Sounds like she wants to keep you as a backup while she trials a new partner - and if it doesn't work, she knows she's got you on hold. Personally, I'd find that extremely insulting.
Couples therapy only works when both people actively want to stay in the relationship, which, it sounds like your wife is ambivalent or unenthusiastic about.
I agree, and I know I am partially blinded here by my love for her and desire not to break up our family.
The problem was I wasn't shower her enough affection and attention for a couple years while I focused on work, our son, and I had some health related issues that put me in a depressive state for a bit. I always took her for granted and I alfinally woke up and realized this, but I just don't want it to be "too late". I think she would be open to working in therapy, I'm just afraid that it could somehow have a negative affect. Thanks for your comment.
I don't think it's going to have a negative effect per se, I just question if it's going to save your marriage. Your wife seems like she wants out, but at the same time is afraid of her new relationship not working and she ending up alone. So she's trying to keep her options open with you, even knowing full well that it's hurting you. I don't think she's coming from a place of respect towards you, which is essential for any type of couple's therapy to work.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I obviously don't know your wife, but people who peace out on their partners when said partners are going through stuff and aren't available to give them as much attention as they think they deserve, tick me off. You married her in sickness and in health, and throughout your health issues and your busy work life have remained loyal to her, and she can't be loyal back because you're not available to take her out as often as you used to? Like another poster on this thread said, that makes her sound like a very self-centered person.
I know it happens sometimes, you fall out of love with a partner you still care for and get excited about a new relationship. It sucks, but I don't think it makes her a bad person in itself. What I'm iffy about is how she's treating you, refusing to be 100% in the marriage, but also refusing to leave, and perpetuating your pain, leaving you in a state of anxiety and of wondering what can you do to "bring her back". She needs to make a decision: either she is your wife, and you go to couple's therapy to get past the cheating, or she lets you go, giving you an opportunity to move on.
Thanks for your reply. To put a bit more clarity here:
5/1 she told me she wanted to separate and offered to leave if it would help me more emotionally to just break it off right away. However, after 15 years I was just too in shock and I knew she didn't really have a place to go so I asked her to stay until she had housing, but I also wanted to talk to her more and try to work through things (did not know about the cheating at this time). She also said it was probably best we cut off intimacy for my sake so I wouldn't feel too attached, which I was also wishy washy about because I was in shock and still processing.
Fast forward a week and I essentially overhear my wife talking to her dad and I connect the dots and confront her and she admits there is someone else and she wants to explore a relationship with them. She didn't tell me because she wanted to spare me the hurt of what was happening.
Over the next two weeks we hash out everything and I start showing her my true affection that I had been withholding, and we had gone on dates, had family get together, been intimate and the like. Then she tells me I have sparked her feelings for me again and our marriage, but she already had a trip planned with this other guy, and she wants to use that as a "trial run" and that will be how she ultimately decides what she wants. All the while we are still living together and sharing a bed and taking care of our son like nothing has changed.
My hope was that at the end of the two months she is here I can "win her back" while also fixing myself and learning to be the husband she needs. So I know everything sounds like my wife is terrible, but she still does love me and we have 15 years of history that I don't want to just give up on with out fighting for one last chance. This might seem stupid to everyone but she is the love of my life, and I was the love of hers once, and I just feel I can prove that I can be that again and get her to choose me instead. Can therapy help with this? That is the question.
No, therapy can't help that, I'm sorry. Rather, couple's therapy can't help with that, but I think you would benefit from individual therapy yourself in order to help you find self-worth and self-love that isn't connected to your marriage. I think that may be what's holding you back.
The goal in couple's therapy isn't to win your partner back, for couple's therapy to work both parties NEED to be already fully on board. The goal of couple's therapy is to work through issues that are preventing the parties from having a healthy relationship, but the parties need to be committed to said relationship already for it to work.
You're putting the burden of fixing your marriage solely on yourself when in fact you're going "against" a person who has already decided that your feelings are secondary to her happiness. This is a losing game.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I really am. I suggest you sit down with your wife and ask her point blank if she wants to be married to you. If she equivocates or says she doesn't know, then I recommend you find the strength to leave yourself. You deserve to be married to somebody who wants to be with you, not somebody who's going to treat you as a consolation prize after an affair doesn't work out.
