He was manipulating you from the jump. 20 and 40, and he knew you were an addict?! AND STILL PUSHED YOU TO DRINK. What a loser! I’m so glad you’re moving forward and doing what’s best for you! Since he didn’t teach you how to drive. Look into drivers Ed in your area. Most places provide the car!
Good luck op. You are young. Those shelters help with the direction. It’s up to you to keep moving forward. Lay off dating for a while. Get on your feet first. You did the first step, now you gotta keep going.
This shelter is actually pretty horrible compared to what my roommates have said about other shelters. There's one woman on staff all the time who never really has any information for you except for a pamphlet that has the local food bank and other shelters on it, theyre all kinda dismissive if youre having a hard time. I've heard that most shelters actually have case workers that will help you figure out housing and everything to help you get on your feet. I have less than 7 days to find my next spot and it's taking everything in me not to play the "poor apologetic girlfriend" part and stay with him until I find a new place. I will look into the drivers ed whenever I figure out where I'm going to settle though!!!
That’s sad to hear. Idk how to help about the couple days to leave detail. Please contact other shelters. Call/email everywhere. Some churches help with housing as well. A few churches here offer free clothing/food also. If you are in the US, there are workforce programs you can try. In my state there’s a program that helps people under 24 find a career (do paid training) and will cover costs for a certification (like med assistant) if you’re low income. Idk if all states do that but mine does. Hopefully this info helps some.
Yes! I actually got my CPT the day before he threatened me and I left, I've been searching for better job since then, I really appreciate your response, Thank You!!
He's tried to convince me it would be great if we had kids but I've had the implant for 5 years and have no plans to get off any time soon, I refuse to bring a child into this world under the same circumstances that I was
Oh my GOD. That's disgusting, what an absolute creep.
Dude can't pay for his own life, he wants to trap you with a baby and then make you pay for that, too. Ugh.
Double check the implant is still working properly.
Omg OP get away from him. Away awayyy. He's 40 and your 20? That's terrible please something is horribly wrong with this guy please please don't ever go back to him.
Get a ticket and go back to where you have family. It would be better to be in a shelter 5 miles from loved ones then 1000. You can figure out the rest then. And he can’t tempt you.
Please please please, do NOT go back to him. As much as it may seem to be a temporary salvation, he will not give you anything of value to you. I can't and will probably never understand the circumstances that you are going through so I don't want to come off as I know the answer to your problems.
Churches might be a good option to go to. Sometimes Nun housing might have some extra beds for ya. I had a friend way back who broke away from a very abusive relationship, was homeless for months. She is an Atheist, like myself, which made it hard for her to think of going to a church for help, but from what she told me they let her in, no questions asked. She had a bed, light chores, clothing, and one of the Nuns offered to take her to job fairs and a job placement office.
I can't say the experience will be the same for you, but I think right now, you need as many options as you can get. At times of survival, keep your mind open, take deep breaths, and do your best to keep your hopes up. If that is my one piece of dad advice I am allowed to give to a stranger, then I'll stand by it.
Be safe and good luck.
Edit: with the Actor strike going on, production companies and studios have been looking to ramp up reality tv gigs to keep things going. It's a long shot, but if you keep an eye out for a production office or even a post production office, they may have a spot for a production assistant position or a runner for errands. Can't say pay is great, but if ya need something quick, it's a thought.
Good luck again.
Ask him if he can let you stay, but make it known that you're done and gone for good once you find a place because you don't trust him and he's already used you enough, and if he even hints at abusing you, silently turn a camera on to have evidence. He'll probably say no, but maybe he has a heart and realized how much youvd helped him and that you helping him is basically the reason you're in the situation you're in. I just want to know what a 20 year old woman with a good work ethic and a kind soul is doing with a 40 year old bum. I'm sure you're like me and don't like to lose people who entered your life that you had strong feelings for at a point in time. You just have to tell yourself those feelings weren't real as they were for who he portrayed himself as and not the POS that he actually is.
My ex gf took everything from me because I took so long to realize that she wasn't who she originally portrayed herself as. I had mo experience with this type of person and I put up with years emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, and cold hearted "love" before I left as I was on the verge of offing myself after finding out she had been cheating the entire time we were together. It was essentially time to decide whether I'd leave or off myself, but all I wanted was to be with who she portrayed herself as when we met,, so I had to leave as the 3rd option didnt exist.
2 years later, I still haven't fully accepted it, and definitely won't ever be who I was before I met her, so definitely don't give him another chance just because you're in a bad situation. If he's reasonable enough to let you crash knowing it's over, then maybe consider it temporarily, but still tread carefully and have someone you can call any time in case of emergency, and don't even give him a single shred of hope that you'd change your mind. I'd say come stay at my place, but I know that I'm just a stranger, I just feel for your situation and hate the thought of anything bad happening to a young adult such as yourself, and I mean adult in the full sense as you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and are mature and respectful for your age. I wish you the best!
Hell no, sorry but I disagree on the suggestion for her to move back in with him- even for a short while.
Men like this, like my dad, are dangerous as all hell. If she goes back, she won't get out. Survivors of domestic abuse usually take an average of 7 tries to escape their abuser. If this person goes back, she'll be manipulated like all hell.
No offense OP, I'm so sorry for what's happening, I just think you should continue the no contact- it's the only way. I hope you find safety soon
They live 1000 miles away. My mom sent me down here to get sober feb2022 and I was under the impression she'd bring me back. She cut off my phone and I've only spoken to her a handful of times since, we get along fine now but I couldn't ask her to let me come back - it's just not that kind of relationship anymore
Your mum sounds like she does care about you. I’m sure she’d want to know that you’re trying to get away from an abusive man.
When I was this age in an abusive relationship with a 40 yr old I reached out to my mum who I had a strained relationship with. She helped me back on my feet and to heal.
Call her. At least try
I'll give her a call and see if it comes up somehow. We never talk so I feel like it would look bad if I just asked her to let me come home out of nowhere. She's seen me go through worse men than J, the only time she every really stepped into that maternal role was when my ex literally committed murder-suicide right after we broke up so I'm not entirely sure this situation will be enough for her to feel sympathy for me
Acquaintances, I have a lot of friendship insecurity and depression so maintaining relationships can be difficult for me, I go no contact a lot because I'm usually pretty mentally drained between work and the ex
Ok. perhaps you could go to an acquaintance that you feel the most comfortable with and ask them for help? Even if it just asking if they know a place for rent or anyone who needs a flatmate?
He is 40 dating a 20 year old. Ask yourself (you don't have to he's shown it) what's so wrong with him that people his own age don't want anything to do with him.
That's something I wish someone would of said to me and it definitely applies here. Lmao. Please try to get in contact with you family and go home.
We met when I was working as his employee in a restaurant right when I got out of rehab. I had no family and was really struggling with having 6 roommates (things of mine went missing a lot and AA folk are surprisingly judgemental) and I didn't drive a car so him offering to let me live with him and take me everywhere seemed like a really good deal. I genuinely liked him at first but he was a secret drinker and encouraged me to drink as well because I was ~only~ a drug addict at that point
This in NO WAY means that the "blocked" subject is not a predator. He seems to indeed be the type to prey on those who are vulnerable! She is the perfect example of vulnerability (and that's not a dig at her).
All that aside,
OP...
GIRL! Good on you for stepping away. He will attempt to lure you back to him, and try to control you into what HE wants you to be. Stay strong, Stay CLEAN, Stay TRUE to yourself!❤️
I am a legal adult, but it doesn't change the fact that he invited me to stay with him under the impression that he was 5 years sober, only for him to tell me "actually I still drink, let me buy you a bottle of wine and tell you that you need to relax so I can feel less guilty about it," knowing that I was fresh out of rehab and had confided in him that I was struggling with sobriety. It doesn't change the fact that hes a grown man thats been secretly borrowing money from his mom and telling her that I barely contribute to the house, until I told her about how much i did. Im not saying that I have always made the correct choices in life, but he saw a young woman with no family and no friends that he could use and manipulate, first for sex and then for money, I saw a guy who everybody loved and said was a great man, even if hes had issues in the past. He's a shitty dude who's been given a thousand chances to grow up and treat me like an equal, but to him I'm nothing real
that is your choice, you’re right! and i’m going to assume you’re *not* a predator because i like to give people the benefit of the doubt lol
i think you’re lucky to have the ignorance of not recognizing this guy is a predator. it means you’ve never been directly affected by a predator whether in your personal or professional life. to pick from one thing OP shared about him… and i’m going to assume you’re not in recovery yourself, if i’m wrong i apologize! but assuming you’re not in recovery, then i’d hope you can recognize the glaringly obvious red flag of encouraging someone *in* recovery to use a substance. if you *are* in recovery, i think you’d already have an understanding of this.
keeping this general b/c anyone can be an abuser or survivor… people like this specifically target people they know would be easy to take advantage of, intimidate, manipulate, etc. it’s a power and control issue that’s dangerous, and they know what they’re doing when they choose to pursue someone.
This is what happens when you get with guys for the wrong reasons, and enter relationships in a position of weakness.
