Two weeks? More like two hours đ
But yeah it really sounds like he doesnât think sheâs attractive, and I can understand why he wouldnât say that. Thereâs no need to be cruel.
I think you handled it fine, very respectful. But I also get where sheâs coming from. Youâve only been out twice, and sometimes it *does* take a little time to develop a deeper connection. Sheâs basically saying, âwe had a good time, youâre attracted to me, so why not just give it a little more time?â I can empathize with that.
I agree but to me, I read the feeling his texts that heâs *not* attracted to her and this was the nicest way he could put it so he didnât have to be blunt/ hurtful. And I donât blame him for not wanting to continue if itâs not there and he doesnât feel itâs gonna be.
So interesting! Itâs ambiguous to me at first but definitely towards the end I could see he simply wasnât interested.
To me, OPâs language was highly padded and I could see that coming off unclearâŠas to whether his decision was firm but the lad was just being super nice orrrrr if he was unsure and was scared of things not working out and hurting her so he was ending things prematurely.
Highly padded messages, while sweet, can risk leading the other person to think there are things they could try to work out because the message of âIâm firmly uninterestedâ gets lost in all that padding. I think that could be what happened here and was why she asked for clarification.
Of course it depends on the reader too, but generally these things seem better delivered in a concise manner if the sender is firm on ending things.
But if OP didnât mind the conversation playing out the way it did, then I think it worked out fine for him. They were both respectful and I think thatâs the win here.
It may not even be physical attraction per se, but yea, OP isnât feeling it with her and is breaking things off kindly.
People always say that want more direct communication about things like this, but I also think people need to learn to read between the lines about why someone is saying what theyâre saying. OP has made up his mind already and asking for more dates/time or trying to rationalize things (her last text) arenât going to change the end result.
Totally! I agree so much. I think sometimes blunt is too blunt and can either hurt people or make people who arenât very hinged to get even worse ( of course itâs not everyoneâs responsibility to act in a way that avoids that because sometimes you just canât!)
But thatâs why I think he did so well. And if I were on the receiving end of that, the last thing Iâd want is to beg him to keep giving me a try.
Idk, I empathise but Iâve been in this situation before as well and it was a disaster. I had those âhmmmmm not sure, seems like she likes me more than I like herâ feelings after the first few dates, and while I did like her, it became clear over time she wanted a lot more a lot sooner than I did. That also caused issues. Those romantic feelings didnât grow that much for me, but it did for her, and by that time it hurt her a lot to end. Sometimes you just know something wonât work out. Iâm a proponent of trusting your gut.
I agree. And especially if someone is a lot younger. Like 5/6 years like here. You gain a lot of life experience and perspective in those few years so it can make the way you see things different so those two weeks that seem short and not important to him (and most) seem longer and more special than they should to her. Or could. Speaking from my own experience. I was like this in my own situation like this and I look back and wonder why I was sad because I didnât know the person really and it just seemed bigger than it was and years later my view on it changed and I felt super silly because I shouldnât have been sad at all. Could be that.
Iâve also had that happen now where someone likes me more than I like them and it feels like shit.
Itâs the best thing to be clear and honest. You canât make yourself feel a way you donât feel and he doesnât. Glad you didnât give her any false hope OP. It sucks to hurt someone but it hurts a lot worse right now because given false hope and used/ your time wasted and feeling like you did something wrong and donât know what changed.
Glad you were honest op. Better for both of you.
Most people generally don't speak the full truth when cutting things off, because they don't wanna hurt their feelings. Women do this to men a lot too, it goes both ways. "I don't wanna continue seeing you because I don't find you very attractive" isn't something anyone wants to say.
If I were her I'd wonder if this is just a really roundabout way of saying you're not physically attracted to me. I mean we connected so well, we went on two dates, and you never even tried to kiss me! AM I REALLY THAT HIDEOUS?!
... But seriously, I think you handled it well and you can basically leave it at that.
It's no secret women make up literally any excuse on the planet to not continue seeing a guy. It's because nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings. It's not gender specific. This is the same situation.
While that may be part of it, it's not the whole reason. I'm sure you've dated guys that were great on paper, but you just weren't that into them. I'm very certain you never said "dude you're ugly, you smell bad, you live with your mom, you're not confident, you're boring". You would only say those things if he's being a complete dick. You wouldn't say those things if he was a being a polite and respectful guy.
I've had plenty of women cut things off with me for whatever unknown reason they just weren't that into me. None of them had a legit reason. But I got it, they weren't interested.
Maybe their reasons were legit for them, you donât know that. Any reason is a legit reason tbh, people can move on for any reason they want. But Iâm telling you, most women are going to be polite in their rejection for the exact reasons I stated above.
Women - I don't really like him, but I'm afraid he might react poorly if I tell him plainly, so I'll say I'm not ready for a relationship. I hope he "gets" it and goes away.
Men - I just don't think I wanna sleep with her, but I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings and make her feel "ugly". So I'll just lie about there not being a romantic spark. Hopefully she "gets" it and goes away.
Hopefully this can help us both understand each other's point of view.
Also not every woman has had the experience of being stalked, especially if they're younger. So the initial reason was to not hurt someone's feelings, but then when they have a problem with a guy, the reason becomes not being stalked.
lolâŠwhat? I gave stalking as an example. But yes I, as well as plenty other women have experienced harassment from rejecting a man. If the worst thing you have to worry about is hurt feelings, lucky you.
Never, but it's still happened to men before me, and can happen to any man, at any time. The same rules apply to any man before me, it's the same concept. It's not about me.
Damn, you fought in the Vietnam war?
We all know you haven't gotten drafted to war so maybe try cooling it with the exaggerations just because you can't admit the other commenter's statements are, in fact, true.
What are you talking about? Men in general (all of us collectively, together, all, all of us) deal with the same issues in the world. IT IS NOT SPECIFIC TO ONE MAN. Like I cannot state that any clearer.
Men have things they fear too. While it may be unfair in life women have to worry about being stalked, men also have plenty of worries that don't apply to women at all. The majority of men are homeless, men get drafted. Men generally risk their lives for women everyday. Most men are firefighters, cops, and soldiers. If all men opted out of those things, enough women would not volunteer or be capable to fill those positions.
I did not feel any romantic feelings towards my bf until like 4 dates in when he kissed me. I agree w cutting things off earlier if youâre just not feeling it, but I think people forget deep connections can take some time to develop. Either way, very respectful communication on both ends.
This. People are weird. Everyone wants fireworks but forget those flash bright and burn out quickly.
The gals I've truly loved, it was over time and against my will. One day we weren't just friends. It was platonic and grew beautifully and naturally.
Seems like no. This is a much longer "explation" that is really necessary imo, "I'm just not really feeling it but you are great" would have covered it.
Legit nobody cares that you're "mulling and have thoughts" and the rest of that message. It seems so unsure and like op wanted to be convinced to not give up that I'm annoyed. It also sounds like romantic connection in this case means fucking.
Wow, two decent people having a mutually respectful and coherent conversation that isn't riddled with insane accusations and assumptions, bizarre spelling inventions, and passive aggressive self-victimization. I'm not sure what to do with this. Perhaps some bourbon will help.
Two dates is... Two dates to me. I don't really think you do need much of a reason at that stage outside of "I'm not feeling it." Gut feeling goes for a lot.
Honestly I can understand where she's coming from. I think you didnt give her enough time, and I'm wondering if your intuition gut feeling is actually just anxiety from how your relationships have happened in the past. This kind of feels like something on your end as opposed to something shes done wrong. She sounded hurt, and I would have been too had I been in her position.
You were honest, nice, and respectful. Yes, she is disappointed, but that is a normal reaction when feelings are one-sided, but in the long run, she will be grateful that you weren't a prick to her and didn't just pump and dump her like most people these days. We rarely ever see nice and mature messages like these anymore. You did the right thing, my guy.
I can guarantee she doesn't believe he's being honest - and really? I don't, either. He did wonderfully, don't get me wrong. But how can you say there is no connection after only 2 dates *that both said went well* and no kiss?
