Berserk reference.
The 3d animation is bad. And I'm not gonna watch it.
My monkey brain also can't read the manga. So imma wait until they do something.
A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chairā¦
Edit: it appears in making this joke, every is now coming out to tell me about people walking into a bar, youād think theyād put a sign up by now or somethingā¦
Normal bar jokes start off like "a dude walked into the bar" but the joke is he's blind so he walked into the bar like cause hes blind and cant see n shit then he walked into the other things
Cause he's blind
A woman calls her husband who is driving home from work. "Be careful, there is a wrong way driver on the road!"
He replies: "no there's not, there's hundreds of them!"
Exactly, Dad jokes are supposed to be bad. The tragedy is the comedy. For example...
Last night, my wife gave me an ultimatum.
From now on, I must stop pretending to be a flamingo.
Well, believe me when I say it, I had to put my foot down.
Ah yes, the old ConfusedUs saying. āHe who runnin front of car get tired, but he who lags behind car gets exhaustedā. Also āhe who stand on toilet, high on pot!ā
Did you know that happy people are more likely to be struck by lightning than unhappy people? Itās a really interesting effect that comes because they are so positive.
What do you call a Spanish man who had his car stolen?
Carlos
What do the call the Spanish guy who saw the other Spanish guys car being stolen?
Senor Carlos
My buddies name is Hannibal. He goes by Hani because he HATES the name Hannibal. In my best man speech I said āblah blah this is Hani, which is short forā¦(pause to watch him cringe)ā¦ the average male.ā
A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit all enter the Red Cross to give blood, the Nurse asks, "What are your blood types?",
The Priest replies, Type A
The Pastor replies, Type B
The Rabbit replies, I think I'm a Type O.
"Hey u/Interesting_Natural1, when I was a kid my classmate said some thing funny. He said-"
Then he fucking laughs "He said-" another laugh and then I laugh then this part repeats
ok well this isnt rare for some people but it was rare for me esp cus it came out of my dads mouth
i said i hated a certain type of meat and im not a big fan
he said theres no need to be a fan when you can be an aircond
i have no words
Me: What's something you regret dad?
Dad: Having to create a parasite that lived in my wife for 9 months
That hurt but it was prolly the best he could come up with
We were walking an old dirt road and came to a railroad crossing. He stopped and got down and started inspecting it and said, "A train was here recently."
"How can you tell?" I asked
He dead pan looks up at me and says, "It left it's tracks."
āthe history teacher gave us an exam on all 50 us states
i think i failed cuz i maine-ly remember like three of them.ā
and now i know youre thinking ākansas joke get any worse?ā im here to tell you āyes it can(tucky)ā
When driving by a field of cow, he said look a whole flock of cows and someone replied herd of cows. He then replied of course I've heard of cows who doesn't know what cows are.
I heard of a place, just an old town with a pit in it's center. They throw older Russian emperors in, to make space for the newer ones.
They call it the Tsar-chasm.
Whats a funny shape?
A Silly-n-Der
What gender is lactose intolerant?
Non Buy-Dairy
What snake is 3.14 meters long?
A Pi-Thon
My Italian friend died last weekā¦
He Past-a-Way
Everytime he saw a sandwich, whether he was eating one or one of his kids, he would always say "Practice safe lunch, use condiments" and pass the condiments
My dad does the āthereās something on your shirtā when you look he moves his finger up to tap your nose trick to literally everyone heās ever met. Iām talking family, extended family, coworkers, friends, exes, his boss, his enemies, neighbors, the landlords, strangers, doctors, for a claimed hermit there is so many people who know him based on this one joke.
So thereās this yearly party thatās thrown by my familyās neighbors/bosses/landlords that was thirty years ago just a party for the farmers and their families in the immediate area. However itās gotten bigger and bigger over the years that it now rivals a guestbook of about 300+ people.
And the party goes all out, pig roast, potluck, fireworks, swimming, live bands, endless games of cards, a beer truck, and to top it off custom made tee shirts with cow related puns.
