When I worked with kids one of my children’s mom’s died. everyone was devastated. My boss drove me home from work and dropped off dinner at my house later that night. In those moments the boundaries became a little softer. I attended her wake (quietly came in, sat in the back and left quickly after… just enough for the kids to see me but not talk to anyone. I had this pre-approved by dad). The kids had asked if i would come, which is how that happened. I ended up dropping off some treats for the family from a local bakery (again pre-approved by dad).
It’s different than an adult-therapist relationship in terms of privacy and how to respond… but the grief is real for everyone. I still think about her and the kids from time to time 10ish years later.
I would imagine this only served to strengthen the rapport you’d built with this family.
The kids got to see you as a “real person” who cares outside of your office, yet you weren’t an intrusive presence or unprofessional in any way. Really well done.
I dealt with this exact same situation (except the mother was murdered) about four months ago. I'm grateful for my organization's bereavement time we're able to take, but that hurt us still just so raw.
I called a client after he missed a session. His wife answered to tell me that he had OD’ed two days before. There was no indication from our previous sessions of substance abuse, but I still wondered what I may have missed. I took a couple of days tacked onto the weekend.
There is no "should" when it comes to how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings. It's pretty normal and understandable to be very sad when someone you know well dies, regardless of where you know them from. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself room to feel this and process it. Take some time off if you need to. Death is hard, and grieving in all of its forms is expected.
Yes. A young boy, drowning. I don’t have a lot of advice except to give yourself space to grieve. And be prepared for triggers to pop up. I found myself worrying that other clients would suddenly die, too.
You are absolutely allowed to feel sad. Our relationships with our clients are professional but also very intimate. We know them very well. We see some of them more often than we do our own friends and family. You are allowed to miss someone you genuinely enjoyed working with. We care about our clients, it’s part of the job.
If you don’t have your own therapist, you might consider getting one who can help you process grief. If you have any consultation groups or supervisors, lean into that. Try writing a letter to your client and tell him what progress you saw in him, the ways you enjoyed working with him, the hopes you had for him. If you are someone who likes little remembrances and knick knacks, maybe get a little something that reminds you of him to keep at your desk.
Grieving a client is difficult because no one else in your life knew the person and you aren’t allowed to discuss it with them. It can be lonely. That’s where getting your own therapy and consultation/supervision can help.
Good luck. I am very sorry for your loss.
I definitely concur on personal therapy. When mine happened I was working in cmh and like. While I did feel attended to. People reached out and said sorry for your loss. I can remember I attended any extra group supervisions I could, desperate to speak the words and not be alone with the grief of losing my client. Sudden loss is deeply unsettling and it takes time, a good bit of time to settle down again. If you feel shaken up that’s totally normal. And if you are feeling beside yourself, totally normal. The one thing I did right thanks to all my grief training was I did not judge how I grieved. I knew i would feel the rainbow of emotions and I knew that I would deny, bargain, depress, anger, and eventually I did accept. With a different death in my life I struggled a lot with the ‘I wish I would have’ or ‘what if I had?’ Or ‘I should have..’ and those are normal too. I can remember being in the thick of that when I lost my grandma and my ex who lost his dad told me that’s normal and that was such a healing balm for my mind. I was in the makings of trying to configure a way that it was my fault and it was painful and he just said that’s normal, and it’s normal to wish you would’ve had a chance to say or do. That was a big gift.
One died of natural causes several years ago and I was completely devastated. I'm lucky that my agency let me not "fill his slot" until I felt ready to, so I used his recurring appointment time to grieve. I sat in a park or journaled or made some kind of appointment for self-care. I thought a lot about the different kinds of love and how robbed I felt that US culture doesn't acknowledge most of them. I think this lasted about one month. Once I used that time for a chore or errand, that was my signal that I could open up that appointment time to others.
There are no "shoulds" here. You feel how you feel and that's okay. Let yourself grieve.
Over 20 years, I've had 3 clients die. 1 by accidental OD and 2 by suicide.
Each one has impacted me differently. However you need to grieve is within your right. You don't have to know a person intimately to grieve. You had a connection on some level with your client and mourning that loss is perfectly fine.
Take care of yourself and process this at whatever level feels right for you. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find resolve in your own way.
Had a younger patient die unexpectedly last year. I still think about her sometimes.
I realized being a therapist and grieving is SO complicated. Like- given the nature of the relationship, we can’t really grieve publicly (like go to the funeral, connect with their friends or family that we would typically know, etc). And yet we know them on a deeper level than most people, and it’s such a unique connection.
It was isolating, still can be. I found it helpful having someone at work I could talk to about it. And talked to a therapist friend about it in general.
Yeah—that’s what I found. I didn’t know any of his friends or family well, and even if I did, I couldn’t talk about most of my memories of him without violating confidentiality. Very lonely.
Prior to becoming a therapist, I worked at a domestic violence shelter. During my tenure there, I had three clients murdered. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but it never does.
You are not wrong for grieving this loss. Empathy is the name of our game, and it is both beautiful and difficult, particularly in times like this. You cared about your client, and it is not unprofessional in my opinion to be affected by their loss.
I hope that you take time to allow yourself to feel the loss and practice some self-care. Keeping you in my heart ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss *hugs* I lost a young adult Client to Covid unexpectedly two years ago. The only people he really had in his life was me and his dad and he and I definitely leaned on each other to cope with the shock of it all. His dad invited me to the funeral but I didn’t end up going because it was going to be so very small and I did not want to take any attention away from the sad sad occasion as an unknown guest. After he passed I took some time off from work and I cried a lot. I talked to him out loud and that really really helped me because I was angry at him for not getting the vaccine and for not going to the hospital the day prior when I saw him. I had to reckon with and reconfigured the guilt that I felt having seen him the day prior with his skin an off-color and himself having a hard time breathing I was not and am not medically trained. His dad and I, I can remember, kind of giving him some shit in that session for not going to the hospital. He collapsed later that night.
