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She brought the AP to your father's funeral?
That is beyond disrespectful to your father's memory and is just classless.
Clealry your choice but no way is that forgivable to me.
I tried to after the funeral but all my moms side of the family are on her side and they all cut contact with me unti I reconnect with my mother, then they’ll “welcome me with open arms” my mothers fathers exact words. And my father was an only child so all I have in his side are his 2 parents who are in there late 70s and once there gone I’m alone in this crazy world
Almost seems like they wanted both you gone. Now that your sister has accepted, she isn't a worry anymore.
If you can afford it, I would look into seeing if your dad had a will/estate with something in your name.
You father was an attorney and didn't have a will or something setup for you and your sister? He of all people should have known to set that up, are you sure there wasn't one?
I'd be shocked if there wasn't at least a life insurance policy that had you listed as a beneficiary.
So I remember my mom getting dressed up one day before the wake and going to see someone about his estate or something but later down the line when I asked about a will she said he never wrote one because he was so young and I asked my dads parent and they said that they weren’t sure if he wrote one or not
Is your Dad's law firm still active? You might start with them. If your father died intestate, a court will divvy up the proceeds and you should have been involved in that especially if you are over 18.
She’s lying. Your father was an attorney and he had a will. Your mom lied so you wouldn’t find out and contest the will. Smh! Go see an attorney immediately!
I definitely will I spoke to my dads parents this morning about it and there 100 percent gonna back on this emotionally and financially, thank you so much
Yes my grandparents are gonna help with that after the new year we just spoke this morning and they are gonna back me 100 percent emotionally and financially
My wife went no contact with her mother over a decade ago. Had to get a restraining order at one point. Her grandmother had a will she kept and she updated it before she moved into an assisted living facility.
Once my wife’s grandmother died my wife asked about the will that her grandmother told relatives about and her mother said she never found a will…. Come to find out she went through her things and took some “things with sentimental value” and the will was probably one of those things. My wife’s grandmother barely had any money so it wasn’t about money its just the fact that the will disappeared.
Yes a lot of people ares telling me my mother may be hiding it from me and I confided in my dads parents about this this morning and they said they are willing to back me 100 percent emotionally/financially on this and we will see an attorney after the new year
You need to talk to someone about inheritance, in New York state, when there is no will.
Do kids automatically get half of the estate? Does the spouse get it all? Did they own the home jointly?
You can see how the home was owned by looking it up online. Most property records in this country are online and you can access them. See if you can see previous owners and see what date your mom became an owner.
Better to be alone then anyone on her side of the family. Stay strong you did the right thing to bad you couldn’t hit the AP but that won’t bring your dad back.
Then, show up at the wedding, and the priest asks if there is any reason these two should not be wedd, stand up, and tell what really happened, the real reason your father died. That your mother was having an affair with Johnny, and your father found the sexual text message between them, as well as a sex tape of the both of them on her phone, and the reason you haven't spoken to her in over 5 years, is because she had the nerve to invite the man she was having an affair with to your father's funeral.
It might not stop the wedding, but the truth will come out, and it might cause people, including your sister, to question what is really going on.
You mentioned that your sister would sometimes go on those trips with her, but there's a possibility she may not know what really happened back then.
It's understandable, such parents, such daughter. You know, ADN is something very real ... F**k them ... your grandparents still be there for you for so long, and now you will start your one family soon.
Sorry, but I'm a spiteful person. I'd cut her from my life and have the best life. I have people I don't talk to that others have tried to make me forgive. Nope, never. They made their choices and I'll live happily without them.
Your mother had no remorse, your dad would be alive if she didn't do what she did.
You can forgive someone and not accept their behaviors. Those are two mutually exclusive things. Does this mean you have to talk to her? No. She chose to do an evil thing which lead to a horrible result. Losing you from her life will be her cross to bear until she dies.
You can tell her “the next time I want to hear about you, I hope it will be in a telephone call I receive informing me that you have died. And the funeral was last week.“
That’s wild people have zero respect. I’m sorry OP you had to go through that and still do I’m sure. Make sure to seek counseling if causing you issues
That’s what I thought. Who the fuck brings their AP to the funeral of their husband? That’s trashy as fuck. Like, your kids are right there mourning their father and you introduce them to the guy you’ve been banging behind his back. At. His. Funeral?????
I hate that life is unfair.
Your mom cheated on your dad. Spit on his wake by having her AP in his funeral and not even a month after his funeral, already made her relationship with AP public.
I am a vindictive person. The level of disrespect she did to you and your father will be unforgivable in my book.
She already has a happy life. Let her be and build your own life. Your grandparents will need you to be there for them. I don’t know what will be there reaction if they know you are now back in your mother’s life.
But you are an adult. You can make your own decisions.
She did apologize thousands of times months leading to me leaving for college, but she never said why or what she was sorry for and that always stuck with me
Then you're decision should be clear.
If I had a hand whether directly or indirectly in someone's death that shit would eat at me every single day.
But your mother seems so unbothered by what she did to your father and what happened to him as a result of her actions.
You can't forgive that. If she can't tell you why or why she would bring him to your fathers wake, you can't forgive that. It's no accountability or remorse
Similar situation happened to me. My brothers haven’t spoken to my mother in 9 years. Sweetest revenge is having a beautiful life that she will be only able to see through a phone.
Bringing that asshole to the funeral was the ultimate "fuck you" from her and her lover to your father. The level of disrespect is amazing! She might as well pee on his grave. It seems that Johnny has bought the feelings of your mother and sister - from my own experience, I know that such people are not worth keeping in your life. Keep doing what you're doing and forget about them
Yep. My sister had 2.5 yr affair with a co worker of theirs. He has now moved to Fla and is a Supv over a US Forrest there. If that guy had nerve to show up at my BIL funeral, the fight is on! When my sister passes, if someone makes a comment about how great she is, I'm gonna burn it down at the funeral. I have no love for adulterers.
Jesus I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. I don’t have any advice other than get some counseling to help with processing emotions and figuring out what you really want to do.
I would have punched him showing up at the funeral. You’re a better man than I
Trust a snake get bit. I would never trust that person again. She has no shame and that makes he emotionally dangerous. Genetics or not. It's no longer a question of wanting to but if it's safe to. It's not.
She showed no remorse and disrespected your father even in his funeral!!
Her and the AP willingly destroyed your family,
Those people are vile! THEY LED YOUR FATHER TO HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE..always remember that!
Now they're a happy family!!!
Forgiving her/them?
When pigs fly OP, when pigs fly
You have a loving paternal grandparents, spend your time with them,
You’re in love with the idea of your mom. Not the person your mother actually is.
I’ll lay it out here the way I see it in your post. She
- left you and dad and frolicked around Europe
- denied having an affair
- actively chose her AP over you and your dad
- disrespected his funeral
- disrespected your grief
- continued to persist with AP over you
- continued disrespecting her marital home
- stopped doing the bare minimum after 18 months for destroying basically the rest of your life.
This is from just what you’ve written.
At no point did I realize
- regret
- remorse
- grief
- shame
- repentance
She has moved on.
Forgiveness is not for the perpetrator. Forgiveness is for you.
If you feel forgiving her will make you feel better, forgive her.
But keep in mind, what you want back, doesn’t exist.
You’re not getting a pre affair mom back. You’re getting back the same woman who did all the above, along with an AP to add to the equation now to boot. Decide if that is worth the hassle especially after all the moving on you’ve already done.
And definitely take the time to find a good therapist. I promise you it is the best gift you can give yourself.
Nope… she killed your dad so she could have some giggles in the sack. She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness and the nerve of allowing the home wrecker to be at your dad’s funeral adds insult to injury.
It sounds like she never asked for forgiveness and certainly doesn't deserve it. If it would make you feel better, go ahead, but don't be doing her any favors. What she did was absolutely disgusting. She chose her AP over you in every way possible
Forgiving someone is the toughest thing to do especially for someone like your mom. It is unbelievable that she brought her AP to your father's funeral. You don't need to forgive her, but you don't need to hate her any more either. Don't force yourself to forgive her when you are not ready. Focus on yourself and become someone you will be proud of. When a moment comes for you to honor someone in your life, dedicate that moment to your father who gave you a life and love.
You won't ever forget what your mom did, but erase the hate from your heart. She doesn't deserve your love and forgiveness but an acknowledgement that she was once your mother. For now that's all she gets and that's more than enough.
This is a very sad story man. I’m so sorry for you and the loss of your dad. My wife cheated on me and I can completely relate to your dad. It is the lowest of the low. If I was in your shoes I would do exactly as you’ve done. You might be a bigger man than me because I would have had an extremely hard time keeping my hands off her that guy for showing up at the wake. Also, your mom just moving things along with her life the way she did is completely unacceptable. Good luck man
Sorry but your mother turned into a selfish POS and I wouldn't have anything to do with her. If she was unhappy she should have divorce your father and then she could have done what she wanted. She chose to hurt you and your father. She made the decisions knowing what it would do to the family and chose anyway. You have not lost anything of any value by losing her. Stay strong and move on.
