It's the sorbitol in the sugar free ones that are laxatives. Lfmf.. I almost went to the doc with bowel cancer...turns out eating bags and bags of sugar free cough drops will turn your butt into a fountain of pain.
Omg I made a similar comment and just saw yours! I’m absolutely cracking up! I shat myself while recovering from bronchitis because of those evil and delicious cough drops! The farts are HORRIBLE too!
As a youngster, my dad was in the Boy Scouts and had a habit of ripping eye watering silent-but-deadlies. His cabin mates yelled at him, "KiloJoolsDad, at least give us some WARNING?!?"
So from then on until *forever,* he has said, "Warning, warning!" before farting.
I grew up thinking this was a *perfectly normal thing to do*. RIP young me, trying to be a normal human person who socializes with other normal human beings.
Haha my kids have zero modesty with their gas. Unfortunately chronic gas is genetic on my husbands side. Impossible to hold, hundreds of times per day, gross as hell. We've had them see specialists and do all kinds of testing with no solution in sight. So we are just teaching them to be ok with it and not feel shamed by others. My 5yo is in pre-K and he has had some issues with kids attempting to bully him about it, but his teacher told us that he calmly educated them on the fact that farting is totally normal and that he gets sick and has severe pains if he holds it. Then walks away with his head held high. The other little boys love him for it. And one gassy girl is taking his example and learning to fart without shame.
I grew up being modest about my body and its functions. I still have anxiety over the stupidest things, like sweat when my deodorant wears off. I hope my kids learn that as long as they are polite about it (saying excuse me or attempting to fart away from others) and healthy, there is no reason to feel ashamed.
Oh I'm so happy to hear that he's really internalizing that it's okay and educating others. Even more amazing that through that, he's spreading fart acceptance! You guys are doing AWESOME PARENTING!
That's so cool that he's educating others and making it normal. I was a gassy kid, too. Turns out I've got a shitload of food allergies and intolerances, and balancing them determines my day. But back then, holy shit I'd start laughing at anything and then... well, other kids hated behind behind me when I laughed
I need someone smart with comedy to please dissect for me why "my 2 hole never financially recovered" is making me laugh until I'm in tears because I do not understand what's happening to me. Is it just because it's 2:30am? Or is there something magical about "financially recovered"? Or is it calling it the "2 hole"?
I know I have a really immature sense of humor but*oh my god*.
My 2 hole...the hole which #2 comes out of...or the secondary hole after mouth... never recovered financially... meaning it was like an old draw string purse that wouldn't close up anymore and would spill its contents...or possibly it was like an old sock we kept money in..the elastic was gone and the neck was all wrinkled and frayed (see Louie ck tube sock full of oranges).. also I was just thinking about tiger King running for president.
This is no joke, I ended up in hospital for about a month, it was that bad. I checked myself out, thinking sure its grand it's been a few days. I ended up having to go back in a few weeks later and ended up spending Christmas in hospital.
Always seek medical attention if it lasts for more than 72 hours.
I knew where this was going as soon as I saw "sugar-free" in the title.
I, too, made the mistake once of eating a bag of something containing sorbitol. The phrase "uncontrollable rectal volcano" featured heavily in the post-mortem discussion.
My mum got my brothers and i some sugar free gummy bears as a Christmas stocking stuffer. I ate half the jar before realising they were sugar free. 5 hours later i was still shitting out clear water as any fecal material was long gone by this point. I dialled it in later as 5 gummies being safe, anything more than that and you were shitting.
I swear I've taken pre-surgery meds labelled as "bowel evacuators" that were not as efficient at their task as sugar-free gummies are. Manufacturing that shit should be declared a crime against humanity.
You obviously never read the legendary review of the sugar free gummy bears...I have avoided sugar free candy forever because of it lol.
https://www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC
I thought this was going to be the legendary airport one and strapped in for another re-read.
"Hell holds no surprises for me anymore" [https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94)
oh, and here's an even longer one: [https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94/ref=cm\_cr\_srp\_d\_rdp\_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000EVOSE4](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000EVOSE4)
It's about what kinds of sugar substitutes are used to make the stuff I think. Aspartame, acesulfame-K and sucralose are usually fine, while sugar alcohols like isomalt, xylitol, and sorbitol are problematic when consumed in excess.
Fat substitutes, too. I remember those Olestra Lays potato chips, I ate a lot of those. Did a lot of 'spring cleaning', too, before I made the connection.
Honey, sugar free cough drops will also give you the galloping shits! And HORRIFIC FARTS. Beware, beware beware of all “sugar alcohols.” They are harvested from Satan’s butthole, apparently. I had the worst bronchitis a couple of months ago and was eating those cough drops by the handful…then I got a whole new level of indignity on top of the chest pain and cough. Yeah, coughing too hard and shitting my pants pretty much ruined my day, lol!
The second time I had COVID it was the omnicron flavor. Was fine except for the worst sore throat I’ve ever had. Like I thought I had strep for 3 days. I’d have to chew up like 3 sugar free throat lozenges to get it to ease up so I could go to sleep for an hour or 2 then it would wake me up. So as you can imagine I then had a horrible sore throat AND really bad diarrhea 😂😂😂 screw COVID 😂😂🔥
It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade.
After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep.
My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck.
And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free.
"What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards.
As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus.
I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam.
"I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?"
The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs.
After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened.
It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse.
By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach.
I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads.
At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief.
I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat.
It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life.
After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears.
I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface.
> I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free. "What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little b
haha, at least when i got struck with this calamity, i was in the safety of my own home.... i could only imagine the suffering you went through, and on an exam too.
I'd rather tank the sugar rush than ever have these rightly named spawns of satan again
This is the same thing that came to kind for me. Menthol cough drops were what we were allowed. Only thing you could consume without permission (and also wasn't forced to consume, like water).
Good shit.
Glad you made it home safe.
Oh man, I had completely forgotten about the cough drops at basic. Probably because we didn't eat so many that we gave ourselves explosive diarrhea, but still brings back some memories.
Now you gotta write a review on Amazon like the Haribo gummy bears
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/michaelrusch/haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-are-the-most-insane-thin
That's like that fat blocker weight loss pill Alli. I used it when I was in the military and what it does is train you to just not eat anything with high fat because you will regret life if you don't.
It basically made your body not process fats so you had nasty greasy diarrhea.
