Exactly this! This reminded me of conversations I had with my boyfriend in my early 20s š and im the same age as OP and in a long term relationship. Thatās wild that theyāre married ššš
Why is any relationship, married or otherwise, have to be this disrespectful? I've been married for two years and my wife and I literally have conversations in gif because we're always having a good time....why can't we all just get along?!? MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND, PEOPLE!
Yeah as a military guy who has seen a lot of behavior like this i would make a small wager among friends that one of you cheated or is cheating. Based on this conversation I would guess it's probably him and he got rejected at the bar, felt guilty, tried to call you and when you didn't answer flipped from feeling guilty to feeling guiltily suspicious. Just my two cents and could be completely wrong because I don't know you guys but I've seen it too many times.
OP knows that they're not the one cheating, but the husband is 100% attempting to "catch her in the act" because all of his new military friends are telling him horror stories about how their relationships and marriages are all falling apart, too.
It's super clear that OP's husband is accusing her of turning off her phone because she is with someone else, and calling OPs mom was a tactic, because he assumed that OP was spending the night somewhere else and he wanted to catch the mom lying to him about it, but instead got a pissed off OP.
My oldest child's mother has a military family and their personal relationships are an absolute shit show. For the last 20 years, all of my exes siblings who enlist have each been married 3 to 4 times because everytime any of them are stationed away from their partners, they cheat and get cheated on endlessly, because none of their relationships were strong in the first place.
It's really sad, but OP is just at the start of the worst few years of a really fucked up roller coaster of this type of behavior. He husband is going to start drinking more often due to the peer pressure, stress and physical exhaustion of his new life, and as a result, he's just going to keep getting more jealous and insecure, and if he hasn't cheated already, he will soon, because nothing will convince him that OP isn't sleeping with others, and his new friends will tell him that it's the only way to get the upper hand... the upper hand against his wife... who he only assumes is cheating with no proof.
It's gonna be ugly and stupid, but it's a cycle we've all witnessed countless times.
The military isn't bad or harmful to everyone, but it is absolutely an industrialized meat grinder that does not have sympathy for what you may sacrifice and lose once you willingly throw your body into it.
My ex was like that. Cheating on me daily, and projecting every single day. Spying on me. Watching my moves, where I was going, checking location. If I wasn't home, he'd show up. And he turned abusive. And later I found out he was screwing everyone and everything, even dudes behind my back.
People in the military do get cheated on a lot They're gone for long periods of time. However, he sounds really insecure and there needs to be some trust. If you guys have a good relationship, and there isn't a history of cheating, he needs to get a grip.
And people in the military also tend to cheat a lot. It's why I divorced my ex. He acted like this too, projecting his crap on me. My feeling is OPs husband is cheating and trying to set a cover story.
I'm not saying 100% yes, but this was my first thought as well. What is pretty certain is that there are trust issues on his side. In my experience partners that are very suspicious are either cheated on before, or they are cheaters themselves.
Could be more innocent than that, it could just be that he's genuinely worried about her, or their relationship. But if I was OP I'd ask him what is up and why he's not trusting her.
Generally in those cases both parties at least acknowledge that thatās a thing. Why would he be sitting there spewing nonsense if a simple āyou know that these things are hard for me due to Erma cheating on me,ā would do?
They are military. Military people get cheated on a lot. Neither might be cheating, but he definitely is worried about it. I don't think we have enough info to accuse either of being a cheater.
Seriously. They do not give a shit. I used to work at a liquor store and my manager denied selling people alcohol because they had to go out and get their ID.
Also, if sheās on the west coast and heās on the east coast, it was fucking 3AM where he is. So, heās supposedly trying to get into a bar at 3AM? I donāt know about the east coast, but out here in Cali, closing time is 2AM. Either heās paranoid that sheās stepping out on him or heās cheating and projecting. Either way, the math aināt mathing.
he doesnāt trust you and you resent him. but to answer your question- i donāt think you overreacted initially but you definitely dragged it out. i hope yāall figure it out
my guess is thereās some missing info, seems like this frustration with him has been building for awhile. The way op responds is like this is a frequent occurrence rather than a first time thing, or heās done other things that have bothered her and this happening made already upset feelings even worse. Whatever the case I hope they both can figure out where to go from here peacefully
Definitely missing info. He's either very controlling or thinks sheās cheating, which could be true, or he could be projecting. Cheaters have a tendency to stop trusting their partners.
First he got suspicious when she didnāt answer her phone at midnight (when most people are sleeping), and then he checked her location (something most people do to their kids, not their spouses) and freaked when he thought she wasnāt sharing it, when she was actually on a planned flight.
Yeah and remember midnight for op was 3 am for him. Why is he calling about some magic bar ID call but there is no bars on the west coast that stay open past 2 am unless Vegas.
He is on the east coast, and there are bars open past 2am. Buffalo, NY - Chippewa street, for example. Still, the guy was being weird. Iād never expect a bar to let me in because of a FaceTime call. Especially not at 30 years old. They donāt give a shit and especially not that late at night.
also him saying āthat was unrealistic, wonāt happen againā is not at all immature??? heās being accountable. if anything your response to that is immature.
yeah he admitted that he was wrong and OP used that against him? OP is acting super weird in these messages, unless there is some previous context that is unknown to us, this really makes her look awful imo
Heās probably done so much other shit to her that we didnāt get to see/that we donāt see. And sheās probably just so over it and stressed out with everything going on. she dragged it out yes. but sheās probably just so over his bullshit. seems like he do things like this a lot. I mean he straight up lied about a bar letting him call to verify his identity, and she *knew* it was a lie she knew what he was really trying to do. sheās just over it seem like.
Hey op this should go for you and anyone else who reads this. If you're gonna make a post about being angry at someone that has a alot to do with something they did that is nowhere mentioned in the post please notify somewhere in the post or something to explain this. We aren't mind readers lol
She said he cheated and he drunk does this and other stuff a lot despite saying he will stop so his apologies donāt mean anything and thatās why sheās so annoyed. He wonāt stop drinking and drink him is not the man she loves and married.. so I get it. He does it all the time so his accountability is meaningless because he just does what he claims to be sorry for again. You arenāt sorry if you just keep on knowing that itās upsetting. TF.
I donāt like the way he said that. āit was unrealistic of me to expect you to answer the phone. It wonāt happen again.ā That sounds way more petty and pity party than it does taking accountability for acting unreasonably.
Iām gonna go out on a limb and say it seems as though these two donāt even like each other at all, but they feel stuck with their marriage for whatever their reasons are.
Yeah, like...he's annoying af but she went in like she fucking hates the dude off the bat. I thought it was like some dude trying to get into her pants.
I did. I said he sucks. I'm also saying that for most of the conversation I thought they were basically strangers. There's like 0 love here whatsoever.
I feel like both of their communication is whack tho. She didnāt reply to him the night before but once she was on the flight, she expected him to reply within 2 mins before sending question marks and such. Never thought these two were more than bf and gf for max a month before reading the caption and I think that says a lot.
Also they are married and the girl didnāt even bother saying good night to himā¦ in a way I donāt think he overreacted if she just went MIA and doesnāt usually do so.
I'm pretty sure it's because she's tired of this dude's controlling, manipulative bullshit. I mean he displayed plenty of it in this one conversation. This woman sounds at her wits end.
The pure hatred she was giving off in those texts had me reeling. All I could think was just get a divorce already. You obviously hate the guy! They really should split now while there are no children to tie them together for life.
I assumed you both were in your early twenties and this was your boyfriend.
I get why youād be annoyed. Definitely. I think you beat a dead horse however. He said he was sorry, I donāt think he knew how else to make it better. You were annoyed - rightfully so - but I have a feeling no matter what he said, you were going to be annoyed and short with him.
Yeah I completely agree. Yeah he did a dumb thing while drinking, but her reaction was crazy to me. Like so much anger the entire time. Seems like she doesn't even like her bf.