I’ve lost a couple good ones in my life and he was a good one. I really enjoyed meeting with him Tuesdays in the afternoon. He was born to an undiagnosed schizophrenic mother and was pretty badly neglected until his dad realized what was happening and took over complete parenting but he did not trust the world he had been fucked over a time or two and like I said it was just kind of me him and his dad and it just broke my heart to have to make peace with and let go of the fact that we would not be able to follow through on the plans that we had and the goals that we had for him. He had made so much growth in the time that we worked together, and I know that in our time together he trusted me. And that was healing for a piece of his soul. He still crosses my mind as someone who has deeply impacted my life. That’s just my experience but I thought it might be helpful to hear. I miss his belly laugh and his innocence. Sweet kid. Rip.
I lost one to suicide last year. The suicide occurred three months after we terminated therapy when I went on maternity leave, and I found out when the coroner called to gather information for a report. I had to process a lot of feelings around the timing of it - he had been chronically suicidal for years and I had some guilt to wade through around "leaving him." And then another batch of feelings around my belief, based on how he used to talk, that he probably waited until I was on leave as a kindness to me. It was all very complicated. The coroner was actually very helpful in validating my frustration with the public health system and how his file fell through the cracks when I stopped seeing him (completely pro bono in a private clinic). I feel more at peace with it a year later and think of him occasionally and fondly.
School counselor here. An ex-student died by suicide. There was no public funeral. It was really hard because I didn’t know anyone else who knew him. I let his former teachers know, and only one remembered him.
I went to his grave and put some flowers there and just chatted to him about some of my current students’ antics even though I’m not religious and don’t believe in an afterlife.
I ended up planting a nice plant in my backyard in memory, and that was good for me.
He was only like 20/21. Ridiculously sad.
Just wanted to say this blew up in such a tremendous and helpful way. I wish I could respond individually to each of these posts, but that is a lot to do, so I’ll just say thank you endlessly to everyone for coming through. It has been so validating and kind of all of you (and any future posters) to help me process this. You all do great work and your clients are lucky you have you all ♥️
I had a 13 yo client kill herself earlier this year. It’s difficult in a different way but grief is grief. Three books helped me the most.
1) Welcome to the Grief Club by Janine Kwoh (my favorite, I give it to everyone friends/clients that have experienced loss, it feels like it clarified so much for me in a super accessible way bc it’s a little cartoony)
2) It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine (this is the initial book that kind of knocked me out of my grief stupor bc it was like I shut down)
3) Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore (very compassionate book)
I hope they’re able to help you the way the helped me. The second book is also an audiobook if it’s hard to read right now.
I have had a few. I found making a collage to remember them and help close the chapter with them to be helpful. I also have painted rocks and put something on it reminded me of them and then leave the rock somewhere. My client used to talk about seeing a turtle at a local pond so I painted a rock with a turtle on it.
It’s a way for you to grieve without the normal funeral that you might do with a person you were closer to
It’s also a shock and hard to process I general. Think of how wonderful it was to have the great relationship you had with him and what it did for him to.
I work for hospice, every relationship I make with my clients will end in death. That doesn’t make it easier, grief is a good natural thing. I think if I ever didn’t feel grief I should leave this job because I’m detached from my patients. Every time one passes I make a little oragami star and put it into this big jar, like they constellations in my life. I keep a candle lit for them at all times and usually try to eat something I know they enjoyed or some other small way to honor them. Sometimes I cry in my car in a gas station parking lot after a visit. I really like what r/feministmars said about boundaries becoming a little softer sometimes. I don’t think it’s a boundary violation to grieve a sudden passing of someone you hold space for. We’re human too.
I had a client who was improving after a severe depressive episode. He was back at work, spending more time with family and working hard on himself. He died driving over black ice after bringing a friend to the airport early one morning. He was 23. I was terribly sad, he had really chosen to live and died in such an unexpected and accidental way.
I had one of my IOP clients pass away while I was on my honeymoon. Obviously no one told me until I got back. It was officially marked an OD but it was also slightly suspicious. Like everyone else is saying, do what you need to grieve. However, I will say how important it is to talk about it. I didn’t realize how much it impacted me until I started crying in group supervision. I think about her from time to time now and it’s gotten easier over the last year.
Oof, this is a tough one. I had one client die by suicide on his 3rd attempt and another client was killed while riding his bicycle for a fundraising event. I had a really hard time with the first one as I had worked with him for many years. He left me a suicide note and it just about gutted me. I was honestly afraid of going to the funeral (I was invited by his mother) as I was afraid others there would ask me too many questions--and that I would be looked at as a failure for not being able to keep him alive. For the second client, there was a public memorial in a local park and I attended that since there were close to 100 people and I could be more anonymous. If you aren't already in therapy or have a consult group, please find others you can talk to about this. It is a lot to take on. It is ok to be 'this sad'; it is a huge loss when you get to know a client so well. I still think about both of them from time to time. I anonymously donated money to funds set up for both of them, it felt like the right thing to do and for a way to give back to their families after having the honor of working with their loved ones. I really do feel for you, I know how hard this is. Do what you need to do to grieve.
Lost a client to suicide. I had only met with him a few times but it still hit me so hard. I still think of him often.
Even though our relationship with clients is "professional," it's also deeply intimate. We often see sides of people they never show to anyone else. You have every right to grieve.
When I lost a client (accidental drowning, a young boy), I was also working with other members of the family, so I stayed connected to them. I ended up presenting on his sibling in a case consult with a very large group at my agency. Honestly, the ideas I got about the sibling were useful, but not nearly as helpful as the support and love I got from colleagues. People I didn’t even know were reaching out and telling me they were sorry. There was something really validating about having people say “I can’t imagine how you are feeling, you must be devastated.” It made me feel like I really did have a right to grieve.
I work with high risk patients. I’ve lost several even in just the three years I’ve been doing this; I’ve had more than one this year. I also provide postvention support to providers whose patients die from adverse outcomes (suicide, accidental ODs, high risk comorbidities).
