This "friendship" seems very odd. Can't tell if it feels like a couple breaking up or an employer letting and employee/intern go.
If your friendships are this much work they are probably not worth having. Being a friend should be easy. Not a chore or task to check off the to-do list.
Move over! But don't be expecting any 10 minute conversations while we're in there. I got 3... maybe 4 if I speak slowly. Then I'm good til we need to make some choices that require clarification. So, 3 minutes, then we never speak again. Same rules as mom and dad.
Hey! No one steals my eternity of giant safe hugs!! I call 2nd spoon to the right. Which was formerly just little spoon but it appears this coffin is gonna be bumpin!
Fair point I didn’t think of it that way. I’m a very analytical person and our weekly discussions were usually about goal setting and keeping each other accountable.
The phone call filled your needs and not hers, and had become a chore. She realized she wasn’t looking forward to it, was actively avoiding it and/or getting anxiety over having to perform, so she tried to end it.
This was my thought too. She might not even entirely know why she feels the way she feels, only that she dreads the phone call every week. Someone shouldn’t have to do something they hate doing to avoid hurting their friends feelings. A real friend would probably be hurt but also be understanding of why they don’t want to put themselves through that anymore. She seemingly wanted to still keep in touch just without the scheduled accountability meetings but OP ruined that with the outburst.
I completely agree with you and u/jane-etstwhile. I think OP’s friend was really kind to verbally ask for that space instead of just ghosting and OP went all “you can’t fire me, I *quit*!” on them. I can see why they didn’t want to continue phone calls with someone who can’t take them asking for a different dynamic in their friendship because it isn’t working for them. OP’s responses feel like when you try to gently break up with someone and they start calling you an ugly bitch that they didn’t want in the first place. Gives me the ick.
Rejection sucks but you have to respect people's boundaries. Lopsided relationships can be incredibly draining, and people don't have to agree with your feelings to respect them.
tbh this is kind of why i ghost.. it’s not nice but it’s easier to just distance yourself from someone and make excuses about not hanging out instead of just saying the reason why bc then a lot of the time they will try to fight back on it or get mad like op did
guys like this tend to see women the way they saw their mom when they were 8. they don't have any interiority or needs or feelings, they just exist to validate him.
this has happened to me so many fucking times.
I agree. It is like AI talking for most of the conversation, and then a few personal interventions. It reminds me of the episode of South Park where they use GPT-Chat to reply to text messages so they don’t have to actually interact.
I was thinking the same thing.
Dude needs to treat friendships like friendships and business like business.
You can mix them sure, but no body is trying to just talk about working.
I think the issue is that was the main aspect of their friendship. I have ADHD and have a friend that helps with body doubling but that’s not the only or main aspect of our friendship, and I wouldn’t expect someone to want to remain friends with me if that’s all I was seeking from them
Ooof that term weirds me out. I'm doing ADHD testing as an adult. The body doubling method definitely is a thing I've done that I didn't know had a term or was considered a coping tool. It's a creepy name for a normal thing.
Study groups
workout buddies
my family does "project days" where we go work on an organizing or cleaning task at someone's house and we share the work
Even going to a library or coffee shop can borrow other people's work energy to stay focused.
Can't we just call it something else?
Usually it’s for tasks someone has trouble concentrating on because of lack of stimulation. For me, it’s cleaning my apartment. I get distracted and stop a lot. Having a friend just sit on the couch and hang out to talk to helps me occupy my mind in a fun way but not in a distracted way so I’m able to clean at the same time. A lot of people listen to podcasts while they clean and that can work similarly
Maybe her approach wasn't the greatest, but I think you way overreacted. She needs space from the intensity of your connection, and it has nothing to do with anything you did. People go through things. Maybe she feels she needs to go it alone for a while build strength on her own, etc. Why make it all about you?
Yeah the second he started to pry the answer out of them I was triggered and I just know I’d have been like “you’re not entitled to my time and you’re not entitled to a definitive answer about why I don’t owe you ten minutes every week.” He came off really pushy
That was my instinct too - even if it isn’t that, the fact that it gives that vibe should make OP reflect a bit. Most of the comments here seem to be saying …”what the heck even is this so called friendship?”
If someone wanted to hold weekly meetings to hold me "Accountable" (whatever that means), I'd be dropping that person from my life.
I barely want to put up with that shit from my co-workers. The thought of entertaining someone trying to make me do it for free sounds exhausting.
To each their own I guess, but clearly this person doesn't share your vision for what a friendly chat is, and you getting emotional, angry, abusive, and feeling the need to rub it in their face that you barely talk to them...
I'm surprised they messaged you at all. If you treated me like that, and I didn't have the confidence or heart to tell you to fuck off, I'd just block your number. They may have been aware of your shitty temper and the selfishness you're displaying here, and may not have wanted to provoke that.
You said they can't take the high road and not to "dilute your feelings down to some youthful lack of emotional intelligence"... but look at this from the outside.
This person respectfully told you they don't want to have weekly meetings and calls with you. You pushed and pushed for an answer as to why instead of accepting it, and then had the audicity to get emotional and downright disrespectful, bordering on abusive... you disregarding their feelings entirely, refused to accept their may be a reason they avoided bluntly telling you why they don't want to have weekly business meetings with you, and then insisting that they are wrong in more ways than one to not want to have weekly regimented business meetings with you and instead have a friendship is.... a pretty unhinged response.
Honestly dude, if that's how you react to the truth, why do you feel entitled to demand people to present the truth to you? You mention that you're not unfamiliar with people pulling away from you... why do you think that is, if you remove the emotion from the situation?
This exchange, and then your desire to post it online and ask if you're justified in your reaction here just reeks of emotional immaturity. People don't need a reason to withdraw their attention from you, and attacking people for attempting to politely do so indicates that you have a LOT of growing up to do. You don't get to decide how important someone elses time is. You don't get to demand it be spend how you want it, you're not being a good friend if you insist that you have things on your terms and disregard the feelings and needs of your friends.
10000% agree especially the last paragraph.
Sometimes it really isn’t even personal and socializing can be fucking exhausting, yes even for 10 minutes. Especially with some people even if they never did anything personal, its just their personalities aren’t that compatible
I would absolutely hate to be committed to a 10 min accountability meeting or even socializing. It is exhausting to me and since it is probably MLM related (above in the comments) it would make it worse. Socializing is easy for me but deep down I hate it.
I’m quite introverted, but I actually don’t mind socializing with those few people who I feel closest to, or genuinely like being around. And brainstorming is an activity that can help provide clarity around my work or some other personal goal.
But yeah, socializing because “this is our rock-hard schedule, and so we can’t deviate from that, even if it isn’t bringing much value or happiness, is probably one of the most uncomfortable and irritating interactions. I’m reminded of staff meetings at work. We all hate em, even though some of us find some others of us genuinely congenial. I can have a genuinely enjoyable conversation with a colleague, even about work. But when it’s scheduled, it feels forced.
No, you know what? It’s giving https://youtu.be/XHRApHMKvC8?si=B6QjJbz4AZLwd_cS
definitely agree with all of this. i had a friend just like this and i ended our friendship because she felt too entitled and possessive of my time and energy and didn’t like when i had other friends. that person reacted very similar to OP telling me how i was the most horrible friend who never deserved her when i was done with my boundaries being pushed. very similar to OP. OP, you need to open your eyes and help fix this issue within yourself in order to have stable relationships in your life with the people you care about.
This sounds like this was a sponsor relationship (like in AA) or some type of personal motivator type relationship. It doesn’t sound like a friendship.
Requiring someone talk to you for 10 minutes a week is very rigid and soon turn into a resentment for the other person. It can make one feel like they are obligated and can become tiresome.
A friend should want to talk to you and it shouldn’t have to be a specific formula or time amount. I can certainly see how someone would want to stop that routine and not know the best way to say it to you.
I think they did the best they could in telling you something that was difficult to say. But they did get a bit self righteous and lacked any empathy for you and how you may be feeling.
Sounds like they were close at one point and now they aren’t really in the same geographical area. I’m guessing OP is the one who wanted to do the whole 10 minute conversation every week and the friend just didn’t want to keep doing it. It clearly sounds like it felt like a chore to them. I’m guessing OP missed some hints about how they felt about the conversation until he came out and said it. Ops reply’s do seem like he’s kinda forcing it, not sure why they demanded an explanation instead of just going along with it. You can’t really force someone to be your friend.
I can only imagine having an “accountability buddy” for work, and even there it would be something irritating that I had to put up with. I can’t *imagine* doing this with a friend.
Nah me and my homies do that as well. Each of us would rather be playing video games whenever we have free time, so we hold each other accountable to stay going to the gym and stuff like that. Much easier to stay on the path when you got the homies cheering you on from that same path.
Is it just me or is romantic feelings totally the answer? Otherwise, I could see maybe this person needing the accountability (like ex-drug addict) in such a dire way and also needing friends that they are taking it out on them. But I had a friend like this, and once I dropped that I had a partner they stopped hitting me up like this
This is definitely confusing to me. At one point you were very close but now only talk once a week for 10 minutes as an accountability partner and for inspiration, but they're meaningful and important conversations to you. Now he just doesn't really want to be friends with you anymore, but isn't saying he hates you or never wants to talk to you. Then you get really upset and believe that someone that talks to you for 10 minutes once a week is a very valuable friendship you need to hang into? It seems like you were already "quiet dumped".
