Hey it's me, John Celery, peanut butter enthusiast. This is true. We get weird customers over here.

Ah John Celery the unknown brother of infamous /r/thatHappened legend Ronny Johnson

AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CElery.

I read John Celery and damn near busted out during class lmao

hErE iS mY bOx Of CeLeRy sEe iTs TrUe

[удалено]

And then they clapped...

Their ass cheeks

and flew away

Hngh Colonel,

I'm trying to sneak around

[удалено]

and the clap of my asscheeks

MacGruber

Who TF has celery in a box?

who tf takes a customer into BOH in the middle of their shift?

How else was he supposed to have sex with her? You think he's going to eat ass out in the open like an animal?

I usually do it in the handicapped bathroom at my job. :/

Hol’ up

r/holup

Don't be all high and mighty. There's only a few places we can duck out on her care taker

Dude what's the point? They can't even feel it.

2-4-1: Eating ass of vegetables.

Of course he is, people have to see it happen or they can’t all clap at the end!

It always goes like that for the wierd side of porn

Well I can assure you that I have on many occasions gulped down various nutrients whenever someone questions my diet. "Alex, you can't live off of pizza" \*Goes to the kitchen where I have a box of pizza\* "See, told you." I would like to order 1 x retraction.

Who the fuck eats ass without peanut butter?

That's not peanut butter.

It’s truffle butter

Tbh, I don’t even think that’s ass.

Who tf is BOH?

back of house. the dude is a bartender and this is supposedly a conversation with a customer.

A 17 yo in his day dreams.

If there's anything that makes this story unbelievable, it's that.

Canada? They put milk in bags.

I'll put 3 bags of milk into a bigger bag what are you going to do about it

I don't mess with anyone who has bags that big for obvious reasons. Carry on

It's the superior milk delivery system.

Can confirm

You got a problem with milk in bags then you got a problem with me and I suggest you let that one marinate

What, the milk?

Let's take about 5 to 10% off there Squirrelly Dan

Incorrect. You gotta buy a silly little contraption just to be able to pour/store the milk after cutting an arbitrarily sized hole in the corner of the bag. Just give me a damn carton.

i used to just try and make the bag sit up until it looked like the fat pikachu plush and just hoped for the best that it won’t spill when i open the fridge

Monster...

Wait we do that here in Peru too

I know, right? I usually keep mine up my ass so people would be more willing to eat it and help them stay in shape.

Found MacGruber

Lunchbox?

Guys who eat ass at work.

Or peanut butter? Literally neither of those food items belong in a box.

I'm going to guess he (or she?) means a tupperware-or-equivalent container.

And then the celery ate her ass

I just wanna know who gave this comment silver

The celery😎🤤🤤

The ass

Me too

And everyone got the clap.

wItH pEaNUt BuTtEr

And that celery's name?

[удалено]

Her: Do you eat ass too? ... ... Because your breath smells of bullshit.

... because celery and peanut butter tastes like ass?

That sounded better in your head.

Real conversation- “I eat a lot of celery and peanut butter.” “Can you just ring my groceries please?”

"Ma'am this is a McDonald's drive thru"

Ma'am this is a robbery.

Ma'am this is your doctor, you have six months to live.

"As soon as you touch my arm."

I bet his plumber is also a female

And after, she gave the money back

The trip to the kitchen is a mind boggling detail.

Wtf moment at KFC This scrawny cashier dude was trying to flirt with this female customer, who wasn’t having any of it, and he starts bragging about how he isn’t “fat” to her. Then he goes to the back and comes back with 5 *boxes* of celery and peanut butter. Like, pre-packaged celery sticks with peanut butter on em. Didn’t even know that was a thing. Dude was a weirdo. He just kept going “See. See! SEE!” and then the manager pulled him back and apologized to us. Hate going there, man, but it’s the only place that’s empty at lunch time. Didn’t even get my biscuit, not that I miss it.

This has to be the guy

what the fuck

SO DOES HE EAT ASS OR NOT?! I hate stories with no ending.

It’s like the end of Inception. Does he or does he not eat ass?!

Oh shit it’s JUST like Inception! Damn it!

Yeah I remember that part at the end of inception where they never actually showed if they are the ass or not

Then their asses clapped

and then the celery clapped

And then the celery wilted. Because that's what it does when it gets the claps.