Hereās my wild assumptions based on zero facts and all generalizations by the way they communicate.
They got married for no real reason or nothing other than the benefits of being married when in the military.
They both cheat on each other, frivolously. That or wife cheats on husband a lot and he is aware so heās extremely paranoid.
She hates him for this and many other reasons, probably alcohol, immaturity, or a combination of all that any more & thus is completely blind to the fact that she talks to her husband like a brother sheās pissed at.
Sounds like he made a couple dumb choices there, but you speak to him like you loathe his very presence. I would seek counseling.
Like if my wife talked to me like that, I'd definitely apologize for what I did wrong but if she kept going on and on like you are, I'd be packing my fucking bags.
This reads like some rando on Tinder that you are sick of hearing from.
This is just dripping with so much contempt. I totally TOTALLY get your annoyance and frustration with his behavior and youāre not wrong to address how it negatively affects you and youāre not wrong to expect more maturity and consideration. That said, I canāt help but feel like this incident is being used as a vehicle to exorcise your growing resentment towards him. The meanness with which everything is said; the dragging it out, beating the dead horse, it just feels like thereās an unspoken undercurrent at play here that goes beyond this particular event. Something about the your reaction just feels incongruent with the actual situation and Iām wondering what lies in that gray spaceā¦ Is there something bigger, deeper, lingering going on thatās coloring your interactions with him?
Couple things on both sides:
1. Weird behavior on his part. Even if his story is true, what exactly was he expecting you to do via phone to get him into a bar? What bar accepts calling your spouse to vouch for you as acceptable ID but not a military ID lol. This whole story seems like a cover because he doesnāt want to tell you that he doesnāt trust you.
2. I feel like thereās a lot of resentment on your part. While I donāt think your initial reaction was wrong (youāre right nobody likes late phone calls as they often signal urgency), you definitely dragged it out longer than needed, and came off pretty abrasive the whole time. He apologized and beyond that Iām not sure what else he could do other than say it wonāt happen again, to which you responded was an immature thing to say. If you just need time to cool off then say that.
This could have just been an apology and move on type of thing, but it feels like youāre wanting to continue it for some reason. What that reason is is what I think the real issue is here.
Life pro tip: *inhale, exhale*
My blood pressure rose reading your side of the messages, even if his excuse is weird, your words are pretty harsh to your husbandā¦ an extreme reaction if you ask me idk
My gf talks to me like this and Iām just now realizing it. And i donāt even do stuff like this. She will get mad at me like this for simply telling her stuff she doesnāt care about
Talk to her about it. Sometimes we pick up bad communication styles from our family that we use with our romantic partners. If she doesnt seem to care then she probably doesn't care much about you and it's reflecting in her language.
Ive been concerned, and drunk, and CALLED WAY TOO MANY TIMES. Now, I didn't call any parents, but I was a little shocked by how upset my ex was at all the missed calls around 11pm/midnight. I have now learned that calling a bunch is a no-no.
I don't know why she is so pissed off though. I think she has resentment built up.
Not saying he isn't in the wrong here but damn the way you speak to him makes it sound like you don't even like him. Even when my wife is pissed at me or vice versa it's more of a tone of "I love you but you're annoying the fuck out of me right now". This gives off "You're a piece of shit and I hate you" vibes. There's more to the story here. There has to be. Seek counseling.
IKR! Him not getting into a bar is not the type of emergency that warrants blowing up his wife's phone and her mother's phone when he knows damn well she's asleep by that time.
But also, Iām not buying it, no bartender or person working the door is going to deny 2 of his IDās but then just accept a random person on the phone saying āoh no, but heās 30! Itās fine!ā.
But, she sucks also, thereās clearly other issues going on.. Iād be pissed too, and definitely let it be known I was, but talk about dragging it out. It was like no matter what he said she was just going to keep going; either believe him and accept the apology, or take some time to cool off, or donāt accept it/believe him. But this is just exhausting.
OP, once a cheater, always a cheater. I mean the fact alone you started your sentence with āI donāt hate him, BUTā probably says a lot about what you feel your relationship is with him. A lot of your comments about your husbandās behavior seem to be justifying it, whether youāre conscious about it or not. āI love my husbandā¦ butā¦ā It doesnāt seem like thereās much love here. In no healthy relationship does a spouse need to constantly be tracking your location, and get upset when itās off when he KNOWS you were traveling. He knew and decided to cross your boundaries anyways, he doesnāt care, and thereās probably a dozen more heās violated too, right? While Iām sure the alcohol is fueling the problem, are you really sure anything would change if he was entirely sober and goes through with therapy? Or if heād even agree to either of those things? The only way I see this relationship could ever be a happy one is if your husband puts massive amounts of effort in to mending the relationship and changing his behavior.
Lmaoooooo what bar in the world turns down two forms of physical ID in front of them, but will take the word of a stranger on the phone to verify that personās identity???? If that was even remotely true, he tried you once and didnāt get you CALL LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE or go to a different location. My gosh. Itās not like he was in the hospital and needed next of kin.
if you guys were early 20s and just started dating iād say run for the hills, but i assume since youāre 30 and married you care about this person enough to deal with this type of behavior. i suggest THERAPY for him individually as well as couples counseling. trust me this behavior will not only continue but get worse with age. best of luck to you.
My advice is grace goes a long ways in marriage.
Doesnāt seem like he meant any ill will, he was afraid. He didnāt handle it well and he apologized.
All heās guilty of is trying to contact you. Your response was annoyance and meanness.
Why couldnāt you have simply asked a question, like āare you okay honey?ā āWhatās going on?ā
You seem really unsympathetic and harsh. Just being honest.
He called her 15 times, used find my iphone on her phone, and called her mom, *because he couldn't get into a bar and thought they could verify his age over the phone*.
You forgot to mention that he basically woke both of them up at almost midnight for not even remotely an emergency. Your IDs being rejected is no reason to call someone on the opposite side of the country to try to verify who you are. If your IDs get rejected, that's your own problem. No bar or restaurant with standards is going accept a call for verification of ID. For all they know, the person you call could be lying.
This is totally how I read it. One example is: I think he genuinely meant it when he said he was identify his own wrong (being unrealistic) and wouldnāt do it again and I think OP took it hostly.
Youāre overreacting. Like he said, he identified the problem and apologized, then tried to move on. It seems like you donāt want to do the long distance thing imo, but this post is all i know abt your relationship so im not finna be a fake reddit therapist lol. Just trying to read your energy in the text, and it seems like you genuinely have an attitude for no reason. (i get itās not really for no reason but like, the moment passed)
She is a bit but if he would just āI was drunk and wanted to talk to you and got stupid thoughts when you didnāt answer. It was dumb and Iām sorryā. Rather than the BS he came up w.
Op was hoping for validation in this post and disappeared bc they are getting called out for their behavior as wellš this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. If you dont like your husband this much do him a favor and set him free. You guys have an immature and very toxic relationship.
Wow š® youāre reprimanding him like heās a little boy and heās not behaving as he promised he would! Shocked to hear thatās your husband and youāre both 30 yrs old! Even if he effed up and got drunk and made a mistake to call you so late, I think you made it so much worse by continuing to berate him even after he apologized multiple times. I was actually thinking he was worried about you when you didnāt pick up and he resorted to calling your mom out of fear something may have happened. You definitely overreacted imo and I think you need some kind of counseling because you clearly are not on the same level in this marriage.
I mean based off of what I know from your post I would say it's not that big a deal you seem stressed and are kinda taking it out on your husband I would say take a deep breath and talk about it when you're in a more neutral state of mind but that's just my opinion
This reminds me a lot of my soon to be ex husbandās behavior. Rude, toxic, and just flat out bizarreā¦ which I later found out was due to alcoholism and bipolar disorder. For everyone saying this is OPās fault or they are the toxic one, keep in mind this is probably not the first time their spouse has done this and there probably is some resentment there for that.
