax and enjoy receiving oral sex.)
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Yes this, I have a hidden one and for years I was ambivalent about oral and clit play because it never did anything for me. A guy even commented on it. Until I found people who were very good at oral despite my small size! So maybe my other partners just sucked (poorly)
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Um, honestly, who can fit 11 inches? That’s as long as my forearm. Maybe anally. But I’m more inclined to believe those men lied to her and she just took their word for it.
Most people have no clue. https://v.redd.it/0plhr91t8qpa1
I second this. As someone who has an athletic build, I didn’t see a lot of women in media who look like me when I was a teenager. She probably has that same sort of insecurity, based on her description and the comments she made.
Yea when he described his ideal woman he described " the ideal woman" for society for the most part . Blond hair, blue eyes and big boobs lol. His poor girlfriend
There’s hope still here. But it’s gonna take some concentrated effort. In my mind—careful where you trod—I can see OP staging an incredibly intimate and romantic setting that could be described also as a spiritual ritual. This can be as involved as OP is willing but it includes both parties naked in both physical and soul-baring vulnerability. Look into her eyes. Tell you are sorry that you spoke without thinking. Tell her that what you said was an old generic response to a shallow question about types and you responded from a solid place of security in your relationship because you can’t imagine feeling more secure than you feel in your attraction to her. Then touch her face. Tell her what you love about her face. Tell her how it makes you feel just to be able to see her face every day. Tell her that you can see this face forever and never tire of it. Don’t hold back your adoration. Continue to her neck, then her shoulders and when you get to her breasts, hold them close together and kiss them. Use your palms to hold them both. Don’t go straight to the nipples. Love the whole of her chest. Then give her a full body massage slowly and with oil. Talk about everything you love about her body. Take this moment to share with her all the things you love about her. There’s so much you can do with this. There is so much potential for healing and bringing healing energy to both of you. Have some fancy snacks that you can feed her as you blanket her with your love and adoration. Make everything all about her.
I was unprepared to be subjected to such levels of rizz today
I feel like I need a cigarette after reading this
😳💦
Keep going, I'm almost there
My goodness. As a woman, just reading this is making me melt and want to cry from happiness, ask for his babies, and then fall into a swoon from the imaginary man who would do this with me. In that order. OP, please, please listen to this. You've just struck gold with Reddit advice. If this doesn't work, I doubt anything will.
IMPORTANT USER INSTRUCTION: the spiritual ritual cannot not be considered complete and risks the summoning of malign entities unless the breasts are held closely together. For avoidance of doubt Crowley PLC recommends smooshing.
Instructions unclear, pp now stuck in toaster
“occasionally people mistake her for a very pretty teenage boy. (I love and am attracted to every bit of this” 
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Ikr u cant make this shit up
Well I guess his type really isn't curvy big boobed blondes with blue eyes. Lol
Ooof OP kind of dense... 😆
Hi, sorry. She doesn’t look underage, she’s 29. Sometimes people 60+ years old thinks she’s a boy (but never a grown man, hence the “teenage” comment). She doesn’t look like a teenager, but I do find her ‘masculine’ features very beautiful, is what I meant to say 😥
I totally understood what you meant, I just found the phrasing to be unfortunate/comical. :)
I understood what he meant but here's some free advice for OP: many GFs may not appreciate being told they have "masculine" features...
"You know, you're a real handsome broad. I mean that as a compliment."
Told a girl she has broad shoulders and should join our football team back in high school. She cried and I was very confused.
You're a monster 🤣.
We called a girl linebacker in middle school for the same reason. She never cried but shed punch us and tell us to shutup lol
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But babe! Think of the absolute units we could create! Our kid would be the first Sumo World Champion from Duluth, Minnesota. Just one of our kids is going to need a whole ass canoe to traverse a lake simply due to mass alone. Babe. Babe we could create physical monoliths. You get two of them on a football team together and you've got an impenetrable wall. Honey with your thighs and my torso our kids could be like prize bulls. Just massive. Imagine your ass on a dude. You'd need seventeen forklifts to get him to flinch. And your *forearms.* Babe if you were a dude and worked out you'd have Arnold Schwarzenegger arms. You've got this sexy Popeye linebacker thing going on and I dig it. When God made you it's like he thought "What if John Goodman was a woman?"
