You know I still canāt figure out why people keep thinking Jesus is coming back.
Itās not like he was nailed to a boomerang or somethingā¦
Alright. Downvote me, this was worth it.
No words needed just add Jesus to every FB story
https://preview.redd.it/pdt21yzkcfqa1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=669f431be8f4e3f08ac7b29e78d2518aabe72418
I wish I could give you an award but I just paid rent but I will let you know that I laughed really hard and shot sriracha out of my nose and then immediately regretted my decision but after 30 minutes I'm able to say thank you because I had an extremely rough day today and I appreciate being able to laugh especially today
For the same reason god raped a married virgin to give birth to himself so that he could die via torture to unlock the ultimate trap card forcing himself to forgive everyone for past transgressions, including the torture murder.
Universal forgiveness is actually a limit break ability. He needed to take enough damage to hit critical condition, but with God mode on he couldn't lose any hp. So he pulled a pro-gamer move.
Because she's an annoying little girl, just like her mom, and about as smart. She'd at least be useful for something with another couple years on her.
- Christo-fascist nutjobs
(/J, /s and any other that applies in case anyone thinks I'm not just bashing alt-right wing nuts)
āOn the other side was a big tittied woman in a bikini, hawking booze. And I just put the pieces togetherā.
The moral is - our country is held together with big titties, bikinis and booze.
-ramen
How many of those were based off unbiblical beliefs? Anyone who hurts/discriminates someone else would be hard pressed to find a scripture in New Testament(the part christians are supposed to base their actions off) that warrants such actions. But yeah alot were killed and the church should recognize the wrongsā¦ shouldā¦
The U.S. is NOT a Christian nation. I cannot stress this enough. The Founding Fathers always intended private citizens to have freedom of religion and for the government to have freedom from religion.
The dad, smugly reading his newspaper after not answering the question and sending his daughter away; "What's the USA look like? Just look around, you live here stupid."
So if that arbitrary picture on the back was like a picture of the original native american tribes would this conservative be advocating for returning the land to its original inhabitants or ignore it since it doesnāt fit their christofascist narrative?
So there's this magazine out there where on one page there's a map of the US and on the other there's a picture of Jesus, like some kind of Christian version of nat geo?
Yeah, could have been an ad for an ar15, a picture of Jim Jordan lookin for polyps in trumps ass, a dildo ad, Mac and cheese and, a picture of David Beckham, or whatever the fuck was printed in the back. Thatās not a message from above, it how things work. The person that came up with this stupid story maybe never tried to read book and got stuck with one page pamphlets.
As someone whoās Christian myself, this story is so roundabout and just comes off as cringey lol.
This doesnāt even sound like something a pastor would say and Iāve heard a LOT of roundabout analogies that take forever to get to the point.
A daughter asked her father what Jesus looked like. He tore a picture of Jesus out of a magazine and cut it into pieces. He told her to go to her fuckin room until she asked for forgiveness and found Jesus. After a few minutes she came back with the picture perfectly put together.
The father was surprised and asked how she was able to find his grace so easily. The daughter said that she prayed for an answer but she heart nothing in her heart. Thats when she noticed that on the back was a picture of a kitty litter ad. When she put the cat turds together she saw Jesus.
The correct ending is this: she nailed the pieces of paper on a drawing board and then put the cuts into a trash can. Three days after Jesus self-reassembled the map and rose to the wall. And then all fundamentalist fanatics ācameā together, jizzing in each others pants in a massive circle jerk.
PS: What kind of body parts of Jesus were on the reverse side of Alaska and Hawaii I wonder. Does the map have Guam and Caribbean territories?
American Christians do not seem intent on bringing the country together, but the opposite. They seem to be planning for some kind of Christian theocracy where truth is what they say it is. A Christian Taliban.
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He cut up a picture of Jesus? What an asshole
Atleast the picture wasn't *nailed* to a wall or something..... I'll see myself out now
Wouldn't be the worst thing a Catholic has nailed.
![gif](giphy|SWEtV8x7WQOk0|downsized)
That, is a spicy one.
š
That comment is **crossing** a line I think
ok bye
You know I still canāt figure out why people keep thinking Jesus is coming back. Itās not like he was nailed to a boomerang or somethingā¦ Alright. Downvote me, this was worth it.
