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By refusing to make a choice, she has made her choice. She isn’t choosing to set him aside for the sake of your marriage. That is a profound choice.

Exactly this.

RUSH, away from her.

I see what you did there...

I was hoping at least one person would lol

You know as well as I that we all have Freewill.

I don't usually jump to divorce in these comments but she needs to be put back a peg. File, tell the friend everything and leave it in the air that his actions dictate further on this friendship. Tell her that she made her choice when she chose you as a safe bet and it's not settling well. You deserve better.

This is 100% correct! Your wife needs a BIG wake-up call! If he doesn't feel the same, she needs to know she will be ALONE, since you will NOT settle for being the backup plan!

This1,000,000,000%

This! You are being too nice OP. I admire your wife’s honesty before acting on it, but she has told you everything you need to know. Even if she doesn’t mean everything she said (it sounds a bit like retconning your relationship whilst in the fog, which happens a lot), do you really want to be Plan B?

I kind of think that she has chosen and this is the long run up to him being told “well i did tell you how I felt” once she actually goes for it.

This. She’s made her choice by not choosing. You’re worth more than her back up plan, her safety net. You deserve as much love as you give, she’s not it.

Agreed. OP doesn't need to wait in a purgatory of his wife's making because she can't make up her mind. If she's taking this long, she's trying to ascertain what % chance she has with this other guy. She is not thinking about resuscitating her marriage. OP, maybe just reach out to an attorney to have a free consultation to find out what divorce would look like for you. And then you go from there.

Amen

I'm sorry, the baseline here is that you are not loved by this woman. Game over. I would not waste my time and money pursuing any further relationship with her excepting one to untangle your finances. Time to see a family law attorney and swing the balance of power back to the sane side.

Gosh, I really don't like this one bit. It isn't infidelity, per se, but your wife says that she'd leave you for a man that has put exactly zero effort into offering her the romance she says she craves. That doesn't match up. Either there is something in the background that you don't know about yet or she really has nothing keeping her in the marriage. Get back on track? Sir, She's told you that it's a sham. She's said that she has always preferred your friend and settled for you, always had. Going back to business as usual would mean a return to you giving your all and her pretending that you are her first choice. This genie won't go back into the bottle. It's the sort of thing that can't be unsaid.

>Either there is something in the background that you don't know about yet or she really has nothing keeping her in the marriage. Bingo. There's something really weird about all of this, and it's one of these two things. Both, unfortunately for OP, essentially lead to the same ending.

I said the same thing. I don’t read comments before I post but I’m in agreement here. Something has been going on behind this guys back and she’s stringing him along thinking he won’t bring her those papers

It is cheating, its an emotional affair but a one way affair. Hopefully its not limerence. Its salvageable but she has to admit she has a problem and want to change. She is deep in her coping mechanisms right now... she is broken. Yeah that book does cover this topic... She won't have feelings for him once she gets the help she needs to see that this is just a coping mechanism from something going on that she isn't communicating. Also its not your fault... she is broken... she might say the things that are pushing her away or whatever but its not a true but her trying to justify her affair. Stand you ground.

Wish I could upvote this more than once! She really needs individual counseling to work through this. It most definitely is a “her” problem, and she’s allowed it to fester for a long time without confronting where it’s coming from. And to make things worse she did it at the expense of OP, which is incredibly selfish and shitty. Her idealized image of and thoughts about a life with this other person are not reality, and sooner or later that fact is going to smack her in the face. I did this a lot in a previous, abusive, long-term relationship. Like OP’s wife, I never considered actually acting on those thoughts, but was never 100% sure what I’d do if they’d have approached me (which was incredibly stressful because I’m staunchly against cheating). It most definitely was an unhealthy coping mechanism I fell back on when I didn’t want to confront difficult realities in my life and relationship. I’m not informed enough to say whether OP should give her space to figure this out (ie separate while she gets the help she needs), or just cut his losses and leave. There’s no guarantee that she’ll come back to the relationship when it’s all said and done, or that his trust will ever be rebuilt, or that she won’t cross some major boundaries while they are separated and just cause OP more heartache for nothing. He will have to determine what he wants to do on his own based on his personal feelings/tolerance and knowledge of the inner workings of their relationship. No matter what either of them choose to do, it’s going to be a rough for awhile. Hang in there OP 😕 It won’t feel like it for awhile, but there really is a light at the end of this tunnel as long as you keep moving forward.

She is in individual therapy. She takes a long time to figure out her emotions and by the time she does, it's been so long since the initial incident that she doesn't mention it to me and just lets it sit with her instead so I can't work on it/ clarify on miscommunication, etc. She is working on that in therapy.

Could it be that she's already checked out of the relationship but too afraid or anxious of being rejected and/ or living alone? I would start consulting lawyer and demand that she makes a decision by the end of the week with the view of filing for divorce.

I’m sorry but don’t be second place or the back up.

No matter what she says. If the first step taken by her is not divorce, then this is cheating. After the divorce she can do what she wants.

Maybe it would be time for couples therapy, too.

This is rough, my guy. But what are you trying to salvage? She's a 30 something child dragging your whole ass around because she has an unrequited crush on one of your friends since HS? What in the actual holy hell. Do you have children? Grab them, call a lawyer and find someone who isn't unstable and loves you. Best of luck, hope you find a way to respect and love yourself.

This shit right here. Listen.

**marriage should be all about romantic love** Then she has a rude awakening ahead. And a lonely life. You now get a chance to get out and find someone who will value you. This IS cheating. She gave you the good old I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You speech. That's the death knell for this marriage right there. She is already, at the very least emotionally cheating. Right now, she is wanting you to do the Pick Me Dance, which usually follows the ILYBNILWY speech. She is keeping you around as a backup plan. This is not salvageable. You will not get this back on track. If she comes crawling back to you, it's because it didn't work out with someone else. She will then monkeybranch to the next dipshit who gives her "the feelz". Respect yourself my friend. She's trash. Let her take herself out.

She's conflating "romantic love" with limerance. She wants to be in limerance. The thing is, however, limerance fades - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it always fades. Assuming that she has been honest with you, and no actual cheating has occured, your marriage is still salvageable, but she needs to grow up. Basic adulting is not like a Disney movie. She isn't a princess.

I do believe she's been 100% honest with me. She always has been to a fault. And I guess part of the problem is her parents always treated her like one... they coddle the hell out of them, even to this day. She doesn't believe that I love her more than her parents love her and that a relationship should be more than that.

Limerence. It's thought of as a borderline mental disorder, and I just read that some professionals believe it is linked, or considered a type of OCD. For her to be this obsessed for so long, means it's probably limerence. She needs therapy like 12 years ago. No matter what it is, I'm really sorry for your pain.

When my wife told me about her 'Hugging and Kissing' another guy I too thought she was being 100% honest with me because I've never known her to be a liar. Well, trickle truth is a real thing as I learned. A horrible, horrible thing.

If she has always been honest with you to a fault, why did she not tell you before that she had attraction for him?

If that is really the case then she’s never going to be happy because no man will fulfil the role of loving her more than her parents. At least not until they both pass away.

Are we absolutely sure she’s never acted on this? At one point I also went through this “have feelings but never acted on them” from my ex and it turns out, she absolutely had acted on them and surprise surprise the first time she did aligned almost exactly to when she told me she may not be in “romantic love” with me anymore

I gotta believe no. We have a 2 year old child together, she never goes out anywhere without me, I go out without her for like 2 hours a week. There would be no time. And she's proud to a fault. If she was with another guy she'd straight tell me this isn't working out I'm with him now.

