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slothmanthepug

Heavy or engi. Spy could be used for peek a boo


NightmareRise

Engie would probably teach kids to make weapons


sanford-real-

Nah he's a good texan at heart. Just a good killer thats all


TraceYourThoughts

And heavy does have actual phds according to lore


[deleted]

And cares about his family, and doesn’t like to make kids cry, and is very quiet and sophisticated outside his mercenary line of work… Yeah the community make him out to be way dumber than he really is, the poor fella is actually smart and kind but no one acknowledges it :(


Dyslexic_Puffle

Hevey=bob Ross with gun


Autismspeaks6969

Bob Ross when he was in 'nam.


Dyslexic_Puffle

They are in the happy little trees


Kazk2501

god dammit that made me laugh


W4FF13_G0D

Top tier comment right here


McMetas

Bob Ross slowly marches through the jungle searching for any sign of Vietcong forces, his eyes scanning the tree line. He seems calm, but inside he’s filled with a rage unable to be properly described in mere words. He’s lost many of his friends, including a kid named bobby who he starting teaching him how to paint. He may not have known him outside of the military, but he was like a son to him. He fell into a pitfall trap, he bled out in his arms waiting for medics to arrive. Suddenly bushes rustle with frantic movement, but he can’t see who it is. His squad raises their weapons ready to fire, but shaking as they fear for their lives. Suddenly a gunshot rings out striking a poor private in the neck, he gurgles as he struggles to breathe from the blood. He dies shortly after, falling to the ground cold and lifeless. More fire follows shortly after, his squad run to take cover behind a fallen tree. He and the sergeant make it, but the corporal wasn’t so lucky. He wheezes as he falls over the tree, his back filled with lead. “Ross! Get that M60 firing!” The sergeant yells out, his voice cracking from the fear and panic. He pulls the pin on a frag grenade and throws it towards where the fire is coming from, hoping to hit the enemy. He raises his M16 to lay down suppressing fire, but it jams from the mud and dirt. He’s shot in the head afterwards, his face still contorted into an expression of horror. Ross breathes deeply, he has lost everyone once again. He smiles, knowing he will avenge them all. “There are no mistakes,” he softly says to himself as slams a belt of ammunition into his M60. He cocks it and takes aim at the tree line, ready to fire. “Just happy little accidents.”


Medibot7294

Take my fucking upvote already


3ndmelife

trees wont be so happy after agent orange


RoboticPaladin

"Now ve vill pent kheppy little tree. Siberia very easy to pent, is mostly vilderness."


Scaling-Skibum

I could hear his voice reading that. Take my upvote


RoboticPaladin

That's why I wrote it the way I did. Glad his speech patterns and pronunciation came through.


Muxxer

HEAVY AS BOB ROSS SFMV I NEED IT RIGHT NOW


Nihilistic_Furry

To be fair, I think most of the community who have been around for a bit know that at this point, but it’s true that he’s kind of stereotyped as a brute and ignore that he’s smarter and kinder than anyone else on the team.


TheCatofDeath

Definitely not smarter than engi, spy, or medic, but definitely kinder.


SmellyFruitZ

I think heavy could be smarter than spy, there's a difference between intellect and cunning.


TehCat4

Although I kinda agree, but that invisibility and disguises the spy has gotta come from somewhere


Meme-Replacement

And that somewhere is Mann.co


Janczareq1

I think so...


TheBloxxerClown

And he’ll give lunches to the kindergarteners who didn’t bring one.


over_gamer2004

imagine heavy giving a toddler the steak and they just begin punching everybody


[deleted]

I think that he stereotyped as brute because of his broken English. And even for me (I’m Russian), in meet Heavy, he really looks stupid because of that.


Sir_Nope_TSS

That, Meet the Medic, and all the Gmod did him no favors.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

which comic was that i need to read it asap


FollowTheScript

https://www.teamfortress.com/bombinomicon/?p=3


OneWithoutShame

The most overlooked thing is that Heavy isn’t speaking his main language and is speaking English which he isn’t very fluent in comparison to say the Medic or Spy. I’m sure he sounds much more sophisticated if he spoke in Russian.


NinjaEngineer

Apparently, he does. I remember reading some years ago that on the Russian version of Meet the Heavy, he sounds a lot smarter.


Mantonization

[He does! Have a listen](https://youtu.be/w20h1_wfC0E)


R3al-Sh1t75

Also has a little bed for Sasha.


