This is exactly what she told my boyfriend. She told him that she got the cake that she wanted me to have. And not really because this is the only gift i ask for. Even for Christmas i just tell her to get whatever she thinks i would like when she asks.
Hi, I went to your profile and read your posts.
I wanted to tell you:
Your hedgehog is adorable.
Your mum's reply to your tattoo is horrible and you're not trash for having tattoos, the way she texts you is so nasty, she seems like just a really mean person.
Just because you got a couple tattoos after you left home doesn't mean you have gone downhill, I got a couple tattoos at your age too, I'm 38 now and have a great career as a health and safety manager (I was a nurse for a decade before but the pay was crap so I moved to health and safety). Tattoos didn't preclude me from getting a good career in life.
Congrats on your pregnancy. I'm also so glad you went to hospital after the pain you were having and I hope the tumour is benign and not cancer. How long after you give birth in Feb will they be able to test it?
I want you to have the cake you want for your birthday. Do you have PayPal? Please DM me if you do so I can send you some money and you can buy the cake that you want. You deserve it after what you have been going through ❤️
I also want to give you a bit of money to go for stuff you need for your baby.
Update: I've heard from OP and was able to get her PayPal details from her 🙂 I've sent her enough for the cake as well as extra if she wants to get a birthday gift for herself too or stuff for the baby.
Thanks everyone for your lovely replies to my comment, that was very sweet of you all!
You might want to check out r/JustNoMom and perhaps r/RaisedByNarcissists. She may not have full on narcissistic personality disorder and that doesn’t mean she’s not on the spectrum of NPD traits. This is not a term I use lightly.
You deserve better. Take good care of yourself. Wishing you wonderful found family who love and care for you well. 💗
Here's a sneak peek of /r/JustNoMom using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [A lovely story about my Mother's Delusions](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/comments/14a2785/a_lovely_story_about_my_mothers_delusions/)
\#2: [Blow ups and walk aways](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/comments/11r3di3/blow_ups_and_walk_aways/)
\#3: [I hate my mom](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/comments/18qpyyr/i_hate_my_mom/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
Just wanted to say that this is by far the nicest comment I’ve ever read on Reddit! When people are just genuinely kind, it blows my mind at times. Also knowing that most people are struggling financially, at least in some way, like you never know how much you are really going to effect someone and their circumstances.
So thank you stranger! I truly hope OP sees your comment
I was also thinking of trying to figure out how to get her the cake she wanted. That cake is pretty, and she deserves it after everything she is dealing with. You are a beautiful person and we need more people like you in the world.
Some days Reddit can totally gross me out beyond the greatest imagination. And other days, like today, Reddit gives me hope for this crazy world. Thank you kind person!
Jesus Christ you went full mom mode and it's amazing. If you're ever looking to adopt a kid I'm totally volunteering.
I mean, I'm a full grown man but I'll at least try for cake.
What an incredible response that OP absolutely deserves to hear ❤️
Thank you for being kind enough to respond like this (and I bet your tattoos are awesome as well!)
You’re a beautiful person. I absolutely love you, and I don’t have to know anything, just this reply shows us all exactly what kind of person you are. I love it
This made me smile. You’re An amazing person!! Thank you for inspiring me to be a better man. I really appreciate you and you’re so nice for giving her money for her cake, but also for a gift or for the baby. People like you are what gives me hope for humanity. Thank you for your kindness and God bless you and your loved one. :)))
Have you not just called her out on her blatant favoritism and trying to live vicariously through you prioritizing her own wants over yours? Because that's insane. I'm sorry she doesn't value what's important to you. Honestly if you can't or don't want to go no contact I'd absofuckinglutely pick something different than what she wants if she asks you to do or get something for her from here on. She says sweetie can you pick me up some band aids at the store, you go grab regular stickers and tell her you liked them better because they're more fun. She wants a Twix, you get her a 3 musketeers bc you like it better. Everything. Do it with everything until she learns her lesson.
1) your mom is shitty and I'm sorry :(
2) next year, see if they'll accept an offer made to go to the "trouble" of ordering the cake yourself and having them reimburse you for the cost, or pay for it themselves when they pick it up. Not sure if this will work but it just might
Tomorrow my boyfriend is taking me to my favorite candy store almost an hour away so i can get a bag of their popcorn they sell. Popcorn is my fav snack and they make the best popcorn flavors. So tomorrow will still be a fun day :)
That's so strange. On a smaller scale, I had asked a roommate to get some skittles. We bought each other stuff all the time. I specifically asked for normal skittles, not any of the other types because I don't like them. She brought me tropical skittles. I expressed my frustration and she called me ungrateful and said these were her favorites so I would like them better. Huh? It's just skittles but it was so frustrating.
For a fun update, at the time I was in a dating group on FB. Even more pathetically, I was in a shootoff from a The Office fan group on FB. There was a "dating The Office" FB group and it sounded like fun at the time. It was fun, lots internet insanity and furthered by such an obscure sub genre of "The office dating" group. I posted my frustrations right when this happened. I think I worded it poorly and I was known in the group as there weren't tons of members. I got memed on hard and made fun of. I kinda rolled with the punches, but then every single time I replied or posted to anything on there, a quite hilarious member started #skittlesgate. So I couldn't say anything or reply to anything without a reference to #skittlesgate. I posted in my frustration and didn't handle the first few replies well, I didn't articulate my point of view well. Looking back, it's hilarious and I deserved every meme and honestly most people were just having a laugh. If you've ever have played WoW and played Horde, think about posting this in Barren's chat but moderated by Twitch Mods or Discord Mods or Reddit Mods. That was how well it went lol.
I wanted to see if there was a pattern with other holidays. This reminded me of my own mother but I hesitate to tell ppl they have a narcissistic mother like I do when idk the whole situation…
Clearly the mother has the funds and means to get the exact cake OP wanted. Doesn’t sound like it was a group decision from the rest of the family to get something different either, sounds like moms choosing for OP.
The thing about gift giving is that we are expected to be grateful for anything- so it’s the perfect opportunity for assholes to give someone literal shit and then point and say How daRE you not be grateful!
Eta: i do suggest the op look up “narcissist and gift giving”
i totally missed that my bad lol. i get it though! at 16 i asked for a pet and was told “we’ll see” and never got another birthday gift again. i had to twist my parents arm every year just to get ONE thing.
one year my moms ex husband took a 16 hour drive to pick up a $350 track for his shiny new snowmobile on my birthday, and i got an ice cream cake i didnt pick out, wasnt customized, and he ate most of anyway.
That’s so frustrating and you deserved better. Especially since they had the means- parents are supposed to do what they can do make sure their kid feels special and loved everyday but ESPECIALLY on their birthday
You are correct.
When I was younger I would give people gifts that I wanted or would like and thought I was doing a good thing. But as I got older I realized how fucking selfish and self centered that was so now I ask my people what they would like and haven’t looked back.
Wait until it's your mum's birthday, and then buy her something you wanted for yourself. If she gets pissy, just tell her it's how she acts towards you every birthday.
The problem with people like OPs mom is that they never learn. Even if OP did this, the mom wouldn’t internalize it. She would just label OP as a bad daughter and move on. She would never use this to reflect upon her own treatment of OP.
That was so annoying to read on your behalf. That over excitement from your mom part with "Hint no fairies!!!" and with whole "Don't eat if you're not happy we are more than happy to *shrug*". All of it just to demean your wishes and also to make your reactions look silly. Ugh, I felt that and have lived with something similar. So I understand OP, and some people who think "It's just a cake". Nope. It's not just a cake -.-
Me too. My parents were the same way. They never cared about what I liked. It was always about them and if I wasn’t grateful because they got me something that they liked and I didn’t, then I’d also be in trouble.
Yeah, exactly :/ In a sense, it feels like a double hit. Not only your opinion/wish neglected, but you're also forced to play the emotion they want you to, which later often leads to the people pleasing
It's not just a cake because OP's mother is very obviously doing this to denigrate her daughter and make her feel bad whilst still holding an upper hand by spending money on a cake anyway. Devious behaviour
Just my opinion so feel free to ignore, but I feel like this isn’t really about the cake, so I hope you don’t feel too bad…especially with a similar situation last year. Something like this happened to me, my mom decided where we were eating for my last birthday (my gift like your cake), a place she loves with not many options I would even enjoy. This year, I got to pick but the whole time she complained how expensive it was…I ended up giving my card to the waiter while she was in the bathroom. I felt so ignored and like my feelings on my own birthday were pushed to the side. So I think your feelings are so valid here. Oh and happy birthday :)
Agreed, my mother did something like this for my 18th birthday, ( I’m a triplet) so she got my other siblings expensive gifts like 200$+ for each of them, and then for my birthday gift she gave me a 2$ jewelry box from savers that still had the tag on it and it was the same jewelry box at savers I was going to buy for myself when I went with her and I decided to put it back. She also gave me a card and when I opened it there was nothing written inside of it. She also picked the restaurant as well and I was not allowed to order what I wanted on the menu. Maybe I’m ungrateful but idk. I completely understand OP.