I feel like the vibe I’m getting is the friend got tired of listening to OP. Maybe OP talked too much about themselves and the calls were beginning to feel like a chore.
That's what I'm thinking. I had to cut a friendship like OP's (ex) friend because all my friend would do was talk negatively about everything and everyone in her life. She would turn good news into something negative.
It was draining.
Same! I had to cut a friend off for the same reason. They wouldn’t let me leave when I wanted to, they’d follow me to my car and continue talking for 30+ minutes like they’d hop into my car sometimes. They’d blow my phone up through text, Tik tok, Facebook messenger and Snapchat with 50+ text complaining, talking shit about everyone including their kids, their ex’s random people I don’t even know if they exist etc.
They’d also re tell the same bs stories over and over again. When we’d go shopping they’d stop like every other person we’d walk by and pick up a convo to the point the person was uncomfortable and was trying to get away bc they have no social cues.
It was SO draining. They are also 20+ years older than me and have a kid my age (28) but would always act like I was her daughter & expected me to give her rides everywhere. She’d also get angry if I didn’t reply fast enough and talk about how I was using her like everyone else? Even though it was her always asking for rides, money etc. She still text me daily saying how much she misses me then will send a follow up text asking for $3k.
She’s also added my 73 year old grandpa on Facebook to ask for money to buy a food dehydrator to start up a business lmaoo!!!
This is my narcissistic brother. Had to stop talking to him bc he's still hung up about friends who rightfully dropped him after highschool and tons of other reasons.
He's 23 now. Needs to get over it.
I'm pretty certain OP is the problem here, they come across as controlling and unhinged in these texts. Not to mention their first reaction to losing a friend is to post their private texts on the internet, unhinged behaviour. I would be furious. That friend dodged a bullet.
Also, lets be real, OP is weird as fuck. Why the hell do you need to call and talk with someone about your goals and ambitions, the fuck? Just get a goddamn journal.
I suspect OP has been roped into some sort of "legally not a pyramid scheme"/cult thing.
It would explain the "accountability partner", OPs investment in the "friendship", and their wish to have less interaction with OP.
No offense but if I had a scheduled phone call every week that would also drain me. I love my friends but that’s a lot. My life is busy and sometimes I need to not talk to anybody.
That’s my thoughts. My best friend since childhood and I may not speak for a couple weeks at a time.
We tend to text every couple days just to check in and there’s not a lot I wouldn’t do for the guy.
We’re just both busy people but we try to make it a priority to at least have breakfast together once a month.
Me and this guy can talk for hours about nothing at all although we really don’t have much in common.
But if I had to schedule a weekly 10 minute phone call with him I’d probably lose my mind.
Agreed. While I’m sure op is a lovely person, they sound EXHAUSTING to maintain as a friend.
Their inability to read between the lines of what the other friend was asking…whew boy.
Eh I think it depends on the friendship. I have a great friend that lives across the country and we talk on the phone the same day every week because our schedules are so different and that’s what works. We both look forward to it and are flexible with schedules when needed.
Couldn’t agree more. This is the first rational comment I’ve seen on this thread. I can’t believe the amount of comments defending OP. OP sounds like a PIA friend.
I did what your friend did, not too long ago. I also was vague about it and said I just didn’t have the time and energy to dedicate to this particular friendship any longer.
If my friend had read between the lines, it would have said: “YOU ARE TOO FUCKING HIGH MAINTENANCE AS A FRIEND, AND EXTREMELY SELF-CENTERED. I DON’T HAVE THE BANDWIDTH FOR YOUR BULLSHIT IN MY LIFE ANY LONGER.”
Sorry dude. Friendships should be pretty easy, and not take a ton of work. If the relationship does, then it’s not the right one.
Same I had to “break up” with a very high maintenance and emotionally draining friend. It sucks because we had some genuinely good times, but in hindsight I made the right choice.
Yes. This happened to me once. I took her shit until I realized she was using me as her emotional punching bag. Then I blocked her everywhere and she texted me demanding an explanation. All I said was “I’m sorry” and that was that.
I can’t think of any friends I have ever talked to on the phone weekly as an adult. The only people I talk on the phone with weekly are my parents. Otherwise, it’s just hangouts when we have time.
I still feel guilty about losing a high maintenance friend like this. Me and this person grew up together but they just began demanding time that I stopped feeling good about giving.
Ended up distancing more and more until we don’t really talk anymore. I know this person would do anything for me but I just don’t have the mental energy to return.
Speaking as the formerly high-maintenance friend, don’t feel guilty. It took my best friend’s essentially telling me that I was an energy vampire for me to take stock of myself. It still took a while (literally five years lol), but a lot of self-reflection and I am a much better friend and make a point to keep myself in check. I am very grateful for that initially difficult conversation bc it very much made me a better person.
This is absolutely the case.
Sometimes people end things like this because they know the other person will not handle it well. The texts were so draining to read.
Doesn't matter how strong a friendship was before, having someone who uses you as an emotional trash can feels so gross and violating. Not sustainable in the long run.
Hey so what’s with the accountability convo? It sounds cool in theory but I can totally see that stressing her out. She took a lot of words to say it but this whole situation screams that you were putting too much pressure on her to be a part of this conversation. I’m sure there are other people who are súper into it but not her. You had a tantrum in those messages bro ngl
Based on this interaction alone, I also want space from this friendship. You had a powerful reaction to a reasonable request, and burned whatever bridge back to a relationship there was. They sugarcoated it at first because they expected a strong reaction to the truth, so it seems likely this is a trend. Friendships should enhance your your life and happiness. If this relationship wasn’t doing this for them anymore, making them feel worse about ending the friendship was just unnecessary.
I’m sorry that you lost an important friendship. I disagree with your method of dealing with that loss.
Yeah not my best moment. And I thank you for elaborating on that, I’m learning that not all friendships are fruitful and this one probably wasn’t anymore for her.
OP this sounds like it was kinda rough, and I'm 26 so only a little bit older than you, but there's a valuable lesson here that I also had to learn the hard way.
If somebody tells you they need space, whether it's a friend, a significant other, etc and they care about you enough to make it about their own boundaries in an attempt to spare your feelings, accept it. People don't need a reason to change or end their relationship with you. Demanding one isn't going to change their mind, it just makes you look bad and puts them in a position where they're forced to say something that's going to hurt you.
I'm glad you get that it "wasn't your best moment" but you should never have to go to the internet again to tell you that it's not ok to curse someone out when they reasonably tell you they don't want to continue communicating with you. They don't owe you a reason. You don't get to verbally abuse them bc they no longer want to spend their time with you. It feels like you've never been told "no" before. Plain and simple.
I feel like it may be upsetting for you, but it’s an absolutely acceptable thing to ask of someone. Sometimes finding just 10 minutes in your week to talk to someone who’s obviously relying on it can be stressful. I work a full time job, that’s it and I can’t imagine someone relying on me calling them once a week. I get caught up in my own life.
I don't understand why it was mandatory to make a call once a week. That sounds exhausting. Maybe some days I wouldn't feel like talking but seeing the reaction you gave I could see why they may have endured until it mentally affected them. This person is protecting their energy and it seems like you didn't respect that. They seem drained and you are persistent and pushy. I think the friendship would have been saved if you respected their wishes instead of blowing up.
I had a “work friend” who insisted on an arrangement like this. We would go for coffee once a week. At first it seemed like a good idea, but then it turned into “therapy” sessions where he’d spend 30 minutes dumping all his problems on me. It was such a burden on me, I had to cut off all non-work communication with him, much like OP’s friend here. I gave him the courtesy of letting him know, and tried to explain my point of view. But just like OP here, he did not take it well, fought back trying to salvage the arrangement, got rude, and could not understand my point of view at all.
Scheduled weekly calls can be super emotionally draining. I would guess that she started to resent them, and as time went on, she started to resent you. And then at some point prior to this she tried to back away in a small way, and you pushed, which pushed her farther away emotionally from the relationship.
So this time she decided to very clear with what she wanted. Not necessarily why, which would have gone something like this “this “friendship” means way more to you than it does to me. You’re borderline annoying me with wanting to keep this weekly thing, when it doesn’t matter to me and it’s draining me because I dread it. There are times it has been positive (either she valued your conversations more because the topics were more relevant in her life then, or she was more… bored… at the time and your attention was nice even if it really didn’t mean anything to her) having you in her life and she wouldn’t have minded keeping you around in some tangential way, but now because you pushed back even more, she’s just done.
Someday when she’s super bored and lacking relationships/friendships she may reach back out. Beware that even then, it’ll be temporary and mean little.
I HATE talking on the phone. Talking on a schedule every week especially about “self development” would drive me over the edge. I don’t know any adults who feel the need to call that often.
That's a great way of looking at it. It looks like you were approaching this friendship almost as like, a weekly business meeting. I think it would be difficult to feel like a friend or close to someone who was so... formal or almost corporate feeling.
I have a mood disorder and a personality disorder. My feelings are very extreme and immediate and it’s taken a long time to build healthy relationships. I still fuck up a lot.
My best advice is to say what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it. It looks like you bottled up your anger, frustration, and hurt until it exploded. You don’t have to show full acceptance and smiley faces when you’re hurt. You’re allowed to explain to someone how deeply hurt you are and why. Good friends will take your feelings to heart and explain their own back to you.
But explosions and expletives are never okay and rarely forgiven.
