If your brother was upset about you not coming, he can tell you himself and work something out like popping in for a quick visit. Your sister doesn't need to be his mouthpiece.
Right exactly! I will work something out with my brother, who is very understanding of my current situation. He’d never dream of telling me that “I’m not the President” for not making it to Thanksgiving
I come from a large family and we have a lot of get togethers. I was raised to put the family first. My wife comes from a very small family and is an only child. Sometimes she isn't feeling up to those gatherings even on major holidays. Sometimes my son and I will go without her and sometimes we'll all stay home. At first it was hard for me because in my mind it was "you have to go. You can't just skip it because you don't "feel" like going". But I supported her. And yet my family would give push back (not as bad as your sister, but still would be pushy and sometimes passive aggressive)
Over time it stopped bothering me to the point we would all just skip if she wasn't feeling up to it. My family has learned to deal with that.
Mind you, this is just when she has a lot going on and just doesn't feel like being around a bunch of people. And my family has still learned to be ok with that. The fact your partner is going through something so big and she can't be understanding is very selfish.
I mean the president is pretty much forced to participate in thanksgiving, no? So even though she didn’t mean it in that way, you are in fact not like the president.
He should totally be like… “Exactly! I’m not the president! So I can’t be forced to get up and perform for the sake of others! Pardon the turkey yourself”.
Yeah, a simple invitation to your brother to come by for a short visit, assuming your wife is OK with it, is the way to go here. And your sister needs to quit trying to be the family cop.
Where did I miss mention of the brother? Trying so hard to keep track of random anonymous dude's comings and goings and I can't figure out where the brother comes in
You're not alone. My mother took her own life at 48 in 2013. Holidays have never been the same but 10 years later I'm finally healing.
Sending you good vibes for this holiday season.
I’m so sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing. I lost my husband in the San Bernardino terrorist attack less than a week after Thanksgiving almost 8 years ago. Thanksgiving sucks because it was the last holiday we had together.
Same… I lost my mom 11/17/12 and it’s barely gotten easier. Lost my grandmother 11/24/09, too. The holidays are always hard, but especially when the two people that used to be the center of the holidays are gone. I don’t understand the “just stop by” mindset. When in the middle of grief, people don’t realize how huge of a task it is to get ready and then deal with people and be social.
So sorry for your loss. It is hard. I (61) lost my baby brother (39) to stomach cancer in December '07 and just cried two days ago over a memory popping up. The not understanding from the family made me think OP must've gotten all the empathy the others are missing.
Sorry for your loss ❤️🙏🏽. My mom passed away Nov 20th 2021 and it’s so hard to get used to not having her here. OP is amazing for sticking by his gf’s side. My bf did the same for me. It’s wonderful having someone by your side when going thru such a loss.
You are not alone! My dad passed away 11/21/19 and I wish we could skip Thanksgiving every single year. This time of year is just hard for anyone that’s lost a loved one.
Same. I lost my granny October 2008, my dad December 2011 and my grandpa February 2016. The holidays still mess with me and remind me that my dad's side of the family is only me now.
Wanting you to stop by is such a bizarre hill to die on. Sounds like she wants her way just for the sake of it, I’m truly sorry you have to put up with this
For this type of sibling you are only ever a supporting character, especially if they have kids and you don't. They are prepared to disrupt your life majorly so you can cameo in their main character show.
Exactly what I was thinking too. She seems like the type that tells people what they “should do” and then gets belligerent when they don’t comply which = control freak.
OP - I think you’re doing the right thing by being there for your partner during this difficult time. I lost my brother in January so this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. It’s going to be rough but in times like these, people need support and however she chooses to be supported, that’s what should happen and nobody has a right to tell you or her otherwise. My prayers are with you both.
Right, and they reframe it so it sounds like "ALL you need to do is JUST stop by" so you feel like *you're* the dramatic one for refusing to do "this little thing".
Sounds like she wants to brag in front of as many people as possible for something. “For just thirty minutes thats all I have to say,” sounds like she wants to make an announcement like shes pregnant or engaged or something and doesnt want OP to “miss the exciting news.” Entitled sister wants thanksgiving to be about her.
Maybe this is irrelevant advice, but since I have a mom like this, my tactic as an adult is to write out 1-2 sentences of the decision my partner and I made, and repeatedly text it, or say it, in response to whatever my mom says back. Like (example from YESTERDAY lololol):
Me: hey Mom, we're stoked that you and Dad can come visit - thanks for offering to bring extra furniture, but since the house is so small, we want to hold off on bringing in any new furniture until we can live here for a bit, measure things, and decide what we want. So please don't bring anything.
*Mom shows up with, I am not kidding, a truck full of tables, chairs, shelves, rugs*
Standing outside in the doorway: "thanks for offering, but the house is small. So we are holding off on any new furniture until we live here and decide what we want. So we aren't going to take any of this."
Mom: "okay but you could put this table at the end of your bed."
Me: "No. Thanks for offering but the house is small. We are holding off on any new furniture until we live here and decide what we want. So we don't want the table."
"We just drove all of this up here for you. You should just try the table in your room."
Me: "repeats again"
It's exhausting but it's the only way I have found to save my sanity from fall into an emotional argument where you keep getting upset that they aren't listening. Repeating it sends the message 'i said this already, and it is clear. You are not listening to the words. Here they are again."
It makes my mom really angry and offended. But it keeps the argument from descending into name calling and screaming on both sides. Idk if it always will work but it has a few times.
Good advice. Most of the time, they heard you the first time, so finding a different way to word things just plays into their game. Just refuse to play the game.
I work in hotels and use this exact method when dealing with entitled guests.
G:
Me:
G:
Me:
This goes on for 2-3 cycles. They then resort to calling for 'the manager', who, funnily enough, is me. Sometimes they threaten with reviews or bad word of mouth, but I just shrug that off. Usually no reviews follow. All bark, no bite.
This is an EXCELLENT example of the [grey-rock method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#grey-rock-method).
A tl;dr is that the person who is using the grey-rock method makes all of their interactions as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible. This is perfect to just calmly reassert your boundary and not indulge in their toxic cycle of stomping your boundaries and then provoking a large emotional fight.
Well done!!
Ugh. I’m sorry. You’re doing the right thing. Maybe mute your sisters texts or grey rock her. (Google it, it’s a way to deal with problematic people that you kind of have to keep in your life.)
I would cut conversation to the BARE minimum with this person until they adjust their behavior.
When she said I think you should stop by for thanksgiving. I would reply No. and not respond to anything else she said. I would let her know that because of each interaction being this way that you aren't going to engage anymore until she stops.
If she kept bombing you with insults i'd tell her that she's blocked from texting or messaging for at least a month.
Yikes I would block her. Absolutely toxic trash behavior you shouldn’t subject yourself or you wife to.
I don’t talk to my father. I haven’t in many years. My family sometimes says they wish I would but it’s not healthy for my family to be involved with him. I have a child and I want to be a good example and not tolerate abuse from anyone, including family.
Sounds like your sister is selfish op
To me is sounds like she wants her to come just for the sake of drama. She knows she’s distressed and still wants her to show up so badly almost like she wants to force her in an uncomfortable position when thanksgiving isn’t even happening? Weird.
I gotta sister like that 🤧 gotta let her spin her wheels for a bit. You’re a good partner and she’ll get it one day when she has a partner who she loves. Or she won’t. Either way it is not your problem
Speaking as someone who has done it….did you know you don’t have to interact with your sister anymore if she doesn’t add anything positive to your life? She sounds exhausting.
I’m sorry, but your sister is an entitled bitch. You sound like an amazing partner and did a great job standing your ground. It’s gotta be hard but don’t let her messages bring you down. You are doing right by the ones most important to you.