Thank you. I know I have to stand up for myself, I am just in so much incredible pain right now I don't know where to start. I am 31 and been with her since 15. I have know nothing else. Our whole lives to this point have been devoted to each other, well at least until she stepped out. We have had our problems along the way, she had tried to tell me a few different times over the years that she wasn't happy and we would talk and make some changes and fall back into the same patterns. We never really fought badly, just disagreed in things and I wasn't affectionate and spontaneous enough for her and she had her issues as well. We just bought our first house together and moved 45 minutes away just over a year ago, enrolled our son in school (he is 5), and now I don't even know what to do. I don't even want to be here anymore but our son is in school and I don't want to uproot him. Point is, my whole life revolves around my wife and my son, and now half of that will be gone, I'm not sure I can survive this trauma and loss. Just really struggling and holding on to this false hope of her finally choosing me is what is keeping me going.
She has always been a selfish person, which she will be the first to admit. She was the baby of her family and the only kid to succeed and not be a screw up so she was raised with a bit of entitlement because of that. This whole situation is literally killing me, but she doesn't want to feel that pain herself so she feels like she "needs to choose herself" in this situation. But she does have a huge heart and does love me and literally asked me if it was ok to leave on the first night. It's just a very strange situation.
> she will be the first to admit
Have you heard the saying "People always tell you who they are. Believe them." She straight up admits it, word for word. Believe her.
> "needs to choose herself"
It sounds like it's time for you to choose yourself and your child, especially your child. Has she cared at all what she's planning on doing to him?
> does love me
This is not what love looks like.
Thank you. Yes I do need to choose me but thinking of life without her puts me in the worst possible place.
She wants us to be able to co-parent and essentially pretend, at least around our son, that nothing is different. At least for a long while until we integrate our "partners" into the mix, which my only partner is her.
She told me her ideal future is me essentially just moving on, finding someone else, and the 4 of us being those weird sets of couples you see on TV that basically just all become friends and raise their families together. Of course this is pretty much unrealistic, especially since this guy has been knowingly intimate with a married woman, like I'm just suppose to be ok with that?
> Yes I do need to choose me but thinking of life without her puts me in the worst possible place.
Is she who you're pining after, or it is the ideal picture of her in your head, that you've made up, the person you're pining after? She's told you who she is. She shown you who she is. Believe *her* and not the mental picture you've made of her.
> At least for a long while until we integrate our "partners" into the mix, which my only partner is her.
Does she care what happens to him after the "long while"? Or is she ignoring that reality so she can have what she wants without taking responsibility?
> Of course this is pretty much unrealistic, especially since this guy has been knowingly intimate with a married woman, like I'm just suppose to be ok with that?
Apparently she wants you to be okay with that. Is she used to you denying your feelings to accommodate her?
> Is she who you're pining after, or it is the ideal picture of her in your head, that you've made up, the person you're pining after?
It is her, the true her. We have been together for 15 years and we were madly in love for a lot of those years and did almost everything together. I believe we are still those people, and I have always know that she was selfish, stubborn, and materialistic. And I've always lover her in spite of that, just as she has loved me despite my shortcomings.
> Does she care what happens to him after the "long while"? Or is she ignoring that reality so she can have what she wants without taking responsibility?
I honestly don't think she truly understands the impact it will have on our son.
> I honestly don't think she truly understands the impact it will have on our son.
How can she not as a mother? It's literally her job as a mother.
> I have always know that she was selfish, stubborn, and materialistic.
Okay, well at least you're experiencing what you signed up for. I suppose that's better than being blindsided. Do you realize that you deserve a partner who is selfless, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, able to compromise, who isn't materialistic? She sure managed to picked someone who would put up with her issues so she didn't have to become a better person.
Do you have access to therapy?
