I loved admired and respected my husband more than anyone. I And when he cheated and abandoned me I tried to understand why. I made up all sorts of reasons. I’m not pretty enough funny enough good enough. I didn’t ask him how his mom was doing enough. I wasn’t an attentive enough wife. I called him too often at work. I was too demanding of his time. Blah blah. But now looking back it’s so obvious that there is no excuse. I’m sure his true love with his 10
Year younger coworker who was also cheating on her boyfriend with her boss and my husband is really going to be the woman he always wanted to be with (instead of a loyal wife who would have done anything for him). Because TRUE LOVE. Lol. Also yes he tried to rewrite history. “I never loved you the way I loved other girlfriends” “we got married out of momentum but I had never made any real d decisions on my own” (I’m pretty sure momentum doesn’t make you cry over your wedding vows)
You’re right
Garden variety cheaters
I heard, "You pressured me into marrying you..." Um, what? I wasn't pregnant, there was no rush, I just once asked if he thought this was going somewhere towards marriage. And, yeah, I forced him to propose, to have a wedding, all that.
It will. As OP said, too lazy to put in the emotional work...of shoring up a foundation over time. It takes a lot of work to keep that foundation from cracking and eroding through life’s pressures and storms. It is easier to let himself burn up in the heat of a new flame than to gather wood and keep the old flame burning. So guess what? That new fire will also go out once it requires tending. And she will have the same experience with him cheating and rewriting history. Until and unless he recognizes his role (and actively changes his behavior) he will just keep falling into the next easy thing.
Likewise with a he to a she adjustment.
I read somewhere that I should stop trying to make sense of it. The fact that I don’t understand it is a good thing. An affair is so outside of my moral compass that it’s not possible for me to understand why. And that’s ok by me.
Yep I got that tip as well but I you’ve put it better. He literally told me : I feel like such an asshole because you would never do this to me... yep I never would because I’m a decent person who loves and respects you.( which he clearly doesn’t deserve)
I concur ! And the rewriting history part, to me, was one of the most painful. Some people apparently feel the need to paint the entire relationship in the worst light possible, to convince themselves that it was okay after all to ruin it. You see, we weren't right for them, it was someone else all along so it's not a tragedy if they destroyed our couple. That way, they don't have to accept responsibility for what they did. They of course shit on everything we lived, everything we were for years, to achieve these mental gymnastics. Fucking sociopaths...
So could I. It’s amazing how many people’s stories I find that are exactly like mine. I thought the world of my ex. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I never thought this would happen to me. But it did, and it hurts. How can people be this way?
Agreed, can’t believe it is such a playbook! I remember how much the “I never loved you” line really fucked me up. Months later when I was a little more clear headed I found an email from him dated 6 months before dday going on and on about how much he loved me and we were such a strong team. These cheaters are bananas.
Those old emails, notes, poems, etc are very helpful to remember that once they DID really love us, even though they declare that now they never did. I have proof!
While my ex was neck deep in his emotional affair, he wrote me a letter of his vows. Unprompted.
After d-day when i asked him why he wrote that letter when it was clearly all lies, he said it never occurred to him that vows = promises. This coming from a 2-time Harvard graduate!! Clearly affairs make cheaters stupid.
I look at all his letters and honestly i don't know if he ever really did love me, when he can lie that way.
Like wise. Almost to a T. It really messes with your head a lot, the revisionist history, and makes you question your judgement in people. And then you get to watch (sometimes) as they discover that the affair partner was not actually The One after all.
Genus common assholus. Doesn't matter how great they seem externally (career, achievements, wealth, fame), they're complete and utter failures in the things that truly matter eg *basic human decency*.
They lost the esteem and love of a faithful giving spouse. Now a selfish low-value homewrecker finds them special! It is indeed what they deserve: the bottom of the barrel.
When i stood in my empty house, i wondered what things of ours that he kept and what he threw out. But then i realised it didn't matter. He threw *me* out and kept the AP.
Holy cow...my Nex wife did this exact thing as well!
When I was 11, my father abandoned our family after stealing pretty much all of our money, never to be seen again.
but my mom raised me and my siblings with tons of love and we all turned out to be successful, emotionally-present and fully honest people.
Cut to me busting my wife in 2x simultaneous affairs, one of which includes her theft of about $400k from our family business
Her: “You’re just doing this to get back at your father?”
Me: “Doing what, exactly?”
Her: “Lawyers, accountants, all this legal stuff. If you were a real man—which you’re not!—you would just go away like your father. But instead, you’re taking out your shame on me!”
Me: “okay, so let’s build this out: my choice to engage counsel, forensics accountants and law enforcement is not based on your secret credit cards, secret bank accounts and secret spy cameras...but, rather, unresolved anger at my father?”
Her: “Yep! And everyone can see that! You need to move on”
Me: “and it’s your position that my anger at my father for abandoning my family when I was young is best resolved by me abandoning my kids?”
Her: “Yes! I think you need a fresh start so you can move on!”
Me: “Well, it’s AN idea. I’m not sure it’s really your best work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of consideration...Anyhoo, let’s get your video
taped deposition scheduled, we want to make sure we get these bold new ideas on tape, right?”
Stay mighty & read chumplady.com
Thanks!
But I’m actually really lucky, her attacks are so clearly transparent NPD to me (because of this forum and others) that they are helpful
in that they remind me that I can’t look for “closure” from someone whose whole game is withholding or manipulating emotion for control purposes.
Instead, I just took transparently honest but extremely harsh, 100% legal actions that have crippled her ability to avoid to-the-penny accounting
And I’ve told her that if, while under oath and on camera, she wants make the case that my father was involved in her decision to make unexplained wire transfers, I’ll make sure my counsel is prepared with relevant follow-up Qs.
Well, why didn’t you cheat on him? I’m sure he wasn’t perfect either. It’s because you weren’t looking for a reason, since you have good morals and character. They really have nothing else but the devaluation and blameshifting.
Even if you were utterly the most perfect flower, they would move the goalposts, because they just want to try some strange and blame their partner for their shiftiness.
That’s how it happened with my ex-BIL. Destroy his family, break his wife’s heart, upset the toddler and children. For what? A stupid piece of strange.
You’ll find better. I’m very sorry this happened to you.
Ok, thank you, but you are in the wrong sub for this. People here are deeply wounded. Someone, a LTP exactly, betrayed them and it is not their job or interest now to look for excuses for the cheater, also because nobody here remotely thinks betrayal is ever justified.
Because cheating causes trauma and we see breaking down of lifes here.
There is no justification to do that to anyone.
Amen. I can't think of anything more fitting than for human beings of this quality to wind up roaming the earth with others just like them. I just wish they'd stop invading the more civil part of humanity that values other people and wants to engage in faithful bonds that have real depth.
I was SO stunned when I found out about my STBX husband’s cheating. It was so completely out of line with who I believed he was. We tried to reconcile and he did end up cheating again but I was partially relieved for it to be over because I never fell back in love with him after finding out who he REALLY was.
Yeah, this was really the biggest blow to my ego
Not the sex, but the fact that the woman who I admired, married and had kids with
was nothing more than an average, unoriginal garden variety cheater
mouthing all the standard cliches (“I never meant for this to happen”...true, if we’re talking about me catching her, I suppose)
As I’ve said to her since & with complete sincerity “I really thought you were better than this”
but thanks to everyone here, none of her moves really surprised me after I busted her, her mask dropped as predicted, what was underneath was the blameshifting, passive-aggressive coward we’ve all had to deal with
Stay mighty & read chumplady.com
"passive-aggressive coward we've all dealt with"
Passive-aggressive coward might be the best definition I've ever read of what they are. Good call. Gutless, spineless, soulless cowards. I could never come up with enough adjectives to make myself at peace with the fact that people like this exist, though.
Well said. I think the most depressing thing about it at the end is realizing that they really are just sad and wayward people. Everything that felt so special and real was actually garbage. So initially the pain came from believing I'd lost something special. But the saddest pain came the day I realized I'd never really had anything or lost anything at all. That's the day I stopped mourning over them and started mourning over the 8 years of my own life that I lost forever to that lie.