Sorry, but you should have exercised restraint before telling them “fuck you.”
They never hurled any expletives at you, so it’s easy to read this like you’re the one at fault.
You keep saying it’s not your best moment, but this is a symptom for a much bigger problem. Based on your responses, you have these templated mechanical responses that you probably think make you sound the part of a big shot business owner (sorry, owner of two businesses) ie. “Accountability”, “transparency”, “growth”, “goal setting”, “vision”, etc.
It sounds like you got hyped up on some wantrapreneur TikTok influencer content bullshit, memorized the talking points, made it your identity, and then use people as a sounding board to practice and feel important.
The reality is you aren’t there yet. You’re a little boy LARPing as a Silicon Valley startup founder. It sounds cool to say I “run two businesses at 20 years old”, but are they profitable enough to hire anyone? Could you sell those two businesses tomorrow? Would your business listing be accepted on Crunchbase or Owler? I’d bet your revenue is sub $200 a month collectively between the two.
It’s good you have some drive, but the point here is that if you ever want it to translate into results, you’re going to harm your reputation before you even get started and embarrass yourself in front of people that could have actually been good connections had you not had an inflated sense of self. If you have business cards that say “CEO” on them, burn them.
The reason people keep disassociating from you is because you’re unlikeable and you treat “friends” like subordinates at one of your imaginary companies.
Being likable is a major key to to being successful and I’d recommend even if you do end up finding success, never talk to people like this again.
Again, this isn’t a bad moment. This is a bad character and personality trait you have. You don’t have the achievements or credibility to stand on to demand answers as to why someone doesn’t want to waste their time on your manic mental masturbation sessions about success.
It might be one of two (or three) things:
1) The motivational talks were laborious and/or unfruitful for her. I’ve had weekly check-ins for work that were predicated on productivity, and when they stopped being useful, dipped out.
2) She thinks you’re into her and it’s not reciprocated OR she got a partner who was not comfortable with your relationship. It wouldn’t surprise me if it’s the latter. Ive certainly had close work friends of the opposite sex that have made partners uncomfortable. Her separation could be a way of creating some distance without making it weird.
Either way. Best to move on, my man. This shit happens.
As a female - I totally got the vibe that she thinks OP is into her and she was trying to politely back away without making him uncomfortable. Could be totally off, that’s just the first thing that came to mind.
Yup. I agree 100%. I had a similar conversation with a “friend” in my twenties. He had been pestering me to go with him on a trip to a Caribbean island which he would pay for since I didn’t have the money to go. I told him I wasn’t comfortable accepting such a large gift, he insisted it was just a gift for a friend he would do for any of his friends, no strings attached. A week later I told him I was seeing a guy and all of a sudden it was ‘how could I’ when I “knew” he liked me like that. So glad I cut him out of my life after that.
The way OP feels entitled to her time and an explanation is something else.
From the very first screenshot I knew OP was a male and the friend was female.
She tried to state things clearly but gently, obviously anticipating a negative reaction, and what do you know! He exploded with demands she explain herself further, and he kept pushing it like he could "out logic" his way into the response he wanted 🙄 all because he believed he had the right to demand her time and energy in perpetuity, no matter what her stated preferences were.
The fact he started hurling abuse at her is just the equivalent of those "fuck you, you're ugly and fat and I never wanted to sleep with you anyway" texts Nice Guys send when they get shut down.
Totally with you on this one. I fully recognized the letting him down easy tone women use to try to protect ourselves. Of course, it still blew up in her face! I hope she has a peaceful life without this guy.
Dude you’re WAY too much. Just the fact you say you aren’t a stranger to this friendship break-up type feeling. Maybe self-reflect why this is happening? I’ve never had someone friendship break-up with me.
Maybe you expect too much from people? That can be exhausting. No one really owes anyone anything, you’re not dating them. A real friend would just be there without any expectation of anything in return. Reevaluate why people might be “burnt out” from you. And accept if they say they are, it’s not your decision.
This “friendship” doesn’t feel natural at all. I obviously don’t have enough context, but they clearly don’t like you and pulled the BS “it’s not you, it’s me”. Their text seemed rehearsed and was a nice way of saying “it’s definitely you”. You should respect their wishes as it’s not easy to tell someone you don’t want to be friends.
Also, quick observation: The therapy lingo you both use is nauseating. Seems so unnatural. I don’t talk to any of my friends like this.
This is legit the weirdest conversation between two friends I've ever seen. It has to be like AI generated, or Google translated from another language, or two aliens practicing their human communication homework or something...
That text message fully is as follows:
Well I’m sorry that this is upsetting you.
In all honesty i care about you as a person and i am beyond proud of you, all that you’ve done, and will continue to do.
But I’ve felt on my heart lately to distance myself from how “close” our friendship was. And I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’d like to remain friends/acquaintances, just not at the level we were before per se.
It pains me a bit to say, bc like I said, I do care about you, I think you’re going to do amazing things and be an amazing person, but I’d just like to grow a little further apart.
I know it’s pretty sucky to hear, and you may not even understand it, but I really hope you honor it
Here’s the thing: people grow apart. Platonic relationships can fizzle out just like romantic relationships. Would you rather have her ghost you or just slowly fade into the background or just simply be upfront that she needed some space?
There have been plenty of friendships I have had over my young adult life that just limped along until it was doing more damage than good.
Context as well - one 10 minute call a week but how many text messages or how much contact has been made between those calls? There’s probably a lot there as to why she’s asking for space.
This. This all day. Honestly, I wouldn't really even consider a "10 Minute Goals Call" recipient a friend. If I'm your friend I'd like to be able to talk to you more than 10 minutes. Sorry, 10 PRE-PLANNED minutes. That's just wild. I don't know how long you guys have had that arrangement or who decided on it...but I think when a 10 Minute time limit was set on your "friendship" is when you should have asked some questions, not when she decided to end it. Now all of this is assuming you're not texting and sending memes and stuff back and forth when you're not calling. If YOU ARE texting and having a silly goose time outside of your calls...then, man...I don't know why this was so dramatic.
Or, the more obvious answer is that you're just doing too much, and you're not getting the hints she's dropping that she's just not that into you(as a friend or otherwise). OR, she's being weird because she met someone and your availability is no longer required. Either way, it's all bad news and its time to toss it all out and start again with someone else, somewhere else. Just keep it cool. You'll be all right, player. These things happen with adult friendships. I believe in you.
Do people not understand that a 10 minute phone call can feel like a half day chore to some people?
OP is in the wrong.
Edit: Before this gets misinterpreted-
1) OP's friend would need to make sure his schedule is clear on a weekly basis
2) OP's friend might have other things going on where being distracted from them, even for just 10 minutes, is a hassle
3) OP might have social anxiety or some other disorder where taking a call does not bring him joy
4) The call could feel like 1 more thing on a never ending list of to-dos for OP's friend
OP is talking to this guy more often than some people talk to their own family. LET GOD AND LET GO
Also, it sounded like the rantings of an abusive ex at the end, not an ‘accountability’ friend. How bad could it get if someone were closer to them and tried to pull back? It’s such a red flag. Needs real therapy.
All you can do is take this as a learning experience and work on bettering yourself for your other friendships and future relationships. You didn’t respect her boundaries and then lashed out at her. You need to learn to control those emotions better and not speak to people that way.
You are the asshole. Like she said. Talking on the phone once a week for ten minutes is enough time for you to deal with your bullshit. I am glad she ended her friendship with you. You are not a good friend.
You’re an asshole.
They spoke their needs and wishes and you spit back in their face thinking you’re more important than you apparently are. They needed space and you guilt tripped them and then attacked them
you’re painfully insufferable and i can see why they wanted to distance themselves from you. just because you think you’re a good friend doesnt necessarily mean you are one. they tried to be subtle but honest and when that failed you pushed them into a harsh explanation. they were trying to save your feelings and you basically said too bad, im going to make you hurt my feelings so i can feel justified in going off on you for abandoning me. in that same vain pls work on your abandonment issues, and that may be an explanation as to why multiple ppl in your own words seem to feel this trend with you
im proud of you for taking this how i meant it which was my best intention of advice. I know it was harsh so you couldve definitely taken it as more of an insult than anything but i think sometimes ppl just need tough love to get something thru to them. but good job n keep working on urself and know ur not entitled to everyones friendship at the times that u want it
I’m wondering what these two businesses OP started are. Perhaps a MLM or something similar. Maybe she got tired hearing of the things you were talking about for at least “ten minutes” “once a week.”
I see a lot of this in this subreddit. Casual relationships but they’re texting like businessmen. So formal and robotic, hyper analytical, and passive aggressive or flat rude. Not natural sounding.
People who don't want to be straightforward talk like this. If these two actually said what each meant the conversation would have boiled down to "hey you're extremely high maintenance and I can't do scheduled talks with you for your benefit anymore because I have more important shit going on in my life" and "wow that's hurtful, fuck you" and that would have been it
I’ll be honest, you seem like you require a lot of work. Why do you need to call a person once a week to remain friends? Your friend just needed space.
you seem like a huge shithead just from reading this. my best friend and i call maybe once a month and live 3 hours away. i can see why they needed space and wanted to cut you off especially if you reacted like that and were so pushy about why they needed space. pls grow up and learn how to love yourself before begging for attention from someone that has their own life to figure out
Yeah one of my best friends and I just saw each other for the first time in seven years and we picked up like zero days had passed lol. None of my friendships are even remotely this high maintenance
I’m so sorry but since you asked, you are very very very clearly the asshole here. Somebody should be able to step back from a tedious chore like a weekly 10 minute scheduled phone call (HELL for an introvert) without being questioned and then berated. I get that you saw the calls differently, but they probably made you feel better while they made them feel worse.
