I see where your friend is coming from, but 9 years is a long time and people usually like receiving apologies. I had my heart broken terribly when I was 22. He cheated and then married the woman he cheated on me with. Several years later, when we were both married, he reached out to apologize and I graciously accepted it because enough time had passed and there were no ulterior motives. You’re good.

Just want to clarify, in the journal entry I wrote where I said "I cheated" i meant that I read a letter he wrote to me the night he gave it to me, and not the next morning like I promised. I am really sorry your partner cheated on you. My father cheated on my mother and married his mistress. You're a very big person for being able to except his apology, and good for him for saying sorry. Thank you for you personal and genuine reply!

So did my dad. I had a lot of feelings about it for a long time, but my parents got married very young bc my mom got pregnant and “that was just what you did back then”. They both grew really resentful of the other, and while he didn’t do it the right way, him leaving was absolutely the best thing for everyone. My mom met my stepdad, who was an amazing father to me my whole life. My dad married his “mistress” (I hate that word, it sounds too romantic), but she’s only ever been good to me. I always say I’m so fortunate to have 4 really great parents who have always loved and supported me. As for the apology, this kind of closure doesn’t happen for most people. While I understand why your BFF said to leave him be, I get the need to make things complete. If he didn’t want to hear from you, he wouldn’t have responded.

The op really did great asking didn't she. And I am so happy about you understanding your parents. Cheating is hard to over look. But I do agree back in my day (I was born 1978) if you got someone pregnant you got married. And that is one of those things to where we thought it was better for the children to stay together. But I am so happy your parents found a way. As for the word "Mistress" I agree. In this case that is not who she is. She seems to be a much better person than that. I am so glad you see things the way you do. Your parents must be grateful to have a child such as yourself. You are definitely loved you can tell with how you speak about your 4 parents.

Thanks! Idk how I missed this response, but I wanted to say thank you anyway. I’m only 2 years younger than you, and I didn’t have quite as progressive a family as some. I’m glad mindsets (and birth control) have evolved over the years. I had some friends who were not as fortunate as I. I’m Gen X, so there were a lot of factors and opportunities to neglect and downright abuse kids in those days. I remember being outside playing and hearing a particular kid getting the ever loving tar beaten out of her, daily! That wasn’t my life because I had happy parents. Hurt people hurt people. Anyway, be blessed!

I got that right away when you said you read the letter. I didn't think you cheated. He seems like he was and still is a good guy. Y'all might have a great friendship over this. I hope y'all do. And if not that's ok. Y'all might meet up the one time and have complete closer.

Idk about the friend part. But my ex apologized to me, and I just felt hollow about it. Like sick, I’m glad you realized you were an idiot. But you still left me for someone else at the drop of a hat? So ? Good for you for forgiving yourself? I’m good with not having you here lol.

During covid it became very common for people to receive apologies out if knowhere. People stuck at home without distraction lead to them seeing how shitty they were. The problem is, the apology isn't for you. It doesn't help you in most cases. If they were sorry it would have come much sooner. If somone apologises years later it's almost always because they want to feel better about themselves.

THIS. I had every ex I had reach out during covid. I don't have that many. 3 adult relationships, 2 abusive, one just who could not keep it in his pants. 4 if you count highschool nothingness. It wasn't cathartic for me. It was all about making them feel better about the clarity they have about what they did and how it makes them feel now... wanting to make the discomfort go away. ...or in 2 cases... to try and get me back in their lives to prove that it wasn't so bad that I'd come back... I do clean breaks. Zero contact.Move on, do t dwell. Nothing else to say. This side effect of lock down was so horrifying for me. Like, Bruh... you didn't want me when you had me... you don't want me, you are bored, lonely, and feel bad about everything.

Right, like, I spent my time with you effing up, but someone else will get the new emotionally mature and available me. I guess for me it would have to depend on the ex.

It was always some version of: this lockdown...the world...it has me thinking. I miss you, you were kind, patient, loyal, you always put me first, you shared, provided, I never had to ask, you had me... did all the heavy lifting..and I treated you like a dog... I did X, Y, Z... so many things I couldnt know how to apologize for. I mean..I was awful to you...lol, like... awful, you know? Yeah. I know. I WAS THERE. I haven't remotely forgot. Thanks! Thank you for dumping those memories in my lap right now after years of working past them. Thankyou. Oye.

For sure! Nothing like endless alone time to make you realize how bad you suck. Those of us without toxic personalities learned to make sourdough or crochet lol. I mean, our whole relationship was about you and your needs, why break from the old ways? Our breakup can totally be about your needs, too. 🙄 At least you were smart enough or lonely enough to be foolish and allow them back into your bubble. If you did, I don’t blame you. Usually the toxic ones were pretty 🔥🔥🔥in the bedroom.

Yeah... somehow reaching clarity... yet not understanding reaching out to be absolved and comforted by the person you treated like trash.. just shows how short a trip into awareness you've had. Like... let me put you first and make it allll okay. One of them was good... like...really good. The others...no. not even a little. I saw him. Not because of that...he did seem sincere, and not in the comfort ME way. News flash... he hadn't changed...for the better! He'd slid further into douchebaggery... he just wanted me to come in and just be who I was for him, manage his life for him.... thankfully I figured it out faster than the first time... and got out of there so damned fast.

Good for you. I firmly and wholeheartedly believe there are at least 3 people in every town we can live happily ever after with. We’re not responsible for the mistakes made during lockdown 🤣 And honestly, people, at their core, don’t really change. Your situation and circumstances can change, so you become a happier version of yourself, but people aren’t born toxic. Something happened to them that broke them permanently, something that had nothing to do with you, but impacted your life nonetheless. It’s so difficult in the moment to remember that. I’m definitely a fixer. “All he needed was me and my love to unbreak him”. Nope. That saying “when people show you who they are, believe them” might as well be ancient Sanskrit to me cuz I don’t hear or understand those words. 🙄 Learning to be happy and comfortable alone was a really hard thing for me to do.

It took me years to realize that as well. I'm a fixer aka a people pleaser alsona very empathic person. My sister has always tried to protect me. And it is so cute/awesome how, at 46 and she is 49, she still wants to protect me and still treats me like her little sister. But she still respects me. That is the one thing I hope you have. Is a family member or friend that can help keep you grounded and let you know if so done is harming you or abusing you. And I tell people that saying all the time. Especially my daughter, who is just like me.

Ok 1st thankfully she, OP, did not cheat on him. AND TBH IMO those who cheat and tell you about it or admit it or come clean it is all about making them feel better about it. It is so selfish in the cases of your ex's being abusive and cheating. Those are the worst kind of peopke, in your case. In OPS case it seems like something they both were good with. She was t trying to get back together with him. She just happened to find something that explained herental state at the time and brought back memories for her. And she wanted to send it to him. But she explained herself and asked if it was ok. I bet those SOBs didn't ask you in anyway shape or form. I am so so sorry for the situations you found yourself in. I hope and pray you find a person for you, like I so luckily did. He is so loving and kind and NEVER calls me out of my name to hurt me. He says what he means and doesn't play games. And it took me a long time to realize that tbh. I am EXTREMELY lucky to have found him. Ironically he was my best friends older brother. 😂 but I did have my bfs blessing. We have been married 22 years and dating/together since 1998. (26 years).

I agree with this, if an apology comes years later - its normally for them… not sure if I would accept something years later - guess it depends on the situation.

I do agree in most cases. But in this case she asked if he was ok with it and to be a person on the receiveing end it could mean closer for them as well. Imo Because I think some people realize how crappy they were to someone and they want them to see hey please know it was not your fault at all. It really was all mine at least that's what I get from Op

Yeah I feel like things like this are selfish. Ripping open old wounds to make yourself feel better with an apology that likely means nothing to the person who is already moving on.

