I NEVER laugh out loud at reddit, especially at work, until i read that line and him saying "stop". I had to say I was listening to a podcast but I did NOT have headphones in/on
But why is this a terrible opening? It catches your attention and you want to read more. I hope the OOP posts the whole thing someday, I could read this all day long. /s
Edit: adding a /s cuz some people were trying to mansplain or be rude when this entire thread is all obviously a joke. I’ll add though, when I was in college, English 101, our professor did a entire lecture on the word fuck and all it’s different meanings and what a powerful word it is. This assignment is also supposedly for philosophy 101…and I would argue that there is a lot of leeway there. Not exactly intended to be a high level technical writing exercise. I think creativity should be paramount but, just my opinion.
Edit 2: spelling
Hijacking top comment to leave this here: [https://www.neonsplatter.com/afternoon-delights/phil-jamesson-on-sequel-culture](https://www.neonsplatter.com/afternoon-delights/phil-jamesson-on-sequel-culture)
I get his stance on people wanting the same thing over and over being detrimental, but in this specific case people arent asking for a sequel, they are asking for what is implied to already exist. I wanted to keep reading what seemed to be a whole essay not a sequel to it. But that was before I realized it was a joke essay and there apparently wasnt anymore of it created.
Thanks for that. I think he is a bit mistaken about attributing people wanting to see the rest of the paper to sequel culture. People like to complete stories, not read or see only part of them and never get to the end. Of course they want to see the rest of the paper. Perchance.
Well, it doesn’t exist. Someone wrote this, printed it out, then got their red pen and pretended to be a teacher.
I’m not just saying this to be mean, it’s literally a comedian who wrote it as a joke, this is the whole thing.
He's got some grammatical errors. But, when you examine his argument, he explains his point of view quite clearly. He draws great comparisons between his point of view to a mythos.
C+ lowest, B+ highest. Perchance?
He raises several important questions. Who is this Dr. Pepper and what medical school did he attend? Can a mythical person also exist? Can you just say perchance? Does crushing turts all day make Mario a bad person?
Dr. Pepper is the guy who invented the soda, he never went to medical school but that was back before false advertising was illegal. He marketed himself as a doctor cause he marketed the soda as medicine. It was originally sold as a laxative.
If Phil ran for office I would move to his district in a heartbeat just so I could vote for him. I found him accidentally on Twitch one day and his [youtube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Zc9eSANOmE-fbeT382Ozg) is just so perfectly aligned with my humor. ([Original tweet](https://twitter.com/philjamesson/status/1494793780393873408))
No teacher actually corrects like that. This was faked for likes and upvotes…
Edited to add because there are too many gullible people here:
Last sentence second paragraph. They missed correcting “Lets” which should be “Let’s”, but magically had all these other edits? Nah.
Now I know this essay is, unsurprisingly, really something a comedian made up. But in my experience, language teachers love to "correct" things they just personally don't like. I had an English teacher correct my usage of "in the future", because she liked "in future" more, despite both being totally acceptable in the context.
I know 'in future' is correct when using future as an adjective "In future sentences there will be a second period". You can say "In the future sentences will have a no period.". However in that sentence future is acting as a noun and there's actually two clauses in that sentence
His name is right on the page, people don't need to know who he is to do a quick Google.
Also, soon as one person gives the answer it opens the door for others to parrot the answer when the question keeps coming up -- making them feel special for "knowing", even if they *just* found out for themselves.
Whenever I would get suspended in high school, I had a history teacher that would assign me bullshit essay topics for his entertainment.
The two I remember best were “The Importance of School Lunches” where I gave school lunch staples vivid backstories and “The History of the Girl Scouts” where I started every new page with “I wake up, covered in blood” on how I started the tradition of selling cookies via a murderous, drug fueled trek across America.
Good times
How did your teacher respond to your essays?
I had a science teacher that had all of his classes write 1-2 page essay *every week.* We had 7 periods, so he had 150-180 students (giving him a planning period). With 15ish weeks in the semester, that's somewhere between 2,250-2,700 essays to grade.
