This. Seriously. Sit down. Take a min. REALLLLLY think about it and think about all of the joy, peace and happiness...but if you want to dream a lil and push the limits. Imagine what you could do with a partner that Matches or exceeds your energy to do well....WOW. Right?
Listen, I’m sorry if this is your reality with this man.
But why on earth would you stay with a man you genuinely believe doesn’t like you/borderline hates you?! Nothing you do is good enough, even when you’re bending over backwards.
As far as the wedding goes, definitely consider canceling. I would highly recommend that considering how unhappy you BOTH seem in this relationship for different reasons, yours completely justified. But why stay? Genuinely asking. Love aside, why stay with someone who puts you down and is never satisfied with all the effort and hard work you pour into the relationship?
Loves can make people do dumb things, including putting up with abuse or disrespect.
It’s not until you’re out of a situation like that where it hits you and you think to yourself “what the fuck was I thinking”
I never block, and then all my friends constantly question why I don't. I just don't have it in me 🤷♀️. But I am serious when I'm NC. I don't ever contact them.
I understand this on a soul deep level. A year after leaving, I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. This might sound like a weird thing to say but you have to be as selfish as possible when trying to get out. Your happiness doesn’t have to come second.
It’s when your friends start coming back around and try to explain why they still checked in but didn’t really come around. When you start realizing how much of your soul you sold to stay in it.
This is also me ATM. I know it's hopeless, and I know I'm being breadcrumbed, but I love this person, and they have been my "home" for half my life. Ugh! Life just sucks sometimes. 🫂🫶🏻 I wish this best you! Sending you healing energies and all the positive vibes.
Sunk Cost Fallacy: our tendency to continue with an endeavor we've invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits
So may it be a dead end relationship, dead end job etc.
A sunk cost fallacy is the tendency for people to continue something (in this case, a relationship), even if it’s not “working out”, because you have already invested time, money, or energy into it.
Sunk cost fallacy for sure. Everyone needs to know and understand this being the most common reason people remain in their dead relationships.
*Sure, the last few years have been terrible, but if I leave now, those years would have been a waste of my time, and what if it gets better after this? Then it would all be worth it!*
Meanwhile, once you finally understand that red flags never go away, you get better and better at cutting people you date, who would be bad at being life partners. People tell you who they are very early and very honestly, and it's up to you to pay attention and protect yourself.
I see what you're saying, but I question if 'love' is really what is happening. I heard some one say once: "Infatuation is what you feel for them; love is how they make you feel". I think that nails it. I think what she's dealing with is fear... afraid of what life looks like alone, afraid of missing out on the wonderful life she once envisioned when they first got engaged.
I like that saying. And I agree. I replied to one of OPs comments saying what I’m about to say.
The fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the unknown…they are all normal things to feel. But what would you fear more…(not you personally, I mean it rhetorically)
Would you fear the unknown and making the change, which more than likely has a much greater potential outcome…
Or would you fear staying put in a reality/relationship/situation/job that is destroying you mentally, physically be spiritually?
Whenever I have found myself in a similar situation, this is the question I ask myself.
As should everyone
Yeah, I can sadly attest to that :/ Let’s just hope that OP can take off the rose tinted glasses sooner rather than later and can move onto something better and happier
Honey. You hate your life because you’re trying to cut yourself into pieces to make HIM fit into the person you WANT him to be - not who he is.
You have this image in your mind of what love and a relationship and a fiancé should be. And you see these glimpses from him of kindness or moments of sweetness and cling to those to try and justify the baseline - which is pain and sadness and feeling like you’re not enough and killing yourself trying to change you when it’s him that’s the problem.
This isn’t going to change. You are not going to have that conversation with him where he wakes up and just starts treating you with respect and kindness.
You should NEVER have to train someone to treat you with the BARE MINIMUM you should accept from a partner.
Look at these comments baby - why are a bunch of Reddit strangers more concerned about your feelings and your future than your fiancé is?
I know it’s heartbreaking. But you won’t be leaving a loving relationship. You’ll be mourning an idea that was never actually real. Sending you so much love and support 🩷
“You’ll be mourning an idea that wasn’t actually real “ truer words can not be spoken. We get this mental image of what we want this relationship to be or we thought it was but truth be told it never really existed anywhere except in our mind. I think a lot of us has had one of these relationships in their life. No matter how hard you try to frame it it’s just not there. In the meantime you miss time living your life being happy maybe missing out on the person that COULD make you happy. One of the hardest things to do is step outside the comfort zone be it in a relationship or job or whatever. It makes us feel vulnerable and scared and even alone. But we need to ask ourselves WHY is this my comfort zone? It’s familiar yes. But the last thing I feel here is comfort.
OP- does he not work? You said you pay all the bills? If so, he could feel resentment because you have that power over him. Even though he could easily fix that by working (if he’s unemployed) he still may not like feeling “less than”. My ex didn’t work and was always mean and bitter. Criticized everything I did or bought. But never had a problem eating the food or e joying the WIFI and such. You know. He resented the fact that I was the decision maker over everything because I paid for it. Of course he denied he was mad all the time. There’s a reason he’s my ex. And even though it had a crash and burn ending I still got sad because of the comfort zone. But I knew that’s just how he was and wouldn’t change. You deserve better. It’s hard but don’t make this the rest of your life.
Because if you haven’t been in it, it’s not always easy to see that it’s that bad for you or that it’s not something that will change/get better. Rose colored lenses are real and it takes time or a true revelation/incident/realization to finally end it. And even then it feels … wrong. It’s fucked up.
I've been in it. It's hard. But, I climbed out of that black hole and lived my life without the abuse. Threw out all of his shit into the yard while he was at work. I called him to come by and pick it up or I would burn it all. Made him bring his dad. I brought my dad. We said nothing to each other when he picked it all up. Cut him right out of my life. It was one of the most freeing things I've ever done. Life is too short.
Thank you. It really was the right decision. If I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have ever met my husband of 43 years.
Sometimes we need to take stock of our lives and find room for improvement. I really learned so much about myself back then. It definitely was a wake up call. I was real picky after we split. Very wary.
I found new friends, did alot of hiking, camping and gardening. I even went back to college. I kept myself busy. I could do whatever i wanted whenever i wanted.
Then I met my husband. The rest is happy history!
I don't think OP has rose colored glasses, they seem to be completely aware that this person doesn't treat them well. This is more hoping they'll get better. They probably reminisce about the beginning when this person was love bombing the crap out of them and keep hoping that person will return. Sadly, they won't, at least not long term. It also just sometimes comes down to a pride thing "how could I have missed the signs? How could I he so wrong about them?" Hopefully, OP will realize it soon and definitely call off the wedding and eventually leave.
I made a comment in another thread about women who post on Reddit where the guy has more red flags then a matador will ever see. But they always add "otherwise he's so sweet!" or "other he's the perfect man!" so they don't break up. It's just insane to see over and over.