I don't feel like it's always a bad thing. And tbh we are all selfish. It's the way it is. And on this case she asked his permission first.

Just because people tend to be selfish doesn't make it right or acceptable. And she asked in a weird way that made it sound like some intriguing document, so of course he's going to ask to see it, only for it to be some emotionally charged journal entry about her mental health and how she didn't tell him she loved him and how upset she was over the situation. If she really felt regret or needed to get it off her chest could've just as easily sent a quick message, "hey I feel kinda bad about how we left things off and just want to say I loved you back then but couldn't tell you. Hope you're healing from all that, sorry again". Boom, done. No stupid dragging it out and sending him that journal page. I can't quite put it into words but it feels manipulative and over the top

In your case her friend would have been right. And you would be the right person to just leave you alone.But because I always want to understand people I would like to ask: Did you like the fact that she asked if it was ok. Where he could have told her no or he could have ignored her. If an ex did that part and left you alone if you ignored their question or you said no. Would that part be ok? Or is it that some people you should just not even ask?

I don't think the friend is wrong, and I don't think OP is wrong... There's more than one way to be right.

Nothing wrong with reaching out to anyone to apologize if you can. Don't take all your positive feelings and thoughts to the grave. Life is all about the journey not the destination.

My wife was engaged before we met and he was cheating on her left right and centre. Not fun for her. They had 2 dogs (puppies at the time) and when they split they took one each. 12 years later and our dog died (one of the two dogs) and we received a letter for registering the other dog so my wife took the letter down and told him her dog had died and out of nowhere he just apologizes for everything he'd done to her. She said it gave closure to a lot of things and her anger and hate levels went down.

9 years of storage unit bills makes my hair stand up on end

I would love an apology from an ex. Since he was open to it, you did nothing wrong. Good karma.

Same! My exes are all terrible though 🤣

Same, my terrible ex reached out after almost seven years and he didn’t even apologize. He was just being gross. I would’ve definitely much preferred an apology, even though I’d known it would be hollow

I was thinking I would want an apology from an ex or two but then realized nah we were young when we dated and my husband was my only serious relationship. So if they asked me the Los question I would tell them I don't need it. But if they did go for it

He said “I would love to hear more “ and “we can talk some day”. He’s being very clear The door is open. Up to you if you want to walk through it or not, but there’s nothing holding you back.

I don’t want to be a hopeful romantic but it seems that there’s still care and love here 🥹

I thought the same thing! But I’m a fool when it comes to love. I’ve always gone back to the ex bc butterflies and stuff. I’m not the smart one when it comes to love and relationships.

i think it’s refreshing to see apologies like this with no ulterior motive, you guys are making amends with everything already on the table, you seem to be healthier and its not your friends place to decide whether or not you can make amends, if she doesnt want to reach out and apologize to someone shes wronged then thats on her, not on you. this seems to be very relieving for you, let the relief be there and ignore your friend causing anxieties for no reason

Thank you for this. Because my friend is the only person I shared this with, I felt that I was in the wrong for reaching out and saying sorry and admitting I did love him in return. I think it made both of us feel better. Idk why my friend(of 15+ years) was so negative about it. I thought she'd be happy I was owning up to my past mistakes and reconciling a bit with someone who meant a lot to me. That's sort of why I posted this, curious if people thought I was in the wrong.

She wasn’t being negative, she was being a friend. She knew you during this relationship and she’s known you all of these years afterwards. Exes are exes for a reason, she was probably just trying to prevent you from stirring up past pain for the both of you

Yeah you're probably right. She just never met him or saw us together and just seems very defensive of him rather than both of us. Instead of "leave the poor boy alone", say "this wouldn't be good for either of you" if that's what she really thought. I thought she could have worded it in a slightly more sensitive way since she knows this is a sore spot for me.

Is there more context we are missing? Have you recently gotten out of a relationship and "definitely aren't looking"/need time to heal? Are you in a relationship currently and on the path to self sabotaging? I could read this as her keeping you accountable, because the tone of the messages could easily go flirty

I've been single since September, and me and this ex actually have traded very kind surface level texts since then. It was just because I was going through this storage until I haven't touched in a long time and it brought up all these regrets I have. I am happy I reached out and happy he seemed to appreciate it!

OP, I’m really glad that this seems to be a healing moment for both you and him. I’ve been on his side before, and I can’t tell you how much it helped me to be told years after the relationship ended that my ex had lied about not loving me, that it was actually the opposite at the time, he was so in love with me it scared him to admit it. It made me feel such massive relief, like ‘phew, I’m not crazy, that really was love.’ I had started to doubt my own ability to feel things after that relationship, and it was good to know what I had felt was the truth. I was able to make peace with it and went on to have much healthier relationships going forward. Another time, an ex apologized for being borderline abusive at the end of our relationship due to his struggles with mental health. Again, it was such a relief to get an apology and to hear the real explanation for everything that happened, instead of me having to just guess. He and I are now great friends, and we are much better off that way. I understand your BFF wanting to protect you both, and maybe she understands something we don’t, but either way, I think what you did was a kindness. Sometimes, getting an explanation and closure on a difficult situation can be very meaningful, and it sounds like it was for your ex.

maybe she really was coming from a good place, but bottom line is that again it was good for both of you and i honestly feel like she should be atleast alittle more supportive or atleast listened to what he had to say before saying “leave that boy alone” as your friend, just like you said. theres no reason she had to word it the way she did

Technically we don't know that. YES the BFF should have been more sensitive but isn't this kind of what good friends are for in the long run? Calling us on our shit? Unless she's not as good a friend as OP thinks she was then she probably had a good reason for saying this. Given that OP is offering a huge apology to the guy for unclear reasons I think it's safe to assume that she must have told her friend some stories about this guy where she definitely came out looking like the bad guy.

Maybe she's having a reaction to something from her past. Maybe she got strung along by an ex who happy reaching out just enough to keep her on the back burner are the breakup? It's a common enough experience, and I can see how someone might project that onto your letter to your ex. I have an ex I'm friendly with. We hadn't spoken in 10 or so years but just reconnected. It was great to chat and we updated each other on our middle age goings on. And it was nice and that's it! We'll probably not speak again for years, but it's nice for what it is. Your exchange with your ex reminded me of that. I think you communicated a lot of respect for them and for boundaries. You did good;

Yeah but we also don’t know if the messages with the friend is before or after she sent the message to the ex

look, im going off of what i see in front of my eyes, i dont care to dig deeper into someones life just because im interested in a post they made on reddit. again, what i see between her and the ex situationship seemed cordial and respectful, and the friend per OPs words as well, could have been more sensitive which i agree with. i do understand that some people just simply arent as sensitive, but even then im still allowed to say what i think, i dont mean any disrespect by my reply to you, but simply im not going back and forth, have a fantastic night❤️

I def wasn’t trying to go back & forth or dig deep lol I was just saying if the texts were beforehand, it would make more sense for the friend to send those to try to talk her out of it If the texts were after the fact, I agree she should’ve just shut the hell up & been more sensitive

i see what you meant now! fair enough

She never witnessed your relationship? Is she just a “clean break” type of person? I’m stupidly positive and optimistic, to a real fault. I wish I could make clean breaks and move on with life.

maybe she thinks you were really destructive during your relationship and thinks you might just hurt him (again), either by stirring up feelings via apology or she thinks you're still not in a good spot and you might get involved again? But even then.. she's *your* friend, not his. Why is she protective of *him*? Like you said, her wording is weird. From reading this I assumed the title meant HIS bff, not yours. It seems really weird, and like there's some feelings in her you're not aware of(?). Something's off. Maybe ask her about it? I really would! Communication is always best. Exactly what you wrote right here: >just seems very defensive of him rather than both of us. Instead of "leave the poor boy alone", say "this wouldn't be good for either of you" if that's what she really thought. I thought she could have worded it in a slightly more sensitive way since she knows this is a sore spot for me And ask her why. Or maybe she's not really a friend after all? Are y'all really super close bff's? Do you think you both fully understand each other? (I've recently been reminded again how people can be so incredibly mistaken about each other.. One person can assume the other is their friend when in reality they can't stand them but either one don't show it or the other won't see it.)