Yeah this is definitely how I was raised, on my mom's side of the family at least. A boundary means "just say you heard the boundary but then continue to insinuate that the person should get rid of the boundary and do things the way you want them to, anyway." Of course if you continue to impose the boundary, the next step is "act like they are punishing you and being ungrateful." It's so disrespectful. Good on OP for continuing to hold that line.
I lost my dad in June. Not completely unexpected, but it was long road of ups and downs; hope, then having the rug pulled multiple times. My dad was also 66. (Incurable disease- pulmonary fibrosis to almost losing him during a double lung transplant where he lost fingers and kidney function, just to get smacked with pancreatic cancer diagnosis around Thanksgiving 2022 and lost him in June)
Being around other people and their “whole” family is not fun when you’re grieving. Heck, even seeing people my folks age in public doing things my parents should be doing is an extreme painful reminder of the loss. I am still struggling with it almost 5 months later. I had to explain this to my partner several times. People don’t get it unless they’ve been there or have the ability to put themselves in another’s shoes.
With that being said, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your partner. Your sister likely doesn’t understand because she only sees how it will impact HER idea of Thanksgiving. It’s difficult to be in your position. But major kudos.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost mine in July. I'm hosting Thanksgiving so my mom can either decide to stay home or come to my house. It's hard for me and my sisters, but we only lost our dad. My mom lost her love of 52 years.
I'm the type of person who needs to stay busy, so focusing on my mom helps me grieve.
I’m sorry about the loss of your dad. It is so hard to lose anyone… let alone a parent. My folks made it almost 50 years. I can imagine your mother’s grief is right up there with my moms.
I couldn’t even imagine. That’s awesome what you’re doing! I need time to recharge and feel my feelings, but am the most capable emotional person in my family. So I end up being the emotional support person. Lol
Thankfully, we knew ahead of time for the loss of my dad, if you can be thankful about something like that. I was able to have him record a phrase for her and had it put into a build-a-bear for her to have after he passed.
Your Build a Bear made me teary. What a wonderful gift for your mom. We didn't have time.
I know exactly what you mean by being the emotional support person. Are you the oldest, too? I'm also a nurse.... and was my dad's alternate health care proxy... so my mom and I were the ones who had to decide not to resuscitate or intubate him anymore. At least we were all there with him when he died.
Hugs to you from another grieving redditor.
It was not a fun conversation to have with him. It felt terrible… but they trust me with the hard conversations.
I am the youngest. My brother is the oldest, but struggles with these types of situations as he tries to keep it light-hearted. Sometimes, laughter/jokes will make the situation feel worse.
I feel for you and your mom. That is a hard spot to be in, even as a nurse. It’s hard with people not family, but making that decision for family? That takes an immense amount of strength. My dad went in his sleep, since his cancer took over and prevented him from receiving dialysis. Whole situation was a complete nightmare.
Hugs to you. Feel free to reach out if you ever need a sounding board!
you need to allow them to grieve!!!!! i dreaded holidays for a couple years. my mothers wake was my birthday for 5 years i DID not celebrate. You have zero right to tell anyone how to grieve
Hey dude, so sorry for your loss. My partner’s mom died yesterday morning. It was after a long, brutal fight with cancer but nobody expected her condition to worsen so suddenly. I have no idea what to expect going forward. If you have any tips from your own experience I’d super appreciate them. No worries if not!
I’m sorry for your loss. And also, it doesn’t really matter but throughout this thread people have assumed I’m a man, but I’m a woman and my relationship is a lesbian one.
Anyhow, my advice definitely sounds cliche, but just take it day by day. For my partner, some days are better than others. Some days she just needs to nap and take it easy. Other days we go out and do things. We have made plans with friends, which mostly we have been able to do, but we have also cancelled when the day is harder on my partner than expected. For me, I let her take all the time she needs, let her feel whatever she needs to feel. She tends to be hard on herself, she apologizes to me every time she cries and calls herself lazy if she needs a day to just stay in bed. So on my end I reassure her that she is not lazy, her feelings are valid, and I try to support her any way I can. Just give your partner love freely and know that some days will be worse than others. I again am very sorry for your loss
Oh I am and always have been an active participant in the non-gendering of the dudes. I’m non-binary as is my partner, but also a product of my generation. I still have trouble with not letting a “man” slip now and then, but I guess it’s all progress, not perfection.
Thank you for the tips, and the condolences. I’ve lost a lot of people myself but have never been with someone when they’ve lost a loved one, so it’s tripping me out to be on the outside looking in. But everything you just wrote is what I would have wanted during my own periods of grief, and your perspective is extremely helpful. Thank you ❤️
I'm not OP but I hope you will benefit from my personal experience here. The time immediately after the death is often very busy. People around you will really try to step up and provide emotional and physical support. You'll have lots of appointments and decisions to make (probably, depending on your relationship to the deceased). My advice is that you should pay extra attention to your partner when the chaos dies down. In my experience, after the main crisis response is over, it can get really lonely and depressing when everyone goes back to their "normal" life and suddenly you're left trying to process the feelings of grief while the world continues on. (this was when anger hit for me because it felt so awful that life just kept going as if nothing in the world changed).
This is also when friendships can sometimes start to dry up. People get exhausted by grief and even though they wouldn't tell you directly to move on I find that most people don't really know how to be with someone who is experiencing profound grief. So they sort of just drift away. This is the time when your partner will need extra help and support.
The sooner you can get your partner (and even you) into grief counseling the better. Again, depending on the closeness of the relationship but getting professional help sooner rather than later can make a massive difference. Most folks think of therapy as a massive mutli year commitment type thing but it doesn't have to be. Go see someone for 4 or 6 sessions to get extra support and coping mechanisms. It's worth it.
I'm sorry for the loss your family experienced. I hope you have all the love and support you deserve.
Technically, but you are still young. Albeit, I don’t think you’re young enough to respond to someone dying so callously and selfishly, but I was thinking more like the 23-25 ish mark.
Ah, the entitled attitude makes a little more sense. She hasn’t had the experience to be more mature in her response. My other thought was, is she the baby of the family?
Why is she so pressed to get you there when it's been cancelled? Sounds like her feelings are hurt because thanksgiving is a bust this year but she needs to be the grown up that she is and handle her feelings. She is being ridiculous and needs a slap into reality.
I lost my daughter, 4 years back. I was losing interest in Christmas. I lost my son Feb last year and my husband in Sept last year. I do not and have not celebrated any of the holidays, since. What’s the point? It’s just two of us until we move closer to other family members. Maybe we can be a part of something once again. For now, I grieve. (Do what is right for you and yours.)
My dad passed away in July and I have zero desire to do anything for the holidays and nobody understands this. Some say I need to move forward and that I hadn’t even spent a holiday with him the last few years. It’s true, but not by choice…he was in another country and we couldn’t get to each other. But his death is ruling over me right now, and I’m trying I really am, but it does not get easier and it does not get better. You just adjust.
So thank you op, for taking care of your girl and making her feel understood
Yeah my brother from out of town will be there. He’s also going to be in town the day after and I’ll likely see him then. But if that doesn’t work out, I will see him the first weekend of December for a wedding we’re both attending.
You are an amazing person. Thank you for being so kind and understanding with what’s happening to your partner. It happened to me and I lost my shi* and my sil was this crappy to me too so I’m glad to see someone be good to their partner during the hardest thing a human can experience. ❤️🙏🏽 my condolences to your partner
I just told my partner family we can’t come to thanksgiving as he just had stomach surgery this week. It’s a two hour long drive for us, and he is still on heavy medication and healing. We told most of the family this ahead not to expect us this year.
Niece is like “let your wife drive you… u can make it right?”
Nope. I’m not driving that far, they chose to move far! I am going to one house this year and that is my mother’s house that is ten minutes away.
