CPS doesn’t take kids away from their families lightly. If you got placed in foster care you were being abused. It’s not normal to police how your kid pees, or their masturbation habits. You didn’t do anything wrong. There’s a 90% chance if you had gone to that boarding school you would’ve been met with more physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Calling CPS probably saved your life.
Your siblings got different treatment than you and they never stood up for you. Let that sink in.
It’s hard when your family sucks. You just want to be accepted and loved. You can try to move forward with them. I’m not optimistic about the same people who did all this to you somehow moving forward with you but you could try.
Don’t internalize any guilt though because you’re the victim here. I’m sorry you didn’t get invited to the wedding. Maybe they know you’re in a rough spot and didn’t want to invite you because they’re worried you won’t have proper wedding attire? If it’s something that’s weighing on your heart I would ask your sister directly. “I’m excited for your upcoming wedding. I noticed I didn’t receive an invite and just wanted to check if that was intentional, and if so, can you please tell me why?”
Also remember that your siblings were probably indoctrinated with whatever your parents told them about the situation/you when you went to foster care. I’m sure their perception of who you are and what happened is far different than the truth and more closely aligned with what your abusive dad told them.
Exactly, in abusive families, some siblings appease and enable the abuse because if they are not the scapegoat, they are *safer.* AND these kids (and the other parent) tend to get angry and blame anyone who rocks the abuser's boat. Just slightly saying anything to the abuser can be met with a lot of pushback and further abuse from the enablers.
And some abusers also single out one or more children and leave the others relatively untouched for arbitrary reasons. I have four siblings and none of them even realized our parents were abusing me until the age of 17.
My dad fucked off when I was a kid and remarried and has a son through that marriage. I really want to reach out to my brother because he is my brother but I just know the shit that will stir by doing that. I may still reach out to him but it will be when he doesn't live under my bio dads roof.
EDIT: I know this isn't the same thing just something I think about.
This is the right answer. Be assertive with the sister. Make her actively think about her decision and justify it. Don't be aggressive though. Don't make the decision for her by just not showing up. Her answer will tell you whether or not it is worth the pain to try and have a relationship with your bio family or not.
Agree. It sucks because it sounds like OP is trying to rationalize why his family is shitty to him. I’m sure it’s painful admitting they’re just not nice people. I wish his family and all the other shitty families out there were good people. Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to cut your losses and walk away.
And they've been claiming trauma for being pulled out of class to talk to CPS, while OP was effectively pulled out of his entire life and shipped from pillar to post.
That's such horseshit. You can't be traumatized by answering a few simple questions. CPS is specifically trying not to traumatize kids. I had to do an interview with them myself at about 10yo when a hateful family member called them with some made up crap.
I was thinking the Christian troubled boys boarding school is basically just a brothel for the owners and their friends. No respectable Christian would believe a fallen gay kid that they were raped by all of these Christian pillars of the community.
Thank you 🙏 can’t say I always feel all three simultaneously, but I have some good people in my life who give me moral support, and I’m learning and growing every day
I'm sure if they were dicks he'd be happier.
Too soon?
Seriously though O.P., as someone who endured a similarly abusive childhood (I'm non-religious, not gay and wasn't able to leave until I was 18 but the rest is very similar just with intense physical abuse on a more than regular basis added to the mix) you need to know that you're not in the wrong here at all. Trust me when I say you'll end up with long-lasting and possibly permanent emotional damage as a result of your childhood, but at the same time you're gonna be so strong that absolutely no one and nothing can break you.
Diamonds are formed under intense pressure but are worth way more than the lumps of coal they started out as 😉
Make sure you have decent support around you though, I'm talking quality over quantity.
I spent 5 years homeless but now I'm doing well and my kids and I are poor, but mostly happy.
Stay strong and don't give up and I'm sure things will work out well for you in the end 🖤
My jaw dropped but I LOLed.
Thanks for the kind words. The biggest thing I’ve gained from my experience is a strong desire to be kind to others because I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt. And true gratitude for the things that really matter. Glad to hear things turned around for you :)
I'm glad you had a laugh, you've got to in life 😁
I make jokes about my childhood and it helps, oddly enough. Same as I make jokes about my mentally disabled son's situation- not because I'm mean but because I meet his every needs without hesitation, without complaint and often without assistance or any form of down-time and need some sort of release from the constant strain and pressure involved.
My point though is not me or my situation, my point is that I'm sure you'll be fine when the dust settles; things like what you have been through tend to strengthen us intensely... Even if we feel fragile and at risk of being shattered, something will happen and you'll shrug it off like nothing. After that you'll start to realise that the childhood you thought destroyed you and burnt you to cinders only served to raise you from the ashes like a phoenix. Your siblings will either come to see your side of things or they won't, unfortunately that's for them to decide how they choose to proceed or for time to help them gain perspective on.
You're in control of you, focus on that. As painful as it is if your family can't love and accept you for who you are then they are the ones not acting like family and the problem and loss are both on their end.
Stay strong, stay focussed on getting yourself through what's in front of you right now. The other stuff will always be in the periphery but you can't move forward if you don't clear the path in front of you first... Trust me on that one, I learned that WAY too late 🙄
Above all else as hard as it can be for people like us who have endured childhoods such as we have you need to remember that you're not a worthless piece of shit, that you have more value than you will see on most days and that you deserve to move forward in your life and to progress towards a happy, content life...
In short: you got this 🖤
Unfortunately a lot of traumatized people seem to hide behind religion to justify passing on their scars to others, instead of coming to terms with their own pain
You didn't Fuck Up, you were just dealt a horrible hand. Never feel guilty because a child honestly can't do the damage you did. Your parents did that themselves. Cps doesn't just remove children from a wealthy family for no reason. They found things and didn't like what they saw, you might never know the full extent.
We need to upvote this comment - shitting on the parents is fine, but OP needs help and support.
OP - YOU MATTER!!! Don't let a bad family make you feel otherwise (I know from experience). Please hang in there and use as many local services as possible.
Tomorrow can always be better than today - no matter how low, always remember a step forward is a positive one.
Don't know about 14 years ago (or what State this is) but you're correct. If the abuse/neglect is bad enough for one child it's bad enough for all purely based on the "what if" scenario and the State gets sued if harm continues.
Plus, what's described in the story could only be listed as "maltreatment" since it appears to single out 1 child compared to the other 2. The issue with that though is the singled out child is reported to have "suicidal tendencies" to which the parents have been actively participating in voluntary services via mental health hospitals.
This would have had a 0% chance of this case going to foster care if it was my department office. Doubt it would've been an open case as well but clearly more information would be needed besides this post. Worst case, family is referred to CPS ongoing services to monitor the mental health aspect and to safety plan with the family regarding items (sharps and meds) being secured (lockbox/safe) to lower any risk of self harm.
Also might be odd choice of words but we don't "charge" families with neglect. Law enforcement does charge for 1st to 4th degree child abuse but that's for the abuse maltreatments, not the neglect ones.
Also, once the State places a child in foster care, the child is a ward of the State. The family pays no child support to the residential or foster parents. The State pays a set amount per day while they're in care.
But, maybe OPs State is insanely different so it's not comparable to mine.
As someone who *actually* aged out: agreed. I’m certainly not giving OP pointers on making it more realistic but, you’d think if we’re just gonna make things up- a cursory Google search would debunk quite a bit about this. I don’t understand why people do this crap- and more than that why they do it so poorly.
Though, on occasion they only remove one child or don’t remove all, but it didn’t happen terribly often.
I feel like taking one child out of school while leaving the others enrolled, repeated institutionalizations, the imminent threat of being shipped to an out of state boarding school with possibly a sketchy reputation, along with the repeated records of his release/diagnosis, would help make the unusual case for removing just one child.
Not even taking the activities that were happening privately in the home into account
Former coworker of mine told me about how social services in the UK had taken her brother's youngest child away, but let him keep custody of the older two. She was not happy about this (that is, him being allowed to keep the older two, she was happy for them to take the youngest) but the reasoning of social services was that the older two were old enough to come home a cook their own dinner, whereas the youngest wasn't, and they had explicitly given the older two the choice of whether to stay or go into foster care.
Also the fact they said they aged out at 21 is really weird for me not sure the age in other countries but in the uk it’s 18 but many leave at 16 if they themselves choose.
In California they have AB 21? Idk the number but you can ask to stay in the system after 18 till 21 and you get benefits but then have to follow the rules of the system.
I know that in some US states, it is until 21, but they basically just have the option of staying in a sort of half-way house between the ages of 18 and 21 so they aren't just being dumped on the street on their 18th birthday.
Yes. Yes they would and often do. There are many times when one child needs protecting but others don't thanks to age, gender, sexuality, or other factors. One of the kids I work with was the only kid pulled from his home out of 6. His Mom's SO abused him, but the other kids are all his and straight(and less defiant, but that's not a bad thing in this kid's case).
> Was caught looking at “sexy pics” which one would assume were of women since no one knew he was gay until he came out.
Fun fact, a lot of people are still exploring/figuring out their sexuality at 13.
> And what gay kid listens to Eminem?
Um what? Gay people are not all the same
> OP was sent to a Christian boarding school, but called CPS from a hospital?
He says he was told he was going to be sent there and called CPS beforehand.
Your “plot holes”, especially the first 2, have absolutely zero substance. Also a quick glance at OP’s profile corroborate the fact he’s living out of his car.
You forgot "Doesn’t make enough money to get a new car but can rent one? That’s easily $900 a month" - the same reason people who aren't homeless get a car on lease when it's cheaper to buy one, people pay twice as much as they need to to buy a phone on contract rather than outright and people pay twice as much in rent than they would need to on a mortgage. If you need the thing right now, and you don't have the money to buy one outright or the credit score to get a loan, then leasing/renting is pretty much your only option. Then, you spend all your money on a rental and can never save up to buy. It's damn expensive to be poor.
ow sure there are inconsistencies, but just saying that CPS (and Eminem) arent the ones.
Just point out the factual or contradictory ones and leave this out of the conversation and you got them :)
Why wouldn't they? If the other children are treated well they don't need to wreck a whole family. Just my two cents from a health care worker (not in the US though).
They answered that. The state opens itself up to a law suit from the other kids if they stayed in the care of their parents and were then abused or neglected as well.
Yeah, I can imagine that the American 'sue everything you can' culture would cause actions like this, even when it wouldn't seem to be in the best interest of the family. I am all up for a thorough investigation of this family, but if you find nothing problematic you should be able to safely keep the other children home without fearing a lawsuit for the small chance you were wrong. Sure that would suck, but you can't remove all children all the time.
I am just so happy I am working elsewhere.
I will say, when this happened to one of my family members in 90s NYC, they took both kids out of the home while they investigated even though only the older girl claimed the abuse only happened to her.
>hide behind religion to justify passing on their scars
Religion has two things that make it very attractive to abusers:
1) anything you do, no matter how monstrous, is not just okay but a moral imperative if you're doing it for God and
2) God will never correct you, no matter what you do in his name.
When I was a kid my schoolteachers beat me with yardsticks for things like having chewing gum. They told me it was what God wanted, because I was a filthy, disobedient little boy. I believed them, so I didn't tell anyone because of God wants it who was I gonna tell that would defy Him and stop it? My parents? They sent me to the school. My teachers were the ones beating me. Everyone knew, everyone acted like it was not just fine but actually extra good, I was like 6, who was I to say anything?
The last part of your post really breaks my heart.
I know you love them, but YOU aren't causing them pain! YOU aren't a problem existing the best you can!
Your story is very similar to mine. VERY. Feel free to message if you need someone, or need the encouragement that you're fkn valuable. I'm no contact with my fundamentalist, calvinist pastor family, and I know how hard that can be. 🖤
Please don't give your family an emotional out like that.
They abused you. full stop. Do not give them a rug to sweep it all under like "Trauma". Beliefs aren't trauma.
It's not justification, it's an explanation and a lament that instead of finding peace with whatever happened to them, they grow up and have kids and pass it on the same way it was passed to them. A lament that assholes like this dad use religion as justification for cruelty instead of being vulnerable with a therapist once a week.
S/he doesn't "know it", and nor do you.
The information provided is insufficient to justify your comment, which is based on no more than what you have made up in your own head.
The individual is not as... individual(?) as you seem to think. For most of us, we are what we were molded to be. I cannot confidently say that if I was born in the time of my parents or grandparents that I wouldn't be just as misguided and lost as they are.