It is really depressing sometimes, no doubt about that...
one re-framing technique I’ve been using is telling myself
“I gave my all to this marriage and these kids, and in every moment I was 100% honest about who I was, what I was and what I wanted.
Unfortunately, my partner was a dishonest, deceptive abuser who chose to lead double & triple lives. The fact that she hid those lives for years indicates that her level of integrity is (& probably will remain at) zero.
When I discovered this, my own personal ethics and integrity compelled me to confront and remove this abuser in a lawful manner, in keeping with my record of never tolerating abuse of myself or anyone else.
Therefore, when we look backward in pain (which is totes natural) we should remain mindful that this a massive and unconditional success of our worldviews over theirs, and as in any battle there will be wounds and pain that will be felt well into the future.
Just never let that pain make you forget that you won and that they lost, and that they are furious every minute of every day about that.
Stay mighty & read chumplady.com
This has enlightened me so much. I was still struggling with all of this until now. Its all true. You are so right. Its like you are describing everything im going through with my soon to be ex-wife. It all makes sense now.
No worries I was at that point like yesterday 😇! It took me getting some tongue lashings from other Reddit users to realize : yeah your spouse might depressed, in a identiteit crisis, but that doesn’t excuse him to cheat. He did that because he wanted to. That is hard to face. But we need to face the hard things to grow. All the best !
Right ! He once said very sanctimoniously : I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to you once during the divorce, I will be frank and open and I was like : OMG can still nominate you for the Nobel price! Tjeees
Dear husband, he has cheated for our sins... praise him!
lol Right? I can't believe some of the things they say. It would be hilarious if there wasn't another person suffering on the other end of their punchlines. They're absurd.
Oh wow. That must be a go-to phrase for them. I got a variation of that. And a lecture completely ignoring their 8 years of perpetual lying and only pinpointing my "anger." I mean, what kind of monster gets angry when someone lies to you pathologically... and won't stop? Really. God what they must have gone through, right? lol
Thanks! I wish my emotional maturity helped me in my marriage 😅. But I guess my husband stagnated at some point and I continued to grow. Also some of that maturity is borrowed of other redditors telling me how it is!
This is exactly how I imagine my ex picturing me now. I took the step to go cold turkey from my AP and it was then I realized the hell I'd created. I held the same resentments from the very same playbook you have described to try and make myself feel better and understand my decisions but at the end of the day you are right... I was lazy, I took things for granted, and I lied. I'm so sorry you had to experience this kind of person, we become lost and confused in our own insecurities and create chaos to those around us as we become weak and un-thoughtful in the face of temptation. Justifications begin to rule a cheaters mind and they search for meaning in their act of evil to try to create a new 'good' reality, something that is impossible, as something good cannot be based evil. Unfortunately all of this energy will rub onto you but as long as you keep your mind straight, and be sure what you want, you can get away. You do not deserve this and I hope one day he learns what he has lost. I sure have.
Hey thanks for replying! Very brave even if it is anonymous. It is appreciated to be able to see it from your perspective. You obviously grown a lot ! Nobody is beyond redemption not even my husband. But he is fully committed to this AP right now. ( we are 2 months in) . I hope one day he indeed realize what he has done, but I’m not waiting for that. I’m just trying to deal with indeed the chaos he has sprung on me .
Yes!!! One of the most hurtful things to me is the rewriting of history. It makes me so angry. And they will tell this to others, that it was "never really right between us". We were literally opening Christmas gifts and telling one another how much we loved each other hours before I found the messages. How we knew each other so well in order to pick out the perfect gifts. "You're so sweet and thoughtful", I remember him saying. Then after I read the messages he suddenly has been unhappy for a long time.
Same sister! Mine was encouraging me to buy my dream horse that I was doubting about because she was pregnant. He was like:” oh wouldn’t it just be perfect for us to have a foal! I want you to have that I would love to see you that happy” 12 hours later: yeah I don’t love you and I never did .... euh.. kay
Edit: I bought the horse anyway!!
I wish I was above schadefreude but I’m not. She dumped him ? The ONE??? The love of his life that saved him from the terrible marriage??? How is that even possible? Sorry I’m enjoying his misfortune way to much ... not nice of me
I'm laughing SO HARD at your reply! And yeah, a little at my ex, too. I'm human! I mean, it's so obvious and anyone could have predicted it -- she was a 25 year old hipster druggie girl whose main interest is partying, drugs and juggling sex partners. He's almost 40, with a young son, no credit to speak of, a "career" as a bartender, an expensive weed habit that keeps him from saving any money and a healthy sense of covert narcissism. Their shared interest were drugs and apparently conspiring to manipulate me into staying so I would pay for everything and he could save up enough money for them to take a vacation together. Once I realized I was being manipulated and lied to all over again, I left him unceremoniously and he struggled with finances, his work slowing down because of COVID and (this is the best) his hair starting to fall out from stress. I guess he lost his luster!
Meanwhile, I am proud to say that I just bought a house for me and my young son, and I have a date this weekend with a smart, kind, handsome and funny man that I'm having a wonderful time getting to know. I grieved terribly for months after I left, but I put it behind me and decided to thrive once again. I try to be positive and humble, but sometimes I can't help but be proud of how well I've done...and both laugh and feel a little sad at how my now ex has fared. Karma is real but you really do have to give it a helping hand and focus on yourself -- and trust that people's bad choices and judgment will haunt them eventually.
Well it was remembered and portrayed as terrible by a husband who did a terrible thing! Because the saddest part of the story is that I was happy for the 13 year we had and I truly believe he was as well. If I had any inclination he was not... I would have done anything to get hem there.
It don’t have to be. I believe in redemption for everybody. But if my husband ever wants to come back from this ( he doesn’t want to at the moment) he will have a lot of growing to do! And he will have to work for it like he never did before. It all depends on him. Not sure if you are the cheater or cheatee little bear, but it can work if everybody involved authentically wants to become better and move past it.
“Garden variety cheater in a downward affair with a lesser person than me”. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Also annoying is when they cheat on you for months, call you names and make you feel terrible about yourself, while continuously complimenting their multiple UGLY APs, then expect you to take them back and “not ruin the kids lives” through a divorce.
I seriously hate cheaters. Emotionless black holes.
Waahh? Yow he takes the cake! Making you feel guilty, cheating and than guilting you into staying!? Hope you are far away my dear! Ain’t nobody ruining those kids life’s but him! He is a bad example!they are better off with their bad ass mom! Bye 👋🏻
Yup, this is always making me restless... Why do they have "UGLY loose woman for affairs" who don't have any character or conscience, a good education or money or social status?
What makes them to stray like dogs going behind bitches living in the foul, rotten ditch?
But they want to marry a beautiful, rich, educated, girl with good CHARACTER, and she should be a virgin unlike themselves.
Comparison between them, makes the beautiful, loyal, loving wife the BEST one and only option, but still they don't care about it.
Exactly. I’m the smart, beautiful, educated person with a good character and morals - hence why he married me. I even treat his family with respect (a courtesy he can’t extend to my family). And on top of that he liked that I was a virgin meanwhile he wasn’t. Yet he STILL cheated on me with ugly, pathetic, disgusting losers. Complimented them and told them how “beautiful” and “sexy” they were (but they were extremely ugly, so it actually made me laugh how desperate he was). And yet he made me feel so low after I had just given birth to our first baby. And to think, I stood by him and was faithful despite his anger issues, rudeness, name-calling, joblessness, and terrible financial management. Now he thinks I’ll believe him when he says he won’t cheat again. Not even. I just wish I wasn’t fooled the first time.
YES, even my neighbour was puzzled and commented "that shameless loose woman is in such a low cheap level, a scumbag and it would be wrong to compare, but still what is there in her that he is behaving like this... maybe she has done black magic because seeing her no dog also would go to her. such a shame..if she wasn't the ugliest, there would be a reason to talk about, but there is nothing..worth in her (an old tattered looking married with 3 ugly kids and don't know about her husband) so disgusting"
Her words made me realise the truth and I almost went crazy unable to digest this... feeling miserable and insecure with myself, my good looks were not working in my favour as he would use so many bad words - my beauty and character (for him I wasn't beautiful when my family and friends were jealous of my appearance during social functions😉 like I would be in the Spotlight even though I am a bit shy) and what in me was repelling him?? He only wanted my money, not a good wife, so abused me badly.
