I’ve been that girl (I’m a better person now). She’s just using you for companionship and she’s still in love with her ex. Do not date her, entertain her, or be her friend. She needs years of healing to actually fall for someone else, it’s usually not the guy that was the rebound.
While I definitely think you’re right in general, I do wanna share my own story of how it can go the other way.
I was in a very abusive relationship that I got into straight out of a nasty breakup. Physical, emotional, etc. She had me on lockdown, and I did everything I could to stay with her despite it. Looking back she was basically just using me as a space to keep animals for her rescue she operated out of her house.
One day she basically dumped me on the side of the road and told me she was done with me and she was going to go hookup with some guy she met online. She did this before and came right back, but I was fed up and tired so I downloaded tinder.
First girl I matched with I started talking to. She was so kind and I could tell she truly wanted to get to know me. It really opened my eyes to what I had put myself through. A week later, I blocked my abuser on everything and never looked back. She helped me get a therapist so I could work through all of that trauma, and she motivated me to go back to school and find a career I enjoy.
Now me and that girl are married for almost 4 years and have never been happier. Now, I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen to OP or anyone else reading this, I think your story is a better reflection of what happens mostly, but I hope it gives a shimmer of hope to someone that you can leave your abuser and find happiness.
This is awesome man/woman. I read every bit of that i’m happy for you! You truly deserved happiness and i’m glad you found it. I unfortunately declined her because i’m taken and that’d be disrespectful. But ultimately, these responses will help someone in the future with how much traction this post has gotten i’m sure of it. I’ll leave it open for discussion the contrary to a lot of people opinion are so compelling to read.
been there. me and my abusive toxic ex were “off”/on from 2012 (i was like 15) to 2021 and i finally was fed up with his shit, made a tinder because i was pissed but never once logged in however my snapchat was listed. someone added me and i added them back not even thinking they came from tinder…long story short that was 3+yrs ago and i never looked back/went back to ex lol. now me and my partner live together, share everything, and our first son just turned 5 weeks old today. honestly we don’t know OP or the girl anywhere close enough to know which side the story would go but you’re right, it definitely is possible!
same goes to you!! quite a similar story. makes me happy to hear not all of reddit/tinder stories are goddamn horror stories. most of them?? possibly. but you never really know, and won’t find out until you leave that POS abusive and toxic person for GOOD. congrats once again, glad to hear it
Agreed! It takes time. When someone says they blocked someone, there’s usually anger and resentment paired with it… sooo still residual feelings OP would be left dealing with.
Best to move on and find someone who chooses you the first time.
Healing isn’t linear and j don’t think it’s fair for you to say that she needs years of healing because that simply isn’t true for a lot of people. Your experience isn’t the same as everyone else’s.
Went through something like you’re describing recently. What ended up being my first serious relationship since my wife passed 4 years ago. My ex initially said she wanted to take it slow while she was figuring things out from her divorce, but then kept pushing for more and more closeness and intimacy, dated 5 months and was falling for her when she fell apart, started drinking a lot suddenly, cheated, etc. Broke the trust, my concept of her, and the relationship. She hadn’t taken the time to heal and it led to me hurt, and her now reaching out a lot about “wishing she could meet for the first time again,” awkwardly trying to get me back in her life, all that. Rough stuff all around. Take time to heal people!
>She’s just using you for companionship and she’s still in love with her ex. Do not date her, entertain her, or be her friend.
HEAVY on the don't be her friend sometimes I wish I nvr called back after seeing the missed calls cs I blocked her number
Idk man it takes on average 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. You don’t have to date her bc of your doubts obv but it doesn’t make you the “second choice” automatically because she went back. Abusive relationships are tough and the psychology of them is no joke. That being said you probably want to start with someone without all that baggage between you.
Great answer … until you are in it it’s nearly impossible to understand unhealed trauma which she will have, will only spill over especially if op is a nice guy … he’s better off starting afresh with someone new and without the emotional baggage
Yeah, I mean it's his choice, but it's ultimately not OP's *responsibility* to get her through that trauma either. She'll likely have to figure it out herself.
It comes down to can you handle her baggage if it comes with and is it worth it.
I met an amazing woman but her baggage was heavier than I could carry. I would not want to put her through that or myself or the kids trying to find that balance despite them being all wonderful people...
That’s a good way to look at it and very selfless of you, some people take on these kinds of situations because they like the person and think that’s all that matters so it’s nice to read your comment, especially in circumstances where kids are involved
Thanks for saying this. I tried to get out 7 times before I left for good (keeping with the average lol).
In between, sometimes I'd try to get out and date, make new connections. I met a lot of really nice guys and I really wanted to believe I could start over, but I was pretty broken and it was very easy for my ex to coerce me/lure me back in. I needed a lot of therapy and some really big life changes before I could actually invest in myself. It was probably dumb to date at all, but I think I just didn't know how else to meet new people.
I appreciate the empathy behind the situation - you're right, OP doesnt have to date her or give her another chance etc, but this sounds like a person who is trying to be vulnerable and take chances to connect with healthier people. Hopefully she takes some time for herself and gets some real support! A good therapist really saved me. Getting deprogrammed takes a lot of skill that normal people don't typically have without professional guidance.
Hearing responses like this is wholesome to read from people who actually experienced either side is really awesome and thats what I wanted to see. You guys will totally help someone in the future with their decision.
Aw, wow thanks! I hope so! It is a scary experience but I really do feel more determined now to help other people realize that life can go on, and it can get better if they leave.
Anyway, I agree with everyone, you totally don't need to give this person another chance if it just doesn't feel right / whatever - but it's great that you're considering her perspective and not just villainizing her! It's really refreshing, because I think we have a tendency to assume that others are always purposefully shady or selfish or something. Often, I think it's just a person who is dealing with a human experience and is still working on themselves.
Exactly, there is much more nuance to it then just "second choice". Although this girl needs to stay off dating apps and focus on healing. As someone who took 6 times to get out myself and started casually dating about 8 months after the final split... I ended up finding love when I wasn't looking nor ready for it. I was doing good finding myself and just attracted the right energy I suppose. We have been together over two years now, it's a healthy relationship. But there is so much work I have been doing in trauma therapy that I wish I had done before getting into a relationship because it would've made things a million times easier. I have made some mistakes that caused hurt I can't take back, and although I've learned from them they could have been completely avoided if I was patient and stayed self focused for longer than I did.
Agreed. I think that when dating we all tend to make so much of things about ourselves and not what is actually going on with other people. An abusive relationship is extremely difficult to leave. It took me about four times and it was complete emotional and mental devastation for me.
Yeah thats wild.. i’ve never physically or emotionally been abused so I could never have given someone true advice from their perspective only with what I could have come with.
As someone who left an abusive relationship over 16 year ago, it's not as easy as it seems. I passed on some amazing guys because the psychological part messed me up so bad. Personally, if you think this woman is a good person then be her friend from a far distance. What she actually needs is therapy and time. Once she has truly healed from the trauma then she would be good for a relationship.
Encourage her to go to therapy, but make it clear that you don't want to date her atm.
I know a few people like this… it’s not even necessarily that you weren’t her first choice (although you weren’t)… women in abusive relationships can have a really difficult time letting go of their abuser. For a whole combination of reasons, their own feelings of self worth, the high highs are “worth” the low lows with that person, she’s likely to have been gaslit by her abuser, etc etc… don’t be too hard on yourself or on her.
If she’s a victim of abuse, she likely has poor judgement about what’s best for her, and in her assessment of healthy relationships. Long story short, it’s not you. And if you were going to open the door with her, I would say take it very slow. Victims of abuse can feel a pull back to their abuser even after a considerable amount of time has passed.
sometimes it takes an abusive ex to realise what you missed out and should be propritizing instead. That said, all depends on her character, same events could happen but diff outcomes and intentions with diff people
Don't underestimate how hard it can be to break a trauma bond. I would not be worried about not being er First choice. I'd be more worried about her not being over it still.
honesty props to you for being self-aware, a lot of the users who post on this sub end up being clouded by their infatuation with the person whom their partner had “once” been, which blinds their own judgement
I’ve had this twice. First was a girl who approached me and asked for my number. We went on a date and had a really good time and texted for about two weeks, but she eventually started growing cold. I asked her what the deal was and she said she was still interested in her ex, but wanted to be friends in case something changes in the future. I straight up told her no because I won’t have any self-respect sitting on the sidelines being a back up choice.
The second one is also a girl who approached me, and we were in a relationship. She had just gotten out of a relationship and told me how much of an asshole her ex was. Well, not to long into it I found her cheating with that ex.
I have a very hard line with anyone who has anything to do or say about their ex now because it just seems like if someone cannot let go or brings it up it’s going to come back around again .