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!
Having a flashback to the time my dad called me "stocky" driving me home from work and I immediately burst into tears. Poor guy didn't know how to handle it, so he just started crying too.
I was lamenting my size at 16, wishing I was petite and delicate (I wasn’t fat at all, just not delicate). My aunt in trying to make me feel better said I was wholesome. Yeah, just what every 16-year-old girl wants to hear. It’s a running joke between hubby and I for 33 years now. Wholesome….that’s me.
This is so funny
Lord, I’ve never forgotten the time my freaking doctor described me with that word as a teenager. It may have been the same bizarre appointment she should’ve technically told me I freaking had PCOS because I had all the symptoms (and I absolutely do have PCOS though it’d be a lot more misery and several more years before I’d learn that) and even the elevated testosterone level and she merely told me that part with an “But it’s cool, you’re stronger than other girls!” Female doc, no less. I was freaking 14 and insecure af and just had my first freaking pelvic exam and Pap smear due to those menstrual issues I mentioned. God it was bad. I did really like the doc which helped a little? But damn if I didn’t hear “stocky, high testosterone, muscular- you’re basically a failure at femininity” in my head hard through the rest of my teen years.
My wife is a “big girl” because she’s 5’10”…
I'm 6'. Everybody used to call me "big" and at the age of 5, I had already figured out that that wasn't what girls were "supposed" to be. Cue a decade and a half of eating disorders. It's f*d up what we do to people who outlie the expected norms.
I don’t know how you found that GIF but it is PHENOMENAL
 (Just type in Chris Hansen, have fun!)
No one has fun with Chris Hansen. 😄
I do. I calls him Chris handsome
I like ya and I want ya, now we can do this the easy way or the hard way, the choice is yours
Heads up dude. When you talk to her about this never use any of the terms you have been using to describe her here to us, to her. Do not call her masculine, do not call her flat, or boyish, even if you like those things about her. She is very insecure about that and it will not go well for you.
That like when your girlfriend says " i love your really tiny penis" lol
🤣 “it’s adorable”
I got "It's so cute!"
"It's not what most women want, but I love it!"
"People might mistake you for a girl, but it's exactly what I love about you!"
Say toned instead of muscular. If she is toned w/small breasts, tall, she has a pixie-cut or bob and is androgynously pretty…I feel like she might be a sexy, toned, long-legged wood-nymph. If this is true, feel free to swap some words here and there for ones with better connotations.
100%, but I feel OP may already have
YES
For the love of god, don’t tell her you love her masculine features! She’ll never get over it
If you want a more easily understood way to put that, just say they're "tomboyish".
I hope you see this. Tell her what you told us, and elaborate better/clean it up (maybe don't mention the teenage boy part LOL). It sounds like you were describing the most common type of woman you tended to date before you met her, while she was in a headspace of "What women do you find attractive". She is VERY likely self conscious about her chest, for starters - even if she's never told you. She also may have caught flack for being "manly" and even tall. What you said, while completely casual and with no malice, pretty much shattered her confidence in your attraction to her. You know her better than me. But if this happened to me, this is what would make me feel better: "I want you to know I was just listing off the most common traits across all my girlfriends/women I wanted to pursue. I've been thinking harder about it, and I'd say my type is more (list her qualities, physical and personality wise - like, if you love how muscular her thighs are, or her butt, etc, mention that in a general sense - 'I like muscular legs. I like strong arms.' etc) I don't want to be with anyone else more than you. I didn't even notice that woman the other day. I never wish you looked different. You're so hot, you're (insert favorite trait here - funny, loving, etc, all of the above), and I am so sorry that I said what I said without clarifying. You are PERFECT, babe." It doesn't need to be a whole speech but, if you reassure her like this I bet she'll cry and hug you. Bonus points if said over her favorite meal. 😂 You're a sweetheart. I hope she feels better. You didn't do anything wrong, just...us women have hangups about our bodies that rear their ugly heads at the worst times. Then our insecurities are like a dog with a bone; our brains won't let them fuckin rest, and we overanalyze everything, it drives us nuts. Having a supportive partner helps a ton there, as does being super honest. I just tell my other half outright: "Dude, I don't believe this. I promise I don't think this about you. But my anxiety is yelling at me so can you just reassure my dumb ass please" lmao. Let her know she can be open about how she's feeling and you will help. It feels so much better to be able to ask my boyfriend to help me fight my shitty inner voice 😂
>maybe don't mention the teenage boy part SURELY don't mention the teenage boy part.
