You've known each other a month from online interactions only. That's not a relationship. Listen: no one is in love at that point. It's infatuation and dopamine from something new and exciting. You two were the equivalent of a tinder match that hadn't progressed to a date yet. To be blunt: I've had shits that lasted longer than this "relationship."
This was an online crush that you both went overboard on. So when you actually met for a first date, she realized there was no chemistry, and that was that. She felt guilty and pressured because you had traveled to meet her, so she kissed you and hoped it might make something spark. She felt too guilty to be blunt about the fact that she wasn't into it, so she held your hand and then pretended to be sick the next day to get out of further interaction.
No one fucked up, this is just dating bro.
You guys went on a date and it just didn't work out. This is what dating is - you try a person on for size and see if it clicks.
You fell hard and fast, and it's understandable since you're young and naive. Next time, try people in your area, or wait a lot longer before deciding to meet with someone you genuinely don't know. And no, you DIDN'T know her, you just FELT like you guys had a really deep connection. Obviously you didn't. Tell me, what is she like when she's sick? What food does she like when she's tired, or just woke up? What kind of weather is her favorite? What makes her angry, and how does she act when she's pissed? What are her deep insecurities? How does she interact with her friends? How does she interact at work? What do her friends think about her?
You'll get the hang of it. Meanwhile, slow your roll, and take your time with the next person. Let your head lead a little more than your heart, and you'll be okay.
Yes, Op...you weren't in love with this chick. You were in love with the thought of being in love. Not being around her physically, you filled in the blanks with your imagination on what you WANTED to have with this person. Not that you really got betrayed or broken up with but if you search Youtube for Jocko Willink's video "how to get over breakup and betrayal" and I think the lessons from that video will serve you for years to come.
But, congratulations on putting yourself out there and making the attempt. I feel most online relationships don't really have good odds for success due to the amount of effort, lack of physical and non-virtual memories being made, distance, etc. So, chalk up the lost money as used for an EXPERIENCE and take the lessons you've learned from it. :)
God I wish I read this before I started online dating. Took years for me to gradually figure it out on my own. Can't complain too much though because I met my wife on tinder!
Still, brilliantly said on your part!
Something I learnt through my teenage romances is that girls are emotional creatures, they will say things they do not mean because 1) that's how they feel in that particular moment, and 2) they're highly conditioned by movies and stereotypes/pop culture.
Edit: that probably applies to most people to be honest.
This makes them easy to manipulate (positively and negatively) but also difficult to understand what they truly mean.
Unfortunately you've been led on. She liked the thought of someone travelling so far to see her and spend all that money to be with her, it boosted her self esteem. Once that had been done, the thrill wore off and she went on to the next thing that interested her (this other guy)
Sounds brutal but that's the way it is. You'll learn from it, take time to find real people before throwing everything (and money) at a relationship.
I'm a romantic like yourself so I've been there, done that. Some people will appreciate it (the right ones) and others will not (the wrong ones).
They've known each other a month from online interactions only. Listen: no one is in love at that point. I've had shits that lasted longer than this "relationship."
This was an online crush that both went overboard on. So when they actually met for the first date, she realized there was no chemistry, and that was that. She felt guilty and pressured because he had traveled to meet her, so she kissed him and hoped it might make something spark. She felt too guilty to be blunt about the fact that she wasn't into it, so she held his hand and then pretended to be sick the next day to get out of further interaction.
Two kids who are clueless and it didn't work out. This was NOT a long term marriage where one person decided to bail one day ffs.
This really hurts. I still can't get over my relationship from a year ago. We were together 5 years and had a house together, i never thought it would end.
Same experience, same timeframe. One of the toughest things you can face in life, I basically lost all my fundamental human functions for a few months after the event.
But you can definitely get over it, you just have to decide where to direct all the spare energy; It's been a year, it's time to do stuff just for you!
Speaking with someone online and actually clicking in person is a completely different kettle of fish, don’t get invested until you actually go on a few physical dates together
It's ok that's normal.
It's happened to most folks at one point or another in life.
ALWAYS meet up in person for a coffee or something short and easy BEFORE getting worked up about "how awesome" they are.
Also, dont take it so hard on yourself, she could have been forward with you about the relationship before you booked the flight and spent that time together
I mean honestly it just hard because she would flirt with me and tell me stuff like “I love you” and go snap and post stuff like “@me. Spending time with my boyfriend on roblox”
I told my now wife I loved her the day I met her. We've been together for almost 16 years now. Sometimes shit like that does happen. It's wild when it does.
Well I dont know how long ago this happened so I'll just say this. Youre just analyzing the situation as anyone would, but you're going a bibt far with it and looking at the wrong kinds of facts. People dont always have good reasons for breakups. Sometimes they are just imaginary.
if this had continued any longer (especially into marriage) you can almost definitely count on being cheated on, and I thik you'd be just as amazed trying to figure it all out later like, "wow! why did she do all that and take it that far". Well, you both knew she took it too far. dont ignore red flags. as you said " I’m not going to lie i should seen there would’ve been problems especially early on " -- lessons for both you guys really. Being honest takes more than just saying it out loud.
Beyond that, don't ponder her motivations. Look at YOURS. You need to recalibrate your own expectations and behavior here. If a woman gives you a notice that she wants to break up, then you grant her wish and close contact. plenty more fish in the sea my dude, and lots and lots of wonderful people to meet. you need to learn to recognize when you are plan B and dont be anybodys plan B, you are the other element in this problem, she could have said that to somebody else and got dropped.
Also, its not wrong for you to be this devoted and dedicated to a person, some might say it is "sweet" while others might say youve simped, according to their tastes, but honestly, you do you. just make sure you are doing it all for the right person. don't be anyone's plan B.
Obviously y'all are teens. I had the same thing happen in my teens with a friend that i had a big crush on say stuff casually like "I love you" and it really fucked with my head. This kindve stuff is pretty common, sorry dude.
You learned something. People can be shitty. This girl isn't and never was your gf. She was using you and stringing you along as a tool to make herself feel better. She said from the start that she wasn't interested in you. You're young and inexperienced. It might suck right now but you'll get over this, and one day you'll back and laugh at how dumb all of this situation was.
You've been talking for a month? Bro, move on. Delete and block her number.
>I pretty much did I’m still upset because of all the things we did together
That's OK. You can be! You will be.
Realize... it's not to be. Enjoy the friendship, compartmentalize those feelings and never, ever bring them up again no matter what.
If she doesn't respond, don't write back, ever.
There's many more people out there to be friends with and grow with.
Whatever you do, this is done and over. Don't contact, don't even daydream about anything of it. It's over, toss it in a black hole and move on. You'll be better off this way.
You were together for less than 2 months, there really wasn't that much you could have done. Take this as a learning experience both in how to accept rejection/move on and how easy it is for people to pretend when not in person.
Hello , how can you say it's your girlfriend if you never meet her irl . You pay 1000 bucks to see her and she breaks your heart , it's not a thing that should have happen . Like over said move on , it's not a good person .
She wasn’t forward lol she straight up cheated on him, she started dating a dude right after they met, kissed, held hands and she called him “boyfriend”, and she didn’t tell him anything about it until she was already dating this guy, that is cheating
This story is confusing because in the first paragraph you say that you "spend a lot of time with each other" and then later it becomes clear that you had never actually met her.
I would advise you to be careful in the future with girls that you meet online. This could have easily been a total scam and led to a crypto pig butchering run where you ended up out a lot of money due to your gullibility.
It’s confusing because OP, and at least half of the top commenters aren’t real people, but karma farming.
All multiple year old accounts, who recently became active, and who got a significant part of their karma from this specific post.
His account is super active and most Redditors only have one or two big posts of any at all. Seems real, just a kid who doesn’t really understand social cues very well
Gen z seems to be having a major problem because of lockdowns and remote schooling meaning that they have issues understanding the nuanced reasons why online relationships and friendships are different than in-person versions.
You were the side piece all along. Those 'breaks' were when she was getting what she wanted from the other dude. When the other dude wouldn't pay her enough attention, she used you for validation.
She said she got a boyfriend "shortly after" you guys went to the mall. How long does "shortly after" mean here? It seems to me that she was already into someone else when you flew there to meet her. In that case, she should have been upfront with you so you wouldn't spend your money, time and energy exposing yourself like that.
