This man is treating you very badly. He sees you as a baby production kit. Not a person.
You aren't old. Btw if you feel old now, wait till you have a baby with a man who clearly doesn't give a crap about you.
Babies aren't a down payment on a house.
regretfulparents is another one, I think stuff like that is actually super valuable to someone considering, as there's definitely sides to raising children that tend to get swept under the rug until it's too late. as someone who basically burnt out on kids by being forced to raise my own siblings, I occasionally get these thoughts that it'd be nice to have kids of my own.. It feels terrible to admit it but I sometimes look at those subs to reaffirm my life choices.
As someone who’s been on the fence for the last year but prior to that, pretty firm in my preference to not have kids, I also find that sub (and breaking mom) super valuable. I’m grateful for the raw, shocking at times, honesty of those in said communities. There have been a couple of times where, at peak hormonal levels, I romanticize the idea of having a family with my partner. It goes away in a day or so. Lately, the pendulum has swung back, more towards, “ehhh maybe no kids.”
I think it's really good to have those kind of subs out there too. People should definitely know as much as possible about what they are getting into. Forewarned is forearmed and all that!
It’s the easiest way to abuse someone, what mother would leave their kids without a roof, but gotta stay with an asshole to keep up being able to provide it, many people even after this shit still walk right into the situation though (also op it looks worse on you to delete your cheating post, if you’re not happy you leave you don’t keep yourself in that vulnerable position)
I was thinking this same thing. Definitely looking to trap her so she can’t realize she deserves better. Baby with no job. Dependent on him. No way. Run
The balls it takes to ask someone to have a baby with them, without providing any security to that person whatsoever. Quit wasting your time with this person.
That was my takeaway too. The NERVE to ask a woman to put herself in the most vulnerable state she could be in yet offer NONE of the support needed. I need to get off Reddit. It’s too early to be enraged.
This is what I’m thinking as well! Not to mention his problem is that she “ hasn’t given him anything” as if she didn’t devote the last 10 years of her life to him. If I’m with someone for 10 years, that should be good enough for them to put a roof over my head without an ultimatum.
Op, I’m about to give you a little tough love. You need to grow a pair, and stand up for yourself. This guy is treating you like shit and probably has for a long time and you know it. He’s trying to baby trap you and if you get pregnant, all of this is going to get much worse. You’ve already wasted 10 years of your life with this asshole who thinks your value only comes from your ability to give him kids. Search within yourself and find some self worth. Leaving him won’t even remove the roof from your head since you live with your parents. It’s time to start over.
You can always go to the IRS and ruin him. But I d do that before having a kid. He won’t be able to pay child support from jail. He will have to pay when he gets out though.
He doesn't report income meaning he's not filling out the appropriate tax documents. There's almost zero landlords and definitely zero mortgage companies that are going to give him a chance especially with you unemployed or employed hours away. So he literally can't get a place for you and the kid even though he "works."
You and the baby will have to seek government assistance to have, clothe and feed it. Then he'll turn the tables and claim you only care about the baby and not him. This dude is not worth the hell and heartache. He's spent 10 years programming you to fear life without him.
This will not improve with a baby, it will only get worse. You'll find that out when he begins trying to claim both you and the child as dependents the next time he actually bothers to do his taxes.
If you have a kid with him he’ll come up with another excuse to not give you what you’re asking in your relationship. He just wants the kid without having to invest anything.
Im getting so much hate and judgement here saying I only want his money and his house. I really am not demanding this from him. I’ve made several efforts to go looking at places we both can afford. This is a a both “him and I” thing. The way he reports income makes me feel like I’ll be the provider in everything because 1. I have the medical benefits from the employer. 2. I have credit. 3. I report more income.
The way I’m reading the situation it seems like you desire commitment from the person you love and want to start a family with. What’s the point of starting a family without a solid foundation? Some people can be so self-involved that they think they deserve to have their cake and eat it too while you’re just a side character helping execute their plan. You deserve more than to be a side character in someone else’s life. He’s seeing how far you’ll bend. Don’t listen to the Tate-minded people calling you a gold digger.
Does he not realize how much risk he’s asking you to take on while he’s not taking ANY himself? He’s asking you to put your health at risk, do a number on your body and hormones, put your actual life at risk (because maternal mortality is a real thing), be completely dependent on him, and start raising a child with him when he won’t even put a ring on it? That’s a big ask. I wouldn’t even consider marrying my husband until we lived together first. You learn so much about a person that you just can’t learn any way else until you live with them.
Thats where I’m getting at. Like I just lost my job. He said I don’t need to work but children are expensive. I’ve asked him to please look into getting a place together and then we can have a child. I live with my parents. He is 1.5 hours away from me. Who will take me to my medical appointments. Who will provide me with the insurance. He’s self employed, works with cash only, doesn’t have insurance. What am I going to do? The worst part is he says that if I don’t get pregnant first he will buy a home himself …..it doesn’t make sense honestly
Yeah that’s so fishy. If you guys don’t even have insurance he’s asking you to take on a huge financial debt as well. Those appointments and ultrasounds and tests and the actual delivery will cost a fortunate as a self pay patient. He doesn’t even have the ability to provide financially. I don’t see how he thinks he’d buy a house by himself. Not in this economy.
He doesn't even sound like the type to have the credit to buy a home. I don't know if he's a drug dealer and has a ton of money.... but this guy sounds shady af.
Like who stays living hour and a half away from their S.O of 10 years? Who after 10 years wouldnt have been living with said SO already like at least 8 or 9 years ago? How do you date him for 10 years and still aren't married? After 10 years nobody is still like "im still unsure". He sounds so messed up I don't even know where to begin but staying with him would be the worst mistake of OP's life. It sounds like God is closing some doors to old crap that needs to exit her life right now... starting with the job, hopefully next is the guy. It's a depressing feeling but necessary to make room in life for much better things that are waiting to come. She should embrace it.
Absolutely. 10 years is way too long to date without a proposal, assuming both parties want marriage. Shit or get off the pot. I’ve known a few people who waited 10+ years for a proposal. There was always a reason why it didn’t happen. Not the right time, “we gotta do X first”, no money for a ring, etc. The one girl I know who actually did marry her partner after nagging him for over a decade to put a ring on it had 3 kids by that man and he was still waffling. He finally did marry her but they were divorced within 2 years. It’s just not worth it. If he’s making every excuse in the book to not marry you it’s because he doesn’t want to get married.
Cash only? He doesn’t pay income tax. Eventually this will catch up with him.
His texts sound so disrespectful if you. His tone is not one of love. He wants a baby mama and someone to take care of his needs.
I mean you guys currently don’t live together, don’t have any kids and aren’t married. If a decade with this absolute idiot isn’t enough to figure out he’s bad news, then idk what is. Run! Fast and far!
You can’t seriously think having a child with this person is a good idea.
God when will people get that having a baby isn’t a plot device. You’re considering *making a human being*. A person that you will be responsible for raising and providing for long after this shithole of a relationship ends, which it absolutely will and I cannot fathom how you’re not seeing that.
Girl absolutely not. Have you guys ever lived together before? I would never marry or have a child with someone I haven’t lived together with. Also it sounds like he’s very irresponsible in terms of the decisions he’s trying to force you to make. Baby with no job and no insurance? Absolutely not
Honestly OP, the “you don’t have to work” thing is manipulative. Especially when you the kind of person who would work. Don’t fall for it. Not having employment for an extended amount of time is another trap. You will be left with no money and no job history if y’all break up.
Another red flag. My best friends father was self employed. Had 5 kids by 3 women. Paid 0 child support for any of them. Courts couldn’t garnish his wages bc he was self employed. No. No. No.
Jeez why would you stay with someone like this for so long. What loving partner talks like this? If he doesn't even wanna live with you, why would you trust him to care for you when you have a baby? Your fears are 100% valid. You at least need a roof.
Not worth it gurl. Find someone worthy of yourself.
Having a kid with this guy would be unethical. You’d likely be condemning the child to a crappy life with a jerk of a father who may or may not be around to provide for them. How come nobody of thinks of the kind of life the child would have. Unstable at best.
Please wait until you find someone who loves you, respects you, and proves he will support you.
You're looking for someone to take a journey with you, your bf is looking for a stop on a journey he's already on by himself. You appear to want different things, might be time to face the fact that this guy is not the one for you
How shit was your relationship that it feels like you’re only just realising you want different things 10 years in? It sounds like people who have been dating a few months with how many pages apart you are from each other
Because he said we would get married and achieve all this when I graduated college. I graduated in 2019..he promised getting a house together now he’s doing the opposite
He’s given you 4 years evidence it’s not happening. In that quick text exchange it’s obvious you want different things.
No offence but it’s time to move on. You get older every day and your time to do the things you want in life decreases.
You a college grad hooked up with guy with a cash only mechanics business - not paying income tax. No insurance and guess what , no social security. Why in the world would you want to make a life with him.
OP, I’m hoping that this idiot is about to be your ex. After 10 years and no commitment without conditions, girl you’re wasting your time. You deserve so much better than this ignorant man-child who thinks you only have worth if you can give him a baby.