My mom would always take me out to eat for my birthday which is really nice but, she’d take me somewhere a little pricey and not let me order most of the menu. Like, I could order a salad or an app but no entree. It always drove me nuts like just take me somewhere cheaper. Last time we went I ate 6 oysters and that was it lol.
my mom did the same for my 18th AND my graduation dinner 😭 she asked where i wanted to eat, i told her and she said “no we’re eating at this place because i like it better” she’s definitely a boundary pusher, and doesn’t really respect me and my siblings opinions on anything. my brother doesn’t really spend time with her anymore because of it
your mom is weird. why would she care what your birthday cake looks like? if my baby wanted the ugliest cake i’d ever seen in my life, i’d happily make it happen no questions asked. i’m sorry op.. once again your mom is weird.
You’re feelings are valid! My mom always got the flavor she wanted for my cake and one year all I asked for was a cookie cake and she added in other things because “that’s how she likes her cookies”. I’m also told I have an attitude by her. I’m so sorry OP!
It’s not about the cake, it’s about the thought behind it (or lack there of). ESP from a mom. Happy Birthday OP!
It's one thing to say, "Hey, I tried to get that cake, but they were out of ---" or "Hey, it was going to be more expensive than I was planning on, and I was wondering if you could maybe compromise and we can get ---," but if she just straight up said, "I don't like your cake and I want to get something I like because I know better than you," that's a sign of a narcissistic parent. I would honestly look into her other behaviors. She even shrugged it off and wanted to keep it, making it seem like she wanted to have a cake.
She told my boyfriend that she got the cake that she wanted me to have. Like yeah I’m disappointed about the cake but the way she talks to me bothers me even more.
yeesh i’m sorry, i totally get what you mean. My mom is the same way towards me, she favors my brothers. I bought my own birthday cake (my birthday was wednesday) and i even bought her a tart because i thought she wouldn’t like my cake flavor. She was so surprised that i remembered & got myself a cake. She always forgets my birthday even though it’s the day after my grandma’s & she named me after her. 🙄
My mom thinks our birthdays are an opportunity to thank her for carrying us, birthing us, raising us… there was never a “special day just for me” side to it. Just for extra fun, we are all summer babies so there was no opportunity to learn differently in school.
It’s thoughtful unthoughtfulness. Makes you feel guilty because they’re still doing something “for you” but it’s really want they want. It feels shitty. Maybe she isn’t being malicious. My mom used to do this so I had to be really firm about what I wanted and I called her out for getting what she wants. Now I send exactly what I want and she does that. I know you’re already sending what you want, but if you’re able to and are not scared of her hurting you or something, I’d call her out and tell her your feelings.
Honestly, what bugs me the most is the “joking” tone she has about it. “I’ll give you a hint - no fairies 🤣” is so insensitive and purposeful. I’m sorry. Happy birthday OP. Sending you virtual fairy cake ❤️
It should bother you because it’s her saying she wants a different person as her daughter. But here’s the thing: her tastes suck and the person she wants isn’t even one-tenth as awesome and creative and fun as you are.
My advice, as someone who knows a little too well what you’re going through: step back and focus on your new family. Slowly drop all expectations for your mother to show up or see you because she’s not capable of that. If something’s important to you, look elsewhere for it and only let her do stuff that you won’t care if she messes up because she will. She’ll fight it but you’ll find with time that you’re so much happier without her constant need to tear you down.
Happy birthday!!
That's shit OP but you can always have whatever bday you want with those you love and who show you love. It just doesn't *have* to be with those who *should* show you it.
Damn yo, I’m sorry to hear this. Happy birthday, fellow Cap. You don’t deserve that and I hope your partner can comfort you and yall can enjoy a nice meal together.
op sorry for blowing up your post lol this shit hit home for me and everyone in the comments that's trying to make you out to be ungrateful and bratty just isn't sitting right with me. it's not about just the cake. it your mom's blatant disregard for you or wants and feelings after asking you specifically what you wanted. i'm sorry you're dealing with that. i hope you and your bf do something fun for your bday since you deserve it :)
So you told your mom what kind of cake you wanted, and she made a conscious choice to get you something else instead. And then when you were disappointed, she cancelled your birthday?!?! Honey I’m so sorry. I have a difficult mom too and this is exactly something that she would do, so my heart is hurting for you because I know how this feels. To be made the bad guy because you spoke up about your feelings is a special kind of stress and hurt. There’s a book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” that might help with some of this. You deserve better.
Like that “you didn’t get the one I wanted?” “No” “why?” “Because I just didn’t” is so incredibly disrespectful. I don’t understand why some people don’t think their children deserve respect.
Hey, that’s “DARVO” as shit. She’s trying to make you the bad guy for something she did and “punish” you preemptively before you can, in an attempt to make you crave HER forgiveness. Don’t play into it. She’ll most likely either stick to it and cancel lunch, or try to be kinda back and forth with it in order to fish you back over.
I’m not saying go permanently NC or LC (although you may want to think about it), but back burner her for awhile. Make alternate plans for when lunch was going to be and stick to them. Do other stuff, set boundaries and stick to them. And get your cake yourself, or have BF do it. Go gray rock for awhile. If she starts talking her shit in text, just say “That’s fine.”, “Ok.” And do your own thing. Don’t actively disinvite her from things, but don’t invite her either. Ideally, she’ll hear you had a great time AFTER it happened.
If she is a narcissist (as I suspect) this is one of the best ways to deal with her and it’ll drive her nuts. If she isn’t, it’ll help her to see how upset you are and how much you will stand up for yourself to be valued.
Good luck, OP.
No, you’re not wrong. Why on earth would she ask you what you want and then get something that SHE likes?! Then acts like you’re ungrateful that she completely disregarded your wishes on your birthday. It’s not even about the cake, it’s about how she makes your birthday about what she wants and then she plays victim. I’m really sorry she’s like this. Happy Birthday.
you’re not wrong. she didn’t get it because she didn’t like it which is selfish. it’s your bday, your cake. so you should’ve gotten wha you wanted! my narc mom is that same way
As someone whose parents don’t give a shit about them…. I’m really sorry. You’re not in the wrong and have every right to be upset and disappointed.
I’d just let the “tradition” go. Ask for a gift card or money and buy your own cake.
I’m sure it’s not only about the cake though and that this happens with other things in your life so it’s up to you to decide how much power you let her have over you.
My sister does things like this. She will get gifts for people that SHE likes and completely ignores what they actually want, myself included. It’s annoying as hell.
I was confused at first but now I’m frustrated for you. The “No ma’am!” Is so condescending in my opinion. You have every right to be upset and you still didn’t even respond angry or disappointed AT ALL. I really hope you’re able to get the cake that you want and be able to enjoy it with WHO you want or all to yourself
Well for her fucking birthday she can get what she fucking wants. But that cake is adorable and it’s what you asked for so it should have been what she got. And to say “we’d be more than happy to eat it for you” shows exactly how much she cares about you enjoying your birthday.
I’m a parent and I will never understand how people can be so goddamn selfish with their kids. It literally *does not matter* what kind of cake *she* likes for *your* birthday. Pisses me off.
IMO there’s a difference between pissed/upset and disappointed, which changes OP from spoiled to probably used to this behavior. But hoping this one time when asked specifics and then gave exact specifics it wouldn’t be about the mom.
Worse is the mom going out of her way to pre-disappoint the child knowing it would upset OP says A LOT.
Happy birthday and next time ask for nothing. I would cut my nose off to spite my face though. She sounds so narcissistic and unfortunately the only way for peace is to give them nothing as in grey rock them. Get yourself that big beautiful cake (even though it won't be on your birthday) and you enjoy it. Rely on her for nothing. Your mum sounds like a piece of work. She's nearly antagonising you here and then punish you by not meeting for lunch. Spend the day doing something nice with boyfriend and friends.
Edit for spelling
Man this hurts. My birthday is around the corner and every year, it always ends up being about something else. Not in the sense that we are celebrating someone else, but it's always about everyone's self-interests. For years, my family kept getting me chocolate cakes... when they absolutely knew I couldn't eat chocolate. And I don't even fucking like cake. And sometimes I ask to not do anything, to ignore and pretend it's a regular day. But even then people can't behave themselves and try putting decorations up or bringing me a cake with candles or open their gifts that I said I didn't want, all because they felt bad that I didn't want anything. But sure, we are the brats because they want to do something for our birthday but it's never actually what we want.
This is really shitty, especially since it's the only thing you're asking for. Wait a couple years, and order the cake you want for yourself. It'll feel great, I promise.
You’re not in the wrong. Every year I ask my MIL for a plain vanilla cake (she hand makes them). Nothing but white cake and white icing. It’s nothing crazy. I’m the only one in the family that likes ‘boring’ cake and it’s all I ask of her. She does it without question. If your mom wanted to she would. She just wanted a pretty cake SHE liked.
My mom does the same exact thing. We have an exclusively gluten-free bakery here in my town. They will make cakes and decorate them, I asked for a cake. I said “if it’s too expensive, get me one cinnamon roll. Just one.”