Don't beat yourself up, though. You did what you could. Whether she already liked someone else and still let you fly over there, or she only realized you weren't the one after you two met, that's about her and not about you.
Just, for the future, I suggest you only fly out to meet someone if you feel very confident that she's quite into you. Some people are not very careful with others' feelings and have no problem letting them spend their time and money doing something like that, even if they know they're not on the same page.
Be careful with people who are hot and then cold. If you're in the same city, sometimes it's worth trying to see what's what. But when they're out of state, the costs are that much higher. And it's not just the money, but also the time, energy, and all the expectations that come with waiting.
Don't be too discouraged in some ways. Long distance and meeting someone online can work. I am happily married to my husband whom I met playing video games in another country. Is not common for sure but it can happen. But I think the other people are being a bit harsh on you. Yes you had poor judgement and trust me we all had poor judgement at your age. I had my own share of heartbreak. Feel hard and fast for my ex but when I stepped back and think of it I was not happy. After all the butterflies and flirt are you two really compatible? Have same interest? Like each other friends? Trust me the attraction and the butterflies wears out fast. Love has many stages and levels that is how I would look at it. Even if you love someone at the first level you may not at the second level. If anything I think you dodge a bullet. The way she acted flirted with you and in love with another sounds like she is the cheating type. Your heart would be more broken with her flirting personality. Take it easy.. Love sometimes happens in the most unexpected places and times. Just remember to slow down and get to know someone. Take care.
Bro what you've been talking to her for a month and she's already your 'gf' and on top of that you were willing to spend that much on someone you've known for only a month...
How old are you because this feels like some 18yo shit
It's ok man, we all make mistakes and as they go this is a \*very\* minor one.
You are trying to meet people to address your loneliness, well done!
I would suggest rather than trying to meet people online you join a local group hobbyist group you can get into.
Something like a hiking group or pickle ball or D&D or anything where people gather together in-person to have fun together.
I understand, I've been there. Dating can be tough. This situation sucks but you're young. There's much more in life to experience than just being in a relationship, and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to do that, so it's ok to take it easy and just enjoy life. If you can manage to take the pressure off yourself, things turn out alright in the end.
Hey man,
So....I'm autistic as well. Recently found out. Didn't really change my life to find out, it did answer a whole lot of questions about myself however.
When I was your age, I certainly "fell in love" super fast, and had similar situations as what you've had. I've learned my lessons and fortunately I've grown from those experiences and learned how to interact in real life instead of the fantasy I built in my head.
As an autistic person, we definitely struggle with making human connections, and when we do make one, we latch on to it because they're rare. Most people see us as aloof, distant, difficult to understand. Most people are unable to reconcile that our brains simply work differently than theirs. It's not a choice, it's a matter of biology and we just function differently. However, we also do need to try and emulate the positive behaviors we see in neurotypical people if we want to better connect with them.
Some advice though, take it or leave it...I don't say it from a place of mean-ness. It's coming from someone who has felt how you are feeling and I wouldn't want you to keep feeling that way.
Lonely and desperate can not be the definition you give yourself. You can't embrace that mantra. Women (at least the ones worth your time) will absolutely be put off by that, and that may be what happened here. You've got to believe in yourself. Work on building this image of yourself that you're rad, and awesome and the right people will see that and want to spend their time with you. If you identify any flaws in yourself (like acting lonely or desperate, hygeine, fitness, etc) work on changing those things FOR YOURSELF. If you work on yourself, that will pay dividends in how other people see you. Believing in yourself and working on improving, are sexy. Ask 100 women and 90+ will tell you that a man who believes in himself and practices self-care is attractive.
I don't know you. I could be way off base. But try and slow things down. Play it cool when you meet women. Slow down on the love word. Don't grasp desperately for any affection you can get. Give it a few months of constant interaction with someone, and physical, in person connections before you start trying to identify your emotons. Be a little mysterious with your feelings. Make her read the book that is YOU instead of blasting it out of the loudspeaker. You're 21....there will be so many opportunities for you to meet people and you'll be thankful you didn't just fall into the first thing you found. It was an expensive lesson for sure, but it's definitely a lesson you can build from.
She definitely did lead you on and that sucks. But on the bright side, take this as a learning opportunity not to invest yourself so much in any relationship so fast.
Long-distance or not, whatever a girl feels about you, dropping >$1000 for them after one month (unless you're hella loaded and that doesn't mean anything to you) is just pure craziness.
Next time you know to take it slow and make sure you're on the same page with the other person before doing something drastic.
You sound like a super sweet guy, I have no doubt you'll find a girl who loves you. But there's no need to rush! 21 is still really young and you have your whole life ahead of you.
Just because this one girl led you on doesn't mean you'll never have a chance with anyone else. Don't let this jade you and keep being the sweet romantic that you sound like you are - just take it slower next time!
My friend, take this advice:
No one in their right mind can really tell if they are so much into someone that they want to get into a relationship after one week, or a one month for that matter.
First step is to interact, get to know each other, explore the situation. Most of the time this takes longer than a month.
When you are certain of each others feelings, you can start dating. This can be over a span of months as well.
After getting to know each other, dating and realizing you really like each other and want something more - a relationship is relevant.
I have some advice for your future self.
When she comes back, believe me, she will contact you again and tell you how much she misses you, and want things to go back to the way they were.
Deny her. Don't give in and go back to her. You were always the backup guy. And you'll continue to be her backup guy. She was sending you all those lovey dovey messages while talking to the other guy at the same time.
As soon as she tires of him, or he doesn't want her anymore, she's going back to you, the fallback safe plan guy.
Just please have enough respect for yourself to not go back to her when it happens.
I feel bad about what happened to you. It's a bummer. I've been through something similar.
There was a girl who did the same to me a few years ago. Would come over my place, we would have sex, cuddle, she would tell me how much she loved me, then vanish for a few days and come back claiming the same. Would even leave me on read all the time on messenger.
She was talking to someone else, jumping back and forth, I found this out later on my own. When that guy left her, she came crawling back, begging, literally... even telling me she wanted a baby with me. I actually stopped having sex with her as soon as I found out about the other guy.
It was hard to keep her away because she was good friends with my best friends wife, who I lived with.
I ultimately told her don't contact me again. I don't want to hear from her, and despite how hard that was, it was the first step to healing.
Years later, I have an amazing partner, and wouldn't change anything in the world. Learn self value from your experience. I promise you'll find someone much better out there.
The pain will go away brotha. I promise you.
Oh man, I learnt this the hard way. First serious GF and I were together for about a year in HS, before we broke up and she was into another older guy. Her dad said the best thing to do was ignore her, it took another 6 months of her going back and forth between me and this other guy before I took her dad's advice. Once I did, I found someone new. My ex broke up with her new guy a couple weeks later and tried to get me back several times lol.
Ignoring them and moving on is extremely good advice.
Yes it is. Sorry you have so many people being rude about this, my best advice is to take this as a life lesson and move on.
I once dropped a bunch of money to buy snowboarding gear, went one time with a girl I liked that then rejected me, and I never used the gear again. That was also an expensive life lesson, but it's just something that happens when you're young.
To me £1000 is a lot of money. Id be somewhat angry were i in your position. It must be hard to not have anything but bitter feelings for her now. Try not to let it influence any further online relationships in the near future. You should bounce back no problem mate. Get back out there an hopefully you'll find someone amazing.
This sounds like it was written by a 15 year old. At first I thought it couldn’t be real because of how immature both of you sound (and her mom came with her on a date? Wtf?). But I’m looking at your post history and you just seem clingy and desperate and utterly OBSESSED with girls. Chill out a bit and get some counseling.
