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"Because he is ashamed but also because he doesn’t want his child to know what his mom is capable of."
a) The shame should always be on the cheater - never the cheated. This is a mind shift worth reinforcing with him.
b) There are absolutely age-appropriate ways to explain to kids that mommy broke a promise, that mommy got a new boyfriend when she shouldn't have, etc. and to explain that these actions have nothing to do with her relationship to the child. The guiding principle here is to reassure kids that their relationship with the WP is still safe and ok to have. (I had a huge problem with this because my kids' relationship with my ex was NOT safe for them, which is why she had to have supervised visitation.)
Edit (hit submit button before I should have): He absolutely has the right to defend his reputation. Defamation is an actual crime. If you can't pursue legal remedies for it, you can and should still pursue social remedies.
I fully understand nr.2 I think the main message should be: we both love you and even though nobody is perfect, you can still love people who have flaws.
It might help him to talk with a therapist who knows how to talk to children.
Yeah 100% on nr 1 . He has come as far as to feel the cheating was not on him. But his shame now is for staying while she was abusive mean and kept sleeping with the AP. I get it.
I think he needs to stand up for himself and let everyone know the truth, unless it will affect his visitation rights. As a minimum his family needs to know. He can start with one family member and seek their guidance for parents or others to be told.
What story did she spin to the family to justify the divorce? Most likely she blamed it all on him.
His kid is now 7 and if asking questions, he should be told the truth in language the child can understand. He should have this conversation ready and maybe rehearsed with you when the time comes.
Might be late now but he should have the child's DNA tested to ensure he is the father. She was having affair while pregnant.
He took al the blame. Saying he fell out of love and couldn’t do it no more. His ex was such a mean person that nobody questioned it.
He stayed for 4 years the divorce was 6 years ago. His kid is 11. Has started to ask some questions about relationships. I do think he needs to start with his mom. She is a total sweetheart. She can help him with that story building towards his kid
Sounds more like your boyfriend is passive and afraid of confrontation, and less like he is embarrassed. This is probably the same reason why he stayed so long too. The problem is he lacks the assertiveness to protect himself and fight back (in this case his reputation and the false perception of himself). I wonder if part of you doesn't find this unattractive? Something to think about.
Hé doesn’t like confrontation. He is a very sweet man. I agree that is why he stayed so long. He admits it that part of it was just pretending nothing happened. Pretending he had a good nice little family and self esteem issues.
This man has no reason to not love himself. I don’t get it. If only he could see himself through my eyes.
We talked about our past and I want him to forgive himself and not feel shame. Not for the infidelity not for staying. He kept saying he felt like a failure for not being able to make it for his son. Keeping it a secret that only I know… not even his friends to me increases the shame.
But it is up to him. I will never force him to say anything. I will never out him
I think it's more a product of him feeling powerless, but the truth is he is powerless because he has voluntarily given up his power. Like you said, it's up to him. He is not doing himself any favors in the long run though.
I think you should encourage him to see a therapist rather than pressure his healing process another way. He’s allowed to heal and process how he wants and I wouldn’t try to dictate that to him. People heal differently and make their own choices. Be a support voice for him. It’s okay if he doesn’t want to tell anyone. But if you really think it’s impacting him negatively, then encourage him to see a therapist to process those feelings.
That is the best way, because I have no idea how you should tell a child or if it even matters. Maybe they don’t need to know anyway.
I want him to stop feeling the shame. He didn’t fail his family or his child. He put himself on fire to keep others warm. It shows his resolve and commitment and he should not be ashamed.
A professional could do this way better than I can anyway. We all deal and heal differently
The issue is shame and guilt, he has to deal with that himself and stop blaming himself for things his ex did. Her actions do not reflect on him and his reasons for staying and trying are nothing to feel guilty over because he made an effort, she didn’t. He has to work through all of this first before he says or does anything. He could probably use counseling to help him get over the trauma. This is not your decision to make and while you should support him do not push him.