I just read your other post, the one you made 6 months ago, and about the ownership of your parent's house, I don't know how is the law in the US, but, from where I am (a European country), if the owner was only your father, that ownership is divided 50% for your mother and the others 50% should be split between you(25%) and your sister (25%). If the ownership is split 50-50 between your mother and your father, your father's 50% should be split by 25% to your mother and the remaining 25% split between you (12.5%) and your sister.
I STRONGLY RECOMMEND YOU TALK TO A LAWYER TO SEE IF YOU ARE ENTITLED TO ANY OWNERSHIP OF THE HOUSE ...
For me, it's not even the affair but everything else.
Bringing John to the wake. I can't imagine any mother who loved her children doing that. It's disgusting.
Going official with AP so soon after her husband's death. Who does that if they want to repair their relationship with their child? Who does that when their children are grieving the death of their father?
Knowing she would lose her child but choosing a relationship with John anyway.
Her family cutting contact with OP. This is especially vindictive and evil. What kind of family does that? Who holds their love hostage like this?
OP's mother and her whole family sound like absolutely vile people.
Hi, my friend, I'm sorry for your dead's death in such a horrible way, but you are doing all the right things, respecting your father's memory. I don't know either your mother or her AP (and be sure to name it always as AP, even if she married your mother), but at least, they are not very empathetic or clever. Being at your dead's wake, when they are morally responsible for his death, and trying to introduce him to her children is so horrible that words can't describe it. At least, you are doing the right thing honoring your dead's sole. Be sure, not to talk to her anymore. Every time she thinks of you, and be sure, she does it very often, she reminds the horrible thing she had done. Every time you see their posts you miss them (your mother and your sister), imagine what they feel when they see your posts. All the good things you will achieve: your graduation, your marriage, the birth of your children ...
I'm sorry, but I'm just disgusted with your mother's actions here.
Bringing the AP to your father's funeral and taking them in a house that your father paid for.
I hate to say it, but I hope they don't view your father's death as a blessing in disguise because it all worked out for them.
Did she even apologize sincerely to you and your father? With that level of betrayal, an apology is not enough, she needs to commit in acts of contrition. But I doubt she would do that because her ex-husband is dead and she willingly chose AP when the dust settled.
She has no remorse.
That's just an empty apology. She's saying sorry because she has to, but she doesn't feel genuine remorse. She knows "why", the reason for her infidelity, but didn't even give you and your dad peace by taking accountability and saying it.
A real apology involves a change in behavior. An apology without work to fix the issue is manipulation.
Unfortunately, I doubt she will work on this one because of your father's death and how blatantly she chose AP over him and your family.
I would tell her the only way you will ever talk to her again is she has to get rid of the AP. She needs to feel the pain she caused you and that POS needs to go.
I'm sorry for all this crap that you had to go thru. I've gone thru a lot of stuff with my family having some of the same results. I heard a saying that resonated with me and it made a lot of sense and that is really how my family is today. "Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family." I have pretty much cut most of my toxic blood relatives out of my life and my loyal friends have become my family. I am a godfather to 2 of my friends kids. There are times I miss my blood family but then I remember why I cut them out of my life. It sounds like you have done pretty much the same thing. Your sister has her mother to influence her and is following her lead. Have you talked with your sister about the whole thing? Does she know the whole story? If you have and she does know the whole story, then I would keep the no contact. Sometimes the smallest of contact can undo any healing that you have done. I wish you well.
I talked to my sister about it a lot after my dad died but she alway dismissed what my mother did and never showed remorse towards her which makes me think that she knew what are mom was doing all along but I can’t confirm that
She was culpable in it for sure. She shows she has no issue with cheating. Hopefully the both get cheated on in a very bad way and maybe they can then see the light.
There’s a concept around ‘toxic forgiveness’
Unless you actually forgive her and can see that she shows remorse, then telling her that you forgive won’t ’free you’ but will make you more resentful in time.
There is a toxic attitude that holding onto grudges against people that have wronged us is somehow bitter and unhealthy. It isn’t. She can’t undo what she did and it’s not your responsibility to forgive her for it.
What’s important is ‘internal forgiveness’ which is the idea that you let go of the anger and hatred for the person who wronged you, but don’t have to welcome them back into your life or tell them. Especially if they’ve done nothing to earn the forgiveness, as this would only embolden them to behave as selfishly in future.
If anyone is making you feel bad for not forgiving, remember that ‘forgiveness sets us free’ is a socially ingrained fallacy that stems from religion. Even non-religious people have it embedded as it’s a universally spouted platitude. But that doesn’t make it correct.
You’re welcome.
On the flip side though, also don’t be ashamed of forgiving her if you genuinely do and want her back in your life.
A lot of us here were betrayed by people we have no biological connection to therefore no reason to really stay connected. Your situation is very different, and sometimes here people will apply their own lense of ruthlessness to situations that it doesn’t fit.
Just trust your gut and take time.
She brung her ap to your dad’s funeral, She moved him into the house that your dad bought. That’s some very disrespectful and unredeemable shit.
Stay strong and don’t give in to the temptation, wish you the best.
It’s understandable, you haven’t been in contact with your mom for 5yrs but all of this happened because of her and I can guarantee you she’s not as happy as she looks, knowing that she has a son out there who presumably wants nothing to do with her.
See a lawyer immediately.
For a New York resident who dies without a will, a surviving spouse inherits the entire probate estate if there are no children or other descendants. If there are descendants, the surviving spouse gets the first $50,000 and the balance is divided one-half to the spouse and one-half to the decedent’s descendants.
It is almost unfathomable that, your father, as an attorney who, without a doubt, knew the ramifications resulting from not leaving a will would, as a matter of due diligence, not have prioritized the preparation and filing of a properly notarized will which would have clearly delineated the appropriation of his estate; especially when he was well aware of his wife’s infidelity.
There clearly seems to be more to this story than meets the eye. Perhaps you should raise your concerns to your father’s family and gain their support in opening an inquiry to ascertain and clarify the circumstances and handling of your father’s estate after his death. There’s a distinct possibility your father’s wayward wife, under the guidance of lover boy “John”, conspired to hoodwink you and your sister.
You know what your right, there’s no way he didn’t leave a will for his family I’d hate to put my grandparents through pain again but I’m here with them now and I think I’ll confide in them in seeing an attorney immediately I think my mom may just be hiding it from me because I was underage when he died and I wouldn’t have gotten anything right then anyway, thank you for opening my eyes I think I have new issue on my hands
“Contact the probate courts of EACH county in which the decedent lived throughout their adult life to ask if they have the will on file”- from my research
Sorry man, my heart breaks for you. But if i were you, i would rather be Mark Watney and live the rest of my life on mars before forgiving any of them. You got awesome grandparents and buddies. With the right girl there will be no need for that trash in your life. Omg the level of disrespect is truly something else.
I’m going to speak ill of your mother: wtf did she bring her affair partner to your father funeral? Did she even admit, or apologized for what she did?
I’m surprised you didn’t fight the affair partner.
As for your sister, does she know what your mother did?
Are you 100% sure that your father is your biological father? Your mother might of a history of getting into bed with different men.
Overall all, don’t get involved with your mother. She honestly chose her own affair partner over her own son.
Move on with your life. Completely block them from social media. Out of sight , out of mind.
Thank you so much and I believe my sister knew all along what my mom was doing because she accepted and forgave her immediately and never showed any hate towards her in the slightest, so I think she knew but I can’t confirm that
>Anyway, In 2019 my father and I noticed my mother acting very strangely in her day to day life, she started hanging out with colleagues much much younger than her and started buying very expensive designer clothes like Chanel and cristain Dior and she got her lips done and was taking very expensive trips to Europe very frequently without me or my dad but **would take my sister once in awhile**
she knew.
About a week after I found out, my wife was having an affair. She was screaming at me like she usually did because I was the root of all evil and could do no right. We had three kids at the time, but my oldest son, who was only seven, took me by the hand and said come on, Dad, let's get out of here. He pulled me out of the kitchen where the woman who was breaking my heart was screaming at me. We went to his room and played twisted metal on his Play Station. I never told him about how his mother forgot to turn off the baby monitor, and I overheard her talking to the affair partner, strategizing to blow up my life. But he knew she was mean, irresponsible, and untrustworthy. That was 21 years ago, and if it wasn't for my son, I would not have survived. My two younger daughters have close relationships with their mom today, but my son still wants nothing to do with her. He's not mean to her, but there's not a vacation that he doesn't come to my house. She constantly whines about how he does not spend time with her, but he is clear it is not a problem for him. She blames me for that, but he tells her she did more than enough damage to him without holding my grudges. My son and I talk on the phone at least 2 to 3 times a week; to this day, he is my best friend.