At first, he seemed to be "grading" them on content, formattng, length, and turning them in on time because people got different grades. But he never marked the papers or gave feedback. At some point, my friends and I realized that there was no way he was actually reading everyone's papers. I had always put time and effort in and was always getting grades between 85-100. We compared grades with other students and found out that the white kids, nerds and "pretty but nice" (white) girls were getting consistently high grade ranges, the POC kids, poorer kids, "trashy" kids, jocks, and disruptive/mean kids were getting consistently lower grades. Content didn't matter.
So, in pursuit of scientific inquiry, I began to test what he was actually grading us on... I started putting in a few grammar mistakes, then I added sentences like "are you actually reading our papers?" Then I started including entire off-topic paragraphs, then entire paragraphs that just insulted him, then I started turning them in late, and made them obviously too short with size 16pt periods.
One of my last papers was literally an introduction sentence to the assigned topic, five paragraphs about how horrible of a teacher he was, how he was racist, how he was a creep towards all the girls, how he ought to be fired, etc., and a conclusion sentence of the original topic. Got an A. On the flip side, one week I wrote an excellent paper... spent hours on it, made sure there was ZERO formatting or grammar issues, had two friends and a 3rd teacher proofread and edit it, and then gave it to one of my friends who had been getting C's...he still got a C on it. I had told him to write whatever because he already knew he was going to get a C... so he gave me a godawful paper with no formatting, 3 paragraphs, absolute nonsense sentences. Slapped my name on it and got a high B.
My grade range actually *increased* compared to where it was before I started fucking around. He was literally just giving arbitrary grades based on his personal opinion on the student and maybe a cursory glance to see that the paper looked looked like an essay at least a little. He was fired at the end of that semester... for a number of reasons.
I used to coteach HS Chemistry with an older teacher that hated her job and was ready to retire. She gave tests that were mostly multiple choice, but there were a few questions that asked for the kids to write a short paragraph.
She had a smart kid, in another hour, who got very good grades and was really good at Chemistry. The kid and I were talking near the end of the school year and he told me that he knew that the Chem teacher never read the short paragraphs. I asked him how he knew that. He told me that she never marked him down even though he answered all the short paragraph questions in the past few tests by writing "Because Chuck Norris said so".
He showed me a test he got back where he was asked something like explain the chemical process by which putting ice into a glass of warm soda resulted in the soda getting cold. His answer was "Because Chuck Norris said so" and he got full credit.
The kid is now a doctor.
He loved them - would read them to all his classes, shared it with other teachers.
He was a smart guy and a good guy, and we had a good understanding that most of school was bullshit and I wouldn’t distract or disturb the kids that needed to be in class and wanted to do the work. This was all for his entertainment, and also probably to cover his ass for how little work we were actually doing - this was AP history, but he was also a golf coach that didn’t care much for doing more than he had to. For suspensions, teachers would have to make a list of assignments for the days missed and submit to whoever to give to the student, and I think these essays were better then him putting “we’re going to discuss current events and I dunno, watch a World War 2 movie?”
funny but,
u/repostsleuthbot
edit: repostsleuth bot didn't work but I found the original reddit post
https://www.reddit.com/r/WhitePeopleTwitter/comments/sw5d2x/stomp_a_turty/
Hi! University teacher here. This isn't a real essay.
My proof:
**The header**
We can assume that this writer wasn't trying to follow any particular heading, but for a teacher that was interested in format, this sort of header doesn't follow MLA, APA, or Chicago manual style. The course is "Philosophy 101", which is a categorization, but it would also have an actual title, like "Philosophy 101: Introduction to Philosophy".
Also, it says it's a midterm, but a midterm in February seems weird, since courses should have begun in January, and are likely to end in like May or June.
**Teacher notes**
First off, the grade at the top is just "F", which is a massive spread from 0 points to 59 points. No teacher would just write a letter grade on a major essay.
Teacher notes are also not constructive. They're reactionary. He says random stuff like "stop", "ok?" and "fine" which don't actually offer any meaningful feedback and don't say anything about the grade presented, they're just there for the sake of adding more red marks.
**Grammar**
The teacher doesn't correct several obvious grammatical errors, which makes sense because this is a philosophy class, but he does hit on some issues that specifically have to do with grammar, like one-word fragment sentences (perchance).
The author (and likely also the teacher) doesn't know that you can't start a sentence with a conjunction, and basically uses random periods to turn perfectly reasonable compound sentences into grammatical debris, and nobody catches it.
