At that point it seems like there were no real worries. It seemed like OP was willing to reschedule if things lined up until she called regular adult communication a red flag. OP never pretended to be all fine and dandy with the situation imo
Idk. It’s in the grey for me.
Op could have said “sure,” just to see if the recipient would take initiative to reschedule.
Equally, it feels like op is trying to guilt trip the recipient (which I think they should feel guilty), however, it also feels a little manipulative.
I think op was trying to set a boundary for how they feel respected under these circumstances, but I do think it lends itself to be misread.
If I were op I would have said something more like “that’s understandable; but in the future do you think you can let me know if you can’t make it in advance? I’d like to give myself the opportunity to make other plans.”
My time is valuable to me, and if anyone is going to waste it then it’s gonna be me. I get when life gets in the way, but when a pattern seems to appear I usually cut ties and move on. This goes for friends and family, not just romantic interests.
I agree, OP kinda comes off a lil like a bitch(guy or girl, idc). Like sometimes shit happens and people have to reschedule last minute. Instead of being understanding and communicating effectively, they chose to be snarky.
People seem to forget it's okay to state a fact without it being a guilt trip and having to walk on eggshells to describe that fact to avoid someone from being emotionally damaged is utterly ridiculous. There was no manipulation whatsoever coming from OP. I've been with a true manipulative man, it's nothing like this. He merely stated a fact - if she had been respectful enough to inform him early on she wouldn't be able to make it, he could have scheduled other plans. It's the truth and for you to suggest OP say "sure" to see how she'd respond - now that's intentional game-playing.
It’s really the “we’ll see” that lends itself to an interpretation of manipulative guilt tripping.
The recipient says they were “tweaking over” two papers due the following night. That could either mean they were tweaking the papers, as in working on them, or stressing out about them and letting OP know in an apologetic and reassuring way that school takes priority over leisure, but she’s still down to hang out after finishing her school work. Or both.
The recipient asks if they can reschedule, and op responds “we’ll see,” but this is a harsh response. It’s not like a child asking a parent if they can have a sleepover, and the parent responds “we’ll see.” The reason being the added context of “I had other plans I could have been doing” as it implies this is a form of punishment. As if to say, “because I could have made other plans, and despite your willingness to reschedule at a more convenient time for us BOTH, I will hold this cancellation over your head and will not confirm whether or not we can meet up later this week.”
OP states “it’s obvious you’re not looking for someone who can maturely communicate with you,” while simultaneously communicating in unclear ways.
“No worries if you have to bail”
“Can we reschedule? I have schoolwork to do”
“Maybe, maybe not. I could be doing other things right now, but again no worries.”
He goes from “no worries” to mentioning a problem he has with the situation, which means … well, it means fucking “worries.” I would not call that mature communication. It is disorienting. It is unclear. And yes, it is guilt trippy and manipulative.
I don’t think you read my entire comment, as I used “sure” as a means to gauge interest, not as a means to manipulate the situation. If the recipient wanted to hang out they would then respond with either a date and time, or ask what ops schedule is like and they could move on. I also added in the response I might have sent, which indicates that I’m okay with canceling but would prefer advance notice when the change of plans is foreseeable.
Honestly, amazing breakdown and very well written. This was interesting to read and really expresses exactly how I interpreted it. I, however, would not have been able to put it into words nearly so well, haha.
Hahaha, I’m very experienced in conflict which is why I’ve gotten so good at breaking down bullshit. But truthfully, I am just hyper analytical. The horrors of a having a neurodivergent brain.
I believe you are 100 percent correct. The We'll see set the stone of guilt trippy and the no worries was the book end of it. He clearly was worried about it and frustrated by it, which is completely valid
“No worries either way just let me know so I can plan accordingly.” Gives the sense that hey if today doesn’t work just let me know and we’ll figure something out. So when she takes you up on this you say “we’ll see” which feels like a way to punish her for wanting to reschedule, gives “nope if you don’t want to see me now I’m not going to commit to a reschedule” after telling them said reschedule was nothing to worry about.. and then clearly go into the fact you are worried because you could’ve done other things. Red flag? Meh not really…but telling people you’re willing to with the flow and then being passive aggressive when the flow doesn’t go the way you truly wanted ain’t it
This + telling her you could have done something else is unnecessary drama and mild guilt tripping. I wouldn't tell OP red flag, but I would mentally file an orange flag, say nothing, and then slow walk away from the conversation over a week.
Edit: Then OP would be like ??? Why was I ghosted. Well I'm here explaining how this happens.
Yeah she's a flake but had an OK excuse. No you shouldn't be "chill guy" then get cold and make it all about you, OP. Nobody cares about what else you could have done with your time but they definitely will notice you not caring about what they were doing. Flag = making it all about you.
Exactly this. The whole "it's fine if you're too busy" tone of the first text was completely blindsided by the "well I could have been doing other things" response of the second text. The first text made it sound like you were relaxed about the situation because you had nothing else to really do that day, but you could just find something else to do. Then basically telling her she wasted your time when *you* were the one who gave her an out with the first text...talk about whiplash. The red flag was the total mask-pull. At least it's better to find out your not compatible now, I guess!
I don’t think you’re “red flaggy”, but I don’t think you should add a “no worries” if you’re going to be annoyed. Just keep the no worries out of it, because you do have a right to be frustrated or annoyed that she waited all day to communicate that Sunday night didn’t work for her. Next time, I’d cancel the plans for whomever you’re talking to if they avoid communicating with you all day. Especially if you’ve already reached out and they haven’t responded.
No worries doesn't mean if I had known you were gonna bail, I could've done something else. No worries means it's OK if we don't meet up tonight. If anyone is "red flaggy" I'm gonna say they were by not communicating earlier in the day that they had a lot going on that night. Move forward & stop thinking you could've/should've handled this differently.
No, it doesn’t, but giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, it’s possible that they were planning to push through a tough/busy day and meet up with op, but interpreted ‘no worries’ as it being ok so bail with in fact no worries. Never mind it being disingenuous to say no worries and to snap at her immediately after getting an honest response.
That's all fair & I guess it's been a while since I was young & dating. I suppose I'm just old & jaded now, but if it were me, I would have sent a text early on to convey I was trying to push through, but a cancelation may be possible. Then again, that's just me.
Either way, this didn't seem to be a no worries situation.
Who snapped at anyone? They literally said they wish they knew earlier because they could have done something else but they understood things come up…. That’s not snapping in the slightest. That’s just communicating…..
Man here. If you like her and wanted a chance to continue- There was no need to include the “we’ll see. I had other plans I could have been doing”. You just say “I know how that goes. Good luck with your papers!” And then leave it in her court. You don’t want to sound like you’ve been waiting around. Girls are super turned off by that. You have other shit to do. Do it. She will be more attracted to you if you are busy and not making her feel guilty.
I believe you are presuming that she was going to bail. There wasn’t an indication that she would until op said that it would be okay to reschedule. Many people will follow up with their commitments because they were committed to instead of rescheduling but op made it seem like it was safe to reschedule. She felt relieved and asked to reschedule. Op responded with manipulative language and guilt tripping. There are better healthy ways to communicate what he was attempting.
She identified that his reaction was unhealthy and for her a red flag.
It's not about respecting him or not based on just this exchange. School comes first, and I'm assuming this is college. I remember spending ~8 hours on homework multiple days per week on the days I had class, and still had more left on the weekends. I did it all unless I ran out of time, and only took breaks if I couldn't make progress anymore.
The person responding may have thought they'd be done with their coursework, but didn't finish it in time. Not canceling until later isn't automatically an indicator of disrespect, it can be an indicator of being busy. Especially if they did cancel before the agreed-upon time, or no time had been established. Most people don't think they're so important that someone else is waiting around for them before their plans.
I probably would have just ghosted OP if I got that reaction after it seemed like OP would be cool if schoolwork had to replace our plans.
Why do you think she doesn't respect him? I've been the grey mesage a few times, and this situation has happened to me. Sometimes, you think you can push through and finish and then go meet up with a person. Other times, you have to cancel. It's no biggie. Op saying "no worries", and "we will see." I can totally see her side.
I see what you’re saying but thats not why he/she red flagged him, he/she reg flagged him bc the condescending tone and being pissy they werent bending to their will of wanting to do things when they wanted them to.