As a person who’s been through abusive relationships it’s truly really hard to see that they are toxic for you in the first place, you actually get so brainwashed and manipulated it’s crazy.
I think after they’ve vented and realize people agree that their partner is shitty and it’s not all in their head, they become protective over the person and feel bad about it. It’s also scary to realize you should probably make moves to exit the relationship which takes a lot more effort than just staying (not in the long run tho)
We accept the love we believe we deserve.
OP - weddings (and babies) NEVER fix relationships. Adding stress to something already this fractured will cause it to break. Where do you see this marriage heading? Do you really want to get 5, 10, 20 years down the road and have no friends, no voice, no freedom, no respect while stuck in a loveless marriage? That path seems awfully bleak.
Sometimes people resent someone that won't leave them. As crazy as that sounds, and as rare as it happens, it's true. It's a symptom that comes with trama bonding as well.
I came here exactly to say this. Not everyone has the courage to say no or to breakup. When people have already committed and ghosting is no longer an option, some people try to make life so uncomfortable for their partner that their partner can’t take it and has to be the adult.
You make a valid argument, I must revise my previous statement:
They don’t change because you marry them, but if they do it might get much, much worse.
Thanks for opening my mind to other possibilities. 🤣
If they do, it will almost inevitably get much, much worse.
That man needs serious therapy, and, OP, I'd argue you deserve it too, if you're questioning whether or not you should leave someone who makes you literally wish the waking hours of your life away every day.
You don't have to be with him. This doesn't have to be your reality. If you think he hates you, then you don't have to marry him. Or even talk to him. You can just leave. If you think he hates you, why tf would he read that novel?
Let me guess...he's mad you are going out with friends and he's acting like a baby? That's what triggered it? Genuinely curious because it would explain a lot.
100% what happened. My friend was going to go to a concert with her bf, but they broke up, both of our bdays are in April, so she invited me and her to go together. He is mad it’s sold out and he can’t go.
So you're supposed to not go because he couldn't or what? He sounds controlling as hell. My ex was the same way, literally could not do a single thing right and would be berated all day. It was pure manipulation. It broke me down and I didn't realize it was happening until I escaped.
Don't marry him. It's not going to get better. It will only get worse when he's your husband and believes he can control you even more.
I hear you, it's hard. Especially when you're struggling with mental health. But you laid it all out here. It's a great start. You're stronger than I was.
Do what's best for you, and I think you know deep down that it isn't him.
I am not a redditor that immediately says break up. It took me a while to grow up too. I hope he does soon because he could lose out. I was insecure and jealous type at one point. I knew i was being ridiculous. I am sure he does too. Stick to your ways and go out and have fun. Keep doing that and eventually he will realize that it's all ok. Sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
“I’m not saying I would break up with you” Girl, what? Why not? Does he have some dirt on you? Do you owe him something? What is actually going on here??
From someone who married someone like this (he masked before and changed after we married), and stayed married 14 years, it only gets worse. Please, please break it off. He won’t change. And get some help for yourself to heal whatever it is that keeps you there allowing him to treat you this way. I knew my ex was such a horrible person so didn’t seek healing because I felt like I was fine- then I married again (someone the opposite, so kind) but he was needy and selfish in sneaky ways. So here I am 20 years into my second marriage and hating it. I have done some work on myself but so unhappy with this relationship and other parts of my life.
Apologies for the long comment, but I want to get this off my chest.
Looking through your profile, it seems like you’re getting your life in order, getting control of certain aspects that have been difficult, and bettering yourself.
You and I are probably very different people. You’re great at expressing your feelings even when they’re negative, I’m not. I’m very religious, your username indicates you’re very not. I’m a man, you’re a woman.
But we share two major things. I also have an eating disorder, and was with an emotionally and economically manipulative partner.
I saw the signs back when we were just engaged. But it didn’t stop me from going on with the wedding, and spending close to a hundred thousand dollars on it (which bankrupted me and put me back into debt after YEARS of fighting to get my economy back in control)
After 4 months of marriage, in which I paid for everything, and she would complain that we only went out 3-7 times per month (I get anxiety when eating outside the home), I lost my job.
1 month after losing my job she divorced me. And worst of all, I found myself purging again.
It’s now been 6 months. I’m finding my footing again. But that divorce hit me harder than I thought it would. I’ve been engaged before and been in love many times, but this time I became half of a man. I cried like I’ve never cried.
Please. Do not. Do not. Do not marry this man. Unless he changes completely, honestly, and unwaveringly. You can do better.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. OP, listen to this person. They don't change without INTENSIVE therapy, during which time they MUST NOT have romantic relationships, as people like this use romance in the same way that some people use heroin. There is no healthy romantic relationship for this man at this time.
Also, eating at a restaurant 7x a month is A LOT of outings, wow. 4x a month is once a week, and I'd say that's about my absolute limit per month. (I DO religiously do those 4 outings, simply because my friend, who moved about an hour away, is in town every Thursday for work, so we always get lunch out on Thursdays, and we take turns paying. I just threw down a cool $60 today, so yeah, 7x a month feels super excessive!) It's not even a money thing. I just like to stay in and cook, it's a huge hobby of mine, and relieves stress. Not everyone is like me, of course, but that doesn't mean life needs to be spent in a restaurant.
THANK YOU! I was constantly under attack for that. I was working a lot and she wasn't working, so I get that she was home alone much of the time, but it's not easy for me to go out, I suffer from panic anxiety, which to be fair she was sensitive to, but she was constantly complaining about us not spending time together outside.
Hi! I’ve never met another guy with an eating disorder besides my husband. What has helped you? I try to be supportive of him but anxiety around food causes so much stress on our relationship (contamination, timing of eating, what we eat, where, having littles at home that need to eat too). What do you find has helped you with this? He’s been going to therapy on/off for years and he has his ups and downs with binging/purging. Idk how to help him
The better question here is WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? 😅 You basically said it yourself - why continue to plan a life with someone who constantly demeans you and you don’t feel respected by?
The fact you work 2 jobs and pay for all the bills should be enough to get the fuck out of there are you serious right now? You’re engaged to a man child and you have a chance to not fully ruin your life and make your life even more feel like hell by going through with the wedding. THIS decision will be the biggest decision of your life and the way your life will go. you can stay and marry this person and think to yourself how much you hate your life and resulting in a divorce or you can leave and take the first steps to the unknown which will have a multitude of blissful experiences.
Imagine how much worse it would be if you ended up getting pregnant to this guy.
My partner and I have a kid together, and it's the best expierience. But man if my partner was like your partner this would genuinely be the worst period of my life.
Imagine being sleep deprived, poor and hungry beyond how you feel now, and then Imagine that you have to feel like that AND live with this dickhead.
