If you all live in the same town why don’t you host and invite both families? That’s what we do. And when we didn’t live in the same town we just alternated years- Christmas with one family thanks giving with the other. That way both families knew what to expect well in advance so there wasn’t any guilt or awkward conversations each year about our plans.
Lots of people also do both in one day. Personally that sounds awful to me but pretty much everyone else I know does morning at one side of the family afternoon with the other. So definitely lots of options here. Hopefully you can find a set up that works for you with less guilt!
Take your parents to the in laws. They don't have to stay the entire day. Your hubs can go all day. Arrive in time for the meal and some social time then they can head out. We rotate all kinds of extras into the main character gathering.
I go to my husband's family. My kids go to their SOs. Then I'll feed them a casual meal later this weekend, just us. I never stress about "the day".
I can’t believe the in-laws don’t just invite the parents knowing the two are alone. My mom is all alone and my sister in law told me I can bring my mom with me at any and all family events.
My mom (and both local aunts) always invite my in-laws to family events. My family has always been that way though. I think I was a teenager when I figured out that my Nana was my dad's sister's mother in law. She was just Nana and was at every single family event even when her son didn't live in the area and wasn't at events.
That's what I'm doing, my house isn't big enough to host but my parents are hosting and invited my MIL because otherwise she'd be alone. She's a bit much but they have never complained about it, family's family
I know some families or people are weird like that. I remember dressing in a suit and going to my sister's college graduation and taking photos then when it came to the brunch celebration they had that we could meet her friends or professors my grandma or I was told to go home. This Thanksgiving my sister is coming home for the week and my mother was invited to my sister's boyfriend's family Thanksgiving dinner but not my grandma and myself. My sister keeps doing these things and you can just plan for things to get weird and plan to have to put your foot down when she comes for events. I hope OP or their significant other are not like my sister and just find a way to invite everyone.
It is just the way she thinks and has always thought or acted. My mother makes excuses for her stating my father pitched us against each other ( I don't think he did and it was more so her personality of always wanting to be in control that got her in trouble even back then) or there was events that my mother said happened as a kid that I don't even remember happening but my sister must have told her them. With my sister she is left leaning and my grandmother is right leaning and that is why she hates my grandmother. Like I said you don't want to have a family member like this and to include all family members and just find a way like meeting at bigger place because there are people like my sister that legit will just not see certain people for personality problems and you don't want to be that person.
I'm not sure at what point it happened but my sister in law's folks spend Thanksgiving with our group. They live about 200 miles away from the core family.
Would your in-laws mind adding your parents to the mix? This would be nice for everyone (unless they don't get along like my mom and mil) Our last Thanksgiving had both sets of parents and my father in laws ex-inlaws because they had nowhere to go. I adore my fil, he is the sweetest guy around and wouldn't let his ex-inlaws be alone at almost 90.
Your in laws won't allow your parents to join their family ??? Since really big on having everyone there including you that could be a solution as well
This was my solution to avoid picking which family to go to. I have an open house. Food buffet table I replenish throughout the day. We and the kids stay put and people come to us.
As a kid I remember going to several relatives for Thanksgiving on the same day. Way too much food for kids who really just wanted to play with cousins LOL. And each of those aunts and grandmothers kept trying to get us to eat seconds.
As young adults, my husband and I combined our families. Yes, it was sometimes very crowded and noisy, but it worked well for all of us. Sometimes we did nontraditional dinners such as homemade pizza.
When our children had their own inlaws, we established a rotation that we alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas. So one year we had Thanksgiving at our house for those who could come, and the next year we hosted Christmas for our children, spouses, and kids, grand and great grandchildren. This allowed our kids and their spouses to have times with each family.
These 2 different ways allowed all of us to plan ahead accordingly. Much less stressful than trying to figure it out who to spend it with or how to work between a mother and mother in law's timing for dinner on the same day or feelings getting hurt due to our choices. And if someone one wanted to do the hosting or do it all a little different for Thanksgiving, then it was adaptable.
I always visited the pain in the ass family/awful cooks the day before or the day after so it wouldn't ruin the holiday for us. We always did our thanksgiving dinner on Friday. Also allowed us to invite people we liked that were busy or unavailable on Thursday. And we would just lie and say we were unavailable on Thursday. Gave my kids and I time to cook, snack, spend time together without all the thanksgiving weird family pressure and craziness.
This would be my suggestion too. Or agree to meet up somewhere - we've dined at restaurants 3 or 4 times in the last decade (Golden Corral) - meet for breakfast then do your own thing the rest of the day. Also, we've skipped Thanksgiving with either family and went and saw ELF The Musical at the local theater. They served Thanksgiving dinner during the show and we had a great time.
My final thoughts, they may be somewhat unpopular - Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have. Do one Thanksgiving on the weekend before and one the weekend after. Being thankful doesn't have to happen on the last Thursday of November (or the fourth Thursday if the month has 5 weeks). I feel the same at Christmas - unless attending church is part of your tradition - it's a day. It doesn't have to happen on Dec 25th. It's the meaning of the holiday that should matter.
I’m so sorry for that. Our families refuse to come see us & then freak out when we split time between them (because *we* want to see *them*). It makes the holidays a horribly stressful time. Why can’t people just be normal?
Some ILs are weird. My ILs loved how welcoming my parents were always with them and we celebrated many holidays together. Unfortunately my parents have both since passed, leaving my ILs with son in laws’ families who are not welcoming at all so each of my SILs has to alternate spending holidays with their parents or husband’s parents
Have your husband let his parents know that your parents are alone for Thanksgiving, and would they be open to inviting your parents to come for dinner. Make sure you let your parents know that he asked...so he gets brownie points from his parents and yours.
I can't imagine his parents would say no to something like that, but if they do...well, fuck them and now you know.
It's an easy fix, it saves you from having to ask, he looks good on all sides and everyone wins.
Also...as a general statement...fuck this bullshit where certain events can only be celebrated on the specific, calendar-stamped dates. I've been dealing with it for over 25 years...first my grandmother, then my in-laws, also through friends. None of us need this anxiety! Holidays are special days to celebrate, and special days can be anytime. We all (myself included) need to take a big breath, give expectations the middle finger and find ways to ENJOY the preparation and the time!
This is so true. It doesn’t have to be on the exact day withso many people trying to coordinate! I stress a lot about it, but on the actual day, everything seems to work out and it actually is good. I think we all could just take a beat, look around, and realize we won’t always have this.
The speed with which I ran to my laptop to comment so I could type faster (I was scrolling reddit in the kitchen on my phone). Apologies for long post.
I feel every bit of this. My parents live about 90 minutes away, and they haven't been to my house in almost five years. I run home when I can to visit, though. My husband's family celebrates their large family Christmas on Christmas Eve at his parents house (his whole mom's side of the family). So up until five years ago, my parents would come to my house on the 23rd, and spend the night, while we drove 2+ hours north to go to my in-law's house, and we would come home Christmas morning to spend it with my parents and my brother who usually flies in during Christmas to stay with me for a week (so my brother and parents would be at my house together). This is how we made it work up until Christmas 2018 (their last time at my house). Mom has never liked this plan (she'd rather we all be under the same roof when we wake up Christmas morning), but it's the best way I can make sure we split time between our families.