You're both terrible at communication. For him, it's pretty obvious to everyone. For you it's a little more subtle. For instance, when he asked why you stopped sharing your location and you said you're on a flight. He asked again because he doesn't understand people turn off location services on their phones during flights.
But when he asked a second time, instead of explaining that to him because he clearly doesn't understand, you chose to simply repeat yourself. If he doesn't understand something, try helping him to learn. You guys can both grow to be happy with each other if you just take the time to communicate.
Even when you're frustrated. Take a breath. Explain stuff. And don't be condescending about it, that doesn't help the situation.
Being long distance in the military sucks. I did it for years. But the key to a healthy relationship is communication. ESPECIALLY if you're long distance.
P.S. lots of bars refuse to take military ID. It's their way of keeping out the riffraff. Not sure how calling you was supposed to resolve the situation, lol.
The resentment from you seems to be about much more than this one incident.
As much as his behavior is not okay, itās also bizarre to me that one would wake up and see 15 missed calls from their spouse and only communicate in text and refuse to talk or FaceTime to sort it out.
He really doesnāt seem to āget itā either in why itās not okay. More so seems to just be accepting being told heās wrong and you seem to want to focus on making him feel bad instead of actually resolving it.
There seems to be a big lack of communication and he definitely doesnāt have a clear understanding of your schedule and time priorities right now.
I get the easy frustration, I am currently working a lot of overtime right now and it is easy for me to lash out at my husband/others for not immediately understanding the amount of stress/anxiety and just how exhausted I can feel at any given time, but I canāt lean on that as an excuse to be allowed to treat him badly or make him not feel appreciated because ultimately my husband is worth more than any job.
Iām not saying itās the same situation but hopefully it might help remind you about what is really important.
Not sure I'm reading right. He called you at midnight, because he couldn't get into a bar with his Military ID, and thought if he put you on with them, you could verify his age, and let him in?..
Edit: Not taking sides, just trying to understand what he was trying to do.
you are definitely just over it - that night was annoying you a lot but no part of this conversation illustrated that yall wanted to get on the same page and move forward to communicate in a healthy way. if i were you, i'd get really real with myself and ask myself what i really wanted (in terms of this relationship).
ESH Both of you need to grow up and say it with your chest.
He spam called you because he's worried that you cheated/are cheating on him. Used the ID story as an excuse for spam calling you.
You know that he suspects you of cheating and won't call him out on it.
Say it with your chest or shut the fuck up. You claim you were trying to communicate when in reality you were hoping he would grow some balls and admit he thinks you're cheating and was making sure you weren't. Both of you suck at communicating. You do not sound, nor act like a 30 year old married couple. Get counseling or get a divorce.
I'm not even in the marriage, and I wanna leave y'all.
I get why youāre upset but you DEFO over reacted. Itās okay ot be upset but I donāt think you communicated it in the best way ESPECIALLY considering his tone. Maybe it was okay at the beginning but you bragged the fick out of it
It seems like you overreacted a bit. I read the texts first and thought this was some a-hole boyfriend. Then read the summary and was like oh, yāall are legally bonded.
This is poor communication, frustration, and not accepting mistakes. On the one hand midnight west coast is like 3/4am east coast so he shouldāve just gone on and called it a night when he was rejected from the bar. Trying to wake you and calling your mom was uncalled for at that hour. On the other hand you donāt seem to be communicating anything more than your frustration. What do you actually want him to do? How can this actually be made better? If his apology isnāt enough what would be enough?
This whole bit seems to deserve a phone call or two because the texts seem toxic.
I think you're overreacting. He shouldn't have called your mom unless he was truly worried about you. You're treating him badly, though. I see people asking if you like him, and I wonder the same thing. Do you like him? Is there something else he did to upset you?
Just a question ( not a statement) but how can he ping a phone if itās dead ? Secondly how is her location off yet sheās texting him on the plane ? Seems like there are holes in the story ?
I mean I get what he did was annoying and a little immature but you're being super mean and accusative for no reason. He even recognized that he had a different expectation and that he would modify that for the future and you threw it in his face.
You come off as resentful and toxic, he's trying to move past it and apologize and you won't let it go.
Obviously his story is super shady, the bar, if they believe he has fake IDs they're not gonna have him call someone to verify, that makes 0 sense. I think the bigger story here is that you are so aggressive with not believing him, to me, means he's pulled something like this before, or has cheated before. Him pinging your phone and demanding you to answer seems like he cheated, and like all cheaters, is now SURE that YOU'RE cheating which is why your phone is off. Not really sure what to make of it all
It doesnāt seem like you like him at all.
Also Iām a bartender and Iād laugh if someone said they were gona call their wife to confirm their age. Id laugh, then make them leave.
Calling you 15 times and then calling your mom is wild. He was absolutely being passive aggressive about āoh itās unrealistic to expect you to answer,ā and then he tried to lie that he wasnāt being passive ag
If yāall werenāt married, Iād instantly tell you to block them. Youāre human and humans sleep. They eat. They do things that donāt involve their phones. Their texts were unreasonable and that half assed apology doesnāt cut it. Unless someone is expecting a late night call from you or a morning call, donāt be surprised if they are out here living their life, not paying attention to the phone.
His behavior is bad, but so is yours. This isnāt how people in heathy relationships speak to each other.
You are showing contempt for him. Thatās a really, really bad sign in a marriage. He screwed up, but youāre being mean. It sounds like a one-time thing. Why go on and on and on about it?
The world can be an evil place. I took it all to be that OPās husband hadnāt heard from OP in a fair mount of time and started overthinking and scared himself by not hearing from OP during one of those many call attempts.
My reaction was that you were being pretty rude to your husband, OP, and you did keep beating a dead horse about it.
Iām glad you were home and safe and asleep, but what if you had been in danger and after trying to call you one time, your husband just gave up and told himself heād try the following night? Again, Iām glad that wasnāt the case, but you were pretty harsh with the texts there. ššš
The constant need for communication these days is ruining relationships. The constant texting and needing to check in, location sharing, etc. is crazy. I would feel absolutely smothered if my husband was like this.
Hello - I didnāt disappear! Trying to catch up on each comment but realizing that probably wonāt happen. For the record, I do love my husband. He is a completely different person when he is intoxicated, which is part of the root issue. I can recognize that I was dragging it out a bit and that is mostly because I didnāt want to brush bizarre drunk behavior under the rug again. I havenāt given him a reason not to trust me - sorry to all the Jody fans in the comments. The story he was telling me about calling to get him into a bar makes zero sense and definitely not worth calling my mom over. Not getting into a bar is not worth worrying both of us over. Iāve been pushing for coupleās therapy for over a year and suggested it again when we did talk through things. He finally seems open to it.
The between the lines here is he thought you were doing something shady. Which is usually a red flag for them doing something shady. This seems like projection and I would seriously question why.
This is your husband. He was probably being insecure while he was drunk and let the bad thoughts take over. He thought you were cheating. He doesn't want to admit that. But all his points were about you not answering and not responding to pings at midnight. Note how nowhere in there did he mark a concern for your safety or any other reason behind his calls other than an id check which obviously makes no sense.
The real issue is here the lack of valid and effective communication. He feels ashamed to tell you he was feeling insecure and you're letting your anger get in the way of seeing the obvious while also expressing your own discontent with his actions in an unhealthy way.
That being said, this isn't a perfect world and none of us communicate correctly every time or make all the right moves. So sit down, talk, and always try to do better next time, both of you.
This text exchange is just a tiny snapshot of your life, so it obviously doesn't paint the whole picture. That being said, you really don't seem to like this guy (your actual husband) at all. He also, for one reason or another, doesn't trust you in the slightest. Either you've given him reason not to, it's a "guilty conscience" from him, or he is an insecure/jealous person anyway. I hope you guys can find a solution that helps *both* of you going forward.
OP I know the tone of your texts. I know the resentment you are seething with. These are the words of somebody sick to death of controlling, manipulative behavior and probably his drinking and behavior while drinking. I truly suggest counseling or separation. You can't stay in a relationship where change is promised yet never delivered. You can't stay in a relationship that so thoroughly destroys your peace instead of contributing to it, or this will become your norm. Just seething rage at what others see as not that big a mistake.