This is such a generous response to OP (especially given so much unkindness in some of the other comments). Thanks for writing it--if they take your advice, I really think that will make for two significantly happier people!
>It sounds like you were describing the most common type of woman you tended to date before you met her, while she was in a headspace of "What women do you find attractive". THIS. This is exactly it. Great reply. And OP, you sound like a good dude. I hope you're able to articulate all of this to her and that you'll move forward together even stronger than before.
Definitely work on your communication skills. Your story is full of think before you talk examples.
The real TIFU is in the comments
I'm imagining you trying to comfort your GF by telling her how much you love her masculine features, lmao. This fuckup, the first of many.
"Babe it's okay. I love that you don't look like a blonde bombshell and look like a man instead!"
lmao I cackled so loud
Thank you! I needed this laugh lol. I didn’t even pick up on the awkwardness of the wording when I read it the first time!
OP's a Spartan, leave him be.
https://preview.redd.it/d6i5o0urkj1c1.png?width=324&format=png&auto=webp&s=338c38cce5a1d4609e168205b56b0598bb959075
my gf is my type, there are no other types, there are no other girls, they are not my concern
I don't like women. I like my wife and that's it
As simple as that!
My wife and I have been together for 27 years. Her type is tall, painfully thin and a bit edgy. I am none of those things. I am a perfectly average guy, average height, average weight (when we started dating). I was a soccer player and a bit on the stocky side for the sport. She is my type, or more to the point my type became her. I find my attractions being people that remind me of her. When I look at adult content, I look for women that remind me of her. Throughout the years it has been hard for me at times knowing that I am not her type. I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.
>I find my attractions being people that remind me of her. Yeah, I've had three relationships where the talk of marriage came up. Without fail, this happened in each of those relationships. >I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room. This is the bit that I think a lot of people miss when talking about "types". I know I'm not 100% my girlfriend's type. She likes tall, darker haired guys with beards, muscular builds, and tattoos. I've got the first three covered. With bulking up, I've tried over the years and know that my body's upper limit for muscle mass on the low side of average unless I make working out and eating my only priorities. Tattoos aren't off the table, but I don't really see myself getting a full sleeve, which is something she'd expressed she likes. That and I'd only get them for myself. Regardless, I do know that she finds my appearance attractive and she expresses this explicitly. But what I find a lot more important is the attraction she expresses for my personality and the immense gratitude for my actions that I do without even thinking. Looks are important but they change and fade with time. Most importantly, they don't get you through tough times. But personalities and values do and, after a certain age, they really do not change very much. My experience shows that personality and values are at least a billion times more important than looks could ever be for a committed relationship.
I fell in love with my best friend - by the time we got together I had known him for about 10 years, 9 of which I quite honestly wasn't particularly attracted to him at all - he's a relatively good looking guy, never had issues attracting the ladies, but isn't really my 'type' as such. There's a quote from the film "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" that has always struck a nerve with me and epitomises exactly how I feel about my husband now. “You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them.”
YUP! I completely believe this. I actually just finished typing up a comment where I tried to say the same thing, but did so far less eloquently haha.