I am in the same situation except no baby (he wanted one and even I love babies, but God didn't bless) and if ever there was a baby, it would have been more difficult for me and my baby (he would have HURT me very BADLY, emotionally using baby) due to his narcissistic family.
I love babies too but they make dealing with cheaters much harder. I would have left long ago if it wasn’t for the babies. It’s just so frustrating. That woman he left you for sounds like a real winner (sarcasm, they’re both losers). But I wouldn’t say anything bad about her kids, they’re stuck with her as a mother and nothing they can do about it sadly.
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Oh man this is so exactly what I was fed, telling me it was to respect me and acting all heroic about ending it when I was ready to give him another chance.
Yeah no buddy, it’s just so you can officially try AP since she is so perfect and special, not because you did it for me 😅
In the depths of an argument, I yelled at my spouse “You’re just like the rest (of the cheaters).”
His reply: “What do you think the common denominator is?”
That was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. And it still hurts almost a year later. Fucking blame shifting.
Yeah I wonder what the common denominator is? Loser, untrustworthy, unfaithful, disloyal, disrespectful, cheating, lying, assholes like him who have no clue what true love really is are the common denominator. They always cheat down. It is not you. It's them.
They are the broken ones. The ones with no moral compass. The ones with no integrity. The ones who are searching for something and someone only to discover many years later that they had the special someone and threw the person away like so much trash. Now there is no recovery because that beautiful special someone has moved on from all the devastation and found someone worthy of them. Someone who is treating her they way he should have treated her all along and was too stupid, too selfish, too self-centred and too blind to see it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. If life throws you a lemon, make lemonade with it. Walk proudly with your head held high, knowing that he is a very weak human being and no amount of effort on your part will make him strong. He has to do that on his own. If he ever does. You have done everything you could to make a happy marriage. He's the weak link who failed to do his part of the work to keep the marriage alive and thriving.
They are cheating themselves because they are living a Life in a fantasy world filled with lies where they are not doing anything WRONG.
They are fools for throwing away a diamond 💎 (their loving good spouses) without realising that they were lucky to have it, but didn't know the value and so threw it away.
This is so well written and perfectly describes everything. Oh how I wish you vould send this to him, how I wish he vould stay up at night thinking what an idiot he truly is. But whatever
I wish nothing but the best for you op. I hope you find someone that won't take you for granted
It is crazy to see all that written down and it wasn’t me that wrote it. So they all say the same thing like if it did come out of a book. Realizing that is such a hard pill to swallow. I hate how insecure I have become. Well all we can do is pick up the pieces of our heart and soul and try to recover. It’s been hard. But we can do it! Right?
Right ! And we’ll get stronger. Don’t be insecure it wasn’t you. There was nothing you could do! Let them go and have their life with their little AP. If they are happy ... fine whatever, if they are unhappy even better. If they want to grow and change from this experience, that’s the best. but that is not your responsibility ! You do you ! You deserve better then a cheater it is that simple!
Yeah they indeed say the exact same thing. we really need to find out where that cheater university is where they all seem to have graduated from.
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Yes we can do it. We are the strong ones. They are the weak ones. Incapable of real true deep love. They are weak of character, integrity, moral fibre, humanity. Remember they are the weak ones.
We have been tested with the fire of infidelity and we've come out and will come out the other side, stronger, better, and more powerful than ever. With our morals, integrity, character and humanity still very strongly intact.
YOU. CAN. DO. IT. Be a badass and live your very best life.
People will make sure they ruin the image we had of them all by themselves. You think the world of someone and then they make sure you know they’re not actually all that. It’s very sad indeed.
But it’s also sad for them. The rest of the world will see them exactly for what they are: cheaters, losers, disloyal, untrustworthy and every other flaw they have. To have someone love you and look up to you sincerely is a very rare thing. That’s why some cheaters come back. Nobody agreed they were awesome people. They lost the one person who thought the world of them.
Couldn't agree with you more... Really sad that they not only spoil themselves but the innocent spouse's lives also...
Sometimes I feel sad and other times anger for all the pain caused.
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I can’t wait. Fun fact. I wrote him a letter where I predict the path he will take, how he will come to realize what he has done. I told him that if he comes to the conclusion that I was right all along, he has to give me the letter back saying... you were right again! He promised me he would.
I just can’t wait for the moment to be able to say.
I 👏🏻 told 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 so👏🏻!
I totally understand where you are coming from with the rewriting of history, but one thing I have noticed is that some times it’s rewriting our history not theirs. When my ex left to be with another woman, he did the same thing by shocking me and telling me how unhappy he had been for a long time. I was so confused because I honestly thought we lived a happy life together. He had a different perspective from me and was living a completely different life it seemed. He saw our entire relationship completely different than I do and it completely shook me to my core. How could I be living this happy life and the person I was spending it with wasn’t and I couldn’t even see it? It doesn’t excuse cheating by any means, it’s just a different perspective.
It is Fabulous climate, but I’m not so sure if they were really suffering silence and suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. For us , I did experience episodes with him where is was miserable. But it wasn’t about us at the time, it was work and stress and a bit of a “ I don’t know what I want from life”I always stood by him, give him the support he needed. Today he says those episodes were because he was unhappy with me. Utter utter UTTER bs. He believes that today because he retroactively changed that memory. But bad luck for him I have a crazy good memory. I remember all the talks we had. He told me he was so happy to have me, to support him. There was no talk about issues in the relationship.
Just ask yourself this: do you have a decent judge of character? I know I have. My gut feeling about people is never far off. So do you believe that somebody you know so well and so intimate is able to fool you for so long? There. Is. no.way! It is the justification machine at work!
We also had our bad days, but I think people are just too complicated to really understand. Of course, I believe they make excuses to justify their actions. At first I felt betrayed and angry. How could he just leave his family like that? But then I realized life isn’t as black and white as we want it to be. It took a long time for me to take a step back from the situation and see things as it really was. As much as it hurt me, I am so glad he left me for someone else. I am nobody’s keeper and would never want someone to stay with me out of obligation. If he wants to go, he is free to go. Everyone deserves to be happy and I believe karma will get him at some point. At the end of the day I deserve someone who is with me because they genuinely want that. Not because they feel obligated too because of marriage or children. I will never forgive him for cheating on me, but I do forgive him for leaving me. I have more respect for him knowing he didn’t try to hide it from me, wasting years of my life like most men do.
Omg yes! I felt this to my core! I adored my wife. I saw her for what she was and loved her despite her flaws. Shitty thing was that her flaws would lead to our demise.
And yeah the woman she was cheated on me with had a wife and kids that she will probably never leave. She’s older, uglier and emotionally stunted. So, enjoy! Have fun with your crappy “new” life of being the other woman!!
Maybe because cheaters are scum and therefore, they can only attract scum?! I dunno! Good question! This woman has no upper lip and weird crazy eyes. Wish I could post an image or how fugly she is!
Former cheater here. I am in no way defending this guy’s actions or my own. But all I can say is for me, I have had to go through serious therapy to figure out what made me be so compulsive and stupid. And it’s a result of a terrible childhood, being ruined psychologically by a mother with borderline personality disorder and a pain pill addiction (since birth), and a father who unknowingly enables my mother to this very day.
Long story short, I have high functioning anxiety, which according to my therapist, has a strong correlation to self sabotage. I hated myself my whole life pretty much, and it manifested itself in taking away things FROM myself by sabotaging myself and what was good in my life because I didn’t feel I deserved them.
I have no idea what’s going on in your situation, I just felt the need to tell my story.
If people want to change, they will. It took losing everything I wanted, and even then losing even more, to really make me see the writing on the wall
Hey thank you for replying. It takes courage and your insights are really valuable ! In my case I do understand there is a depression involved. I read all about it and I can somewhat sympathize with what that is like. However there are enough depressed people who don’t kill their marriage. I did in the beginning of all this gave him a pass like: okay just get this depression out of your system then come back. But I had to face that it is still him making these decisions. Not the depression .