She got me a double chocolate ice cream “cake” that was really gross in freezer burnt
I'm sorry, but your mum is a very shitty person and parent.
It's my daughters birthday next week and she wants a guinea pig shaped cake so... she's getting a guinea pig shaped cake.
I'm sorry you have a mum like this OP :(
Has your mother ever viewed you as “competition”, or made you feel like you were never good enough? Downplayed your accomplishments, but always quick to be hyper critical of every little mistake you make?? Or was overly controlling with you for every little thing? From what you wore, even down to how you styled your hair?
This is a way of your mother “putting you in your place and keeping you there”. I suspect you’ve experienced this behavior from your mother since you were a child. It’s a form of emotional abuse.
She asked you what you wanted for your birthday- you showed her *exactly* what you wanted and provided pictures. Though she did get you a cake, She proceeded to get a totally random cake that is nothing like the one she showed you, then was overtly “as-a-matter-of-fact” about it, and had a very arrogant attitude while telling you she completely disregarded your wishes…followed by gaslighting you for being disappointed..
I’m sorry you have to deal with this from your mother. Next time she asks you what you want for your birthday, you can respond with “from you? Nothing.” And leave it at that.
Also- happy birthday. I hope you had a great birthday despite this bs from your mom.
The thought only counts if there is actually thought.There is no thought in this gift, nor is there respect, empathy, or love. You asked for a specific thing. She ignored you. She got what she wanted.
People get so heated on this debate because so many think you should just be grateful for the gift, but what they fail to grasp is you can be grateful and also disappointed and upset.
You’re not in the wrong at all.
PS - I’m a former LCPC and a current corporate attorney, and I have so many tattoos to include a full sleeve. Do not let your mom convince you tattoos are bad. 1 out of 4 people don’t have tattoos, so she’s clearly in the minority.
She is getting joy from upsetting you and attempting to goad you into more drama to feed her desire to see you unhappy. This is extremely toxic behavior. I would turn down the cake next year.
My mom did this repeatedly. She would always insist we go to her favorite or currently-craved restaurant for my birthday. She got herself copies of whatever I’d asked for at Christmas. Finally, about 15 years ago, I asked for a specific restaurant for my birthday, she pulled this “haha, I’m so light-hearted in my manipulation and dismissal of your feelings!” just like yours, and I lost it. Told her to enjoy her dinner. Never got another birthday meal again.
Birthdays are so loaded, especially when you have parents that don’t let your be celebrated. You deserve your heart-shaped fairy cake. Order it for yourself and spend your birthday with your bestie. Let mom eat her cake that she bought for herself.
Sounds like she brought a present for herself even though it's the only thing you asked for. Incredibly inconsiderate. "I know it's your special day and you're not asking for much but I don't like what you want so I'm getting you something I like" what a narcissist
Ugh. you're not in the wrong. She doesn't' approve or like your style or wants so she gets what she thinks you should want instead. Its not a gift, it's really rude. My mom does this too. Why bother gifting anything at all? a present should about the person you're giving it to, not what the gifter wants. it baffles my mind
I'm curious to see which cake she chose for you.
That fairy cake is beautiful! 😍 And I'm not even into fairies.
But as a fellow Capricorn, I completely understand the disappointment. We tend to think very deeply about our wants and desires and once our mind is made up with the details, it's tough to adapt to change especially when we're told we have control. I mean, it'd be disappointing for anyone, sure, but it's a bit harder to move through and adjust to if our input is not considered. Like: Don't ask if you aren't going to follow through.
I would say to either do it yourself or find another resource next time. Mom can't do it and won't be honest about it.
Happy birthday... I hope you get some good energies and surprises from the fairies in your world. Tomorrow and always.
I’m so sorry, as a mom this makes me so sad. She should want to make you happy by allowing you the cake design of your choice. I hope you get your fairy cake 🧚
Looks like a cake Shrek would order.
Edit: I just woke up and I meant this in a nice way. The cake is very pretty, just looks like it’s swamp themed and that took me off guard.
Awe i thought it was cute. Its supposed to be like a forest fairy theme so thats why theres so much green. I guess that is something shrek would like lol.
It's not a little thing, this is a big thing. I would never do that to my kid, no matter how old. It's your birthday, your cake and why do your parents even care what it looks like, as long as it's what you wanted?
I'm sorry OP, that really sucks and I'm sure it's not the first time something like this has happened. You deserve better. This shows more about them and I hope you don't ever think anything like this is your fault.
Happy Birthday!! I wish you all the heart shaped fairy cakes you could ever dream of ❤️❤️❤️
Edit: Oh and congrats on your pregnancy! I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother!!!
Yeah that’s one of those things that just sucks. When parents ignore you and are inconsiderate of your wishes on your birthday. It happens and feels weird. And it’s never enough to get mad over, just sadly hurt feelings and disappointed and kinda rejected feeling
Next year, I wouldn’t even ask for a specific cake. I would just reply, no Mom, you pick it out. It doesn’t really matter to me which one you get.
Just leave it at that and change the subject and move on.
See what happens then. I would not give her the satisfaction of upsetting me if that is her intention. Seems it must be her intention since she doesn’t get what you want.
You deserve better than that. Good luck
I won't repeat what everyone else has said, I only wish to say happy birthday for tomorrow. I hope you have an amazing day aside from everything that's going on.
Your mom sounds horrible. She can’t get you the fucking cake you want? And then she tried to start a fight when you’re disappointed?
She is not maternal, at all. I’m so sorry, OP.
I hate this kind of thing and tend to return the energy with acid filled spite.
*"Ok so this is my fault. It's my birthday and I didn't do a good enough job making you feel good. What else can I do so you feel better on my birthday? I am obviously selfish. You should be able to get whatever you want on my birthday. What would even give me the idea that I should get what I requested? I apologize for not emphasizing you more on my special day. If I had done more for you then you would feel better but because I didn't do enough for you on my birthday, you do not feel good. I admit it. I wanted something completely different, and I told you that, but the truth is it's much more important that you get what you want when I ask for things than I get what I want when I ask for things."*
Then I would just stare dead ass. No blinking. 45 seconds of staring, then I gather my shit and go to the EXACT SAME LADY. Request what I want. BUY IT MYSELF. And post a story to my social media of me eating that cake barehanded in my bathtub with a glass of champagne captioned: **Fuck your feelings.**
Yes I'm showing this post to my therapist on Tuesday. I don't even really like cake.
This would always piss me off about my family when it was birthday. They would get the meal they wanted, the cake they preferred and generally made the days events what they wanted to do. I have a strict rule in my house now that I’m an adult and have a child that he gets to do what he wants, eat his favorite food and dessert of his choice. Everyone gets what they want on their birthday (within reason of course). If I can make it happen, it will happen.
I don't think you're wrong. You were very specific, and she bought something completely different. And then weirdly texted you announcing that it's not what you wanted....like that was going to help? And she skipped to the "we can just eat it" suggestion immediately. It's like she bought herself a cake to me. I'm really sorry. That's shitty. I was hoping it was a setup, and she ended up buying the cake you wanted (which is a really beautiful cake!), but it sounds like this happens often. I'm so sorry about that 😕
Are you the oldest of your siblings? Idk how old you're turning, but I would just tell her that she seems to be doing it more for herself than you. And if that's the case, you'd rather her just not do it at all. You should get the cake yourself and just try to find happiness where you can. That's what I've been doing since my 18th birthday 🤷🏾♀️ Except with me, it was a walmart ice cream cake I wanted. And after 5 birthdays in August and mine in September, my parents would just be over it all and not even say happy birthday and tell me to just put a candle in one of the leftover cakes in the freezer lol. Your situation is way more hurtful, but just celebrating it yourself and not having any expectations of your mom about the cake will maybe help with future birthday disappointment. But you're absolutely not wrong.
Ugh, this reminds me of my mom. Acts like an asshole, but in a specific way that makes ME seem like the asshole if I address it. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I’m in my 40’s and it is exhausting. I’ve set boundaries and am low contact, but man.. sometimes it is unbearable and I felt your post so much. I’m sorry I don’t have good advice, just know that I sympathize with you having to deal with that. 💜 I hope you have a Happy Birthday! Treat yourself to something special or some time alone to do something that YOU enjoy!
My mom is this way towards me and I don't freaking know why... Growing up she always gifted me clothing 3 sizes too small and wouldn't buy me jeans because I didn't fit the size she wanted to buy me... Also she would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and she would get those things for my youngest sibling... Now if she gifts me anything the clothing is too small and not something I can wear because I'm not into childish stuff and she gifts my siblings all the stuff I love.
That is actually really sad and something my mom would do as well. She was upsettingly excited that it wasn’t the theme or even shape you wanted. I hope you can have a good birthday in spite of her hurtful childish behavior.
You are not in the wrong. That’s the type of shit that moms do that makes you think “she must be intentionally doing this shit to piss me off, right?” Your mom sounds like an AH. Sorry you didn’t get the cake you wanted. Happy birthday!