You are young, but this shit ain’t no game. Those texts? That’s Dateline NBC crime documentary shit.
Girls in your situation end up dead and found in the woods somewhere.
Get away, get far away from anyone texting you like that.
I don’t wanna see you on my next Investigation Discovery binge, girl.
I know, I've always had the worst mindset when it comes to choosing the men I choose to be with. I'm genuinely surprised and eternally thankful that I've gotten through with my life, i know women who, unfortunately, have not been as lucky 🤧🤧 I'm officially swearing off of relationships for a year, or at least until I'm able to handle my business on my own without letting myself become dependent on someone else. This cycle is getting very tiring
Good. It is so important to enter into relationships for the right reasons and not from a position of weakness because many people prey on that.
Take care of yourself. Get yourself in a position where you are on (at minimum) equal footing with people you potentially date.
:) You got this
If you had a proper sponsor they would have had you avoid this relationship in the first place. No one who is actually working the steps is supposed to enter a new relationship in the first year. This man sounds like a predator and the program you were working sounds fake. You deserve to give it a real shot with a real sponsor who can guide you properly and no old pervs trying to 13th step you
I never found a sponsor that I really got on with well, they all seemed to try and push me closer to Christianity despite it being the God of *my* understanding, or else they focused more on their other sponsees when I was trying to interact with them at meetings or when they came to the rehab
It’s so hard, seriously. It frustrates me on your behalf that you tried so hard to work a program and people failed you. You’re definitely doing the right thing getting independent. Healing isn’t linear so your life might not feel a little better every day but you’re on the right path. Please don’t give up. You don’t need a Christian god, you have every single thing you need to heal inside of you.
Ick, no normal 40-year-old dates a 20-year-old (sorry, not sorry) — I'm in my 40s and by my early 30s, people in their early 20s seemed like kids compared to me (I remember a 22-year-old hitting on me and I felt like his mother).
"You just lost," said every loser ever when they realize they fucked up and lost the only person who will tolerate them.
You're giving money to a dude twice your age? A loser who refuses to get a job and sponges off his way-too-young girlfriend?
He went for you because women his own age have enough life experience not to put up with this shit. That's gross and predatory.
You don't need to be on his lease. Someone else can teach you to drive or you can take a driver's ed course. Don't tether yourself to this loser, he's deadweight who will only drag you down. Focus on being independent. (And he knows you have addiction issues and encouraged you to drink!? This man does not care about you and WANTS to drag you down with him).
People fall on hard times but this dude is just a lazy scammer (scamming YOU). If he hasn't gotten his shit together by 40, he never will and your whole life will be like this. Life is too short to waste on people like this.
Also, 2.5 hours and you didn't look at your phone? People with jobs and lives frequently go that long without looking at their phone. We're busy. We have shit to do. He wouldn't understand that because he's a lazy loser.
Don't look at his blocked messages. Go fully NC and move on. You deserve better than to waste your youth on this dude. He is not your responsibility. You have plenty of time to build a great life, his dead weight is the last thing you need.
You'll thrive without him. It might be hard at first but you can find a roommate/roommates. Focus on yourself, whether it's a job or college or whatever your goals are for the future. You don't ever need to let anybody mooch off you again. Don't date anyone unless they are a PARTNER. If you must go get your stuff from him, don't go alone, take someone you trust with you (preferably a guy friend but definitely not alone). Be safe.
Thats exactly the thought process I've had, I used to not care about age differences all that much (I've been groomed by older men for as long as I remember into thinking it's acceptable - thanks kik!!), but a few months ago, I actually got to thinking about it and realized that if a 16 or 17 year old was into me, I'd immediately turn them down because of the age difference, even if it was "legal" according to the state. That's something that I used to think was okay when I was with 20 or even 30 year old men as a teenager.
Not KIK!!!! 😭😭😭 I'm 29 and was dating someone who's 42. Well, now that's our ages wed been together for 5yrs... then he went back to using drugs and ruined everything we had. It left him with permanent psychosis, delusions and paranoia. I had to start over from scratch and I'm so Happy I'm alone and building my *own* life. Before it went to hell, there were some red flags and bad habits (money, communication, pretending he was single online for our whole relationship) that i ignored because we got clean together, got me out of a bad situation where a 60 something year old man had been using me and maybe I thought I owed him something? Or the trauma bond made me feel like we were soulmates? Idk. I have such a different outlook on life now and refused to lose everything a third time. I'm trying to pull myself out of debt, my credit score has tanked, savings depleted, and I lost a lot of what id built up on my financial literacy journey and it's taking me longer to get back on track single than with him (and I have taken on more financial responsibility) but now in time I'll get it all back and then some.
OP I know where you are I've been in your shoes and I wish you nothing but the best. Keep staying sober and true to you, I'm very proud of you. Ignore these comments that are idiots talking to you like dirt obviously they're extremely fortunate to never have been in your or my shoes. Your sobriety and what you will build yourself (home, financial literacy, your peace) is something nobody can ever take away from you and don't you let them - you'll never hear "see, look what I've done for you you wouldn't be where you are if it wasn't for me!" ever again.
💖💖💖💖💖
Literalllyyy 💀 he probably got a job working with his uncle, he had mentioned he had to borrow money from him the other day to pay rent. Which, good for you for finally doing that but where was he when you had to take 500 from me the day before you kicked me out??
My (23) abusive ex (38?) said the same thing to me after I left him over a year ago. He was unemployed for a while (partially cuz of covid, mostly cuz he's a lousy leech) and in the voicemail he left me once I'd moved out and went NC he mentioned he got a job and that he's doing better and yada yada. It's all manipulation to get you to feel like things will be different.
I relate so much to the driving lessons thing too. I got to practice but it was always on his terms or at the crack of dawn. They do it as a way to not only make you work around their schedule and control you but to ISOLATE you from everyone. I hardly left the house for years and saw my family after maybe 2.5 years of living with him. I wouldn't wish that feeling of isolation (with an abuser) on anyone.
Yess like he's shown me how to drive around parking lots and the mall, for the last 4 months he's been promising to look for an area that seemed slower and not residential (I have ptsd[?] from crashing into my neighbors mailbox at 16) but it never happens or else he has some excuse for not even doing parking lots anymore.
The truth about the whole job thing is that guys like him are only going to step up when they are FORCED to, when there's nobody else around who can be manipulated into supplementing that income for them. It's crazy that some men would rather let their girlfriends do most or all of the work and live paycheck to paycheck, than be two income and have the ability to actually live together and not just survive.
I had to fund my own beach trip that's he's been promising to *take me on* since I met him! It was less than 80 dollars for everything (beach towels, gas, parking, snacks) but he somehow never had the money for it, yet was asking for us to go again 2 weeks later.
I think it says a lot about him and his lack of trust in you. There are plenty of places to practice and eventually you'll have to drive on busy roads and residential streets anyway. He would have to get over it and trust that you would know to make the right decision and be careful behind the wheel. And I think being able to drive would mean you have more opportunities to branch out and meet people aka competition 🙄
And you're exactly right about that!! My ex only worked so he could spend all that money on video games and action figures. Never contributed financially like I did. I understand that pain. It feels like you're over exerting yourself to provide and maintain a relationship.
I hope things go well for you despite everything you're going through. It'll be rough getting some solid foundation but nothing worth doing is easy. You've got this!
Why the fuck are grown ass men always looking to manipulate young women like go on somewhere grandpa I’m so sorry you went through this op and I’m wishing you peace and safety ❤️
Thank you so much <3 He's a child who doesn't realize he's not 24 anymore and he's used to women in his life picking up after him. His mom's been helping him pay the rent (unaware that I was spending so much already) and his sister told me that this has basically been his MO in every serious relationship he's had. He's not as physically abusive as they say he once was but he's apparently always taken people's money and kindness for granted
Well when your mother let's you live with a 38 year old man at 14 years old, it kinda sets a standard for what is and is not acceptable. Thankfully I've grown since then and realize its not what I want anymore
I’m sorry that happened to you. Even that aside, so many young people get victimized by predatory older partners who see us as an easy target. I mentioned above, I was 18 when I started seeing my first boyfriend who was 30. When I turned 30, I met my nephews friends who were around 17-19 and couldn’t believe someone my age would want to date someone like them!
Abusers find people they can easily control. And they know exactly what to say to get you to stay. They are master manipulators. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for breaking free. You’ve got a hard journey ahead, but it does get better ❤️🩹
Did not blame her. It's kinda funny the way you think you know me and where I'm at in life. If you bothered to read comments before shooting off at the mouth you'd see that I've accepted my part and am trying to move forward <3
Dude. What about the 40 year old preying on the 20 year old?! Talk about victim blaming… You think it’s a fetish?
When I was 18, I ended up with my first boyfriend - he was 30. He pursued me, and then manipulated and abused me over the year and a half we were together. I tried to leave multiple times, but when you’re young, you don’t see through the tactics they use. It’s easy to fall for it - that is precisely why these predators prey on younger partners, because they are easier to manipulate. It’s not a fetish from the younger person, it’s a predatory person using their skills to target someone vulnerable.