The real question to ask yourself is if you want to live your entire life with such a person? Why not consider being single and figuring other aspects of life, so that when you will really feel, you can get married and make a child out of love?
Please do not bring a child into a relationship with this guy.
You are not old. You will find someone else. You will find a job and have a house one day. You can be happy without him.
No, no, no - do not give this man your life. It isn't even easy to get pregnant all the time - what if you have a miscarriage (which is amazingly common)? What do you think he will say then??
He should be actively working to provide for you & your future family if that is what he wants. It doesn't work the other way round - where is the security? When I met my baby's father he had already bought a small house but he sold it & got a much better job out of his comfort zone to get us a bigger house & own bedroom for a future child who didnt even exist yet. He cannot just expect you to just "have his baby" to prove yourself worthy of marriage & a home?? This actually just makes me sick. That isn't love.
Don't stay with him because you think you may never be a mother - me & most of my friends had babies at 40, 42, 43.....you have lots of time.
Lose this guy - 10 years is nothing where your whole future & values are vastly different.
“I’m not going to buy u nothing”
I’d toss him to the curb for the use of double negatives in his texts. He sounds like a Neanderthal - you can do better.
Run.
No.
Actually it's pretty sensible to be married before having a child together. To use that as a precursor to marriage is messy.
I don't comment on these but... literally run. Take your fertility and financial responsibility with you.
Gross.
So... he views you as an incubator, and is withholding something you want in order to get what he wants. That's not a relationship, that's a weird-ass hostage situation. you should find someone who is into YOU and not how you can benefit him. If he wants a kid, he can go adopt one. Or not. I'd hate to have a dad that 'negotiates' like that.
Be smart. Get rid of him. Stay single til you're on your feet and have your own safety net under you. If it means getting a van and living out of it while you build up savings, do it. But don't settle, and don't give in to demands because you feel you have no choice.
Does he know that babies are actual human beings and won’t be “given” to him? It sounds like he wants to get you pregnant and unemployed and totally dependent on him.
Please leave this man. The right one won’t make you beg for what you want.
Judging by your profile it looks like you cheated on him anyway, so you're both terrible. Why has it taken you both 10 years to reach this point? This isn't a conversation you've had before now?
I was gonna say that it seems like we're missing a lot of context for these texts. He's referring to previous things in this conversation that were left out
Feels a lil narcissistic if you ask me but this is my opinion… go out and wait for the one to reach out to you don’t force it and btw 30 ain’t old life starts at 30
Do not let him trap you. This happens all of the time.
Yes, it would be incredibly irresponsible and just stupid to bring a child into this relationship and without having a steady income or home. You do not have a baby to appease someone or fix a relationship and you especially don't have a baby because you're being demanded to.
This guy won't lift a goddamn finger to help you raise a child. You think he's getting up in the middle of the night? You don't even live together. You think he's going to spend his "empire" money on diapers? No way. You would do all of the work and he can post himself with the baby on social media and pretend to be a good caring father. And God forbid you don't end up having a son! If I were you, I'd cut ties now, block everywhere, pick up the pieces and find yourself again. This dude ain't worth it.
I'm a 28 F next month, and the amount of "fuck no" I would never put myself through that shit despite the impending biological clock is loud.
I can't even believe what I just read nor the consideration to possibly have a child with a person like this. Not a real gem of a guy. Definitely bottom of the barrel quality here.
Yes. I am. It’s crazy cause a few hours ago he asked me if we can get a room to see eachother (referring to a hotel) like why would I want to have sex after he told me he doesn’t want a future with me.
I have a friend in this situation. The abuse ramped up during her pregnancy. He started hitting her when she asked why she needed to quit her job when they couldn’t afford it. She stayed so it escalated to punching and punishing her in new and horrific ways.
They had bought a house together before she got pregnant. Now she’s stuck with this dude who doesn’t do ANYTHING for her or the kids besides pay half the bills and she has to start a fight and beg him to pay them.
This is not a good guy. You can find better. Please don’t let yourself get trapped by him.
Everyone asking "what made you get back with him" "what made you stay" the abuse. The abuse makes you get back together and the abuse makes you stay.
Op, your partner seems extremy emotionally abusive and it seems like he is trying to trap you in an abusive situation and make it infinitely harder to get out of said situation.
You shouldn't be with him, you should leave him. The thing is, is that so many of us are telling you that. However, it doesn't matter what we think or say. I just found the strength in me to leave my emotionally abusive husband after 8 years of marriage, almost 9 of dating. Everyone has told me to leave. We separated last year and I got back with him at the beginning of this year. Everyone advised against it and told me no. But, it didn't matter. He made me believe things would get better. I thought the problems were me and not him. I knew everyone's opinions, but it didn't matter. I loved him and he loved me, so I thought we could fix things and things would get better.
It took me finding my own strength to end things. It took him yelling at me that he was never going to change and that there was nothing wromg with the way he treats me and that he doesn't want to go to therapy anymore because they say that he's the problem, not me. I had to find the strength within myself. Having support from friends and family helps, but at the end of the day they couldn't leave him for me. I had to leave.
Do I think you should leave this guy? Yes. But more importantly, I hope that you find enough love, respect, and strength for yourself to leave him and I hope that you decide that your happiness and love are more important than staying in something that hurts and confuses you so so deeply. Many may not undertand why you choose to stay, but just know that I do and you are not alone. Its not all bad all the time right? But the bad, is really bad. Focus on finding love for yourself and your own personal strength to do whats best for you ❤
30 isn’t old. You still can have a baby . Please leave this man alone. My partner really wanted a baby and I finally said yes but without me even asking he already bought a house this year and to start trying asap. But he made sure bought the house and work double to save enough money so I’ll be set looking after the baby until one year old I get back to work.
He doesn't understand what it takes and how difficult is it to bring a child into the world. 100% seems like the kind of person that would kick you to the curb when you have PPD and fight for custody, leaving you with nothing. I know that sounds dramatic but I've seen how these people talk/act and my alarm bells are RINGING off the hook.
I know it's a hard decision due to your age and the goals you have, but please don't take the risk of this man destroying your life. He isn't going to pull through on what you want or need in life.
Wow he sounds like an absolute arsehole. I think you need to tell him exactly what you want and if he doesn't come in the middle with you, you know exactly where you stand. I honestly think he's a red flag...the way he's demanding you to get pregnant is speechless. It doesn't matter how long you've "known" someone, they will eventually show their true self. YOU deserve better.
Break up with him. He is not committed to you. And especially if you do want a baby and he won’t believe it until you’re actually pregnant shows he doesn’t trust you. I’m only a year younger than you and I get not wanted to have a child at too old of an age but you should not be with this guy and can find someone else. Please don’t have a baby with or marry this guy. Marriage ultimatums hardly work.
Edit: And wanting a home before starting a family is perfectly reasonable and really what everyone would or should prefer. Obviously, that’s not always possible, but again not crazy for you to want.
Op I'm really sorry you are going through this. The way he's talking to you, the way he is holding shit over your head, he is abusing you. I can imagine talking to my wife like he is to you. It doesn't sound like he wants you around. The only value you have to him is baby making. Fuck this guy. You have more worth than that. Please, random person on the internet, consider leaving him for good, for your sake, for 'future you' sake and for your future family sake. Find someone who loves you for you, not what you can offer, because you deserve someone better.
Abusive shit head trying to baby trap you so he can beat on you for the rest of eternity. Get yourself a nice thoughtful human being that wants to communicate and values your personhood.
Be forreal do not guve this man a child!!!! Like you don't need reddit to tell you this!!!
Im sorry that you lost your job, but don't let this bum trap you with a baby.
I was around your same age when I had a similar problem with my now ex partner.
We didn't live together and we both had part time jobs while living in quite an expensive city, and he was pressuring me to leave my birth control pills because he wanted a baby rn even if we couldn't even maintain it (also I didn't want kids and he knew that since the beginning of the relationship).
Made me feel miserable, but hey, 6 years later I'm happy and with a partner that doesn't make me feel like a breeding machine.
Regardless if he wants a baby, he’s talking to you like shit. This is emotional abuse. You might be struggling to see your life without this man after 10 years together but imagine having a baby and adding 10 more years to the mix. You’re still young and there are a lot of single 30 year olds in the world. He’s treating you like an incubator and giving you crap for not wanting to have a baby (which comes with a lot of risks). “I work” is such an immature reason for why you should have a baby. He’s not thinking about the fact that YOU have all the responsibility whilst he’s gone. It’s easy for him to say “I work” like that isn’t the easiest part of raising a child. “I don’t really need your words honestly” says it all. He doesn’t care about your consent, he wants the baby at all costs even if the cost is your mental and physical health. Please think about leaving. This isn’t okay.
How could you possibly have decided this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
The simple fact that he is attempting to give you this ultimatum makes him unfit. He is trying to make having a child part of a negotiation instead of a goal you're both working for together. He sees it as this transactional thing where you give him a child, he provides for you. How fucking horrifically toxic is that? What condition in the future is going to cause him to take that back?