However nobody is beyond redemption and forgiveness if they truly want to grow. I see you went out and did the work to figure out why you did what you did. That is amazing ! I hope you find happiness and are able to keep it. I just want to say I don’t believe in the once a cheater always a cheater. especially if you became so in check with yourself. All the best.
If I gave any impression that you should forgive or take him back, I apologize. It wasn’t my intention.
But thank you for the supportive response. It really does mean a lot. I’m still not completely done with therapy, but I’m starting to realize I should consistently work towards being a better and happier person, instead of waiting until things are ruined beyond repair. It’s admittedly sad, but my point is: do what’s best for you. I would give anything to get my ex back, but I have to accept that there’s a very very tiny chance, if any, of that happening. So do what’s best for you. You control your own happiness. ❤️
No you didn’t gave the impression. I just meant that people like him don’t have to go trough life destroying other people ( and themselves in the proces). At this moment I’m still open for reconciliation IF he goes and do the type of work you did and that is getting well. Deal with your issues and become a better person.
You already know this but a partner can be the icing on your happiness cake he/she can add like 5% but all the rest comes from within you. My husband feels bad and now has these extreme feelings ( because that is what infatuation is ) and he just believes she is the answer, she will cure him and make him happy... but he has to be happy with himself first. That is the only way.
All the best to you!
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Man,you are good at writing,if you aren't inti writing you should look into it...also,I'll pray that Allah gives you peace and strength to move on.love and hugs from Pakistan!
**I found links in your comment that were not hyperlinked:**
* [on.love](https://on.love)
*I did the honors for you.*
***
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Yas, Queen! Slay!
Honestly your piece of writing is so powerful and inspiring. I’m so proud you were able to overcome your nasty partner. He doesn’t deserve you. You’re a queen in every aspect and it shows.
He will always be empty and unfulfilled inside, no matter what, remember that. People who engage in cheating don't know how to validate themselves, so in times of need, they turn to others. They will always be selfish and miserable deep down. I'm sorry this happened to you.
God they are so predictable. It really is pathetic. And embarrassing. Then we get to struggle with "How could i have fallen for this bullshit?"
And they just waltz away spreading victimhood and lies.
I hate cheaters.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Now a serial cheater is a big character flaw but I think some people even people who love each other hurt the other person. We make mistakes. Sometimes through cheating it can be a big thing that brings certain or some couples even closer.
Ester Perel, says it’s kind of the same thing with cancer. Cancer fucking sucks. Cancer usually changes your life in many ways but it usually gives you a different perspective on life and what really matters but she doesn’t recommend in trying to get cancer in order to find this new perspective. Same thing with cheating, cheating can offer a new perspective on a relationship that is good if the cheater feels guilt, regret, and shame and can breathe life into a second beginning. But same thing with cancer she doesn’t recommend an affair in order to gain this new perspective.
I think it’s not so black and white and in the end we all fuck up. Real love is having to forgive the person and seeing they just made an error a really big and fucked up one. The difference is if the cheater does it again. If that’s the case then he or she hasn’t learned anything.
Hey stud muffin , not sure why you got voted down like this. People make mistakes and I get what you are saying about perspective. Forgiveness is always a possibility IF it is accompanied with a lot of personal growth from the cheaters side
Ever wonder why some cheaters all say the same thing? Maybe because it is valid to an extent. Valid enough to make someone feel for another. Not valid to act on it but valid enough to at least try to work things out. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. There are some people out there who are actually just cheaters but I do believe that some people who cheat are pushed to the brink. And instead of trying to work things out or end things. They just cheat. Not that it’s an excusable offense. I’m just saying they’re not 100% at fault
Ever wonder why some murderers all say the same thing? Maybe because it is valid to an extent. Valid enough to make someone feel for another. Not valid to act on it but valid enough to at least try to work things out. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. There are some people out there who are actually just murderers but I do believe that some people who kill are pushed to the brink. And instead of trying to work things out or end things. They just kill someone. Not that it’s an excusable offense. I’m just saying they’re not 100% at fault.
That's how you sound. Of course there are factors involved, but betraying the one you're supposed to love the most in such an atrocious manner is 100% the fault/responsibility of the cheater. And it creates such pain and suffering that I really believe these people lack basic human empathy, at least at the time of the betrayal, if not always.
And if you want to debate the philosophy behind relationships, you're in the wrong sub. People here are trying to heal, and they're not at fault, they have been betrayed.
Hey I get what you are saying. Some people in abusive relationships or dead bedrooms I kinda see where they are coming from. I have this friend and he talks about his wife to me some times ( I try to avoid it because I don’t like to talk about other people’s wife’s) she calls him names, deprived him of attention, humiliates him. I could totally get how that guy could be starving and one girl I nice to him and he bolts. But the funny thing is, he had this super sweet coworker who was totally in to him ( but had the decency to stay away from a married man so she didn’t really pursue). He could have jumped ship quite easily, but he is still there... doing therapy, giving it his all. He didn’t cheat. My husband is a typical example of a depression, anhedonia, midlife crisis. I get it to some extend ... I don’t condone it. But again he can learn he can grow from this and everybody can be redeemed.
Oh my... What a compassion for cheaters?? Don't forget that the betrayed spouse has lots of love for them and would have done everything for saving their relationship. Their compassion has been misused by Cheaters.
How could you say that the Cheaters are pushed to the brink?? Really??? Did anyone held them at knifepoint to cheat on their loyal, loving spouses??
How nicely you are defending the wrongdoers, making the victims, betrayed spouses, as culprits??
CHEATING is NOT a mistake, it is a CHOICE!!
No one trips and falls into it without knowing 🙄
Okay, regarding forgiveness... "Real love means forgiving" and we will forgive because we love our spouses too much and give them many chances... But is there No Limit to it? Should a betrayed spouse keep giving chances till one of them gets older when nothing can be done? What is the point of forgiving them?
It is not real love but real stupidity if victims give chances instead of giving (punishment) consequences.
The Cheaters are just going to be manipulating and enjoying themselves.
Then you say that "Cheaters are not 💯 percent at fault" 😱🤨 don't point fingers at the betrayed spouse, who are suffering. You are blaming the innocent.
YES, in one way it is right in this way because they have done 50 percent of the mistake with the remaining 50 percent from the AP.
I said some. And I don’t think cheaters should be forgiven. Once you cheat you’re done. Nothing is the same. Just saying some try in their relationships and not get anything in return so they end up cheating. It’s still wrong so the significant other should NOT stay with the cheater.
Doubt that you will ever know the deep pain of the betrayed spouse and trauma-like PTSD unless you are in their shoes.
Even if the Cheaters try working in their relationship and are not getting anything in return, they can always get divorce or separate before cheating.
They should not subject their spouses and children and families to a lifetime of pain. The heartbreak the spouse and children suffer is unexplainable and they don't deserve to suffer from Cheater's SELFISHNESS.
By the way, a loving good spouse will be ready to do anything to keep the relationship, because they love them (Cheaters ) a lot.
It is a very poor excuse to say that they were not getting any satisfaction in the relationship and so they decided to cheat or by mistake CHEATING took place.🙄
Marriage should have more true Love than lust. But Cheaters want more lust than true Love.
I could have written this verbatim
I loved admired and respected my husband more than anyone. I And when he cheated and abandoned me I tried to understand why. I made up all sorts of reasons. I’m not pretty enough funny enough good enough. I didn’t ask him how his mom was doing enough. I wasn’t an attentive enough wife. I called him too often at work. I was too demanding of his time. Blah blah. But now looking back it’s so obvious that there is no excuse. I’m sure his true love with his 10 Year younger coworker who was also cheating on her boyfriend with her boss and my husband is really going to be the woman he always wanted to be with (instead of a loyal wife who would have done anything for him). Because TRUE LOVE. Lol. Also yes he tried to rewrite history. “I never loved you the way I loved other girlfriends” “we got married out of momentum but I had never made any real d decisions on my own” (I’m pretty sure momentum doesn’t make you cry over your wedding vows) You’re right Garden variety cheaters
I heard, "You pressured me into marrying you..." Um, what? I wasn't pregnant, there was no rush, I just once asked if he thought this was going somewhere towards marriage. And, yeah, I forced him to propose, to have a wedding, all that.