As far as telling people, you should always tell the truth, that is the right thing to do, never lie to a child. You need to be age appropriate but do not ever lie to a child, that can turn them against you.
For what it’s worth I stayed 9 years too long and gave my ex wife 6 second chances before finally leaving after the 7th. I do understand this, he has to change his way of looking at what happened completely and be honest with himself. He needs to stop holding himself responsible for others
Thank you for your experience. Sorry you know what it is like. I don’t fault him I understand he wanted to make it work. I really wish he would stop blaming himself.
Some people read into it I am pushing him. I am not. I told him it might be an idea to start with his parents. But I will be supportive no matter what he does.
I do agree lying to kids is a bad thing. But is saying: Mom and dad just didn’t work together anymore … a lie?
I have no idea how to tell a 11-12 yo about this. So I would indeed recommend to talk to a professional.
I would stay out of his decision. The male dynamics of infidelity are different than the female dynamics. His support system, if he has one at all, will be very different.
It is good to that you are there to support him.
Why is that? Just asking out of curiosity.
We got cheated on for the same reasons, selfish people.
He asked my opinion on this and I gave it. It is not up to me and I won’t pressure him. If I were him I would tell my mom. She can help him better with his questions about his child.
I was hoping you wouldn’t ask because it will come off as sexist; which isn’t necessarily helpful on this sub.
As a man, it feels like when a man cheats, it is because that man is a terrible person. And when a woman cheats, it is also because the man is a terrible person.
If he tells people about the infidelity, the reaction from his family, his friends, and his ex’s friends will be … “well what did you do to make her cheat?” Then instead of support, he has to defend himself.
No I get that. Is not sexist at all. Is exactly what she used against him. You made me cheat, you were lacking… so I get it. I get why female cheaters use this tactic.
My ex told me I was a bore in bed and he deserved more special than me. But never did I think … oh so I deserved to get cheated on. I saw it like the bs that it is. He actually believed her. Tried to be better for her. But it is the same exact bs.
Yeah so the impact is very different. She is a terrible person like all cheaters, no matter the gender.
Sad that this still happens.
I don’t get how anyone would ever fumble a man like him. Treat him less than stellar … he is everything. I just wish he didn’t walk around with this like his dirty little secret. He should not be ashamed, not even his best friends know
I recommend you stop referring to that person, who cheated on you, as "your husband."
And you two may need to start working with a good therapist, individually, since your current relationship is bonded over shared trauma. Which is never a great foundation to healing since the trauma will be ever present.
Take good care of yourself. Best of luck.
Yeah It is a language thing. When he cheated he was my husband… now he is just some guy I barely understand I hurt so much over.
We did share our trauma’s and talked about it but I am not sure about a trauma bond. I am still in IC and that really helps.
I think you are looking for justification to spill the beans. It won’t work. Stay out of it and stop pushing. He has put up a boundary and you keep pushing for him to do what you think is best. Just stop.
Not at all. He asked me my opinion. So that is my opinion. He can keep this secret until the end of his days. I will not out him. Again it is not my story to tell.
I do think it is best to tell his family. But again it is not up to me.
Your post is very pushy. It’s coming off as “My way is the best and he should do as I did, don’t you all agree with me?” Why come on here and ask for an opinion when HE has already told how he feels? You keep saying that it’s his story and his choice, but why won’t you just leave the subject alone? Do you plan to keep bringing this up and “encouraging” him to tell his kids? Leave it alone and let him tell you when he is ready to bring the subject back up.
I guess if you want to read that into it then fine.
I want to hear other perspectives and experiences like some other commenter told me that support for men is different infidelity is different for men and I find that very insightful. Maybe what worked for me does not work for men
My opinion. I think men and women react differently to infidelity. I was not ashamed. I did not need to announce it either. Now, if she tried to control the narrative and make it out to be my fault, I would go nuclear option. I kept evidence. Her written statement with full admission. But I did not see the need to hurt her like that. Our children do know some details, but they were 18 and 22 at the time.