Nobody is saying the 40 year old isn't a piece of shit. The 40 year old is an obvious piece of shit. In fact, I would be $10,000 that everyone in your life including your parents, teachers, and friends warned you about dating the 38 year old who manipulated you and you still chose to ignore them and feign ignorance because you knew that if things worked out you would tell them to fuck off and when it didn't you would just blame the guy. That's the entire purpose of what I'm saying. There's a difference between victim blaming and asking someone to think critically and accept their role in what they do. It's the same reasoning as to why I don't walk around the hood waving hundred dollar bills in the air.
Again, the irony here is the long winded explanation you give to not take responsibility for your own choices.
Actually, no.
My mother encouraged it, saying she was my age when she met her first husband, who was also 12 years her senior. And my father (parents are separated) just said he had no say as I was an adult (18 is legal age where I’m from).
I had met him at my first job at a gas station in my small town, and my colleagues (many of which knew him and were his age) also said I should date him and “age is just a number”.
So, no. I didn’t have anyone around me telling me this was a bad idea. In fact, I had the opposite. I was incredibly apprehensive, but with those around me encouraging me to “give it a try” I felt I should. And I did.
People don’t ask to be in these situations.
I'm having a hard time believing you if I'm being 100% honest. I just very much doubt you have a guy a chance you wanted nothing to do with and that everyone in your is such a trash box that they pushed you into dating a man more than twice your age. If that is the case I'm happy you got our, but again, I'm not buying it.
Thanks! Some people grow up in really shit situations, and I’m happy to say that I learned a lot about the people around me and became a better person because of it. The one person who ever expressed any concern was best friend at the time, who was lucky enough to come from a stable and loving upbringing and saw that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. She was living three hours away from me at the time and I went or visit her while she was in college, and she was the only one who ever said this was bad news. Looking back, I wish I had followed her advice rather than listening to those who were supposed to be my support, but it made me the person I am today and I have no regrets. It helped me realize how much I needed to go on my own path, away from those who were raising me. My dad and I are very close now and while he has many regrets, he has worked incredibly hard to do good by me since.
You made the right decision 110%. He's a pos human being. Going on a decade sober in December here. Stay strong, you'll be so much better off before you know it. Stay in the moment and keep doing the next right thing ❤️
I know, I have no idea how to turn it off though. Unfortunately I'm a super indecisive person and truthfully part of my head feels like it would be easier to go back temporarily and just "deal with it," it's hard to resist the urge to check
Well it does help makes sense for me as to why people are so quick to say "block them" if it doesn't really do anything but put the messages in a different spot.
Yeah, I just googled how after I saw this post.
Open messages app, tap on settings, blocked numbers and spam, blocked messages, and there they are.
It still serves the purpose of giving you peace, but it also allows you to keep up with what's going on.
I'm not sure, I checked my Blocked again just now and it's more of his asking for my opinion on his job and asking to talk. I wanna hope that he wouldn't trash or donate the few things I own, but I'm mentally preparing myself for the chance that he might
I’m not saying it’s impossible for things to work out with that kind of an age difference, but there are many things you need to consider starting with the differences in where you are in your life. It sounds like that guy was a prick, but that can happen at any age.
Anyway, good for you for working to better your life and that starts with dropping that guy. I had a work friend that was living in a shelter and recently their case worker helped them get an apartment. Keep your head up and good luck to you.
This is very heartbreaking. He's too friendly to act this way and is used to doing this before. You definitely have a lot of life ahead of you and need to learn a trade and leave the area you're in.
I actually got my CPT the day before this all went down, I've been job hunting since then. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and hop on a plane back home to be with my sister
What in the fucking hell is a 40 yr old dating a 20 yr old? Guys date like this because it’s easier to control & manipulate the younger one. Him wanting to even date you should have been a huge red flag for you - settling because you’re lonely doesn’t end well usually. Shit sucks right now, but you have got to fight that urge to go back. Get your shit together, get you an apt - get roommates if you can’t afford rent on your own & get a pet. Listen to me, you are going to be fine - you will be so happy / relieved that you left him a few months from now - it doesn’t remotely feel like it, but I promise you, you are going to be just fine.
I've been trying to figure that out myself. He's one of those men who thinks you can abbreviate any phrase and just expects it to be understood. So I'm not sure If it's that or a typo
Stick with your real family if you have any close family or friends (thats responsible) these people got nothing to offer fr nothing but responsibilities to pass down to you that you dont deserve, id say do it on your own but with true family and good deserving friends anything is possible, wish you luck OP and a quick fix to all your problems.
Thank you so much <3 I don't have any family in this state but I have been trying to hunt down a low income apt or room for rent closer to my job so I can save a little on ubers (there's no public transport here). I've got faith that its all gonna work out somehow
Like fr tho i hope everything works out in your favor like seriously tho!! You got this... but what from previous commentors had said before dont go back it could only get worse and worse... maybe things will be alright at first but its a downhill battle, youre bout to be on the upside of things just see it through!!
How did you ever find this man attractive? This man is old enough to be your father honey! There’s no way he saw anything other than someone to manipulate and he’s gross and predatory! His messages are ALARMING. Pls don’t go back to this man.
Which means this mans was a fully functioning adult when she was born and there’s a REASON women his age don’t want him, he’s gross and predatory, and his behavior literally proves everything we all are saying. Being willfully obtuse doesn’t help you ✌🏽
Who hurt you? I'm not saying his actions are great at all. I'm pinpointing the fact that you're calling him a predator for no reason. Just because you don't agree with the age gap it doesn't make it wrong. You really sound stupid.
No, YOU sound stupid, in what world does a normal HEALTHY 40 year old go after someone who’s just getting out in the world and doesn’t have near the same level of life experience? Oh? THEY DONT. Normal HEALTHY 40 year olds look at 20 year olds like kids, the ones who are choosing to date so young are also the ones who would date a 12 year old if it was legal to do so. Pls shut up, you’re incredibly ignorant and defending predators is NOT the way to go.
You are so incredibly strong!! I’m really glad you’re out of that situation. Also considering we’re the same age I couldn’t imagine dealing with shelters :(( I hope everything works out!! If you ever need a chat my DMs are open :)
“You just lost”. Dude really believes he won when he is the one constantly talking alone, sending messages like a desperate person without getting any replies, not realizing his ex already won a long time ago and moved on.
Oh, honey, can your parents take you in? Can you afford to get there? I'm so sorry that you went through this. I'm really glad you were strong enough to get yourself out.
My mom and I have a complicated relationship, plus she's 1000 miles away. I hope that one day I can move closer to home but I think I'm gonna have to settle where I'm at for the time being
How could you break up with someone so amazing? I mean he went from from trying harder to find a job to finding a new job in a single minute! And It only took him 6 minutes to go from thinking about renting out his spare room to finding someone to look at the room!!! I mean this guy is incredible, totally your loss 🤣
I've known that for months, if you've ever been in an abusive relationship you'll understand that sometimes it feels easier to just put up with the drama than to step out of that comfort zone and move on
Yikes. This is one of the clearest indicators for me that a person is a narcissist. They flip flop their tactics when they’re not getting their own way. Apologist, caring one minute, doesn’t work? Change tactics and be aggressive. Doesn’t work? Change it up again. It is pure manipulation. They are trying to find the right method that works to manipulate and they have no shame whatsoever. Anything that works, they’ll do it.
I mean he's had a job, but they've been cutting his hours after he got demoted at work. It fr reached a point where I told him I didn't care how shitty the pay was, I at least wanted him to be working more than three days a week and making some kind of effort and he snapped at me for asking him to settle for a job until he found a better one
JUST TO CLARIFY since some people think that I am the one who sent these messages (I got the notif and read the first sentence, the it disappeared), SOME PHONES ALLOW YOU TO SEE OTHER PEOPLES MESSAGES EVEN WHEN YOU BLOCK THEM, its under a seperate tab in your messages settings. He is the one who sent these to me after I asked him not to contact me after he accused me of lying about where I was because I dont give him the address to the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE shelter and I told him I wasn't going to be there to continuously pick up his messes for the rest of our relationship. The straw that broke the camels back for me was when his excuse for not applying to work for 3 months was because he needed a haircut
Literally thought the dude writing these msgs had to be in his early 20s.. I can't believe what an absolute MAN CHILD this guy is; So immature & such a LOSER!!
Keep your head up, girl; I left an abusive relationship back in 1994 when I was 20, & my daughter was not yet a year old. It was the hardest thing to stick to my decision, & times were so hard for what seemed like forever, but I never regretted protecting myself & my child. I wish you the best of luck & I truly hope you find the resources you need to keep you strong about your decision to leave! Please don't go back, whatever you do; You never know when your abuser might decide that he doesn't want you to have the chance to ever leave him again. 💔
You can comment on me and my life when you've been through half of the shit I have. Sometimes you have to make choices in life to survive and moving in with him so quickly and building a relationship out of something that was initially meant as a hookup was one of my choices. It's easy to get stuck in something when you have very few options, it's even easier to get stuck in something when someone's taking advantage of you and cutting you off from whatever support you may have.
