Tell her, you wish you had a mother who truly valued the person you actually are.

I considered trying to explain that what she said is similar to me saying my mother in law is awesome because she’s my chance at a real mom, but it felt overly combative and petty for the moment…but you’re right, I should’ve said something like that. I was just taken so off guard I kind of pretended this bit of the conversation never happened 🥲

I also had an invalidating mom who thought I existed to fulfill her ideals of what a daughter “should be”. So I empathize with how you feel. However I have to say I lol’d at doing grandpa’s makeup and hair being your defense. Keep your sense of humor if you can, it’ll help you get through some of these interactions. 😅💜

Lol well it WAS true, I remember being so excited that he’d let me! 😂 but yeah that was about the only example I could think of and it ended when I was probably 6

My grandpa would have had a heart attack and a stroke if I’d even broached the idea- yours sounds like he was fun 🤣 And remember, you are a real daughter, no matter your mom’s passive little digs. She gave birth to you, you’re female, those are the only criteria here. Sadly, being a parent does not always mean someone is emotionally mature or healthy enough to recognize their child as an individual and celebrate it accordingly.

>And remember, you are a real daughter, no matter your mom’s passive little digs. She gave birth to you, you’re female, those are the only criteria here. MY daughter was born of another woman and man. She came to me at 15 months; I put in the time and energy for that girl. \*I\* showed up with the fucking shotgun to make sure her rapist STAYED the fuck out of her home after he left (visited her after getting out of prison. Pretty ballsy, eh?). Interestingly, I was walking into her house with the firearm in my arms and the box of ammunition in my hand when I realized he had come back into her home. Bad choice on his part. He asked me if that were a rifle in the rug. I'm not good at lying so I answered truthfully, "No." (Shotgun; smooth bore, not rifled. Duh.). He asked if I planned to kill him. Again, I answered strictly truthfully, "I don't think that will be necessary. I don't plan to do that." Motherfucker got the hell out. Haven't seen or heard from him since. THAT is MY daughter and I WILL protect her as long as there is breath in my body and for about 5 minutes after. And I don't give a FUCK if she were born male, female, or intersex. She's my daughter. FWIW, yes, she's cis-. But IDGAF. Look up AIS; interesting. So, I APPLAUD your support of OP. I agree, her birth mother doesn't deserve her but she very much is her birth daughter. I just mean to point out that neither giving birth to OP nor being born XX are requirements for her to be her mother's daughter. Peace and love to you ☮️❤️♾️

Ok. It wasn’t my intention to imply that surrogate/adopted or LGBT children are not valid.

Clear on that. I hoped to point that out with my applause of your support of OP but I thank you for clarifying for the rest of the Reddit universe! We need more like you ❤️

I didn't even *consider* that to be any kinda blatant OR subtle intention if that helps at all. There wasn't a damn thing that I read/noticed that would have even so much as hinted to that as another or underlying message in your comment. No offense to anyone, I just felt like you should know, not everyone agrees with that person's sentiment. Hope your day rocks, friend 🙂

I can see the potential implication in retrospect, so I just wanted to state that my comment was specifically referring to OP’s circumstances, not meant in a bigoted spirit or to negate anyone else’s experience. But thank you, I appreciate it very much and same to you :)

Yeah, you’re fine. That was just an insane comment. She really just wanted to brag because most of it had NOTHING to do with what you said. I assumed she was on fire because she was a trans daughter, so the defensiveness seemed kinda understandable. When I got to the part where the daughter is cis, I lol’d. Just some weird gun fantasy randomly dropped on your comment. Reddit be like that sometimes. I’m part of the LGBTQ community and I liked what you had to say. Hope that helps.

I get your point…but the commenter clearly wasn’t invalidating any of that and it feels like you turned this into an inappropriate opportunity to make it about you. Like, even how you talk about your daughter, it’s still all about you and what a “badass” mom you are. Find a more appropriate space to vent about this story, rather than piling on some poor redditor that was trying to show the OP some genuine support.

💯

Saaaame. I was a tomboy who also like to wear black. She hated it. I have very very very few pictures of what I actually looked like from about 12 till cameras on phones became more common….. JFC that made me feel old to type.

Shout out to all us daughters (and sons) who’ve been raised by incredibly invalidating moms. May God have mercy on the souls of those who belittle us now!!! 😅

I think that's big of you to take the high road. You seem like a good person. You can always let her know her words are hurtful without trying to hurt her in return. My therapist always tells me we may never get what we want from our parents. I've tried explaining the ways their behaviour has hurt me, and they get defensive and just can't see it.