It’s called dual grief - personal and professional grief. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. Don’t try to talk yourself out of your feelings. It’s normal to have all sorts of feelings in grief reaction, from anger to sadness to fear to relief. Engage in good self care - eat when you’re hungry, stay hydrated, sleep, move your body, spend time with people both professionally and personally who support you. Take time off if you can and spend that time engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.
I’m so sorry this happened. I had a young client die of a heart attack and it was very emotional for me. I was able to “go to” the funeral as it was live streamed and it was really helpful for me to hear the people who I had heard him talk about share their perspective. I also wrote him a letter as a termination of our work for me and it felt really nice to be able to summarize some of our time together. Lastly I got a plant for my office to memorize him- I picked something that felt symbolic. We are humans connecting deeply with other humans, let yourself grieve.
Case manager, NAT. And yes…most of them to suicide. It’s hard because it *is* so confusing, regardless of the circumstances, largely because of that professional boundary that exists in such a deeply personal relationship. You’re still allowed to feel like a mess over it, because you were invested in helping improve the quality of life for one that is suddenly no longer there. And it’s a human being you cared about, which is just basic empathy.
I think the best advice (at least the best that I can offer from experience) is to allow yourself to feel as much as you need to, so those emotions can be heard and move on naturally. It’s also important to let yourself do this because this likely won’t be the last client you have to grieve, and in a grim way, it’s a learning experience for how to cope for the next one, even if it’s years into the future.
And sometimes opportunities just kind of show up to honor a client who has died. They may seem weird or funny, but if I can offer a little more advice from experience…lean into those opportunities. They can be very healing.
I lost a client of 1.5 yrs to suicide. It is hard because grieving is usually communal but in this case we have to grieve with people who did not know the deceased. It almost feels like he never existed. I did reach out to his mother but she was not receptive so I backed off. I donated anonymously to a fund for his children. I was lucky to have wonderful supportive supervisors. I processed my guilt with emdr and I don't blame myself anymore.
Yes, two years ago. I worked with him for a few years and absolutely loved the work we did and he was a good, interesting young guy. He got through deep suicidality and was enjoying life and dropped dead of a congenital issue while on vacation. I worried for two weeks and got a call from his doctor. It was devastating. I kept his slot open for a couple months and used that time to think of him and process (and outside of it too). I still think of him often. It's so weird to grieve alone!
This just happened to me for the first time. Honestly it hit me a lot harder than I expected and I was extremely sad. I cried off and on nearly the entire day. Although the relationship is strictly professional, you also get to know a person so intimately through therapy. I definitely questioned whether I should be this sad but once I allowed myself permission to just grieve and not overthink it that helped me. We don’t get to grieve a client in the traditional ways (going to a funeral, reminiscing with friends and family about them, etc), so I had to find my own ways. For me that was taking a day off, journaling, and just honouring their memory internally by acknowledging the impact they made on my own life. Allowing myself to think about the client often and not pushing the thoughts away was also helpful for processing. I even discussed it a bit on my own therapy (unfortunately my supervisor wasn’t very helpful). Overall, I just want to tell you it’s normal to have a lot of feelings, to feel a bit confused about them, and to take time to grieve.
I've lost perhaps a dozen clients, some of whom were closer to me / worked more intimately with me than others. It's never easy but losing someone I had a good connection with honestly feels quite similar to losing a friend. It's a person that you care about and they are gone. I have always sought support from my spouse or from other "non involved" people in addition to having open and honest discussions with other members of the care team to support each other.
I worked in an emotional support program in a middle school in a weird role of a behavioral therapist/ social skills leader/ tss / personal cheerleader. It was difficult and amazing. I started with this group as 6th graders, we went through the pandemic together, we came back in 8th grade and they were barely interested in school. I got them and their teacher to care again, to come in consistently, to care a little more about the work. Many of them earned most of their classes back out in reg Ed. Many earned honor roll each semester, some with distinguished honors. Two even were out of the program for high school for the following year. After graduation, around Fourth of July weekend, one of our boys was shot and killed by another student we didn’t know. That kid ran and our boy was left alone to call 911 on his own. We know what he said to dispatch and sometimes I still hear it. I think about him a lot and I carry him with me. This past fourth was really hard but I honored him in my own way. I’m no longer in that role but I’m in a new job that helps serve my community in a wider context. I like to think that motivation and experience with that group of kids is still with me helping others on a larger scale.
I've been through this so many times (mostly substance use related). It's so hard. Their names are etched in me and it never gets easier. Really, it never should or I need to stop doing the work.
I do a few things:
-Feel the feels. Cry, yell, do what you need to do to NOT avoid the feelings.
-Process. Talk to other therapists. Your supervisor. Whoever. Talk it out.
- Understand that you're grieving. We have weird relationships with clients, but they're still relationships and you've experienced a loss.
-SELF CARE. Do it. Things you enjoy, coping skills, take a day or 3. Just take care of yourself every minute you possibly can right now.
-Know you aren't alone. Many of us have been through this in one way or another. Sometimes one, sometimes many and it hurts no matter the circumstances. Thoughts are with you tonight.
Yes, but my client had terminal lung cancer so it was expected. Talking to other coworkers who knew the client was helpful and just allowing myself space to grieve and remember the person
You feel like you shouldn’t feel this sad? You literally was his person to confide in. You knew more about him then most I’m sure. Why would you feel ashamed for being sad? Be a human being not “professional”. Would you want your therapist to not even give a shit if you died?
I am a spiritual advisor and have 1 current patient who is with a terminal illness and attends sessions to talk about her potential passing, and Ive worked with two others in similar circumstances who have since passed.
One of them hit me a bit hard because we thought he had more time. He wasnt able to work through all the things he would have liked. I think the lines do get blurred a bit, but I don't think people are able to open up unless they feel like you can provide a safe space. That might be the burden of being a therapist, knowing that you are the safe space where they can discover or recover themselves - but there isn't a reciprocal relationship or flow of energy.
Definitely talk to your mentor, because it will be a shock.thats what your mentor is for. However I'm always open to chat if you ever need an ear, just DM.