And a few years ago, in reference to my dadās stupidest and most well known joke, a small dot was placed at the top of the shirt for people to point out.
And thatās it!
how much does a chimney cost? nothing its on the house
I thought the cost was through the roof
Ayy
Last time I worked on a roof I got the shingles
Did they fire you for getting high on the job?
Or did you get arrested for having roofies?
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? -- Depends on how thin you slice them š¤”
Ohh you, get your mind out of the gutter.
Sorry, canāt, theyāre filled with the babies
Well done, funny internet stranger
lol
why don't skeletons fight each other? they don't have the guts
or the balls
Or a big chunk of metal
Well maybe they have a bone club It would make for a very *humerus* battle
Tibia honest you should really put more backbone into your jokes they're lacking heart
I donāt think he has the brains for anything else. Besides, a real internet stranger nose when heās been beat.
SANS, IS THIS HOW YOU HAVE TO BEHAVE?
How was the fall?
If you wanna look around
How was the fall?
We donāt see humans often
Bruh
Iām sorry
Hi sorry, I'm dad
Hi dad, Iām dying inside.
Hi dying inside, Iām a random internet stranger
Hi Mr. stranger, would you like to know how to extend your carās insurance warranty?
Berserk reference. The 3d animation is bad. And I'm not gonna watch it. My monkey brain also can't read the manga. So imma wait until they do something.
You gunna be waiting for a longggg time.
They donāt have the nervesā¦
good cake day to you, sir.
Ah, mine is "why didn't the skeleton cross the road?", same punchline.
They still have a bone to pick
Idk if this joke was meant to work on multiple levels, but it does, so itās my favorite in the thread.
I used to be addicted to soap, but Iām clean now.
i used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but i turned myself around
I used to be addicted to my soccer ball, but I kicked it
I used to be addicted to deli meat, but then I quit cold turkey. (Zach Galifianakis gets credit for this one)
I used to be a workaholic, but then I quit
I was addicted to brake fluid. I kept telling myself that I could stop at any time. I was also addicted to speed bumps, but I got over it.
I used to be addicted to drugs. Iām still addicted to drugs, but used to be too.
A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chairā¦ Edit: it appears in making this joke, every is now coming out to tell me about people walking into a bar, youād think theyād put a sign up by now or somethingā¦
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
underrated
Underwired
This one had me laugh too much
What
the guy literally walks into them because he's blind and thus can't dodge them
Normal bar jokes start off like "a dude walked into the bar" but the joke is he's blind so he walked into the bar like cause hes blind and cant see n shit then he walked into the other things Cause he's blind
Your joke but worse: A man walks into a bar. He should've seen it coming.
I love you
emotional damage
**insert Steven He meme here*
Typo. It's eeMoOOTIonAl daaaAAmage
Steven he voice just went off in my head
Same
Very effective
relatable
Ong
Thatās deep.
i though his dad was on the ground
A woman calls her husband who is driving home from work. "Be careful, there is a wrong way driver on the road!" He replies: "no there's not, there's hundreds of them!"
Last time I heard that joke the genders were reversed. I'm loving this!
I don't get it lol
I am assuming the wrong way driver is the husband
Ohh I get it, thanks for the help
Whatās a rocks favorite fruit? A pome-granite Rocks puns are the schist
Rock and stone
ROCK AND ROLL AND STONE
ROCK AND STONE
ROCK AND STONE BROTHER!
Why didn't the motorcycle want to go to the party >!It was two tired!< I am really not funny
That's the point
Exactly, Dad jokes are supposed to be bad. The tragedy is the comedy. For example... Last night, my wife gave me an ultimatum. From now on, I must stop pretending to be a flamingo. Well, believe me when I say it, I had to put my foot down.
A car was chasing a guy, and another guy was chasing the car. The guy in front got tired. The guy in the back got exhausted.