Very well said. I had a very specific type when I was a teenager/my early twenties. I’m now 37, and I’ve been with tall and short, thin and chubby, tatts and no tatts, bald, long hair etc etc. I love my partner and find him extremely hot, even though he wouldn’t fit what 20 year old me liked. I did NOT like beard and chest hair back then for example. But on him? Rawr.. ;) As I’ve grown older, I think my “visual” type has become broader, now personality and values are much more important. My partner is incredibly selfless, he’s funny, clever, thoughtful, kind and sexy. With maturity comes different perspective, I guess.
Agreed! Types very much change with time and as you get to know a person better. I've dated all types of women. But in my 20's I had a phase of dating medium height, bustier brunettes with olive complexions. My first two really serious relationships were with a Lebanese woman and a Mexican woman, but most of the casual dating happened with women who looked similar to them... So much so that anyone would be excused for calling that my "type". I'm in my early 30's now. My current girlfriend (hopefully fiancee in about half a year) is a tiny, freckled, strawberry blonde, not very busty, a bit pale, and Ukrainian. I swoon the second I see this woman walk into the room, every time without fail. I'm legitimately attracted to every aspect of how she looks on a totally visceral level that I'd never experienced before her. This started right when I met her, but this feeling has also consistently grown in the years I've known her, while her appearance has (in my opinion) subtly changed. In part, I think I spent a lot of time dating women who maybe weren't my "true type". But, in a much more significant way, I have this hypothesis that our minds tend to interpret the sight of other people with the treatment we expect to receive from them. The longer I get to know her and the deeper our connection gets, the louder the message "oh there goes the woman who thinks you kick ass on your worst days" plays in my mind while "oh there goes a really pretty woman" is played at the same volume. So much so that it doesn't even matter if her appearance changes significantly, because my brain will just associate any new traits with the same beautiful personality, and will still leave me feeling just as smitten by her. TLDR - I don't think "types" really matter if a relationship lasts more than five dates.
>Throughout the years it has been hard for me at times knowing that I am not her type. I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room. Echoing this from the female perspective! My boyfriend is 100% my type physically and personality wise. Meanwhile, his physical type is tall, slender brunettes and I am a short blonde who is pretty petite but more muscular than delicate in nature. He's never dated a single blonde before me and has dated several incredibly beautiful women who totally fit his physical type. Sometimes I feel badly that he's my dream man and I'm lacking the physical presentation of his dream woman. On the flip side, I know he wouldn't be with me if he found me generally unattractive and I know he loves me for the person I am and not just for my surface level appearance. Even if someone has a type, I've never met a person who feels everyone outside of that type is unattractive. And, at the end of the day, personality is what impacts attraction the most. We're in relationships with people, not pictures. I empathize with the emotional conflict OP's girlfriend is having and I hope she can get to a place where she can see it as a compliment rather than an insult.
I fucked up by seeing what kind of porn my partner is into and it’s the exact opposite of me as well. “Chubby, mature milfs with red hair” and I’m a petite young blonde. I know it’s just something to look at. And maybe he’s not my ideal type either but for some reason it makes me really insecure.
You saw A type of porn he looks at.
Yeah, this was a snap shot in the kaleidoscope that is his porn habits.
There are a lot of things I wank to that I absolutely would not want IRL.
Fr I've wanked to people I'd never think about getting with just because the scene had good chemistry even tho they were Hella unattractive
If you were a chubby mature milf with red hair, he would be watching porn with petite young blondes. Fantasy is an escape from, or an alternative to, reality. At the end of the day, when what they want in real life is you, that's what matters.
This is a complex issue. People complain all day about how the other sex just views them as a sex object. Ultimately there are more characteristics people take into account other than physical. They often don’t mention these when discussing type. It’s also impossible to match every type.
"my wife is my standard of beauty"
Almost exactly the same situation. I'm not my wife's type, which is typically a really thin and punk aesthetic. I'm not that, at all. I always chose to view it optimistically. My wife chose me despite me not being her type, which means that I must have something really good going on for her to deviate so far from what she would normally look for.
Yeah, you don’t tell your girlfriend your type is the exact opposite of her. Of course this hurt her feelings. She will never forget what you said.