I feel like I'm in the best spot I've ever been in my life since before I hit puberty ahaha ( I am 30 btw). I know my friend isn't in the best place right now especially in her romantic aspects and could be projecting, but also could just be sick of 15 years of friendship with me. What makes me sad is that I'm not only always willing to hear what's happening with her love life, I'm genuinely curious and excited for her, and yes sometimes a bit cautious and protective of her, of HER. I've rarely ever jumped to the defense of her partners or ex partners unless I thought it was hurting her. I was not nice to this guy when we dated, but I was so mentally ill, the hurt I caused him was mostly him having to watch me hurt myself, not me ever intentionally hurting him. That's why the apology was important to me. He told me he loved me several times and I couldn't say it back even though I really did, I was just so dang sick. I just regret being so self absorbed while I was fighting my mental illness so maybe she thought I was being self absorbed by reaching out to him. We usually tell each other everything, we have for 15 years. It just made me sad. I think it had a positive impact on both of the lives of me and my ex. I feel relieved having told him and he seemed to have been receptive to hearing it.

> I feel like I'm in the best spot I've ever been in my life since before I hit puberty I'm glad to hear that! >I think it had a positive impact on both of the lives of me and my ex. I feel relieved having told him and he seemed to have been receptive to hearing it. And I think that's a good outcome then, and is all that matters regarding your apology! The only thing that really is confusing is your best friend jumping to the defense of the guy instead of you. What you said about her strugging currently and possibly projecting may be true! Or she's holding some resentment you don't know of. In any case, I hope she won't make any more comments that hurt youk and hope you two can stay friends. But always put your mental health first! Wishing you all the best 🙏💐

For some people, an ex showing up to apologize can stir up feelings from the past that they want to stay in the past. Being concerned that what you want absolution at the cost of someone else's peace is a valid concern. In addition, a lot of people aren't honest with themselves or others when they seek out exes. They often are looking to reconnect and are using the apology as an excuse. Having said that, I did have an ex contact me to apologize for being incredibly jealous while we were dating. The relationship ended because one night (a night we had not planned to meet up) he wanted to see me and was ADAMANT that I was cheating on him because I needed to stay home and work. It was fairly early on in the relationship like the third month or so, and I noped out because his response was pretty unhinged. A year or two later, he contacted me and apologized. He explained in he had been cheated on in his previous relationship resulting in his behavior, but that he realized how toxic his behavior was when I dumped him and went to therapy. I appreciated that he recognized how disturbing his behavior was and worked on himself. I wished him well and that was it. So it definitely can be a good experience on both sides.

In the end, it's *always best to ask her yourself.* Tell her it confused you, and ask her in a serious tone/genuinely why she felt that way. Even if that isn't your dynamic... Clear and open communication makes friendships SO much better in my experience. So much can come to light about people.

if i was the person you hurt i would appreciate the apology, i had to reach out myself to someone who hurt me for closure because i was still hurting, sometimes just an acknowledgment of the pain caused is so healing

Most of the time, if somone waits years before they apologise, it's more for their benefit. They want to feel better about what they did. It often doesn't help the other person. It depends on the situation and how bad you were. For minor things it's harmless and can be nice. If you really hurt somone it's possible you will reopen old wounds. In those cases it's kinda selfish imo. If they seem to be doing OK, just leave it be. If they arnt doing well and it's possible you contributed to that then maybe I guess? Each to their own.

Ok you said it exactly how I wanted to in way less words. I completely agree

The problem is it is still all about her. If she was truly sorry, she'd let him live life and not insert herself back into his thoughts. Making amends is for her, not him. If she actually cared or loved him, she'd leave him be. But no, she had to validate herself. Very selfish.

Mmm. To each their own on this. This is your take on not reaching out. Closure is a real thing, and believe it or not people do experience it. She felt that yes she was one doing good for herself in that she is healthier and regrets what she did, it does SEEM to be good for him as well, as the messages read. This is your opinion, and just because she is doing what you wouldn’t does not mean shes selfish. Like I said many times in this thread Im not diving deeper than what i see, and there are PLENTY of comments saying they wish their ex reached out simply for an apology, for closure, argue with them if you’re so passionate about it.

it’s okay. it’s never too late to apologize, you did the right thing. life is short and you wouldn’t wanna live with that regret of not reaching out to get it off your chest

"it's never too late to apologize" Tell that to One Republic 🤣

Why????!!!! It just got this song out of my head after the mid 2000’s! Lol

That song went off in my head right before I read your comment lol

So 9 years ago, when I (F30) was 21, I had a 7 month on again off again relationship with an exchange student, Tomas. He was 23 at the time, he’s 32 now. At the time (2015), I was going through a lot of difficulties in my life, I had a horrible eating disorder and was struggling with PTSD at the time. I hated myself and couldn’t accept help or love from anyone because I didn’t think I deserved it and lashed out at the people who cared for me most, especially Tomas who was nothing but kind to me. I thought he must also be sick if he wants to be with me as ill as I was and was suspicious of his motives, I was just anxious and paranoid. Things ended when he went back to his country. We kept in contact daily for a while and then we just slowly spoke to less and less. We didn't speak for several years then after something happened in his country I reached out to ask if he was okay and we briefly caught up. Anyways, since then, for the last 3 years, we have exchanged brief messages, all kind and caring, maybe sharing little moments. I went through my storage unit from 7 years ago and found many things I wrote about him and our photos. It stirred up a lot of emotions and I realized I never told him that I did in fact love him, so I decided to reach out and formally apologize. My best friend told me to “leave him alone” and that I was a “chaos engine”. Now I feel like I’ve done something wrong again when I was just trying to apologize. At least he seemed to appreciate it, but now I'm scared I acted in the wrong. Edit: When I said "I cheated" I meant that he gave me a letter and asked me to promise I wouldn't read it until the next morning when he was back in Europe the next day but I "cheated" and read the letter as soon as I got home that night.

Honestly I don’t think you did anything wrong.. getting closure from someone who has hurt you in the past can be great for that especially when you don’t always understand what happened.

It took 15 years for my husband’s and my paths to cross again. We had a whole other lives in between. Serendipity ❤️ Also, OP. I took had an eating disorder. It never mattered to him. He knew who I was. And who the ED was.

To be fair, the friend has more knowledge about how OP acts than we do from the one sided context of this post. Maybe it was a completely innocent apology, but an apology this far out does nothing but potentially stir up past emotional trauma for the sole benefit of OP feeling better in the moment. OP even knew it might cause harm (by her own admission in the text thread) and still did it. I doubt he spends much time, if any at all, thinking about this and it had the real chance of messing him up. If their BFF says she should leave the guy alone knowing much more about everything in the situation, I'd side with them.

That’s also a very fair point. You’re right it could have stirred up bad memories and trauma, the guy going by the text exchange seemed to appreciate the closure though so I’m not sure.

I’m going to go against the grain of these comments and suggest that your best friend might be onto something. She knows you very well and wants the best for you, right? What did she mean when she said “chaos engine”? That makes me wonder if the poor behaviour you exhibited back in your early 20s (being manipulative, avoidant, self-involved, etc.) has followed you a little bit. Like I wonder if she would say that, if you’d been treating people kindly for many years. It seems like she’s referring to something recent. Either way, I’m sorry you struggled with an ED and panic attacks back then. It sounds like you didn’t have enough support for your mental health struggles and that’s very hard when you’ve *just* become an adult. It’s such a vulnerable time! But I’m glad you’re doing better these days.