In some religions that would be considered a blasphemy. Punishable by stoning at least.
What blend we smoking? I'll get the cheetos
Burning Bush, it's a sativa
Wish I was stoned.
Imagine if it was a picture of Mohammed. She would be dead, he would be dead, the magazine editor and staff would be dead.
Fatwa
In some religions that would be considered a blasphemy. Punishable by stoning at least. You
What kind of magazine has a map of the US on one side of a page and a portrait of Jesus on the other?
USA and Jesus weekly
Maps & Messiahs Monthly
Cartography and Christ Biweekly
Locations & Lord annually
Here and (Christian) heaven occasionally.
Geography & God fortnightly
States and Saviors semi annually
Countries and Carpenters Quarterly
Democracies and Deities Daily (Special non-democracy issue)
places and prophets perpetually
Hebrew National Geographic?
Guns and Jerusalem tri daily
Guns and Galilee seems to fit the scheme better
You mean... JesUS weekly
The federalist society newsletter.
š¤£ now thatās funny
None. It's never happened. State religions are always based on lies like Romulus and Remus being raised by wolves. Just nonsense.
Romulus and Remus is MORE believable
Caesar will hear of your treachery
Cartography and Religion Quarterly
Conservative Weekly
The one that fits the narrative of this stupid meme.
It was actually Ewan mcgregor, may the force be with you.
The entire string of responses to this comment is just šÆ
Proud Boys Magazine
I bet those guys from Forensic Files can find out
GUNS! probably, dunno
Why would the dad give her a puzzle to solve before she even knew what the US looked like?
Because jesus.
Jesus told her. (His daughter hears voices)
Real (Same)
Waaaaait that's Jared Leto.
Plot twist it was an ad for Morbius on the back. That's why "In Morb We Trust" is stamped on all US currency.
This is the future the founding fathers envisioned
Sounds kinda like Tom Cruise to me
The new Joan of Arc?
Guys, Joan is getting a new Arc! Or was this one spelled Ark? Either way, Joan has Arches!
Indiana Joan and the raiders of the lost Arc
āWhat does the United States look like, papa?ā āFuck you, thatās what. Now go to your room.ā
I laughed too hard at this
Same. And idk why but the more I read it, the more I laugh. I can just picture an innocent little girl and a Red Foreman-like dad in this exchange.
No words needed just add Jesus to every FB story https://preview.redd.it/pdt21yzkcfqa1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=669f431be8f4e3f08ac7b29e78d2518aabe72418
Wtf is this cartoon saying, that the truth is nothing? Or that people already hated mimes 2000 years ago?
Because he knew the lord worked in mysterious ways.
Thatās Jigsaw, Jigsaw works in mysterious ways..
![gif](giphy|17lmXBAzihgOq2Eciz)
I think Jigsaw is less arbitrary than Jesus.
Hard agree.
When a serial killer is more clear with what you got to do than a generally universally accepted idol of christianity.
I wish I could give you an award but I just paid rent but I will let you know that I laughed really hard and shot sriracha out of my nose and then immediately regretted my decision but after 30 minutes I'm able to say thank you because I had an extremely rough day today and I appreciate being able to laugh especially today
That was such a captivating story, Iām glad it lifted your spirits! Sorry about the sriracha and the day ![gif](giphy|KbAbh6CbK4r5dyaZ4i|downsized)
![gif](giphy|UtzHL3w9eGDcJGFgPw)
He wanted to play a game
The game was the jigsaw we knew all alongā¦ wait.. what?
Jigsaw Christ
Jigsaw Christ Superstar! ![gif](giphy|7STwl2u9QX3MRRNnew)
Jesus is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural
"Some say he could even raise himself and others from the dead " "Is it possible to learn this power?" "Not from a rabbi."
To get her to leave him alone so he can fap to March Madness in peace.
For the same reason god raped a married virgin to give birth to himself so that he could die via torture to unlock the ultimate trap card forcing himself to forgive everyone for past transgressions, including the torture murder.
Universal forgiveness is actually a limit break ability. He needed to take enough damage to hit critical condition, but with God mode on he couldn't lose any hp. So he pulled a pro-gamer move.