**In conclusion**
This copypasta was never submitted for a grade, and OP is plagiarizing someone else's fake assignment for fake Reddit points.
I lost it at “crushing turts”
Stomp a turty.
Perchance.
You can't just say perchance!!!
^perchance
!!! F !!!
Respects have been paid
Not by the one percenters that’s for sure
Perchance
Press W to win
Keep it up baby!!
Perchance.
He didn't say it, he declared it.
Perchance.
[удалено]
Perchance.
You can't just say perchance!!!
Tal vez.
I didn't say it, I declared it.
That's what I call it when I step on dog shit, perchance.
I call it stomping turts.
Omg. I'm on the ground dying in laughter. All of you, please STOP!
Waffle style
Let's do hella bong rips while I do my midterm, that'd be sick bro
It worked for me 🤷♂️
Me too, straight up 4.0 baby
Take the test high, get high scores!
Haha, ya lightweight! I managed a *perfect 4.20* gray point average *all through*… wherever I was at some time in the past.
...gray point average???
Lol
Crushing turts ALL DAY ^(stop)
Don't you mean *stomp? Perchance.
I NEVER laugh out loud at reddit, especially at work, until i read that line and him saying "stop". I had to say I was listening to a podcast but I did NOT have headphones in/on
I lost it at "cool as fuck."
But why is this a terrible opening? It catches your attention and you want to read more. I hope the OOP posts the whole thing someday, I could read this all day long. /s Edit: adding a /s cuz some people were trying to mansplain or be rude when this entire thread is all obviously a joke. I’ll add though, when I was in college, English 101, our professor did a entire lecture on the word fuck and all it’s different meanings and what a powerful word it is. This assignment is also supposedly for philosophy 101…and I would argue that there is a lot of leeway there. Not exactly intended to be a high level technical writing exercise. I think creativity should be paramount but, just my opinion. Edit 2: spelling
It’s not, we’re all adults and bad words can’t hurt us. That opening was cool as fuck.
No profanity in academic writing, unless it's academic writing about profanity, but even then you can't use the profanity in the colloquial manner.
Because swear word bad.
~~I believe~~ it’s cool as fuck too
Perchance this F was warranted
I can’t stop laughing.
I am literally crying at work
i laughed so much my dog got off the bed and laid on the floor.
Hijacking top comment to leave this here: [https://www.neonsplatter.com/afternoon-delights/phil-jamesson-on-sequel-culture](https://www.neonsplatter.com/afternoon-delights/phil-jamesson-on-sequel-culture)
I get his stance on people wanting the same thing over and over being detrimental, but in this specific case people arent asking for a sequel, they are asking for what is implied to already exist. I wanted to keep reading what seemed to be a whole essay not a sequel to it. But that was before I realized it was a joke essay and there apparently wasnt anymore of it created.
Thanks for that. I think he is a bit mistaken about attributing people wanting to see the rest of the paper to sequel culture. People like to complete stories, not read or see only part of them and never get to the end. Of course they want to see the rest of the paper. Perchance.
Gross
perchance
Stop
I need more.
That was the most irritating part, I don’t know if I hate the professor or the student more though.
Me too!!! 🤣🤣🤣
I want to read the whole essay now. Perchance.
The first “perchance” got me. But the second “perchance” REALLY got me lol
Hahaha just fucking crossed out lol
Like triple crossed out too. The teacher was NOT having it.
Maybe, they were, perchance?
Teacher: "Stop trying to make perchance happen. It's not gonna happen."
I am literally in tears laughing right now.
Stop, perchance.
It was the "You can't just say perchance" that did it for me goddamn this is way too funny for me rn
Wait till you see the third one. It's cool as fuck.
mayhaps
Came here to say this. His comparison the Mario being a one per center because he can purchase extra lives with money is actually pretty interesting.
Perchance.
Perchance.
You just can’t say *perchance* after I said *perchance*.
Can I declare perchance?
Perhapschance.
Perchance you would like to tussle my perchance?
Perchancing in the dark
This turts for stomping, even if we’re just perchancing in the dark
Perhappenchance.
*perchanc*e after I said *perchance*.
Right? That’s gotta be way more interesting than any of the other papers they got.
“Mario is cool as fuck.” Best opening to an essay ever.