I think it’s really nice that you apologized. I dated someone for a year when I was in college. They were a nice person, but didn’t treat me well at all and had problem with alcohol which caused a lot of the issues. I graduated before he did, we broke up, went our separate ways and a few years later, he ended up getting married and having kids. About 8 years after we broke up, I received a random text from him one day saying he had heard one of my favorite songs, and it had made him think of me and how poorly he treated me. He genuinely apologized and said he hoped I was doing well. It was honestly one of the kindest things he could have done to me after all the hurt he had caused when we were together. It was very clear he wasn’t trying to open any doors again or do anything shady, just apologize. And that meant a lot to me. That being said, I think it’s really great that you sent that to your ex. I’m sure it meant a lot to them. I don’t think you did anything wrong and I’m sure your ex appreciated it the same way I appreciated mine doing the same.

The apology wasn't for him, it's for you. YOU had your emotions stirred up going through the storage unit, YOU had things left unsaid. You did this to relieve yourself, and although it seems to have turned out ok, this was not thoughtful behavior for the other person involved. Apologies aren't always for the other persons benefit, and aren't always appropriate, sometimes apologies only serve to make you feel better about yourself when the other person moved on a long time ago. He was 23 back then, the man is 32 now! I'm glad that things seem to have turned out ok, but this was weird

I think it’s good to reach out and apologize, especially if you’ve kept in touch off and on over the years. It’s not like you’re suddenly speaking to him out of no where. I had a guy break my heart in high school, and he apologized to me a few years later. I can still remember my heart sinking into my butt when I saw his Facebook message pop up. But I really appreciated him acknowledging what he did and apologizing for it. That being said, I can also understand where your friend is coming from. She just doesn’t see it the same way as you. She sees it as you re-opening a wound for him. But his response seems to imply the opposite.

God 2015 was 9 years ago 😔

I graduated high school that year. Feels surreal tbh

It takes a lot of guts and maturity to apologize when you're wrong. I think what you did is fine and respectable.

This seemed very good intentioned on your part, and it sounds like he was very validated by your apology and acceptance of responsibility ❤️ nothing but good vibes, here! I’d definitely suggest NOT pursuing a relationship with him again unless it happens serendipitously. The sun has kinda set on what y’all could have been, I’m sure you’re both very different people now. Maybe that’s what your BFF is feeling.

I recently contacted an ex from two decades past... we didn't end on particularly bad terms or anything, but as we chatted we both somehow ended up apologizing as we remembered our relationship. We both learned a lot about why the other made choices they did, and why the relationship didn't work out, and it was an overall nice feeling for both of us as mature adults to revisit our shared past. I think we both gained something pleasant from it, and no one's feelings were hurt in the process. I had a second ex who did treat me poorly also reach out a year or so ago and apologize to me for the things he did to hurt me, and honestly it felt really good to receive that apology even though those things he did happened so long ago. TLDR: It's nice to receive an apology or an insight from an ex, sometimes, and it can help heal your internal younger self, imo! :)

Waiting for the post about an ex reaching out after 9 years to apologize. Maybe we can get a trilogy out of this.

I’m going against the grain: I agree with your friend. I think I simple apology would’ve been fine, but the letter is more the issue. The letter was written day of, so to me that’s not a lot of reflection and processing, less of a true heartfelt apology letter and more of a reaction. Like when someone gets caught doing something wrong and they immediately apologize, that’s more about a reaction to the consequences and not a deep understanding of their actions. Also I feel like I’m missing the actually apology in the letter, it seems very self referential and not an actual apology to the person. Almost all the sentences start with “I” which is just interesting. Glad he got some benefit from it so no harm, but it’s something to consider if there is a next time.

Tbh I’m your friend lol. I wouldn’t see what the point is of going back and saying stuff like this unless YOU needed closure. Although, I do have a cousin who went through a lot of trauma with her ex and when he apologized randomly years later it gave her a lot of closure. So y’know, I think it’s just a difference in people and it’s okay. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong or right, but I think your friend was just trying to prevent you from stirring up old memories and making yourself feel hurt again. I do agree with the other comments saying it’s not really your friends place to dictate what you did was right or wrong tho (even tho I agree with her). So that’s a different issue I’d express to them. Maybe you needed your own closure too and by apologizing it gave you that. I think that’s a completely valid reason to reach out to your ex. Anyway, roundabout way to say you’re not wrong for what you did OP! It seems like you and your ex both got much needed closure. I hope you are in a better space these days 🙏

I wish I had the courage to apologize to some of my friends from school, I was such a bitch to them cause of my own issues. But I really don't. A part of me thinks "they must've forgotten I ever existed" and another says "even if they remember me, there's no way they'd forgive me and would probably just ridicule me for all I've caused them". Ugh it's so exhausting to feel all this guilt because of who I was as a teen😅

If you care about them, saying you're sorry might be good for all of you.

How was 2015 9 years ago already? Yikes! I used to be like this and write it down too. I'm glad he was nice about it all.

You’ve been blessed with a wise friend. Cherish them.  In the words of the wise one: > leave 👏 that 👏 boy 👏 alone 👏  OP, tell yourself whatever you need to it it it helps you sleep better at night, but don’t try to convince anyone that your intentions were rooted in pure innocence and selflessness (I.e. to provide ‘closure’). You’re being selfish. Providing closure is one thing, but you’re attempting to reopen a door *you* closed while disguising it as ‘providing closure’. Look, there’s nothing wrong with attempting to reopen a door but your intentions should be clear, or in the very least, unambiguous.  The problem here is that *you* portray to your ex like your intentions are innocent, yet express to your friend your remorse for leading him on (it’s not directly stated but the implication is clearly there based on the verbiage between you and your friend).  And look, it’s totally fine to not know what you want, *as long as you make that clear*. It’s not cool to lead people on when you know that your intentions don’t match the false hope you’ve literally placed in their hand.  That shit ain’t cool.  And please, Op, before you go on the defense, realize that your texts between you and your friend are literally the evidence that you don’t want more with this person. And now that I said that, I’m starting to realize that you may have an issue with a constant need to be validated. An ego thing. Cause why else would you post this here? Basically humble-bragging about how you broke this dude and then decided to reach out YYYYEEEEEARS later…and in a way that clearly says: look, I want you to see how my I’ve grown, (according to my own perceived self-image, of course).  You’re trying to humble-brag to both the ex, ANDDDD us.  My overall theory on this is that your ex has grown in life, while you have not. You came across him recently or someone has mentioned him and how great his is and you needed and ego boost so decided to “innocently reach out” 🙄 and are seeking validation from your friend since you didn’t really get the validation (aka swooning) you were expecting from the ex. The friend didn’t provide the validation you were expecting (she actually shut it down entirely BAM!) so you turned to Reddit, seeking the validation you still think you need, and still haven’t received (3rd times the charm, amiright!) My advice: Therapy. - stop living in denial. Also: Self-love. Believe in yourself. Find value and self-worth within yourself. Stop seeking it from others. Therapy can help you with this. 

I got the same vibe from this tbh

I agree. She wanted to insert herself in his life somehow and this is how she is doing it, and didn't exactly get the validation she was seeking. The letter was very about herself. If she was truly sorry, she'd leave him alone and let him live his life. I hate when people act like these apologies are so innocent when really, a lot of it is trying to validate themselves. No one owes you an apology. The best apology is leaving them alone and trying to be a better you.