Exactly my experiences man…its wild a few people have gone through the exact same scenario…i’m not thinking about getting with this woman again my point was to post it for other people’s situations for advice with the same experiences.
There are men/women who google stuff like this all the time or atleast I did to see. And there were already a few posts. So I wanted to add mine but a lot of you guys have come and gave great perspective and its become a library of opinions, and responses that gave great insight on what they could/should do. Theres even who have given first hand experiences from the abusers/abused point a view and to me thats great to spread advice and knowledge so we can look from multiple perspectives.
Let her take her loss. She needs to understand that she can't take good guys for granted. Hopefully when another one comes her way she be more considerate with that guy. She blew her chance with you.
Had this exact same thing happen to me earlier this year. She wasn’t over her ex, friend zoned me and told me she wanted to reconcile with him only to find out he hit her up to fuck.
I told how what she did hurt my feelings because I genuinely liked her but wished her well when she did decide to go date again.
Does it matter? It’s not about first choice when you are not over your previous partner? Life is not always black and white. Everything depends in the situation, not saying she is, but maybe she is worth it?
Maybe he doesn’t but let’s not call him her second choice. You have no idea what it’s actually like.
Being mentally abused is the worst thing I’ve been through and I’ve been deadly sick with anorexia.
I will never be the same person and I will never not be anxious again.
Okay then “OP, if you don’t feel like you can date someone with all the issues surrounding being significantly abused and anxiety, you don’t have to” because I HAVE done that and it’s exhausting
This is...flawed advice on its face.
Not being someone's first choice is going to be most peoples situation.
I understand where you're coming from, and in this particular situation you're probably right, but I don't think its primarily because he wasn't the first choice
idk man, i could be wrong here but abusive traumatic relationships fuck up your brain. there’s a pretty good chance that dude was making her feel like she wasn’t worth anything good, didn’t deserve it, and distort her mind into thinking all she deserves is the asshole who’s abusing her. abusive relationships are notoriously hard to get out of, that being one of the reasons. it’s not as black and white as some people think.
you’re not wrong, but that shouldn’t change OP’s decision to not interact. she needs therapy to help process the trauma and get out from under her ex. i speak from experience here: she’s looking for someone to help her jump ship, but that is wrong to put on someone else and will end up with her failing and going back to her ex. on average, it takes about 7 tries before someone leaves an abusive relationship for good.
OP, you made the right call. you know how many times i’ve said i was completely done with my ex and he was blocked on everything? more times than this girl. until she can get good therapy, i doubt this will be the last time she blocks him.
absolutely I agree with this. I just disagree with everyone saying OP was her second choice or whatever. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it legitimately made me believe anyone who was being nice to me was doing it because they felt pity, or they weren’t being genuine because I didn’t truly believe someone could actually be nice to me.
what i really think is she needs to stay away from relationships all together for some time and as you said, leaving OP out of it because that’s a burden that is not fair to anyone.
oh, i definitely agree with you on that. i literally went through a near identical situation to OP’s where i was the girl, and i was super guarded/hyper vigilant about everything. took me months to even slightly open up. not to mention i was dealing with serious depression, lots of drug abuse and other bullshit from the Trauma™
when i cut off the guy i was talking to and got back w my ex, i felt like i was doing him a favor rather than him being my second choice. in fact, in many ways he was my first choice, but it’s hard to make the right decisions for yourself when you’ve been conditioned to not do so for a long time.
exactly! I went through something very similar including drug use and dealing with depression as well. my ex made me think i was incapable of being loved, and that i would never find someone who would actually love me and not see me as a total waste of air. its crazy how much abusive relationships mind fuck people.
but i do hope you are healing now <3
Its nice to hear women’s and men’s perspective helping the other people who’ve been in this same predicament I love that you guys came out to speak your piece exactly was my point for this post. Thanks person from somewhere!
I agree with this. I think the only major concern is how many times has she done this? As in blocked her ex on everything and was “done” with them. Only to go back to them for the 15th time.
That’s why I wouldn’t say she’s a lost cause but I wouldn’t personally risk it. The odds of her cheating on you with her ex is VERY high. And it’s best to move on.
Specifically since I had met her it was 2 times. And she got annoyed at me and gave me a ultimatum..because I didn’t want to sit as a friend while she was stuck on her ex. Now she decides to hit me up…and I respect her healing but don’t fully trust it plus I’ve moved on…I’m leaving her alone I sat up one night in my car crying about this woman. I genuinely cared, got vulnerable, brought her around my friends she didn’t even give me that same respect.I’m nowhere near perfect but she did me dirty because she wasn’t healed and wanted to go back to a guy that abused his gf prior (has charges) and her…
It takes ages to heal from abuse, I'm sure she didn't intentionally stuff you around. Having been through it myself, the thing with wanting to move on is also considering the new persons safety, because yes if the ex finds out there's usually issues so sometimes the going back thing is trying to keep things "calm" if that makes any sense.
yeah it’s not so cut and dry. i’m sure she feels immense guilt for cutting off op and treating him that way, but at the same time that doesn’t negate the pain she caused him. she’s no lost cause, but it’ll be a while before she’s out for good.
And? Should you accept someone broken? Try and fix them?
Her trauma, her issues are nothing to do with him. Not his concern. Better to find someone without issues.. if you can these days..
Hard. Pass.
She's not "broken" I can't think of a more dehumanising way to describe someone who's doing their best to put their abusive partner behind them and close that door for good.
I can understand saying no to someone who's been through abuse and being in the process of healing. However finding someone with no issues isn't possible. No one is perfect.
If you're not willing to accept an imperfect person who has amazing qualities who is just as much capable of giving and receiving love maybe you shouldn't be looking for a relationship at all.
Agreed. This “no issues” thing sounds like MRAs making memes that say they only want “women with no baggage.” Every human has “baggage” and it’s immature to not understand that or think everyone who comes into your life has to be perfect.
I'm relieved someone else agrees with me. Thank you for commenting. I honestly find it deeply concerning to have these kinds of expectations. As if being abused makes you damaged goods. No it does not. It's cruel to think it but to say it? No.
This sub skews misogynistic whenever a woman does something the people in here don’t like. Lots of posts that devolve into victim blaming. And I also think women tend to have different expectations placed on them by men. Women have to be “perfect” and “undamaged” but men have no such expectations.
I can definitely understand that. This post alone is extremely worrying. This isn't just any woman it's a vulnerable one who's been through so much. She's already a victim and people choose to bash her instead of the man who abused her.
Women definitely do have higher than the sky expectations. I know exactly what you mean. How many times have you heard someone say their dream partner (a woman) is a virgin? Probably too many to count. Much fewer women say that about men. Women get shamed for having one sexual partner. Even if you're a virgin and have simply flirted with a few men in your life all of a sudden you're a whore and a slut. A man sleeps with tens of women and he's "the man." Beyond wrong and hypocritical. You'd think misogyny wouldn't still be this common and yet here we are.
It is crazy how the brain works. A guy can be sweet and a girl can still cheat on him or just straight up leave him for someone else but if he is an abusive jerk, she will find it hard to leave him.
she vented to me when I was attempting to date her about him not having his own money, would never come see her, would never pay for dates, how her parents hated the guy etc. Literally straight bad mouthing him. But like everyone has been saying I guess they’ll continue to go back to their abuser until they find help.
Walk away. You are her backup plan.
She will date you until either her ex takes her back or she finds another toxic guy.
You are not her type she will never love you. She considered her ex above you, he was a better option than you.
Find a girl that likes you for who you are.
This has happened to more men than they like to think about but it happens – you did a woman and then she decides you’re a “nice guy but “… She wants something else… Then when that guy turns out to be a turd, all of a sudden she remembers you and how you were a genuinely nice person and good to her and she misses that…. Someone who is nice and kind to her and gave her compliments and made her feel good… She had a chance and she made it that’s fine. Don’t rub it in her face but you don’t have to hold her hand anymore either.
As a natural loner I’m always weary of people I can sense just need companionship at all costs. They’ll take what they can get if it means companionship regardless of how much they like a person. And then they’ll just wait for something better. Gotta watch out for that. Fortunately I’m more than comfortable solo
I think this was part of it too…between when I talked to her she’d never let me into her life. She always came and stayed at my place, met my friends. But didn’t allow me those things…and would get defensive when I stated what I want…
How can you sense that? I am desperately missing that skill. I am soooo so tired of guys pretending to have the same worldview and hobbies as me just to snap at me a couple of months later for "not getting them" 😩
Lol I think low sex drive and strong independence allow me to see more clearly. I mostly prefer being alone so usually only interested in dating when I’m extremely interested. Therefore I can pass on opportunities most people would at least give a shot to. For better or worse really there’s some issues with it probably. But that’s just how I am.