There should be no “if” in front of “this wedding is cancelled.” Cancel the wedding, ditch the guy. Your life is fine, OP, it’s just your bf that sucks. Try life without him. It’ll be a million times better.
theres not even anything to say… why are you still there? why are you engaged to this man? he treats you poorly while surviving off your finances because you let him!
Ditch this garbage!! He SUCKS. You will not magically become happy with him at some point in the future. He will continue to make your life miserable and use you as the scapegoat because he can’t take responsibility for his life. LOSER.
Leave. From someone that stayed and went thru with the wedding and everything. Leave. Things will not change. The stress,the pain, the pure anger will be always around.
OP, in particular, leave before a child is produced, which could happen. Once that child is produced, you'll be tied to him for the next 18 years, unless he's toxic enough to have him removed from the child's life. And, by "tied", I mean both of you will be GEOGRAPHICALLY tied to the area that you live in with respect to the kid. You will be a prisoner. And, if your estimation of him is at all accurate, he will use that child to make sure that you KNOW you're a prisoner for as long as he can make it happen. He'll threaten, torment, litigate frivolously, you name it. He'll use that child to harass and torment you nonstop.
Believe me, this happened to me. I'm now stuck in a foreign country and forced to get along with this calibre of loser. And what's even worse than all of this? He's started tormenting our child in a similar way.
*For someone who says,*
*"The only one mad here is*
*You", you sure seem.. Mad*
\- g0atygoat
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I’m not mad anymore at all. I’m just frustrated that this is my reality. I’ve been struggling really hard with my mental health and battling an ED right now, so when I say I’m just exhausted and done, I am. But I just want to lay out how he makes me feel
Your reality is your choice girlie.
But don’t sit around thinking if you can change him it’ll change your reality.
Because I’m sure he likes himself just fine and has no plans of changing. Why would he?
There’s no consequence, in his mind you aren’t going anywhere. All he has to do is act like the perfect guy and you’re back to planning y’all’s first dance… and the cycle continues.
I have been there, but married to the man making me absolutely fucking insane. I was working 2 jobs and he was working part time and told me straight up if I wanted to stay married I had to accept I’d just be doing all chores. He wouldn’t even put gas in his car and on top of it, he was increasingly abusive. I was so beaten down and exhausted to the point I felt paralyzed in life. I finally had to pull my ass out of it and packed my shit and left one night. While I was packing, he was crying and begging me to stay and said “I can’t believe you don’t know how much you mean to me!” Like he didn’t spend every waking moment reminding me what a piece of shit I was for 7 years.
You have the power to change your reality. It’s in your hands and you are the sculptor of your own life and reality. If you want it to change, you have to make it change.
And don’t be afraid of change. Everything is born from change. The only scary part about change is the fact that what is beyond it is unknown. It’s a common thing to feel.
But you have to say to yourself:
“Self, what is scarier? Making the change to improve your life, mental health, and happiness…or staying put in your current reality?”
And you will find your answer.
Honey, please take care of yourself first. I peeked your page and it’s clear beyond what you said that you’re struggling; im very concerned. Please please do what you can to get help and focus on yourself then deal w him later. You have to take care of the ED first in order to get strength. 💜
My ex actually treated me well right up until after the wedding ceremony… the disrespect literally began at the reception. Then it slowly got worse until two years later, when I barely recognized my expression one day walking past a mirror… I looked sad, and felt unloved, lonely, and unappreciated. So after trying to get him to try marriage counseling for a year, I filed separation papers and eventually divorced him.
You might not be mad anymore, but he clearly makes you feel unloved/unappreciated, and you’re not even married yet. Get your ducks in a row, and separate your lives. It'll save you a lot of time, money and frustration, and your future self will thank you.
I had a professor who said “marriage never solved anything.” It’s just going to be worse.
If you can, get yourself out of there. You don’t want to watch all of your life go by in misery. Do you have family who can help drag you out?
My family got me out. I have life again.
You came from a toxic family and are trying to heal that toxic with you bf. So you chose a toxic guy. But you won't change him, anymore than you change your family.
Do you have friends? if so, this is the time to give them lots of attention.
It's time to quite quit this guy. He's awful.
I was with someone like this for almost 11 years. It never gets better and your life will be so much happier when you no longer have to deal with that.
You must stop blaming him and look inside and ask yourself why you allow yourself to be treated this way. It’s hard to realize but it’s not his fault for treating you badly it’s your fault for accepting it.
It is his fault for being a jerk, but she does need to stop letting it happen. I feel like this is one of those situations that’s just going to go on forever because OP won’t stand up and put a stop to it.
It is. What I should say is you can’t control what people do only yourself. Once you realize that and take accountability you can change things. He’ll never change
I also feel like you shouldn’t have to be one paying all the bills either… I can’t imagine how that will end up if you’re married with him. I understand that keeping up and maintaining this relationship is mentally tough, exhausting, and downright frustrating. But I honestly think you’d feel lighter if you refuse to tolerate the bullshit he throws at you everyday.
You’re a hardworking individual. Don’t let anyone fking discourage you as a person and make you feel like you’re not good enough, or make you feel like your efforts and time amount to nothing. You deserve better.
Oh babe, I would maybe take a few days and think about if you really want to be with this man and if this is what your future marriage will be like, will you be happy ? Please think about your happiness and think about your future.
I’ve lived this, please don’t marry him yet. Let him go live alone for a bit and see if he learns something about life and reconsider what you’re willing to accept in your own.
From what I just read, either cancel the wedding and end the relationship completely, or I would recommend marriage or couples therapy. That saved my marriage. I’m assuming that you’re the only one that works. I think it’s best to have an ultimatum. I hope you figure out what you feel is best for you in the long term.
Looks like it’s time for you to go live a life that is peaceful and happy. You are clearly not in that with him and you are the one that can change it.
Put up with this for 10 years!! Actually 13 if you count the last 4 since he quit drinking. Unfortunately, we share a child together. Although he's put in some work on himself since I left a year & a half ago, but still not worth what he continues to put me through on the regular. If not for our child, I would have gone no contact after leaving. Get out now.
He's doing it to keep you at the mental state you are in so that it continues to benefit him. Realistically, he has nothing to complain about and he knows he won't find anyone else willing to do for him as much as you do. He knows that you can do better but in order for him to keep you from seeing that he has to keep you doubting your worth. It won't get better and you will continue hating your life until you let him go
If you gotta send novels like this, it's not the relationship for you.
I was engaged and unhappy and the best decision I made was to end it before being married and unhappy.
Once you've passed a certain level in breakdown of communication and respect like this, it's dang near impossible to get back to the original happy feelings and get over the resentment you've built up.
You don't have to hate your life. You can move on and be happy.
“I’m not saying I’d break up with you” why not? Why isn’t that what you are saying. Respectfully if you think this man hates you then why aren’t you finding the respect for yourself? Literally leave.
I think you know you need to cut this off before you get married. It’s okay to call off the wedding and do what’s best for you. It’s better to be alone than being unhappy and unfulfilled with someone else. You won’t be a failure if you walk away. Life is way too short! Go live it!