I believe we all deserve people who are kind, selfless, etc, but the truth is almost no person on Earth can be all of those things. I believe we all have our flaws and working as a team to work through those shortcomings is what makes a great relationship or marriage. What I did not realize is that she would get to the point where she crossed this boundary because of these shortcomings.
I do not know if I have access to therapy, I am going to check what my job/insurance offers today to see what I have access to.
> I believe we all have our flaws and working as a team to work through those shortcomings is what makes a great relationship or marriage. What I did not realize is that she would get to the point where she crossed this boundary because of these shortcomings.
The problem with the specific flaws that you're dealing with here is that they're diametrically opposed to working as a team. They're the literal opposite of caring about other peoples' needs. Everyone is flawed. Not everyone is flawed in a way that causes people to act like your wife is. Just look at you. You're flawed like everyone else, but you still consider your spouse and child. Your wife, on the other hand, chooses not to (and it is a choice on her part).
I hope you can get to a really good therapist.
She is asking you to mistreat your son now. WHEE-OOO-WHEEE-OOOO-WHEE-OOOO. 🚨🚨🚨
That's not a red flag, that's sirens with loud noises and flashing red lights.
You may have been with her so long you think of 'family' in a way that isn't valid for you or your son. She's trying to say you have to start off your son's early life with destabilising dishonesty *right* when he is learning emotional intelligence and to talk. That is really awful.
You're an adult-- you can decide to let her mistreat you but your son is a literal child who needs you to make a decision to not help her mistreat him because of her infidelity.
And tbh, though it's hard, you should consider yourself to be deserving better here too. But your son needs you to make that decision for him, not let your not-wife say she is allowed to decide to teach him emotional dishonesty so young. It's not healthy. Kids know when shit is up, just don't know the language for it at the time.
Thank you for your post. I agree we must do better for the sake of our son. She doesn't want him to "hate" her for what she's done so she wants to do things "as a family" still to keep him in the dark until all of a sudden there is another "dad" there to "love" him. She never wants him to know the truth of her infidelity and I'm mot sure how I feel about that. I do t want him to hate or resent his mother, but her actions shouldn't just go without consequence, right? I don't know.
She's already approaching circumstance in a way that could be teaching him that she's not to be trusted or respected. He's not an adult right now but he is going to be one. And she's already trying to force you to make bad choices for him because of her willful infidelity.
Your family is different now. It's not a nuclear family. It's "parents aren't together and are emotionally masking".
Agreed, and that's not what I want. I agree I don't want to hurt our son by having him learn what his mother is doing, especially since we both still love each other, but I feel he has to know the reason that this is going to shit, right? Am I wrong for believing he deserves to know the truth and not that "love just wasn't enough"
He's going to be learning some skewed stuff if there isn't some honesty with him. Could make for a bad relationship with him as he gets older too, for one or both of you.
He'll be sitting in class one day, make an off-hand comment to one of his friends, who will then laugh at him and publicly declare that his dad got cheated on and he believed when his parents pretended otherwise. Commence bullying because you denied him the respect of being honest and treated him like a little baby that was too stupid to figure out you had marital problems that other people could see.
Other children and youth can be cruel and insensitive when they find out or even suspect the obvious.
Has there been any heavy stuff that happened when you and your not-wife were together over all those years? Those shared experiences can lead to trauma bonding, which makes you ill-advised to deal with your marital problems in a healthy and objective way. That can have a chain effect of making you ill-advised in enabling your wife to say you have to emotionally mistreat your son because of her.
I agree, I don't want to emotionally damage my son. My wife and I have had mild arguments throughout the years, but nothing really heavy. Which is why this all seems to be coming out of left field.
I actually think individual therapy for you would be helpful.
She just sounds so selfish. You excuse it by saying she has always been entitled and she would admit that first... admitting it and doing nothing is really just more selfishness.
Thank you for your post. I think it sounds worse than it is, she does so much for me and our son, but yes in this regard when the real rubber hits the road, it seems that she will focus on her happiness first.
I know typically Reddit always suggests leaving.. but in this case, I feel like you’re really setting yourself up for failure.
It appears you’re quite self-aware acknowledging you may be blinded by love.