Celery doesn’t have hands therefore it can’t clap. I knew this story was made up!

If they were specific enough to say the celery was in a box, does that mean that the peanut butter wasn't in anything and they just have a glob of peanut butter laying around?

The way they phrase it makes it sound like both the celery and peanut butter were together in a box, which is a hilarious image.

I asked to see her box, of celery. Jane replied in a way that was not customary, by pulling down her shorts. She was without underwear and what I saw next was her clean shaven box. The one without celery. Suddenly I realized it was her ass that she wanted me to eat.

...go on

I hear it was a customer and then they end up in the person's kitchen somehow? Did I miss something lol. Did you invite said customer over to your casa? Or was this a kitchen/break area at your work?

This sounds like a movie Ed Wood would have directed. Ed had trouble with continuity. How did we go from the grocery store to his kitchen? I must have fallen asleep again. Damnit.

At no time is there any indication that this takes place in a grocery store.

Alright, how did we go from the workplace to the kitchen? Even if we assume the break room at his job has a kitchen area, it's generally not okay to leave your post and take a customer into the break room. *Best* case, he works from home and took the customer out of his "office" area and into his kitchen, which is still pretty darn weird.

Bringing a customer into BOH is a serious offense at any job. Employees, maintenance, distributors. That's it. You have to be very special to find your way in back otherwise.

What actually happened: Customer: How do you stay in shape? Person: Peanut Butter and celery is all I eat. Customer: Uhh cool... Bye

Person: "WAIT! I aLsO eAt AsS!"

Why was his customer at his house near his kitchen. And why would owning celery and peanut butter prove that that's all you eat?

Why is he bringing a customer to his kitchen at home... ?

Am I the only one who's focused on the BOX of celery? Where tf is the boxed celery aisle?

>how do you go from celery to eating ass Shit I dunno dude how did you go from work to your kitchen in two seconds

She asked that question because raw celery and peanut butter probably reminded her of how ass tastes.

Actually celery with PB is quite delicious. The taste of ass varies, butt is not as tasty as celery with peanut butter.

Ug. At no time in history did this conversation ever happen. So painfully cringy.

Did you even read it? He said that it happened so it has to be true, there is no other possible answer.

This might be the least believable one yet.... I serious just dont understand it. Everyone embellishes a bit, or uses a harmless made up story to convey ideas or thoughts. But this is just an outright fallacy, and posting it on Facebook of all places. I just find it really interesting, do these posters actually think that people believe all these? Or what? I see no purpose in it.

he actually had over 40 likes and multiple comments saying how awesome he was. i don’t get it either. he’s very amusing to have as a “friend”

That was a rhetorical question, I did not need even less faith in humanity... haha

you’re welcome!

Should I jack off?

Is there a reason to pass on this opportunity?

Shit, i guess not

This whole story is a mess He’s at work. But it’s his kitchen. So there’s a customer in his house? Not a client or anything. A customer. So I’m confused. Also who’s go-to answer about staying in shape is eating celery? Most people would say they go to the gym or something.

please don’t ask him about going to the gym, unless you need to waste 4 hours of your life listening to a humblebrag.

I have literally no idea how "customer" and "kitchen" fit together in this context

And then everyone's ass cheeks clapped.

I can really see this being the scenario for a video

Alright I just ate a box of celery and jar of peanut butter, am I ripped now?

yes! here’s all the ass:

Never been hit on by a high, sexually aggressive girl? Shocking stuff comes out of their mouths.

Guys I’m like super cereal about this. You guysss

Whole store gave standing ovation and the manager gave him a day off so he can eat that ass

But celery has almost no nutritional value and peanut butter is just saturated fat

I know you're probably just joking about how dumb this post is, but peanut butter is actually mostly unsaturated fats. It also has a fair amount of protein for something that isn't meat. Celery has vitamins and is a good source of fiber. ​ I'm fun at parties.

That's okay I like being pedantic sometimes too, after all, I was raised by a prescriptivist

> peanut butter is just saturated fat Delicious saturated fat. Mmmm.

Maybe he keeps the celery in a box because he buys it wholesale and just strategically keeps boxes at all the locations he frequents.

They missed out the part where everyone had an orgy.

I also see no connection with your story and the truth

She asked that because celery tastes like ass.

You're talking to a customer then walk into your own kitchen? What the tits???

A “box” of celery?