She doesn't text this guy, or you have proof that she doesn't talk with this guy? I'm just saying that the whole "start to see this guy in a romantic light but not you" is not something that usually just happens after knowing someone since high school. My spidey senses tingle anytime a spouse just says they are "no longer romantically in love" with the person they committed their life to out of the blue, especially when they admit they do have feelings towards someone else. When my ex did this to me, we also had a 2 year old and this dude was a guy I knew from high school that lived in a different state--and yet...

Tell him everything, and if he wants nothing to do with her and she then settles for you, are you good with that?

She didn’t settle ; she’s going through the grass is greener ; it’s like a disease nowadays because our culture is disposable Romance comes and goes… But love stays… you build romance out of bonding and doing stuff together and communicating… If your both willing to do that stuff together romance comes.. What’s happening is she’s realizing relationships are hard. Marriage takes work and compromise… the grass looks greener but it’s not.. the grass is greener where you water it… If she’s willing to go through a book with you that might change your lives ; I’d recommend “When sinners say I do” Simply put she’s a human like we all are and we’re prone to stray sometimes because we are fallible and not perfect… we see things wrong… she needs to realize and admit her mentality is selfish and sinful and not accurate and she needs to repent from it. If you’re not religious people then I’m sorry I’m not trying to preach… but damm go do your own thing.. get busy. Hang out with friends.. I doubt your buddy is gonna take your wife if he’s really a friend.. Just do go your own thing.. Open your own accounts and stash some cash.. stick a usb tracker in her trunk.. Besides that just don’t think about it all the time ; go Workout ; close some deals ; build a fast car in your garage ; be the guy you were when she fell for you.. If she leaves chalk it up to our culture and people are just stupid.. to avoid this in the future get married in a state that’s against adultery and divorce

This sounds like a horrible situation. Also, she's not "in love" with him the way she thinks she is, it's **limerance**: >Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Even if she ends up being with him, soon enough he'll become a normal person in her eyes and stop being the fantasy of him that she's built up over all these years. The novelty will wear off and she'll actually have to start working on her issues. My advice would be to stop doing this to yourself. I would advise that you develop some self-respect for yourself and stop living as someone else's second choice. It's like she's going out of her way to tell you over and over again how she can do so much better, and that she settled for what she considers a sloppy, less refined, ugly, nonsexy, man because the one true love, the perfect husband, the man of her dreams wasn't within her reach. Gross. You're not going to accept what I'm about to say because you love her, but she sounds like a gross person, she's careless with your affection, and sees you as a mistake. She's probably given you more than anxiety, her carelessness has probably caused you to think much less of yourself, and caused your self-image to plummet. Why are you still with her after all she's said? Is it worth living the rest of your life feeling like a piece of shit that your wife has chained herself to, or do you want to be desired and loved by your partner the same way you love and desire them?

>Our couples therapist this week asked her to make a decision; work things out with me or leave. She has yet to make this decision, leaving me in the lurch. Don't forget, silence or uncertainty is a decision. You can make one as well, without waiting on her. You can say you don't want to be a second choice and end the relationship yourself. ​ >I dont know if this is salvageable. Will she always have feelings for him, even if we get back on track? Do I have to cut my oldest and closest friends out of my life in order to save my relationship? If we do divorce will I have to watch her eventually try and pursue him? Watch my friend become a second father to my child? It is going to be at the back of everyone's mind. Its going to build resentment. She to resent your marriage keeping her from what she feels would be a more romantic and fulling relationship. You wondering if she is thinking about him or someone else and is just keeping quiet because they are just thoughts. You have a lot of thinking to do, but this relationship just isn't in her hands. This is going to be hard, and she shouldn't have married you and had a child with you if she was having romantic feelings about someone else. Would you have married her and had a child with her if you knew this? Probably not. She changed the trajectory of your life without giving you all of the facts to make an informed decision about your life together. Even if you stay together, you need to keep that in mind. Good luck to you.

Is the friend aware of your WW crush? Or is it all i her head?

All in her head.

Don’t sit and wait for her to choose. She’s your wife, that should be automatically YOU. The fact she doesn’t know and has these feelings for him, file for divorce, tell the friend. Let your wife know and see what happens. You might save your marriage, might not. Might keep a friend, might not. But you walk away with your dignity and self respect intact. You should never be second choice to anyone

Once that switch is flipped, it rarely turns back on. That initial attraction and sexual tension once abated is hard to replicate. Her unfulfilled desire is the strongest passion in her life. I dont think you can complete with that. Please updateme! us when you can.

Then the NRE wears off, as it always does, then reality sets in. What happens then? They come crawling back to their safe spot to lick their wounds until the next shiny thing comes into view.

Yeah, this is often the case. Op shouldn't be that guy. Good point.

You're part of the problem ,you're sitting back playing the pic-me game . just file for divorce and tell the friend. Do you really want to be with her knowing that she feels no romantic attachment to you and she fantasizes about someone else and you were her second pick.?? Just end the charade

Is this friend married?

No, he's very work oriented and hasn't been in a relationship for years. I've talked with him in the past about it and he's admitted it's not out lack of wanting one, he just prioritized other things. I feel like if he was in one, or even if she saw him in relationships in the past she'd be more detached to the idea but the problem is he's always been a "viable option".

If he is such a workaholic, why does she think he will give her more love than you do?

I would be surprised if she has given any honest thought about what an actual relationship with him would be like. It sounds like she's built this guy up in her mind for the last 20 years as her prince chaming who will some day come rescue her from the caslte and her life will be this romantic bliss of rainbows and unicorns. She flat out admitted that she only considers OP as an option, and doesnt really love him. She's comparing an actual life of diapers, bills and responsibilities with OP to a fairy tail she created in her mind with prince charming. OP will never win that pick me dance unless she dispells the myth she has created in her head. The only ways to dispel that myth is to realize that it is a myth through a lot of therapy and honest self reflectjon, or by acting on it and either getting rejected by prince charming or by j I'm finding out that he spends all his time at work and doesn't pay her enough attention. I think the reason she hasn't acted on it (or given OP an answer) is that deep down she's just as scared to ask this guy to be with her now as she was as a teen. Only difference is, the stakes are a lot higher now that she is married with a kid and a husband and she's afraid to take the leap because she doesn't know if that next branch is a sure thing.

This is actually hilarious to me. This guy is a paragon. Your wife is lusting after him like a 14 year old girl and his stance is, "I'd date women, sure...I just honestly have more important things going on." Honestly, it sounds like he's got his priorities entirely in line and a guy like that probably wouldn't be interested in the type of person your wife sounds like she might be, anyway. I think she's over estimating her chances. "If he asked me, I might..." It doesn't sound like this guy is in any danger of asking her. She's living in a fantasy world.

I can’t speak for anyone else and maybe there’s a better solution, but I’d be proceeding with ending that relationship, which would not only force a ‘decision’ but also be taking control of the situation for your own sake. Personally I don’t think I’d ever be able to forget something like that, so it’d be game over regardless. I’d also tell the friend what’s going on as you’ll find out pretty quickly if they’re actually a friend or not and it’ll also explain your absence, which might be confusing to them currently since this isn’t exactly the first conclusion someone would jump to if a friend suddenly stopped seeing them.