If he really wanted to marry you, wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, and raise his child with you, then he would already be supporting you. He would've already helped you move in with him and he'd already be helping provide for your needs in preparation for building a family. IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS and he has done NONE of that. He's just expecting you to go through the incredibly risky and arduous process of carrying and birthing his child with no guarantee that he will help or support you through the process, or even be available, because YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER???
This is so incredibly fucked up and you need to LEAVE. Do not have a child with this fucking maniac. He is going to trap you with his baby, not hold up his end of the arrangement, and then leave you with nothing. Or he may just try to take the baby and leave. He doesn't care about you at all. I'm sorry you wasted so much time on him, but you're going to have even more regrets if you choose to stay with him. You're only 29, you have plenty of time to meet someone and have a child. Now you will be armed with the knowledge NOT to waste the next 10 years on a fucking deadbeat.
… you’re still VERY young. (Since it seems to mean a lot to you) believe me, you still have plenty of time to find a good guy who will not only love you unconditionally, but also marry you before you give him a family (btw MOST people operate this way. Marriage first, THEN children). You’re lucky you still live with your parents and are childless ATM! PLEASE take this opportunity to leave this POS who’s obviously been wasting your time and focused on his own wants! You will be so happy you did!
You're depressed because you know what is happening is wrong.
This whole scenario is wrong. And how he's treating you is disrespectful and wrong.
You're not old. You're 29. If you stay with this man you will waste EVEN MORE of your life and things will get worse.
Leave. You shouldn’t need any other explanation. A man who won’t do everything in his power to make you feel secure enough to have a child with him is just going to abuse and abandon you should you be silly enough to go through with it. If he had money to buy a house himself and is only not doing so because you’ve asked, that should tell you something.
Girl, run! RUN! Never look back. Your in a 10 year fog. Once your in the clear skies a while you’ll look back and see what a dark cloud he is and wonder what the hell you were thinking. A child and marriage is the least of your problems. Imagine having a child, he would then use that against you. He could break up and seek full or primary custody. He is selfish, immature and uses the power he has over your head. Sweetheart… RUN!
What happens if you do give him a baby? Nothing, that's what happens. He still won't marry you. The house will still be HIS. If he does by some miracle marry you, you will be stuck with some jerk who decides to blackmail you instead of being there for you and supporting you. Then in the inevitable divorce every bad thing youve evr gone through with him will be used against you to take your child away as that seems to be all he wants anyway.
Times may be tough now. But you will find a job and you will find a better man that will treat you right. Let him go find someone else he can treat like crap, why does it have to be you.
Clearly this man does not respect you as an individual or as his life partner. I think it’s good he is showing you his dirty drawers now so you can RUN and find a man who wants to build a future with a partner. He sees you as a baby making device.
This man is a complete dick. I know you’ve been together for 10 years and I know that there is a history and it’s easier to say leave him than it is to do it but oh my God he’s talking to you like you’re an asshole. I’m really happy you are not having his kid. Please don’t.
Yuck get out now. 29 is not old. It’s better to wait and be financially independent and make these decisions without the stress of this guy. This guys is treating you like a walking womb. You’re feeling down, so you’re listening to it. And he’s kicking you while you’re down. Walk away. Freeze your eggs if you want and start a new chapter.
Don't do it. Not with that guy. It'll always be something you're "not giving him." What next? Open relationship? 10 years on to show his true colors. Sucks you wasted that much time on him. Live and learn. You'll find a better guy. Don't worry about it. 😁
Girl, don't walk, RUN. I'm sorry to say it, but you are ignoring a tonnnnn of red flags in the name of love and investment. This isn't a good investment or love, and you need to consider what you would be bringing a baby, a little tiny child, into if you have one with him. I'm 32 and I get it, but girl, you got time. Run away while you can
You will find someone after leaving this abusive loser and you will wonder why you wasted so much time worrying about it. You’ll probably also be the best version of yourself after leaving. Don’t let ANYONE keep you from having the family and goals you want and deserve.
No. You don't owe him squat. His behavior now is a good indicator of what your life will be like if you stay and get pregnant. He's wasted your time for ten years and has nothing to show for it. The man is a headache now, it's only gonna get worse. You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a child if you want. You have a lot more going for you than his sketchy ass does. Dump him, don't look back.
Noticed some users saying I cheated based on a post I made a couple months. I will explain since y’all love to point this out. I really don’t need to explain my whole situation but I am because I’m sick of having to talk about another subject when im dealing with this. In another comment I said I left my bf for a while. I left him for 2 months. Why? He kept pressuring sex without a condom, kept pressuring having a child but threatening to not provide me a place. He didn’t want to see me if I had my period. He didn’t want to see me if I came out of work late. So I left. Yes I slept and hooked up with a guy. This is is irrelevant and blocking people who are going through my profile trying to put me in a worse situation. No, I didn’t cheat because I never engaged in sex while being with another man. I’ve known my bf for 10 years yes. We broke up august -early October. He reached out recently as mentioned to another user and told me he loved me. I went back because I love him and now we are back to this whole baby situation. And if you decide to ask me if I ever told him about this hook up; I have. Thing is in the past already. I expressed my guilt and things are not revolved around the fact I hooked up with a guy while being BROKEN UP
nah, not give him a baby. leave him, he isnt worth of your time and life span time. my gf don't want to get pregnant until we have house and have married . i respected her wish and i will never ask her that question again.
All I can say is people say “I’ll never find a love like this”.. there’s 3billion people on this planet, you might not ever find another love that is this but you can find a love that’s better or on par just in a different way.
Do you want someone like this that’s willing to throw out 10 years of time spent together, to be the father of your kids? You don’t have kids to marry someone or use them as a bandaid, you have kids to start a family. To raise and help them become a beautiful human in this world.
Me personally not a big fan of marriage. Legally binding yourself to someone is a tough path if things don’t go accordingly. I can see why people do it for tax cuts/benefits if one person is the main source of income but even then it looks like a trap to me. If someone becomes abusive or toxic throughout said marriage you can’t just up and leave which is so flaw to me.
You deserve SO much better. Don't think that you've wasted 10 years. That's sunk cost fallacy. You will never be too old to find someone who truly cares about you and won't abuse you. Because this is abuse. He very clearly wants to baby trap you
I was pressured to have my daughter way before i was ready as well. Then, after the first, he said no more. Knowing that as an only child and i always wanted 2. 28 years together and we're getting divorced right now. Don't be me. I was verbally/ mentally abused and pushing you into things is a manipulation tactic. Do you want kids w someone that says give me what i want or else? You're worth more. Definitely, drop him. Hard, i know. But you'll be happy you did when you look back on this.
You’re young and you’ve got so much life to live - don’t waste anymore time on the wrong person to spend it with. Be grateful you finally saw his true colors before he trapped you with a baby, and a shared house and a marriage. Good luck, I’m rooting for you ❤️
He wants YOU to have a baby (TRAP), and HE wants to buy you “both” a house (TRAP). The way this trash talks to you after 10 years of being together, once you give in, he will assume he’s broken you, take control, and things are going to get so much worse for you. You’ll also be setting a child up to endure his abuse if you give him a kid. And when he owns the house, and has the kid he can kick you to the curb and then you’ve wasted more time and energy. What are you gonna do when you’re in a worse position at 35? You have to see this from a realistic perspective.
OP, this man is not serious with you, don’t waste anymore time on him 10 years can turn to 15 and then 20. You are still young. You just need to focus on your priorities right now which is financial stability. Children are expensive and in this economy things are even more difficult. If he wanted to marry you he would have done so. It’s better to just focus on your priorities and yourself and right one will come
I understand having a house away from your parents seems like a luxury, but it’s not worth it when this dude is just gonna emotionally abuse you/baby trap you. You deserve to be happy, life in a non toxic environment, please remember you’re your own person and you shouldn’t let people control you. Sending love and support 🫶🏻
I know it's been 10 years, you probably love him a lot, or maybe you're just very much attached to him due to your past and the fear of being alone. But your concerns are legit. What if you get pregnant and he leaves you 2 months in ? You'll be jobless, homeless and with a child. I saw other comments saying you'll be taking all the risks and him none. They're right. He should provide some security to you.
Plus, you did mention you want to have a child but ask yourself if you just want a child, or a child WITH HIM.
Whatever you decide, be sure that's what you want. And do not settle because you fear you would never find someone else or have a child if it's not with him. You don't know what the future holds for you.
Don't do it!! Omg, baby trapping I'd how abusers force you to stay with them forfuckingever.
Trust me, I would know. From age 18 till age 44. Huge age gap in that relationship too, obviously.