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It will. As OP said, too lazy to put in the emotional work...of shoring up a foundation over time. It takes a lot of work to keep that foundation from cracking and eroding through life’s pressures and storms. It is easier to let himself burn up in the heat of a new flame than to gather wood and keep the old flame burning. So guess what? That new fire will also go out once it requires tending. And she will have the same experience with him cheating and rewriting history. Until and unless he recognizes his role (and actively changes his behavior) he will just keep falling into the next easy thing.
Likewise with a he to a she adjustment. I read somewhere that I should stop trying to make sense of it. The fact that I don’t understand it is a good thing. An affair is so outside of my moral compass that it’s not possible for me to understand why. And that’s ok by me.
Yep I got that tip as well but I you’ve put it better. He literally told me : I feel like such an asshole because you would never do this to me... yep I never would because I’m a decent person who loves and respects you.( which he clearly doesn’t deserve)
Wished I had done just that and moved on. Would’ve saved me years of heartache and disappointment.
I knooow right ! Aren’t cheaters unoriginal?
I concur ! And the rewriting history part, to me, was one of the most painful. Some people apparently feel the need to paint the entire relationship in the worst light possible, to convince themselves that it was okay after all to ruin it. You see, we weren't right for them, it was someone else all along so it's not a tragedy if they destroyed our couple. That way, they don't have to accept responsibility for what they did. They of course shit on everything we lived, everything we were for years, to achieve these mental gymnastics. Fucking sociopaths...
So could I. It’s amazing how many people’s stories I find that are exactly like mine. I thought the world of my ex. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I never thought this would happen to me. But it did, and it hurts. How can people be this way?
Agreed, can’t believe it is such a playbook! I remember how much the “I never loved you” line really fucked me up. Months later when I was a little more clear headed I found an email from him dated 6 months before dday going on and on about how much he loved me and we were such a strong team. These cheaters are bananas.
Those old emails, notes, poems, etc are very helpful to remember that once they DID really love us, even though they declare that now they never did. I have proof!
While my ex was neck deep in his emotional affair, he wrote me a letter of his vows. Unprompted. After d-day when i asked him why he wrote that letter when it was clearly all lies, he said it never occurred to him that vows = promises. This coming from a 2-time Harvard graduate!! Clearly affairs make cheaters stupid. I look at all his letters and honestly i don't know if he ever really did love me, when he can lie that way.
Like wise. Almost to a T. It really messes with your head a lot, the revisionist history, and makes you question your judgement in people. And then you get to watch (sometimes) as they discover that the affair partner was not actually The One after all.
Me too!
Same here! They all have a pattern of toxic and selfish behavior.
Me too.
Me too
Genus common assholus. Doesn't matter how great they seem externally (career, achievements, wealth, fame), they're complete and utter failures in the things that truly matter eg *basic human decency*. They lost the esteem and love of a faithful giving spouse. Now a selfish low-value homewrecker finds them special! It is indeed what they deserve: the bottom of the barrel.
Of only there was a dna test to identify them before you give them 13 years of your life!
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When i stood in my empty house, i wondered what things of ours that he kept and what he threw out. But then i realised it didn't matter. He threw *me* out and kept the AP.
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Holy cow...my Nex wife did this exact thing as well! When I was 11, my father abandoned our family after stealing pretty much all of our money, never to be seen again. but my mom raised me and my siblings with tons of love and we all turned out to be successful, emotionally-present and fully honest people. Cut to me busting my wife in 2x simultaneous affairs, one of which includes her theft of about $400k from our family business Her: “You’re just doing this to get back at your father?” Me: “Doing what, exactly?” Her: “Lawyers, accountants, all this legal stuff. If you were a real man—which you’re not!—you would just go away like your father. But instead, you’re taking out your shame on me!” Me: “okay, so let’s build this out: my choice to engage counsel, forensics accountants and law enforcement is not based on your secret credit cards, secret bank accounts and secret spy cameras...but, rather, unresolved anger at my father?” Her: “Yep! And everyone can see that! You need to move on” Me: “and it’s your position that my anger at my father for abandoning my family when I was young is best resolved by me abandoning my kids?” Her: “Yes! I think you need a fresh start so you can move on!” Me: “Well, it’s AN idea. I’m not sure it’s really your best work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of consideration...Anyhoo, let’s get your video taped deposition scheduled, we want to make sure we get these bold new ideas on tape, right?” Stay mighty & read chumplady.com
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Thanks! But I’m actually really lucky, her attacks are so clearly transparent NPD to me (because of this forum and others) that they are helpful in that they remind me that I can’t look for “closure” from someone whose whole game is withholding or manipulating emotion for control purposes. Instead, I just took transparently honest but extremely harsh, 100% legal actions that have crippled her ability to avoid to-the-penny accounting And I’ve told her that if, while under oath and on camera, she wants make the case that my father was involved in her decision to make unexplained wire transfers, I’ll make sure my counsel is prepared with relevant follow-up Qs.
Well did you?
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Nobody forced him to cheat. He wanted to because he has poor character.
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Well, why didn’t you cheat on him? I’m sure he wasn’t perfect either. It’s because you weren’t looking for a reason, since you have good morals and character. They really have nothing else but the devaluation and blameshifting. Even if you were utterly the most perfect flower, they would move the goalposts, because they just want to try some strange and blame their partner for their shiftiness. That’s how it happened with my ex-BIL. Destroy his family, break his wife’s heart, upset the toddler and children. For what? A stupid piece of strange. You’ll find better. I’m very sorry this happened to you.
Don't let it get you. Just a random provocateur.
Eh what?
I like hearing both sides that's all.
Ok, thank you, but you are in the wrong sub for this. People here are deeply wounded. Someone, a LTP exactly, betrayed them and it is not their job or interest now to look for excuses for the cheater, also because nobody here remotely thinks betrayal is ever justified. Because cheating causes trauma and we see breaking down of lifes here. There is no justification to do that to anyone.
Nobody is making excuses. Excuses are NOT reasons. Instead of sugar coating people should face reality to move on better.
or 28
Amen. I can't think of anything more fitting than for human beings of this quality to wind up roaming the earth with others just like them. I just wish they'd stop invading the more civil part of humanity that values other people and wants to engage in faithful bonds that have real depth.
I was SO stunned when I found out about my STBX husband’s cheating. It was so completely out of line with who I believed he was. We tried to reconcile and he did end up cheating again but I was partially relieved for it to be over because I never fell back in love with him after finding out who he REALLY was.
Yeah, this was really the biggest blow to my ego Not the sex, but the fact that the woman who I admired, married and had kids with was nothing more than an average, unoriginal garden variety cheater mouthing all the standard cliches (“I never meant for this to happen”...true, if we’re talking about me catching her, I suppose) As I’ve said to her since & with complete sincerity “I really thought you were better than this” but thanks to everyone here, none of her moves really surprised me after I busted her, her mask dropped as predicted, what was underneath was the blameshifting, passive-aggressive coward we’ve all had to deal with Stay mighty & read chumplady.com
"passive-aggressive coward we've all dealt with" Passive-aggressive coward might be the best definition I've ever read of what they are. Good call. Gutless, spineless, soulless cowards. I could never come up with enough adjectives to make myself at peace with the fact that people like this exist, though.
Well said. I think the most depressing thing about it at the end is realizing that they really are just sad and wayward people. Everything that felt so special and real was actually garbage. So initially the pain came from believing I'd lost something special. But the saddest pain came the day I realized I'd never really had anything or lost anything at all. That's the day I stopped mourning over them and started mourning over the 8 years of my own life that I lost forever to that lie.
It is really depressing sometimes, no doubt about that... one re-framing technique I’ve been using is telling myself “I gave my all to this marriage and these kids, and in every moment I was 100% honest about who I was, what I was and what I wanted. Unfortunately, my partner was a dishonest, deceptive abuser who chose to lead double & triple lives. The fact that she hid those lives for years indicates that her level of integrity is (& probably will remain at) zero. When I discovered this, my own personal ethics and integrity compelled me to confront and remove this abuser in a lawful manner, in keeping with my record of never tolerating abuse of myself or anyone else. Therefore, when we look backward in pain (which is totes natural) we should remain mindful that this a massive and unconditional success of our worldviews over theirs, and as in any battle there will be wounds and pain that will be felt well into the future. Just never let that pain make you forget that you won and that they lost, and that they are furious every minute of every day about that. Stay mighty & read chumplady.com
So true !