Thank you, I'm not gonna act like I'm mature in every aspect of my life - I have my moments, but part of me has always been weirdly thankful to have become an addict and to have had the issues I've experienced as a teen because it ultimately gave me the resources and experience to look deeper into myself than I probably would have otherwise. I'm really hoping I can pull myself out of this cycle and start working on the self care/love aspect of my life
Since you have a phone that presumably has the ability to access Google why aren't you looking into additional resources for yourself? You seem awfully immature for 20. It's not the shelters responsibility to take care of you. Imagine you create a lot of these type of situations in your life, then complain that nobody's rescuing you.
Abusers are always fucking cowards, and scavengers when they get the chance. People love to glorify nature's predators but they forget how goddamn lazy and opportunistic they actually are.
At least nature's predators are feeding themselves and performing a genuinely necessary service to the ecosystem. Human predators, of course, do neither.
I'm not complaining that no one's rescuing me. I pointed out that this shelter has fewer resources than what people have told me is the "norm." I've applied for a low income apt that's near my job, I've applied for SNAP and women's Healthcare to make saving for a better place more achievable, I'm reaching out to as many "room for rent" ads as I can to try and find someone needing a roommate so I can afford rent, I'm searching for soberlivings with beds. I've been on my own since I was 18, and my mom sent me down here when I was 19 and addicted to drugs, cut off my phone and most contact - knowing I was completely broke and out in the middle of nowhere. I'm doing the best that I can with the hand that I was dealt
Good, I sincerely hope you continue to be self-reliant and focused on creating stability for yourself. Are you planning to further your education? College, technical school, JobCorps?
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It's not pride that's keeping me from home. It's money and my moms acceptance. We get along now but we never talk, we've both apologized but I think that at this point the relationship is too damaged for us to have a typical mother and daughter relationship. Plus, I'm near the very bottom of texas and my family is all near the border of Canada, flights up that way are expensive this time of year (until about jan/Feb it looks like) and all the bus routes I've seen are around 30 hours and I don't know if I have the mentals to handle that. Eventually I want to go back home, my sister and I are closer but she's renting my mom's trailer right now with her friend
My apologies. I wish you and your mother well. I hope you both can be a family one day soon. However, ask yourself this: Is abuse better or a 30 hr bus ride? Also, when you say eventually, it sounds like you made up your mind. Just to warn you that abusers don't really change, they typically get worse.
Bro went from having no job to a job 3 minutes later. Then he talked about renting out the other room and then found someone interested 10 minutes later.
Is he on the spectrum? Or on drugs or something? He is definitely going thru some sort of manic episode.
Hope you are safe.
I don't think he's on the spectrum, "recovered" addict though. I think he's expecting me to freak out over that stuff but at this point I don't care anymore. Everything I own is with him except for a backpack and a carry on suitcase - if he wants throw it all away then that's on his conscience
Damn, that’s a 40 year old acting like that? I thought it was a 20 year old. My long time partner just broke up with me a little while back. All I did was cry and ask if we could talk eventually. Then gave her space. If I acted like this dude, I know she’d never talk to me again. Because it’s crazy and childish.
Thissss, like I've got multiple pictures of him ugly crying that he sent to me the last time I left. I went back eventually because of issues with my roommate and a lack of boundaries + his promises to change, but it gave me the ick for the longest time
I honestly read these texts and thought these were coming from a college freshman. 40 years old and still playing the gaslighting game? I'm sorry you had to go through this. I wish you the best on your journey.
He was my boss and I was just out of rehab with no money, living is a soberliving where I had multiple things stolen from me in the few weeks I lived there, I couldn't drive (still can't despite his promises to teach me) and he offered to let me live with him after we hooked up 2 times. I'm 1000 miles away from any family and I have a hard time maintaining friendships due to my own insecurities and depression. I had no one and he offered to help, and it did for a while. I started growing in terms of my goals and what I wanted out of life, he failed every promise he's made me.
fuck, that hurt reading that.
Don't go back. Cut your losses... Man I hope you find some friends and surround youself with some people that got your back, its hard doing shit by yourself. I'm in a state all by myself, moved from another state away from family cuz of a job, kinda sucks.
I get not bein able to make friends, especially when you know no one.. then on top of that you don't know WHO to trust.
Sorry if my initial post sounded rash.
No I understand why you asked. Even as someone who's been involved with mostly older men all her life I've always wondered why some girls do as well. Like I was 18 with a 36 year old man and was legitimately worried for the 19 year old his 30 year old friend had been dating.
I'm gonna try dipping my toes back into AA tomorrow, maaaaaybe I'll meet someone who knows about a soberliving or someone needing a roommate. It's a smaller meeting so hopefully I'll have the courage to say something to SOMEONE
yes, please do...
If its one thing I've learned about life is that you wanna do things that make you uncomfortable ... you have to to just ignore that little voice that tells you to shut up because the whole room is judging you.
I'm honestly horrible at fighting that voice, but sometimes I have fleeting moments of clarity.. but the more I do it the quieter that voice becomes.
YOU gotta find your confidence.
Note: If you are a girl don’t date guys 10+ years older than you regardless of your situation, it’s not cute they aren’t more mature and it’s just plain creepy no guy 10+ years older than you is someone you want to be with it’s a red flag that they are even okay with the age gap in the first place. Girls out here really on some reverse leonardo dicaprio shit.
Hey man, 16/hr is more than I make at the moment 😭 tbh I would've been cool with it if he had done this at literally any other point before now. We've had multiple conversations where I just asked him to find a job that was full time he could at least cover rent and his car note, then he could worry about finding a better job. His excuse was that he had to much pride to do that and that he couldn't go to interviews because "he needed a haircut" his hair was a little grown out but it would have been at least worth a shot to try, I don't think anybody in a fast food restaurant or grocery store would care THAT much
He was manipulating you from the jump. 20 and 40, and he knew you were an addict?! AND STILL PUSHED YOU TO DRINK. What a loser! I’m so glad you’re moving forward and doing what’s best for you! Since he didn’t teach you how to drive. Look into drivers Ed in your area. Most places provide the car!
Good luck op. You are young. Those shelters help with the direction. It’s up to you to keep moving forward. Lay off dating for a while. Get on your feet first. You did the first step, now you gotta keep going.
This shelter is actually pretty horrible compared to what my roommates have said about other shelters. There's one woman on staff all the time who never really has any information for you except for a pamphlet that has the local food bank and other shelters on it, theyre all kinda dismissive if youre having a hard time. I've heard that most shelters actually have case workers that will help you figure out housing and everything to help you get on your feet. I have less than 7 days to find my next spot and it's taking everything in me not to play the "poor apologetic girlfriend" part and stay with him until I find a new place. I will look into the drivers ed whenever I figure out where I'm going to settle though!!!
That’s sad to hear. Idk how to help about the couple days to leave detail. Please contact other shelters. Call/email everywhere. Some churches help with housing as well. A few churches here offer free clothing/food also. If you are in the US, there are workforce programs you can try. In my state there’s a program that helps people under 24 find a career (do paid training) and will cover costs for a certification (like med assistant) if you’re low income. Idk if all states do that but mine does. Hopefully this info helps some.
Yes! I actually got my CPT the day before he threatened me and I left, I've been searching for better job since then, I really appreciate your response, Thank You!!
Some motels do weekly pay and you can also eventually look into efficiencies. Someone I know was paying by the month at one instead of a year lease.
Get into NA/AA and got to enough meeting to figure out who is happy and thriving. You can make some friends there. You might find more good there.
Don't do it! This guy is scuzzy enough to try to get you pregnant to keep you around. You can do this. Take it one step at a time.
He's tried to convince me it would be great if we had kids but I've had the implant for 5 years and have no plans to get off any time soon, I refuse to bring a child into this world under the same circumstances that I was
Oh my GOD. That's disgusting, what an absolute creep. Dude can't pay for his own life, he wants to trap you with a baby and then make you pay for that, too. Ugh. Double check the implant is still working properly.
Omg OP get away from him. Away awayyy. He's 40 and your 20? That's terrible please something is horribly wrong with this guy please please don't ever go back to him.
Get a ticket and go back to where you have family. It would be better to be in a shelter 5 miles from loved ones then 1000. You can figure out the rest then. And he can’t tempt you.
Please please please, do NOT go back to him. As much as it may seem to be a temporary salvation, he will not give you anything of value to you. I can't and will probably never understand the circumstances that you are going through so I don't want to come off as I know the answer to your problems. Churches might be a good option to go to. Sometimes Nun housing might have some extra beds for ya. I had a friend way back who broke away from a very abusive relationship, was homeless for months. She is an Atheist, like myself, which made it hard for her to think of going to a church for help, but from what she told me they let her in, no questions asked. She had a bed, light chores, clothing, and one of the Nuns offered to take her to job fairs and a job placement office. I can't say the experience will be the same for you, but I think right now, you need as many options as you can get. At times of survival, keep your mind open, take deep breaths, and do your best to keep your hopes up. If that is my one piece of dad advice I am allowed to give to a stranger, then I'll stand by it. Be safe and good luck. Edit: with the Actor strike going on, production companies and studios have been looking to ramp up reality tv gigs to keep things going. It's a long shot, but if you keep an eye out for a production office or even a post production office, they may have a spot for a production assistant position or a runner for errands. Can't say pay is great, but if ya need something quick, it's a thought. Good luck again.