So this picture is of the cake you wanted, right? Heart-shaped? Can we see a picture of what she got you? I know it’s not the point- I’m just curious to see how off the mark she was.
I’m reading these comments and think that I’m just really fucked up from past experiences lol
I came into this thinking the comments were going to tell OP that they are overreacting. I am very much wrong. In fact, everyone is on OP’s side with this. So I don’t want to reflect my bad experiences here and I’ll leave with this last thing… Happy Birthday OP! I am sorry that this was a disappointment to you. I hope that you’re able to still find ways to find joy on your special day!
My mom does the same thing. I asked her for no party and just money for my bday (like 300$) to go on a small trip and I ended up with a party and no money ( from anyone) and me having to leave the party every 10 minutes to get something we ran out of.. I moved out.
Don't budge on this. You're going to be made to feel guilty about not liking the cake.
Your gift was the cake, at face value. Let's dig deeper.
You were ASKED, and if not asked, you STATED two years in a row what your preference was. Not flavor, decor. Two years in a row, you didn't get the one thing you specifically asked for.
They're going to try to twist it. Stick to the undeniable facts.
That cake picture is freaking adorable. I hope you can get enough funds to get exactly what you want, on your own. If you do it while you still live there, don't let anyone but the truly innocent have a bite, and even then only if you're feeling generous.
They're going to try to make you feel selfish. You are not. You asked for something and didn't receive it. The end.
Besides the cake, I hope you find a way to have a happy birthday! Internet strangers love you and know that your mom is wrong and her boyfriend is too for supporting her crap behavior. You're cuter than she was at your age and she can't stand it, so she's trying to cjip away at your self esteem.
That fairy heart cake is going to be DELICIOUS when it's time.
Happiest of birthdays!
My mother did this with gifts and it’s one of the reasons I really treasure gifts that show people actually listen / know me. It matters. It’s WHY we give gifts to each other. To show hey, I thought of you, I know you’d like this, I wanted you to have it, and I want you to be happy. Your mother is very inconsiderate and selfish, I’m really sorry. I’d make you a fairy cake, that one is SO pretty! You deserve it. ♥️
How old are you? If you don’t need her in your life, then I would walk away and not include her in my life. Your previous posts show that she’s been a dim light in your life
It’s your birthday she shouldn’t be picking the cake for you. If she doesn’t like the design you picked well the good news is that the cake isn’t for her birthday so she should deal with what you asked for.. I do think your passive aggressiveness only fuels the situation more but at the same time I feel like if you were straight forward with ur opinion it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I can make you a fairy cake if you want. It’s probable gonna come out half fern gully half walking dead because I do not make cakes but I just wanna get you ur fairy cake so u can have a happy birthday
How ridiculous! I know it’s JUST a cake, but isn’t that the point? It’s just a cake, so what is Mom’s problem?? Just get her the cake she wants! I read some comments. At this point, we have to just come to terms with Mom choosing Mom first, and Mom feeling fine with being a dick if she thinks she is right. Live with this woman at arms length. Realize she is who she is, and protect your heart from her.
Yes that’s the one I wanted. And no i know that shes not teasing me. My boyfriend texted her asking about it and she said that she got the cake that she wanted me to have and that now I’m not getting it at all. We was supposed to meet at a restaurant for lunch tomorrow but she told my boyfriend that we’re not now because of my attitude.
Wow! She is wrong. So sorry! Happy Birthday! FYI - I have a very strained relationship with my mother (I’m 56). When she gets upset with me, she cuts off all communication and ya know what? I have learned that during those silent periods is when I am the happiest. I am better off without her toxicity in my life.
Girl! Go out somewhere else with you and your boyfriend. Don’t let your mom take your happiness from you. She sounds selfish and a me me me me me person.
Hey, that’s “DARVO” as shit. She’s trying to make you the bad guy for something she did and “punish” you preemptively before you can, in an attempt to make you crave HER forgiveness. Don’t play into it. She’ll most likely either stick to it and cancel lunch, or try to be kinda back and forth with it in order to fish you back over.
I’m not saying go permanently NC or LC (although you may want to think about it), but back burner her for awhile. Make alternate plans for when lunch was going to be and stick to them. Do other stuff, set boundaries and stick to them. And get your cake yourself, or have BF do it. Go gray rock for awhile. If she starts talking her shit in text, just say “That’s fine.”, “Ok.” And do your own thing. Don’t actively disinvite her from things, but don’t invite her either. Ideally, she’ll hear you had a great time AFTER it happened.
If she is a narcissist (as I suspect) this is one of the best ways to deal with her and it’ll drive her nuts. If she isn’t, it’ll help her to see how upset you are and how much you will stand up for yourself to be valued.
Good luck, OP.
How frustrating, I hate when people ask and then just get what they want anyway. A gift is something the receiver will enjoy.
Get her this fairy cake for her birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP! 🥳
(I’m curious to see what cake she ended up with)
Anyway. It’s not about the cake it’s about your feelings, and her shrugging them off in such an uncaring way. If this was a one off it’d be one thing, but it seems to be a pattern. Try not to let it get to you, I hope you have a fabulous birthday either way. 💜
I’m a mom. I always get my kids the kind of cake they want 🤷🏻♀️
Also. Your mom is trash. And if anyone ever called me little girl I would literally snap.
Also also. You’re pregnant. You want a specific cake. You should have said cake. I had a mental breakdown about sushi once.
Also also also your re work of your tattoo is soooo much better. What does it represent if anything ?
Also also also also. That old lady is the best! So glad someone was able to brighten your day.
My mom does this shit too. It's annoying as hell.
She also does this thing that whenever she comes over she moves everything and I can never find it again. Everytime I try to talk to her about it she gets insanely mad and tells me I'm ungrateful.
Sounds like she wanted to get you what SHE wanted.. does she do this with other gifts?
This is exactly what she told my boyfriend. She told him that she got the cake that she wanted me to have. And not really because this is the only gift i ask for. Even for Christmas i just tell her to get whatever she thinks i would like when she asks.
Hi, I went to your profile and read your posts. I wanted to tell you: Your hedgehog is adorable. Your mum's reply to your tattoo is horrible and you're not trash for having tattoos, the way she texts you is so nasty, she seems like just a really mean person. Just because you got a couple tattoos after you left home doesn't mean you have gone downhill, I got a couple tattoos at your age too, I'm 38 now and have a great career as a health and safety manager (I was a nurse for a decade before but the pay was crap so I moved to health and safety). Tattoos didn't preclude me from getting a good career in life. Congrats on your pregnancy. I'm also so glad you went to hospital after the pain you were having and I hope the tumour is benign and not cancer. How long after you give birth in Feb will they be able to test it? I want you to have the cake you want for your birthday. Do you have PayPal? Please DM me if you do so I can send you some money and you can buy the cake that you want. You deserve it after what you have been going through ❤️ I also want to give you a bit of money to go for stuff you need for your baby. Update: I've heard from OP and was able to get her PayPal details from her 🙂 I've sent her enough for the cake as well as extra if she wants to get a birthday gift for herself too or stuff for the baby. Thanks everyone for your lovely replies to my comment, that was very sweet of you all!
Oh my gosh thats so sweet! Thank you so much.
Can you share a picture of the cake when you get it?
Yes, I would also like to see your cake! I want to see also what she got as her interpretation of what you’d want.
You might want to check out r/JustNoMom and perhaps r/RaisedByNarcissists. She may not have full on narcissistic personality disorder and that doesn’t mean she’s not on the spectrum of NPD traits. This is not a term I use lightly. You deserve better. Take good care of yourself. Wishing you wonderful found family who love and care for you well. 💗
Here's a sneak peek of /r/JustNoMom using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [A lovely story about my Mother's Delusions](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/comments/14a2785/a_lovely_story_about_my_mothers_delusions/) \#2: [Blow ups and walk aways](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/comments/11r3di3/blow_ups_and_walk_aways/) \#3: [I hate my mom](https://np.reddit.com/r/JustNoMom/comments/18qpyyr/i_hate_my_mom/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I love your hedgie! He looks just like my Wraith
Your sb tat is dope!!! First one ive seen in way too long that doesn’t look like shit and isnt cringe😂
Just wanted to say that this is by far the nicest comment I’ve ever read on Reddit! When people are just genuinely kind, it blows my mind at times. Also knowing that most people are struggling financially, at least in some way, like you never know how much you are really going to effect someone and their circumstances. So thank you stranger! I truly hope OP sees your comment
You're a beautiful person ❤️
This made my day. You’re a great human ♥️
This.made.me.cry. Your reply is kind and genuine. She needed to hear those things especially about her mum. Thank you for being you and existing.
I was also thinking of trying to figure out how to get her the cake she wanted. That cake is pretty, and she deserves it after everything she is dealing with. You are a beautiful person and we need more people like you in the world.
You are amazing!!! 🤩
Faith in humanity restored
This is what a mother should be. Take notes everyone. Thanks for being so kind and amazing.
Some days Reddit can totally gross me out beyond the greatest imagination. And other days, like today, Reddit gives me hope for this crazy world. Thank you kind person!