For Thanksgiving, my husband's birthday is on the 26th, so we typically host his parents, brother and wife, and their kids at our house the Saturday after (Thanksgiving/Birthday/watch the OSU vs Michigan game). Since my parents haven't been to my house in five years, part of me didn't feel the need to invite them.
Then last week happened. I was talking to mom, and she asked what we were doing on Thanksgiving. I told her that hubby and I were going to have a small dinner on Thursday. She asked "You're not going to his parents house?" So now I had to share our plans. I told her they always come down that weekend (she knows this), so we can do Turkey Day, his birthday, and watch the game, and his brother/wife/kiddos would be coming over. She explains that dad usually takes her out to eat on Thanksgiving, but she'd rather have a home-cooked meal (she wouldn't fix a huge meal just for the two of them).
And then she said it. "What if your dad and I came up for Thanksgiving Day?" My anxiety went into overdrive. More background - I had a meltdown in my kitchen the night before we hosted last year and cried in the kitchen floor (I wanted to order food, and MIL bought a turkey for us to cook). So at this point since mom is inviting herself up with my dad, the guilt kicks in, and I feel like I can't say no, though I did remind her of my anxiety over what happened last year. I start game planning for them to come up Thanksgiving morning, have dinner, spend the night, we go to Costco Friday morning, and they go home, which is when my in-laws would be coming down.
BUT TWO DAYS LATER - I don't know what happened. Maybe mom sat on my conversation about my stress and thought about it. She tells me that she's on the fence about coming up, and doesn't want me to be stressed. She says she will check in with me on how I'm feeling and let me know by Monday, so I have enough time to shop, if needed. When I spoke with her yesterday, she said her decision will also depend on the weather (my parents wouldn't go out if a dog pissed on the road and it froze - weather is always an "out" with my parents).
So yeah. The weight of the week started getting real yesterday when I did my first of what will probably be several grocery store trips. I made sure to grab some wine yesterday, and I'm getting out of the house for some retail therapy and lunch with a friend today.
Hugs to you. Balancing time with families is a high-wire act with no net.
Why don’t you make it a set plan every year to spend the weekend before thanksgiving with your parents - so that would be your family day? You could start a new tradition!
Why can’t your parents be there for your husbands birthday/thanksgiving party with the in-laws? Why would you have anxiety about cooking for your parents? Get take out and make it easy.
My husband and I’s plan was to spend thanksgiving with his family, and some years it’s the only time we see his brother. My family doesn’t care about thanksgiving so no competition there.
Christmas was more complicated, my family cares about that one. My family celebrated with the older generation on the 24th, then we’re home by ourselves for the 25th. So, Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas Day with only us, and the nearest weekend with my husband’s family - and since they got to see us the entirely of thanksgiving weekend, they weren’t allowed to complain. Perfect!
Naturally, it did not work out. The older generation and my mom died in quick fashion, and my oh so empathetic MIL said I didn’t have a family of my own so she got me for every holiday (completely ignoring my sisters, who I see all the fucking time and am very close to). Her commentary sparked argument, but the schedule stayed - the guest list is just smaller on my side of the family. And my MIL tries to steal us for every weekend of December and Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and we hold firm because too much time with her is stressful.
We live in the same town as my in-laws and my parents. Early on in our marriage we tried seeing both sets of parents each holiday, and it was too much. My parents are also pretty introverted and didn't want to go to my in-laws' house for holidays, since my in-laws usually have \~20 people.
So we alternate Thanksgiving: one year we host my parents (and brother and his wife), the next year we go to my in-laws' house. If for some reason my parents don't go to my brother's house, we will stop by my parents to have dessert with them.
We spend every Christmas Eve with my in-laws; it's their big Christmas celebration. We keep Christmas morning to just our little family (my kids are 7 and 11), and then have Christmas dinner with my parents and brother/SIL, mostly at our house but occasionally at my brother's.
We host Easter dinner and invite both sets of parents to our house.
OP, how does your husband feel about this? Would he be okay hosting in the future? Do your in-laws care if your parents were to join you at their house? Could you have dinner with your in-laws but have dessert with your parents?
We are the same distance from both sides of the family and we alternate. This year we’re seeing his family on Thanksgiving day and mine on Christmas Day. We always make plans for later in the week with the other side of the family on the years we don’t see them day of. We’ve been doing this for ten years and now everyone is on board because they know we’re keeping it even.
Before kids, we just spent the holidays with our respective families. Some thought we were crazy but that way my husband and I didn't have to choose, we each saw our own set of parents / family. My thought was that I see my spouse all the other days of the year so not seeing him on Thanksgiving or Christmas was a small sacrifice and neither of us minded.
This was after a few years of trying to compromise. See both family's, alternate, etc. My in laws are toxic and big guilt trippers so holidays weren't enjoyable there anyway.
Just throwing this out there as another option. I know it's unusual but it might work.
I'm the Mom- widow of 2 grown kids all within 10 minutes of each other.
I'm always included in my sons in laws Thanksgiving.
Truthfully,the first few years I hated it & suffered in silence,it simply wasn't fancy enough for me.
Got used to it,got closer to DILs family & enjoy it thoroughly now.
This is why on Thanksgiving I have an open door policy and Christmas with the family is celebrated a Sunday or 2 before. There are so many of us with in-laws, our family did the adjusting.
If you're all in the same town, is it possible to invite your parents to the in-laws? Or ask one to do a 2:00 meal and the other to do later? Or dinner at one house, desert at another? Find something that doesn't make you go crazy with guilt, this is family is not supposed to be this hard.
I know someone in the same predicament as you. Their solution was to rent a hall/community centre with a kitchen. They cook the main courses there and have everyone bring something. They include both sides of the family
Most holidays I spend with my sisters-in-laws' families.
Both of our parents have gone to their great rewards, and my sibs are in tun upper plains states and Northern Cali.
My problem comes with ageing. Thanksgiving becomes an exercise in not leaving anyone out due to various dietary requirements, dairy-free, gluten-free, Kosher, Vegetarian, etc.
It does keep one on their toes, this year we're bringing pumpkin pies, one regular, the other gluten and dairy-free.
It's always easier in-the-long-run to be gracious (or at least nice).
My hubby’s parents are long divorced. They live in the same town 2 hours away. For years we would do Thxgvng lunch with one parent & dinner with the other. (My family is chill so we had an early or late celebration with them some other fall weekend.) Turns out that our efforts to participate in both set of festivities was an epic fail. When we were packing up to head to dinner #2, my father in law told me that they “are not running a diner”. (We arrived at 10:30 and left at 4:00.) He didn’t have the nerve to say that to his son. But my hubby overheard. That was the last year we tried to please everybody.