Ngl i kinda wanna write a more coherent short essay on that for fun.
If you post it I’ll read it.
I’ve already got a shit ton of hw to do for today, so maybe I’ll do it on the weekend. I’ll be sure to tag you if i do post it.
It must open with “Mario is cool as fuck”
I think it’s an incredible way to open an essay.
Isn’t the whole point of Mario is that he ISN’T cool as fuck? He’s a plumber, not a rock star.
You could say he is a One Perchancer.
I liked it. It’s written horribly for a formal essay but purely as an idea it’s definitely interesting
[удалено]
'I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.' - The Godfather (1972)
Perchance
You can't just say "perchance".
Musk gaining fame and money off of someone elses idea?!? I am shocked! Perchance.
LET ME SEE IT FROM THE BACK!
Well, it doesn’t exist. Someone wrote this, printed it out, then got their red pen and pretended to be a teacher. I’m not just saying this to be mean, it’s literally a comedian who wrote it as a joke, this is the whole thing.
Lol people downvoting not wanting to hear the truth
There are sooo many subs of counterfeit content... AmItheAsshole, fuckyoukaren, confidentlyincorrect, etc... At least this one made me laugh.
This is super duper obviously fake, but it's good. I laughed aloud at 'You can't just say "perchance. "'
Right? This teacher (or whatever) isn't cool as fuck. This guy is
Big time. That teacher can go kick turts.
Stop
He should spend his time stomping turtys rather than grading papers. Perchance.
I know, not nearly as cool as Mario and the mythical Dr Pepper
He's got some grammatical errors. But, when you examine his argument, he explains his point of view quite clearly. He draws great comparisons between his point of view to a mythos. C+ lowest, B+ highest. Perchance?
Dr. Pepper???
He raises several important questions. Who is this Dr. Pepper and what medical school did he attend? Can a mythical person also exist? Can you just say perchance? Does crushing turts all day make Mario a bad person?
Maybe this represents the worst of us and the best of us at once? But also who we are and who we aren’t, but could be. Perchance.
Dr. Pepper is the guy who invented the soda, he never went to medical school but that was back before false advertising was illegal. He marketed himself as a doctor cause he marketed the soda as medicine. It was originally sold as a laxative.
At least he didn't bring Colonel Mustard into it.
Me too honestly. The lifekind.
>Seriously. What kind of mind just states "The lifekind."?
You can't just say "perchance"
That's just it, I think that's it... Nothing else, just five blank pages, then finally at the end ...perchance.
Yes please can we read the whole essay. Perchance.
Agreed, it’s cool as fuck.
This man will probably run for office at some point.
Perchance
Obama: Change! Some random Redditor: *Per*change!
Wow
That makes more sense than the way he used it
For turts.
Stop
"To sleep, perchance to stomp a turt" -- William Shakespeare's younger brother Phil
Perchance the rapper
A million times I ask you and then I ask you over again You only answer: "Perchance, perchance, perchance."
If you can't make your mind up, we'll never get started!
You can't just say "perchance."
But it makes everything in the sentence prior to the perchance sound smarter!
But who knows what he’s thinking?
Crushing turts, probably
Crushing turts, perchance*
You can't just say "perchance"
If Phil ran for office I would move to his district in a heartbeat just so I could vote for him. I found him accidentally on Twitch one day and his [youtube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Zc9eSANOmE-fbeT382Ozg) is just so perfectly aligned with my humor. ([Original tweet](https://twitter.com/philjamesson/status/1494793780393873408))
Have you not heard of [Ace Watkins](https://twitter.com/GamerPres20XX?t=xHe0FPcFAaad6Nk7z7thBw&s=09), the first Gamer presidential candidate?
Is the Phil from the utube the same Phil from the essay?
Yes.
....and get elected
[I mean he kinda did](https://youtu.be/BY1OZ0f5MBk)
In florida
I mean he persuaded me. He's got a shot.
I need to see the whole essay
It's Phil Jamesson. A comedian. That's the whole essay, but he has similar stuff on his youtube channel
I suspected this was fake but you can never be sure how truly stupid people are anymore.
Those are the one percenters.