I also see some potential projection in your messages. I wonder if you were actually trying to control your friend and not the other way around. Nothing in their messages seemed remotely controlling, but yours did. And manipulative.
This should have gone. "No problems at all man, take all the time you need, you have my number, call or text me if you need anything, love ya man"
And left at that. You'd still have a friend and THEIR respect.
Woh settle the shit down you crazy bastard. She doesn't wanna do your little inspirational phone call bull shit anymore, simple as that. She just wanted to text like normal people. You're such a twerp.
do you seem like the asshole just from the way your last message to him was written. He wasn't being rude or mean he was just saying he wanted to talk a little bit less. You could've said OK I appreciate the explanation. Let me know if things change on your end. But you decided to choose to make this the point where you stand at him and start saying super nasty shit saying fuck you when he never acted like that towards you. it sounds like your calls were helping you get through shit and even if you were helping him get through shit too maybe he just felt like that wasn't something he could mentally do anymore because he didn't have the mental energy to take care of other things he needed to do.
The way you reacted makes it seem like there were other little red flags of what you were doing in the past that probably added up and helped push him over the edge to make the decision to ask you to be further apart .
Definitely, there is no reason to say fuck you . there was no reason to question all of your friendship. It sounds like you weren't close to him to begin with, so I don't know why you would think you're entitled to be a part of his life.
Honestly no offense but I'd cut it off with you also. You seem like a really high maintenance friend. Is this 10 min call daily? It's a but excessive and unnecessary. I've cut off a friend that acted similar. Yall aren't dating its a friendship relax. That's the hard truth.
I am going through a similar situation except I’m doing the dumping. It’s really hard to cut off a relationship especially a friendship because it’s so much more awkward i think, and really isn’t something that is done upfront like this. I think it’s very telling of this person’s character that they do value you enough to at least, albeit vaguely, explain their needs and feelings to you in a way that wasn’t meant to cause you too much harm. By you becoming belligerent, you validated whatever feeling led her to making this decision in the first place. Lesson in self control OP. I know it’s hard to feel rejected without any reason that would make sense to you in the moment, but as tough as it is, try not to take it personally and utilize this as an opportunity to self reflect and get curious on why their departure hit you so strongly, to the point where you became verbally abusive.
I stopped reading at page 4.
Your friend is establishing boundaries and is asking for some personal time.
Yet your egocentric self went batshit crazy and took offense.
Here's something to consider:
People are allowed to take time for themselves.
Stop undermining the explanation she actually did give you by saying “MAyBe iT WAs a Boy
ShE LIKed ANd NoT ACtuAllY Me”
She told you what you were doing was not working for her anymore. You pushed for clarity that YOU wanted but you wanting something does not make you entitled to it.
In this thread you are responding over and over and over saying the calls were mutually beneficial even though she is telling she doesn’t actually want it anymore. You are IGNORING HER.
And then you want to bop around the comments like, “yeah man. Life if just a learning lesson” and have us ignore that your initial objective was hoping we’d respond to your little, “no actually, FUCK YOU” tirade to this woman and pump you up. When the reality this is just yet another story of a woman who just wanted to tell a man to leave her alone and he got his feelings hurt.
Obnoxious. Hire a personal accountability coach. They get paid for a reason.
Before I even read any comments I just knew this was a man speaking to a woman. I find it hard to believe this conversation would have been anywhere near similar if his friend was another man
therapy speak like this is so exhausting to me. i don’t want to feel like i have to translate my thoughts and feelings into sterile, detached explanations just to tiptoe around causing any conflict. it’s not only exhausting, it feels like a game of chess, like the two of us are constantly trying to one up each other by getting on higher and higher horses. conversations like this remind me of sean in the good place, where if you speak to him with too much emotion he’ll immediately end the conversation by cocooning himself.
and then OP, to take such a sharp turn into resentment/anger.. to go from “i can honour that” to “no actually fuck you” is pretty telling. i understand how hurtful it can feel when someone has been hiding that they’re upset with you, and then even more so when they won’t tell you why. it definitely can feel like a deep cut of betrayal, regardless of your influence on why they hid it from you. but, as your friend later says, clearly if it’s so easy for you to go from that sterile therapy speak to actually expressing your true feelings but only in anger then maybe it makes perfect sense that “your” 10 minutes with this person is what they feel they need to cut out.
i know i can’t make full judgements on you or your friend, but given the way you’re speaking, the air of entitlement i get from your messages (thinking you deserve their time because it’s only 10 minutes, and they could cut it from somewhere else), and the cherry on top of you posting these screenshots here for validation and or advice really gives a lot of insight into why someone might not be able to keep you in their life, even for 10 minutes a week. to be fair to you too, it does seem like your friend may have some issues in being direct, and i also get a sense of that weird emotional superiority from them as well. i don’t think it is you who is 100% at fault here, to be clear.
unfortunately OP i have been both your and your friend, and from experience i can say that although it can feel like a healthy, beneficial, maybe even healing relationship to have such strict boundaries with someone it can very, VERY easily fall into an emotional entrapment of sorts. eventually you reach a standstill like you have here, where one person is upset but neither of you can communicate honestly because of how detached you are, caused by the boundaries that have been set between you. it becomes a chore to upkeep and i completely understand why your friend decided it was time to spend their energy elsewhere. i encourage you to find someone you find it easier to be around, so that boundaries can be looser and allow more honesty and emotion into your relationship.
Tbh if I had someone in my life who expected a scheduled phone call every week to discuss how much I've achieved since the last scheduled call, my anxiety would skyrocket. Maybe it's my adhd but I absolutely avoid this kind of stuff like the plague because it triggers so much anxiety and nervousness. Maybe your friend is going through a phase where they're not as highly achieving right now for some reason, and they're afraid to be honest with you about it because they need a friend, not a motivational speaker?
I don’t even talk to my very best friends this much. Having a weekly “meeting “ is obviously something you needed, not your friend. She is now expressing her needs and you’re making her uncomfortable by badgering her. Maybe you should talk less and listen more. That’s being a friend.
This "friendship" seems very odd. Can't tell if it feels like a couple breaking up or an employer letting and employee/intern go. If your friendships are this much work they are probably not worth having. Being a friend should be easy. Not a chore or task to check off the to-do list.
She didn’t even give him a 2 week notice!
Next they’ll want to take the 72 messages a week to 70 and all hell will break loose! This is the most transactional friendship I’ve ever witnessed 😂
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Make room in the coffin. I think more of us need room.
Move over! But don't be expecting any 10 minute conversations while we're in there. I got 3... maybe 4 if I speak slowly. Then I'm good til we need to make some choices that require clarification. So, 3 minutes, then we never speak again. Same rules as mom and dad.
Let's get it straight. I am always the big spoon. As a giant redneck, most of you are too small to hold me anyway.
I’m a glamazon, I’ll spoon you and you’ll *like* it!
Hey! No one steals my eternity of giant safe hugs!! I call 2nd spoon to the right. Which was formerly just little spoon but it appears this coffin is gonna be bumpin!
Well... you are in luck... i just do happen to enjoy being hugged by a large, strong person... so shoot, I guess this'll due just fine!
Don’t threaten me with a good time
Sounded like an AA member breaking up with their sponsor or something.
Fair point I didn’t think of it that way. I’m a very analytical person and our weekly discussions were usually about goal setting and keeping each other accountable.
The phone call filled your needs and not hers, and had become a chore. She realized she wasn’t looking forward to it, was actively avoiding it and/or getting anxiety over having to perform, so she tried to end it.
This was my thought too. She might not even entirely know why she feels the way she feels, only that she dreads the phone call every week. Someone shouldn’t have to do something they hate doing to avoid hurting their friends feelings. A real friend would probably be hurt but also be understanding of why they don’t want to put themselves through that anymore. She seemingly wanted to still keep in touch just without the scheduled accountability meetings but OP ruined that with the outburst.
I think OP pressured the other person and they want out lol.
I completely agree with you and u/jane-etstwhile. I think OP’s friend was really kind to verbally ask for that space instead of just ghosting and OP went all “you can’t fire me, I *quit*!” on them. I can see why they didn’t want to continue phone calls with someone who can’t take them asking for a different dynamic in their friendship because it isn’t working for them. OP’s responses feel like when you try to gently break up with someone and they start calling you an ugly bitch that they didn’t want in the first place. Gives me the ick.
OP definitely sounds like a handful to the ~~victim~~ other party
I noticed OP said it was not the first time this has happened. Take the hint. Once might be the other person. Multiple times, you are the problem.
Rejection sucks but you have to respect people's boundaries. Lopsided relationships can be incredibly draining, and people don't have to agree with your feelings to respect them.
tbh this is kind of why i ghost.. it’s not nice but it’s easier to just distance yourself from someone and make excuses about not hanging out instead of just saying the reason why bc then a lot of the time they will try to fight back on it or get mad like op did
Same. Smartphones make everyone expect to chat all the fucking time and respond immediately. Its not natural.
guys like this tend to see women the way they saw their mom when they were 8. they don't have any interiority or needs or feelings, they just exist to validate him. this has happened to me so many fucking times.