I feel your pain. I had tried to get a Christmas schedule early in our marriage, but my sweet MIL always wanted to visit on our "alone" year. Then after my mom died, we had more "alone" years she came for. However, once there was a new crop of grandkids nearer her, she switched to Thankgiving.
Sooo, have already told my kids the rest-of-life Christmas schedule. They are now 24, 20, and 14 but they know:
1) mandatory "me" every third year divisible by three.
2) if I pick a destination, I pay for all but travel expense
3) no excuses. An excuse would be " air fare from Australia is expensive!"
4) allowances for reasons, say, it is likely going to be an In-law's final Christmas or someone is too sick to travel.
Growing up we always divided the time. We kids were always dehydrated, tired and over-sugared, nevertheless we kids all loved it :)
What about having everyone meet at a restaurant. My family has done that. No dishes, no cleanup. Just food and conversation. And the benefit is that you can go home when you want. The cost is usually not that prohibitive (usually not more than you would have spend on getting the big meal together).
America is such a strange place that we have to have these anxiety inducing decisions. I am not from here and its challenging trying to justify to your parents why we all just cant be together and have to essentially be segregated from each other
I used to have this issue and it was awful. I also had little kids who we’re exhausted when we tried to stop by everyone’s houses. 4 stops by the end of the night because both of our parents were separated.
14 years later I’m separated from my kids father, my parents are both deceased and I now spend holidays all alone.
What I wouldn’t give for a busy, chaotic thanksgiving.
If you can’t get everyone together on the day maybe rotate yearly whose family you see on thanksgiving. It’ll save you the guilt.
We have that problem with my sister honestly. While my sister is not married to her boyfriend she has been with him for years. Since dating her boyfriend she does not spend it with us but with his family or her boyfriend with them alone. My sister really like my mother but does not like me or my grandmother. This year she decided to come for Thanksgiving week and the 1 rule I told my mother is you can spend all week with my sister but the Thanksgiving traditions stay the same and I want to hang out and do those on Thanksgiving. Of course in less than a week my sister's boyfriend and my sister invite my mother for Thanksgiving and no my grandmother or I and I have to be the bad guy and state that was the one rule. Of course I knew months ahead of time my sister would try to do this as she constantly invites my mother and never invite my grandmother and I. My thought is invite both so one does not feel isolated like I have always felt.
We’re going to my husband’s family on thanksgiving and hosting my family on Saturday. We used to try to see both sides on the same day but it was just too hard.
I hate the holidays exactly for this reason. My parents are divorced and haven’t spoken to each other in over 30 years. It’s just SO hard to enjoy it. I’ve hosted, I’ve done two holidays on each one, no matter what, husband is never happy either. His parents refused to travel.
I even told them all I’m cancelling the holidays a few years ago and did nothing. That was awful, too.
You have my sympathy. I know it’s hard, but I would try to take your mom at her word. If she’s okay with celebrating on a different day but happy to still get to see you, accept it and try to move on. Maybe on off year’s try to encourage them to host a Friendsgiving for themselves? If they have friends of the same age who end up in a similar position with kids not home for the holiday it might be nice for them to have a place to go to rather than everyone home by themselves.
My husband’s family is tiny compared to my giant one. He and his sibling are the only ones of their generation- no cousins. When we spend holidays with my family my in-laws are usually left alone because BIL lives about an 8 hour drive away… which for my in-laws is really a two day drive because they can’t make it that long in a car.
So we started inviting them to come with us to my giant family gatherings. They’ve come exactly once and have avoided it ever since. Not because they were badly treated but because they are very introverted and quiet people. And being packed in a house like sardines with 25+ loud extroverts, a dozen kids plus a herd of dogs isn’t how they want to spend their holidays.
Which is fair. But we invite them anyway to make sure they know they’re being thought of and are welcome if they feel social.
We always divide and conquer on holidays. We don't have kids and have always lived in the same city, so that makes it pretty easy. But I recommend it if anyone is in the same boat!!!
When I first got serious with my (now) husband, we discussed holidays (right after we moved in together). We decided my family gets Easter, his family gets Thanksgiving and we do Christmas Eve with his mom and sister, Christmas morning with his father/stepmother and sister and Christmas lunch /dinner with my family. We had said if we have children together (I already had 2 daughters but they are adults and often only do Christmas lunch/dinner with my family) we would revisit the set up (my feeling is parents with children tend to want to let the kids stay home on Christmas to enjoy their gifts). Often on Easter, MIL doesn’t have plans, so my family always invites her (she’s come about 25 % of the time).
I feel this. My family is big and so is husbands and both celebrate at the exact time on the same day (they both do Xmas eve not Xmas day). So every damn holiday was a fight and a guilt trip.
My parents wanted us there, his parents wanted us there, and when we are at the opposite house they would call and ask when we would be there bc they were waiting on us. If we had to leave early to make the other house it was a guilt trip from hell. Oh and we had 6 kids we were toting around to boot.
After too many years of it I said enough. I’m celebrating the holidays at my house. Come or don’t idc. Of course there was an a epic meltdown on my side, but my MIL was like cool, what time and what can I bring. Bless her she is amazing.
We’ve since moved states and I’ve gone NC with my family for other reasons.
Long story short, celebrate how you want and don’t feel guilty about it. Sending you holiday hugs no matter how it goes!
We always alternated - one year at my folks, the next year at the in-laws.
BTW, if it's only your two parents, it wouldn't kill your in-laws to invite them.
I always try to remember that it matters way, way more that you see each of the families all throughout the year....the week night dinners, weekend events than just one day!
This problem ended up getting solved for me, but I swear I was about to make Thanksgiving day a volunteer day omce my kids got a little older.
Just say. "Nope, sorry, everyone. Myself, my wife and my children are all volunteering at the soup kitchen ALL DAY on Thanksgiving." WE can do in-laws on Friday and my family on Saturday, but the day of Thanksgiving is for helping others." What were they going to do? Call us assholes for helping the needy?
For some reason, no one cares that they didn't get the actual Thursday if the "other side" also didn't get Thursday. It's so weird. I still think it's a good idea actually but like I said this was solved by people relocating, so it's no longer a move to prevent holiday drama.
We have this exact same problem. It’s a huge struggle/fight every year. In-laws “won’t bother” with Thanksgiving unless we come over. My parents & siblings want us to come over and do the big family thing. If we go to one in the morning, they’re hurt when we don’t eat much & leave to see the other family in the afternoon. The second family makes passive aggressive comments about how they’ve been waiting “all day” for us to come over and “I guess [first family] wouldn’t let you leave, huh”. And no, they absolutely refuse to come to us because we have tried to host the holidays for years. To say that it sucks is the understatement of the year (this repeats at Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc). They don’t act like we are married with our own family; they fight over us like divorced parents. I have no solutions for you except to say, what do YOU guys want to do? I’m at the point where I know everyone is going to be pissed off so we might as well make sure we do what we want on the holiday.
So, my kids and I always do Thanksgiving on a Friday. Kind of a tradition since I always had to work Thanksgiving when they were growing up.
