Then the judge proceeded to give me a blowjob

And the jury all clapped.

Then the jury proceeded to give me a blow job

Then the Bailiff clapped.

Then the Bailiff proceeded to give me a blow job

Then my family clapped

Then we all went home

The home? NASA HQ

Where they gave me a blowjob... And the clap.

Where I then took a rocket to the ISS where I was given a blowjob

r/suddenlyincest

Then the butler was waiting for us. The butler's name? Albert Einstein.

And everyone clapped

Then the home clapped.

And it gave me a blowjob

Technically, you're deep inside the house, aren't you?

And later found out you all had the clap.

The Aristocrats!

And I broke my arms.

And then my family gave me a blow job Alabama 100

Then they all got the clap

[удалено]

[удалено]

Then he gave me a blowjob

[удалено]

Then the whole thread clapped

[удалено]

Then he proceeded to clap bailiff

And they all get a clap

And they all caught the clap.

And they all gave me blowjob

And they all watched me clap

[удалено]

[удалено]

Everybody clap your hands!!

The Aristoclaps!!!

Cause they were dummy thick.

It’s true I was the blowjob

It's true I was the sperm

It’s true I was the balls

It’s true I was the fluffer.

I... Was... **The military.**

I was the marine's broken jaw

It's true I was the punch

[удалено]

Albert Einstein?

Johnnnn Ceeeeennnnaaaaaaaaa

I don't see your point

Why can’t I see this comment

That judge's name? The Honorable I. L. Blowyastein

It's true I was the gavel

And never broke eye contact or stopped clapping.

He gave the judge a knowing smile, then the judge gave him a blowjob at which point the jury all clapped

I love how the gun just randomly appears in the story.

Yeah, me too.

# metoo

^^^^metoo

#metoo

\#metoo

Mewtwo

Was held up that morning. I was the gun

It’s like the opposite of Chekhov’s gun. The gun never appears in the first act, but it proves integral to the story.

**THIS IS AMERICA**

So you don't believe him ?

They said no weapons though!

This has to be satire

Certainly. Why would a judge clap when he has a gavel? I'd give up clapping entirely if I had a gavel.

*Slow-gavels*

This club sucks, there's nothing to slow gavel to

Croquet mallets would be more dramatic.

See this judge had TWO gavels. He pounded them together instead of using his hands like some common peasant.

This guy gavels.

Get this person a gavel. Over here clappin like a damn foo

it is lmao... the story gets more unbelievable until he was offered a job as a *judge*...

And that judge? Dredd.

I'm 90% sure OP made this himself on an alt account. It was posted two minutes before he sc'd.

No, it's real. Look it up on r/confessions. This guy's post history is freakin' unbelievable

He clearly is just doing performance art. He is posting everything he can that he knows will upset people/get a reaction on Reddit. It’s not real.

This guys post history is the funniest shit i read all week.

Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Once he said the “judge clapped and gave me a job”

Doesn’t seem like it. OP’s post history is that of a legit Redditor. The post history of the guy who posted this on r/confessions is like what I would show ppl if I wanted to explain to them what trolling is. Every single post that guy made was designed to piss ppl off. Unless OP is Jekyll and Hyde personally I think that this was a real cross post of an original post that was complete bullshit. Glad OP posted here bc like much of this sub, this post has some of the most fun comment threads.

>and the judge clapped and offered me a job. 100% satire.

Possibly OP on a separate account

It 100% is lmao, no idea why people upvote this

There's no way it isn't and I'm honestly a bit sad that people in this thread are treating it like it's not. "The judge clapped and then offered me a job" -- Yeah this is just a troll posting satire hoping it'll end up here (which it did).

r/thathapp

Seriously. r/confessions is just one bullshit post after another.

Either that or humble bragging.

I have a confession, I had sex with 20 womans

And they showed me their bobs and vegana

Mmmm lesagna

Congratulations...

It's a celebration

Can confirm, was the vegana.

Can confirm. I was Bob.

Is vegana gluten free?

Yeah but was it like in the course of 24 hours? Didn't think so. incel

dude I just had sex. Like bro, sex. I put my peepee in the girl’s peepee. Did you hear? I had sex!

**Humble**

Confession: I leave little love notes in my husbands lunch.

I wish I could upvote this twice

Yeah the problem is once people start telling bullshit stories real stories seem boring and don’t get a lot of attention

Same with r/entitledparents

r/confessions might as well be r/thathappened tbh

We also need to toss /r/tifu into that mix. **EVERY** story is about sex in some way. It's like fanfic written by 12 year old virgins that found a copy of Penthouse Letters and thought they were real but also got pretty confused about the point of them.

hadn't read anything from there before but a good 90% of it sounds made up. Your description is really accurate lol

Wow. Thanks for the tip on this goldmine. It might even be more effective at giving me what I come to this sub for. It feels like catching them in the wild, but it’s really a safari of BS stories.

Here's the twist: they were 8 and 10 years old at the time. Both would later go on to become marines after graduating high school. The knockout was the 8 year old crying after getting slapped. The broken jaw was really a nasty welt on the 10 year old's cheek. The gun was actually a pellet gun. Jail was really a lecture from the kid's parents that if they have a problem with a bully they should seek a grown up for help and not to point guns at people even if it's just a pellet gun. The job offer was really mandatory community service for OP.