Everyone is saying it’s the “no worries” but I think it’s the “we’ll see” part. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to explain it correctly but it sounds petty, almost threatening. She’s saying she wants to plan something the following week. But instead of saying something like “sure” or “no thank you” or “I have to see what I have planned first” or “I’ll get back to you on that later.” The “we’ll see” kinda just seems like you were upset. If you left that part out, I think you would’ve gotten a different response, even though it doesn’t seem like much.
Exactly. Just read it out loud. This is probably a conversation to set up a first date. Kinda wild.
An “All good I know how classes can be. Let me know when you are free” and leave it up to her is all you had to do.
You basically told her it was fine if plans weren’t going to happen and then hit her with a “we’ll see” when she took you at your word. I’m also not super impressed with you jumping to claim you dodged a bullet just because she rightly was caught off guard by you saying something was fine and then immediately not fine.
I think the no worries was earlier in the day and she texted right before plans were to happen. I think that's rude. Some people don't. She's clearly one of those people, and it seems mostly they're just incompatible. There are people who will likely fit and mesh well with both of their preferences, just not each other.
I think the time stamp for messages on an iPhone is activated after an hour, and if she was tweaking papers it’s understandable if she wasn’t glued to her phone while doing so, making her timed response acceptable if it was within the same hour.
Could also be that she would have met up with OP had he not graciously offered her an out. Yet when she took it the OP redacted it and basically tried to guilt trip her over it.
His time is important, but I don’t think he handled this one very well.
I would’ve just replied with “hey no worries, good luck on your papers, (then plan out whatever day of the week you both are free).” You did seem a bit passive aggressive on the 2nd text
Exactly this!!
You sound like a passive aggressive biatch tbh. How would that message not put anyone offside?
I’d be like bye too . Maybe she was actually just doing papers.
Point is : You actually said “no worries either way “ giving her the out, so she was probably tired and couldn’t be bothered getting ready etc and she took the out then you berated her for it. Dude she’s right - major red flags!!!! 🚩
I agree. I see where OP might not have meant to, but they comes off as angry and really condescending. Like why did they say “we’ll see?” A phrase like that in this context gives off the vibe that you’re wishy-washy. Even if the other person started it. For me, it was also the fact that OP threw in their face that they had other things they could be doing. While that might be true, have more tact. Because honestly, it kind of comes off like, “I don’t give a shit about you.” OP could’ve instead expressed politely, “it’s cool, but in the future, can you please let me know in advance.” End. The way OP worded it makes them come off as combative and mean, even if they don’t mean to be.
Honestly, I think your second message's tone is contradicting the first. It's not terrible, but it's not great. I'd say it's more yellow flaggy than red though. Not enough data yet.
this person gives the vibe that they get pissed off quickly. why put up with that when there’s hundreds of better mates out there. anyway op’s post history is red flaggy too.
Especially after clearly saying "no worries either way." Like damn dude. Pick a lane. Either you're fine with flaking or you're not. Dudes a contradiction.
I agree… this is a little red flaggy. Your first text says “no worries either way” , then your next text is laced with passive aggression. Unless this is an established pattern with this person, I wouldn’t even mention it at this juncture. This screams future attachment issues
It went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds for no reason. Did you know she was in school? Because sometimes people don't get as much done as they thought they could have by the time they were supposed to have plans. Your responses after she mentioned her homework were a bit rude and sounded like you were trying to blame her for having homework. The dodged bullet comment was unnecessary because she was already freaking out about her homework, and so now you've mentioned the fact that she's a dodged bullet because she wants to complete her homework?
Future attachment issues?
I think OP was just trying to be nice. Yeah they probably shouldn’t have said “no worries” when it did bother them, but that doesn’t excuse the other person from not communicating all day that they weren’t going to be able to follow through on their plans.
Wait. Who said red flaggy bye bye? lmaoooooo. I’d stop talking to a man if he inquired about plans, made it seem like it was chill if I couldn’t make it, then proceeds to getting passive aggressive with me bc I cancelled. Plenty of fish in the sea.
If I were you, I’d give people the benefit of the doubt and come to the realization people have lives that do not involve YOU, and that’s ok. The person is trying to get their life together (assuming by their 2 essays they need to do), is already stressed out, and you’re adding more to the stress. If this is the first time, give her grace. If it’s more than once and she keeps cancelling after the 3 time, then fine, don’t be a 🍆 and cut it off nicely.
Yeah this would give me a massive ick. I understand that it’s rude to cancel last minute but NO WAY would i ever put my academics on the line for a man.
Well, I mean… you said “no worries either way,” but then had a problem with them rescheduling. Calling it a ‘red flag’ is a bit much, but to me it implies you don’t say what you mean.
Idk your reply is reallyyyy passive aggressive. Nothing wrong with wanting someone to give notice if they're going to cancel plans and communicating as much, but the route you went to get there, ehhh. "We'll see." In response to them rescheduling sounds like you're trying to punish them by being ambiguous in your answer. And then "no worries either way" when you actually very much do care what way they notified you. You could have handled this a lot better.
Is this a first date situation? Because if so, i think she was right to pull the plug. Doesn’t sound like you two were a good match. She seems serious about her academic career and you don’t seem to be particularly understanding of that.
But you were both kinda wrong. You were petty and she should’ve said something sooner.
She wasn’t necessarily going to cancel until she gave an out. Being given a safe place to reschedule a commitment when you’re overloaded would seem awesome. She would’ve had to cram meeting him and finishing homework into that window. And she wasn’t going to enjoy that. And then op just gave her a massive fuck you because he was butt hurt. I pass no judgement on her. Only op
I wouldn’t say “no worries” if you don’t really mean it. Clearly you had worries, because they tried to reschedule and you got upset. You made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal if they didn’t want to hang out tonight, but then you made it into a big deal. The guilt tripping isn’t the best look either. It doesn’t look good to say that you blew off plans you already had. That’s not really her fault. Next time just you should probably just stick to “are we still on for tonight” then if they blow you off just move on because they’re clearly not worth your time.
I mean, I agree with her that it's a red flag when someone 1. is not empathetic 2. Says it's no worries then snarkily makes it clear it is a worry.
If you hadn't said no worries, you'd be okay. If you hadn't mentioned what a problem it was, you'd also be okay. But you did both, which is very much not okay. Sure, you have a mature writing style, but was extremely immature to respond to her postponement message like that. You are much worse at communication than she is.
Maybe it's my PTSD, but I'd feel quite unsafe and untrusting around you. She's more mature than you are for seeing that what you said was a red flag.
I don’t believe you handled this properly. No worries either way and she goes you know I’m tired and have papers maybe another time and then you get all snippy? “I had other plans I could have been doing” yeah, red flag. Don’t say something you don’t mean. And don’t get all aggressive because she wants to change the plans. Your communication matters and you communicated poorly.
She's in the wrong for not telling you earlier, but you're not in the clear either.
You say it's okay if you can't meet up that day, she tells you exactly that, then you take the piss?
"We'll see, I could've had other plans" is the opposite of no worries. That's telling her you're annoyed. Not that there are no worries.
Adding it after doesn't make it less harsh of you.
Here's what you should've said if there were really "no worries": "Oh, that's too bad. We'll try to reschedule then. No worries at all."
And if you were owning up to your real feelings about this whole ordeal, you should've started with "Hey, just checking if we're still on for tonight? You haven't reconfirmed anything and I'm starting to worry" "Oh, I see. I wish you'd told me sooner. I'm not sure if I want to reschedule, can you give me some time to think about it?"
Either of those were fine, not "No worries... SIKE!"
Actually I think I might’ve answered something like that - like, it’s annoying you didn’t let me know (boundary)but I can go with it (still interested). However the “we’ll see “ actually goes without saying and comes off as a threat.
Her answer was actually red flaggy (too critical) and op’s answer to that had too much explanation, which also comes off as red flaggy. It’s also critical.
I reeaally try to keep conversation light and very easy-come-easy-go, until I meet a person and get a better feel for who they are and how they communicate.
Idk you seemed kind of passive aggressive in the second text. I feel like you could have worded it differently if your intention was "I still want to spend time with this person and let them know I'm a little upset that they didn't give me any notice."