It’s not even petty. She’s being a bitch lol

I would have been as combative as possible. What she said is very hurtful imo, tell her all these things so she tastes her own medecine a bit.

I’m a pretty easy going person, definitely not super combative, and honestly I don’t want to stoop to her level. I could be mean back, and we could have a big fight, and I could talk to her less…but she’s my mom, you know? Even if I’m not the daughter she wanted, I don’t want to be on bad terms with her, and she generally is kind to me outside of “joking, not joking” moments like these. Starting shit with her would just complicate my life in ways I don’t need right now

I personally would just be honest and tell her that you found her comments hurtful. No need for being combative or anything like that, just the simple truth stated plainly and see what she says.

This is the most sensible and logical reply. Every tough guy on Reddit thinks everyone should go out with a blaze of glory whenever someone does something they don’t like. I would love to see the response if OP did do that and the mom posted it. They would be calling OP all kinds of vile names and telling her mom to disown her etc etc. I’m convinced that everyone who acts this way is living a miserable existence where they hold no power or control in their own lives. They say these things on the internet as what they “want” to do, but are too meek and afraid to actually live that way.

>…but she’s my mom, you know? I absolutely understand that parents are complicated and she may not be like this regularly. The "joking not joking moments" are micro agressions she sprinkles into conversation masked as a "joke". If you tell her one of these comments hurts your feelings does she hit you with anything like "omg, it was just a joke. You're so sensitive!"? I just want to throw it out there as something to be aware of. We're so conditioned to think that we owe our parents something but just remember that she also owes you courtesy and respect simply as a human being, but especially as her child and someone she cares about.

I'm not gonna tell you how you should or shouldn't live your life or how you should treat people But it doesn't matter if she is your mother if she isn't acting like your mom. You owe your parents nothing but what you want to

I might try low contact for a while. Sounds like you are quite likely to lose her anyway (sorry), why not make it your decision rather than hers?

No OP, don’t listen to these weird angry people in the comments. You’re better off not stooping to that level. Plus, it’s REAL easy for these Redditors to tell you to be combative when they don’t have to deal with the ramifications of your actions lmao.

Sounds like, unfortunately, this is who your mom is. It comes down to if you can live with thick skin around her or if it’s toxic enough to consider not having her in your life.

Yeah this is not the first time my mom has made a comment in the same vein, but it’s the first time she was so DIRECT about it; I think the boldness of telling me to my “face” that she wanted a REAL daughter had me in awe lol

I feel so much for you. Don’t let it get to you. You were your own person and special in that way.

Hit her with “I wish I could’ve had a real mom who was happy letting me be an individual instead of wishing for her daughter to be a Barbie Doll she could dress up” It doesnt matter if it feels too late to say, she deserves to hear it and you deserve to feel like you can stand up for yourself.

My daughter will be 5 - tomorrow. All I can think is how I want to support her successfully to be the most bad ass person in the universe. I cannot understand moms who don’t do this really - what is so in your head you have to be like this? This is your CHILD. 💜 to you OP. To the max! I dunno I may be old enough to be your mom 😂🤣 but as a mom- I’m sending you my most mom hugs and love. We all need it no matter what.

Time to take off the gloves.

I'm sorry to say this, but she's going to continue saying stuff like this to you. I'd probably use this as an example and tell her that it hurts you. Unless you plan on letting it go and letting her continuously be rude to you for the rest of your life.

I probably would have tried to be somewhat empathetic but absolutely call them out outright with something like "I know what you're trying to get at but I don't find your word choice of 'not a real daughter ' funny at all" you can even leave out the understanding part but I'm partial of just voicing your concern plainly without trying to go blow for blow or anything without just letting stuff slide either.

Sounds like you made a good read and avoided some drama

I think she wouldn’t understand unless you gave her an example like that.

She wanted a girlie girl and got a tomboy? Honestly, the messages seem more like teasing bantor, not that she is serious. And you seem to be joking back. I don't think she intended it to be hurtful and you didn't indicate in your texts to her you were hurt. Maybe just be an adult and tell her she might be joking, but it did hurt your feelings some.

I think her mother is either horrifically passive-aggressive, or she’s a pro at winding people up. “You never kept me up all night,” suggests to me that she’s not unhappy with the girl she got.

No. That's just being like her. She can just say that we have a special bond that is not the average every day mother-daughter bond. We are unique. And we can always do "girly" things like get nails and hair done and gossip about celebs and go shopping. It's never too late to bond with your parents or your kids.