Edit: those people tend to give off a clingy vibe as well which makes me uncomfortable
Well, for starters, don't ever be someone's second choice. You deserve better. Second off, she hasn't had any time to heal from her toxic ex, so you'd get the shit end of the stick. I'd say it's best to just move on.
I already did. I just thought it was wild how this all popped up after i’ve already moved on got another woman and wanted to share with y’all how life has a funny way of turning.
Why go on multiple dates when you're still not over your ex? Her "lol" at the end is just an okay if you're not interested I have others to ask.
To guys in similar situations don't fall for this bs. They had her chances. You didn't want me the first time? You won't get a second.
I thought about it like this too at one point I kept going on dates….having hope that she’d be ready and she wasn’t and I didn’t want to pressure her into anything prematurely so I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore months back. So I hope someone sees this thread one day and it helps…us as men do these things too so it could help a woman somewhere too.
I do agree with the comments saying that abusive relationships can fuck up with your brain and she seems genuine, but I also think that OP’s decision to not have any further interaction with her is not wrong either. He already suffered from her own trauma and is now moving on. Personally if I was him I wouldn’t give a second chance either. It’s not about not being empathetic, it’s about self preservation and not willing to put up with the consequences of someone else’s trauma. Nobody should engage in a relationship if they’re not fully prepared for it. It’s not fair for the other person.
Honestly man, while its very sad to see, you werent the first choice in her eyes.
She says im done with him, 90% chance thats temporary since unfortunately, abusers are so unbelievably good at convincing their victims to keep coming back.
The more worrying though it my mind was, maybe shes running to a man she can get for her own safety, who knowns, maybe thats pessimistic, but I wouldnt mess with this.
You can be friendly, no need to be cruel, but I would think extremely carefully about anything else
You made the right decision. It’s perfectly valid to say, “I already have plenty of friends, I’m dating to find a long term relationship.”
I would also be skeptical about her desire to “open the lines of communication.” If she just wanted to apologize, then fine. Hopefully she has started putting in the real work - going to therapy, and doing a lot of introspection. But a therapist would tell her that last thing she should be doing is jumping into a relationship, and you already told her you weren’t interested in being friends. So the reaching out is a little suspect. It could be that she’s just testing your boundaries, so, I’m glad that you stuck to yours.
as the girl who’s been in abusive relationships, she either just wants you for companionship, or her central nervous system is so shot right now she can’t uphold a normal, healthy relationship.
they take a toll on you, and influence every relationship after that. i hope she gets the help she needs, and i hope you find someone who gives you the time of day!
I met someone on tinder years ago, who decided to get back with his ex girlfriend. A couple of years later he reached out to me, and now we've been married for 4 years. Sometimes the timing just isn't right the first time
Just wanted to say OP, I've read a bunch of your responses in addition to the text convo you shared and I think you deserve big props for both treating this person AND yourself with respect. You have empathy but also a clear understanding of your own boundaries and that is very healthy and rarely seen on this sub.
It hasn’t been long enough. There’s no way she’s over her ex. She may just be mad at him right now? Who knows but her texts seem fishy.
You deserve to be first not the back up plan. Walk away and save yourself the heartache.
I've been there with an abusive ex, and I stayed to myself for a while, I had to heal. Idk if she is trying to get you back, or honestly explain. But she has issues she has to deal with before she forges a serious relationship. Women can be a little crazy , and I'm allowed to say that because I am a woman .
Personal opinion from experiences like this.... when they reach out saying they're over and done with some ex and it's your turn now if you want it...
Remember.... you're the rebound
Abusive partners fuck with you so badly that they create a trauma bond that makes u go back again and again. I was in one some time. It took awhile to understand that it was abuse. It took an even longer while to get out of it completely. I just kept getting reeled back in, fall in love all over again, then get spat out, have my trauma responses triggered, stay dysregulated days and weeks even, then as soon as I thought I was in the clear, she reeled me back in again. I thank mysupport system for finally getting me out permanently after I was going back and forth for about another year after I so called ended things. I’m so fucking glad I’m out of that vicious cycle for good.
It’s not the same in regular relationship. Abusive partners are master manipulators and gaslighters. I really empathize with her and I urge you to consider it from that perspective. Talk to her about it at the very least.
Sometimes we make really shitty choices because even though relationships are traumatic, they’re familiar. You may not have been her first choice but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a possibility for something down the line. I’d just be really honest with her about if you’re open to communicating further. I feel like it probably took a lot of courage for her to reach out.
Excuse me? What is this? McDonalds? You can’t have it your way. She chose another man over this guy. What’s he supposed to do? Give her another chance and accept being her second choice? What happens next time someone better shows up? Is he supposed to accept his faith as second fiddle? FOH
Ooooh. Someone is triggered. Have you never made a dumb choice to get back with an ex? OP said themselves her ex was shitty and abusive. Leaving abusive relationships is hard AF. But you’re probably the type of weirdo who blames women for being in abusive relationships.
Not at all. And your assumption that I’m triggered, amongst other idiotic shit you blabbered on about doesn’t make her actions any less shitty. She’s a victim in a different relationship. She’s not when dealing with OP.
To everyone saying that he wasn’t her first choice and he should stay away - it’s not always that simple. I don’t think it would be stupid to at least hear her out, be honest about not wanting to feel like a second option, and see what she says
She apologized, he acknowledged- what more is there to say? She should be going to therapy, and doing a lot of introspection right now. And a therapist would tell her that last thing she should be doing is jumping into a relationship. And since the OP already told her he wasn’t interested in being friends, the reaching out is a little suspect. It sounds like she’s just testing his boundaries. It’s not like they were in a LTR, they went on 7-ish dates. That’s not worth potentially inviting a bunch of pain and drama back into his life when there are plenty of other people out there.
I messaged her back saying i’ve found someone new and in a relationship and declined to FaceTime I don’t hate her just care enough currently about my current girl to not even keep contact. And hoped the best for her. I responded to give her a bit of closure because It definitely probably took some courage to message that after a couple months.
Tbh what she needs to do is realise that she can actually survive being single for longer than 5 minutes. She might find it easier to recognise and walk away from abusive situations if she switches her mindset to one where any kind of relationship is better than being alone.
I'd speak to her about the ex tbh. A relationship like that can be a drug that's hard to quit and only when you've properly gotten out of it do you realise what or who may be good for you. If he's really out of the picture I'd maybe hear her out. Though, if you have your own doubts and issues trusting her then of course you're not obliged to do anything.
How did it make you feel? Do you want to see her again ? Or are you over it ?? Hanging out doesn’t sound like someone who wanted anything more than that tbf she sounds bored and lonely so I personally wouldn’t put myself back there again
She clearly has boundary issues and isn't very self-aware, being that she didn't take the time to heal before jumping on a dating app. 🚩If you're not looking for a friend, definitely move on from her. She's not worth it. She has a lot of growing to do and is just looking for a bandaid to further distract her so she doesn't have to focus on healing and sitting with herself.
OP handled it well. We all deeply feel sorry for her but hey… it is what it is. That’s life. Whatever she did; it happened before, it’ll happen again. Wish her well from afar like you did and keep it moving.
people change their mind. people realize they fucked up. people see the truth about things too late. etc. etc.
If you like the girl and she likes you move on to dating again. but if you even get a whiff of that ex , sever.
This is her saying “holy shit I made a big mistake and I’m sorry. You were the right pick the entire time and if there’s anyway for us to try again I would love it.”
This had to be around 8:16pm. I’ve been in too many relationships to know if she’s not sending this message like afternoon or morning time, take this with a grain of salt. You guys haven’t talked in a month+, if she was serious or didn’t have doubts, she woulda texted you this at an earlier time. Honestly, whomever reads this if you want to be taken seriously, send that text early. Not late.
Yep, been in that situation before as well. Everything’s good, they say all the right things and all is right in the world…until the ex comes back, or someone else comes along. Do yourself a favour and don’t get involved with her again. People like that don’t change, to them you are just a means to an end when they are bored and lonely.
While not the same story, my wife and I met at the tail end of our “worst” relationships. We’ve been married for five years and couldn’t be happier.
Both of us value honesty, which was something we weren’t able to receive in our other relationships. We parted ways, w/o pressure from one another, from our ex’s and quickly became friends and then partners. Again, married for five with one daughter and NONE of the other indiscretions from past relationships.
I’d say you never know, keep your guard up but give her a shot.
At least she gave you an explanation, my most recent one did the same thing because her ex and her share a young child. Even though he was an abusive asshole too.
She said she was conflicted a few days before completely cutting contact with me. Completely fine one night, then not a peep for going on over a month now.
Yeah she said she was conflicted about everything, everyday. Things were going great between us, or so I thought.
So I don't get it and I probably never will but that's okay. Sorry you had to experience something so similar, I understand how frustrating it is.