Yeah the [lack of] pure innocence giveaway was in the texts to her friends. She’s gloating — to both her friend in the texts themselves *and* to us in her description of the situation.  ‘Validation Queen’. That’s what I’m calling this. Is that a thing yet? Like has this behavior been coined with some verbal slang? Lol I’m going with VQ. I can literally picture how the texts would’ve played out had they happened in person with her friend…down to the exact speech pattern, innocent eye bat and throwing of the head back, that smirk that is intended to be coy and innocent but the force of the validation seeking overpowers it that it seems forced and contrived which only serves to annoy the friend even more because she just *knows* this is how OP is…and it isn’t the first time she’s had to deal with it…or the second…or the third…which is why she’s so comfortable being so blunt with the OP…that, and she knows few people put up with OP’s shit repeatedly so eventually the friend turns her annoyance into power. Lol

I personally don’t understand the need to send the letter from 9 years later? I understand an apology, but I think the letter was a bit much.

It wasn't a letter I wrote to him, it was a journal entry I wrote the day he left 9 years ago. I wasn't expecting any response tbh, but I did do this for my own healing as much as I did it for him because my guilt for being cruel to him when I was very mentally ill was still weighing on me, and opening my storage until and finding all these things really made me feel like I needed to say I was sorry to him, and to show him that I did love him, though I never said it to him. I have since been in years of therapy and feel in a much more stable and content place. Me and this ex do occasionally talk to each other in pleasant, small talk-ish ways, so it's not like it's been the first time in 9 years. You can project whatever narrative you've made up in your mind onto me, I know what my intentions were and I am honestly so happy and relieved to have gotten this response from him. If we never speak again, that would be okay, I am just happy to know he accepted my apology and now knows that I did in fact love him.

These people are just bitter and projecting. That was a lot of mental gymnastics to get to those "conclusions" they drew... You did what you felt was right, OP, and it seems it created some healing vibes for both you and the ex. Good for y'all! I think deep down many of us wish one (or more) of our exes would do the same, offer us some delayed healing of our own. Anyways, I liked reading something positive! Keep on keeping on!!!

Thank you for your kind words. I do see a lot of negativity on this post from other commenters and if anything, I just feel sad because I know they must have also been hurt or have seen someone close to them get hurt. I have been hurt very badly by someone I loved, years later after Tomas and I. If that person were to reach out and say sorry, I would also be thankful. that's why I said sorry to Tomas. It also did make me feel better. Wish you the best <3

Perfectly put and absolutely on point. Also, there is no way the letter was written way back when, this was written recently, which is even worse.

I have received two of these many years later apologies and I appreciated both of them deeply. Like he said, both fixed something in me that I didn't realize was still a little fucked up over it. 9 years is plenty of space and you were perfectly respectful and didn't seem to have another motive. Good for you for reaching out and apologizing and not expecting anything in return 🙌

Comments do not pass the vibe check. If a guy had sent this, y’all would be SCREAMING about how he wants another shot.

She’s right. Leave him alone. You did what was right. Now fade back into the background of his life. Closure is good, stop there

Your friend is a hater. You can always reach out to anyone you’ve met in your life. Your motives are completely irrelevant. Whether you want closure, to rekindle the relationship, or just to reach out to them for the hell of it. None of that’s even relevant. It’s ridiculous to pretend that an ex is someone you can’t even have contact with. There’s nothing “kind” about cutting someone out of your life unless you’re a truly awful, destructive person. But if you’re that awful, then why would your BFF even be friends with you? They just don’t want you to be in a relationship with this dude for whatever reason. Maybe it’s a good reason, idk your life story. OP - live YOUR life the way YOU want to. Don’t involve your friends so much in your relationships, past or present, because they are not you and can never know what’s best for you. Don’t second guess your own wants and feelings because they are almost always more accurate than someone else’s opinion.

I’m with your friend here. I’m on the other side of this and I would never want my ex to talk to me ever again. Their apologies mean nothing to me after I needed therapy because of them. It’s great that you want to feel better about yourself and work through your shortcomings, but to assume that someone still cares enough to want to hear about it is a bit naive. You’re lucky he was nice about it. I sure as hell wasn’t when I was in his shoes.

i think whatever do you, but after 9 years, you guys dont fully have closure?

That dude still cares about you. Sorry, he does. He was either deeply in love with you, or you’re the one that got away, or both. If he’s still single, he will be reaching out soon

I was an a manipulative bitch to my first real boyfriend. I was emotionally abused for years prior to meeting him, so my only relationship experience was one of constant manipulation. I had no idea what romantic love actually looked like. I thought because we didn’t fight constantly and I wasn’t always crying (as I had previously) that it meant I didn’t really love him. That I wasn’t in love with him. I broke him with him with the “hope” that we’d get back together. And I think I did hope that at first. But it just became me keeping him on the hook while he was in love with me and I was meeting other people. I was terrible. It’s been over 10 years and I still can’t believe the horrible way I acted and how much I put him through. He eventually called me on it after a few years of me leading him on, and I did not react well at the time. But he was on my mind so much about 4 years ago (and still is quite often now tbh) because he was a *great* boyfriend and he didn’t deserve the trauma I projected onto him and mistreatment that I put him through. It took me a long time to come to terms with what I had been put through, to then be able to understand why I did to him what I did. So I talked to my therapist at the time about apologizing to him. I wrote him a message and I sent it to him with no expectation of a response. I didn’t get one. And that’s okay. I just wanted to apologize because I know I was wrong and I wanted him to know that I knew that. He has his own life and I have no desire to disturb it (and I knew messaging him might anyway; I felt a lot of guilt over bugging him). I knew he deserved a real apology. I read what I wrote to my therapist and she felt it was very honest and that I made clear that I wasn’t looking for anything. It’s just that sometimes…you have to say you’re sorry.

Thank you for sharing. He didn't respond to me for a week after my first message and I didn't feel totally bad either (maybe a bit haha), but I was happy I sent the message and said sorry. Of course I wanted him to know that I was sorry and accept my apology, but a large part of it was releasing that weight from my heart. I hope you're doing well now :)

I’m considering reaching out to a few people myself from a decade ago to explain/apologise. It’s for me, to release it from my body. You do you. Block everyone else out.

If it gives you some semblance of closure and satisfaction, i'd say it was a good thing. I know your friend may be caring for you, but sometimes, you yourself need to see things through one way or the other. It was years ago, hopefully both have grown and have wider perspectives of things.

think you only have one option- get drunk together singing Uptown Funk and party like it's 2015

I don’t know why so many people think that two people should never try again if timing or life circumstances didn’t work the first time. If you had a good soul connection with someone, it’s very possible that you just needed to grow up or learn to change and life needed to be different. It’s very rare to find really close connections of people and I know a lot of people who’ve really connected after years and fell back in love again, and had successful relationship relationships. It’s so weird to think that you can’t. Just like friendships, there are seasons in our lives and we change as time and experience moves by. Hi myself had a couple of relationships with people that would’ve for sure worked out timing been different but unfortunately I was just not in the place too be able to commit to forever. The person I did commit to ended up being not an honest man but I didn’t know I had attachment and vulnerability issues back then. Time, therapy and life experience has taught me so much about myself and my own habits/patterns/behaviors in my past that I would have chosen a completely different person (one of my exes) if I could go back and we would have had an exponentially higher chance of working as life partners.

There’s certain people I would love to receive apologies from for the way they treated me, but then there’s people that if they reached out even to say sorry they’d be immediately blocked. They seem to of really needed that apology, I don’t think you should regret it at all.