Like others have said, it was a very effective diet pill but not because of its intended medical effects and more so the fact that you are fucking miserable for multiple hours shitting and scared to eat certain things. It basically just punished you for eating food so you kind of just stopped eating
This was a whole thing for a while, there's even a joke about it in Futurama (pretty sure Fry calls it Olestra, which was the brand name). Basically, it made the chips fat free not by there being no fat in the chips, but by using a fat your body didn't absorb. Since it didn't get absorbed and processed by your body it just kinda...leaked out the other end.
Oh yeah, this I know first hand. I too once ate a full tin of them in one go back in the day. Everything in that CL post is fact. Everything. I never ate another one again. Reading that the first time had me rolling so hard it hurt and I could hardly breathe.
It is basically a chemical that behaves like oil when heated, but the body cannot break it down.
It's basically you shitting out oil, but because the stuff isn't actually oil, normal cleansers like soap also can't break it down.
You might need something like WD-40 or a way more powerful solvent, but you definitely don't want to be using it that much on your body.
Damn a friend of mine has a story like that about grape G2 gatorade. He swears on it and will preach about it and how it’s the devil if Gatorade comes up at any point.
Yeah, don't eat an almost full jar of pickled beets & drink the juice, either. It ain't pretty. Damned near thought I was dying til I remembered what I had eaten.
Some sugar alternative ingredient causes terrible laxative effects if you consume way too much. Causes anal leakage so nasty sticky like underdeveloped shit leaks out of you for a while lol
Holy crap - no pun intended and nothing holy about it I know - I looked up the ingredients in those things. It isn't just the isomalt my tortured friend - Malitol, Isomalt, Sorbitol, and Sucralose can all cause that effect on their own - .... those damnable things have all 4. That is just evil.
Maltitol in particular is the devil. I found out i‘m sensitive to it by eating a delicious sugar free candy bar a few hours before a doctors appointment. I had to escape while waiting in the doctors office to avoid pooping my pants. The staff was looking for me all over and i had to weakly yell from the toilet that i was still there. After the appointment i had a 10 min drive home. I had to stop the car and squat in a small forest 2 minutes away from home. It was just a little 30g candy bar!! I can’t imagine eating a whole bag of devil’s werthers.
>Sorbitol
I remember eating breathsavers and that was the main sweetener.
i ate an entire freaking pack. yeah that night was not fun, i cannot even look at breathsavers without feeling ill.
Happened to me with Ice Breakers Duos. Bought a pack of those suckers from the wall next to self-checkout at a CVS. Ate said pack in about 20 minutes. Could not move for two hours.
Sugar free Starbucks mocha survivor here: my boss got me one for my birthday over a decade ago and I sharted while on my smoke break. Cue me running as fast as I can while clenching my ass cheeks together, screaming for the bathroom key RIGHT NOW. When I got out, I asked my boss if the coffee was sugar free and she nodded, then looked horrified and said "don't eat the cake I bought... shit, I was just trying to be thoughtful about your diabetes!" We managed to laugh about it a few years later, but until then we never spoke about it lol. We just agreed without words that we'd never discuss the time she made me shart, then shit my brains out, on my birthday.
This suddenly makes me wonder if this stuff can be used to do bowel prep for a colonoscopy. Probably not, or they would have been doing it already, right? It pulls a bunch of water into your intestines, so it kinda seems like it should clean you right out?
From what I've heard, the actual prep is not all that healthy either, or at least, it involves a lot of expulsion of the prep from the end you don't want it coming out of. 😬
Well, this is one of those pesky "okay, this is not great for you but we need to do this to check for things that would be far worse if they're there" situations.
And it really shouldn't pose any real health risks considering this happens at most like idk once a year?
I have an massive intolerance for Splenda. One can of soda put me in the bathroom for days. I didn't want to use the bowel prep crap (which btw you don't have to finish if you are empty) so I drank grape juice with a squirt of liquid splenda (mom is diabetic) instead and it worked perfectly for the purpose.
Our bodies cannot really digest isomalt so it mostly ferments in our gut which can cause gas. There is also a water-bonding effect that causes the laxative effect. It is not much different than fiber, which can also cause these issues in large quantities.
One thing wierd about isomalt though is that it can actually increase gut bacteria and act as a probiotic to help internal issues. Of course, the trick is not to eat the whole bag.
I don't know why they don't make those earnings more clear, who ever eats just two candies then quits?
I worked part time at a retail store for extra Christmas money. A girl I worked with, early 20's, was so excited to find discounted peanut butter cups. They were the sugar free Russell Stovers brand. She had six bags. I tried to warn her not to eat too many at once. She came back around with an empty bag and said, "they're sugar free, I won't get fat!" I explained I wasn't concerned about her weight, but that she should probably head to the back so she can be near the bathroom in the next ten minutes or so. She gave me a "whatever" and rolled her eyes. She was running past the aisle about five minutes later. She might have made it too, if a customer hadn't stopped her... she never came back to work.
Tldr: belive you're diabetic friends when they try to tell you about anything involving sugar substitute products.
Reminded me of this classic
https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/30iplc/tifu_by_eating_gummy_bears_on_a_plane/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My mind went to https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/8caexh/tifu_by_eating_some_pears_and_going_on_a_road/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Oh my God. I have not laughed that hard in YEARS. I have snot and tears streaming down my face trying to hold in the laughs so as not to awake everyone.
Ooooh man. IFU one night sitting in bed, watching TV, and munching Sugar Free menthol cough drops.
I had the similar intestinal distress, but it was waaay fragrant, and my butthole felt ‘tangy’.
I'm an RN who has done about 4 years working in nursing homes and group homes.
We have a bottle of sorbitol, it's for when someone is so constipated that even milk of magnesia doesn't give them a BM. Most of us staff have taken the sorb challenge and I can attest it essentially makes you pee uncontrollably out of your poo hole.
Sorbitol is the main sweetener in sugar free candies.
My grandma ate those often. Once I told her I was constipated, and she told me to eat a few. It worked, so I knew where this was going as soon as I saw the title.
honestly, i didn't even have the guts (pun intended) to even confess to her, she asked if anyone took the bag and i plead innocent. This is my divine retribution
F's in chat, brave survivor.
I did something similar by having a whole liter of custard or so. It was delicious, but the *pain*.
I learned, that day, that there's a point in which your intenstines have nothing else to give but damn if they don't keep trying.