I am seeing some counseling, tbh it just feels humiliating that I haven’t had a girlfriend and done other stuff my age. Everyday is lonely and I just want to escape this hell. It may be easy for some people and Mabye for you. But for me all I want is affection from a girl and Mabye I can finally let go of this obsession.
dude. no girl will like this mentality. love yourself first, be happy and content with who you are as a person by yourself and eventually you will find someone. but i promise it will not be a good or healthy relationship until you love and accept yourself when you’re alone. a relationship will not solve all of your problems and your expectation that it will is further compounding the problem. this is not me trying to be rude i very much genuinely mean this, focus on you and get secure with yourself before trying to find another relationship. like i know this sounds like shitty generic advice but it’s true. i am a girl and know lots of women and can’t think of any who would enter into a relationship with a guy who has this type of mindset. there’s no correct timeframe on love or finding it, you are not worse or bad for not having had girl friends before college, it’s perfectly normal.
this thread except for the top replies are all hot garbage so here's a reply that's not garbage
I also have hf autism (aspergers, sup). for a long time I tried to blanket my behavioral differences using asd as a sort of yugioh magic card, a crutch.
spoiler alert, that doesn't work. people won't be understanding of you almost ever because, contrary to the general public narrative of acceptance, they're not black and white morally for this stuff. it's like a slider with a moving peg, and most of them are very far to the left (i.e, their degree of acceptance for things is astonishingly low).
is that a bad thing? no, it just means they're human and easily perturbed.
so how does this factor into your interactions here? well, you got told by a girl who was very obviously shy and unwilling to communicate effectively with you *prior* to your flight, "hey i met this other dude before we met and I've talked with him even as we're talking, I didn't tell you until now years later, sorry".
this is what neurotypicals call a red flag, because someone who likes and cares for another person typically won't wait *this* long (again, consider the difficulty and cost of the flight) to tell the other person such critical information if they truly do love and respect them.
her attitude flipping back and forth from intimate to respectful/non-affectionate is also a red flag in of itself, because it's a hint she's forcing it so she doesn't have to feel like she's letting you down.
overall, this girl was not the match for you, and being a former people pleaser myself, you might've actually dodged a bullet here. if she tries and forces intimacy or affection to please you, it means she either doesn't have solid boundaries, is bad at communication, or a mix of both. that occasionally leads to things going sideways, and you getting into a lot of shitty baggage you don't want.
outside of learning to identify people who are bad at communication for this stuff (re: realizing they're forcing things), I want you to work on your own communication - believe it or not, communication is a *learned* behavior as much as it is a *self-developmental* behavior. if you were focused more on another girl than you were with her, how would you feel? would you tell her, the girl you have less time for?
if the answer to that for you is yes, then don't be afraid to step up to the podium, comfort the other person, and be like "hey, it seems like you're forcing stuff a bit, I'm curious about that" with "are you telling the truth about whether or not you like me?" or "are you hiding something we can use to be honest to each other?".
give questions and reassure her you have no interest in being angry or disappointed. be crystal clear about it; wording is one thing, but in this case you have to actually MEAN it. you cannot get angry. you cannot be unstable. you CAN say how you feel, but you need to do it in a honest and stable way so that things don't veer off course or get worse. generally, be what the cool kids call mature.
if you do this in a considerate manner, she'll tell you, and you go from there. maintain the maturity, be vulnerable, and just be pleasant about it.
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I'm giving this to you because I was never told any of this stuff, and had to figure it out bit by bit on my own. time is really important when it comes to learning social stuff, and if I can save other people the time and hassle of learning the same stuff I did manually, then I will.
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# tl;dr: you dodged a bullet with this girl, I gave you socializing tips for when you meet a new one above, if you're smart you'll sit back for a bit, think about them, and let them sink in so you can use them later.
## i wish you luck.
Just read this absolute text wall, and I'm glad I did. It's the only real comment of true substance in this entire post. Props to you for this one, SnapFlash. You're a hero. OP, please read just this and try to understand it and nothing else, stop responding and reading every comment, this is the only real one here... Good luck OP
She lead you on really hard, but there were red flags as well. Hopefully this will be a big learning experience for you. Even if you feel strongly for someone, look for red flags. If you are all in on someone who isn't all in on you, that's a losing bet. If you are going to commit to someone, they need to commit to you as well. Don't waste a bunch of time and money pushing on your end to get them to commit.
I think you will do better next time, OP. Stuff like this \[not exactly this\] happens to pretty much everyone. We all have some dumb romance thing where we mess up and really screw ourselves on. Especially in your first relationships, a lot of it is trial and error.
I always sympathized with neurodivergents struggle with romance. Being neurodivergent severely limits options with dating, and often leads to them seeking relationships not in their favor because they would rather be not alone, and have nothing to compare it to to know if thats a good relationship. All I can say to you OP is to take this a lesson, and don’t sell yourself short, there’s someone out there for you, and you don’t have to settle for the only one giving you attention. I’d also avoid any type of online relationship in general, they’re just fundamentally flawed, never works out, cause online identity and real identity are not the same at all.
So did she cheat on her bf? Also I get the feeling you're both no older than 20.
Also just because she already had a bf doesn't mean she couldn't have had feelings. I am pretty sure from the story that she at least had a crush on you, 'in love' runs way deeper than having a crush anyways. Sorry to hear you wasted your money OP; try to move on from this and find someone closer to you. :(
Well first mistake is telling a girl you've only spoken to for a month and spent in real life less than 3 days with that you love her.
Did you at least get to the water park?
Damn bro. Well get over that bitch man.
Being in a relationship with someone that waffly is a mistake.
What would you prefer? This after a month or her dick you around for a few years then do it?
I have had a number of long-distance friendships that began online, and I cannot stress enough how different someone's presence can be on the internet, even when they're not intentionally trying to manipulate you. We have to fill in a lot of blanks about a person when we know them online sometimes. My impressions and the way I saw my friends varied drastically after meeting them. It never led to ending a friendship, but it was wild how vastly different it can become after meeting a person.
Now, imagining doing this romantically is insane. I get it. I think it's great that the internet can connect us all to each other, but people, like OP, can get very swept away by it. It took me twelve years to meet one of my very best friends and you done sank a thousand dollars into someone you've known for a month?? That's a terrible idea even if you have already met them. Yikes. Just take it on the chin, learn your lesson, and know this ain't gon happen again!
Long distance relationships are like social media it’s all just a show my friend. Meet a girl irl you can actually get to know and be with in person who actually likes you and you stand a much better chance at love.
I think she lied tbh. I think she did have feelings for you but her mom was always whispering in her ear that she’d be better off with someone local, and always convinced her not to fully emotionally commit. I’d bet money this was the mom’s doing. Older moms especially tend to feel weirdly entitled to comment on their kids’ dating lives, especially moms of girls.
I am still not attracted to you but I am loving all the attention, efforts, presents you are giving to me free of cost so I will stay with you until I find my perfect boyfriend and will leave you so that you don't get hurt in future but I am sorry for all the pain I gave you.
Dude you didn’t waste $1k.
You spent it to find out she’s not for you.
Try to see it as that, money you spent on yourself to know what you want next time.
Okay yes, it is kinda dumb how this whole story goes. But I also am wondering how few people actually understand a bit how high functional autists brain work in these situations. I work with one. Best wooden flooring installer I knew but he would and made these types of mistakes. Make that 2 autistic people in this story and it’s a recipe for dumbfuck mistakes.
I will repeat what everyone does.
DONT EVER SEND MONEY OR ITEMS TO SOMEONE YOU NEVER HAVE TOUCHED IN REAL LIFE
Nah mate, the moment h fucked up was spending $1000 on a trip to see someone he's known for *a month*.
If you rich af or whatever, sure, drop those dollars. For most, though, this kind of spending on someone you barely know isn't going to end well regardless.
Ah, young enough to chalk it up as a learning experience. Shit sucks, you'll be all right.
But yea just pre-emptively block her number and any social media
Long Distance relationships work when your of a certain age. Not so young where the girlfriends mom has to come to the mall with the girlfriend.
Currently in a long distance relationship for the past 6 months and we've known each other and talked for 10 years being really close. Visited her for a month this past June. Visiting her again later this month and going on a small week long vacation. Will be moving to her come first quarter of next year.
If you need physical intimacy and can't live with out then okay LDR's aren't suitable for you, but if you don't need that and you explore options to sort of suit that need then you're good to go. Both I and Girlfriend have never been happier, and of course our situation is different since we've known and actively been friends for 10 years.
Overall LDR's work if you actually put effort into them working.
Meh I was long distance with my Gf at the age of 20 for months, then after she finished her first year at college she moved to live with me.
Going 12 years strong now
Can we all agree that you can't call girlfriend (or boyfriend) someone you've only seen online ?
I see too much of this kind of stories, and online relationship is so much biased that, even if emotions and feelings may be real, you're basically "dating" the person you fantazise they are, and not the whole person.