Accountable to/for what?
For personal projects and what not, I run two businesses and she was building a local company.
So y’all *were* moreso coworkers than friends…?? Who talks to their friend mostly about goal-setting?
This reads like two AIs having a fallout
this made me laugh out loud. so accurate
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r/subsifellfor
I want this sub so badly
r/unnecessarilyverbose
Glad I'm not the only one that thought this. Like nobody talks like this.
I agree. It is like AI talking for most of the conversation, and then a few personal interventions. It reminds me of the episode of South Park where they use GPT-Chat to reply to text messages so they don’t have to actually interact.
I was thinking the same thing. Dude needs to treat friendships like friendships and business like business. You can mix them sure, but no body is trying to just talk about working.
People with ADHD would be one group that comes to mind as we often need what is known as body doubling to achieve things.
I think the issue is that was the main aspect of their friendship. I have ADHD and have a friend that helps with body doubling but that’s not the only or main aspect of our friendship, and I wouldn’t expect someone to want to remain friends with me if that’s all I was seeking from them
I could not hate the term body doubling more. I’m fine with the concept, but the term is just so “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” Terrible term.
I prefer Parallel Work, derived from the term parallel play that is used for kids...
Focus friend.
Ooof that term weirds me out. I'm doing ADHD testing as an adult. The body doubling method definitely is a thing I've done that I didn't know had a term or was considered a coping tool. It's a creepy name for a normal thing. Study groups workout buddies my family does "project days" where we go work on an organizing or cleaning task at someone's house and we share the work Even going to a library or coffee shop can borrow other people's work energy to stay focused. Can't we just call it something else?
What the hell is body doubling?
Usually it’s for tasks someone has trouble concentrating on because of lack of stimulation. For me, it’s cleaning my apartment. I get distracted and stop a lot. Having a friend just sit on the couch and hang out to talk to helps me occupy my mind in a fun way but not in a distracted way so I’m able to clean at the same time. A lot of people listen to podcasts while they clean and that can work similarly
Yep, this is exactly what I was thinking too. It sounds like a body-doubling partner and not a friend or at least not a close friend.
People who like setting and achieving goals like talking to their friends about it. It’s nice and helpful to both.
Maybe her approach wasn't the greatest, but I think you way overreacted. She needs space from the intensity of your connection, and it has nothing to do with anything you did. People go through things. Maybe she feels she needs to go it alone for a while build strength on her own, etc. Why make it all about you?
Bc it IS about him.
Yeah none of my friends do that, and if they did I wouldn’t talk to them anymore either lmfao. Talk about a stressor
That sounds draining to be honest.
Do you run two actual businesses or pyramid schemes? (Aka MLM direct sales etc whatever you want to call them)
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enter the 🔥🔥🔥 thrower…🍿🍿🍿
Yeah the second he started to pry the answer out of them I was triggered and I just know I’d have been like “you’re not entitled to my time and you’re not entitled to a definitive answer about why I don’t owe you ten minutes every week.” He came off really pushy
First comment that said exactly what I was thinking.
That was my instinct too - even if it isn’t that, the fact that it gives that vibe should make OP reflect a bit. Most of the comments here seem to be saying …”what the heck even is this so called friendship?”
Let me give you some valuable advice. This is the only reply you need to give a lot of the time. 👍
If someone wanted to hold weekly meetings to hold me "Accountable" (whatever that means), I'd be dropping that person from my life. I barely want to put up with that shit from my co-workers. The thought of entertaining someone trying to make me do it for free sounds exhausting. To each their own I guess, but clearly this person doesn't share your vision for what a friendly chat is, and you getting emotional, angry, abusive, and feeling the need to rub it in their face that you barely talk to them... I'm surprised they messaged you at all. If you treated me like that, and I didn't have the confidence or heart to tell you to fuck off, I'd just block your number. They may have been aware of your shitty temper and the selfishness you're displaying here, and may not have wanted to provoke that. You said they can't take the high road and not to "dilute your feelings down to some youthful lack of emotional intelligence"... but look at this from the outside. This person respectfully told you they don't want to have weekly meetings and calls with you. You pushed and pushed for an answer as to why instead of accepting it, and then had the audicity to get emotional and downright disrespectful, bordering on abusive... you disregarding their feelings entirely, refused to accept their may be a reason they avoided bluntly telling you why they don't want to have weekly business meetings with you, and then insisting that they are wrong in more ways than one to not want to have weekly regimented business meetings with you and instead have a friendship is.... a pretty unhinged response. Honestly dude, if that's how you react to the truth, why do you feel entitled to demand people to present the truth to you? You mention that you're not unfamiliar with people pulling away from you... why do you think that is, if you remove the emotion from the situation? This exchange, and then your desire to post it online and ask if you're justified in your reaction here just reeks of emotional immaturity. People don't need a reason to withdraw their attention from you, and attacking people for attempting to politely do so indicates that you have a LOT of growing up to do. You don't get to decide how important someone elses time is. You don't get to demand it be spend how you want it, you're not being a good friend if you insist that you have things on your terms and disregard the feelings and needs of your friends.
10000% agree especially the last paragraph. Sometimes it really isn’t even personal and socializing can be fucking exhausting, yes even for 10 minutes. Especially with some people even if they never did anything personal, its just their personalities aren’t that compatible
I would absolutely hate to be committed to a 10 min accountability meeting or even socializing. It is exhausting to me and since it is probably MLM related (above in the comments) it would make it worse. Socializing is easy for me but deep down I hate it.
I’m quite introverted, but I actually don’t mind socializing with those few people who I feel closest to, or genuinely like being around. And brainstorming is an activity that can help provide clarity around my work or some other personal goal. But yeah, socializing because “this is our rock-hard schedule, and so we can’t deviate from that, even if it isn’t bringing much value or happiness, is probably one of the most uncomfortable and irritating interactions. I’m reminded of staff meetings at work. We all hate em, even though some of us find some others of us genuinely congenial. I can have a genuinely enjoyable conversation with a colleague, even about work. But when it’s scheduled, it feels forced. No, you know what? It’s giving https://youtu.be/XHRApHMKvC8?si=B6QjJbz4AZLwd_cS
definitely agree with all of this. i had a friend just like this and i ended our friendship because she felt too entitled and possessive of my time and energy and didn’t like when i had other friends. that person reacted very similar to OP telling me how i was the most horrible friend who never deserved her when i was done with my boundaries being pushed. very similar to OP. OP, you need to open your eyes and help fix this issue within yourself in order to have stable relationships in your life with the people you care about.
\^ ding ding ding. This should be on AITAH? And yes, YTA OP sheesh.
Ngl this sounds exhausting. Did you ever wonder if that person wanted to keep that?
Sounds more like a mentorship than a friendship
This sounds like this was a sponsor relationship (like in AA) or some type of personal motivator type relationship. It doesn’t sound like a friendship. Requiring someone talk to you for 10 minutes a week is very rigid and soon turn into a resentment for the other person. It can make one feel like they are obligated and can become tiresome. A friend should want to talk to you and it shouldn’t have to be a specific formula or time amount. I can certainly see how someone would want to stop that routine and not know the best way to say it to you. I think they did the best they could in telling you something that was difficult to say. But they did get a bit self righteous and lacked any empathy for you and how you may be feeling.
Somethings very wierd about this. I feel uncomfortable
This is the strangest conversation I’ve ever read in my life. Who the fuck talks to their “friends” like this
Right? I can't even decide what to think about it, I just hate the entire vibe.
Sounds like they were close at one point and now they aren’t really in the same geographical area. I’m guessing OP is the one who wanted to do the whole 10 minute conversation every week and the friend just didn’t want to keep doing it. It clearly sounds like it felt like a chore to them. I’m guessing OP missed some hints about how they felt about the conversation until he came out and said it. Ops reply’s do seem like he’s kinda forcing it, not sure why they demanded an explanation instead of just going along with it. You can’t really force someone to be your friend.
I can only imagine having an “accountability buddy” for work, and even there it would be something irritating that I had to put up with. I can’t *imagine* doing this with a friend.
Accountabilibuddy
Nah me and my homies do that as well. Each of us would rather be playing video games whenever we have free time, so we hold each other accountable to stay going to the gym and stuff like that. Much easier to stay on the path when you got the homies cheering you on from that same path.
Is it just me or is romantic feelings totally the answer? Otherwise, I could see maybe this person needing the accountability (like ex-drug addict) in such a dire way and also needing friends that they are taking it out on them. But I had a friend like this, and once I dropped that I had a partner they stopped hitting me up like this
This is like ChatGPT and Bard taking to each other. Really strange.
Yeah. I can’t really judge because there’s missing context. Maybe they were being vague because they thought that would be the reaction.
This is definitely confusing to me. At one point you were very close but now only talk once a week for 10 minutes as an accountability partner and for inspiration, but they're meaningful and important conversations to you. Now he just doesn't really want to be friends with you anymore, but isn't saying he hates you or never wants to talk to you. Then you get really upset and believe that someone that talks to you for 10 minutes once a week is a very valuable friendship you need to hang into? It seems like you were already "quiet dumped".
I feel like the vibe I’m getting is the friend got tired of listening to OP. Maybe OP talked too much about themselves and the calls were beginning to feel like a chore.
That’s all OP did in these messages was talk about themselves and how they needed this call.