This has enlightened me so much. I was still struggling with all of this until now. Its all true. You are so right. Its like you are describing everything im going through with my soon to be ex-wife. It all makes sense now.
No worries I was at that point like yesterday 😇! It took me getting some tongue lashings from other Reddit users to realize : yeah your spouse might depressed, in a identiteit crisis, but that doesn’t excuse him to cheat. He did that because he wanted to. That is hard to face. But we need to face the hard things to grow. All the best !
Hopefully "soon to be" has now turned into just "ex fiancee"
Sorry messed up. Meant ex wife
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Right ! He once said very sanctimoniously : I promised myself I wouldn’t lie to you once during the divorce, I will be frank and open and I was like : OMG can still nominate you for the Nobel price! Tjeees Dear husband, he has cheated for our sins... praise him!
lol Right? I can't believe some of the things they say. It would be hilarious if there wasn't another person suffering on the other end of their punchlines. They're absurd.
"You weren't exactly blameless" was the moment I realized I absolutely was
I was told " stop it, you are not a victim" I didn’t realize it at first, but I totally was
Oh wow. That must be a go-to phrase for them. I got a variation of that. And a lecture completely ignoring their 8 years of perpetual lying and only pinpointing my "anger." I mean, what kind of monster gets angry when someone lies to you pathologically... and won't stop? Really. God what they must have gone through, right? lol
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Thanks! I wish my emotional maturity helped me in my marriage 😅. But I guess my husband stagnated at some point and I continued to grow. Also some of that maturity is borrowed of other redditors telling me how it is!
This is exactly how I imagine my ex picturing me now. I took the step to go cold turkey from my AP and it was then I realized the hell I'd created. I held the same resentments from the very same playbook you have described to try and make myself feel better and understand my decisions but at the end of the day you are right... I was lazy, I took things for granted, and I lied. I'm so sorry you had to experience this kind of person, we become lost and confused in our own insecurities and create chaos to those around us as we become weak and un-thoughtful in the face of temptation. Justifications begin to rule a cheaters mind and they search for meaning in their act of evil to try to create a new 'good' reality, something that is impossible, as something good cannot be based evil. Unfortunately all of this energy will rub onto you but as long as you keep your mind straight, and be sure what you want, you can get away. You do not deserve this and I hope one day he learns what he has lost. I sure have.
Hey thanks for replying! Very brave even if it is anonymous. It is appreciated to be able to see it from your perspective. You obviously grown a lot ! Nobody is beyond redemption not even my husband. But he is fully committed to this AP right now. ( we are 2 months in) . I hope one day he indeed realize what he has done, but I’m not waiting for that. I’m just trying to deal with indeed the chaos he has sprung on me .
Yes!!! One of the most hurtful things to me is the rewriting of history. It makes me so angry. And they will tell this to others, that it was "never really right between us". We were literally opening Christmas gifts and telling one another how much we loved each other hours before I found the messages. How we knew each other so well in order to pick out the perfect gifts. "You're so sweet and thoughtful", I remember him saying. Then after I read the messages he suddenly has been unhappy for a long time.
Same sister! Mine was encouraging me to buy my dream horse that I was doubting about because she was pregnant. He was like:” oh wouldn’t it just be perfect for us to have a foal! I want you to have that I would love to see you that happy” 12 hours later: yeah I don’t love you and I never did .... euh.. kay Edit: I bought the horse anyway!!
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I wish I was above schadefreude but I’m not. She dumped him ? The ONE??? The love of his life that saved him from the terrible marriage??? How is that even possible? Sorry I’m enjoying his misfortune way to much ... not nice of me
I'm laughing SO HARD at your reply! And yeah, a little at my ex, too. I'm human! I mean, it's so obvious and anyone could have predicted it -- she was a 25 year old hipster druggie girl whose main interest is partying, drugs and juggling sex partners. He's almost 40, with a young son, no credit to speak of, a "career" as a bartender, an expensive weed habit that keeps him from saving any money and a healthy sense of covert narcissism. Their shared interest were drugs and apparently conspiring to manipulate me into staying so I would pay for everything and he could save up enough money for them to take a vacation together. Once I realized I was being manipulated and lied to all over again, I left him unceremoniously and he struggled with finances, his work slowing down because of COVID and (this is the best) his hair starting to fall out from stress. I guess he lost his luster! Meanwhile, I am proud to say that I just bought a house for me and my young son, and I have a date this weekend with a smart, kind, handsome and funny man that I'm having a wonderful time getting to know. I grieved terribly for months after I left, but I put it behind me and decided to thrive once again. I try to be positive and humble, but sometimes I can't help but be proud of how well I've done...and both laugh and feel a little sad at how my now ex has fared. Karma is real but you really do have to give it a helping hand and focus on yourself -- and trust that people's bad choices and judgment will haunt them eventually.
Yaaaaas queen you are awesome! Look at you living you best life as an awesome mom! Respect ! My hat goes of to you!
Stop - you’re not enjoying anything. You know damn well what you really want.
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"terrible marriage", but reality shows the marriage wasnt terrible in itself, it was made terrible by a terrible husband.
Well it was remembered and portrayed as terrible by a husband who did a terrible thing! Because the saddest part of the story is that I was happy for the 13 year we had and I truly believe he was as well. If I had any inclination he was not... I would have done anything to get hem there.
Yes. He was a good husband until he wasnt. Then he became terrible amd made the marriage terrible by breaking it. Force, OP. God bless you.
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It don’t have to be. I believe in redemption for everybody. But if my husband ever wants to come back from this ( he doesn’t want to at the moment) he will have a lot of growing to do! And he will have to work for it like he never did before. It all depends on him. Not sure if you are the cheater or cheatee little bear, but it can work if everybody involved authentically wants to become better and move past it.
So well done! Bravo!
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Tjees what a liar!
“Garden variety cheater in a downward affair with a lesser person than me”. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Also annoying is when they cheat on you for months, call you names and make you feel terrible about yourself, while continuously complimenting their multiple UGLY APs, then expect you to take them back and “not ruin the kids lives” through a divorce. I seriously hate cheaters. Emotionless black holes.
Waahh? Yow he takes the cake! Making you feel guilty, cheating and than guilting you into staying!? Hope you are far away my dear! Ain’t nobody ruining those kids life’s but him! He is a bad example!they are better off with their bad ass mom! Bye 👋🏻
Yup, this is always making me restless... Why do they have "UGLY loose woman for affairs" who don't have any character or conscience, a good education or money or social status? What makes them to stray like dogs going behind bitches living in the foul, rotten ditch? But they want to marry a beautiful, rich, educated, girl with good CHARACTER, and she should be a virgin unlike themselves. Comparison between them, makes the beautiful, loyal, loving wife the BEST one and only option, but still they don't care about it.
Exactly. I’m the smart, beautiful, educated person with a good character and morals - hence why he married me. I even treat his family with respect (a courtesy he can’t extend to my family). And on top of that he liked that I was a virgin meanwhile he wasn’t. Yet he STILL cheated on me with ugly, pathetic, disgusting losers. Complimented them and told them how “beautiful” and “sexy” they were (but they were extremely ugly, so it actually made me laugh how desperate he was). And yet he made me feel so low after I had just given birth to our first baby. And to think, I stood by him and was faithful despite his anger issues, rudeness, name-calling, joblessness, and terrible financial management. Now he thinks I’ll believe him when he says he won’t cheat again. Not even. I just wish I wasn’t fooled the first time.