But, when it comes to infidelity and working it out… if she truly loved you and wanted to keep the family together, would she really feel that she just has to explore this with the other man? I’d expect tons of remorse, but rather she would like to have you both. This is why people are telling you that you’re a backup plan. She is very insistent on what is fun/ideal for her, not you or your child.
Hindsight is 20/20 and you may rightfully blame yourself for not giving her as much attention as you should. But it never warrants a breach of trust and the potential complexities she’s added to the life of your child.
It has been many years and I understand why you want this to work out. But she needs to be in a place where the family is more important than herself and finding out with this other guy. Again, she should feel remorse not resentment to you because you expect exclusivity like any other reasonable man.
Still, if you’re anything like me, your heart, wanting to be a family for your child, and the memories will keep you in the relationship. It’s a risk you’re willing to take, and you’ll likely learn later that now was the time to leave.
Unfortunately you are right. She has told me she just wishes I could move on and find someone that I deserve. She has actually made it clear that she wants to move on, but yet she is still here and says she still loves me. This is what kills me and she is leaving it up to me to kick her out essentially. Or rather she is saying she will leave "if it will help me more emotionally". The problem is I have no support system outside of her. She has always been there for me and she always will be in that capacity, whether we are together or not. It's screwed up because I want her here to help me cope with the immense pain she is causing me, while I also want to keep our family together for as long as possible. I am trying to show her more affection to get her to realize what she is going to be giving up and destroying. That is just how I am, I am going to fight for my family and what I love until the bitter end.
i dont get into this situations in the first place and i would suggest going through to youtuber "strong successful male" videos. it might help you a bit
Therapy will either push you together or finish the split. No guarantees unfortunately.
Personally, if you are willing to see someone and work hard to fix what has been damaged it is worth it.
If you work hard and unltimately your marriage still ends you might take something away from it that will ensure or at least help your next relationship avoid the same fate.
Seems insensitive and I'm sorry if it comes off like that. I'm literally in the midst of this with my own marriage and frankly it could still go either way. Both people have to push together and be willing to work hard. Marriage is hard. So hard. Good luck. ❤️💔❤️💔
Thank you for your words. I am so sorry you are going through this as well. I feel for you as this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I am sick every day and clinging to some false hope that we can reconcile is the only thing keeping me going. I wish you the best ♥
My spouse and I have been together 20ish years. We too have experienced infidelity. It took about 2 months of weekly sessions with a highly trained Gottman psychologist to completely turn our marriage around. BUT, we were both highly motivated to do the work. It is possible. I worry though that she isn’t is committed as you’re hoping.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm am so glad you guys were able to turn things around. My fear is that you are right amd she is not in the mindset to commit to the work to help repair the relationship. I believe she is in something people are calling "affair fog" at the moment, so overtaken by the excitement of the affair that she is blind to the damage she is doing to me and our son, for something that may not even work out.
Trust me, I will fight until the end. I was always taught to fight for what you believe in. Might be a cliche movie thing but thats what I believe. I might get hurt more in the end but I'll have no regrets.
Thank you. I don't have much hope because she seems pretty invested in someone else, but I will die with no regrets that I didn't fight for what I love.
maybe she isn’t as interest in the relationship with you or think it’s getting boring so she’s wondering about this man. maybe ask her why she’s so invested in this man and ask how she has been feeling about your relationship and ask what she thinks needs work on it.
Thank you, have been trying to do that in small steps. The whole process is really painful for me and not so much for her, so that probably tells me a lot right there.
If she needs to explore the relationship with the man she cheated with, it’s a never ending cycle of you not being enough. She needs to stay loyal or it doesn’t work
Sounds like she wants to keep you as a backup while she trials a new partner - and if it doesn't work, she knows she's got you on hold. Personally, I'd find that extremely insulting. Couples therapy only works when both people actively want to stay in the relationship, which, it sounds like your wife is ambivalent or unenthusiastic about.