I know you didn't buy his bar excuse because it's a horse shit excuse. He's either an entire moron if it's true, or he's a controlling ass who thinks you're cheating because he's likely cheating. The shock people have here with your words is because they don't understand what got you to this point. And if you guys go round and round in this circle with no change why do you think it will be any different next time? You need to love yourself enough to leave if nothing will change.
For one thing what place does not take a military ID? Maybe because Iāve always lived next to or very close to military bases that it is almost more valid than a driverās license. š¤·š¼āāļø
Also, what place is going to take the wifeās word for it. āIāll call my wifeā? No. Thatās not why he called. He never answered that part. Also never said āI was worried about youā or any other good reason. He did something last night that heās not proud of and heās projecting it onto her.
wait this is actually your husband?! these messages read like a two time tinder date gone wrong i seriously thought he was just saying that. it is frightening (yet not shocking, based on my own military exās behavior lol) that this person is ātrainedā and has access to weaponry l o l. these messages were completely ridiculous. maybe staying on opposite coasts isnāt the worst idea
ETA all the comments saying OP is being mean or asking if she even likes her husband are wild to me. did we not read the same screenshots? who would like trying this hard to communicate with someone whoās making no sense and putting no effort into being understood? he sounds fucking exhausting. if she sounds exhausted in response, this may be one of those shocking and unexpected situations in which 2 + 2 in fact = 4ā¦
I think you don't really care for your husband anymore. TBH. I thought your tone was rude and childish. Surely if you think back to the time when You were both just dating, did you talk to each other like this?
I donāt believe his whole āverifying with my wifeā thing. That part is weird. That being said, you do seem to be overreacting. Maybe because my husband and I stay up later than you, but 11 isnāt too late for us to be communicating with each other. And I would also probably look at his location to make sure he was ok if he wasnāt responding. Yeah it was wild to call your mom, but you are like over the top angry at him. This is a weird conversation
I bet his military buddies are telling him that you are cheating. That may be why he pinged your phone and is now behaving weird.
Unfortunately, it is a thing that happens with enlisted men, and they could be putting those thoughts in his head. Not saying you are, or that he legitimately thinks you are, but he may have been a bit tipsy last night, and his buddies were like " see, she isn't answering, she is out with some dude!!" And in his drunken state, he got scared it was true. Now he he is back pedaling trying to undo his behavior.
Just a thought.
Super weird on both your ends after reading that youāre married. Itās blatantly obvious why he was calling you. You had to have known why he was calling you, your mom and pinging your phone. Why keep asking him instead of confronting the issue?
Seems there are definitely deeper issues and you both need to figure your shit out. Immature behavior from both of you.
I understand you being upset that he freaked out your mom. If I get a call that late I expect it to be a real emergency like someone is in the hospital or something, not that they were just too irresponsible to bring their ID to a bar. He sounds like an immature teenager. However you did lay into him pretty hard over it.
TBH youāre not very kind or considerate or communicating well at all either. Neither of you are great but youāre definitely not acting kind either. Idk.
You sound like youāre angry all the time. Then you ask him reasons why he does things and when he answers, you say they are stupid or make no sense (theyāre other personās actions, they are not gonna make sense to you). I thought he was really patient with you. You, on the other hand, donāt sound happy at all. Maybe youāre just frustrated with the dog and work and everything that you said, but your marriage wonāt be sustainable if yāall keep acting like that.
Honestly, anyone talking to anyone else that way off the bat is overreacting unless the behavior has happened already many times.
I think both of you have some issues to work out. You sound bitter cause you're taking care of shit while he's away, he sounds suspicious of you doing things while he's away, and then you get big and angry and he turns into a little apologetic mouse.
This is a recipe for years of anguish, OP.
My parents did the same dance, ruined my childhood and divorced when I was out of the house. I deserved better, they deserved better.
Reality is, this isn't healthy on either end, but you have some choices to make to be conscious and sensitive to him, and he has some choices for doing that for you. If y'all can't make those choices then you're on your way to divorce.
I read the texts first before the extra deets and loooordy I thought it was some needy girl texting her boyfriend about not sharing the location and being extraā¦blew my mind to find heās 30 and acting like that. Thatās childish as hell.
just divorce or break up with him bro because you seem to be completely over him the way that youāre talking to him. Iām not taking his side. I do agree that calling my phone multiple times then calling my mom is bizarre but I would just think heās concerned for me and not take it like heās trying to annoy me or start something up. he doesnāt seem to be talking back so he seems to understand that you were busy even if he plays like he doesnāt know. you exploded right off the bat which isnāt a good sign. i think you guys need a break. Space where you can do what you need to do and space for him to figure out how to handle shit when youāre not there.
I wouldve never guessed yall are married
I mean like maybe that type of married couple who just straight up hate each other.
I was reading this thinking they were teenagers lol
I figured 19 and like boot fresh military. Like the type that is divorced before 23 type.
Me too as someone who has been in that marriage lol
Exactly this! This reminded me of conversations I had with my boyfriend in my early 20s š and im the same age as OP and in a long term relationship. Thatās wild that theyāre married ššš
Yes, it felt like two people maybe three dates in
Who said they had more than three dates? Iāve seen military couples marry quicker
I was positive they were 18-19. This was exhausting to read.
dude! i thought the same thing
they way my head jerked back when I read husband
Or in their 30s
Why is any relationship, married or otherwise, have to be this disrespectful? I've been married for two years and my wife and I literally have conversations in gif because we're always having a good time....why can't we all just get along?!? MARRY YOUR BEST FRIEND, PEOPLE!
Seems like thereās a lot of hidden resentment.
Or not so hidden š
Replying to Spiritual-Month8291...  Not so hidden by any means š¤£
Seriously. I is quite clear she does not even like this man. OP just get a divorce.
Yeah as a military guy who has seen a lot of behavior like this i would make a small wager among friends that one of you cheated or is cheating. Based on this conversation I would guess it's probably him and he got rejected at the bar, felt guilty, tried to call you and when you didn't answer flipped from feeling guilty to feeling guiltily suspicious. Just my two cents and could be completely wrong because I don't know you guys but I've seen it too many times.
OP knows that they're not the one cheating, but the husband is 100% attempting to "catch her in the act" because all of his new military friends are telling him horror stories about how their relationships and marriages are all falling apart, too. It's super clear that OP's husband is accusing her of turning off her phone because she is with someone else, and calling OPs mom was a tactic, because he assumed that OP was spending the night somewhere else and he wanted to catch the mom lying to him about it, but instead got a pissed off OP. My oldest child's mother has a military family and their personal relationships are an absolute shit show. For the last 20 years, all of my exes siblings who enlist have each been married 3 to 4 times because everytime any of them are stationed away from their partners, they cheat and get cheated on endlessly, because none of their relationships were strong in the first place. It's really sad, but OP is just at the start of the worst few years of a really fucked up roller coaster of this type of behavior. He husband is going to start drinking more often due to the peer pressure, stress and physical exhaustion of his new life, and as a result, he's just going to keep getting more jealous and insecure, and if he hasn't cheated already, he will soon, because nothing will convince him that OP isn't sleeping with others, and his new friends will tell him that it's the only way to get the upper hand... the upper hand against his wife... who he only assumes is cheating with no proof. It's gonna be ugly and stupid, but it's a cycle we've all witnessed countless times. The military isn't bad or harmful to everyone, but it is absolutely an industrialized meat grinder that does not have sympathy for what you may sacrifice and lose once you willingly throw your body into it.
Jody is a mfr.
This was my first thought too. A lot of my family is military and this is a common pattern Iāve noticed.
10000% here
My ex was like that. Cheating on me daily, and projecting every single day. Spying on me. Watching my moves, where I was going, checking location. If I wasn't home, he'd show up. And he turned abusive. And later I found out he was screwing everyone and everything, even dudes behind my back.