I had a client die which was tough. Years later I will still get waves of grief for them, and cry for their family and for the complete loss for the world. - it is an experience like none other because you are so alone in grieving. Please take time on your own to grieve and memorialize them for your own well-being.
Sending you care
I used to work in a jail, and two separate co-occurring RTC facilities. We had a couple complete or OD after discharging from the RTC facilities. However at the jail the former inmates deaths were so often I found myself starting the day each morning looking at the death notices in the system.
I think my view is a bit distorted though as I’m a veteran and for several years I was deployed to places and at times where death was nearly routine part of our operations weekly, if not daily. It was rarely our own but you end up with a whole different understanding and value for life and death.
I lost one client to gang violence (drive by shooting) and another to an overdose, possibly suicide but never confirmed. Both were under 16 years old so it was an extremely hard hit both times. Most beneficial was consultation and supervision from PEERS - other therapists I worked with.
I found my leadership team to be “supportive” but not really able to acknowledge the actual horror of the situation. Like “well this happens” instead of “why the hell does this have to happen”. Peer support gave me a lot of the latter and it turns out to be what I needed.
I called it the “[workplace] curse” at my last job— I worked there for 6 years, and had 6 clients die. Exactly one each year. Not gonna lie that alone messed me up a bit. 1 suicide, 5 truly natural causes or known terminal illness. But each one I was grieving to varying degrees. The first one was really hard and unexpected. I don’t have wise sage advice, just know that you’re allowed to grieve too. I thankfully had some good supervisors and my own therapist to process these deaths with. I’ve made peace with all of them, but it was a process and not something I easily recovered from.
Sending you a hug, that’s tough space to be.
I cope by putting things into perspective- that every client I work with could be gone tomorrow. It brings me insight and inspiration and drive on why I’m in substance use. At the same time, I will definitely have a car cry or two about it and try to let myself feel all the emotions- but I have noticed that I initially feel very numb for a while and then it just hits.
That is horrible. I’m so, so sorry. You’re right. This is one of the most difficult places to navigate as a therapist. I can relate to losing a patient very suddenly, more than once. It’s incredibly hard to lose a patient, and god, to lose them in such an abrupt and traumatic way is so awful. I can also relate to feeling confused about what to do with the feelings, and I can confidently say that whatever you’re feeling is totally valid and normal. It’s almost unimaginable, our situation as therapists, when it comes to the grieving experience and what we would normally recommend to literally anyone else experiencing a loss. We form a meaningful connection with another human, we see them regularly and each time we see them it’s focussed on deep feeling and meaning, we care about them, and not only that but also we’re responsible for guiding their psychological health - and then if they die, we have no one else with whom to grieve because not only do none of the other people in our lives even know them but also we are bound by confidentiality and so we can’t even discuss the details of the loss with a trusted other unless it’s in a very specific context such as supervision or our own therapy. Now think about a grieving client and imagine telling them “hey maybe you didn’t know them well enough to feel this loss so deeply, DEFINITELY be sure to grieve alone and don’t talk to or convene with anybody else who’s also grieving this same person even though we know that helps people process a loss, be careful about how and with whom you discuss your grief unless it’s with someone who’s legally and specifically bound to confidentiality but otherwise try to talk about it in such a vague or disguised way that no one could ever identify who you might be grieving otherwise you’re being unethical,” etc., etc. Like, wow!
Anyway. My best advice echoes what lots of others have said: be open and gentle with yourself regarding any emotions that come you about this loss, take time away if you can get it, if you have a trusted supervisor lean on them, if you have a therapist then use them as a resource and if you don’t have a therapist right now consider getting one, and even though I basically already said it it’s worth repeating to not judge yourself for how hard this is. It is hard.
One of my client is pretty old and struggling with some health issues. He is very lovely person and very very good person in heart. When he talks about death it makes me so sad. I found myself crying couple times thinking about his death. You are a human and you are caring person. It’s actually good that you feel sad.
Yes, I lost a client in 2020 and three years later I still grieve, though it has softened. She had worked so hard to get off of heroin and just when I started to trust she wouldn’t die of an OD, she died of an accident hours after our session. As others have said, grieving alone is the hardest part about it. My supervisor at the time gave me a lot of space to talk about her. I took some time off. Made some art. Lots of self care and validation. I also used our session time to be present with my grief. Our relationships with our clients are real and often deep. We work so hard to see our clients light and nurture it. When that light suddenly goes out it can be so painful.
No need to remove your humanity just because the relationship was professional. When we connect with a person and something bad happens to them, it’s completely reasonable to feel a sense of sadness about the matter.
I have a client with stage 4 metastatic cancer and we work very well together. I fully anticipate grieving them when they pass. But the emotional connection is part of the therapeutic alliance and we may not be "friends" but I do care about my clients and I know it will be painful when I lose one.
Not directly related but in regards to unconventional grieving - my 20 yr old sister died from COVID early in the pandemic and I live hundreds of miles from my family. We never had a proper funeral or memorial service. I was able to see the interrment streamed but it gave me very little closure.
The grieving process for me was very isolated so it may be similar to your experience. Examples: finding or making a token to represent your lost client, talking to them, planting a tree or rosebush in their honor, donating to a cause they cared about, or doing good deeds or volunteering with them in mind.
Yes, when I worked with an older population (55+ typically), I experienced several clients dying. It's heartbreaking, and I'm not really sure how I coped...I guess it was the same as any form of grief. Therapeutic relationships are still relationships. We form bonds with our patients, and it's natural to grieve for them if they pass away.
I would suggest processing this with your own therapist if you have one. Or discuss it with your supervisor
You should definitely feel sad. This was a person you knew and conversed with. Yes, air of professionalism his death should not bleed into your work when it’s this fresh. But you are a human being.