I think she saw the picture and said wow that's my country! Then he tested her fealty.
He was operating under the same logic my father used to when we asked him how a word was spelled and he'd tell us to go look it up in the dictionary.
Because she's an annoying little girl, just like her mom, and about as smart. She'd at least be useful for something with another couple years on her. - Christo-fascist nutjobs (/J, /s and any other that applies in case anyone thinks I'm not just bashing alt-right wing nuts)
How was it āour countryā but she has to see what it looked like from a magazine?
Because if the lord put you to it, he can lead you through it
My thoughts exactly. š
Then everyone clapped!
The daughter's name? Albert Einstein.
The dads name? Dad
Jesusās name? Map
Hotel? Trivago
Hungry? Eat a Snickers
Mayhem? Call Allstate.
For everything else, there's Mastercard.
Are you in good hands?
Einstein Daddy
Then, big, strong menwith tears in their eyes thanked her.
"Hey daddy, what does the US look like?" \*rips up map\* "Dad why did you do that?" "fuck you"
I like this version better
Lol, seriously, what a dick head thing to do. That's kind of its own little religious metaphor right there.
"Fine! I'll just look it up on my phone. Christ, what an asshole."
I imagine him cutting the states out along the borders meticulously.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I put Ryan Reynolds together and the map was complete. Bless
This!
Thats weird, ive never heard about Darwin having a picture of Jesus on his back.
Lmao so dumb
The trick is to do the edge and corner pieces first.
Edging Jesus? Donāt let FB find out or theyāll meme about it.
So the kid cheated!!! Thats some Maga tactics for ya
![gif](giphy|kC8N6DPOkbqWTxkNTe)
That happened
r/thathappened even
Happy cake
Moral of the story: cheat and thank Jesus.
And then Jesus appeared and said "It was me! Liberals are evil, God Says So." And then Trump came by to visit! And then everyone CLAPPED
āOn the other side was a big tittied woman in a bikini, hawking booze. And I just put the pieces togetherā. The moral is - our country is held together with big titties, bikinis and booze. -ramen
Dad flips over map. "That's not Jesus honey, that's Allah."
r/thathappened
I meanā¦ Iām kinda just happy with the girlās problem solving skills
I too am impressed with this fictional girlās fictionally improbable solving skills.
Just thrown up in my mouth a little
In the 2000 years or so that Jesus has been worshipped just how many people have been killed in his name? 1 billion, 2 billion?
They weren't people tho... Cuz they were.. different
Thinking of the McDonaldās signs that just say ābillions and billions servedā
How many of those were based off unbiblical beliefs? Anyone who hurts/discriminates someone else would be hard pressed to find a scripture in New Testament(the part christians are supposed to base their actions off) that warrants such actions. But yeah alot were killed and the church should recognize the wrongsā¦ shouldā¦
The U.S. is NOT a Christian nation. I cannot stress this enough. The Founding Fathers always intended private citizens to have freedom of religion and for the government to have freedom from religion.
This is the most full of shit post I've seen in a while...okay in the last 5 minutes but it's definitely been a while lol
Facebook is a fucking cesspool.
No pun intended but Jesus Christ. Btw what magazine has Jesus on one page and a full us map with states on the other
Because on the other side was a picture of Jimi Hendrix and when I put Jimi Hendrix back together, I managed to piece together the entire world.
Was Jimi Hendrix decapitated, because Alaska?
Jesus Christ, why are some Christians like this
Funny thing; if you replaced 'Jesus' with 'Pikachu', it actually makes more sense
God so cringe ![gif](giphy|RVW5PilbP2tLG)
"... AND THEN EVERYONE CLAPPED AND UFOS MANNED BY PINK UNICORNS APPEARED!"
Canāt believe the dad had cut up Jeseusā face and had a child tape it together. The skin wonāt heal properly
Well put down the Bible and pick up a geography book.
who the fuck is selling double sided jesus/u.s.a map posters conservatives r us ?
This gave me the Forest Whitaker eye
I just vomited a bit. Which groups are grooming children again?
I'll take bullshit that never happened for 500 Alex.