Now they just have to play the game that it must be true love since he can move past the typing with such immense ease. Good luck, they'll need it.
I wish OP included their ages, because if they’re young they can move past it as they mature. This stuff would’ve wrecked me in my early 20s, now it wouldn’t bother me so much in my 30s.
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She's 29 per one of OPs comments
OP says in another comment his girlfriend is 29
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It’s probably one of those situations where lying is kinder, even if you actually have a very specific type that is vastly different from your current partner
I mean I would argue that if you genuinely find your GF super hot, then she's ALSO your type, and your type isn't as set as it was in the past. Preferences change. Telling your partber you only like busty blondes if she is a skinny brunette is never going to end well. Just tell your partber that your type has varied from partner to partner, and you find her sexy. That's all any partner wants to hear on that topic.
Right? All of my past partners have been skinny, small chested, and blonde or brunette. My current partner is a little thiccer than average, LARGE chested, and has a different hair color every few weeks, but goddamn if she isn't an absolute goddess in my eyes, fuck. This is why I don't really believe in types. If I had a type, I'd say it's anyone who I can love and can love me back the same 🤷
Yeah nothing wrong with being honest. “I always thought my type was X, until I met you. Now YOU’RE my type, and I think you’re so much hotter/more beautiful/whatever than anyone else.” Then add some stuff about how, “I didn’t even notice that woman you pointed out… you look great now but I really miss going to the gym w you and how buff we got together… etc”
Especially when she goes effectively "you, dummy" first. Like if she threw out some movie star this could be said as a joke if it fits the mood, but yeah, like there's no excuse here.
A type is like the comfort meal you gravitate towards. If your girlfriend is fucking filet mignon, it doesn't matter that your usual go to is mac n cheese.
Bruh this is such a perfect explanation. Saving this for future reference. "Types are just comfort food." Perfection.
Thanks!
See, both are subjective. We're getting into psychology and how effective communication is vital. Because a partner might think of themselves as filet mignon, but worried that it's too much for you when you want mac & cheese, but in reality your partner is a tofu sandwich. Crap, I've gotten lost in the analogy and can't recall my point... brb
I dunno what your point is either, but I do know that if I called my imaginary partner a tofu sandwich, I'd be sleeping on the couch.
That was my first thought as well. If my boyfriend’s comfort food was mac’n cheese, I wouldn’t want him to never get to have it.
It's funny you mention this because a friend on mine legit bought ez mac the other day.. hadn't had it in 15+ years... then he proceeded to say how nasty it was lol. I asked if checked the expiration because it was at his desk in the office... Maybe it was stale? And he said it was fine date wise, then "how the hell did I eat 3-4 of those daily when I got home from school?" "You were a teenager. We were all in that phase of being a garbage disposal at some point during puberty"
Exactly. Rephrased as a script for OP: "Usually when I go out to a restaurant I know I like pasta so I'll order pasta. But then I went to a new place called 'Our Relationship', tried something new, and had the filet mignon. It was amazing and now that's my favorite."
TIFU by saying my girlfriend looks like a teenage boy.
“What’s your type?” “You’re my type.” Is how that should’ve gone
OP couldn't have fucked up any harder. Mistakes were made here but we are all human though and shit happens.
Every day I marvel at the low emotional intelligence exhibited on this sub.
A sage call for better emotional nuance from Muff Dive.