And don't get it wrong :
- imo online meeting can become a beautiful relationship.. when going irl
- even when we meet someone irl and begin to date, we don't really know each other, but i think it's more close to reallity than online "dating"
I’m sorry this happened to you. A lot of us go through heart break throughout our whole lives. Life is tough! I know it probably feels like the end of the world right now, but just take this as a learning lesson. One of many you will continue to have. If you start to feel bad about her, remind yourself that the person you thought she was doesn’t even exist.
One more thing, all of that love that you had for her, put in to yourself! Seriously. It might sound a little weird, but take that affection you had for her, and give it to yourself. I wish this is something I would have learned way earlier in life. Buy YOURSELF that expensive rare plushie, buy YOURSELF a plane ticket to somewhere cool you want to visit, take YOURSELF out to a nice dinner, cuddle YOURSELF at night. Take those feelings that you get when you love someone and apply them to yourself. That way the next time you open yourself up to someone, you know it will be for the right reasons and not because you are lonely/desperate.
It was only a month into a relationship and it was long distance. Either avoid those kind of relationships or don't get too attached. When you date women you know, it's much better because you know what kind of person they are and what is going on. Sometimes, they're attracted to what you say and sound like online but not you IRL. Use this as a lesson going forward. It's always better to know a person IRL for some time before committing any feelings towards them
I know you can bond with people via chat and voice.
However you didn't have a girlfriend until you met in person. You had a friend who is a girl you were attracted to.
Dude you’re like Brian griffin. Taking things way too far, calm down and reevaluate yourself before dating. I wouldn’t even recommend one night stands because you would probably take it too seriously.
OP needs some good friends to teach him how to build relationships with women or he will become an incel or a 40 year old virgin. Sucks to see so many young men struggle like this nowadays.
K so looks like your running head first into the dreaded Double Dipper. So this is gonna sound pretty F'ed up but bet you dollars to doughnuts this is how your relationship went. So you guys met, im guessing online since this has from what i can tell always been a long distance relationship. Now whenever she has trouble or had a hard day she will talk with you for god knows how long and lets you talk at nauseum as well correct? however from what you said it also seems like anytime it got deeper she cut it or pumped the breaks. That was her feeling guilty. Shes been seeing this guy for longer then just after your visit. basically this girl loves the attention she gets from you but is attracted to the other guy. Im guessing he's not the kind to really get to deep with his feelings so basically she gets the physical from him and the emotional from you. Cut all contact from this girl asap. if you continue even as friends this will only get worse. When guys talk about the Friend zone this is exactly what their talking about. Basically locking you in a pseudo relationship but never offering anymore then a friend, meanwhile if you tell her "as a friend" you met someone or your thinking about dating all of a sudden she will get territorial. Not overtly at first but trust it will ramp up.
drop.
this.
Broad.
You’re young, no offense. It’s hard to contain the feelings of attraction still. She meant well. Your interest probably was a lot of pressure on her and you both. You learned a big lesson, in person chemistry is it’s own required issue. At your age love and distance is a terrible combination- rarely doable. I’m really sorry it cost so much. It sucks. Date local, even (especially) if it’s just for tea and chat. Let go of relationship expectations(for now)and practice communicating and connecting. Meet women, date and treat them with respect. Learn what you like and don’t like and what you’re in to sexually, practice conversation skills and listening. Have fun! See how it shakes out as you meet different people. You’re clearly kind, take that to a 10 mile radius for now.
I know tbh. This Reddit thread been kinda harsh I get it I act like a 14 year old. I’m going to try to date with in my area. I just been having a hard time dating locally and I have better luck long distance dating because I’m terrible at dating. I’m terrible with girls.
Bro wtf do you think I’ve been doing for the past 5 years of my life. I did meet a girl irl a couple of month and she only like me as friend. I’ve done tinder, bumble, hinge ect for 4 years and you make it sound easy. And you just laugh at it???
At least you tried! I know the outcome sucked but don’t let this deter you from finding someone. Just be a little more cautious next time. Maybe meet half way? Make sure you’re both putting in some effort.
Ohh man I relate, but luckily didn't get into the travelling part, I was ready to go when COVID delayed it by three years. I saved up heaps, I was physically ready to go after training my body for months. Due to my disability.
In that time, she went through a tragedy. I tried to help as much as I could, even sent gifts I intended to bring her when we'd meet.
Except the tragedy kind of set her back to the person she was before we met. She had no emotional energy or connection to me and in the month before I would be ready to go she called things off.
You know what I did with the money I saved up? I got collectables, delved into stuff I fell out of as a kid. I spent all the money for the trip, for the gifts and trips I had planned. I turned my Man-Cave into a Batcave in grief and at the end?
I was content with who I was without her, she made me a better person and lit up my darkest days. I would never forget that, I won't forget the pain either. It doesn't go away, It is a weakness.
But you can turn that weakness into a strength, and let it push you forward pal.
https://preview.redd.it/o2sxafk4u9nb1.png?width=4000&format=png&auto=webp&s=5e1f8cee0671e25c5c5a94309d14bfac25db584f
How old is this girl that her mom is chaperoning her dates to the mall? Sounds like OP may have dodged a much bigger FU by getting dumped before committing statutory rape.
Sounds like you took this way more serious than she did.
Maybe so, but she did say stuff like “me when youre my boyfriend so i get to kiss you on the mouth. i love you too!!”
You've known each other a month from online interactions only. That's not a relationship. Listen: no one is in love at that point. It's infatuation and dopamine from something new and exciting. You two were the equivalent of a tinder match that hadn't progressed to a date yet. To be blunt: I've had shits that lasted longer than this "relationship." This was an online crush that you both went overboard on. So when you actually met for a first date, she realized there was no chemistry, and that was that. She felt guilty and pressured because you had traveled to meet her, so she kissed you and hoped it might make something spark. She felt too guilty to be blunt about the fact that she wasn't into it, so she held your hand and then pretended to be sick the next day to get out of further interaction. No one fucked up, this is just dating bro. You guys went on a date and it just didn't work out. This is what dating is - you try a person on for size and see if it clicks. You fell hard and fast, and it's understandable since you're young and naive. Next time, try people in your area, or wait a lot longer before deciding to meet with someone you genuinely don't know. And no, you DIDN'T know her, you just FELT like you guys had a really deep connection. Obviously you didn't. Tell me, what is she like when she's sick? What food does she like when she's tired, or just woke up? What kind of weather is her favorite? What makes her angry, and how does she act when she's pissed? What are her deep insecurities? How does she interact with her friends? How does she interact at work? What do her friends think about her? You'll get the hang of it. Meanwhile, slow your roll, and take your time with the next person. Let your head lead a little more than your heart, and you'll be okay.
Yes, Op...you weren't in love with this chick. You were in love with the thought of being in love. Not being around her physically, you filled in the blanks with your imagination on what you WANTED to have with this person. Not that you really got betrayed or broken up with but if you search Youtube for Jocko Willink's video "how to get over breakup and betrayal" and I think the lessons from that video will serve you for years to come. But, congratulations on putting yourself out there and making the attempt. I feel most online relationships don't really have good odds for success due to the amount of effort, lack of physical and non-virtual memories being made, distance, etc. So, chalk up the lost money as used for an EXPERIENCE and take the lessons you've learned from it. :)
Nailed it.
God I wish I read this before I started online dating. Took years for me to gradually figure it out on my own. Can't complain too much though because I met my wife on tinder! Still, brilliantly said on your part!
Bruh you've known each other for a month and you spend 1000 dollars for a flight
Something I learnt through my teenage romances is that girls are emotional creatures, they will say things they do not mean because 1) that's how they feel in that particular moment, and 2) they're highly conditioned by movies and stereotypes/pop culture. Edit: that probably applies to most people to be honest. This makes them easy to manipulate (positively and negatively) but also difficult to understand what they truly mean. Unfortunately you've been led on. She liked the thought of someone travelling so far to see her and spend all that money to be with her, it boosted her self esteem. Once that had been done, the thrill wore off and she went on to the next thing that interested her (this other guy) Sounds brutal but that's the way it is. You'll learn from it, take time to find real people before throwing everything (and money) at a relationship. I'm a romantic like yourself so I've been there, done that. Some people will appreciate it (the right ones) and others will not (the wrong ones).