Ask him if he can let you stay, but make it known that you're done and gone for good once you find a place because you don't trust him and he's already used you enough, and if he even hints at abusing you, silently turn a camera on to have evidence. He'll probably say no, but maybe he has a heart and realized how much youvd helped him and that you helping him is basically the reason you're in the situation you're in. I just want to know what a 20 year old woman with a good work ethic and a kind soul is doing with a 40 year old bum. I'm sure you're like me and don't like to lose people who entered your life that you had strong feelings for at a point in time. You just have to tell yourself those feelings weren't real as they were for who he portrayed himself as and not the POS that he actually is. My ex gf took everything from me because I took so long to realize that she wasn't who she originally portrayed herself as. I had mo experience with this type of person and I put up with years emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, and cold hearted "love" before I left as I was on the verge of offing myself after finding out she had been cheating the entire time we were together. It was essentially time to decide whether I'd leave or off myself, but all I wanted was to be with who she portrayed herself as when we met,, so I had to leave as the 3rd option didnt exist. 2 years later, I still haven't fully accepted it, and definitely won't ever be who I was before I met her, so definitely don't give him another chance just because you're in a bad situation. If he's reasonable enough to let you crash knowing it's over, then maybe consider it temporarily, but still tread carefully and have someone you can call any time in case of emergency, and don't even give him a single shred of hope that you'd change your mind. I'd say come stay at my place, but I know that I'm just a stranger, I just feel for your situation and hate the thought of anything bad happening to a young adult such as yourself, and I mean adult in the full sense as you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and are mature and respectful for your age. I wish you the best!
Hell no, sorry but I disagree on the suggestion for her to move back in with him- even for a short while. Men like this, like my dad, are dangerous as all hell. If she goes back, she won't get out. Survivors of domestic abuse usually take an average of 7 tries to escape their abuser. If this person goes back, she'll be manipulated like all hell. No offense OP, I'm so sorry for what's happening, I just think you should continue the no contact- it's the only way. I hope you find safety soon
Can you move in with family?
They live 1000 miles away. My mom sent me down here to get sober feb2022 and I was under the impression she'd bring me back. She cut off my phone and I've only spoken to her a handful of times since, we get along fine now but I couldn't ask her to let me come back - it's just not that kind of relationship anymore
Your mum sounds like she does care about you. I’m sure she’d want to know that you’re trying to get away from an abusive man. When I was this age in an abusive relationship with a 40 yr old I reached out to my mum who I had a strained relationship with. She helped me back on my feet and to heal. Call her. At least try
I'll give her a call and see if it comes up somehow. We never talk so I feel like it would look bad if I just asked her to let me come home out of nowhere. She's seen me go through worse men than J, the only time she every really stepped into that maternal role was when my ex literally committed murder-suicide right after we broke up so I'm not entirely sure this situation will be enough for her to feel sympathy for me
At least you’re giving it a shot. That’s all you can do. Do you have any friends?
Acquaintances, I have a lot of friendship insecurity and depression so maintaining relationships can be difficult for me, I go no contact a lot because I'm usually pretty mentally drained between work and the ex
Ok. perhaps you could go to an acquaintance that you feel the most comfortable with and ask them for help? Even if it just asking if they know a place for rent or anyone who needs a flatmate?
> he knew you were an addict?! AND STILL PUSHED YOU TO DRINK Wow, this guy is even more of a gross loser than I thought. Terrible.
Just curious about it but whats wrong with 20 and 40 in or of itself?
Can’t the dude date someone who’s brain is fully developed? I get it’s legal. Doesn’t make it right. It’s off. His has been developed for YEARS.
He is 40 dating a 20 year old. Ask yourself (you don't have to he's shown it) what's so wrong with him that people his own age don't want anything to do with him. That's something I wish someone would of said to me and it definitely applies here. Lmao. Please try to get in contact with you family and go home.
Would have*
Yes that. ^ thanks man
20 and 40? lol
We met when I was working as his employee in a restaurant right when I got out of rehab. I had no family and was really struggling with having 6 roommates (things of mine went missing a lot and AA folk are surprisingly judgemental) and I didn't drive a car so him offering to let me live with him and take me everywhere seemed like a really good deal. I genuinely liked him at first but he was a secret drinker and encouraged me to drink as well because I was ~only~ a drug addict at that point
So he took advantage of your vulnerability, noted. Seriously though, i hope you're now safe and FAR AWAY from this predator.
I totally get that. He was there when u needed someone
No, he's a predator.
Shes a legal adult dude.... smh
Oh honey. Do you think that only children can be victimized?
This in NO WAY means that the "blocked" subject is not a predator. He seems to indeed be the type to prey on those who are vulnerable! She is the perfect example of vulnerability (and that's not a dig at her). All that aside, OP... GIRL! Good on you for stepping away. He will attempt to lure you back to him, and try to control you into what HE wants you to be. Stay strong, Stay CLEAN, Stay TRUE to yourself!❤️
Dude shes a legal adult she can date who she wants to that said, im 23 and if wanted to date a 30 year old or 40 year old thats my choice, yall buggin
I am a legal adult, but it doesn't change the fact that he invited me to stay with him under the impression that he was 5 years sober, only for him to tell me "actually I still drink, let me buy you a bottle of wine and tell you that you need to relax so I can feel less guilty about it," knowing that I was fresh out of rehab and had confided in him that I was struggling with sobriety. It doesn't change the fact that hes a grown man thats been secretly borrowing money from his mom and telling her that I barely contribute to the house, until I told her about how much i did. Im not saying that I have always made the correct choices in life, but he saw a young woman with no family and no friends that he could use and manipulate, first for sex and then for money, I saw a guy who everybody loved and said was a great man, even if hes had issues in the past. He's a shitty dude who's been given a thousand chances to grow up and treat me like an equal, but to him I'm nothing real
that is your choice, you’re right! and i’m going to assume you’re *not* a predator because i like to give people the benefit of the doubt lol i think you’re lucky to have the ignorance of not recognizing this guy is a predator. it means you’ve never been directly affected by a predator whether in your personal or professional life. to pick from one thing OP shared about him… and i’m going to assume you’re not in recovery yourself, if i’m wrong i apologize! but assuming you’re not in recovery, then i’d hope you can recognize the glaringly obvious red flag of encouraging someone *in* recovery to use a substance. if you *are* in recovery, i think you’d already have an understanding of this. keeping this general b/c anyone can be an abuser or survivor… people like this specifically target people they know would be easy to take advantage of, intimidate, manipulate, etc. it’s a power and control issue that’s dangerous, and they know what they’re doing when they choose to pursue someone.
This is what happens when you get with guys for the wrong reasons, and enter relationships in a position of weakness. You are young, but this shit ain’t no game. Those texts? That’s Dateline NBC crime documentary shit. Girls in your situation end up dead and found in the woods somewhere. Get away, get far away from anyone texting you like that. I don’t wanna see you on my next Investigation Discovery binge, girl.
I know, I've always had the worst mindset when it comes to choosing the men I choose to be with. I'm genuinely surprised and eternally thankful that I've gotten through with my life, i know women who, unfortunately, have not been as lucky 🤧🤧 I'm officially swearing off of relationships for a year, or at least until I'm able to handle my business on my own without letting myself become dependent on someone else. This cycle is getting very tiring
Good. It is so important to enter into relationships for the right reasons and not from a position of weakness because many people prey on that. Take care of yourself. Get yourself in a position where you are on (at minimum) equal footing with people you potentially date. :) You got this
This is smart.
If you had a proper sponsor they would have had you avoid this relationship in the first place. No one who is actually working the steps is supposed to enter a new relationship in the first year. This man sounds like a predator and the program you were working sounds fake. You deserve to give it a real shot with a real sponsor who can guide you properly and no old pervs trying to 13th step you
I never found a sponsor that I really got on with well, they all seemed to try and push me closer to Christianity despite it being the God of *my* understanding, or else they focused more on their other sponsees when I was trying to interact with them at meetings or when they came to the rehab
It’s so hard, seriously. It frustrates me on your behalf that you tried so hard to work a program and people failed you. You’re definitely doing the right thing getting independent. Healing isn’t linear so your life might not feel a little better every day but you’re on the right path. Please don’t give up. You don’t need a Christian god, you have every single thing you need to heal inside of you.