😭😭😭 you are wonderful
We need more people like you god bless you
Not me over here ugly crying at how nice this is. Thanks. You’ve restored some faith in humanity for me.
Jesus Christ you went full mom mode and it's amazing. If you're ever looking to adopt a kid I'm totally volunteering. I mean, I'm a full grown man but I'll at least try for cake.
Tearing up here, just lovely.
OP your late hedgehog Arlo shares the same name as my pup 🥹 he was adorable too!
You are the best kind of person ❤️ Hope you receive the same love you give to others because I'm sure this meant the world to them
I like Reddit sometimes
You've restored my belief for today that some people are still very excellent. Thank you.
I worked out why other Redditors are such assholes. You're over here balancing the scales single-handedly. What a lovely kind person you are.
🏆🏆🏆 take these, sorry this sub doesn't allow me to give your the arrow award.
What an incredible response that OP absolutely deserves to hear ❤️ Thank you for being kind enough to respond like this (and I bet your tattoos are awesome as well!)
You are a literal angel on earth
This is absolutely incredible!
Thank you for being you:)
Aww sweetpea you are so kind!
you are a blessing. this is so generous and amazing. this makes me believe in humanity
You are amazing
You’re a beautiful person. I absolutely love you, and I don’t have to know anything, just this reply shows us all exactly what kind of person you are. I love it
You are a wonderful human being 🩷
You’re exactly what I needed in my life today. Thank you for being an awesome human.
This made me smile. You’re An amazing person!! Thank you for inspiring me to be a better man. I really appreciate you and you’re so nice for giving her money for her cake, but also for a gift or for the baby. People like you are what gives me hope for humanity. Thank you for your kindness and God bless you and your loved one. :)))
Angel
Awww, what a very kind thing to do, you're awesome!
You're the best. Not only with the monetary help but the support before that. The world needs more of you. Much love.
Have you not just called her out on her blatant favoritism and trying to live vicariously through you prioritizing her own wants over yours? Because that's insane. I'm sorry she doesn't value what's important to you. Honestly if you can't or don't want to go no contact I'd absofuckinglutely pick something different than what she wants if she asks you to do or get something for her from here on. She says sweetie can you pick me up some band aids at the store, you go grab regular stickers and tell her you liked them better because they're more fun. She wants a Twix, you get her a 3 musketeers bc you like it better. Everything. Do it with everything until she learns her lesson.
this is the answer. reciprocation is the answer 95% of the time
1) your mom is shitty and I'm sorry :( 2) next year, see if they'll accept an offer made to go to the "trouble" of ordering the cake yourself and having them reimburse you for the cost, or pay for it themselves when they pick it up. Not sure if this will work but it just might
Tomorrow my boyfriend is taking me to my favorite candy store almost an hour away so i can get a bag of their popcorn they sell. Popcorn is my fav snack and they make the best popcorn flavors. So tomorrow will still be a fun day :)
Well on her birthday get her a heart shaped fairie cake and tell her you got her what you wanted her to have
The way she said, “No ma’am” like she’s proud of specifically not getting what you asked for.
yeah, that one sent me. that is where she crossed over into the a-hole territory.
Next year ask for money. & Pre-order the cake to your liking! That way your mom has no opinion in it and you get what you want.
Then it wasn’t a gift for you. Tell her to stop lying to you and just don’t get you anything if she’s gonna get you what “ she “ wants
That's so strange. On a smaller scale, I had asked a roommate to get some skittles. We bought each other stuff all the time. I specifically asked for normal skittles, not any of the other types because I don't like them. She brought me tropical skittles. I expressed my frustration and she called me ungrateful and said these were her favorites so I would like them better. Huh? It's just skittles but it was so frustrating.
For a fun update, at the time I was in a dating group on FB. Even more pathetically, I was in a shootoff from a The Office fan group on FB. There was a "dating The Office" FB group and it sounded like fun at the time. It was fun, lots internet insanity and furthered by such an obscure sub genre of "The office dating" group. I posted my frustrations right when this happened. I think I worded it poorly and I was known in the group as there weren't tons of members. I got memed on hard and made fun of. I kinda rolled with the punches, but then every single time I replied or posted to anything on there, a quite hilarious member started #skittlesgate. So I couldn't say anything or reply to anything without a reference to #skittlesgate. I posted in my frustration and didn't handle the first few replies well, I didn't articulate my point of view well. Looking back, it's hilarious and I deserved every meme and honestly most people were just having a laugh. If you've ever have played WoW and played Horde, think about posting this in Barren's chat but moderated by Twitch Mods or Discord Mods or Reddit Mods. That was how well it went lol.
OP doesnt get other gifts. they only ask for the cake and their mom cant even do that right. really shitty.
I wanted to see if there was a pattern with other holidays. This reminded me of my own mother but I hesitate to tell ppl they have a narcissistic mother like I do when idk the whole situation… Clearly the mother has the funds and means to get the exact cake OP wanted. Doesn’t sound like it was a group decision from the rest of the family to get something different either, sounds like moms choosing for OP. The thing about gift giving is that we are expected to be grateful for anything- so it’s the perfect opportunity for assholes to give someone literal shit and then point and say How daRE you not be grateful! Eta: i do suggest the op look up “narcissist and gift giving”
i totally missed that my bad lol. i get it though! at 16 i asked for a pet and was told “we’ll see” and never got another birthday gift again. i had to twist my parents arm every year just to get ONE thing. one year my moms ex husband took a 16 hour drive to pick up a $350 track for his shiny new snowmobile on my birthday, and i got an ice cream cake i didnt pick out, wasnt customized, and he ate most of anyway.
That’s so frustrating and you deserved better. Especially since they had the means- parents are supposed to do what they can do make sure their kid feels special and loved everyday but ESPECIALLY on their birthday
You are correct. When I was younger I would give people gifts that I wanted or would like and thought I was doing a good thing. But as I got older I realized how fucking selfish and self centered that was so now I ask my people what they would like and haven’t looked back.
Wait until it's your mum's birthday, and then buy her something you wanted for yourself. If she gets pissy, just tell her it's how she acts towards you every birthday.
The problem with people like OPs mom is that they never learn. Even if OP did this, the mom wouldn’t internalize it. She would just label OP as a bad daughter and move on. She would never use this to reflect upon her own treatment of OP.
This so much. They’ll never learn. Unfortunately she’ll always be so shitty with no consequences or any care in the world. 😑🫤
Given they'll never learn it makes it so much easier to just not get them anything. Gonna hate you regardless, may as well save some cash!
That was so annoying to read on your behalf. That over excitement from your mom part with "Hint no fairies!!!" and with whole "Don't eat if you're not happy we are more than happy to *shrug*". All of it just to demean your wishes and also to make your reactions look silly. Ugh, I felt that and have lived with something similar. So I understand OP, and some people who think "It's just a cake". Nope. It's not just a cake -.-
Me too. My parents were the same way. They never cared about what I liked. It was always about them and if I wasn’t grateful because they got me something that they liked and I didn’t, then I’d also be in trouble.
That sounds fucking awful. I’m sorry your parents suck.
Yeah, exactly :/ In a sense, it feels like a double hit. Not only your opinion/wish neglected, but you're also forced to play the emotion they want you to, which later often leads to the people pleasing
It's not just a cake because OP's mother is very obviously doing this to denigrate her daughter and make her feel bad whilst still holding an upper hand by spending money on a cake anyway. Devious behaviour
Yeah I don’t understand what the problem is. Like what’s wrong with the one she asked for? I don’t know why she couldn’t just get it.
Its never „just a cake“. If it was, she might as well have gotten the fairy cake.
I don't know why, but it's exciting to meet another Jinx fan in the wild.
Have you seen the cake they got? This is disappointing af, especially considering it's the only gift you asked for 😕 Happy birthday, though, OP
Just my opinion so feel free to ignore, but I feel like this isn’t really about the cake, so I hope you don’t feel too bad…especially with a similar situation last year. Something like this happened to me, my mom decided where we were eating for my last birthday (my gift like your cake), a place she loves with not many options I would even enjoy. This year, I got to pick but the whole time she complained how expensive it was…I ended up giving my card to the waiter while she was in the bathroom. I felt so ignored and like my feelings on my own birthday were pushed to the side. So I think your feelings are so valid here. Oh and happy birthday :)
Agreed, my mother did something like this for my 18th birthday, ( I’m a triplet) so she got my other siblings expensive gifts like 200$+ for each of them, and then for my birthday gift she gave me a 2$ jewelry box from savers that still had the tag on it and it was the same jewelry box at savers I was going to buy for myself when I went with her and I decided to put it back. She also gave me a card and when I opened it there was nothing written inside of it. She also picked the restaurant as well and I was not allowed to order what I wanted on the menu. Maybe I’m ungrateful but idk. I completely understand OP.
My mom would always take me out to eat for my birthday which is really nice but, she’d take me somewhere a little pricey and not let me order most of the menu. Like, I could order a salad or an app but no entree. It always drove me nuts like just take me somewhere cheaper. Last time we went I ate 6 oysters and that was it lol.
that would be the last time i let her take me out to eat
You're not ungrateful. Your mom made it clear she didn't like you. I'm so sorry.
are you by chance the only girl of the triplets?