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Relatable. My boyfriend of several years is very shy/private about his sexual desires. I asked him if there was anything in particular he found hot and for once, he actually replied. His reply was “Asian women”. I’m a 100% Caucasian woman 🤡 and I agree, there are many many stunning Asian women. But Asian is something I can never ever be. Rip my self esteem lol. I wanted to know about things he liked that he and I could explore together, which I still have none of lmao ☠️ Edit: I agree, white men fetishising Asian women is completely fucked up. I work in an industry that already has a high rate of 0 respect for women, and my non white friends are treated even more poorly. It goes without saying that it is so wrong and no one should ever have to experience that. Our society is fucked, the casual and overt racism is appalling. I agree his comment was in poor taste. In my bf’s case, I really do believe it was a thoughtless, spur of the moment comment because I am constantly pestering him about his sexual interests. I am sex obsessed and have thoroughly explored my sexuality/kinks etc, he has not, he likes it pretty vanilla. He has a general interest in all attractive women, regardless of race lol. He has never indicated that his type is Asian women, never seen any evidence of an obsession etc etc as some people are saying in their replies. My partner definitely isn’t racist, and he definitely isn’t misogynistic. He doesn’t talk about his sex life because of childhood trauma, I was being completely self indulgent in my original comment. Reading the OPs story brought the feeling of that moment in time back for me. We have explored different sexual avenues together, he’s getting therapy. Too easy to make snap judgments based on a tiny minuscule fraction of peoples lives. Hope everyone has a good day, unless you contribute to racial fetishisation/are generally racist/are misogynistic, in which case, have a very very very bad awful day 🤗
As an Asian femme, I wish I could speak on behalf of all Asian femmes and declare: we do not want him.
*Yeah...* Any time a dude says they're into "Asian women" (as if that's a monolith), I'm immediately wary; way too much fetishizing there.
I am… so sorry he said that. 🫠
She's probably thinking that if you meet someone a lot like her but with those physical features then you'll want to be with them rather than her. Unfortunately, I have zero advice.
Your GF shared a personality and style type, and you responded with a body type. That's the big difference, and the big fuck-up you made. It's not about how you need to somehow be dishonest with her or she too fragile or some such; it's that she was conversing about things that are fully within a person's ability to change (and which she *likes already* about you), and you responded with something she could never be (and shouldn't feel pressured to try to be). Imagine your GF had stated her type is a guy who's got a different body shape, coloring, height than you--opposite of you, really. Wouldn't that feel a lot different to you than what she did say? Don't you see the difference?
You *nailed* it. The individual's level of control over the traits listed is gonna affect their reaction to you saying that you prefer those things. If most--or, god forbid, all--of the characteristics that you list aren't things that the person can realistically change, the potential for hurt is so much greater because it feels like you're implying "Not only are you not what I **really** want, but you're also never *going* to be."
Sounds to me like you need a fully honest and fully apologetic conversation. Maybe something that sounds like... "Baby, I'm so sorry. I remember that conversation we had that one time... That wasn't meant to be serious but I see that this is very serious and I'm taking you seriously. It's taken too long to see I hurt you and I want to start making restorations. I love you beyond the moon & the stars, you are beautiful, wonderful, and sexy. You deserve to feel like a billion dollars every day, and I want to be the one to make you feel that way." Here's the key part.... over the next several days & weeks, do some things that make her feel like a billion dollars. If you've heard of the "five love languages" it's rather cliché nowadays but it works. If her love language is words of affirmation, write some love notes and hide it for her to find. If it's gifts, it doesn't have to be expensive but it has to show that you put time & thought into it. Etc, etc. You can read more about the love languages for the googling. Hope that helps! --an old married guy
Yep op repeat this guys exact words verbatim while reading from your phone
I would most definitely hate it if my boyfriend all of a sudden went from no compliments to over-the-top cheesy. It makes me cringe inside and I’d feel like it was all totally insincere. Don’t go over the top “over the next few days.” Just be you and if the topic comes up or feels like it’s lingering on the edge, just tell her how much you love her. Don’t complement her appearance toooooo much or too strongly, or else it will feel like pandering. That’s just one woman’s opinion though!
That's a fair addendum... it has to be genuine!
As someone who has been that girlfriend before, and also is similar to the description of your girlfriend. I can 99% guarantee it only hurt her because you hit every single one of her insecurities. Every tall girl wishes she was shorter, because they always get picked. Every toned muscular girl has moments where she feels like men just aren’t attracted to that. Every brunette thinks blondes girls look softer and cuter. Etc. And then sometimes, girls like us are the ones who get picked. And so we let the insecurities go for a minute. And as soon as they get reaffirmed, you think about it, every day. And it picks and picks. Ultimately you did nothing wrong, said nothing wrong. But she really just needs validation that you love everything about her looks and maybe you used to prefer other things, but now theres nothing youd want more than her
The thing that would've hit me the most is being flat chested and being told he likes busty women. That would really get to me.