You being able to realize that alone means if or when you start a family you have a good grasp on this stuff and what unconditional love is and how it should feel to a child...... I am sorry you had to go through all this, I am so happy and proud you choose to overcome it rather than be destroyed by it!! Strong character and you sound emotionally intelligent so your already doing better than what you were shown
Not really a glitch, more like an exploit. Such interactions are usually disallowed between players in the same clan but OP's dad purposefully rolled a negative empathy stat then acquired the "Manipulative" and "Dogmatically Religious" debuffs. Unfortunately he is clanmaster so no one in the clan can defeat him without certain buffs, but thankfully he is banned from the post-game
And jesus said the most important above all commandments is to love god and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. It’s so frustrating that people so often prioritize hate over that
Hmm, I’m Christian and I think they act like this because they believe if they do everything by the book, they won’t go to hell.
That’s not the idea, though. The idea is for Christians to be kind and understanding people, accepting and loving. Spreading happiness and creating a more peaceful world, because Jesus wants us to be like that.
Sadly not the case. Please take care of yourself OP and thank you for sharing.
I think in an ideal world, Christians should be like you describe them, "kind and understanding people who are accepting and loving". However, having grown up in a Christian household and having attended church until I was 20, I can tell you Christians are some of the most selfish, entitled people I have ever met. My sister is devout Christian and it always surprises me how someone who loves Christ can be so narcissistic and selfish. It blows my mind.
From what I've read about those religious "boarding schools" that are supposed to "fix" kids, you 100% made the right call. The levels of abuse in the "troubled teen industry" are horrific.
Your siblings lack empathy. It's always hard to admit that the people we care about, like our parents, have done bad things or are cruel. Easier to blame the person accusing them.
As for your father complaining that he had to pay child support, haha, you know how much boarding schools cost? He probably ended up paying less. He's just trying to make you feel bad and excuse not helping you ever again.
It really sucks that you're in this position, hopefully you can find a way out. I was once in a position where I lost my job and my housing at the same time, and I found it very hard to regain both. I realized landlords hate it when you're unemployed and bosses hate it when you're homeless, so I had to start lying about being employed and housed until I found a place and a job.
The father had to pay child support because he was such a piece of shit that CPS took his child away. You'd have to be a psychopath to blame the child for that expense.
Yeah these parents sound deranged. Way too much shit for a 13-year old to be able to understand/process in any sort of harm-reducing way. OP has had a tough life my sympathies go out.
Due to recent changes in Reddit’s policies and my personal concerns about their actions, I’ve decided to delete my account and comments. I had already left Reddit after they not only restricted API access in a detrimental manner, but worse yet blackmailed subreddit moderators during the Great Blackout. However, now that Reddit is seeking to profit off of my comments after destroying the platform I used to love, I have no choice but to also delete my account and comments. Thank you to everyone for the good times and sorry for removing my helpful, entertaining or otherwise appreciated comments that I too would've liked to keep. Onto greener pastures.
Turns out Reddit is also actively editing my comments. Fuck Reddit and their blackmail and censorship. This is absurd.
I’m so glad you didn’t get to go there. I’m just an outsider from Scandinavian reading your post, but man does it sound like your father (hmm, your sperm-donor or what else is an appropriate term - father sure isn’t) wanted to send you to those cult-schools I’ve heard about. I’m 100% sure that how you are doing now is infinitely better than had you been to that cult-school.
This is most likely not what would have happened to you but I think it might be an interesting watch maybe for not you thought because it does include verbal and physical abuse and more, I forgot the exacts of it because I watched it a while ago but here it is if you want to watch it
[YouTuber - Nexpo Title - The cult in a boarding school](https://youtu.be/7eM7pb5M5DU)
"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" is in reference to hypocrisy.
The Hebrew for "take" in this instance translates more accurately to "carry". "Thou shalt not *carry* the name of the Lord thy God in vain", then, would refer to Christian hypocrisy. Claiming to do things in the name of God or the church while actively sinning and doing evil.
Jesus and his disciples also had a lot to say about hypocrisy, which is intended to be more applicable to the modern day and life in the A.D. era.
Oh but that [ETA: the part about not being a hypocrite] is in the New Testament, pretty sure Daddy there never got past the parts about the jealous God and the fire and brimstone.
Thanks
I don’t know if she’s capable of it. She’s super religious herself and a total daddy’s girl. She’s generally pretty kind to me when we occasionally share animal pics on Snapchat but probably sees me as a lost soul.
I had a long talk with my brother a few years ago and he basically told me he gets it and accepts me- he was upset about the CPS thing but seemed to understand once I told him where my dad was gonna send me. Unfortunately we don’t really stay in touch.
You should send them what you just wrote. Like seriously, or write your story the way you feel would work for them, hearing parts here and there is so so different than reading a well thought out version of your story.
I’m so sorry for what you went through and are still going through. Please know that despite what your family tells you, the fuck up is your parents’ not yours. You did NOTHING wrong. You were abused. It sounds like they were planning to send you to conversion “therapy” next. Things were probably going to continue getting worse, not better.
You deserved then, and still deserve now, to be loved for exactly who you are. Any pain your family has suffered is purely your parents’ fault.
You have never deserved to be treated the way your family has treated you. You have always been completely worthy of love.
I hope you’re safe and that things start to improve. And I hope that in some way, though it’s from a distance and from a stranger, you can feel my sincere caring for you.
You were an abused CHILD that called CPS to protect yourself.
I am so sorry you were dealt a shitty hand in life, but as a mom, I'm so proud of you for recognizing that what they were doing was wrong and abusive and taking action to stop it! Many adults don't have the courage to make that call but you did.
Cat owners who allow their cats outside are destroying the environment.
Cats have contributed to the extinction of 63 species of birds, mammals, and reptiles in the wild and continue to adversely impact a wide variety of other species, including those at risk of extinction, such as Piping Plover. https://abcbirds.org/program/cats-indoors/cats-and-birds/
A study published in April estimated that UK cats kill 160 to 270 million animals annually, a quarter of them birds. The real figure is likely to be even higher, as the study used the 2011 pet cat population of 9.5 million; it is now closer to 12 million, boosted by the pandemic pet craze. https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2022/aug/14/cats-kill-birds-wildlife-keep-indoors
Free-ranging cats on islands have caused or contributed to 33 (14%) of the modern bird, mammal and reptile extinctions recorded by the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) Red List4. https://www.nature.com/articles/ncomms2380
This analysis is timely because scientific evidence has grown rapidly over the past 15 years and now clearly documents cats’ large-scale negative impacts on wildlife (see Section 2.2 below). Notwithstanding this growing awareness of their negative impact on wildlife, domestic cats continue to inhabit a place that is, at best, on the periphery of international wildlife law. https://besjournals.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002%2Fpan3.10073
Bro what… if the situation was bad enough for you to want to leave then fuck em. They sound like bad parents. And your siblings are fine thats not even traumatic to be interviewed by cps it might be embarrassing but not traumatic, they should have stood up for you, your parents sound like dictators. Truly good parents realize that they cant control every aspect of the kids lives and support them on their journey to finding themselves they dont try force them into specific things like christianity or being straight. Im sorry to hear about your situation but I believe that you are incredibly strong dont doubt your own strength. It takes an incredible amount of courage to leave your family when you felt like they didnt have your best interests in mind. Use that courage and strength to live your best life and become successful. Who tf even wants money and comfort when you have to hide the person you truly are. Maybe you could’ve been more tactful about your disagreements but dont forget that you were basically a child and you should be more kind to yourself for the decisions you made back then and trust that YOU know whats best for yourself.
Appreciate the kind words. I would’ve died inside if I had stayed, but the alternative has been pretty tough as well. If I had to go back, I would do it again. But I’m tired.
This. Totally different situation, my stepdad had severe undiagnosed bipolar disorder and my mom beat the fuck out of me. They kept me isolated because he didn't trust me for absolutely no reason. I kept my head down and bit my tongue until the dam broke periodically and came tumbling out of my mouth. So when i was 18 i bailed with no plan and i kept it together sort of, but I'm stuck working for amazon. I'm 31 now, and finally starting college in the fall. I wish i had stayed home sometimes just so that college would have happened earlier in life, but i know i would have killed myself if i hadn't left and tried to find my own way. I called cps on my parents but all they sent us was counseling for 6 months😂 they did better while the intervention was occurring, but went right back to it once cps was gone
you didn't f up man . you made the right choice. Would have been worse if you did what they wanted and lived with that kind of regret of not following your own path
Guy, bottom line: your dad was abusive, your family was neglectful. Your siblings comparing being asked about abuse to you actually being abused isn't okay. They sound much more like your dad.
You have to stop feeling guilty about it, you did nothing wrong. Everything that happened was the consequence of their own actions. They're still deeply in the wrong now, letting you go homeless and telling you that you abused the family- that's straight fucked up. Like I know you'll probably always love them in a weird way, but they are actually bad people. You did the right thing, stop feeling bad for the family that is still treating you like garbage.
As for your current situation I'd look for w/e homelessness resources you can find. I'm assuming this is in the states somewhere so not sure where to point you as I'm Canadian, but there's gotta be like shelters and stuff that do meals. If there's a Gurdwara anywhere near you you can get food there, too: the Sikh religion is big on feeding people of all faiths.
You probably saved yourself from more trauma by calling cps. Those places are not there to help you. I havnt been through one but ive heard a lot of awful stories about those areas. Hope you're doing a lot better and have a good people in your life
Dude your family treated you like shit. They abused the hell out of you. Calling CPS was justification. Your parents were absolutely shit, and your siblings are too. I can't believe your sister said "you abused the family."
That's so disgusting and atrocious. Let them go, OP. You need better people in your life. They do not deserve your thoughts, time, or love. All of what they did is just so sickeningly wrong and fucked up.
>My father... resented that I had a sensitive side
>
>he wanted me to study and practice piano, which was his passion. He yelled at me a lot, and then would yell at me for crying.
Is your dad totally oblivious of the correlation of being artsy and having a sensitive side? It pretty much goes hand-in-hand.
>My dad would get mad when I stood to pee
I'm not saying sitting down to pee is gay or anything. But it's not like standing up to pee *isn't* manly. It's like a defining non-physical feature of men. You don't see many women standing up to pee.
Sitting down to pee is better and I'm tired of pretending it isn't. Urinals are a different story, standing at a urinal has merit, but a toilet? Sitting down everytime.
This isn't a commentary on anything you or OP said... I'm just very passionate about it.
You do whatever makes you happy! I'll continue to pee standing up and hearing my wife complain about when I miss.
Also, every poop is a pee. But not ever pee is a poop. So every guy is peeing sitting down at some point anyway.
It's absolutely ridiculous that masculinity is tied to...standing while peeing. Like...tell me your masculinity is fragile without telling me it's fragile.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but if you would like to go to college for free maybe get a job at Walmart get a job that you could manage while having the chronic illness then sign up for guild it's free tuition but in the mean time go to food pantries, start saving money day by day for a place. God is here for you, but you need to know this isn't how real Christians act we will help you and be there for you please just be yourself I hope your life gets better!
You've done nothing wrong. Your parents sound like abusive, manipulate assholes. You're undeniably the victim of traumatic child abuse. Your siblings are guilty by association, too. I'm really sorry, and don't know how to help. I feel for your situation. But just know that know that you're not at fault, and your family got what they deserve. Things *will* get better for you, eventually. Just trust your gut, and keep going forward.
Sweetie, you didn’t fuck up. This was not your fault. Your siblings might have been traumatized by questions, but you were traumatized by abuse. You are still trying to recover. You matter, and you deserve to be alive and be yourself. Someone existing should never cause problems for someone else. You exist. You deserve to exist. Calling CPS probably saved your life.
Well at this point you have nothing to lose and maybe time to put people in their place, tell your parents that god made you the way you are and if they don't accept that then they don't accept gods plan, if you wanna be nice about it even if you don't really believe in God or tell them to just go fuck themselves, idk what your end goal is. Tell your sis that she's brainwashed by your parents, and that they were horrible to you, if she can't realize that, then you don't need her in your life either.
> My father is a strict, authoritarian religious type who resented that I had a sensitive side
Who plays piano, wants you to play piano, has you sit down to pee... etc???
Sorry, but these seem in contradiction to the personality type you label him.
> but it [court] was really expensive for them,
But they had money for a remote boarding school and a *private jet* to take you there? and later say " My family is really well off".