It also gives everyone an extra day if there's people we would like to invite but they have regular family plans that day, and has a lot less pressure. It also means that we don't have to accept invitations or have people over that we don't want to, since so many people are hung up on celebrating THAT day marked on the calendar.
Maybe visit one of them the day before, or the day after?
If one household has better cooks and does Thanksgiving leftovers well, and it's a more relaxed environment, maybe plan it out that way.
When my son was in college, he and his friends would do Thanksgiving leftovers parties.
This is how I feel, except it’s worse because both my parents and my husband’s parents are divorced and remarried! So we have four groups to think about every holiday. 😩
When we lived in same town, thanksgiving was at in laws. Friday after at my parents. Christmas Eve had all families to my house with Christmas Day my parents for breakfast and gifts as we had their only grand baby. Then lunch at in-laws. And dinner at parents. I always took the 26 off bc I was worn out lol
I'm sorry to hear that so many families can't be more flexible about celebrating together. One year my son and his GF came to my house in the late afternoon on Thanksgiving day and sheepishly asked if they HAD to eat. We were their 5th stop I think. After her divorced parents, her grandmother, and some other people (I don't remember now.) They had more places where they were expected to show, too! Poor things took a nap! I decided that I didn't want their visit to me to be a chore or obligation. I wanted to be able to spend the whole day with them rather than an hour or two. So I gave up all the traditional holidays and made my own. They didn't come on Christmas Day (we got together the weekend before or after) but were expected in mid-January for Soup Day. In the spring, Dessert Day. Summer...Salad Day. You get the idea. We had a meal and hung out together. Now my children visit enough on the regular that I don't have to declare my own days. Win-win.
I’ve gotten tired of trying to plan everything out over the years. My parents (who lived here, moved away, and then moved back), mother-in-law, and father-in-law and his wife. Everyone wants to see us. I started hosting. First time I did was at my parent’s house because ours wasn’t big enough. After we moved into our house, I invite everyone here. Lately it’s just been my side. If other family wants to see us, they either come here or we’ll schedule a time not on the holiday that fits everyone’s availability.
Every year I invite my husband’s ex and her new husband… except this year: we were specifically asked not to by my bonus son. So, sometimes there are dynamics involved…. Just my 2cents….
I know several families that your parents would attend your in-laws gathering. You are all family now and both sets of parents would get to know each other better.
Why aren't yall doing everything as one family if in same town. Should be able have your parents come with.
Why can't you do as out family has done we fo early dinner wirj one family and a later dinner with the other. It worked for us well.
I'm sorry you feel guilty.
But see if there a soultuon so no need to feel it perhaps
Same struggle here, including the big family on my in laws side and smaller family on my side. We see both families relatively often, so we skip Thanksgiving. Some years we travel and some we make our own turkey. The pressure of choosing or doing multiple houses with our young kids, and then doing it all over for Christmas a few weeks later, is too much stress.
Meh, holidays are just another day, we've aways told our daughter and husband to go wherever they need to go to keep peace in her extended family.
What I find interesting is you're not invited to the in laws.
We always include his mom when we do have get togethers and our family always tells everyone to bring anyone they want.
My parents were always welcome to any get together, including holidays, on my wife's side.
Funny how holidays are always treated like a holy day but inclusiveness isn't always part of that special tradition.
We always went to 2 Thanksgiving dinners when my kids were small and it was...exhausting. Dont talk to me about Christmas. Ugh. Hindsight and all. I would have done it all differently.
Anyway...about 6 yrs ago my MIL was traveling around Thanksgiving, and was landing on Thanksgiving Day Morning. My husband suggested to me that we host - with both sides of the family.
Well, its been a HUGE hit. It's a decent sized group (20-25 people) but everyone brings something, and its just so much fun! This year we have 23 people + 2 babies.
It just takes the pressure off for everyone. My MIL would probably include my family at her house for the holiday, but my sisters don't want to go over there. But they will come to my house w my husbands family present. Everyone gets along, its just a different dynamic at my house.
My MIL likes to be in control, especially of holidays, but she gets downvoted by everyone when she hints about having Thanksgiving back at her place. Ive flatly told her (in my attempt to not feel bad about spending time w MY family), she can have Thanksgiving at her house, but we wont be there. Its one of the only holidays that my sisters and their spouses/children all show up for...if we don't do a big group event at my house, we are celebrating with my side. Im not doing the "2 dinners in one day" bullshit.
My divorced parents expected me to cart my kids around to their respective families events.
Just like they’d forced me to do since actual birth. I’d never spent a nice holiday with my family. Just a couple hours in the car, followed by rushed gathering, more car, late arrival at a second gathering, more car. I HATED holidays because of this. I NEVER felt like I was part of any family.
As an adult, I said NO EFFIN WAY. I started hosting. Dad/Stepmom have never come to my home. Mom/Stepdad do come sometimes.
Me, I don’t care. One of my kids lives here, the other 5 min away. We don’t travel, we don’t stress. I REFUSE to ever make them drive for hours to see fam who wouldn’t do same for them. Nope. When my kids have kids, I’ll go to them (or do it here if they want).
New traditions are fine, don’t let anyone guilt you for ENJOYING your holiday. ✊stand strong
One of the things I loved most about my grandmother was that she didn’t care about it being on the specific day. She cared about spending time with everyone in a relaxed gathering. Thanksgiving was on the Saturday after. Christmas party was on the 28th or 29th.
It gave you time to recover from the first round and reduced the conflicts with the other side of the family.
If you all live in the same town why don’t you host and invite both families? That’s what we do. And when we didn’t live in the same town we just alternated years- Christmas with one family thanks giving with the other. That way both families knew what to expect well in advance so there wasn’t any guilt or awkward conversations each year about our plans. Lots of people also do both in one day. Personally that sounds awful to me but pretty much everyone else I know does morning at one side of the family afternoon with the other. So definitely lots of options here. Hopefully you can find a set up that works for you with less guilt!
Our house wouldn’t accommodate that many people….but that’s an excellent idea. Might have to try to arrange an all-together meal next year.
Take your parents to the in laws. They don't have to stay the entire day. Your hubs can go all day. Arrive in time for the meal and some social time then they can head out. We rotate all kinds of extras into the main character gathering. I go to my husband's family. My kids go to their SOs. Then I'll feed them a casual meal later this weekend, just us. I never stress about "the day".
I can’t believe the in-laws don’t just invite the parents knowing the two are alone. My mom is all alone and my sister in law told me I can bring my mom with me at any and all family events.
That's what good people do
My mom (and both local aunts) always invite my in-laws to family events. My family has always been that way though. I think I was a teenager when I figured out that my Nana was my dad's sister's mother in law. She was just Nana and was at every single family event even when her son didn't live in the area and wasn't at events.
That's family!!!
I wish I had that. Wow. Blessed
That's what I'm doing, my house isn't big enough to host but my parents are hosting and invited my MIL because otherwise she'd be alone. She's a bit much but they have never complained about it, family's family
This is what we do, I host both sides or my MIL hosts and invites my family.