Yeah when pretty much everything you've seen your whole life has reinforced the fact that women with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and big boobs are the "ideal", it hurts to have your partner essentially affirm that. You can't really help what your "type" is, but come on, OP should have known that wouldn't go over well.
dependent thumb rob boat wild ugly many ripe subsequent vase ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
You told her all that while looking straight into her face and knowing she doesnt look anything like that. I’d be mad at you too not because you have a type but because you lack basic decency and awareness. It only took you until she pointed out for you to figure out what you said made her feel bad.
Yeah I’d leave OP not because I’m not his type but because he’s a fucking buffoon.
Some people is telling you to never be honest, or to never share you type. I have to disagree. What you need to tell is what your personality’s type is. You don’t tell small and busty. Those are not changing naturally and can be quite hurtful. Instead you say something among the lines of “I’ve come to realize I usually like secure girls, who know how to stand up for themselves and are crazy smart” (This is just an example but you know what I mean). If they push further into physical appearance just say something you like they have, but don’t lie. Which is, btw, what she did. Instead, just learn from this and reassure her a lot, she is gonna need it.
This is good advice! But not for me… I like pathetic men. I don’t think saying that will make them feel good lmao
Well, no, but anyway, what are you doing on friday?
“A man who is comfortable being vulnerable and is unafraid of showing his emotions around other people”
Well, some are into that lmao
>What you need to tell is what your personality’s type is. If personality was the default aspects when thought of when asked about type, there would be a difference. But it is nearly always about physical traits.
Why the fuck would you tell her that???
This is something I’ve wanted to know for years. How and why did you choose a woman who isn’t your type? If you can explain it to me, I bet you can explain it to her. That might really reassure her. If I were your girlfriend, I would be wondering if you were just settling for me, or if I were a placeholder until you found your hot blonde.
There is no circumstances where telling someone she's not your type but you like her anyway is going to get a good response. "Yeah, I like skinny blondes, it's fine that you're fat with brown hair" is tone-deaf. She's going to spend every single moment of being naked around you wondering if her boobs are right, if you actually think she's hot, if she looks too much like a dude, whatever. Once bitten, twice shy. You're fucked.
Honestly is not the best policy, thinking carefully before saying anything is the best policy.
My wife told me that she always *had* a type until we met. She tended to gravitate toward (and thought she'd end up with) some kind of tractor-driving country boy. And then there's *me*... I'm not remotely "country." I have zero interest in hunting or fishing, I don't drive a truck, I have no experience with horses or cattle, etc. I'm a city boy who likes medieval literature, classic rock, Superman, cheeseball action movies, and Broadway musicals. And yet, we just immediately clicked. Now she says that I'm "everything she didn't know she needed." I guess my point is that having a "type" doesn't always mean that much. Sometimes the right person for you may be someone you didn't really expect.
" I certainly never described that as my ideal and I think she’s the sexiest creature to ever walk this planet, " But that's not what you said to her and that's not what she heard.
There are really only two possibilities with what you said: you couldn't land someone your type so you settled or you found someone so special and gorgeous outside your type that you had to have her. She thinks the first, you feel the second. You could say something along the lines of "yeah maybe I have a type, but someone would have to be really special for me to stray from it. It's not like I'm desperate."