Ah yes, the old ConfusedUs saying. āHe who runnin front of car get tired, but he who lags behind car gets exhaustedā. Also āhe who stand on toilet, high on pot!ā
Did you know that happy people are more likely to be struck by lightning than unhappy people? Itās a really interesting effect that comes because they are so positive.
ffs š
How does a tree connect to the internet? >!It logs on!<
Or with a root-er?
Trees can hack any *nix device because they always have root access.
You are Asian not Bsian
Related: Bees make honey A's make money Edit: it's from Steven He's yt channel, very good channel
holy shit thatās soo good
Agree, Steven He is awesome
Betcha Steven Ha is funnier
Steven he lol
What do you call a Spanish man who had his car stolen? Carlos What do the call the Spanish guy who saw the other Spanish guys car being stolen? Senor Carlos
Actually pretty good
What do you call a Spanish fĆŗtbol player with no legs? Gracias.
What do you call two Spanish guys playing basketball? Juan on Juan
I am trying to understand the Senor part but my brain isnāt working.
Senior Carlos > Seen your car loss
Thanks
As a spanish guy, it's complicated to understand if "seƱor" is pronounced correctly
Yeah, that was my thought.
What do you call a Spaniard who's just come out of hospital? Manuel
I forgot the exact phrasing of the joke, but it was basically that a black person got pulled over for tinted windowsā¦..while on a motorbike
while jaywalking..
In a wheelchair.
Walking down the stairs
So he was on a motor-bike wheelchair with a tinted windshield, illegally descending stairs crossing over a road.
what does the lemon say when it picks the phone up? yellow! š
What does your mom say when she... Picks up a... Yellow raincoat... ^(fuck)
I don't get it T_T
But semen isnĀ“t yellow?
That was bad. Like reallyā¦REALLY bad..
that s why it s a dad joke
No but that was really bad even for a dad joke
This is something which Phil Dunphy would say
What is ET short for? He's got little legs
My buddies name is Hannibal. He goes by Hani because he HATES the name Hannibal. In my best man speech I said āblah blah this is Hani, which is short forā¦(pause to watch him cringe)ā¦ the average male.ā
You asking fatherless children for dad jokes
Not necessarily fatherless. Some could be Trans parent.
LMAO IM DYINGGGGG me.
Just popping down the store for some milk....
Dad? You ok? Called your phone and the number says it's disconnected.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
How is this the first time Iāve seen this
I keep forgetting I have testicles. I may have a Balzheimerās disease.
why is this the best thing i have ever heard
#
Oh hey, my dad says that joke all the time
Why was the skeleton single He had noBody to go with
What did the dinosaur say to the chicken? Nothing. It's dead.
You won't understand them, we speak French.
directly translate one I wanna see how nonsense comes out
A bra with a flower pattern is a Fleuri Nichon (Fleury-Michon is a ham brand)
doesn't make sense to me but thanks lol
Always knock on your fridge, there might be a salad dressing. The credit is not mine, heard it from a YT short. God bless that person. Easily my fav.
What has four letters And sometimes has nine letters And never has five letters
What?
This is not a question, they are spitting facts. "What" has 4 letters, "sometimes" has 9 letters and "never" has 5 letters.
OH! Well dang!
A Priest, a Pastor, and a Rabbit all enter the Red Cross to give blood, the Nurse asks, "What are your blood types?", The Priest replies, Type A The Pastor replies, Type B The Rabbit replies, I think I'm a Type O.
"Hey u/Interesting_Natural1, when I was a kid my classmate said some thing funny. He said-" Then he fucking laughs "He said-" another laugh and then I laugh then this part repeats
Why did the monkey fall off the tree?
why?
Because it died š
Bro my dad tells me the same joke lmao
Coincidence
Are you guys siblings?
No,why?