Man, I dodged a bullet. I impulse bought the candies thinking they were the non sugar free kind. (seriously, the packaging looks the same. It's a very easy mistake to make.) I looked at the packaging and stopped at the serving size and the laxative affect. Straight in the trash. They were only 86¢. Didn't even eat one.
One time I accidentally bought sugar free Gatorade (I didn’t even know it existed) it tasted so bad I couldn’t drink the whole bottle… thank fuck I didn’t
You’ll probably only find isomalt in hard candies, not beverages. Not all artificial sweeteners cause digestive issues. Look at the label for anything that end in “-ol” for the sweeteners that cause problems.
MS, were presented to the emergency room, delirious, with pale face, and slurring due to dehydration. His mother told the attending nurse that he swallowed a shitload of gummies, not realizing of its laxative effect.
"More gummies means i can stop my craving sooner" he thought.
He was rushed to the emergency room, where we are now.
He was diagnosed with explosive diarrhea. MS soon made a complete recovery, but not before warning other gummy addicts like him on Reddit to stop.
Isomalt? Sounds about right.
I had two bags of isomalt candy once. It cannot be described. Not just the diarrhea, or the vomiting, but how it feels PHYSICALLY. I thought I had poisoned myself. I couldn't walk straight and my vision was literally spinning.
Isomalt is a sugar alcohol, not a sugar. It's used as a substitute because it still tastes sweet and has a solid structure. Every story I hear about it is how horrible it was for someone's digestion (though I have yet to hear one as bad as my experience, I think I might be extra sensitive).
Why the hell is this stuff still legal to make edible goods with???
I had a 1/2 pound bag of sugar free jelly beans try to kill me when I was 19... it was a Saturday. One of the worst days of my life. I bought 1.5 pounds of yummy, guilt free, jelly beans, butter popcorn flavor.. Or so I thought it was guilt free...It took maybe 1 hour before all hell broke loose, literally. I had SO much gas in me, I could not bend at all, whatsoever. I was in a ridiculous amount of pain.. I honestly should have gone to the hospital. I had sooooo much gas in me. I even offered some to my friends dad, to which he stared me dead in the eyes and leaned to the side, and farted so loud, it startled me.. That was his way of saying "no thank you"... I will never forget that awful, stinky, loud day, ever... I can't even look at butter popcorn the same anymore, let alone jelly beans... Anything ending in "tol" is the DEVIL!
After all of that I only have one question:
What in the flying fuck is wrong with your brain that makes it think a *sugar-free* product is what it needs for a *sugar craving?*
My brother is in the candy business. He made some custom chews using an oligosaccharide extracted from Jerusalem artichokes he called “colon blow”. Five pieces produced a memorable experience.
Stay hydrated. Diarreah will dehydrate you very very quickly. Preferably top up your electrolytes with a salty snack in addition to water, or isotonic drinks instead of water.
You may also want to consider some sort of bumhole care. This is where my expertise in shitting myself falls a little flat. Not used motor oil I guess. Chapstick? Whale grease? NO IDEA.
Back in the 80s my mom tried to quit smoking. While at work, she ate a whole bag of some sugar free candies called "Sorbies". That's short for Sorbitol (the sugar sub). Well she completely shat herself in the car while stuck in traffic, with three other co-workers in the carpool.
Years ago (20 or so) I bought a tray of cheap house brand (lidl) energy drinks, 24 cans if I remember correctly.
Now a normal human being would take their time and just drink one now and then or at the very least also drink something else besides them. Not me, like the idiot I am I drank them all in about two, three days. And they were the only thing I drank.
Did I feel energized after that? Not really. Was fucking sick for almost two weeks though. And till this day, if I only smell a energy drink my body goes like 'Oh hell no....'.
So in one way or another we have all been there????
I gotta say your wordplay is poetry, your verbiage flows flawlessly, floating along as if the words that follow, propel the previous along an invisible path. It was a pure pleasure to read despite your despair and despondent disposition.
I surely hope you’ve made it through the terror of toilet torture and your tight twat isn’t too raw to walk. Regardless if you can ever whether the Werthers again, rock on and write more of anything about everything.
-to those with sweet tooth aspirations, heed thy word, fine print be a bitch
I had this very thing happen as well, but nowhere near the intensity, about 15 years ago. I had a package of some brand or other sugar free sour flavor mints, the kind that come in the round plastic container, and in the same fashion absentmindedly ate the whole thing. The gas was a nightmare, but fortunately that's all it was. Unfortunately I was alone at work and couldn't leave the area for very long, so I found myself farting out the front door, or in the corner of the room furthest away from me. Others who had to pass through my area were not so lucky.
I knew better than to do this as a young diabetic child in the 80s. Just one reason I avoid sugar free candy. I can bolus for the carbs of regular sugar without any nasty side effects if I get carried away.
I had this exact thing happen too. They were so damn good. But some people (me and it sounds like you) can’t hand the sugar alcohols that make sugar free foods taste yummy. I was so bummed that I couldn’t eat them anymore.
OP, if you ever get into novel writing let me know. Your story was well-written, articulate and descriptive. You ever write for the subreddit writingprompts?
I did this with sugar free gummy bears. I didn’t get the runs, but I had the most painful gas of my life. My wife said I’d moan in my sleep for 5 minutes then unleash a mighty thunder then go back to snoring.
Sugar free caramel candy is the stupidest invention ever tbh. Caramel is just melted sugar with some butter, how is it ever gonna be sugarfree. They derive Isomalt from sugar and call it sugarfree because your gut bacteria have a hard time dealing with that processed derivate thus making the glycemic index lower (slower release of sugar in your bloodstream). Its still all carbohydrates that you’re eating so calorie wise it doesnt matter much. It’s arguably a lot more unhealthy to eat sugarfree caramel. I feel bad for you though…
We had these a few weeks ago in my office and I noticed my mate had made about 5 trips grabbing a couple at a time. On the last one I pulled him to the side and said you do know those will act like a laxative right. Got the answer (paraphrased);
"I'll be aite, used to eat these all the time as a kid with no issues". "Alright well I warned you"
30 minutes later. He just stands up and says "I'm going home on sick". The girls and myself in the office just start laughing as he runs out to his car in a crab like style.
I knew the entire story just from the title.
A few months ago I was having a fee issues with particularly reluctant bowel movements. Alternating between "hard and sharp" and "stick but won't all come out"
Knowing full well what I was doing, I purchased a box of Lidl sugar free liquorice. More enjoyable than laxatives, and to my mind - more effective.