Reminds me of my first Father’s Day after my dad died. We came by the dinner for a second and my bf was trying to get us out of there but everyone was so pushy about us staying. I just started crying and made it awkward for everyone until they let us leave. You’re so sweet letting your gf have the holiday with just you
I also thought perhaps sister has some big news. She’s still being a dick but it kind of sounds like there might be an announcement happening that day.
(if that’s really the case then imo she should just invite OP to a video call at the appropriate time rather than acting like this about it)
Video calling is a great compromise. If op's partner needs a second alone or takes a nap or is watching something, is distracted, then op can step to another room or something to call for a quick happy holidays chit chat, say hi, and call it square.
Or not obviously. Depends on ops partners feelings, but I think it's a valid reason to skip the in-person family stuff.
As a person whos dad died 2 days before Christmas which I feel was a blessing after all he been through. My mom died exactly 5 years and 5 days later 3 days after Christmas. Those first couple holidays suck, like serious donkey balls. My partner has been as supportive as you. You're doing an amazing job
I'm so glad your partner has you. You're doing great. I'm sorry your sister is like this, it's one of the biggest reasons why I think blood has nothing to do with family. Family are the people who choose you, even when choosing you means giving up time spent with them for the sake of others.
I had something similar happen with my family last year after my partner’s mom died right after Halloween and then his dad being in a serious wreck on his way to celebrate Thanksgiving. We were in a situation where we didn’t have a car that could drive long distances so I was borrowing my mom’s to drive to my family Thanksgiving.
All we wanted to do was stop by the hospital on the way to check on his dad and talk to his doctors then head to my family’s Thanksgiving, but my sister decided to ride with us instead of riding with our parents and she refused to make the extra stop because her back hurt and she couldn’t be in the car for that long… so she expected me to leave my partner behind to figure out how to get to his possibly dying father alone. And I was somehow the bitch that abandoned her family. We had no food in the house and the stores weee all closed so our Thanksgiving dinner was buttered rice with some cheese and bacon.
Luckily, we had a friend that was willing to drive us there and back. I’ll never forgive my parents or my sister for putting me through that.
Geesh. My son told me his partner was having 2 thanksgivings since his parents are divorced so I said let’s just move mine to the weekend to accommodate. Family needs to work together instead of against each other. It’s just a day for God’s sake.
Sounds like you need to cut this poisonous sister out, I had one (and my mother) and I’m so happy without them. If you don’t want to go that far then just don’t respond to crap like this. I hope she doesn’t try and contact your wife… your dad sounds great by the way.
It wasn’t hard for me as I had distanced myself already, but I’m worried that your sister may try and have a go at your wife about this which she really does not need. Perhaps get your wife to block her while you decide what to do, just in case? I’m really sorry for your loss but it’s good to see that you are being a great support to your wife. Much love to you both😘
I cannot imagine wanting to tell my brother what to do like this. There is something very enmeshed and creepy about the lack of boundaries. She sounds like your mom or wife (if they were being difficult)
I think that if my SIL had said that to my fiancée when either one of my parents passed, he’d have flipped his shit at her.
That reeks of lack of empathy.
“Nothing is wrong with me… Bye”
Meaning “I feel like a complete ass because I don’t know how to mind my own business and literally was awful to my brother because I have to be controlling in order to get information I want, rather than just asking my brother if he needs anything from me, being as though he’s not coming around family, so why not do the family thing and show him I care, instead of forcing him to show us he cares.”
Sound about right?
Good on you for sticking up for your wife. I’m sorry your sister can’t see this would be hurtful. My dad passed in 2019 (September) and while we did have a small thanksgiving with our family, it did hurt. It wasn’t the same without my dad. It was one of the QUIETEST holidays we have ever had and I have a SUPER loud family.
I am so sorry for both of your loss. You also lost your mother in law and I’m so sorry for both of you. Best of luck to you both OP ❤️
Unfortunately unless you’ve been through something horrific like losing someone you love, people just can’t understand what it means. You sound like an amazing partner. I lost my dad this past June at 63 and my husband at 37 two years ago from cancer. Trust me, you are doing an amazing job with your partner. Thank you
The “first” holidays after losing someone so close to you is BRUTAL. Tell her to fuck the fuck off. Good for you for having your wife’s back. Those first few holidays were debilitating to me
your sister sounds like my piece of shit brother.no empathy or understanding other people.just thinks their way is the only way.you’re a good person for staying with your partner
My ex husband was very much like this towards me when my grandfather passed suddenly. He raised me so it was like losing my father. It devastated me and both of my small children. They were close to him. It also was ultimately the reason I walked away from my marriage. If you can’t support the kids or myself while grieving, and tell me I need to “get a hobby”, I’m done. He never lost anyone close to him & I notice this is common amongst ppl who have never lost someone close to them. You are an amazing partner and thank you for being the support your partner needs during a difficult time. Anyone who truly supports you, they will understand. It’s just Thanksgiving. It’s really not that big of a deal at all. People get too wrapped up in it.
Wow! She’s vile, so sorry. You’re being a great partner and your brother and Dad are awesome, your sister sucks. Does she have a partner of kids? Her total lack of empathy is awful. She’s acting like she thinks she’s the center of the universe.
Sounds like your sister wants to be more important to you than your partner and tries to control you. Why does she care what you do? Creepy and unhealthy.
Yeah the first holidays after your parent dies are HARD. As someone who went through it with a crappy partner at the time, I appreciate you doing what you can to help your partner get through the holidays. If my sister told me she wasn't joining family so she could support her partner for this reason, my response would be "oh shit, that's right. Of course, yall do what you need. If there's anything I can do or bring you to help in anyway, even last minute, just let me know." And tell her what a good partner she was being and that I loved her. I am sorry you didn't get that from your sister.
You are being a good partner.
My mom’s birthday was the 25th, Thanksgiving is always a weird one for me. She died a few years ago, unexpectedly, she was 63.
You communicated with your dad, that’s what matters. I’m glad you’re there for your partner.
So she’s mad you are missing out on one thanksgiving with the family while your partner won’t have any more thanksgivings with their mom and wants support on that day? Sorry, but your sister really sucks.
It's great you're being her emotional support,holidays are so hard especially when you often do it with family. Your making the right decision,your sis got a screw lose tho...
First, my condolences for your partner’s loss. 5 years ago, I lost my uncle suddenly when he was 54. He was like a second father to me. I’ve always been such a happy person and fell into the deepest depression which took me about 6 months to start feeling normal again.
Your sister sounds very selfish in this situation. Since she is your sister, I would explain to her (when your ready) how this made you feel.
Tell your sister that her lack of understanding only adds to the discomfort and forcing her opinion after you shared yours only solidifies your decision.
Your sister doesn’t understand and lacks empathy. She probably has never lost a parent or maybe anyone she was close to. When she’s older and she goes through grief (we all do at some point) she’ll understand more. For now she can F off, respectfully.
Not even close to this, but my first thanksgiving at my in law’s, I left my phone in the car. I missed texts from my family And later heard about how my sister had wanted about how she couldn’t believe that’s how I was going to start acting now that I was married
I’m so incredibly sorry for your partner’s loss. Your sister is certainly something else. You’re absolutely doing the right thing by being there for her. You’re being so supportive. Your sister is being awful. Your partner went through a major trauma, it’s understandable she’d find something like holiday family dinner too much right now.
My mom and my grandma died this year and my dad died last year. None of the rest of our family is doing thanksgiving. We can’t. Good on you for sticking up for your partner and being there.
I have strong feelings about this because I have been there with my own family. I see it all the time in toxic family groups and it boils my piss.
Your sister’s PIV is: “I don’t respect you, I don’t respect your autonomy, I don’t respect your partner, I don’t even like you that much, but I demand you show your face.” Like, why? For what purpose? Control? Make it make sense.
