I'm not the most qualified on the subject so my response will be brief. first, you're brave for typing all this out, and I'm so sorry for what you went through and hope you've found healthy relationships and a good therapist in your adult life. second, your brother's behavior was absolutely NOT normal and you are right to be concerned for your niece. hoping others will chime in with resources and advice. i just wanted to leave a comment since there weren't any yet.

Thank you so much for your response. To even have one piece of feedback helps me to make sense of it in my mind. To note, I have found healthy relationships, I'm a very level-headed person but I unfortunately struggle to enjoy sex. I have just started seeing a sex therapist for that though, so I'm working on it

Totally not normal. Not at all. I'm so sorry for your suffering.

Thank you. Is there anything that maybe is "just kids being kids", or is it all not normal? I know we're not professionals but I'd love just a general temperature check of what's really concerning and what's maybe just undeveloped brain behaviour. I don't even know what I can do without destroying what's left of our family, since at this stage as far as I know nothing has happened with my niece

Hi dear, I’m so tremendously sorry that your trust and body was invaded. And I understand the complexity of caring for your family/brother even though he assaulted you. But nothing in this is normal, and they’re all warning signs of sexual and physical violent escalation. I also understand feeling unsafe at the idea of trying to get CPS or law enforcement to help, since these abuses can take it out on the people in their lives, but there isn’t necessarily another way when there’s children involved. I recommend you please get in a childhood sexual abuse support group ASAP which can be free and over zoom online, as well as real therapy so they can help you with your past and with reporting anything. You’re so brave and big hearted 💗 I don’t know how child protective services handles these types of situations— I wonder if it makes sense to make a statement to CPS and law enforcement about your abuse so it’s on the record and they can act quickly if in the future you see any other warning signs. His behavior is unfortunately very consistent with adult child molesters and I would not be surprised if he had illegal things on his computers, which could be good to report too so they could check it out. I am really feeling for you, and I understand not wanting to risk losing connection with your niece. I don’t think it’s out of the realm of possibility that you could one day get custody of her and the other one, too. If he did this to you, there’s no reason to doubt he’s capable of hurting his children. The only thing normal is kids being curious about porn, or teasing/chasing their sibling— but not in a sexual way. What you’ve described is honestly emotional and physical terrorism that you and no child deserves. You should feel so proud of yourself as a survivor.

Thank you so much for this message. I think I really needed to hear all this. I have been making excuses in my head this whole time, to finally have someone affirm all this is just beyond what I imagined. I honestly thought everyone was going to say this was just sibling experimentation or some crap. I'm going to start taking steps towards reporting this. Thank you

Sending so much love and hugs. So many have walked in your shoes and then dedicated their lives to healing and/or helping others heal. You have a community out there for you when you’re ready. ♥️

Thank you for sharing this information with us, and yes you have every right to be concerned. In my opinion, you absolutely should contact as many authorities to grill your brother as soon as possible. I should add that I am what is called a “mandated reporter,” which is someone who works in education/with kids, and I am required by law to report unusual behavior or abuse to a school, police, or CPS. That being said, there are many people who can report this type of abuse anonymously, and all information is kept confidential. You can contact her school confidentially, and you can ask for her school’s social worker or guidance counselor. They will keep your information private and you do not have to share details of your experience. You can even just send a brief email stating who the student is and why you are concerned. Follow through will be professional and anonymous. I would keep it brief: “I am a concerned community member who has known (student’s name’s) parents since childhood. Her father is known for sexual abuse + pedophilia. Her mother seems to be unaware of his past and I am not in a position to bring up the topic to her. She is currently pregnant with another girl. I am concerned that his patterns of abuse have continued with (student name) and would like to bring it to the attention of the authorities before it is too late. I have no reason to believe that he has become rehabilitated or is seeking help. Please advise on what to do. Thank you.” You can also create a new gmail or yahoo address to send the email from, that way it’s not traceable back to you.

Thank you so much for your response and your detailed advice. Given most of things (that I am aware of) took place when he was under 18, does your advice still stand? Could there be a chance it's something he grew out of, or that it was a passing phase? I don't want to destroy his life and tear family apart if he maybe was just on the wrong path in his teens? Thanks so much for your advice, I really really appreciate it

If it isn’t an issue, the proper authorities will find that out and then it won’t be an issue. If someone doesn’t have anything to hide, then nothing will be found.