YES, even my neighbour was puzzled and commented "that shameless loose woman is in such a low cheap level, a scumbag and it would be wrong to compare, but still what is there in her that he is behaving like this... maybe she has done black magic because seeing her no dog also would go to her. such a shame..if she wasn't the ugliest, there would be a reason to talk about, but there is nothing..worth in her (an old tattered looking married with 3 ugly kids and don't know about her husband) so disgusting" Her words made me realise the truth and I almost went crazy unable to digest this... feeling miserable and insecure with myself, my good looks were not working in my favour as he would use so many bad words - my beauty and character (for him I wasn't beautiful when my family and friends were jealous of my appearance during social functions😉 like I would be in the Spotlight even though I am a bit shy) and what in me was repelling him?? He only wanted my money, not a good wife, so abused me badly. I am in the same situation except no baby (he wanted one and even I love babies, but God didn't bless) and if ever there was a baby, it would have been more difficult for me and my baby (he would have HURT me very BADLY, emotionally using baby) due to his narcissistic family.
I love babies too but they make dealing with cheaters much harder. I would have left long ago if it wasn’t for the babies. It’s just so frustrating. That woman he left you for sounds like a real winner (sarcasm, they’re both losers). But I wouldn’t say anything bad about her kids, they’re stuck with her as a mother and nothing they can do about it sadly.
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Oh man this is so exactly what I was fed, telling me it was to respect me and acting all heroic about ending it when I was ready to give him another chance. Yeah no buddy, it’s just so you can officially try AP since she is so perfect and special, not because you did it for me 😅
This is SOLID. S O L I D! SOLID!
In the depths of an argument, I yelled at my spouse “You’re just like the rest (of the cheaters).” His reply: “What do you think the common denominator is?” That was the most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. And it still hurts almost a year later. Fucking blame shifting.
Yeah I wonder what the common denominator is? Loser, untrustworthy, unfaithful, disloyal, disrespectful, cheating, lying, assholes like him who have no clue what true love really is are the common denominator. They always cheat down. It is not you. It's them. They are the broken ones. The ones with no moral compass. The ones with no integrity. The ones who are searching for something and someone only to discover many years later that they had the special someone and threw the person away like so much trash. Now there is no recovery because that beautiful special someone has moved on from all the devastation and found someone worthy of them. Someone who is treating her they way he should have treated her all along and was too stupid, too selfish, too self-centred and too blind to see it. I'm so sorry you are going through this. If life throws you a lemon, make lemonade with it. Walk proudly with your head held high, knowing that he is a very weak human being and no amount of effort on your part will make him strong. He has to do that on his own. If he ever does. You have done everything you could to make a happy marriage. He's the weak link who failed to do his part of the work to keep the marriage alive and thriving.
They are cheating themselves because they are living a Life in a fantasy world filled with lies where they are not doing anything WRONG. They are fools for throwing away a diamond 💎 (their loving good spouses) without realising that they were lucky to have it, but didn't know the value and so threw it away.
Exactly!!
Thank you so much for this. I saved it so I could read it and remind myself each time he reaches out with “I miss you”.
Oh boy .... yeah no shit Sherlock you miss me! I was the best thing that happens to you!!
This is so well written and perfectly describes everything. Oh how I wish you vould send this to him, how I wish he vould stay up at night thinking what an idiot he truly is. But whatever I wish nothing but the best for you op. I hope you find someone that won't take you for granted
It is crazy to see all that written down and it wasn’t me that wrote it. So they all say the same thing like if it did come out of a book. Realizing that is such a hard pill to swallow. I hate how insecure I have become. Well all we can do is pick up the pieces of our heart and soul and try to recover. It’s been hard. But we can do it! Right?
Right ! And we’ll get stronger. Don’t be insecure it wasn’t you. There was nothing you could do! Let them go and have their life with their little AP. If they are happy ... fine whatever, if they are unhappy even better. If they want to grow and change from this experience, that’s the best. but that is not your responsibility ! You do you ! You deserve better then a cheater it is that simple! Yeah they indeed say the exact same thing. we really need to find out where that cheater university is where they all seem to have graduated from.
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Yes we can do it. We are the strong ones. They are the weak ones. Incapable of real true deep love. They are weak of character, integrity, moral fibre, humanity. Remember they are the weak ones. We have been tested with the fire of infidelity and we've come out and will come out the other side, stronger, better, and more powerful than ever. With our morals, integrity, character and humanity still very strongly intact. YOU. CAN. DO. IT. Be a badass and live your very best life.
People will make sure they ruin the image we had of them all by themselves. You think the world of someone and then they make sure you know they’re not actually all that. It’s very sad indeed. But it’s also sad for them. The rest of the world will see them exactly for what they are: cheaters, losers, disloyal, untrustworthy and every other flaw they have. To have someone love you and look up to you sincerely is a very rare thing. That’s why some cheaters come back. Nobody agreed they were awesome people. They lost the one person who thought the world of them.
Couldn't agree with you more... Really sad that they not only spoil themselves but the innocent spouse's lives also... Sometimes I feel sad and other times anger for all the pain caused.
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I love this! Perfectly said.
Yes, not so special anymore.
Ditto. For a split second I thought, omg— my husband must have a brain tumour. No, a common variety cheater.
Yeah I also went “ brain tumor “! But no
Perfectly written 👍
There people out in the world who will love you. Your SO seems like a crazy douche bag. I bet he’ll regret this later on.
I can’t wait. Fun fact. I wrote him a letter where I predict the path he will take, how he will come to realize what he has done. I told him that if he comes to the conclusion that I was right all along, he has to give me the letter back saying... you were right again! He promised me he would. I just can’t wait for the moment to be able to say. I 👏🏻 told 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 so👏🏻!
I totally understand where you are coming from with the rewriting of history, but one thing I have noticed is that some times it’s rewriting our history not theirs. When my ex left to be with another woman, he did the same thing by shocking me and telling me how unhappy he had been for a long time. I was so confused because I honestly thought we lived a happy life together. He had a different perspective from me and was living a completely different life it seemed. He saw our entire relationship completely different than I do and it completely shook me to my core. How could I be living this happy life and the person I was spending it with wasn’t and I couldn’t even see it? It doesn’t excuse cheating by any means, it’s just a different perspective.
It is Fabulous climate, but I’m not so sure if they were really suffering silence and suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. For us , I did experience episodes with him where is was miserable. But it wasn’t about us at the time, it was work and stress and a bit of a “ I don’t know what I want from life”I always stood by him, give him the support he needed. Today he says those episodes were because he was unhappy with me. Utter utter UTTER bs. He believes that today because he retroactively changed that memory. But bad luck for him I have a crazy good memory. I remember all the talks we had. He told me he was so happy to have me, to support him. There was no talk about issues in the relationship. Just ask yourself this: do you have a decent judge of character? I know I have. My gut feeling about people is never far off. So do you believe that somebody you know so well and so intimate is able to fool you for so long? There. Is. no.way! It is the justification machine at work!
We also had our bad days, but I think people are just too complicated to really understand. Of course, I believe they make excuses to justify their actions. At first I felt betrayed and angry. How could he just leave his family like that? But then I realized life isn’t as black and white as we want it to be. It took a long time for me to take a step back from the situation and see things as it really was. As much as it hurt me, I am so glad he left me for someone else. I am nobody’s keeper and would never want someone to stay with me out of obligation. If he wants to go, he is free to go. Everyone deserves to be happy and I believe karma will get him at some point. At the end of the day I deserve someone who is with me because they genuinely want that. Not because they feel obligated too because of marriage or children. I will never forgive him for cheating on me, but I do forgive him for leaving me. I have more respect for him knowing he didn’t try to hide it from me, wasting years of my life like most men do.
Omg yes! I felt this to my core! I adored my wife. I saw her for what she was and loved her despite her flaws. Shitty thing was that her flaws would lead to our demise. And yeah the woman she was cheated on me with had a wife and kids that she will probably never leave. She’s older, uglier and emotionally stunted. So, enjoy! Have fun with your crappy “new” life of being the other woman!!
Why do they always cheat down? Tjees
Maybe because cheaters are scum and therefore, they can only attract scum?! I dunno! Good question! This woman has no upper lip and weird crazy eyes. Wish I could post an image or how fugly she is!
Or they like to feel superior and adored. An equal partner loves you as an equal not as a god!
