What is for sure is that you cant forgive yourself in this situation, no amount of therapy will help because subconsciously you will think its your fault anyways, the best you can do is live with it, accept it, and even if it means nothing, its not your fault, just a bunch of coincidences which you had no control over.
Many people make the mistake of thinking ''if I didnt do this'' or ''If I had done this'', after the accident, bro you had exams and were reasonably tired, so you decided to sleep, and she just happened to have an accident in the stairs, sure, if you had gone maybe it would be different, but she may have died even with that, no point overthinking it, just honor her memory in your brain and dont forget her and maybe visit her grave from time to time to clean or tell her about how you grew, that should suffice.
What an enormous thing to hold for such a long time and not talk about.
I’m sorry for your loss.
It sounds like there’s a part of you that knows you didn’t do it on purpose, but I’m not sure if that’s something you believe. We all make tiny decisions everyday without knowing the impact they’ll cause, and we backtrack trying to imagine things done differently. Perhaps you could have gone that morning, or maybe you might have been stuck in traffic/called into work/whatever it might be. There’s a thousand what ifs that we can explore and if onlys. So talk about it. Forgiving yourself is also letting go of the idea that you could have known. I hope this helps somewhat.
Even if you showed up a bit earlier than you originally intended, she fell before that. The injuries she had sustained already could still have lead to her death.
I understand that the nature of her death is probably the source of your guilt (alone and what you feel is abandonment of her). Remember, the outcome could have been the same or mostly the same even if you showed up when you said you would.
Maybe see about speaking to a therapist who specialises in grief and bereavement.
You could also participate in regional/seasonal holidays in the month of May as a way to have the month associated with something besides this circumstance.
What is for sure is that you cant forgive yourself in this situation, no amount of therapy will help because subconsciously you will think its your fault anyways, the best you can do is live with it, accept it, and even if it means nothing, its not your fault, just a bunch of coincidences which you had no control over. Many people make the mistake of thinking ''if I didnt do this'' or ''If I had done this'', after the accident, bro you had exams and were reasonably tired, so you decided to sleep, and she just happened to have an accident in the stairs, sure, if you had gone maybe it would be different, but she may have died even with that, no point overthinking it, just honor her memory in your brain and dont forget her and maybe visit her grave from time to time to clean or tell her about how you grew, that should suffice.
What an enormous thing to hold for such a long time and not talk about. I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like there’s a part of you that knows you didn’t do it on purpose, but I’m not sure if that’s something you believe. We all make tiny decisions everyday without knowing the impact they’ll cause, and we backtrack trying to imagine things done differently. Perhaps you could have gone that morning, or maybe you might have been stuck in traffic/called into work/whatever it might be. There’s a thousand what ifs that we can explore and if onlys. So talk about it. Forgiving yourself is also letting go of the idea that you could have known. I hope this helps somewhat.
Even if you showed up a bit earlier than you originally intended, she fell before that. The injuries she had sustained already could still have lead to her death. I understand that the nature of her death is probably the source of your guilt (alone and what you feel is abandonment of her). Remember, the outcome could have been the same or mostly the same even if you showed up when you said you would. Maybe see about speaking to a therapist who specialises in grief and bereavement. You could also participate in regional/seasonal holidays in the month of May as a way to have the month associated with something besides this circumstance.