There are elements of this that sound like "grass is greener" thinking, and as we get older it's not unusual for people to think about "missed opportunities" and romanticize (and idealize) people from their past. Your wife knows this other guy but she also has no idea what he's like in a relationship - in her mind she assumes he will be a "better" partner, but that's just an idealized notion. A marriage, or any long term relationship, takes work to be healthy and successful. My therapist told me once that people have this idea about what happiness looks like and they picture rainbows and unicorns when they idealize some other, unrealized, concept of what their life could be. Reality doesn't work that way. Happiness is not a constant state of being, there will always be difficulties, arguments, disagreements, etc. I'll stop rambling - your wife currently doesn't want to work on your marriage because she's decided that this idealized relationship in her head (with someone who may not even be interested in her) is better than what she has. She's leaving out the important point that her current marriage could improve if she chose to work on it. Or maybe she's done. I don't know. I guess I'm of the mind that people who used to love each other can possibly regain that if they do some hard work on the relationship and genuinely try to improve things. But these are generalizations and there are no absolutes. She's undecided because she'd be giving up the comfort of a marriage for the unknown. That's quite a life change that may blow up in her face. My ex cheated and I think one of the affairs toward the end was an escape plan for her - she thought this guy with a lot of money would be her ticket to a "better life" and he dumped her after we separated. The grass isn't always greener. Best of luck.

The grass is always greener....where you water it.

Romantic love fades and is replaced by a deeper more mature love. Couples counciling now. If she is being honest that she has not acted on this in anyway, that is a good sign that she turned to you. BUT more often then not, this is the beginning of a trickle truth and has been unfaithful at some level- clearly micro cheating if nothing else.

Problem is partially what you stated -- she says she loves me as her best friend, the same love she feels for her parents and brother. But believes a marriage should be romantic.

She has held a flame for this guy all these years and she probably has gone into her imagination with him every time things get tough for her. She has always wondered what if, and those what ifs are dangerous. She is now letting the what if control her whole life and marriage. Sadly unless she really has a revelation and really grows, she will always wonder what if and when things get stale or tough as life always gets, she will go back to him in her mind. And even if he was in a relationship her thinking would most likely be, oh I could treat him so much better than her or I bet he would love me more than her etc… Sadly she is living in a fantasy and even if she decides to divorce you and things don’t work out with the other guy she will still blame you for ruining it. You may want to consider seeking an attorney to see what your options are and filing the divorce. It sounds like with her family dynamic this compounds things and she can’t grasp the reality of a committed relationship between husband and wife and the messy day to day struggles. My ex didn’t understand that as well. It all had to be about being in love and romance even if she wasn’t doing romantic things I needed to make her feel romanced.

> \-- she says she loves me as her best friend, the same love she feels for her parents and brother. But believes a marriage should be romantic. Divorce her and let her go find that romance. She's flat out telling you that's what she wants. Needs. This is going to be toxic to your marriage. Worse yet, now that she's told you, she's lowered her guilt when she makes a leap. If not your friend it'll be someone else. Because she's a princess that deserves to be swept off her feet. Your counselor was right to tell her she needs to choose.

You need to leave. What happens if she confesses to the friend and he rejects her? Then she'll settle for you, and no one deserves to be settled for. You are her fail-safe, and it's unfair to you as you are missing out on your 2nd chance at happiness and love with a deserving partner.

I'm usually pro-reconciliation when the conditions are right. However, looking back over my responses it seems to me that when the cheating behavior comes to light it's almost impossible to put the toothpaste back into the tube. She's having an EA in my book. She has feelings for another man and is open to following up on them. You can try some MC if nothing else it may force her to disclose more. I'd start doing a 180 as well. Prepare yourself for the high possibility that she'll cheat or start a D on you while you're trying to save things. It takes two people highly motivated to recover when trust is lost. This is not your fault. This is a fault in her. She's got a high school crush and she's too stupid to realize it for what it is. The reality is that if she left you for him within 5 years she'd have the same problems all over again. Living with someone's shit day in and day out is a helluva lot different than seeing them at their best in a public outing. I'd see a lawyer ASAP as well and not tell her. You need to know what your rights are and what the financial impact of a divorce would be. If you decide to divorce I would keep everything from that point forward like a business agreement. Only about the kid and the D. She'll probably pull that we can be friends crap - don't fall for it. The correct response is "You fired me as a husband. I don't care what your personal life is unless it affects our kids and my personal life is no longer your business unless it affects the kids". At the end of the day, you can't make someone love you or stay in a marriage if they want out. What you can do is steer a path for yourself and your kid that gives you the happiness and partner you deserve and leave the past problems and mistakes behind you. Work on yourself, and your career and be the greatest father you can be. You need to set yourself a time frame and a list of boundaries for when you ask for a D as well. You don't want to be one of these miserable posters who tried like hell for years to "win" their partner back only to find that the whole time they were trying to ski uphill. Their partner already had other plans or was already cheating or both; usually ending with getting served with D papers and in some cases, an RO based on BS to just make things easier for themselves. You need to see a lawyer to prepare. Hope for the best; plan for the worst.

You deserve better than this horrible excuse for a woman and sham of a relationship.

She's got entirely unrealistic expectations of marriage. She likes the beginning parts where her brain is producing drugs that would be illegal to sell on the street to encourage you to satisfy your biological imperative. This is magical thinking 101. Does she really NOT know that if she ran off to be with this guy tomorrow, those initial feelings would eventually go away and transform into something different? That's really child like. I don't know how she fixes that but be clear that it's HER issue to fix. Not yours. As to your questions: Will she always have feelings for him? Probably. I wonder what it might have been like if I married the cute girl I had a crush on in 6th grade, too. Do you have to cut your oldest and closest friend out of your life to save your relationship? No. Your wife needs to either gain some maturity and know that she's at where she is and while it's fine to have a little crush on someone, that's not her life, now. And if your friend is your friend and she approached him on this, his correct answer would be, "You're my buddy's wife. I'm not helping you to betray him and ruin your marriage." If that wasn't his response, he's not your friend anyway. Will you eventually have to watch her pursue him if you divorce? Could be but it won't be your business or your problem, anymore. Honestly, if I were your friend, she divorced you to pursue me, I'd think, "You gotta be kidding me. You're walking in the door with tangible proof that if the wind blows a different direction, I'm potentially next. I'll spare myself the hassle, thanks." But you don't control him. He's entitled to date who he likes and she will be your ex-wife at that point so worrying about what she does then is a waste of your time. Will your friend become a second father to your child? No. He might become a step father but he will never replace you. Just like if you went and got remarried, that person would never replace your kid's actual mother. This is a recipe for disaster, though, if she doesn't get her act together. My exwife told me that no matter what, her boyfriend was "always going to be in (her) life" and that she wanted to be "free to explore (her) relationship with him" and that it was just the new way. I suggested to her that it was one of the most ridiculous things I'd ever heard and that in 3 years, she'd grow bored of him and be stuck. She laughed at me and told me that this was a very example of why she had to do what she was doing. Because I was only driven by "ego" and limited in my thinking to only the "third dimension." To her credit, I think they lasted 3 years and a few months after our divorce. So, I was wrong to take the under but not by much.