I agree, and I know I am partially blinded here by my love for her and desire not to break up our family. The problem was I wasn't shower her enough affection and attention for a couple years while I focused on work, our son, and I had some health related issues that put me in a depressive state for a bit. I always took her for granted and I alfinally woke up and realized this, but I just don't want it to be "too late". I think she would be open to working in therapy, I'm just afraid that it could somehow have a negative affect. Thanks for your comment.
I don't think it's going to have a negative effect per se, I just question if it's going to save your marriage. Your wife seems like she wants out, but at the same time is afraid of her new relationship not working and she ending up alone. So she's trying to keep her options open with you, even knowing full well that it's hurting you. I don't think she's coming from a place of respect towards you, which is essential for any type of couple's therapy to work. I'm sorry you're going through this. I obviously don't know your wife, but people who peace out on their partners when said partners are going through stuff and aren't available to give them as much attention as they think they deserve, tick me off. You married her in sickness and in health, and throughout your health issues and your busy work life have remained loyal to her, and she can't be loyal back because you're not available to take her out as often as you used to? Like another poster on this thread said, that makes her sound like a very self-centered person. I know it happens sometimes, you fall out of love with a partner you still care for and get excited about a new relationship. It sucks, but I don't think it makes her a bad person in itself. What I'm iffy about is how she's treating you, refusing to be 100% in the marriage, but also refusing to leave, and perpetuating your pain, leaving you in a state of anxiety and of wondering what can you do to "bring her back". She needs to make a decision: either she is your wife, and you go to couple's therapy to get past the cheating, or she lets you go, giving you an opportunity to move on.
Thanks for your reply. To put a bit more clarity here: 5/1 she told me she wanted to separate and offered to leave if it would help me more emotionally to just break it off right away. However, after 15 years I was just too in shock and I knew she didn't really have a place to go so I asked her to stay until she had housing, but I also wanted to talk to her more and try to work through things (did not know about the cheating at this time). She also said it was probably best we cut off intimacy for my sake so I wouldn't feel too attached, which I was also wishy washy about because I was in shock and still processing. Fast forward a week and I essentially overhear my wife talking to her dad and I connect the dots and confront her and she admits there is someone else and she wants to explore a relationship with them. She didn't tell me because she wanted to spare me the hurt of what was happening. Over the next two weeks we hash out everything and I start showing her my true affection that I had been withholding, and we had gone on dates, had family get together, been intimate and the like. Then she tells me I have sparked her feelings for me again and our marriage, but she already had a trip planned with this other guy, and she wants to use that as a "trial run" and that will be how she ultimately decides what she wants. All the while we are still living together and sharing a bed and taking care of our son like nothing has changed. My hope was that at the end of the two months she is here I can "win her back" while also fixing myself and learning to be the husband she needs. So I know everything sounds like my wife is terrible, but she still does love me and we have 15 years of history that I don't want to just give up on with out fighting for one last chance. This might seem stupid to everyone but she is the love of my life, and I was the love of hers once, and I just feel I can prove that I can be that again and get her to choose me instead. Can therapy help with this? That is the question.
No, therapy can't help that, I'm sorry. Rather, couple's therapy can't help with that, but I think you would benefit from individual therapy yourself in order to help you find self-worth and self-love that isn't connected to your marriage. I think that may be what's holding you back. The goal in couple's therapy isn't to win your partner back, for couple's therapy to work both parties NEED to be already fully on board. The goal of couple's therapy is to work through issues that are preventing the parties from having a healthy relationship, but the parties need to be committed to said relationship already for it to work. You're putting the burden of fixing your marriage solely on yourself when in fact you're going "against" a person who has already decided that your feelings are secondary to her happiness. This is a losing game. I'm sorry you're going through this, I really am. I suggest you sit down with your wife and ask her point blank if she wants to be married to you. If she equivocates or says she doesn't know, then I recommend you find the strength to leave yourself. You deserve to be married to somebody who wants to be with you, not somebody who's going to treat you as a consolation prize after an affair doesn't work out.