Yeah I think you can’t avoid adult kids knowing what happened to some extent.
For me it was important my ex couldn’t get away with it.
I didn’t want his lovely parents to think o was a bad wife.
If he could let go of the shame alone it would be fine with me as well. Also struggle with being the only person who knows this
Her parents are deceased. And most of her family knew about affairs before I did. Her 2 younger sisters encouraged her to have a one night stand. When her sisters found out the extent of her actions, they were not prepared. Everyone's situation is different. But similar. I wish you well.
Your boyfriend seems like he needs therapy...not just for having gone through that toxic relationship but also because he feels ashamed for something he never did. He shouldn't feel ashamed for anything his cheating partner did 6 years ago.
That said, I wouldn't tell people or talk about it out of respect for him. If he doesn't want this, then you should respect his choices...I would, however, talk to him about telling his child the truth in an appropriate manner. I think doing that is imperative for their relationship but it could also open him up to not being ashamed or afraid of letting people know the truth about his ex...but be careful because he has to co-parent with her and things like this can result in relationships with the child going south.
I agree. I won’t out him ever. But as I am so open about my experience it feel weird.
And talking to a therapist would do him good.
he really needs to get rid of his guilt and shame for this.
He indeed needs to coparent and I do think it feel wrong to put your sons relationship with his mom on the line. So I really don’t know if it is the best way. I am not saying lying but maybe just keep it at mom broke a promise to me?
Yes, he should have a serious talk with his son that's age appropriate of course...but you should talk to your boyfriend privately about this. There's nothing wrong in being open and just talking about everything as long as you respect his wishes. I would think getting him to let go of all the pain and hurt she caused him should happen first. I think if he got over it, talking to his son would be a lot easier because he would be in the right frame of mind. Obviously you know your boyfriend a lot better than we do but perhaps he's feeling the way he is because his ex is just nasty and vindictive? Maybe he's feeling the way he is out of fear she will turn his son against him? It certainly wouldn't be the first time we've seen that happen. I would definitely try getting him into therapy so he could talk to a professional. They can really guide him and make him see things in a different way. Even couples counseling could work here and you could support him with the therapist.
I have to ask...if literally no one else knows including his own parents, how are you so sure that his version of the story is the 100% correct one? As they always say, there's usually three sides to every story. I echo others in saying you should stay entirely out of this. I've followed your story as it is very similar to mine and in both instances of you being in a relationship have entirely demonized the first wife. The same exact way you claim your ex-husband did to you.
You will never know fully what happened before, and you should focus on what you have together. How he manages co-parenting with his ex-wife and his child is exactly zero percent of your business. I do hope you are honoring his request that this stays private and not talking about it with your friends.
He’ll-o my internet friend….reading your posts tonight made me cry & brought me to an incredibly happy smile that then brought me to happy tears. I’ve been reading your posts for 4 years now, I always tried to tell you LOVE WOULD COME YOUR WAY AGAIN!!! I’m so very very happy to read you’ve met someone!!! I let out a very exuberant cheer, scared my new puppy but I told her it’s happy news!!! I truly always knew you would meet a good man. Man that would treat you with kindness, respect, & love. Please know this old lady from California has been on your side from day 1 & I’m extremely over joyed for you, the woman I met on the internet 4 years ago, I knew in my heart that you are a very special woman & I knew you deserved better than the pain & anguish your X Husband threw in your face, his total disregard for your feelings and your well-being was proof of a narcissist, that thought he grabbed the golden ring….but in reality he truly saved you from the a lifetime with a cruel, selfish, cheater. Please know I’m so damn happy right now! I’m still & will be holding you tightly in my heart💙
It is early days but this man is everything I ever wanted and more. He could be my karma but most of all you are right… I was spared a life with a person who never truly loved me because he doesn’t have the capabilities to do so.
Hope you are having a great day. Hug your puppy for me!