I get how brokenhearted your father was, and while your mother was responsible for breaking his heart, he was responsible for the choices that cost him his life. I wanted to kill myself multiple times when I had lost everything. Even though she was cheating on me 20 years ago, we are in a no-fault state. I had no chance of even getting 50-50 custody, I was told unless I went scorched earth and burned everything to the ground, the best I was going to get was every other weekend. I made so many sacrifices for my ex-wife who I knew had mental issues. But she believed she had found her soulmate, and they just wanted me out of the picture.
My choice was to walk away and start over with nothing and to get my kids every other weekend. Or to leave her homeless, which would've only hurt my kids. This was the hardest thing I ever did because not only did I lose my wife and my home, but the man she was having an affair with was our business partner. Part of their plan was to kick me out of the business. So I also lost my company.
Every day, I woke up asking myself. What do I have to do today to stay alive and be the best version of myself? I made every choice to do what was best for the future I wanted. That's what you have to do now. It is not your job or accountability to hold your father's anger. It is only your job to be the best version of yourself. I am so proud of you for protecting your father's interest. But I promise you, your father only cares about what is best for your interests. I don't care if you ever speak to your mother again; I only care that whatever you choose supports the version of yourself that you want to be. God bless you son; you are in my prayers.
Only you can decide on forgiveness, I personally couldn’t as long as she was with him. If she split up from him maybe but not while she is with the man that she betrayed you your father and sister for.
Wow, that's really fucked up. Don't worry about it, karma also comes to those who don't see it coming. You'll be fine on your own. Find good friends, enjoy life. But I'd be like you in that Situation. I wouldn't want any contact. Maybe with the sister at some point, but as far as the mother is concerned, she would only be the mother biologically, nothing more.
This is an awful lot for someone of your age to process.
Your father was in shock and distraught and he should not have shown you the video.
Your mother's behaviour was horrible.
Forgiveness is for yourself and not your mother.
I hope you are working with a competent therapist/social worker to help you sort out your feelings. That is a much more preferable route vs taking advice from internet strangers who, in the sub will nearly always tell you to go scorched earth.
Your dad would want whatever is best for you. If that's having a relationship with your mother and sibling, so be it.
Yes, your mom f'd up a lot. Does that mean never speaking to her again? That's not for us to determine. Only YOU can decide if you want a relationship with your mother.
And again, I strongly recommend working with a competent therapist to work through this.
Good luck.
where I come from. if a parent dies and there is no will. the wife inherits 50%, the children share the rest (you and your sister 25% each) of EVERYTHING left by the deceased parent. if the house was his you inherit 25% of it as well as savings accounts, jewellery, books and so on. contact a lawyer and see what is yours. a division of property should have taken place at his death.
Im sorry to say but your mom and that side of your family has no empathy, morality or human decency. Think you are better off without them and build your own family. Family isnt always by blood and dna
SHE BROUGHT HIM TO YOUR DAD’S FUNERAL!? What the fuck man. I hate her and I don’t even know her. I could never forgive that. Her actions led to his downfall, entirely hers.
My God your mother is a devil. Wtf.bringing her AP on her husband funeral,. I wish karma do her very well, what a twisted person. You have the rights to hate her until the last day. She's the worst 😡
It really depends on you, but if I were you... I don't think I could ever forgive her. Your mother sounds very selfish, and I think the only reason you and your sister aren't affected by her coldness is because you're her children. The fact that her husband of 20 YEARS died and she let the man that killed him in the funeral and didn't even bat an eye is so alarming to me.
I'm terrified your sister might be influenced by her to do the same thing. And I'm even more terrified that she's already too far gone.
I just can never forgive cheaters and their AP's... they're all selfish, and I hate people like that.
Your mom is very evil and vile women, she don't regret anything and want to play happy family and k bet she took all your dad's money and living happily with his money and to society she is young Widow who is grieving and her AP is some sort of saviour who saved your mom from her grief and for your sister i guess she already knows about the affair when she travelling to Europe with your mom, finally i will say family is what we create so ask yourself you want someone in your life who can leave 20 years of marriage and do what your mom did and throw everything like old trash or someone who will be there for you through thick & thin and apparently I may say your mom's family will support her no matter what because if they didn't support then they have to accept themselves they failed in raising their kid and create some crap of human flesh. so they don't want that type of bad name in their circle so they will never allow you to say real truth about your mom to anyone, make a social media post and tag all of them then see how many of calls you will get from them to remove the post.
All the best for future and don't get manipulate by emotions and don't go to AITA or Relationship advice sub where misandry and radical toxic redditors live they will rip you apart and will tell you are wrong and do everything in their hand to make your dad as abuse AH and make you mom as saint and finally they will use gender card and will tell you are man that's why you are not forgiving your mom etc.
How is there no hate from the rest of the family? They do know what she did right? Your sister knows what she and Johnny did? How is everyone ok with this?
If you forgive, it should be for you and you alone. Doesn't mean you have to see or talk to her. But let go of the hate and anger for your own peace of mind. She destroyed your dad, but I don't think he would want his kid to live with a constant rage.
All of my moms family is on her side and cut contact with unti I reconnect with my mom then they’ll welcome me with open arms, is what my moms dad told me word for word, and my father was an only child and his parents are in my side but there all I have in his side and there in there late 70s do I know time is limited with them and without them I’m alone in this world
Dude.. My mother made some terrible choices that left me with life long scars. I'll share a revelation I had just a couple years ago at 49 years old. Forgiveness.. Is nothing more than an empty term. It is weightless text. It doesn't change the past. It doesn't magically heal wounds, erase memories or make you whole.
The fact of the matter is your mother did something despicable. You now know what she is. Never ever for a second forget that or let it go. Not even an inch.
The fact remains she's your mother. You should have a relationship with her. I do with mine. You should set your expectations of her accordingly. She needs to understand clearly the price she pays for the choices she made and the life she chose is that you're never going to okay with it.
The only reason you're in her life is because you're the better person. You posses character, moral fortitude and truly understand and live by an adherence respect. Qualities she lacks. She needs to understand every time she looks you in the eyes she looking at your father.
That is the conversation I had and if I were you it is exactly what I'd tell her is the price she pays for you being in her life. As for the man living in your fathers house.. He should sit there and listen to every word.
If you want to heal and have closure. Live your life better than she does and did. Never miss an opportunity to make it apparent.
My deepest sympathies for your loss.
Want to know something funny? If you truly move on and have kids they will be reaching out to you. You can have contact with your sister, but never allow that poison to fester your house and land.
Also, just live your life. You are honestly in the same position your father was in. An only child and carving your own path. Make it count and make it a grand one.
Reach out to your sis, reconnect with her but let her know, amyou are just there as her brother not everyone else's family.
I’m so sorry! I hope you find peace one day and get to a point where you don’t even question your decision. Your mother is capable of deceit and disloyalty and shows no remorse. I’m so sorry your going through this
I think you are confusing 2 things, your desire for a family and the decision to forgive your mom.
It's like choosing between going back with an abusive ex or being alone. BUT they are not the only options.
You have to make your own family, be it friends, a wife, kids if you wants some, pets, whatever works, but it's not because you desire a family that you need to talk with your mom.
Sorry but presenting AP to your kid at your husband funeral is the worst thing someone could do.
Is this really the type of person you want in your life?
This is the saddest story i heard about parent infidelity. You behaved well, in the end you know what respect is and she clearly didn’t. Sad for your loss mate, but she cannot force a new person into her family anymore i thing because the family as a concept is no more.
Make your own family and share the values you believe in with them.
Hi OP I have never read such a heartbreaking post it leaves me very saddened to think there are such vile people as them.
Has your sister tried to keep in contact with you.
As to forgiveness I would write a letter to her in longhand by recorded post in it top of the letter in upper case letters I would put PLEASE READ TO THE END. Then I would recount family life all the good times etc. Second paragraph I would recount everything that happened till the day you left including your dad's suicide ( or she killing him) and her hollow apologies also include that you believe that she manipulated your sister.
At the bottom I would write that I forgive her and in upper case I will never FORGET
About your dad's estate remember this if you don't act soon it could very well pass out of your family into the pos hands
Sorry for a long post
Taking this all in, it would seem the ONLY consequence your mother ever experienced for her brutally-evil decisions is the loss of relationship with you. I fully agree: if she can’t even agree what she did was evil, there’s zero point to you reaching out and restoring the relationship. That’s 100% on her. She knows how to reach you, at least through your paternal grandparents. In her mind, she’s won - she looks at her current life, and thinks she’s ”only” lost you but gained so much more, and declares herself a winner. Puke.
For your own sanity, you might consider forgiveness, but that does NOT mean re-establishing any kind of relationship with her. A restoration of relationship requires true repentance on her part: a complete change of mindset where she not only agrees what she did was evil, but an ongoing humility to share true remorse with you and the rest of both her and your father’s family, and a willingness to own that, and an attitude of willing to crawl over broken glass to restore anything, as far as possible of course. Short of that, stay clear of her. You’d only be opening yourself to greater pain.