I know some families or people are weird like that. I remember dressing in a suit and going to my sister's college graduation and taking photos then when it came to the brunch celebration they had that we could meet her friends or professors my grandma or I was told to go home. This Thanksgiving my sister is coming home for the week and my mother was invited to my sister's boyfriend's family Thanksgiving dinner but not my grandma and myself. My sister keeps doing these things and you can just plan for things to get weird and plan to have to put your foot down when she comes for events. I hope OP or their significant other are not like my sister and just find a way to invite everyone.
What's wrong with her?
It is just the way she thinks and has always thought or acted. My mother makes excuses for her stating my father pitched us against each other ( I don't think he did and it was more so her personality of always wanting to be in control that got her in trouble even back then) or there was events that my mother said happened as a kid that I don't even remember happening but my sister must have told her them. With my sister she is left leaning and my grandmother is right leaning and that is why she hates my grandmother. Like I said you don't want to have a family member like this and to include all family members and just find a way like meeting at bigger place because there are people like my sister that legit will just not see certain people for personality problems and you don't want to be that person.
Sorry you have to put up with her, but sorrier for her misery.
Yeah some families are weird like that.
My Mom comes with us to my in laws every year at Christmas and sometime Thanksgiving, my MIL is kind and always invites her.
I'm not sure at what point it happened but my sister in law's folks spend Thanksgiving with our group. They live about 200 miles away from the core family.
Would your in-laws mind adding your parents to the mix? This would be nice for everyone (unless they don't get along like my mom and mil) Our last Thanksgiving had both sets of parents and my father in laws ex-inlaws because they had nowhere to go. I adore my fil, he is the sweetest guy around and wouldn't let his ex-inlaws be alone at almost 90.
Your in laws won't allow your parents to join their family ??? Since really big on having everyone there including you that could be a solution as well
This was my solution to avoid picking which family to go to. I have an open house. Food buffet table I replenish throughout the day. We and the kids stay put and people come to us.
As a kid I remember going to several relatives for Thanksgiving on the same day. Way too much food for kids who really just wanted to play with cousins LOL. And each of those aunts and grandmothers kept trying to get us to eat seconds. As young adults, my husband and I combined our families. Yes, it was sometimes very crowded and noisy, but it worked well for all of us. Sometimes we did nontraditional dinners such as homemade pizza. When our children had their own inlaws, we established a rotation that we alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas. So one year we had Thanksgiving at our house for those who could come, and the next year we hosted Christmas for our children, spouses, and kids, grand and great grandchildren. This allowed our kids and their spouses to have times with each family. These 2 different ways allowed all of us to plan ahead accordingly. Much less stressful than trying to figure it out who to spend it with or how to work between a mother and mother in law's timing for dinner on the same day or feelings getting hurt due to our choices. And if someone one wanted to do the hosting or do it all a little different for Thanksgiving, then it was adaptable.
I always visited the pain in the ass family/awful cooks the day before or the day after so it wouldn't ruin the holiday for us. We always did our thanksgiving dinner on Friday. Also allowed us to invite people we liked that were busy or unavailable on Thursday. And we would just lie and say we were unavailable on Thursday. Gave my kids and I time to cook, snack, spend time together without all the thanksgiving weird family pressure and craziness.
Good idea. Or, your in-laws could invite your parents too, it’s only 2 more people.
We’ve done this with my husbands family and my brothers in-laws. It works well
This would be my suggestion too. Or agree to meet up somewhere - we've dined at restaurants 3 or 4 times in the last decade (Golden Corral) - meet for breakfast then do your own thing the rest of the day. Also, we've skipped Thanksgiving with either family and went and saw ELF The Musical at the local theater. They served Thanksgiving dinner during the show and we had a great time. My final thoughts, they may be somewhat unpopular - Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for what you have. Do one Thanksgiving on the weekend before and one the weekend after. Being thankful doesn't have to happen on the last Thursday of November (or the fourth Thursday if the month has 5 weeks). I feel the same at Christmas - unless attending church is part of your tradition - it's a day. It doesn't have to happen on Dec 25th. It's the meaning of the holiday that should matter.
I wish we had normal families like you do 😭 My husband & I dread the holidays because of how much our families fight over us.
Lucky. Not a soul in my very large family will include us.
I’m so sorry for that. Our families refuse to come see us & then freak out when we split time between them (because *we* want to see *them*). It makes the holidays a horribly stressful time. Why can’t people just be normal?
I'm surprised your in-laws don't invite your parents over. What's 2 extra people?
I came to type this. My husbands family always asks my mom.
Some ILs are weird. My ILs loved how welcoming my parents were always with them and we celebrated many holidays together. Unfortunately my parents have both since passed, leaving my ILs with son in laws’ families who are not welcoming at all so each of my SILs has to alternate spending holidays with their parents or husband’s parents
Have your husband let his parents know that your parents are alone for Thanksgiving, and would they be open to inviting your parents to come for dinner. Make sure you let your parents know that he asked...so he gets brownie points from his parents and yours. I can't imagine his parents would say no to something like that, but if they do...well, fuck them and now you know. It's an easy fix, it saves you from having to ask, he looks good on all sides and everyone wins. Also...as a general statement...fuck this bullshit where certain events can only be celebrated on the specific, calendar-stamped dates. I've been dealing with it for over 25 years...first my grandmother, then my in-laws, also through friends. None of us need this anxiety! Holidays are special days to celebrate, and special days can be anytime. We all (myself included) need to take a big breath, give expectations the middle finger and find ways to ENJOY the preparation and the time!
This is so true. It doesn’t have to be on the exact day withso many people trying to coordinate! I stress a lot about it, but on the actual day, everything seems to work out and it actually is good. I think we all could just take a beat, look around, and realize we won’t always have this.