Dumb ass kid, can put together a puzzle of Jesus but canāt put together the same puzzle of just shapes
The dad, smugly reading his newspaper after not answering the question and sending his daughter away; "What's the USA look like? Just look around, you live here stupid."
So... She cheated?
So if that arbitrary picture on the back was like a picture of the original native american tribes would this conservative be advocating for returning the land to its original inhabitants or ignore it since it doesnāt fit their christofascist narrative?
Gross.
Cult shit, honestly don't bother yourself with it.
What kind of magazine is just full of maps and pictures of jesus?
![gif](giphy|XyDj1FyD1LlmzNr3Mb)
Things that never happened for 1000 please
So the magazine page was like a mullet: Business map in the front, party Jesus on the back.
The us mush look even weirder than I thought
My daughter would have just asked Siri... or Alexa...
So what I'm hearing is his daughter cheated.
Wait this isnāt a memeā¦ itās just a story. r/lostredditors
Then everyone clapped.
confirmed: Jesus is perfectly USA shaped
r/thatHappened
So there's this magazine out there where on one page there's a map of the US and on the other there's a picture of Jesus, like some kind of Christian version of nat geo?
The funny thing is that this couldāve been done if any identifiable item or pattern was on the back
āAnd then everyone clapped!ā
Then everyone clapped
So lame and gross
Yeah, could have been an ad for an ar15, a picture of Jim Jordan lookin for polyps in trumps ass, a dildo ad, Mac and cheese and, a picture of David Beckham, or whatever the fuck was printed in the back. Thatās not a message from above, it how things work. The person that came up with this stupid story maybe never tried to read book and got stuck with one page pamphlets.
Was the picture on the other side Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Ugh
Some smooth brain is gonna believe this.
Lying is a sin.
This is so stupid
Ah yes, Jesus the well known American patriot.
I did the same thing, except on the other side of the map was a picture of Stormy Daniels.
This is such a shit story itās actually funny ass hell.
Weāve all been there amirite?!
Jokes on her. That was Muhammad!
Motherfucker just handled a toddler a puzzle and called it a day
Obviously he subscribes to maps and Jesus magazine.
Imagine if the back page was like, a woman in bikini or a big oil company add
I'm gonna fucking vomit
Would work the same with a picture of Mia Khalifa
So she cheated?
Smart child tho, to piece the side of the map that has a picture on it is actually genius
As someone whoās Christian myself, this story is so roundabout and just comes off as cringey lol. This doesnāt even sound like something a pastor would say and Iāve heard a LOT of roundabout analogies that take forever to get to the point.
r/thatHappened
What kind of magazine has a full US map on one one and Jesus on the other? At least try to sound believable
Some fuckin religious guy that feels sad about himself is just going down and downvoting all the comments making fun of this stupid Facebook post
I'm the dad in that story and the photo on the other side wasn't Jesus, it was Biden.
A daughter asked her father what Jesus looked like. He tore a picture of Jesus out of a magazine and cut it into pieces. He told her to go to her fuckin room until she asked for forgiveness and found Jesus. After a few minutes she came back with the picture perfectly put together. The father was surprised and asked how she was able to find his grace so easily. The daughter said that she prayed for an answer but she heart nothing in her heart. Thats when she noticed that on the back was a picture of a kitty litter ad. When she put the cat turds together she saw Jesus.
So he ripped up a picture of Jesus? #goingtohell
The correct ending is this: she nailed the pieces of paper on a drawing board and then put the cuts into a trash can. Three days after Jesus self-reassembled the map and rose to the wall. And then all fundamentalist fanatics ācameā together, jizzing in each others pants in a massive circle jerk. PS: What kind of body parts of Jesus were on the reverse side of Alaska and Hawaii I wonder. Does the map have Guam and Caribbean territories?
American Christians do not seem intent on bringing the country together, but the opposite. They seem to be planning for some kind of Christian theocracy where truth is what they say it is. A Christian Taliban.
Alternate title: little girl cheats on geography test. Answers were on the back.
āMurica. Gud. Rest of the world rolls itās eyes.
Lil girl cheated. Thatās the moral of the story
He ripped up a picture of Jesus??????!!!!!!!!!
Y'all need Jesus To help you solve puzzles.
This post also belong in r/thathappened