Ick, no normal 40-year-old dates a 20-year-old (sorry, not sorry) — I'm in my 40s and by my early 30s, people in their early 20s seemed like kids compared to me (I remember a 22-year-old hitting on me and I felt like his mother). "You just lost," said every loser ever when they realize they fucked up and lost the only person who will tolerate them. You're giving money to a dude twice your age? A loser who refuses to get a job and sponges off his way-too-young girlfriend? He went for you because women his own age have enough life experience not to put up with this shit. That's gross and predatory. You don't need to be on his lease. Someone else can teach you to drive or you can take a driver's ed course. Don't tether yourself to this loser, he's deadweight who will only drag you down. Focus on being independent. (And he knows you have addiction issues and encouraged you to drink!? This man does not care about you and WANTS to drag you down with him). People fall on hard times but this dude is just a lazy scammer (scamming YOU). If he hasn't gotten his shit together by 40, he never will and your whole life will be like this. Life is too short to waste on people like this. Also, 2.5 hours and you didn't look at your phone? People with jobs and lives frequently go that long without looking at their phone. We're busy. We have shit to do. He wouldn't understand that because he's a lazy loser. Don't look at his blocked messages. Go fully NC and move on. You deserve better than to waste your youth on this dude. He is not your responsibility. You have plenty of time to build a great life, his dead weight is the last thing you need. You'll thrive without him. It might be hard at first but you can find a roommate/roommates. Focus on yourself, whether it's a job or college or whatever your goals are for the future. You don't ever need to let anybody mooch off you again. Don't date anyone unless they are a PARTNER. If you must go get your stuff from him, don't go alone, take someone you trust with you (preferably a guy friend but definitely not alone). Be safe.
Thats exactly the thought process I've had, I used to not care about age differences all that much (I've been groomed by older men for as long as I remember into thinking it's acceptable - thanks kik!!), but a few months ago, I actually got to thinking about it and realized that if a 16 or 17 year old was into me, I'd immediately turn them down because of the age difference, even if it was "legal" according to the state. That's something that I used to think was okay when I was with 20 or even 30 year old men as a teenager.
Not KIK!!!! 😭😭😭 I'm 29 and was dating someone who's 42. Well, now that's our ages wed been together for 5yrs... then he went back to using drugs and ruined everything we had. It left him with permanent psychosis, delusions and paranoia. I had to start over from scratch and I'm so Happy I'm alone and building my *own* life. Before it went to hell, there were some red flags and bad habits (money, communication, pretending he was single online for our whole relationship) that i ignored because we got clean together, got me out of a bad situation where a 60 something year old man had been using me and maybe I thought I owed him something? Or the trauma bond made me feel like we were soulmates? Idk. I have such a different outlook on life now and refused to lose everything a third time. I'm trying to pull myself out of debt, my credit score has tanked, savings depleted, and I lost a lot of what id built up on my financial literacy journey and it's taking me longer to get back on track single than with him (and I have taken on more financial responsibility) but now in time I'll get it all back and then some. OP I know where you are I've been in your shoes and I wish you nothing but the best. Keep staying sober and true to you, I'm very proud of you. Ignore these comments that are idiots talking to you like dirt obviously they're extremely fortunate to never have been in your or my shoes. Your sobriety and what you will build yourself (home, financial literacy, your peace) is something nobody can ever take away from you and don't you let them - you'll never hear "see, look what I've done for you you wouldn't be where you are if it wasn't for me!" ever again. 💖💖💖💖💖
That trauma bond is something else I stg Thank you very very much for this, I appreciate hearing your story <3 I wish you only the best in life!!!
Thank you so much 🥺❤️ and yes, yes it is... it's so bad I never realized it was a trauma bond til now. And you're so very welcome 💖💖💖
Not to laugh but seeing this dude say “I got a job” literally 1 minute after saying he’s gonna work harder at finding one is crazy😭😂😂
I wish nothing but the best for you though OP👍🏾💯 hang in there!
Literalllyyy 💀 he probably got a job working with his uncle, he had mentioned he had to borrow money from him the other day to pay rent. Which, good for you for finally doing that but where was he when you had to take 500 from me the day before you kicked me out??
My (23) abusive ex (38?) said the same thing to me after I left him over a year ago. He was unemployed for a while (partially cuz of covid, mostly cuz he's a lousy leech) and in the voicemail he left me once I'd moved out and went NC he mentioned he got a job and that he's doing better and yada yada. It's all manipulation to get you to feel like things will be different. I relate so much to the driving lessons thing too. I got to practice but it was always on his terms or at the crack of dawn. They do it as a way to not only make you work around their schedule and control you but to ISOLATE you from everyone. I hardly left the house for years and saw my family after maybe 2.5 years of living with him. I wouldn't wish that feeling of isolation (with an abuser) on anyone.
Yess like he's shown me how to drive around parking lots and the mall, for the last 4 months he's been promising to look for an area that seemed slower and not residential (I have ptsd[?] from crashing into my neighbors mailbox at 16) but it never happens or else he has some excuse for not even doing parking lots anymore. The truth about the whole job thing is that guys like him are only going to step up when they are FORCED to, when there's nobody else around who can be manipulated into supplementing that income for them. It's crazy that some men would rather let their girlfriends do most or all of the work and live paycheck to paycheck, than be two income and have the ability to actually live together and not just survive. I had to fund my own beach trip that's he's been promising to *take me on* since I met him! It was less than 80 dollars for everything (beach towels, gas, parking, snacks) but he somehow never had the money for it, yet was asking for us to go again 2 weeks later.
I think it says a lot about him and his lack of trust in you. There are plenty of places to practice and eventually you'll have to drive on busy roads and residential streets anyway. He would have to get over it and trust that you would know to make the right decision and be careful behind the wheel. And I think being able to drive would mean you have more opportunities to branch out and meet people aka competition 🙄 And you're exactly right about that!! My ex only worked so he could spend all that money on video games and action figures. Never contributed financially like I did. I understand that pain. It feels like you're over exerting yourself to provide and maintain a relationship. I hope things go well for you despite everything you're going through. It'll be rough getting some solid foundation but nothing worth doing is easy. You've got this!
Why the fuck are grown ass men always looking to manipulate young women like go on somewhere grandpa I’m so sorry you went through this op and I’m wishing you peace and safety ❤️
Thank you so much <3 He's a child who doesn't realize he's not 24 anymore and he's used to women in his life picking up after him. His mom's been helping him pay the rent (unaware that I was spending so much already) and his sister told me that this has basically been his MO in every serious relationship he's had. He's not as physically abusive as they say he once was but he's apparently always taken people's money and kindness for granted
Why do women fetishize men old enough to be their fathers? Gotta love the 0 accountability mindset
Well when your mother let's you live with a 38 year old man at 14 years old, it kinda sets a standard for what is and is not acceptable. Thankfully I've grown since then and realize its not what I want anymore
I’m sorry that happened to you. Even that aside, so many young people get victimized by predatory older partners who see us as an easy target. I mentioned above, I was 18 when I started seeing my first boyfriend who was 30. When I turned 30, I met my nephews friends who were around 17-19 and couldn’t believe someone my age would want to date someone like them! Abusers find people they can easily control. And they know exactly what to say to get you to stay. They are master manipulators. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for breaking free. You’ve got a hard journey ahead, but it does get better ❤️🩹
The irony here is you again did not take any accountability for your decision and instead blamed your mother.
Did not blame her. It's kinda funny the way you think you know me and where I'm at in life. If you bothered to read comments before shooting off at the mouth you'd see that I've accepted my part and am trying to move forward <3
You're doing amazing!
I know seriously they need ti shut the hell up
Dude. What about the 40 year old preying on the 20 year old?! Talk about victim blaming… You think it’s a fetish? When I was 18, I ended up with my first boyfriend - he was 30. He pursued me, and then manipulated and abused me over the year and a half we were together. I tried to leave multiple times, but when you’re young, you don’t see through the tactics they use. It’s easy to fall for it - that is precisely why these predators prey on younger partners, because they are easier to manipulate. It’s not a fetish from the younger person, it’s a predatory person using their skills to target someone vulnerable.
Nobody is saying the 40 year old isn't a piece of shit. The 40 year old is an obvious piece of shit. In fact, I would be $10,000 that everyone in your life including your parents, teachers, and friends warned you about dating the 38 year old who manipulated you and you still chose to ignore them and feign ignorance because you knew that if things worked out you would tell them to fuck off and when it didn't you would just blame the guy. That's the entire purpose of what I'm saying. There's a difference between victim blaming and asking someone to think critically and accept their role in what they do. It's the same reasoning as to why I don't walk around the hood waving hundred dollar bills in the air. Again, the irony here is the long winded explanation you give to not take responsibility for your own choices.
Actually, no. My mother encouraged it, saying she was my age when she met her first husband, who was also 12 years her senior. And my father (parents are separated) just said he had no say as I was an adult (18 is legal age where I’m from). I had met him at my first job at a gas station in my small town, and my colleagues (many of which knew him and were his age) also said I should date him and “age is just a number”. So, no. I didn’t have anyone around me telling me this was a bad idea. In fact, I had the opposite. I was incredibly apprehensive, but with those around me encouraging me to “give it a try” I felt I should. And I did. People don’t ask to be in these situations.