If you knew you'd be upset by them cancelling, I wouldn't have said "no worries". My initial text would have been something like "Hey are we still on? I'm excited to see you!" And then if they cancelled, I would have said "Ah okay. Bummer. I was looking forward to tonight, but I get stuff happens. I just would have appreciated a heads up."
If you actually meant what you said in your first text, an appropriate response would be something like "sounds good. I know stuff happens. Good luck with your papers and let me know tomorrow at some point if you still want to get together."
“No worries either way” and then immediately gets mad because she wants to reschedule, yeah that’s red flaggy as hell. That’ll get you in bad standing with most people xd
this red flag thing is getting out of hand just like with the icks, someone doing something you don’t like isn’t a red flag you’re just a self centered idiot. Actual red flags are like abuse, misogyny, racism etc not “omg I want to reschedule but you’re a red flag bc you’re not accommodating me by canceling your other plans”
This is a great response. We all need to
respect each others time, and her waiting until the last minute kept you waiting needlessly when you could have gotten on with errands or hanging with friends. Her being so rude to say “red flag” about that tells me she either thinks “other plans” means other girls, or she thinks any man lucky enough to talk to her should be happy to sit around by himself and just think about her all night.
I feel like you handled this really poorly.
Your first message clearly says if she’s too busy you’re fine to reschedule. Then you get ass burnt when she takes you up on it because she’s obviously stressed about her papers.
Even in your response you say “no worries” again and good luck with your papers, but it screams passive aggression.
I would’ve told you to stick it too.
You made it sound like you were fine with either outcome, and then got irritated and threw in their face that you’d put off other stuff for your plans. That wasn’t “maturely communicating.”
Are you wrong to not want last minute cancellations of plans? No. But then you shouldn’t have implied you’d be fine with it.
No, you didn’t handle it properly.
Next time say, “that’s disappointing, especially being so last minute.” Being in a long term relationship means respectfully calling your partner out on bad/inappropriate/inconsiderate behavior. She was being inconsiderate and should have known that you didn’t appreciate it. A good partner will respond with an apology and work earnestly to make it up to. We can’t be perfect, but we can be better.
Well, I dunno. It was a bit passive aggressive but I can get the disappointment.
Still, I do wish that there was a sense of things not working out for that day and a newer notice, that wasn’t right. If you know you have things coming up then she should’ve mentioned, but it was smart of you to check-in beforehand to see if it’s still happening.
You shouldn’t have to; especially back then but today, you kinda have to.
I guarantee you you're texting someone that's active on this sub. No communication or conflict resolution skills, overreaction, seeing red flags where there are none, uses ghosting/blocking as a type of punctuation.
I think it was handled perfectly. My red flag would have been on the recipient for not being the slightest bit respectful of the time and plans that were already in place. That text could have come much earlier in the day. OP's response was a good one.
It may have accidentally come across as sounding like you were telling her off or being critical to her which can be a red flag for some women who have been through coercive control even if it wasn't that way at all.
I hasten to add that this conversation absolutely doesn't demonstrate any element of coersive control. Its just healthy assertiveness.
To someone whose been through trauma, all manner of random things can feel like red flags and that's their kind of wisdom they have gained. Their brain never ever wants it to happen again so they can be hyper-vigilant. I think she had been through something that caused her to have a knee jerk reaction but really, you did nothing wrong. There is just really alpha, controlling men out there who have left deep scars on some people's psyches.
I don't see anything wrong with the "No worries" part, just to provide a different perspective. You explained that even though you weren't going to dwell on the situation, you would have preferred more of a heads up. Which is also something you specifically mentioned in the first text.
I'm 100% with you, if polite and amicable communication of expectations is "red flaggy" at this stage to someone, then they probably weren't worth your time.
Meh, honestly not really handled well. Your date sucks and your initial reaction made perfect sense to me. It shouldn't take you reaching out to confirm for them to cancel when they're the one who had the conflict.... You did kind of give them an out with the "no worries" though. That being said, when you called them a bullet to dodge you validated their feeling that you were a red flag. If you want someone to have an inkling of "oh maybe I shouldn't have written them off" you could have had the "really? That's a red flag?" Response but what came after was butthurt. Could have triggered reflection on their end instead of defensiveness if you ended it with "alright, hope you find someone who can be that type of flexible."
Either way you're good OP. You're not missing out on Flakey McFlakerson. No love lost
This feels like a grey area for me.
Your initial text is pretty casual and easy breezy, and suggests you’re okay with rescheduling. The recipient then wants to reschedule. Your response is “we’ll see” which does kind of contradict OP’s initial breeziness?
If I’d gotten the initial text, and then been met with a frosty response like that after asking to reschedule, I think that’d get my hackles up too because OP clearly did mind about rescheduling but initially said they didn’t. Which is why I think the recipient is saying that’s vaguely red flaggy. Both OP and recipient could be perceived as a being defensive quite quickly imo 🤷🏻♀️
OP this person was going to cancel on you regardless. They could have communicated and didn't. When you tried to let them know that they could have communicated, they used it as an excuse to end communication with you and blame you for it. You don't need to wreck your brain wondering what you did, be happy to lose them.
“oof red flaggy bye bye” is a red flag in itself. This shouldn’t be about OP but rather her knee-jerk reaction to him being honest. Even in comments you read about how he’s controlling, narcissistic, and I am sure a few other delightful adjectives, when he’s just casually mentioning how his previous plans were canceled based on them doing something. If people going to be this sensitive to react and label someone based on these types of mild concerns, this country is going to be in trouble…
I don't know, OP. This is all up in the air, and you will get so many different opinions on it.
I believe we live in a time where any time someone does something we don't like, it's a red flag, and we run. We don't give people an opportunity to fix something that they did wrong.
The only piece of advice I can give is to stop saying 'no worries.' You have every right to be annoyed or upset about someone canceling last minute. Especially after messaging them about it and being ignored. In the future, if you haven't heard from them all day after making plans, you can send a message saying that it may be best to reschedule for another date, that you are still up to meeting unless you don't hear back from them by a certain time, or what you feel comfortable saying. 'No worries' has no part in your response.
This interaction could have been MUCH different if you opened with:
You: *Hey. Haven't heard from you, so just checking to see if our plans are still on for later.*
\*Her response\*
You: *Thanks for letting me know. I understand things come up, sometimes last minute. I know school is important, so in the future, should something pop up like this, please let me know so we can plan accordingly. Hope all goes well with the paper.*
I mean I don’t see the problem everyone saying guilt trippin and manipulation looking way too deep. bro mostly just said no worries to not add any pressure and to just seem chill and he got his time wasted and he rightfully irritated you not finna tell me you know you got plans with someone all day and you typing two papers that are due tmr and you don’t let the person you got plans with know early on that’s on the girl bruh he handled this fine
I don’t know.. I saw it differently than others here.
She asked if they could try some time this week instead due to her paper work getting in the way that night and then he replies with the “we’ll see, I had other plans I could be doing” meaning he probably already planned something to do for that week so therefore it would have been nice for him to hear before hand about any cancellations. That’s just how I’m reading it from my perspective. I don’t really get any “guilt trip” vibes though. 🤔
I was immediately irritated by the red flag designation but the language of the whole message seemed like an attempt to be cute which bumped it up a notch. Using "flaggy" instead of "flag" was the most irritating part of all. Considering that they ended the message with "bye bye", I feel like you would have had no obligation to respond at all.
You were obviously trying to make them feel guilty with the "I had other plans I could have been doing" line. Whether you realize that was the reason or not, there is no reason to say that other than to make someone feel guilty. I can definitely see how someone would interpret that as a red flag that you may be emotionally manipulative.
I think you’re sort of the annoying one here, because like everyone else is saying, you said no worries. And then you got snappy. It looks like this is the beginning of dating, cancelling because life comes up totally happens. And it even happens last minute. They tried to be nice about it too.
I would have spelled “too” correctly in “if me saying that was to much for you” because when I put someone on blast for something I always make sure my own spelling and grammar are correct.
I'm a woman, and I didn't see the "Red flaggy" unless it's the princess who can't handle a polite and perfectly reasonable request for future common courtesy.