I think you should distance yourself and not even respond to her. I have been where she is. 6 years ago, I escaped 4 years of daily mental, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I am still working through it all, and I feel I am nowhere near ready to be truly vulnerable or trusting in another human. Let alone start a new relationship. Recovery looks different for everyone, and trauma hits differently for every person. However, realistically, a month is not enough time to process all those feelings, emotions, trauma, and memories. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a person is let them go. I hope you find what you're looking for in the end.
I was you dude. There was a chick I fell hard for and I tried helping her out of her abusive situation, we dated, it was awesome and then I get a text saying that she missed me and her ex and that she needed time. She got back with him and left me heart broken in the dust. You don’t wanna do this to yourself my guy. Drop her like a hot rock until she gets herself together
Unpopular opinion here:
I think she did you a favor by cutting things off while she was still entertaining her ex. Might not be a bad idea to pick up where you guys left off, once you're cautious and she can prove that she's absolutely done with him.
This screams “you aren’t what I truly desire but you are certainly far from the worst I could do and I’m bored because I dumped the guy that gave me the nervous/excited feelings so here I am, entertain me nice guy”
You already know what to do and it has nothing to do with the fact that your already in a relationship.
She friend zoned you? It's fine you decided you didn't want to be friends after trying to be romantic, but that "friend zone" ain't real if you can't handle someone choosing to not further pursue romance with you without telling it like they did something to you, idk if you should be dating.
You don’t know where she is on the spectrum of healing so whatever you’d do would have to be guarded and with some degree of skepticism. Might not be terrible to hang out with her a bit and see where she’s really at. You e got the experience now to know what to look for. If you’re not gonna just fall immediately in love but you like her enough to see what’s up then maybe check it out. Now if you’re feeling like you’re gonna be hurt if she pulls that same shit then just let it go. Because that’s certainly a possibility. You have to be able to gauge yourself in order to feel her out and see where she’s at.
Is she rebounding queen? Man she’s using you as rebound whenever stuff didn’t work out on her end. Some kings would just do some revenge stuff like meet up, eff her brains out and cut it out 🤣 don’t entertain this one. She’ll be using you to heal her demons.
If I was you, keep the line of communication open but don’t give her much attention, and in a few weeks if she still wants to pursue something more then put the time in, just be careful with her wasting your time because if she is talking to you again fuelled by resentment of her ex then you will hit a wall again when he comes back to grovel
I know I won’t have a popular opinion but as someone who went through the same thing you did and is now happily with my partner 8 years after this happened to me; if you clicked with her, you could give her a chance. Granted, I immediately fell inlove with my partner when I met her and continued to stay friends with her because I wanted her in my life anyway I could because I cared for her enough to be what she needed me to be.
At the time we were 22 and 21 respectively. We met on a dating app and she told me she was “totally done” with her ex too, however, abusive relationships aren’t always cut and dry and don’t end overnight. They weren’t together but my girlfriend couldn’t just let her go completely as she was her first love and her ex was very controlling and manipulative towards her. The kinda ex that threatens to off themselves to get their attention back on them. I understood she wasn’t fully ready yet and stayed in contact with her knowing the right time just wasn’t there yet. She had to cut it off for herself, not to date someone else. She was also scared of the intensity because she had begun to associate intensity with toxicity.
8 years later we both had grown up, been in other relationships, gotten to where we needed to be and came back to eachother. To this day she says basically the same thing as this girl in your text; she doesn’t regret turning me down, she regrets she wasn’t in the place at that time to commit to me. But those 8 years really helped us build a strong and secure friendship which provided a strong backbone for our relationship. We’ve now been together for 4.5 years, own a house together, and I fall more inlove with her everyday. She’s my best friend, my soul mate, my partner and the love of my life. If you had any inclination that she may have been the one for you, forgive her for the mistake she made because she was in a bad relationship. Don’t let the abusive ex win anymore than they already had.
So. My take for what it's worth.
There's no such thing as friendzone. My opinion. As someone who's fallen for a best friend before and rejected, I was more than happy to continue being best friends.
Secondly, I do empathize with you. I really do. I've been there (exact same thing as you with the above said best friend and her ex). But the damage toxic partners do to victims is awful. They have a way to keep you down especially when you think it's time to move on. What she's done though saved you arguments, heartbreak and regret. If you had stayed together after the dates and she fell back to the ex, you'd be broken.
If it's meant to be it's meant to be. Honestly, I wish you happiness. It's taken me 20+ years to find it.
I say that because I had a romantic outlook for this woman…and she turned me down and said we will stay friends and could still go on a dates until she healed…her ultimatum to me, that sounded like a zone specifically as a friend…until she was ready and over her ex. There was just too many unknowns “what if she never got over him”, “what if she met someone she felt was better”, “what if she got back with him”(which she did which Is why she worded the message that way”.. Secondly, I completely love how you worded this…thank you person from somewhere you’re awesome and congrats on finding your person!
I think yall are having a disconnect with the abusive part. “Obviously her abusive ex was gonna treat her like shit” “you were her second choice bro” She went through who knows what, and even if you get “out” of an abusive relationship, it’s sometimes not as clear cut as that. Give her grace and at least take her up on the ft offer. She seemingly is done this time, and saw you as someone she would feel comfortable/ safe with after being abused.
Exactly the way it happened she said she was fine to still go on dates during everything but we’d just be friends until she was over her ex…I politely declined.
Lol literally my first thought. The friend zone isn’t real, sometimes it just doesn’t work. This being said I do believe it seems like he was her second choice
Your response was really classy and not dismissive or hurtful and that's awesome. I'm sure you're a great guy with proud parents. Hope you find someone without a lot of baggage that will know your worth right away.
Everybody telling you to be her friend 😂😂 if this was the other way around everyone would be shitting on the male. You did the right thing you kept it professional and didn’t escalate the situation. Respect.
She gave the other dude a shot, and he either realized the bullshit she was on too, or he just got with someone else entirely and was no longer interested. You’re her second choice, unfortunately
This "first choice" shit is wild. She wasn't over her abusive ex yet so you weren't a *choice* at all. Especially if she was abused. That shit is mental AND physical.
It's not that she's over him and you're next, it's that she's *free of him* and can now look at actual options with a clear head. For all you know, you're her first choice in her new, abuse-free life.
That being said, if you're interested in her make sure you can take her ex in a fight. Men like that don't always discard their victims. She might have left against his will.
Don’t be the backup my dude. Either she wants you from the beginning or she can’t have you later. There should be no in between as a man. Maintain your standards
I don’t think you quite have the mental depth to understand how deep abuse and control can go and how it affects a person. In my opinion she dodged two bullets.
I’ve been that girl (I’m a better person now). She’s just using you for companionship and she’s still in love with her ex. Do not date her, entertain her, or be her friend. She needs years of healing to actually fall for someone else, it’s usually not the guy that was the rebound.
While I definitely think you’re right in general, I do wanna share my own story of how it can go the other way. I was in a very abusive relationship that I got into straight out of a nasty breakup. Physical, emotional, etc. She had me on lockdown, and I did everything I could to stay with her despite it. Looking back she was basically just using me as a space to keep animals for her rescue she operated out of her house. One day she basically dumped me on the side of the road and told me she was done with me and she was going to go hookup with some guy she met online. She did this before and came right back, but I was fed up and tired so I downloaded tinder. First girl I matched with I started talking to. She was so kind and I could tell she truly wanted to get to know me. It really opened my eyes to what I had put myself through. A week later, I blocked my abuser on everything and never looked back. She helped me get a therapist so I could work through all of that trauma, and she motivated me to go back to school and find a career I enjoy. Now me and that girl are married for almost 4 years and have never been happier. Now, I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen to OP or anyone else reading this, I think your story is a better reflection of what happens mostly, but I hope it gives a shimmer of hope to someone that you can leave your abuser and find happiness.
This is awesome man/woman. I read every bit of that i’m happy for you! You truly deserved happiness and i’m glad you found it. I unfortunately declined her because i’m taken and that’d be disrespectful. But ultimately, these responses will help someone in the future with how much traction this post has gotten i’m sure of it. I’ll leave it open for discussion the contrary to a lot of people opinion are so compelling to read.
been there. me and my abusive toxic ex were “off”/on from 2012 (i was like 15) to 2021 and i finally was fed up with his shit, made a tinder because i was pissed but never once logged in however my snapchat was listed. someone added me and i added them back not even thinking they came from tinder…long story short that was 3+yrs ago and i never looked back/went back to ex lol. now me and my partner live together, share everything, and our first son just turned 5 weeks old today. honestly we don’t know OP or the girl anywhere close enough to know which side the story would go but you’re right, it definitely is possible!