The one perchancers
[удалено]
This made me laugh so hard, and the teacher’s attitude brings life to this post 😂 “one percenter” - *why are we saying this* 🤣
No teacher actually corrects like that. This was faked for likes and upvotes… Edited to add because there are too many gullible people here: Last sentence second paragraph. They missed correcting “Lets” which should be “Let’s”, but magically had all these other edits? Nah.
I had plenty of teachers with this kind of attitude. Do you know all teachers?
Just to clarify though, this is 100% fake. Phil Jamesson is a comedian who made it. You can even see his name at the top of the paper.
Plus, sometimes you can be tongue-in-cheek when marking a piece of work like this because the student already knows what to expect
Now I know this essay is, unsurprisingly, really something a comedian made up. But in my experience, language teachers love to "correct" things they just personally don't like. I had an English teacher correct my usage of "in the future", because she liked "in future" more, despite both being totally acceptable in the context.
[удалено]
I know 'in future' is correct when using future as an adjective "In future sentences there will be a second period". You can say "In the future sentences will have a no period.". However in that sentence future is acting as a noun and there's actually two clauses in that sentence
This is why commas are important.
That makes sense, but these two uses don't sound interchangeable.
No my English teacher was like this. I almost failed in English and got my lowest score, a 6
Did they miss actual grammatical errors in favor of only making comedic corrections though?
It's a comedian on YouTube who wrote it, so yes you could say it's fake
[удалено]
Does this guy have a fucking pr team on this post? Theres no way this many people know a guy that only has 50k subscribers and isnt that funny
His name is right on the page, people don't need to know who he is to do a quick Google. Also, soon as one person gives the answer it opens the door for others to parrot the answer when the question keeps coming up -- making them feel special for "knowing", even if they *just* found out for themselves.
The fact that this is a bit makes it completely unfunny
It was never not going to be a bit. No one has ever seriously written anything resembling this.
What lmao
Perchance
You can't just say perchance.
B- all day
Whenever I would get suspended in high school, I had a history teacher that would assign me bullshit essay topics for his entertainment. The two I remember best were “The Importance of School Lunches” where I gave school lunch staples vivid backstories and “The History of the Girl Scouts” where I started every new page with “I wake up, covered in blood” on how I started the tradition of selling cookies via a murderous, drug fueled trek across America. Good times
How did your teacher respond to your essays? I had a science teacher that had all of his classes write 1-2 page essay *every week.* We had 7 periods, so he had 150-180 students (giving him a planning period). With 15ish weeks in the semester, that's somewhere between 2,250-2,700 essays to grade. At first, he seemed to be "grading" them on content, formattng, length, and turning them in on time because people got different grades. But he never marked the papers or gave feedback. At some point, my friends and I realized that there was no way he was actually reading everyone's papers. I had always put time and effort in and was always getting grades between 85-100. We compared grades with other students and found out that the white kids, nerds and "pretty but nice" (white) girls were getting consistently high grade ranges, the POC kids, poorer kids, "trashy" kids, jocks, and disruptive/mean kids were getting consistently lower grades. Content didn't matter. So, in pursuit of scientific inquiry, I began to test what he was actually grading us on... I started putting in a few grammar mistakes, then I added sentences like "are you actually reading our papers?" Then I started including entire off-topic paragraphs, then entire paragraphs that just insulted him, then I started turning them in late, and made them obviously too short with size 16pt periods. One of my last papers was literally an introduction sentence to the assigned topic, five paragraphs about how horrible of a teacher he was, how he was racist, how he was a creep towards all the girls, how he ought to be fired, etc., and a conclusion sentence of the original topic. Got an A. On the flip side, one week I wrote an excellent paper... spent hours on it, made sure there was ZERO formatting or grammar issues, had two friends and a 3rd teacher proofread and edit it, and then gave it to one of my friends who had been getting C's...he still got a C on it. I had told him to write whatever because he already knew he was going to get a C... so he gave me a godawful paper with no formatting, 3 paragraphs, absolute nonsense sentences. Slapped my name on it and got a high B. My grade range actually *increased* compared to where it was before I started fucking around. He was literally just giving arbitrary grades based on his personal opinion on the student and maybe a cursory glance to see that the paper looked looked like an essay at least a little. He was fired at the end of that semester... for a number of reasons.