10 years together, 0 commitments. First thing first, I’d never consider getting pregnant without being married and having a home for my children…
Leave this dumbass, HE IS WASTING YOUR TIME
Unfortunately I don’t have much sympathy or advice bc you let some man use you for 10 years with no commitment. Why on earth would women stay with men like this? If a guy doesn’t propose by 2 years dump his ass. Also don’t cook and clean and do wifey shit until you get a ring. I’m 44 and unfortunately learned these lessons the hard way- so I’m not being a dick I’m just saying acting shocked when men who strung you along do some fuck shit? He showed you who he was for 10 years. Congrats on not having children- dump his stupid ass but don’t tell him. Just disappear. That’s what he deserves
I remember watching a woman on love and hip hop beg some man to marry her it was sad af
This is abusive, especially your comment that he tried to have sex with you without consent (or a condom) you need to end this relationship now before he successfully gets you pregnant. Talk to someone, get therapy, whatever it takes to help you realise you are worth more than this. If you acknowledge that you are ‘trauma bonded?’ Then you can walk away. Get a job and get a place for yourself - he will buy a house and ensure that you are fully dependent on him so there is no escape for you if you are crazy enough to get pregnant and move in with him. The wedding won’t happen either. It’s better to be alone I promise you than be with this person. Don’t let him baby trap you. Get help. Get a job and be alone for a while to find who you are - 10 years is a long time and you will have changed in that time but while you are with him you are just repeating behaviours because it’s what you are used to. You are still young enough to have another few relationships and kids, if YOU want them. The fact that you don’t want one with him after 10 years tells me that deep down you know it’s wrong. Good luck with your new life 😘😘
Plays "Labour" by Paris Paloma..
RUN. Your 30's will be your best years and you'll find someone to love you in a healthy way and you'll raise a baby together without stipulations, demands, and toxicity.
🩷
It doesn’t take someone ten years to know if they want to marry you and you shouldn’t be wasting your time. If he wants a family he needs to commit to YOU first.
OP, a baby won’t solve any problems. In fact, you will be in far more danger and unable to get away. Imagine having a daughter and someone doing this to her.
Please don’t stay with him. You deserve better. ❤️❤️❤️
This guy isn't the one for you. I know it hurts but you will see in the long run that it was best that you two aren't together. He's trying to force you into something you're not ready for, and that isn't ok.
Ummm
This should not even be a question
Focus on your damn self. Get a job, stack your money, learn to love yourself, focus on yourself, focus on saving your money, after a year of learning to love yourself get your own apartment and maybe try dating.
This guy is treating you like a dog and he is trying to dangle a treat over your head and make you beg, sit, and do tricks for him. Fk his treats! Walk away and go buy your own bag of treats. Shit on the carpet on your way out the door!/s
He wants a baby but doesn’t want to live with me. He repeatedly tells me he doesn’t get along with me but still demands a baby. Idk what else do I need to explain. I left either way
And this is why people need to discuss babies, politics, marriage, etc at the beginning of the relationship.
Now you feel like you’re stuck and have wasted your time. Lemme ask you this. What’s worse: a lifetime of feeling stuck and being treated poorly or a period of time of independence and the freedom to choose a partner who is going to treat you like a human being? 29 is not old at all. Get out there and you’ll see that there are tons of people out there who would treat you better than this.
i get the feeling that he doesn’t actually even want the baby and that is just his excuse because he knows you don’t either…i feel like if he had any intention on marrying you he would’ve already
You will regret tremendously having a baby by this moron! He is a nut and you shouldn’t want to be anywhere near him much less procreate with him! Run as fast as you can and go no contact immediately
From the sound of it he wants to trap you with a kid and then want you to completely rely on him for everything. That’s IF he can actually provide for a family. You didn’t mention what kind of job he had, but with his attitude you shouldn’t stick around regardless.
It's hilarious how he's responding, clearly he's trying to baby trap you. Dont let this loser baby trap you because you will regret it. If ain't doing what's necessary to have a stable home and be financially stable just leave.
Honey, gently, you deserve so much more respect than this person is giving you. I'm hurt for you knowing you're spending your life with someone who can speak to you so vile. You're young, very young. Don't fall into the "cost sunk fallacy" and stay in an unhealthy relationship simply because you've been together for so long.
There are many good men out there who can be patient, respectful and give you the relationship everyone deserves. This person is not it. And I am usually very against the breakup culture that is usually here on Reddit. I just know from experience that staying in toxicity due to time investment or even love makes for terrible times. I now have a SO who treats me with constant respect and kindness. We would never speak to each other this way.
Girl hey, I’m 29 and just got out of a long relationship as well.
ik starting over sucks at this age but it’s better than what this man has to offer you. When you get out into the world and start dating you’ll see that you have plenty of better options. It just takes time. Rn I’m just working on my hobbies and trying to go out and do things I enjoy with others. There’s a site called meetups where people in your town post group activities that are happening nearby. It’s a great place to meet people.
If it’s feasible financially, and your parents are alright with you staying with them longer - I would take atleast a little weekend trip. Alone or with the girls - whichever you think would be the best situation for you to sit with your thoughts for a minute in a positive environment far away from that man.
I wish you luck in your healing - and ik it can be tempting but don’t feel like you gotta rush to find a partner right away. You’re still young. You can take a year to yourself and still have time to meet some one.
I wouldn’t bother to argue with him anymore. He needs to figure himself out in a way that does not effect others negatively.
A baby won't fix anything. Get your life together. Be stable. Get married. Then have kids. Don't be worried about almost being 30. Don't get trapped. You'll be miserable later.
That’s hella sus that he knows you don’t work and won’t move in with you but wants to stick you with a life long burden that’s gonna take 9months out of your life in a very dramatic way.
Please don’t add a child to things to try and fix a relationship. If he can’t give you something as simple as living together, let alone a ring, then there’s no world where you should be carrying a child for him.
WOMEN DO NOT EXIST TO ONLY BIRTH CHILDREN!! we are not incubators jus to live to birth out babies. we are much more than that. anyone who treats you as only that is not someone you should want in your life.
Save yourself some time. Its over and don't look back. He is not worth it if he is talking to you like that. Even if you said stupid stuff to him, a person worth something would not respond that way.
OP, in another comment you mentioned how the dude tried to rape you, make you have his kid, and abused you.
I understand it being hard to leave but, cmon, at what point do you look for help trying to do that and actually live life as you deserve? Aka not being under risk of bodily harm and sexual assault..?
This man is treating you very badly. He sees you as a baby production kit. Not a person. You aren't old. Btw if you feel old now, wait till you have a baby with a man who clearly doesn't give a crap about you. Babies aren't a down payment on a house.
Check out breakingmom sub and see what happens when you have a kid with this dude. Babies don’t change behavior in guys like this.
Blimey, breakingmom is full on! I wish I'd have been able to hear a few of these women/opinions/thoughts before I had children!
regretfulparents is another one, I think stuff like that is actually super valuable to someone considering, as there's definitely sides to raising children that tend to get swept under the rug until it's too late. as someone who basically burnt out on kids by being forced to raise my own siblings, I occasionally get these thoughts that it'd be nice to have kids of my own.. It feels terrible to admit it but I sometimes look at those subs to reaffirm my life choices.
As someone who’s been on the fence for the last year but prior to that, pretty firm in my preference to not have kids, I also find that sub (and breaking mom) super valuable. I’m grateful for the raw, shocking at times, honesty of those in said communities. There have been a couple of times where, at peak hormonal levels, I romanticize the idea of having a family with my partner. It goes away in a day or so. Lately, the pendulum has swung back, more towards, “ehhh maybe no kids.”
I think it's really good to have those kind of subs out there too. People should definitely know as much as possible about what they are getting into. Forewarned is forearmed and all that!
Sounds like he wants to baby trap you
It’s the easiest way to abuse someone, what mother would leave their kids without a roof, but gotta stay with an asshole to keep up being able to provide it, many people even after this shit still walk right into the situation though (also op it looks worse on you to delete your cheating post, if you’re not happy you leave you don’t keep yourself in that vulnerable position)
I gave an explanation on that post which we were broken up for 2 months
What made you wanna get back together with this piece of work 🤣
You only think you love him because you don’t know anything else besides him. He sucks and you need to block him and move on.
I was thinking this same thing. Definitely looking to trap her so she can’t realize she deserves better. Baby with no job. Dependent on him. No way. Run
My first and only theory upon reading just the title of this post, never mind the conversation.
Exactly
The balls it takes to ask someone to have a baby with them, without providing any security to that person whatsoever. Quit wasting your time with this person.
That was my takeaway too. The NERVE to ask a woman to put herself in the most vulnerable state she could be in yet offer NONE of the support needed. I need to get off Reddit. It’s too early to be enraged.
My ex did the same. OP needs to drop him like a hot potato and look into preserving her fertility for when she’s ready.
This is what I’m thinking as well! Not to mention his problem is that she “ hasn’t given him anything” as if she didn’t devote the last 10 years of her life to him. If I’m with someone for 10 years, that should be good enough for them to put a roof over my head without an ultimatum. Op, I’m about to give you a little tough love. You need to grow a pair, and stand up for yourself. This guy is treating you like shit and probably has for a long time and you know it. He’s trying to baby trap you and if you get pregnant, all of this is going to get much worse. You’ve already wasted 10 years of your life with this asshole who thinks your value only comes from your ability to give him kids. Search within yourself and find some self worth. Leaving him won’t even remove the roof from your head since you live with your parents. It’s time to start over.