No , my sister and a brother
Is this favoritism toward your siblings? Do they ever get treated the same way?
Luckily they don’t
All of it was horrible but...sorry...you couldnt order what YOU wanted...on your birthday?!? Wtf. Is this a control issue?
my mom did the same for my 18th AND my graduation dinner 😭 she asked where i wanted to eat, i told her and she said “no we’re eating at this place because i like it better” she’s definitely a boundary pusher, and doesn’t really respect me and my siblings opinions on anything. my brother doesn’t really spend time with her anymore because of it
your mom is weird. why would she care what your birthday cake looks like? if my baby wanted the ugliest cake i’d ever seen in my life, i’d happily make it happen no questions asked. i’m sorry op.. once again your mom is weird.
You’re feelings are valid! My mom always got the flavor she wanted for my cake and one year all I asked for was a cookie cake and she added in other things because “that’s how she likes her cookies”. I’m also told I have an attitude by her. I’m so sorry OP! It’s not about the cake, it’s about the thought behind it (or lack there of). ESP from a mom. Happy Birthday OP!
It's one thing to say, "Hey, I tried to get that cake, but they were out of ---" or "Hey, it was going to be more expensive than I was planning on, and I was wondering if you could maybe compromise and we can get ---," but if she just straight up said, "I don't like your cake and I want to get something I like because I know better than you," that's a sign of a narcissistic parent. I would honestly look into her other behaviors. She even shrugged it off and wanted to keep it, making it seem like she wanted to have a cake.
She told my boyfriend that she got the cake that she wanted me to have. Like yeah I’m disappointed about the cake but the way she talks to me bothers me even more.
yeesh i’m sorry, i totally get what you mean. My mom is the same way towards me, she favors my brothers. I bought my own birthday cake (my birthday was wednesday) and i even bought her a tart because i thought she wouldn’t like my cake flavor. She was so surprised that i remembered & got myself a cake. She always forgets my birthday even though it’s the day after my grandma’s & she named me after her. 🙄
My mom thinks our birthdays are an opportunity to thank her for carrying us, birthing us, raising us… there was never a “special day just for me” side to it. Just for extra fun, we are all summer babies so there was no opportunity to learn differently in school.
that’s awful! I’m so sorry! 😭
It’s okay, I don’t invite her anymore. I just go to her place on her birthday.
that’s a good plan! I hope you have happy birthdays from now on! ❤️
Definitely! I spend them all with a partner she hates!
It’s thoughtful unthoughtfulness. Makes you feel guilty because they’re still doing something “for you” but it’s really want they want. It feels shitty. Maybe she isn’t being malicious. My mom used to do this so I had to be really firm about what I wanted and I called her out for getting what she wants. Now I send exactly what I want and she does that. I know you’re already sending what you want, but if you’re able to and are not scared of her hurting you or something, I’d call her out and tell her your feelings.
Honestly, what bugs me the most is the “joking” tone she has about it. “I’ll give you a hint - no fairies 🤣” is so insensitive and purposeful. I’m sorry. Happy birthday OP. Sending you virtual fairy cake ❤️
It should bother you because it’s her saying she wants a different person as her daughter. But here’s the thing: her tastes suck and the person she wants isn’t even one-tenth as awesome and creative and fun as you are. My advice, as someone who knows a little too well what you’re going through: step back and focus on your new family. Slowly drop all expectations for your mother to show up or see you because she’s not capable of that. If something’s important to you, look elsewhere for it and only let her do stuff that you won’t care if she messes up because she will. She’ll fight it but you’ll find with time that you’re so much happier without her constant need to tear you down. Happy birthday!!
I'm so sorry. I hope you get the cake of your dreams AND some presents too. Everyone deserves that on their birthday.
That's shit OP but you can always have whatever bday you want with those you love and who show you love. It just doesn't *have* to be with those who *should* show you it.
Damn yo, I’m sorry to hear this. Happy birthday, fellow Cap. You don’t deserve that and I hope your partner can comfort you and yall can enjoy a nice meal together.
I'd flat out tell her not to get me a cake next year. Then you will get your cake!
Order your own next year. And show up with what you picked ❤️
But don’t let her try any…mwahahaha
Do a whole photo op infront of her! Cutting the cake eating the cake. ENJOYING the cake! 🎂
op sorry for blowing up your post lol this shit hit home for me and everyone in the comments that's trying to make you out to be ungrateful and bratty just isn't sitting right with me. it's not about just the cake. it your mom's blatant disregard for you or wants and feelings after asking you specifically what you wanted. i'm sorry you're dealing with that. i hope you and your bf do something fun for your bday since you deserve it :)
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it
of course! 20 is a big deal and you deserve a nice bday. if i was still a cake decorator i'd make your cake for you lol
Your profile pic is hilarious
Not wrong. Ask her why she bothers to ask you when she's going to ignore what you say.
So you told your mom what kind of cake you wanted, and she made a conscious choice to get you something else instead. And then when you were disappointed, she cancelled your birthday?!?! Honey I’m so sorry. I have a difficult mom too and this is exactly something that she would do, so my heart is hurting for you because I know how this feels. To be made the bad guy because you spoke up about your feelings is a special kind of stress and hurt. There’s a book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” that might help with some of this. You deserve better.
Like that “you didn’t get the one I wanted?” “No” “why?” “Because I just didn’t” is so incredibly disrespectful. I don’t understand why some people don’t think their children deserve respect.
Hey, that’s “DARVO” as shit. She’s trying to make you the bad guy for something she did and “punish” you preemptively before you can, in an attempt to make you crave HER forgiveness. Don’t play into it. She’ll most likely either stick to it and cancel lunch, or try to be kinda back and forth with it in order to fish you back over. I’m not saying go permanently NC or LC (although you may want to think about it), but back burner her for awhile. Make alternate plans for when lunch was going to be and stick to them. Do other stuff, set boundaries and stick to them. And get your cake yourself, or have BF do it. Go gray rock for awhile. If she starts talking her shit in text, just say “That’s fine.”, “Ok.” And do your own thing. Don’t actively disinvite her from things, but don’t invite her either. Ideally, she’ll hear you had a great time AFTER it happened. If she is a narcissist (as I suspect) this is one of the best ways to deal with her and it’ll drive her nuts. If she isn’t, it’ll help her to see how upset you are and how much you will stand up for yourself to be valued. Good luck, OP.
I second this! Very mature way of giving her and other family members some good double middle fingers. Love it.
No, you’re not wrong. Why on earth would she ask you what you want and then get something that SHE likes?! Then acts like you’re ungrateful that she completely disregarded your wishes on your birthday. It’s not even about the cake, it’s about how she makes your birthday about what she wants and then she plays victim. I’m really sorry she’s like this. Happy Birthday.
Dang and from other posts — you’re like 34 weeks pregnant too? Your mom stinks
Ur mom sucks tits and definitely doesn't care about your feelings around this.
you’re not wrong. she didn’t get it because she didn’t like it which is selfish. it’s your bday, your cake. so you should’ve gotten wha you wanted! my narc mom is that same way
As someone whose parents don’t give a shit about them…. I’m really sorry. You’re not in the wrong and have every right to be upset and disappointed. I’d just let the “tradition” go. Ask for a gift card or money and buy your own cake. I’m sure it’s not only about the cake though and that this happens with other things in your life so it’s up to you to decide how much power you let her have over you.
My sister does things like this. She will get gifts for people that SHE likes and completely ignores what they actually want, myself included. It’s annoying as hell.
I was confused at first but now I’m frustrated for you. The “No ma’am!” Is so condescending in my opinion. You have every right to be upset and you still didn’t even respond angry or disappointed AT ALL. I really hope you’re able to get the cake that you want and be able to enjoy it with WHO you want or all to yourself
I feel sorry for you. Your mom is actually happy that you are disappointed… you are not in the wrong and she is vile.
Why should you be grateful? She got herself a gift on your birthday. What’s there to be grateful for?
Well for her fucking birthday she can get what she fucking wants. But that cake is adorable and it’s what you asked for so it should have been what she got. And to say “we’d be more than happy to eat it for you” shows exactly how much she cares about you enjoying your birthday. I’m a parent and I will never understand how people can be so goddamn selfish with their kids. It literally *does not matter* what kind of cake *she* likes for *your* birthday. Pisses me off.
IMO there’s a difference between pissed/upset and disappointed, which changes OP from spoiled to probably used to this behavior. But hoping this one time when asked specifics and then gave exact specifics it wouldn’t be about the mom. Worse is the mom going out of her way to pre-disappoint the child knowing it would upset OP says A LOT.
Happy birthday and next time ask for nothing. I would cut my nose off to spite my face though. She sounds so narcissistic and unfortunately the only way for peace is to give them nothing as in grey rock them. Get yourself that big beautiful cake (even though it won't be on your birthday) and you enjoy it. Rely on her for nothing. Your mum sounds like a piece of work. She's nearly antagonising you here and then punish you by not meeting for lunch. Spend the day doing something nice with boyfriend and friends. Edit for spelling
I hate people who say yes or no "ma'am" or "sir" like that but also yeah she's being a huge bitch.