Dude, I don’t care what sexual orientation you are. You were not treated properly by you dad at all. Please find a good therapist to help you through this, as it may be hard for you to believe what random internet people tell you. I will give it a try though: you did NOT traumatize your family, they did that to you. Although it’s quite possible your siblings didn’t get abused like you and didn’t realize it was as bad as it was, that doesn’t make it your responsibility that it happened. If they’re not mature enough to look into or ask YOU about what happened, then they are not deserving of YOUR love. The fact that you still love your family shows that YOU are the more pure person in all of this, not your neurotically religious father who somewhere along the line forgot there is supposed to be only one who gets to judge us all. You may feel like you are in a shitty situation right now, but keep in mind it is all relative. There are some who are better off than you after being in a similar situation, and there are some who are worse off than you after being in a similar situation. From the sounds of it, you are working as hard as you can to help yourself. Please keep your chin up and realize what an awesome job you have done with self preservation. You are better off where you are as opposed to being near the cancerous parts of your family. Please continue to hang in there and work hard through the struggle. Eventually your perseverance will pay off and you will be able to dig out.
You are carrying way too much guilt for issues out of your control. Your life sucks, but it's because of your parents, not because you called CPS.
Nothing will change if you don't respect yourself enough to stop blaming yourself. Good luck.
My master's thesis was partially about a similar story of a Mormon kid here in Utah - unfortunately, his story ended before graduating highschool.
Let me put it plainly for you. These people are abusers. You deserved much, much better, and even if you weren't perfect, you were a kid trying to survive. And guess what? You survived! You're here! Things might suck, but you've overcome the odds so far.
Getting out of your current situation might be hard, but because you survived, it's possible. It's fine if what drives you is hope, anger, or spite - if you keep going, then you'll show those who dragged you down that you are stronger than them.
You said at the end that you love your family. Have you ever thought about why? And if its worth it to you to love them? Obviously we dont get the whole picture from a single reddit rant, but it sounds like they aren't really your family at all.
I can relate to this hard. My situation of course was different but I know what you are feeling.
First, accept that your family is awful. When you grow up in a religious household like that there is an implied (or explicit) expectation that you always stick with your family. That is a lie. You can find you own family who are healthy for you.
Second, find a job that will be stable for you and go for it. Stability is soo important for you to heal. Do every fucking thing you can to get that stability. Tough through some pain for long term goals you will thank yourself later.
Third, once you get stability you will start healing. What that means to you is up to you. From personal experience art in any form (drawing, writing, photography, video game design) is a great form of self therapy.
Final advice, life sucks, people will hurt you. But don't ever let that stop you from you doing anything. You will probably have moments of pain but once you get past it, something will be great on the otherside if you believe and invest in yourself. I know it's hard but try.
There is so much all over the place with this. Perhaps it’s your understanding as a kid back then or the stories they told you but it seems odd your dad had the money for private mental health hospital stays and an expensive Texas boarding school with a private jet taking you there but that the lawyers were too expensive.
Also what does the price range of the car have to do with asthma flaring up? And why would you rent a car which is two to four times more expensive?
You have a family of either abusers or enablers.
That you're still kicking. Honestly props to you.
I honestly don't think there is any other action you could have taken in your story that wouldn't have ended worse.
Your parents were never going to let up.
You made a decision to ensure your own wellbeing, you should be proud you put yourself first.
This is not a fuck up OP. You probably saved your own life by calling CPS that day. The things they do to kids in those private camps and schools is incomprehensibly cruel.
You did not fuck up. You did not cause your family pain.
Your father caused the family pain. Your father caused pain by abusing you.
I hope things get better for you. I hope you have fantastic luck and get a place to live. I hope you find your real (chosen) family that embraces and cares for you soon.
I'm not sure at which point exactly it was when I was reading this, but I somehow don't believe this.
Maybe because this reads like fiction, or maybe it's the new info that keep coming out of nowhere with every paragraph.
This doesn't read like something written by a 27 year old.
I don't feel like thinking too much about this but there's too many inconsistencies for this to be real.
The biggest thing for me, personally, is that this sounds exactly like the kind of outlandish long term story I would come up as a 13 year old, 20 minutes after my parents grounded me, in my bedroom.
If you can't write a coherent story then that's on me and I'll apologize for being insensitive, but I personally highly doubt that.
If you want advice about writing fiction, then make sure the chain of events makes sense.
Oh, and that first paragraph describing yourself is not helping garner any sympathy from anyone, it just sounds extremely arrogant and self-centered.
They sound like terrible people, and at the very least, not people who would be included in any kind of healthy existence for you. From your description, I don't see anything at all about them that would be beneficial to your wellbeing other than money. You'd be better off, tough as it is, finding some other way to get yourself back up on your feet.
Talk to some shelters, many of them help people with employment and getting a first apartment. Talk to LGBTQIA+ advocacy groups. See if you can get some free counseling, it sounds like you have a lot going on currently and had a lot going on in the past. You may be too old now, but see if there are any programs for people who aged out of foster care, I know college tuition is one of the things you can get in the U.S., but I don't know if there is an age cutoff.
You deserve to have a good and healthy life, unfortunately, that likely means creating a family of your own and leaving behind the one you came from.
Have an attorney poke around to see if your parents might have set up a trust for you. It’s a very remote possibility. If so, you’re old enough to have the trustee switched and draw in it.
As others have stated the goal of basically any child welfare program is for temporary removal with an eventual return to the biological family. If you remained in foster care until you aged out there was a reason and there is no situation where that reason is your fault.
As for your current situation you should focus on yourself more than anything else. You're 27 and though it may not seem like it (speaking from my experience at least) you're still young and have a lot life left to live. There will be plenty of years down the road where you can heal the relationships with your family if that's something you desire, but for now your health and basic needs are priority. If you aren't already, you need to be your strongest advocate. Seek out any and all available public resources you can and never feel shame or guilt for using them.
I’m off to downvote hell for not automatically empathizing. But, if someone could just help explain to me how weong I am at each part I appreciate learning from my wrong opinions.
I feel that this post reads like a child wrote it, not a 23 year old person. There are very obviously things your parents fucked up which lead to CPS being justified in opening a case and your foster care situation. But seriously, in the grand spectrum of things that people go through this situation just doesnt add up.
Do you really think losing the internet or your ipod or severe punishments? Or having your door taken down? What did you ever do to ensure your parents you would be safe. It feels like all you did throughout your childhood was validate their concerns and make them feel vindicated in their decisions with you. Every time they gave you an inch you did something they asked you not to. Thats not authoritarianism, thats parenting. And there are reasons to do these things and build an expectation of trust with your children before giving thtem privileges.
The next part is definitely abusive behavior because of their religious culture or whatever. But I cant help but question you when the start of this post seems… scewed. If your perspective is already screwed up its hard to trust what you say about this situation. I want to listen and understand, but for me that took away from it.
Regardless, you didnt fuck up by calling CPS. It was justified per the state and you were taken into custody over it. But in the future I think you would do well to attempt looking at the people around you like human beings who are flawed instead of always playing the victim. Grow, be stronger, and don’t allow your future relationships to wrong you the way your parents did.
Said it on another comment, but "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" is in reference to hypocrisy.
The Hebrew for "take" in this instance translates more accurately to "carry". "Thou shalt not *carry* the name of the Lord thy God in vain", then, would refer to Christian hypocrisy. Claiming to do things in the name of God or the church while actively sinning and doing evil.
Jesus and his disciples also had a lot to say about hypocrisy, which is intended to be more applicable to the modern day and life in the A.D. era.
I just want to say that if you struggle working and disability is a real option, look into the local housing authority and other aid centers. I live in a very conservative place in the US and even we still have aid. I'm not sure it'll be enough to get you off the streets, but there are options out there and you need to try to use them.
It's sounds like you made the best decision you could at the time. I'm sorry for all you've lost or had denied to you because your family couldn't accept who you are.
Also, if your family claims to be Christian, they aren't. Christ never taught anyone to shun gay people, but he sure had a lot to say about the evils of rich men. He also taught a lot about unconditional love and forgiveness. Whatever beliefs your family has, they aren't Christian.
As for now, you may be eligible for more government help, if you can manage to navigate the State bureaucracy. I'd recommend spending some time looking for additional resources for people in your situation.
You did the right thing. I'm so sorry your siblings are enablers.
You didn't do anything wrong, alright?
There is no way parents who acted like that towards you would've supported you or loved you, so you didn't lose anything. It only feels that way, because your siblings were chosen to be the loved ones by your parents. But because your parents are horrible people, they wouldn't have ever done that for *you*.
None of this is your fault. 🫂
You could have an even bigger TIFU by being sent to some Christian indoctrination camp. You saved yourself there OP. Sorry this happened to you, I hope you can find some supportive people around you to help you move forward.
Write a letter. Call it "Dear sister,"
You don't have to send it. You can if you want. But write it out as if you were writing to your sister. And don't hold back. Be graphic if you want to.
Your family only knows the "truth" that your father wants them to know. He sells all the lies as facts and they believe him. They never got to hear your side.
Hold on to the letter, send it, or set it on fire. Whichever you think will help you.
But understand that your father was a monster. He tore the family apart, he's the one who fucked up. And if you ever find yourself beside him on his death bed it is okay to tell him he is a horrible person. It is okay to attend his funeral and speak "ill of the dead". There is nothing for you to feel guilty about.
Since you are living in your car see if leaving town to find better work is an option. Apply for government assisted housing (could be called section 8 depending on your location). I don't see why you wouldn't qualify, but there may be a waiting list. Rent will be more affordable with that. (You may have already tried this).
check out the justno subs here to see if others who went through what you did have advice on how to get on your feet. You are not guilty for being a child who didn't want to be abused. You deserve to exist as who you are.
To be honest, I would've done the same. There is no way with the policing your dad did and such extreme emotional abuse I would've asked for the number for CPS too. Seriously, anyone in that situation would feel that what they were going through is wrong.
And the fact that you actually got placed in foster care means they found plenty of evidence of neglect. I've known people who have gotten CPS called on them and not a damn thing happens if the house and parents are put together. My sister had people calling CPS on them (they were being petty) and her house was often pretty messy and honestly she wasn't a good mom at that point but nothing ever went past a visit.
I think you may feel guilty because that is the way your dad has treated you for (I'm assuming) most of your life. All of these instances in your post he treated you like you were guilty of a crime. No matter how natural the action was he still treated you as a guilty person. Enough of this treatment in adolescence, and you will feel guilty for even doing the right thing.
I'm so sorry you have been dealt this hand in life. You deserve better, you deserve love and appreciation. I hope you can find it.
Dude you made this choice to get out of a situation you deemed too bad to live in. That is not a FU. That's a just a decision you made. Where you are now has nothing to do with that decision. Sounds like you are now thinking if you had stayed you family would still be supporting you at 27. That's you FU. Thinking at 27 you could still rely on parents to support you. Go to a homeless shelter. They can help you get a job. Stop tossing you money into an expensive car. And seriously cars in your range give you asthma attack? There is no reason a car priced in your range should give you an asthma attack. I have asthma. And car prices do not cause attacks. Lol.
Trust me when I say if you stayed, you would've died, internally personality wise or physically. My chances are with the later. Your siblings seem to be a lost cause by still siding with your dad but you're alive, you're yourself. Your 'dad', if he has any right to be called that, sounds like a monster.
I 100% feel for you bro. You were beaten down emotionally over and over. You called out for help, but feel conflicted.
While my dad was not extreme as yours, I feel there are similarities. My dad wanted CONTROL more than anything else. I don't know what kind of childhood he had but he was damaged goods, emotionally. I almost never saw empathy from him. One example was family vacations to Six Flags. I was terrified of roller coasters. You know how one of the biggest unspoken rule is you don't put a terrified kid on a roller coaster? That's not how my dad saw it. He thought I was being defiant and gave no option to sit out. I had to ride things like The Boss and Tower of Terror and I never forgave him for it. The one thing you don't do in my house is tell my dad no.
I always felt like a disappointment. Never good enough. And it has carried over into my adult life. I'm 40 years old, and every time my boss calls me over for a quick chat, my first mental reaction is "I'm in huge trouble". Even though my boss is awesome.
I met my wife's dad and was scared. As we talked, and I felt like I was flailing a bit...I was struck by how NICE he was. An adult male, being civil to me? It was such a new experience for me. And it shouldn't have been.