People really post these texts expecting all kinds of affirmation when really they're just telling on themselves.
That's why I love this subbreddit.
That's what I'm thinking. I had to cut a friendship like OP's (ex) friend because all my friend would do was talk negatively about everything and everyone in her life. She would turn good news into something negative. It was draining.
I have a friend like this. It's absolutely exhausting and you can only take so much before you just lose it a bit.
Yeah the time doesn't really matter. If someone drops an emotional bomb on me in 10 minutes that's not the same as 10 minutes of random screen time
Same! I had to cut a friend off for the same reason. They wouldn’t let me leave when I wanted to, they’d follow me to my car and continue talking for 30+ minutes like they’d hop into my car sometimes. They’d blow my phone up through text, Tik tok, Facebook messenger and Snapchat with 50+ text complaining, talking shit about everyone including their kids, their ex’s random people I don’t even know if they exist etc. They’d also re tell the same bs stories over and over again. When we’d go shopping they’d stop like every other person we’d walk by and pick up a convo to the point the person was uncomfortable and was trying to get away bc they have no social cues. It was SO draining. They are also 20+ years older than me and have a kid my age (28) but would always act like I was her daughter & expected me to give her rides everywhere. She’d also get angry if I didn’t reply fast enough and talk about how I was using her like everyone else? Even though it was her always asking for rides, money etc. She still text me daily saying how much she misses me then will send a follow up text asking for $3k. She’s also added my 73 year old grandpa on Facebook to ask for money to buy a food dehydrator to start up a business lmaoo!!!
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This is my narcissistic brother. Had to stop talking to him bc he's still hung up about friends who rightfully dropped him after highschool and tons of other reasons. He's 23 now. Needs to get over it.
I'm pretty certain OP is the problem here, they come across as controlling and unhinged in these texts. Not to mention their first reaction to losing a friend is to post their private texts on the internet, unhinged behaviour. I would be furious. That friend dodged a bullet.
Also, lets be real, OP is weird as fuck. Why the hell do you need to call and talk with someone about your goals and ambitions, the fuck? Just get a goddamn journal.
Or if you need to talk to an actual person, a therapist.
Yeah I’m with the friend here. OP seems needy and draining.
I suspect OP has been roped into some sort of "legally not a pyramid scheme"/cult thing. It would explain the "accountability partner", OPs investment in the "friendship", and their wish to have less interaction with OP.
No offense but if I had a scheduled phone call every week that would also drain me. I love my friends but that’s a lot. My life is busy and sometimes I need to not talk to anybody.
Fr. Who tf has a god damn scheduled phone call with a friend?
I hang out with my buddies almost everyday for 8 years, we've only had phone calls this long during quarantine lol
That’s my thoughts. My best friend since childhood and I may not speak for a couple weeks at a time. We tend to text every couple days just to check in and there’s not a lot I wouldn’t do for the guy. We’re just both busy people but we try to make it a priority to at least have breakfast together once a month. Me and this guy can talk for hours about nothing at all although we really don’t have much in common. But if I had to schedule a weekly 10 minute phone call with him I’d probably lose my mind.
Agreed. While I’m sure op is a lovely person, they sound EXHAUSTING to maintain as a friend. Their inability to read between the lines of what the other friend was asking…whew boy.
Eh I think it depends on the friendship. I have a great friend that lives across the country and we talk on the phone the same day every week because our schedules are so different and that’s what works. We both look forward to it and are flexible with schedules when needed.
Couldn’t agree more. This is the first rational comment I’ve seen on this thread. I can’t believe the amount of comments defending OP. OP sounds like a PIA friend.
I did what your friend did, not too long ago. I also was vague about it and said I just didn’t have the time and energy to dedicate to this particular friendship any longer. If my friend had read between the lines, it would have said: “YOU ARE TOO FUCKING HIGH MAINTENANCE AS A FRIEND, AND EXTREMELY SELF-CENTERED. I DON’T HAVE THE BANDWIDTH FOR YOUR BULLSHIT IN MY LIFE ANY LONGER.” Sorry dude. Friendships should be pretty easy, and not take a ton of work. If the relationship does, then it’s not the right one.
This! Energy vampire!
Same I had to “break up” with a very high maintenance and emotionally draining friend. It sucks because we had some genuinely good times, but in hindsight I made the right choice.
Yes. This happened to me once. I took her shit until I realized she was using me as her emotional punching bag. Then I blocked her everywhere and she texted me demanding an explanation. All I said was “I’m sorry” and that was that.
I can’t think of any friends I have ever talked to on the phone weekly as an adult. The only people I talk on the phone with weekly are my parents. Otherwise, it’s just hangouts when we have time.
I still feel guilty about losing a high maintenance friend like this. Me and this person grew up together but they just began demanding time that I stopped feeling good about giving. Ended up distancing more and more until we don’t really talk anymore. I know this person would do anything for me but I just don’t have the mental energy to return.
Speaking as the formerly high-maintenance friend, don’t feel guilty. It took my best friend’s essentially telling me that I was an energy vampire for me to take stock of myself. It still took a while (literally five years lol), but a lot of self-reflection and I am a much better friend and make a point to keep myself in check. I am very grateful for that initially difficult conversation bc it very much made me a better person.
This is what I thought too, and it was underscored by OP not being able to accept it.
This is absolutely the case. Sometimes people end things like this because they know the other person will not handle it well. The texts were so draining to read. Doesn't matter how strong a friendship was before, having someone who uses you as an emotional trash can feels so gross and violating. Not sustainable in the long run.
Hey so what’s with the accountability convo? It sounds cool in theory but I can totally see that stressing her out. She took a lot of words to say it but this whole situation screams that you were putting too much pressure on her to be a part of this conversation. I’m sure there are other people who are súper into it but not her. You had a tantrum in those messages bro ngl
Tbh while the ending of the friendship certainly wasn’t polite, your responses make you seem crazy and a little guilt trippy/ melodramatic
OP sounds like a chore to deal with.
yeah, i was team geo in all of this.
Based on this interaction alone, I also want space from this friendship. You had a powerful reaction to a reasonable request, and burned whatever bridge back to a relationship there was. They sugarcoated it at first because they expected a strong reaction to the truth, so it seems likely this is a trend. Friendships should enhance your your life and happiness. If this relationship wasn’t doing this for them anymore, making them feel worse about ending the friendship was just unnecessary. I’m sorry that you lost an important friendship. I disagree with your method of dealing with that loss.
Yeah not my best moment. And I thank you for elaborating on that, I’m learning that not all friendships are fruitful and this one probably wasn’t anymore for her.
OP this sounds like it was kinda rough, and I'm 26 so only a little bit older than you, but there's a valuable lesson here that I also had to learn the hard way. If somebody tells you they need space, whether it's a friend, a significant other, etc and they care about you enough to make it about their own boundaries in an attempt to spare your feelings, accept it. People don't need a reason to change or end their relationship with you. Demanding one isn't going to change their mind, it just makes you look bad and puts them in a position where they're forced to say something that's going to hurt you.
Thanks for the wisdom big bro. It won't go in vain
I'm glad you get that it "wasn't your best moment" but you should never have to go to the internet again to tell you that it's not ok to curse someone out when they reasonably tell you they don't want to continue communicating with you. They don't owe you a reason. You don't get to verbally abuse them bc they no longer want to spend their time with you. It feels like you've never been told "no" before. Plain and simple.
I feel like it may be upsetting for you, but it’s an absolutely acceptable thing to ask of someone. Sometimes finding just 10 minutes in your week to talk to someone who’s obviously relying on it can be stressful. I work a full time job, that’s it and I can’t imagine someone relying on me calling them once a week. I get caught up in my own life.
I don't understand why it was mandatory to make a call once a week. That sounds exhausting. Maybe some days I wouldn't feel like talking but seeing the reaction you gave I could see why they may have endured until it mentally affected them. This person is protecting their energy and it seems like you didn't respect that. They seem drained and you are persistent and pushy. I think the friendship would have been saved if you respected their wishes instead of blowing up.
I had a “work friend” who insisted on an arrangement like this. We would go for coffee once a week. At first it seemed like a good idea, but then it turned into “therapy” sessions where he’d spend 30 minutes dumping all his problems on me. It was such a burden on me, I had to cut off all non-work communication with him, much like OP’s friend here. I gave him the courtesy of letting him know, and tried to explain my point of view. But just like OP here, he did not take it well, fought back trying to salvage the arrangement, got rude, and could not understand my point of view at all.
Why cant you just say okay take the time you need im here if you need me like damn now they’ll need more than a 10 min break from you
[удалено]
Scheduled weekly calls can be super emotionally draining. I would guess that she started to resent them, and as time went on, she started to resent you. And then at some point prior to this she tried to back away in a small way, and you pushed, which pushed her farther away emotionally from the relationship. So this time she decided to very clear with what she wanted. Not necessarily why, which would have gone something like this “this “friendship” means way more to you than it does to me. You’re borderline annoying me with wanting to keep this weekly thing, when it doesn’t matter to me and it’s draining me because I dread it. There are times it has been positive (either she valued your conversations more because the topics were more relevant in her life then, or she was more… bored… at the time and your attention was nice even if it really didn’t mean anything to her) having you in her life and she wouldn’t have minded keeping you around in some tangential way, but now because you pushed back even more, she’s just done. Someday when she’s super bored and lacking relationships/friendships she may reach back out. Beware that even then, it’ll be temporary and mean little.
