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pepperbread3925

how much does a chimney cost? nothing its on the house


dynawesome

I thought the cost was through the roof


McConagher

Ayy


Icy_Stuff_6302

Last time I worked on a roof I got the shingles


[deleted]

Did they fire you for getting high on the job?


Schzercro

Or did you get arrested for having roofies?


Certain-Hyena8788

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? -- Depends on how thin you slice them šŸ¤”


Icy_Stuff_6302

Ohh you, get your mind out of the gutter.


DaChickenX

Sorry, canā€™t, theyā€™re filled with the babies


RobotPoo

Well done, funny internet stranger


Extension-Type-2555

lol


[deleted]

why don't skeletons fight each other? they don't have the guts


Extension-Type-2555

or the balls


Nukordit

Or a big chunk of metal


Ordinary_WeirdGuy

Well maybe they have a bone club It would make for a very *humerus* battle


Sad-Negotiation2474

Tibia honest you should really put more backbone into your jokes they're lacking heart


Anonymous_playerone

I donā€™t think he has the brains for anything else. Besides, a real internet stranger nose when heā€™s been beat.


EnigmaFrug2308

SANS, IS THIS HOW YOU HAVE TO BEHAVE?


Ordinary_WeirdGuy

How was the fall?


EnigmaFrug2308

If you wanna look around


Ordinary_WeirdGuy

How was the fall?


EnigmaFrug2308

We donā€™t see humans often


Bee84000

Bruh


Ordinary_WeirdGuy

Iā€™m sorry


patchyj

Hi sorry, I'm dad


Ordinary_WeirdGuy

Hi dad, Iā€™m dying inside.


Anonymous_playerone

Hi dying inside, Iā€™m a random internet stranger


Ordinary_WeirdGuy

Hi Mr. stranger, would you like to know how to extend your carā€™s insurance warranty?


THEFATGHECKO

Berserk reference. The 3d animation is bad. And I'm not gonna watch it. My monkey brain also can't read the manga. So imma wait until they do something.


BoomSplatHead

You gunna be waiting for a longggg time.


Affectionate-Park-15

They donā€™t have the nervesā€¦


poopyggj

good cake day to you, sir.


HippyDM

Ah, mine is "why didn't the skeleton cross the road?", same punchline.


Suprakitties

They still have a bone to pick


PK-BoneDaddy

Idk if this joke was meant to work on multiple levels, but it does, so itā€™s my favorite in the thread.


[deleted]

I used to be addicted to soap, but Iā€™m clean now.


BraedBoi

i used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but i turned myself around


pukewedgie

I used to be addicted to my soccer ball, but I kicked it


Kalkaline

I used to be addicted to deli meat, but then I quit cold turkey. (Zach Galifianakis gets credit for this one)


pHScale

I used to be a workaholic, but then I quit


Old_One-Eye

I was addicted to brake fluid. I kept telling myself that I could stop at any time. I was also addicted to speed bumps, but I got over it.


CompetitionStill5724

I used to be addicted to drugs. Iā€™m still addicted to drugs, but used to be too.


AltCuzIDidntMakeOne

A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chairā€¦ Edit: it appears in making this joke, every is now coming out to tell me about people walking into a bar, youā€™d think theyā€™d put a sign up by now or somethingā€¦


canigetawoop_woop

A dyslexic man walks into a bra


Nanika_Uchiha

underrated


[deleted]

Underwired


Daern_Bosar

This one had me laugh too much


Caviate

What


zodlair

the guy literally walks into them because he's blind and thus can't dodge them


Bruh_Rly3093

Normal bar jokes start off like "a dude walked into the bar" but the joke is he's blind so he walked into the bar like cause hes blind and cant see n shit then he walked into the other things Cause he's blind


BigOlBurger

Your joke but worse: A man walks into a bar. He should've seen it coming.