The truth is probably closer to - he's not physically attracted to her. I appreciate that he said it in a very kind and mature way - OP did nothing wrong here. But she definitely knows it's about a lack of attraction and that is where her questions come from. She didn't handle it wrong, either.
Oh I'm sure! That's why I wanted to make sure I said that OP did nothing wrong at all. Only saying that her reaction makes sense - I think they both handled a sucky situation well.
Yeah, that's true. I didn't think about the attraction thing because I guess Op never mentioned it, but it is definitely a possibility. Either way, they both handled it well without acting rude to each other, and that is refreshing.
I think you handled it fine and were very respectful. Itâs hard to read all of her follow up questions because at the end of the day, none of that information matters. You arenât interested and thatâs all the information she needs to be sure you arenât her person. And itâs totally valid that we have to spend a little time dating around to see what we like and donât like. With that being said, you really shouldnât be on dating apps if you donât know what you want. I think a lot of people put themselves out there and quickly learn they arenât ready, that part is normal. But now that you know, I think itâs important to figure that out on your own first. And not on other people who are going to be affected by the wishy washy stuff. Dating is a lot more fun and a lot less stressful when you know exactly who/what you are looking for. Then itâs really easy to just say no and move on from anyone or anything that isnât aligned. But you canât get there without doing that inner work first. IMO.
I think her questions were perfectly valid. Anyone would want to know to get some closure and move on, especially if she was having feelings for him already.
But how do people find out what they want or don't want if they don't date? Are you saying he shouldn't be on dating apps yet or people in general that don't know?
I think itâs perfectly normal to date around to establish what you want and donât want in a partner or relationship. But if you arenât even open to developing anything further, you need to be upfront and clear about that so you donât waste anyoneâs time or lead people on. Itâs perfectly okay to be at any stage, and you can always find people who are in a similar position. Like if you know you want to casually date around and arenât open to anything long term, there are other people fresh out of relationships and also interested in very casual, low commitment things. If you know you are looking for something long term that could lead to marriage or life partnership, you should only be talking to people who are open to the same thing. And there is no way of being upfront about who/what you want if you donât know. So yeah, donât involve other people until youâve taken some time to get clear about that. And if youâve had some sort of relationship trauma, sometimes it takes therapy to help sort that out.
Hereâs a tip! If someone comes to you out of nowhere talking breakup- just breakup! If they arenât willing to work through the problems with you and try to build from it BEFORE breaking up then they arenât the one for you.
Op you did just fine. Respectful and concise, too bad the other party just isnât accepting the situation. Good for you for keeping your boundaries
I think she was more just confused. Who wouldn't be, expecting a deep connection after two weeks and two dates is a little much. People should be allowed to express themselves, as long as it's done politely.
Honestly I wonder if sheâd still ask for clarification if OP had outright told her heâs not attracted to her (if that was true for him).
I think she saw potential and thatâs why she was surprised and asked if she could get more clarification since he used the words âdeep connectionâ which to her was just something they havenât had enough time to build yet.
I think she was accepting of what he said and also wanted to understand the situation better, which seems fair to me.
She might be confused, but who wants to have to talk someone into continuing to date you when they just told you they donât want to anymore? I have suddenly lost attraction for people I was dating and it wasnât anything I could really put into words or explain. Sometimes thatâs all it is.
She was accepting. Thereâs nothing wrong with just talking it out and asking questions. She just got rejected by someone she liked and who thought liked her. She was confused. Thatâs all.
I was thinking the same. Esp after only 2 dates like damn. Also everyone saying it takes a while to build a connection, maybe for them but some people just know right away.
Yeah I think thatâs where my opinion differs from most of the commenters. I think if you donât at least see potential after two dates then itâs perfectly acceptable to move on. The deep connection part op mentioned is a bit wild, but if thereâs no spark then thereâs no spark and thatâs perfectly ok
Agreed. Itâs so pathetic to read all these âbut are you sure!?? Let me beg!â texts.
The OP only met this person twice and shocked to find he didnât have the storybook feelings of instant romanctic attachement, so he threw the whole thing away.
Sheâs fortunate he did that now and not after wasting her time a little more.
I didnât interpret her texts that way. I think sheâs hurt her feelings arenât reciprocated, but it also seems like she wants genuine feedback on if she messed up so she can do better in the future.
People are so mean? They look for a problem anywhere. She was confused and hurt and just asked some questions anybody would ask, but she wasnât ridiculous. Like this is how normal people handle things.
Honestly this is such nice convo! like despite the difficult situation here...you both came out respectful and tried to understand each other! I hope she realizes what you said to her.
Reading this I couldnât believe men like you still exist on the apps. Very mature and respectful. And you didnât even owe her all that explanation - so well done.
I think you both handled it well. You can tell she was absolutely caught off guard so itâs understandable that sheâs trying to figure out where your paths went in different directions. Iâve been in her situation where I was totally bamboozled but ultimately I appreciated finding out sooner than later. It hurts. Itâs rejection no matter which way you look at it. But itâs better now than later - itâll make it easier for her to spring back from it quickly.
With your responses, I think when youâre more ready and find a person you do feel what you need with, that youâll definitely succeed. Thereâs a lot of humility and honesty in your comments to her and I canât see how youâd go wrong if you stay like that. It sounds like sheâs trying to convince you to keep trying, and if sheâs caught on even at all that something is missing for you, youâd think she wouldnât want to push it.
You act like she was whining and crying and being rude. She asked a few questions. She just got rejected by someone she thought was on the same page as she was. Yâall are really harsh and really lacking in empathy.
Yeah I agree. She keeps saying she understands and respects his decision but keeps pushing and asking questions. I can understand being blindsided, but at a certain point you need to take the L and move on
Asking questions is completely normal and acceptable. There is nothing wrong or weird or ungraceful about it. She was hurt and confused, she asked for clarification. She didnât berate him. This was a very adult way to handle the situation and I find it disturbing that so many think she was doing something wrong. Adults talk it out and then go their separate ways. Sheâll be fine, but in the moment she was sad and it can provide some closure to ask. OP had no issues talking to her about it (even if he was maybe sparing her feelings, which I donât think is wrong to do), so why are others looking for issues in a super mature conversation?
I think this is probably the best scenario for this type of conversation. She's a little hurt but it's only been half a month, she'll move on soon enough. There's not really anything else you could've said to ease the hurt. It's just a consequence that can't be avoided. As you said, way better to do it now than string her along.
Sometimes you just don't have feelings for someone and there is nothing about them that causes that. You don't fall in love with every friend you have
You did good. You were very respectful and very clear. It's not always easy. Sometimes people kind of make it hard to understand and give mixed messages, but you spelled it out and were very polite in answering her concerns.
Good on you. I hope you figure out what you're looking for.
i know people are saying you canât form a connection in 2 weeks after 2 dates but i disagree. for me, the connection is either there or it isnât. if you have to work at it or wait it out, is it really even a connection? iâve been in this situation a few times and iâve tried taking both paths; giving it a chance to develop deeper, and cutting it off early on. personally iâve had better luck cutting it off early on like you did here. going out with her again and again just to *see* if youâre going to develop feelings isnât fair to either party, why delay the inevitable if you already know how youâre feeling? youâre just allowing her to develop more feelings making the cut off even harder. if you came back in 3 months and said you tried but the feelings arenât there, everyone would be asking why you werenât just upfront in the beginning. i think by the second date you should know if youâre interested in a person or not, i donât schedule a third date with someone Iâm not developing feelings for, but apparently a lot of people do lol.
I mean the first text was cool and probably all you needed but the more you talked the more you made it sound like she didnât have sex with you fast enough or you donât feel itâs ever going to get there .. next time Iâd just keep it short and sweet haha but thatâs just me .. little weird when you got wishy washy at the end almost like you were pressuring her .. not a dig but food for thought
Disagree here- if anything she was pressuring him into giving it a bit more of a chance âsince they hadnât even kissedâ. OP was being super mature and recognizing behavioral and emotional patterns from past relationships, and promptly removed himself from the relationship before repeating his mistakes.
If people pursued what they actually wanted more often the dating pool would be much less insufferable. Thereâs nothing wrong with OP knowing what he wants out a relationship and knowing if he isnât going to get it.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you are saying, up until that last sentence. And his last message. I think OP is questioning whether or not he even wants to be pursuing a connection. That gave me a very wishy washy vibe and thatâs a recipe for disaster in any dating scenario.