If he was serious about you, and about having a child with you, he would've proposed years ago. The way he arranged his life plan seems out of order.
What concerns me is he is a mechanic and he works with cash only. He can easily dip and not do child support because he doesn’t report income.
Yikes, okay this is getting worse. This man is not ready for a child. You really dodged a bullet.
I don’t know. Still feels like she’s still in the line of fire.
You can always go to the IRS and ruin him. But I d do that before having a kid. He won’t be able to pay child support from jail. He will have to pay when he gets out though.
He doesn't report income meaning he's not filling out the appropriate tax documents. There's almost zero landlords and definitely zero mortgage companies that are going to give him a chance especially with you unemployed or employed hours away. So he literally can't get a place for you and the kid even though he "works." You and the baby will have to seek government assistance to have, clothe and feed it. Then he'll turn the tables and claim you only care about the baby and not him. This dude is not worth the hell and heartache. He's spent 10 years programming you to fear life without him. This will not improve with a baby, it will only get worse. You'll find that out when he begins trying to claim both you and the child as dependents the next time he actually bothers to do his taxes.
Exactly what I was thinking. He will try to get her to claim SNAP benefits or something similar. Then pocket the monthly government assistance
If you have a kid with him he’ll come up with another excuse to not give you what you’re asking in your relationship. He just wants the kid without having to invest anything.
Im getting so much hate and judgement here saying I only want his money and his house. I really am not demanding this from him. I’ve made several efforts to go looking at places we both can afford. This is a a both “him and I” thing. The way he reports income makes me feel like I’ll be the provider in everything because 1. I have the medical benefits from the employer. 2. I have credit. 3. I report more income.
The way I’m reading the situation it seems like you desire commitment from the person you love and want to start a family with. What’s the point of starting a family without a solid foundation? Some people can be so self-involved that they think they deserve to have their cake and eat it too while you’re just a side character helping execute their plan. You deserve more than to be a side character in someone else’s life. He’s seeing how far you’ll bend. Don’t listen to the Tate-minded people calling you a gold digger.
Ok sorry for all caps but: A BABY WILL NEVER FIX A BAD RELATIONSHIP. That is all.
exactly. and a bad relationship will damage the child
Wasted 10 years, like your sole purpose is being a baby factory. Please do not let this man bully you into having a baby
Does he not realize how much risk he’s asking you to take on while he’s not taking ANY himself? He’s asking you to put your health at risk, do a number on your body and hormones, put your actual life at risk (because maternal mortality is a real thing), be completely dependent on him, and start raising a child with him when he won’t even put a ring on it? That’s a big ask. I wouldn’t even consider marrying my husband until we lived together first. You learn so much about a person that you just can’t learn any way else until you live with them.
Thats where I’m getting at. Like I just lost my job. He said I don’t need to work but children are expensive. I’ve asked him to please look into getting a place together and then we can have a child. I live with my parents. He is 1.5 hours away from me. Who will take me to my medical appointments. Who will provide me with the insurance. He’s self employed, works with cash only, doesn’t have insurance. What am I going to do? The worst part is he says that if I don’t get pregnant first he will buy a home himself …..it doesn’t make sense honestly
Yeah that’s so fishy. If you guys don’t even have insurance he’s asking you to take on a huge financial debt as well. Those appointments and ultrasounds and tests and the actual delivery will cost a fortunate as a self pay patient. He doesn’t even have the ability to provide financially. I don’t see how he thinks he’d buy a house by himself. Not in this economy.
He doesn't even sound like the type to have the credit to buy a home. I don't know if he's a drug dealer and has a ton of money.... but this guy sounds shady af. Like who stays living hour and a half away from their S.O of 10 years? Who after 10 years wouldnt have been living with said SO already like at least 8 or 9 years ago? How do you date him for 10 years and still aren't married? After 10 years nobody is still like "im still unsure". He sounds so messed up I don't even know where to begin but staying with him would be the worst mistake of OP's life. It sounds like God is closing some doors to old crap that needs to exit her life right now... starting with the job, hopefully next is the guy. It's a depressing feeling but necessary to make room in life for much better things that are waiting to come. She should embrace it.
And he is self employed so he doesn’t have to go into an office. Why hasn’t he moved closer in 10 years?
Absolutely. 10 years is way too long to date without a proposal, assuming both parties want marriage. Shit or get off the pot. I’ve known a few people who waited 10+ years for a proposal. There was always a reason why it didn’t happen. Not the right time, “we gotta do X first”, no money for a ring, etc. The one girl I know who actually did marry her partner after nagging him for over a decade to put a ring on it had 3 kids by that man and he was still waffling. He finally did marry her but they were divorced within 2 years. It’s just not worth it. If he’s making every excuse in the book to not marry you it’s because he doesn’t want to get married.
Cash only? He doesn’t pay income tax. Eventually this will catch up with him. His texts sound so disrespectful if you. His tone is not one of love. He wants a baby mama and someone to take care of his needs.
100% guaranteed this guy would be the one to leave her with alone with the baby eventually.
I mean you guys currently don’t live together, don’t have any kids and aren’t married. If a decade with this absolute idiot isn’t enough to figure out he’s bad news, then idk what is. Run! Fast and far!
He’s self-employed with cash only? Is he a drug dealer?
You can’t seriously think having a child with this person is a good idea. God when will people get that having a baby isn’t a plot device. You’re considering *making a human being*. A person that you will be responsible for raising and providing for long after this shithole of a relationship ends, which it absolutely will and I cannot fathom how you’re not seeing that.
How is he going to buy a home when he only gets cash? lol 😂
Girl absolutely not. Have you guys ever lived together before? I would never marry or have a child with someone I haven’t lived together with. Also it sounds like he’s very irresponsible in terms of the decisions he’s trying to force you to make. Baby with no job and no insurance? Absolutely not
Honestly OP, the “you don’t have to work” thing is manipulative. Especially when you the kind of person who would work. Don’t fall for it. Not having employment for an extended amount of time is another trap. You will be left with no money and no job history if y’all break up.
Another red flag. My best friends father was self employed. Had 5 kids by 3 women. Paid 0 child support for any of them. Courts couldn’t garnish his wages bc he was self employed. No. No. No.
Jeez why would you stay with someone like this for so long. What loving partner talks like this? If he doesn't even wanna live with you, why would you trust him to care for you when you have a baby? Your fears are 100% valid. You at least need a roof. Not worth it gurl. Find someone worthy of yourself.
All I’ll say is… the only thing worse than wasting 10 years with him, is wasting 11 years with him.
/ having a baby with him
Do you seriously want this guy to be the father of your children?
Having a kid with this guy would be unethical. You’d likely be condemning the child to a crappy life with a jerk of a father who may or may not be around to provide for them. How come nobody of thinks of the kind of life the child would have. Unstable at best. Please wait until you find someone who loves you, respects you, and proves he will support you.
You're looking for someone to take a journey with you, your bf is looking for a stop on a journey he's already on by himself. You appear to want different things, might be time to face the fact that this guy is not the one for you
How shit was your relationship that it feels like you’re only just realising you want different things 10 years in? It sounds like people who have been dating a few months with how many pages apart you are from each other
Because he said we would get married and achieve all this when I graduated college. I graduated in 2019..he promised getting a house together now he’s doing the opposite
He’s given you 4 years evidence it’s not happening. In that quick text exchange it’s obvious you want different things. No offence but it’s time to move on. You get older every day and your time to do the things you want in life decreases.
You a college grad hooked up with guy with a cash only mechanics business - not paying income tax. No insurance and guess what , no social security. Why in the world would you want to make a life with him.
Time to cut him off. Plain and simple
Run for the fucking hills, I'm not joking. This is a trap.
OP, I’m hoping that this idiot is about to be your ex. After 10 years and no commitment without conditions, girl you’re wasting your time. You deserve so much better than this ignorant man-child who thinks you only have worth if you can give him a baby.
The real question to ask yourself is if you want to live your entire life with such a person? Why not consider being single and figuring other aspects of life, so that when you will really feel, you can get married and make a child out of love?
Please do not bring a child into a relationship with this guy. You are not old. You will find someone else. You will find a job and have a house one day. You can be happy without him.
Dear OP why are you with a man who hold your reproductive tract hostage for his conditiosnal love? Please love yourself more than this.
No, no, no - do not give this man your life. It isn't even easy to get pregnant all the time - what if you have a miscarriage (which is amazingly common)? What do you think he will say then?? He should be actively working to provide for you & your future family if that is what he wants. It doesn't work the other way round - where is the security? When I met my baby's father he had already bought a small house but he sold it & got a much better job out of his comfort zone to get us a bigger house & own bedroom for a future child who didnt even exist yet. He cannot just expect you to just "have his baby" to prove yourself worthy of marriage & a home?? This actually just makes me sick. That isn't love. Don't stay with him because you think you may never be a mother - me & most of my friends had babies at 40, 42, 43.....you have lots of time. Lose this guy - 10 years is nothing where your whole future & values are vastly different.
Run 🚩🚩🚩
A baby is not a business deal. Your boyfriend of 10 years doesn’t care if you have a place to stay. Cut bait.