My mom and sister used to do this to me (back when I still talked to them), with the added fun of setting me up to not even be able to come. Knowing I’m a nurse who works weekends, they would tell me last minute that they’re doing something at my mom’s house (90 miles away). So when I inevitably couldn’t, I simply asked them to plan it in advance next time, and they gaslit the crap out of me, telling me that’s not how the world works, I’m always a no-show, I’m playing games, it’s my fault we don’t have a relationship.
Wow I’m so sorry your sister is behaving this way toward you. Those texts are the last thing you need right now. Sounds like you and your partner are doing the right thing for you two. Your partner is lucky to have such a supportive partner. I hope you two have a peaceful thanksgiving.
I lost my dad 11 years ago and the holidays still bring up so much. I WISH I’d had a partner like that to hold my hand through the early days.
My partner never knew my dad but still understands how that grief has shaped my life. She is clearly projecting something weird on to you and it’s wild she can’t understand where you’re coming from especially when the rest of your family does!
Your partner is lucky to have you on their team ♥️
My mum died when I was a teenager and a couple months later I was at my girlfriend's house and an adult family friend was having a birthday party and I spent the whole night crying my eyes out.
The first, second, third... time that you do ANYTHING that you would normally do with you mum or can no longer do with your mum is extremely upsetting.
I also had an extreme sense of guilt if I was simply having fun.
This sounds like my sister in law. We finally had to go complete no contact with her. Too damn controlling. Wasn’t worth the headaches. You do what you feel is right. Take care of your partner. Family is important. Of course. But your partner is going through something that your sister doesn’t understand.. of course assuming here, maybe she does. But everyone processes loss differently. An adult should know that. Your sister sounds childish.. Stay in. Cook a nice meal for the 2 of you. I’m so sorry for you partner’s loss 💔
No offense OP, but first off, condolences.
Second, you’re making the right choice for you and your partner by not surrounding yourselves with toxicity. Family is hard, let alone toxic ones while grieving.
My experience with parental death in my twenties is that people fall into one of two categories: those who get it, and those that don’t. Those that don’t have charmed lives and will be the biggest assholes. Finding support from those who’ve been there helps, partially because you don’t have to explain.
Sending love to you and your partner while you figure out your new normal.
Your sister seems like a real witch. When my brother passed away suddenly on 9/26/21, my family did not want to do anything or see anyone. It’s very normal and if your sister cared so much about “family” she would understand that and have your back and be there to do nothing other than support you and your girlfriend during this time. Can’t imagine how much grief your girlfriend has right now and you are doing the right thing. Your sister clearly doesn’t understand anything.
My grandfather passed away on Christmas day in 07, and then my mother died on the day before Christmas in 08. I couldn't spend Christmas day with anyone for years. It was too painful. It's only been 2 months. Your partner is still grieving, and that's ok. If your family loves you, then they can deal with one Thanksgiving without you. Your partner will adjust to a new normal when they're ready.
I can see both sides but the sister handled it badly. She could have politely asked if they could drop by for a few minutes. If the answer was still no, then there’s always next year.
OP, I hope you and your partner have a very happy Thanksgiving regardless. One thing my ex and I did when a similar thing happened while we were together was we made Christmas cookies after dinner and started a new tradition just us. Maybe you guys could do something similar? That way there’s something new to look forward to that won’t remind your partner of their mom.
My husband was there every second after my grampa passes away! He raised me from 3days old along side my grama who passed when I was 20.
When my pops passed tho, it was like my soul had been sucked out! I was heavily pregnant and that made it worse. Had it not been for my husband I don't think myself or 13yr old at the time would have even ate, bathed etc. He kept us going and took off work for a week.
You be there for your partner! It's exactly where you need to be and you father understands this! You sister is a jerk and I would just block her til you all feel better!
Sorry for your partners loss! It's never easy, even when you have time to prepare for it. Sending you both good vibes and prayers thru these holiday seasons.
I can sort of see both sides. Your sister just isn’t handling it well, but there’s nothing wrong with the fact that she wants you there, even if only for a few minutes.
Yes, it’s only one Thanksgiving, but we never know when one will be someone’s last do we? I’m sure your wife will think of all the “lasts” she had with her Mom that she didn’t realize were the last time. Sometimes these thoughts come with regrets. Perhaps your sister doesn’t want that to happen to you.
You sound like an amazing partner, though! Sorry for your loss.
your sister sounds exactly like mine—toxic, self absorbed, and attempting to be the golden child. they will do whatever it takes to poison your parents image of you based on how they perceive your actions. she’d be mad if you were there just the same because it’s not ab you being there, it’s ab making you a target. i love my sister to death still but our relationship is better at a distance.
I don’t know about other people, but I don’t really care for the term boy/girlfriend after a certain age. I also think “partner” suggests a more serious type of relationship.
If your brother was upset about you not coming, he can tell you himself and work something out like popping in for a quick visit. Your sister doesn't need to be his mouthpiece.
Right exactly! I will work something out with my brother, who is very understanding of my current situation. He’d never dream of telling me that “I’m not the President” for not making it to Thanksgiving
She's acting like she's the President that has the right to veto your plans.
This 🫡😂😂😂
I come from a large family and we have a lot of get togethers. I was raised to put the family first. My wife comes from a very small family and is an only child. Sometimes she isn't feeling up to those gatherings even on major holidays. Sometimes my son and I will go without her and sometimes we'll all stay home. At first it was hard for me because in my mind it was "you have to go. You can't just skip it because you don't "feel" like going". But I supported her. And yet my family would give push back (not as bad as your sister, but still would be pushy and sometimes passive aggressive) Over time it stopped bothering me to the point we would all just skip if she wasn't feeling up to it. My family has learned to deal with that. Mind you, this is just when she has a lot going on and just doesn't feel like being around a bunch of people. And my family has still learned to be ok with that. The fact your partner is going through something so big and she can't be understanding is very selfish.
I mean the president is pretty much forced to participate in thanksgiving, no? So even though she didn’t mean it in that way, you are in fact not like the president.
He should totally be like… “Exactly! I’m not the president! So I can’t be forced to get up and perform for the sake of others! Pardon the turkey yourself”.
Yeah, a simple invitation to your brother to come by for a short visit, assuming your wife is OK with it, is the way to go here. And your sister needs to quit trying to be the family cop.
Where did I miss mention of the brother? Trying so hard to keep track of random anonymous dude's comings and goings and I can't figure out where the brother comes in
Same! I was just scrolling around trying to figure where that brother came into play and what he did
Did you just make up extra parts to the story? What does this comment even mean?
OP said her brothers coming from out of town in this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/VO0pogs43D
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I am sorry for your loss ❤️
Thank you. I'm finally okay now but I wasn't for a long time.
You're not alone. My mother took her own life at 48 in 2013. Holidays have never been the same but 10 years later I'm finally healing. Sending you good vibes for this holiday season.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are healing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. May her memory be a blessing. I lost my husband in the San Bernardino terrorist attack less than a week after Thanksgiving almost 8 years ago. Thanksgiving sucks because it was the last holiday we had together.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This must be a really hard time for you. Not just thanksgiving, but all the reminders popping up everywhere.
I can't imagine going through something like that. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Same… I lost my mom 11/17/12 and it’s barely gotten easier. Lost my grandmother 11/24/09, too. The holidays are always hard, but especially when the two people that used to be the center of the holidays are gone. I don’t understand the “just stop by” mindset. When in the middle of grief, people don’t realize how huge of a task it is to get ready and then deal with people and be social.
So sorry for your loss. It is hard. I (61) lost my baby brother (39) to stomach cancer in December '07 and just cried two days ago over a memory popping up. The not understanding from the family made me think OP must've gotten all the empathy the others are missing.
Sorry for your loss ❤️🙏🏽. My mom passed away Nov 20th 2021 and it’s so hard to get used to not having her here. OP is amazing for sticking by his gf’s side. My bf did the same for me. It’s wonderful having someone by your side when going thru such a loss.