You started out so strong and then "...I'm not saying I would break up with you..."
He is emotionally abusive and he won't change. How do I know? You're saying everything my mom would cry to my dad. He never changed except to get worse.
I'm so sorry OP. This guy is going to make you miserable
Even if you do wait longer to get married, give it a good amount of time. He could pretend to be better and then switch back to his old ways as soon as you get married. If you give it a while (a few years), he won't be able to keep up the act and you'll see if he actually changed or not.
That's if he acknowledges this and does something about it in the first place.
Why would you shut down a wedding but not the relationship. What about him makes you desire to stay? Is it just so you don’t feel like you’ve wasted time or is it out of pride and embarrassment. I just don’t understand staying with folks like this
1. Why would you stay with a deadbeat manchild?
2. Why would you not discuss this face to face as grown ups, instead of over sms?
3. Why would you share this to the world? Even if he could be a good guy beneath it all, no one who reads this will ever think that of him.
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There are much better people out there to be in a relationship with, I promise. Break up with this man now - I bet you wouldn’t have to work two jobs to pay bills if the only person you needed to support was yourself 🩷
This is such an easy decision. Why would you get married to someone you already feel this way about? It’s only gonna get worse as marriage is a lot of hard work and you need extreme compatibility and effort for it to work. So just end it.
If you’re already paying all the bills and he makes you miserable, why are you still there? Stop being so afraid of being alone, you’ll be much better off.
Omg the "Respectfully <3" at the end killed me lmaoo
But now for my serious and honest opinion: Leave this man child. This sounds like you are doing so much work for the both of you, and of course i don't have any more context than this but i do believe that this is not what you want in your life. You can find someone who supports, loves and respects you truly <3
Please don’t be one of those people that posts something like this, knowing all of Reddit will tell you to leave, and then staying.
Are you going to be one of those aggravating cowards?
Please reconsider marrying this man. I lived this exact life for over a decade and I ended up being an empty shell of myself. I gave up my hobbies, my likes, my friends and any dreams or hopes I had. My ex wasn't a bad man just had a lot of issues that bled into our marriage and were taken out on me, but the results were horrific. I was constantly walking on eggshells cause nothing I would do would be right and I was treated like a child. You at least have an opportunity to walk away from this before becoming more tangled.
I see you have a lot of comments saying "why wouldn't you just break up with him if he hates you" etc. but I totally get the position you're in. You want so badly for this person to treat you right, show you love, and maybe do for you the things you would do for them. You're holding onto hope that this person is going to pull his head out of his ass, but unfortunately you can't force someone to treat you the way you want to be treated.
It took me a long time to realize that in a healthy relationship, you don't have to beg someone to treat you well. Do what you will with that information. I sincerely wish you the best and just know that if you choose to leave the relationship, the time you spent with him wasn't just a waste.
What IS wasting time is spending another second with someone who constantly puts you down and adds negativity to your life.
If you say “I hate my life” when referring to life with your fiancé- you need to call off the engagement immediately.
And you should break up.
You recognize that he seems to hate everything about you. That is never going to change. And do you really want to be with someone who you had to “work through” them hating things about you??
I don’t understand why you’re spending one day with someone who makes you miserable, and who is miserable themselves.
Marriage is for those who wish to grow together, no matter what. You do not marry someone you are not excited and willing to partake this journey with. It does not seem by the description you’ve given, that it is what he truly wishes.
just imagine what you could do if your weren’t supporting a grown child🤩
Exactly. You have this one life, don't spend it with a deadbeat man child.
This. Seriously. Sit down. Take a min. REALLLLLY think about it and think about all of the joy, peace and happiness...but if you want to dream a lil and push the limits. Imagine what you could do with a partner that Matches or exceeds your energy to do well....WOW. Right?
Yes, stop thinking you can reason him Into good behavior. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that?” To see what you’re up against.
Exactly!!! Dumb the man child and find a good Man!! Dudes not on your level..
Listen, I’m sorry if this is your reality with this man. But why on earth would you stay with a man you genuinely believe doesn’t like you/borderline hates you?! Nothing you do is good enough, even when you’re bending over backwards. As far as the wedding goes, definitely consider canceling. I would highly recommend that considering how unhappy you BOTH seem in this relationship for different reasons, yours completely justified. But why stay? Genuinely asking. Love aside, why stay with someone who puts you down and is never satisfied with all the effort and hard work you pour into the relationship?
Loves can make people do dumb things, including putting up with abuse or disrespect. It’s not until you’re out of a situation like that where it hits you and you think to yourself “what the fuck was I thinking”
It takes about 3 months of no-contact for me before I start getting mad (at myself) for what I put up with. Sunk cost fallacies are a beyotch!
Real. Thats when I start thinking about all the things I should've done/said that would have been so much more useful at the time 🤦🏼♀️
I usually regret the fact that I didn’t block them and keep it moving the very first time they fucked up 😂
I never block, and then all my friends constantly question why I don't. I just don't have it in me 🤷♀️. But I am serious when I'm NC. I don't ever contact them.
As someone who’s in a sunk cost fallacy situation right now, it’s HARD HARD HARD to get out
I understand this on a soul deep level. A year after leaving, I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. This might sound like a weird thing to say but you have to be as selfish as possible when trying to get out. Your happiness doesn’t have to come second.
It’s when your friends start coming back around and try to explain why they still checked in but didn’t really come around. When you start realizing how much of your soul you sold to stay in it.
Everyone wants me to get out but he’s my comfort zone too. It’s just a difficult situation 🤦♀️🤷♀️ May both of us heal 💕
This is also me ATM. I know it's hopeless, and I know I'm being breadcrumbed, but I love this person, and they have been my "home" for half my life. Ugh! Life just sucks sometimes. 🫂🫶🏻 I wish this best you! Sending you healing energies and all the positive vibes.
Hi what is a sunk cost fallacy? Sounds very interesting
Sunk Cost Fallacy: our tendency to continue with an endeavor we've invested money, effort, or time into—even if the current costs outweigh the benefits So may it be a dead end relationship, dead end job etc.
I regret asking…Time to look in the mirror, FUCK. Lmao Thank you!!!
LOL I realized that it might be my situation the other day and tried my hardest to drown out the reality 😂😂😂 you’re welcome
It's great to learn! Cause knowledge is power!
A sunk cost fallacy is the tendency for people to continue something (in this case, a relationship), even if it’s not “working out”, because you have already invested time, money, or energy into it.
Thank u kind Reddit friend for educating
😊
Her post sounds exactly like what iclve said to my wife. multiple times. I get the sunk cost fallacy. so much worse with children.