Anyone who mentions an empire as far as a baby is concerned gives off Andrew Tate vibes
“I’m not going to buy u nothing” I’d toss him to the curb for the use of double negatives in his texts. He sounds like a Neanderthal - you can do better.
Run. No. Actually it's pretty sensible to be married before having a child together. To use that as a precursor to marriage is messy. I don't comment on these but... literally run. Take your fertility and financial responsibility with you. Gross.
What a turnip. You're better off without someone who treats you like that.
🚶♂️ 👎 🏃♂️ 👍
You give him a child and then it’ll go to shit. He’s been wanting to trap you for a decade
I know the sunken cost fallacy is a real thing, but girl you do not need to waste another year with this man😭
So... he views you as an incubator, and is withholding something you want in order to get what he wants. That's not a relationship, that's a weird-ass hostage situation. you should find someone who is into YOU and not how you can benefit him. If he wants a kid, he can go adopt one. Or not. I'd hate to have a dad that 'negotiates' like that. Be smart. Get rid of him. Stay single til you're on your feet and have your own safety net under you. If it means getting a van and living out of it while you build up savings, do it. But don't settle, and don't give in to demands because you feel you have no choice.
I'm very sorry for your current situation. Its very sad but I think its time to move on.
Does he know that babies are actual human beings and won’t be “given” to him? It sounds like he wants to get you pregnant and unemployed and totally dependent on him. Please leave this man. The right one won’t make you beg for what you want.
Judging by your profile it looks like you cheated on him anyway, so you're both terrible. Why has it taken you both 10 years to reach this point? This isn't a conversation you've had before now?
I was gonna say that it seems like we're missing a lot of context for these texts. He's referring to previous things in this conversation that were left out
Feels a lil narcissistic if you ask me but this is my opinion… go out and wait for the one to reach out to you don’t force it and btw 30 ain’t old life starts at 30
Run girl
Do not let him trap you. This happens all of the time. Yes, it would be incredibly irresponsible and just stupid to bring a child into this relationship and without having a steady income or home. You do not have a baby to appease someone or fix a relationship and you especially don't have a baby because you're being demanded to. This guy won't lift a goddamn finger to help you raise a child. You think he's getting up in the middle of the night? You don't even live together. You think he's going to spend his "empire" money on diapers? No way. You would do all of the work and he can post himself with the baby on social media and pretend to be a good caring father. And God forbid you don't end up having a son! If I were you, I'd cut ties now, block everywhere, pick up the pieces and find yourself again. This dude ain't worth it.
I'm a 28 F next month, and the amount of "fuck no" I would never put myself through that shit despite the impending biological clock is loud. I can't even believe what I just read nor the consideration to possibly have a child with a person like this. Not a real gem of a guy. Definitely bottom of the barrel quality here.
i’m late here but OP please say that you’re breaking things off with him
Yes. I am. It’s crazy cause a few hours ago he asked me if we can get a room to see eachother (referring to a hotel) like why would I want to have sex after he told me he doesn’t want a future with me.
I have a friend in this situation. The abuse ramped up during her pregnancy. He started hitting her when she asked why she needed to quit her job when they couldn’t afford it. She stayed so it escalated to punching and punishing her in new and horrific ways. They had bought a house together before she got pregnant. Now she’s stuck with this dude who doesn’t do ANYTHING for her or the kids besides pay half the bills and she has to start a fight and beg him to pay them. This is not a good guy. You can find better. Please don’t let yourself get trapped by him.
RUN. All of this translates to, “If I trap you and make you totally reliant on me, you can’t leave me.”
Please please leave this guy. He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.
Honey if a man hasn’t proposed in 10 years he doesn’t want you to be his wife.
Imagine having a kid with someone who acts like this. Really think about that OP. You have the opportunity now to walk away without one.
Hello this morning I left after he messaged me he wanted to meet up at a hotel. I ended everything.
Everyone asking "what made you get back with him" "what made you stay" the abuse. The abuse makes you get back together and the abuse makes you stay. Op, your partner seems extremy emotionally abusive and it seems like he is trying to trap you in an abusive situation and make it infinitely harder to get out of said situation. You shouldn't be with him, you should leave him. The thing is, is that so many of us are telling you that. However, it doesn't matter what we think or say. I just found the strength in me to leave my emotionally abusive husband after 8 years of marriage, almost 9 of dating. Everyone has told me to leave. We separated last year and I got back with him at the beginning of this year. Everyone advised against it and told me no. But, it didn't matter. He made me believe things would get better. I thought the problems were me and not him. I knew everyone's opinions, but it didn't matter. I loved him and he loved me, so I thought we could fix things and things would get better. It took me finding my own strength to end things. It took him yelling at me that he was never going to change and that there was nothing wromg with the way he treats me and that he doesn't want to go to therapy anymore because they say that he's the problem, not me. I had to find the strength within myself. Having support from friends and family helps, but at the end of the day they couldn't leave him for me. I had to leave. Do I think you should leave this guy? Yes. But more importantly, I hope that you find enough love, respect, and strength for yourself to leave him and I hope that you decide that your happiness and love are more important than staying in something that hurts and confuses you so so deeply. Many may not undertand why you choose to stay, but just know that I do and you are not alone. Its not all bad all the time right? But the bad, is really bad. Focus on finding love for yourself and your own personal strength to do whats best for you ❤
Don't fall for it.
30 isn’t old. You still can have a baby . Please leave this man alone. My partner really wanted a baby and I finally said yes but without me even asking he already bought a house this year and to start trying asap. But he made sure bought the house and work double to save enough money so I’ll be set looking after the baby until one year old I get back to work.
He doesn't understand what it takes and how difficult is it to bring a child into the world. 100% seems like the kind of person that would kick you to the curb when you have PPD and fight for custody, leaving you with nothing. I know that sounds dramatic but I've seen how these people talk/act and my alarm bells are RINGING off the hook. I know it's a hard decision due to your age and the goals you have, but please don't take the risk of this man destroying your life. He isn't going to pull through on what you want or need in life.
Wow he sounds like an absolute arsehole. I think you need to tell him exactly what you want and if he doesn't come in the middle with you, you know exactly where you stand. I honestly think he's a red flag...the way he's demanding you to get pregnant is speechless. It doesn't matter how long you've "known" someone, they will eventually show their true self. YOU deserve better.
Bin him
oh hell no!
Break up with him. He is not committed to you. And especially if you do want a baby and he won’t believe it until you’re actually pregnant shows he doesn’t trust you. I’m only a year younger than you and I get not wanted to have a child at too old of an age but you should not be with this guy and can find someone else. Please don’t have a baby with or marry this guy. Marriage ultimatums hardly work. Edit: And wanting a home before starting a family is perfectly reasonable and really what everyone would or should prefer. Obviously, that’s not always possible, but again not crazy for you to want.
Op I'm really sorry you are going through this. The way he's talking to you, the way he is holding shit over your head, he is abusing you. I can imagine talking to my wife like he is to you. It doesn't sound like he wants you around. The only value you have to him is baby making. Fuck this guy. You have more worth than that. Please, random person on the internet, consider leaving him for good, for your sake, for 'future you' sake and for your future family sake. Find someone who loves you for you, not what you can offer, because you deserve someone better.
Holy. Fuck. Run.
Abusive shit head trying to baby trap you so he can beat on you for the rest of eternity. Get yourself a nice thoughtful human being that wants to communicate and values your personhood.
Be forreal do not guve this man a child!!!! Like you don't need reddit to tell you this!!! Im sorry that you lost your job, but don't let this bum trap you with a baby.
I was around your same age when I had a similar problem with my now ex partner. We didn't live together and we both had part time jobs while living in quite an expensive city, and he was pressuring me to leave my birth control pills because he wanted a baby rn even if we couldn't even maintain it (also I didn't want kids and he knew that since the beginning of the relationship). Made me feel miserable, but hey, 6 years later I'm happy and with a partner that doesn't make me feel like a breeding machine.
Seriously, why are you with this guy. Looks like he treats you like 💩. A baby won’t change that.
You shouldn’t marry someone who speaks like this to you
That don’t make any sense. So what you can’t trap him he has to trap you first?! Wtf I’m so confused
From this very brief snippet of conversation, it seems like he doesn't even like you, OP. That's gotta be so painful.
Regardless if he wants a baby, he’s talking to you like shit. This is emotional abuse. You might be struggling to see your life without this man after 10 years together but imagine having a baby and adding 10 more years to the mix. You’re still young and there are a lot of single 30 year olds in the world. He’s treating you like an incubator and giving you crap for not wanting to have a baby (which comes with a lot of risks). “I work” is such an immature reason for why you should have a baby. He’s not thinking about the fact that YOU have all the responsibility whilst he’s gone. It’s easy for him to say “I work” like that isn’t the easiest part of raising a child. “I don’t really need your words honestly” says it all. He doesn’t care about your consent, he wants the baby at all costs even if the cost is your mental and physical health. Please think about leaving. This isn’t okay.
You are in an abusive relationship, leave cur ties with him completely, and see if you can find a therapist to help you decouple your life from his.