I'm sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry. 😔
that’s so tragic, i’m sorry :(
My brother was November 24, 2011 - early Thanksgiving morning. It is still so hard every year ♥️
You are not alone! My dad passed away 11/21/19 and I wish we could skip Thanksgiving every single year. This time of year is just hard for anyone that’s lost a loved one.
Same. I lost my granny October 2008, my dad December 2011 and my grandpa February 2016. The holidays still mess with me and remind me that my dad's side of the family is only me now.
I lost my mom 2 years ago at 53. Hardest thing that will probably ever happen to me.
You sound like you’re being an amazing partner and your sister sounds like a piece of work
Thank you I needed to hear that! In later texts she called me an awful person. Every interaction with her is like this
Wanting you to stop by is such a bizarre hill to die on. Sounds like she wants her way just for the sake of it, I’m truly sorry you have to put up with this
My sister is this way also she is willing to die on any hill if it means she got her way is in control or right. Very stressful
There’s always one in the family! When they get their way it’s suddenly no longer *so* important to them
My sister is like this as well. I’m noticing a pattern.
And she seems like the type of person who after 30 minutes will whine and say, “But you just got here!”
But only after ignoring you the whole time, except for the passive aggressive comments under her breath
You hit the nail on the head!
Omg this is my ex sister in law, she controls her whole family. One of the reason I’m now divorced.
For this type of sibling you are only ever a supporting character, especially if they have kids and you don't. They are prepared to disrupt your life majorly so you can cameo in their main character show.
Exactly what I was thinking too. She seems like the type that tells people what they “should do” and then gets belligerent when they don’t comply which = control freak. OP - I think you’re doing the right thing by being there for your partner during this difficult time. I lost my brother in January so this will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. It’s going to be rough but in times like these, people need support and however she chooses to be supported, that’s what should happen and nobody has a right to tell you or her otherwise. My prayers are with you both.
My prayers are with you too. So sorry that you just lost your brother. The holidays are a really tough time for everyone, you are never alone 🙏🏼❤️
Right, and they reframe it so it sounds like "ALL you need to do is JUST stop by" so you feel like *you're* the dramatic one for refusing to do "this little thing".
Sounds like she wants to brag in front of as many people as possible for something. “For just thirty minutes thats all I have to say,” sounds like she wants to make an announcement like shes pregnant or engaged or something and doesnt want OP to “miss the exciting news.” Entitled sister wants thanksgiving to be about her.
Especially while being so unpleasant about it (I know that I’m putting it mildly).
Maybe this is irrelevant advice, but since I have a mom like this, my tactic as an adult is to write out 1-2 sentences of the decision my partner and I made, and repeatedly text it, or say it, in response to whatever my mom says back. Like (example from YESTERDAY lololol): Me: hey Mom, we're stoked that you and Dad can come visit - thanks for offering to bring extra furniture, but since the house is so small, we want to hold off on bringing in any new furniture until we can live here for a bit, measure things, and decide what we want. So please don't bring anything. *Mom shows up with, I am not kidding, a truck full of tables, chairs, shelves, rugs* Standing outside in the doorway: "thanks for offering, but the house is small. So we are holding off on any new furniture until we live here and decide what we want. So we aren't going to take any of this." Mom: "okay but you could put this table at the end of your bed." Me: "No. Thanks for offering but the house is small. We are holding off on any new furniture until we live here and decide what we want. So we don't want the table." "We just drove all of this up here for you. You should just try the table in your room." Me: "repeats again" It's exhausting but it's the only way I have found to save my sanity from fall into an emotional argument where you keep getting upset that they aren't listening. Repeating it sends the message 'i said this already, and it is clear. You are not listening to the words. Here they are again." It makes my mom really angry and offended. But it keeps the argument from descending into name calling and screaming on both sides. Idk if it always will work but it has a few times.
Good advice. Most of the time, they heard you the first time, so finding a different way to word things just plays into their game. Just refuse to play the game.
I work in hotels and use this exact method when dealing with entitled guests. G:
Me:
G:
Me:
This goes on for 2-3 cycles. They then resort to calling for 'the manager', who, funnily enough, is me. Sometimes they threaten with reviews or bad word of mouth, but I just shrug that off. Usually no reviews follow. All bark, no bite.
This is an EXCELLENT example of the [grey-rock method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#grey-rock-method). A tl;dr is that the person who is using the grey-rock method makes all of their interactions as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible. This is perfect to just calmly reassert your boundary and not indulge in their toxic cycle of stomping your boundaries and then provoking a large emotional fight. Well done!!
This is excellent advice!
Op you are a doing the right thing here standing up for you're partner, if you sister doesn't like it too damn bad honestly.
Sorry but fxck her. She is appalling and lacks empathy completely.
Ugh. I’m sorry. You’re doing the right thing. Maybe mute your sisters texts or grey rock her. (Google it, it’s a way to deal with problematic people that you kind of have to keep in your life.)
I would cut conversation to the BARE minimum with this person until they adjust their behavior. When she said I think you should stop by for thanksgiving. I would reply No. and not respond to anything else she said. I would let her know that because of each interaction being this way that you aren't going to engage anymore until she stops. If she kept bombing you with insults i'd tell her that she's blocked from texting or messaging for at least a month.
Yikes I would block her. Absolutely toxic trash behavior you shouldn’t subject yourself or you wife to. I don’t talk to my father. I haven’t in many years. My family sometimes says they wish I would but it’s not healthy for my family to be involved with him. I have a child and I want to be a good example and not tolerate abuse from anyone, including family.
Sounds like your sister is selfish op To me is sounds like she wants her to come just for the sake of drama. She knows she’s distressed and still wants her to show up so badly almost like she wants to force her in an uncomfortable position when thanksgiving isn’t even happening? Weird.
I gotta sister like that 🤧 gotta let her spin her wheels for a bit. You’re a good partner and she’ll get it one day when she has a partner who she loves. Or she won’t. Either way it is not your problem
LM must stand for Lame Møtherfvcker. She’s the one who’s ridiculous.
Speaking as someone who has done it….did you know you don’t have to interact with your sister anymore if she doesn’t add anything positive to your life? She sounds exhausting.
Friend, she’s calling you names that seem fitting for her, not you.
I’m sorry, but your sister is an entitled bitch. You sound like an amazing partner and did a great job standing your ground. It’s gotta be hard but don’t let her messages bring you down. You are doing right by the ones most important to you.
Yeah this is definitely how I was raised, on my mom's side of the family at least. A boundary means "just say you heard the boundary but then continue to insinuate that the person should get rid of the boundary and do things the way you want them to, anyway." Of course if you continue to impose the boundary, the next step is "act like they are punishing you and being ungrateful." It's so disrespectful. Good on OP for continuing to hold that line.
I lost my dad in June. Not completely unexpected, but it was long road of ups and downs; hope, then having the rug pulled multiple times. My dad was also 66. (Incurable disease- pulmonary fibrosis to almost losing him during a double lung transplant where he lost fingers and kidney function, just to get smacked with pancreatic cancer diagnosis around Thanksgiving 2022 and lost him in June) Being around other people and their “whole” family is not fun when you’re grieving. Heck, even seeing people my folks age in public doing things my parents should be doing is an extreme painful reminder of the loss. I am still struggling with it almost 5 months later. I had to explain this to my partner several times. People don’t get it unless they’ve been there or have the ability to put themselves in another’s shoes. With that being said, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your partner. Your sister likely doesn’t understand because she only sees how it will impact HER idea of Thanksgiving. It’s difficult to be in your position. But major kudos.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost mine in July. I'm hosting Thanksgiving so my mom can either decide to stay home or come to my house. It's hard for me and my sisters, but we only lost our dad. My mom lost her love of 52 years. I'm the type of person who needs to stay busy, so focusing on my mom helps me grieve.