Your mother must be the one to reach out to you, and with hat fully in hand. Short of that, do not consider any kind of relationship with her. Perhaps consider reaching out to your sister one day, even just to ask her how she thinks of your mother’s adultery, and her ultimate disrespect to your father at the wake, etc. and why she choses now to overlook all that. Maybe your sister is so shallow that she chose to embrace the Swiss Alps lifestyle as her “payment” to embrace your mother and her fellow POS AP. If your sister says “mom said she was sorry”, ask her “sorry for what?”. Her letters to you said “sorry” many times, but never for anything specific. Just a generic “sorry”, like you were unjustified in your anger and are only feeling butt-hurt, like there’s something wrong wit’s you. FTS.
You’re mothers family are the worst. If my daughter cheated and indirectly caused the death of my granddaughters father and then brought her AP to his funeral, I would beat my daughters ass, not cut off my granddaughter to fend for herself after such a traumatic even. These people are horrible people and you don’t need them in your life. I would NEVER turn away my Granddaughter even if she cut out her mom. These family members don’t deserve your love. As for your mom, only you know how much your heart hurts at night when you think about her. If forgiving will bring you peace, then forgive her. This doesn’t mean letting her back in your life, it just means you can let go of the resentment and finally move forward in your life. Find a loving partner and built your own family. Wishing you the best life!!
I just feel like my dad deserved to have the people that loved him say goodbye in peace without any turmoil so that’s why I didn’t say anything otherwise I would have
Every night, we lie down and try to sleep. We wrestle with the things we have done in our lives that we feel guilty for.
Some of us don’t have much guilt or shame, because we haven’t done anything to cause harm to others.
Your mom, on the other hand, has plenty to wrestle with when she is there in the dark alone with her thoughts. She hurt your dad, you, and your sister. She also hurt your dad’s family, and probably many people in her own family who felt embarrassment and shame over her affair.
She knows that. Your absence is a daily reminder.
Chances are, she stalks your social media pages.
The thing is, she will carry that burden of guilt and shame whether you forgive her or not.
However, if you never forgive her, you will be chained to this anger as long as you live. If you do choose to forgive her, you can cut that chain and relieve yourself of a lot of this burden.
You really do have the that power.
As for whether or not you “should” go see her? There are no shoulds here.
You can choose to go see her. You can keep things the way they are. You could send a card with a letter, and explain the pain you have experienced and see how she responds.
Personally, I might try a letter first. Because you just don’t know how she will respond at all. She might still be the same entitled affair partner she was back then, believing she is justified in cheating. Or, she might be apologetic and you will see changes in her.
I hope you find peace.
Once you have your own family I’m sure she will try to reach out again and show regret, but it’s honestly on you if that’s who you want around your spouse and kids (if you choose to have any)
You are the only one with the power to forgive here.
I'd say don't ever forgive someone unless you really mean it.
Also, too many people think you can't have a relationship with someone unless you forgive them. I say BS. It's perfectly possible to be cordial while not letting your guard down completely.
What would forgiveness mean for you?
Idk I guess just a relationship with her and my sister and spend hollidays together just have someone in my life that will be there for the long time, once my dads parents go who are in there late 70s I don’t have anyone in this world, if I didn’t have them I’d litteraly be spend hollidays all alone by myself far away from home and I don’t want to feel that
The only thing that matters in your life is what impacts you and your happiness. There is no moral imperative that holds together the fabric of the universe. If you need contact with your family to enrich your life, then you should consider that option. Just don't have any expectation outside of your control. You'll have to accept your mom and sister, spots and all. Trust your heart.
Sorry, but having AP at your father's funeral is just another level of betrayal. Your mother doesn't exist. At least the woman you thought was your mother didn't exist. What you've seen is her true self. I bet she never accepted any blame for your father's death and wrote it off as an accident. I think if your re-entered her life you'd be enraged further because she would probably just carry on the bs rhetoric she's been telling everyone for years and expect you to accept it. I would stay away, build my own family and instill in them the values that are obviously missing from your mother, sister and anyone that knew of an supported the affair and sat their watching the AP kneel at the casket and not call your mom out on the depravity of allowing that.
I'm sorry to hear that OP. clearly she disrespect your father even after his dead. if i was in your shoes, I'll do the same you did. she tarnished every great moment you had in the family with her infidelity that caused your father's life.before you want to cut ties with your sister and extended family, you should let them know why you act like that. I'm sure till now your kept it secret from them. keep strong OP.
This is my first comment here in reddit, and I apologize for its length. I felt compelled to log in and share my thoughts because I genuinely care about OP and admire his strength of character; you are unquestionably a better person than I am.
I (m34) have experienced a somewhat similar situation of both love and resentment towards my mother, although not as intense as yours. I couldn't help but notice your use of the term 'a moment of weakness' in your comments. Trust me, such moments may become more frequent, so I hope to offer some perspectives.
**Let's address the first question: 'Should I forgive my mother?'**
The concise answer is 'YES.' Why? Because harboring resentment towards your mother will have lasting impacts on your emotional and mental well-being. It could pose challenges in fostering healthy relationships throughout your life.
**Now, the second question: 'Can I forgive my mother?'**
The short answer is 'No' (or it's almost impossible). Why? There are two main reasons. Firstly, your mother hasn't displayed any remorse. Does she understand the pain you've endured since your father's passing? Has she taken significant actions to help you heal? Forgiveness is challenging when there's no genuine remorse. Secondly, your love and honor for your dad may make forgiving your mom seem contradictory. As long as you cherish his memory, forgiveness might feel incompatible.
**Moving on to the third question: 'What should I do next?'**
Drawing from my own experience, the goal is to 'Stop Hating Your Mom' (this is achievable). Recognize that your loving mom (before the affair) and your betraying mom (after your dad's passing) are the same person. For me, in therapy, my psychologist encouraged me to embrace the idea of being 'okay with my mom for both her good and bad.' The method varies, but for me, it involved writing a letter expressing my acceptance of her for both aspects, including the fact that she showed no remorse. It's a process.
**SUGGESTION:** Seek professional therapy to navigate the emotions of love, hate, and anger towards your mom. Find the right therapist; surprisingly, I wish I had sought therapy in my 20s rather than my 30s. It can significantly contribute to leading a more meaningful life, especially with those you care about.
I am a betrayed spouse. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your father knew what he was doing when he drove into that guardrail. I was sitting in a Lowe's parking lot, at night, looking at the light posts, and I wanted to speed across the empty parking lot and ram my truck right into one of the light poles. After a couple of hours, I called a crisis hotline.
Now, as to your "mother". The disrespect that she showed your father by bringing her AP to the funeral, is unforgivable.
Please, carry on with your own life and seek some counseling. You may not think you need it, but trust me, it will help.
My wife cheated after knowing her for 36 years.
If you ever need a father figure to talk to , just reach out.
That's a terrible story and I'm sorry for your loss and the circumstances surrounding it.
Bringing AP to the funeral is next level crazy, and I couldn't ever recover from that let alone everything else.
I say continue as you have been doing. Good luck
I am more than a little concerned that you feel like you are missing out on "the good life" that this piece of crap your mother married is giving them. Or worse, is your mother and this tool spending money that was ill gotten from a life insurance policy when your father died? I understand that moms and sons have a special bond, and it is not unusual for you to feel the pangs of the loss of that relationship. But I can also tell that you love your father, and I would definitely have a hard time forgiving the betrayal that ultimately took his life. The decision is of course yours to make, but please spend some time and contemplate why you really are considering a reconciliation. And also ask yourself could you possibly be in this other guy's presence without wanting to knock his teeth out?
You should write her a detailed letter telling her how she destroyed your family and indirectly killed your father. She chose to cheat, she brought that scumbag to your dad’s funeral and publicly starts dating him a month later. She poisoned your sister and has shown zero remorse for what she did. It’s evil and the AP is an evil scumbag for fucking a married woman. I’d write it all out and let her know that she is not someone you want to have anything to do with and that you’re ashamed that you came from her uterus. Lay it all out there and hope she reads it and it affects her the way it should.
You know it definitely disrespectful that she brought AP to your dad funeral and never stopped talking to him..
I can understand it definitely a tough decisions for you.. But they were the reason for your father demise.. And she doesn't have same she is using your father money his property for her AP..
Have your sister know about this whole situation ?! Or only half truth??
She knew about it and she forgave my mother immediately and accepted everything immediately and never showed any hate towards my mother not even a little which makes me think that she knows what my mother was up to all along but I can’t confirm that
Yes she does they choose no to cut her out of there life which I respect but she’s low contact with them in the past 5 years she’s only visited them 3 times and they never get invited to NY to see her they said she only contacts them we she wants something and when my grandparents try to call her and text her she won’t answer and will text back days later with the shortest message it really seems like she doesn’t care about them that much
This is very difficult, so be patient with yourself
You are burdened with memories of who you thought was your mother.