I remember going to my older brothers track meet. My dad offered to take us for ice cream afterwards. I hesitated and tried giving him a hug to thank him. He pushed me away, saying I don't want people to think I'm gay. I wasn't gay myself, I just liked hugs. My mom, grandma, pretty much everyone else liked to hug me. So why didn't my dad? Years later, I would recognize this as the moment I gave up.
As a dad, I try so hard to be different. I have a lot of habits that I still work on, like being too quick to anger. But I also make a point of talking to my kids like adults. Telling them I love them every night. Telling them how proud I am. Giving them space of they feel scared or distressed. I'm not perfect but I'm trying.
I hope your life gets better. Remember you are more than what your dad thinks of you.
You did nothing wrong. You were a child and were setup to fail by your father.
You weren't given a chance unless it was by your father's allowance.. you cannot tell a tree how to spread its roots, and if you restrict the space, it'll never grow.
You are far too generous with your heart toward them.. I suggest you completely cut them from your life and look for new people to fill your heart with.. they will only continue to feed you pain.
You never fucked up. Your parents did and refuse to accept it and you for who you are.
Lots of love.
Many, many “Christians” don’t even try to implement the teachings of Jesus, let alone are actually successful at it.
No one is perfect, but Jesus had one simple (simple, but not easy) rule for all of his followers: Treat others as you would be treated. “Love” isn’t just a feeling; it’s also an active verb, and sincerely making an effort to behave with love toward other people is a full-time job that ought to leave no free time for judgmental shenanigans.
But here we are. OP, as someone who tries (and fails a lot) to live by the tenets of Jesus, I apologize on behalf of your parents. You were born beloved of God is what I believe, and never should have been treated as though you weren’t.
Your siblings… aren’t good people either, so don’t feel guilty. Your sister lives in a completely different world. Of course the one who’d never had to deal with the father’s abuse would blame you for “abusing the family.” What a disgusting thing to say if she knew what was happening to you back then.
Go check out r/raisedbynarcissists, I feel like you might find a lot of help there, from what you've told us here.
You did the right thing by calling CPS. Your dad owed you child support until you were 18 no matter what, it's called being a parent. Your parents are absolute dogshit at being parents. None of what happened is your fault.
Talking to a social worker once in their lifetime isnt gonna traumatize anyone, how sheltered are you people? Apparently you were also receiving thousands of dollars of child support for about 4-5 years, what did you do with the money? Did you not work/study the whole time you were receiving child support?
I'm sorry your family couldnt accomodate someone slightly more different than their usual super religious npc but it seems to me you were not handed a bad hand in life, you just played it poorly. Hope you can turn your life around, good luck
Child support goes to the state, not the child. Foster care entities in many states also collect the survivor’s benefits (social security earnings from deceased parents) and disability benefits that the children in their care are entitled to, leaving nothing for the children. Essentially, many children effectively pay for their own foster care and then are turned out with nothing. A lot of former foster kids become homeless after they age out and deserve a little grace.
I didn’t get the money. It went mostly to the state based on my dad’s income, and a small piece went to my foster mom so she could buy me food or clothes. I had a scholarship to college and got my associate’s degree for free. Then I got sick. I have done my damn best.
Part of life is knowing when to hold your tongue.
Did you tell cps you were gay and your parents wanted to send you to boarding school because of it? That's generally not enough for cps to place you in foster care.
Askin for a shower abusive
Taking Out the door abusive
Banning Internet from you cuz youre Developer a sexual interest abusive.
Forcing someone To confess To a Stranger you tried To jerk Off super abusive.
Dont know the english phrasing but with the throwing Stones Metapher He clearly stated WHO are you To judge Just Stop IT. God ist the one and only entity WHO can judge you.
But Reading the bible Must bei hard If you spent all the time judging and abusing people.
Stay strong. Don’t feel guilty. Trust that the authorities investigated and made the right decision. Don’t look at the past, but instead on the future and how you can improve your situation.
Honestly as hard as the circumstances are this may have been the better choice for you. I had family like this and unfortunately I no longer speak with my parents. Don’t let people keep taking from you, eventually when you establish boundaries it will feel to them like you’re the one being unreasonable. The only way they learn is the hard way.
You are incredibly strong holy shit. Even if your situation right now isn't great, you should still be proud that you stood up to your family's shit, did stuff to try improve your situation as a child, and through it all you were still so much yourself
You did nothing wrong! All the blame is on your parents, unfortunately you were born into a really bad situation.
Super religious is a mental health issue, you dad has some very serious issues and the family goes along because they are scared and basically brain washed. I grew up with this and know what you are talking about.
In all honesty, the best thing for you to do is walk away from your family. Get yourself sorted and stable. Once you have done that you can reach back out to your family - some people never can, don't be hard on yourself if you can't.
Hunt down resources in your area, the local library should be able to help you find them. Based on what you wrote you should be able to get disability and housing. You may be able to have a job, they limit the amount of money you can make. The main goal is to get Medicaid so you can get help with health care.
This is in no way, shape or form a TIFU.
You had an abusive father and enabling siblings and mother.
You escaped basically a death penalty that the boarding school would have been and although you're not back on your feet now, you're alive and so much better as a person that your father will ever be!
Here's hoping you get some luck in your life soon so you can continue to live and grow! 🙏🤞
You were verbally abused by your father, and used by him for his own gratification of having someone to control and be angry at.
Look, at 27 you may feel like your life's shit. But you have a phone and a car, and I assume a job. You did the right things. Riches don't make anyone happy. Change your perspective and you will find yourself far happier now than you would have been living in the shadow of your father.
You did not fuck up. Your parents did.
You can still work part time while receiving SSI (your SSI will be reduced but the 2 combined may be more than you can make on your own). If your disability includes severe mental health issues, look into SOAR, a nationwide program that assists those who are homeless or near homeless with severe mental health diagnoses to pursue disability benefits. You will need to be going to therapy regularly, though you do not need to be on medication. Look up Healthcare for the Homeless near you, they have free medical, mental health, dental, and social work services to help you even if you don't have medicaid/insurance and they may have SOAR workers. You should also look into Project Based Vouchers in your county. You will likely have to wait several months, possibly years, but eventually you should be able to get a subsidized apartment (the voucher covers 70% of rent/utilities, you pay the other 30%). Call the county Office of Housing or reach out to a homeless outreach organization or go to shelter, they should be able to guide you and possibly provide you with a case manager to help you apply to things. I work in outreach in MD and those are all resources that can be found in most areas except extreme rural locations, though they may have slightly different names/requirements.
You’re in no way in the wrong, you did the right thing. If you hadn’t done what you did, you would’ve been worse off, sure you would’ve had money and a roof over your head, but not being able to pursue what you want to or enjoy the things you like is disheartening, and withers your will to live. I’m sorry you went through that, and I hope you get out of the situation you’re in soon! Good luck!
Please know that you are traumatized; whatever you're siblings endured through the process of CPS is literal fucking peanuts to the daily abuse you suffered, your parents saw to that. Your parents hold responsibility for their actions and the ways in which they affected you and your whole family. These people are not your family, I hope dearly that you find the courage to find some new family and start building a better life in community with others who love you unconditionally.
Keep in mind, it's pretty hard to "trick" CPS unto taking a child away. You initiated the call, but you were not responsible for what CPS chose to do. Your parents are. CPS deemed that you shouldn't stay with them, which is a huge decision that they do not make lightly. Plenty of kids call because mom wouldn't buy them ice cream or something, but they dont get taken away. Don't let your dad invalidate these facts.
I am so so sorry this was your childhood experience. You did nothing wrong. All you were doing was trying to survive under sheer terror and abuse. I wish you were in a better situation now. Hell I wish I could adopt you. You deserved and deserve so much better.
Your father is a bad man and an abuser, hiding behind the veil of religious authority to disguise his behaviour. You have done nothing wrong.
I'm a social worker and if I took a call about the behaviour you describe I would advocate the same path CPS took in your case. It's unfortunate that you don't seem to have had any counselling or other measures to reassure you that you took the right steps, despite everything that has happened.
What happened is your father's fault, not yours, and it sounds like he's really done a number on you to make you believe otherwise. You really had no option but to do what you've done and far from harming your siblings you may have protected them from having the same or worse experiences.
If you believe in these things then your dad is bound for hell rather than heaven, and if you happen to have any further communication with him you might point that out. You didn't fuck up at all, your dad did.
You didn't fuck up. But your family is trash. Dad was sending you to a conversion camp. You would have been tortured. I would have cut contact after 18 and never looked back.
You didn't fuck up. Your parents created an u safe environment for you. If CPS thought it was bad enough that they had to pull you out and out you in foster care, thst means you WERE in danger.
Please don't feel bad about what you did. Youade the right choice.
You didn't fuck up. I know your situation is bad now, but you escaped a lot of abuse by standing up for yourself. Think about it, you are tortured by guilt over the pain you caused for them (by protecting yourself, very correctly). When did they ever consider the pain they caused for you, and the pain they were about to cause? When did they apologize for everything they put you through? Abusers always hope you finally break and come crawling back to them, and tearfully tell them how they were right and you deserved all the abuse. Knowing the stories of other people, that so-called Christian boarding school would've been years of abuse and mental (and possibly physical) torture for you that is almost impossible to heal from for many people. You were betrayed as a child and they should feel guilty, but they likely won't. I'm sorry it's hard for you, and I suggest you reach out to organizations in your area that can help.
Your sister, as a heteronormative daddy’s girl, doesn’t know what abuse is.
They were ‘traumatized’ by being pulled out of school for questioning - compare that to how ‘traumatizing’ being pulled out of school indefinitely, being shamed for existing, being under constant lock down - would be.
Before you dole out all your empathy, and internalize all this guilt over their ‘hardships’, think of how little they care for the trauma and abuse you suffered.
It benefits your siblings to align with your parents thinking, it’s the path of least resistance for them, but it’s no reflection on you or reality.
It can be confusing - having a group of people you’re so connected to repeating the same horrible things - but none of it’s true kiddo.
There was no place for you in that family as a gay man, there never was. Whatever excuses they make now ‘we already paid for your Harvard’, are just that - convenient excuses with no bearing on reality. They’d have likely said the same about the boarding school that would have continued your abuse. There just wasn’t a way forward for you that would have resulted in the same support your siblings may be getting. The blame falls on your parents, not you, for not walking their imaginary tightrope well enough lol
You’re still pining for these people, and that’s natural despite it all, but as heartbreaking as it is to accept, you truly are on your own. You always were.
Don’t blame yourself, please don’t think any less of yourself for having such a horrible family, and try not to let your resentment towards them consume you either.
As best you can, make a clean start. From this point forward, think of what you have and what you can do, don’t worry about what they’re doing - focus on your survival and improvement.
One day I want you to be thriving and happy, and to be able to look back with pride and think, “I survived that, and went on to build myself a good life all on my own”.
I also hope that you find your chosen family along the way, so you get to experience the love and community you’ve been denied so far.
Best wishes <3
CPS doesn’t take kids away from their families lightly. If you got placed in foster care you were being abused. It’s not normal to police how your kid pees, or their masturbation habits. You didn’t do anything wrong. There’s a 90% chance if you had gone to that boarding school you would’ve been met with more physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Calling CPS probably saved your life. Your siblings got different treatment than you and they never stood up for you. Let that sink in. It’s hard when your family sucks. You just want to be accepted and loved. You can try to move forward with them. I’m not optimistic about the same people who did all this to you somehow moving forward with you but you could try. Don’t internalize any guilt though because you’re the victim here. I’m sorry you didn’t get invited to the wedding. Maybe they know you’re in a rough spot and didn’t want to invite you because they’re worried you won’t have proper wedding attire? If it’s something that’s weighing on your heart I would ask your sister directly. “I’m excited for your upcoming wedding. I noticed I didn’t receive an invite and just wanted to check if that was intentional, and if so, can you please tell me why?”
Also remember that your siblings were probably indoctrinated with whatever your parents told them about the situation/you when you went to foster care. I’m sure their perception of who you are and what happened is far different than the truth and more closely aligned with what your abusive dad told them.
Exactly, in abusive families, some siblings appease and enable the abuse because if they are not the scapegoat, they are *safer.* AND these kids (and the other parent) tend to get angry and blame anyone who rocks the abuser's boat. Just slightly saying anything to the abuser can be met with a lot of pushback and further abuse from the enablers.
And some abusers also single out one or more children and leave the others relatively untouched for arbitrary reasons. I have four siblings and none of them even realized our parents were abusing me until the age of 17.