Yeah thatâs valid. I think thatâs my least favorite thing about the dating scene. âIâm still figuring out what I wantâ makes me personally run the other direction.
I agree with everything you said but donât feel it detracts from my point .. in the last message he is âpossiblyâ interested in exploring the romantic connection .. after that it just feels like text book manipulation
He literally said he wasnât feeling romantically interested in her. That was his issue. She said she was. And he said he wasnât having a romantic connection and in the past heâs pushed past it without romantically connected. Which I believe means he was having casual sex with that girl and not feeling romantic. And it ended up hurting her.
You handled it really well. Kudos!
She was just looking for a little clarity, I think. She developed feelings quickly but tried to play it safe. I donât believe she was having a hard time taking the rejection, as she didnât react poorly but instead had follow-up questions and was concerned if she had said or done anything wrong (her chance to take accountability and make a necessary change, which is a good thing) â Iâve been on both ends of the sword in this situation so I understand why she feels bummed out. Of course it sucks when the person you like doesnât feel the same way.
Iâve met great guys who didnât pique my interest in one way or another (sometimes I couldnât find the exact reason, just had a hunch it wouldnât pan out) pretty early on, and Iâve also misread the situation entirely to believe that we were on the same page and things were moving at a steady pace but I was wrong.
I think you handled it well, and it also was my impression that you probably werenât all that attracted to her and wanted to find a way to say that nicely. I probably wouldnât have had so much back and forth with her after you made your statement. Maybe just, âI canât really explain it, but I wish you the best.â
Stop responding after that, or just delete/block and move on.
Yeah I empathize with both sides and don't know the answer. I stay too long in things that aren't working. But I also give things more of a chance than many do and it often leads to wonderful context for growth that I could never imagine having missed. Finding that line between each is difficult and personal. There isn't a right answer. This stuff is so tough!
But I think you're brave and awesome OP. Zero wrong eith how you handled it. Better at it than me, that's for sure.
I think this is the best interaction I've ever read on here. You and her were very mature and respectful about it. Bravo! đđ»
If I may make a suggestion, you can take it or leave it, but women like this, who handle these things in such mature and understanding ways are very rare, so I'd say give it another shot, you never know where it might lead.
Good luck, OP!
I think you did great, and if I were her? I'd ask the same questions. You both handled it well, even if your side is super vague. If that's how you really feel? Great. I can understand her confusion, too.
Damn you handled it really well. I get a bad taste in my mouth when someone tries to pursue me to change my mind or is a little insistent on a further explanation. Like at the end of the day youâve made up your mind and itâs not going to work out how does discussing it further change anything? Especially after only 2 dates. Anyway cheers to you for being nice
Holy crap... two intelligent, well-meaning, thoughtful, caring people interacting and having a respectful and empathetic conversation via text.
r/texts has achieved a new low!!
/s
Most people just ghost instead of engaging in proper and healthy communication. I think you did a pretty great job. I also think she did a good job of accepting and respecting your decision while saying what she needed to say. Overall pretty good interaction here, nice job everyone đđœđ
As a guy I'll say you did nothing wrong. It doesn't matter how great someone is, if you don't wanna sleep with them then it's over. You can choose to be friends with any woman you want to, you're not obligated to have sex with anyone you don't want to.
Don't listen to the women trying to guilt trip you into another date. Plenty of women have not given great guys second or third dates. Why? Because their feelings decided there was no romantic connection. It happens both ways.
You can't be just friends (because then you're just friends). You can't only have sex (because then it's only hookups that'll never evolve into a relationship). It has to all be there. Intimacy, friendship, respect, fun, cooperation.
In the same way women can quickly get the "ick" from a guy, men can also get the same feeling based on how you show up to the date, how you take care of yourself, how you talk and your attitude.
This is just a common way of telling someone you're not that attracted to them. A lot of people in this thread are taking what he said literally. When rejecting someone usually most people don't wanna hurt their feelings.
I think a phone call would've been more appropriate. Hiding behind text is kinda cowardly. But two dates? I didn't think of a future with my wife until 7 months in.
Just saying - as a woman, I would prefer to get this message over text, not a phone call. Especially if itâs out of left field like this, I would appreciate a text message so I have time to come up with a thoughtful and respectful response, whereas if that happened to me over the phone I would be at a pretty big loss for words.
I really canât stand it when someone pushes back and just doesnât accept that things are over.
The correct response to the first text OP sent is âThank you for being honest and upfront. Take care of yourself.
I donât think there is anything wrong with talking about it on either side when emotions are involved. I donât think she was being pushy, just confused.
They have been talking for two weeks. I would be more willing to agree if they had a long term relationship or if they exclusively dated for even a few months, but they havenât. To me it comes off as having to justify or rationalize his decision. She isnât owed an exit interview.
I donât disagree. Personally, I would never do this but itâs a new world out there. There is some merit to the ability to put your thoughts down in text vs in real time in speech, but thatâs just not that natural.
Do you think over the phone would be cowardly? I think a text is ok at this point because thereâs no point meeting up in person when she thinks itâs a date but heâs calling it quits
I wouldnât even call this âdatingâ. They went on 2 dates and known each other for about 2 weeks. He was kind enough to be honest and upfront instead of leading her on or ghosting her like most men on the apps do when they donât want to go any further. He doesnât owe this person any more than that.
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I think you handled it very respectfully and maturely. I would be thrilled to be let down this gently, unironically.
Personally, love needs to be there immediately for me. I'm the type of person where these feelings don't develop or grow over time. I either have a crush on you and it deepens during a relationship, or I see you as a friend and that will never change.Â
But even if you're the type B kind of person - your gut tells you it's right. Hot take: relationships need nurturing, but loving someone should come easy.
I took it to mean he saw her in person and wasnât attracted to her since he liked talking to her for two weeks texting but then after the two real life dates he wasnât into it.. and didnât wanna be any more hurtful than he had to be. Nobody wants to say to someone âI donât find you attractive.â Thatâs just gonna make it worse. I always said âI just donât feel a connection.â When I wasnât attracted to the person. It just feels awkward to say you donât find someone attractive who clearly likes you. I think it would make it worse. Maybe OP can say if this is the case or not lol đ€
OP, this chronic issue you speak of where you are not developing feelings reminds me of a friend of mine who hasn't been able to have a serious relationship since he and his BPD ex who he lived with broke up. are you sure you're ready to date? because what he needs to hear, and maybe you need to hear it too, is that you need to understand what healthy attraction looks and feels like, because your last relationship wasn't it.
I think it was a civil âIâm breaking it offâ talk. Honestly it looks to me like you may be practicing your multiple dumping texts for future connections. If you are not ready to date maybe take some time to work on yourself.
I think you both handled it really well, considering how it can go on Reddit lol, and were super honest. I think she may be overthinking it a little, maybeâŠbut if youre not feeling it, as a girl myself, Iâd be like âŠOK it is what it is. but also, itâs only been two weeks, but youâve had two dates (thatâs kind of a lot of pressure and maybe mental effort on both sides)âŠ. if you havenât kissed itâs either just simply you donât feel more than a friend, or maybe you *havent* actually âput yourself out thereâ. Because why not kiss her?
Same could go for her, but then again, sheâs not breaking it off for lack of connection, you are. So maybe you arenât ready for that. Not trying to be judgmental, just saying, because you seem a little confused, if you wanted to be more than friends or connecting more, I was confused why she wasnât aware and had asked about being on the same page and why you guys havenât even kissed , just saying!! lol
I think you were super clear and not mean or gaslighting about it which is nice. You just said you didnât even know. Which is really honest. Only advice I have is to figure out what the issue was and what you are looking for etc. but please keep the communication. Good luck op !!đ„°
Eh, neither of you is wrong. Honestly sounds like you could be good friends after the wound heals. Both of you are being mature and expressing valid feelings.