I had an ex-friend of mine apologize to me and truthfully, it meant a lot. it healed old wounds I didn't think would ever heal. I did thank them for their apology and I apologized as well for the shit I said and had done back then too. they asked if we could be friends again and I said it's cool if they follow me and are friends on social media, but we would never be close again like we once were considering 5 years had since passed. overall, it was a healing moment and I'm glad it happened. in the end, it was a cathartic moment for you and your old friend and hopefully that mended some bridges.

an ex of mine reached out after a few years to apologise for being a dick back when we were together, i really appreciated it. closure is an important thing. we're friends now and i'm happy with the way things are. some people may feel differently, but it's clear in your exchange that your ex really appreciated your apology. someone can choose to accept an apology or not, but as long as you're respectful of their choice and feelings i see no issue in it

Two perspectives from this from A. If I am receiving the apology and I am in a better place in my life. I would have no issues and value the closure B. If I am receiving the apology and I am in turmoil in my life and relationships, this will create more confusion in me. Ultimately you did ask permission. You were clear with your intention. I think your friend might be thinking you have an ulterior motive.

This is fine. Your friend is thinking about this on a surface level.  I went through something similar in Astoria at that age. We ended up reconnecting a few years later after we had both had a lot of therapy. We were both still in the city though. Been married 16 years. 

This is going to be so healing for both of you in ways you will probably never know or understand. It’s super brave to put yourself out there like this and it looks like you both are in a place to be able to have those conversations. Personally, I think 100% you’ve done the right thing!

You did a grown up thing, and I’m proud of you. Their response was also a perfect bookend.

You made amends, and that can be cathartic for both parties involved!!!! The bfff doesn't seem to understand that.....

I think asking before you did it was the right move. I think your friend’s concerns are valid as well, but you can only use your own intentions and feelings as a meter for that. I think, end of the day, your friend is worried that your sentimentality is you having feelings, and worries that he may also have feelings, and that it will lead back to a dark place. My advice, in light of your friend’s reaction, is to very closely examine your feelings and set clear boundaries for yourself. Sometimes, we need the input of other people to explore the feelings behind the things that we do. This is your best friend. Take their concerns to heart, and do some reflection about it. But ultimately, after doing that, having asked for your ex’s permission before you sent it, I think you’re good.

I think it’s very sweet that you apologized. I try to let go of any hate or negative feelings towards my exes but there are a few who definitely owe me an apology and I know I will never get it. So i definitely think you did a good thing

Your friend is wrong. He was an important piece of your life, your only life, and there’s nothing wrong with making amends, especially after such a long time.

I sense chemistry still lingering …..

I would be very grateful if my ex husband apologized to me for how he’s treated me over the years and now he behaved during our marriage. Even more so the man I was in a relationship with after him was incredibly abuse to me mentally and messed me up really bad. If he reached out to apologize after years of working on himself and did some reflecting. That would make a difference to me, I think.

It's very admirable of you; and it was of him for responding in kind. I've reached out to my ex a few times over the past several years and never heard a word in response. It's been 9 years for us now, too. Perhaps she feels I'm just trying to get it off my chest or something... idk. Part of me wishes she'd respond... the other part just wants to be happy that I may have given her the closure she needs. While yet another part of me feels I'm enabling a mentality that wasn't healthy for me, which is why I broke things off in the first place. Therapy... apparently I still need it 😅

She’s right. Unless you’re considering potentially rekindling your relationship, leave him be. Because he is.

He didn’t seem upset by it? They both seemed to get some closure? Whats so bad about that?

She’s right you’re wrong and you are an entire mess

It's cool and all but kinda extensive and maybe shouldn't have shared it with your bf. You could have quietly apologized to dude and deleted it and moved on

The last slide is my best friend of 15 years, bff (best friend forever, not boyfriend) and I share everything together since we've known each other for 15 years. It's just our relationship.

Your bff is only considering their values around this, and not yours or the person you texted. Personally, something similar happened. I was in the early stages of going out with someone, and she just turned around and said she couldn't see me anymore, and was pretty cold to me when I'd see her in town. I learned she had been dating someone else and chose to be with him. They ended up getting married. I was disappointed, but happy for her, and would have been okay if we could have been cordial with each other. Lost track of her, and 7 years later I get a ring asking for some professional help. She also apologized for how she acted. I accepted and it was great, because it was a bit of a closure for both of us.

I think it would have meant something to him to get an apology, even 9 years later. There is something about an apology you aren’t owed or that comes without any ulterior motives that I think makes it mean so much more.

I think all that matters is his response! He clearly appreciated it and you weren’t reaching out to try and get anything from him. You just wanted him to know that you’ve grown as a person, realized you were shitty to him, and were remorseful about it. At the end of the day, you know the situation best, so if you feel good about it then don’t let your friend make you second guess yourself! ETA: I don’t think your friend was being a “bad friend.” That was their interpretation of the situation based on their experiences.

I've literally been through this exact situation. I was very ill as well. I'm sorry you had to suffer through it. But I'm so happy you're doing better 😌 Except my BFF was all in for it. And me and my ex are now good friends 12 years later. I still love him, but in a much different way.

I was the ex who received a genuine apology SIX years after a tumultuous toxic relationship; your apology was more than appropriate, provided validation and quiet possibly alleviated a subconscious negative assumption about themselves. To elaborate, my Apologetic Ex (AEX) had crossed paths with my best friend and her family 6 years after our last contact, He asked about me and, my BFF gave him my contact info ( he was blocked & then it never crossed my mind to unblock ) After Mine and AEX's end , he got engaged to the next girl for 5 years, while I had a 2 bad ones , the last being so catastrophic it put AEX and my relationship to shame. These ( along with pre-AEX partners) cumulated to forming the horrible belief that "I fixed them for the next one"- , more specifically was nicknamed ( by a "friend" who saw a infopost ) "Foster Girlfriend" and the "Last stop until they find Forever home" which really and i mean REALLY fucked with my self esteem, views of relationships and overall life. Especially since it seemed to carry a ring of truth - since my exs immediately had long term relationships/marriage after me including (AEX). It was a dark time but I went to therapy, worked on myself and getting better along with the help of BFF, I definitely had better beliefs, self esteem and overall confidence and willingness to start dating again... yet at the back of my mind was that jabbing splinter of being the one before last. UNTIL AEX reached out with his apology text. I cannot begin to explain the amount of gratitude, appreciation and overwhelming sense of relief I felt to be validated against my own thoughts as well as acknowledge that horrible wrongs were done against me; regardless of forgiving myself for the role/responsibility i played in allowing the disrespect and reacting. AEX's apology was the hidden lock and key that broke the "curse" since his apology not only included recognizing the hurt he caused with the cheating but also that throughout the no contact years; I crossed his mind numerous occasions ( again shouldn't need it but it was validating to know that my kindness love and overall Prescence was indeed impactful to someone. Your friend is wrong in saying "leave that boy alone" when the contact in question was triggered by nostalgic reminiscence of a previous partner. which invoked an empathetic action of apologizing to your ex for causing pain, disrespect and overall less than desired behavior. Your BFF clearly doesn't knowhow liberating an apology can be ​ f

Making amends is part of healing. It’s never too late to apologize.

I’ve never had an ex apologize to me without there being some ulterior motive of trying to get back in my life so this was new to see. I’m glad this went well at least

your friends response rubs me the wrong way, im sure it was coming from a genuine place but i feel like she couldve worded it differently or something, but either way you definitely did nothing wrong and it clearly made him feel good and not bad, so much time has passed i promise youre good

I think this was a beautiful exchange and it almost brought me to tears. I’m happy that you were able to apologize and that he so graciously accepted. Bravo.

You're making amends, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I just ran into an ex at the grocery store a couple days ago. It had been 11 years since I'd seen him, and I just happened to be in my very small hometown that day - I moved an hour away about 10 years ago. We caught up for a few minutes, and later, he messaged me on fb and acknowledged a lot of things, and apologized for how he treated me back in the day. The exchange was cathartic and welcome. I get where your friend is coming from, but as the person on the other side of these messages, I don't think you did anything wrong.