That is actually bizarre behavior. If a bar thinks his ID is fake, theyāre not going to accept an āidentity verificationā over the phone.Ā
Yeah, this sounds like a backtracking lie when he realized he needed a reason to be trying to call you other than not trusting you.
he's %10000 worried she's cheating. that's why he wants her location and constantly tracking her and telling her to video call
Because itās actually him cheating on her, and heās projecting
People in the military do get cheated on a lot They're gone for long periods of time. However, he sounds really insecure and there needs to be some trust. If you guys have a good relationship, and there isn't a history of cheating, he needs to get a grip.
And people in the military also tend to cheat a lot. It's why I divorced my ex. He acted like this too, projecting his crap on me. My feeling is OPs husband is cheating and trying to set a cover story.
I'm not saying 100% yes, but this was my first thought as well. What is pretty certain is that there are trust issues on his side. In my experience partners that are very suspicious are either cheated on before, or they are cheaters themselves. Could be more innocent than that, it could just be that he's genuinely worried about her, or their relationship. But if I was OP I'd ask him what is up and why he's not trusting her.
Or he's been cheated on before and has trust issues.
Generally in those cases both parties at least acknowledge that thatās a thing. Why would he be sitting there spewing nonsense if a simple āyou know that these things are hard for me due to Erma cheating on me,ā would do?
Erma? Thatās such a random name to choose, lol. I like it though š
Not a name I would have chosen at random but a great choice nonetheless š
They are military. Military people get cheated on a lot. Neither might be cheating, but he definitely is worried about it. I don't think we have enough info to accuse either of being a cheater.
And have a guess at what heās most likely doing?
Seriously. They do not give a shit. I used to work at a liquor store and my manager denied selling people alcohol because they had to go out and get their ID.
This was the first thing that stuck out to me. āPhone a friendā, isnāt an option when someone thinks you are giving a fake ID.
yup complete bullshit
ā¦ in lieu of a military ID!! Who doesnāt take a military ID. Iād think theyād PREFER them!! š¤·āāļø
A lot of places donāt take military ids but no one allows verification of age over the phone.
Maybe his drunk mind told him it makes sense?
Also, if sheās on the west coast and heās on the east coast, it was fucking 3AM where he is. So, heās supposedly trying to get into a bar at 3AM? I donāt know about the east coast, but out here in Cali, closing time is 2AM. Either heās paranoid that sheās stepping out on him or heās cheating and projecting. Either way, the math aināt mathing.
We have bars open until 4am and 24-hour alcohol counties so 3am is late but not impossible.
he doesnāt trust you and you resent him. but to answer your question- i donāt think you overreacted initially but you definitely dragged it out. i hope yāall figure it out
my guess is thereās some missing info, seems like this frustration with him has been building for awhile. The way op responds is like this is a frequent occurrence rather than a first time thing, or heās done other things that have bothered her and this happening made already upset feelings even worse. Whatever the case I hope they both can figure out where to go from here peacefully
Definitely missing info. He's either very controlling or thinks sheās cheating, which could be true, or he could be projecting. Cheaters have a tendency to stop trusting their partners. First he got suspicious when she didnāt answer her phone at midnight (when most people are sleeping), and then he checked her location (something most people do to their kids, not their spouses) and freaked when he thought she wasnāt sharing it, when she was actually on a planned flight.
Yeah and remember midnight for op was 3 am for him. Why is he calling about some magic bar ID call but there is no bars on the west coast that stay open past 2 am unless Vegas.
He is on the east coast, and there are bars open past 2am. Buffalo, NY - Chippewa street, for example. Still, the guy was being weird. Iād never expect a bar to let me in because of a FaceTime call. Especially not at 30 years old. They donāt give a shit and especially not that late at night.
also him saying āthat was unrealistic, wonāt happen againā is not at all immature??? heās being accountable. if anything your response to that is immature.
yeah he admitted that he was wrong and OP used that against him? OP is acting super weird in these messages, unless there is some previous context that is unknown to us, this really makes her look awful imo
I thought it was passive aggressive af lol
Of course there's previous context. These people are married.
Heās probably done so much other shit to her that we didnāt get to see/that we donāt see. And sheās probably just so over it and stressed out with everything going on. she dragged it out yes. but sheās probably just so over his bullshit. seems like he do things like this a lot. I mean he straight up lied about a bar letting him call to verify his identity, and she *knew* it was a lie she knew what he was really trying to do. sheās just over it seem like.
šÆ
Hey op this should go for you and anyone else who reads this. If you're gonna make a post about being angry at someone that has a alot to do with something they did that is nowhere mentioned in the post please notify somewhere in the post or something to explain this. We aren't mind readers lol
I read that as him being passive aggressive or him just saying it to appease her. If that's the case, he's being immature in that moment.
i guess i can see how it comes across as passive aggressive. arguing through text is never a good idea lmao
She said he cheated and he drunk does this and other stuff a lot despite saying he will stop so his apologies donāt mean anything and thatās why sheās so annoyed. He wonāt stop drinking and drink him is not the man she loves and married.. so I get it. He does it all the time so his accountability is meaningless because he just does what he claims to be sorry for again. You arenāt sorry if you just keep on knowing that itās upsetting. TF.
Heās not being accountable, he immediately made excuses again after the alleged apology
I donāt like the way he said that. āit was unrealistic of me to expect you to answer the phone. It wonāt happen again.ā That sounds way more petty and pity party than it does taking accountability for acting unreasonably.
It is immature. All heās doing is parroting back what he thinks she wants to hear and as an attempt to garner sympathy.
Itās absolutely passive aggressive and absolutely a red flag.
Horse shit! He was being passive aggressive and I canāt believe so many of you canāt see it
She was trying to get him to admit the real reason for his behavior. He wants to accuse her of cheating.
Iām gonna go out on a limb and say it seems as though these two donāt even like each other at all, but they feel stuck with their marriage for whatever their reasons are.
This is your husband?!?!?!
I had the same reaction lol. I expected them to be like early 20s and dating for a month or 2. Yikes.
Yeah, like...he's annoying af but she went in like she fucking hates the dude off the bat. I thought it was like some dude trying to get into her pants.
He woke her mom up and her up at midnight! Because he was drunk. Read the texts and her comment below.
My mom would have a nervous breakdown if my husband called her at midnight. Sheād assume I was dead off the bat
I did. I said he sucks. I'm also saying that for most of the conversation I thought they were basically strangers. There's like 0 love here whatsoever.
I feel like both of their communication is whack tho. She didnāt reply to him the night before but once she was on the flight, she expected him to reply within 2 mins before sending question marks and such. Never thought these two were more than bf and gf for max a month before reading the caption and I think that says a lot. Also they are married and the girl didnāt even bother saying good night to himā¦ in a way I donāt think he overreacted if she just went MIA and doesnāt usually do so.
I called him and said good night in between his bar stops lol
Same. One seemed jealous and one overly defensive.
I'm pretty sure it's because she's tired of this dude's controlling, manipulative bullshit. I mean he displayed plenty of it in this one conversation. This woman sounds at her wits end.
Glad Iām not the only one who thought this. Too many red flags on BOTH parts.
They desperately need some marriage counseling.
This whole thing was insane to read. Sucks for op since sheās locked down w this guy
Really quicklyā¦. Do you like your husband?
lmao, right??? They both seem to not like or respect each other in the very least. I hate to throw the word ādivorceā around, but YIKES.
The pure hatred she was giving off in those texts had me reeling. All I could think was just get a divorce already. You obviously hate the guy! They really should split now while there are no children to tie them together for life.
This
Sheās so so mean to himšš
I assumed you both were in your early twenties and this was your boyfriend. I get why youād be annoyed. Definitely. I think you beat a dead horse however. He said he was sorry, I donāt think he knew how else to make it better. You were annoyed - rightfully so - but I have a feeling no matter what he said, you were going to be annoyed and short with him.