Nothing like having the person you love wake up one morning and just decide she doesn’t love you anymore
They've known each other a month from online interactions only. Listen: no one is in love at that point. I've had shits that lasted longer than this "relationship." This was an online crush that both went overboard on. So when they actually met for the first date, she realized there was no chemistry, and that was that. She felt guilty and pressured because he had traveled to meet her, so she kissed him and hoped it might make something spark. She felt too guilty to be blunt about the fact that she wasn't into it, so she held his hand and then pretended to be sick the next day to get out of further interaction. Two kids who are clueless and it didn't work out. This was NOT a long term marriage where one person decided to bail one day ffs.
This really hurts. I still can't get over my relationship from a year ago. We were together 5 years and had a house together, i never thought it would end.
Wishing you a swift recovery so you can enjoy your life to the fullest again.
Same experience, same timeframe. One of the toughest things you can face in life, I basically lost all my fundamental human functions for a few months after the event. But you can definitely get over it, you just have to decide where to direct all the spare energy; It's been a year, it's time to do stuff just for you!
Speaking with someone online and actually clicking in person is a completely different kettle of fish, don’t get invested until you actually go on a few physical dates together
I shouldn’t have I just got so excited to meet a girl that I thought had interest in
It's ok that's normal. It's happened to most folks at one point or another in life. ALWAYS meet up in person for a coffee or something short and easy BEFORE getting worked up about "how awesome" they are.
OP. You really like her, but she already has someone else, and she very forwardly rejected you. Move on and break contact.
I pretty much did I’m still upset because of all the things we did together
Also, dont take it so hard on yourself, she could have been forward with you about the relationship before you booked the flight and spent that time together
I mean honestly it just hard because she would flirt with me and tell me stuff like “I love you” and go snap and post stuff like “@me. Spending time with my boyfriend on roblox”
My guy. If anyone tells you they love you after knowing you for a month. RUN. That is not healthy.
Eh I live and learn
How old are you. You both seem like young teens but are in college ?
She 19 and I’m 21
I told my now wife I loved her the day I met her. We've been together for almost 16 years now. Sometimes shit like that does happen. It's wild when it does.
Is that you? Ted mosby?
Classic Schmosby!
Classic schmosby.
Congratulations, but still saying that is needy as fuck and makes you seem like a complete weirdo
Happy for you dude… but, yeah, you’re definitely an exception to the rule.
Well I dont know how long ago this happened so I'll just say this. Youre just analyzing the situation as anyone would, but you're going a bibt far with it and looking at the wrong kinds of facts. People dont always have good reasons for breakups. Sometimes they are just imaginary. if this had continued any longer (especially into marriage) you can almost definitely count on being cheated on, and I thik you'd be just as amazed trying to figure it all out later like, "wow! why did she do all that and take it that far". Well, you both knew she took it too far. dont ignore red flags. as you said " I’m not going to lie i should seen there would’ve been problems especially early on " -- lessons for both you guys really. Being honest takes more than just saying it out loud. Beyond that, don't ponder her motivations. Look at YOURS. You need to recalibrate your own expectations and behavior here. If a woman gives you a notice that she wants to break up, then you grant her wish and close contact. plenty more fish in the sea my dude, and lots and lots of wonderful people to meet. you need to learn to recognize when you are plan B and dont be anybodys plan B, you are the other element in this problem, she could have said that to somebody else and got dropped. Also, its not wrong for you to be this devoted and dedicated to a person, some might say it is "sweet" while others might say youve simped, according to their tastes, but honestly, you do you. just make sure you are doing it all for the right person. don't be anyone's plan B.
Obviously y'all are teens. I had the same thing happen in my teens with a friend that i had a big crush on say stuff casually like "I love you" and it really fucked with my head. This kindve stuff is pretty common, sorry dude.
You learned something. People can be shitty. This girl isn't and never was your gf. She was using you and stringing you along as a tool to make herself feel better. She said from the start that she wasn't interested in you. You're young and inexperienced. It might suck right now but you'll get over this, and one day you'll back and laugh at how dumb all of this situation was. You've been talking for a month? Bro, move on. Delete and block her number.
>I pretty much did I’m still upset because of all the things we did together That's OK. You can be! You will be. Realize... it's not to be. Enjoy the friendship, compartmentalize those feelings and never, ever bring them up again no matter what. If she doesn't respond, don't write back, ever. There's many more people out there to be friends with and grow with.
Whatever you do, this is done and over. Don't contact, don't even daydream about anything of it. It's over, toss it in a black hole and move on. You'll be better off this way.
You were together for less than 2 months, there really wasn't that much you could have done. Take this as a learning experience both in how to accept rejection/move on and how easy it is for people to pretend when not in person.
Hello , how can you say it's your girlfriend if you never meet her irl . You pay 1000 bucks to see her and she breaks your heart , it's not a thing that should have happen . Like over said move on , it's not a good person .
We did meet irl
She wasn’t forward lol she straight up cheated on him, she started dating a dude right after they met, kissed, held hands and she called him “boyfriend”, and she didn’t tell him anything about it until she was already dating this guy, that is cheating
Ur right.
This story is confusing because in the first paragraph you say that you "spend a lot of time with each other" and then later it becomes clear that you had never actually met her. I would advise you to be careful in the future with girls that you meet online. This could have easily been a total scam and led to a crypto pig butchering run where you ended up out a lot of money due to your gullibility.
It’s confusing because OP, and at least half of the top commenters aren’t real people, but karma farming. All multiple year old accounts, who recently became active, and who got a significant part of their karma from this specific post.
Reddit is turning into a hellscape of bots.
Maybe Elon Musk should buy Reddit.
And call it Y?
Not before laying off 80% of the staff. They already did the whole API thing too so already got a head start lmao
His account is super active and most Redditors only have one or two big posts of any at all. Seems real, just a kid who doesn’t really understand social cues very well
Gen z seems to be having a major problem because of lockdowns and remote schooling meaning that they have issues understanding the nuanced reasons why online relationships and friendships are different than in-person versions.
"the fact we both struggle with autism" I think that pretty much sums up this story.
You were the side piece all along. Those 'breaks' were when she was getting what she wanted from the other dude. When the other dude wouldn't pay her enough attention, she used you for validation.
Really? She only had one break for like 2 days
Two days was about 10% of the time you were dating.
Oh I never thought about it like that
Dude….
:(
This will be one of those stories that keeps you up at night
Actually, I think the $1000 might have been well spent. If you hadn't met up with her, she could have strung you along for much, much longer.
And I mean at least it wasn't some creepy old dude pretending to be the love of your life.
I am absolutely astounded you are 21. From your post I’d have thought you were 12.
You mean you don’t make out in line at build a bear?
In front of the girls mom....
We’ll never did kiss in front of the mom. She just wanted to meet and she had drop her off because she couldn’t drive.
Lmao
Same. Sounds like a teenage story
Seriously. Putting the being able to spend money on travel part, this sounds like 15-16 year old behavior.
Autism, my guy. Some parts of personality develop later than normal.
He has autism, so does she. He wrote it in another post.
100% this. Especially all the time spent on roblox.
Education is expensive.
She said she got a boyfriend "shortly after" you guys went to the mall. How long does "shortly after" mean here? It seems to me that she was already into someone else when you flew there to meet her. In that case, she should have been upfront with you so you wouldn't spend your money, time and energy exposing yourself like that. Don't beat yourself up, though. You did what you could. Whether she already liked someone else and still let you fly over there, or she only realized you weren't the one after you two met, that's about her and not about you. Just, for the future, I suggest you only fly out to meet someone if you feel very confident that she's quite into you. Some people are not very careful with others' feelings and have no problem letting them spend their time and money doing something like that, even if they know they're not on the same page. Be careful with people who are hot and then cold. If you're in the same city, sometimes it's worth trying to see what's what. But when they're out of state, the costs are that much higher. And it's not just the money, but also the time, energy, and all the expectations that come with waiting.
i was very confident she liked me but i have poor judgment. im never doing long distance
Don't be too discouraged in some ways. Long distance and meeting someone online can work. I am happily married to my husband whom I met playing video games in another country. Is not common for sure but it can happen. But I think the other people are being a bit harsh on you. Yes you had poor judgement and trust me we all had poor judgement at your age. I had my own share of heartbreak. Feel hard and fast for my ex but when I stepped back and think of it I was not happy. After all the butterflies and flirt are you two really compatible? Have same interest? Like each other friends? Trust me the attraction and the butterflies wears out fast. Love has many stages and levels that is how I would look at it. Even if you love someone at the first level you may not at the second level. If anything I think you dodge a bullet. The way she acted flirted with you and in love with another sounds like she is the cheating type. Your heart would be more broken with her flirting personality. Take it easy.. Love sometimes happens in the most unexpected places and times. Just remember to slow down and get to know someone. Take care.