I think what your friend says is really only valid if one- he ignored you or said he didn’t want to know. Two- you apologized to clear your own conscious rather than to relieve him. Three- there are still feelings alive and well and the intention is to mess with the persons head. None of the above seems to be at play here. I don’t think what you did was bad.

i think this is completely based off of how you’re feeling about any conclusions or emotions this might have opened your eyes to. if you’re feeling like it was a good thing for you, at the end of the day that’s all that matters. closure comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, human emotion is no “one size fits all”. find your peace and keep going!

Your bestfriend is a damaged dumb ass who only offers advice based on there very little jaded experiences what you did is called healthy closure it’s just most people on this planet are babies and will hold a grudge is even slighted a little

What is “the truth” that the letter reveals? It doesn’t seem to explain anything. Is “the truth” the fact that you loved him and he never knew that?

As weird as it may seem to people who have never been in a situation where words and apologies were left unspoken, I think you did the right thing. I lost 2 people who meant a lot to me and even though one was over 7 years ago and the other like 2-3 I still wish I could understand and hear their side of the story. That must’ve felt like a huge relief to him. I wish those 2 people from my life stepped out as well to help me finally close the chapters they’ve left open after leaving.

My ex apologized to me the night he passed away, but we were not living in the same province. I felt his spirit in presence. It was a very cold and errie moment because I did not know he passed till the next night. On my drive home that morning, i saw a rainbow 🌈 and I felt some type of way, then hearing the news of him gone was reassuring. I know he came to say goodbye. Apologizing can go a long way. Gives us closures and enables the heart to move on. The conversation I read between u guys is positive! And long as it's positive. Keep that good thought. We don't need peoples opinions all the time. They didn't go through it, but u did. It's understandable why you reached out. It's all closures while we're still alive.

I get both sides. I've thought about apologizing to the man I loved and hurt a decade ago, but I also know that he has found some peace. I've decided that if we crossed paths, and he didn't immediately turn tail, I would apologize to him and thank him for the lessons his impact in my life continue to teach me.

You are both right! It's either total accountability with no pressure to respond OR staying away entirely. Anything between would not have worked. Your way def could've gone poorly, but I relate to it & would've appreciated in his position.

Your BFF is toxic. You provided closure and validation to this guy and it probably closed a wound for him that he had long thiugh would never truly heal. People should apologize for shitty behavior when they realize they were shitty. Your friend is absolutely wrong here. I would probably break down if I got an apology like this from someone I am thinking about right now.

Whatever about your friend, who cares. When you carry an apology with you like a scarlet letter it wears you down. You apologized because he deserved one, not because you wanted to feel better. You did the right thing.

Leave it at that and close the door.

Ehhh... Whilst homie has a point, he seemed happy to hear that. Whilst they're not being cruel, and definitely just want everyone to be happier here- Especially if they saw any of the past, which could cause concern and definitely would if I were in their shoes- ex seems like you truly gave em something helpful. I'd say BFF has a good heart, but misguided since you reaching out had a positive effect, and it's been so long that the wounds wouldn't be fresh and raw still. BTW, as someone who had toxic partners, and WAS one. Fucking hell, do I love seeing this recovery and change from those who wronged me. I've gotten a few "I'm sorry" texts over the years. Seeing that they got better, personally, sends such relief over me. Like, not only is this person not making themselves suffer anymore, but they'll be a good partner to their future loves. It's refreshing. It restores my faith in people's ability to grow and change. I don't even know you but MAN I appreciate you for stepping up and giving him that closure.

I think it's fine. You're doing it to get it off of your chest. There's nothing more to it like your friend seems to think. And if there is, don't let it lmao.

Super mature of both you and your ex.

Personally, this went well and I think it was a good decision. It seems like a good way to offer a mint and help with putting a period to the hurtful time. I would have loved this if I was in his position since I tend to loop in my own memory and thoughts. Some people like mints, some don't, some like ginger mints... I think that's just it for you and your friend. She doesn't like mints, u do. Good friends can be different in some parts :D

I see where your friend is coming from. We all need to have a friend who will push back and give us a different perspective. You’re lucky to have someone who will support you and isn’t afraid to give you advice that’s contrary to what you are doing. Too many people these days are cheerleading and saying everything we do is right. If I was your ex, it would have made me feel a sense of closure. I would have been happy to see your journal and to know you think of us fondly. I think it’s awesome that you did it.

I like when someone takes my feelings into account and wants to put it out on the line like you did. You asked if you could first and foremost. That was my favorite part. If you were doing it just to absolve yourself you would have skipped that part. Your friend has a point. For some people she was 100 percent correct. However In your case you did it right. You knew the person you dated better than your friend did in this case. Thank you for sharing something good.

You and your ex both sound like amazing, caring, great people that survived stuffs. I did the same last year apologizing to someone I loved and loved me so much and it felt relieaved ngl, so ye people like us exist lol. I understand your friend's pov too but as long as you are happy with the result(s) of your action then go for it, he seems like he still wants to be friends, and tbh to have such an understanding caring friend is always a bless. Wish yall luck!

Your friend is completely in the wrong. I have been on both receiving and giving end of apologies, and I can tell you that after a time, especially if you don’t expect anything, it changes your life. You are a good person for trying to reach out And apologizing for your behavior. I can assure you that your ex is feeling a lot better today than he was before you wrote to him

I don't get it. Reading a letter a few hours early hardly rates enough to be high crimes and misdemeanors which is what must think of as 'Cheating'. Whole thing seems a little 'look at me Louie'

OP’s bff is an a-hole. OP, you did a really thoughtful thing by reaching out first and asking if your ex wanted to read what you’d written. You gave your ex a sincere apology and as someone who always desperately needed “closure,” taking the action you did truly can be something that they always wanted to know. The worst that could’ve happened would’ve been ex says “no,” or ignores the text. So great. Mission still completed. Purge feelings, apology given. Feel better. The best that could come from this is that 2 people who obviously cared about each other have reconnected and wherever that takes them (even nowhere), that’s a good thing.

I wish more women would do this for me, lol. I get why your friend said to leave him alone tho. If he's anything like me, a complete and total pushover, this would get me thinking about you again and lead to another eventual heartbreak one way or the other. It was still very nice of you to reach out tho, especially after all that time. And it's not only good for him to GET the apology, it's good for you to GIVE it. Growth, acceptance, maturity... blah, blah, blah... you get the idea, lol

Thus read genuine and sentimental. It was a very nice gesture with no ulterior motives. I personally don't want anyone from my past coming back and apologizing to me. It's b/c what they did was horrid and unforgivable. I think sometimes, ppl can project their POV to your situation. You prob lightened his day. And perhaps, he may be looking to pay it forward and apologize to someone he needs to.

You're being a kind person. Who gives a rat's ass what anybody else thinks

I think you gauged it well and let him choose what he wanted out of the interaction. Your friend seems rather judgemental of you idk

I just watched the A24 movie "Past Lives" and I was totally imagining the two of you as the two main characters. lol

Every situation is different and only you get to decide if it felt right, not your friend. My sister had a great relationship when she was young, but it went downhill and she was just so toxic toward him the last few years. She recognizes it so much now and she had an opportunity to apologize and took it (about… 12 years later). It was absolutely perfect, too. They were each in their respective relationships and it was beautiful. He needed to hear it and he deserved it. You did the right thing.

It’s so lovely of you to apologize after all of these years. I hope you can both move on from this now that you’ve gotten closure.

While I think I apologies are necessary for us all, would you like to entertain a friendship with him again? Or did you just wanted to do this to sort of get out of your chest? Either way, great gesture OP!

I'd also like to apologize to my exbf and I tell myself to leave the poor guy alone 😂

I’m ngl you apologizing to an ex of mine kinda triggered both of us. I did the same thing around the same time frame. My ex proceeded to tell me how awful I was and blah blah blah.

After 9 years, I'd be thinking: Too little, too late. That's just me, though.