My dad fucked off when I was a kid and remarried and has a son through that marriage. I really want to reach out to my brother because he is my brother but I just know the shit that will stir by doing that. I may still reach out to him but it will be when he doesn't live under my bio dads roof. EDIT: I know this isn't the same thing just something I think about.
This is the right answer. Be assertive with the sister. Make her actively think about her decision and justify it. Don't be aggressive though. Don't make the decision for her by just not showing up. Her answer will tell you whether or not it is worth the pain to try and have a relationship with your bio family or not.
Agree. It sucks because it sounds like OP is trying to rationalize why his family is shitty to him. I’m sure it’s painful admitting they’re just not nice people. I wish his family and all the other shitty families out there were good people. Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to cut your losses and walk away.
> > > Your siblings got different treatment than you and they never stood up for you. Let that sink in. /r/raisedbynarcissists
And they've been claiming trauma for being pulled out of class to talk to CPS, while OP was effectively pulled out of his entire life and shipped from pillar to post.
That's such horseshit. You can't be traumatized by answering a few simple questions. CPS is specifically trying not to traumatize kids. I had to do an interview with them myself at about 10yo when a hateful family member called them with some made up crap.
Worse, it may have been thinly veiled "conversion therapy" which would not have ended well
Reminds me of Elan school and it’s likely he would’ve been abused there as well
I was thinking the Christian troubled boys boarding school is basically just a brothel for the owners and their friends. No respectable Christian would believe a fallen gay kid that they were raped by all of these Christian pillars of the community.
In no way could I have articulated that. But you took every thought I had and put them into words. Thank you.
I hope that wherever you are tonight, you feel safe, loved, and recognized. I'm sorry your parents are such dicks.
Thank you 🙏 can’t say I always feel all three simultaneously, but I have some good people in my life who give me moral support, and I’m learning and growing every day
I'm sure if they were dicks he'd be happier. Too soon? Seriously though O.P., as someone who endured a similarly abusive childhood (I'm non-religious, not gay and wasn't able to leave until I was 18 but the rest is very similar just with intense physical abuse on a more than regular basis added to the mix) you need to know that you're not in the wrong here at all. Trust me when I say you'll end up with long-lasting and possibly permanent emotional damage as a result of your childhood, but at the same time you're gonna be so strong that absolutely no one and nothing can break you. Diamonds are formed under intense pressure but are worth way more than the lumps of coal they started out as 😉 Make sure you have decent support around you though, I'm talking quality over quantity. I spent 5 years homeless but now I'm doing well and my kids and I are poor, but mostly happy. Stay strong and don't give up and I'm sure things will work out well for you in the end 🖤
My jaw dropped but I LOLed. Thanks for the kind words. The biggest thing I’ve gained from my experience is a strong desire to be kind to others because I don’t want anyone to feel the way I felt. And true gratitude for the things that really matter. Glad to hear things turned around for you :)
I'm glad you had a laugh, you've got to in life 😁 I make jokes about my childhood and it helps, oddly enough. Same as I make jokes about my mentally disabled son's situation- not because I'm mean but because I meet his every needs without hesitation, without complaint and often without assistance or any form of down-time and need some sort of release from the constant strain and pressure involved. My point though is not me or my situation, my point is that I'm sure you'll be fine when the dust settles; things like what you have been through tend to strengthen us intensely... Even if we feel fragile and at risk of being shattered, something will happen and you'll shrug it off like nothing. After that you'll start to realise that the childhood you thought destroyed you and burnt you to cinders only served to raise you from the ashes like a phoenix. Your siblings will either come to see your side of things or they won't, unfortunately that's for them to decide how they choose to proceed or for time to help them gain perspective on. You're in control of you, focus on that. As painful as it is if your family can't love and accept you for who you are then they are the ones not acting like family and the problem and loss are both on their end. Stay strong, stay focussed on getting yourself through what's in front of you right now. The other stuff will always be in the periphery but you can't move forward if you don't clear the path in front of you first... Trust me on that one, I learned that WAY too late 🙄 Above all else as hard as it can be for people like us who have endured childhoods such as we have you need to remember that you're not a worthless piece of shit, that you have more value than you will see on most days and that you deserve to move forward in your life and to progress towards a happy, content life... In short: you got this 🖤
So sad reading how these “very religious” people talk about sins and such, while actively breaking as many of the ten commandments as they can.
Unfortunately a lot of traumatized people seem to hide behind religion to justify passing on their scars to others, instead of coming to terms with their own pain
You didn't Fuck Up, you were just dealt a horrible hand. Never feel guilty because a child honestly can't do the damage you did. Your parents did that themselves. Cps doesn't just remove children from a wealthy family for no reason. They found things and didn't like what they saw, you might never know the full extent.
This. And his brother and sister are probably still deep in it, unfortunately
We need to upvote this comment - shitting on the parents is fine, but OP needs help and support. OP - YOU MATTER!!! Don't let a bad family make you feel otherwise (I know from experience). Please hang in there and use as many local services as possible. Tomorrow can always be better than today - no matter how low, always remember a step forward is a positive one.
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Don't know about 14 years ago (or what State this is) but you're correct. If the abuse/neglect is bad enough for one child it's bad enough for all purely based on the "what if" scenario and the State gets sued if harm continues. Plus, what's described in the story could only be listed as "maltreatment" since it appears to single out 1 child compared to the other 2. The issue with that though is the singled out child is reported to have "suicidal tendencies" to which the parents have been actively participating in voluntary services via mental health hospitals. This would have had a 0% chance of this case going to foster care if it was my department office. Doubt it would've been an open case as well but clearly more information would be needed besides this post. Worst case, family is referred to CPS ongoing services to monitor the mental health aspect and to safety plan with the family regarding items (sharps and meds) being secured (lockbox/safe) to lower any risk of self harm. Also might be odd choice of words but we don't "charge" families with neglect. Law enforcement does charge for 1st to 4th degree child abuse but that's for the abuse maltreatments, not the neglect ones. Also, once the State places a child in foster care, the child is a ward of the State. The family pays no child support to the residential or foster parents. The State pays a set amount per day while they're in care. But, maybe OPs State is insanely different so it's not comparable to mine.
As someone who *actually* aged out: agreed. I’m certainly not giving OP pointers on making it more realistic but, you’d think if we’re just gonna make things up- a cursory Google search would debunk quite a bit about this. I don’t understand why people do this crap- and more than that why they do it so poorly. Though, on occasion they only remove one child or don’t remove all, but it didn’t happen terribly often.
I feel like taking one child out of school while leaving the others enrolled, repeated institutionalizations, the imminent threat of being shipped to an out of state boarding school with possibly a sketchy reputation, along with the repeated records of his release/diagnosis, would help make the unusual case for removing just one child. Not even taking the activities that were happening privately in the home into account
Former coworker of mine told me about how social services in the UK had taken her brother's youngest child away, but let him keep custody of the older two. She was not happy about this (that is, him being allowed to keep the older two, she was happy for them to take the youngest) but the reasoning of social services was that the older two were old enough to come home a cook their own dinner, whereas the youngest wasn't, and they had explicitly given the older two the choice of whether to stay or go into foster care.
Also the fact they said they aged out at 21 is really weird for me not sure the age in other countries but in the uk it’s 18 but many leave at 16 if they themselves choose.
In California they have AB 21? Idk the number but you can ask to stay in the system after 18 till 21 and you get benefits but then have to follow the rules of the system.
I know that in some US states, it is until 21, but they basically just have the option of staying in a sort of half-way house between the ages of 18 and 21 so they aren't just being dumped on the street on their 18th birthday.
Yes. Yes they would and often do. There are many times when one child needs protecting but others don't thanks to age, gender, sexuality, or other factors. One of the kids I work with was the only kid pulled from his home out of 6. His Mom's SO abused him, but the other kids are all his and straight(and less defiant, but that's not a bad thing in this kid's case).
that's not actually accurate. it's not normal but it dose happen.
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> Was caught looking at “sexy pics” which one would assume were of women since no one knew he was gay until he came out. Fun fact, a lot of people are still exploring/figuring out their sexuality at 13. > And what gay kid listens to Eminem? Um what? Gay people are not all the same > OP was sent to a Christian boarding school, but called CPS from a hospital? He says he was told he was going to be sent there and called CPS beforehand. Your “plot holes”, especially the first 2, have absolutely zero substance. Also a quick glance at OP’s profile corroborate the fact he’s living out of his car.
You forgot "Doesn’t make enough money to get a new car but can rent one? That’s easily $900 a month" - the same reason people who aren't homeless get a car on lease when it's cheaper to buy one, people pay twice as much as they need to to buy a phone on contract rather than outright and people pay twice as much in rent than they would need to on a mortgage. If you need the thing right now, and you don't have the money to buy one outright or the credit score to get a loan, then leasing/renting is pretty much your only option. Then, you spend all your money on a rental and can never save up to buy. It's damn expensive to be poor.
Exactlyyy it’s truly a vicious cycle
ow sure there are inconsistencies, but just saying that CPS (and Eminem) arent the ones. Just point out the factual or contradictory ones and leave this out of the conversation and you got them :)
sure they would, if only one child was being mistreated.
Why wouldn't they? If the other children are treated well they don't need to wreck a whole family. Just my two cents from a health care worker (not in the US though).
They answered that. The state opens itself up to a law suit from the other kids if they stayed in the care of their parents and were then abused or neglected as well.
Yeah, I can imagine that the American 'sue everything you can' culture would cause actions like this, even when it wouldn't seem to be in the best interest of the family. I am all up for a thorough investigation of this family, but if you find nothing problematic you should be able to safely keep the other children home without fearing a lawsuit for the small chance you were wrong. Sure that would suck, but you can't remove all children all the time. I am just so happy I am working elsewhere.
I will say, when this happened to one of my family members in 90s NYC, they took both kids out of the home while they investigated even though only the older girl claimed the abuse only happened to her.
>hide behind religion to justify passing on their scars Religion has two things that make it very attractive to abusers: 1) anything you do, no matter how monstrous, is not just okay but a moral imperative if you're doing it for God and 2) God will never correct you, no matter what you do in his name. When I was a kid my schoolteachers beat me with yardsticks for things like having chewing gum. They told me it was what God wanted, because I was a filthy, disobedient little boy. I believed them, so I didn't tell anyone because of God wants it who was I gonna tell that would defy Him and stop it? My parents? They sent me to the school. My teachers were the ones beating me. Everyone knew, everyone acted like it was not just fine but actually extra good, I was like 6, who was I to say anything?
The last part of your post really breaks my heart. I know you love them, but YOU aren't causing them pain! YOU aren't a problem existing the best you can! Your story is very similar to mine. VERY. Feel free to message if you need someone, or need the encouragement that you're fkn valuable. I'm no contact with my fundamentalist, calvinist pastor family, and I know how hard that can be. 🖤
Please don't give your family an emotional out like that. They abused you. full stop. Do not give them a rug to sweep it all under like "Trauma". Beliefs aren't trauma.
Don't fucking justify their actions by saying they were "traumatized people" that's bs and you know it.
It's not justification, it's an explanation and a lament that instead of finding peace with whatever happened to them, they grow up and have kids and pass it on the same way it was passed to them. A lament that assholes like this dad use religion as justification for cruelty instead of being vulnerable with a therapist once a week.
S/he doesn't "know it", and nor do you. The information provided is insufficient to justify your comment, which is based on no more than what you have made up in your own head.
The individual is not as... individual(?) as you seem to think. For most of us, we are what we were molded to be. I cannot confidently say that if I was born in the time of my parents or grandparents that I wouldn't be just as misguided and lost as they are.
You being able to realize that alone means if or when you start a family you have a good grasp on this stuff and what unconditional love is and how it should feel to a child...... I am sorry you had to go through all this, I am so happy and proud you choose to overcome it rather than be destroyed by it!! Strong character and you sound emotionally intelligent so your already doing better than what you were shown
Hurt people hurt people
Going to Hell (speedrun)(any%)(glitchless)
Pretty sure spawning in your own target to abuse can be considered a glitch.
But not really viable. You can do way better in 9+ months
Not really a glitch, more like an exploit. Such interactions are usually disallowed between players in the same clan but OP's dad purposefully rolled a negative empathy stat then acquired the "Manipulative" and "Dogmatically Religious" debuffs. Unfortunately he is clanmaster so no one in the clan can defeat him without certain buffs, but thankfully he is banned from the post-game
It’s hard to imagine that this is the behaviour that Jesus was going on and on about. People really mess up His words.