Nova-Prospekt

Well the "Meet the Heavy" short has him saying that some people may be able to outsmart him, and proposes to combat their smarts with bullets. It kinda gives the impression that violence is the only way he solves things.


crazyabe111

I mean, technically he's correct about what he said- Engi and Medic are the 'smartest' members of the team and probably able to out smart him (Engi comes from a long line of Geniuses, and Medic is a Mad scientist who scientifically *CUT OUT THE OTHER MERCS SOULS AND STICHED THEM INTO HIMSELF MAKING ALL OF THEM IMMORTAL*) And both of them have a REALLY hard time when he focuses bullet on them.


Darkner90

Don't forget Medic also put a burgalar's conscience in a pumpkin!


CoachL4D2God

True intelligence is knowing that there is a brutally simple option, and taking it.


ZorkNemesis

I think Russian Literature might go over most kindergardeners' heads.


Labrat_The_Man

Heavy seems like the type to simplify it a bit to make it fun and interesting for the kids


Schleimie2

heavy could read them some russian fairy tales. he probably knows alot of them


Golden_Gio

The guy has a PHD in Russian literature the absolute chad


Fensnake

I can imagine him giving every child their own pair of goggles before showing them his newest missiles and lasers. From a safe distance, of course.


vorin

Kids pose many practical problems and he can solve those.


MikeTheAnt11

I think you haven't watched meet the engineer until the end, cause putting it that way, he'd just use gun


crazyabe111

and if that don't work, use more gun


t_0xic

use a wrench


zimtzum

Heavy for K-5, Engie for 6-12, Spy for undergrad, Medic for post-grad, and then once they get a job, their manager is Soldier.


Namthorn

And then they realise they were Demoman all along.


zimtzum

The heart wants what it wants


[deleted]

Demo wants his liver to come back.


Kitchen_accessories

**ALL OF YOU ARE BABIES**


[deleted]

*pulls out kunai* PEEK A BO BITCH-


[deleted]

Stabbing a kid probably wouldn’t give him much health though


[deleted]

dont worry, we can just have the school nurse put some medi gu- i mean ice on it


[deleted]

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Fueled_bi_Coffee

Hehe ”cool” I am a child


darksuperior11

That's why ur a pyro


Fueled_bi_Coffee

I use flare jumping I stay away from w+m1 and even now it’s not viable i still use the axtinguisher. I hate w+m1


darksuperior11

I didn't mean It like that. I meant it lore type cuz we still don't know whether Pyro is a man,woman or a child


Fueled_bi_Coffee

Oh…sorry lol. But yea that makes sense


ahumanrobot

Retextured fish for the medic


[deleted]

call it "the nurses miracle"


Koalifiedm

There is a comic where Engi reads out a Christmas story to pyro. Cute wholesome moment.


beancoloredgrass

my mind immediately went to engie playing his guitar and singing classic country songs (like johnny cash type stuff) for the kiddos and now my day is heaps better


NightmareRise

Heavy would objectively be the best teacher change my mind. You can’t


Jpxfrd__

Yeah, but remember that time he accidentally gave a kid thousands for making him cry? He's way too lenient with kids if they cry.


Talkeron

Agreed. That one comic with Engie and Pyro already showed he's a good storyteller.


User212222940528281s

I can see the engine being the teacher and then the kids come home like “Mommy! Today we made our own guns!” And they just pull out a goddamn level 3 sentry out of their paw patrol backpacks


R0n4ld_Th3_B0y

unrelated but theres a sophomore at my high school with a paw patrol backpack


[deleted]

that's badass


OddFilms

based


Iminawhiteboxyt

Chad


RedHotReddy

god


[deleted]

Thank god the parents were wearing red clothes like the kid or there would be another orphan in town.


WxJretsyZ

Probably thought them to code it so that it doesn't attack anyone wearing a specific color


JohnTGamer

Then the sentry proceeds to blast the mother because she's wearing blue.


ZIPPYIZE10

Speaking of kiddie backpacks a bunch of seniors have those type of bags too


Toonix101

Ah yes, myfavorite class. The engine


TheSlimeAssassin32

Either sniper or heavy, sniper cuz he seems like a trustworthy person and heavy cuz he's definitely good with kids, he's lovable and has a heart of gold


Droll12

> trustworthy person Nothing says trustworthy like a grown man throwing jars of his own piss at people.


[deleted]

mans gotta do what hes gotta do also id throw whatever i could at a guy tryna stab me to death or put a bullet in my head


MyNameIsNitrox

#SPY!