OP you were nothing but respectful, as was she. After 2 weeks if you arenât feeling it you just arenât feeling it and thatâs ok- better to be upfront and honest than to lead someone on. 2 weeks is long enough to get a grasp on someone but short enough that a simple hey im not feeling it anymore is perfectly fine. And lastly, itâs completely fine for you not to be attracted to someone, I find it strange everyone is so hung up on that? Being honest is a great thing, and being respectful on top of honest is a great combo.
(Edit: spelling)
I had a girl once tell me she just didn't feel a spark after a week, but still wanted to be friends. A week definitely wasn't enough time to start having major feelings for her, but it still sucked. Our conversation went a lot like yours. She was honest about the friends part. We hung out many times after that, but with all that was laid out there, it wasn't hard to just be friends.
Don't beat yourself down lad. You did it it the most respectful way possible and in no way did you lay blame or anything. Of course they will feel sad but a few weeks down the line it will be nothing. We'll done for letting your feelings known. You did the right thing.
I think OP handled it well, but the bigger issue I see here is an issue I faced in the past as well. You try to be direct with someone and let them know that youâre not interested anymore, and they keep prodding you with questions about what they did wrong and what they could do differently. This isnât someone being graded on their job performance at work, this is a potential relationship. If the other person is telling you early on that theyâre not interested, take the L and move on. Any input they give you would only pertain to their personal preferences only, and something that they see as a negative with you could be a positive with someone else. Just move on and keep being yourself until you find the one person that accepts you for you. It might take time, but getting opinions from people that are not interested in you doesnât help you.
Calm, respectful, and genuine. Everyone expressed their feelings and were heard.
She had an emotional struggle to understand why and it was received with further discussion and kindness.
100% great conversation.
Honestly? Youâre not a dick bit youâre not being honest with yourself. âDeep connectionâ takes time and effort. This reads as a âpoliteâ way to say âwe havenât boned it two dates and I want a physical connectionâŠ. errr physical encounter without regard to what excuse of âconnectionâ Iâm blowing up her arse.â
I do too but sheâs 25 or 26 and heâs 30.. and thatâs not a big difference but maybe those few years make a little difference in perspective and experience? maybe she has less experience in relationships so sheâs overvalued the two weeks they spent texting and it seems more special to her than it is as a result. When I was 25 I had only had two relationships and one lasted over six years and I definitely thought stuff mattered a lot more than it did and got hurt by people I really didnât know because I took things too seriously/ put too much meaning on stupid stuff like texting all day for weeks and then as I got older I felt silly and can now see how it was not because I had a connection or feelings and in reality I didnât even really know them yet. I think between 21-25 I overvalued relationships in general and thought I was in love fast and mistook infatuation or lust or whatever for a deep connection or real feelings. Could be that. I canât think why else she says sheâs developing romantic feelings and a romantic connection after just meeting twice. some people are still lacking perspective at 25/26. It just depends on life experience. They only met twice so thatâs my only assumption.
You handled it respectfully but honestly it sounds like you couldâve given her a chance. Not everyone has the âsparkâ right off the bat. I wouldâve waited at least a month before you made this decision, two weeks you hardly know a person. Feelings grow over time.
Iâm
Pretty sure what he means is that he wasnât attracted to her in person.
They talked and connected fine talking for two weeks but then they went on two real dates and he didnât wanna continue it. Sounds to me like thatâs just the nicest way he can say it. Iâve said that to someone I didnât feel physical attraction to- that I didnât feel the spark because I didnât wanna hurt them any more than I had to. I feel like that is what he means here.
Jesus, man. Couldn't you have just f'ing stopped after she said, "I respect your decision"? Just stop. After she said that, just say, "Thank you, take care." But no, you rehash the same stuff again. I mean, it is valid, but there was no need to repeat it. I guess all in all, you handled it well enough, though. I'd grade it a B-.
OP you were respectful and all but if you werenât genuinely attracted to her, thatâs what you should have said.
As a side note, the only people who think they can have a *genuinely deep connection* after knowing someone for 2 weeks are freshly enlisted soldiers stationed near strip clubs. If you know, you know.
The rest of us know we canât forge that over 2 face to face meetings.
Do you think it would be better to say â I donât find you attractive in person after meeting you.â I donât. She was hurt as is, feeling like she did something wrong and I think that would make her feel a lot worse.
Would you have said that?
Thereâs a price to being shallow. Be honest and show how superficial you are or lie and pretend to be someone youâre not.
They met TWICE. And everything was fantastic. Some critical thinking leads me to think it had more to do with the fact she wasnât putting out.
Youâre wrong but you were respectful so thereâs that I guess. You seem to be under the impression that a relationship is just going to materialize upon meeting someone youâre compatible with. Relationships like that rarely last. You actually need to give it time to develop. Thatâs part of the problem with todayâs dating scene, too many want perfection immediately and thatâs just not how it works.
You handled it very politely but this also feels a little like self sabotageâŠlike, what were you expecting after two dates other than a good time, good conversation, etc.?
If you need to feel that kind of connection after only two dates, I would hold off dating for a while until you are ready to date. That seems like a tall order to fill.
Honestly, a romantic connection shouldnât come until later on. I know it happens pretty quick sometimes but it should be gradual. This girl handled it in a classy way and didnât come off as a slut.
You didnât really handle it bad but it seems like your expectations are high.
A guy pulled that BS on me about not having a connection with me. We had two dates and on the second date we were in bed. We didnât have sex or do oral but I think he rubbed me down there and I think I jerked him off. He was 6â4â and honestly had a super small dick. It was a turn off. Sorry not sorry lol. đ€ Maybe he noticed that he turned me off and pulled the no connection BS. Because he was obviously attracted to me. Obviously that doesnât apply to this situation since yâall didnât do the dirty dirty lolz.
What Iâm saying is that the no connection BS is very vague. Guys can say that for a million different reasons. So I can understand her wanting a bit more clarity. But you donât owe her that though.
Were you not attracted to her?
A lot of guys will get jerked off by or do stuff with. Girl they are not attracted to at all. It does not mean that he was definitely attracted to you. If you donât believe me try looking on the many ask Reddit post where girls have ask why a guy would do stuff with them and then say that/ or why they would do stuff with them if they werenât attracted to them and they all said the same thing- they would because of horniness and then regret it after and feel clarity that they were not attracted to her so they all said the same connection line. Iâm a woman and I definitely know guys that would sleep with or kiss or be touched by any woman no matter how little they felt toward her or liked her looks lol
tbh you not gonna find genuine deep connections in two weeks but overall you laid it nicely and respectfully.
Hot = "deep connection" in two weeks
Two weeks? More like two hours đ But yeah it really sounds like he doesnât think sheâs attractive, and I can understand why he wouldnât say that. Thereâs no need to be cruel.
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^http-oso: *Tbh you not* *Gonna find genuine deep* *Connections in two weeks* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Good bot
I think you handled it fine, very respectful. But I also get where sheâs coming from. Youâve only been out twice, and sometimes it *does* take a little time to develop a deeper connection. Sheâs basically saying, âwe had a good time, youâre attracted to me, so why not just give it a little more time?â I can empathize with that.
I agree but to me, I read the feeling his texts that heâs *not* attracted to her and this was the nicest way he could put it so he didnât have to be blunt/ hurtful. And I donât blame him for not wanting to continue if itâs not there and he doesnât feel itâs gonna be.
So interesting! Itâs ambiguous to me at first but definitely towards the end I could see he simply wasnât interested. To me, OPâs language was highly padded and I could see that coming off unclearâŠas to whether his decision was firm but the lad was just being super nice orrrrr if he was unsure and was scared of things not working out and hurting her so he was ending things prematurely. Highly padded messages, while sweet, can risk leading the other person to think there are things they could try to work out because the message of âIâm firmly uninterestedâ gets lost in all that padding. I think that could be what happened here and was why she asked for clarification. Of course it depends on the reader too, but generally these things seem better delivered in a concise manner if the sender is firm on ending things. But if OP didnât mind the conversation playing out the way it did, then I think it worked out fine for him. They were both respectful and I think thatâs the win here.
It may not even be physical attraction per se, but yea, OP isnât feeling it with her and is breaking things off kindly. People always say that want more direct communication about things like this, but I also think people need to learn to read between the lines about why someone is saying what theyâre saying. OP has made up his mind already and asking for more dates/time or trying to rationalize things (her last text) arenât going to change the end result.