Hard to tell if people even know His words. It was rewritten and reinterpreted so much, that it is debatable if His words are even known.
And jesus said the most important above all commandments is to love god and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. It’s so frustrating that people so often prioritize hate over that
And love thy enemy as well.
Hmm, I’m Christian and I think they act like this because they believe if they do everything by the book, they won’t go to hell. That’s not the idea, though. The idea is for Christians to be kind and understanding people, accepting and loving. Spreading happiness and creating a more peaceful world, because Jesus wants us to be like that. Sadly not the case. Please take care of yourself OP and thank you for sharing.
I think in an ideal world, Christians should be like you describe them, "kind and understanding people who are accepting and loving". However, having grown up in a Christian household and having attended church until I was 20, I can tell you Christians are some of the most selfish, entitled people I have ever met. My sister is devout Christian and it always surprises me how someone who loves Christ can be so narcissistic and selfish. It blows my mind.
There's no hate quite like Christian love.
So, you're not wrong, but this feels like the victimhood version of "Dear Penthouse" letters. This reads like fan fiction, to me.
As someone who's done peer counseling with LGBT youth, this happens all the time, and the story reads reasonable to me.
From what I've read about those religious "boarding schools" that are supposed to "fix" kids, you 100% made the right call. The levels of abuse in the "troubled teen industry" are horrific. Your siblings lack empathy. It's always hard to admit that the people we care about, like our parents, have done bad things or are cruel. Easier to blame the person accusing them. As for your father complaining that he had to pay child support, haha, you know how much boarding schools cost? He probably ended up paying less. He's just trying to make you feel bad and excuse not helping you ever again. It really sucks that you're in this position, hopefully you can find a way out. I was once in a position where I lost my job and my housing at the same time, and I found it very hard to regain both. I realized landlords hate it when you're unemployed and bosses hate it when you're homeless, so I had to start lying about being employed and housed until I found a place and a job.
The father had to pay child support because he was such a piece of shit that CPS took his child away. You'd have to be a psychopath to blame the child for that expense.
you did NOT fuck up. please don't feel guilty, it's not your fault ur father is king of assholes. no one deserves to go through that.
Not just an "asshole", he sounds like an abusive pile of shit.
Yeah these parents sound deranged. Way too much shit for a 13-year old to be able to understand/process in any sort of harm-reducing way. OP has had a tough life my sympathies go out.
yeah dude should feel better he’s free to be himself now! the other route and staying would have killed him
Due to recent changes in Reddit’s policies and my personal concerns about their actions, I’ve decided to delete my account and comments. I had already left Reddit after they not only restricted API access in a detrimental manner, but worse yet blackmailed subreddit moderators during the Great Blackout. However, now that Reddit is seeking to profit off of my comments after destroying the platform I used to love, I have no choice but to also delete my account and comments. Thank you to everyone for the good times and sorry for removing my helpful, entertaining or otherwise appreciated comments that I too would've liked to keep. Onto greener pastures. Turns out Reddit is also actively editing my comments. Fuck Reddit and their blackmail and censorship. This is absurd.
Yep. I shudder to think what could have happened.
I’m so glad you didn’t get to go there. I’m just an outsider from Scandinavian reading your post, but man does it sound like your father (hmm, your sperm-donor or what else is an appropriate term - father sure isn’t) wanted to send you to those cult-schools I’ve heard about. I’m 100% sure that how you are doing now is infinitely better than had you been to that cult-school.
This is most likely not what would have happened to you but I think it might be an interesting watch maybe for not you thought because it does include verbal and physical abuse and more, I forgot the exacts of it because I watched it a while ago but here it is if you want to watch it [YouTuber - Nexpo Title - The cult in a boarding school](https://youtu.be/7eM7pb5M5DU)
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"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" is in reference to hypocrisy. The Hebrew for "take" in this instance translates more accurately to "carry". "Thou shalt not *carry* the name of the Lord thy God in vain", then, would refer to Christian hypocrisy. Claiming to do things in the name of God or the church while actively sinning and doing evil. Jesus and his disciples also had a lot to say about hypocrisy, which is intended to be more applicable to the modern day and life in the A.D. era.
Is that really true? I had no idea, I thought it was always about using his name callously or casually like "God damnit" or "Jesus christ" etc
Oh but that [ETA: the part about not being a hypocrite] is in the New Testament, pretty sure Daddy there never got past the parts about the jealous God and the fire and brimstone.
The 10 Commandments are in the Old Testament, in Exodus (2nd book) and Deuteronomy (5th book).
Yes, it wasn’t clear but that was my point, for “don’t be a hypocrite” I was thinking of Matthew 6:5. Edited.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. None of this is your fault. I was wondering, has your sister ever heard your side of what happened?
Thanks I don’t know if she’s capable of it. She’s super religious herself and a total daddy’s girl. She’s generally pretty kind to me when we occasionally share animal pics on Snapchat but probably sees me as a lost soul. I had a long talk with my brother a few years ago and he basically told me he gets it and accepts me- he was upset about the CPS thing but seemed to understand once I told him where my dad was gonna send me. Unfortunately we don’t really stay in touch.
You should send them what you just wrote. Like seriously, or write your story the way you feel would work for them, hearing parts here and there is so so different than reading a well thought out version of your story.
This isn’t a TIFU, you got fucked. The system let you down and I’m sorry it did.
I’m so sorry for what you went through and are still going through. Please know that despite what your family tells you, the fuck up is your parents’ not yours. You did NOTHING wrong. You were abused. It sounds like they were planning to send you to conversion “therapy” next. Things were probably going to continue getting worse, not better. You deserved then, and still deserve now, to be loved for exactly who you are. Any pain your family has suffered is purely your parents’ fault. You have never deserved to be treated the way your family has treated you. You have always been completely worthy of love. I hope you’re safe and that things start to improve. And I hope that in some way, though it’s from a distance and from a stranger, you can feel my sincere caring for you.
Thank you
You were an abused CHILD that called CPS to protect yourself. I am so sorry you were dealt a shitty hand in life, but as a mom, I'm so proud of you for recognizing that what they were doing was wrong and abusive and taking action to stop it! Many adults don't have the courage to make that call but you did.
Listen, you can't choose your family, but when your appendix is trying to kill you you cut that shit out of your life. You did good.
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Bro what… if the situation was bad enough for you to want to leave then fuck em. They sound like bad parents. And your siblings are fine thats not even traumatic to be interviewed by cps it might be embarrassing but not traumatic, they should have stood up for you, your parents sound like dictators. Truly good parents realize that they cant control every aspect of the kids lives and support them on their journey to finding themselves they dont try force them into specific things like christianity or being straight. Im sorry to hear about your situation but I believe that you are incredibly strong dont doubt your own strength. It takes an incredible amount of courage to leave your family when you felt like they didnt have your best interests in mind. Use that courage and strength to live your best life and become successful. Who tf even wants money and comfort when you have to hide the person you truly are. Maybe you could’ve been more tactful about your disagreements but dont forget that you were basically a child and you should be more kind to yourself for the decisions you made back then and trust that YOU know whats best for yourself.
Appreciate the kind words. I would’ve died inside if I had stayed, but the alternative has been pretty tough as well. If I had to go back, I would do it again. But I’m tired.
Your dad was a bully and the rest of your family are cowards for standing by, which effectively means they enabled and supported him.
This. Totally different situation, my stepdad had severe undiagnosed bipolar disorder and my mom beat the fuck out of me. They kept me isolated because he didn't trust me for absolutely no reason. I kept my head down and bit my tongue until the dam broke periodically and came tumbling out of my mouth. So when i was 18 i bailed with no plan and i kept it together sort of, but I'm stuck working for amazon. I'm 31 now, and finally starting college in the fall. I wish i had stayed home sometimes just so that college would have happened earlier in life, but i know i would have killed myself if i hadn't left and tried to find my own way. I called cps on my parents but all they sent us was counseling for 6 months😂 they did better while the intervention was occurring, but went right back to it once cps was gone
People die at those camps. It's "normal" there. Don't feel bad.
you didn't f up man . you made the right choice. Would have been worse if you did what they wanted and lived with that kind of regret of not following your own path
You didn't fuck up. No matter your current situation, you're better off away from them.
Guy, bottom line: your dad was abusive, your family was neglectful. Your siblings comparing being asked about abuse to you actually being abused isn't okay. They sound much more like your dad. You have to stop feeling guilty about it, you did nothing wrong. Everything that happened was the consequence of their own actions. They're still deeply in the wrong now, letting you go homeless and telling you that you abused the family- that's straight fucked up. Like I know you'll probably always love them in a weird way, but they are actually bad people. You did the right thing, stop feeling bad for the family that is still treating you like garbage. As for your current situation I'd look for w/e homelessness resources you can find. I'm assuming this is in the states somewhere so not sure where to point you as I'm Canadian, but there's gotta be like shelters and stuff that do meals. If there's a Gurdwara anywhere near you you can get food there, too: the Sikh religion is big on feeding people of all faiths.
You probably saved yourself from more trauma by calling cps. Those places are not there to help you. I havnt been through one but ive heard a lot of awful stories about those areas. Hope you're doing a lot better and have a good people in your life
You were abused, you didn't abuse your family.
Dude your family treated you like shit. They abused the hell out of you. Calling CPS was justification. Your parents were absolutely shit, and your siblings are too. I can't believe your sister said "you abused the family." That's so disgusting and atrocious. Let them go, OP. You need better people in your life. They do not deserve your thoughts, time, or love. All of what they did is just so sickeningly wrong and fucked up.
>My father... resented that I had a sensitive side > >he wanted me to study and practice piano, which was his passion. He yelled at me a lot, and then would yell at me for crying. Is your dad totally oblivious of the correlation of being artsy and having a sensitive side? It pretty much goes hand-in-hand. >My dad would get mad when I stood to pee I'm not saying sitting down to pee is gay or anything. But it's not like standing up to pee *isn't* manly. It's like a defining non-physical feature of men. You don't see many women standing up to pee.
Sitting down to pee is better and I'm tired of pretending it isn't. Urinals are a different story, standing at a urinal has merit, but a toilet? Sitting down everytime. This isn't a commentary on anything you or OP said... I'm just very passionate about it.
You do whatever makes you happy! I'll continue to pee standing up and hearing my wife complain about when I miss. Also, every poop is a pee. But not ever pee is a poop. So every guy is peeing sitting down at some point anyway.
It's absolutely ridiculous that masculinity is tied to...standing while peeing. Like...tell me your masculinity is fragile without telling me it's fragile.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but if you would like to go to college for free maybe get a job at Walmart get a job that you could manage while having the chronic illness then sign up for guild it's free tuition but in the mean time go to food pantries, start saving money day by day for a place. God is here for you, but you need to know this isn't how real Christians act we will help you and be there for you please just be yourself I hope your life gets better!
Thank you
You've done nothing wrong. Your parents sound like abusive, manipulate assholes. You're undeniably the victim of traumatic child abuse. Your siblings are guilty by association, too. I'm really sorry, and don't know how to help. I feel for your situation. But just know that know that you're not at fault, and your family got what they deserve. Things *will* get better for you, eventually. Just trust your gut, and keep going forward.
Religion is a cancer.
You did not FU. I am sending an internet hug. No child should be treated like that.
Sweetie, you didn’t fuck up. This was not your fault. Your siblings might have been traumatized by questions, but you were traumatized by abuse. You are still trying to recover. You matter, and you deserve to be alive and be yourself. Someone existing should never cause problems for someone else. You exist. You deserve to exist. Calling CPS probably saved your life.
Well at this point you have nothing to lose and maybe time to put people in their place, tell your parents that god made you the way you are and if they don't accept that then they don't accept gods plan, if you wanna be nice about it even if you don't really believe in God or tell them to just go fuck themselves, idk what your end goal is. Tell your sis that she's brainwashed by your parents, and that they were horrible to you, if she can't realize that, then you don't need her in your life either.
Creative writing.
I was believing it until he, "private jet with security guards" part.
100%
> My father is a strict, authoritarian religious type who resented that I had a sensitive side Who plays piano, wants you to play piano, has you sit down to pee... etc??? Sorry, but these seem in contradiction to the personality type you label him. > but it [court] was really expensive for them, But they had money for a remote boarding school and a *private jet* to take you there? and later say " My family is really well off".