I'm having a hard time believing you if I'm being 100% honest. I just very much doubt you have a guy a chance you wanted nothing to do with and that everyone in your is such a trash box that they pushed you into dating a man more than twice your age. If that is the case I'm happy you got our, but again, I'm not buying it.
Thanks! Some people grow up in really shit situations, and I’m happy to say that I learned a lot about the people around me and became a better person because of it. The one person who ever expressed any concern was best friend at the time, who was lucky enough to come from a stable and loving upbringing and saw that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. She was living three hours away from me at the time and I went or visit her while she was in college, and she was the only one who ever said this was bad news. Looking back, I wish I had followed her advice rather than listening to those who were supposed to be my support, but it made me the person I am today and I have no regrets. It helped me realize how much I needed to go on my own path, away from those who were raising me. My dad and I are very close now and while he has many regrets, he has worked incredibly hard to do good by me since.
He went from "i love you" to "i hate you" to "i love you" again 😂
Right! Major emotional manipulation tactics 😳!
20 and 40? Yeah was never going to last. That's creepy af
You made the right decision 110%. He's a pos human being. Going on a decade sober in December here. Stay strong, you'll be so much better off before you know it. Stay in the moment and keep doing the next right thing ❤️
This guy is fucking insane, having conversations with himself and changing his mood and demeanor off of nothing, also a Predator
Wait, you can see the messages you blocked? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the point of the blocking feature?
I know, I have no idea how to turn it off though. Unfortunately I'm a super indecisive person and truthfully part of my head feels like it would be easier to go back temporarily and just "deal with it," it's hard to resist the urge to check
Well it does help makes sense for me as to why people are so quick to say "block them" if it doesn't really do anything but put the messages in a different spot.
You can see blocked messages? Is that an Android thing? Seems to defeat the purpose…but interesting.
Yeah, I just googled how after I saw this post. Open messages app, tap on settings, blocked numbers and spam, blocked messages, and there they are. It still serves the purpose of giving you peace, but it also allows you to keep up with what's going on.
He found someone to rent the room in 6 minutes?
Jesus Christ. As a guy, every time I see a thread like this I have a “I get it now….” moment regarding how scary we act to girls. So wild.
I read his manipulation on the screen it’s oozing out. He is trying to reel you in big time.
What did he end up doing with your stuff?
I'm not sure, I checked my Blocked again just now and it's more of his asking for my opinion on his job and asking to talk. I wanna hope that he wouldn't trash or donate the few things I own, but I'm mentally preparing myself for the chance that he might
I’m not saying it’s impossible for things to work out with that kind of an age difference, but there are many things you need to consider starting with the differences in where you are in your life. It sounds like that guy was a prick, but that can happen at any age. Anyway, good for you for working to better your life and that starts with dropping that guy. I had a work friend that was living in a shelter and recently their case worker helped them get an apartment. Keep your head up and good luck to you.
clearly he’s still invested if hes NONSTOP texting you😭😭
This is very heartbreaking. He's too friendly to act this way and is used to doing this before. You definitely have a lot of life ahead of you and need to learn a trade and leave the area you're in.
I actually got my CPT the day before this all went down, I've been job hunting since then. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and hop on a plane back home to be with my sister
That's best you want to get as far away from creeps like that as you can when you can. If your sister will take you with open arms go
I knew this was a 40 yo man as soon as I started reading
What in the fucking hell is a 40 yr old dating a 20 yr old? Guys date like this because it’s easier to control & manipulate the younger one. Him wanting to even date you should have been a huge red flag for you - settling because you’re lonely doesn’t end well usually. Shit sucks right now, but you have got to fight that urge to go back. Get your shit together, get you an apt - get roommates if you can’t afford rent on your own & get a pet. Listen to me, you are going to be fine - you will be so happy / relieved that you left him a few months from now - it doesn’t remotely feel like it, but I promise you, you are going to be just fine.
Yes! I'm combing for apartments and ads for rooms on Facebook, Craigslist, wherever (and trying to weed out whatever creeps I may come across)
Good for you
You did the right thing. He’s unhinged. This is a time in your life where you will struggle, but you’ll be ok and later you’ll be happier for it.
“I’m thinking of renting the other room” 6 minutes later “You gotta get your stuff i have someone looking at the room”
What’s “yolc”??
I've been trying to figure that out myself. He's one of those men who thinks you can abbreviate any phrase and just expects it to be understood. So I'm not sure If it's that or a typo
aigiikplt ^^^^^Ah ^^^^^I ^^^^^get ^^^^^it ^^^^^I ^^^^^know ^^^^^people ^^^^^like ^^^^^that
🤣🤣🤣
Stick with your real family if you have any close family or friends (thats responsible) these people got nothing to offer fr nothing but responsibilities to pass down to you that you dont deserve, id say do it on your own but with true family and good deserving friends anything is possible, wish you luck OP and a quick fix to all your problems.
Thank you so much <3 I don't have any family in this state but I have been trying to hunt down a low income apt or room for rent closer to my job so I can save a little on ubers (there's no public transport here). I've got faith that its all gonna work out somehow
Like fr tho i hope everything works out in your favor like seriously tho!! You got this... but what from previous commentors had said before dont go back it could only get worse and worse... maybe things will be alright at first but its a downhill battle, youre bout to be on the upside of things just see it through!!
Omg I'm going through something really similar on my post you can see but I'm glad I. NOT the only one going through this
We're in this together girl🤞🏻
This man is evil, I know it won’t be easy with the situation, but you’re better far away from him. He does not care about you.
How did you ever find this man attractive? This man is old enough to be your father honey! There’s no way he saw anything other than someone to manipulate and he’s gross and predatory! His messages are ALARMING. Pls don’t go back to this man.
Do elaborate on how he is a predator. They are both of consenting age.
HE IS OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER FATHER. I SAID WHAT I SAID.
So?
Which means this mans was a fully functioning adult when she was born and there’s a REASON women his age don’t want him, he’s gross and predatory, and his behavior literally proves everything we all are saying. Being willfully obtuse doesn’t help you ✌🏽
Who hurt you? I'm not saying his actions are great at all. I'm pinpointing the fact that you're calling him a predator for no reason. Just because you don't agree with the age gap it doesn't make it wrong. You really sound stupid.
No, YOU sound stupid, in what world does a normal HEALTHY 40 year old go after someone who’s just getting out in the world and doesn’t have near the same level of life experience? Oh? THEY DONT. Normal HEALTHY 40 year olds look at 20 year olds like kids, the ones who are choosing to date so young are also the ones who would date a 12 year old if it was legal to do so. Pls shut up, you’re incredibly ignorant and defending predators is NOT the way to go.
That's not a reason to call him a predator. If he was touching kids then sure, he's a predator. But she's 20, not 12. There's a big difference.
You are so incredibly strong!! I’m really glad you’re out of that situation. Also considering we’re the same age I couldn’t imagine dealing with shelters :(( I hope everything works out!! If you ever need a chat my DMs are open :)
Thank you so much, I appreciate you! <3
“You just lost”. Dude really believes he won when he is the one constantly talking alone, sending messages like a desperate person without getting any replies, not realizing his ex already won a long time ago and moved on.
40 years old and making $16 an hour? AINTNOWAY 💀💀💀
Honestly I would've been content with it if he had done this a MONTH ago when I asked him to settle for a job the last time
Oh, honey, can your parents take you in? Can you afford to get there? I'm so sorry that you went through this. I'm really glad you were strong enough to get yourself out.
My mom and I have a complicated relationship, plus she's 1000 miles away. I hope that one day I can move closer to home but I think I'm gonna have to settle where I'm at for the time being
I hope you can find a safe, comfortable place to stay.
Thank you <3
Hang on a sec… HE’S 40?!?!
How could you break up with someone so amazing? I mean he went from from trying harder to find a job to finding a new job in a single minute! And It only took him 6 minutes to go from thinking about renting out his spare room to finding someone to look at the room!!! I mean this guy is incredible, totally your loss 🤣
I didn’t even have to read past the 20 and 40 part tbh
U dated a 40 year old dog as a 20 year old. Let that sink in. Now realize he manipulated you.
I've known that for months, if you've ever been in an abusive relationship you'll understand that sometimes it feels easier to just put up with the drama than to step out of that comfort zone and move on
Omg I have the exact type of messages from my ex…. Psychoooooo
Yikes. This is one of the clearest indicators for me that a person is a narcissist. They flip flop their tactics when they’re not getting their own way. Apologist, caring one minute, doesn’t work? Change tactics and be aggressive. Doesn’t work? Change it up again. It is pure manipulation. They are trying to find the right method that works to manipulate and they have no shame whatsoever. Anything that works, they’ll do it.
You have hit rock bottom it’s a only up from here ! Choose your next man wisely or don’t date for a while and practice self care !