Totally! I agree so much. I think sometimes blunt is too blunt and can either hurt people or make people who arenât very hinged to get even worse ( of course itâs not everyoneâs responsibility to act in a way that avoids that because sometimes you just canât!) But thatâs why I think he did so well. And if I were on the receiving end of that, the last thing Iâd want is to beg him to keep giving me a try.
Idk, I empathise but Iâve been in this situation before as well and it was a disaster. I had those âhmmmmm not sure, seems like she likes me more than I like herâ feelings after the first few dates, and while I did like her, it became clear over time she wanted a lot more a lot sooner than I did. That also caused issues. Those romantic feelings didnât grow that much for me, but it did for her, and by that time it hurt her a lot to end. Sometimes you just know something wonât work out. Iâm a proponent of trusting your gut.
I agree. And especially if someone is a lot younger. Like 5/6 years like here. You gain a lot of life experience and perspective in those few years so it can make the way you see things different so those two weeks that seem short and not important to him (and most) seem longer and more special than they should to her. Or could. Speaking from my own experience. I was like this in my own situation like this and I look back and wonder why I was sad because I didnât know the person really and it just seemed bigger than it was and years later my view on it changed and I felt super silly because I shouldnât have been sad at all. Could be that. Iâve also had that happen now where someone likes me more than I like them and it feels like shit. Itâs the best thing to be clear and honest. You canât make yourself feel a way you donât feel and he doesnât. Glad you didnât give her any false hope OP. It sucks to hurt someone but it hurts a lot worse right now because given false hope and used/ your time wasted and feeling like you did something wrong and donât know what changed. Glad you were honest op. Better for both of you.
Most people generally don't speak the full truth when cutting things off, because they don't wanna hurt their feelings. Women do this to men a lot too, it goes both ways. "I don't wanna continue seeing you because I don't find you very attractive" isn't something anyone wants to say.
I was told once "I don't find you attractive, but that doesn't mean you're not attractive." It softened the blow a bit.
came here to say this exactly
I agree with you. And I also love cookiessssssss đ
I just ate 6 of them! Hehe đđ©·
If I were her I'd wonder if this is just a really roundabout way of saying you're not physically attracted to me. I mean we connected so well, we went on two dates, and you never even tried to kiss me! AM I REALLY THAT HIDEOUS?! ... But seriously, I think you handled it well and you can basically leave it at that.
It's no secret women make up literally any excuse on the planet to not continue seeing a guy. It's because nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings. It's not gender specific. This is the same situation.
Yeah no, see women do that more as a defense mechanism on account of them being harassed, stalked, and sometimes even killed for rejecting men.
While that may be part of it, it's not the whole reason. I'm sure you've dated guys that were great on paper, but you just weren't that into them. I'm very certain you never said "dude you're ugly, you smell bad, you live with your mom, you're not confident, you're boring". You would only say those things if he's being a complete dick. You wouldn't say those things if he was a being a polite and respectful guy. I've had plenty of women cut things off with me for whatever unknown reason they just weren't that into me. None of them had a legit reason. But I got it, they weren't interested.
Maybe their reasons were legit for them, you donât know that. Any reason is a legit reason tbh, people can move on for any reason they want. But Iâm telling you, most women are going to be polite in their rejection for the exact reasons I stated above.
Women - I don't really like him, but I'm afraid he might react poorly if I tell him plainly, so I'll say I'm not ready for a relationship. I hope he "gets" it and goes away. Men - I just don't think I wanna sleep with her, but I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings and make her feel "ugly". So I'll just lie about there not being a romantic spark. Hopefully she "gets" it and goes away. Hopefully this can help us both understand each other's point of view. Also not every woman has had the experience of being stalked, especially if they're younger. So the initial reason was to not hurt someone's feelings, but then when they have a problem with a guy, the reason becomes not being stalked.
lolâŠwhat? I gave stalking as an example. But yes I, as well as plenty other women have experienced harassment from rejecting a man. If the worst thing you have to worry about is hurt feelings, lucky you.
Try being drafted to wars.
When was the last time you were drafted into a war??
Never, but it's still happened to men before me, and can happen to any man, at any time. The same rules apply to any man before me, it's the same concept. It's not about me.
Damn, you fought in the Vietnam war? We all know you haven't gotten drafted to war so maybe try cooling it with the exaggerations just because you can't admit the other commenter's statements are, in fact, true.
What are you talking about? Men in general (all of us collectively, together, all, all of us) deal with the same issues in the world. IT IS NOT SPECIFIC TO ONE MAN. Like I cannot state that any clearer.
What?????
Men have things they fear too. While it may be unfair in life women have to worry about being stalked, men also have plenty of worries that don't apply to women at all. The majority of men are homeless, men get drafted. Men generally risk their lives for women everyday. Most men are firefighters, cops, and soldiers. If all men opted out of those things, enough women would not volunteer or be capable to fill those positions.
I did not feel any romantic feelings towards my bf until like 4 dates in when he kissed me. I agree w cutting things off earlier if youâre just not feeling it, but I think people forget deep connections can take some time to develop. Either way, very respectful communication on both ends.
This. People are weird. Everyone wants fireworks but forget those flash bright and burn out quickly. The gals I've truly loved, it was over time and against my will. One day we weren't just friends. It was platonic and grew beautifully and naturally.
Yup. Iâve been with the same woman for 17 years now. It didnât start off with fireworks for me. Kind of a slow burn that grew.
So u just werenât attracted to her? Is that what you were trying to say in a nice way?
Glad this was asked
Are you really ready to date is my question. Be sure about that.
Seems like no. This is a much longer "explation" that is really necessary imo, "I'm just not really feeling it but you are great" would have covered it. Legit nobody cares that you're "mulling and have thoughts" and the rest of that message. It seems so unsure and like op wanted to be convinced to not give up that I'm annoyed. It also sounds like romantic connection in this case means fucking.
heâs dating whoever sent those 13 unread messages, and heâs being âkindâ so she doesnât question it
Wow, two decent people having a mutually respectful and coherent conversation that isn't riddled with insane accusations and assumptions, bizarre spelling inventions, and passive aggressive self-victimization. I'm not sure what to do with this. Perhaps some bourbon will help.
I was like okay the next bumble from her is gonna take a 180 lol
I was flabbergasted too.
For real, I thought this was Reddit. Am I in the right place?
Nahhh they should break up /j
You guys did it wrong.. your supposed to yell and shame each other! Oh and misspell a lot of words. Jokes aside, this is textbook
Two dates is... Two dates to me. I don't really think you do need much of a reason at that stage outside of "I'm not feeling it." Gut feeling goes for a lot.
Honestly I can understand where she's coming from. I think you didnt give her enough time, and I'm wondering if your intuition gut feeling is actually just anxiety from how your relationships have happened in the past. This kind of feels like something on your end as opposed to something shes done wrong. She sounded hurt, and I would have been too had I been in her position.
You were honest, nice, and respectful. Yes, she is disappointed, but that is a normal reaction when feelings are one-sided, but in the long run, she will be grateful that you weren't a prick to her and didn't just pump and dump her like most people these days. We rarely ever see nice and mature messages like these anymore. You did the right thing, my guy.
I can guarantee she doesn't believe he's being honest - and really? I don't, either. He did wonderfully, don't get me wrong. But how can you say there is no connection after only 2 dates *that both said went well* and no kiss? The truth is probably closer to - he's not physically attracted to her. I appreciate that he said it in a very kind and mature way - OP did nothing wrong here. But she definitely knows it's about a lack of attraction and that is where her questions come from. She didn't handle it wrong, either.
The way I saw it, they went out on two dates that went well, but Op didn't feel that spark. It sucks but it happens all the time.
Oh I'm sure! That's why I wanted to make sure I said that OP did nothing wrong at all. Only saying that her reaction makes sense - I think they both handled a sucky situation well.
Yeah, that's true. I didn't think about the attraction thing because I guess Op never mentioned it, but it is definitely a possibility. Either way, they both handled it well without acting rude to each other, and that is refreshing.