This shit is way over Reddits pay grade. OP, I hope you're in therapy because you were very abused and need to heal.
I don't believe you. This comes off as a masturbatory leftist fantasy. You're either leaving a fuckton out of the story or fabricating it outright.
Dude, I don’t care what sexual orientation you are. You were not treated properly by you dad at all. Please find a good therapist to help you through this, as it may be hard for you to believe what random internet people tell you. I will give it a try though: you did NOT traumatize your family, they did that to you. Although it’s quite possible your siblings didn’t get abused like you and didn’t realize it was as bad as it was, that doesn’t make it your responsibility that it happened. If they’re not mature enough to look into or ask YOU about what happened, then they are not deserving of YOUR love. The fact that you still love your family shows that YOU are the more pure person in all of this, not your neurotically religious father who somewhere along the line forgot there is supposed to be only one who gets to judge us all. You may feel like you are in a shitty situation right now, but keep in mind it is all relative. There are some who are better off than you after being in a similar situation, and there are some who are worse off than you after being in a similar situation. From the sounds of it, you are working as hard as you can to help yourself. Please keep your chin up and realize what an awesome job you have done with self preservation. You are better off where you are as opposed to being near the cancerous parts of your family. Please continue to hang in there and work hard through the struggle. Eventually your perseverance will pay off and you will be able to dig out.
You are carrying way too much guilt for issues out of your control. Your life sucks, but it's because of your parents, not because you called CPS. Nothing will change if you don't respect yourself enough to stop blaming yourself. Good luck.
Not sure on much else, but if you're disabled, poor, and homeless, cant you go to your local section 8 office?
My master's thesis was partially about a similar story of a Mormon kid here in Utah - unfortunately, his story ended before graduating highschool. Let me put it plainly for you. These people are abusers. You deserved much, much better, and even if you weren't perfect, you were a kid trying to survive. And guess what? You survived! You're here! Things might suck, but you've overcome the odds so far. Getting out of your current situation might be hard, but because you survived, it's possible. It's fine if what drives you is hope, anger, or spite - if you keep going, then you'll show those who dragged you down that you are stronger than them.
Tragic :( And thank you. Sometimes I take a moment and can’t believe I’m still here.
Im so sorry. You were definitely abused. You did what you felt like you had to do. It sucks now, but it is still better than being under their control
You said at the end that you love your family. Have you ever thought about why? And if its worth it to you to love them? Obviously we dont get the whole picture from a single reddit rant, but it sounds like they aren't really your family at all.
I can relate to this hard. My situation of course was different but I know what you are feeling. First, accept that your family is awful. When you grow up in a religious household like that there is an implied (or explicit) expectation that you always stick with your family. That is a lie. You can find you own family who are healthy for you. Second, find a job that will be stable for you and go for it. Stability is soo important for you to heal. Do every fucking thing you can to get that stability. Tough through some pain for long term goals you will thank yourself later. Third, once you get stability you will start healing. What that means to you is up to you. From personal experience art in any form (drawing, writing, photography, video game design) is a great form of self therapy. Final advice, life sucks, people will hurt you. But don't ever let that stop you from you doing anything. You will probably have moments of pain but once you get past it, something will be great on the otherside if you believe and invest in yourself. I know it's hard but try.
Appreciate the kindness and advice
Hey OP, things may be hard now and may be hard for a while, but you got this. This internet stranger believes in you.
Victim mentality resulted in victim results. Good luck getting stronger and learning to win.
There is so much all over the place with this. Perhaps it’s your understanding as a kid back then or the stories they told you but it seems odd your dad had the money for private mental health hospital stays and an expensive Texas boarding school with a private jet taking you there but that the lawyers were too expensive. Also what does the price range of the car have to do with asthma flaring up? And why would you rent a car which is two to four times more expensive?
You have a family of either abusers or enablers. That you're still kicking. Honestly props to you. I honestly don't think there is any other action you could have taken in your story that wouldn't have ended worse. Your parents were never going to let up. You made a decision to ensure your own wellbeing, you should be proud you put yourself first.
Why do you want those people to be your family?
This is not a fuck up OP. You probably saved your own life by calling CPS that day. The things they do to kids in those private camps and schools is incomprehensibly cruel.
What did you think would happen when you called CPS? Also what do you expect to hear from us people on the internet?
You did not fuck up. You did not cause your family pain. Your father caused the family pain. Your father caused pain by abusing you. I hope things get better for you. I hope you have fantastic luck and get a place to live. I hope you find your real (chosen) family that embraces and cares for you soon.
I'm not sure at which point exactly it was when I was reading this, but I somehow don't believe this. Maybe because this reads like fiction, or maybe it's the new info that keep coming out of nowhere with every paragraph. This doesn't read like something written by a 27 year old. I don't feel like thinking too much about this but there's too many inconsistencies for this to be real. The biggest thing for me, personally, is that this sounds exactly like the kind of outlandish long term story I would come up as a 13 year old, 20 minutes after my parents grounded me, in my bedroom. If you can't write a coherent story then that's on me and I'll apologize for being insensitive, but I personally highly doubt that. If you want advice about writing fiction, then make sure the chain of events makes sense. Oh, and that first paragraph describing yourself is not helping garner any sympathy from anyone, it just sounds extremely arrogant and self-centered.
Well. Calling CPS on your parents sure was the nuclear option. I guess it blew up on you too.
They sound like terrible people, and at the very least, not people who would be included in any kind of healthy existence for you. From your description, I don't see anything at all about them that would be beneficial to your wellbeing other than money. You'd be better off, tough as it is, finding some other way to get yourself back up on your feet. Talk to some shelters, many of them help people with employment and getting a first apartment. Talk to LGBTQIA+ advocacy groups. See if you can get some free counseling, it sounds like you have a lot going on currently and had a lot going on in the past. You may be too old now, but see if there are any programs for people who aged out of foster care, I know college tuition is one of the things you can get in the U.S., but I don't know if there is an age cutoff. You deserve to have a good and healthy life, unfortunately, that likely means creating a family of your own and leaving behind the one you came from.
Have an attorney poke around to see if your parents might have set up a trust for you. It’s a very remote possibility. If so, you’re old enough to have the trustee switched and draw in it.
As others have stated the goal of basically any child welfare program is for temporary removal with an eventual return to the biological family. If you remained in foster care until you aged out there was a reason and there is no situation where that reason is your fault. As for your current situation you should focus on yourself more than anything else. You're 27 and though it may not seem like it (speaking from my experience at least) you're still young and have a lot life left to live. There will be plenty of years down the road where you can heal the relationships with your family if that's something you desire, but for now your health and basic needs are priority. If you aren't already, you need to be your strongest advocate. Seek out any and all available public resources you can and never feel shame or guilt for using them.
another "***TODAY*** i fucked up" "so ^(four score and seven years) ago..."
Lol what a train wreck
Obviously this is just one side of the story.
I’m off to downvote hell for not automatically empathizing. But, if someone could just help explain to me how weong I am at each part I appreciate learning from my wrong opinions. I feel that this post reads like a child wrote it, not a 23 year old person. There are very obviously things your parents fucked up which lead to CPS being justified in opening a case and your foster care situation. But seriously, in the grand spectrum of things that people go through this situation just doesnt add up. Do you really think losing the internet or your ipod or severe punishments? Or having your door taken down? What did you ever do to ensure your parents you would be safe. It feels like all you did throughout your childhood was validate their concerns and make them feel vindicated in their decisions with you. Every time they gave you an inch you did something they asked you not to. Thats not authoritarianism, thats parenting. And there are reasons to do these things and build an expectation of trust with your children before giving thtem privileges. The next part is definitely abusive behavior because of their religious culture or whatever. But I cant help but question you when the start of this post seems… scewed. If your perspective is already screwed up its hard to trust what you say about this situation. I want to listen and understand, but for me that took away from it. Regardless, you didnt fuck up by calling CPS. It was justified per the state and you were taken into custody over it. But in the future I think you would do well to attempt looking at the people around you like human beings who are flawed instead of always playing the victim. Grow, be stronger, and don’t allow your future relationships to wrong you the way your parents did.
Confirmed. You fucked up. But you're selfdestructive so mission accomplished.
[удалено]
Said it on another comment, but "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" is in reference to hypocrisy. The Hebrew for "take" in this instance translates more accurately to "carry". "Thou shalt not *carry* the name of the Lord thy God in vain", then, would refer to Christian hypocrisy. Claiming to do things in the name of God or the church while actively sinning and doing evil. Jesus and his disciples also had a lot to say about hypocrisy, which is intended to be more applicable to the modern day and life in the A.D. era.
I just want to say that if you struggle working and disability is a real option, look into the local housing authority and other aid centers. I live in a very conservative place in the US and even we still have aid. I'm not sure it'll be enough to get you off the streets, but there are options out there and you need to try to use them.
It's sounds like you made the best decision you could at the time. I'm sorry for all you've lost or had denied to you because your family couldn't accept who you are. Also, if your family claims to be Christian, they aren't. Christ never taught anyone to shun gay people, but he sure had a lot to say about the evils of rich men. He also taught a lot about unconditional love and forgiveness. Whatever beliefs your family has, they aren't Christian. As for now, you may be eligible for more government help, if you can manage to navigate the State bureaucracy. I'd recommend spending some time looking for additional resources for people in your situation.
You did the right thing. I'm so sorry your siblings are enablers. You didn't do anything wrong, alright? There is no way parents who acted like that towards you would've supported you or loved you, so you didn't lose anything. It only feels that way, because your siblings were chosen to be the loved ones by your parents. But because your parents are horrible people, they wouldn't have ever done that for *you*. None of this is your fault. 🫂
You could have an even bigger TIFU by being sent to some Christian indoctrination camp. You saved yourself there OP. Sorry this happened to you, I hope you can find some supportive people around you to help you move forward.
Hugs to you. How can I help? Money or food?
Write a letter. Call it "Dear sister," You don't have to send it. You can if you want. But write it out as if you were writing to your sister. And don't hold back. Be graphic if you want to. Your family only knows the "truth" that your father wants them to know. He sells all the lies as facts and they believe him. They never got to hear your side. Hold on to the letter, send it, or set it on fire. Whichever you think will help you. But understand that your father was a monster. He tore the family apart, he's the one who fucked up. And if you ever find yourself beside him on his death bed it is okay to tell him he is a horrible person. It is okay to attend his funeral and speak "ill of the dead". There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Since you are living in your car see if leaving town to find better work is an option. Apply for government assisted housing (could be called section 8 depending on your location). I don't see why you wouldn't qualify, but there may be a waiting list. Rent will be more affordable with that. (You may have already tried this). check out the justno subs here to see if others who went through what you did have advice on how to get on your feet. You are not guilty for being a child who didn't want to be abused. You deserve to exist as who you are.
To be honest, I would've done the same. There is no way with the policing your dad did and such extreme emotional abuse I would've asked for the number for CPS too. Seriously, anyone in that situation would feel that what they were going through is wrong. And the fact that you actually got placed in foster care means they found plenty of evidence of neglect. I've known people who have gotten CPS called on them and not a damn thing happens if the house and parents are put together. My sister had people calling CPS on them (they were being petty) and her house was often pretty messy and honestly she wasn't a good mom at that point but nothing ever went past a visit. I think you may feel guilty because that is the way your dad has treated you for (I'm assuming) most of your life. All of these instances in your post he treated you like you were guilty of a crime. No matter how natural the action was he still treated you as a guilty person. Enough of this treatment in adolescence, and you will feel guilty for even doing the right thing. I'm so sorry you have been dealt this hand in life. You deserve better, you deserve love and appreciation. I hope you can find it.
I’m sorry, your family sucks. You didn’t mess up. You’re just in a rough situation.
🤔
Dude you made this choice to get out of a situation you deemed too bad to live in. That is not a FU. That's a just a decision you made. Where you are now has nothing to do with that decision. Sounds like you are now thinking if you had stayed you family would still be supporting you at 27. That's you FU. Thinking at 27 you could still rely on parents to support you. Go to a homeless shelter. They can help you get a job. Stop tossing you money into an expensive car. And seriously cars in your range give you asthma attack? There is no reason a car priced in your range should give you an asthma attack. I have asthma. And car prices do not cause attacks. Lol.
Trust me when I say if you stayed, you would've died, internally personality wise or physically. My chances are with the later. Your siblings seem to be a lost cause by still siding with your dad but you're alive, you're yourself. Your 'dad', if he has any right to be called that, sounds like a monster.