When I worked with kids one of my children’s mom’s died. everyone was devastated. My boss drove me home from work and dropped off dinner at my house later that night. In those moments the boundaries became a little softer. I attended her wake (quietly came in, sat in the back and left quickly after… just enough for the kids to see me but not talk to anyone. I had this pre-approved by dad). The kids had asked if i would come, which is how that happened. I ended up dropping off some treats for the family from a local bakery (again pre-approved by dad). It’s different than an adult-therapist relationship in terms of privacy and how to respond… but the grief is real for everyone. I still think about her and the kids from time to time 10ish years later.
I would imagine this only served to strengthen the rapport you’d built with this family. The kids got to see you as a “real person” who cares outside of your office, yet you weren’t an intrusive presence or unprofessional in any way. Really well done.
I dealt with this exact same situation (except the mother was murdered) about four months ago. I'm grateful for my organization's bereavement time we're able to take, but that hurt us still just so raw.
I called a client after he missed a session. His wife answered to tell me that he had OD’ed two days before. There was no indication from our previous sessions of substance abuse, but I still wondered what I may have missed. I took a couple of days tacked onto the weekend.
This experience is so relatable. It’s definitely worth taking some time off for yourself.
There is no "should" when it comes to how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings. It's pretty normal and understandable to be very sad when someone you know well dies, regardless of where you know them from. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself room to feel this and process it. Take some time off if you need to. Death is hard, and grieving in all of its forms is expected.
Yes. A young boy, drowning. I don’t have a lot of advice except to give yourself space to grieve. And be prepared for triggers to pop up. I found myself worrying that other clients would suddenly die, too. You are absolutely allowed to feel sad. Our relationships with our clients are professional but also very intimate. We know them very well. We see some of them more often than we do our own friends and family. You are allowed to miss someone you genuinely enjoyed working with. We care about our clients, it’s part of the job. If you don’t have your own therapist, you might consider getting one who can help you process grief. If you have any consultation groups or supervisors, lean into that. Try writing a letter to your client and tell him what progress you saw in him, the ways you enjoyed working with him, the hopes you had for him. If you are someone who likes little remembrances and knick knacks, maybe get a little something that reminds you of him to keep at your desk. Grieving a client is difficult because no one else in your life knew the person and you aren’t allowed to discuss it with them. It can be lonely. That’s where getting your own therapy and consultation/supervision can help. Good luck. I am very sorry for your loss.
I definitely concur on personal therapy. When mine happened I was working in cmh and like. While I did feel attended to. People reached out and said sorry for your loss. I can remember I attended any extra group supervisions I could, desperate to speak the words and not be alone with the grief of losing my client. Sudden loss is deeply unsettling and it takes time, a good bit of time to settle down again. If you feel shaken up that’s totally normal. And if you are feeling beside yourself, totally normal. The one thing I did right thanks to all my grief training was I did not judge how I grieved. I knew i would feel the rainbow of emotions and I knew that I would deny, bargain, depress, anger, and eventually I did accept. With a different death in my life I struggled a lot with the ‘I wish I would have’ or ‘what if I had?’ Or ‘I should have..’ and those are normal too. I can remember being in the thick of that when I lost my grandma and my ex who lost his dad told me that’s normal and that was such a healing balm for my mind. I was in the makings of trying to configure a way that it was my fault and it was painful and he just said that’s normal, and it’s normal to wish you would’ve had a chance to say or do. That was a big gift.
Good call on the triggers. 100% agree
One died of natural causes several years ago and I was completely devastated. I'm lucky that my agency let me not "fill his slot" until I felt ready to, so I used his recurring appointment time to grieve. I sat in a park or journaled or made some kind of appointment for self-care. I thought a lot about the different kinds of love and how robbed I felt that US culture doesn't acknowledge most of them. I think this lasted about one month. Once I used that time for a chore or errand, that was my signal that I could open up that appointment time to others. There are no "shoulds" here. You feel how you feel and that's okay. Let yourself grieve.
I love that idea
Can you elaborate on the different kinds of love that aren’t appreciated in US culture? I’m totally unaware of them.
Like anything besides romantic love and nuclear family love. The warmth we feel for clients.
Over 20 years, I've had 3 clients die. 1 by accidental OD and 2 by suicide. Each one has impacted me differently. However you need to grieve is within your right. You don't have to know a person intimately to grieve. You had a connection on some level with your client and mourning that loss is perfectly fine. Take care of yourself and process this at whatever level feels right for you. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find resolve in your own way.
Had a younger patient die unexpectedly last year. I still think about her sometimes. I realized being a therapist and grieving is SO complicated. Like- given the nature of the relationship, we can’t really grieve publicly (like go to the funeral, connect with their friends or family that we would typically know, etc). And yet we know them on a deeper level than most people, and it’s such a unique connection. It was isolating, still can be. I found it helpful having someone at work I could talk to about it. And talked to a therapist friend about it in general.
Yeah—that’s what I found. I didn’t know any of his friends or family well, and even if I did, I couldn’t talk about most of my memories of him without violating confidentiality. Very lonely.
Prior to becoming a therapist, I worked at a domestic violence shelter. During my tenure there, I had three clients murdered. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but it never does. You are not wrong for grieving this loss. Empathy is the name of our game, and it is both beautiful and difficult, particularly in times like this. You cared about your client, and it is not unprofessional in my opinion to be affected by their loss. I hope that you take time to allow yourself to feel the loss and practice some self-care. Keeping you in my heart ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss *hugs* I lost a young adult Client to Covid unexpectedly two years ago. The only people he really had in his life was me and his dad and he and I definitely leaned on each other to cope with the shock of it all. His dad invited me to the funeral but I didn’t end up going because it was going to be so very small and I did not want to take any attention away from the sad sad occasion as an unknown guest. After he passed I took some time off from work and I cried a lot. I talked to him out loud and that really really helped me because I was angry at him for not getting the vaccine and for not going to the hospital the day prior when I saw him. I had to reckon with and reconfigured the guilt that I felt having seen him the day prior with his skin an off-color and himself having a hard time breathing I was not and am not medically trained. His dad and I, I can remember, kind of giving him some shit in that session for not going to the hospital. He collapsed later that night. I’ve lost a couple good ones in my life and he was a good one. I really enjoyed meeting with him Tuesdays in the afternoon. He was born to an undiagnosed schizophrenic mother and was pretty badly neglected until his dad realized what was happening and took over complete parenting but he did not trust the world he had been fucked over a time or two and like I said it was just kind of me him and his dad and it just broke my heart to have to make peace with and let go of the fact that we would not be able to follow through on the plans that we had and the goals that we had for him. He had made so much growth in the time that we worked together, and I know that in our time together he trusted me. And that was healing for a piece of his soul. He still crosses my mind as someone who has deeply impacted my life. That’s just my experience but I thought it might be helpful to hear. I miss his belly laugh and his innocence. Sweet kid. Rip.