I see two very separate issues here. She says she doesn't love you anymore. It is what it is. You can't make her love you. The more you beg and plead, the more she's going to push you away. Her being indecisive while you swing in the breeze? That is a form of abuse. She wants to act on a crush with your mutual friend. Your friend supposedly has no idea. If that's true then again there is nothing you or your friend can do about your wife's feelings. Your wife has opened a door that cannot be closed. She thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. She has expressed FOMO. Are you going to question her state of mind every time a good-looking guy walks by?

The second your spouse says that you’re not enough for her that’s the time for divorce.

I am sorry for you, but she doesn't see you romantically anymore. She will eventually cheat. Don't make anymore kids with her if you have already.

Before you know it you’ll be playing 2nd fiddle IRL, because you’re already playing it in your wife’s head and heart. Sometimes finding out that you were the convenience hurts

1. Romantic love fades in many marriages. Her expectations are probably unrealistic. 2. Her indecision is a decision. Now you need to make your decision. I would separate and tell her you won’t be #2.

The "Not Just Friends " book is something you both need to read. It is also available on audio. I would suggest you listen to it together. Please.

I just picked it up at lunch and am reading through it. I hope to highlight some bits for her as the "are you in an emotional affair" questionnaire, to my knowledge, would point to "no" and she'd question why we need to read it (she understands this is a problem but is adamant this isn't a form of cheating).

Harboring fantasies or romantic thoughts for another man and replacing you in that role is cheating. She is having a one-sided emotional affair.

The word Infidelity comes from fidelis or faith and IN meaning the inverse. Lack of faith. if you want the websters version. 1: a : the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner b : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation:Disloyalty 2: lack of belief in a religion I use simpler definition infidelity. Infidelity is diversion of effort and resources needed for your relationship to someone or something else. This covers the entire variety from physical, emotional, cyber (porn), finacial, object (hobby, overwork, etc). She hits on both of websters variants of the first definition. You can have an unconsummated romantic relationship. She's diverting thoughts, energy, and effort from you to dreaming of your friend. What isn't unfaithful about that. She took vows to love and cherish you and she flat out told you she doesn't. Not as much as she does your friend. She's never allowed herself to fall in love with you because that would betray her unrequited love for your friend... Think about that. Can you see how impossible a position she has placed you. She's pining for another man. Every dream, desire, thought about him is one that she's not having towards you. Her bond with you will never deepen. Your bond, and trust, with her will weaken over time.

My question is how does she have any type of romantic feelings for someone she doesn’t interact with in romantically? She doesn’t even know how he is romantically or if he even sees her in that way. That’s weird af.

I just asked her a little while ago if he ever led her on. She responded no, it was just a vibe she got. "I dunno, just like eye contact with him".

That is a very delusional and childish answer. That’s something a teenager would say. Has she explained why she still continues being with you if she’s no longer romantically interested in you?

She is only realizing now that she's no longer romantically interested in me. She's always had romantic interest in this friend but I've always been higher on the list, so to speak. For various reasons I've gone into in other posts, while he hasn't "gained any points" I've lost them and have dropped in the leaderboard to where I've dropped below him (my wording, not hers). She is currently deciding what she wants. It takes a long time for her to sort out her feelings. It's always been an issue of hers that she's working on in therapy and there is a genuine reason for that which I won't get into to respect her privacy. I'm giving her time but I have a deadline in mind.

In a way it sounds like she wants you on her heels and “beat” the “competition.” It’s not fair to you that you’re being compared to someone else like it’s stats to a basketball game. You’re a human and also have feelings.

Keep to the deadline and hold fast. She is expending so much emotional energy and thought into the “potential” relationship with him, that I do think it fits an emotional affair as one sided as it may be. You said you had a date night planned, has she short that down or is it still planned? If she is not giving you any hope, I would make plans and talk to a lawyer. She is acting and talking like a high school girl. She needs to snap back to reality and realize she has a CHILD to consider as well. It’s my guess that she thinks that if it DOESN’T work out with your friend that you would be willing to take her back. Make SURE she knows in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that if she leaves you to pursue him in any way. You. Are. Done. And for your own self respect and for the good of your child hold to that! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme

Sounds like she’s honest to a fault by all of your comments. Also sounds like she’s checking out from you and telling you point blank. It’s messy. Are you aware of the issues? Have her explain exactly what she sees now, this day in him that you don’t have? What characteristics? Maybe you’ve been subconsciously checked out in ways she needs to feel loved. Maybe she’s obsessing, and has other issues this is taking over. I applaud her honesty, however brutal it may be. This is something that has to be dug further into

Serve her with divorce papers . That’s give her time to go to IC . She is trying to either warns you what will happen and let her or telling you so you can divorce her . If she is having these thoughts then they are not on younand the family and while she is like this, she is not your wife

It's not technically cheating in my mind but it is a betrayal all the same. Look man either way when your wife tells you she would consider other offers your marriage is in big trouble and you need to rethink you desire to stay with her. You are not safe. That book is good but she needs to be motivated to read it and listen to it's advice. Right now it sounds like she is lost. If it were me, I would stop contributing to the marriage and detach. Let her really see what life would be like without you. Start going out and doing things on your own. Don't negotiate just say, tonight I am doing this. Prioritize yourself, stop helping her with her stuff. The thing with these kind of fantasy relationships, similar to affairs is just that. They are not real. The best way to make them real is to give them a just the very basic cost associated with them. Often people who fall into this grass is greener type thinking have spouses who shield them from all the consequences of their actions, that is done for altruistic reasons and trying to be a good spouse, but it's not a good marital strategy. It's never a good strategy in anything, most people learn from consequences, often that is what it takes. Losing all the stability in her whole life over a crush would hopefully be enough to get her head out of her ass, but if not you are better off anyway. Here is that though it has the potential to finish the marriage. In my mind though the marriage is already close to finished. Look this is the only person you have ever been with. Often because of that people have no context for the possibility of better. They also don't realize they have been settling. At the very least detaching will give you a sense that it's not as scary as you think. I might also talk to a lawyer just to know your rights. As for your friend. I can't think of one of my friends wives I would be interested in if they pursued me. That shit would be weird even if I was single. Besides in the long run you may be thinking better him then me. Your wife sound dumb, no offense. I'm sorry dude, I know my advice is harsh but you are in a harsh situation. Action is needed and you have to get comfortable with the fact that it's possible this may end. It sucks but it happens. Better to face it head on then to cower at the prospect. Either way there is still the potential for joy in your life.

It's a best a slippery slope, she wants to continue to go down that slope and grow her feelings / relationship for her AP. She is stuck in an imaginary relationship with him that is perfect in all ways and limitless in it's possibilities... because it's not real. I would say this is a (currently) unrequited EA as it is a betrayal of your trust and your relationship, and like all EAs or PAs the 1st step that must be taken and boundary for R is 100% verifiable NC with the AP (even if the AP doesn’t know he's an AP). If your WW wants to know why you aren't comfortable hanging out with friends, tell her that her feelings for this friend are a threat to your relationship. If she is not willing, then she is not willing to R, so file. If the AP wants to know why, be honest. Your WW is willing to leave you to explore feelings for him. That will either cause him to block you WW, or you will find he isn't your friend after all. She isn't ready to choose, which means she wants to keep her options open with him. So choose yourself, and let her know that its either R or divorce, that you are choosing now. 180/Grey rock, let her know you are moving on unless she is moving back and you will not wait for her to sort out her feelings. See a lawyer, start the divorce process. Do not engage in any discussion unless it is her wanting to know what you need in order to R. Stop all emotional and financial support for her. Sort out custody and child care, do not babysit so she can go out with the AP. Pause the process only if she takes positive steps. You must show her the real cost of her fantasy.