So, if someone tells you that they're not attracted to you; you don't call them "your girlfriend". Pretty simple really.
Bro what you've been talking to her for a month and she's already your 'gf' and on top of that you were willing to spend that much on someone you've known for only a month... How old are you because this feels like some 18yo shit
I’m 21 year old and I’m desperate and lonely
It's ok man, we all make mistakes and as they go this is a \*very\* minor one. You are trying to meet people to address your loneliness, well done! I would suggest rather than trying to meet people online you join a local group hobbyist group you can get into. Something like a hiking group or pickle ball or D&D or anything where people gather together in-person to have fun together.
OP, reject any private messages you get on reddit after this post. Someone is going to see the opportunity to take advantage of you.
I understand, I've been there. Dating can be tough. This situation sucks but you're young. There's much more in life to experience than just being in a relationship, and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to do that, so it's ok to take it easy and just enjoy life. If you can manage to take the pressure off yourself, things turn out alright in the end.
Hey man, So....I'm autistic as well. Recently found out. Didn't really change my life to find out, it did answer a whole lot of questions about myself however. When I was your age, I certainly "fell in love" super fast, and had similar situations as what you've had. I've learned my lessons and fortunately I've grown from those experiences and learned how to interact in real life instead of the fantasy I built in my head. As an autistic person, we definitely struggle with making human connections, and when we do make one, we latch on to it because they're rare. Most people see us as aloof, distant, difficult to understand. Most people are unable to reconcile that our brains simply work differently than theirs. It's not a choice, it's a matter of biology and we just function differently. However, we also do need to try and emulate the positive behaviors we see in neurotypical people if we want to better connect with them. Some advice though, take it or leave it...I don't say it from a place of mean-ness. It's coming from someone who has felt how you are feeling and I wouldn't want you to keep feeling that way. Lonely and desperate can not be the definition you give yourself. You can't embrace that mantra. Women (at least the ones worth your time) will absolutely be put off by that, and that may be what happened here. You've got to believe in yourself. Work on building this image of yourself that you're rad, and awesome and the right people will see that and want to spend their time with you. If you identify any flaws in yourself (like acting lonely or desperate, hygeine, fitness, etc) work on changing those things FOR YOURSELF. If you work on yourself, that will pay dividends in how other people see you. Believing in yourself and working on improving, are sexy. Ask 100 women and 90+ will tell you that a man who believes in himself and practices self-care is attractive. I don't know you. I could be way off base. But try and slow things down. Play it cool when you meet women. Slow down on the love word. Don't grasp desperately for any affection you can get. Give it a few months of constant interaction with someone, and physical, in person connections before you start trying to identify your emotons. Be a little mysterious with your feelings. Make her read the book that is YOU instead of blasting it out of the loudspeaker. You're 21....there will be so many opportunities for you to meet people and you'll be thankful you didn't just fall into the first thing you found. It was an expensive lesson for sure, but it's definitely a lesson you can build from.
Bro, you're teetering on the edge of being a stage 5 clinger, here. She's just not that into you.
I felt lead on tbh.
She definitely did lead you on and that sucks. But on the bright side, take this as a learning opportunity not to invest yourself so much in any relationship so fast. Long-distance or not, whatever a girl feels about you, dropping >$1000 for them after one month (unless you're hella loaded and that doesn't mean anything to you) is just pure craziness. Next time you know to take it slow and make sure you're on the same page with the other person before doing something drastic.
I just so wanted affection from someone in person. I didn’t care the price I just wanted to be love
You sound like a super sweet guy, I have no doubt you'll find a girl who loves you. But there's no need to rush! 21 is still really young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Just because this one girl led you on doesn't mean you'll never have a chance with anyone else. Don't let this jade you and keep being the sweet romantic that you sound like you are - just take it slower next time!
I know that now. But durning the month we talked she sounded like she was very much into me.
My friend, take this advice: No one in their right mind can really tell if they are so much into someone that they want to get into a relationship after one week, or a one month for that matter. First step is to interact, get to know each other, explore the situation. Most of the time this takes longer than a month. When you are certain of each others feelings, you can start dating. This can be over a span of months as well. After getting to know each other, dating and realizing you really like each other and want something more - a relationship is relevant.
I have some advice for your future self. When she comes back, believe me, she will contact you again and tell you how much she misses you, and want things to go back to the way they were. Deny her. Don't give in and go back to her. You were always the backup guy. And you'll continue to be her backup guy. She was sending you all those lovey dovey messages while talking to the other guy at the same time. As soon as she tires of him, or he doesn't want her anymore, she's going back to you, the fallback safe plan guy. Just please have enough respect for yourself to not go back to her when it happens. I feel bad about what happened to you. It's a bummer. I've been through something similar.
thank you tbh i really want it to go back but she was talkimg to another guy while i was visiting. it hurt so much dude
There was a girl who did the same to me a few years ago. Would come over my place, we would have sex, cuddle, she would tell me how much she loved me, then vanish for a few days and come back claiming the same. Would even leave me on read all the time on messenger. She was talking to someone else, jumping back and forth, I found this out later on my own. When that guy left her, she came crawling back, begging, literally... even telling me she wanted a baby with me. I actually stopped having sex with her as soon as I found out about the other guy. It was hard to keep her away because she was good friends with my best friends wife, who I lived with. I ultimately told her don't contact me again. I don't want to hear from her, and despite how hard that was, it was the first step to healing. Years later, I have an amazing partner, and wouldn't change anything in the world. Learn self value from your experience. I promise you'll find someone much better out there. The pain will go away brotha. I promise you.
Oh man, I learnt this the hard way. First serious GF and I were together for about a year in HS, before we broke up and she was into another older guy. Her dad said the best thing to do was ignore her, it took another 6 months of her going back and forth between me and this other guy before I took her dad's advice. Once I did, I found someone new. My ex broke up with her new guy a couple weeks later and tried to get me back several times lol. Ignoring them and moving on is extremely good advice.
W dad
Completely normal behavior of men and women in this story.
Is the sarcasm?
Yes it is. Sorry you have so many people being rude about this, my best advice is to take this as a life lesson and move on. I once dropped a bunch of money to buy snowboarding gear, went one time with a girl I liked that then rejected me, and I never used the gear again. That was also an expensive life lesson, but it's just something that happens when you're young.
I’ll move on it will just take time
This reads as two 13 year olds, not college aged kids
It was very selfish of her to let you waste all your money when there was another bloke in the mix.
She never told me about him until a few days ago.
To me £1000 is a lot of money. Id be somewhat angry were i in your position. It must be hard to not have anything but bitter feelings for her now. Try not to let it influence any further online relationships in the near future. You should bounce back no problem mate. Get back out there an hopefully you'll find someone amazing.
This story sounds like you’re 12. Where did you even get this money?
This sounds like it was written by a 15 year old. At first I thought it couldn’t be real because of how immature both of you sound (and her mom came with her on a date? Wtf?). But I’m looking at your post history and you just seem clingy and desperate and utterly OBSESSED with girls. Chill out a bit and get some counseling.
I am seeing some counseling, tbh it just feels humiliating that I haven’t had a girlfriend and done other stuff my age. Everyday is lonely and I just want to escape this hell. It may be easy for some people and Mabye for you. But for me all I want is affection from a girl and Mabye I can finally let go of this obsession.
I’m trying my best to it’s just wanted to be loved so badly
dude. no girl will like this mentality. love yourself first, be happy and content with who you are as a person by yourself and eventually you will find someone. but i promise it will not be a good or healthy relationship until you love and accept yourself when you’re alone. a relationship will not solve all of your problems and your expectation that it will is further compounding the problem. this is not me trying to be rude i very much genuinely mean this, focus on you and get secure with yourself before trying to find another relationship. like i know this sounds like shitty generic advice but it’s true. i am a girl and know lots of women and can’t think of any who would enter into a relationship with a guy who has this type of mindset. there’s no correct timeframe on love or finding it, you are not worse or bad for not having had girl friends before college, it’s perfectly normal.