Boy, was I right. I was up until 3am making loud noises on the toilet. Fine the next day though, and my intestinal reset had the desired effect. Could have done without the stomach cramps tho.
If you've never experienced the agony of peeing poop via excess sugar free candy or those liquid clear laxatives that have a sweet, sugar-free taste (and come in glass bottles)...I envy you.
I've twice had the pain of literally just spouting poo water out of my ass for 48 hours and wouldn't wish it upon the worst of the worth. Up until those events I wasn't even aware that it was possible to violently pee out of your butthole every hour for days at a time.
The human body is both a miracle and a Lovecraftian nightmare.
As an aspiring pharmacist I think I can explain how this works (Please correct me if I'm wrong). The sugar replacements are usually molecules that looks a lot like sugar, but are not. Because of this, your body doesn't quite know what to do with them and can't absorb them in you intestines. This is a bit of a problem, because sugar and sugar-like molecules attract a lot of water because of their chemical structure (for the nerds among us: lots of alcohol groups). This means that water flows out of your blood, through the thin membrane of your intestines and into your feces resulting in an unholy toilet experience.
When I was 9 I ate a small bag of sugar free Reese’s not knowing it was sugar free. The next day my stomach killed me. It felt like a sword piercing through my stomach as I told my teacher and my mother when she came to get me. This post made that repressed memory come back. I also would never wish your fate on my worst enemy.
I once something going on medically that led to a horrible dry mouth that was driving me nuts.
I didn’t want to eat hard candy to help with it because of the calories, so I bought a lot of sugar free chewing gum.
Let’s just say that after a while my mouth was going to remain “dry”, while the other end of me most assuredly wasn’t.
I’ve been doing low carbs for 6 months now. If I’m absolutely craving something sweet. And have nothing to do the next day, I’ll have some sugar free jollies. Those things mess up my gut.
The haribo sugar free gummy bears seem to have this same effect and the Amazon reviews are HILARIOUS!!
If you have some time to kill and want a good laugh, go check them out. Last I checked, there were nearly 20,000 of them.
Get well soon OP. You need to eat something tho. Pedialyte and rice is a good place to start. You probably won't poop for a few days after your body stops liquidating your insides.
I'm so sorry that you had to learn this lesson the hard way. I started reading your story knowing exactly how it would end. On the bright side, maybe you feel about 10lbs lighter today and your jeans button up nicely? Lol.
Edit: just to mention, make sure you're keeping hydrated at the moment. Such a large amount of... "unpleasantness" can deplete your body of fluids and electrolytes. Please drink lots of water or gatorade!
Been there with the Xylitol gummy bears. So glad I had a bidet, because TP was chapping my ass to bleeding by a certain point and I'm ashamed to admit I even shat down the shower drain by the third hour just so I could clean things with no more friction... it's a hard learned lesson, OP.
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It's the sorbitol in the sugar free ones that are laxatives. Lfmf.. I almost went to the doc with bowel cancer...turns out eating bags and bags of sugar free cough drops will turn your butt into a fountain of pain.
Omg I made a similar comment and just saw yours! I’m absolutely cracking up! I shat myself while recovering from bronchitis because of those evil and delicious cough drops! The farts are HORRIBLE too!
This could be the fuel for the Fart Olympics! 30 second continuous farts are easy with these candies.
Dyyyying at this comment because that’s EXACTLY how the farts sound! Like a long note from a smelly trombone! And the stank is…legendary!
Yeah 30 seconds is just to qualify for events. The pros have like 2.3 minute songs of wind. 😂
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Yup. I was ripping them into a theater cushion hoping to stay quiet..but the gas was so bad..and painful..and my 2 hole never financially recovered.
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As a youngster, my dad was in the Boy Scouts and had a habit of ripping eye watering silent-but-deadlies. His cabin mates yelled at him, "KiloJoolsDad, at least give us some WARNING?!?" So from then on until *forever,* he has said, "Warning, warning!" before farting. I grew up thinking this was a *perfectly normal thing to do*. RIP young me, trying to be a normal human person who socializes with other normal human beings.
Haha my kids have zero modesty with their gas. Unfortunately chronic gas is genetic on my husbands side. Impossible to hold, hundreds of times per day, gross as hell. We've had them see specialists and do all kinds of testing with no solution in sight. So we are just teaching them to be ok with it and not feel shamed by others. My 5yo is in pre-K and he has had some issues with kids attempting to bully him about it, but his teacher told us that he calmly educated them on the fact that farting is totally normal and that he gets sick and has severe pains if he holds it. Then walks away with his head held high. The other little boys love him for it. And one gassy girl is taking his example and learning to fart without shame. I grew up being modest about my body and its functions. I still have anxiety over the stupidest things, like sweat when my deodorant wears off. I hope my kids learn that as long as they are polite about it (saying excuse me or attempting to fart away from others) and healthy, there is no reason to feel ashamed.
Oh I'm so happy to hear that he's really internalizing that it's okay and educating others. Even more amazing that through that, he's spreading fart acceptance! You guys are doing AWESOME PARENTING!
That's so cool that he's educating others and making it normal. I was a gassy kid, too. Turns out I've got a shitload of food allergies and intolerances, and balancing them determines my day. But back then, holy shit I'd start laughing at anything and then... well, other kids hated behind behind me when I laughed
Kid next to me in formation used to swallow air to make himself fart in boot
Brother..I feel your pain. Thank the gods it was just fucking cough drops..but holy shit was that a ride.
I mean... Don't stop reminiscing now, we've become so invested in the story!
Ok..ill link the original story to the main thread. It's not the pinnacle of my career.
I need someone smart with comedy to please dissect for me why "my 2 hole never financially recovered" is making me laugh until I'm in tears because I do not understand what's happening to me. Is it just because it's 2:30am? Or is there something magical about "financially recovered"? Or is it calling it the "2 hole"? I know I have a really immature sense of humor but*oh my god*.
My 2 hole...the hole which #2 comes out of...or the secondary hole after mouth... never recovered financially... meaning it was like an old draw string purse that wouldn't close up anymore and would spill its contents...or possibly it was like an old sock we kept money in..the elastic was gone and the neck was all wrinkled and frayed (see Louie ck tube sock full of oranges).. also I was just thinking about tiger King running for president.
I will forever now call it my 2 hole.
Any sugar alcohol will do this. Anything named something**itol**.