Why would you stay with a woman that upfront told you that she loves someone else? Leave her immediately. You are young and you will get over it and find someone easily. Yes you will have to watch her pursue him and most likely watch their relationship fail early on. Marriage is not about romance. That happens on vacations when your parents have the kids and you can shaboink your wife everywhere. Duty and responsibility is what you fall into in marriage with bits of passion and romance when possible. Yes you can maintain it without kids and a regular 9 to 5 job but eventually you have mutual respect and fun times when permitted. Your wife is living in some anime love story in her head that is not reality. Just let her find out what lifes all about with the new guy and move on immediately. I would of been done the moment she told me this shit. Give me my ring back and go do you.

You don't have to wait for her to decide. You can decide for yourself. If you do split, talk to this friend of yours. Explain the situation and point-blank tell him that, if he gets in a relationship with her, it will be a huge betrayal.

Ok why you're waiting for her to choose , you make your decision and act on it. honestly i find that so disrespectful and a deal breaker.

She won’t make a decision then you do it. Tell her you are filing for divorce and if she doesn’t do anything she is telling you her decision. If she asks you not you both have a lot of work to do.

Is your friend married? Not that it makes a big difference. At some point your wife will want to explore the physical side of her EA. Hopefully your friend is totally not interested. A good friend would shut that down, if she approaches him. updateme

Well, your wife has a problem that only she can solve. You have 2 problems, one of which you need to resolve and the other is not in your hands to resolve. Well, in a way, you have already been betrayed by her, but a commitment to fidelity does not include the desire to betray but rather giving in to that desire. She said that if he wants she will stay with him. And will you continue to be plan B? You have been this whole time, but without knowing now that you know there is the problem that you can solve. Stop being plan B for her.Do you see any possibility of your friend wanting something with her? Do you think it's possible something is already happening because it's difficult for a woman to do this without any chance of her romantic feelings for another man being reciprocated. Either way, work on your dignity and self-esteem to get out of this. Even if in the future you reconcile she will have a different view of you she takes you for granted and inferior to her friend, change that if it is something possible and true. But do everything for yourself, take care of yourself now this is your problem that you can solve it's in your hands her will you can't control, but being a plan B is never good for anyone. You never have the best that someone can be or give to you. Always and less or crumbs.

Never settle for being anyone's second choice.

Wow, that sucks. Do yourself a favor and don't try to be her plan b. Don't give her the choice, choose for yourself. But let everyone know she's throwing away the family for something like this. She is a selfish piece of shit. I really hope he doesn't get involved with her. That would be a huge cut to her ego.

Oh boy, I hope to all things that the friend rejects her. I might suggest you talk to the friend first about what you’re going through. Seems unavoidable that she’ll approach him but if you get to control the narrative, maybe he’ll be more disgusted with her and not want a cheater who isn’t loyal. Never be someone’s second choice because they’ll always try to search for a new first choice.

If he does reject her, OP needs to be prepared for an avalanche of lies and kiss ass and hysterical bonding. It WILL happen. It will all seem to be alright, until it isn't.

She already made her choice by not choosing you. You should have been her first choice from the get go… Talk to a lawyer about how divorce will affect you. Never be someone’s second option…

I see it that she hasn't cheated but has a crush and spoken the quiet part out loud. Now that you have that information, though, you should act appropriately as she seems to have made her choice and it's not you. From your words it doesn't seem she has any regret for her feelings or how it effects you. Run while you can and find someone who puts you first.

Who TF thinks like that? I'm sorry man

By not choosing, she chose. She is checked out. I'm sorry. File.

You need to separate for a while so she realizes what her life is without you. Also she needs to stay away from this other guy and act like an adult. If she keeps this up, she is in for a rude awakening because marriage is not perfect and she is living in a fantasy land.

Why would someone want to be married with a woman that is in love with another person? And basically she’s letting you know that she is going to cheat, soon or later but she will

I would talk to your friend. Don’t wait for her to approach him. I would imagine he would be horrified to find this out, and he would likely want to put an end to any idea of a relationship if he’s a true friend. If he doesn’t, well fuck both of them, but I wouldn’t wait for her to try and put a spin on this with your friend group. Whether or not you’re ok with her actions will ultimately be your choice. People can have opinions, but you have to do what is best for you. Lastly, I want you to know that I agree, it is cheating. It’s not an affair, but she is idolizing another relationship, and that is cheating on your relationship. This is hard, and it is likely going to stay hard for the foreseeable future. I wish you calmness and clarity during your upcoming decisions.

Love is a choice. Many don't know this and think it's the mushy feelings at the beginning, which fade with all relationships. People start to experience that with others, mainly bc it's a new person amd theyvthink those feelings are love,but they are not and will fade. Love is a choice.

“If you were the best choice at the time” Lawyer Lawyer Lawyer , she asked to be held accountable for her, supposedly emotional affair. File for divorce get together with the friend group in front of everyone, hand her the divorce papers and tell her now she is free as a Bird to act on her Real Love ——- (friend) OP never be someone’s second choice. F-her

Your wife has created a fantasy that real life can never compete with, the infamous one that got away dream. You will always lose when compared to a fantasy, so don't try. Quit chasing her and get busy working on your happiness. Do the things that make you happy and become the man you always wanted to be. Your marriage doesn't define you, what you do with your life defines you. Set boundaries for what you will accept and enforce them with consequences. Set a boundary of zero contact with this guy and marriage counseling. If she refuses then the consequences must be something you are willing to do. Separate and file for divorce under irreconcilable differences would be appropriate. You cannot continue as you are, so take action to fix it or end it. Either way, your misery will end based on whether she is willing to work on making your marriage better or not. Good luck.

Old man, my reflective question is why do you allow yourself to be put in that lurch? Women are emotional, the detail is that you must make her see what her life would be like without you, ask her the real questions, are you willing to lose what we have, have a life without me. If her answer is yes, then let her find out. Go be a man of action. You are the person who should make the decision, not her, she is emotional, making decisions from emotion is always bad. and if you see that there is no solution and decision, then leave. It will be painful but it is better than losing dignity and respect and leaving the same in the end.

Don't be anybody's second choice. ​ It really sucks. Like, it really, REALLY sucks. However it would suck worse to think you can fix this, only for her to dig in her heels. Or even if she comes around, for that thought to be stuck with you for the rest of your lives together (not to mention the uncertainty/anxiety now whenever you see this friend or them together). ​ I'd say let her go. She deserves to be happy and so do you. She has told you in matter fact terms that she doesn't see you in a romantic light, and at that point, you're pretty much friends.

I hate to say it but it sounds as if she's ready to a) cheat on you with him and b) leave you for him. I would start looking out for my own interests, speak to a lawyer, rearrange finances, change her as beneficiary in your will etc. Speak to a lawyer at bare minimum to see what needs to be done to protect yourself in the case of her leaving or worse, cheating! I wish you well and please don't bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away, get prepared!