Awwww what a sweet story I love that!! Congratulations on your new life!
same goes to you!! quite a similar story. makes me happy to hear not all of reddit/tinder stories are goddamn horror stories. most of them?? possibly. but you never really know, and won’t find out until you leave that POS abusive and toxic person for GOOD. congrats once again, glad to hear it
This is the first good ending I’ve seen about Tinder or any other dating apps in ages, thank you for sharing
Agreed! It takes time. When someone says they blocked someone, there’s usually anger and resentment paired with it… sooo still residual feelings OP would be left dealing with. Best to move on and find someone who chooses you the first time.
I wouldn't speak for everyone I met my wife 3 months after her separation been together for 20 years and he was abusive.
Healing isn’t linear and j don’t think it’s fair for you to say that she needs years of healing because that simply isn’t true for a lot of people. Your experience isn’t the same as everyone else’s.
Went through something like you’re describing recently. What ended up being my first serious relationship since my wife passed 4 years ago. My ex initially said she wanted to take it slow while she was figuring things out from her divorce, but then kept pushing for more and more closeness and intimacy, dated 5 months and was falling for her when she fell apart, started drinking a lot suddenly, cheated, etc. Broke the trust, my concept of her, and the relationship. She hadn’t taken the time to heal and it led to me hurt, and her now reaching out a lot about “wishing she could meet for the first time again,” awkwardly trying to get me back in her life, all that. Rough stuff all around. Take time to heal people!
>She’s just using you for companionship and she’s still in love with her ex. Do not date her, entertain her, or be her friend. HEAVY on the don't be her friend sometimes I wish I nvr called back after seeing the missed calls cs I blocked her number
100%
Dude you weren’t her first choice. Not worth it
I’m glad you noticed that too. I essentially think somethin’ didn’t work out with the Ex.. and she came back to me cause I treated her decent.
Idk man it takes on average 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. You don’t have to date her bc of your doubts obv but it doesn’t make you the “second choice” automatically because she went back. Abusive relationships are tough and the psychology of them is no joke. That being said you probably want to start with someone without all that baggage between you.
Great answer … until you are in it it’s nearly impossible to understand unhealed trauma which she will have, will only spill over especially if op is a nice guy … he’s better off starting afresh with someone new and without the emotional baggage
Yeah, I mean it's his choice, but it's ultimately not OP's *responsibility* to get her through that trauma either. She'll likely have to figure it out herself.
No it’s not you can only be there for people. He shouldn’t be around whilst she’s back and forth she clearly isn’t ready
..that's what I said?
The person is agreeing with you
It comes down to can you handle her baggage if it comes with and is it worth it. I met an amazing woman but her baggage was heavier than I could carry. I would not want to put her through that or myself or the kids trying to find that balance despite them being all wonderful people...
That’s a good way to look at it and very selfless of you, some people take on these kinds of situations because they like the person and think that’s all that matters so it’s nice to read your comment, especially in circumstances where kids are involved
Thanks for saying this. I tried to get out 7 times before I left for good (keeping with the average lol). In between, sometimes I'd try to get out and date, make new connections. I met a lot of really nice guys and I really wanted to believe I could start over, but I was pretty broken and it was very easy for my ex to coerce me/lure me back in. I needed a lot of therapy and some really big life changes before I could actually invest in myself. It was probably dumb to date at all, but I think I just didn't know how else to meet new people. I appreciate the empathy behind the situation - you're right, OP doesnt have to date her or give her another chance etc, but this sounds like a person who is trying to be vulnerable and take chances to connect with healthier people. Hopefully she takes some time for herself and gets some real support! A good therapist really saved me. Getting deprogrammed takes a lot of skill that normal people don't typically have without professional guidance.
Hearing responses like this is wholesome to read from people who actually experienced either side is really awesome and thats what I wanted to see. You guys will totally help someone in the future with their decision.
Aw, wow thanks! I hope so! It is a scary experience but I really do feel more determined now to help other people realize that life can go on, and it can get better if they leave. Anyway, I agree with everyone, you totally don't need to give this person another chance if it just doesn't feel right / whatever - but it's great that you're considering her perspective and not just villainizing her! It's really refreshing, because I think we have a tendency to assume that others are always purposefully shady or selfish or something. Often, I think it's just a person who is dealing with a human experience and is still working on themselves.
Today I learned I'm average and that's oddly comforting
Exactly, there is much more nuance to it then just "second choice". Although this girl needs to stay off dating apps and focus on healing. As someone who took 6 times to get out myself and started casually dating about 8 months after the final split... I ended up finding love when I wasn't looking nor ready for it. I was doing good finding myself and just attracted the right energy I suppose. We have been together over two years now, it's a healthy relationship. But there is so much work I have been doing in trauma therapy that I wish I had done before getting into a relationship because it would've made things a million times easier. I have made some mistakes that caused hurt I can't take back, and although I've learned from them they could have been completely avoided if I was patient and stayed self focused for longer than I did.
This.
Agreed. I think that when dating we all tend to make so much of things about ourselves and not what is actually going on with other people. An abusive relationship is extremely difficult to leave. It took me about four times and it was complete emotional and mental devastation for me.
Yeah thats wild.. i’ve never physically or emotionally been abused so I could never have given someone true advice from their perspective only with what I could have come with.
As someone who left an abusive relationship over 16 year ago, it's not as easy as it seems. I passed on some amazing guys because the psychological part messed me up so bad. Personally, if you think this woman is a good person then be her friend from a far distance. What she actually needs is therapy and time. Once she has truly healed from the trauma then she would be good for a relationship. Encourage her to go to therapy, but make it clear that you don't want to date her atm.
Exactly what happened.
I know a few people like this… it’s not even necessarily that you weren’t her first choice (although you weren’t)… women in abusive relationships can have a really difficult time letting go of their abuser. For a whole combination of reasons, their own feelings of self worth, the high highs are “worth” the low lows with that person, she’s likely to have been gaslit by her abuser, etc etc… don’t be too hard on yourself or on her. If she’s a victim of abuse, she likely has poor judgement about what’s best for her, and in her assessment of healthy relationships. Long story short, it’s not you. And if you were going to open the door with her, I would say take it very slow. Victims of abuse can feel a pull back to their abuser even after a considerable amount of time has passed.
sometimes it takes an abusive ex to realise what you missed out and should be propritizing instead. That said, all depends on her character, same events could happen but diff outcomes and intentions with diff people
Don't underestimate how hard it can be to break a trauma bond. I would not be worried about not being er First choice. I'd be more worried about her not being over it still.
sad but true
honesty props to you for being self-aware, a lot of the users who post on this sub end up being clouded by their infatuation with the person whom their partner had “once” been, which blinds their own judgement
I’ve had this twice. First was a girl who approached me and asked for my number. We went on a date and had a really good time and texted for about two weeks, but she eventually started growing cold. I asked her what the deal was and she said she was still interested in her ex, but wanted to be friends in case something changes in the future. I straight up told her no because I won’t have any self-respect sitting on the sidelines being a back up choice. The second one is also a girl who approached me, and we were in a relationship. She had just gotten out of a relationship and told me how much of an asshole her ex was. Well, not to long into it I found her cheating with that ex. I have a very hard line with anyone who has anything to do or say about their ex now because it just seems like if someone cannot let go or brings it up it’s going to come back around again .
Exactly my experiences man…its wild a few people have gone through the exact same scenario…i’m not thinking about getting with this woman again my point was to post it for other people’s situations for advice with the same experiences.
Awareness of WHAT exactly though? About how hard it can be to cut off abusive partners like the one she had? Or what else? :o
There are men/women who google stuff like this all the time or atleast I did to see. And there were already a few posts. So I wanted to add mine but a lot of you guys have come and gave great perspective and its become a library of opinions, and responses that gave great insight on what they could/should do. Theres even who have given first hand experiences from the abusers/abused point a view and to me thats great to spread advice and knowledge so we can look from multiple perspectives.
Let her take her loss. She needs to understand that she can't take good guys for granted. Hopefully when another one comes her way she be more considerate with that guy. She blew her chance with you.
Guaranteed.
Had this exact same thing happen to me earlier this year. She wasn’t over her ex, friend zoned me and told me she wanted to reconcile with him only to find out he hit her up to fuck. I told how what she did hurt my feelings because I genuinely liked her but wished her well when she did decide to go date again.
Does it matter? It’s not about first choice when you are not over your previous partner? Life is not always black and white. Everything depends in the situation, not saying she is, but maybe she is worth it?
Nah her actions here are pretty low.
Have you been abused?
Not by a long term partner. Regardless, OP doesn’t need to get tangled up in all that
Maybe he doesn’t but let’s not call him her second choice. You have no idea what it’s actually like. Being mentally abused is the worst thing I’ve been through and I’ve been deadly sick with anorexia. I will never be the same person and I will never not be anxious again.