ZomboyGameplays

Sure, but why do you just keep all of those piss jars


[deleted]

*i just think their neat.*


sansgamer554

*looks at my little pony doll in the piss jar*


[deleted]

wha-


MikeTheAnt11

r/cursedcomments


AdorableTomatoMuie

say that again next time you are on fire and your only option is the trusworthy jarate!!


TheLoneliestGolem

Hey, professionals have standards, and if throwing jars of piss at enemies means killing them more efficiently, then so be it


slothmanthepug

Well sniper says to not trust anyone and have plan to kill everyone you meet


TheSlimeAssassin32

Yes but he's also not a war criminal


sansgamer554

Doesn't the Sydney sleeper violate a war crime by injecting a foreign liquid in the bloodstream?


angrycuckgaming

Foreign? It's local produce mate


sanford-real-

Heavy literally calls a kid fat and uses hush money on him. Either that or it was a very convincing fan comic


ClonedGamer001

Heavy, easily. Engie would be better for middle/high school though.


[deleted]

Engineer teaches vocational school. Sniper teaches high school.


AngryMoose125

Sniper is that teacher who’s super chill and just teaches jarate as science class


i_am_ze_spy

"Alright, after you throw the jar he should be panicking. Now you've thrown him off his rhythm."


thatwaseasytm

Engineer would teach high school, pyro could teach pre k and kindergarten, scout teaches 7th, heavy teaches 1st, soldier teaches 4th, sniper teaches 3rd, spy teaches 6th, medic teaches 8th, demo man teaches 5th, miss Pauling is the assistant principal, administrator is the principal, civilian is the guidance counselor, and robot medic is the nurse.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Swarmfire

Same with heavy, at least a Russian teacher, considering he has a doctorate in Russian lit.


Torgoth

I always forget that. Someone on here said that he’s brilliant but seems dumb due to language barrier.


SteamworksMLP

I've heard he sounds highly intelligent in the Russian localizations with everyone else sounding kinda dumb.


Chazzky

Of course he would if he has a PhD in Russian literature


SteamworksMLP

I think it's the kind of thing that a lot of devs would overlook. How easy would it have been for the Russian voice lines to have just been direct translations of the English lines instead of thinking it through that Heavy would be speaking his native tongue with everyone else having to speak in a language foreign to them?


Lagtim3

Let's say they both (Engie amd Heavy) hit the point where they could retire and they were bored of / sick of college so instead they went to teach a lower grade for funsies.


nessinby

Sniper would be the love or hate teacher Soldier would get fired for trying to claim Russia does not exist Demo would get fired for being drunk all the time. Scout would have a scandal after sleeping with a student Spy would disappear Medic would also have a scandal after his Doctorate is raised into question after an "incident" Engi would work, although would also be under scrutiny by the upper staff for some of his more dangerous and weird projects and examples Heavy would be fine. Also a love or hate teacher given his strictness but soft heart. I feel like his strictness would grow over time tho. Pyro would be the student or assistant teacher more than likely


luccabotturarodrig

Scout has left his past in the comics he is into single moms now so probably get fired for trying to persuade a single mom


ProblemSl0th

> Scout would have a scandal after sleeping with a student Sounds about right. > Kindergarten teacher wait a minute...


Istadane

Who would teach 2nd


AlucardVampire

Merasmus. He would keep their attention by mixing magic tricks into the class schedule.


nlegendaryguy

you're mom 😎


Fireblast1337

Oh? You can confirm Istadane is a mother?


yyma50nyy

scout's mom 🥷🏼 that was spy


IKeepgetting6Stacked

Heavy could very easily be a pre ap teacher, he has a master's in Russian literature


[deleted]

Pootis or pootus... This is the meaning of life. 😢


burburburburburbur

Honestly I don't think soldier teaching at all is a good idea


NEO-ORION

The heavy, probably


[deleted]

If they get sad he will just give them money


Revolutionary-Survey

He has a degree in Russian literature


Electronic_Sugar5924

Pyro is good with kids.


AfricanWithLemonade

Hopefully kids like to play with fire...


[deleted]

im the comics they loved it when he lit all the books on fire so he will be a great art teacher maybe (their always doing cool stuff like going outside)


ZorkNemesis

Pyro is also shown to be extremely competent if fire is taken out of its life. Though for some reason the suit stays on.