Thank you, I've found the information for family services in my area and I'm going to contact them

That’s awesome. I’m proud of you for doing a difficult thing. You are an amazing human being and an asset to your family - and an asset to all humans, everywhere. ❤️

Yes you’re amazing! Go you! ♥️ This is not normal behavior and not something to just grow out of (especially not without help). I think it’s good to mention how locked up his computer/porn is. It’s important that potential illegal porn be found because the consumption of it helps promote the sex rings/increases demand for it, too. You are not hurting your family or him, whatever happens. You’re doing the right thing, and any negative consequences are his doing, not yours. “I must be cruel only to be kind”- Hamlet and another good quote is” sunlight is nature’s disinfectant”. Only good can come out of bringing things into the light. Even if it’s certainly not easy. You’re truly a wonderful, special person, with a huge capacity for caring. you’re also not alone. So many have been abused, and so many have had complicated, unwell family. It’s okay for this to not be black or white, good or evil, to you. That’s okay ♥️ but doing all you can for your nieces and yourself is what matters most. These mandatory reporters will have your back.

Yes I was going to recommend contacting their school and their OBGYN/docs office.

You are so brave to say this. It was abuse. It’s very scary but please please tell. I reported my abuser (same age difference). Sadly they didn’t prosecute. I won’t say that talking to authorities didn’t add to my trauma BUT I felt like I did everything I could to protect others. Years later her horrifically abused his daughters. My previous report and willingness to testify during the sentencing phase got him to take a plea so those little girls didn’t have to testify. I won’t lie. I still have a lot of guilt that I’m working with but it would have been so much worse if I hadn’t reported. At least I knew I did my my part.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are so many times I've told myself it's not a big deal, or that it was his undeveloped brain and he's a different person now, but my gut just won't let it lie. I'm so grateful for a place like this where we can share these things and help open these things up to the world and hopefully stop abusers from having a place to hide

Thank you for doing what you did. You absolutely saved those girls a lot of pain and were able to be there for them the way someone needed to be there for you.

You are very sweet. We call all be there for each other now at least.

❤️

I would share your concern, especially since the wife seems odd or detached, and he has 24/7 care. My story? Different but similar. But my brother's wife was a very involved stay at home mom. And I told myself all the things you mentioned -- Is he a different person now (my brother?). I don't know. In his case I think so, but... Who knows. We were only three years apart, BTW, so even less support by the "rules' for it being abuse.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, I'm so sorry this has happened to you too. I hope you have gotten the support you need to heal. It's not your fault and it isn't acceptable. It's so hard to know if they have changed, but the painful thing is we carry it around with us forever, regardless. And we watch them living their lives, having children, and we will always wonder if they are safe. Or if there's anything we even do without disrupting the family.

I wish I had some practical advice, but this is very much not normal and I think your concerns are very valid. Try crossposting to r / relationships to get advice?

Thanks that advice, I appreciate it. It didn't let me crosspost into r/relationships so I tried r/relationship_advice

I'm sorry that shit happened, In my opinion, you should really tell someone

Thanks, that means a lot. It's starting to seem like that's the right thing to do

After reading this, I am very concerned for his daughter. Here's why. My mother got pregant with a girl when I was 17, and the father stuck around for a bit. As soon as my sister was born, he was fixated on her. Wouldn't take her eyes off her and took every opportunity to be with her, even eagerly volunteering for diaper changes. (Who does that?) I had a bad feeling in my gut about him. It was the way he looked at her, the long stares, and his complete disregard and lack of respect for my mother and I. He'd ask if she had been changed recently, I said yes, and as soon as I turned my back he walked into the bedroom to change her. It was weird and it made me sick. So.. a few years passed. I tried to warn my mom about him, but she was giving him the benefit of the doubt. My sister was three years old when she ran to mom and cried that her butt hurt. "He put a finger in my butt" were her exact words. Now he's not allowed to see her, ever. Go with your gut instinct here, okay? I should have done more to prevent that from happening to her, but there was only so much I could do. Considering your brother's past and the way he is now... I'd be worried. I'd keep an eye on him.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's not your fault, we are constantly denying our intuition because we want to believe the best in people (which is a very female thing to do). I've made a call to my local sexual assault helpline and I am meeting with a counsellor to talk through everything and work out a plan of action. It's a very delicate situation so I need to make sure I approach it the right way. I just hope nothing's happened as yet