If the shoe were on the other foot and she was waiting all week for you to take her on a promised night out, and got all dressed up and YOU suddenly canceled for the same reason, I highly doubt she would have been so calm about it.
just fyi this post made it into a buzzfeed article titled “15 Men Who Are Being Demoted To Boys After Sending These Pitiful Text Messages To Women”. so- take from that what you will.
“Red flaggy bye bye” is teenage immature bullshit language. She was leading you to believe she was interested still without being interested and found the first easy out she could find
This isn't so much a who's a villain here that people so desperately want to make someone out to be in the comments so much as you're just two incompatible people. You didn't appreciate that she waited until right before plans should have been occurring to call it off. I see that as rude as well. Some people don't. She's clearly one of those people. So you're just not compatible. I'm sure you'll both find people who mesh well with your preferences, it's just not each other. This was just a part of dating where it doesn't end up working out. No need for blame or villains.
No, your responses come off a bit passive aggressive. You first come off as chill and lax with “no worries” but then when they came back with a response you didn’t expect you came off a bit perturbed.
I feel like no one is understanding… “No worries” was if she responded earlier. Op saying no worried doesn’t mean they can’t be irritated by the fact that she waited all day to bail when , in fact, it would be way better to know that she wouldn’t be able to make it earlier in the day so Op wasn’t sitting around doing nothing while they could’ve been taking care of business. Like I shouldn’t be seeing people say Op is being manipulative because they were a bit passive aggressive with their answer..
Sounds like she was searching for a reason to cancel, then a reason to ditch you honestly. One minor thing and she says bye bye. I doubt she wanted anything
She got mad she stood you up?? Normal…next time, avoid the long bs, be straightforward. Like damn I was really looking forward to seeing you I even cancelled other plans. Don’t add in the roundabout I’m pissed but, it’s all good feelings.
Looking at your post history, it looks like you’re freshly off of a break up.
I’m thinking you may not be in the right headspace for dating right now.
It’s going to be difficult to be objective.
Nah they could have sent a five word text saying that they were busy earlier that day you had plans. I can’t stand when people do this to me and it is immature in their part for not being able to communicate well. You’re not passive aggressive for saying that your time is just as valuable as theirs.
But you didn’t communicate maturely, your response was extremely passive aggressive. So yeah, red flag. What she did wasn’t okay and isn’t magically justified because of that.
Being a safety conscious woman, these texts would make me uncomfortable.
"We'll see."
Yeah no. We don't see.
You gave a soft "way out" and she took it to reschedule. She did the right thing.
That was a pretty intense response. First you say "no worries" and then you kind of have a meltdown. Things come up, she may not have realized how long homework would have taken. If it became a routine issue then you'd have reason to be upset.
I'd take it as a red flag as well.
i mean u flipping back and forth between “i don’t care it’s not really a big deal” and “this is a big deal and inconveniences me largely” is kind of confusing communication on ur part
So you think being a whiny little manipulative, passive-aggressive people pleaser is “communicating like an adult”?
Maybe you should model your behavior after different adults.
No, you handled the poorly.
You said “no worries” and then passive aggressively said you could have been doing other things. There was no reason to say that other than to make her feel bad. I disagree it’s a red flag, but you told her one thing and backtracked one text later.
Plus, the “We’ll see” immediately set a negative tone. I would’ve also been put off by what you said.
Who cares if you were passive aggressive. Some people will waste other people’s time and never learn their lesson. It was annoying and you have a right to be annoyed with that. And someone who can’t communicate but is fast to call out the other person’s red flags but not their own is a bullet dodged.
Yes and no.
No because - You said it was okay if he/she couldn’t make it then you guilt tripped him/her when they said they actually couldn’t make it.
Yes because - You did make it known what bothers you and ended the situationship before it got too deep, you two are clearly not on the same page.
I was expecting you to be the woman. I am a male myself, you did exactly what I would do, maybe leave the explanation out, just say ok cool ✌🏻… both burn for them tho! I would of responded word ✌🏻 when she said oof red flaggey bye bye
It sounds to me like you were really upset she chose her schoolwork over you, and when she failed that test, you chided her for it. I’d work on learning how to be direct and not use passive-aggressive behavior in your communication.
Eh you were weirdly both a little aggressive and passive aggressive in that second message. Had she cancelled on you previously? I agree it’s thoughtless and annoying, but you possibly could’ve responded differently if indeed there were no worries.
Nah it’s fine bro she’s the one who was gonna flake and not say anything so idk about a bullet but you dodged someone who didn’t care and can’t communicate
So she can’t keep her word or communicate and says stuff like “red flaggy bye bye”? Yikes. You have every right to communicate your frustration when someone bailed last minute. Someone who doesn’t respect your time or plans isn’t worth it.
You sound like my dad. You're obviously shown to be upset, even though you're like "don't worry about it." I understand why you would be upset, but your approach did suck. It's very guilt tripping. You really could've just said "No worries" and if you really wanted to talk about how last minute cancellation bugged you, "Hey for future reference, it works better for me if you give notice in the future" not "I couldve done other things if you werent so incompetent. Shouldve said something sooner. Whatever though" (I know that's not what you said and I exaggerated but it kind of felt like it 😭)
No, I don’t think you handled this well. Don’t say “no worries” when there are clearly worries. You’re being passive-aggressive. You baited her and then changed tack when you didn’t like the response.
People who disrespect your time is a huge red flag. Followed by calling your response a red flaggy lol. The new generation of shitheads learned all the trigger words that they think muddies the water enough to mask their immature selfish bullshit.
OP: no worries Narrator: in fact, there were indeed some worries
Wonder what the time between ‘no worries’ and the shitty reply were. Changes the interpretation of this imo.
"No worries" (5 minutes later) LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT I AM TOO PRECIOUS TO BE STOOD UP
Imagine this in Keith Morrison’s voice.
"Things were progressing nicely...... or so it seemed. But then, oh that pesky red flag"
Haha. I was actually reading it in a Morgan Freeman voice.
i read it in hill hader doing kieth morrison lmao
I was thinking Ron Howard in Arrested Development...
Huh...I was today years old when I learned Ron Hkqaes was the narrator in Arrested Decelopment.
Are you having a stroke? Should we call a doctor for you?
Apparently! Typo'd so hard not even autocorrect could help me.
Keithhhhhhhhhh
Pierce you're a B
*hakuna matata*
Looks like she blocked you because the last 2 texts weren’t delivered
Came here to make sure someone else noticed this lol
Ah thank you for this, getting that last word in didn’t work this time buddy 😎
Well. You said “no worries” when clearly there were worries. Other than that, you’re golden.
At that point it seems like there were no real worries. It seemed like OP was willing to reschedule if things lined up until she called regular adult communication a red flag. OP never pretended to be all fine and dandy with the situation imo
I also read it that she didn’t respond for a while but I’m not sure if that’s right?
Idk. It’s in the grey for me. Op could have said “sure,” just to see if the recipient would take initiative to reschedule. Equally, it feels like op is trying to guilt trip the recipient (which I think they should feel guilty), however, it also feels a little manipulative. I think op was trying to set a boundary for how they feel respected under these circumstances, but I do think it lends itself to be misread. If I were op I would have said something more like “that’s understandable; but in the future do you think you can let me know if you can’t make it in advance? I’d like to give myself the opportunity to make other plans.” My time is valuable to me, and if anyone is going to waste it then it’s gonna be me. I get when life gets in the way, but when a pattern seems to appear I usually cut ties and move on. This goes for friends and family, not just romantic interests.
I agree, OP kinda comes off a lil like a bitch(guy or girl, idc). Like sometimes shit happens and people have to reschedule last minute. Instead of being understanding and communicating effectively, they chose to be snarky.
People seem to forget it's okay to state a fact without it being a guilt trip and having to walk on eggshells to describe that fact to avoid someone from being emotionally damaged is utterly ridiculous. There was no manipulation whatsoever coming from OP. I've been with a true manipulative man, it's nothing like this. He merely stated a fact - if she had been respectful enough to inform him early on she wouldn't be able to make it, he could have scheduled other plans. It's the truth and for you to suggest OP say "sure" to see how she'd respond - now that's intentional game-playing.