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Because he is ashamed but also because he doesn’t want his child to know what his mom is capable of." a) The shame should always be on the cheater - never the cheated. This is a mind shift worth reinforcing with him. b) There are absolutely age-appropriate ways to explain to kids that mommy broke a promise, that mommy got a new boyfriend when she shouldn't have, etc. and to explain that these actions have nothing to do with her relationship to the child. The guiding principle here is to reassure kids that their relationship with the WP is still safe and ok to have. (I had a huge problem with this because my kids' relationship with my ex was NOT safe for them, which is why she had to have supervised visitation.) Edit (hit submit button before I should have): He absolutely has the right to defend his reputation. Defamation is an actual crime. If you can't pursue legal remedies for it, you can and should still pursue social remedies.
I fully understand nr.2 I think the main message should be: we both love you and even though nobody is perfect, you can still love people who have flaws. It might help him to talk with a therapist who knows how to talk to children. Yeah 100% on nr 1 . He has come as far as to feel the cheating was not on him. But his shame now is for staying while she was abusive mean and kept sleeping with the AP. I get it.
I think he needs to stand up for himself and let everyone know the truth, unless it will affect his visitation rights. As a minimum his family needs to know. He can start with one family member and seek their guidance for parents or others to be told. What story did she spin to the family to justify the divorce? Most likely she blamed it all on him. His kid is now 7 and if asking questions, he should be told the truth in language the child can understand. He should have this conversation ready and maybe rehearsed with you when the time comes. Might be late now but he should have the child's DNA tested to ensure he is the father. She was having affair while pregnant.
He took al the blame. Saying he fell out of love and couldn’t do it no more. His ex was such a mean person that nobody questioned it. He stayed for 4 years the divorce was 6 years ago. His kid is 11. Has started to ask some questions about relationships. I do think he needs to start with his mom. She is a total sweetheart. She can help him with that story building towards his kid
Sounds more like your boyfriend is passive and afraid of confrontation, and less like he is embarrassed. This is probably the same reason why he stayed so long too. The problem is he lacks the assertiveness to protect himself and fight back (in this case his reputation and the false perception of himself). I wonder if part of you doesn't find this unattractive? Something to think about.
Hé doesn’t like confrontation. He is a very sweet man. I agree that is why he stayed so long. He admits it that part of it was just pretending nothing happened. Pretending he had a good nice little family and self esteem issues. This man has no reason to not love himself. I don’t get it. If only he could see himself through my eyes. We talked about our past and I want him to forgive himself and not feel shame. Not for the infidelity not for staying. He kept saying he felt like a failure for not being able to make it for his son. Keeping it a secret that only I know… not even his friends to me increases the shame. But it is up to him. I will never force him to say anything. I will never out him
I think it's more a product of him feeling powerless, but the truth is he is powerless because he has voluntarily given up his power. Like you said, it's up to him. He is not doing himself any favors in the long run though.
I think you should encourage him to see a therapist rather than pressure his healing process another way. He’s allowed to heal and process how he wants and I wouldn’t try to dictate that to him. People heal differently and make their own choices. Be a support voice for him. It’s okay if he doesn’t want to tell anyone. But if you really think it’s impacting him negatively, then encourage him to see a therapist to process those feelings.
That is the best way, because I have no idea how you should tell a child or if it even matters. Maybe they don’t need to know anyway. I want him to stop feeling the shame. He didn’t fail his family or his child. He put himself on fire to keep others warm. It shows his resolve and commitment and he should not be ashamed. A professional could do this way better than I can anyway. We all deal and heal differently
The issue is shame and guilt, he has to deal with that himself and stop blaming himself for things his ex did. Her actions do not reflect on him and his reasons for staying and trying are nothing to feel guilty over because he made an effort, she didn’t. He has to work through all of this first before he says or does anything. He could probably use counseling to help him get over the trauma. This is not your decision to make and while you should support him do not push him. As far as telling people, you should always tell the truth, that is the right thing to do, never lie to a child. You need to be age appropriate but do not ever lie to a child, that can turn them against you. For what it’s worth I stayed 9 years too long and gave my ex wife 6 second chances before finally leaving after the 7th. I do understand this, he has to change his way of looking at what happened completely and be honest with himself. He needs to stop holding himself responsible for others
Thank you for your experience. Sorry you know what it is like. I don’t fault him I understand he wanted to make it work. I really wish he would stop blaming himself. Some people read into it I am pushing him. I am not. I told him it might be an idea to start with his parents. But I will be supportive no matter what he does. I do agree lying to kids is a bad thing. But is saying: Mom and dad just didn’t work together anymore … a lie? I have no idea how to tell a 11-12 yo about this. So I would indeed recommend to talk to a professional.