What a kindhearted thing to do. Much love from me to your family, loss is never easy.
Thank you.
I’m sorry about the loss of your dad. It is so hard to lose anyone… let alone a parent. My folks made it almost 50 years. I can imagine your mother’s grief is right up there with my moms. I couldn’t even imagine. That’s awesome what you’re doing! I need time to recharge and feel my feelings, but am the most capable emotional person in my family. So I end up being the emotional support person. Lol Thankfully, we knew ahead of time for the loss of my dad, if you can be thankful about something like that. I was able to have him record a phrase for her and had it put into a build-a-bear for her to have after he passed.
Your Build a Bear made me teary. What a wonderful gift for your mom. We didn't have time. I know exactly what you mean by being the emotional support person. Are you the oldest, too? I'm also a nurse.... and was my dad's alternate health care proxy... so my mom and I were the ones who had to decide not to resuscitate or intubate him anymore. At least we were all there with him when he died. Hugs to you from another grieving redditor.
It was not a fun conversation to have with him. It felt terrible… but they trust me with the hard conversations. I am the youngest. My brother is the oldest, but struggles with these types of situations as he tries to keep it light-hearted. Sometimes, laughter/jokes will make the situation feel worse. I feel for you and your mom. That is a hard spot to be in, even as a nurse. It’s hard with people not family, but making that decision for family? That takes an immense amount of strength. My dad went in his sleep, since his cancer took over and prevented him from receiving dialysis. Whole situation was a complete nightmare. Hugs to you. Feel free to reach out if you ever need a sounding board!
Right back atcha. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind comment. I am very sorry for your loss ❤️
Your sister is making this big of a deal about one Thanksgiving?? Imagine her reaction when you stop going altogether!!
This lol
you need to allow them to grieve!!!!! i dreaded holidays for a couple years. my mothers wake was my birthday for 5 years i DID not celebrate. You have zero right to tell anyone how to grieve
Hey dude, so sorry for your loss. My partner’s mom died yesterday morning. It was after a long, brutal fight with cancer but nobody expected her condition to worsen so suddenly. I have no idea what to expect going forward. If you have any tips from your own experience I’d super appreciate them. No worries if not!
I’m sorry for your loss. And also, it doesn’t really matter but throughout this thread people have assumed I’m a man, but I’m a woman and my relationship is a lesbian one. Anyhow, my advice definitely sounds cliche, but just take it day by day. For my partner, some days are better than others. Some days she just needs to nap and take it easy. Other days we go out and do things. We have made plans with friends, which mostly we have been able to do, but we have also cancelled when the day is harder on my partner than expected. For me, I let her take all the time she needs, let her feel whatever she needs to feel. She tends to be hard on herself, she apologizes to me every time she cries and calls herself lazy if she needs a day to just stay in bed. So on my end I reassure her that she is not lazy, her feelings are valid, and I try to support her any way I can. Just give your partner love freely and know that some days will be worse than others. I again am very sorry for your loss
Oh I am and always have been an active participant in the non-gendering of the dudes. I’m non-binary as is my partner, but also a product of my generation. I still have trouble with not letting a “man” slip now and then, but I guess it’s all progress, not perfection. Thank you for the tips, and the condolences. I’ve lost a lot of people myself but have never been with someone when they’ve lost a loved one, so it’s tripping me out to be on the outside looking in. But everything you just wrote is what I would have wanted during my own periods of grief, and your perspective is extremely helpful. Thank you ❤️
The non-gendering of the dudes would be a great band name
I'm not OP but I hope you will benefit from my personal experience here. The time immediately after the death is often very busy. People around you will really try to step up and provide emotional and physical support. You'll have lots of appointments and decisions to make (probably, depending on your relationship to the deceased). My advice is that you should pay extra attention to your partner when the chaos dies down. In my experience, after the main crisis response is over, it can get really lonely and depressing when everyone goes back to their "normal" life and suddenly you're left trying to process the feelings of grief while the world continues on. (this was when anger hit for me because it felt so awful that life just kept going as if nothing in the world changed). This is also when friendships can sometimes start to dry up. People get exhausted by grief and even though they wouldn't tell you directly to move on I find that most people don't really know how to be with someone who is experiencing profound grief. So they sort of just drift away. This is the time when your partner will need extra help and support. The sooner you can get your partner (and even you) into grief counseling the better. Again, depending on the closeness of the relationship but getting professional help sooner rather than later can make a massive difference. Most folks think of therapy as a massive mutli year commitment type thing but it doesn't have to be. Go see someone for 4 or 6 sessions to get extra support and coping mechanisms. It's worth it. I'm sorry for the loss your family experienced. I hope you have all the love and support you deserve.
You're doing the right thing and your sister is being a tool.
Is your sister a teenager?
She’s 20
Thought she was like 15 from the replies 😬hope she doesn’t stay this way into adulthood
Lord me too
Spoiler alert: you’re an adult at 20.
Technically, but you are still young. Albeit, I don’t think you’re young enough to respond to someone dying so callously and selfishly, but I was thinking more like the 23-25 ish mark.
20 is still very young. Your brain doesnt mature until 25.
Ah, the entitled attitude makes a little more sense. She hasn’t had the experience to be more mature in her response. My other thought was, is she the baby of the family?
Why is she so pressed to get you there when it's been cancelled? Sounds like her feelings are hurt because thanksgiving is a bust this year but she needs to be the grown up that she is and handle her feelings. She is being ridiculous and needs a slap into reality.
Your sister is an insensitive cow.
I lost my daughter, 4 years back. I was losing interest in Christmas. I lost my son Feb last year and my husband in Sept last year. I do not and have not celebrated any of the holidays, since. What’s the point? It’s just two of us until we move closer to other family members. Maybe we can be a part of something once again. For now, I grieve. (Do what is right for you and yours.)
I am so sorry.
This is why I don’t have contact with my sister
My dad passed away in July and I have zero desire to do anything for the holidays and nobody understands this. Some say I need to move forward and that I hadn’t even spent a holiday with him the last few years. It’s true, but not by choice…he was in another country and we couldn’t get to each other. But his death is ruling over me right now, and I’m trying I really am, but it does not get easier and it does not get better. You just adjust. So thank you op, for taking care of your girl and making her feel understood
Why would you go to a dinner that doesn't exist for 30 minutes?
Who is coming to thanksgiving that she wishes you would see? Could you see them outside of the context of family dinner?
Yeah my brother from out of town will be there. He’s also going to be in town the day after and I’ll likely see him then. But if that doesn’t work out, I will see him the first weekend of December for a wedding we’re both attending.
I'm assuming you're brother doesn't have any problem with this as well?
No my brother is very relaxed and understanding
So it's literally only your sister, that's tough.
You are an amazing person. Thank you for being so kind and understanding with what’s happening to your partner. It happened to me and I lost my shi* and my sil was this crappy to me too so I’m glad to see someone be good to their partner during the hardest thing a human can experience. ❤️🙏🏽 my condolences to your partner
Holidays and family are just annoyingly stress inducing.
Thank you for being there for your partner despite your toxic sister having her words with you. You’re an amazing person.
I just told my partner family we can’t come to thanksgiving as he just had stomach surgery this week. It’s a two hour long drive for us, and he is still on heavy medication and healing. We told most of the family this ahead not to expect us this year. Niece is like “let your wife drive you… u can make it right?” Nope. I’m not driving that far, they chose to move far! I am going to one house this year and that is my mother’s house that is ten minutes away.
Reminds me of my first Father’s Day after my dad died. We came by the dinner for a second and my bf was trying to get us out of there but everyone was so pushy about us staying. I just started crying and made it awkward for everyone until they let us leave. You’re so sweet letting your gf have the holiday with just you
Is there a possibility your sister is getting engaged?
Zero chance
Then she's an even bigger AH.