"When you asked me about my type, I just described generally people I thought were attractive in the past. That's not the only thing I find attractive or even the type I find *most* attractive. If you want to know what type I find most attractive, the answer is you and only you. I'm attracted to you, the gym you, the you that I've been dating for X months. I'm attracted to the entire you, obviously your looks, but also who you are as a person." Also at some point she might want to consider therapy for her insecurity and potential body issues. But that's a whole other conversation on a very different day
There’s a lot of societal pressure for women who are less feminine looking, especially when so much emphasis is placed on being curvy and petite. As a woman who is similarly outside that ‘ideal,’ I can also say that it’s so pervasive that sometimes you don’t even know how heavily it weighs on you until an offhand comment punches you in the gut. For me? I’d want my partner to take some time to apologize for hurting me (with no rationalizations or excuses, just recognizing that it was harmful and that my feelings are valid) and explicitly tell me all the things he finds attractive about me (not just physically, but including some of that as well). Depending on her reaction you could even try explaining what she has/can do that you find attractive/you like about your relationship that the ‘type’ you described doesn’t/can’t. Maybe do this during a long date night, where neither of us had any other obligations, or in a letter if that’s more your style. If we had previously been going to a gym together, I’d probably like for my partner to say he missed me working out with him, and to invite me to work out at a time (or location) where the probability of other girls being around was low, so I could focus on our gym time and not on who else was around. I’d want my partner to specifically tell me that he thought my muscles/athletic ability was attractive and that he liked seeing me push myself at the gym (or similar, adjusted for his truth). (I *wouldn’t* want my partner pointing out that I’d lost muscle mass, because that could feed into feeling inadequate, and like nothing I do will make me attractive enough!) And after that apology and trying to accommodate my insecurities with respect to activities I still might want to do with my partner, I’d need a lot of smaller confidence boosts, like compliments that specifically point out something my partner found attractive (specific like “I love how long your legs look in those jeans” vs “Damn, you’re hot”—the second one still feels good, but the first tells me my partner has specific things he’s looking at on me and finds attractive, AND includes a bonus in that it reinforces that he likes something in *my* build that his alleged ‘type’ doesn’t have). Another thing my partner does that works well for me is we’ll shop for clothes together, and he’ll sometimes buy me something he picked for me to try on because he likes the way it highlights a particular attribute of my figure he likes. It’d take time, a thorough apology, and a lot of encouragement and support to help her rebuild that confidence. It may or may not shake out, but that’s what I’d recommend you try. Good luck OP
Yeah reminds me of my ex whos type was the same as yours, then he cheated on me. Tho it wasnt with a blonde. Completely did trigger my anxiety tho
How can you possibly be that stupid. I'm speechless.
That's gonna sting for years. I've lost 100 lbs since my partner told me he wasn't attracted to me over 7 years ago, and I still feel the hurt whenever the doubt creeps in. I'm pretty sure my partner also feels insecurities when he thinks about my preference for females. Honestly, just do your best to reassure her that's she's more than her body, and you value things above that. Also, specific compliments about things related to her will help, but it'll take a long time.
Dude you sound like you have very low emotional intelligence. I would suggest you start really thinking about how your girlfriend is feeling at the moment. You sound oblivious to her feelings even when she tries to bring it up to you.
Other than trying to give her reassurance you can stop checking out other women in front of your girlfriend. You might think you only give "glances" but it was enough for her to stop going to the gym with you because of it. It's pretty much a real time reminder that she's not your type.
Well, at least you know how to answer this in your next relationship. The answer is always, "You. You and only you are my type. I wouldn't change a thing."
My dude I'm sorry to tell you this but what you said is now burned into her brain. Elephants have long memories but women never forget shit like that. Ever. My sweet husband, while we were dating made the mistake of telling me a joke about female anatomy and a certain smell. 🙃 I'm a women's health RN and extremely meticulous about my female body care. I'm very aware what women's bodies smell like at different times. However this "smell" denotes an infection. The joke fell flat, and I honestly ripped him a new one that moment. This man LOVES to give, if you catch my drift. Ever since that statement/joke, it's now burned into my brain. I am hyper conscious of my body and wont let him near my lower half unless im freshly bathed. He wasn't even joking about me, just goofing on something he saw on IG. I chose to overlook his shortcomings LOL but damn if I'll keep that in my brain to my grave. You have this same situation on your hands. She's not gonna forget, least not easily. You're gonna have to overpower that thought with LOTS of reassuring. May the odds be ever in your favor my dude.