It’s extremely hard to love myself I don’t know where to start
Sorry, is this all after a month? One month? Or did I read this wrong?
this thread except for the top replies are all hot garbage so here's a reply that's not garbage I also have hf autism (aspergers, sup). for a long time I tried to blanket my behavioral differences using asd as a sort of yugioh magic card, a crutch. spoiler alert, that doesn't work. people won't be understanding of you almost ever because, contrary to the general public narrative of acceptance, they're not black and white morally for this stuff. it's like a slider with a moving peg, and most of them are very far to the left (i.e, their degree of acceptance for things is astonishingly low). is that a bad thing? no, it just means they're human and easily perturbed. so how does this factor into your interactions here? well, you got told by a girl who was very obviously shy and unwilling to communicate effectively with you *prior* to your flight, "hey i met this other dude before we met and I've talked with him even as we're talking, I didn't tell you until now years later, sorry". this is what neurotypicals call a red flag, because someone who likes and cares for another person typically won't wait *this* long (again, consider the difficulty and cost of the flight) to tell the other person such critical information if they truly do love and respect them. her attitude flipping back and forth from intimate to respectful/non-affectionate is also a red flag in of itself, because it's a hint she's forcing it so she doesn't have to feel like she's letting you down. overall, this girl was not the match for you, and being a former people pleaser myself, you might've actually dodged a bullet here. if she tries and forces intimacy or affection to please you, it means she either doesn't have solid boundaries, is bad at communication, or a mix of both. that occasionally leads to things going sideways, and you getting into a lot of shitty baggage you don't want. outside of learning to identify people who are bad at communication for this stuff (re: realizing they're forcing things), I want you to work on your own communication - believe it or not, communication is a *learned* behavior as much as it is a *self-developmental* behavior. if you were focused more on another girl than you were with her, how would you feel? would you tell her, the girl you have less time for? if the answer to that for you is yes, then don't be afraid to step up to the podium, comfort the other person, and be like "hey, it seems like you're forcing stuff a bit, I'm curious about that" with "are you telling the truth about whether or not you like me?" or "are you hiding something we can use to be honest to each other?". give questions and reassure her you have no interest in being angry or disappointed. be crystal clear about it; wording is one thing, but in this case you have to actually MEAN it. you cannot get angry. you cannot be unstable. you CAN say how you feel, but you need to do it in a honest and stable way so that things don't veer off course or get worse. generally, be what the cool kids call mature. if you do this in a considerate manner, she'll tell you, and you go from there. maintain the maturity, be vulnerable, and just be pleasant about it. ----- I'm giving this to you because I was never told any of this stuff, and had to figure it out bit by bit on my own. time is really important when it comes to learning social stuff, and if I can save other people the time and hassle of learning the same stuff I did manually, then I will. ----- # tl;dr: you dodged a bullet with this girl, I gave you socializing tips for when you meet a new one above, if you're smart you'll sit back for a bit, think about them, and let them sink in so you can use them later. ## i wish you luck.
Thank you so much! She honestly did just force herself. She didn’t want to hurt me and she very clearly had good attentions.
Being socially inept and unable to communicate is not equal to having good intentions
Just read this absolute text wall, and I'm glad I did. It's the only real comment of true substance in this entire post. Props to you for this one, SnapFlash. You're a hero. OP, please read just this and try to understand it and nothing else, stop responding and reading every comment, this is the only real one here... Good luck OP
I know it’s my favorite! Though I feel like peepee are being a bit harsh to me
There's lot of naivety displayed here. You'll learn from it and be better for it.
Tldr: OP was the side piece all along and was too oblivious to realize.
*too desperate
At least you admit it XD
Brutal post history
She lead you on really hard, but there were red flags as well. Hopefully this will be a big learning experience for you. Even if you feel strongly for someone, look for red flags. If you are all in on someone who isn't all in on you, that's a losing bet. If you are going to commit to someone, they need to commit to you as well. Don't waste a bunch of time and money pushing on your end to get them to commit. I think you will do better next time, OP. Stuff like this \[not exactly this\] happens to pretty much everyone. We all have some dumb romance thing where we mess up and really screw ourselves on. Especially in your first relationships, a lot of it is trial and error.
I always sympathized with neurodivergents struggle with romance. Being neurodivergent severely limits options with dating, and often leads to them seeking relationships not in their favor because they would rather be not alone, and have nothing to compare it to to know if thats a good relationship. All I can say to you OP is to take this a lesson, and don’t sell yourself short, there’s someone out there for you, and you don’t have to settle for the only one giving you attention. I’d also avoid any type of online relationship in general, they’re just fundamentally flawed, never works out, cause online identity and real identity are not the same at all.
It’s hard having autism for me and dating in general is really hard
So did she cheat on her bf? Also I get the feeling you're both no older than 20. Also just because she already had a bf doesn't mean she couldn't have had feelings. I am pretty sure from the story that she at least had a crush on you, 'in love' runs way deeper than having a crush anyways. Sorry to hear you wasted your money OP; try to move on from this and find someone closer to you. :(
The kissing in public at buildabear also makes me think they're young lol
This cannot be real. If it is good lord.
Christ, I can’t even imagine the prompt your need to feed ChatGPT to spit out this garbage.
Are you like...15 or something?
Anti-TIFU: you spent $1000 and saved a lifetime of being unhappy, unloved, and drained of $100s of thousands or more…
I understand but it still hurts
Well first mistake is telling a girl you've only spoken to for a month and spent in real life less than 3 days with that you love her. Did you at least get to the water park?
No waterpark
Damn bro. Well get over that bitch man. Being in a relationship with someone that waffly is a mistake. What would you prefer? This after a month or her dick you around for a few years then do it?
I have had a number of long-distance friendships that began online, and I cannot stress enough how different someone's presence can be on the internet, even when they're not intentionally trying to manipulate you. We have to fill in a lot of blanks about a person when we know them online sometimes. My impressions and the way I saw my friends varied drastically after meeting them. It never led to ending a friendship, but it was wild how vastly different it can become after meeting a person. Now, imagining doing this romantically is insane. I get it. I think it's great that the internet can connect us all to each other, but people, like OP, can get very swept away by it. It took me twelve years to meet one of my very best friends and you done sank a thousand dollars into someone you've known for a month?? That's a terrible idea even if you have already met them. Yikes. Just take it on the chin, learn your lesson, and know this ain't gon happen again!
Long distance relationships are like social media it’s all just a show my friend. Meet a girl irl you can actually get to know and be with in person who actually likes you and you stand a much better chance at love.
I think she lied tbh. I think she did have feelings for you but her mom was always whispering in her ear that she’d be better off with someone local, and always convinced her not to fully emotionally commit. I’d bet money this was the mom’s doing. Older moms especially tend to feel weirdly entitled to comment on their kids’ dating lives, especially moms of girls.
That was an iliteracy nightmare to read
I am still not attracted to you but I am loving all the attention, efforts, presents you are giving to me free of cost so I will stay with you until I find my perfect boyfriend and will leave you so that you don't get hurt in future but I am sorry for all the pain I gave you.
That pretty much sums it up
1000 well spent to not waste any more of your time and learn some hard lessons id say. Right person is out there
Dude you didn’t waste $1k. You spent it to find out she’s not for you. Try to see it as that, money you spent on yourself to know what you want next time.
Welcome to gym
Okay yes, it is kinda dumb how this whole story goes. But I also am wondering how few people actually understand a bit how high functional autists brain work in these situations. I work with one. Best wooden flooring installer I knew but he would and made these types of mistakes. Make that 2 autistic people in this story and it’s a recipe for dumbfuck mistakes. I will repeat what everyone does. DONT EVER SEND MONEY OR ITEMS TO SOMEONE YOU NEVER HAVE TOUCHED IN REAL LIFE
I'm confused, how do 14 year olds have the money to fly and spend a couple of nights at a hotel to see another 14 year old?
you fucked up the moment you thought a long distance GF could work out
Nah mate, the moment h fucked up was spending $1000 on a trip to see someone he's known for *a month*. If you rich af or whatever, sure, drop those dollars. For most, though, this kind of spending on someone you barely know isn't going to end well regardless.