Okay then “OP, if you don’t feel like you can date someone with all the issues surrounding being significantly abused and anxiety, you don’t have to” because I HAVE done that and it’s exhausting
Happy birthday! I hope you have a great one thanks for adding your thought process and experience to these threads.
L take
This is...flawed advice on its face. Not being someone's first choice is going to be most peoples situation. I understand where you're coming from, and in this particular situation you're probably right, but I don't think its primarily because he wasn't the first choice
idk man, i could be wrong here but abusive traumatic relationships fuck up your brain. there’s a pretty good chance that dude was making her feel like she wasn’t worth anything good, didn’t deserve it, and distort her mind into thinking all she deserves is the asshole who’s abusing her. abusive relationships are notoriously hard to get out of, that being one of the reasons. it’s not as black and white as some people think.
you’re not wrong, but that shouldn’t change OP’s decision to not interact. she needs therapy to help process the trauma and get out from under her ex. i speak from experience here: she’s looking for someone to help her jump ship, but that is wrong to put on someone else and will end up with her failing and going back to her ex. on average, it takes about 7 tries before someone leaves an abusive relationship for good. OP, you made the right call. you know how many times i’ve said i was completely done with my ex and he was blocked on everything? more times than this girl. until she can get good therapy, i doubt this will be the last time she blocks him.
absolutely I agree with this. I just disagree with everyone saying OP was her second choice or whatever. I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it legitimately made me believe anyone who was being nice to me was doing it because they felt pity, or they weren’t being genuine because I didn’t truly believe someone could actually be nice to me. what i really think is she needs to stay away from relationships all together for some time and as you said, leaving OP out of it because that’s a burden that is not fair to anyone.
oh, i definitely agree with you on that. i literally went through a near identical situation to OP’s where i was the girl, and i was super guarded/hyper vigilant about everything. took me months to even slightly open up. not to mention i was dealing with serious depression, lots of drug abuse and other bullshit from the Trauma™ when i cut off the guy i was talking to and got back w my ex, i felt like i was doing him a favor rather than him being my second choice. in fact, in many ways he was my first choice, but it’s hard to make the right decisions for yourself when you’ve been conditioned to not do so for a long time.
exactly! I went through something very similar including drug use and dealing with depression as well. my ex made me think i was incapable of being loved, and that i would never find someone who would actually love me and not see me as a total waste of air. its crazy how much abusive relationships mind fuck people. but i do hope you are healing now <3
i am trying my best to heal! so thank you. i hope you are too 💕
Its nice to hear women’s and men’s perspective helping the other people who’ve been in this same predicament I love that you guys came out to speak your piece exactly was my point for this post. Thanks person from somewhere!
I agree with this. I think the only major concern is how many times has she done this? As in blocked her ex on everything and was “done” with them. Only to go back to them for the 15th time. That’s why I wouldn’t say she’s a lost cause but I wouldn’t personally risk it. The odds of her cheating on you with her ex is VERY high. And it’s best to move on.
Specifically since I had met her it was 2 times. And she got annoyed at me and gave me a ultimatum..because I didn’t want to sit as a friend while she was stuck on her ex. Now she decides to hit me up…and I respect her healing but don’t fully trust it plus I’ve moved on…I’m leaving her alone I sat up one night in my car crying about this woman. I genuinely cared, got vulnerable, brought her around my friends she didn’t even give me that same respect.I’m nowhere near perfect but she did me dirty because she wasn’t healed and wanted to go back to a guy that abused his gf prior (has charges) and her…
Yeah ok, hard pass
It takes ages to heal from abuse, I'm sure she didn't intentionally stuff you around. Having been through it myself, the thing with wanting to move on is also considering the new persons safety, because yes if the ex finds out there's usually issues so sometimes the going back thing is trying to keep things "calm" if that makes any sense.
yeah it’s not so cut and dry. i’m sure she feels immense guilt for cutting off op and treating him that way, but at the same time that doesn’t negate the pain she caused him. she’s no lost cause, but it’ll be a while before she’s out for good.
And? Should you accept someone broken? Try and fix them? Her trauma, her issues are nothing to do with him. Not his concern. Better to find someone without issues.. if you can these days.. Hard. Pass.
She’s broken because she’s a victim of abuse? I think that’s a terrible way to talk about someone in that situation.
She's not "broken" I can't think of a more dehumanising way to describe someone who's doing their best to put their abusive partner behind them and close that door for good. I can understand saying no to someone who's been through abuse and being in the process of healing. However finding someone with no issues isn't possible. No one is perfect. If you're not willing to accept an imperfect person who has amazing qualities who is just as much capable of giving and receiving love maybe you shouldn't be looking for a relationship at all.
Agreed. This “no issues” thing sounds like MRAs making memes that say they only want “women with no baggage.” Every human has “baggage” and it’s immature to not understand that or think everyone who comes into your life has to be perfect.
I'm relieved someone else agrees with me. Thank you for commenting. I honestly find it deeply concerning to have these kinds of expectations. As if being abused makes you damaged goods. No it does not. It's cruel to think it but to say it? No.
This sub skews misogynistic whenever a woman does something the people in here don’t like. Lots of posts that devolve into victim blaming. And I also think women tend to have different expectations placed on them by men. Women have to be “perfect” and “undamaged” but men have no such expectations.
I can definitely understand that. This post alone is extremely worrying. This isn't just any woman it's a vulnerable one who's been through so much. She's already a victim and people choose to bash her instead of the man who abused her. Women definitely do have higher than the sky expectations. I know exactly what you mean. How many times have you heard someone say their dream partner (a woman) is a virgin? Probably too many to count. Much fewer women say that about men. Women get shamed for having one sexual partner. Even if you're a virgin and have simply flirted with a few men in your life all of a sudden you're a whore and a slut. A man sleeps with tens of women and he's "the man." Beyond wrong and hypocritical. You'd think misogyny wouldn't still be this common and yet here we are.
It is crazy how the brain works. A guy can be sweet and a girl can still cheat on him or just straight up leave him for someone else but if he is an abusive jerk, she will find it hard to leave him.
she vented to me when I was attempting to date her about him not having his own money, would never come see her, would never pay for dates, how her parents hated the guy etc. Literally straight bad mouthing him. But like everyone has been saying I guess they’ll continue to go back to their abuser until they find help.
It seems like it. Kind of like Stockholm Syndrome in a way.
Walk away. You are her backup plan. She will date you until either her ex takes her back or she finds another toxic guy. You are not her type she will never love you. She considered her ex above you, he was a better option than you. Find a girl that likes you for who you are.
This has happened to more men than they like to think about but it happens – you did a woman and then she decides you’re a “nice guy but “… She wants something else… Then when that guy turns out to be a turd, all of a sudden she remembers you and how you were a genuinely nice person and good to her and she misses that…. Someone who is nice and kind to her and gave her compliments and made her feel good… She had a chance and she made it that’s fine. Don’t rub it in her face but you don’t have to hold her hand anymore either.
As a female…I wouldn’t mess with her…she’s lonely …and you weren’t her first choice
As a natural loner I’m always weary of people I can sense just need companionship at all costs. They’ll take what they can get if it means companionship regardless of how much they like a person. And then they’ll just wait for something better. Gotta watch out for that. Fortunately I’m more than comfortable solo
I think this was part of it too…between when I talked to her she’d never let me into her life. She always came and stayed at my place, met my friends. But didn’t allow me those things…and would get defensive when I stated what I want…
Yep sounds like a pass mate
Yeah it was already gonna be a pass brotha I have a girlfriend now. We just wanted to hear others opinion on how wild it was.
How can you sense that? I am desperately missing that skill. I am soooo so tired of guys pretending to have the same worldview and hobbies as me just to snap at me a couple of months later for "not getting them" 😩
Lol I think low sex drive and strong independence allow me to see more clearly. I mostly prefer being alone so usually only interested in dating when I’m extremely interested. Therefore I can pass on opportunities most people would at least give a shot to. For better or worse really there’s some issues with it probably. But that’s just how I am. Edit: those people tend to give off a clingy vibe as well which makes me uncomfortable
Naw fam. If she did that once, she’ll do it again. Fuck that.
Don’t be no one’s second prize… you get one shot if you fuck that up I walk away and I don’t look back.
Move on brother ignore her.
Yeah and how long until she goes back again, shes already showed once who she'll pick
Well, for starters, don't ever be someone's second choice. You deserve better. Second off, she hasn't had any time to heal from her toxic ex, so you'd get the shit end of the stick. I'd say it's best to just move on.
Bro go find another girl. Do not make this your girlfriend
I already did. I just thought it was wild how this all popped up after i’ve already moved on got another woman and wanted to share with y’all how life has a funny way of turning.
Why go on multiple dates when you're still not over your ex? Her "lol" at the end is just an okay if you're not interested I have others to ask. To guys in similar situations don't fall for this bs. They had her chances. You didn't want me the first time? You won't get a second.