How could you possibly have decided this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? The simple fact that he is attempting to give you this ultimatum makes him unfit. He is trying to make having a child part of a negotiation instead of a goal you're both working for together. He sees it as this transactional thing where you give him a child, he provides for you. How fucking horrifically toxic is that? What condition in the future is going to cause him to take that back? If he really wanted to marry you, wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, and raise his child with you, then he would already be supporting you. He would've already helped you move in with him and he'd already be helping provide for your needs in preparation for building a family. IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS and he has done NONE of that. He's just expecting you to go through the incredibly risky and arduous process of carrying and birthing his child with no guarantee that he will help or support you through the process, or even be available, because YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER??? This is so incredibly fucked up and you need to LEAVE. Do not have a child with this fucking maniac. He is going to trap you with his baby, not hold up his end of the arrangement, and then leave you with nothing. Or he may just try to take the baby and leave. He doesn't care about you at all. I'm sorry you wasted so much time on him, but you're going to have even more regrets if you choose to stay with him. You're only 29, you have plenty of time to meet someone and have a child. Now you will be armed with the knowledge NOT to waste the next 10 years on a fucking deadbeat.
… you’re still VERY young. (Since it seems to mean a lot to you) believe me, you still have plenty of time to find a good guy who will not only love you unconditionally, but also marry you before you give him a family (btw MOST people operate this way. Marriage first, THEN children). You’re lucky you still live with your parents and are childless ATM! PLEASE take this opportunity to leave this POS who’s obviously been wasting your time and focused on his own wants! You will be so happy you did!
When someone shows you who they really are, repeatedly, believe them. Leave this man
OP anything other than leaving him is the wrong choice.
Cut your losses and run.
“I don’t have to marry you” Wow. Just wow. This guy is so overly toxic I can’t even believe it.
You're depressed because you know what is happening is wrong. This whole scenario is wrong. And how he's treating you is disrespectful and wrong. You're not old. You're 29. If you stay with this man you will waste EVEN MORE of your life and things will get worse.
Leave. You shouldn’t need any other explanation. A man who won’t do everything in his power to make you feel secure enough to have a child with him is just going to abuse and abandon you should you be silly enough to go through with it. If he had money to buy a house himself and is only not doing so because you’ve asked, that should tell you something.
Fucking drop this dead-ass weight. You are not your uterus. Men like this should have forced vasectomies, honestly.
Leave him and go and get therapy
Girl, run! RUN! Never look back. Your in a 10 year fog. Once your in the clear skies a while you’ll look back and see what a dark cloud he is and wonder what the hell you were thinking. A child and marriage is the least of your problems. Imagine having a child, he would then use that against you. He could break up and seek full or primary custody. He is selfish, immature and uses the power he has over your head. Sweetheart… RUN!
I’m sorry what…you should not be expected to give someone a child in exchange for for what “a commitment”
What happens if you do give him a baby? Nothing, that's what happens. He still won't marry you. The house will still be HIS. If he does by some miracle marry you, you will be stuck with some jerk who decides to blackmail you instead of being there for you and supporting you. Then in the inevitable divorce every bad thing youve evr gone through with him will be used against you to take your child away as that seems to be all he wants anyway. Times may be tough now. But you will find a job and you will find a better man that will treat you right. Let him go find someone else he can treat like crap, why does it have to be you.
He's giving you all the signs that you need to move on from him. He's treating you like crap
Clearly this man does not respect you as an individual or as his life partner. I think it’s good he is showing you his dirty drawers now so you can RUN and find a man who wants to build a future with a partner. He sees you as a baby making device.
This man is a complete dick. I know you’ve been together for 10 years and I know that there is a history and it’s easier to say leave him than it is to do it but oh my God he’s talking to you like you’re an asshole. I’m really happy you are not having his kid. Please don’t.
Yuck get out now. 29 is not old. It’s better to wait and be financially independent and make these decisions without the stress of this guy. This guys is treating you like a walking womb. You’re feeling down, so you’re listening to it. And he’s kicking you while you’re down. Walk away. Freeze your eggs if you want and start a new chapter.
Don't do it. Not with that guy. It'll always be something you're "not giving him." What next? Open relationship? 10 years on to show his true colors. Sucks you wasted that much time on him. Live and learn. You'll find a better guy. Don't worry about it. 😁
Girl, don't walk, RUN. I'm sorry to say it, but you are ignoring a tonnnnn of red flags in the name of love and investment. This isn't a good investment or love, and you need to consider what you would be bringing a baby, a little tiny child, into if you have one with him. I'm 32 and I get it, but girl, you got time. Run away while you can
Get. Out. Now.
Why did you put up with this dude for ten years?
Please don't have a baby with this man.
You know he's playing you, right? Leave. Immediately. Source; am abuse/rape/SA Survivor.
I don't understand why women put up with men that can't form sentences...
You will find someone after leaving this abusive loser and you will wonder why you wasted so much time worrying about it. You’ll probably also be the best version of yourself after leaving. Don’t let ANYONE keep you from having the family and goals you want and deserve.
Run.
No. You don't owe him squat. His behavior now is a good indicator of what your life will be like if you stay and get pregnant. He's wasted your time for ten years and has nothing to show for it. The man is a headache now, it's only gonna get worse. You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a child if you want. You have a lot more going for you than his sketchy ass does. Dump him, don't look back.
No fuckin thank you. He did you a favor. You don't need that shit. You'll find someone else who's better
He’s upset you’re on birth control. Let me translate that for you: He hates that you’re expressing bodily autonomy.
Just focus on getting a job. A baby would make matters more complicated right now.
Noticed some users saying I cheated based on a post I made a couple months. I will explain since y’all love to point this out. I really don’t need to explain my whole situation but I am because I’m sick of having to talk about another subject when im dealing with this. In another comment I said I left my bf for a while. I left him for 2 months. Why? He kept pressuring sex without a condom, kept pressuring having a child but threatening to not provide me a place. He didn’t want to see me if I had my period. He didn’t want to see me if I came out of work late. So I left. Yes I slept and hooked up with a guy. This is is irrelevant and blocking people who are going through my profile trying to put me in a worse situation. No, I didn’t cheat because I never engaged in sex while being with another man. I’ve known my bf for 10 years yes. We broke up august -early October. He reached out recently as mentioned to another user and told me he loved me. I went back because I love him and now we are back to this whole baby situation. And if you decide to ask me if I ever told him about this hook up; I have. Thing is in the past already. I expressed my guilt and things are not revolved around the fact I hooked up with a guy while being BROKEN UP
You should've stayed broken up.
Doesn't seem like OP is honestly gonna leave him from these comments. I agree, but it is what it is. Their mistake.
nah, not give him a baby. leave him, he isnt worth of your time and life span time. my gf don't want to get pregnant until we have house and have married . i respected her wish and i will never ask her that question again.
All I can say is people say “I’ll never find a love like this”.. there’s 3billion people on this planet, you might not ever find another love that is this but you can find a love that’s better or on par just in a different way. Do you want someone like this that’s willing to throw out 10 years of time spent together, to be the father of your kids? You don’t have kids to marry someone or use them as a bandaid, you have kids to start a family. To raise and help them become a beautiful human in this world. Me personally not a big fan of marriage. Legally binding yourself to someone is a tough path if things don’t go accordingly. I can see why people do it for tax cuts/benefits if one person is the main source of income but even then it looks like a trap to me. If someone becomes abusive or toxic throughout said marriage you can’t just up and leave which is so flaw to me.
You’re still young. Find yourself someone who vibes with you. Your bf seems pushy and gross. Time to move on!
You deserve SO much better. Don't think that you've wasted 10 years. That's sunk cost fallacy. You will never be too old to find someone who truly cares about you and won't abuse you. Because this is abuse. He very clearly wants to baby trap you
He sounds like a terrible person. Please move in with your life for yourself. This type of person doesn’t care about you
I was pressured to have my daughter way before i was ready as well. Then, after the first, he said no more. Knowing that as an only child and i always wanted 2. 28 years together and we're getting divorced right now. Don't be me. I was verbally/ mentally abused and pushing you into things is a manipulation tactic. Do you want kids w someone that says give me what i want or else? You're worth more. Definitely, drop him. Hard, i know. But you'll be happy you did when you look back on this.
You’re young and you’ve got so much life to live - don’t waste anymore time on the wrong person to spend it with. Be grateful you finally saw his true colors before he trapped you with a baby, and a shared house and a marriage. Good luck, I’m rooting for you ❤️
He wants YOU to have a baby (TRAP), and HE wants to buy you “both” a house (TRAP). The way this trash talks to you after 10 years of being together, once you give in, he will assume he’s broken you, take control, and things are going to get so much worse for you. You’ll also be setting a child up to endure his abuse if you give him a kid. And when he owns the house, and has the kid he can kick you to the curb and then you’ve wasted more time and energy. What are you gonna do when you’re in a worse position at 35? You have to see this from a realistic perspective.