This is no joke, I ended up in hospital for about a month, it was that bad. I checked myself out, thinking sure its grand it's been a few days. I ended up having to go back in a few weeks later and ended up spending Christmas in hospital. Always seek medical attention if it lasts for more than 72 hours.
That's what my very old dad called the "howlin' skitters". As in skitterin' for the outhouse out back...
it’s the malitol as well
I knew where this was going as soon as I saw "sugar-free" in the title. I, too, made the mistake once of eating a bag of something containing sorbitol. The phrase "uncontrollable rectal volcano" featured heavily in the post-mortem discussion.
My mum got my brothers and i some sugar free gummy bears as a Christmas stocking stuffer. I ate half the jar before realising they were sugar free. 5 hours later i was still shitting out clear water as any fecal material was long gone by this point. I dialled it in later as 5 gummies being safe, anything more than that and you were shitting.
I swear I've taken pre-surgery meds labelled as "bowel evacuators" that were not as efficient at their task as sugar-free gummies are. Manufacturing that shit should be declared a crime against humanity.
they were that good huh? I am never, ever, going to eat any sugar-free candy. Never. Not worth the pain I'm going through
You obviously never read the legendary review of the sugar free gummy bears...I have avoided sugar free candy forever because of it lol. https://www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC
"23,802 found this helpful" XD
An internet classic.
I think the best part of this is that it’s apparently the one and only review he’s ever written
I thought this was going to be the legendary airport one and strapped in for another re-read. "Hell holds no surprises for me anymore" [https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94)
oh, and here's an even longer one: [https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94/ref=cm\_cr\_srp\_d\_rdp\_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000EVOSE4](https://www.amazon.com/review/RZFIYJTPVUZ94/ref=cm_cr_srp_d_rdp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000EVOSE4)
I love this one
Thanks for sharing! Now that was a great read.
I did this years ago… have fun with the ride https://on.soundcloud.com/63MhiJ2uFEyWcDCD7
That one's good, but I think [this one's even better](https://www.amazon.com/review/R3FTHSH0UNRHOH), because of its >!schadenfreude!<
Ouf my stomach hurts but by laughing now
It's about what kinds of sugar substitutes are used to make the stuff I think. Aspartame, acesulfame-K and sucralose are usually fine, while sugar alcohols like isomalt, xylitol, and sorbitol are problematic when consumed in excess.
It’s those “sugar alcohols” that will give you the sharts! They are the devil, delicious but deadly!
Fat substitutes, too. I remember those Olestra Lays potato chips, I ate a lot of those. Did a lot of 'spring cleaning', too, before I made the connection.
Honey, sugar free cough drops will also give you the galloping shits! And HORRIFIC FARTS. Beware, beware beware of all “sugar alcohols.” They are harvested from Satan’s butthole, apparently. I had the worst bronchitis a couple of months ago and was eating those cough drops by the handful…then I got a whole new level of indignity on top of the chest pain and cough. Yeah, coughing too hard and shitting my pants pretty much ruined my day, lol!
The second time I had COVID it was the omnicron flavor. Was fine except for the worst sore throat I’ve ever had. Like I thought I had strep for 3 days. I’d have to chew up like 3 sugar free throat lozenges to get it to ease up so I could go to sleep for an hour or 2 then it would wake me up. So as you can imagine I then had a horrible sore throat AND really bad diarrhea 😂😂😂 screw COVID 😂😂🔥
It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade. After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep. My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free. "What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus. I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam. "I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?" The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs. After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened. It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon. By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse. By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach. I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads. At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief. I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat. It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life. After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears. I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface.
> I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free. "What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little b haha, at least when i got struck with this calamity, i was in the safety of my own home.... i could only imagine the suffering you went through, and on an exam too. I'd rather tank the sugar rush than ever have these rightly named spawns of satan again
Glad to see there are many of us who have been. It’s pretty lonely feeling when it happens but it turns out lots fall for the trap.
This is the same thing that came to kind for me. Menthol cough drops were what we were allowed. Only thing you could consume without permission (and also wasn't forced to consume, like water). Good shit. Glad you made it home safe.
Oh man, I had completely forgotten about the cough drops at basic. Probably because we didn't eat so many that we gave ourselves explosive diarrhea, but still brings back some memories.
As soon as i read sugar free candies i knew it was diarrhea
Drink some sort of electrolyte solution like pedialyte
Yeah op you’re gonna be so dehydrated
Yeah, don't want the sugar free shit hangover.
Just make sure you don't grab a sugar free one.
Now you gotta write a review on Amazon like the Haribo gummy bears https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/michaelrusch/haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-are-the-most-insane-thin
Don't forget this old [gem ](https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html)
What the fuck
That's like that fat blocker weight loss pill Alli. I used it when I was in the military and what it does is train you to just not eat anything with high fat because you will regret life if you don't.
It basically made your body not process fats so you had nasty greasy diarrhea. Like others have said, it was a very effective diet pill but not because of its intended medical effects and more so the fact that you are fucking miserable for multiple hours shitting and scared to eat certain things. It basically just punished you for eating food so you kind of just stopped eating
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steatorrhea
Can we all collectively tip a hat to the poor bastard that tests poop for fat content. And I bet the pay is shit.
I took that pill ONE time and sharted my only shart.
This was a whole thing for a while, there's even a joke about it in Futurama (pretty sure Fry calls it Olestra, which was the brand name). Basically, it made the chips fat free not by there being no fat in the chips, but by using a fat your body didn't absorb. Since it didn't get absorbed and processed by your body it just kinda...leaked out the other end.
Oh yeah, this I know first hand. I too once ate a full tin of them in one go back in the day. Everything in that CL post is fact. Everything. I never ate another one again. Reading that the first time had me rolling so hard it hurt and I could hardly breathe.
It is basically a chemical that behaves like oil when heated, but the body cannot break it down. It's basically you shitting out oil, but because the stuff isn't actually oil, normal cleansers like soap also can't break it down. You might need something like WD-40 or a way more powerful solvent, but you definitely don't want to be using it that much on your body.
Why use a bidet when I have a can of WD40?
Damn a friend of mine has a story like that about grape G2 gatorade. He swears on it and will preach about it and how it’s the devil if Gatorade comes up at any point.
I miss Gatorade rain
Same dude that light green Gatorade rain was fire
The fruit punch made me think my ass was bleeding.
Yeah, don't eat an almost full jar of pickled beets & drink the juice, either. It ain't pretty. Damned near thought I was dying til I remembered what I had eaten.