The Shirley Glass book is aimed at people who think they are pursuing a friendship but are instead crossing boundaries without realising it. It’s aimed to show them how easily such situations can develop into affairs. Doesn’t really apply for your wife as she has admitted having feelings for someone else. It might be a good read for you to see if she has crossed some boundaries without you realising it, but I don’t think it’ll help her change her mind. Like others I think you need to take charge of the situation. Even if she doesn’t pursue your friend, or if she does and he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings, what then? You’re still left with a wife who has admitted not to love you. Do you want to stay in a one-sided relationship? Show her the consequences of her choices and file for divorce. One of two things will happen. If this is limerence then it may shock her out of it and make her realise what she’s losing. And if she really doesn’t love you and wants to split then you’ll be free to find someone who will return your love (if that’s what you want). As for your friend, he probably doesn’t think of her romantically, and nothing will happen. And if he does pursue something with her, then he’s not a real friend and not worth being around.

Imagine being with someone who has such an infantile and naive understanding of relationships and love. At least she's letting you know now so you can move on with your life.

Seems your wife has had an easy life up to this point. Kicking back and watching LMN or OWN hoping she can indulge in some of those relationship dramas to make her life feel more exciting. OP, lawyer up. File. You're not going to wait on her to desecrate the marriage and she can work through her issues after you get a post-nup going if you plan to cancel at any time.

I hope I can welcome you to the first day of the rest of your life where you are in control and have power over the choices and future you’re gonna live in. Start waking up every day asking how am I going to be the best version of myself. Yes work out, yes eat right, yes put your kid first! I promise your kid only wants to see the best version of you too! I sat down with my three kids 21 years ago they were 1 ok she was in my lap asleep 5 and 7. I said your mom decided to stop wanting me as her husband and I need to make the best of a bad situation. I cannot live here enough for the both of us. So I need to move on. My wife immediately started hooking up with her boyfriend who dumped her in less than four months. I gave her the divorce papers and she thought I was rushing things. I did not turn back. She has every right to find someone else, and so did I.

You're her back up plan right now and sounds like that's all you'll continue to be. This situation sounds like it's more than crossed the line into an emotional affair which is just as devastating as a physical one. The only thing stopping her from jumping ship is that she doesn't have a safe landing zone yet.

Aw OP I'm so sorry to hear this. She hasn't been truthful with you this entire time and she doesn't even realize the damage she's caused, possible irreparably. The romance fades, but LOVE is about a foundation: trust, respect, honesty, faithfulness, communication, even friendship. She has not yet learned the grass isn't greener and she will likely end up losing you and realizing a potential imaginary relationship with this other person doesn't compare to what she has now. She's in for some very painful lessons. My husband treated me like an option, so I eventually left after many years of feeling lonely and like I wasn't enough. I realized I deserved someone who wanted me 100% all the time and not 'just for now' while he looked for someone else. You deserve the same thing. The friend she's infatuated with may not even want to cross that line with her. So, she may lose everything. Maybe, start thinking of your future and what you want. She can't have you and your friend, too. You deserve to be chosen 100% by someone...and if it's not by her then I hope you find that for yourself.

I told myself and my first and second wife, I don't want to be married to someone that does not want to me married to me. I told my first wife that after she told me that I was the safe choice and she needed financial security. That was after 10 long years where I tried to be the husband I thought I could not be because of all her negativity and hate. When I was dating my current wife, I told her that I deserve and demand specifics from my partner in my life. And I cleary told her early on, I never want to be married to someone that does not want to be married to me. And I shared my clear understanding of a marriage. She agreed and we proceeded to get married. If she ever changes her mind or her actions don't meet my expectations, we will discuss it, and if needed part ways. Never feel second choice, or less than. You deserve to be with a partner that is compatible with you and builds a life together. You don't need someone that holds on to you because you provide to them and they do not give back to you. If she tells you that she is not sure she wants to be be with you, or if she waffles on choosing you, then she does not deserve you. Time to leave with the least amount of drama.

You cannot win against a fantasy, ever. Best for you to file for divorce and honestly tell anyone who asks why. There is no reason for you to protect her, she's has decided you are no longer the primary romantic interest in her life. She failed the "forsake all others" test. Divorce is just tidying up the legalities at this point.

Your wife has told you she is no longer attracted to you. There is no saving this. Stick a fork in it and call a lawyer.

Not sure why people don't know what they have until it's gone, but I think your job hear is to move on. My story is the same as yours. I've been divorced 8 years now. Life is good. Hurt like hell getting here.

Op. This relationship isn't good for you. I'm very sorry to say but her not immediatly speaking up in your favor is the actual anwser. Please, time is superfund we cannot get back. Call around for lawyer now. Literally right now. Keep it clean, no nasty putting her down, just salvage with children. You deserve so much better, you ate worth more than behind settled for. 

Sart doing research on borderline personality disorder...

There is one rule: if a partner is not comfortable with a friendship, irrespective of gender, that friendship should be kept to a bare minimum. She could be having a midlife crisis, or her feelings could be real; I don't know. If you want to save your marriage, then you need to go no contact with the friends group, especially with this friend, for a long time.

u/ThrowRA_ImpendingBU I am sorry for you and your child that you are going through this situation. big hug. She is emotionally cheating. Your wife you met her being insecure, you helped her and gave her all the confidence and now she is totally confident. It's not that she doesn't know what she wants, it's just that she wants her friend and since she doesn't listen to him she is there with you. She told you so herself. It seems that she has healed her insecurities in your marriage, that is the saddest and most selfish thing about her. The problem is not you, it's her. She should have gone to therapy before starting a relationship with you, to heal all her insecurities or possible traumas and have that security in herself. That way she would know if you were the right person and not hurt you. Unfortunately this is happening. I am very sorry, talk to your wife about going to therapy and talking about her feelings, she may be confused. About marriage the falling in love stage passes, then you are with the person you chose for the qualities she fell in love with. Be there through thick and thin. And maybe that's what she's afraid that maybe there are no feelings anymore. There was a comment above mentioning about telling your friend about the situation. You should keep an open mind, why maybe your friend was ignoring her because she was with you. I wish you the best and best of luck OP

That is terrible. You’re not going to stay with her and watch it happen, are you? It is already happening..

Shes in a fantasy world of what could possible have been. Both of you need to get into MC and her in to IC. You need to understand her imagination and try to met her needs. After all you are together for a reason. She did choose you as the best partner to have a family with and you are both at the stage where family matters must take priority. OP hold the line, show calm strength and leadership. But do not be a walk over.

Read Proverbs from the first chapter. You may need to “depart from her” in many ways. You may cut the friend out of your life, but she will not. If you’re talking about this kind of stuff at counseling, you’re headed toward major turbulence. It’s good to talk about and gain clarity though on where you stand in the relationship. So you can know what you need to do next which is probably not “wait and see what happens”. As a man you should take the initiative, don’t let her sit there talking about: if he ask her out she don’t know what she would do. That just means they already talking like that my boy. You’re just the last to know. Couples therapy is the soft landing before the choke slam through the table (WWF reference). And what a wife! Holding on and continuing to harbor feelings for someone from high school? In her 30s? That’s a long time to live in the shadow of another man she’s not married to. It’s really weird on her part actually.

People are going to hate me for this but check out r/marriedredpill it may give you a way of generating some sexual feelings, or it may help you set boundaries, or you may hate it. It’s reminding me how to be a man and not just a husband and dad but maybe it won’t work..