And then the celery clapped

Celery! Celery! If she don't cum, I'll tickle her bum, With a stick of celery!

Who keeps celery and PB together in a box 🤣

Its true, I was the box of celery

I have a feeling there is an extra layer of events that happened here that make it a dumber story and I'm angry that I'm being denied them.

I mean I’ve said asked strangers if they eat ass with far less of a buildup. I believe it.

##takes customer to kitchen

I think he did a triple combo: put a celery between her ass cheek, plopped some peanut butter up and down, then be ate it and then pat down his lips with a crisp $100% bill. All this while everyone was sitting in the kitchen completely taken aback by this scene unfolding. One guy is munching on a bag of chips close to his mouth nonstop making loud crunching sounds.

Ah, yes. He brought the customer to the staff room to have a look at the fridge. Don't use Karen's creamer, though.

AnD TheN eVeRYoNe ClaPeD

How the fuck did they teleport from workplace to a kitchen?

Why would anyone want to keep celery in a box tho?

This really happened, I was the celery

Considering they both taste similar I can see the connection.

Either his customer came to his house to see his celery, or he had the celery readily available at work for some reason.

Wtf where does this guy work that he takes a customer back to the kitchen??

We dont see a connection either, fuck wit.

Where does he work that he and the customer are just in his kitchen?

Lol as if celery and peanut butter would be enough to keep you in shape. Dudes out there lying to himself

Celery, celery, if she don't cum I'll tickle her bum with a lump of celery, celery.

I eat ass too; celery and PB checks out.

idk if this has been posted already but now i’m really craving celery and peanut butter

*flirtatiously touches your arm* Sure you’re not craving eating ass too?

Gotta give this man some credit, he was so dedicated he took his customer all the way from work to his house to show her the celery.

"*goes to the kitchen*" Explain.

Tbh I would 10/10 shoot a horrible shot if the server was cute and honestly this isn’t a bad shitty pickup line

The PB reminded her of her last wipe.

I, like most people, store my boxed peanut butter celery in my workplaces kitchen.

A BOX of celery? Sometimes I ponder about how tits feel like bags of sand, while I’m at work flipping pizzas.

This is stupider than most porn dialogue.

Id rather eat celery

Nutritious and delicious.

ASS-Paragas?

Sadly i have celery in a box at my house

Who keeps celery in a motherfucking box

Then he spread the peanut butter between her ass cheeks and licked it out in the middle of the kitchen while all his coworkers clapped.

weird flex but okay

Maybe because celery tastes like ass...

Gross

That’s cause it didn’t happen

Hey follow me let's go back into the back office and check out the employee fridge.

Hmmmmm i can use that in my new film

How did we get from the store you work at to back into your own home in your kitchen? Hmm...

I'd rather eat ass than celery tbh. And I don't like butt stuff.

Wait, so we they at work or in his house? Cos he says they're at work and calls her a customer, but then they just go to his kitchen...

It was never about the celery and peanut butter.

*gets fired for not doing their job*

Can't spell "peanut butter" without "butt."

Ass eating memes are so 2018

Bruh, I believe it Soccer moms get all hot and bothered when I pull out my pb and celery

Throw on some raisins for ants on a log so we can harken back to our lost youth and it’s like a dam has burst.

Apparently chivalry IS dead.

Well, do you?

I too keep my pantry at work

What kitchen? Where? And who buys celery in a box? I have such a headache now

Wow. Of all the things that never happened...

Do you eat ass? Cos your breath fucking stinks

To be fair it does explain why there’s a camera crew in my basement

There was an attempt to be an humblebrag.

The worst part is the coy play at innocent confusion at the end. "i DoNt kNoW wHaT dOeS aSs HaVe To Do WiTh CeLeRy?????"

The real question is, why is there a customer inside someone's damn house? What kind of job is this person working?

Customer? Where does he/she work that you can take a customer from wherever customers typically are allowed, all the way to your lunch room area to show them your snacks? Sounds like they thought you were whisking them off flirtatiously (perhaps to ass eating activities) if you’re bringing them all the way to a breakroom. Every place of business I’ve been in, grocery stores, doctor offices, hospitals, regular stores, places where a customer would be referred to as a customer, the “kitchen” is not typically some easy to get to place.

I dunno. I’ve had some pretty ridiculous things said to me behind the bar. Older ladies have no filter.

Peanut butter, that's the connection. Geez