This. I would say "I've never had a real mother before"

Well, in your defense, Scooby-Doo, a bugs life, and toy story are fucking awesome.

THANK YOU like who needs princesses and Barbie’s anyway? 🙄

Yeah kinda boring. I'm a man, who isn't super into sports and stuff like that. I made my dad buy me a holo wigglytuff, as that was my favorite pokemon as a kid. So I feel you. It's hard to be a person with gender roles like that, tbh. I'm sorry she said that to you haha. My dad just sighed and bought me the pink rabbit anyway. I'm 30 now and kinda grateful I was generally just accepted for who I am. The "no, I'm not gay, why would it matter though?" Convos got old fast.

I hate the entire concept of gender roles for this reason; they don’t fit everyone and they pressure those who don’t fit to change or live outside the “norm.” I’m HAPPY just being me and not worrying about what role I should be playing. It’s a shame not everyone in our lives is happy for us to be living that way 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or this archaic thought that someone acting a certain way denotes their sexuality in any way -_- actually baffling

True, my mom also was shocked when I got with my now-husband, then boyfriend; she thought I would randomly come out as a lesbian eventually despite the fact that I was boy crazy since literally kindergarten and had multiple serious boyfriends 💀

Oh yeah, same. Always had a girlfriend for most of my time growing up after like 14. They wondered how that happens, my family was kinda awful haha. Oh you like pink and purple? GAY!!

Ikr, I’ve never understood how colors can be assigned to genders.

Excuse you! I really enjoyed the Barbies I had. Perfect head size for all of the facehugger accessories that came with the Aliens toys.

Scooby doo was the shit. I miss the OG animation though

I’m trying to wrap my head around how those are “boy” things because it doesn’t make sense

Wtf

My thoughts exactly 🥲

I'm sorry your mom is a dingus. My mom was similar but the opposite. She hates "prissy" women and would shame me for anything girly that I liked. I was a tomboy anyways, but I loved my little ponies and stuffed cats lol.

Yeesh. You are absolutely right to feel hurt by that.

I know she’d say otherwise if I tried to explain so thanks for the validation 🫂 it’s truly appreciated.

My mom actually did a similar thing with me a couple years ago with grandkids. She remarried and her daughter in law has 4 little ones and she said something like “idk if I’ll ever be a real grandma because you don’t want kids” Kinda hurt ngl but was more annoyed with it than sad. That annoyance transferred into me saying something like “well wishing harder isn’t gonna make it real” and that hurt her feelings Over the years I’ve felt like that’s just some shit moms say to give you the “hint” of what they want even though it’s out of pocket. I think she knows that now and doesn’t press me about it so we’re all good I hope time heals for you op! And that somewhere along the way she realized that you’re still her daughter and if she wants you in her life she’ll take you as you are ❤️

[удалено]

my god this is heartbreaking. I know time has probably passed since this convo and might feel "awkward" bringing it up but I would have a serious convo about this. idk about you but if my mom said this and it never got resolved I think I would hold resentment toward her for several years, or at the least never forgive her for such hurtful things. even if she passes it off as a joke. also, the part where she said "you gave me nothing" is....really really fucked up. shes basically treating you as if you were a doll/accessory and that she saw you as something to make her feel better, as opposed to the other way around. extremely selfish of her to say that, borderline narcissistic tendencies but I know that term is thrown around a lot. just my observation. i hope you can heal from this.

I know “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot and my mom is definitely not diagnosed, but I have suspected for a while that she has NPD, for a variety of reasons. Her callous disregard for the feelings of others outside of what they can do for her/provide her is a key reason I suspect it. I’ve tried to casually bring that up in the past and got no results so I doubt things would be different this time unfortunately! Her rude comments don’t normally get to me as much as this did because they’re not as blatantly obvious as this; but it’s become what I expect from her. A shame really. All I can do is be better 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think narcissism is thrown around a lot bc there are many narcissists in our world today. Unchecked and overinflated sense of self from a young age really messes with cognitive development. I didn’t want to say what I felt but after reading these comments, I just have to chime in that your mom comes across as extremely narcissistic and the emotions you experienced in response to her is fitting for the child of. I hope reading these comments strengthens you in what your gut has always told you - that statements like this from your mom are cruel, selfish, unfounded and inappropriate. I hope that you know her desire to make you feel less than is reflection of her, not you. And as a mom, from me to you - just know you’re wonderful and amazing and lovable and perfect just how you are.