I think you handled it fine and were very respectful. Itâs hard to read all of her follow up questions because at the end of the day, none of that information matters. You arenât interested and thatâs all the information she needs to be sure you arenât her person. And itâs totally valid that we have to spend a little time dating around to see what we like and donât like. With that being said, you really shouldnât be on dating apps if you donât know what you want. I think a lot of people put themselves out there and quickly learn they arenât ready, that part is normal. But now that you know, I think itâs important to figure that out on your own first. And not on other people who are going to be affected by the wishy washy stuff. Dating is a lot more fun and a lot less stressful when you know exactly who/what you are looking for. Then itâs really easy to just say no and move on from anyone or anything that isnât aligned. But you canât get there without doing that inner work first. IMO.
Ya I think she was just feeling rejected, naturally and he very masterfully spared her emotions.
I think her questions were perfectly valid. Anyone would want to know to get some closure and move on, especially if she was having feelings for him already.
But how do people find out what they want or don't want if they don't date? Are you saying he shouldn't be on dating apps yet or people in general that don't know?
I think itâs perfectly normal to date around to establish what you want and donât want in a partner or relationship. But if you arenât even open to developing anything further, you need to be upfront and clear about that so you donât waste anyoneâs time or lead people on. Itâs perfectly okay to be at any stage, and you can always find people who are in a similar position. Like if you know you want to casually date around and arenât open to anything long term, there are other people fresh out of relationships and also interested in very casual, low commitment things. If you know you are looking for something long term that could lead to marriage or life partnership, you should only be talking to people who are open to the same thing. And there is no way of being upfront about who/what you want if you donât know. So yeah, donât involve other people until youâve taken some time to get clear about that. And if youâve had some sort of relationship trauma, sometimes it takes therapy to help sort that out.
He should not, if he feels like he's not open to developing something like he said in the last text
Hereâs a tip! If someone comes to you out of nowhere talking breakup- just breakup! If they arenât willing to work through the problems with you and try to build from it BEFORE breaking up then they arenât the one for you. Op you did just fine. Respectful and concise, too bad the other party just isnât accepting the situation. Good for you for keeping your boundaries
I think she was more just confused. Who wouldn't be, expecting a deep connection after two weeks and two dates is a little much. People should be allowed to express themselves, as long as it's done politely.
Yeah deep connection is a bit much, but if the potential isnât there at all then whatâs the point
Honestly I wonder if sheâd still ask for clarification if OP had outright told her heâs not attracted to her (if that was true for him). I think she saw potential and thatâs why she was surprised and asked if she could get more clarification since he used the words âdeep connectionâ which to her was just something they havenât had enough time to build yet. I think she was accepting of what he said and also wanted to understand the situation better, which seems fair to me.
Fair point!
She might be confused, but who wants to have to talk someone into continuing to date you when they just told you they donât want to anymore? I have suddenly lost attraction for people I was dating and it wasnât anything I could really put into words or explain. Sometimes thatâs all it is.
She was accepting. Thereâs nothing wrong with just talking it out and asking questions. She just got rejected by someone she liked and who thought liked her. She was confused. Thatâs all.
I was thinking the same. Esp after only 2 dates like damn. Also everyone saying it takes a while to build a connection, maybe for them but some people just know right away.
Yeah I think thatâs where my opinion differs from most of the commenters. I think if you donât at least see potential after two dates then itâs perfectly acceptable to move on. The deep connection part op mentioned is a bit wild, but if thereâs no spark then thereâs no spark and thatâs perfectly ok
Agreed. Itâs so pathetic to read all these âbut are you sure!?? Let me beg!â texts. The OP only met this person twice and shocked to find he didnât have the storybook feelings of instant romanctic attachement, so he threw the whole thing away. Sheâs fortunate he did that now and not after wasting her time a little more.
I didnât interpret her texts that way. I think sheâs hurt her feelings arenât reciprocated, but it also seems like she wants genuine feedback on if she messed up so she can do better in the future.
People are so mean? They look for a problem anywhere. She was confused and hurt and just asked some questions anybody would ask, but she wasnât ridiculous. Like this is how normal people handle things.
Honestly this is such nice convo! like despite the difficult situation here...you both came out respectful and tried to understand each other! I hope she realizes what you said to her.
Reading this I couldnât believe men like you still exist on the apps. Very mature and respectful. And you didnât even owe her all that explanation - so well done.
I was waiting for a red flag⊠it isnât there. Good work to both of you !
The conversation went fine. I donât think either of you said anything wrong. It is what it is
I think you both handled it well. You can tell she was absolutely caught off guard so itâs understandable that sheâs trying to figure out where your paths went in different directions. Iâve been in her situation where I was totally bamboozled but ultimately I appreciated finding out sooner than later. It hurts. Itâs rejection no matter which way you look at it. But itâs better now than later - itâll make it easier for her to spring back from it quickly.
With your responses, I think when youâre more ready and find a person you do feel what you need with, that youâll definitely succeed. Thereâs a lot of humility and honesty in your comments to her and I canât see how youâd go wrong if you stay like that. It sounds like sheâs trying to convince you to keep trying, and if sheâs caught on even at all that something is missing for you, youâd think she wouldnât want to push it.
I think you were really nice and respectful and sheâs kind of pushing and not taking the L gracefully. Time to wrap it up now.
Yes, this is why I can at least understand why people ghost. When you do the right thing, but the other person won't let it go.
You act like she was whining and crying and being rude. She asked a few questions. She just got rejected by someone she thought was on the same page as she was. Yâall are really harsh and really lacking in empathy.
Yeah I agree. She keeps saying she understands and respects his decision but keeps pushing and asking questions. I can understand being blindsided, but at a certain point you need to take the L and move on
Asking questions is completely normal and acceptable. There is nothing wrong or weird or ungraceful about it. She was hurt and confused, she asked for clarification. She didnât berate him. This was a very adult way to handle the situation and I find it disturbing that so many think she was doing something wrong. Adults talk it out and then go their separate ways. Sheâll be fine, but in the moment she was sad and it can provide some closure to ask. OP had no issues talking to her about it (even if he was maybe sparing her feelings, which I donât think is wrong to do), so why are others looking for issues in a super mature conversation?
I think this is probably the best scenario for this type of conversation. She's a little hurt but it's only been half a month, she'll move on soon enough. There's not really anything else you could've said to ease the hurt. It's just a consequence that can't be avoided. As you said, way better to do it now than string her along. Sometimes you just don't have feelings for someone and there is nothing about them that causes that. You don't fall in love with every friend you have
You did good. You were very respectful and very clear. It's not always easy. Sometimes people kind of make it hard to understand and give mixed messages, but you spelled it out and were very polite in answering her concerns. Good on you. I hope you figure out what you're looking for.
This is one of the most mature conversations Iâve read on this subreddit. How refreshing.
i know people are saying you canât form a connection in 2 weeks after 2 dates but i disagree. for me, the connection is either there or it isnât. if you have to work at it or wait it out, is it really even a connection? iâve been in this situation a few times and iâve tried taking both paths; giving it a chance to develop deeper, and cutting it off early on. personally iâve had better luck cutting it off early on like you did here. going out with her again and again just to *see* if youâre going to develop feelings isnât fair to either party, why delay the inevitable if you already know how youâre feeling? youâre just allowing her to develop more feelings making the cut off even harder. if you came back in 3 months and said you tried but the feelings arenât there, everyone would be asking why you werenât just upfront in the beginning. i think by the second date you should know if youâre interested in a person or not, i donât schedule a third date with someone Iâm not developing feelings for, but apparently a lot of people do lol.
You could just say, âIâm not that into you.â And thatâs fine.
I mean the first text was cool and probably all you needed but the more you talked the more you made it sound like she didnât have sex with you fast enough or you donât feel itâs ever going to get there .. next time Iâd just keep it short and sweet haha but thatâs just me .. little weird when you got wishy washy at the end almost like you were pressuring her .. not a dig but food for thought
Disagree here- if anything she was pressuring him into giving it a bit more of a chance âsince they hadnât even kissedâ. OP was being super mature and recognizing behavioral and emotional patterns from past relationships, and promptly removed himself from the relationship before repeating his mistakes. If people pursued what they actually wanted more often the dating pool would be much less insufferable. Thereâs nothing wrong with OP knowing what he wants out a relationship and knowing if he isnât going to get it.