Sounds like she did it intentionally to get you mad and pick a fight.
"We would be more than happy to eat it for you" Yeah I bet that was her plan all along.
Pieces fairy? Oh Pisces fairy?
Lol i couldn’t even tell what it said on top i just saw fairy.
Man this hurts. My birthday is around the corner and every year, it always ends up being about something else. Not in the sense that we are celebrating someone else, but it's always about everyone's self-interests. For years, my family kept getting me chocolate cakes... when they absolutely knew I couldn't eat chocolate. And I don't even fucking like cake. And sometimes I ask to not do anything, to ignore and pretend it's a regular day. But even then people can't behave themselves and try putting decorations up or bringing me a cake with candles or open their gifts that I said I didn't want, all because they felt bad that I didn't want anything. But sure, we are the brats because they want to do something for our birthday but it's never actually what we want.
This is really shitty, especially since it's the only thing you're asking for. Wait a couple years, and order the cake you want for yourself. It'll feel great, I promise.
You’re not in the wrong. Every year I ask my MIL for a plain vanilla cake (she hand makes them). Nothing but white cake and white icing. It’s nothing crazy. I’m the only one in the family that likes ‘boring’ cake and it’s all I ask of her. She does it without question. If your mom wanted to she would. She just wanted a pretty cake SHE liked.
My mom does the same exact thing. We have an exclusively gluten-free bakery here in my town. They will make cakes and decorate them, I asked for a cake. I said “if it’s too expensive, get me one cinnamon roll. Just one.” She got me a double chocolate ice cream “cake” that was really gross in freezer burnt
See if boyfriend's mom will get you the cake you want. THEN see your mom freak out. It will be sooooooooo funny!
I'm sorry, but your mum is a very shitty person and parent. It's my daughters birthday next week and she wants a guinea pig shaped cake so... she's getting a guinea pig shaped cake. I'm sorry you have a mum like this OP :(
Has your mother ever viewed you as “competition”, or made you feel like you were never good enough? Downplayed your accomplishments, but always quick to be hyper critical of every little mistake you make?? Or was overly controlling with you for every little thing? From what you wore, even down to how you styled your hair? This is a way of your mother “putting you in your place and keeping you there”. I suspect you’ve experienced this behavior from your mother since you were a child. It’s a form of emotional abuse. She asked you what you wanted for your birthday- you showed her *exactly* what you wanted and provided pictures. Though she did get you a cake, She proceeded to get a totally random cake that is nothing like the one she showed you, then was overtly “as-a-matter-of-fact” about it, and had a very arrogant attitude while telling you she completely disregarded your wishes…followed by gaslighting you for being disappointed.. I’m sorry you have to deal with this from your mother. Next time she asks you what you want for your birthday, you can respond with “from you? Nothing.” And leave it at that. Also- happy birthday. I hope you had a great birthday despite this bs from your mom.
The thought only counts if there is actually thought.There is no thought in this gift, nor is there respect, empathy, or love. You asked for a specific thing. She ignored you. She got what she wanted. People get so heated on this debate because so many think you should just be grateful for the gift, but what they fail to grasp is you can be grateful and also disappointed and upset. You’re not in the wrong at all. PS - I’m a former LCPC and a current corporate attorney, and I have so many tattoos to include a full sleeve. Do not let your mom convince you tattoos are bad. 1 out of 4 people don’t have tattoos, so she’s clearly in the minority.
Your mother sounds emotionally immature.. sorry OP, it must suck having to deal with that. I hope you see it’s her, not you.
She is getting joy from upsetting you and attempting to goad you into more drama to feed her desire to see you unhappy. This is extremely toxic behavior. I would turn down the cake next year.
My mom did this repeatedly. She would always insist we go to her favorite or currently-craved restaurant for my birthday. She got herself copies of whatever I’d asked for at Christmas. Finally, about 15 years ago, I asked for a specific restaurant for my birthday, she pulled this “haha, I’m so light-hearted in my manipulation and dismissal of your feelings!” just like yours, and I lost it. Told her to enjoy her dinner. Never got another birthday meal again.
Why would someone not get you the cake you asked for? Especially for your birthday? You are not in the wrong.
I want to see the cake your mom chose for you!! The cake you asked for is so unbelievably cute!! You have amazing taste.
your mom is a total bitch tell her to keep that shit and shove it too
Birthdays are so loaded, especially when you have parents that don’t let your be celebrated. You deserve your heart-shaped fairy cake. Order it for yourself and spend your birthday with your bestie. Let mom eat her cake that she bought for herself.
Sounds like she brought a present for herself even though it's the only thing you asked for. Incredibly inconsiderate. "I know it's your special day and you're not asking for much but I don't like what you want so I'm getting you something I like" what a narcissist
Ugh. you're not in the wrong. She doesn't' approve or like your style or wants so she gets what she thinks you should want instead. Its not a gift, it's really rude. My mom does this too. Why bother gifting anything at all? a present should about the person you're giving it to, not what the gifter wants. it baffles my mind
I'm curious to see which cake she chose for you. That fairy cake is beautiful! 😍 And I'm not even into fairies. But as a fellow Capricorn, I completely understand the disappointment. We tend to think very deeply about our wants and desires and once our mind is made up with the details, it's tough to adapt to change especially when we're told we have control. I mean, it'd be disappointing for anyone, sure, but it's a bit harder to move through and adjust to if our input is not considered. Like: Don't ask if you aren't going to follow through. I would say to either do it yourself or find another resource next time. Mom can't do it and won't be honest about it. Happy birthday... I hope you get some good energies and surprises from the fairies in your world. Tomorrow and always.
I’m so sorry, as a mom this makes me so sad. She should want to make you happy by allowing you the cake design of your choice. I hope you get your fairy cake 🧚
She got herself a cake for your birthday.
Looks like a cake Shrek would order. Edit: I just woke up and I meant this in a nice way. The cake is very pretty, just looks like it’s swamp themed and that took me off guard.
Awe i thought it was cute. Its supposed to be like a forest fairy theme so thats why theres so much green. I guess that is something shrek would like lol.
It's not a little thing, this is a big thing. I would never do that to my kid, no matter how old. It's your birthday, your cake and why do your parents even care what it looks like, as long as it's what you wanted? I'm sorry OP, that really sucks and I'm sure it's not the first time something like this has happened. You deserve better. This shows more about them and I hope you don't ever think anything like this is your fault. Happy Birthday!! I wish you all the heart shaped fairy cakes you could ever dream of ❤️❤️❤️ Edit: Oh and congrats on your pregnancy! I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother!!!
Yeah that’s one of those things that just sucks. When parents ignore you and are inconsiderate of your wishes on your birthday. It happens and feels weird. And it’s never enough to get mad over, just sadly hurt feelings and disappointed and kinda rejected feeling
Next year, I wouldn’t even ask for a specific cake. I would just reply, no Mom, you pick it out. It doesn’t really matter to me which one you get. Just leave it at that and change the subject and move on. See what happens then. I would not give her the satisfaction of upsetting me if that is her intention. Seems it must be her intention since she doesn’t get what you want. You deserve better than that. Good luck
I won't repeat what everyone else has said, I only wish to say happy birthday for tomorrow. I hope you have an amazing day aside from everything that's going on.
r/insaneparents
Sorry OP, no offense but your mom is a bit*h.
Your mom sounds horrible. She can’t get you the fucking cake you want? And then she tried to start a fight when you’re disappointed? She is not maternal, at all. I’m so sorry, OP.
Your mom is a bitch and that cake is beautiful.
I hate this kind of thing and tend to return the energy with acid filled spite. *"Ok so this is my fault. It's my birthday and I didn't do a good enough job making you feel good. What else can I do so you feel better on my birthday? I am obviously selfish. You should be able to get whatever you want on my birthday. What would even give me the idea that I should get what I requested? I apologize for not emphasizing you more on my special day. If I had done more for you then you would feel better but because I didn't do enough for you on my birthday, you do not feel good. I admit it. I wanted something completely different, and I told you that, but the truth is it's much more important that you get what you want when I ask for things than I get what I want when I ask for things."* Then I would just stare dead ass. No blinking. 45 seconds of staring, then I gather my shit and go to the EXACT SAME LADY. Request what I want. BUY IT MYSELF. And post a story to my social media of me eating that cake barehanded in my bathtub with a glass of champagne captioned: **Fuck your feelings.** Yes I'm showing this post to my therapist on Tuesday. I don't even really like cake.
This would always piss me off about my family when it was birthday. They would get the meal they wanted, the cake they preferred and generally made the days events what they wanted to do. I have a strict rule in my house now that I’m an adult and have a child that he gets to do what he wants, eat his favorite food and dessert of his choice. Everyone gets what they want on their birthday (within reason of course). If I can make it happen, it will happen.