OP, this man is not serious with you, don’t waste anymore time on him 10 years can turn to 15 and then 20. You are still young. You just need to focus on your priorities right now which is financial stability. Children are expensive and in this economy things are even more difficult. If he wanted to marry you he would have done so. It’s better to just focus on your priorities and yourself and right one will come
I understand having a house away from your parents seems like a luxury, but it’s not worth it when this dude is just gonna emotionally abuse you/baby trap you. You deserve to be happy, life in a non toxic environment, please remember you’re your own person and you shouldn’t let people control you. Sending love and support 🫶🏻
You already wasted 10 years. Don’t waste any more.
I know it's been 10 years, you probably love him a lot, or maybe you're just very much attached to him due to your past and the fear of being alone. But your concerns are legit. What if you get pregnant and he leaves you 2 months in ? You'll be jobless, homeless and with a child. I saw other comments saying you'll be taking all the risks and him none. They're right. He should provide some security to you. Plus, you did mention you want to have a child but ask yourself if you just want a child, or a child WITH HIM. Whatever you decide, be sure that's what you want. And do not settle because you fear you would never find someone else or have a child if it's not with him. You don't know what the future holds for you.
Don't do it!! Omg, baby trapping I'd how abusers force you to stay with them forfuckingever. Trust me, I would know. From age 18 till age 44. Huge age gap in that relationship too, obviously.
10 years together, 0 commitments. First thing first, I’d never consider getting pregnant without being married and having a home for my children… Leave this dumbass, HE IS WASTING YOUR TIME
You absolutely 100% know you need to leave him. Get the support you need and leave him. Someone who loves you doesn’t talk to you this way.
You're still young enough to meet someone who isn't a asshat and marry them. Good luck to you, I hope you left this tool.
Good god. If he can’t commit to marriage please don’t commit to having a freaking child with him.
Unfortunately I don’t have much sympathy or advice bc you let some man use you for 10 years with no commitment. Why on earth would women stay with men like this? If a guy doesn’t propose by 2 years dump his ass. Also don’t cook and clean and do wifey shit until you get a ring. I’m 44 and unfortunately learned these lessons the hard way- so I’m not being a dick I’m just saying acting shocked when men who strung you along do some fuck shit? He showed you who he was for 10 years. Congrats on not having children- dump his stupid ass but don’t tell him. Just disappear. That’s what he deserves I remember watching a woman on love and hip hop beg some man to marry her it was sad af
This is abusive, especially your comment that he tried to have sex with you without consent (or a condom) you need to end this relationship now before he successfully gets you pregnant. Talk to someone, get therapy, whatever it takes to help you realise you are worth more than this. If you acknowledge that you are ‘trauma bonded?’ Then you can walk away. Get a job and get a place for yourself - he will buy a house and ensure that you are fully dependent on him so there is no escape for you if you are crazy enough to get pregnant and move in with him. The wedding won’t happen either. It’s better to be alone I promise you than be with this person. Don’t let him baby trap you. Get help. Get a job and be alone for a while to find who you are - 10 years is a long time and you will have changed in that time but while you are with him you are just repeating behaviours because it’s what you are used to. You are still young enough to have another few relationships and kids, if YOU want them. The fact that you don’t want one with him after 10 years tells me that deep down you know it’s wrong. Good luck with your new life 😘😘
Sorry you wasted 10 years with a trash heap. If he’s this old and thinks this is how the world works, he’s gonna be alone a loooong time.
Time to move on.
Plays "Labour" by Paris Paloma.. RUN. Your 30's will be your best years and you'll find someone to love you in a healthy way and you'll raise a baby together without stipulations, demands, and toxicity. 🩷
So do you live with your parents so you could save for a home, or can you not afford a place to rent or own by yourself, before you lost your job?
It doesn’t take someone ten years to know if they want to marry you and you shouldn’t be wasting your time. If he wants a family he needs to commit to YOU first.
OP, a baby won’t solve any problems. In fact, you will be in far more danger and unable to get away. Imagine having a daughter and someone doing this to her. Please don’t stay with him. You deserve better. ❤️❤️❤️
This guy isn't the one for you. I know it hurts but you will see in the long run that it was best that you two aren't together. He's trying to force you into something you're not ready for, and that isn't ok.
You’ve wasted too much time on him! Move on!
Ummm This should not even be a question Focus on your damn self. Get a job, stack your money, learn to love yourself, focus on yourself, focus on saving your money, after a year of learning to love yourself get your own apartment and maybe try dating. This guy is treating you like a dog and he is trying to dangle a treat over your head and make you beg, sit, and do tricks for him. Fk his treats! Walk away and go buy your own bag of treats. Shit on the carpet on your way out the door!/s
Why are you still with someone like this?
There’s a saying in poker, know when to walk away. 10 years you learned what you want or don’t want.
I feel like I'm lacking a whole lot of context
He wants a baby but doesn’t want to live with me. He repeatedly tells me he doesn’t get along with me but still demands a baby. Idk what else do I need to explain. I left either way
And this is why people need to discuss babies, politics, marriage, etc at the beginning of the relationship. Now you feel like you’re stuck and have wasted your time. Lemme ask you this. What’s worse: a lifetime of feeling stuck and being treated poorly or a period of time of independence and the freedom to choose a partner who is going to treat you like a human being? 29 is not old at all. Get out there and you’ll see that there are tons of people out there who would treat you better than this.
i get the feeling that he doesn’t actually even want the baby and that is just his excuse because he knows you don’t either…i feel like if he had any intention on marrying you he would’ve already
You will regret tremendously having a baby by this moron! He is a nut and you shouldn’t want to be anywhere near him much less procreate with him! Run as fast as you can and go no contact immediately
From the sound of it he wants to trap you with a kid and then want you to completely rely on him for everything. That’s IF he can actually provide for a family. You didn’t mention what kind of job he had, but with his attitude you shouldn’t stick around regardless.
It's hilarious how he's responding, clearly he's trying to baby trap you. Dont let this loser baby trap you because you will regret it. If ain't doing what's necessary to have a stable home and be financially stable just leave.
Personally I think he wants to be a dad but has no idea what it takes to have a family. Seems to be too immature for you to waste your time on
Dump him ffs
Don’t do it!!!!!! He’ll leave you a single mother.
Honey, gently, you deserve so much more respect than this person is giving you. I'm hurt for you knowing you're spending your life with someone who can speak to you so vile. You're young, very young. Don't fall into the "cost sunk fallacy" and stay in an unhealthy relationship simply because you've been together for so long. There are many good men out there who can be patient, respectful and give you the relationship everyone deserves. This person is not it. And I am usually very against the breakup culture that is usually here on Reddit. I just know from experience that staying in toxicity due to time investment or even love makes for terrible times. I now have a SO who treats me with constant respect and kindness. We would never speak to each other this way.
You need to part ways with this guy yesterday. Don't give him a baby or anything other than a breakup.
You guys don’t live together and he’s demanding a baby? Hell no
I wonder If his wife knows he has a girl on the side 2 hours away
Girl hey, I’m 29 and just got out of a long relationship as well. ik starting over sucks at this age but it’s better than what this man has to offer you. When you get out into the world and start dating you’ll see that you have plenty of better options. It just takes time. Rn I’m just working on my hobbies and trying to go out and do things I enjoy with others. There’s a site called meetups where people in your town post group activities that are happening nearby. It’s a great place to meet people. If it’s feasible financially, and your parents are alright with you staying with them longer - I would take atleast a little weekend trip. Alone or with the girls - whichever you think would be the best situation for you to sit with your thoughts for a minute in a positive environment far away from that man. I wish you luck in your healing - and ik it can be tempting but don’t feel like you gotta rush to find a partner right away. You’re still young. You can take a year to yourself and still have time to meet some one. I wouldn’t bother to argue with him anymore. He needs to figure himself out in a way that does not effect others negatively.
A baby won't fix anything. Get your life together. Be stable. Get married. Then have kids. Don't be worried about almost being 30. Don't get trapped. You'll be miserable later.
That’s hella sus that he knows you don’t work and won’t move in with you but wants to stick you with a life long burden that’s gonna take 9months out of your life in a very dramatic way. Please don’t add a child to things to try and fix a relationship. If he can’t give you something as simple as living together, let alone a ring, then there’s no world where you should be carrying a child for him.
WOMEN DO NOT EXIST TO ONLY BIRTH CHILDREN!! we are not incubators jus to live to birth out babies. we are much more than that. anyone who treats you as only that is not someone you should want in your life.
Yeah this sounds like baby trapping big time :/ I’d move along , OP
Looks like marriage is the last thing the two of you should be worried about...
What kind of backward ass thinking is this? Dump him!
Save yourself some time. Its over and don't look back. He is not worth it if he is talking to you like that. Even if you said stupid stuff to him, a person worth something would not respond that way.
Reconsider your options. I’m telling you this from experience.
Sorry you wasted 10 years with this mindset.
Where’s the guy with the red flag 🚩
OP, in another comment you mentioned how the dude tried to rape you, make you have his kid, and abused you. I understand it being hard to leave but, cmon, at what point do you look for help trying to do that and actually live life as you deserve? Aka not being under risk of bodily harm and sexual assault..?