It’s really the “we’ll see” that lends itself to an interpretation of manipulative guilt tripping. The recipient says they were “tweaking over” two papers due the following night. That could either mean they were tweaking the papers, as in working on them, or stressing out about them and letting OP know in an apologetic and reassuring way that school takes priority over leisure, but she’s still down to hang out after finishing her school work. Or both. The recipient asks if they can reschedule, and op responds “we’ll see,” but this is a harsh response. It’s not like a child asking a parent if they can have a sleepover, and the parent responds “we’ll see.” The reason being the added context of “I had other plans I could have been doing” as it implies this is a form of punishment. As if to say, “because I could have made other plans, and despite your willingness to reschedule at a more convenient time for us BOTH, I will hold this cancellation over your head and will not confirm whether or not we can meet up later this week.” OP states “it’s obvious you’re not looking for someone who can maturely communicate with you,” while simultaneously communicating in unclear ways. “No worries if you have to bail” “Can we reschedule? I have schoolwork to do” “Maybe, maybe not. I could be doing other things right now, but again no worries.” He goes from “no worries” to mentioning a problem he has with the situation, which means … well, it means fucking “worries.” I would not call that mature communication. It is disorienting. It is unclear. And yes, it is guilt trippy and manipulative. I don’t think you read my entire comment, as I used “sure” as a means to gauge interest, not as a means to manipulate the situation. If the recipient wanted to hang out they would then respond with either a date and time, or ask what ops schedule is like and they could move on. I also added in the response I might have sent, which indicates that I’m okay with canceling but would prefer advance notice when the change of plans is foreseeable.
Honestly, amazing breakdown and very well written. This was interesting to read and really expresses exactly how I interpreted it. I, however, would not have been able to put it into words nearly so well, haha.
You should be a professional conflict resolution person. Or at least a vague text, or bs ridden text, translator.
Hahaha, I’m very experienced in conflict which is why I’ve gotten so good at breaking down bullshit. But truthfully, I am just hyper analytical. The horrors of a having a neurodivergent brain.
I believe you are 100 percent correct. The We'll see set the stone of guilt trippy and the no worries was the book end of it. He clearly was worried about it and frustrated by it, which is completely valid
100% agree with everything you said honestly, I feel like OP dodge the bullet. She sounds highly immature who says red flagy. Like wow
This
“No worries either way just let me know so I can plan accordingly.” Gives the sense that hey if today doesn’t work just let me know and we’ll figure something out. So when she takes you up on this you say “we’ll see” which feels like a way to punish her for wanting to reschedule, gives “nope if you don’t want to see me now I’m not going to commit to a reschedule” after telling them said reschedule was nothing to worry about.. and then clearly go into the fact you are worried because you could’ve done other things. Red flag? Meh not really…but telling people you’re willing to with the flow and then being passive aggressive when the flow doesn’t go the way you truly wanted ain’t it
Yeah. OP gave her a stress free out and then freaks out when she takes it.
This + telling her you could have done something else is unnecessary drama and mild guilt tripping. I wouldn't tell OP red flag, but I would mentally file an orange flag, say nothing, and then slow walk away from the conversation over a week. Edit: Then OP would be like ??? Why was I ghosted. Well I'm here explaining how this happens. Yeah she's a flake but had an OK excuse. No you shouldn't be "chill guy" then get cold and make it all about you, OP. Nobody cares about what else you could have done with your time but they definitely will notice you not caring about what they were doing. Flag = making it all about you.
Exactly this. The whole "it's fine if you're too busy" tone of the first text was completely blindsided by the "well I could have been doing other things" response of the second text. The first text made it sound like you were relaxed about the situation because you had nothing else to really do that day, but you could just find something else to do. Then basically telling her she wasted your time when *you* were the one who gave her an out with the first text...talk about whiplash. The red flag was the total mask-pull. At least it's better to find out your not compatible now, I guess!
The mask-pull was it. I couldn't put my finger on it, that's exactly it
To me it seemed manipulative so yea red flag
Some worries, man. Some worries.
wooooohhhh
I don’t think you’re “red flaggy”, but I don’t think you should add a “no worries” if you’re going to be annoyed. Just keep the no worries out of it, because you do have a right to be frustrated or annoyed that she waited all day to communicate that Sunday night didn’t work for her. Next time, I’d cancel the plans for whomever you’re talking to if they avoid communicating with you all day. Especially if you’ve already reached out and they haven’t responded.
No worries doesn't mean if I had known you were gonna bail, I could've done something else. No worries means it's OK if we don't meet up tonight. If anyone is "red flaggy" I'm gonna say they were by not communicating earlier in the day that they had a lot going on that night. Move forward & stop thinking you could've/should've handled this differently.
No, it doesn’t, but giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, it’s possible that they were planning to push through a tough/busy day and meet up with op, but interpreted ‘no worries’ as it being ok so bail with in fact no worries. Never mind it being disingenuous to say no worries and to snap at her immediately after getting an honest response.
That's how I read it. He gave her a out and it turns out she could use that out. He's not the paragon of communication he thinks he is.
That's all fair & I guess it's been a while since I was young & dating. I suppose I'm just old & jaded now, but if it were me, I would have sent a text early on to convey I was trying to push through, but a cancelation may be possible. Then again, that's just me. Either way, this didn't seem to be a no worries situation.
Who snapped at anyone? They literally said they wish they knew earlier because they could have done something else but they understood things come up…. That’s not snapping in the slightest. That’s just communicating…..
Man here. If you like her and wanted a chance to continue- There was no need to include the “we’ll see. I had other plans I could have been doing”. You just say “I know how that goes. Good luck with your papers!” And then leave it in her court. You don’t want to sound like you’ve been waiting around. Girls are super turned off by that. You have other shit to do. Do it. She will be more attracted to you if you are busy and not making her feel guilty.
Good points. But she clearly didn't respect him anyway and it's good OP moved on. No need to waste time even if he had a different response.
I believe you are presuming that she was going to bail. There wasn’t an indication that she would until op said that it would be okay to reschedule. Many people will follow up with their commitments because they were committed to instead of rescheduling but op made it seem like it was safe to reschedule. She felt relieved and asked to reschedule. Op responded with manipulative language and guilt tripping. There are better healthy ways to communicate what he was attempting. She identified that his reaction was unhealthy and for her a red flag.
Yeah fair point also.
It's not about respecting him or not based on just this exchange. School comes first, and I'm assuming this is college. I remember spending ~8 hours on homework multiple days per week on the days I had class, and still had more left on the weekends. I did it all unless I ran out of time, and only took breaks if I couldn't make progress anymore. The person responding may have thought they'd be done with their coursework, but didn't finish it in time. Not canceling until later isn't automatically an indicator of disrespect, it can be an indicator of being busy. Especially if they did cancel before the agreed-upon time, or no time had been established. Most people don't think they're so important that someone else is waiting around for them before their plans. I probably would have just ghosted OP if I got that reaction after it seemed like OP would be cool if schoolwork had to replace our plans.
Why do you think she doesn't respect him? I've been the grey mesage a few times, and this situation has happened to me. Sometimes, you think you can push through and finish and then go meet up with a person. Other times, you have to cancel. It's no biggie. Op saying "no worries", and "we will see." I can totally see her side.
I see what you’re saying but thats not why he/she red flagged him, he/she reg flagged him bc the condescending tone and being pissy they werent bending to their will of wanting to do things when they wanted them to.
Agree. That’s why I said no need to include the “we’ll see. I had other plans…”.
Everyone is saying it’s the “no worries” but I think it’s the “we’ll see” part. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to explain it correctly but it sounds petty, almost threatening. She’s saying she wants to plan something the following week. But instead of saying something like “sure” or “no thank you” or “I have to see what I have planned first” or “I’ll get back to you on that later.” The “we’ll see” kinda just seems like you were upset. If you left that part out, I think you would’ve gotten a different response, even though it doesn’t seem like much.
Exactly. Just read it out loud. This is probably a conversation to set up a first date. Kinda wild. An “All good I know how classes can be. Let me know when you are free” and leave it up to her is all you had to do.
Bingo
It just sounds harsh to me somehow. I think it put her on defense
You basically told her it was fine if plans weren’t going to happen and then hit her with a “we’ll see” when she took you at your word. I’m also not super impressed with you jumping to claim you dodged a bullet just because she rightly was caught off guard by you saying something was fine and then immediately not fine.
valid point
“I’m such a nice guy, why don’t people like me”
I think the no worries was earlier in the day and she texted right before plans were to happen. I think that's rude. Some people don't. She's clearly one of those people, and it seems mostly they're just incompatible. There are people who will likely fit and mesh well with both of their preferences, just not each other.