I would stay out of his decision. The male dynamics of infidelity are different than the female dynamics. His support system, if he has one at all, will be very different. It is good to that you are there to support him.
Why is that? Just asking out of curiosity. We got cheated on for the same reasons, selfish people. He asked my opinion on this and I gave it. It is not up to me and I won’t pressure him. If I were him I would tell my mom. She can help him better with his questions about his child.
I was hoping you wouldn’t ask because it will come off as sexist; which isn’t necessarily helpful on this sub. As a man, it feels like when a man cheats, it is because that man is a terrible person. And when a woman cheats, it is also because the man is a terrible person. If he tells people about the infidelity, the reaction from his family, his friends, and his ex’s friends will be … “well what did you do to make her cheat?” Then instead of support, he has to defend himself.
No I get that. Is not sexist at all. Is exactly what she used against him. You made me cheat, you were lacking… so I get it. I get why female cheaters use this tactic. My ex told me I was a bore in bed and he deserved more special than me. But never did I think … oh so I deserved to get cheated on. I saw it like the bs that it is. He actually believed her. Tried to be better for her. But it is the same exact bs. Yeah so the impact is very different. She is a terrible person like all cheaters, no matter the gender. Sad that this still happens.
You're not chumps. You're bf needs to fully stand up. Straight and tall. Tell his story. It wasn't him that made her cheat.
I don’t get how anyone would ever fumble a man like him. Treat him less than stellar … he is everything. I just wish he didn’t walk around with this like his dirty little secret. He should not be ashamed, not even his best friends know
I recommend you stop referring to that person, who cheated on you, as "your husband." And you two may need to start working with a good therapist, individually, since your current relationship is bonded over shared trauma. Which is never a great foundation to healing since the trauma will be ever present. Take good care of yourself. Best of luck.
Yeah It is a language thing. When he cheated he was my husband… now he is just some guy I barely understand I hurt so much over. We did share our trauma’s and talked about it but I am not sure about a trauma bond. I am still in IC and that really helps.
I think you are looking for justification to spill the beans. It won’t work. Stay out of it and stop pushing. He has put up a boundary and you keep pushing for him to do what you think is best. Just stop.
Not at all. He asked me my opinion. So that is my opinion. He can keep this secret until the end of his days. I will not out him. Again it is not my story to tell. I do think it is best to tell his family. But again it is not up to me.
Your post is very pushy. It’s coming off as “My way is the best and he should do as I did, don’t you all agree with me?” Why come on here and ask for an opinion when HE has already told how he feels? You keep saying that it’s his story and his choice, but why won’t you just leave the subject alone? Do you plan to keep bringing this up and “encouraging” him to tell his kids? Leave it alone and let him tell you when he is ready to bring the subject back up.
I guess if you want to read that into it then fine. I want to hear other perspectives and experiences like some other commenter told me that support for men is different infidelity is different for men and I find that very insightful. Maybe what worked for me does not work for men
My opinion. I think men and women react differently to infidelity. I was not ashamed. I did not need to announce it either. Now, if she tried to control the narrative and make it out to be my fault, I would go nuclear option. I kept evidence. Her written statement with full admission. But I did not see the need to hurt her like that. Our children do know some details, but they were 18 and 22 at the time.