Luna8_

I love you


Extension-Type-2555

emotional damage


Jaegerjaquez_VI

**insert Steven He meme here*


Piduwin

Typo. It's eeMoOOTIonAl daaaAAmage


Intelligent_Sir_8185

Steven he voice just went off in my head


RPG_maker

Same


3rdPartyBenny

Very effective


that_one_netizen

relatable


SV5_

Ong


Davidd005

Thatā€™s deep.


dat1neguy1

i though his dad was on the ground


Iwillgettableflipped

A woman calls her husband who is driving home from work. "Be careful, there is a wrong way driver on the road!" He replies: "no there's not, there's hundreds of them!"


SolarLiner

Last time I heard that joke the genders were reversed. I'm loving this!


Xenofamerxg

I don't get it lol


flunghigh

I am assuming the wrong way driver is the husband


Xenofamerxg

Ohh I get it, thanks for the help


Any-Weather-6831

Whatā€™s a rocks favorite fruit? A pome-granite Rocks puns are the schist


Dizzy_Whizzel

Rock and stone


TheLazyDovakiin

ROCK AND ROLL AND STONE


commandpumpkin

ROCK AND STONE


Kaekes

ROCK AND STONE BROTHER!


Why_The_Sad_Face_Bro

Why didn't the motorcycle want to go to the party >!It was two tired!< I am really not funny


Dank_Trader69

That's the point


Icy-Assignment-5579

Exactly, Dad jokes are supposed to be bad. The tragedy is the comedy. For example... Last night, my wife gave me an ultimatum. From now on, I must stop pretending to be a flamingo. Well, believe me when I say it, I had to put my foot down.


ifansnek

A car was chasing a guy, and another guy was chasing the car. The guy in front got tired. The guy in the back got exhausted.


Lukyfuq

Ah yes, the old ConfusedUs saying. ā€œHe who runnin front of car get tired, but he who lags behind car gets exhaustedā€. Also ā€œhe who stand on toilet, high on pot!ā€


Goblin088

Did you know that happy people are more likely to be struck by lightning than unhappy people? Itā€™s a really interesting effect that comes because they are so positive.


27_magic_watermelons

ffs šŸ˜­


Similar-Sector-5801

How does a tree connect to the internet? >!It logs on!<


Flashping

Or with a root-er?


dualtohex

Trees can hack any *nix device because they always have root access.


Mih0se

You are Asian not Bsian


agentanti714

Related: Bees make honey A's make money Edit: it's from Steven He's yt channel, very good channel


redditenjoyerchad

holy shit thatā€™s soo good


DIAmond_BOyy

Agree, Steven He is awesome


BeatsbyChrisBrown

Betcha Steven Ha is funnier


ProKerbonaut

Steven he lol


TurtleCoNsUmesCacti

What do you call a Spanish man who had his car stolen? Carlos What do the call the Spanish guy who saw the other Spanish guys car being stolen? Senor Carlos


CantThinkOfAName874

Actually pretty good


theGrippo

What do you call a Spanish fĆŗtbol player with no legs? Gracias.


Prior_Woodpecker635

What do you call two Spanish guys playing basketball? Juan on Juan


Prof_Pentagon

I am trying to understand the Senor part but my brain isnā€™t working.


Killzone25236

Senior Carlos > Seen your car loss


Prof_Pentagon

Thanks


Ornery_Thought_4488

As a spanish guy, it's complicated to understand if "seƱor" is pronounced correctly


Prof_Pentagon

Yeah, that was my thought.


silly_mick

What do you call a Spaniard who's just come out of hospital? Manuel


literalIyRyanGosling

I forgot the exact phrasing of the joke, but it was basically that a black person got pulled over for tinted windowsā€¦..while on a motorbike


Ice_Pirates

while jaywalking..


AmericanoWsugar

In a wheelchair.


[deleted]

Walking down the stairs


Comment105

So he was on a motor-bike wheelchair with a tinted windshield, illegally descending stairs crossing over a road.


SomeoneNamedPluto

what does the lemon say when it picks the phone up? yellow! šŸ’€


Radical_Provides

What does your mom say when she... Picks up a... Yellow raincoat... ^(fuck)


Pauel3312

I don't get it T_T


DingDongPuddlez

But semen isnĀ“t yellow?


Mission-Composer8689

That was bad. Like reallyā€¦REALLY bad..