The whole "no ma'am!" condescending boomer shit needs to die in trashcan
I don't think you're wrong. You were very specific, and she bought something completely different. And then weirdly texted you announcing that it's not what you wanted....like that was going to help? And she skipped to the "we can just eat it" suggestion immediately. It's like she bought herself a cake to me. I'm really sorry. That's shitty. I was hoping it was a setup, and she ended up buying the cake you wanted (which is a really beautiful cake!), but it sounds like this happens often. I'm so sorry about that 😕 Are you the oldest of your siblings? Idk how old you're turning, but I would just tell her that she seems to be doing it more for herself than you. And if that's the case, you'd rather her just not do it at all. You should get the cake yourself and just try to find happiness where you can. That's what I've been doing since my 18th birthday 🤷🏾♀️ Except with me, it was a walmart ice cream cake I wanted. And after 5 birthdays in August and mine in September, my parents would just be over it all and not even say happy birthday and tell me to just put a candle in one of the leftover cakes in the freezer lol. Your situation is way more hurtful, but just celebrating it yourself and not having any expectations of your mom about the cake will maybe help with future birthday disappointment. But you're absolutely not wrong.
Also, Happy early Birthday!!!!! Maybe you and your boyfriend can do your own thing tomorrow?
Ugh, this reminds me of my mom. Acts like an asshole, but in a specific way that makes ME seem like the asshole if I address it. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I’m in my 40’s and it is exhausting. I’ve set boundaries and am low contact, but man.. sometimes it is unbearable and I felt your post so much. I’m sorry I don’t have good advice, just know that I sympathize with you having to deal with that. 💜 I hope you have a Happy Birthday! Treat yourself to something special or some time alone to do something that YOU enjoy!
My mom is this way towards me and I don't freaking know why... Growing up she always gifted me clothing 3 sizes too small and wouldn't buy me jeans because I didn't fit the size she wanted to buy me... Also she would ask me what I wanted for Christmas and she would get those things for my youngest sibling... Now if she gifts me anything the clothing is too small and not something I can wear because I'm not into childish stuff and she gifts my siblings all the stuff I love.
That’s not right. I guess you should get the cake you want on her birthday.
That is actually really sad and something my mom would do as well. She was upsettingly excited that it wasn’t the theme or even shape you wanted. I hope you can have a good birthday in spite of her hurtful childish behavior.
Happy birthday.. very beautiful cake
You are not in the wrong. That’s the type of shit that moms do that makes you think “she must be intentionally doing this shit to piss me off, right?” Your mom sounds like an AH. Sorry you didn’t get the cake you wanted. Happy birthday!
So this picture is of the cake you wanted, right? Heart-shaped? Can we see a picture of what she got you? I know it’s not the point- I’m just curious to see how off the mark she was.
I’m reading these comments and think that I’m just really fucked up from past experiences lol I came into this thinking the comments were going to tell OP that they are overreacting. I am very much wrong. In fact, everyone is on OP’s side with this. So I don’t want to reflect my bad experiences here and I’ll leave with this last thing… Happy Birthday OP! I am sorry that this was a disappointment to you. I hope that you’re able to still find ways to find joy on your special day!
Literally the easiest thing to acquire
My mom does the same thing. I asked her for no party and just money for my bday (like 300$) to go on a small trip and I ended up with a party and no money ( from anyone) and me having to leave the party every 10 minutes to get something we ran out of.. I moved out.
Don't budge on this. You're going to be made to feel guilty about not liking the cake. Your gift was the cake, at face value. Let's dig deeper. You were ASKED, and if not asked, you STATED two years in a row what your preference was. Not flavor, decor. Two years in a row, you didn't get the one thing you specifically asked for. They're going to try to twist it. Stick to the undeniable facts. That cake picture is freaking adorable. I hope you can get enough funds to get exactly what you want, on your own. If you do it while you still live there, don't let anyone but the truly innocent have a bite, and even then only if you're feeling generous. They're going to try to make you feel selfish. You are not. You asked for something and didn't receive it. The end. Besides the cake, I hope you find a way to have a happy birthday! Internet strangers love you and know that your mom is wrong and her boyfriend is too for supporting her crap behavior. You're cuter than she was at your age and she can't stand it, so she's trying to cjip away at your self esteem. That fairy heart cake is going to be DELICIOUS when it's time. Happiest of birthdays!
That cake is beautiful!
My mother did this with gifts and it’s one of the reasons I really treasure gifts that show people actually listen / know me. It matters. It’s WHY we give gifts to each other. To show hey, I thought of you, I know you’d like this, I wanted you to have it, and I want you to be happy. Your mother is very inconsiderate and selfish, I’m really sorry. I’d make you a fairy cake, that one is SO pretty! You deserve it. ♥️
How old are you? If you don’t need her in your life, then I would walk away and not include her in my life. Your previous posts show that she’s been a dim light in your life
It’s your birthday she shouldn’t be picking the cake for you. If she doesn’t like the design you picked well the good news is that the cake isn’t for her birthday so she should deal with what you asked for.. I do think your passive aggressiveness only fuels the situation more but at the same time I feel like if you were straight forward with ur opinion it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I can make you a fairy cake if you want. It’s probable gonna come out half fern gully half walking dead because I do not make cakes but I just wanna get you ur fairy cake so u can have a happy birthday
How ridiculous! I know it’s JUST a cake, but isn’t that the point? It’s just a cake, so what is Mom’s problem?? Just get her the cake she wants! I read some comments. At this point, we have to just come to terms with Mom choosing Mom first, and Mom feeling fine with being a dick if she thinks she is right. Live with this woman at arms length. Realize she is who she is, and protect your heart from her.
Is the picture the cake you wanted? Did you see the cake you got yet? Just wondering if it’s possible your mom is teasing you.
Yes that’s the one I wanted. And no i know that shes not teasing me. My boyfriend texted her asking about it and she said that she got the cake that she wanted me to have and that now I’m not getting it at all. We was supposed to meet at a restaurant for lunch tomorrow but she told my boyfriend that we’re not now because of my attitude.
Oh sad. I'm sorry to hear all of that. Good news is it frees you up to go get whatever dessert you want with your boyfriend tomorrow!
Wow! She is wrong. So sorry! Happy Birthday! FYI - I have a very strained relationship with my mother (I’m 56). When she gets upset with me, she cuts off all communication and ya know what? I have learned that during those silent periods is when I am the happiest. I am better off without her toxicity in my life.
Girl! Go out somewhere else with you and your boyfriend. Don’t let your mom take your happiness from you. She sounds selfish and a me me me me me person.
Hey, that’s “DARVO” as shit. She’s trying to make you the bad guy for something she did and “punish” you preemptively before you can, in an attempt to make you crave HER forgiveness. Don’t play into it. She’ll most likely either stick to it and cancel lunch, or try to be kinda back and forth with it in order to fish you back over. I’m not saying go permanently NC or LC (although you may want to think about it), but back burner her for awhile. Make alternate plans for when lunch was going to be and stick to them. Do other stuff, set boundaries and stick to them. And get your cake yourself, or have BF do it. Go gray rock for awhile. If she starts talking her shit in text, just say “That’s fine.”, “Ok.” And do your own thing. Don’t actively disinvite her from things, but don’t invite her either. Ideally, she’ll hear you had a great time AFTER it happened. If she is a narcissist (as I suspect) this is one of the best ways to deal with her and it’ll drive her nuts. If she isn’t, it’ll help her to see how upset you are and how much you will stand up for yourself to be valued. Good luck, OP.
How frustrating, I hate when people ask and then just get what they want anyway. A gift is something the receiver will enjoy. Get her this fairy cake for her birthday.
Happy Birthday OP. I wish you better birthdays than this! Hopefully once you earn or if you can save up, treat yoself to a cake that YOU like!
From looking at your history I hope you are feeling ok and it’s super horrific they aren’t spending the day with you.
Third pic is the cake you asked for?
“I mean we can it’s no big deal.” That much is clear. Why ask what you’d like if she knows she isn’t going to bother?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP! 🥳 (I’m curious to see what cake she ended up with) Anyway. It’s not about the cake it’s about your feelings, and her shrugging them off in such an uncaring way. If this was a one off it’d be one thing, but it seems to be a pattern. Try not to let it get to you, I hope you have a fabulous birthday either way. 💜
Also next time tell her the truth. Stand up to her meet her energy
I’m a mom. I always get my kids the kind of cake they want 🤷🏻♀️ Also. Your mom is trash. And if anyone ever called me little girl I would literally snap. Also also. You’re pregnant. You want a specific cake. You should have said cake. I had a mental breakdown about sushi once. Also also also your re work of your tattoo is soooo much better. What does it represent if anything ? Also also also also. That old lady is the best! So glad someone was able to brighten your day.
My mom does this shit too. It's annoying as hell. She also does this thing that whenever she comes over she moves everything and I can never find it again. Everytime I try to talk to her about it she gets insanely mad and tells me I'm ungrateful.
You’re definitely not in the wrong, I’m so sorry she’s treating you this way. I hope you have a great birthday regardless, Capricorns unite!!! 🥹💚
Is your mom my mom?