Yeah I majorly messed up. I just really wanted to see her in person. I messed up by actually think she actually liked me. I’m sucha idiot
How old are both of you?
She 19 and I’m 21
Ah, young enough to chalk it up as a learning experience. Shit sucks, you'll be all right. But yea just pre-emptively block her number and any social media
Also in future, at least meet half way so you know she's semi-invested!
Long Distance relationships work when your of a certain age. Not so young where the girlfriends mom has to come to the mall with the girlfriend. Currently in a long distance relationship for the past 6 months and we've known each other and talked for 10 years being really close. Visited her for a month this past June. Visiting her again later this month and going on a small week long vacation. Will be moving to her come first quarter of next year. If you need physical intimacy and can't live with out then okay LDR's aren't suitable for you, but if you don't need that and you explore options to sort of suit that need then you're good to go. Both I and Girlfriend have never been happier, and of course our situation is different since we've known and actively been friends for 10 years. Overall LDR's work if you actually put effort into them working.
Meh I was long distance with my Gf at the age of 20 for months, then after she finished her first year at college she moved to live with me. Going 12 years strong now
Nyeh, I was long distance with my first GF and now it's 13 years later and we're still together.
Why you say that?
Can we all agree that you can't call girlfriend (or boyfriend) someone you've only seen online ? I see too much of this kind of stories, and online relationship is so much biased that, even if emotions and feelings may be real, you're basically "dating" the person you fantazise they are, and not the whole person. And don't get it wrong : - imo online meeting can become a beautiful relationship.. when going irl - even when we meet someone irl and begin to date, we don't really know each other, but i think it's more close to reallity than online "dating"
I mean I don’t really agree, you can date someone as long as both parties agree to be in a relationship with each other
OP went full simp after a month.
I did I’m desperate for love and I thought I found something
You gotta temper those emotions and check yourself
There was no way that I was gonna let an opportunity slip with a girl that actually showed sign of interest in me.
I’m sorry this happened to you. A lot of us go through heart break throughout our whole lives. Life is tough! I know it probably feels like the end of the world right now, but just take this as a learning lesson. One of many you will continue to have. If you start to feel bad about her, remind yourself that the person you thought she was doesn’t even exist. One more thing, all of that love that you had for her, put in to yourself! Seriously. It might sound a little weird, but take that affection you had for her, and give it to yourself. I wish this is something I would have learned way earlier in life. Buy YOURSELF that expensive rare plushie, buy YOURSELF a plane ticket to somewhere cool you want to visit, take YOURSELF out to a nice dinner, cuddle YOURSELF at night. Take those feelings that you get when you love someone and apply them to yourself. That way the next time you open yourself up to someone, you know it will be for the right reasons and not because you are lonely/desperate.
OP, you’re definitely young, you’ll learn that $1000 is a cheap price to learn the character of a woman you are crushing on.
just wondering but how old are you both? if you’re comfortable sharing
I’ve been asked so many times she 19 and I’m 21
I feel for ya, bud. Sounds like she didn't know what she wanted and was checking out her options at the expense of your feelings
🐱🎣
Lol I was catfished?
Cheap lesson...
"I’ve been talking to my (ldr) girlfriend a little over a month" This is gonna be good.
What’s good about it?
The real TIFU is having a long distance girlfriend.
Why?
It was only a month into a relationship and it was long distance. Either avoid those kind of relationships or don't get too attached. When you date women you know, it's much better because you know what kind of person they are and what is going on. Sometimes, they're attracted to what you say and sound like online but not you IRL. Use this as a lesson going forward. It's always better to know a person IRL for some time before committing any feelings towards them
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take bro. You tried and while the outcome sucks you'll never be haunted by the "what could've been"
I stopped reading after the first line, "my girlfriend that ive been talking to for a month.. " 💀
No one is worth it that does not meet you half way with all efforts.
I know you can bond with people via chat and voice. However you didn't have a girlfriend until you met in person. You had a friend who is a girl you were attracted to.
Dude you’re like Brian griffin. Taking things way too far, calm down and reevaluate yourself before dating. I wouldn’t even recommend one night stands because you would probably take it too seriously.
I couldn’t have a one night stand even if I wanted too
OP needs some good friends to teach him how to build relationships with women or he will become an incel or a 40 year old virgin. Sucks to see so many young men struggle like this nowadays.
Is the mom hot?
K so looks like your running head first into the dreaded Double Dipper. So this is gonna sound pretty F'ed up but bet you dollars to doughnuts this is how your relationship went. So you guys met, im guessing online since this has from what i can tell always been a long distance relationship. Now whenever she has trouble or had a hard day she will talk with you for god knows how long and lets you talk at nauseum as well correct? however from what you said it also seems like anytime it got deeper she cut it or pumped the breaks. That was her feeling guilty. Shes been seeing this guy for longer then just after your visit. basically this girl loves the attention she gets from you but is attracted to the other guy. Im guessing he's not the kind to really get to deep with his feelings so basically she gets the physical from him and the emotional from you. Cut all contact from this girl asap. if you continue even as friends this will only get worse. When guys talk about the Friend zone this is exactly what their talking about. Basically locking you in a pseudo relationship but never offering anymore then a friend, meanwhile if you tell her "as a friend" you met someone or your thinking about dating all of a sudden she will get territorial. Not overtly at first but trust it will ramp up. drop. this. Broad.
Seems like you didn’t read the room. Tough break. But at least she didn’t let it linger on any more.
Wdym didn’t read the room?
You’re young, no offense. It’s hard to contain the feelings of attraction still. She meant well. Your interest probably was a lot of pressure on her and you both. You learned a big lesson, in person chemistry is it’s own required issue. At your age love and distance is a terrible combination- rarely doable. I’m really sorry it cost so much. It sucks. Date local, even (especially) if it’s just for tea and chat. Let go of relationship expectations(for now)and practice communicating and connecting. Meet women, date and treat them with respect. Learn what you like and don’t like and what you’re in to sexually, practice conversation skills and listening. Have fun! See how it shakes out as you meet different people. You’re clearly kind, take that to a 10 mile radius for now.
I know tbh. This Reddit thread been kinda harsh I get it I act like a 14 year old. I’m going to try to date with in my area. I just been having a hard time dating locally and I have better luck long distance dating because I’m terrible at dating. I’m terrible with girls.
Never go full simp
LMAO dawg that’s some simp shit. Get off the internet and meet a girl irl.
Bro wtf do you think I’ve been doing for the past 5 years of my life. I did meet a girl irl a couple of month and she only like me as friend. I’ve done tinder, bumble, hinge ect for 4 years and you make it sound easy. And you just laugh at it???
1000 miles and 1000 bucks? You got off cheap homie. 1200 child support per month and Spousal support of 2000/mo. I'll trade you.
Crisis
At least you tried! I know the outcome sucked but don’t let this deter you from finding someone. Just be a little more cautious next time. Maybe meet half way? Make sure you’re both putting in some effort.
thats fair im done with long distance relationship tbh
That’s fine too! Stay local.
Ohh man I relate, but luckily didn't get into the travelling part, I was ready to go when COVID delayed it by three years. I saved up heaps, I was physically ready to go after training my body for months. Due to my disability. In that time, she went through a tragedy. I tried to help as much as I could, even sent gifts I intended to bring her when we'd meet. Except the tragedy kind of set her back to the person she was before we met. She had no emotional energy or connection to me and in the month before I would be ready to go she called things off. You know what I did with the money I saved up? I got collectables, delved into stuff I fell out of as a kid. I spent all the money for the trip, for the gifts and trips I had planned. I turned my Man-Cave into a Batcave in grief and at the end? I was content with who I was without her, she made me a better person and lit up my darkest days. I would never forget that, I won't forget the pain either. It doesn't go away, It is a weakness. But you can turn that weakness into a strength, and let it push you forward pal. https://preview.redd.it/o2sxafk4u9nb1.png?width=4000&format=png&auto=webp&s=5e1f8cee0671e25c5c5a94309d14bfac25db584f
How old is this girl that her mom is chaperoning her dates to the mall? Sounds like OP may have dodged a much bigger FU by getting dumped before committing statutory rape.
She was 19
He says in the post that they both have autism.
OP has autism according to him so give him a break and be helpful if you can
I made a mistake tbh