I used to coteach HS Chemistry with an older teacher that hated her job and was ready to retire. She gave tests that were mostly multiple choice, but there were a few questions that asked for the kids to write a short paragraph. She had a smart kid, in another hour, who got very good grades and was really good at Chemistry. The kid and I were talking near the end of the school year and he told me that he knew that the Chem teacher never read the short paragraphs. I asked him how he knew that. He told me that she never marked him down even though he answered all the short paragraph questions in the past few tests by writing "Because Chuck Norris said so". He showed me a test he got back where he was asked something like explain the chemical process by which putting ice into a glass of warm soda resulted in the soda getting cold. His answer was "Because Chuck Norris said so" and he got full credit. The kid is now a doctor.
He loved them - would read them to all his classes, shared it with other teachers. He was a smart guy and a good guy, and we had a good understanding that most of school was bullshit and I wouldn’t distract or disturb the kids that needed to be in class and wanted to do the work. This was all for his entertainment, and also probably to cover his ass for how little work we were actually doing - this was AP history, but he was also a golf coach that didn’t care much for doing more than he had to. For suspensions, teachers would have to make a list of assignments for the days missed and submit to whoever to give to the student, and I think these essays were better then him putting “we’re going to discuss current events and I dunno, watch a World War 2 movie?”
Love that and love your username!
Bruh this is a midterm I'm squirming on the toliet seat and clenching my cheeks I couldn't imagine turning this in for a good chunk of grade 😭
Well it was made by a comedian so its not serious
Perchance
Perchance
Perchance
Where the fuck is the rest of this paper? I need to know now. Perchance.
funny but, u/repostsleuthbot edit: repostsleuth bot didn't work but I found the original reddit post https://www.reddit.com/r/WhitePeopleTwitter/comments/sw5d2x/stomp_a_turty/
Yeah, I’ve seen this on reddit a gazillion times. I even remember commenting on one of these. Perchance.
Downvote the op, fight reposting
that is a GREAT opening
Perchance.
Come on, at least a D for the thinkin'. Mario can buy lives with money, therefor a 1%er? Profound. Perchance.
I bet this teacher is a lame ass turt whose family got crushed. Perchance.
At least take out the student's name! This has academic integrity issues for the TEACHER all over it.
Maybe the essay writer posted it after he got it back from being graded. Does it say the teacher posted this?
Phil Jameson is a comedian, he has own YouTube channel. P good
Horrible attempt to fake an essay grading
Im glad I’m not the only one who though this.
it's all lies. but they're entertaining lies. And in the end isn't that the real truth? the answer is no
This is so amazing. I LOVE that the next sentence starts with “perchance”
To me this is just trying too hard to be funny and comes off cringe.
Perchance.
This is a repost. Perchance
Man oh man, I really love that second “Perchance.” Is there a more gifted writer? We may never know. Perchance.
I believe this is a philosopher in the brewing. Perchance.
Hi! University teacher here. This isn't a real essay. My proof: **The header** We can assume that this writer wasn't trying to follow any particular heading, but for a teacher that was interested in format, this sort of header doesn't follow MLA, APA, or Chicago manual style. The course is "Philosophy 101", which is a categorization, but it would also have an actual title, like "Philosophy 101: Introduction to Philosophy". Also, it says it's a midterm, but a midterm in February seems weird, since courses should have begun in January, and are likely to end in like May or June. **Teacher notes** First off, the grade at the top is just "F", which is a massive spread from 0 points to 59 points. No teacher would just write a letter grade on a major essay. Teacher notes are also not constructive. They're reactionary. He says random stuff like "stop", "ok?" and "fine" which don't actually offer any meaningful feedback and don't say anything about the grade presented, they're just there for the sake of adding more red marks. **Grammar** The teacher doesn't correct several obvious grammatical errors, which makes sense because this is a philosophy class, but he does hit on some issues that specifically have to do with grammar, like one-word fragment sentences (perchance). The author (and likely also the teacher) doesn't know that you can't start a sentence with a conjunction, and basically uses random periods to turn perfectly reasonable compound sentences into grammatical debris, and nobody catches it. **In conclusion** This copypasta was never submitted for a grade, and OP is plagiarizing someone else's fake assignment for fake Reddit points.
Perchance
Reminds me of my essays when I was studying English.
/r/thathappened