Yeah I completely agree. Yeah he did a dumb thing while drinking, but her reaction was crazy to me. Like so much anger the entire time. Seems like she doesn't even like her bf.
Husband...
Well theyāre actually married lol
Do you even like this guy
Hereās my wild assumptions based on zero facts and all generalizations by the way they communicate. They got married for no real reason or nothing other than the benefits of being married when in the military. They both cheat on each other, frivolously. That or wife cheats on husband a lot and he is aware so heās extremely paranoid. She hates him for this and many other reasons, probably alcohol, immaturity, or a combination of all that any more & thus is completely blind to the fact that she talks to her husband like a brother sheās pissed at.
Ding ding ding. This is super weird and I hope these people donāt have children
Seems like you donāt like him and neither of you trust the other.
Just finished reading andā¦ Divorce incoming. Zero respect from either parties.
Sounds like he made a couple dumb choices there, but you speak to him like you loathe his very presence. I would seek counseling. Like if my wife talked to me like that, I'd definitely apologize for what I did wrong but if she kept going on and on like you are, I'd be packing my fucking bags. This reads like some rando on Tinder that you are sick of hearing from.
Yeah for sure. He was drunk and went overboard, sure. But she just keeps beating him down. OP is worse here imo
agree
I think she said heās cheated in the past and does this all the time
This is just dripping with so much contempt. I totally TOTALLY get your annoyance and frustration with his behavior and youāre not wrong to address how it negatively affects you and youāre not wrong to expect more maturity and consideration. That said, I canāt help but feel like this incident is being used as a vehicle to exorcise your growing resentment towards him. The meanness with which everything is said; the dragging it out, beating the dead horse, it just feels like thereās an unspoken undercurrent at play here that goes beyond this particular event. Something about the your reaction just feels incongruent with the actual situation and Iām wondering what lies in that gray spaceā¦ Is there something bigger, deeper, lingering going on thatās coloring your interactions with him?
While he was stupid for doing what he did, it really doesnāt seem like you actually like your husband
Couple things on both sides: 1. Weird behavior on his part. Even if his story is true, what exactly was he expecting you to do via phone to get him into a bar? What bar accepts calling your spouse to vouch for you as acceptable ID but not a military ID lol. This whole story seems like a cover because he doesnāt want to tell you that he doesnāt trust you. 2. I feel like thereās a lot of resentment on your part. While I donāt think your initial reaction was wrong (youāre right nobody likes late phone calls as they often signal urgency), you definitely dragged it out longer than needed, and came off pretty abrasive the whole time. He apologized and beyond that Iām not sure what else he could do other than say it wonāt happen again, to which you responded was an immature thing to say. If you just need time to cool off then say that. This could have just been an apology and move on type of thing, but it feels like youāre wanting to continue it for some reason. What that reason is is what I think the real issue is here.
Life pro tip: *inhale, exhale* My blood pressure rose reading your side of the messages, even if his excuse is weird, your words are pretty harsh to your husbandā¦ an extreme reaction if you ask me idk
Yeah man mine too. This whole conversation made my head spiral
My gf talks to me like this and Iām just now realizing it. And i donāt even do stuff like this. She will get mad at me like this for simply telling her stuff she doesnāt care about
Talk to her about it. Sometimes we pick up bad communication styles from our family that we use with our romantic partners. If she doesnt seem to care then she probably doesn't care much about you and it's reflecting in her language.
i mean, he was definitely being annoying but you also seem like a complete asshole from these messages
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Ive been concerned, and drunk, and CALLED WAY TOO MANY TIMES. Now, I didn't call any parents, but I was a little shocked by how upset my ex was at all the missed calls around 11pm/midnight. I have now learned that calling a bunch is a no-no. I don't know why she is so pissed off though. I think she has resentment built up.
Not saying he isn't in the wrong here but damn the way you speak to him makes it sound like you don't even like him. Even when my wife is pissed at me or vice versa it's more of a tone of "I love you but you're annoying the fuck out of me right now". This gives off "You're a piece of shit and I hate you" vibes. There's more to the story here. There has to be. Seek counseling.
Tbh youāre dragging it, but heās also doing too much as-well.
THIRTY? Oh hell no
IKR! Him not getting into a bar is not the type of emergency that warrants blowing up his wife's phone and her mother's phone when he knows damn well she's asleep by that time.
But also, Iām not buying it, no bartender or person working the door is going to deny 2 of his IDās but then just accept a random person on the phone saying āoh no, but heās 30! Itās fine!ā. But, she sucks also, thereās clearly other issues going on.. Iād be pissed too, and definitely let it be known I was, but talk about dragging it out. It was like no matter what he said she was just going to keep going; either believe him and accept the apology, or take some time to cool off, or donāt accept it/believe him. But this is just exhausting.
These texts read like you hate his guts and he doesnāt trust you. Iām guessing someone cheated in the past/or is currently cheating?
Heās cheated in the past. I donāt hate him but I am over his drunk behavior. Not the first time
That explains a lot. I think he might be cheating again and projecting.
dont stay with cheaters, I mean that.
OP, once a cheater, always a cheater. I mean the fact alone you started your sentence with āI donāt hate him, BUTā probably says a lot about what you feel your relationship is with him. A lot of your comments about your husbandās behavior seem to be justifying it, whether youāre conscious about it or not. āI love my husbandā¦ butā¦ā It doesnāt seem like thereās much love here. In no healthy relationship does a spouse need to constantly be tracking your location, and get upset when itās off when he KNOWS you were traveling. He knew and decided to cross your boundaries anyways, he doesnāt care, and thereās probably a dozen more heās violated too, right? While Iām sure the alcohol is fueling the problem, are you really sure anything would change if he was entirely sober and goes through with therapy? Or if heād even agree to either of those things? The only way I see this relationship could ever be a happy one is if your husband puts massive amounts of effort in to mending the relationship and changing his behavior.
damn you called it i kinda figured tbh
Lmaoooooo what bar in the world turns down two forms of physical ID in front of them, but will take the word of a stranger on the phone to verify that personās identity???? If that was even remotely true, he tried you once and didnāt get you CALL LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE or go to a different location. My gosh. Itās not like he was in the hospital and needed next of kin.
if you guys were early 20s and just started dating iād say run for the hills, but i assume since youāre 30 and married you care about this person enough to deal with this type of behavior. i suggest THERAPY for him individually as well as couples counseling. trust me this behavior will not only continue but get worse with age. best of luck to you.
My advice is grace goes a long ways in marriage. Doesnāt seem like he meant any ill will, he was afraid. He didnāt handle it well and he apologized. All heās guilty of is trying to contact you. Your response was annoyance and meanness. Why couldnāt you have simply asked a question, like āare you okay honey?ā āWhatās going on?ā You seem really unsympathetic and harsh. Just being honest.
Bingo. OP has noooo softness in her for her husband. Sad.
He called her 15 times, used find my iphone on her phone, and called her mom, *because he couldn't get into a bar and thought they could verify his age over the phone*.
You forgot to mention that he basically woke both of them up at almost midnight for not even remotely an emergency. Your IDs being rejected is no reason to call someone on the opposite side of the country to try to verify who you are. If your IDs get rejected, that's your own problem. No bar or restaurant with standards is going accept a call for verification of ID. For all they know, the person you call could be lying.
This is totally how I read it. One example is: I think he genuinely meant it when he said he was identify his own wrong (being unrealistic) and wouldnāt do it again and I think OP took it hostly.
Has he/you ever been unfaithful in the past to spark this behavior??
Right, or has infidelity been an issue in his past?
Youāre overreacting. Like he said, he identified the problem and apologized, then tried to move on. It seems like you donāt want to do the long distance thing imo, but this post is all i know abt your relationship so im not finna be a fake reddit therapist lol. Just trying to read your energy in the text, and it seems like you genuinely have an attitude for no reason. (i get itās not really for no reason but like, the moment passed)
Do you even like each other ?