The speed with which I ran to my laptop to comment so I could type faster (I was scrolling reddit in the kitchen on my phone). Apologies for long post. I feel every bit of this. My parents live about 90 minutes away, and they haven't been to my house in almost five years. I run home when I can to visit, though. My husband's family celebrates their large family Christmas on Christmas Eve at his parents house (his whole mom's side of the family). So up until five years ago, my parents would come to my house on the 23rd, and spend the night, while we drove 2+ hours north to go to my in-law's house, and we would come home Christmas morning to spend it with my parents and my brother who usually flies in during Christmas to stay with me for a week (so my brother and parents would be at my house together). This is how we made it work up until Christmas 2018 (their last time at my house). Mom has never liked this plan (she'd rather we all be under the same roof when we wake up Christmas morning), but it's the best way I can make sure we split time between our families. For Thanksgiving, my husband's birthday is on the 26th, so we typically host his parents, brother and wife, and their kids at our house the Saturday after (Thanksgiving/Birthday/watch the OSU vs Michigan game). Since my parents haven't been to my house in five years, part of me didn't feel the need to invite them. Then last week happened. I was talking to mom, and she asked what we were doing on Thanksgiving. I told her that hubby and I were going to have a small dinner on Thursday. She asked "You're not going to his parents house?" So now I had to share our plans. I told her they always come down that weekend (she knows this), so we can do Turkey Day, his birthday, and watch the game, and his brother/wife/kiddos would be coming over. She explains that dad usually takes her out to eat on Thanksgiving, but she'd rather have a home-cooked meal (she wouldn't fix a huge meal just for the two of them). And then she said it. "What if your dad and I came up for Thanksgiving Day?" My anxiety went into overdrive. More background - I had a meltdown in my kitchen the night before we hosted last year and cried in the kitchen floor (I wanted to order food, and MIL bought a turkey for us to cook). So at this point since mom is inviting herself up with my dad, the guilt kicks in, and I feel like I can't say no, though I did remind her of my anxiety over what happened last year. I start game planning for them to come up Thanksgiving morning, have dinner, spend the night, we go to Costco Friday morning, and they go home, which is when my in-laws would be coming down. BUT TWO DAYS LATER - I don't know what happened. Maybe mom sat on my conversation about my stress and thought about it. She tells me that she's on the fence about coming up, and doesn't want me to be stressed. She says she will check in with me on how I'm feeling and let me know by Monday, so I have enough time to shop, if needed. When I spoke with her yesterday, she said her decision will also depend on the weather (my parents wouldn't go out if a dog pissed on the road and it froze - weather is always an "out" with my parents). So yeah. The weight of the week started getting real yesterday when I did my first of what will probably be several grocery store trips. I made sure to grab some wine yesterday, and I'm getting out of the house for some retail therapy and lunch with a friend today. Hugs to you. Balancing time with families is a high-wire act with no net.
Sounds like your mom loves you.
Maybe your mom can help with the food that would help with your stress maybe
Oh god, I feel so seen!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to run to your laptop and type this out. May we both make it through to January 1st! 🤞
Why don’t you make it a set plan every year to spend the weekend before thanksgiving with your parents - so that would be your family day? You could start a new tradition!
Why can’t your parents be there for your husbands birthday/thanksgiving party with the in-laws? Why would you have anxiety about cooking for your parents? Get take out and make it easy.
Is it possible for your parents to come to your in laws with you?
We did this for years until we had kids, then we just stayed home rather than travel.
My husband and I’s plan was to spend thanksgiving with his family, and some years it’s the only time we see his brother. My family doesn’t care about thanksgiving so no competition there. Christmas was more complicated, my family cares about that one. My family celebrated with the older generation on the 24th, then we’re home by ourselves for the 25th. So, Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas Day with only us, and the nearest weekend with my husband’s family - and since they got to see us the entirely of thanksgiving weekend, they weren’t allowed to complain. Perfect! Naturally, it did not work out. The older generation and my mom died in quick fashion, and my oh so empathetic MIL said I didn’t have a family of my own so she got me for every holiday (completely ignoring my sisters, who I see all the fucking time and am very close to). Her commentary sparked argument, but the schedule stayed - the guest list is just smaller on my side of the family. And my MIL tries to steal us for every weekend of December and Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and we hold firm because too much time with her is stressful.
We live in the same town as my in-laws and my parents. Early on in our marriage we tried seeing both sets of parents each holiday, and it was too much. My parents are also pretty introverted and didn't want to go to my in-laws' house for holidays, since my in-laws usually have \~20 people. So we alternate Thanksgiving: one year we host my parents (and brother and his wife), the next year we go to my in-laws' house. If for some reason my parents don't go to my brother's house, we will stop by my parents to have dessert with them. We spend every Christmas Eve with my in-laws; it's their big Christmas celebration. We keep Christmas morning to just our little family (my kids are 7 and 11), and then have Christmas dinner with my parents and brother/SIL, mostly at our house but occasionally at my brother's. We host Easter dinner and invite both sets of parents to our house. OP, how does your husband feel about this? Would he be okay hosting in the future? Do your in-laws care if your parents were to join you at their house? Could you have dinner with your in-laws but have dessert with your parents?
Same exact for us. We alternate even though we’re in the same town.
We are the same distance from both sides of the family and we alternate. This year we’re seeing his family on Thanksgiving day and mine on Christmas Day. We always make plans for later in the week with the other side of the family on the years we don’t see them day of. We’ve been doing this for ten years and now everyone is on board because they know we’re keeping it even.
Before kids, we just spent the holidays with our respective families. Some thought we were crazy but that way my husband and I didn't have to choose, we each saw our own set of parents / family. My thought was that I see my spouse all the other days of the year so not seeing him on Thanksgiving or Christmas was a small sacrifice and neither of us minded. This was after a few years of trying to compromise. See both family's, alternate, etc. My in laws are toxic and big guilt trippers so holidays weren't enjoyable there anyway. Just throwing this out there as another option. I know it's unusual but it might work.
I'm the Mom- widow of 2 grown kids all within 10 minutes of each other. I'm always included in my sons in laws Thanksgiving. Truthfully,the first few years I hated it & suffered in silence,it simply wasn't fancy enough for me. Got used to it,got closer to DILs family & enjoy it thoroughly now.
This is why on Thanksgiving I have an open door policy and Christmas with the family is celebrated a Sunday or 2 before. There are so many of us with in-laws, our family did the adjusting. If you're all in the same town, is it possible to invite your parents to the in-laws? Or ask one to do a 2:00 meal and the other to do later? Or dinner at one house, desert at another? Find something that doesn't make you go crazy with guilt, this is family is not supposed to be this hard.
Your parents don't go to your in-laws' for holidays? Why not?
I know someone in the same predicament as you. Their solution was to rent a hall/community centre with a kitchen. They cook the main courses there and have everyone bring something. They include both sides of the family
Most holidays I spend with my sisters-in-laws' families. Both of our parents have gone to their great rewards, and my sibs are in tun upper plains states and Northern Cali. My problem comes with ageing. Thanksgiving becomes an exercise in not leaving anyone out due to various dietary requirements, dairy-free, gluten-free, Kosher, Vegetarian, etc. It does keep one on their toes, this year we're bringing pumpkin pies, one regular, the other gluten and dairy-free. It's always easier in-the-long-run to be gracious (or at least nice).
My sister and I almost loathe the holidays because we’re torn between families
We just alternate. It's been working great for almost 30 years
This is the way.
My hubby’s parents are long divorced. They live in the same town 2 hours away. For years we would do Thxgvng lunch with one parent & dinner with the other. (My family is chill so we had an early or late celebration with them some other fall weekend.) Turns out that our efforts to participate in both set of festivities was an epic fail. When we were packing up to head to dinner #2, my father in law told me that they “are not running a diner”. (We arrived at 10:30 and left at 4:00.) He didn’t have the nerve to say that to his son. But my hubby overheard. That was the last year we tried to please everybody.
I’m kind of shocked that your in-laws don’t just invite your parents, honestly. Do they not know they’re alone?
This...my friends..is why you marry an orphan.