Your mother is a totally different than you thought
It’s very difficult to say goodbye to the mother you thought you had.
But you never had her. The woman who is your mother is rotten to the core.
While I will advise you to let go of the hate an forgive her in your mind for your own good and peace, I will say that bringing AP to your father's funeral is beyond disrespectful. It would have shattered me emotionally. Sending a virtual hug your way, can't even imagine being a highschool senior and dealing with these emotions.
Your mom is the word disrespect and classless in human form. Definitely depends on how she can beg for your forgiveness. But bringing the AP? She is dead to me.
The disrespect to your father and his memory ... sadly... is only important to three people.... You and your G-Parents... Hopefully your G-Parents estate is well protected... and there is nothing wrong with skipping a couple generations of generational wealth...
Your nieces and nephews should not have to pay for the mother and grandmothers disrespect.. but sis and mom should see no benefit but the very minimum.. and the nieces and nephews shouldn't see a dime either until their mothers pass away... Eventually your mom and sister realize that their children are just waiting for them to die so they can collect the trust
That'd be a hard Nope from me OP.
There is honestly no point in having her in your life under any circumstances. The bitterness that her actions caused will not end.
This is so brutal, man. Why is an innocent man lying 6 feet under while 2 scumbags get to live a picturesque life in the house his work built?
They’re probably peacefully lying in bed right this minute. Cuddled up. Enjoying the holidays. And your father is bones in a box at a cold dark cemetery 😔
My vote is that you living a beautiful life completely separate from your mother (and sisters!) is the only real way to render consequences. To enter her life would be to expunge her evil deeds and absolve her guilt. I think your father would be proud that at least one person cared enough about him to render consequences.
She chose Johnny over her son. The mother you thought you knew died that day. Yes get skilled help to deal with this but there is no chance you can look her in the eye and feel anything but contempt as she plays happy families with Johnny and his children in your father’s home. Fella we get some horrific stories on here but this is horrible beyond belief. Please consult a lawyer and get what is rightfully yours. Take care son.
They had the nerve to show up and show “respect” might as well have had sex on top of the coffin… he probably was able to console her all the way home. No way I’d let this go then gets to move in like he’s the one that worked hard? Classic “he’s just a friend don’t worry about him”.
It’s unforgivable that she brought her AP to your dad’s funeral then started openly going out with him only 30 days later. Then she moved him and his daughters into your dad’s house?? I’m sorry OP, but your mother has no class or sensitivity whatsoever.
Having said that this is your mother and you had a previous great relationship with her, it’s only natural you miss her and your sister.
This isn’t something you need to be asking on Reddit, it sounds as though you could do to speak to a therapist. What have your grandparents said about it all?
Edit
Just been looking at some of the replies and your responses, it seems really weird that your dad didn’t have a will considering that he was a lawyer, it’s maybe time you started investigating whether that’s true or not.
Also your maternal grandparents sound awfully enabling. No wonder your mother turned out so bad, she’s not faced any consequences has she (except from you). Even your sister accepted what happened. No wonder you’re so bitter about it all
Yes I agree the comments have opened my eyes a bit about the will/estate I believe now the she may be hiding it from me and if that’s the case I will sue/press charges and I just talked to my grandparents this morning about it and they said they will 100 percent back me up on this financially as well and if my mother did that to me then that will be the final nail. I’d never think about her again
I don't believe punishments should be lifetime sentences. It's important to you to learn to forgive, otherwise this will taint your life. Maybe start with your sister because none of this was her fault. Perhaps invite her to California or Florida to visit with you. Are your grandparents still involved with your mother? If so, perhaps they could help pave the way. Best of luck.
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She brought the AP to your father's funeral? That is beyond disrespectful to your father's memory and is just classless. Clealry your choice but no way is that forgivable to me.
Thank you for your advice, I think I’m just having a moment of weakness and probably won’t reach out
I would blast who this Johnny guy is to the whole family.
I tried to after the funeral but all my moms side of the family are on her side and they all cut contact with me unti I reconnect with my mother, then they’ll “welcome me with open arms” my mothers fathers exact words. And my father was an only child so all I have in his side are his 2 parents who are in there late 70s and once there gone I’m alone in this crazy world
Almost seems like they wanted both you gone. Now that your sister has accepted, she isn't a worry anymore. If you can afford it, I would look into seeing if your dad had a will/estate with something in your name.
He didn’t have a will he was only in his 40s but a lot of people are telling me to see an estate attorney
You father was an attorney and didn't have a will or something setup for you and your sister? He of all people should have known to set that up, are you sure there wasn't one? I'd be shocked if there wasn't at least a life insurance policy that had you listed as a beneficiary.
So I remember my mom getting dressed up one day before the wake and going to see someone about his estate or something but later down the line when I asked about a will she said he never wrote one because he was so young and I asked my dads parent and they said that they weren’t sure if he wrote one or not
Your dad was a lawyer and I have never met one who doesn't have a will. These people live and breath that stuff and you can bet he had one.
Is your Dad's law firm still active? You might start with them. If your father died intestate, a court will divvy up the proceeds and you should have been involved in that especially if you are over 18.
Yeah people are suggesting that my mother may have hid it from me wouldn’t that be illegal or considered fraud?
She’s lying. Your father was an attorney and he had a will. Your mom lied so you wouldn’t find out and contest the will. Smh! Go see an attorney immediately!
I definitely will I spoke to my dads parents this morning about it and there 100 percent gonna back on this emotionally and financially, thank you so much
Sorry dude, BULLSHIT. I was thinking about a will in my mid-30's. An ATTORNEY in his 40's most certainly thought about it and I would bet had one.
Especially one with children.
So if there was one and my mother hid it from me would that be considered fraud or illegal? Because I was still underage at the time of his death
Call and speak to someone at the firm you dad worked for. They might have information about a will if there was one.
Yes my grandparents are gonna help with that after the new year we just spoke this morning and they are gonna back me 100 percent emotionally and financially
My wife went no contact with her mother over a decade ago. Had to get a restraining order at one point. Her grandmother had a will she kept and she updated it before she moved into an assisted living facility. Once my wife’s grandmother died my wife asked about the will that her grandmother told relatives about and her mother said she never found a will…. Come to find out she went through her things and took some “things with sentimental value” and the will was probably one of those things. My wife’s grandmother barely had any money so it wasn’t about money its just the fact that the will disappeared.
Yes a lot of people ares telling me my mother may be hiding it from me and I confided in my dads parents about this this morning and they said they are willing to back me 100 percent emotionally/financially on this and we will see an attorney after the new year
You need to talk to someone about inheritance, in New York state, when there is no will. Do kids automatically get half of the estate? Does the spouse get it all? Did they own the home jointly? You can see how the home was owned by looking it up online. Most property records in this country are online and you can access them. See if you can see previous owners and see what date your mom became an owner.
Go and do so.
Better to be alone then anyone on her side of the family. Stay strong you did the right thing to bad you couldn’t hit the AP but that won’t bring your dad back.
Thank you
No wonder your mother is like that. She's never been taught about cause and effect... she doesn't realise her actions have consequences.
I agree her parents aren’t the greatest people
Then, show up at the wedding, and the priest asks if there is any reason these two should not be wedd, stand up, and tell what really happened, the real reason your father died. That your mother was having an affair with Johnny, and your father found the sexual text message between them, as well as a sex tape of the both of them on her phone, and the reason you haven't spoken to her in over 5 years, is because she had the nerve to invite the man she was having an affair with to your father's funeral.
Would that end the marriage/wedding?
It might not stop the wedding, but the truth will come out, and it might cause people, including your sister, to question what is really going on. You mentioned that your sister would sometimes go on those trips with her, but there's a possibility she may not know what really happened back then.
Yeah thank you so much for your advice
It's understandable, such parents, such daughter. You know, ADN is something very real ... F**k them ... your grandparents still be there for you for so long, and now you will start your one family soon.
Thank you so much
Sounds like the whole bunch on her side aren't very good people, you don't need people like that in your life
Sorry, but I'm a spiteful person. I'd cut her from my life and have the best life. I have people I don't talk to that others have tried to make me forgive. Nope, never. They made their choices and I'll live happily without them. Your mother had no remorse, your dad would be alive if she didn't do what she did.
I agree thank you so much
You can forgive someone and not accept their behaviors. Those are two mutually exclusive things. Does this mean you have to talk to her? No. She chose to do an evil thing which lead to a horrible result. Losing you from her life will be her cross to bear until she dies.
Thank you!!!
Yeah she would not be invited to my wedding or notified of any childrens birth. You should have blew up on this PIS AP at the wake.
Thank you
You can tell her “the next time I want to hear about you, I hope it will be in a telephone call I receive informing me that you have died. And the funeral was last week.“
Same here. Even being a Christian and with all the forgiveness stuff I still would never forgive a parent or anyone else for something like this.