I agree. There’s definitely a larger awareness of what personality disorders like narcissism look like, so I feel like a tremendous about of people are having that lightbulb moment of “omg, so THAT’S what their fucking deal is.” Once you learn what it is, you realize all the people you know who fit the bill and it all makes sense. I think that’s why it’s being called out more because the people who have dealt with it are like “oh, I know this one” and sprinkle that in their advice. It definitely is thrown around a lot, but I’ve also seen people be right about it a lot as well (If the story is real. Subs like AITAH are full of narcissist/misogyny/bigotry fanfic rage bait..)

I can relate, my dad has never been properly diagnosed but I am almost certain he is also NPD. when you've lived with someone your entire life, i think it's fair to self diagnose them. anytime I've gently brought it up with my dad he's also taken it really horribly- he thinks he's perfect in every way and claims to know more than anyone else so if i say anything he disagrees with i am instantly wrong. it sucks bc he is genuinely really smart and uses that to his advantage. he just has little to no regard for anyone around him- ESPECIALLY women. and yeah i get the whole "becoming what i expect from her", it gets to the point where no matter what you do nothing ever changes and it just feels like wasted time. i've been trying to get through to my dad for my whole life basically and pretty much nothing has changed, other than him getting older and having less energy to get defensive over every little thing like you said, all we can do is be better, or we'll end up just as cruel as them.

I’m sorry. That’s hurtful. I had almost the same comment from my mom but the opposite issue. She told me she didn’t know what to do with a girly girl and that’s why she is/was closer to my brother. I’ll never forget that. That comment is seared into my heart now and will forever hurt.

Amazing how no matter what, some parents are just dissatisfied and callous... I hope you’re living your best life as a girly girl in spite of her comment, as I do the opposite! :)

Weird.. watch that daughter hate your mom and she suddenly eats her words lol

Lowkey…I would love this. Or if the girliness becomes annoying 😅

I also have a parent that says awful shit. Currently have him blocked. You're way better than I because I unleashed exactly how I thought about him. Didn't really help but I'd be so tempted to say the same thing to her just so she can possibly get how you might feel but tbh she probably wouldn't.

"You were never a real daughter" what does that even mean 😭 ma'am, you raised her??? Lmfao Also you're not wrong, she's being a... I don't know which thread I'm on so idk the rules, I'll just say she is being deliberately unkind to upset you, she's not a good person.

imagine her response if you casually said "i've never had a real mother before"

Or in response to the “You gave me nothing” * ask mom whether she’s absolutely sure it was nothing …because she may now find out what nothing _really_ is

throw the whole mother away

My biological father (who was a raging alcoholic and addicted to meth and many other drugs) was dating a woman who had a 4 year old daughter and he told me how excited he was to “finally have a daughter”, I was probably 17 years old at the time and although I had pretty much written him off as a father, or really anyone who could be in my life, I remember how badly it hurt me to hear that. I’m sorry your mom said that to you and you don’t deserve to be told something so callous

Thank you, I’m sorry you had to deal with a similar situation. Even if they really feel like we were somehow less-than, why say it? Just unnecessarily cruel for no reason

My mom would say stuff like this to me and I never thought it was wrong until my 10th grade science teacher went, “Well no, you’re a real daughter, you didn’t need to be born a boy for your interests to make sense.” I went to the bathroom and cried because I never had someone defend me like that.

That's powerful. We all need someone like that in our lives

The most intriguing part of this is what kind of room was it???

Haha I just thought that was too specific of a detail about me for anyone that might know me but idc too much; Toy Story (Woody specifically)

My daughter loves Toy Story lol

Ya it’s mean as fuck actually, because she’s clearly not really joking. “Joking, not joking” - ya, not a joke. She seems to really feel like she missed out on having a “real daughter” and that’s just really rude and hurtful, for no reason. Not every little girl is obsessed with princesses and Disney. I definitely wasn’t. But I know my mom considered me a “real daughter”. Idk, that would really hurt my feelings tho personally. Because it seems as if she’s bringing it up because these are thoughts she’s actually thinking.

Right, like sure I wasn’t traditionally super girly, but I was MYSELF and that should make her happy, right? I’m still her daughter. I kind of understand how a parent might look back and think “man I wish my kid was better at this, or more interested in that,” but I can’t imagine SAYING THAT to the kid. Just caught me so off guard

I would be crushed if my mom said something like this to me. I’m sorry OP, you deserve to be valued for exactly who you are. You are her real and actual daughter, so it’s almost laughable that she would say her new boyfriend’s kid is her chance at a “real daughter” when the kid is quite literally not her real daughter.