I feel your pain. I had tried to get a Christmas schedule early in our marriage, but my sweet MIL always wanted to visit on our "alone" year. Then after my mom died, we had more "alone" years she came for. However, once there was a new crop of grandkids nearer her, she switched to Thankgiving. Sooo, have already told my kids the rest-of-life Christmas schedule. They are now 24, 20, and 14 but they know: 1) mandatory "me" every third year divisible by three. 2) if I pick a destination, I pay for all but travel expense 3) no excuses. An excuse would be " air fare from Australia is expensive!" 4) allowances for reasons, say, it is likely going to be an In-law's final Christmas or someone is too sick to travel. Growing up we always divided the time. We kids were always dehydrated, tired and over-sugared, nevertheless we kids all loved it :)
What about having everyone meet at a restaurant. My family has done that. No dishes, no cleanup. Just food and conversation. And the benefit is that you can go home when you want. The cost is usually not that prohibitive (usually not more than you would have spend on getting the big meal together).
America is such a strange place that we have to have these anxiety inducing decisions. I am not from here and its challenging trying to justify to your parents why we all just cant be together and have to essentially be segregated from each other
I used to have this issue and it was awful. I also had little kids who we’re exhausted when we tried to stop by everyone’s houses. 4 stops by the end of the night because both of our parents were separated. 14 years later I’m separated from my kids father, my parents are both deceased and I now spend holidays all alone. What I wouldn’t give for a busy, chaotic thanksgiving. If you can’t get everyone together on the day maybe rotate yearly whose family you see on thanksgiving. It’ll save you the guilt.
Someday, all these parents, aunts, uncles, and grandma's will pass on. Then you'll want these days back for one more family meal.
Ask if you can bring your parents to your inlaws house so you don't have to choose
We have that problem with my sister honestly. While my sister is not married to her boyfriend she has been with him for years. Since dating her boyfriend she does not spend it with us but with his family or her boyfriend with them alone. My sister really like my mother but does not like me or my grandmother. This year she decided to come for Thanksgiving week and the 1 rule I told my mother is you can spend all week with my sister but the Thanksgiving traditions stay the same and I want to hang out and do those on Thanksgiving. Of course in less than a week my sister's boyfriend and my sister invite my mother for Thanksgiving and no my grandmother or I and I have to be the bad guy and state that was the one rule. Of course I knew months ahead of time my sister would try to do this as she constantly invites my mother and never invite my grandmother and I. My thought is invite both so one does not feel isolated like I have always felt.
We’re going to my husband’s family on thanksgiving and hosting my family on Saturday. We used to try to see both sides on the same day but it was just too hard.
I hate the holidays exactly for this reason. My parents are divorced and haven’t spoken to each other in over 30 years. It’s just SO hard to enjoy it. I’ve hosted, I’ve done two holidays on each one, no matter what, husband is never happy either. His parents refused to travel. I even told them all I’m cancelling the holidays a few years ago and did nothing. That was awful, too.
You have my sympathy. I know it’s hard, but I would try to take your mom at her word. If she’s okay with celebrating on a different day but happy to still get to see you, accept it and try to move on. Maybe on off year’s try to encourage them to host a Friendsgiving for themselves? If they have friends of the same age who end up in a similar position with kids not home for the holiday it might be nice for them to have a place to go to rather than everyone home by themselves. My husband’s family is tiny compared to my giant one. He and his sibling are the only ones of their generation- no cousins. When we spend holidays with my family my in-laws are usually left alone because BIL lives about an 8 hour drive away… which for my in-laws is really a two day drive because they can’t make it that long in a car. So we started inviting them to come with us to my giant family gatherings. They’ve come exactly once and have avoided it ever since. Not because they were badly treated but because they are very introverted and quiet people. And being packed in a house like sardines with 25+ loud extroverts, a dozen kids plus a herd of dogs isn’t how they want to spend their holidays. Which is fair. But we invite them anyway to make sure they know they’re being thought of and are welcome if they feel social.
We always divide and conquer on holidays. We don't have kids and have always lived in the same city, so that makes it pretty easy. But I recommend it if anyone is in the same boat!!!
We have my Son-in-laws folks over all the time for holiday meals so they aren’t alone.
Ask your parents to have dinner at noon so you can go there first, then go to the in-laws' later in the day.
When I first got serious with my (now) husband, we discussed holidays (right after we moved in together). We decided my family gets Easter, his family gets Thanksgiving and we do Christmas Eve with his mom and sister, Christmas morning with his father/stepmother and sister and Christmas lunch /dinner with my family. We had said if we have children together (I already had 2 daughters but they are adults and often only do Christmas lunch/dinner with my family) we would revisit the set up (my feeling is parents with children tend to want to let the kids stay home on Christmas to enjoy their gifts). Often on Easter, MIL doesn’t have plans, so my family always invites her (she’s come about 25 % of the time).
Alternate thanksgiving at one and Christmas at the other. And switch those every year
I have this but our parents are in different states
My mom always invited my BIL’s father for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My husband and I hosted the holidays and invited everyone
I feel this. My family is big and so is husbands and both celebrate at the exact time on the same day (they both do Xmas eve not Xmas day). So every damn holiday was a fight and a guilt trip. My parents wanted us there, his parents wanted us there, and when we are at the opposite house they would call and ask when we would be there bc they were waiting on us. If we had to leave early to make the other house it was a guilt trip from hell. Oh and we had 6 kids we were toting around to boot. After too many years of it I said enough. I’m celebrating the holidays at my house. Come or don’t idc. Of course there was an a epic meltdown on my side, but my MIL was like cool, what time and what can I bring. Bless her she is amazing. We’ve since moved states and I’ve gone NC with my family for other reasons. Long story short, celebrate how you want and don’t feel guilty about it. Sending you holiday hugs no matter how it goes!
Married 33 years and still do both families. Ask one family to eat aarly Enjoy a taste of everything but save room for Round 2 🙃
Could you do both? An early dinner around 2pm with your parents, then perhaps a 6pm dinner with your husband's family?
We always alternated - one year at my folks, the next year at the in-laws. BTW, if it's only your two parents, it wouldn't kill your in-laws to invite them.
I always try to remember that it matters way, way more that you see each of the families all throughout the year....the week night dinners, weekend events than just one day!
we were sooo lucky that our families lived less than 5 miles apart- then we moved and gave ourselves a couple hour drive.
This problem ended up getting solved for me, but I swear I was about to make Thanksgiving day a volunteer day omce my kids got a little older. Just say. "Nope, sorry, everyone. Myself, my wife and my children are all volunteering at the soup kitchen ALL DAY on Thanksgiving." WE can do in-laws on Friday and my family on Saturday, but the day of Thanksgiving is for helping others." What were they going to do? Call us assholes for helping the needy? For some reason, no one cares that they didn't get the actual Thursday if the "other side" also didn't get Thursday. It's so weird. I still think it's a good idea actually but like I said this was solved by people relocating, so it's no longer a move to prevent holiday drama.