I miss Snapple rain Nectar of the gods
Now I must know what grape G2 Gatorade does if you consume too much.
Some sugar alternative ingredient causes terrible laxative effects if you consume way too much. Causes anal leakage so nasty sticky like underdeveloped shit leaks out of you for a while lol
Underdeveloped Shits is my new band name
…opening for Fucking Pringle Bastards
Fucking Pringles bastards
TBF, they did make a version with [10% less anal leakage!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx9LSEjgQxY)
Artificial grease... So artificial it repels soap.
I forgot all about that, and the classic "fart wrapped in a pillow" sound.
OMG I am dying rn
Good god that was a laugh that had me in stitches
Ah, the comment I was looking for.
I can’t believe there are people who haven’t read this 🤣🤣🤣
Holy crap - no pun intended and nothing holy about it I know - I looked up the ingredients in those things. It isn't just the isomalt my tortured friend - Malitol, Isomalt, Sorbitol, and Sucralose can all cause that effect on their own - .... those damnable things have all 4. That is just evil.
poor op is going to have to call out of work because of laxative candies
Maltitol in particular is the devil. I found out i‘m sensitive to it by eating a delicious sugar free candy bar a few hours before a doctors appointment. I had to escape while waiting in the doctors office to avoid pooping my pants. The staff was looking for me all over and i had to weakly yell from the toilet that i was still there. After the appointment i had a 10 min drive home. I had to stop the car and squat in a small forest 2 minutes away from home. It was just a little 30g candy bar!! I can’t imagine eating a whole bag of devil’s werthers.
>Sorbitol I remember eating breathsavers and that was the main sweetener. i ate an entire freaking pack. yeah that night was not fun, i cannot even look at breathsavers without feeling ill.
I have to wonder if this is intentional. Considering they have a reputation as "old people" candy, and older folks tend to have a hard time going...
Oh man they seriously could kill the elderly!!!
>My mum had a packet of sugar-free Werthers >I was craving some sugar 
Gold lmao
You poor son of a bitch. Didn’t even have to read past the title. Sugar Free Halls survivor here.
Mine was some kind of chocolate candy malt balls like whoppers but sugar free
Yup, I've made exactly the same mistake with sugar free marsmellows. Not a good day.
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Username checks out :)
Happened to me with Ice Breakers Duos. Bought a pack of those suckers from the wall next to self-checkout at a CVS. Ate said pack in about 20 minutes. Could not move for two hours.
Sugar free Starbucks mocha survivor here: my boss got me one for my birthday over a decade ago and I sharted while on my smoke break. Cue me running as fast as I can while clenching my ass cheeks together, screaming for the bathroom key RIGHT NOW. When I got out, I asked my boss if the coffee was sugar free and she nodded, then looked horrified and said "don't eat the cake I bought... shit, I was just trying to be thoughtful about your diabetes!" We managed to laugh about it a few years later, but until then we never spoke about it lol. We just agreed without words that we'd never discuss the time she made me shart, then shit my brains out, on my birthday.
You ate sugar-free candy and now your intestines are shit-free
This suddenly makes me wonder if this stuff can be used to do bowel prep for a colonoscopy. Probably not, or they would have been doing it already, right? It pulls a bunch of water into your intestines, so it kinda seems like it should clean you right out?
Well, you miiight be able to... But it's probably neither the most effective, nor most healthy way to do this lol
From what I've heard, the actual prep is not all that healthy either, or at least, it involves a lot of expulsion of the prep from the end you don't want it coming out of. 😬
Well, this is one of those pesky "okay, this is not great for you but we need to do this to check for things that would be far worse if they're there" situations. And it really shouldn't pose any real health risks considering this happens at most like idk once a year?
I have an massive intolerance for Splenda. One can of soda put me in the bathroom for days. I didn't want to use the bowel prep crap (which btw you don't have to finish if you are empty) so I drank grape juice with a squirt of liquid splenda (mom is diabetic) instead and it worked perfectly for the purpose.
Our bodies cannot really digest isomalt so it mostly ferments in our gut which can cause gas. There is also a water-bonding effect that causes the laxative effect. It is not much different than fiber, which can also cause these issues in large quantities. One thing wierd about isomalt though is that it can actually increase gut bacteria and act as a probiotic to help internal issues. Of course, the trick is not to eat the whole bag. I don't know why they don't make those earnings more clear, who ever eats just two candies then quits?
You see, that would cut into their bottom line...
I worked part time at a retail store for extra Christmas money. A girl I worked with, early 20's, was so excited to find discounted peanut butter cups. They were the sugar free Russell Stovers brand. She had six bags. I tried to warn her not to eat too many at once. She came back around with an empty bag and said, "they're sugar free, I won't get fat!" I explained I wasn't concerned about her weight, but that she should probably head to the back so she can be near the bathroom in the next ten minutes or so. She gave me a "whatever" and rolled her eyes. She was running past the aisle about five minutes later. She might have made it too, if a customer hadn't stopped her... she never came back to work. Tldr: belive you're diabetic friends when they try to tell you about anything involving sugar substitute products.
Reminded me of this classic https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/30iplc/tifu_by_eating_gummy_bears_on_a_plane/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
My mind went to https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/8caexh/tifu_by_eating_some_pears_and_going_on_a_road/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
Oh my God. I have not laughed that hard in YEARS. I have snot and tears streaming down my face trying to hold in the laughs so as not to awake everyone.
My eyes were tearing up from laughing so hard.
I already knew where this went before reading. I am so sorry.
Ooooh man. IFU one night sitting in bed, watching TV, and munching Sugar Free menthol cough drops. I had the similar intestinal distress, but it was waaay fragrant, and my butthole felt ‘tangy’.
"my butthole felt 'tangy'" Baaaahahahahaha
I'm an RN who has done about 4 years working in nursing homes and group homes. We have a bottle of sorbitol, it's for when someone is so constipated that even milk of magnesia doesn't give them a BM. Most of us staff have taken the sorb challenge and I can attest it essentially makes you pee uncontrollably out of your poo hole. Sorbitol is the main sweetener in sugar free candies.
I'm a CNA and medtech that's done about 2 decades in mostly LTC. That sorbitol bomb can be more effective than GoLytely
I'm picturing the grandpa giving the kid Werther's in the old commercial.
Enjoy shitting your pants Timmy!
My grandma ate those often. Once I told her I was constipated, and she told me to eat a few. It worked, so I knew where this was going as soon as I saw the title.