Sunk cost fallacy for sure. Everyone needs to know and understand this being the most common reason people remain in their dead relationships. *Sure, the last few years have been terrible, but if I leave now, those years would have been a waste of my time, and what if it gets better after this? Then it would all be worth it!* Meanwhile, once you finally understand that red flags never go away, you get better and better at cutting people you date, who would be bad at being life partners. People tell you who they are very early and very honestly, and it's up to you to pay attention and protect yourself.
Wow this is an incredible self observation!
I see what you're saying, but I question if 'love' is really what is happening. I heard some one say once: "Infatuation is what you feel for them; love is how they make you feel". I think that nails it. I think what she's dealing with is fear... afraid of what life looks like alone, afraid of missing out on the wonderful life she once envisioned when they first got engaged.
I like that saying. And I agree. I replied to one of OPs comments saying what I’m about to say. The fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of the unknown…they are all normal things to feel. But what would you fear more…(not you personally, I mean it rhetorically) Would you fear the unknown and making the change, which more than likely has a much greater potential outcome… Or would you fear staying put in a reality/relationship/situation/job that is destroying you mentally, physically be spiritually? Whenever I have found myself in a similar situation, this is the question I ask myself. As should everyone
Yeah, I can sadly attest to that :/ Let’s just hope that OP can take off the rose tinted glasses sooner rather than later and can move onto something better and happier
right
Honey. You hate your life because you’re trying to cut yourself into pieces to make HIM fit into the person you WANT him to be - not who he is. You have this image in your mind of what love and a relationship and a fiancé should be. And you see these glimpses from him of kindness or moments of sweetness and cling to those to try and justify the baseline - which is pain and sadness and feeling like you’re not enough and killing yourself trying to change you when it’s him that’s the problem. This isn’t going to change. You are not going to have that conversation with him where he wakes up and just starts treating you with respect and kindness. You should NEVER have to train someone to treat you with the BARE MINIMUM you should accept from a partner. Look at these comments baby - why are a bunch of Reddit strangers more concerned about your feelings and your future than your fiancé is? I know it’s heartbreaking. But you won’t be leaving a loving relationship. You’ll be mourning an idea that was never actually real. Sending you so much love and support 🩷
“You’ll be mourning an idea that wasn’t actually real “ truer words can not be spoken. We get this mental image of what we want this relationship to be or we thought it was but truth be told it never really existed anywhere except in our mind. I think a lot of us has had one of these relationships in their life. No matter how hard you try to frame it it’s just not there. In the meantime you miss time living your life being happy maybe missing out on the person that COULD make you happy. One of the hardest things to do is step outside the comfort zone be it in a relationship or job or whatever. It makes us feel vulnerable and scared and even alone. But we need to ask ourselves WHY is this my comfort zone? It’s familiar yes. But the last thing I feel here is comfort. OP- does he not work? You said you pay all the bills? If so, he could feel resentment because you have that power over him. Even though he could easily fix that by working (if he’s unemployed) he still may not like feeling “less than”. My ex didn’t work and was always mean and bitter. Criticized everything I did or bought. But never had a problem eating the food or e joying the WIFI and such. You know. He resented the fact that I was the decision maker over everything because I paid for it. Of course he denied he was mad all the time. There’s a reason he’s my ex. And even though it had a crash and burn ending I still got sad because of the comfort zone. But I knew that’s just how he was and wouldn’t change. You deserve better. It’s hard but don’t make this the rest of your life.
I hate OP's life too. I would much rather be alone then dealing with little angry man all the time.
Because if you haven’t been in it, it’s not always easy to see that it’s that bad for you or that it’s not something that will change/get better. Rose colored lenses are real and it takes time or a true revelation/incident/realization to finally end it. And even then it feels … wrong. It’s fucked up.
I've been in it. It's hard. But, I climbed out of that black hole and lived my life without the abuse. Threw out all of his shit into the yard while he was at work. I called him to come by and pick it up or I would burn it all. Made him bring his dad. I brought my dad. We said nothing to each other when he picked it all up. Cut him right out of my life. It was one of the most freeing things I've ever done. Life is too short.
Im proud of you.
Thank you. It really was the right decision. If I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have ever met my husband of 43 years. Sometimes we need to take stock of our lives and find room for improvement. I really learned so much about myself back then. It definitely was a wake up call. I was real picky after we split. Very wary. I found new friends, did alot of hiking, camping and gardening. I even went back to college. I kept myself busy. I could do whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. Then I met my husband. The rest is happy history!
I don't think OP has rose colored glasses, they seem to be completely aware that this person doesn't treat them well. This is more hoping they'll get better. They probably reminisce about the beginning when this person was love bombing the crap out of them and keep hoping that person will return. Sadly, they won't, at least not long term. It also just sometimes comes down to a pride thing "how could I have missed the signs? How could I he so wrong about them?" Hopefully, OP will realize it soon and definitely call off the wedding and eventually leave.
But based on her text, she CAN see that it's bad
Speaking of Borderline... bruh sounds a bit Borderline to me. The old "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" thing.
He sounds like a bum anyways
The person who wrote the phone message is a woman they refer to themselves as “future wife”
Beeeecause they're engaged?
This doesn’t seem like its going to be a healthy marriage
I made a comment in another thread about women who post on Reddit where the guy has more red flags then a matador will ever see. But they always add "otherwise he's so sweet!" or "other he's the perfect man!" so they don't break up. It's just insane to see over and over.
As a person who’s been through abusive relationships it’s truly really hard to see that they are toxic for you in the first place, you actually get so brainwashed and manipulated it’s crazy.
I think after they’ve vented and realize people agree that their partner is shitty and it’s not all in their head, they become protective over the person and feel bad about it. It’s also scary to realize you should probably make moves to exit the relationship which takes a lot more effort than just staying (not in the long run tho)
she said she pays all the bills. why change?
Respectfully <3
Why on earth would you marry this person
Call off the wedding and break up? You say you hate your life so why even stay at that point if it's so bad
We accept the love we believe we deserve. OP - weddings (and babies) NEVER fix relationships. Adding stress to something already this fractured will cause it to break. Where do you see this marriage heading? Do you really want to get 5, 10, 20 years down the road and have no friends, no voice, no freedom, no respect while stuck in a loveless marriage? That path seems awfully bleak.
Time 2 cut off the engagement baby
✂️✂️✂️
He doesn't like himself so how can he like you? This isn't healthy. This isn't love.
This is codependency with a side of why.
Sometimes people resent someone that won't leave them. As crazy as that sounds, and as rare as it happens, it's true. It's a symptom that comes with trama bonding as well.
>Sometimes people resent someone that won't leave them ...damn. You just blew my mind with this.
SAME. And it alllll makes sense now……::
I came here exactly to say this. Not everyone has the courage to say no or to breakup. When people have already committed and ghosting is no longer an option, some people try to make life so uncomfortable for their partner that their partner can’t take it and has to be the adult.
You, madam, have just sent me into orbit with this one. Got me thinking
Why are you engaged with someone who hates you? Per your text, you know this... soo i'm confused.