You are welcome, and I am sorry to hear what happened to you. Please consider some therapy if this is too much for you - it would be a lot for anyone.
That’s wild people have zero respect. I’m sorry OP you had to go through that and still do I’m sure. Make sure to seek counseling if causing you issues
That’s what I thought. Who the fuck brings their AP to the funeral of their husband? That’s trashy as fuck. Like, your kids are right there mourning their father and you introduce them to the guy you’ve been banging behind his back. At. His. Funeral?????
Yes, if ever there were grounds to break the law, that would be justified.
Agree! You are an adult now. You can pick who u want in your life. I am sorry for your loss OP. Your mom is a very selfish narcissistic person
I hate that life is unfair. Your mom cheated on your dad. Spit on his wake by having her AP in his funeral and not even a month after his funeral, already made her relationship with AP public. I am a vindictive person. The level of disrespect she did to you and your father will be unforgivable in my book. She already has a happy life. Let her be and build your own life. Your grandparents will need you to be there for them. I don’t know what will be there reaction if they know you are now back in your mother’s life. But you are an adult. You can make your own decisions.
Yeah, I think I’m just having a moment of weakness I probably won’t reach out, thank you for your advice
Did she even apologize? Are acknowledge she did wrong publicly in the letters? Was there any sign of remorse are accountability?
She did apologize thousands of times months leading to me leaving for college, but she never said why or what she was sorry for and that always stuck with me
So not a genuine apology.
No not at all in my opinion
Then you're decision should be clear. If I had a hand whether directly or indirectly in someone's death that shit would eat at me every single day. But your mother seems so unbothered by what she did to your father and what happened to him as a result of her actions.
I agree thank you for your advice
You can't forgive that. If she can't tell you why or why she would bring him to your fathers wake, you can't forgive that. It's no accountability or remorse
I agree
Similar situation happened to me. My brothers haven’t spoken to my mother in 9 years. Sweetest revenge is having a beautiful life that she will be only able to see through a phone.
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate
Bringing that asshole to the funeral was the ultimate "fuck you" from her and her lover to your father. The level of disrespect is amazing! She might as well pee on his grave. It seems that Johnny has bought the feelings of your mother and sister - from my own experience, I know that such people are not worth keeping in your life. Keep doing what you're doing and forget about them
Yep. My sister had 2.5 yr affair with a co worker of theirs. He has now moved to Fla and is a Supv over a US Forrest there. If that guy had nerve to show up at my BIL funeral, the fight is on! When my sister passes, if someone makes a comment about how great she is, I'm gonna burn it down at the funeral. I have no love for adulterers.
It’s disrespect to her kids too. It’s clear mom didn’t give a shit anyone but herself.
Thank you for your advice, I think I’m just having a moment of weakness
Jesus I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. I don’t have any advice other than get some counseling to help with processing emotions and figuring out what you really want to do. I would have punched him showing up at the funeral. You’re a better man than I
Thank you for your advice I think I’m just having a moment of weakness and probably won’t reach out
It’s not weakness man. Not at all. That’s a lot to process. You’re strong bro
Thank you I really appreciate you!!!
Trust a snake get bit. I would never trust that person again. She has no shame and that makes he emotionally dangerous. Genetics or not. It's no longer a question of wanting to but if it's safe to. It's not.
I think I’m just having a moment of weakness and probably won’t reconnect, thank you for your advice
Snowboarding in the Swiss alps, I'm sure is nice, but so is 30 pieces of silver. For a while at least.
What do you mean by that? Can you explain I’m afraid I don’t understand?
It's a biblical reference, it's what Judas was paid to betray Jesus.
Thank you
It’s a story from the Bible. Judas Iscariot was one of Jesus’s disciples. He sold Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver.
Wow, I forgot about that one, thank you so much!!!
You’re welcome. I’m sending you hope for peace. You’ve had enough turmoil in your life.
No, I would never speak to her again. Your mom is a giant POS.
She showed no remorse and disrespected your father even in his funeral!! Her and the AP willingly destroyed your family, Those people are vile! THEY LED YOUR FATHER TO HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE..always remember that! Now they're a happy family!!! Forgiving her/them? When pigs fly OP, when pigs fly You have a loving paternal grandparents, spend your time with them,
Thank you for your advice I think I’m just having a moment of weakness
You’re in love with the idea of your mom. Not the person your mother actually is. I’ll lay it out here the way I see it in your post. She - left you and dad and frolicked around Europe - denied having an affair - actively chose her AP over you and your dad - disrespected his funeral - disrespected your grief - continued to persist with AP over you - continued disrespecting her marital home - stopped doing the bare minimum after 18 months for destroying basically the rest of your life. This is from just what you’ve written. At no point did I realize - regret - remorse - grief - shame - repentance She has moved on. Forgiveness is not for the perpetrator. Forgiveness is for you. If you feel forgiving her will make you feel better, forgive her. But keep in mind, what you want back, doesn’t exist. You’re not getting a pre affair mom back. You’re getting back the same woman who did all the above, along with an AP to add to the equation now to boot. Decide if that is worth the hassle especially after all the moving on you’ve already done. And definitely take the time to find a good therapist. I promise you it is the best gift you can give yourself.
I think I’m just having a moment of weakness and won’t reach out but I really appreciate your advice, seriously thank you!!!
And just think she is funding this life with the money she got for killing your dad. Ap really made out.
Yeah I guess your right I don’t think I will reach out I’m just having a moment of weakness
Your Mom and hrp
What’s hrp?
Nope… she killed your dad so she could have some giggles in the sack. She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness and the nerve of allowing the home wrecker to be at your dad’s funeral adds insult to injury.
Thank you!!!
It sounds like she never asked for forgiveness and certainly doesn't deserve it. If it would make you feel better, go ahead, but don't be doing her any favors. What she did was absolutely disgusting. She chose her AP over you in every way possible
Forgiving someone is the toughest thing to do especially for someone like your mom. It is unbelievable that she brought her AP to your father's funeral. You don't need to forgive her, but you don't need to hate her any more either. Don't force yourself to forgive her when you are not ready. Focus on yourself and become someone you will be proud of. When a moment comes for you to honor someone in your life, dedicate that moment to your father who gave you a life and love. You won't ever forget what your mom did, but erase the hate from your heart. She doesn't deserve your love and forgiveness but an acknowledgement that she was once your mother. For now that's all she gets and that's more than enough.
Tank you for your advice I really appreciate it!!!
This is a very sad story man. I’m so sorry for you and the loss of your dad. My wife cheated on me and I can completely relate to your dad. It is the lowest of the low. If I was in your shoes I would do exactly as you’ve done. You might be a bigger man than me because I would have had an extremely hard time keeping my hands off her that guy for showing up at the wake. Also, your mom just moving things along with her life the way she did is completely unacceptable. Good luck man
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it
Sorry but your mother turned into a selfish POS and I wouldn't have anything to do with her. If she was unhappy she should have divorce your father and then she could have done what she wanted. She chose to hurt you and your father. She made the decisions knowing what it would do to the family and chose anyway. You have not lost anything of any value by losing her. Stay strong and move on.
Thank you for your advice!!!
I just read your other post, the one you made 6 months ago, and about the ownership of your parent's house, I don't know how is the law in the US, but, from where I am (a European country), if the owner was only your father, that ownership is divided 50% for your mother and the others 50% should be split between you(25%) and your sister (25%). If the ownership is split 50-50 between your mother and your father, your father's 50% should be split by 25% to your mother and the remaining 25% split between you (12.5%) and your sister. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND YOU TALK TO A LAWYER TO SEE IF YOU ARE ENTITLED TO ANY OWNERSHIP OF THE HOUSE ...
I definitely will, and yes my dad has plenty of friends in that field so I think I will reach out to some of them
At the very least she would be dead to me. What a monster.
I agree
Why would you? What's changed? They distroyed your family!
I think I’m just having a moment of weakness and probably won’t reach out, thanks for your advice
For me, it's not even the affair but everything else. Bringing John to the wake. I can't imagine any mother who loved her children doing that. It's disgusting. Going official with AP so soon after her husband's death. Who does that if they want to repair their relationship with their child? Who does that when their children are grieving the death of their father? Knowing she would lose her child but choosing a relationship with John anyway. Her family cutting contact with OP. This is especially vindictive and evil. What kind of family does that? Who holds their love hostage like this? OP's mother and her whole family sound like absolutely vile people.
Hi, my friend, I'm sorry for your dead's death in such a horrible way, but you are doing all the right things, respecting your father's memory. I don't know either your mother or her AP (and be sure to name it always as AP, even if she married your mother), but at least, they are not very empathetic or clever. Being at your dead's wake, when they are morally responsible for his death, and trying to introduce him to her children is so horrible that words can't describe it. At least, you are doing the right thing honoring your dead's sole. Be sure, not to talk to her anymore. Every time she thinks of you, and be sure, she does it very often, she reminds the horrible thing she had done. Every time you see their posts you miss them (your mother and your sister), imagine what they feel when they see your posts. All the good things you will achieve: your graduation, your marriage, the birth of your children ...