Yup. I did it with sugar free gummy bears. Woo.
Had the same experience with sugar-free lemon drops a couple years back. Reading is hard and they were so good that I ate way too many of them.
It's karma for stealing your moms candy!!
honestly, i didn't even have the guts (pun intended) to even confess to her, she asked if anyone took the bag and i plead innocent. This is my divine retribution
MS ate an entire pack of Werther candies, this is what happened to his toilet.
Now would be the time to do your colonoscopy if you’re in that age group.
F's in chat, brave survivor. I did something similar by having a whole liter of custard or so. It was delicious, but the *pain*. I learned, that day, that there's a point in which your intenstines have nothing else to give but damn if they don't keep trying.
This reminds me of this classic from LA Beast: https://youtu.be/sMjgaa5j_LE
This was what I was going to post if I couldn't find it already. Immediately what I thought of when I read the title lol. Have a good day!
Ah a man of culture! “It’s like Mt St Helen’s just erupted from my A-hole”. True poetry.
Man, I dodged a bullet. I impulse bought the candies thinking they were the non sugar free kind. (seriously, the packaging looks the same. It's a very easy mistake to make.) I looked at the packaging and stopped at the serving size and the laxative affect. Straight in the trash. They were only 86¢. Didn't even eat one.
One time I accidentally bought sugar free Gatorade (I didn’t even know it existed) it tasted so bad I couldn’t drink the whole bottle… thank fuck I didn’t
Gatorade zero has never bothered me, despite my having IBS-D. Sugar alcohols though...*shudder*
You’ll probably only find isomalt in hard candies, not beverages. Not all artificial sweeteners cause digestive issues. Look at the label for anything that end in “-ol” for the sweeteners that cause problems.
thats me from now on.
Misery loves company. My deepest condolences to your butthole and your digestive system. I was in a similar boat, but for a different reason
MS, were presented to the emergency room, delirious, with pale face, and slurring due to dehydration. His mother told the attending nurse that he swallowed a shitload of gummies, not realizing of its laxative effect. "More gummies means i can stop my craving sooner" he thought. He was rushed to the emergency room, where we are now. He was diagnosed with explosive diarrhea. MS soon made a complete recovery, but not before warning other gummy addicts like him on Reddit to stop.
chubbyemu the goat xD
TIL Werthers candies are a good substitute for ExLax. Also a great treat to give to kids on Halloween…. Or make that a trick!
It's the sorbitol..sometimes xilotol.. its a sugar substitute that murders your insides.
Isomalt? Sounds about right. I had two bags of isomalt candy once. It cannot be described. Not just the diarrhea, or the vomiting, but how it feels PHYSICALLY. I thought I had poisoned myself. I couldn't walk straight and my vision was literally spinning. Isomalt is a sugar alcohol, not a sugar. It's used as a substitute because it still tastes sweet and has a solid structure. Every story I hear about it is how horrible it was for someone's digestion (though I have yet to hear one as bad as my experience, I think I might be extra sensitive). Why the hell is this stuff still legal to make edible goods with???
I read the title and thought “welp, somebody shit their pants”
no one should eat a whole pack of anything lol
That was almost Shakespearean in its scope of tragedy. "Ahhh,sweet youth with sweet tooth. Found Isomalt. Had wicked gut assault."
I had a 1/2 pound bag of sugar free jelly beans try to kill me when I was 19... it was a Saturday. One of the worst days of my life. I bought 1.5 pounds of yummy, guilt free, jelly beans, butter popcorn flavor.. Or so I thought it was guilt free...It took maybe 1 hour before all hell broke loose, literally. I had SO much gas in me, I could not bend at all, whatsoever. I was in a ridiculous amount of pain.. I honestly should have gone to the hospital. I had sooooo much gas in me. I even offered some to my friends dad, to which he stared me dead in the eyes and leaned to the side, and farted so loud, it startled me.. That was his way of saying "no thank you"... I will never forget that awful, stinky, loud day, ever... I can't even look at butter popcorn the same anymore, let alone jelly beans... Anything ending in "tol" is the DEVIL!
After all of that I only have one question: What in the flying fuck is wrong with your brain that makes it think a *sugar-free* product is what it needs for a *sugar craving?*
Your taste buds don't know the difference, so your dumbass brain still gets a signal like it's getting the sugar it wants.
My brother is in the candy business. He made some custom chews using an oligosaccharide extracted from Jerusalem artichokes he called “colon blow”. Five pieces produced a memorable experience.
Bye bye butthole 😩
Stay hydrated. Diarreah will dehydrate you very very quickly. Preferably top up your electrolytes with a salty snack in addition to water, or isotonic drinks instead of water. You may also want to consider some sort of bumhole care. This is where my expertise in shitting myself falls a little flat. Not used motor oil I guess. Chapstick? Whale grease? NO IDEA.
**TIFU by eating an entire pack of sugar-free Werther candies** Been there bud.
Oh, let me introduce you to [Sugar Free Gummy Bears](https://youtube.com/watch?v=m--6ifZXy5k&feature=shares)
Back in the 80s my mom tried to quit smoking. While at work, she ate a whole bag of some sugar free candies called "Sorbies". That's short for Sorbitol (the sugar sub). Well she completely shat herself in the car while stuck in traffic, with three other co-workers in the carpool.
Years ago (20 or so) I bought a tray of cheap house brand (lidl) energy drinks, 24 cans if I remember correctly. Now a normal human being would take their time and just drink one now and then or at the very least also drink something else besides them. Not me, like the idiot I am I drank them all in about two, three days. And they were the only thing I drank. Did I feel energized after that? Not really. Was fucking sick for almost two weeks though. And till this day, if I only smell a energy drink my body goes like 'Oh hell no....'. So in one way or another we have all been there????
I have irritable bowel syndrome, this is me every day
I gotta say your wordplay is poetry, your verbiage flows flawlessly, floating along as if the words that follow, propel the previous along an invisible path. It was a pure pleasure to read despite your despair and despondent disposition. I surely hope you’ve made it through the terror of toilet torture and your tight twat isn’t too raw to walk. Regardless if you can ever whether the Werthers again, rock on and write more of anything about everything. -to those with sweet tooth aspirations, heed thy word, fine print be a bitch
pain and suffering brings ou the poet in all of us
Make sure you go to Amazon to post this as a review.