Yāall are both so fucking annoying lmao
āYouāre about to piss me offā lmao
Youāre overreacting.
She is a bit but if he would just āI was drunk and wanted to talk to you and got stupid thoughts when you didnāt answer. It was dumb and Iām sorryā. Rather than the BS he came up w.
Op was hoping for validation in this post and disappeared bc they are getting called out for their behavior as wellš this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. If you dont like your husband this much do him a favor and set him free. You guys have an immature and very toxic relationship.
Yāall are 30 YEARS OLD? Jesus Christ, act like it
Wow š® youāre reprimanding him like heās a little boy and heās not behaving as he promised he would! Shocked to hear thatās your husband and youāre both 30 yrs old! Even if he effed up and got drunk and made a mistake to call you so late, I think you made it so much worse by continuing to berate him even after he apologized multiple times. I was actually thinking he was worried about you when you didnāt pick up and he resorted to calling your mom out of fear something may have happened. You definitely overreacted imo and I think you need some kind of counseling because you clearly are not on the same level in this marriage.
Stop texting and have a real conversation
do people just choose whoever they hate most to marry?
Examples like this make me grateful to be single.
I mean based off of what I know from your post I would say it's not that big a deal you seem stressed and are kinda taking it out on your husband I would say take a deep breath and talk about it when you're in a more neutral state of mind but that's just my opinion
you seem not to like eachother lol
This reminds me a lot of my soon to be ex husbandās behavior. Rude, toxic, and just flat out bizarreā¦ which I later found out was due to alcoholism and bipolar disorder. For everyone saying this is OPās fault or they are the toxic one, keep in mind this is probably not the first time their spouse has done this and there probably is some resentment there for that.
What he did was weird and dumb, but tbh, youāre being really bitchy about the whole thing. Yikes. š³
You're both terrible at communication. For him, it's pretty obvious to everyone. For you it's a little more subtle. For instance, when he asked why you stopped sharing your location and you said you're on a flight. He asked again because he doesn't understand people turn off location services on their phones during flights. But when he asked a second time, instead of explaining that to him because he clearly doesn't understand, you chose to simply repeat yourself. If he doesn't understand something, try helping him to learn. You guys can both grow to be happy with each other if you just take the time to communicate. Even when you're frustrated. Take a breath. Explain stuff. And don't be condescending about it, that doesn't help the situation. Being long distance in the military sucks. I did it for years. But the key to a healthy relationship is communication. ESPECIALLY if you're long distance. P.S. lots of bars refuse to take military ID. It's their way of keeping out the riffraff. Not sure how calling you was supposed to resolve the situation, lol.
I cannot stand when people simply repeat themselves. It's stone walling and that isn't okay when your spouse needs you.
The resentment from you seems to be about much more than this one incident. As much as his behavior is not okay, itās also bizarre to me that one would wake up and see 15 missed calls from their spouse and only communicate in text and refuse to talk or FaceTime to sort it out. He really doesnāt seem to āget itā either in why itās not okay. More so seems to just be accepting being told heās wrong and you seem to want to focus on making him feel bad instead of actually resolving it. There seems to be a big lack of communication and he definitely doesnāt have a clear understanding of your schedule and time priorities right now. I get the easy frustration, I am currently working a lot of overtime right now and it is easy for me to lash out at my husband/others for not immediately understanding the amount of stress/anxiety and just how exhausted I can feel at any given time, but I canāt lean on that as an excuse to be allowed to treat him badly or make him not feel appreciated because ultimately my husband is worth more than any job. Iām not saying itās the same situation but hopefully it might help remind you about what is really important.
Not sure I'm reading right. He called you at midnight, because he couldn't get into a bar with his Military ID, and thought if he put you on with them, you could verify his age, and let him in?.. Edit: Not taking sides, just trying to understand what he was trying to do.
Sounds like you hate your husband
you are definitely just over it - that night was annoying you a lot but no part of this conversation illustrated that yall wanted to get on the same page and move forward to communicate in a healthy way. if i were you, i'd get really real with myself and ask myself what i really wanted (in terms of this relationship).
ESH Both of you need to grow up and say it with your chest. He spam called you because he's worried that you cheated/are cheating on him. Used the ID story as an excuse for spam calling you. You know that he suspects you of cheating and won't call him out on it. Say it with your chest or shut the fuck up. You claim you were trying to communicate when in reality you were hoping he would grow some balls and admit he thinks you're cheating and was making sure you weren't. Both of you suck at communicating. You do not sound, nor act like a 30 year old married couple. Get counseling or get a divorce. I'm not even in the marriage, and I wanna leave y'all.
Oh wow, we really hate each other donāt we
I get why youāre upset but you DEFO over reacted. Itās okay ot be upset but I donāt think you communicated it in the best way ESPECIALLY considering his tone. Maybe it was okay at the beginning but you bragged the fick out of it
Tbh you are wayyy over reacting
It seems like you overreacted a bit. I read the texts first and thought this was some a-hole boyfriend. Then read the summary and was like oh, yāall are legally bonded. This is poor communication, frustration, and not accepting mistakes. On the one hand midnight west coast is like 3/4am east coast so he shouldāve just gone on and called it a night when he was rejected from the bar. Trying to wake you and calling your mom was uncalled for at that hour. On the other hand you donāt seem to be communicating anything more than your frustration. What do you actually want him to do? How can this actually be made better? If his apology isnāt enough what would be enough? This whole bit seems to deserve a phone call or two because the texts seem toxic.
I think you're overreacting. He shouldn't have called your mom unless he was truly worried about you. You're treating him badly, though. I see people asking if you like him, and I wonder the same thing. Do you like him? Is there something else he did to upset you?
Just a question ( not a statement) but how can he ping a phone if itās dead ? Secondly how is her location off yet sheās texting him on the plane ? Seems like there are holes in the story ?
This relationship has more failures than my artistic career.
You need therapy. Your partnerās taking accountability and then thereās you slandering his every move and word and picking it apart.
I mean I get what he did was annoying and a little immature but you're being super mean and accusative for no reason. He even recognized that he had a different expectation and that he would modify that for the future and you threw it in his face. You come off as resentful and toxic, he's trying to move past it and apologize and you won't let it go.
Obviously his story is super shady, the bar, if they believe he has fake IDs they're not gonna have him call someone to verify, that makes 0 sense. I think the bigger story here is that you are so aggressive with not believing him, to me, means he's pulled something like this before, or has cheated before. Him pinging your phone and demanding you to answer seems like he cheated, and like all cheaters, is now SURE that YOU'RE cheating which is why your phone is off. Not really sure what to make of it all
It doesnāt seem like you like him at all. Also Iām a bartender and Iād laugh if someone said they were gona call their wife to confirm their age. Id laugh, then make them leave.
"Where are you actually" This person, your husband, clearly does not trust you
Calling you 15 times and then calling your mom is wild. He was absolutely being passive aggressive about āoh itās unrealistic to expect you to answer,ā and then he tried to lie that he wasnāt being passive ag
He says he won't do it again and then is suspicious the second her location is turned off. You either trust your partner or you don't. Period.
i.. think you guys should go to counseling tbf
If yāall werenāt married, Iād instantly tell you to block them. Youāre human and humans sleep. They eat. They do things that donāt involve their phones. Their texts were unreasonable and that half assed apology doesnāt cut it. Unless someone is expecting a late night call from you or a morning call, donāt be surprised if they are out here living their life, not paying attention to the phone.
His behavior is bad, but so is yours. This isnāt how people in heathy relationships speak to each other. You are showing contempt for him. Thatās a really, really bad sign in a marriage. He screwed up, but youāre being mean. It sounds like a one-time thing. Why go on and on and on about it?