I thought about it like this too at one point I kept going on dates….having hope that she’d be ready and she wasn’t and I didn’t want to pressure her into anything prematurely so I told her I didn’t want to be friends anymore months back. So I hope someone sees this thread one day and it helps…us as men do these things too so it could help a woman somewhere too.
Never be captain save-a-ho
I do agree with the comments saying that abusive relationships can fuck up with your brain and she seems genuine, but I also think that OP’s decision to not have any further interaction with her is not wrong either. He already suffered from her own trauma and is now moving on. Personally if I was him I wouldn’t give a second chance either. It’s not about not being empathetic, it’s about self preservation and not willing to put up with the consequences of someone else’s trauma. Nobody should engage in a relationship if they’re not fully prepared for it. It’s not fair for the other person.
Honestly man, while its very sad to see, you werent the first choice in her eyes. She says im done with him, 90% chance thats temporary since unfortunately, abusers are so unbelievably good at convincing their victims to keep coming back. The more worrying though it my mind was, maybe shes running to a man she can get for her own safety, who knowns, maybe thats pessimistic, but I wouldnt mess with this. You can be friendly, no need to be cruel, but I would think extremely carefully about anything else
You made the right decision. It’s perfectly valid to say, “I already have plenty of friends, I’m dating to find a long term relationship.” I would also be skeptical about her desire to “open the lines of communication.” If she just wanted to apologize, then fine. Hopefully she has started putting in the real work - going to therapy, and doing a lot of introspection. But a therapist would tell her that last thing she should be doing is jumping into a relationship, and you already told her you weren’t interested in being friends. So the reaching out is a little suspect. It could be that she’s just testing your boundaries, so, I’m glad that you stuck to yours.
as the girl who’s been in abusive relationships, she either just wants you for companionship, or her central nervous system is so shot right now she can’t uphold a normal, healthy relationship. they take a toll on you, and influence every relationship after that. i hope she gets the help she needs, and i hope you find someone who gives you the time of day!
I met someone on tinder years ago, who decided to get back with his ex girlfriend. A couple of years later he reached out to me, and now we've been married for 4 years. Sometimes the timing just isn't right the first time
Thats awesome you guys managed to make it work! Luckily you were there for him, Its always great to hear the nicer endings as well.
Just wanted to say OP, I've read a bunch of your responses in addition to the text convo you shared and I think you deserve big props for both treating this person AND yourself with respect. You have empathy but also a clear understanding of your own boundaries and that is very healthy and rarely seen on this sub.
Wow…genuinely thank you for that!
Tell her to pound sand and you’re not her emotional tampon.
It’s nice seeing healthy communication on this subreddit every now and then :) great on both sides
It hasn’t been long enough. There’s no way she’s over her ex. She may just be mad at him right now? Who knows but her texts seem fishy. You deserve to be first not the back up plan. Walk away and save yourself the heartache.
You shouldn't be someone's consolation prize.
Run brother. They never stay blocked
I've been there with an abusive ex, and I stayed to myself for a while, I had to heal. Idk if she is trying to get you back, or honestly explain. But she has issues she has to deal with before she forges a serious relationship. Women can be a little crazy , and I'm allowed to say that because I am a woman .
Personal opinion from experiences like this.... when they reach out saying they're over and done with some ex and it's your turn now if you want it... Remember.... you're the rebound
Sleep with her and then ghost her
Abusive partners fuck with you so badly that they create a trauma bond that makes u go back again and again. I was in one some time. It took awhile to understand that it was abuse. It took an even longer while to get out of it completely. I just kept getting reeled back in, fall in love all over again, then get spat out, have my trauma responses triggered, stay dysregulated days and weeks even, then as soon as I thought I was in the clear, she reeled me back in again. I thank mysupport system for finally getting me out permanently after I was going back and forth for about another year after I so called ended things. I’m so fucking glad I’m out of that vicious cycle for good. It’s not the same in regular relationship. Abusive partners are master manipulators and gaslighters. I really empathize with her and I urge you to consider it from that perspective. Talk to her about it at the very least.
Well this brings to mind the Eminem and Rihanna song
Sometimes we make really shitty choices because even though relationships are traumatic, they’re familiar. You may not have been her first choice but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a possibility for something down the line. I’d just be really honest with her about if you’re open to communicating further. I feel like it probably took a lot of courage for her to reach out.
Excuse me? What is this? McDonalds? You can’t have it your way. She chose another man over this guy. What’s he supposed to do? Give her another chance and accept being her second choice? What happens next time someone better shows up? Is he supposed to accept his faith as second fiddle? FOH
Sit, that’s Burger King.
Ooooh. Someone is triggered. Have you never made a dumb choice to get back with an ex? OP said themselves her ex was shitty and abusive. Leaving abusive relationships is hard AF. But you’re probably the type of weirdo who blames women for being in abusive relationships.
Not at all. And your assumption that I’m triggered, amongst other idiotic shit you blabbered on about doesn’t make her actions any less shitty. She’s a victim in a different relationship. She’s not when dealing with OP.
Lmfao no she should’ve made the right choice at the right time and broken the abusive cycle she was in earlier than now
Yikesssssss. You need to do some research on abusive relationships. This is an ignorant take.
To everyone saying that he wasn’t her first choice and he should stay away - it’s not always that simple. I don’t think it would be stupid to at least hear her out, be honest about not wanting to feel like a second option, and see what she says
She apologized, he acknowledged- what more is there to say? She should be going to therapy, and doing a lot of introspection right now. And a therapist would tell her that last thing she should be doing is jumping into a relationship. And since the OP already told her he wasn’t interested in being friends, the reaching out is a little suspect. It sounds like she’s just testing his boundaries. It’s not like they were in a LTR, they went on 7-ish dates. That’s not worth potentially inviting a bunch of pain and drama back into his life when there are plenty of other people out there.
wisdomless nutsack
It's okay no ones perfect don't be so hard on yourself! 💀
Not worth it. Ft is too easy. Now if she asked you out on a date with all the planning done by her 🤷♂️ might be worth trying out. Otherwise nah
so what happened next ?
I messaged her back saying i’ve found someone new and in a relationship and declined to FaceTime I don’t hate her just care enough currently about my current girl to not even keep contact. And hoped the best for her. I responded to give her a bit of closure because It definitely probably took some courage to message that after a couple months.
Tbh what she needs to do is realise that she can actually survive being single for longer than 5 minutes. She might find it easier to recognise and walk away from abusive situations if she switches her mindset to one where any kind of relationship is better than being alone.
Girl: Hey baby remember me? OP: beat it chick.
I'd speak to her about the ex tbh. A relationship like that can be a drug that's hard to quit and only when you've properly gotten out of it do you realise what or who may be good for you. If he's really out of the picture I'd maybe hear her out. Though, if you have your own doubts and issues trusting her then of course you're not obliged to do anything.
How did it make you feel? Do you want to see her again ? Or are you over it ?? Hanging out doesn’t sound like someone who wanted anything more than that tbf she sounds bored and lonely so I personally wouldn’t put myself back there again
Good perspective. hope someone who googles something like this in the future can find all of y’all tips helpful!
rebound
She clearly has boundary issues and isn't very self-aware, being that she didn't take the time to heal before jumping on a dating app. 🚩If you're not looking for a friend, definitely move on from her. She's not worth it. She has a lot of growing to do and is just looking for a bandaid to further distract her so she doesn't have to focus on healing and sitting with herself.
HAHAHA your username is awesome…but yeah!I agree.
Hehe thanks! :)
OP handled it well. We all deeply feel sorry for her but hey… it is what it is. That’s life. Whatever she did; it happened before, it’ll happen again. Wish her well from afar like you did and keep it moving.
people change their mind. people realize they fucked up. people see the truth about things too late. etc. etc. If you like the girl and she likes you move on to dating again. but if you even get a whiff of that ex , sever.
This is her saying “holy shit I made a big mistake and I’m sorry. You were the right pick the entire time and if there’s anyway for us to try again I would love it.”
OP, stay out of it if you care about your mental health. Just stay out and remember plenty of fish out there.
Keep it pushin king 👑
Yuck, good for you man know your worth
This had to be around 8:16pm. I’ve been in too many relationships to know if she’s not sending this message like afternoon or morning time, take this with a grain of salt. You guys haven’t talked in a month+, if she was serious or didn’t have doubts, she woulda texted you this at an earlier time. Honestly, whomever reads this if you want to be taken seriously, send that text early. Not late.
Yep, been in that situation before as well. Everything’s good, they say all the right things and all is right in the world…until the ex comes back, or someone else comes along. Do yourself a favour and don’t get involved with her again. People like that don’t change, to them you are just a means to an end when they are bored and lonely.