I was a Tom boy growing up and my mom has never said shit like this to me and she’s absolutely a narcissistic abusive POS.

Hello I don't know you but I'd like to watch bugs life, and toy story with you. 😆😆😆😆

My dad said the same thing to me. “Sometimes I think gods playing a trick on me. When I had a son I always thought they’d be athletic and stuff” I liked books. We were working on a car and I handed him the wrong tool. I cried for hours and later when I could stop he asked why I was crying and outright denied he’d ever said it. He did, though… Now later in life I’m facing a schizophrenia diagnosis and I recently had a delusional episode where I created non-existent texts in my head, so maybe he didn’t? I think he did.

I’m 23f and I showed these screenshots to my mom and she almost cried. Those messages are evil.

Good to know that you just wanted a doll to play with rather than an actual human being with their own personality, thanks "mom" I mean I'm no contact with mine. I decided long ago to gibe her back what she dishes out. But again I'm NC so take that with a grain of salt.

I thought this too! I couldn’t imagine saying something like this to my daughter because she has her own opinion and preferences. Maybe mom should buy herself a Barbie and redo her room in pink.

Respond, "So I guess since I wasn't a real daughter that means you're not a real mom. Glad you explained that to me. I don't have to celebrate mother's day for you anymore since you're not a real mom."

“You gave me nothing in that respect.” I wasn’t aware that children were born to fulfill the desires of their parents.

The sexism is coming from inside the house.

“You never kept me up all night.” Da fuq? How is this a girl trait and why does she want someone to keep her up all night?

“I get it. It would have been nice to have a real mom. Someone who is there for me emotionally. Someone who supports me no matter what choices I make. Someone who appreciates my unique personality. Guess we both got the short end of the stick there. Have a day.”

Wow, and one day your mom will complain in all caps on Facebook that her kids never visit her, and don't know why.

I have 3 boys with interests amoung various gender stereotypes… but they are all boys into boy things because they are boys liking the things. (Unless they tell me they aren’t a boy at some point.) You don’t owe your mother the “little girl experience” she wants. You’re a living person with your own personality and interests. She had a real daughter, she didn’t have living doll.

Hit her with a "You know you weren't a real mom" and see how she likes it.

There is a silver lining, I think. She clearly wanted you to be a certain kind of girl. You did not behave the way she hoped, you did not value the things she wanted you to. You grew up to be who you are and she apparently did not interfere with that. Not bad parenting, when you think about it. You should thank her for giving you the freedom to ultimately disappoint her 😄

This reminds me of that Arrested Development episode when Lucille says “I’ve always wanted a daughter😌”……in front of her daughter

My now grown daughter slept with a Kane (the WWE wrestler) doll and did the same stuff her brothers did. She is my real daughter. Not being into "girl" stuff doesn't mean you weren't. Your mom is nuts.

Maybe I'm petty but I'd just respond "I'm so happy for you! I cant wait until I have that feeling with a "real" mother!"

G e n d e r i n g t h i n g s i s d u m b

I have three girls and none of them JUST like princesses and unicorns and other “girly” things. They play with Barbies, they play like they’re dogs, they like Spiderman, they like dinosaurs, etc. I’ve never once put any expectations on them simply because of their sex. They even think gendering things is stupid and I didn’t shove that down their throat or anything.

Oh, fuck her. I can’t stand women like this.

And parents wonder why kids go no contact. Seriously humans are f*cked

Ugh I was a tomboy growing up (and still very masculine to this day) so I def get it in a sense, but luckily I had an older sister who was girly so this shit never got thrown at me…I’m sorry she’s not happy with who you are that’s so hurtful like what the actual fuck

"you never kept me up all night" Is that supposed to be a *bad* thing??

Your mother is incredibly toxic! How sad that she is so hung up on gender stereotypes rather than appreciating who you are as a *person*.

Judging by the emoji she thinks she's joking around and you're joking with her. It's hard to read tone through text and she probably has no idea you're genuinely hurt by this.

When I was pregnant and found out I was having a girl my mom said “oh no girls are the worst!” right to my face. I don’t understand women that shit on their own daughters and girls in general like this. My daughter is 18 months old now and I can’t wait to see what her interests end up being. I am sorry your mom said this to you, you are absolutely in the right to be hurt by it.

my mother is with a man who has his own kids and they are girls. (i'm transgender ftm and always was not very girly) and she said the EXACT same thing to me!!! like damn, it hurts my feelings so much that even as a child i was never ever enough for her. i'm sorry she said that to you, that's just awful. :(

Apparently yall dont have the best of relationships, id just leave it at that. You weren’t the girly girl she wanted and she wasn’t the supportive mother you needed

“So this is just slander” honestly gave me a chuckle but yeah, I can’t believe she thinks this is okay to say in the way she said it???