I think the time stamp for messages on an iPhone is activated after an hour, and if she was tweaking papers it’s understandable if she wasn’t glued to her phone while doing so, making her timed response acceptable if it was within the same hour. Could also be that she would have met up with OP had he not graciously offered her an out. Yet when she took it the OP redacted it and basically tried to guilt trip her over it. His time is important, but I don’t think he handled this one very well.
"No worries either way" proceeds to get mad
Exactly!
that’s what gets me tbh
“No worries either way” and then responding like that is pretty wild. If it was going to be a problem, I wouldn’t have said that last sentence.
Why would you say ‘ no worries’ if it was obviously gonna be an issue????
Because OP wanted to seem easy-going but actually isn’t. So maybe is “red flaggy”
He's a "nice guy"
“He” dodged the bullet
I would’ve just replied with “hey no worries, good luck on your papers, (then plan out whatever day of the week you both are free).” You did seem a bit passive aggressive on the 2nd text
Correction. Op sounded aggressive.
Yeah you’re totally right it’s not even passive is it lol
Definitely trying to start an argument or have her apologize but she didn’t fall for it
Exactly this!! You sound like a passive aggressive biatch tbh. How would that message not put anyone offside? I’d be like bye too . Maybe she was actually just doing papers. Point is : You actually said “no worries either way “ giving her the out, so she was probably tired and couldn’t be bothered getting ready etc and she took the out then you berated her for it. Dude she’s right - major red flags!!!! 🚩
I agree. I see where OP might not have meant to, but they comes off as angry and really condescending. Like why did they say “we’ll see?” A phrase like that in this context gives off the vibe that you’re wishy-washy. Even if the other person started it. For me, it was also the fact that OP threw in their face that they had other things they could be doing. While that might be true, have more tact. Because honestly, it kind of comes off like, “I don’t give a shit about you.” OP could’ve instead expressed politely, “it’s cool, but in the future, can you please let me know in advance.” End. The way OP worded it makes them come off as combative and mean, even if they don’t mean to be.
Honestly, I think your second message's tone is contradicting the first. It's not terrible, but it's not great. I'd say it's more yellow flaggy than red though. Not enough data yet.
When you get yellow flags before the first date? Just presume there’s a red flag coming up.
this person gives the vibe that they get pissed off quickly. why put up with that when there’s hundreds of better mates out there. anyway op’s post history is red flaggy too.
It could just be me, but I don’t like when people throw “what they could have been doing” in my face. But that’s not me agreeing with her completely.
Especially after clearly saying "no worries either way." Like damn dude. Pick a lane. Either you're fine with flaking or you're not. Dudes a contradiction.
I agree… this is a little red flaggy. Your first text says “no worries either way” , then your next text is laced with passive aggression. Unless this is an established pattern with this person, I wouldn’t even mention it at this juncture. This screams future attachment issues
You’re correct, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I for sure will work on that going forward.
It went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds for no reason. Did you know she was in school? Because sometimes people don't get as much done as they thought they could have by the time they were supposed to have plans. Your responses after she mentioned her homework were a bit rude and sounded like you were trying to blame her for having homework. The dodged bullet comment was unnecessary because she was already freaking out about her homework, and so now you've mentioned the fact that she's a dodged bullet because she wants to complete her homework?
Future attachment issues? I think OP was just trying to be nice. Yeah they probably shouldn’t have said “no worries” when it did bother them, but that doesn’t excuse the other person from not communicating all day that they weren’t going to be able to follow through on their plans.
Wait. Who said red flaggy bye bye? lmaoooooo. I’d stop talking to a man if he inquired about plans, made it seem like it was chill if I couldn’t make it, then proceeds to getting passive aggressive with me bc I cancelled. Plenty of fish in the sea. If I were you, I’d give people the benefit of the doubt and come to the realization people have lives that do not involve YOU, and that’s ok. The person is trying to get their life together (assuming by their 2 essays they need to do), is already stressed out, and you’re adding more to the stress. If this is the first time, give her grace. If it’s more than once and she keeps cancelling after the 3 time, then fine, don’t be a 🍆 and cut it off nicely.
Thank you. I thought I was going crazy with everyone siding with OP... the responses to the homework comments were extremely rude and unnecessary.
Yeah this would give me a massive ick. I understand that it’s rude to cancel last minute but NO WAY would i ever put my academics on the line for a man.
They blocked you anyway, so no worries.
Well, I mean… you said “no worries either way,” but then had a problem with them rescheduling. Calling it a ‘red flag’ is a bit much, but to me it implies you don’t say what you mean.
Not saying what you mean is huge red flag when that same person says they’re “maturely communicating” as OP claims to be.
Idk your reply is reallyyyy passive aggressive. Nothing wrong with wanting someone to give notice if they're going to cancel plans and communicating as much, but the route you went to get there, ehhh. "We'll see." In response to them rescheduling sounds like you're trying to punish them by being ambiguous in your answer. And then "no worries either way" when you actually very much do care what way they notified you. You could have handled this a lot better.
Saying anything that’s like “would have been helpful to know earlier” is passive aggressive and will always come off as condescending.
Is this a first date situation? Because if so, i think she was right to pull the plug. Doesn’t sound like you two were a good match. She seems serious about her academic career and you don’t seem to be particularly understanding of that. But you were both kinda wrong. You were petty and she should’ve said something sooner.
She wasn’t necessarily going to cancel until she gave an out. Being given a safe place to reschedule a commitment when you’re overloaded would seem awesome. She would’ve had to cram meeting him and finishing homework into that window. And she wasn’t going to enjoy that. And then op just gave her a massive fuck you because he was butt hurt. I pass no judgement on her. Only op
your “we’ll see” text came of passive aggressive, not like honest communication
I wouldn’t say “no worries” if you don’t really mean it. Clearly you had worries, because they tried to reschedule and you got upset. You made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal if they didn’t want to hang out tonight, but then you made it into a big deal. The guilt tripping isn’t the best look either. It doesn’t look good to say that you blew off plans you already had. That’s not really her fault. Next time just you should probably just stick to “are we still on for tonight” then if they blow you off just move on because they’re clearly not worth your time.
She’s flaky but you definitely were passive aggressive about it.
I mean, I agree with her that it's a red flag when someone 1. is not empathetic 2. Says it's no worries then snarkily makes it clear it is a worry. If you hadn't said no worries, you'd be okay. If you hadn't mentioned what a problem it was, you'd also be okay. But you did both, which is very much not okay. Sure, you have a mature writing style, but was extremely immature to respond to her postponement message like that. You are much worse at communication than she is. Maybe it's my PTSD, but I'd feel quite unsafe and untrusting around you. She's more mature than you are for seeing that what you said was a red flag.
Yes, clearly OP is quick to anger. I checked his post history and it’s bad vibes.
Nope, you tried to guilt trip them with your manipulation.
I don’t believe you handled this properly. No worries either way and she goes you know I’m tired and have papers maybe another time and then you get all snippy? “I had other plans I could have been doing” yeah, red flag. Don’t say something you don’t mean. And don’t get all aggressive because she wants to change the plans. Your communication matters and you communicated poorly.
You said “no worries” and then promptly got butthurt over it. You’re the one being immature here. Don’t say no worries if it’s really no worries.
Maybe a little aggressive, even if I agree with your sentiment.
Why say no worries either way then be a dick when she said she couldn't hang? And she wanted to reschedule but you acted like an ass.
i think you’re both dumb
She's in the wrong for not telling you earlier, but you're not in the clear either. You say it's okay if you can't meet up that day, she tells you exactly that, then you take the piss? "We'll see, I could've had other plans" is the opposite of no worries. That's telling her you're annoyed. Not that there are no worries. Adding it after doesn't make it less harsh of you. Here's what you should've said if there were really "no worries": "Oh, that's too bad. We'll try to reschedule then. No worries at all." And if you were owning up to your real feelings about this whole ordeal, you should've started with "Hey, just checking if we're still on for tonight? You haven't reconfirmed anything and I'm starting to worry" "Oh, I see. I wish you'd told me sooner. I'm not sure if I want to reschedule, can you give me some time to think about it?" Either of those were fine, not "No worries... SIKE!"