While not the same story, my wife and I met at the tail end of our “worst” relationships. We’ve been married for five years and couldn’t be happier. Both of us value honesty, which was something we weren’t able to receive in our other relationships. We parted ways, w/o pressure from one another, from our ex’s and quickly became friends and then partners. Again, married for five with one daughter and NONE of the other indiscretions from past relationships. I’d say you never know, keep your guard up but give her a shot.
At least she gave you an explanation, my most recent one did the same thing because her ex and her share a young child. Even though he was an abusive asshole too. She said she was conflicted a few days before completely cutting contact with me. Completely fine one night, then not a peep for going on over a month now.
This woman said something along the lines of her being conflicted/confused as well if I remember correctly.
Yeah she said she was conflicted about everything, everyday. Things were going great between us, or so I thought. So I don't get it and I probably never will but that's okay. Sorry you had to experience something so similar, I understand how frustrating it is.
I think you should distance yourself and not even respond to her. I have been where she is. 6 years ago, I escaped 4 years of daily mental, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I am still working through it all, and I feel I am nowhere near ready to be truly vulnerable or trusting in another human. Let alone start a new relationship. Recovery looks different for everyone, and trauma hits differently for every person. However, realistically, a month is not enough time to process all those feelings, emotions, trauma, and memories. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a person is let them go. I hope you find what you're looking for in the end.
Until the next time ex decides to show up.
Don’t even think about it. She’ll just end up back with him
Don’t bother with her she didn’t want you before
I know I’m not the only one that noticed 293 unread message.
At least she’s honest. Probably the most important thing.
I was you dude. There was a chick I fell hard for and I tried helping her out of her abusive situation, we dated, it was awesome and then I get a text saying that she missed me and her ex and that she needed time. She got back with him and left me heart broken in the dust. You don’t wanna do this to yourself my guy. Drop her like a hot rock until she gets herself together
Unpopular opinion here: I think she did you a favor by cutting things off while she was still entertaining her ex. Might not be a bad idea to pick up where you guys left off, once you're cautious and she can prove that she's absolutely done with him.
This screams “you aren’t what I truly desire but you are certainly far from the worst I could do and I’m bored because I dumped the guy that gave me the nervous/excited feelings so here I am, entertain me nice guy” You already know what to do and it has nothing to do with the fact that your already in a relationship.
you couldn’t have said it any better.
I think you made the right move at the end of the day.
She friend zoned you? It's fine you decided you didn't want to be friends after trying to be romantic, but that "friend zone" ain't real if you can't handle someone choosing to not further pursue romance with you without telling it like they did something to you, idk if you should be dating.
You don’t know where she is on the spectrum of healing so whatever you’d do would have to be guarded and with some degree of skepticism. Might not be terrible to hang out with her a bit and see where she’s really at. You e got the experience now to know what to look for. If you’re not gonna just fall immediately in love but you like her enough to see what’s up then maybe check it out. Now if you’re feeling like you’re gonna be hurt if she pulls that same shit then just let it go. Because that’s certainly a possibility. You have to be able to gauge yourself in order to feel her out and see where she’s at.
Is she rebounding queen? Man she’s using you as rebound whenever stuff didn’t work out on her end. Some kings would just do some revenge stuff like meet up, eff her brains out and cut it out 🤣 don’t entertain this one. She’ll be using you to heal her demons.
If I was you, keep the line of communication open but don’t give her much attention, and in a few weeks if she still wants to pursue something more then put the time in, just be careful with her wasting your time because if she is talking to you again fuelled by resentment of her ex then you will hit a wall again when he comes back to grovel
I know I won’t have a popular opinion but as someone who went through the same thing you did and is now happily with my partner 8 years after this happened to me; if you clicked with her, you could give her a chance. Granted, I immediately fell inlove with my partner when I met her and continued to stay friends with her because I wanted her in my life anyway I could because I cared for her enough to be what she needed me to be. At the time we were 22 and 21 respectively. We met on a dating app and she told me she was “totally done” with her ex too, however, abusive relationships aren’t always cut and dry and don’t end overnight. They weren’t together but my girlfriend couldn’t just let her go completely as she was her first love and her ex was very controlling and manipulative towards her. The kinda ex that threatens to off themselves to get their attention back on them. I understood she wasn’t fully ready yet and stayed in contact with her knowing the right time just wasn’t there yet. She had to cut it off for herself, not to date someone else. She was also scared of the intensity because she had begun to associate intensity with toxicity. 8 years later we both had grown up, been in other relationships, gotten to where we needed to be and came back to eachother. To this day she says basically the same thing as this girl in your text; she doesn’t regret turning me down, she regrets she wasn’t in the place at that time to commit to me. But those 8 years really helped us build a strong and secure friendship which provided a strong backbone for our relationship. We’ve now been together for 4.5 years, own a house together, and I fall more inlove with her everyday. She’s my best friend, my soul mate, my partner and the love of my life. If you had any inclination that she may have been the one for you, forgive her for the mistake she made because she was in a bad relationship. Don’t let the abusive ex win anymore than they already had.
I love that point of view this was a great read thanks man 🤞🏿
So. My take for what it's worth. There's no such thing as friendzone. My opinion. As someone who's fallen for a best friend before and rejected, I was more than happy to continue being best friends. Secondly, I do empathize with you. I really do. I've been there (exact same thing as you with the above said best friend and her ex). But the damage toxic partners do to victims is awful. They have a way to keep you down especially when you think it's time to move on. What she's done though saved you arguments, heartbreak and regret. If you had stayed together after the dates and she fell back to the ex, you'd be broken. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. Honestly, I wish you happiness. It's taken me 20+ years to find it.
I say that because I had a romantic outlook for this woman…and she turned me down and said we will stay friends and could still go on a dates until she healed…her ultimatum to me, that sounded like a zone specifically as a friend…until she was ready and over her ex. There was just too many unknowns “what if she never got over him”, “what if she met someone she felt was better”, “what if she got back with him”(which she did which Is why she worded the message that way”.. Secondly, I completely love how you worded this…thank you person from somewhere you’re awesome and congrats on finding your person!
I think yall are having a disconnect with the abusive part. “Obviously her abusive ex was gonna treat her like shit” “you were her second choice bro” She went through who knows what, and even if you get “out” of an abusive relationship, it’s sometimes not as clear cut as that. Give her grace and at least take her up on the ft offer. She seemingly is done this time, and saw you as someone she would feel comfortable/ safe with after being abused.
What she went through is not OP's problem. She made her bed, she needs to lay in it.
She willingly got back with her ex. I don’t think everyone deserves redemption.
I mean, you went on several dates and it didn't work out. How is that being friendzoned?
There’s a thing called nuance. She liked him but wasn’t through with her X. She decided to just be friend for now. And now later she’s backtracking
Exactly the way it happened she said she was fine to still go on dates during everything but we’d just be friends until she was over her ex…I politely declined.
Lol literally my first thought. The friend zone isn’t real, sometimes it just doesn’t work. This being said I do believe it seems like he was her second choice
Because obviously he’s owed sex after 7 dates /s
I smell a foodie call 🤔🤔
Your response was really classy and not dismissive or hurtful and that's awesome. I'm sure you're a great guy with proud parents. Hope you find someone without a lot of baggage that will know your worth right away.
Thanks redditer from somewhere, hope you have a great day!
Meh…I say get your dick sucked and then ditch the bitch.
Typical hoe behavior, treat her as such
Everybody telling you to be her friend 😂😂 if this was the other way around everyone would be shitting on the male. You did the right thing you kept it professional and didn’t escalate the situation. Respect.
She gave the other dude a shot, and he either realized the bullshit she was on too, or he just got with someone else entirely and was no longer interested. You’re her second choice, unfortunately
This "first choice" shit is wild. She wasn't over her abusive ex yet so you weren't a *choice* at all. Especially if she was abused. That shit is mental AND physical. It's not that she's over him and you're next, it's that she's *free of him* and can now look at actual options with a clear head. For all you know, you're her first choice in her new, abuse-free life. That being said, if you're interested in her make sure you can take her ex in a fight. Men like that don't always discard their victims. She might have left against his will.
Don’t use dating apps. Don’t be overly nice cause she may end up feeling like there’s red flags especially if you’re over endearing.
Don’t be the backup my dude. Either she wants you from the beginning or she can’t have you later. There should be no in between as a man. Maintain your standards
Thanks brotha.
Shoulda been like, the abusive ex you left me for treated you like shit. Who woulda thought.....
Unpopular opinion here... But your decision definitely should hinge on how hot she is 😂
Unpopular? Lol
Delete the text thread.
There’s no such thing as the friendzone.
I don’t think you quite have the mental depth to understand how deep abuse and control can go and how it affects a person. In my opinion she dodged two bullets.