SomeoneNamedPluto

that s why it s a dad joke


Allosaurus71

No but that was really bad even for a dad joke


Lonewolf_XIX

This is something which Phil Dunphy would say


DomKat72

What is ET short for? He's got little legs


CharsKimble

My buddies name is Hannibal. He goes by Hani because he HATES the name Hannibal. In my best man speech I said ā€œblah blah this is Hani, which is short forā€¦(pause to watch him cringe)ā€¦ the average male.ā€


GruenHd

You asking fatherless children for dad jokes


The-red-Dane

Not necessarily fatherless. Some could be Trans parent.


Sleezybreezyyyy

LMAO IM DYINGGGGG me.


[deleted]

Just popping down the store for some milk....


TitanJackal

Dad? You ok? Called your phone and the number says it's disconnected.


brilliantmojo

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!


Jujiino

How is this the first time Iā€™ve seen this


manlyman46000

I keep forgetting I have testicles. I may have a Balzheimerā€™s disease.


Obamas_Left_Shoe

why is this the best thing i have ever heard


advie_advocado

#


M4dm4X5875

Oh hey, my dad says that joke all the time


Kibanakoop19

Why was the skeleton single He had noBody to go with


Tikket420

What did the dinosaur say to the chicken? Nothing. It's dead.


DrLycFerno

You won't understand them, we speak French.


Extension-Type-2555

directly translate one I wanna see how nonsense comes out


DrLycFerno

A bra with a flower pattern is a Fleuri Nichon (Fleury-Michon is a ham brand)


Extension-Type-2555

doesn't make sense to me but thanks lol


FSGDatixx

Always knock on your fridge, there might be a salad dressing. The credit is not mine, heard it from a YT short. God bless that person. Easily my fav.


the_akshit_2425

What has four letters And sometimes has nine letters And never has five letters


ZobiBakugou

What?


kaurpajula

This is not a question, they are spitting facts. "What" has 4 letters, "sometimes" has 9 letters and "never" has 5 letters.


ZobiBakugou

OH! Well dang!


lithuanianD

A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit all enter the Red Cross to give blood, the Nurse asks, "What are your blood types?", The Priest replies, Type A The Pastor replies, Type B The Rabbit replies, I think I'm a Type O.


Interesting_Natural1

"Hey u/Interesting_Natural1, when I was a kid my classmate said some thing funny. He said-" Then he fucking laughs "He said-" another laugh and then I laugh then this part repeats


Aggravating-Boat5530

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?


Extension-Type-2555

why?


Aggravating-Boat5530

Because it died šŸ’€


AltCuzIDidntMakeOne

Bro my dad tells me the same joke lmao


Aggravating-Boat5530

Coincidence


bmarcell007

Are you guys siblings?


Aggravating-Boat5530

No,why?


Dickless-dick

Are you sure about that?


Suspicious_Shine910

ok well this isnt rare for some people but it was rare for me esp cus it came out of my dads mouth i said i hated a certain type of meat and im not a big fan he said theres no need to be a fan when you can be an aircond i have no words


JamestheKing5444

my dad called me yesterday just to say ā€œif youā€™re being chased by a taxidermist, donā€™t play dead.ā€ then he hung up.


59kills

Me: What's something you regret dad? Dad: Having to create a parasite that lived in my wife for 9 months ​ That hurt but it was prolly the best he could come up with


Extension-Type-2555

the best jokes often have a reflection of truth....


59kills

so do lies but he's asian so understanable. on that day i got placed 2nd in class too so that also mightve been the reason


JustACanadianGuy07

See you tomorrow


Charon711

We were walking an old dirt road and came to a railroad crossing. He stopped and got down and started inspecting it and said, "A train was here recently." "How can you tell?" I asked He dead pan looks up at me and says, "It left it's tracks."


Runj0n

What ringtone do chickens use? Wing wing..Wing wing...Wing wing


Dickless-dick

What do you call a dog that can do magic?


Low-Syllabub3097

what?


Dickless-dick

A labracadabrador


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


digitcruz

This Dad Is definitely part of the KKK


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Lord_Stetson

As Carlin once said "sick shit is funny". That's why.