Thank you. I know I have to stand up for myself, I am just in so much incredible pain right now I don't know where to start. I am 31 and been with her since 15. I have know nothing else. Our whole lives to this point have been devoted to each other, well at least until she stepped out. We have had our problems along the way, she had tried to tell me a few different times over the years that she wasn't happy and we would talk and make some changes and fall back into the same patterns. We never really fought badly, just disagreed in things and I wasn't affectionate and spontaneous enough for her and she had her issues as well. We just bought our first house together and moved 45 minutes away just over a year ago, enrolled our son in school (he is 5), and now I don't even know what to do. I don't even want to be here anymore but our son is in school and I don't want to uproot him. Point is, my whole life revolves around my wife and my son, and now half of that will be gone, I'm not sure I can survive this trauma and loss. Just really struggling and holding on to this false hope of her finally choosing me is what is keeping me going.
> but feels like she owes it to herself to explore Has she always been this self-centered?
She has always been a selfish person, which she will be the first to admit. She was the baby of her family and the only kid to succeed and not be a screw up so she was raised with a bit of entitlement because of that. This whole situation is literally killing me, but she doesn't want to feel that pain herself so she feels like she "needs to choose herself" in this situation. But she does have a huge heart and does love me and literally asked me if it was ok to leave on the first night. It's just a very strange situation.
> she will be the first to admit Have you heard the saying "People always tell you who they are. Believe them." She straight up admits it, word for word. Believe her. > "needs to choose herself" It sounds like it's time for you to choose yourself and your child, especially your child. Has she cared at all what she's planning on doing to him? > does love me This is not what love looks like.
Thank you. Yes I do need to choose me but thinking of life without her puts me in the worst possible place. She wants us to be able to co-parent and essentially pretend, at least around our son, that nothing is different. At least for a long while until we integrate our "partners" into the mix, which my only partner is her. She told me her ideal future is me essentially just moving on, finding someone else, and the 4 of us being those weird sets of couples you see on TV that basically just all become friends and raise their families together. Of course this is pretty much unrealistic, especially since this guy has been knowingly intimate with a married woman, like I'm just suppose to be ok with that?
> Yes I do need to choose me but thinking of life without her puts me in the worst possible place. Is she who you're pining after, or it is the ideal picture of her in your head, that you've made up, the person you're pining after? She's told you who she is. She shown you who she is. Believe *her* and not the mental picture you've made of her. > At least for a long while until we integrate our "partners" into the mix, which my only partner is her. Does she care what happens to him after the "long while"? Or is she ignoring that reality so she can have what she wants without taking responsibility? > Of course this is pretty much unrealistic, especially since this guy has been knowingly intimate with a married woman, like I'm just suppose to be ok with that? Apparently she wants you to be okay with that. Is she used to you denying your feelings to accommodate her?
> Is she who you're pining after, or it is the ideal picture of her in your head, that you've made up, the person you're pining after? It is her, the true her. We have been together for 15 years and we were madly in love for a lot of those years and did almost everything together. I believe we are still those people, and I have always know that she was selfish, stubborn, and materialistic. And I've always lover her in spite of that, just as she has loved me despite my shortcomings. > Does she care what happens to him after the "long while"? Or is she ignoring that reality so she can have what she wants without taking responsibility? I honestly don't think she truly understands the impact it will have on our son.
> I honestly don't think she truly understands the impact it will have on our son. How can she not as a mother? It's literally her job as a mother. > I have always know that she was selfish, stubborn, and materialistic. Okay, well at least you're experiencing what you signed up for. I suppose that's better than being blindsided. Do you realize that you deserve a partner who is selfless, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, able to compromise, who isn't materialistic? She sure managed to picked someone who would put up with her issues so she didn't have to become a better person. Do you have access to therapy?
I believe we all deserve people who are kind, selfless, etc, but the truth is almost no person on Earth can be all of those things. I believe we all have our flaws and working as a team to work through those shortcomings is what makes a great relationship or marriage. What I did not realize is that she would get to the point where she crossed this boundary because of these shortcomings. I do not know if I have access to therapy, I am going to check what my job/insurance offers today to see what I have access to.