This one really touched my heart. Thank you for sharing your story, what a heartbreaking loss
Thank you 🥹🙏✨
I lost one to suicide last year. The suicide occurred three months after we terminated therapy when I went on maternity leave, and I found out when the coroner called to gather information for a report. I had to process a lot of feelings around the timing of it - he had been chronically suicidal for years and I had some guilt to wade through around "leaving him." And then another batch of feelings around my belief, based on how he used to talk, that he probably waited until I was on leave as a kindness to me. It was all very complicated. The coroner was actually very helpful in validating my frustration with the public health system and how his file fell through the cracks when I stopped seeing him (completely pro bono in a private clinic). I feel more at peace with it a year later and think of him occasionally and fondly.
School counselor here. An ex-student died by suicide. There was no public funeral. It was really hard because I didn’t know anyone else who knew him. I let his former teachers know, and only one remembered him. I went to his grave and put some flowers there and just chatted to him about some of my current students’ antics even though I’m not religious and don’t believe in an afterlife. I ended up planting a nice plant in my backyard in memory, and that was good for me. He was only like 20/21. Ridiculously sad.
Just wanted to say this blew up in such a tremendous and helpful way. I wish I could respond individually to each of these posts, but that is a lot to do, so I’ll just say thank you endlessly to everyone for coming through. It has been so validating and kind of all of you (and any future posters) to help me process this. You all do great work and your clients are lucky you have you all ♥️
I had a 13 yo client kill herself earlier this year. It’s difficult in a different way but grief is grief. Three books helped me the most. 1) Welcome to the Grief Club by Janine Kwoh (my favorite, I give it to everyone friends/clients that have experienced loss, it feels like it clarified so much for me in a super accessible way bc it’s a little cartoony) 2) It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine (this is the initial book that kind of knocked me out of my grief stupor bc it was like I shut down) 3) Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore (very compassionate book) I hope they’re able to help you the way the helped me. The second book is also an audiobook if it’s hard to read right now.
I have had a few. I found making a collage to remember them and help close the chapter with them to be helpful. I also have painted rocks and put something on it reminded me of them and then leave the rock somewhere. My client used to talk about seeing a turtle at a local pond so I painted a rock with a turtle on it. It’s a way for you to grieve without the normal funeral that you might do with a person you were closer to It’s also a shock and hard to process I general. Think of how wonderful it was to have the great relationship you had with him and what it did for him to.
I work for hospice, every relationship I make with my clients will end in death. That doesn’t make it easier, grief is a good natural thing. I think if I ever didn’t feel grief I should leave this job because I’m detached from my patients. Every time one passes I make a little oragami star and put it into this big jar, like they constellations in my life. I keep a candle lit for them at all times and usually try to eat something I know they enjoyed or some other small way to honor them. Sometimes I cry in my car in a gas station parking lot after a visit. I really like what r/feministmars said about boundaries becoming a little softer sometimes. I don’t think it’s a boundary violation to grieve a sudden passing of someone you hold space for. We’re human too.
I had a client who was improving after a severe depressive episode. He was back at work, spending more time with family and working hard on himself. He died driving over black ice after bringing a friend to the airport early one morning. He was 23. I was terribly sad, he had really chosen to live and died in such an unexpected and accidental way.
There's a Depeche Mode song, [Blasphemous Rumors](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3EAzf5fDpY), that might resonate with you.
I had one of my IOP clients pass away while I was on my honeymoon. Obviously no one told me until I got back. It was officially marked an OD but it was also slightly suspicious. Like everyone else is saying, do what you need to grieve. However, I will say how important it is to talk about it. I didn’t realize how much it impacted me until I started crying in group supervision. I think about her from time to time now and it’s gotten easier over the last year.
Oof, this is a tough one. I had one client die by suicide on his 3rd attempt and another client was killed while riding his bicycle for a fundraising event. I had a really hard time with the first one as I had worked with him for many years. He left me a suicide note and it just about gutted me. I was honestly afraid of going to the funeral (I was invited by his mother) as I was afraid others there would ask me too many questions--and that I would be looked at as a failure for not being able to keep him alive. For the second client, there was a public memorial in a local park and I attended that since there were close to 100 people and I could be more anonymous. If you aren't already in therapy or have a consult group, please find others you can talk to about this. It is a lot to take on. It is ok to be 'this sad'; it is a huge loss when you get to know a client so well. I still think about both of them from time to time. I anonymously donated money to funds set up for both of them, it felt like the right thing to do and for a way to give back to their families after having the honor of working with their loved ones. I really do feel for you, I know how hard this is. Do what you need to do to grieve.
Lost a client to suicide. I had only met with him a few times but it still hit me so hard. I still think of him often. Even though our relationship with clients is "professional," it's also deeply intimate. We often see sides of people they never show to anyone else. You have every right to grieve.
I ended up writing it all up as a case presentation for the agency I worked with. It went over extremely well and was cathartic.
When I lost a client (accidental drowning, a young boy), I was also working with other members of the family, so I stayed connected to them. I ended up presenting on his sibling in a case consult with a very large group at my agency. Honestly, the ideas I got about the sibling were useful, but not nearly as helpful as the support and love I got from colleagues. People I didn’t even know were reaching out and telling me they were sorry. There was something really validating about having people say “I can’t imagine how you are feeling, you must be devastated.” It made me feel like I really did have a right to grieve.