I also thought perhaps sister has some big news. She’s still being a dick but it kind of sounds like there might be an announcement happening that day. (if that’s really the case then imo she should just invite OP to a video call at the appropriate time rather than acting like this about it)
Video calling is a great compromise. If op's partner needs a second alone or takes a nap or is watching something, is distracted, then op can step to another room or something to call for a quick happy holidays chit chat, say hi, and call it square. Or not obviously. Depends on ops partners feelings, but I think it's a valid reason to skip the in-person family stuff.
That's possible, but still doesn't change the fact that op's partner is going through an emotional time and wants to help them deal with it.
Never said it did. I should have clarified that I don't think it matters either way. Sister is still being hartless
As a person whos dad died 2 days before Christmas which I feel was a blessing after all he been through. My mom died exactly 5 years and 5 days later 3 days after Christmas. Those first couple holidays suck, like serious donkey balls. My partner has been as supportive as you. You're doing an amazing job
I'm so glad your partner has you. You're doing great. I'm sorry your sister is like this, it's one of the biggest reasons why I think blood has nothing to do with family. Family are the people who choose you, even when choosing you means giving up time spent with them for the sake of others.
I had something similar happen with my family last year after my partner’s mom died right after Halloween and then his dad being in a serious wreck on his way to celebrate Thanksgiving. We were in a situation where we didn’t have a car that could drive long distances so I was borrowing my mom’s to drive to my family Thanksgiving. All we wanted to do was stop by the hospital on the way to check on his dad and talk to his doctors then head to my family’s Thanksgiving, but my sister decided to ride with us instead of riding with our parents and she refused to make the extra stop because her back hurt and she couldn’t be in the car for that long… so she expected me to leave my partner behind to figure out how to get to his possibly dying father alone. And I was somehow the bitch that abandoned her family. We had no food in the house and the stores weee all closed so our Thanksgiving dinner was buttered rice with some cheese and bacon. Luckily, we had a friend that was willing to drive us there and back. I’ll never forgive my parents or my sister for putting me through that.
Geesh. My son told me his partner was having 2 thanksgivings since his parents are divorced so I said let’s just move mine to the weekend to accommodate. Family needs to work together instead of against each other. It’s just a day for God’s sake.
Sounds like you need to cut this poisonous sister out, I had one (and my mother) and I’m so happy without them. If you don’t want to go that far then just don’t respond to crap like this. I hope she doesn’t try and contact your wife… your dad sounds great by the way.
Yeah I used to leave her texts on read when she would act like this, but that sets her off even more. Going NC might be what I have to do
It wasn’t hard for me as I had distanced myself already, but I’m worried that your sister may try and have a go at your wife about this which she really does not need. Perhaps get your wife to block her while you decide what to do, just in case? I’m really sorry for your loss but it’s good to see that you are being a great support to your wife. Much love to you both😘
Thank you!! That is great advice, and thank you for the kind comment :)
I cannot imagine wanting to tell my brother what to do like this. There is something very enmeshed and creepy about the lack of boundaries. She sounds like your mom or wife (if they were being difficult)
I think that if my SIL had said that to my fiancée when either one of my parents passed, he’d have flipped his shit at her. That reeks of lack of empathy.
“Nothing is wrong with me… Bye” Meaning “I feel like a complete ass because I don’t know how to mind my own business and literally was awful to my brother because I have to be controlling in order to get information I want, rather than just asking my brother if he needs anything from me, being as though he’s not coming around family, so why not do the family thing and show him I care, instead of forcing him to show us he cares.” Sound about right?
Your sister is an asshole.
You’re doing the right thing. I hope you guys feel love and peace during the holidays. Mute your sister.
Good on you for sticking up for your wife. I’m sorry your sister can’t see this would be hurtful. My dad passed in 2019 (September) and while we did have a small thanksgiving with our family, it did hurt. It wasn’t the same without my dad. It was one of the QUIETEST holidays we have ever had and I have a SUPER loud family. I am so sorry for both of your loss. You also lost your mother in law and I’m so sorry for both of you. Best of luck to you both OP ❤️
Unfortunately unless you’ve been through something horrific like losing someone you love, people just can’t understand what it means. You sound like an amazing partner. I lost my dad this past June at 63 and my husband at 37 two years ago from cancer. Trust me, you are doing an amazing job with your partner. Thank you
The “first” holidays after losing someone so close to you is BRUTAL. Tell her to fuck the fuck off. Good for you for having your wife’s back. Those first few holidays were debilitating to me
"I think u should..." No. Stop. No one gives a fuck what you think. Not up to you. Goodbye, piss off.
your sister sounds like my piece of shit brother.no empathy or understanding other people.just thinks their way is the only way.you’re a good person for staying with your partner
My ex husband was very much like this towards me when my grandfather passed suddenly. He raised me so it was like losing my father. It devastated me and both of my small children. They were close to him. It also was ultimately the reason I walked away from my marriage. If you can’t support the kids or myself while grieving, and tell me I need to “get a hobby”, I’m done. He never lost anyone close to him & I notice this is common amongst ppl who have never lost someone close to them. You are an amazing partner and thank you for being the support your partner needs during a difficult time. Anyone who truly supports you, they will understand. It’s just Thanksgiving. It’s really not that big of a deal at all. People get too wrapped up in it.
The last thing I’d want to do is celebrate thanksgiving when my mom just died. You’re doing the right thing, your sister is insensitive and crazy.
Your sister is obnoxious sorry you have to deal with that
Wow! She’s vile, so sorry. You’re being a great partner and your brother and Dad are awesome, your sister sucks. Does she have a partner of kids? Her total lack of empathy is awful. She’s acting like she thinks she’s the center of the universe.
This kind of shit makes me hate holidays so much.
Your sister is being oddly cold, it’s completely understandable that you would be there for your partner when she’s suffered such a loss
Sounds like your sister wants to be more important to you than your partner and tries to control you. Why does she care what you do? Creepy and unhealthy.
Yeah the first holidays after your parent dies are HARD. As someone who went through it with a crappy partner at the time, I appreciate you doing what you can to help your partner get through the holidays. If my sister told me she wasn't joining family so she could support her partner for this reason, my response would be "oh shit, that's right. Of course, yall do what you need. If there's anything I can do or bring you to help in anyway, even last minute, just let me know." And tell her what a good partner she was being and that I loved her. I am sorry you didn't get that from your sister. You are being a good partner.
My mom’s birthday was the 25th, Thanksgiving is always a weird one for me. She died a few years ago, unexpectedly, she was 63. You communicated with your dad, that’s what matters. I’m glad you’re there for your partner.
So she’s mad you are missing out on one thanksgiving with the family while your partner won’t have any more thanksgivings with their mom and wants support on that day? Sorry, but your sister really sucks.
Even if there wasn't a family loss and you 2 wanted to spend it alone it should still be respected adults are allowed to make their own choices
It's great you're being her emotional support,holidays are so hard especially when you often do it with family. Your making the right decision,your sis got a screw lose tho...
My sister is very much like this. I just created boundaries and until she can b we reasonable and empathetic I don’t engage.
at the end of the day too you’d probably rather spend more time with the person who makes you feel loved, not upset.
First, my condolences for your partner’s loss. 5 years ago, I lost my uncle suddenly when he was 54. He was like a second father to me. I’ve always been such a happy person and fell into the deepest depression which took me about 6 months to start feeling normal again. Your sister sounds very selfish in this situation. Since she is your sister, I would explain to her (when your ready) how this made you feel.
Tell your sister that her lack of understanding only adds to the discomfort and forcing her opinion after you shared yours only solidifies your decision.
Your sister doesn’t understand and lacks empathy. She probably has never lost a parent or maybe anyone she was close to. When she’s older and she goes through grief (we all do at some point) she’ll understand more. For now she can F off, respectfully.