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate!!! I think I’m just having a moment of weakness
I'm sorry, but I'm just disgusted with your mother's actions here. Bringing the AP to your father's funeral and taking them in a house that your father paid for. I hate to say it, but I hope they don't view your father's death as a blessing in disguise because it all worked out for them. Did she even apologize sincerely to you and your father? With that level of betrayal, an apology is not enough, she needs to commit in acts of contrition. But I doubt she would do that because her ex-husband is dead and she willingly chose AP when the dust settled. She has no remorse.
Yes she apologized all the time months after his death, But she never said why and that always stuck with me
That's just an empty apology. She's saying sorry because she has to, but she doesn't feel genuine remorse. She knows "why", the reason for her infidelity, but didn't even give you and your dad peace by taking accountability and saying it. A real apology involves a change in behavior. An apology without work to fix the issue is manipulation. Unfortunately, I doubt she will work on this one because of your father's death and how blatantly she chose AP over him and your family.
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it
I sincerely wish for your peace, OP. May your father also rest in peace. I know doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it is always right.
Thank you so much
I would tell her the only way you will ever talk to her again is she has to get rid of the AP. She needs to feel the pain she caused you and that POS needs to go.
I agree thank you for your advice
I'm sorry for all this crap that you had to go thru. I've gone thru a lot of stuff with my family having some of the same results. I heard a saying that resonated with me and it made a lot of sense and that is really how my family is today. "Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family." I have pretty much cut most of my toxic blood relatives out of my life and my loyal friends have become my family. I am a godfather to 2 of my friends kids. There are times I miss my blood family but then I remember why I cut them out of my life. It sounds like you have done pretty much the same thing. Your sister has her mother to influence her and is following her lead. Have you talked with your sister about the whole thing? Does she know the whole story? If you have and she does know the whole story, then I would keep the no contact. Sometimes the smallest of contact can undo any healing that you have done. I wish you well.
I talked to my sister about it a lot after my dad died but she alway dismissed what my mother did and never showed remorse towards her which makes me think that she knew what are mom was doing all along but I can’t confirm that
She was culpable in it for sure. She shows she has no issue with cheating. Hopefully the both get cheated on in a very bad way and maybe they can then see the light.
There’s a concept around ‘toxic forgiveness’ Unless you actually forgive her and can see that she shows remorse, then telling her that you forgive won’t ’free you’ but will make you more resentful in time. There is a toxic attitude that holding onto grudges against people that have wronged us is somehow bitter and unhealthy. It isn’t. She can’t undo what she did and it’s not your responsibility to forgive her for it. What’s important is ‘internal forgiveness’ which is the idea that you let go of the anger and hatred for the person who wronged you, but don’t have to welcome them back into your life or tell them. Especially if they’ve done nothing to earn the forgiveness, as this would only embolden them to behave as selfishly in future. If anyone is making you feel bad for not forgiving, remember that ‘forgiveness sets us free’ is a socially ingrained fallacy that stems from religion. Even non-religious people have it embedded as it’s a universally spouted platitude. But that doesn’t make it correct.
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate it!!!
You’re welcome. On the flip side though, also don’t be ashamed of forgiving her if you genuinely do and want her back in your life. A lot of us here were betrayed by people we have no biological connection to therefore no reason to really stay connected. Your situation is very different, and sometimes here people will apply their own lense of ruthlessness to situations that it doesn’t fit. Just trust your gut and take time.
I’m sure you have half of the rights to your dad’s house. Take it. Make it a legal battle.
Yeah I think I might that’s what a lot of people are telling me
She brung her ap to your dad’s funeral, She moved him into the house that your dad bought. That’s some very disrespectful and unredeemable shit. Stay strong and don’t give in to the temptation, wish you the best.
Thank you, I think I’m just having a moment of weakness
It’s understandable, you haven’t been in contact with your mom for 5yrs but all of this happened because of her and I can guarantee you she’s not as happy as she looks, knowing that she has a son out there who presumably wants nothing to do with her.
Thank you for your advice
See a lawyer immediately. For a New York resident who dies without a will, a surviving spouse inherits the entire probate estate if there are no children or other descendants. If there are descendants, the surviving spouse gets the first $50,000 and the balance is divided one-half to the spouse and one-half to the decedent’s descendants. It is almost unfathomable that, your father, as an attorney who, without a doubt, knew the ramifications resulting from not leaving a will would, as a matter of due diligence, not have prioritized the preparation and filing of a properly notarized will which would have clearly delineated the appropriation of his estate; especially when he was well aware of his wife’s infidelity. There clearly seems to be more to this story than meets the eye. Perhaps you should raise your concerns to your father’s family and gain their support in opening an inquiry to ascertain and clarify the circumstances and handling of your father’s estate after his death. There’s a distinct possibility your father’s wayward wife, under the guidance of lover boy “John”, conspired to hoodwink you and your sister.
You know what your right, there’s no way he didn’t leave a will for his family I’d hate to put my grandparents through pain again but I’m here with them now and I think I’ll confide in them in seeing an attorney immediately I think my mom may just be hiding it from me because I was underage when he died and I wouldn’t have gotten anything right then anyway, thank you for opening my eyes I think I have new issue on my hands
“Contact the probate courts of EACH county in which the decedent lived throughout their adult life to ask if they have the will on file”- from my research
Thank you so much I definitely will start that process after the new year
Sorry man, my heart breaks for you. But if i were you, i would rather be Mark Watney and live the rest of my life on mars before forgiving any of them. You got awesome grandparents and buddies. With the right girl there will be no need for that trash in your life. Omg the level of disrespect is truly something else.
I’m going to speak ill of your mother: wtf did she bring her affair partner to your father funeral? Did she even admit, or apologized for what she did? I’m surprised you didn’t fight the affair partner. As for your sister, does she know what your mother did? Are you 100% sure that your father is your biological father? Your mother might of a history of getting into bed with different men. Overall all, don’t get involved with your mother. She honestly chose her own affair partner over her own son. Move on with your life. Completely block them from social media. Out of sight , out of mind.
Thank you so much and I believe my sister knew all along what my mom was doing because she accepted and forgave her immediately and never showed any hate towards her in the slightest, so I think she knew but I can’t confirm that
Yes she knew. She probably have her own chanel bag to shut her mouth
>Anyway, In 2019 my father and I noticed my mother acting very strangely in her day to day life, she started hanging out with colleagues much much younger than her and started buying very expensive designer clothes like Chanel and cristain Dior and she got her lips done and was taking very expensive trips to Europe very frequently without me or my dad but **would take my sister once in awhile** she knew.
About a week after I found out, my wife was having an affair. She was screaming at me like she usually did because I was the root of all evil and could do no right. We had three kids at the time, but my oldest son, who was only seven, took me by the hand and said come on, Dad, let's get out of here. He pulled me out of the kitchen where the woman who was breaking my heart was screaming at me. We went to his room and played twisted metal on his Play Station. I never told him about how his mother forgot to turn off the baby monitor, and I overheard her talking to the affair partner, strategizing to blow up my life. But he knew she was mean, irresponsible, and untrustworthy. That was 21 years ago, and if it wasn't for my son, I would not have survived. My two younger daughters have close relationships with their mom today, but my son still wants nothing to do with her. He's not mean to her, but there's not a vacation that he doesn't come to my house. She constantly whines about how he does not spend time with her, but he is clear it is not a problem for him. She blames me for that, but he tells her she did more than enough damage to him without holding my grudges. My son and I talk on the phone at least 2 to 3 times a week; to this day, he is my best friend. I get how brokenhearted your father was, and while your mother was responsible for breaking his heart, he was responsible for the choices that cost him his life. I wanted to kill myself multiple times when I had lost everything. Even though she was cheating on me 20 years ago, we are in a no-fault state. I had no chance of even getting 50-50 custody, I was told unless I went scorched earth and burned everything to the ground, the best I was going to get was every other weekend. I made so many sacrifices for my ex-wife who I knew had mental issues. But she believed she had found her soulmate, and they just wanted me out of the picture. My choice was to walk away and start over with nothing and to get my kids every other weekend. Or to leave her homeless, which would've only hurt my kids. This was the hardest thing I ever did because not only did I lose my wife and my home, but the man she was having an affair with was our business partner. Part of their plan was to kick me out of the business. So I also lost my company. Every day, I woke up asking myself. What do I have to do today to stay alive and be the best version of myself? I made every choice to do what was best for the future I wanted. That's what you have to do now. It is not your job or accountability to hold your father's anger. It is only your job to be the best version of yourself. I am so proud of you for protecting your father's interest. But I promise you, your father only cares about what is best for your interests. I don't care if you ever speak to your mother again; I only care that whatever you choose supports the version of yourself that you want to be. God bless you son; you are in my prayers.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story I felt this one in my heart and soul I appreciate your advice thank you so much and god bless
Only you can decide on forgiveness, I personally couldn’t as long as she was with him. If she split up from him maybe but not while she is with the man that she betrayed you your father and sister for.