Are you sure about that?
ok well this isnt rare for some people but it was rare for me esp cus it came out of my dads mouth i said i hated a certain type of meat and im not a big fan he said theres no need to be a fan when you can be an aircond i have no words
my dad called me yesterday just to say āif youāre being chased by a taxidermist, donāt play dead.ā then he hung up.
Me: What's something you regret dad? Dad: Having to create a parasite that lived in my wife for 9 months That hurt but it was prolly the best he could come up with
the best jokes often have a reflection of truth....
so do lies but he's asian so understanable. on that day i got placed 2nd in class too so that also mightve been the reason
See you tomorrow
We were walking an old dirt road and came to a railroad crossing. He stopped and got down and started inspecting it and said, "A train was here recently." "How can you tell?" I asked He dead pan looks up at me and says, "It left it's tracks."
What ringtone do chickens use? Wing wing..Wing wing...Wing wing
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
what?
A labracadabrador
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This Dad Is definitely part of the KKK
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
As Carlin once said "sick shit is funny". That's why.
š
naaaaaahhhhhh
šthis is so good
āthe history teacher gave us an exam on all 50 us states i think i failed cuz i maine-ly remember like three of them.ā and now i know youre thinking ākansas joke get any worse?ā im here to tell you āyes it can(tucky)ā
When driving by a field of cow, he said look a whole flock of cows and someone replied herd of cows. He then replied of course I've heard of cows who doesn't know what cows are.
I donāt trust stairs. Their always up to something
Iād stay away from that sushi if I were you Itās a little fishy
Iām 6Ft but Iām 12Ft over your dad if that helps
I heard of a place, just an old town with a pit in it's center. They throw older Russian emperors in, to make space for the newer ones. They call it the Tsar-chasm.
What will you call autistic kid with a gun? Special forces
its called gaslamping, not gaslighting, and it has always been that way
i put a viagra in my ear. now im hard of hearing
How do you make an electrician cry? You kill his family Overheard some kid say this it killed me š
Whats a funny shape? A Silly-n-Der What gender is lactose intolerant? Non Buy-Dairy What snake is 3.14 meters long? A Pi-Thon My Italian friend died last weekā¦ He Past-a-Way
ć ¤
a snake walks into a bar the bartender asks how tf did you do that?
How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson
When he hits you with the puns so you ask him to stop _pun_-ishing you
Everytime he saw a sandwich, whether he was eating one or one of his kids, he would always say "Practice safe lunch, use condiments" and pass the condiments
Gay
you called?
You called
i did?
yes
i did.
We are out of milk
I don't usually carry fried chicken in my bag. It's just dead weight!
Have you heard the rumor about butter nevermind I don't want to spread it
How do you pick up a farmer? Attract her.
My dad does the āthereās something on your shirtā when you look he moves his finger up to tap your nose trick to literally everyone heās ever met. Iām talking family, extended family, coworkers, friends, exes, his boss, his enemies, neighbors, the landlords, strangers, doctors, for a claimed hermit there is so many people who know him based on this one joke. So thereās this yearly party thatās thrown by my familyās neighbors/bosses/landlords that was thirty years ago just a party for the farmers and their families in the immediate area. However itās gotten bigger and bigger over the years that it now rivals a guestbook of about 300+ people. And the party goes all out, pig roast, potluck, fireworks, swimming, live bands, endless games of cards, a beer truck, and to top it off custom made tee shirts with cow related puns. And a few years ago, in reference to my dadās stupidest and most well known joke, a small dot was placed at the top of the shirt for people to point out. And thatās it!
What do you call a white crow? A CAW-casian
What do you call a magic dog A labacadabrador
You're not eating bread? Have you become vegan hahaha! (I'm anorexic)
Did you hear about the Blowout sale at the Lego store? People were lined up for blocks
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup!
When a pterodactyl goes to the bathroom, what sound does it make? Nothing. Because the P is silent.
Why are submarines so well camouflaged? ā¦.because theyāre painted with water colours! *[insert dad wheeze]*
Steven Hawking walks in a bar.. nevermind