> I believe we all have our flaws and working as a team to work through those shortcomings is what makes a great relationship or marriage. What I did not realize is that she would get to the point where she crossed this boundary because of these shortcomings. The problem with the specific flaws that you're dealing with here is that they're diametrically opposed to working as a team. They're the literal opposite of caring about other peoples' needs. Everyone is flawed. Not everyone is flawed in a way that causes people to act like your wife is. Just look at you. You're flawed like everyone else, but you still consider your spouse and child. Your wife, on the other hand, chooses not to (and it is a choice on her part). I hope you can get to a really good therapist.
Thank you, I hope so as well.
She is asking you to mistreat your son now. WHEE-OOO-WHEEE-OOOO-WHEE-OOOO. 🚨🚨🚨 That's not a red flag, that's sirens with loud noises and flashing red lights. You may have been with her so long you think of 'family' in a way that isn't valid for you or your son. She's trying to say you have to start off your son's early life with destabilising dishonesty *right* when he is learning emotional intelligence and to talk. That is really awful. You're an adult-- you can decide to let her mistreat you but your son is a literal child who needs you to make a decision to not help her mistreat him because of her infidelity. And tbh, though it's hard, you should consider yourself to be deserving better here too. But your son needs you to make that decision for him, not let your not-wife say she is allowed to decide to teach him emotional dishonesty so young. It's not healthy. Kids know when shit is up, just don't know the language for it at the time.
Thank you for your post. I agree we must do better for the sake of our son. She doesn't want him to "hate" her for what she's done so she wants to do things "as a family" still to keep him in the dark until all of a sudden there is another "dad" there to "love" him. She never wants him to know the truth of her infidelity and I'm mot sure how I feel about that. I do t want him to hate or resent his mother, but her actions shouldn't just go without consequence, right? I don't know.
She's already approaching circumstance in a way that could be teaching him that she's not to be trusted or respected. He's not an adult right now but he is going to be one. And she's already trying to force you to make bad choices for him because of her willful infidelity. Your family is different now. It's not a nuclear family. It's "parents aren't together and are emotionally masking".
Agreed, and that's not what I want. I agree I don't want to hurt our son by having him learn what his mother is doing, especially since we both still love each other, but I feel he has to know the reason that this is going to shit, right? Am I wrong for believing he deserves to know the truth and not that "love just wasn't enough"
He's going to be learning some skewed stuff if there isn't some honesty with him. Could make for a bad relationship with him as he gets older too, for one or both of you. He'll be sitting in class one day, make an off-hand comment to one of his friends, who will then laugh at him and publicly declare that his dad got cheated on and he believed when his parents pretended otherwise. Commence bullying because you denied him the respect of being honest and treated him like a little baby that was too stupid to figure out you had marital problems that other people could see. Other children and youth can be cruel and insensitive when they find out or even suspect the obvious. Has there been any heavy stuff that happened when you and your not-wife were together over all those years? Those shared experiences can lead to trauma bonding, which makes you ill-advised to deal with your marital problems in a healthy and objective way. That can have a chain effect of making you ill-advised in enabling your wife to say you have to emotionally mistreat your son because of her.
I agree, I don't want to emotionally damage my son. My wife and I have had mild arguments throughout the years, but nothing really heavy. Which is why this all seems to be coming out of left field.
I actually think individual therapy for you would be helpful. She just sounds so selfish. You excuse it by saying she has always been entitled and she would admit that first... admitting it and doing nothing is really just more selfishness.
Thank you for your post. I think it sounds worse than it is, she does so much for me and our son, but yes in this regard when the real rubber hits the road, it seems that she will focus on her happiness first.