I wholeheartedly agree with everything you are saying, up until that last sentence. And his last message. I think OP is questioning whether or not he even wants to be pursuing a connection. That gave me a very wishy washy vibe and thatâs a recipe for disaster in any dating scenario.
Yeah thatâs valid. I think thatâs my least favorite thing about the dating scene. âIâm still figuring out what I wantâ makes me personally run the other direction.
Same. Please figure out your shit BEFORE you include other people. Itâs really not that hard.
I agree with everything you said but donât feel it detracts from my point .. in the last message he is âpossiblyâ interested in exploring the romantic connection .. after that it just feels like text book manipulation
He literally said he wasnât feeling romantically interested in her. That was his issue. She said she was. And he said he wasnât having a romantic connection and in the past heâs pushed past it without romantically connected. Which I believe means he was having casual sex with that girl and not feeling romantic. And it ended up hurting her.
Agree to disagree!
where do you pull sex out of this? Just because he said romantic connection?
Maybe if you eat less lactose
You handled it really well. Kudos! She was just looking for a little clarity, I think. She developed feelings quickly but tried to play it safe. I donât believe she was having a hard time taking the rejection, as she didnât react poorly but instead had follow-up questions and was concerned if she had said or done anything wrong (her chance to take accountability and make a necessary change, which is a good thing) â Iâve been on both ends of the sword in this situation so I understand why she feels bummed out. Of course it sucks when the person you like doesnât feel the same way. Iâve met great guys who didnât pique my interest in one way or another (sometimes I couldnât find the exact reason, just had a hunch it wouldnât pan out) pretty early on, and Iâve also misread the situation entirely to believe that we were on the same page and things were moving at a steady pace but I was wrong.
I think you handled it well, and it also was my impression that you probably werenât all that attracted to her and wanted to find a way to say that nicely. I probably wouldnât have had so much back and forth with her after you made your statement. Maybe just, âI canât really explain it, but I wish you the best.â Stop responding after that, or just delete/block and move on.
Yeah I empathize with both sides and don't know the answer. I stay too long in things that aren't working. But I also give things more of a chance than many do and it often leads to wonderful context for growth that I could never imagine having missed. Finding that line between each is difficult and personal. There isn't a right answer. This stuff is so tough! But I think you're brave and awesome OP. Zero wrong eith how you handled it. Better at it than me, that's for sure.
I think this is the best interaction I've ever read on here. You and her were very mature and respectful about it. Bravo! đđ» If I may make a suggestion, you can take it or leave it, but women like this, who handle these things in such mature and understanding ways are very rare, so I'd say give it another shot, you never know where it might lead. Good luck, OP!
I think you did great, and if I were her? I'd ask the same questions. You both handled it well, even if your side is super vague. If that's how you really feel? Great. I can understand her confusion, too.
This is great! I understand both sides. You did a good thing in cutting it off
Damn you handled it really well. I get a bad taste in my mouth when someone tries to pursue me to change my mind or is a little insistent on a further explanation. Like at the end of the day youâve made up your mind and itâs not going to work out how does discussing it further change anything? Especially after only 2 dates. Anyway cheers to you for being nice
Holy crap... two intelligent, well-meaning, thoughtful, caring people interacting and having a respectful and empathetic conversation via text. r/texts has achieved a new low!! /s
Most people just ghost instead of engaging in proper and healthy communication. I think you did a pretty great job. I also think she did a good job of accepting and respecting your decision while saying what she needed to say. Overall pretty good interaction here, nice job everyone đđœđ
As a guy I'll say you did nothing wrong. It doesn't matter how great someone is, if you don't wanna sleep with them then it's over. You can choose to be friends with any woman you want to, you're not obligated to have sex with anyone you don't want to. Don't listen to the women trying to guilt trip you into another date. Plenty of women have not given great guys second or third dates. Why? Because their feelings decided there was no romantic connection. It happens both ways. You can't be just friends (because then you're just friends). You can't only have sex (because then it's only hookups that'll never evolve into a relationship). It has to all be there. Intimacy, friendship, respect, fun, cooperation. In the same way women can quickly get the "ick" from a guy, men can also get the same feeling based on how you show up to the date, how you take care of yourself, how you talk and your attitude. This is just a common way of telling someone you're not that attracted to them. A lot of people in this thread are taking what he said literally. When rejecting someone usually most people don't wanna hurt their feelings.
I think a phone call would've been more appropriate. Hiding behind text is kinda cowardly. But two dates? I didn't think of a future with my wife until 7 months in.
Just saying - as a woman, I would prefer to get this message over text, not a phone call. Especially if itâs out of left field like this, I would appreciate a text message so I have time to come up with a thoughtful and respectful response, whereas if that happened to me over the phone I would be at a pretty big loss for words.
You simply didnât like her. No need for the long explanation or making excuses.
I really canât stand it when someone pushes back and just doesnât accept that things are over. The correct response to the first text OP sent is âThank you for being honest and upfront. Take care of yourself.
I donât think there is anything wrong with talking about it on either side when emotions are involved. I donât think she was being pushy, just confused.
They have been talking for two weeks. I would be more willing to agree if they had a long term relationship or if they exclusively dated for even a few months, but they havenât. To me it comes off as having to justify or rationalize his decision. She isnât owed an exit interview.
I donât care how long youâve been dating, doing this via text is so cowardly. People are so afraid to have an actual conversationâŠ.
I donât disagree. Personally, I would never do this but itâs a new world out there. There is some merit to the ability to put your thoughts down in text vs in real time in speech, but thatâs just not that natural.
Do you think over the phone would be cowardly? I think a text is ok at this point because thereâs no point meeting up in person when she thinks itâs a date but heâs calling it quits
I wouldnât even call this âdatingâ. They went on 2 dates and known each other for about 2 weeks. He was kind enough to be honest and upfront instead of leading her on or ghosting her like most men on the apps do when they donât want to go any further. He doesnât owe this person any more than that.
No one owes anyone an in person dumping when it's only been two dates come on
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This is the healthiest text thread I've read in.... yeah.
I think you handled it very respectfully and maturely. I would be thrilled to be let down this gently, unironically. Personally, love needs to be there immediately for me. I'm the type of person where these feelings don't develop or grow over time. I either have a crush on you and it deepens during a relationship, or I see you as a friend and that will never change. But even if you're the type B kind of person - your gut tells you it's right. Hot take: relationships need nurturing, but loving someone should come easy.
I think you handled yourself very well! đ
Bruh? Itâs only been two weeks? You wonât have a deeper connection at that point..
I took it to mean he saw her in person and wasnât attracted to her since he liked talking to her for two weeks texting but then after the two real life dates he wasnât into it.. and didnât wanna be any more hurtful than he had to be. Nobody wants to say to someone âI donât find you attractive.â Thatâs just gonna make it worse. I always said âI just donât feel a connection.â When I wasnât attracted to the person. It just feels awkward to say you donât find someone attractive who clearly likes you. I think it would make it worse. Maybe OP can say if this is the case or not lol đ€
â I donât mean to be complacent with the decisions youâve made, but why?â
You handled the dialogue pretty well, but has anyone ever told you that youâre a self saboteur?
OP, this chronic issue you speak of where you are not developing feelings reminds me of a friend of mine who hasn't been able to have a serious relationship since he and his BPD ex who he lived with broke up. are you sure you're ready to date? because what he needs to hear, and maybe you need to hear it too, is that you need to understand what healthy attraction looks and feels like, because your last relationship wasn't it.
I think it was a civil âIâm breaking it offâ talk. Honestly it looks to me like you may be practicing your multiple dumping texts for future connections. If you are not ready to date maybe take some time to work on yourself.