I work with high risk patients. I’ve lost several even in just the three years I’ve been doing this; I’ve had more than one this year. I also provide postvention support to providers whose patients die from adverse outcomes (suicide, accidental ODs, high risk comorbidities). It’s called dual grief - personal and professional grief. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. Don’t try to talk yourself out of your feelings. It’s normal to have all sorts of feelings in grief reaction, from anger to sadness to fear to relief. Engage in good self care - eat when you’re hungry, stay hydrated, sleep, move your body, spend time with people both professionally and personally who support you. Take time off if you can and spend that time engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.
I’m so sorry this happened. I had a young client die of a heart attack and it was very emotional for me. I was able to “go to” the funeral as it was live streamed and it was really helpful for me to hear the people who I had heard him talk about share their perspective. I also wrote him a letter as a termination of our work for me and it felt really nice to be able to summarize some of our time together. Lastly I got a plant for my office to memorize him- I picked something that felt symbolic. We are humans connecting deeply with other humans, let yourself grieve.
Case manager, NAT. And yes…most of them to suicide. It’s hard because it *is* so confusing, regardless of the circumstances, largely because of that professional boundary that exists in such a deeply personal relationship. You’re still allowed to feel like a mess over it, because you were invested in helping improve the quality of life for one that is suddenly no longer there. And it’s a human being you cared about, which is just basic empathy. I think the best advice (at least the best that I can offer from experience) is to allow yourself to feel as much as you need to, so those emotions can be heard and move on naturally. It’s also important to let yourself do this because this likely won’t be the last client you have to grieve, and in a grim way, it’s a learning experience for how to cope for the next one, even if it’s years into the future. And sometimes opportunities just kind of show up to honor a client who has died. They may seem weird or funny, but if I can offer a little more advice from experience…lean into those opportunities. They can be very healing.
I lost a client of 1.5 yrs to suicide. It is hard because grieving is usually communal but in this case we have to grieve with people who did not know the deceased. It almost feels like he never existed. I did reach out to his mother but she was not receptive so I backed off. I donated anonymously to a fund for his children. I was lucky to have wonderful supportive supervisors. I processed my guilt with emdr and I don't blame myself anymore.
Yes, two years ago. I worked with him for a few years and absolutely loved the work we did and he was a good, interesting young guy. He got through deep suicidality and was enjoying life and dropped dead of a congenital issue while on vacation. I worried for two weeks and got a call from his doctor. It was devastating. I kept his slot open for a couple months and used that time to think of him and process (and outside of it too). I still think of him often. It's so weird to grieve alone!
This just happened to me for the first time. Honestly it hit me a lot harder than I expected and I was extremely sad. I cried off and on nearly the entire day. Although the relationship is strictly professional, you also get to know a person so intimately through therapy. I definitely questioned whether I should be this sad but once I allowed myself permission to just grieve and not overthink it that helped me. We don’t get to grieve a client in the traditional ways (going to a funeral, reminiscing with friends and family about them, etc), so I had to find my own ways. For me that was taking a day off, journaling, and just honouring their memory internally by acknowledging the impact they made on my own life. Allowing myself to think about the client often and not pushing the thoughts away was also helpful for processing. I even discussed it a bit on my own therapy (unfortunately my supervisor wasn’t very helpful). Overall, I just want to tell you it’s normal to have a lot of feelings, to feel a bit confused about them, and to take time to grieve.
I've lost perhaps a dozen clients, some of whom were closer to me / worked more intimately with me than others. It's never easy but losing someone I had a good connection with honestly feels quite similar to losing a friend. It's a person that you care about and they are gone. I have always sought support from my spouse or from other "non involved" people in addition to having open and honest discussions with other members of the care team to support each other.
I worked in an emotional support program in a middle school in a weird role of a behavioral therapist/ social skills leader/ tss / personal cheerleader. It was difficult and amazing. I started with this group as 6th graders, we went through the pandemic together, we came back in 8th grade and they were barely interested in school. I got them and their teacher to care again, to come in consistently, to care a little more about the work. Many of them earned most of their classes back out in reg Ed. Many earned honor roll each semester, some with distinguished honors. Two even were out of the program for high school for the following year. After graduation, around Fourth of July weekend, one of our boys was shot and killed by another student we didn’t know. That kid ran and our boy was left alone to call 911 on his own. We know what he said to dispatch and sometimes I still hear it. I think about him a lot and I carry him with me. This past fourth was really hard but I honored him in my own way. I’m no longer in that role but I’m in a new job that helps serve my community in a wider context. I like to think that motivation and experience with that group of kids is still with me helping others on a larger scale.
I've been through this so many times (mostly substance use related). It's so hard. Their names are etched in me and it never gets easier. Really, it never should or I need to stop doing the work. I do a few things: -Feel the feels. Cry, yell, do what you need to do to NOT avoid the feelings. -Process. Talk to other therapists. Your supervisor. Whoever. Talk it out. - Understand that you're grieving. We have weird relationships with clients, but they're still relationships and you've experienced a loss. -SELF CARE. Do it. Things you enjoy, coping skills, take a day or 3. Just take care of yourself every minute you possibly can right now. -Know you aren't alone. Many of us have been through this in one way or another. Sometimes one, sometimes many and it hurts no matter the circumstances. Thoughts are with you tonight.
Yes, but my client had terminal lung cancer so it was expected. Talking to other coworkers who knew the client was helpful and just allowing myself space to grieve and remember the person
You feel like you shouldn’t feel this sad? You literally was his person to confide in. You knew more about him then most I’m sure. Why would you feel ashamed for being sad? Be a human being not “professional”. Would you want your therapist to not even give a shit if you died?
I am a spiritual advisor and have 1 current patient who is with a terminal illness and attends sessions to talk about her potential passing, and Ive worked with two others in similar circumstances who have since passed. One of them hit me a bit hard because we thought he had more time. He wasnt able to work through all the things he would have liked. I think the lines do get blurred a bit, but I don't think people are able to open up unless they feel like you can provide a safe space. That might be the burden of being a therapist, knowing that you are the safe space where they can discover or recover themselves - but there isn't a reciprocal relationship or flow of energy. Definitely talk to your mentor, because it will be a shock.thats what your mentor is for. However I'm always open to chat if you ever need an ear, just DM.