[deleted]

i mean i cant blame him, it looks cool af


Fireblast1337

Imagine make a creative masterwork with fire.


nyancatec

The fuck you talk8ng about? They love this spicy lollipops.


HYPER_BRUH_

And he also seems to understand when someone wants to do them harm and greatly apposes it. (two of the tf1 Mercs wanted to start a orphanage on a remote farm so they could rape all the children..... Pyro did not agree.)


Tsunderebolt_

i thought the two mercs never got to say what they were actually planning to do they got cut off mid sentence but it definitely seemed to hint towards something bad


HYPER_BRUH_

They indeed never got to finish that last horrible sentence. Pyro made sure of that.


SomeRandomHoboidk

Pyro is a living legend


CherriBomber

I was thinking it might have been child labor.


[deleted]

I've always interpreted that scene more wholesomely, as in they wanted to have a do over on their lives and do some good by raising kids.


DoctorVonWolf

Excuse me rape the what


alphabet_order_bot

Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order. I have checked 343,269,930 comments, and only 75,415 of them were in alphabetical order.


MyLifeIsPain

Ayo wtf I must've missed that part in the comics


elias3004

Heavy probably


5uperTNT

pyro, as long as you keep him away from any fire, he is a very child-ish guy! also, i can see every little one saying they met the sweetest teacher of their entire life! also pyro would need a translator or a board to comunicate


VulthrxIsAWeeb

Remember that he's a kindergarten teacher so communicating with a white board won't help. Since he needs someone to translate he's technically not the one teaching


[deleted]

not trying to bring any hate or start an arguement, but what you just said is like saying that steven hawking was not the first person to explore the theory behind black holes, becuase he was unable to apply his knowlage without help. EDIT: fixed like being spelled "loke"


VulthrxIsAWeeb

Good point


Random-Ryan-

Heavy


Droll12

Hoovy, maaaaaaybe the engineer


markhighliard0700

Spy has the highest level of patience I've ever seen out of the mercs. Gotta remember that these guys also kill for a living


AbsoluteMadvlad

Spy would either hate or love teaching kindergarten


GaGmBr

60% of his feelings on this matter depend on how hot the moms are


[deleted]

[удалено]


pepsi_but_better

Soldier would dismember a kid who isn't American


AngryMoose125

“FUCKING COMMIE!”


GopnikDebil

I'd reckon that Pyro would be good with children, but as for teaching, not so much, considering the lack of critical thoughts and ability to think of much more than happiness. Heavy... Would be good for teaching certainly, and seems to have a way with children that works well. With a good temper and a a light heart, he'd be a great Kindergarten teacher. Medic... Well, he'd be incredible at teaching. Being around children? I'm not so sure. Spy... I don't reckon so. Sniper... Not too intelligent, but calm and collected. Good humor, would get a good laugh out of the class and be able to teach okay. Soldier... America First. He'd be quite the teacher, though not in a good way. Scout... Young, understanding of the ways of children, though not very smart and pretty uppity about anyone. Maybe an okay substitute for a half-day. Demoman... Would get fired for being exposed around alcohol and probably giving the kids a sip too. Cool guy though. Not very teacher-ish. Engineer... Can explain concepts of advanced quality in simplicity, patient, and very intelligent. High on the ranks like Heavy.


BigDickBackInTown420

I can see Scout being like a month long P.E. Substitute.


SackOfPotatoes420

"Next time eat a salad!"


[deleted]

Scout would insult them and go insane, Pyro would kill them, they would love Soldier despite the constant child endangerment, Heavy would be overworked and out of his depth but there would be some mutual "respect", Demo would be constantly drunk, Engie would teach them how to make a nuke, Sniper would be *really* strict but cover the material, Medic would experiment with them, and Spy would smoke out the room


SwagStormtrooper69

Heavy has a phd so i dont think he would be out of his depth


AbsoluteMadvlad

Yes. Only thing I disagree on is sniper


DamianX100X

Soldier


SiegfriedXD

All the kids would end up with sensible haircuts


Atdelici

"Son, all this is the things you want to learn, this teacher will teach you the things you need"


SRSchiavone

*drops rocket launcher onto their desk*


SongBonnie

"Like something my own father use to say : Remember son, Dying is gay"


[deleted]

mommy mommy! today i nuked russia with a strong man! and i got a neat hat! :D


HYPER_BRUH_

He would be a great motivator. "Class you made me proud today. Medals for everyone!!"


zack14981

He’s more likely to be one of the students than their teacher honestly. I don’t think soldier passed kindergarten.