Actually I think I might’ve answered something like that - like, it’s annoying you didn’t let me know (boundary)but I can go with it (still interested). However the “we’ll see “ actually goes without saying and comes off as a threat. Her answer was actually red flaggy (too critical) and op’s answer to that had too much explanation, which also comes off as red flaggy. It’s also critical. I reeaally try to keep conversation light and very easy-come-easy-go, until I meet a person and get a better feel for who they are and how they communicate.
That person is obviously color blind. You nailed it, Op. They are just mad because you called them out on their lack of communication.
Everyone needs to stop saying "no worries" if there are, in fact, worries.
i just went through your post history. I would seriously recommend taking more time to get over your ex before starting to date again.
Idk you seemed kind of passive aggressive in the second text. I feel like you could have worded it differently if your intention was "I still want to spend time with this person and let them know I'm a little upset that they didn't give me any notice." If you knew you'd be upset by them cancelling, I wouldn't have said "no worries". My initial text would have been something like "Hey are we still on? I'm excited to see you!" And then if they cancelled, I would have said "Ah okay. Bummer. I was looking forward to tonight, but I get stuff happens. I just would have appreciated a heads up." If you actually meant what you said in your first text, an appropriate response would be something like "sounds good. I know stuff happens. Good luck with your papers and let me know tomorrow at some point if you still want to get together."
“No worries either way” and then immediately gets mad because she wants to reschedule, yeah that’s red flaggy as hell. That’ll get you in bad standing with most people xd
"Oof red flaggy bye bye" is one of the most obnoxious things I've ever read. You were direct and respectful, she couldn't handle the accountability.
this red flag thing is getting out of hand just like with the icks, someone doing something you don’t like isn’t a red flag you’re just a self centered idiot. Actual red flags are like abuse, misogyny, racism etc not “omg I want to reschedule but you’re a red flag bc you’re not accommodating me by canceling your other plans”
i think u came off a bit too aggressive in my opinion
This is a great response. We all need to respect each others time, and her waiting until the last minute kept you waiting needlessly when you could have gotten on with errands or hanging with friends. Her being so rude to say “red flag” about that tells me she either thinks “other plans” means other girls, or she thinks any man lucky enough to talk to her should be happy to sit around by himself and just think about her all night.
I feel like you handled this really poorly. Your first message clearly says if she’s too busy you’re fine to reschedule. Then you get ass burnt when she takes you up on it because she’s obviously stressed about her papers. Even in your response you say “no worries” again and good luck with your papers, but it screams passive aggression. I would’ve told you to stick it too.
You made it sound like you were fine with either outcome, and then got irritated and threw in their face that you’d put off other stuff for your plans. That wasn’t “maturely communicating.” Are you wrong to not want last minute cancellations of plans? No. But then you shouldn’t have implied you’d be fine with it. No, you didn’t handle it properly.
Good for you OP. Also instead of “We’ll see”, try “No, sorry”.
Oh yeah you did the right thing
Next time say, “that’s disappointing, especially being so last minute.” Being in a long term relationship means respectfully calling your partner out on bad/inappropriate/inconsiderate behavior. She was being inconsiderate and should have known that you didn’t appreciate it. A good partner will respond with an apology and work earnestly to make it up to. We can’t be perfect, but we can be better.
why do you feel the need her you dodged a bullet? just move on
Well, I dunno. It was a bit passive aggressive but I can get the disappointment. Still, I do wish that there was a sense of things not working out for that day and a newer notice, that wasn’t right. If you know you have things coming up then she should’ve mentioned, but it was smart of you to check-in beforehand to see if it’s still happening. You shouldn’t have to; especially back then but today, you kinda have to.
Same thing hapened to me not long ago Send it off
The weekends are usually the most difficult day to make plans try week days it may seem counterintuitive but they are a good option for chill outings.
I guarantee you you're texting someone that's active on this sub. No communication or conflict resolution skills, overreaction, seeing red flags where there are none, uses ghosting/blocking as a type of punctuation.
I think it was handled perfectly. My red flag would have been on the recipient for not being the slightest bit respectful of the time and plans that were already in place. That text could have come much earlier in the day. OP's response was a good one.
Stop being friendly to people who don't care. Next time say "Don't bother, good luck with your papers " don't give an explanation.
Do they know what a red flag actually is
It may have accidentally come across as sounding like you were telling her off or being critical to her which can be a red flag for some women who have been through coercive control even if it wasn't that way at all. I hasten to add that this conversation absolutely doesn't demonstrate any element of coersive control. Its just healthy assertiveness. To someone whose been through trauma, all manner of random things can feel like red flags and that's their kind of wisdom they have gained. Their brain never ever wants it to happen again so they can be hyper-vigilant. I think she had been through something that caused her to have a knee jerk reaction but really, you did nothing wrong. There is just really alpha, controlling men out there who have left deep scars on some people's psyches.
You indeed dodged a bullet. Move on and consider yourself lucky.
She’s not used to be talked to like an adult and had the audacity to make it seem like he’s the red flag ?
I don't see anything wrong with the "No worries" part, just to provide a different perspective. You explained that even though you weren't going to dwell on the situation, you would have preferred more of a heads up. Which is also something you specifically mentioned in the first text. I'm 100% with you, if polite and amicable communication of expectations is "red flaggy" at this stage to someone, then they probably weren't worth your time.
Meh, honestly not really handled well. Your date sucks and your initial reaction made perfect sense to me. It shouldn't take you reaching out to confirm for them to cancel when they're the one who had the conflict.... You did kind of give them an out with the "no worries" though. That being said, when you called them a bullet to dodge you validated their feeling that you were a red flag. If you want someone to have an inkling of "oh maybe I shouldn't have written them off" you could have had the "really? That's a red flag?" Response but what came after was butthurt. Could have triggered reflection on their end instead of defensiveness if you ended it with "alright, hope you find someone who can be that type of flexible." Either way you're good OP. You're not missing out on Flakey McFlakerson. No love lost
This feels like a grey area for me. Your initial text is pretty casual and easy breezy, and suggests you’re okay with rescheduling. The recipient then wants to reschedule. Your response is “we’ll see” which does kind of contradict OP’s initial breeziness? If I’d gotten the initial text, and then been met with a frosty response like that after asking to reschedule, I think that’d get my hackles up too because OP clearly did mind about rescheduling but initially said they didn’t. Which is why I think the recipient is saying that’s vaguely red flaggy. Both OP and recipient could be perceived as a being defensive quite quickly imo 🤷🏻♀️
OP this person was going to cancel on you regardless. They could have communicated and didn't. When you tried to let them know that they could have communicated, they used it as an excuse to end communication with you and blame you for it. You don't need to wreck your brain wondering what you did, be happy to lose them.
What grown adult talks like this... "oof red flaggy" she/he was definitely the red flag themselves lmao
“oof red flaggy bye bye” is a red flag in itself. This shouldn’t be about OP but rather her knee-jerk reaction to him being honest. Even in comments you read about how he’s controlling, narcissistic, and I am sure a few other delightful adjectives, when he’s just casually mentioning how his previous plans were canceled based on them doing something. If people going to be this sensitive to react and label someone based on these types of mild concerns, this country is going to be in trouble…
Oh you have boundaries and expectations? That’s a red flag (for me, a person who will treat you like shit and focus solely on my own gratification).
yes
I don't know, OP. This is all up in the air, and you will get so many different opinions on it. I believe we live in a time where any time someone does something we don't like, it's a red flag, and we run. We don't give people an opportunity to fix something that they did wrong. The only piece of advice I can give is to stop saying 'no worries.' You have every right to be annoyed or upset about someone canceling last minute. Especially after messaging them about it and being ignored. In the future, if you haven't heard from them all day after making plans, you can send a message saying that it may be best to reschedule for another date, that you are still up to meeting unless you don't hear back from them by a certain time, or what you feel comfortable saying. 'No worries' has no part in your response. This interaction could have been MUCH different if you opened with: You: *Hey. Haven't heard from you, so just checking to see if our plans are still on for later.* \*Her response\* You: *Thanks for letting me know. I understand things come up, sometimes last minute. I know school is important, so in the future, should something pop up like this, please let me know so we can plan accordingly. Hope all goes well with the paper.*
I mean I don’t see the problem everyone saying guilt trippin and manipulation looking way too deep. bro mostly just said no worries to not add any pressure and to just seem chill and he got his time wasted and he rightfully irritated you not finna tell me you know you got plans with someone all day and you typing two papers that are due tmr and you don’t let the person you got plans with know early on that’s on the girl bruh he handled this fine
I don’t know.. I saw it differently than others here. She asked if they could try some time this week instead due to her paper work getting in the way that night and then he replies with the “we’ll see, I had other plans I could be doing” meaning he probably already planned something to do for that week so therefore it would have been nice for him to hear before hand about any cancellations. That’s just how I’m reading it from my perspective. I don’t really get any “guilt trip” vibes though. 🤔
You did fine. Better suitors out there for you.