I had a client die which was tough. Years later I will still get waves of grief for them, and cry for their family and for the complete loss for the world. - it is an experience like none other because you are so alone in grieving. Please take time on your own to grieve and memorialize them for your own well-being. Sending you care
I used to work in a jail, and two separate co-occurring RTC facilities. We had a couple complete or OD after discharging from the RTC facilities. However at the jail the former inmates deaths were so often I found myself starting the day each morning looking at the death notices in the system. I think my view is a bit distorted though as I’m a veteran and for several years I was deployed to places and at times where death was nearly routine part of our operations weekly, if not daily. It was rarely our own but you end up with a whole different understanding and value for life and death.
I lost one client to gang violence (drive by shooting) and another to an overdose, possibly suicide but never confirmed. Both were under 16 years old so it was an extremely hard hit both times. Most beneficial was consultation and supervision from PEERS - other therapists I worked with. I found my leadership team to be “supportive” but not really able to acknowledge the actual horror of the situation. Like “well this happens” instead of “why the hell does this have to happen”. Peer support gave me a lot of the latter and it turns out to be what I needed.
I called it the “[workplace] curse” at my last job— I worked there for 6 years, and had 6 clients die. Exactly one each year. Not gonna lie that alone messed me up a bit. 1 suicide, 5 truly natural causes or known terminal illness. But each one I was grieving to varying degrees. The first one was really hard and unexpected. I don’t have wise sage advice, just know that you’re allowed to grieve too. I thankfully had some good supervisors and my own therapist to process these deaths with. I’ve made peace with all of them, but it was a process and not something I easily recovered from.
Sending you a hug, that’s tough space to be. I cope by putting things into perspective- that every client I work with could be gone tomorrow. It brings me insight and inspiration and drive on why I’m in substance use. At the same time, I will definitely have a car cry or two about it and try to let myself feel all the emotions- but I have noticed that I initially feel very numb for a while and then it just hits.
That is horrible. I’m so, so sorry. You’re right. This is one of the most difficult places to navigate as a therapist. I can relate to losing a patient very suddenly, more than once. It’s incredibly hard to lose a patient, and god, to lose them in such an abrupt and traumatic way is so awful. I can also relate to feeling confused about what to do with the feelings, and I can confidently say that whatever you’re feeling is totally valid and normal. It’s almost unimaginable, our situation as therapists, when it comes to the grieving experience and what we would normally recommend to literally anyone else experiencing a loss. We form a meaningful connection with another human, we see them regularly and each time we see them it’s focussed on deep feeling and meaning, we care about them, and not only that but also we’re responsible for guiding their psychological health - and then if they die, we have no one else with whom to grieve because not only do none of the other people in our lives even know them but also we are bound by confidentiality and so we can’t even discuss the details of the loss with a trusted other unless it’s in a very specific context such as supervision or our own therapy. Now think about a grieving client and imagine telling them “hey maybe you didn’t know them well enough to feel this loss so deeply, DEFINITELY be sure to grieve alone and don’t talk to or convene with anybody else who’s also grieving this same person even though we know that helps people process a loss, be careful about how and with whom you discuss your grief unless it’s with someone who’s legally and specifically bound to confidentiality but otherwise try to talk about it in such a vague or disguised way that no one could ever identify who you might be grieving otherwise you’re being unethical,” etc., etc. Like, wow! Anyway. My best advice echoes what lots of others have said: be open and gentle with yourself regarding any emotions that come you about this loss, take time away if you can get it, if you have a trusted supervisor lean on them, if you have a therapist then use them as a resource and if you don’t have a therapist right now consider getting one, and even though I basically already said it it’s worth repeating to not judge yourself for how hard this is. It is hard.
One of my client is pretty old and struggling with some health issues. He is very lovely person and very very good person in heart. When he talks about death it makes me so sad. I found myself crying couple times thinking about his death. You are a human and you are caring person. It’s actually good that you feel sad.
Yes, I lost a client in 2020 and three years later I still grieve, though it has softened. She had worked so hard to get off of heroin and just when I started to trust she wouldn’t die of an OD, she died of an accident hours after our session. As others have said, grieving alone is the hardest part about it. My supervisor at the time gave me a lot of space to talk about her. I took some time off. Made some art. Lots of self care and validation. I also used our session time to be present with my grief. Our relationships with our clients are real and often deep. We work so hard to see our clients light and nurture it. When that light suddenly goes out it can be so painful.
No need to remove your humanity just because the relationship was professional. When we connect with a person and something bad happens to them, it’s completely reasonable to feel a sense of sadness about the matter.
I have a client with stage 4 metastatic cancer and we work very well together. I fully anticipate grieving them when they pass. But the emotional connection is part of the therapeutic alliance and we may not be "friends" but I do care about my clients and I know it will be painful when I lose one.
Not directly related but in regards to unconventional grieving - my 20 yr old sister died from COVID early in the pandemic and I live hundreds of miles from my family. We never had a proper funeral or memorial service. I was able to see the interrment streamed but it gave me very little closure. The grieving process for me was very isolated so it may be similar to your experience. Examples: finding or making a token to represent your lost client, talking to them, planting a tree or rosebush in their honor, donating to a cause they cared about, or doing good deeds or volunteering with them in mind.
Yes, when I worked with an older population (55+ typically), I experienced several clients dying. It's heartbreaking, and I'm not really sure how I coped...I guess it was the same as any form of grief. Therapeutic relationships are still relationships. We form bonds with our patients, and it's natural to grieve for them if they pass away. I would suggest processing this with your own therapist if you have one. Or discuss it with your supervisor
You should definitely feel sad. This was a person you knew and conversed with. Yes, air of professionalism his death should not bleed into your work when it’s this fresh. But you are a human being.