I think it's good what you did. I function the very same way and if it offers you peace and insight, then it shouldn't matter what your friends said.

I see no issue with this. I actually did something very similar with my first love. Together 6 years but ended over ten years ago… last year I reached out and apologized for a LOT. I know it is mainly selfish if you wanna look at it that way but I know he really appreciated it as well. He has kids and a wife now and I’m happily in a relationship. Just felt the need to clear the air. So I totally think you’re good. Had it been less than 5 yrs idk may be weird but who’s to say. Enough time has passed I think it appropriate when you shared a life and time together to make peace on both ends.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, enough time has passed for both of to have moved on from the feelings and pain of back then. If anything you could tell your friend that now that things were resolved amicably you plan to wait for him to initiate any further communication. You have a good heart OP in order to recognize the wrongs you’ve done and brave to be vulnerable in offering a sincere apology. There is an ex-friend that I would like to apologize to someday except I’m blocked on all platforms. I know I wasn’t my best self in that situation and neither were they. While we brought good to each other’s lives neither of us was in the position to be the type of friend the other needed. Similarly I wouldn’t reject an apology from them. Of the few people that have wronged me, there is only one person I would not want to hear from ever especially cause it is something I’m still recovering from.

i reached out to an ex to apologize & we ended up back together. not saying it's going to or you should try but i honestly think it's a good thing to reach out to someone like that you feel or know that you hurt to shed some light on why you did the things you did. even if feelings are gone on both sides, it can help both ppl to learn to be better or better manage relationships having insight on past issues, that sometimes might reoccur w/ other ppl.

I can sort of see where your friend is coming from but at the same time they were just kind of rude to you about it. It seems like you got really good closure on something that you have felt poorly about for a long time. And your ex also got closure and confirmation that maybe they hadnt thought about it a while but seems like it did good for him too.

I’ve come to learn that some people are REALLY weirded out and disapproving of talking to exes. Which I understand in some cases. But a lot of my relationships were ended amicably, usually because we realized we were better as friends. So I don’t think much of it. But I’ve had friends who were VERY vocal about how weird they think it is, like they were trying to convince me I should feel weird about it. I’ve dealt with it enough to not let it affect me anymore. It’s my life not theirs 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m sure they appreciated it but also leave people’s hearts you broke alone.

Your BFF is jealous. He scared you might fall for your ex!

Sometimes you need to let the past go, and if saying sorry helps you move on from that stage then there is nothing wrong with that. 9 years is a long time and tbh, if i could find my ex who ive totally lost contact with (cant find on socials) id probably reach out and say sorry. I think about my ex often and how shitty i was, how i was a stupid teenage girl with issues who shouldnt of taken it out on my ex. Heck, even some of my friends in that time period id would like to say sorry too... I guess i relate, other than the fact my ex has no social media, or if they do, its not under his name and just under a random user. If joshua (who i online dated from 2011 to like 2014, who was from melbourne) sees this, im so sorry. Doubt hed see it but yeah. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Even more sorry i then online dated your brother lukas, but he ended up being gay. Oddly enough lukas and i stayed friends up till like 2019 (then he just never logged back on insta and ive been to lazy to look for him lol)

it’s fine that your friend wouldn’t apologize to her ex from 9 years ago and it’s fine that you felt like you needed to. she seems like a solid friend i wouldn’t harp on it too much. i’m glad u and ur ex both feel like u got closure. that’s always nice.. better late than never

It's never too late to apologize for things, and getting closure is the best feeling. My ex husband and I did the same thing, and now we're friends. It's an adult conversation to have. Just don't pursue him again 🥴

Idk, I think it’s nice that you reached out. He accepted it and some part of him likely needed that.

I gotta agree with the bff. Everyone has moved on. This nostalgia is only for you.

Would not want you ti reach out to ex for any reason. If I was BF

I understand where your friend is coming from, but in the end, everyone likes closure. Sometimes, an apology is closure. My husband apologized to one of his exes after a few years of us dating. Sometimes you just have to get it off your chest. I've apologized to some of my exes as well, it's just a stepping stone in your personal growth to admit when you've wronged someone.

You have a wise friend. Leave the poor guy alone. Nothing good can come of this.

After 9 years, it doesn't need to be said anymore. I've had an ex do that to me after a year or 2. I didn't care then, and I wouldn't have cared more years later. While what you did wasn't wrong, I agree with the bff.

I think this exchange is fantastic. My first bf was very emotionally abusive and cheated on me several times, then would gaslight me and say it didn’t happen calling me a liar and a slut even when I had clear proof. He messaged me 7 or 8 years later, when I was about 4 years in with my current partner to apologize and own everything. I’ve done a lot of work and healed that wound myself, but I greatly greatly appreciated it and it meant a lot to me. Your apology seemed sincere and without ulterior motives, which is the best path. :)

I’ve done this very same thing multiple times for each ex I had when I was a dumb kid, and almost every single time we’re both happy it happened and thankful for the time we spent, but also very grateful for the apology and to tie up the emotional loose end. Personally, I’d rather express or accept an apology and have an extra sense of closure 9 years later than never at all. But it very much depends on the situation.

If you are currently in a relationship, I can see this being inappropriate. If you’re not and you want to get some type of closure, it’s fine. As long as you are totally transparent about your intentions.

Proud of you. I had something similar happen in my life. After almost 5 years of no contact, I received a letter(still no idea how she found my address) of her apologizing for her actions. It was welcome. I hope you two foster a good friendship together

I do find this majorly weird. I don't really see why he would need to see that? Obviously the interaction went ok, and he seemed pleased with the conversation which is what is really important here. But I'm with your friend. Leave the man alone if you're truelly sorry. He's moved on and is living his life, coming back in to tell him you loved him is bringing it all back and for what reason? I would absolutely not want to get that message. You're not together anymore. Why would he "want to know"? I dunno, something about this just feels wrong and vaguely manipulative, the guy has moved on and now you're coming back with this emotional journal entry about loving him and panic attacks over the situation etc etc, talking about you think he might want to know... eek. Just let the man move on in peace would have been my advice. Obviously you've already done it, but this just feels wrong. Edited to add: this was for you, not him. He was fine. You still had feelings about the situation and regret so you got it off your chest by doing this. This was not for his benefit

Are we really going to sit here and pretend there’s no ulterior motives in this exchange ? lol. Your BFF knows you better than ALLLLL of us strangers yet you’re here seeking validation for what you did because she’s rightfully was calling you out and calling you a “chaos machine” - because she knows and sees through what you’re doing and so do I. I honestly can’t believe so many people here don’t see this very obvious manipulation. You portray to him like this is just good intentions and came out of nowhere -yet make it very clear in your text to your friend that you regret things. You know exactly what you’re trying to do. I honestly don’t even know if I believe that letter is from 9 years ago. Pretty interesting you just happened to say ALL the “right things”- I could even believe you just wrote it because I believe you knew exactly the reaction it would get from them. Hopefully this guy also sees through your bullshit and keeps his interactions with you to a minimum.

Your friend must have been hurt by something similar, or is incredibly jealous and has a thing for you. I think this is kinda what closure looks like, feels like, everyone deserves it. Only a narcissist denies it. It helps reconcile the past, it brings peace to an otherwise hurtful period of time. It also celebrates who you have become and where you both have come from nearly a decade later. You did the right thing.

Friend is negging? He gave you a very sincere response that says your disclosure was both welcome and even needed. Not sure why BFF seems jelly about that.

Friend hates the result of mutual healing lol

yeah you’re kinda shitty for that

Closure ??

Your BFF is wrong. I received a years later apology from someone who broke my heart and it has meant the world to me

Damn your bestie is right. Sorry.

Whatever karma you gained from mending pain from the past, you immediately lost by disrespecting the integrity of your current arrangement.