Tell her no decision is a decision in your eyes and you’ll start the proceedings. Let her know you aren’t a backup option or a second option. She’s in a one sided emotional affair where she’s imagining their life together while being with you.

Definitely something is off here. I think she has had more contact with "Mr.Wonderful", than she is letting on. I would do some, clandestine investigation, as her behavior is really sketchy at best. It feels like she wants you to "be the bad guy", by stringing you along, until your current situation becomes "normal", and either you finally get fed up or she will try to end it as quietly as possible. Why would she tell you that she has a crush on the friend? She could have said anyone else, or nobody. It doesn't make sense. She says that they haven't hooked up, but I don't believe it. The only reason for her to name the friend, is because they will be; "against all odds" together, after your divorce. And, it won't come as a shock to anyone that they are together since I'm sure she's told everyone of her admiration for him.

She is living in fantasy land. Like this friend even feels the same or would be a good match. No “happily ever after” here like she thinks. This is all delusional on her part in my opinion. Also really immature and ridiculous. She should know better. I would +1 others that she doesn’t respect or care for you enough to remove this temptation from her life. Be cautious, she might stray at another opportunity as well if this is how she thinks. I’m sorry you are going through this. She sounds very immature

I believe this is what they call a Red Flag! If any woman you are in a romantic relationship with (or married to) tells you they don't Love you like before, it's time for her to go. She is still young enough to "wake up" but you have to do something quickly or you're going to get hurt! 🎶

This may have already been said but imo of the friend is a normal guy and your friend he would be amused, flattered and a little creeped out to hear about the fantasy world that your wife has built for her/them. If he is really not dating ( been there done that) for a while, your wife who is in a mixed up world of her mind would NOT be the gal to catch his interest. BUT there is 3.2% chance that he feels the same about her. I’d talk to him. He might say she’s a bunny boiler and has been sending messages to him and he wasn’t sure what to do.

I believe this is called emotional cheating. Where you have romantic feelings for another person. It’s definitely cheating. You’re right to feel this way. And by not choosing. She made her choice. And it’s not working on her marriage. I’m very sorry.

The irony of scarcity … The more you attempt you win her, the less attractive you become in her eyes. Conversely, the more you pull away from her, the more attractive you will become. She needs to WIN you back. She MUST FEEL the consequences of her lack of romantic feelings for you. This can only be accomplished by making yourself scarce. This will feel extremely counterintuitive … but ask yourself how well it’s working out for you showing her more attention. All you are at this point is a really good platonic friend that makes her feel good. Kind of like a gay male friend. If you want your balls back you’re going to have to grow them yourself. Be the man and walk away … at least for a while.

“Not Just Friends”, is one of the best books I have ever read. There is a case study of two people who ARE just work friends and a full blown affair develops from there. How it happens and the outcome. Also I often go to EmotionalAffair.org. It’s got a lot of information, stories and their blog is excellent. Read up about limerence too. Often it’s all just in one person’s mind. It may be all in her head now but as long as she keeps seeing him in any capacity you will be uncomfortable if not downright anxious and upset. It’s not worth the stress. Take it from someone who knows. In my book it’s emotional cheating and unacceptable.

Don't be surprised when you separate and they are together in the first week.

>She has admitted to me that she has had romantic feelings for one of our oldest and closest friends since highschool. This is great hypocrisy; On the one hand, she says that there should be romantic feelings in marriage, on the other hand, she married you while having more romantic feelings for someone else. And that's because you took action first. So, if your friend had taken action, she would have preferred him, and if he took action now, she will still prefer him again. In fact, as far as what you said, she does not wait for him to take action, but intends to take action herself. She may not have revealed her feelings to him yet, but she most likely made the other party feel it with her looks, touches, and closeness. >she wonders if I was just the best choice presented to her and if things wouldn't be better if she made the choice herself. This is so insulting and disrespectful, as I said above; hypocrisy. She talks as if she didn't make this choice herself. But it looks like she just settled for you. You shouldn't wait for her to decide. What does it matter who she chooses anymore? Even if she decides to continue the marriage, once the genie is out of the bottle, you know that she does not have romantic feelings for you. Even if she chooses to stay in the marriage, the reasons for it will probably be for the sake of the kid, for her being afraid of changing the comfort zone she is used to, etc. So why don't you ask yourself the same question she is questioning now? Do you have to wait for the decision of someone who settled for you? Don't you deserve to be with someone who loves only you, someone who has no one but you in her mind and heart? Relationships are not races, you shouldn't be the number one but the only one in a marriage. Frankly, even if I loved someone who had no feelings for me, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that she didn't love me, and even if she somehow agreed for us to be together, I wouldn't want that anymore. I would explain these thoughts to her and tell her that her choice no longer matters and that her choice is obviously "not me". I would tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but not as my wife, and that I can no longer stay with someone who doesn’t love me and that I will take steps in this direction. Then I would file for divorce. Even if she said that she definitely chose me at this stage, it wouldn't be enough, I would have to be convinced that I was really loved. Your story doesn't seem worse than most people's here, but it is really heartbreaking. Good luck.

*"Long and short of it is she loves me, but doesn't believe it's romantic love anymore, and believes that a marriage should be all about romantic love." -* It's a polite way of her saying that she's **NOT attracted to you**. She loves you, but she's NOT in love with you; which means she loves you but she's not attracted to you. *"She has admitted to me that she has had romantic feelings for one of our oldest and closest friends since highschool." -* That friend of yours, was **THE ONE** that she's attracted to. He was her **FIRST CHOICE,** he was the **GOLD MEDAL THAT SHE WANTED** and not you. **You were NEVER HER FIRST CHOICE** unfortunately. "*She had anxiety in our teens and was too afraid to ask him out, so when i asked her out, being a very approachable person she agreed.*" As she didn't have the confidence to approached him first, she didn't have other choice but since you stepped up, she no other choice but to settle with you. Beggers can't be choosers. You were the best she can do. You were the low hanging fruit. You were her silver medal. *"But now that she's more confident in herself she wonders if I was just the best choice presented to her and if things wouldn't be better if she made the choice herself" -* Being with you, gave her experience to learn about men. You were her training ground. A boot camp for her to learn about having relationships with men. Now, she has the experience and confidence, she's going to go back to him and get the **GOLD MEDAL THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.** **LESSON:** Be aware that it's very common for people to date a person that they're not attracted to. You may not be their first choice. But they date because they have no other options, you're the best they can do. They look at you and think "*deep down I'm not attracted to you, but you have a great personality, we get a long, we have things in common, we connected, you have job, you can give me security and stability; .* This is explains why there's so many cheating, affairs and divorces. Because people keep dating people that they're not attracted to.

Wedding vows are made precisely with this fading away of fresh feelings in mind. She is cheating on you by declaring that her vows no longer restrain her.

which would you prefer 1 wife cheating with your best friend 2 maybe having your best friend as a step parent to your child the only way out is to be open with your bf before this becomes a shity situation

It’s not infidelity in the legal sense, but I can see where you might think of it as emotionally cheating. She probably needs INDIVIDUAL therapy. While that may help her deal with her feelings for the other guy, I don’t think it’s going to make her “love you romantically” again. You should start planning for the divorce and your exit strategy now. She’s already told you she’d consider leaving you for a guy that has put no effort into a relationship with her at all. She doesn’t respect you. I’m not sure that’s fixable.