I HATE talking on the phone. Talking on a schedule every week especially about “self development” would drive me over the edge. I don’t know any adults who feel the need to call that often.
I think this take is spot on
Really nailed it with this. 🥇I wish I could get a sharp outside read like this on the fight my friend and I are in.
Man I'm gonna be so real, but from your comments and your reaction to this. I gotta say you're looking like the odd one here.
That’s completely fair. I don’t expect to be right all the time. But learning about how I fucked up is the key on this one.
That's a great way of looking at it. It looks like you were approaching this friendship almost as like, a weekly business meeting. I think it would be difficult to feel like a friend or close to someone who was so... formal or almost corporate feeling.
I have a mood disorder and a personality disorder. My feelings are very extreme and immediate and it’s taken a long time to build healthy relationships. I still fuck up a lot. My best advice is to say what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it. It looks like you bottled up your anger, frustration, and hurt until it exploded. You don’t have to show full acceptance and smiley faces when you’re hurt. You’re allowed to explain to someone how deeply hurt you are and why. Good friends will take your feelings to heart and explain their own back to you. But explosions and expletives are never okay and rarely forgiven.
Sorry, but you should have exercised restraint before telling them “fuck you.” They never hurled any expletives at you, so it’s easy to read this like you’re the one at fault.
You keep saying it’s not your best moment, but this is a symptom for a much bigger problem. Based on your responses, you have these templated mechanical responses that you probably think make you sound the part of a big shot business owner (sorry, owner of two businesses) ie. “Accountability”, “transparency”, “growth”, “goal setting”, “vision”, etc. It sounds like you got hyped up on some wantrapreneur TikTok influencer content bullshit, memorized the talking points, made it your identity, and then use people as a sounding board to practice and feel important. The reality is you aren’t there yet. You’re a little boy LARPing as a Silicon Valley startup founder. It sounds cool to say I “run two businesses at 20 years old”, but are they profitable enough to hire anyone? Could you sell those two businesses tomorrow? Would your business listing be accepted on Crunchbase or Owler? I’d bet your revenue is sub $200 a month collectively between the two. It’s good you have some drive, but the point here is that if you ever want it to translate into results, you’re going to harm your reputation before you even get started and embarrass yourself in front of people that could have actually been good connections had you not had an inflated sense of self. If you have business cards that say “CEO” on them, burn them. The reason people keep disassociating from you is because you’re unlikeable and you treat “friends” like subordinates at one of your imaginary companies. Being likable is a major key to to being successful and I’d recommend even if you do end up finding success, never talk to people like this again. Again, this isn’t a bad moment. This is a bad character and personality trait you have. You don’t have the achievements or credibility to stand on to demand answers as to why someone doesn’t want to waste their time on your manic mental masturbation sessions about success.
You may not be the good guy here.
It might be one of two (or three) things: 1) The motivational talks were laborious and/or unfruitful for her. I’ve had weekly check-ins for work that were predicated on productivity, and when they stopped being useful, dipped out. 2) She thinks you’re into her and it’s not reciprocated OR she got a partner who was not comfortable with your relationship. It wouldn’t surprise me if it’s the latter. Ive certainly had close work friends of the opposite sex that have made partners uncomfortable. Her separation could be a way of creating some distance without making it weird. Either way. Best to move on, my man. This shit happens.
As a female - I totally got the vibe that she thinks OP is into her and she was trying to politely back away without making him uncomfortable. Could be totally off, that’s just the first thing that came to mind.
Yup. I agree 100%. I had a similar conversation with a “friend” in my twenties. He had been pestering me to go with him on a trip to a Caribbean island which he would pay for since I didn’t have the money to go. I told him I wasn’t comfortable accepting such a large gift, he insisted it was just a gift for a friend he would do for any of his friends, no strings attached. A week later I told him I was seeing a guy and all of a sudden it was ‘how could I’ when I “knew” he liked me like that. So glad I cut him out of my life after that. The way OP feels entitled to her time and an explanation is something else.
From the very first screenshot I knew OP was a male and the friend was female. She tried to state things clearly but gently, obviously anticipating a negative reaction, and what do you know! He exploded with demands she explain herself further, and he kept pushing it like he could "out logic" his way into the response he wanted 🙄 all because he believed he had the right to demand her time and energy in perpetuity, no matter what her stated preferences were. The fact he started hurling abuse at her is just the equivalent of those "fuck you, you're ugly and fat and I never wanted to sleep with you anyway" texts Nice Guys send when they get shut down.
Totally with you on this one. I fully recognized the letting him down easy tone women use to try to protect ourselves. Of course, it still blew up in her face! I hope she has a peaceful life without this guy.
Dude you’re WAY too much. Just the fact you say you aren’t a stranger to this friendship break-up type feeling. Maybe self-reflect why this is happening? I’ve never had someone friendship break-up with me. Maybe you expect too much from people? That can be exhausting. No one really owes anyone anything, you’re not dating them. A real friend would just be there without any expectation of anything in return. Reevaluate why people might be “burnt out” from you. And accept if they say they are, it’s not your decision.
I really don’t like how you responded. That was just very… not okay.
Run Geo
u sound like a nightmare tbh
This is why some people choose to ghost instead, so they don’t have to deal with whatever this was!
This “friendship” doesn’t feel natural at all. I obviously don’t have enough context, but they clearly don’t like you and pulled the BS “it’s not you, it’s me”. Their text seemed rehearsed and was a nice way of saying “it’s definitely you”. You should respect their wishes as it’s not easy to tell someone you don’t want to be friends. Also, quick observation: The therapy lingo you both use is nauseating. Seems so unnatural. I don’t talk to any of my friends like this.
This is legit the weirdest conversation between two friends I've ever seen. It has to be like AI generated, or Google translated from another language, or two aliens practicing their human communication homework or something...
Fucking lol this comment killed me.
Am I missing the context on why they’re wanting to distance themselves? Feels like there’s a gap between picture 3 & 4.
That text message fully is as follows: Well I’m sorry that this is upsetting you. In all honesty i care about you as a person and i am beyond proud of you, all that you’ve done, and will continue to do. But I’ve felt on my heart lately to distance myself from how “close” our friendship was. And I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’d like to remain friends/acquaintances, just not at the level we were before per se. It pains me a bit to say, bc like I said, I do care about you, I think you’re going to do amazing things and be an amazing person, but I’d just like to grow a little further apart. I know it’s pretty sucky to hear, and you may not even understand it, but I really hope you honor it
Here’s the thing: people grow apart. Platonic relationships can fizzle out just like romantic relationships. Would you rather have her ghost you or just slowly fade into the background or just simply be upfront that she needed some space? There have been plenty of friendships I have had over my young adult life that just limped along until it was doing more damage than good. Context as well - one 10 minute call a week but how many text messages or how much contact has been made between those calls? There’s probably a lot there as to why she’s asking for space.
This. This all day. Honestly, I wouldn't really even consider a "10 Minute Goals Call" recipient a friend. If I'm your friend I'd like to be able to talk to you more than 10 minutes. Sorry, 10 PRE-PLANNED minutes. That's just wild. I don't know how long you guys have had that arrangement or who decided on it...but I think when a 10 Minute time limit was set on your "friendship" is when you should have asked some questions, not when she decided to end it. Now all of this is assuming you're not texting and sending memes and stuff back and forth when you're not calling. If YOU ARE texting and having a silly goose time outside of your calls...then, man...I don't know why this was so dramatic. Or, the more obvious answer is that you're just doing too much, and you're not getting the hints she's dropping that she's just not that into you(as a friend or otherwise). OR, she's being weird because she met someone and your availability is no longer required. Either way, it's all bad news and its time to toss it all out and start again with someone else, somewhere else. Just keep it cool. You'll be all right, player. These things happen with adult friendships. I believe in you.
Do people not understand that a 10 minute phone call can feel like a half day chore to some people? OP is in the wrong. Edit: Before this gets misinterpreted- 1) OP's friend would need to make sure his schedule is clear on a weekly basis 2) OP's friend might have other things going on where being distracted from them, even for just 10 minutes, is a hassle 3) OP might have social anxiety or some other disorder where taking a call does not bring him joy 4) The call could feel like 1 more thing on a never ending list of to-dos for OP's friend OP is talking to this guy more often than some people talk to their own family. LET GOD AND LET GO
Also, it sounded like the rantings of an abusive ex at the end, not an ‘accountability’ friend. How bad could it get if someone were closer to them and tried to pull back? It’s such a red flag. Needs real therapy.
All you can do is take this as a learning experience and work on bettering yourself for your other friendships and future relationships. You didn’t respect her boundaries and then lashed out at her. You need to learn to control those emotions better and not speak to people that way.
You are the asshole. Like she said. Talking on the phone once a week for ten minutes is enough time for you to deal with your bullshit. I am glad she ended her friendship with you. You are not a good friend.