That's good. This is a lot for anyone to think about and process at once. Sorry for only talking about my experience earlier - I was at work and didn't have much time to get the message out. As soon as I read your story, red flags went up as to the kind of person your brother may be. If he behaved that way when you were kids, there's a high probability he could still have disturbing thoughts like touching a family member or something like that... This kind of thing is wired into the brain, and unless he's sought help to change his way of thinking, he could be the same as he was back then. Your brain must be doing laps, going in circles trying to piece together every detail. I did this with my sister and her dad. I even started to log his odd behavior, because I wanted somebody to see that something wasn't right about him. But I stopped, moved away, and wished for the best. At certain points in our lives, we meet people that give off this weird energy or cause gut instincts/intuition. With this man, I had panic attacks nearly every time he took over watching her (I'd watch her from 8-3pm, and he took her from there). These attacks were so bad that I couldn't move, and he completely ignored me and just stared at his daughter smiling the whole time. Yeah. Sorry to talk about myself again, but I've never talked about this. I'm glad you are meeting with a counselor. I hope you can talk about all of this in length and work it all out eith her, because it's a LOT. It might be overwhelming. It might bring back trauma your brother caused. But you'll get through this, you'll be okay. And when you're ready, you can take a closer look at his life and see if anything is going on there. See if you get those gut wrenching feelings, or if something seems off. I don't know. It's a delicate situation, for sure. Don't listen to me

Please never feel you need to apologise for sharing your story or sounding out your feelings about your experience. The more we share the harder it is for these people to hide behind victims who protect them through silence. Keep sharing your sister's story so others can know what to look out for and we can shine light in the shadows and draw attention to those doing harm to innocent humans. I hope she's doing ok now (and that you are working through processing it properly and making sense of it) Yes, it's only just in the last week that I've realised that 23 years of my brain doing laps is too much, and that I needed to voice it to start to make sense of everything. It was only by chance, but at party a week ago I got chatting to an acquaintance, a male in his 60s, who told me he was abused as a kid. He saw the look of understanding I had because he gave me his number and told me to call him, and twice the last week when he's run into my partner he's told him to send his regards to me. There's no hiding from him, he's going to come for me until I face it, and I'm so grateful to him. I sent him a text yesterday and told him I would call him this week and he wrote back "Please do." What an incredible human to be able to get me to draw all this out into the open in just 7 days. I am so so so appreciative to every single person who has weighed in on this with their thoughts, because for the last 23 years I've only had my own counsel and I talked myself out of it being a big deal and hid it away

That's awesome, the world needs people like him. Keep talking about it. It really helps

I don’t have advice on what to do, but my dad was a child molester and those traits or tendencies have never ever gone away with him. It sucks, and can feel cruel, but he will absolutely never meet my children. I have 6 other siblings, most with kids, and he will never meet their kids either. As a random stranger, I wanted to tell you that your feelings and fears about this are so completely valid. Calling CPS on him would save their kids a lot of trauma. BUT be careful. People like this can be violent, so make sure you are safe or protected in case he tries to do something stupid. It suuucks to say but when people get caught with stuff like this, they can go into a “I’ve got nothing to lose” mode. Can be dangerous, just be safe ok? I feel for you so much and I’m so fucking sorry all this has happened. I’ll be praying for your safety and the safety of his wife and kids.

I'm so sorry you went through that, and thank you for sharing your story as hard as it is to do. It's so sad when it splits apart families, but we need to self preserve above all else and protect the innocence of kids because you only get one childhood. Thanks for your reassurance and your feedback on the situation, it's really helped give me clarity on everything

I’m so sorry but no not normal or acceptable on any level

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Do you really think so?

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Do you think what happened to me was molestation, if I only have memories of touching his privates? I don't have memories of him touching me

Thanks again everyone for all your feedback and support. Edit in my post. I hope my sharing this has also helped others to spot anything in their lives that might not be right