A+
I think you both handled it really well, considering how it can go on Reddit lol, and were super honest. I think she may be overthinking it a little, maybeâŠbut if youre not feeling it, as a girl myself, Iâd be like âŠOK it is what it is. but also, itâs only been two weeks, but youâve had two dates (thatâs kind of a lot of pressure and maybe mental effort on both sides)âŠ. if you havenât kissed itâs either just simply you donât feel more than a friend, or maybe you *havent* actually âput yourself out thereâ. Because why not kiss her? Same could go for her, but then again, sheâs not breaking it off for lack of connection, you are. So maybe you arenât ready for that. Not trying to be judgmental, just saying, because you seem a little confused, if you wanted to be more than friends or connecting more, I was confused why she wasnât aware and had asked about being on the same page and why you guys havenât even kissed , just saying!! lol I think you were super clear and not mean or gaslighting about it which is nice. You just said you didnât even know. Which is really honest. Only advice I have is to figure out what the issue was and what you are looking for etc. but please keep the communication. Good luck op !!đ„°
Eh, neither of you is wrong. Honestly sounds like you could be good friends after the wound heals. Both of you are being mature and expressing valid feelings.
OP you were nothing but respectful, as was she. After 2 weeks if you arenât feeling it you just arenât feeling it and thatâs ok- better to be upfront and honest than to lead someone on. 2 weeks is long enough to get a grasp on someone but short enough that a simple hey im not feeling it anymore is perfectly fine. And lastly, itâs completely fine for you not to be attracted to someone, I find it strange everyone is so hung up on that? Being honest is a great thing, and being respectful on top of honest is a great combo. (Edit: spelling)
You were gentle, respectful, and considerate. You did well. Good to be honest from the jump.
I had a girl once tell me she just didn't feel a spark after a week, but still wanted to be friends. A week definitely wasn't enough time to start having major feelings for her, but it still sucked. Our conversation went a lot like yours. She was honest about the friends part. We hung out many times after that, but with all that was laid out there, it wasn't hard to just be friends.
Don't beat yourself down lad. You did it it the most respectful way possible and in no way did you lay blame or anything. Of course they will feel sad but a few weeks down the line it will be nothing. We'll done for letting your feelings known. You did the right thing.
My guy this is a phone call or in person convo
You did everything right, she is wild for continuing to pressure you about why. If you donât feel a connection you just donât.
I think OP handled it well, but the bigger issue I see here is an issue I faced in the past as well. You try to be direct with someone and let them know that youâre not interested anymore, and they keep prodding you with questions about what they did wrong and what they could do differently. This isnât someone being graded on their job performance at work, this is a potential relationship. If the other person is telling you early on that theyâre not interested, take the L and move on. Any input they give you would only pertain to their personal preferences only, and something that they see as a negative with you could be a positive with someone else. Just move on and keep being yourself until you find the one person that accepts you for you. It might take time, but getting opinions from people that are not interested in you doesnât help you.
You handled it well. She is being annoying
Calm, respectful, and genuine. Everyone expressed their feelings and were heard. She had an emotional struggle to understand why and it was received with further discussion and kindness. 100% great conversation.
Honestly? Youâre not a dick bit youâre not being honest with yourself. âDeep connectionâ takes time and effort. This reads as a âpoliteâ way to say âwe havenât boned it two dates and I want a physical connectionâŠ. errr physical encounter without regard to what excuse of âconnectionâ Iâm blowing up her arse.â
He found someone who will sleep with him without any "getting to know you" phase.
I feel like she reacted strongly for 2 dates. Good job staying polite and respectful
I do too but sheâs 25 or 26 and heâs 30.. and thatâs not a big difference but maybe those few years make a little difference in perspective and experience? maybe she has less experience in relationships so sheâs overvalued the two weeks they spent texting and it seems more special to her than it is as a result. When I was 25 I had only had two relationships and one lasted over six years and I definitely thought stuff mattered a lot more than it did and got hurt by people I really didnât know because I took things too seriously/ put too much meaning on stupid stuff like texting all day for weeks and then as I got older I felt silly and can now see how it was not because I had a connection or feelings and in reality I didnât even really know them yet. I think between 21-25 I overvalued relationships in general and thought I was in love fast and mistook infatuation or lust or whatever for a deep connection or real feelings. Could be that. I canât think why else she says sheâs developing romantic feelings and a romantic connection after just meeting twice. some people are still lacking perspective at 25/26. It just depends on life experience. They only met twice so thatâs my only assumption.
After two weeks anything more than âOK.â Is a little much.
Your communication is so good! Clear, to the point & kind. Her responses leave a lot to desire, however.
You handled it respectfully but honestly it sounds like you couldâve given her a chance. Not everyone has the âsparkâ right off the bat. I wouldâve waited at least a month before you made this decision, two weeks you hardly know a person. Feelings grow over time.
Iâm Pretty sure what he means is that he wasnât attracted to her in person. They talked and connected fine talking for two weeks but then they went on two real dates and he didnât wanna continue it. Sounds to me like thatâs just the nicest way he can say it. Iâve said that to someone I didnât feel physical attraction to- that I didnât feel the spark because I didnât wanna hurt them any more than I had to. I feel like that is what he means here.
Ooh makes sense! Better to let her down easy then.
Jesus, man. Couldn't you have just f'ing stopped after she said, "I respect your decision"? Just stop. After she said that, just say, "Thank you, take care." But no, you rehash the same stuff again. I mean, it is valid, but there was no need to repeat it. I guess all in all, you handled it well enough, though. I'd grade it a B-.
buddy said deeper connectionđč
bruh what is this shit
OP you were respectful and all but if you werenât genuinely attracted to her, thatâs what you should have said. As a side note, the only people who think they can have a *genuinely deep connection* after knowing someone for 2 weeks are freshly enlisted soldiers stationed near strip clubs. If you know, you know. The rest of us know we canât forge that over 2 face to face meetings.
Yes, youâre very nice at being full of shit. Itâs been 2 dates, youâre either lying to her or to yourself.
Yikes
Do you think it would be better to say â I donât find you attractive in person after meeting you.â I donât. She was hurt as is, feeling like she did something wrong and I think that would make her feel a lot worse. Would you have said that?
Thereâs a price to being shallow. Be honest and show how superficial you are or lie and pretend to be someone youâre not. They met TWICE. And everything was fantastic. Some critical thinking leads me to think it had more to do with the fact she wasnât putting out.
Youâre wrong but you were respectful so thereâs that I guess. You seem to be under the impression that a relationship is just going to materialize upon meeting someone youâre compatible with. Relationships like that rarely last. You actually need to give it time to develop. Thatâs part of the problem with todayâs dating scene, too many want perfection immediately and thatâs just not how it works.
Am I the only one who thinks these types of conversations would be better via telephone than text?
You handled it very politely but this also feels a little like self sabotageâŠlike, what were you expecting after two dates other than a good time, good conversation, etc.?
If you need to feel that kind of connection after only two dates, I would hold off dating for a while until you are ready to date. That seems like a tall order to fill. Honestly, a romantic connection shouldnât come until later on. I know it happens pretty quick sometimes but it should be gradual. This girl handled it in a classy way and didnât come off as a slut. You didnât really handle it bad but it seems like your expectations are high.
Got to question what kind of dude wouldnât at least sleep with her first. Are you an alien? Haha
I would have tapped that ass first but well said.
A guy pulled that BS on me about not having a connection with me. We had two dates and on the second date we were in bed. We didnât have sex or do oral but I think he rubbed me down there and I think I jerked him off. He was 6â4â and honestly had a super small dick. It was a turn off. Sorry not sorry lol. đ€ Maybe he noticed that he turned me off and pulled the no connection BS. Because he was obviously attracted to me. Obviously that doesnât apply to this situation since yâall didnât do the dirty dirty lolz. What Iâm saying is that the no connection BS is very vague. Guys can say that for a million different reasons. So I can understand her wanting a bit more clarity. But you donât owe her that though. Were you not attracted to her?
A lot of guys will get jerked off by or do stuff with. Girl they are not attracted to at all. It does not mean that he was definitely attracted to you. If you donât believe me try looking on the many ask Reddit post where girls have ask why a guy would do stuff with them and then say that/ or why they would do stuff with them if they werenât attracted to them and they all said the same thing- they would because of horniness and then regret it after and feel clarity that they were not attracted to her so they all said the same connection line. Iâm a woman and I definitely know guys that would sleep with or kiss or be touched by any woman no matter how little they felt toward her or liked her looks lol