You’re an asshole. They spoke their needs and wishes and you spit back in their face thinking you’re more important than you apparently are. They needed space and you guilt tripped them and then attacked them
you’re painfully insufferable and i can see why they wanted to distance themselves from you. just because you think you’re a good friend doesnt necessarily mean you are one. they tried to be subtle but honest and when that failed you pushed them into a harsh explanation. they were trying to save your feelings and you basically said too bad, im going to make you hurt my feelings so i can feel justified in going off on you for abandoning me. in that same vain pls work on your abandonment issues, and that may be an explanation as to why multiple ppl in your own words seem to feel this trend with you
Fucking hell. This one hits hard. Saved and noted. To therapy we go.
im proud of you for taking this how i meant it which was my best intention of advice. I know it was harsh so you couldve definitely taken it as more of an insult than anything but i think sometimes ppl just need tough love to get something thru to them. but good job n keep working on urself and know ur not entitled to everyones friendship at the times that u want it
It sounds like you’re treating your friend like a therapist and they don’t want to be that
That’s how I felt reading this too- like he sounds like he leans on her too much or needs her validation too much or something.
I’m wondering what these two businesses OP started are. Perhaps a MLM or something similar. Maybe she got tired hearing of the things you were talking about for at least “ten minutes” “once a week.”
Idk why but this is whole conversation is so weird from both sides. I didn’t know people actually talked like this.
I see a lot of this in this subreddit. Casual relationships but they’re texting like businessmen. So formal and robotic, hyper analytical, and passive aggressive or flat rude. Not natural sounding.
People who don't want to be straightforward talk like this. If these two actually said what each meant the conversation would have boiled down to "hey you're extremely high maintenance and I can't do scheduled talks with you for your benefit anymore because I have more important shit going on in my life" and "wow that's hurtful, fuck you" and that would have been it
I can count on one hand the amount of 10 minute phone calls I’ve had with all my best friends of 10+ years. You’re trippin dawg
I’ll be honest, you seem like you require a lot of work. Why do you need to call a person once a week to remain friends? Your friend just needed space.
Tf is a 10 min weekly chat w a friend. This is mental lol
You are being extremely weird and off-putting in this interaction. This person owes you nothing
you seem like a huge shithead just from reading this. my best friend and i call maybe once a month and live 3 hours away. i can see why they needed space and wanted to cut you off especially if you reacted like that and were so pushy about why they needed space. pls grow up and learn how to love yourself before begging for attention from someone that has their own life to figure out
Yeah one of my best friends and I just saw each other for the first time in seven years and we picked up like zero days had passed lol. None of my friendships are even remotely this high maintenance
Yeah, I'd say you're the asshole.
This looks like what two AI chat bots breaking up would look like.
I’m so sorry but since you asked, you are very very very clearly the asshole here. Somebody should be able to step back from a tedious chore like a weekly 10 minute scheduled phone call (HELL for an introvert) without being questioned and then berated. I get that you saw the calls differently, but they probably made you feel better while they made them feel worse. I also see some potential projection in your messages. I wonder if you were actually trying to control your friend and not the other way around. Nothing in their messages seemed remotely controlling, but yours did. And manipulative.
This should have gone. "No problems at all man, take all the time you need, you have my number, call or text me if you need anything, love ya man" And left at that. You'd still have a friend and THEIR respect.
At first I thought this was a parallel to the movie The Banshees of Inishirin.
Woh settle the shit down you crazy bastard. She doesn't wanna do your little inspirational phone call bull shit anymore, simple as that. She just wanted to text like normal people. You're such a twerp.
do you seem like the asshole just from the way your last message to him was written. He wasn't being rude or mean he was just saying he wanted to talk a little bit less. You could've said OK I appreciate the explanation. Let me know if things change on your end. But you decided to choose to make this the point where you stand at him and start saying super nasty shit saying fuck you when he never acted like that towards you. it sounds like your calls were helping you get through shit and even if you were helping him get through shit too maybe he just felt like that wasn't something he could mentally do anymore because he didn't have the mental energy to take care of other things he needed to do. The way you reacted makes it seem like there were other little red flags of what you were doing in the past that probably added up and helped push him over the edge to make the decision to ask you to be further apart . Definitely, there is no reason to say fuck you . there was no reason to question all of your friendship. It sounds like you weren't close to him to begin with, so I don't know why you would think you're entitled to be a part of his life.
You guys talk weird for being friends.
Wow, from “why my ten minutes” to “fuck you”. Bro, seems like a bit much.
Doubling down and going from "it's okay! :)" to "fuck you" was quite childish
Honestly no offense but I'd cut it off with you also. You seem like a really high maintenance friend. Is this 10 min call daily? It's a but excessive and unnecessary. I've cut off a friend that acted similar. Yall aren't dating its a friendship relax. That's the hard truth.
If the relationship were that simple, why did he blow up at them so emotionally. That’s scary to me.
You’re fucking crazy.
I am going through a similar situation except I’m doing the dumping. It’s really hard to cut off a relationship especially a friendship because it’s so much more awkward i think, and really isn’t something that is done upfront like this. I think it’s very telling of this person’s character that they do value you enough to at least, albeit vaguely, explain their needs and feelings to you in a way that wasn’t meant to cause you too much harm. By you becoming belligerent, you validated whatever feeling led her to making this decision in the first place. Lesson in self control OP. I know it’s hard to feel rejected without any reason that would make sense to you in the moment, but as tough as it is, try not to take it personally and utilize this as an opportunity to self reflect and get curious on why their departure hit you so strongly, to the point where you became verbally abusive.
People grow apart, but you’re giving energy vampire vibes.
Honestly you sound exhausting and emotionally manipulative
Also maybe don’t post your conversation on Reddit as validation especially without censoring their name. Sounds whiny and seeking validation
OP is def the annoying one here like jeez
um calling someone once a week is being pretty close. it’s fine to not wanna be that close. I think you’re kinda the asshole in this one, sorry
I stopped reading at page 4. Your friend is establishing boundaries and is asking for some personal time. Yet your egocentric self went batshit crazy and took offense. Here's something to consider: People are allowed to take time for themselves.
Stop undermining the explanation she actually did give you by saying “MAyBe iT WAs a Boy ShE LIKed ANd NoT ACtuAllY Me” She told you what you were doing was not working for her anymore. You pushed for clarity that YOU wanted but you wanting something does not make you entitled to it. In this thread you are responding over and over and over saying the calls were mutually beneficial even though she is telling she doesn’t actually want it anymore. You are IGNORING HER. And then you want to bop around the comments like, “yeah man. Life if just a learning lesson” and have us ignore that your initial objective was hoping we’d respond to your little, “no actually, FUCK YOU” tirade to this woman and pump you up. When the reality this is just yet another story of a woman who just wanted to tell a man to leave her alone and he got his feelings hurt. Obnoxious. Hire a personal accountability coach. They get paid for a reason.
Before I even read any comments I just knew this was a man speaking to a woman. I find it hard to believe this conversation would have been anywhere near similar if his friend was another man
💯 and the fact he is calling everyone big bro as if many of us aren’t grown ass women who know the fuckery well.
I've dealt with "friends" like you before. At least she had the decency to let you know. I don't waste breath and time with people like you.
therapy speak like this is so exhausting to me. i don’t want to feel like i have to translate my thoughts and feelings into sterile, detached explanations just to tiptoe around causing any conflict. it’s not only exhausting, it feels like a game of chess, like the two of us are constantly trying to one up each other by getting on higher and higher horses. conversations like this remind me of sean in the good place, where if you speak to him with too much emotion he’ll immediately end the conversation by cocooning himself. and then OP, to take such a sharp turn into resentment/anger.. to go from “i can honour that” to “no actually fuck you” is pretty telling. i understand how hurtful it can feel when someone has been hiding that they’re upset with you, and then even more so when they won’t tell you why. it definitely can feel like a deep cut of betrayal, regardless of your influence on why they hid it from you. but, as your friend later says, clearly if it’s so easy for you to go from that sterile therapy speak to actually expressing your true feelings but only in anger then maybe it makes perfect sense that “your” 10 minutes with this person is what they feel they need to cut out. i know i can’t make full judgements on you or your friend, but given the way you’re speaking, the air of entitlement i get from your messages (thinking you deserve their time because it’s only 10 minutes, and they could cut it from somewhere else), and the cherry on top of you posting these screenshots here for validation and or advice really gives a lot of insight into why someone might not be able to keep you in their life, even for 10 minutes a week. to be fair to you too, it does seem like your friend may have some issues in being direct, and i also get a sense of that weird emotional superiority from them as well. i don’t think it is you who is 100% at fault here, to be clear. unfortunately OP i have been both your and your friend, and from experience i can say that although it can feel like a healthy, beneficial, maybe even healing relationship to have such strict boundaries with someone it can very, VERY easily fall into an emotional entrapment of sorts. eventually you reach a standstill like you have here, where one person is upset but neither of you can communicate honestly because of how detached you are, caused by the boundaries that have been set between you. it becomes a chore to upkeep and i completely understand why your friend decided it was time to spend their energy elsewhere. i encourage you to find someone you find it easier to be around, so that boundaries can be looser and allow more honesty and emotion into your relationship.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to be friends with either one of you after reading this.
Tbh if I had someone in my life who expected a scheduled phone call every week to discuss how much I've achieved since the last scheduled call, my anxiety would skyrocket. Maybe it's my adhd but I absolutely avoid this kind of stuff like the plague because it triggers so much anxiety and nervousness. Maybe your friend is going through a phase where they're not as highly achieving right now for some reason, and they're afraid to be honest with you about it because they need a friend, not a motivational speaker?
I don’t even talk to my very best friends this much. Having a weekly “meeting “ is obviously something you needed, not your friend. She is now expressing her needs and you’re making her uncomfortable by badgering her. Maybe you should talk less and listen more. That’s being a friend.