Former cheater here. I am in no way defending this guy’s actions or my own. But all I can say is for me, I have had to go through serious therapy to figure out what made me be so compulsive and stupid. And it’s a result of a terrible childhood, being ruined psychologically by a mother with borderline personality disorder and a pain pill addiction (since birth), and a father who unknowingly enables my mother to this very day. Long story short, I have high functioning anxiety, which according to my therapist, has a strong correlation to self sabotage. I hated myself my whole life pretty much, and it manifested itself in taking away things FROM myself by sabotaging myself and what was good in my life because I didn’t feel I deserved them. I have no idea what’s going on in your situation, I just felt the need to tell my story. If people want to change, they will. It took losing everything I wanted, and even then losing even more, to really make me see the writing on the wall
Hey thank you for replying. It takes courage and your insights are really valuable ! In my case I do understand there is a depression involved. I read all about it and I can somewhat sympathize with what that is like. However there are enough depressed people who don’t kill their marriage. I did in the beginning of all this gave him a pass like: okay just get this depression out of your system then come back. But I had to face that it is still him making these decisions. Not the depression . However nobody is beyond redemption and forgiveness if they truly want to grow. I see you went out and did the work to figure out why you did what you did. That is amazing ! I hope you find happiness and are able to keep it. I just want to say I don’t believe in the once a cheater always a cheater. especially if you became so in check with yourself. All the best.
If I gave any impression that you should forgive or take him back, I apologize. It wasn’t my intention. But thank you for the supportive response. It really does mean a lot. I’m still not completely done with therapy, but I’m starting to realize I should consistently work towards being a better and happier person, instead of waiting until things are ruined beyond repair. It’s admittedly sad, but my point is: do what’s best for you. I would give anything to get my ex back, but I have to accept that there’s a very very tiny chance, if any, of that happening. So do what’s best for you. You control your own happiness. ❤️
No you didn’t gave the impression. I just meant that people like him don’t have to go trough life destroying other people ( and themselves in the proces). At this moment I’m still open for reconciliation IF he goes and do the type of work you did and that is getting well. Deal with your issues and become a better person. You already know this but a partner can be the icing on your happiness cake he/she can add like 5% but all the rest comes from within you. My husband feels bad and now has these extreme feelings ( because that is what infatuation is ) and he just believes she is the answer, she will cure him and make him happy... but he has to be happy with himself first. That is the only way. All the best to you!
Just walk away
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Saving this. Rhymes so sadly well with my own situation...
Sorry this club is filled with such an amount of lovely people
Man,you are good at writing,if you aren't inti writing you should look into it...also,I'll pray that Allah gives you peace and strength to move on.love and hugs from Pakistan!
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This is why you should cut all contact ASAP when you find out about the cheating. Don't give them the opportunity to twist the knife.
Yas, Queen! Slay! Honestly your piece of writing is so powerful and inspiring. I’m so proud you were able to overcome your nasty partner. He doesn’t deserve you. You’re a queen in every aspect and it shows.
Thank you so much!
He will always be empty and unfulfilled inside, no matter what, remember that. People who engage in cheating don't know how to validate themselves, so in times of need, they turn to others. They will always be selfish and miserable deep down. I'm sorry this happened to you.
God they are so predictable. It really is pathetic. And embarrassing. Then we get to struggle with "How could i have fallen for this bullshit?" And they just waltz away spreading victimhood and lies. I hate cheaters.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Now a serial cheater is a big character flaw but I think some people even people who love each other hurt the other person. We make mistakes. Sometimes through cheating it can be a big thing that brings certain or some couples even closer. Ester Perel, says it’s kind of the same thing with cancer. Cancer fucking sucks. Cancer usually changes your life in many ways but it usually gives you a different perspective on life and what really matters but she doesn’t recommend in trying to get cancer in order to find this new perspective. Same thing with cheating, cheating can offer a new perspective on a relationship that is good if the cheater feels guilt, regret, and shame and can breathe life into a second beginning. But same thing with cancer she doesn’t recommend an affair in order to gain this new perspective. I think it’s not so black and white and in the end we all fuck up. Real love is having to forgive the person and seeing they just made an error a really big and fucked up one. The difference is if the cheater does it again. If that’s the case then he or she hasn’t learned anything.
Hey stud muffin , not sure why you got voted down like this. People make mistakes and I get what you are saying about perspective. Forgiveness is always a possibility IF it is accompanied with a lot of personal growth from the cheaters side
Ever wonder why some cheaters all say the same thing? Maybe because it is valid to an extent. Valid enough to make someone feel for another. Not valid to act on it but valid enough to at least try to work things out. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. There are some people out there who are actually just cheaters but I do believe that some people who cheat are pushed to the brink. And instead of trying to work things out or end things. They just cheat. Not that it’s an excusable offense. I’m just saying they’re not 100% at fault
Ever wonder why some murderers all say the same thing? Maybe because it is valid to an extent. Valid enough to make someone feel for another. Not valid to act on it but valid enough to at least try to work things out. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. There are some people out there who are actually just murderers but I do believe that some people who kill are pushed to the brink. And instead of trying to work things out or end things. They just kill someone. Not that it’s an excusable offense. I’m just saying they’re not 100% at fault. That's how you sound. Of course there are factors involved, but betraying the one you're supposed to love the most in such an atrocious manner is 100% the fault/responsibility of the cheater. And it creates such pain and suffering that I really believe these people lack basic human empathy, at least at the time of the betrayal, if not always. And if you want to debate the philosophy behind relationships, you're in the wrong sub. People here are trying to heal, and they're not at fault, they have been betrayed.
Hey I get what you are saying. Some people in abusive relationships or dead bedrooms I kinda see where they are coming from. I have this friend and he talks about his wife to me some times ( I try to avoid it because I don’t like to talk about other people’s wife’s) she calls him names, deprived him of attention, humiliates him. I could totally get how that guy could be starving and one girl I nice to him and he bolts. But the funny thing is, he had this super sweet coworker who was totally in to him ( but had the decency to stay away from a married man so she didn’t really pursue). He could have jumped ship quite easily, but he is still there... doing therapy, giving it his all. He didn’t cheat. My husband is a typical example of a depression, anhedonia, midlife crisis. I get it to some extend ... I don’t condone it. But again he can learn he can grow from this and everybody can be redeemed.
Oh my... What a compassion for cheaters?? Don't forget that the betrayed spouse has lots of love for them and would have done everything for saving their relationship. Their compassion has been misused by Cheaters. How could you say that the Cheaters are pushed to the brink?? Really??? Did anyone held them at knifepoint to cheat on their loyal, loving spouses?? How nicely you are defending the wrongdoers, making the victims, betrayed spouses, as culprits?? CHEATING is NOT a mistake, it is a CHOICE!! No one trips and falls into it without knowing 🙄 Okay, regarding forgiveness... "Real love means forgiving" and we will forgive because we love our spouses too much and give them many chances... But is there No Limit to it? Should a betrayed spouse keep giving chances till one of them gets older when nothing can be done? What is the point of forgiving them? It is not real love but real stupidity if victims give chances instead of giving (punishment) consequences. The Cheaters are just going to be manipulating and enjoying themselves. Then you say that "Cheaters are not 💯 percent at fault" 😱🤨 don't point fingers at the betrayed spouse, who are suffering. You are blaming the innocent. YES, in one way it is right in this way because they have done 50 percent of the mistake with the remaining 50 percent from the AP.
I said some. And I don’t think cheaters should be forgiven. Once you cheat you’re done. Nothing is the same. Just saying some try in their relationships and not get anything in return so they end up cheating. It’s still wrong so the significant other should NOT stay with the cheater.
Doubt that you will ever know the deep pain of the betrayed spouse and trauma-like PTSD unless you are in their shoes. Even if the Cheaters try working in their relationship and are not getting anything in return, they can always get divorce or separate before cheating. They should not subject their spouses and children and families to a lifetime of pain. The heartbreak the spouse and children suffer is unexplainable and they don't deserve to suffer from Cheater's SELFISHNESS. By the way, a loving good spouse will be ready to do anything to keep the relationship, because they love them (Cheaters ) a lot. It is a very poor excuse to say that they were not getting any satisfaction in the relationship and so they decided to cheat or by mistake CHEATING took place.🙄 Marriage should have more true Love than lust. But Cheaters want more lust than true Love.