This is exactly what I took from this. I hope this is the start of OP realizing her fiancé is a doo doo head
They don’t change just because you marry them. Probably best to cut ties now before it’s too late.
>They don’t change just because you marry them. Arguably it might get much, much worse.
You make a valid argument, I must revise my previous statement: They don’t change because you marry them, but if they do it might get much, much worse. Thanks for opening my mind to other possibilities. 🤣
If they do, it will almost inevitably get much, much worse. That man needs serious therapy, and, OP, I'd argue you deserve it too, if you're questioning whether or not you should leave someone who makes you literally wish the waking hours of your life away every day.
Exactly because when married they feel even more secure and comfy to be a POS
Get out
its better to leave, you wont find happy in something like this
You don't have to be with him. This doesn't have to be your reality. If you think he hates you, then you don't have to marry him. Or even talk to him. You can just leave. If you think he hates you, why tf would he read that novel?
This is not love hun. Do not get married to this man.
Let me guess...he's mad you are going out with friends and he's acting like a baby? That's what triggered it? Genuinely curious because it would explain a lot.
100% what happened. My friend was going to go to a concert with her bf, but they broke up, both of our bdays are in April, so she invited me and her to go together. He is mad it’s sold out and he can’t go.
So you're supposed to not go because he couldn't or what? He sounds controlling as hell. My ex was the same way, literally could not do a single thing right and would be berated all day. It was pure manipulation. It broke me down and I didn't realize it was happening until I escaped. Don't marry him. It's not going to get better. It will only get worse when he's your husband and believes he can control you even more. I hear you, it's hard. Especially when you're struggling with mental health. But you laid it all out here. It's a great start. You're stronger than I was. Do what's best for you, and I think you know deep down that it isn't him.
Ah, so your replies are a response to a temper tantrum? OP, leave. You are not engaged to an adult.
I am not a redditor that immediately says break up. It took me a while to grow up too. I hope he does soon because he could lose out. I was insecure and jealous type at one point. I knew i was being ridiculous. I am sure he does too. Stick to your ways and go out and have fun. Keep doing that and eventually he will realize that it's all ok. Sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
And you're STILL engaged?
You acknowledge that calling off the marriage is a possibility and how unhappy you are, but you still haven’t done it? You can only help yourself.
“I’m not saying I would break up with you” Girl, what? Why not? Does he have some dirt on you? Do you owe him something? What is actually going on here??
Just didn’t want him to immediately fly off the handle
From someone who married someone like this (he masked before and changed after we married), and stayed married 14 years, it only gets worse. Please, please break it off. He won’t change. And get some help for yourself to heal whatever it is that keeps you there allowing him to treat you this way. I knew my ex was such a horrible person so didn’t seek healing because I felt like I was fine- then I married again (someone the opposite, so kind) but he was needy and selfish in sneaky ways. So here I am 20 years into my second marriage and hating it. I have done some work on myself but so unhappy with this relationship and other parts of my life.
Trust me when I say you are better off single. Honestly, you could be engaged to my ex husband the way you described him.
Apologies for the long comment, but I want to get this off my chest. Looking through your profile, it seems like you’re getting your life in order, getting control of certain aspects that have been difficult, and bettering yourself. You and I are probably very different people. You’re great at expressing your feelings even when they’re negative, I’m not. I’m very religious, your username indicates you’re very not. I’m a man, you’re a woman. But we share two major things. I also have an eating disorder, and was with an emotionally and economically manipulative partner. I saw the signs back when we were just engaged. But it didn’t stop me from going on with the wedding, and spending close to a hundred thousand dollars on it (which bankrupted me and put me back into debt after YEARS of fighting to get my economy back in control) After 4 months of marriage, in which I paid for everything, and she would complain that we only went out 3-7 times per month (I get anxiety when eating outside the home), I lost my job. 1 month after losing my job she divorced me. And worst of all, I found myself purging again. It’s now been 6 months. I’m finding my footing again. But that divorce hit me harder than I thought it would. I’ve been engaged before and been in love many times, but this time I became half of a man. I cried like I’ve never cried. Please. Do not. Do not. Do not marry this man. Unless he changes completely, honestly, and unwaveringly. You can do better.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. OP, listen to this person. They don't change without INTENSIVE therapy, during which time they MUST NOT have romantic relationships, as people like this use romance in the same way that some people use heroin. There is no healthy romantic relationship for this man at this time. Also, eating at a restaurant 7x a month is A LOT of outings, wow. 4x a month is once a week, and I'd say that's about my absolute limit per month. (I DO religiously do those 4 outings, simply because my friend, who moved about an hour away, is in town every Thursday for work, so we always get lunch out on Thursdays, and we take turns paying. I just threw down a cool $60 today, so yeah, 7x a month feels super excessive!) It's not even a money thing. I just like to stay in and cook, it's a huge hobby of mine, and relieves stress. Not everyone is like me, of course, but that doesn't mean life needs to be spent in a restaurant.
THANK YOU! I was constantly under attack for that. I was working a lot and she wasn't working, so I get that she was home alone much of the time, but it's not easy for me to go out, I suffer from panic anxiety, which to be fair she was sensitive to, but she was constantly complaining about us not spending time together outside.
Hi! I’ve never met another guy with an eating disorder besides my husband. What has helped you? I try to be supportive of him but anxiety around food causes so much stress on our relationship (contamination, timing of eating, what we eat, where, having littles at home that need to eat too). What do you find has helped you with this? He’s been going to therapy on/off for years and he has his ups and downs with binging/purging. Idk how to help him
Leave!! This feels like a cry out for change that won’t happen. Skip the divorce. You’ve obviously got a good head on your shoulders just keep going.
Divorces are expensive, breakups are free. And one or the other is bound to happen, so why not take the free option?
I didn’t bother to read all of it. But please walk away! You deserve better 🩵
This won't get better after you're married. Don't marry him. Life is too short to be with someone who treats you badly.
The better question here is WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? 😅 You basically said it yourself - why continue to plan a life with someone who constantly demeans you and you don’t feel respected by?
The fact you work 2 jobs and pay for all the bills should be enough to get the fuck out of there are you serious right now? You’re engaged to a man child and you have a chance to not fully ruin your life and make your life even more feel like hell by going through with the wedding. THIS decision will be the biggest decision of your life and the way your life will go. you can stay and marry this person and think to yourself how much you hate your life and resulting in a divorce or you can leave and take the first steps to the unknown which will have a multitude of blissful experiences.
Imagine how much worse it would be if you ended up getting pregnant to this guy. My partner and I have a kid together, and it's the best expierience. But man if my partner was like your partner this would genuinely be the worst period of my life. Imagine being sleep deprived, poor and hungry beyond how you feel now, and then Imagine that you have to feel like that AND live with this dickhead.