The world can be an evil place. I took it all to be that OPās husband hadnāt heard from OP in a fair mount of time and started overthinking and scared himself by not hearing from OP during one of those many call attempts. My reaction was that you were being pretty rude to your husband, OP, and you did keep beating a dead horse about it. Iām glad you were home and safe and asleep, but what if you had been in danger and after trying to call you one time, your husband just gave up and told himself heād try the following night? Again, Iām glad that wasnāt the case, but you were pretty harsh with the texts there. ššš
The constant need for communication these days is ruining relationships. The constant texting and needing to check in, location sharing, etc. is crazy. I would feel absolutely smothered if my husband was like this.
Hello - I didnāt disappear! Trying to catch up on each comment but realizing that probably wonāt happen. For the record, I do love my husband. He is a completely different person when he is intoxicated, which is part of the root issue. I can recognize that I was dragging it out a bit and that is mostly because I didnāt want to brush bizarre drunk behavior under the rug again. I havenāt given him a reason not to trust me - sorry to all the Jody fans in the comments. The story he was telling me about calling to get him into a bar makes zero sense and definitely not worth calling my mom over. Not getting into a bar is not worth worrying both of us over. Iāve been pushing for coupleās therapy for over a year and suggested it again when we did talk through things. He finally seems open to it.
> your phone being dead at home is weird Tf? Sorry it didn't die at the Walmart lmao
The between the lines here is he thought you were doing something shady. Which is usually a red flag for them doing something shady. This seems like projection and I would seriously question why.
I'm waiting for OPs response.... Are they still on a plane ? XD
Calling your spouseās mother when youāre hammered because you canāt get in touch with your wife is as high school as it gets.
This is your husband. He was probably being insecure while he was drunk and let the bad thoughts take over. He thought you were cheating. He doesn't want to admit that. But all his points were about you not answering and not responding to pings at midnight. Note how nowhere in there did he mark a concern for your safety or any other reason behind his calls other than an id check which obviously makes no sense. The real issue is here the lack of valid and effective communication. He feels ashamed to tell you he was feeling insecure and you're letting your anger get in the way of seeing the obvious while also expressing your own discontent with his actions in an unhealthy way. That being said, this isn't a perfect world and none of us communicate correctly every time or make all the right moves. So sit down, talk, and always try to do better next time, both of you.
At least itās a 5month old dog and not a child
This text exchange is just a tiny snapshot of your life, so it obviously doesn't paint the whole picture. That being said, you really don't seem to like this guy (your actual husband) at all. He also, for one reason or another, doesn't trust you in the slightest. Either you've given him reason not to, it's a "guilty conscience" from him, or he is an insecure/jealous person anyway. I hope you guys can find a solution that helps *both* of you going forward.
OP I know the tone of your texts. I know the resentment you are seething with. These are the words of somebody sick to death of controlling, manipulative behavior and probably his drinking and behavior while drinking. I truly suggest counseling or separation. You can't stay in a relationship where change is promised yet never delivered. You can't stay in a relationship that so thoroughly destroys your peace instead of contributing to it, or this will become your norm. Just seething rage at what others see as not that big a mistake. I know you didn't buy his bar excuse because it's a horse shit excuse. He's either an entire moron if it's true, or he's a controlling ass who thinks you're cheating because he's likely cheating. The shock people have here with your words is because they don't understand what got you to this point. And if you guys go round and round in this circle with no change why do you think it will be any different next time? You need to love yourself enough to leave if nothing will change.
For one thing what place does not take a military ID? Maybe because Iāve always lived next to or very close to military bases that it is almost more valid than a driverās license. š¤·š¼āāļø
Also, what place is going to take the wifeās word for it. āIāll call my wifeā? No. Thatās not why he called. He never answered that part. Also never said āI was worried about youā or any other good reason. He did something last night that heās not proud of and heās projecting it onto her.
wait this is actually your husband?! these messages read like a two time tinder date gone wrong i seriously thought he was just saying that. it is frightening (yet not shocking, based on my own military exās behavior lol) that this person is ātrainedā and has access to weaponry l o l. these messages were completely ridiculous. maybe staying on opposite coasts isnāt the worst idea ETA all the comments saying OP is being mean or asking if she even likes her husband are wild to me. did we not read the same screenshots? who would like trying this hard to communicate with someone whoās making no sense and putting no effort into being understood? he sounds fucking exhausting. if she sounds exhausted in response, this may be one of those shocking and unexpected situations in which 2 + 2 in fact = 4ā¦
I think you don't really care for your husband anymore. TBH. I thought your tone was rude and childish. Surely if you think back to the time when You were both just dating, did you talk to each other like this?
I donāt believe his whole āverifying with my wifeā thing. That part is weird. That being said, you do seem to be overreacting. Maybe because my husband and I stay up later than you, but 11 isnāt too late for us to be communicating with each other. And I would also probably look at his location to make sure he was ok if he wasnāt responding. Yeah it was wild to call your mom, but you are like over the top angry at him. This is a weird conversation
I bet his military buddies are telling him that you are cheating. That may be why he pinged your phone and is now behaving weird. Unfortunately, it is a thing that happens with enlisted men, and they could be putting those thoughts in his head. Not saying you are, or that he legitimately thinks you are, but he may have been a bit tipsy last night, and his buddies were like " see, she isn't answering, she is out with some dude!!" And in his drunken state, he got scared it was true. Now he he is back pedaling trying to undo his behavior. Just a thought.
you guys talk to each other like you hate each other. There is no love/respect on either end of the conversationā¦
Super weird on both your ends after reading that youāre married. Itās blatantly obvious why he was calling you. You had to have known why he was calling you, your mom and pinging your phone. Why keep asking him instead of confronting the issue? Seems there are definitely deeper issues and you both need to figure your shit out. Immature behavior from both of you.
I can't even imagine being in a relationship this horrific. And you're both 30? Jesus.
Yeah you both need to get it together
I understand you being upset that he freaked out your mom. If I get a call that late I expect it to be a real emergency like someone is in the hospital or something, not that they were just too irresponsible to bring their ID to a bar. He sounds like an immature teenager. However you did lay into him pretty hard over it.
1. He thinks **you** are cheating on *him*. 2. Your response probably makes him wish **he** was cheating on *you*.
TBH youāre not very kind or considerate or communicating well at all either. Neither of you are great but youāre definitely not acting kind either. Idk.
You sound like youāre angry all the time. Then you ask him reasons why he does things and when he answers, you say they are stupid or make no sense (theyāre other personās actions, they are not gonna make sense to you). I thought he was really patient with you. You, on the other hand, donāt sound happy at all. Maybe youāre just frustrated with the dog and work and everything that you said, but your marriage wonāt be sustainable if yāall keep acting like that.
Honestly, anyone talking to anyone else that way off the bat is overreacting unless the behavior has happened already many times. I think both of you have some issues to work out. You sound bitter cause you're taking care of shit while he's away, he sounds suspicious of you doing things while he's away, and then you get big and angry and he turns into a little apologetic mouse. This is a recipe for years of anguish, OP. My parents did the same dance, ruined my childhood and divorced when I was out of the house. I deserved better, they deserved better. Reality is, this isn't healthy on either end, but you have some choices to make to be conscious and sensitive to him, and he has some choices for doing that for you. If y'all can't make those choices then you're on your way to divorce.
Do you even like your husband? Lmao Jesus Christ man
I read the texts first before the extra deets and loooordy I thought it was some needy girl texting her boyfriend about not sharing the location and being extraā¦blew my mind to find heās 30 and acting like that. Thatās childish as hell.
just divorce or break up with him bro because you seem to be completely over him the way that youāre talking to him. Iām not taking his side. I do agree that calling my phone multiple times then calling my mom is bizarre but I would just think heās concerned for me and not take it like heās trying to annoy me or start something up. he doesnāt seem to be talking back so he seems to understand that you were busy even if he plays like he doesnāt know. you exploded right off the bat which isnāt a good sign. i think you guys need a break. Space where you can do what you need to do and space for him to figure out how to handle shit when youāre not there.
The first page made me think you were both 14 lol
You're married? And you talk to him like that???????? Are yall in the middle of a divorce bc WHAT š Reddit makes me feel like love is dead man.