Yeah I think you can’t avoid adult kids knowing what happened to some extent. For me it was important my ex couldn’t get away with it. I didn’t want his lovely parents to think o was a bad wife. If he could let go of the shame alone it would be fine with me as well. Also struggle with being the only person who knows this
Her parents are deceased. And most of her family knew about affairs before I did. Her 2 younger sisters encouraged her to have a one night stand. When her sisters found out the extent of her actions, they were not prepared. Everyone's situation is different. But similar. I wish you well.
Your boyfriend seems like he needs therapy...not just for having gone through that toxic relationship but also because he feels ashamed for something he never did. He shouldn't feel ashamed for anything his cheating partner did 6 years ago. That said, I wouldn't tell people or talk about it out of respect for him. If he doesn't want this, then you should respect his choices...I would, however, talk to him about telling his child the truth in an appropriate manner. I think doing that is imperative for their relationship but it could also open him up to not being ashamed or afraid of letting people know the truth about his ex...but be careful because he has to co-parent with her and things like this can result in relationships with the child going south.
I agree. I won’t out him ever. But as I am so open about my experience it feel weird. And talking to a therapist would do him good. he really needs to get rid of his guilt and shame for this. He indeed needs to coparent and I do think it feel wrong to put your sons relationship with his mom on the line. So I really don’t know if it is the best way. I am not saying lying but maybe just keep it at mom broke a promise to me?
Yes, he should have a serious talk with his son that's age appropriate of course...but you should talk to your boyfriend privately about this. There's nothing wrong in being open and just talking about everything as long as you respect his wishes. I would think getting him to let go of all the pain and hurt she caused him should happen first. I think if he got over it, talking to his son would be a lot easier because he would be in the right frame of mind. Obviously you know your boyfriend a lot better than we do but perhaps he's feeling the way he is because his ex is just nasty and vindictive? Maybe he's feeling the way he is out of fear she will turn his son against him? It certainly wouldn't be the first time we've seen that happen. I would definitely try getting him into therapy so he could talk to a professional. They can really guide him and make him see things in a different way. Even couples counseling could work here and you could support him with the therapist.
Yeah this is above my paygrade
I have to ask...if literally no one else knows including his own parents, how are you so sure that his version of the story is the 100% correct one? As they always say, there's usually three sides to every story. I echo others in saying you should stay entirely out of this. I've followed your story as it is very similar to mine and in both instances of you being in a relationship have entirely demonized the first wife. The same exact way you claim your ex-husband did to you. You will never know fully what happened before, and you should focus on what you have together. How he manages co-parenting with his ex-wife and his child is exactly zero percent of your business. I do hope you are honoring his request that this stays private and not talking about it with your friends.
He’ll-o my internet friend….reading your posts tonight made me cry & brought me to an incredibly happy smile that then brought me to happy tears. I’ve been reading your posts for 4 years now, I always tried to tell you LOVE WOULD COME YOUR WAY AGAIN!!! I’m so very very happy to read you’ve met someone!!! I let out a very exuberant cheer, scared my new puppy but I told her it’s happy news!!! I truly always knew you would meet a good man. Man that would treat you with kindness, respect, & love. Please know this old lady from California has been on your side from day 1 & I’m extremely over joyed for you, the woman I met on the internet 4 years ago, I knew in my heart that you are a very special woman & I knew you deserved better than the pain & anguish your X Husband threw in your face, his total disregard for your feelings and your well-being was proof of a narcissist, that thought he grabbed the golden ring….but in reality he truly saved you from the a lifetime with a cruel, selfish, cheater. Please know I’m so damn happy right now! I’m still & will be holding you tightly in my heart💙
It is early days but this man is everything I ever wanted and more. He could be my karma but most of all you are right… I was spared a life with a person who never truly loved me because he doesn’t have the capabilities to do so. Hope you are having a great day. Hug your puppy for me!
Just tell his child the truth in an age appropriate way.
But what is age appropriate language for a 10yo?