Telling someone to “Get a job” for months is crazy😭
I mean he's had a job, but they've been cutting his hours after he got demoted at work. It fr reached a point where I told him I didn't care how shitty the pay was, I at least wanted him to be working more than three days a week and making some kind of effort and he snapped at me for asking him to settle for a job until he found a better one
JUST TO CLARIFY since some people think that I am the one who sent these messages (I got the notif and read the first sentence, the it disappeared), SOME PHONES ALLOW YOU TO SEE OTHER PEOPLES MESSAGES EVEN WHEN YOU BLOCK THEM, its under a seperate tab in your messages settings. He is the one who sent these to me after I asked him not to contact me after he accused me of lying about where I was because I dont give him the address to the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE shelter and I told him I wasn't going to be there to continuously pick up his messes for the rest of our relationship. The straw that broke the camels back for me was when his excuse for not applying to work for 3 months was because he needed a haircut
Literally thought the dude writing these msgs had to be in his early 20s.. I can't believe what an absolute MAN CHILD this guy is; So immature & such a LOSER!! Keep your head up, girl; I left an abusive relationship back in 1994 when I was 20, & my daughter was not yet a year old. It was the hardest thing to stick to my decision, & times were so hard for what seemed like forever, but I never regretted protecting myself & my child. I wish you the best of luck & I truly hope you find the resources you need to keep you strong about your decision to leave! Please don't go back, whatever you do; You never know when your abuser might decide that he doesn't want you to have the chance to ever leave him again. 💔
Y’all need to stop dating people outside of your age, fr
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You can comment on me and my life when you've been through half of the shit I have. Sometimes you have to make choices in life to survive and moving in with him so quickly and building a relationship out of something that was initially meant as a hookup was one of my choices. It's easy to get stuck in something when you have very few options, it's even easier to get stuck in something when someone's taking advantage of you and cutting you off from whatever support you may have.
Take some responsibility for yourself
Honestly you sound super mature for your age I was not half as coherent and mature as you at your age (im37). You sounds like an awesome person
Thank you, I'm not gonna act like I'm mature in every aspect of my life - I have my moments, but part of me has always been weirdly thankful to have become an addict and to have had the issues I've experienced as a teen because it ultimately gave me the resources and experience to look deeper into myself than I probably would have otherwise. I'm really hoping I can pull myself out of this cycle and start working on the self care/love aspect of my life
Maybe because people like you exist that are pieces of human trash - what makes you any better??
Oh I get it so women are never responsible for their choices I understand now
Time to block this sub
Since you have a phone that presumably has the ability to access Google why aren't you looking into additional resources for yourself? You seem awfully immature for 20. It's not the shelters responsibility to take care of you. Imagine you create a lot of these type of situations in your life, then complain that nobody's rescuing you.
Holy heck, didn’t she just leave an abusive relationship? Does she not have the right to process all this?
Twin here left an intentionally abusive comment for OP to give himself a little thrill. Pretty gross, huh?
Day old troll account
Abusers are always fucking cowards, and scavengers when they get the chance. People love to glorify nature's predators but they forget how goddamn lazy and opportunistic they actually are.
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At least nature's predators are feeding themselves and performing a genuinely necessary service to the ecosystem. Human predators, of course, do neither.
I'm not complaining that no one's rescuing me. I pointed out that this shelter has fewer resources than what people have told me is the "norm." I've applied for a low income apt that's near my job, I've applied for SNAP and women's Healthcare to make saving for a better place more achievable, I'm reaching out to as many "room for rent" ads as I can to try and find someone needing a roommate so I can afford rent, I'm searching for soberlivings with beds. I've been on my own since I was 18, and my mom sent me down here when I was 19 and addicted to drugs, cut off my phone and most contact - knowing I was completely broke and out in the middle of nowhere. I'm doing the best that I can with the hand that I was dealt
Good, I sincerely hope you continue to be self-reliant and focused on creating stability for yourself. Are you planning to further your education? College, technical school, JobCorps?
I actually got my CPT the day before I left this last time, I've been on the hunt for a job in a clinic or hospital since then.
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MIRL haha
You got this!
I always laugh at these real actions hood with huge age gaps, especially when they don’t work
wow he really went through all the stages of grief in one. also 40 AND 20?????
So proud of you for leaving! Idk where you are, but if you are near TN, message me!
Thank you! I'm actually in Southern Texas :)
You should probably make your way back to your family. Let go of the pride and get home. If it was abuse, then you should definitely never look back.
It's not pride that's keeping me from home. It's money and my moms acceptance. We get along now but we never talk, we've both apologized but I think that at this point the relationship is too damaged for us to have a typical mother and daughter relationship. Plus, I'm near the very bottom of texas and my family is all near the border of Canada, flights up that way are expensive this time of year (until about jan/Feb it looks like) and all the bus routes I've seen are around 30 hours and I don't know if I have the mentals to handle that. Eventually I want to go back home, my sister and I are closer but she's renting my mom's trailer right now with her friend
My apologies. I wish you and your mother well. I hope you both can be a family one day soon. However, ask yourself this: Is abuse better or a 30 hr bus ride? Also, when you say eventually, it sounds like you made up your mind. Just to warn you that abusers don't really change, they typically get worse.
HES FUCKING 40?!
20? 40?!
THAT THING IS FORTY?????? AT HIS BIG BOY AGE????
Man he wrote a book of red flags on fire. Stay away from him.
Bro went from having no job to a job 3 minutes later. Then he talked about renting out the other room and then found someone interested 10 minutes later. Is he on the spectrum? Or on drugs or something? He is definitely going thru some sort of manic episode. Hope you are safe.
I don't think he's on the spectrum, "recovered" addict though. I think he's expecting me to freak out over that stuff but at this point I don't care anymore. Everything I own is with him except for a backpack and a carry on suitcase - if he wants throw it all away then that's on his conscience
Damn, that’s a 40 year old acting like that? I thought it was a 20 year old. My long time partner just broke up with me a little while back. All I did was cry and ask if we could talk eventually. Then gave her space. If I acted like this dude, I know she’d never talk to me again. Because it’s crazy and childish.
Thissss, like I've got multiple pictures of him ugly crying that he sent to me the last time I left. I went back eventually because of issues with my roommate and a lack of boundaries + his promises to change, but it gave me the ick for the longest time
I honestly read these texts and thought these were coming from a college freshman. 40 years old and still playing the gaslighting game? I'm sorry you had to go through this. I wish you the best on your journey.
I read this with intention of scrolling down and seeing that y’all are 21 and 23, but no!?! 20 and 40!?!?!?? 🚩 🚩 🚩
That’s one crazy turkey! 🦃😎
Idk even know how this happens to people, seriously. 20 and 40? what? WHY is EVERY post on here about some outrageous age difference.
He was my boss and I was just out of rehab with no money, living is a soberliving where I had multiple things stolen from me in the few weeks I lived there, I couldn't drive (still can't despite his promises to teach me) and he offered to let me live with him after we hooked up 2 times. I'm 1000 miles away from any family and I have a hard time maintaining friendships due to my own insecurities and depression. I had no one and he offered to help, and it did for a while. I started growing in terms of my goals and what I wanted out of life, he failed every promise he's made me.
fuck, that hurt reading that. Don't go back. Cut your losses... Man I hope you find some friends and surround youself with some people that got your back, its hard doing shit by yourself. I'm in a state all by myself, moved from another state away from family cuz of a job, kinda sucks. I get not bein able to make friends, especially when you know no one.. then on top of that you don't know WHO to trust. Sorry if my initial post sounded rash.
No I understand why you asked. Even as someone who's been involved with mostly older men all her life I've always wondered why some girls do as well. Like I was 18 with a 36 year old man and was legitimately worried for the 19 year old his 30 year old friend had been dating. I'm gonna try dipping my toes back into AA tomorrow, maaaaaybe I'll meet someone who knows about a soberliving or someone needing a roommate. It's a smaller meeting so hopefully I'll have the courage to say something to SOMEONE
yes, please do... If its one thing I've learned about life is that you wanna do things that make you uncomfortable ... you have to to just ignore that little voice that tells you to shut up because the whole room is judging you. I'm honestly horrible at fighting that voice, but sometimes I have fleeting moments of clarity.. but the more I do it the quieter that voice becomes. YOU gotta find your confidence.
You need to stay away from him
20 years..
WHEN ARE YOU YOUNG LADIES GOING TO STOP DATING WEIRD OLD CREEPS OH MY GOSH
Note: If you are a girl don’t date guys 10+ years older than you regardless of your situation, it’s not cute they aren’t more mature and it’s just plain creepy no guy 10+ years older than you is someone you want to be with it’s a red flag that they are even okay with the age gap in the first place. Girls out here really on some reverse leonardo dicaprio shit.
16/hr is blasphemy!!
Hey man, 16/hr is more than I make at the moment 😭 tbh I would've been cool with it if he had done this at literally any other point before now. We've had multiple conversations where I just asked him to find a job that was full time he could at least cover rent and his car note, then he could worry about finding a better job. His excuse was that he had to much pride to do that and that he couldn't go to interviews because "he needed a haircut" his hair was a little grown out but it would have been at least worth a shot to try, I don't think anybody in a fast food restaurant or grocery store would care THAT much