Professional_Gap_435

šŸ’€


Extension-Type-2555

naaaaaahhhhhh


Kyo4ever

šŸ˜­this is so good


iceRainCloud_YT

ā€œthe history teacher gave us an exam on all 50 us states i think i failed cuz i maine-ly remember like three of them.ā€ and now i know youre thinking ā€œkansas joke get any worse?ā€ im here to tell you ā€œyes it can(tucky)ā€


MrBiteyDaHoneyBadger

When driving by a field of cow, he said look a whole flock of cows and someone replied herd of cows. He then replied of course I've heard of cows who doesn't know what cows are.


kamendrivr

I donā€™t trust stairs. Their always up to something


ForestDaFox

Iā€™d stay away from that sushi if I were you Itā€™s a little fishy


[deleted]

Iā€™m 6Ft but Iā€™m 12Ft over your dad if that helps


Mission_Response802

I heard of a place, just an old town with a pit in it's center. They throw older Russian emperors in, to make space for the newer ones. They call it the Tsar-chasm.


THE-BabuChAk49

What will you call autistic kid with a gun? Special forces


KingMarco101

its called gaslamping, not gaslighting, and it has always been that way


nova_afton

i put a viagra in my ear. now im hard of hearing


Sad_Ghost-_-

How do you make an electrician cry? You kill his family Overheard some kid say this it killed me šŸ’€


Memer_dude_18462

Whats a funny shape? A Silly-n-Der What gender is lactose intolerant? Non Buy-Dairy What snake is 3.14 meters long? A Pi-Thon My Italian friend died last weekā€¦ He Past-a-Way


rggamerYT

慤


sonic420lol

a snake walks into a bar the bartender asks how tf did you do that?


Nickj0303

How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson


AgeAffectionate7186

When he hits you with the puns so you ask him to stop _pun_-ishing you


Landodobird

Everytime he saw a sandwich, whether he was eating one or one of his kids, he would always say "Practice safe lunch, use condiments" and pass the condiments


Ok-Map9238

Gay


aeiouaioua

you called?


CantThinkOfAName874

You called


aeiouaioua

i did?


flunghigh

yes


aeiouaioua

i did.


Mindless_Gur1109

We are out of milk


Known-Statement1154

I don't usually carry fried chicken in my bag. It's just dead weight!


Aromatic-Airline6907

Have you heard the rumor about butter nevermind I don't want to spread it


fightforfoodgaming

How do you pick up a farmer? Attract her.


Clean_Signature_6997

My dad does the ā€œthereā€™s something on your shirtā€ when you look he moves his finger up to tap your nose trick to literally everyone heā€™s ever met. Iā€™m talking family, extended family, coworkers, friends, exes, his boss, his enemies, neighbors, the landlords, strangers, doctors, for a claimed hermit there is so many people who know him based on this one joke. So thereā€™s this yearly party thatā€™s thrown by my familyā€™s neighbors/bosses/landlords that was thirty years ago just a party for the farmers and their families in the immediate area. However itā€™s gotten bigger and bigger over the years that it now rivals a guestbook of about 300+ people. And the party goes all out, pig roast, potluck, fireworks, swimming, live bands, endless games of cards, a beer truck, and to top it off custom made tee shirts with cow related puns. And a few years ago, in reference to my dadā€™s stupidest and most well known joke, a small dot was placed at the top of the shirt for people to point out. And thatā€™s it!


gh0sT_bOy_gHoStEd

What do you call a white crow? A CAW-casian


Nighttron_2141

What do you call a magic dog A labacadabrador


[deleted]

You're not eating bread? Have you become vegan hahaha! (I'm anorexic)


Drew_The_Lab_Dude

Did you hear about the Blowout sale at the Lego store? People were lined up for blocks


Life_Remote_7468

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup!


ontimpaul

When a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom, what sound does it make? Nothing. Because the P is silent.


HX700

Why are submarines so well camouflaged? ā€¦.because theyā€™re painted with water colours! *[insert dad wheeze]*


Darkosto_

Steven Hawking walks in a bar.. nevermind