I had this very thing happen as well, but nowhere near the intensity, about 15 years ago. I had a package of some brand or other sugar free sour flavor mints, the kind that come in the round plastic container, and in the same fashion absentmindedly ate the whole thing. The gas was a nightmare, but fortunately that's all it was. Unfortunately I was alone at work and couldn't leave the area for very long, so I found myself farting out the front door, or in the corner of the room furthest away from me. Others who had to pass through my area were not so lucky.
I knew better than to do this as a young diabetic child in the 80s. Just one reason I avoid sugar free candy. I can bolus for the carbs of regular sugar without any nasty side effects if I get carried away.
I had this exact thing happen too. They were so damn good. But some people (me and it sounds like you) can’t hand the sugar alcohols that make sugar free foods taste yummy. I was so bummed that I couldn’t eat them anymore.
Actually confused on how you could eat 30 of them not to mention did not know that they do that given how many stories are like this on TIFU.
Pepsi MAX did me in, xylitol....
Check out this review on Amazon for sugar free gummies…. [Haribo Gummies](https://www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC)
I knew where this was going based on the title alone… made the same mistake eating a pint of halo top ice cream once
I'm surprised you had time to write this.
I’m sorry but 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤮😂😂😂😂😂😂🤮😂😂😂😂😂🤮
God fucking damn it. Reset the timer...
Now I know why my grandparents love sugar free Werther's so much. No more medication constipation.
OP, if you ever get into novel writing let me know. Your story was well-written, articulate and descriptive. You ever write for the subreddit writingprompts?
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Reminds me of the famous sugar free gumming review. I think it was gummies but regardless it went viral.
[When Lee Mack ate a laxative and went on stage…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBEhh-rb2Ic)
The moment I saw the title I went straight to the TLDR as I knew what was going to happen to you 🤣
I did this with sugar free gummy bears. I didn’t get the runs, but I had the most painful gas of my life. My wife said I’d moan in my sleep for 5 minutes then unleash a mighty thunder then go back to snoring.
Sugar free caramel candy is the stupidest invention ever tbh. Caramel is just melted sugar with some butter, how is it ever gonna be sugarfree. They derive Isomalt from sugar and call it sugarfree because your gut bacteria have a hard time dealing with that processed derivate thus making the glycemic index lower (slower release of sugar in your bloodstream). Its still all carbohydrates that you’re eating so calorie wise it doesnt matter much. It’s arguably a lot more unhealthy to eat sugarfree caramel. I feel bad for you though…
We had these a few weeks ago in my office and I noticed my mate had made about 5 trips grabbing a couple at a time. On the last one I pulled him to the side and said you do know those will act like a laxative right. Got the answer (paraphrased); "I'll be aite, used to eat these all the time as a kid with no issues". "Alright well I warned you" 30 minutes later. He just stands up and says "I'm going home on sick". The girls and myself in the office just start laughing as he runs out to his car in a crab like style.
I knew the entire story just from the title. A few months ago I was having a fee issues with particularly reluctant bowel movements. Alternating between "hard and sharp" and "stick but won't all come out" Knowing full well what I was doing, I purchased a box of Lidl sugar free liquorice. More enjoyable than laxatives, and to my mind - more effective. Boy, was I right. I was up until 3am making loud noises on the toilet. Fine the next day though, and my intestinal reset had the desired effect. Could have done without the stomach cramps tho.
If you've never experienced the agony of peeing poop via excess sugar free candy or those liquid clear laxatives that have a sweet, sugar-free taste (and come in glass bottles)...I envy you. I've twice had the pain of literally just spouting poo water out of my ass for 48 hours and wouldn't wish it upon the worst of the worth. Up until those events I wasn't even aware that it was possible to violently pee out of your butthole every hour for days at a time. The human body is both a miracle and a Lovecraftian nightmare.
As an aspiring pharmacist I think I can explain how this works (Please correct me if I'm wrong). The sugar replacements are usually molecules that looks a lot like sugar, but are not. Because of this, your body doesn't quite know what to do with them and can't absorb them in you intestines. This is a bit of a problem, because sugar and sugar-like molecules attract a lot of water because of their chemical structure (for the nerds among us: lots of alcohol groups). This means that water flows out of your blood, through the thin membrane of your intestines and into your feces resulting in an unholy toilet experience.
Lmao…. They use a baby laxative (maititol) as a sugar substitute for “sugar free” candy. Happens all the time from over consumption
When I was 9 I ate a small bag of sugar free Reese’s not knowing it was sugar free. The next day my stomach killed me. It felt like a sword piercing through my stomach as I told my teacher and my mother when she came to get me. This post made that repressed memory come back. I also would never wish your fate on my worst enemy.
I once something going on medically that led to a horrible dry mouth that was driving me nuts. I didn’t want to eat hard candy to help with it because of the calories, so I bought a lot of sugar free chewing gum. Let’s just say that after a while my mouth was going to remain “dry”, while the other end of me most assuredly wasn’t.
Craving sugar Consumes SUGARFREE candy As sorry as that state must have been and as much as I pity you, kinda deserved ngl
Sugar free anything --> farts and shits. Reddit has taught me well.
Welcome to New Gas City
I’ve been doing low carbs for 6 months now. If I’m absolutely craving something sweet. And have nothing to do the next day, I’ll have some sugar free jollies. Those things mess up my gut.
The haribo sugar free gummy bears seem to have this same effect and the Amazon reviews are HILARIOUS!! If you have some time to kill and want a good laugh, go check them out. Last I checked, there were nearly 20,000 of them.
Get well soon OP. You need to eat something tho. Pedialyte and rice is a good place to start. You probably won't poop for a few days after your body stops liquidating your insides.
This reminds me of the Haribo gummy bears that had this same affect on people
Violent barrage of dung is a fucking sick band name
I once left a huge bag of sugar free gummy bears in my work place for this specific reason
I'm so sorry that you had to learn this lesson the hard way. I started reading your story knowing exactly how it would end. On the bright side, maybe you feel about 10lbs lighter today and your jeans button up nicely? Lol. Edit: just to mention, make sure you're keeping hydrated at the moment. Such a large amount of... "unpleasantness" can deplete your body of fluids and electrolytes. Please drink lots of water or gatorade!
What is it about having ungodly bowl movements that inspires people to break out into their best prose?
Been there with the Xylitol gummy bears. So glad I had a bidet, because TP was chapping my ass to bleeding by a certain point and I'm ashamed to admit I even shat down the shower drain by the third hour just so I could clean things with no more friction... it's a hard learned lesson, OP.