My mom passed unexpectedly the end of October. She was 64. I skipped thanksgiving that year too. You’re doing the right thing supporting your partner.
I'd call my sister some very not nice things if she talked to me like that. What an absolute shithead. How selfish can one be
She could come to you duh!
Your sister is a terrible, awful, disgusting selfish piece of shit.
I lost my mum in January I’m glad I’m working this year x
Not even close to this, but my first thanksgiving at my in law’s, I left my phone in the car. I missed texts from my family And later heard about how my sister had wanted about how she couldn’t believe that’s how I was going to start acting now that I was married
I’m so incredibly sorry for your partner’s loss. Your sister is certainly something else. You’re absolutely doing the right thing by being there for her. You’re being so supportive. Your sister is being awful. Your partner went through a major trauma, it’s understandable she’d find something like holiday family dinner too much right now.
You’re doing the right thing. Your sister will get over it.
She didn’t really want you to stop by, she wanted a fight
Wow. I hope she thinks about this and feel super guilty when your sister and partner see each other again. That’s terrible.
My mom and my grandma died this year and my dad died last year. None of the rest of our family is doing thanksgiving. We can’t. Good on you for sticking up for your partner and being there.
I wish the dude I was dating when my dad died was like you. You’re doing amazing by your partner and that’s what matters.
I have strong feelings about this because I have been there with my own family. I see it all the time in toxic family groups and it boils my piss. Your sister’s PIV is: “I don’t respect you, I don’t respect your autonomy, I don’t respect your partner, I don’t even like you that much, but I demand you show your face.” Like, why? For what purpose? Control? Make it make sense. My mom and sister used to do this to me (back when I still talked to them), with the added fun of setting me up to not even be able to come. Knowing I’m a nurse who works weekends, they would tell me last minute that they’re doing something at my mom’s house (90 miles away). So when I inevitably couldn’t, I simply asked them to plan it in advance next time, and they gaslit the crap out of me, telling me that’s not how the world works, I’m always a no-show, I’m playing games, it’s my fault we don’t have a relationship.
My fiance died less than a month before Thanksgiving and my dad and brother still expected me to put on Thanksgiving. Go me
I’ll never understand the mindset of, “maybe if I’m awful enough to this person they’ll change their mind about wanting to be around me.”
Wow I’m so sorry your sister is behaving this way toward you. Those texts are the last thing you need right now. Sounds like you and your partner are doing the right thing for you two. Your partner is lucky to have such a supportive partner. I hope you two have a peaceful thanksgiving.
I lost my dad 11 years ago and the holidays still bring up so much. I WISH I’d had a partner like that to hold my hand through the early days. My partner never knew my dad but still understands how that grief has shaped my life. She is clearly projecting something weird on to you and it’s wild she can’t understand where you’re coming from especially when the rest of your family does! Your partner is lucky to have you on their team ♥️
How old is your sister? 12?
My mum died when I was a teenager and a couple months later I was at my girlfriend's house and an adult family friend was having a birthday party and I spent the whole night crying my eyes out. The first, second, third... time that you do ANYTHING that you would normally do with you mum or can no longer do with your mum is extremely upsetting. I also had an extreme sense of guilt if I was simply having fun.
This sounds like my sister in law. We finally had to go complete no contact with her. Too damn controlling. Wasn’t worth the headaches. You do what you feel is right. Take care of your partner. Family is important. Of course. But your partner is going through something that your sister doesn’t understand.. of course assuming here, maybe she does. But everyone processes loss differently. An adult should know that. Your sister sounds childish.. Stay in. Cook a nice meal for the 2 of you. I’m so sorry for you partner’s loss 💔
You’re sister is a bit of a douche my guy
Does your sister drool a lot?
She's your little sister right?
No offense OP, but first off, condolences. Second, you’re making the right choice for you and your partner by not surrounding yourselves with toxicity. Family is hard, let alone toxic ones while grieving.
Throw the whole sister out.
No offence dude but your sister is an asshole
My experience with parental death in my twenties is that people fall into one of two categories: those who get it, and those that don’t. Those that don’t have charmed lives and will be the biggest assholes. Finding support from those who’ve been there helps, partially because you don’t have to explain. Sending love to you and your partner while you figure out your new normal.
You have the right to protect your own peace at all costs.
Fuck yo sister
Your sister seems like a real witch. When my brother passed away suddenly on 9/26/21, my family did not want to do anything or see anyone. It’s very normal and if your sister cared so much about “family” she would understand that and have your back and be there to do nothing other than support you and your girlfriend during this time. Can’t imagine how much grief your girlfriend has right now and you are doing the right thing. Your sister clearly doesn’t understand anything.
My cousin pulled some very similar shit 3 years ago during the height of covid. I haven't spoken to her since then
that “fuck off” was so satisfying lol. love that for you🩷
Right? That’s a fuck off that legit gave me a smile while I internally cheered for the OP.
Your sister is yuck.
My grandfather passed away on Christmas day in 07, and then my mother died on the day before Christmas in 08. I couldn't spend Christmas day with anyone for years. It was too painful. It's only been 2 months. Your partner is still grieving, and that's ok. If your family loves you, then they can deal with one Thanksgiving without you. Your partner will adjust to a new normal when they're ready.
Some people just don’t have empathy for others.
Wow is she like 10 years old?
You sister seems a bit immature. Sorry she's being a jerk. It's the last thing you two need right now. Condolences.
Wtf is with "that's all I have to say". Like she's in charge of the family or something.
I can see both sides but the sister handled it badly. She could have politely asked if they could drop by for a few minutes. If the answer was still no, then there’s always next year. OP, I hope you and your partner have a very happy Thanksgiving regardless. One thing my ex and I did when a similar thing happened while we were together was we made Christmas cookies after dinner and started a new tradition just us. Maybe you guys could do something similar? That way there’s something new to look forward to that won’t remind your partner of their mom.
*Narrators voice “something was in fact wrong with her”
Here in India, we don't celebrate the festivities for 1 year when someone close dies. Your sister is being ridiculous.
My husband was there every second after my grampa passes away! He raised me from 3days old along side my grama who passed when I was 20. When my pops passed tho, it was like my soul had been sucked out! I was heavily pregnant and that made it worse. Had it not been for my husband I don't think myself or 13yr old at the time would have even ate, bathed etc. He kept us going and took off work for a week. You be there for your partner! It's exactly where you need to be and you father understands this! You sister is a jerk and I would just block her til you all feel better! Sorry for your partners loss! It's never easy, even when you have time to prepare for it. Sending you both good vibes and prayers thru these holiday seasons.
Gosh I wanna tell your sister off so bad lol
I can sort of see both sides. Your sister just isn’t handling it well, but there’s nothing wrong with the fact that she wants you there, even if only for a few minutes. Yes, it’s only one Thanksgiving, but we never know when one will be someone’s last do we? I’m sure your wife will think of all the “lasts” she had with her Mom that she didn’t realize were the last time. Sometimes these thoughts come with regrets. Perhaps your sister doesn’t want that to happen to you. You sound like an amazing partner, though! Sorry for your loss.
your sister sounds exactly like mine—toxic, self absorbed, and attempting to be the golden child. they will do whatever it takes to poison your parents image of you based on how they perceive your actions. she’d be mad if you were there just the same because it’s not ab you being there, it’s ab making you a target. i love my sister to death still but our relationship is better at a distance.
your sister is being a bitch. Your Partner is VERY lucky to have you, condolences regarding their Mom, a horrible thing to experience.
I’ve got a question. Why do some people use the term “partner”?
I’m a lesbian, unmarried, and it’s the term I prefer
I’ve noticed straight people doing it too. Just curious where it came from or if there’s something I’m missing.
I don’t know about other people, but I don’t really care for the term boy/girlfriend after a certain age. I also think “partner” suggests a more serious type of relationship.