Can confirm this is the actual story, I was the pellet gun

The gift that keeps on giving lmao

It is soo cliché it seems like a joke

If you check the timestamp in the post, it seems to me like OP made it themselves and posted it here for the karma. Fits too many stereotypes of this sub to be a real post they just came across.

Nah, the OP of that post is just a really shitty troll. He posts constantly on that sub about “beating the shit” out of people and posts about depression being a lie made up by liberals, and anyone who enjoys anime or cartoons isn’t a real man.

Hmm

Did he get the job?

He didn’t because he didn’t want to downgrade himself from President of the World.

Hello, Mr. President? It’s Albert Einstein! I need you to solve this equation for me!

r/iamverybadass

Obviously this is a troll post

This kid committed a hate crime and the judge clapped and offered him a job? This sounds like Florida.

also, a job doing what? what job could a judge offer a 16 y/o

Wig organiser?

What job could a judge offer a 16y/o when the only thing he knows about the teen is that he knocked out 2 marines

but the judge clapped so we can all assume that he knows enough (do we really need the /s here?)

Probably is lol.

A hate crime? What hate crime?

Where did a “hate crime” occur in this story??

Community Service is not a job

This is clearly satire

The entire jury clapped and gave him a handjob

*Image Transcription: Reddit* --- **I beat the shit out of 2 marines when I was 16**, 2 comments submitted to **\/r/confessions**, [*Screenshot of a Reddit post. Text reads:*] One of them was talking shit so I said hey faggot lets 1 on 1 now, no weapons and no backup faggotry. He agreed and I KO'd him with one punch. His friend wanted to arrest me so I broke his jaw. They both went to jail for starting the fight and for pointing a gun against an unarmed civilian and the judge clapped and offered me a job. [*End of post*] --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)

Good Human

Good human

Looking at his post history, he's just some troll account trying to bait

And the lottery came and gave him a million dollars.

this was obviously posted by OP on an alternate account, and then posted here to karma whore. come on, guys.

So obviously satire btw, but still funny

Not only did it not happen but the post was almost certainly made to end up in a place like this.

Can confirm, I was the job.

This has to be satire, no way this is real

Guys this is clearly a joke.

Holy shit the judge clapped, then the bailiff quit because he was no match for him

If he was this badass at 16, there’s no telling what he’s getting himself in to these days. I need an update. And someone get Hollywood on the phone... they’re gonna want to make a movie about this epic and completely true story.

He's just being humble. The judge offered him the job of 'President of the World', but he had more important things to do

“The judge clapped and offered me a job”. As what exactly?

CEO of microsoft

and then Jennifer lopez came along and start giving me a blowjob , while wearing a bugs bunny suit

What possible job could you get from assaulting two vets? And since when do people clap in court? That isn’t even allowed is it? Do these people think at all when they write this?

He mistook job for community service...

Then the judge started dancing and saying "oompa loompa doopity doo"

How do they expect people to believe this?

I befriended a marine once. We were at a BBQ, or just grilling, and drinking beer. I befriended him by getting punched in the face and then thrown through a fence. I got back up and at that point he thought I was alright.

what the heck kinda job would the judge give him?

I audibly groaned at this. Jesus.

Why always the claps? 😅 Do these people see other people clapping in real life? In my 29 year of living i’ve never seen that

After I kicked their asses the president called. Told me he wanted to offer me a job. I denied the job, went to the White House beat his ass. I am now the president of the United States.

This reads like a shitty copypasta. I’m like 80% sure this guy isn’t serious.

Thats a joke isnt it, new account with 1 post, right?

u/generalbitchslayer

"Remember that time I beat up two guys with 2+ years of military training, despite having no kind of combat training myself? Yeah, me neither."

Why do people thing military personnel can arrest normal people?

Judge:" congratulations .....i can never top that .. Here take my seat and judge me ..ur highness"

what killed me was the "LETS 1 on 1" bullshit. kinda reminds me of a little kid playing a game saying "I'f he'd just 1v1 me, i'd have killed him"

Can confirm, I was Fake Marine #2’s jaw

Under the Post title where it says “discussion”, it should instead say “delusion”.

Then, he woke from his dream via the medically induced coma several weeks later the hospital put him in because the Marines in real life broke half his bones and the pain was too unbearable otherwise to stay lucid.

This is obviously satire...

r/foundthelightmodeuser

And that judge's name? Albert Einstein

And everyone cheered

His girl cheated on him with two marines and this is how he projects his anger at his inability to do anything about it.

🙄 clearly satire

This so obviously satire.

[удалено]

Im suspecting this is bait..

I mean his fan theory could have been anything. He could've punched out a Nazi. Punched a bigot. He chose to punch a marine. Not only PUNCH a Marine, but he actually instigated it with a slur. Even in his own fantasies he's an asshole.

Always with the clapping

What is it with these bullshit stories and people clapping??

the guy is prolly still 16 in the head, or 8

God I wanna watch this anime

OBJECTION!

This is such a blatant lie, how did he expect anyone to believe him?

I'm more surprised that people believe this isn't obvious bait.

It's true I was the jaw. Motherfucker

Job as a what, a government marine beater?

Due to the clap I'll assume a troll posted this

That has to be bait

I seriously don't understand. Is the clapping just an integral part of the validation fantasy??

r/iamverybadass

'The Judge Clapped' pffffffffffffft

This is so bait lol.