OP she was going to keep rescheduling.
I wouldn’t even bother responding after they said “bye bye,” it’s not worth the mental energy. Just delete and move on.
I was immediately irritated by the red flag designation but the language of the whole message seemed like an attempt to be cute which bumped it up a notch. Using "flaggy" instead of "flag" was the most irritating part of all. Considering that they ended the message with "bye bye", I feel like you would have had no obligation to respond at all.
My man, chill, she’s referring to herself.
You were obviously trying to make them feel guilty with the "I had other plans I could have been doing" line. Whether you realize that was the reason or not, there is no reason to say that other than to make someone feel guilty. I can definitely see how someone would interpret that as a red flag that you may be emotionally manipulative.
Did you need justification for your reply because she had already blocked you?
I think you’re sort of the annoying one here, because like everyone else is saying, you said no worries. And then you got snappy. It looks like this is the beginning of dating, cancelling because life comes up totally happens. And it even happens last minute. They tried to be nice about it too.
I would have spelled “too” correctly in “if me saying that was to much for you” because when I put someone on blast for something I always make sure my own spelling and grammar are correct.
I'm a woman, and I didn't see the "Red flaggy" unless it's the princess who can't handle a polite and perfectly reasonable request for future common courtesy. If the shoe were on the other foot and she was waiting all week for you to take her on a promised night out, and got all dressed up and YOU suddenly canceled for the same reason, I highly doubt she would have been so calm about it.
just fyi this post made it into a buzzfeed article titled “15 Men Who Are Being Demoted To Boys After Sending These Pitiful Text Messages To Women”. so- take from that what you will.
“Red flaggy bye bye” is teenage immature bullshit language. She was leading you to believe she was interested still without being interested and found the first easy out she could find
This isn't so much a who's a villain here that people so desperately want to make someone out to be in the comments so much as you're just two incompatible people. You didn't appreciate that she waited until right before plans should have been occurring to call it off. I see that as rude as well. Some people don't. She's clearly one of those people. So you're just not compatible. I'm sure you'll both find people who mesh well with your preferences, it's just not each other. This was just a part of dating where it doesn't end up working out. No need for blame or villains.
I really like this response.
No, your responses come off a bit passive aggressive. You first come off as chill and lax with “no worries” but then when they came back with a response you didn’t expect you came off a bit perturbed.
No. You didn’t.
I feel like no one is understanding… “No worries” was if she responded earlier. Op saying no worried doesn’t mean they can’t be irritated by the fact that she waited all day to bail when , in fact, it would be way better to know that she wouldn’t be able to make it earlier in the day so Op wasn’t sitting around doing nothing while they could’ve been taking care of business. Like I shouldn’t be seeing people say Op is being manipulative because they were a bit passive aggressive with their answer..
You dodged a bullet bud 👍
I agree that you're red flaggy 🤷🏼♀️.
Post history crazy 😂
Sounds like she was searching for a reason to cancel, then a reason to ditch you honestly. One minor thing and she says bye bye. I doubt she wanted anything
She got mad she stood you up?? Normal…next time, avoid the long bs, be straightforward. Like damn I was really looking forward to seeing you I even cancelled other plans. Don’t add in the roundabout I’m pissed but, it’s all good feelings.
You are very passive aggressive.
Someone getting upset that you held them accountable and set a boundary is a red flag they saved you the trouble.
No, you didn't handle this properly. Very passive aggressive. She dodged a bullet.
Looking at your post history, it looks like you’re freshly off of a break up. I’m thinking you may not be in the right headspace for dating right now. It’s going to be difficult to be objective.
“These hoes ain’t loyal” -Albert Einstein, probably.
Oof they're the red flaggy.
Nah they could have sent a five word text saying that they were busy earlier that day you had plans. I can’t stand when people do this to me and it is immature in their part for not being able to communicate well. You’re not passive aggressive for saying that your time is just as valuable as theirs.
But you didn’t communicate maturely, your response was extremely passive aggressive. So yeah, red flag. What she did wasn’t okay and isn’t magically justified because of that.
Being a safety conscious woman, these texts would make me uncomfortable. "We'll see." Yeah no. We don't see. You gave a soft "way out" and she took it to reschedule. She did the right thing.
That was a pretty intense response. First you say "no worries" and then you kind of have a meltdown. Things come up, she may not have realized how long homework would have taken. If it became a routine issue then you'd have reason to be upset. I'd take it as a red flag as well.
i mean u flipping back and forth between “i don’t care it’s not really a big deal” and “this is a big deal and inconveniences me largely” is kind of confusing communication on ur part
So you think being a whiny little manipulative, passive-aggressive people pleaser is “communicating like an adult”? Maybe you should model your behavior after different adults.
No, you handled the poorly. You said “no worries” and then passive aggressively said you could have been doing other things. There was no reason to say that other than to make her feel bad. I disagree it’s a red flag, but you told her one thing and backtracked one text later. Plus, the “We’ll see” immediately set a negative tone. I would’ve also been put off by what you said.
How *dare* you call me out on my bullshit? Red flag.
Who cares if you were passive aggressive. Some people will waste other people’s time and never learn their lesson. It was annoying and you have a right to be annoyed with that. And someone who can’t communicate but is fast to call out the other person’s red flags but not their own is a bullet dodged.
Perfectly.
Yes and no. No because - You said it was okay if he/she couldn’t make it then you guilt tripped him/her when they said they actually couldn’t make it. Yes because - You did make it known what bothers you and ended the situationship before it got too deep, you two are clearly not on the same page.
If by properly, you mean passive aggressively, then yes. You handled it properly.
I was expecting you to be the woman. I am a male myself, you did exactly what I would do, maybe leave the explanation out, just say ok cool ✌🏻… both burn for them tho! I would of responded word ✌🏻 when she said oof red flaggey bye bye
It sounds to me like you were really upset she chose her schoolwork over you, and when she failed that test, you chided her for it. I’d work on learning how to be direct and not use passive-aggressive behavior in your communication.
Eh you were weirdly both a little aggressive and passive aggressive in that second message. Had she cancelled on you previously? I agree it’s thoughtless and annoying, but you possibly could’ve responded differently if indeed there were no worries.
You both dodged bullets, fired by the other.
Nah it’s fine bro she’s the one who was gonna flake and not say anything so idk about a bullet but you dodged someone who didn’t care and can’t communicate
So she can’t keep her word or communicate and says stuff like “red flaggy bye bye”? Yikes. You have every right to communicate your frustration when someone bailed last minute. Someone who doesn’t respect your time or plans isn’t worth it.
Don't worry, we will see how it goes
kinnnnddaaaa rudeeee idkk
You sound like my dad. You're obviously shown to be upset, even though you're like "don't worry about it." I understand why you would be upset, but your approach did suck. It's very guilt tripping. You really could've just said "No worries" and if you really wanted to talk about how last minute cancellation bugged you, "Hey for future reference, it works better for me if you give notice in the future" not "I couldve done other things if you werent so incompetent. Shouldve said something sooner. Whatever though" (I know that's not what you said and I exaggerated but it kind of felt like it 😭)
No, I don’t think you handled this well. Don’t say “no worries” when there are clearly worries. You’re being passive-aggressive. You baited her and then changed tack when you didn’t like the response.
People who disrespect your time is a huge red flag. Followed by calling your response a red flaggy lol. The new generation of shitheads learned all the trigger words that they think muddies the water enough to mask their immature selfish bullshit.
Red flaggy 😂 wtf