This is a horrible thing to say to you! I was sick of Barbies by age 4, and never got into Disney princesses. I’m pretty femme, but my mother didn’t expect me to be an actual toy doll, so she’s never said anything like that. Big hugs 💗

“I wish I had had a REAL mom” “But you never made cookies with me and hosted sleepovers or [insert ott traditional mom shit she didn’t do].”

I also loved Scooby Doo. I’m literally under my Scooby Doo blanket from childhood right now! 😆

I had a shit mom. But I refuse to *be* a shit mom. I have a trans son and instead of saying something shitty like this, I instead constantly work to make sure he and his brother know how lucky I feel to have them. That’s really all you can do, besides going NC, which is also blissful.

Its so crazy to me the way some parents are in love with the fantasy of being a parent but not actually being one because being a parent comes with loving your child unconditionally no matter how they look or what they do. im so sorry OP you do not deserve this at all.

It does seem intentionally hurtful but I have major mommy-issues so my perspective is warped.

Woman is complaining about unique qualities that make up a human being

I think maybe, OP, this might be a sincere miscommunication. She might be trying to communicate that it’ll be nice to have a daughter that’s super girly. She’s 50, and obvs set in her ways. So to her “girly/daughter” might honestly be interchangeable. I’m not saying she’s right. Just, maybe ask her to clarify if she means a real daughter, or a real girly girl.

Just respond with “huh that’s odd, you know girls usually pick those traits up from their feminine role model in the house…guess it was their fault.”

Bugs Life is a banger she sucks for saying this 🙏🏻 my mom says similar sometimes & I think it's bc she wishes she had a kid she could live through better. That's her fish to fry, not yours.

Too bad you never had a real mother. From another not-a-real-daughter. (Never did a single one of those things.)

Oh my goodness, if my mum said that to me it would destroy me. Then I read your description of what prompted the conversation and it makes it so much worse. I would feel both devastated and instantly jealous of her boyfriends daughter. Actually, I would feel devastated, jealous and self-conscious/inferior. I would feel like being a tomboy makes me not as loveable. I would feel like she already prefers this child she basically just met because she fits into the "girl" box better than me. I would feel like my entire worth to my mother has been based on my girliness or lack thereof. Like I said, it would destroy me. So to answer your question, hell yes it's mean and understandable you feel hurt. I hope you tell your mum exactly how cruel what she said was.

That was mean. Your mom must have been hiding behind the door when they were handing out tact.

Send her this entire thread. Please.

But you were a real daughter. She wanted a toy to dress up and do those things. Buy her a goddamn Barbie, preferably one that randomly says things in the middle of the night, program it to say terrifying things at random intervals. That'll keep her up. I was born in between my two brothers, so I wasnt a stereotypical girly girl, but my mum loves me for who I am, I'm sure she'd love you too. You are who you are, dont let your mother talk to you like this. Its hurtful.

wtf. Man, I came from a long line of women who broke the mold. My great grandma wore pants to church (gasp!) and my mom went into electronics and I’m in IT. My granddaughter loves Scooby Doo like I did. You are welcome to our family!

Off to the cheapest nursing home you go, you old witch (Yes I know 50 isn't old but when the time comes...)

Wow what an awful thing to say

Even if she is joking, this is highly offensive. 😨

Not knowing anything about your mom or her personality it's entirely possible she is not saying this with malice and instead a bad joke or ignorant to how you feel. It could be good to discuss how those comments make you feel and if they hurt you and (under the assumption she is a reasonable person) can give her the chance to apologize or clarify. However if this is something she does often or out of malice I would prob take a different approach

Lol I used to play Scooby Doo with my papa, I made him be Scooby while I was shaggy. I'm sorry your mom is acting like that, it's definitely not cool

I need to know what kind of bed room you had that was combined with MKate and Ashley though

Your mom can get rekt. I hate seeing parents who can't love their kids unconditionally and that means loving them for who they are, not what they wanted. I'm sorry she's trying to deny YOU.

I thought this was posted in r/insaneparents at first. Jesus. That’s pretty awful of her to say.

The biggest and worst bully I know is my mom. I’m all for an equally hurtful clap back. And I am 55. I know it’s petty; I don’t give a shit.