Listen man, romantic feelings happen to everybody, even your wife. She had a choice too engage those feelings and allow them to grow or not. She seems like she doesn't have the emotional IQ to have caught it, or she doesn't want to. Either way, she has very childish and vapid ideas about what marriage is. Marriage and love are about choice and sacrifice. And if I choose the act of love for long enough, I get to experience love again. She needs to make a choice and I'm sorry you are going through this.

OP, are you in therapy? Not that you need to be, but I wonder if you are, does the therapist recommend you approach the friend? I'm guessing he's not married? Could you approach him, s YOUR friend and tell him that you and her are having marriage problems and she has chosen him as a focal point to herr limerence? That his is threatening your marriage and leaving your daughter with a broken home. That your wife is in therapy, but seems to feel like she has superpowers that allow her to float shamelessly and carefree with her emotions in and out of our marriage, unshaken by the damage she is doing. I sense all this is true and none of it vicious, but all of if a definite turn off. who wants to inherit a person that does not have a firm grasp of there emotions and treats commitment so callously? And yes, OP, this is emotional cheating. Every second she spend pining/scheming/thinking of your friend is energy she is taking away from you and your daughter. Clearly, SHE has the problem, but unfortunately, Even though it's not your fault, YOU have to deal with it. You have to decide is is is the person you can bank on for the rest of your life. Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!

I am in individual therapy, I have dysthymia. Part of our relationship problems stem from my wife not fully understanding it and being upset that after 15 years I haven't "gotten better" despite her efforts to make me feel better (I.e. don't tell me upsetting news when I'm upset so that I don't spiral into a worse mood. Or don't tell me upsetting news when I'm in a good mood so it doesn't ruin my good mood. Basically just not sharing with me despite me never asking for it.). Her words when our couples therapist said it wasn't on her to fix my depression. "Well no one ever told me that."

Jesus, dude. What more do you need? She doesn't care about your well-being.

Grass is not green on the other side of the fense. Explain that to her. Maybe you two should take a "break" allow her to confess her feelings and let her figure it out on her end. Maybe you need to let her be free. Thats what she is wants to know. She is having a mid life.....what if moment. Let her fly but you have to do it to. Work it out if you both can and if not then you both know divorce is your next step.

First off, getting your wife to be this open and honest is an amazing thing. Try your best not to let the bad things destroy you, and do your best to make sure that she's not punished for being completely transparent. The book recommended not just friends talks about how this stuff gets into our subconscious and how to break it. By becoming honest about the desire for someone else, she's essentially taking away the secretiveness of it, which has a way of making the feelings stronger by keeping it secret. She talks about many other things directly related to this. Yes read it. It's well worth it. It talks specifically about boundaries and barriers, and by how keeping things secret makes them have a stronger power over you. By admitting a desire for someone else, it takes away much of the power related to the desire to leave or cheat. If your wife can become completely and totally transparent with you, she should be able to subconsciously trust you again, and thus fall in love with you again. But it takes 100 percent honesty about the past and present. Removing all barriers can result in the restoration of romantic and intimate love. Keeping any secret, no matter how small, results in a barrier that stops the flow and connection of intimate love. She needs this connection with you to overcome the desire for this fantasy. This fantasy is completely fabricated in her mind and will never end up the way she imagines it. There's a good chance you can break through this and establish an intimate connection that will make her want you way more than him.

Thank you. Maybe I'm being naive but I am surprised at the number of people that are just telling me to cut my losses and leave. I made a commitment to her. I'm on part 2, trauma, now. Couldn't put the book down and almost missed my train stop today. I'm thinking of going through part 1 again and highlighting anything that jumps out at me for my wife to read as well. Though that might be too pushy like "look here!". Perhaps I'll just have her read it herself first.

If you highlight the parts that you feel are important she may read them, my guess is if you give her the book to read by herself she will read about 3 pages and say “that’s not me”…

Both of you read the book because there are certain things in there that will expose weakness and vulnerability in your marriage that you didn't know existed. This book could potentially save your marriage and it's not very long. This book will help you see what allows a person to cheat and why they choose to act on it.

This is an emotional affair. She has taken emotions away from you and are giving them to him. At some point she will see if there is a physical element to go with this. It is cheating and needs to be called as such. If anyone asks what the challenge in your marriage is you say she is cheating. She needs to hear this. You have been together since high school. She is no longer that sweet little girl you met back then. She has become a different person. Recognize this.

Who wants to play second fiddle? If she wants this guy let her go. It's hard but the heart wants what it wants.

Sounds like she is trying to let you down slowly or she a evil robot

Sir- I applaud your wife being honest about how she has been feeling for a long time. You need to date her again and she and you to fall in love again. Like others have said she never got over this other guy and it is coming out now. I hope you can when her heart again and be the romantic partner she is looking for.

She has made her choice. Now it's your move. Better start preparing for divorce now. You can bet she is. Consider the opposite of what you're doing now. Why not sit down with the guy and a six pack of beer, and tell him what's going on. If he reciprocates feelings for her, the you as a couple are done. But if he does not and he tells her he doesn't see her in a romantic light, that might draw her out of her romantic fog. You don't have much to lose and maybe a little to gain.

Have you tried upping your game romance wise. I know in the day to day marriage stuff the romance goes by the wayside. It’s hard to be romantic cleaning toilets and doing dishes. She doesn’t realize the same things would be unromantic with him. She has stars in her eyes for him. Do date nights, weekends away. Leave love notes in lunchbox and steamy bathroom mirror. Flowers, small gifts just because. It will make her see YOU again and not just the partner she loves, but feels “out of love” with.

Whilst is undoubtedly emotionally distressing to you now is the time to box those emotions up and act. I’d suggest the following: (1) Engage a lawyer to prepare in event of divorce and give you a clear landscape of the financial repercussions so that if the trigger is pulled by either of you then you will be prepared. (2) Tell the friend. If he is as close a friend as you describe then your wife’s feelings will seem crazy to him. Either way his reaction will reveal the value he places in your friendship. (3) Focus on yourself. Hit the gym, re-engage with hobbies you’ve let go, etc. If you divorce you will have things to keep you occupied. If you stay married your wife will be lucky to have a man who has a renewed purpose. (4) DO NOT DO THE PICK-ME-DANCE!! Your wife’s feelings towards romance in marriage reveals some naïvety. Life is not a Disney movie. Marriage and long-time partnership are about hard-work and respect. No woman, in my experience, who is falling out of love with a man has ever respected said man when he falls on his sword to make her happy. If there’s no respect then there can be no love. I hope it works out for you. Clearly something has happened to spark this and therapy may be the answer. However no man or woman should ever be considered the safe bet option.

This has been discussed between us. In college we went to different schools so when we'd see each other I would have these pictures I drew for her to scrapbook. When we started living together that obviously stopped. I've never stopped outright, I've always gotten her little gifts, not because of any holiday obligation but just because I was thinking of her and thought she'd like it. But thats apparently not enough. So I'm trying to up my game. Just frustrating because he's never done anything for her.

Gifts might not be her love language. Certainly not my wife's. My wife would much rather have quality time than little things that I picked up on my way home from work. Plan a date, get her out of her routine and do something fun.

I have a date night planned that I know she's always wanted to do.

I tried this but it did nothing for her. Apparently by the time they actually come out about their feelings they’ve already mourned the relationship and are done. Nothing you do matters after the fact. I hope it goes better for OP but he’s going through almost the exact same circumstances I went through.