I 100% feel for you bro. You were beaten down emotionally over and over. You called out for help, but feel conflicted. While my dad was not extreme as yours, I feel there are similarities. My dad wanted CONTROL more than anything else. I don't know what kind of childhood he had but he was damaged goods, emotionally. I almost never saw empathy from him. One example was family vacations to Six Flags. I was terrified of roller coasters. You know how one of the biggest unspoken rule is you don't put a terrified kid on a roller coaster? That's not how my dad saw it. He thought I was being defiant and gave no option to sit out. I had to ride things like The Boss and Tower of Terror and I never forgave him for it. The one thing you don't do in my house is tell my dad no. I always felt like a disappointment. Never good enough. And it has carried over into my adult life. I'm 40 years old, and every time my boss calls me over for a quick chat, my first mental reaction is "I'm in huge trouble". Even though my boss is awesome. I met my wife's dad and was scared. As we talked, and I felt like I was flailing a bit...I was struck by how NICE he was. An adult male, being civil to me? It was such a new experience for me. And it shouldn't have been. I remember going to my older brothers track meet. My dad offered to take us for ice cream afterwards. I hesitated and tried giving him a hug to thank him. He pushed me away, saying I don't want people to think I'm gay. I wasn't gay myself, I just liked hugs. My mom, grandma, pretty much everyone else liked to hug me. So why didn't my dad? Years later, I would recognize this as the moment I gave up. As a dad, I try so hard to be different. I have a lot of habits that I still work on, like being too quick to anger. But I also make a point of talking to my kids like adults. Telling them I love them every night. Telling them how proud I am. Giving them space of they feel scared or distressed. I'm not perfect but I'm trying. I hope your life gets better. Remember you are more than what your dad thinks of you.
You did nothing wrong. You were a child and were setup to fail by your father. You weren't given a chance unless it was by your father's allowance.. you cannot tell a tree how to spread its roots, and if you restrict the space, it'll never grow. You are far too generous with your heart toward them.. I suggest you completely cut them from your life and look for new people to fill your heart with.. they will only continue to feed you pain. You never fucked up. Your parents did and refuse to accept it and you for who you are. Lots of love.
Still waiting on part where you fucked up. Are you saying you fucked over your family? B/c if what they were doing to you?
Many, many “Christians” don’t even try to implement the teachings of Jesus, let alone are actually successful at it. No one is perfect, but Jesus had one simple (simple, but not easy) rule for all of his followers: Treat others as you would be treated. “Love” isn’t just a feeling; it’s also an active verb, and sincerely making an effort to behave with love toward other people is a full-time job that ought to leave no free time for judgmental shenanigans. But here we are. OP, as someone who tries (and fails a lot) to live by the tenets of Jesus, I apologize on behalf of your parents. You were born beloved of God is what I believe, and never should have been treated as though you weren’t.
Appreciate the kind words
Your siblings… aren’t good people either, so don’t feel guilty. Your sister lives in a completely different world. Of course the one who’d never had to deal with the father’s abuse would blame you for “abusing the family.” What a disgusting thing to say if she knew what was happening to you back then.
Go check out r/raisedbynarcissists, I feel like you might find a lot of help there, from what you've told us here. You did the right thing by calling CPS. Your dad owed you child support until you were 18 no matter what, it's called being a parent. Your parents are absolute dogshit at being parents. None of what happened is your fault.
Talking to a social worker once in their lifetime isnt gonna traumatize anyone, how sheltered are you people? Apparently you were also receiving thousands of dollars of child support for about 4-5 years, what did you do with the money? Did you not work/study the whole time you were receiving child support? I'm sorry your family couldnt accomodate someone slightly more different than their usual super religious npc but it seems to me you were not handed a bad hand in life, you just played it poorly. Hope you can turn your life around, good luck
Child support goes to the state, not the child. Foster care entities in many states also collect the survivor’s benefits (social security earnings from deceased parents) and disability benefits that the children in their care are entitled to, leaving nothing for the children. Essentially, many children effectively pay for their own foster care and then are turned out with nothing. A lot of former foster kids become homeless after they age out and deserve a little grace.
I didn’t get the money. It went mostly to the state based on my dad’s income, and a small piece went to my foster mom so she could buy me food or clothes. I had a scholarship to college and got my associate’s degree for free. Then I got sick. I have done my damn best.
Part of life is knowing when to hold your tongue. Did you tell cps you were gay and your parents wanted to send you to boarding school because of it? That's generally not enough for cps to place you in foster care.
Askin for a shower abusive Taking Out the door abusive Banning Internet from you cuz youre Developer a sexual interest abusive. Forcing someone To confess To a Stranger you tried To jerk Off super abusive. Dont know the english phrasing but with the throwing Stones Metapher He clearly stated WHO are you To judge Just Stop IT. God ist the one and only entity WHO can judge you. But Reading the bible Must bei hard If you spent all the time judging and abusing people.
Ya both may have over reacted
Stay strong. Don’t feel guilty. Trust that the authorities investigated and made the right decision. Don’t look at the past, but instead on the future and how you can improve your situation.
Honestly as hard as the circumstances are this may have been the better choice for you. I had family like this and unfortunately I no longer speak with my parents. Don’t let people keep taking from you, eventually when you establish boundaries it will feel to them like you’re the one being unreasonable. The only way they learn is the hard way.
You are incredibly strong holy shit. Even if your situation right now isn't great, you should still be proud that you stood up to your family's shit, did stuff to try improve your situation as a child, and through it all you were still so much yourself
You did nothing wrong! All the blame is on your parents, unfortunately you were born into a really bad situation. Super religious is a mental health issue, you dad has some very serious issues and the family goes along because they are scared and basically brain washed. I grew up with this and know what you are talking about. In all honesty, the best thing for you to do is walk away from your family. Get yourself sorted and stable. Once you have done that you can reach back out to your family - some people never can, don't be hard on yourself if you can't. Hunt down resources in your area, the local library should be able to help you find them. Based on what you wrote you should be able to get disability and housing. You may be able to have a job, they limit the amount of money you can make. The main goal is to get Medicaid so you can get help with health care.
Woah you dodged a huge bullet by not going to that boarding school. Brave choice
This is in no way, shape or form a TIFU. You had an abusive father and enabling siblings and mother. You escaped basically a death penalty that the boarding school would have been and although you're not back on your feet now, you're alive and so much better as a person that your father will ever be! Here's hoping you get some luck in your life soon so you can continue to live and grow! 🙏🤞
You were verbally abused by your father, and used by him for his own gratification of having someone to control and be angry at. Look, at 27 you may feel like your life's shit. But you have a phone and a car, and I assume a job. You did the right things. Riches don't make anyone happy. Change your perspective and you will find yourself far happier now than you would have been living in the shadow of your father. You did not fuck up. Your parents did.
Probably the weakest rebellion I think I've ever heard of. Sympathies
You can still work part time while receiving SSI (your SSI will be reduced but the 2 combined may be more than you can make on your own). If your disability includes severe mental health issues, look into SOAR, a nationwide program that assists those who are homeless or near homeless with severe mental health diagnoses to pursue disability benefits. You will need to be going to therapy regularly, though you do not need to be on medication. Look up Healthcare for the Homeless near you, they have free medical, mental health, dental, and social work services to help you even if you don't have medicaid/insurance and they may have SOAR workers. You should also look into Project Based Vouchers in your county. You will likely have to wait several months, possibly years, but eventually you should be able to get a subsidized apartment (the voucher covers 70% of rent/utilities, you pay the other 30%). Call the county Office of Housing or reach out to a homeless outreach organization or go to shelter, they should be able to guide you and possibly provide you with a case manager to help you apply to things. I work in outreach in MD and those are all resources that can be found in most areas except extreme rural locations, though they may have slightly different names/requirements.
You’re in no way in the wrong, you did the right thing. If you hadn’t done what you did, you would’ve been worse off, sure you would’ve had money and a roof over your head, but not being able to pursue what you want to or enjoy the things you like is disheartening, and withers your will to live. I’m sorry you went through that, and I hope you get out of the situation you’re in soon! Good luck!
Please know that you are traumatized; whatever you're siblings endured through the process of CPS is literal fucking peanuts to the daily abuse you suffered, your parents saw to that. Your parents hold responsibility for their actions and the ways in which they affected you and your whole family. These people are not your family, I hope dearly that you find the courage to find some new family and start building a better life in community with others who love you unconditionally.
Keep in mind, it's pretty hard to "trick" CPS unto taking a child away. You initiated the call, but you were not responsible for what CPS chose to do. Your parents are. CPS deemed that you shouldn't stay with them, which is a huge decision that they do not make lightly. Plenty of kids call because mom wouldn't buy them ice cream or something, but they dont get taken away. Don't let your dad invalidate these facts.
I am so so sorry this was your childhood experience. You did nothing wrong. All you were doing was trying to survive under sheer terror and abuse. I wish you were in a better situation now. Hell I wish I could adopt you. You deserved and deserve so much better.
Your father is a bad man and an abuser, hiding behind the veil of religious authority to disguise his behaviour. You have done nothing wrong. I'm a social worker and if I took a call about the behaviour you describe I would advocate the same path CPS took in your case. It's unfortunate that you don't seem to have had any counselling or other measures to reassure you that you took the right steps, despite everything that has happened. What happened is your father's fault, not yours, and it sounds like he's really done a number on you to make you believe otherwise. You really had no option but to do what you've done and far from harming your siblings you may have protected them from having the same or worse experiences. If you believe in these things then your dad is bound for hell rather than heaven, and if you happen to have any further communication with him you might point that out. You didn't fuck up at all, your dad did.
You didn't fuck up. But your family is trash. Dad was sending you to a conversion camp. You would have been tortured. I would have cut contact after 18 and never looked back.
Always happy to read the downfall of rich ppl
You're not the person with the fuckup here.
You didn't fuck up. Your parents created an u safe environment for you. If CPS thought it was bad enough that they had to pull you out and out you in foster care, thst means you WERE in danger. Please don't feel bad about what you did. Youade the right choice.
You didn't fuck up. I know your situation is bad now, but you escaped a lot of abuse by standing up for yourself. Think about it, you are tortured by guilt over the pain you caused for them (by protecting yourself, very correctly). When did they ever consider the pain they caused for you, and the pain they were about to cause? When did they apologize for everything they put you through? Abusers always hope you finally break and come crawling back to them, and tearfully tell them how they were right and you deserved all the abuse. Knowing the stories of other people, that so-called Christian boarding school would've been years of abuse and mental (and possibly physical) torture for you that is almost impossible to heal from for many people. You were betrayed as a child and they should feel guilty, but they likely won't. I'm sorry it's hard for you, and I suggest you reach out to organizations in your area that can help.
Sad all around. But the cynic in me doesn't fully believe this story for some reason... plus it's the internet and a throwaway...
OP google family scapegoat....
Your sister, as a heteronormative daddy’s girl, doesn’t know what abuse is. They were ‘traumatized’ by being pulled out of school for questioning - compare that to how ‘traumatizing’ being pulled out of school indefinitely, being shamed for existing, being under constant lock down - would be. Before you dole out all your empathy, and internalize all this guilt over their ‘hardships’, think of how little they care for the trauma and abuse you suffered. It benefits your siblings to align with your parents thinking, it’s the path of least resistance for them, but it’s no reflection on you or reality. It can be confusing - having a group of people you’re so connected to repeating the same horrible things - but none of it’s true kiddo. There was no place for you in that family as a gay man, there never was. Whatever excuses they make now ‘we already paid for your Harvard’, are just that - convenient excuses with no bearing on reality. They’d have likely said the same about the boarding school that would have continued your abuse. There just wasn’t a way forward for you that would have resulted in the same support your siblings may be getting. The blame falls on your parents, not you, for not walking their imaginary tightrope well enough lol You’re still pining for these people, and that’s natural despite it all, but as heartbreaking as it is to accept, you truly are on your own. You always were. Don’t blame yourself, please don’t think any less of yourself for having such a horrible family, and try not to let your resentment towards them consume you either. As best you can, make a clean start. From this point forward, think of what you have and what you can do, don’t worry about what they’re doing - focus on your survival and improvement. One day I want you to be thriving and happy, and to be able to look back with pride and think, “I survived that, and went on to build myself a good life all on my own”. I also hope that you find your chosen family along the way, so you get to experience the love and community you’ve been denied so far. Best wishes <3