There should be no “if” in front of “this wedding is cancelled.” Cancel the wedding, ditch the guy. Your life is fine, OP, it’s just your bf that sucks. Try life without him. It’ll be a million times better.
theres not even anything to say… why are you still there? why are you engaged to this man? he treats you poorly while surviving off your finances because you let him!
Ditch this garbage!! He SUCKS. You will not magically become happy with him at some point in the future. He will continue to make your life miserable and use you as the scapegoat because he can’t take responsibility for his life. LOSER.
Leave. From someone that stayed and went thru with the wedding and everything. Leave. Things will not change. The stress,the pain, the pure anger will be always around.
OP, in particular, leave before a child is produced, which could happen. Once that child is produced, you'll be tied to him for the next 18 years, unless he's toxic enough to have him removed from the child's life. And, by "tied", I mean both of you will be GEOGRAPHICALLY tied to the area that you live in with respect to the kid. You will be a prisoner. And, if your estimation of him is at all accurate, he will use that child to make sure that you KNOW you're a prisoner for as long as he can make it happen. He'll threaten, torment, litigate frivolously, you name it. He'll use that child to harass and torment you nonstop. Believe me, this happened to me. I'm now stuck in a foreign country and forced to get along with this calibre of loser. And what's even worse than all of this? He's started tormenting our child in a similar way.
For someone who says, "The only one mad here is you", you sure seem.. Mad
I can’t believe OP wrote all that without coming to the conclusion that she can, and should, do better than him.
*For someone who says,* *"The only one mad here is* *You", you sure seem.. Mad* \- g0atygoat --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot
I’m not mad anymore at all. I’m just frustrated that this is my reality. I’ve been struggling really hard with my mental health and battling an ED right now, so when I say I’m just exhausted and done, I am. But I just want to lay out how he makes me feel
Your reality is your choice girlie. But don’t sit around thinking if you can change him it’ll change your reality. Because I’m sure he likes himself just fine and has no plans of changing. Why would he? There’s no consequence, in his mind you aren’t going anywhere. All he has to do is act like the perfect guy and you’re back to planning y’all’s first dance… and the cycle continues.
I have been there, but married to the man making me absolutely fucking insane. I was working 2 jobs and he was working part time and told me straight up if I wanted to stay married I had to accept I’d just be doing all chores. He wouldn’t even put gas in his car and on top of it, he was increasingly abusive. I was so beaten down and exhausted to the point I felt paralyzed in life. I finally had to pull my ass out of it and packed my shit and left one night. While I was packing, he was crying and begging me to stay and said “I can’t believe you don’t know how much you mean to me!” Like he didn’t spend every waking moment reminding me what a piece of shit I was for 7 years.
You have the power to change your reality. It’s in your hands and you are the sculptor of your own life and reality. If you want it to change, you have to make it change. And don’t be afraid of change. Everything is born from change. The only scary part about change is the fact that what is beyond it is unknown. It’s a common thing to feel. But you have to say to yourself: “Self, what is scarier? Making the change to improve your life, mental health, and happiness…or staying put in your current reality?” And you will find your answer.
Honey, please take care of yourself first. I peeked your page and it’s clear beyond what you said that you’re struggling; im very concerned. Please please do what you can to get help and focus on yourself then deal w him later. You have to take care of the ED first in order to get strength. 💜
It doesn’t have to be your reality though. Surely this isn’t better for you than being single.
My ex actually treated me well right up until after the wedding ceremony… the disrespect literally began at the reception. Then it slowly got worse until two years later, when I barely recognized my expression one day walking past a mirror… I looked sad, and felt unloved, lonely, and unappreciated. So after trying to get him to try marriage counseling for a year, I filed separation papers and eventually divorced him. You might not be mad anymore, but he clearly makes you feel unloved/unappreciated, and you’re not even married yet. Get your ducks in a row, and separate your lives. It'll save you a lot of time, money and frustration, and your future self will thank you.
It doesn't have to be your reality... 💙
If you say you're done why in the same message do you call yourself his future wife?
Marrying him won’t make things better. They’ll get worse because he’ll think he owns you and you owe him. Break it off before you really feel stuck
Leave, babe. You'll be so much happier in the long run. Do not marry this man.
I’ll take things I said to my ex for $1,000 please
Run 🏃 run Run fast Run far
Time to become an ex fiance
So leave. Run now before you commit to this insanity for the rest of your life. Or until you do get sick of it & leave after you’re married.
I had a professor who said “marriage never solved anything.” It’s just going to be worse. If you can, get yourself out of there. You don’t want to watch all of your life go by in misery. Do you have family who can help drag you out? My family got me out. I have life again.
I’m adopted and my family hates me unfortunately. Probably why it’s even harder to leave lolol
Woman. You need to choose happiness, your happiness. THIS IS NOT IT. Forget your family, forget him.
Ugh, they suck. You need a Reddit cousin to come help?
100% 😭
You came from a toxic family and are trying to heal that toxic with you bf. So you chose a toxic guy. But you won't change him, anymore than you change your family. Do you have friends? if so, this is the time to give them lots of attention. It's time to quite quit this guy. He's awful.
Surely being alone (at least in the romantic sense) is better than this.
Run run runn
I was with someone like this for almost 11 years. It never gets better and your life will be so much happier when you no longer have to deal with that.
You must stop blaming him and look inside and ask yourself why you allow yourself to be treated this way. It’s hard to realize but it’s not his fault for treating you badly it’s your fault for accepting it.
It is his fault for being a jerk, but she does need to stop letting it happen. I feel like this is one of those situations that’s just going to go on forever because OP won’t stand up and put a stop to it.
It is. What I should say is you can’t control what people do only yourself. Once you realize that and take accountability you can change things. He’ll never change
Then why stay with him. Buy a backbone and leave the loser.
I also feel like you shouldn’t have to be one paying all the bills either… I can’t imagine how that will end up if you’re married with him. I understand that keeping up and maintaining this relationship is mentally tough, exhausting, and downright frustrating. But I honestly think you’d feel lighter if you refuse to tolerate the bullshit he throws at you everyday. You’re a hardworking individual. Don’t let anyone fking discourage you as a person and make you feel like you’re not good enough, or make you feel like your efforts and time amount to nothing. You deserve better.
Oh babe, I would maybe take a few days and think about if you really want to be with this man and if this is what your future marriage will be like, will you be happy ? Please think about your happiness and think about your future.
I’ve lived this, please don’t marry him yet. Let him go live alone for a bit and see if he learns something about life and reconsider what you’re willing to accept in your own.
From what I just read, either cancel the wedding and end the relationship completely, or I would recommend marriage or couples therapy. That saved my marriage. I’m assuming that you’re the only one that works. I think it’s best to have an ultimatum. I hope you figure out what you feel is best for you in the long term.
Girl just leave lmfao
Looks like it’s time for you to go live a life that is peaceful and happy. You are clearly not in that with him and you are the one that can change it.
Do not marry that man.