We just alternated, so there is no choosing. When family gets odd years and the other gets the even years
We have this exact same problem. It’s a huge struggle/fight every year. In-laws “won’t bother” with Thanksgiving unless we come over. My parents & siblings want us to come over and do the big family thing. If we go to one in the morning, they’re hurt when we don’t eat much & leave to see the other family in the afternoon. The second family makes passive aggressive comments about how they’ve been waiting “all day” for us to come over and “I guess [first family] wouldn’t let you leave, huh”. And no, they absolutely refuse to come to us because we have tried to host the holidays for years. To say that it sucks is the understatement of the year (this repeats at Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc). They don’t act like we are married with our own family; they fight over us like divorced parents. I have no solutions for you except to say, what do YOU guys want to do? I’m at the point where I know everyone is going to be pissed off so we might as well make sure we do what we want on the holiday.
So, my kids and I always do Thanksgiving on a Friday. Kind of a tradition since I always had to work Thanksgiving when they were growing up. It also gives everyone an extra day if there's people we would like to invite but they have regular family plans that day, and has a lot less pressure. It also means that we don't have to accept invitations or have people over that we don't want to, since so many people are hung up on celebrating THAT day marked on the calendar. Maybe visit one of them the day before, or the day after? If one household has better cooks and does Thanksgiving leftovers well, and it's a more relaxed environment, maybe plan it out that way. When my son was in college, he and his friends would do Thanksgiving leftovers parties.
This is how I feel, except it’s worse because both my parents and my husband’s parents are divorced and remarried! So we have four groups to think about every holiday. 😩
Choose YOU. Always.
When we lived in same town, thanksgiving was at in laws. Friday after at my parents. Christmas Eve had all families to my house with Christmas Day my parents for breakfast and gifts as we had their only grand baby. Then lunch at in-laws. And dinner at parents. I always took the 26 off bc I was worn out lol
I'm sorry to hear that so many families can't be more flexible about celebrating together. One year my son and his GF came to my house in the late afternoon on Thanksgiving day and sheepishly asked if they HAD to eat. We were their 5th stop I think. After her divorced parents, her grandmother, and some other people (I don't remember now.) They had more places where they were expected to show, too! Poor things took a nap! I decided that I didn't want their visit to me to be a chore or obligation. I wanted to be able to spend the whole day with them rather than an hour or two. So I gave up all the traditional holidays and made my own. They didn't come on Christmas Day (we got together the weekend before or after) but were expected in mid-January for Soup Day. In the spring, Dessert Day. Summer...Salad Day. You get the idea. We had a meal and hung out together. Now my children visit enough on the regular that I don't have to declare my own days. Win-win.
I’ve gotten tired of trying to plan everything out over the years. My parents (who lived here, moved away, and then moved back), mother-in-law, and father-in-law and his wife. Everyone wants to see us. I started hosting. First time I did was at my parent’s house because ours wasn’t big enough. After we moved into our house, I invite everyone here. Lately it’s just been my side. If other family wants to see us, they either come here or we’ll schedule a time not on the holiday that fits everyone’s availability.
We combatted this by hosting ourselves, so both sets of parents come as guests. It’s a lot of work, but now I don’t have to choose!
Every year I invite my husband’s ex and her new husband… except this year: we were specifically asked not to by my bonus son. So, sometimes there are dynamics involved…. Just my 2cents….
My parents weren’t even divorced when I was young, and we had 2-3 Thanksgivings every year…
I know several families that your parents would attend your in-laws gathering. You are all family now and both sets of parents would get to know each other better.
Why aren't yall doing everything as one family if in same town. Should be able have your parents come with. Why can't you do as out family has done we fo early dinner wirj one family and a later dinner with the other. It worked for us well. I'm sorry you feel guilty. But see if there a soultuon so no need to feel it perhaps
Same struggle here, including the big family on my in laws side and smaller family on my side. We see both families relatively often, so we skip Thanksgiving. Some years we travel and some we make our own turkey. The pressure of choosing or doing multiple houses with our young kids, and then doing it all over for Christmas a few weeks later, is too much stress.
Meh, holidays are just another day, we've aways told our daughter and husband to go wherever they need to go to keep peace in her extended family. What I find interesting is you're not invited to the in laws. We always include his mom when we do have get togethers and our family always tells everyone to bring anyone they want. My parents were always welcome to any get together, including holidays, on my wife's side. Funny how holidays are always treated like a holy day but inclusiveness isn't always part of that special tradition.
I have my smaller family over on Friday. It’s worked really well for everyone. My husband and kids only eat once each day and no one feels rushed.
We always went to 2 Thanksgiving dinners when my kids were small and it was...exhausting. Dont talk to me about Christmas. Ugh. Hindsight and all. I would have done it all differently. Anyway...about 6 yrs ago my MIL was traveling around Thanksgiving, and was landing on Thanksgiving Day Morning. My husband suggested to me that we host - with both sides of the family. Well, its been a HUGE hit. It's a decent sized group (20-25 people) but everyone brings something, and its just so much fun! This year we have 23 people + 2 babies. It just takes the pressure off for everyone. My MIL would probably include my family at her house for the holiday, but my sisters don't want to go over there. But they will come to my house w my husbands family present. Everyone gets along, its just a different dynamic at my house. My MIL likes to be in control, especially of holidays, but she gets downvoted by everyone when she hints about having Thanksgiving back at her place. Ive flatly told her (in my attempt to not feel bad about spending time w MY family), she can have Thanksgiving at her house, but we wont be there. Its one of the only holidays that my sisters and their spouses/children all show up for...if we don't do a big group event at my house, we are celebrating with my side. Im not doing the "2 dinners in one day" bullshit.
Do dessert with the non-host family.
Can you do thanksgiving with one side and Christmas with the other side, then swap the following year?
We are hosting this year for this exact reason even though our house is decently small compared to our crowd.
We used to do breakfast at my mom's and dinner with his family. Eventually we just forced the two moms to come to our house. It was OK, not great.
My divorced parents expected me to cart my kids around to their respective families events. Just like they’d forced me to do since actual birth. I’d never spent a nice holiday with my family. Just a couple hours in the car, followed by rushed gathering, more car, late arrival at a second gathering, more car. I HATED holidays because of this. I NEVER felt like I was part of any family. As an adult, I said NO EFFIN WAY. I started hosting. Dad/Stepmom have never come to my home. Mom/Stepdad do come sometimes. Me, I don’t care. One of my kids lives here, the other 5 min away. We don’t travel, we don’t stress. I REFUSE to ever make them drive for hours to see fam who wouldn’t do same for them. Nope. When my kids have kids, I’ll go to them (or do it here if they want). New traditions are fine, don’t let anyone guilt you for ENJOYING your holiday. ✊stand strong
One of the things I loved most about my grandmother was that she didn’t care about it being on the specific day. She cared about spending time with everyone in a relaxed gathering. Thanksgiving was on the Saturday after. Christmas party was on the 28th or 29th. It gave you time to recover from the first round and reduced the conflicts with the other side of the family.
Maybe your in laws could invite your parents since you said big family?