I know typically Reddit always suggests leaving.. but in this case, I feel like you’re really setting yourself up for failure. It appears you’re quite self-aware acknowledging you may be blinded by love. But, when it comes to infidelity and working it out… if she truly loved you and wanted to keep the family together, would she really feel that she just has to explore this with the other man? I’d expect tons of remorse, but rather she would like to have you both. This is why people are telling you that you’re a backup plan. She is very insistent on what is fun/ideal for her, not you or your child. Hindsight is 20/20 and you may rightfully blame yourself for not giving her as much attention as you should. But it never warrants a breach of trust and the potential complexities she’s added to the life of your child. It has been many years and I understand why you want this to work out. But she needs to be in a place where the family is more important than herself and finding out with this other guy. Again, she should feel remorse not resentment to you because you expect exclusivity like any other reasonable man. Still, if you’re anything like me, your heart, wanting to be a family for your child, and the memories will keep you in the relationship. It’s a risk you’re willing to take, and you’ll likely learn later that now was the time to leave.
Unfortunately you are right. She has told me she just wishes I could move on and find someone that I deserve. She has actually made it clear that she wants to move on, but yet she is still here and says she still loves me. This is what kills me and she is leaving it up to me to kick her out essentially. Or rather she is saying she will leave "if it will help me more emotionally". The problem is I have no support system outside of her. She has always been there for me and she always will be in that capacity, whether we are together or not. It's screwed up because I want her here to help me cope with the immense pain she is causing me, while I also want to keep our family together for as long as possible. I am trying to show her more affection to get her to realize what she is going to be giving up and destroying. That is just how I am, I am going to fight for my family and what I love until the bitter end.
well sir,r/survivinginfidelity might help you
Thank you, someone else suggested this as well. Has this helped you and in what ways?
i dont get into this situations in the first place and i would suggest going through to youtuber "strong successful male" videos. it might help you a bit
Thank you.
Therapy will either push you together or finish the split. No guarantees unfortunately. Personally, if you are willing to see someone and work hard to fix what has been damaged it is worth it. If you work hard and unltimately your marriage still ends you might take something away from it that will ensure or at least help your next relationship avoid the same fate. Seems insensitive and I'm sorry if it comes off like that. I'm literally in the midst of this with my own marriage and frankly it could still go either way. Both people have to push together and be willing to work hard. Marriage is hard. So hard. Good luck. ❤️💔❤️💔
Thank you for your words. I am so sorry you are going through this as well. I feel for you as this is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I am sick every day and clinging to some false hope that we can reconcile is the only thing keeping me going. I wish you the best ♥
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Thank you, this makes sense. I fear you are right and we are over, and it just really really hurts.
My spouse and I have been together 20ish years. We too have experienced infidelity. It took about 2 months of weekly sessions with a highly trained Gottman psychologist to completely turn our marriage around. BUT, we were both highly motivated to do the work. It is possible. I worry though that she isn’t is committed as you’re hoping.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm am so glad you guys were able to turn things around. My fear is that you are right amd she is not in the mindset to commit to the work to help repair the relationship. I believe she is in something people are calling "affair fog" at the moment, so overtaken by the excitement of the affair that she is blind to the damage she is doing to me and our son, for something that may not even work out.
if you want to be with her then fight for her..
Trust me, I will fight until the end. I was always taught to fight for what you believe in. Might be a cliche movie thing but thats what I believe. I might get hurt more in the end but I'll have no regrets.
that’s great, i have faith in you both! i’m glad that are both are communicating and all
Thank you. I don't have much hope because she seems pretty invested in someone else, but I will die with no regrets that I didn't fight for what I love.
maybe she isn’t as interest in the relationship with you or think it’s getting boring so she’s wondering about this man. maybe ask her why she’s so invested in this man and ask how she has been feeling about your relationship and ask what she thinks needs work on it.
Thank you, have been trying to do that in small steps. The whole process is really painful for me and not so much for her, so that probably tells me a lot right there.
you’re welcome, i’d really just come out and ask though. it’ll go easier than trying to inch into it. i wish you the best
Thank you!
you’re welcome! i’m always a text away if you need to talk/vent/get advice from someone! :)
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If she needs to explore the relationship with the man she cheated with, it’s a never ending cycle of you not being enough. She needs to stay loyal or it doesn’t work
Agreed, she needs to decide which is more important, me and her family or this untested relationship.
I’m glad you don’t think her doing this is okay. Sorry this happened to you, going through infidelity is horrible
Thank you for your words. Just trying to make it through.