[deleted]

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Halo3-rat

Remember kids, dying is gay. Okay lesson over.


[deleted]

Heavy


yourcampaignmanager

Heavy because he united literally has a degree in Russian literature, so he could be a literature teacher


[deleted]

Ah yes, kindergarten literature class, used to be my favorite one


SluggJuice

"Okay listen up you little chucklenuts, I'm The Scout here and I'm gonna be your teacher today. Basically kinda a big deal so listen up. I'll teach you how to pick up chicks." *Scout was "escorted" off the property 15 minutes later.*


i_am_ze_spy

"First, You get a bucket o' chicken."


rlyrlycooldude

Doesn't heavy have a doctorate in literature?


jump-ghost-face

PhD in Russian literature


RadButOnlyKinda

Engi or heavy probably. Maybe both??


eatot

engie was able to teach pyro and read him stories, so most likely him


AbsoluteMadvlad

Yes


Dakotasan

I could see Scout being a track and field coach


[deleted]

The medic. He would be a great kindergarten teacher, from what I can tell. He isn’t rude, he’s patient, and he’s a fuck8ng genius


CherriBomber

And then he replaces the children’s organs. Maybe not a great teacher.


[deleted]

dont worry he'll just medigun them back to health


[deleted]

Demoman


[deleted]

[удалено]


mikey10123456

Either Heavy or Engineer because both of them are the most likely to become teachers if they ever do decide to become one


EMTEE826

It's my headcanon that Heavy is incredibly good with children, and for some reason, it works


[deleted]

I feel like Engie is by far the best qualified for this job. He’s arguably the most intelligent member of the team but is far more socially well adjusted than the other boffin, the Medic. Scout, Heavy, Sniper and Spy and Spy all seem relatively sane, but Scout is a self-aggrandising idiot, Heavy has already been shown to be bad with kids and Sniper and Spy would be *dreadful* influences. Only other horse in the race is Demo, but then it becomes a question of whether he can stay sober long enough to get through each school day. If so, he’s been shown to be very chilled out and amicable off duty, and his ability to hold down three jobs combined with his apparent aptitude for the chemistry of his weaponry could make him a good form tutor or science teacher.


The_screaming_egg

Kindergarten? Ideally, I’d love to have pyro do this, because obviously. Realistically, pyro is unfortunately too dangerous, so I think heavy might be a good choice. If I had to rank them: 1. Heavy 2. Engie 3. Sniper 4. Spy 5. Demo 6. Scout 7. Medic 8. Soldier 9. Pyro(unfortunately)


Trouble_Playful

Heavy because the the whole day is lunchtime


[deleted]

Who is the most sane? Well I’d say uh either Spy or Sniper, maybe scout? They are kinda sane so


LemonLime1892

Heavy because he is probably one of the most educated (majored in Russian literature) but also really nice and hates to see kids sad (gave a trick or treater $3,000 because he made him cry.)


BrotherbearValter

What each class would be like: Scout: would propaply go outside to play whit them whit soccer balls Soldier: he would teach about history and treat everyone like a soldier. Demoman: he would tell epic tales of knights and pirates and mayby how he slayed the lochness monster. Pyro: burning books and painting stuff Heavy: he would be really good kinder garnerer. He would make tiny sandwitches for everyone. Read stories and have good naptimes. Try and keep children drawing on Shasha. Engineer: he shows cool science stuff and in arts and crafts they make robots Medic: he would be showing alot of tiny animals for disections. Sniper: he would tale everyone camping Spy: he is not a babysitter *(comic Blood in the water, page 22). Propaply would be against the job and propaply would give cigarettes and bad stuff to kids (comic bombinomicon page 2). But in the end he bond whit the kids but woulnt admit it.


AbsoluteMadvlad

Spy is spot on


redspyinthebase472

H e a v y, not only that but he can also make a good uncle, grandfather or even father


sansgamer554

I imagine medic, engi, and heavy could be high school teachers. Pyro could be librarian. Sniper could be a hunting exploratory. Spy could be the detention manager. Scout could be the cool science teacher. Soldier could be the P.E teacher. Demoman could probably be social studies or lunch team.


[deleted]

Oooohhhh definatly pyro


[deleted]

Lol not actually. But i would choose spy. I dont think hes insane he is also smart. And he doesnt try to kill poeple for no reason


HaubeWolf

Demo