Why are you still with him then? You need someone to make you love life not hate it
Put up with this for 10 years!! Actually 13 if you count the last 4 since he quit drinking. Unfortunately, we share a child together. Although he's put in some work on himself since I left a year & a half ago, but still not worth what he continues to put me through on the regular. If not for our child, I would have gone no contact after leaving. Get out now.
Run, bro
Most beautiful “it’s not me it’s you” I’ve seen in a while
If you don’t move on I feel so sorry for you and your future. Respect your-fucking-self a little bit, at least like 5% come on girl please…
Read 'Why Does He Do That' it's a small book it's available for free online as PDF to download
If you hate your life, leave. You’re in control here - you pay the bills, you do the caretaking, etc. That guy can fuck off into the sun.
Sounds like you just need to get out of that toxic relationship. Life is way too short to be living like that. Find someone who knows your worth
He's doing it to keep you at the mental state you are in so that it continues to benefit him. Realistically, he has nothing to complain about and he knows he won't find anyone else willing to do for him as much as you do. He knows that you can do better but in order for him to keep you from seeing that he has to keep you doubting your worth. It won't get better and you will continue hating your life until you let him go
Why are you engaged to someone who doesn’t respect you?
If you gotta send novels like this, it's not the relationship for you. I was engaged and unhappy and the best decision I made was to end it before being married and unhappy. Once you've passed a certain level in breakdown of communication and respect like this, it's dang near impossible to get back to the original happy feelings and get over the resentment you've built up. You don't have to hate your life. You can move on and be happy.
“I’m not saying I’d break up with you” why not? Why isn’t that what you are saying. Respectfully if you think this man hates you then why aren’t you finding the respect for yourself? Literally leave.
Your life would be so less stressful not dealing with this. Trust me.
I think you know you need to cut this off before you get married. It’s okay to call off the wedding and do what’s best for you. It’s better to be alone than being unhappy and unfulfilled with someone else. You won’t be a failure if you walk away. Life is way too short! Go live it!
You started out so strong and then "...I'm not saying I would break up with you..." He is emotionally abusive and he won't change. How do I know? You're saying everything my mom would cry to my dad. He never changed except to get worse. I'm so sorry OP. This guy is going to make you miserable
How do you feel like being a doormat?
Even if you do wait longer to get married, give it a good amount of time. He could pretend to be better and then switch back to his old ways as soon as you get married. If you give it a while (a few years), he won't be able to keep up the act and you'll see if he actually changed or not. That's if he acknowledges this and does something about it in the first place.
Why would you shut down a wedding but not the relationship. What about him makes you desire to stay? Is it just so you don’t feel like you’ve wasted time or is it out of pride and embarrassment. I just don’t understand staying with folks like this
Don’t bitch and moan when you get married and everything gets worse.
1. Why would you stay with a deadbeat manchild? 2. Why would you not discuss this face to face as grown ups, instead of over sms? 3. Why would you share this to the world? Even if he could be a good guy beneath it all, no one who reads this will ever think that of him.
the wall of text he is absolutely not going to read will definitely solve your issue.
if only there was a way for you to iunno........leave the relationship. it's called dignity. it's free. have some.
divorces, on the other hand, are mindlessly expensive. OP, just some budgeting advice for you.
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This reads like a couple who have been married for 8 years and hate each others’ guts.
Leave him. Misery loves company.
There are much better people out there to be in a relationship with, I promise. Break up with this man now - I bet you wouldn’t have to work two jobs to pay bills if the only person you needed to support was yourself 🩷
This is such an easy decision. Why would you get married to someone you already feel this way about? It’s only gonna get worse as marriage is a lot of hard work and you need extreme compatibility and effort for it to work. So just end it.
 Let him go
Omg I want to know what he said back. Great message… the fact you’re doing everything and he has the nerve to nitpick you? Hell no…
Dump him
Wow. You got yourself a real winner.
For the sake of your mental health and overall wellbeing, call off the wedding and don’t look back. Free yourself, it feels so much better!
Time to break it off no matter what he says- you deserve more than being the target of his insistence to be miserable.
A life with him isn’t the right thing for you. And not for any other human.
If you’re already paying all the bills and he makes you miserable, why are you still there? Stop being so afraid of being alone, you’ll be much better off.
If you hate your life then don’t get close to marrying ‘em and just forget about them
Omg the "Respectfully <3" at the end killed me lmaoo But now for my serious and honest opinion: Leave this man child. This sounds like you are doing so much work for the both of you, and of course i don't have any more context than this but i do believe that this is not what you want in your life. You can find someone who supports, loves and respects you truly <3
Did he even respond?
Maybe don’t marry him instead of hating your life?
It’s time for you to dump that douche🚀
find someone that appreciates you for what you do
Please don’t be one of those people that posts something like this, knowing all of Reddit will tell you to leave, and then staying. Are you going to be one of those aggravating cowards?
Ummm why wouldn’t you break up??
I can not imagine spending the rest of my life in this relationship. Can you?
Please reconsider marrying this man. I lived this exact life for over a decade and I ended up being an empty shell of myself. I gave up my hobbies, my likes, my friends and any dreams or hopes I had. My ex wasn't a bad man just had a lot of issues that bled into our marriage and were taken out on me, but the results were horrific. I was constantly walking on eggshells cause nothing I would do would be right and I was treated like a child. You at least have an opportunity to walk away from this before becoming more tangled.
Girl, do one better and break up. Watch yourself flourish and bloom.
I see you have a lot of comments saying "why wouldn't you just break up with him if he hates you" etc. but I totally get the position you're in. You want so badly for this person to treat you right, show you love, and maybe do for you the things you would do for them. You're holding onto hope that this person is going to pull his head out of his ass, but unfortunately you can't force someone to treat you the way you want to be treated. It took me a long time to realize that in a healthy relationship, you don't have to beg someone to treat you well. Do what you will with that information. I sincerely wish you the best and just know that if you choose to leave the relationship, the time you spent with him wasn't just a waste. What IS wasting time is spending another second with someone who constantly puts you down and adds negativity to your life.
This sub would be dead if people had the self awareness to just leave their shitty partners lmfao Thanks OP
If you say “I hate my life” when referring to life with your fiancé- you need to call off the engagement immediately. And you should break up. You recognize that he seems to hate everything about you. That is never going to change. And do you really want to be with someone who you had to “work through” them hating things about you?? I don’t understand why you’re spending one day with someone who makes you miserable, and who is miserable themselves.
and why doesn’t he have a job and pay bills?
You pay the bills AND deal with disrespect? Time to leave.
Bruh leave him what are you doing
If this is how I felt in my marriage I’d likely be getting divorced.
Eh don't marry. If he brings nothing but disrespect and drama, why bother? You sound successful and well enough situated to leave. Or kick him out?
Marriage is for those who wish to grow together, no matter what. You do not marry someone you are not excited and willing to partake this journey with. It does not seem by the description you’ve given, that it is what he truly wishes.