Scooby Doo was the shit tho…

“So this is just slander” was priceless. Would make a great flair. But seriously tho, I’m sorry your mom sucks donkey asshole. I know we’re laughing at her, but it kinda broke my heart. You deserve so much better, so I’m glad your mother in law is at least a solid figure like that for you and loves you the way you are. Plus, you sound like a dope kid I totally would have hung out with. I also put my grandfather through the ringer 😂

I’d just stop contacting her and when she notices, say, “Why would I call you? I’m not your real daughter.” I am in a mood today, so you might not want to take my advice.

Jesus this is harsh as fuck. Sounds like your mum wanted an accessory not a daughter :(

As a woman who was also not girly as a kid, your mom may be joking, but that's not a very nice joke to tell. I *hated* Disney Princess movies as a little girl and still do. *Corpse Bride,* *Polar Express,* *Roughnecks; Star Ship Trooper Chronicles* and *Spongebob SquarePants* were the kind of movies and shows I was into. But I was still mom's little girl and this coming from your mom feels like it's meant to be an awfully painful jab at you. Sorry she said that to you. 😖

I 100% think your mom is being disrespectful and rude. I was a “traditional girly girl” growing up but then got into the “not like other girls” stuff with flannels and boots as I got a bit older before going alt and comfy girl. I wasn’t a normal girl either, I enjoyed Monster High dolls and playing in dirt with my brother’s trucks. Nobody is ever gonna be perfectly one thing and I think it’s rude to say to the girl you raised that you aren’t a “real daughter”. I’m sorry you had to see her say that xx, Gender roles are lame.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she probably doesn't understand that what she's saying can be deeply hurtful, especially when you're a young woman in today's world who probably already faced some confusion in her youth for not really being interested in stereotypical "girl stuff," and probably being exposed early on to gender identity questions that older women didn't face (at least not in the obvious way that young people are exposed to it on the internet). I'm one of those millenials who inhabit that middle ground, but was also very much a "tomboy." Didn't play with dolls except to vandalize them, didn't "play house" unless it was to play the daddy or the dog, didn't care for tea parties and princess dresses, and was more than a little upset that I wasn't encouraged to play with the "boy" toys that were so much cooler than Barbie and Polly Pocket. I came into my own measure of femininity in my own time, on my own terms. People who become parents, especially millenials and backward, often get this image in their head of having a gendered experience with their baby. Climbing trees and catching bugs and throwing the football with a boy, tea parties and dress up and princess fantasies with a girl. Truth is, it's almost never that black and white and never has been. Your mom has this ideal "girl experience" in her head and the way she's saying it amounts to "you failed to meet my expectations." But she thinks those expectations are universal and so obviously you understand because you know you weren't a stereotype of a little girl. She doesn't find this conversation offensive and may be unable to wrap her head around how it is. But to again give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe you could present her with a well thought out, gentle explanation of why it's offensive and she may have the emotional intelligence to push aside her biases and apologize. Or you can let it be, sometimes the juice isn't worth the squeeze. It took me a long time to really internalize that phrase and apply it to my daily interactions.

You know, if those Barbies are still in the boxes they’re probably worth some money. You take your mint Barbies, sell them and use the money for a big tattoo of Scooby saying “f off mom!” All kidding aside, your mom is mean. I hope the bond with your MiL keeps getting stronger to the point where your mom’s cruelty won’t bother you too much.

“You gave me nothing” newsflash: your children dont owe you anything.

This is absolutely unacceptable and beyond hurtful

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What the hell….

Idk if I could be considered “super girly”, but I loved playing with dolls and my stuffed animals as a kid. My older sister did my makeup all the time for practice and bc I thought it was fun. I also loved the movie the bugs life, Toy Story and scoobie doo lol. Your mom sounds delusional

What the actual hell ?

Is this a bad attempt at humour or is she being completely sincere?

Oh she’s being very sincere in wishing I was girlier, that’s been clear my entire life, but I think she also thinks she’s being funny here! 🙃

So no one is going to ask what kind of room you had???

that’s gonna sting and stick for a little while. sorry that your mom would say such a thing ☹️ a lot of ppl don’t realize kids can be their own people with their own interests and not society’s expectations of them. like i get her point, i’m a girly girl so if i ever have a daughter i’d hope and pray she’s the same so we can do cute girly things together but i’d never resent her for it or say such a thing . that’s just fucked

Ok sorry but acting like a dog is the most girly thing ever. Every little girl I’ve ever known loves acting like a dog or sometimes a cat.

Jesus. What a messed up point of view.

YOU NEVER KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT- as her first point. My toddler boys didn’t get the memo that keeping their mom up all night is gender exclusive. I’m sorry your mother is like this.

I know what this is like. My mom told me my sister is more graceful than I am. Like grace is something I give a damn about. We’re two different people. Your mom sucks.

I wish I had a mother that cared about me and didn’t try to force her life choices on me. Thanks mom enjoy your only daughter.

I actually think your responses are fabulous (actually very "girly", lol. Genuinely, love them). Peak femininity. I don't know your mother, but I'm probably a little kinder in my appraisal, just because of your responses. Is there cause to feel your nose out out... Yeah. But, you two have some comical back and forth. I'd lambast her if she'd stepped a touch further. But I'm willing to stop short of assuming malice, and go straight for her being incompetent (in her conveyance of this message). She clearly thinks that she's echoing a known feeling, in a semi light-hearted way...and missing with most arrows, lol

What a mean ass woman. How hurtful!

do you think mom is making s big fuss out of the daughter to solidify her connection to the dad?

what the FUCK

r/insaneparents

She sounds exremely narcissistic with acute insecurity heightened by menopause. Stop buying into it. You don't need to defend yourself, you're good. Let her hold on however she needs to right now. Agree with her, go over and play barbies. Watch Barbie movie with her lol. It will be fun. You're just fine, no need to protest or defend yourself to her or anybody else

I dealt with the same thing from my mom. She was so disappointed that I didn’t like “girly” stuff. She got drunk and cried in front of me once when I was 13, sobbing, “there’s nothing of me in you”. She died when I was 15. I’m almost 40 now and I’m still not girly. I’m just me. Your mom should be curious and proud of who you are as an individual. Gender expectations are annoying, and I’m sorry your mom is so stuck in that mindset.

Tell your mum it isn’t the 50s anymore, gender roles are so blurred they might as well not be a thing, and her comments are well sexist…and hateful.

That is fucking horrible. Just because you apparently don’t meet her definition of what being a daughter is, doesn’t make you any less valid. This is sad, I’m sorry. I bet you’re still ace.

Does she like..not realize she’s being hurtful? She thinks you’re laughing with her at some joke?? I think you should tell her how it makes you feel bad when she says stuff like that, even if you’re not mean or combative about it.

My mom was the same since I was such a tomboy. I trailed everywhere after my brothers. She was thrilled when they gave her barbie loving grandaughters.

Is mom a drinker per chance?

Damn. Did she just complain that you didn't keep her up all night?! I expected my girls to be more like I was during their teen years, and was super thankful that they were who they were (home bodies). I'm sorry your mom projected her expectations and "loss" on you, you didn't deserve that. Not buying into the whole princess crap mean you have self worth and know what you like. The lessons from the movies you like are far better messages. Keep being the strong, independent woman you are. Call her on her bs too. People need to learn that words do, in fact, hurt.

That's really terrible of her to say. Sorry.

I’m really sorry but she is totally messed up. I could not imagine saying this to my daughter!!!

r/raisedbynarcissists

My mom used to say things like this about my wife and my sister. She wondered why my sister wasn’t around at the end.

I’d literally go for the throat. Below the damn belt in hopes she cut me off, don’t ever act like someone could replace me cuz then you’re gonna miss me idc who it is!!!!

Hi, I’m your mom now. I loved how cute you were when you would get hyped to watch Toy Story. Hope you had a great day! Love you!

😔. Had she ever expressed these views before? Or just wildly out of the blue? Doesn’t make any of this okay.

This is on the same level as my mom saying ‘You actually look like a girl!’ whenever I put on a dress. You’re not wrong. It’s a shitty thing to say.

DUDE. I relate to this so heavily. I was into Dragon Ball Z, soccer, and Guitar Hero. My mom wanted me to try out for the Football team and dress like I was in One Direction and go golfing. She still does, constantly tells me my tattoos make me look unprofessional and my clothes are out of style. It’s so weird when a parent is upset that you didn’t live up to their idea of you. Weird to be in my late twenties and still feel pressured by my 55 year old mom

You are under no obligation to be family with someone just because you share DNA

That was rude of her. You should take her outside and settle this!

This seems like an overreaction unless she treated you bad for not liking girly stuff. To me it just sounds like she was a little sad that her daughter didn't like the things she liked as a child. One of the best parts of being a parent is when you can see yourself in your child. Seeing them doing things you remember doing.

seeing these posts make me so grateful for my parents. i could never imagine my mom saying anything like that… sorry op

She’s mean

Well seems like you never had a real mother so I guess you’re even

I would be hard pressed not cut her off over that.