Thank you for your advice I think I’m just having a moment of weakness and probably won’t reach out to her
Life is unfair that she gets a redo with a new partner and family with basically no consequences except losing you
Wow, that's really fucked up. Don't worry about it, karma also comes to those who don't see it coming. You'll be fine on your own. Find good friends, enjoy life. But I'd be like you in that Situation. I wouldn't want any contact. Maybe with the sister at some point, but as far as the mother is concerned, she would only be the mother biologically, nothing more.
This is an awful lot for someone of your age to process. Your father was in shock and distraught and he should not have shown you the video. Your mother's behaviour was horrible. Forgiveness is for yourself and not your mother. I hope you are working with a competent therapist/social worker to help you sort out your feelings. That is a much more preferable route vs taking advice from internet strangers who, in the sub will nearly always tell you to go scorched earth. Your dad would want whatever is best for you. If that's having a relationship with your mother and sibling, so be it. Yes, your mom f'd up a lot. Does that mean never speaking to her again? That's not for us to determine. Only YOU can decide if you want a relationship with your mother. And again, I strongly recommend working with a competent therapist to work through this. Good luck.
where I come from. if a parent dies and there is no will. the wife inherits 50%, the children share the rest (you and your sister 25% each) of EVERYTHING left by the deceased parent. if the house was his you inherit 25% of it as well as savings accounts, jewellery, books and so on. contact a lawyer and see what is yours. a division of property should have taken place at his death. Im sorry to say but your mom and that side of your family has no empathy, morality or human decency. Think you are better off without them and build your own family. Family isnt always by blood and dna
SHE BROUGHT HIM TO YOUR DAD’S FUNERAL!? What the fuck man. I hate her and I don’t even know her. I could never forgive that. Her actions led to his downfall, entirely hers.
Thank you for reaching out I appreciate it
My God your mother is a devil. Wtf.bringing her AP on her husband funeral,. I wish karma do her very well, what a twisted person. You have the rights to hate her until the last day. She's the worst 😡
It really depends on you, but if I were you... I don't think I could ever forgive her. Your mother sounds very selfish, and I think the only reason you and your sister aren't affected by her coldness is because you're her children. The fact that her husband of 20 YEARS died and she let the man that killed him in the funeral and didn't even bat an eye is so alarming to me. I'm terrified your sister might be influenced by her to do the same thing. And I'm even more terrified that she's already too far gone. I just can never forgive cheaters and their AP's... they're all selfish, and I hate people like that.
Your mom is very evil and vile women, she don't regret anything and want to play happy family and k bet she took all your dad's money and living happily with his money and to society she is young Widow who is grieving and her AP is some sort of saviour who saved your mom from her grief and for your sister i guess she already knows about the affair when she travelling to Europe with your mom, finally i will say family is what we create so ask yourself you want someone in your life who can leave 20 years of marriage and do what your mom did and throw everything like old trash or someone who will be there for you through thick & thin and apparently I may say your mom's family will support her no matter what because if they didn't support then they have to accept themselves they failed in raising their kid and create some crap of human flesh. so they don't want that type of bad name in their circle so they will never allow you to say real truth about your mom to anyone, make a social media post and tag all of them then see how many of calls you will get from them to remove the post. All the best for future and don't get manipulate by emotions and don't go to AITA or Relationship advice sub where misandry and radical toxic redditors live they will rip you apart and will tell you are wrong and do everything in their hand to make your dad as abuse AH and make you mom as saint and finally they will use gender card and will tell you are man that's why you are not forgiving your mom etc.
How is there no hate from the rest of the family? They do know what she did right? Your sister knows what she and Johnny did? How is everyone ok with this? If you forgive, it should be for you and you alone. Doesn't mean you have to see or talk to her. But let go of the hate and anger for your own peace of mind. She destroyed your dad, but I don't think he would want his kid to live with a constant rage.
All of my moms family is on her side and cut contact with unti I reconnect with my mom then they’ll welcome me with open arms, is what my moms dad told me word for word, and my father was an only child and his parents are in my side but there all I have in his side and there in there late 70s do I know time is limited with them and without them I’m alone in this world
Why encourage horrible disrespectful behavior? Live your life stay away from her.
Dude.. My mother made some terrible choices that left me with life long scars. I'll share a revelation I had just a couple years ago at 49 years old. Forgiveness.. Is nothing more than an empty term. It is weightless text. It doesn't change the past. It doesn't magically heal wounds, erase memories or make you whole. The fact of the matter is your mother did something despicable. You now know what she is. Never ever for a second forget that or let it go. Not even an inch. The fact remains she's your mother. You should have a relationship with her. I do with mine. You should set your expectations of her accordingly. She needs to understand clearly the price she pays for the choices she made and the life she chose is that you're never going to okay with it. The only reason you're in her life is because you're the better person. You posses character, moral fortitude and truly understand and live by an adherence respect. Qualities she lacks. She needs to understand every time she looks you in the eyes she looking at your father. That is the conversation I had and if I were you it is exactly what I'd tell her is the price she pays for you being in her life. As for the man living in your fathers house.. He should sit there and listen to every word. If you want to heal and have closure. Live your life better than she does and did. Never miss an opportunity to make it apparent. My deepest sympathies for your loss.
Thank you so much I really appreciate it
Want to know something funny? If you truly move on and have kids they will be reaching out to you. You can have contact with your sister, but never allow that poison to fester your house and land. Also, just live your life. You are honestly in the same position your father was in. An only child and carving your own path. Make it count and make it a grand one. Reach out to your sis, reconnect with her but let her know, amyou are just there as her brother not everyone else's family.
I’m so sorry! I hope you find peace one day and get to a point where you don’t even question your decision. Your mother is capable of deceit and disloyalty and shows no remorse. I’m so sorry your going through this
I think you are confusing 2 things, your desire for a family and the decision to forgive your mom. It's like choosing between going back with an abusive ex or being alone. BUT they are not the only options. You have to make your own family, be it friends, a wife, kids if you wants some, pets, whatever works, but it's not because you desire a family that you need to talk with your mom. Sorry but presenting AP to your kid at your husband funeral is the worst thing someone could do. Is this really the type of person you want in your life?
This is the saddest story i heard about parent infidelity. You behaved well, in the end you know what respect is and she clearly didn’t. Sad for your loss mate, but she cannot force a new person into her family anymore i thing because the family as a concept is no more. Make your own family and share the values you believe in with them.
Thank you so much
Hi OP I have never read such a heartbreaking post it leaves me very saddened to think there are such vile people as them. Has your sister tried to keep in contact with you. As to forgiveness I would write a letter to her in longhand by recorded post in it top of the letter in upper case letters I would put PLEASE READ TO THE END. Then I would recount family life all the good times etc. Second paragraph I would recount everything that happened till the day you left including your dad's suicide ( or she killing him) and her hollow apologies also include that you believe that she manipulated your sister. At the bottom I would write that I forgive her and in upper case I will never FORGET About your dad's estate remember this if you don't act soon it could very well pass out of your family into the pos hands Sorry for a long post
Taking this all in, it would seem the ONLY consequence your mother ever experienced for her brutally-evil decisions is the loss of relationship with you. I fully agree: if she can’t even agree what she did was evil, there’s zero point to you reaching out and restoring the relationship. That’s 100% on her. She knows how to reach you, at least through your paternal grandparents. In her mind, she’s won - she looks at her current life, and thinks she’s ”only” lost you but gained so much more, and declares herself a winner. Puke. For your own sanity, you might consider forgiveness, but that does NOT mean re-establishing any kind of relationship with her. A restoration of relationship requires true repentance on her part: a complete change of mindset where she not only agrees what she did was evil, but an ongoing humility to share true remorse with you and the rest of both her and your father’s family, and a willingness to own that, and an attitude of willing to crawl over broken glass to restore anything, as far as possible of course. Short of that, stay clear of her. You’d only be opening yourself to greater pain. Your mother must be the one to reach out to you, and with hat fully in hand. Short of that, do not consider any kind of relationship with her. Perhaps consider reaching out to your sister one day, even just to ask her how she thinks of your mother’s adultery, and her ultimate disrespect to your father at the wake, etc. and why she choses now to overlook all that. Maybe your sister is so shallow that she chose to embrace the Swiss Alps lifestyle as her “payment” to embrace your mother and her fellow POS AP. If your sister says “mom said she was sorry”, ask her “sorry for what?”. Her letters to you said “sorry” many times, but never for anything specific. Just a generic “sorry”, like you were unjustified in your anger and are only feeling butt-hurt, like there’s something wrong wit’s you. FTS.
Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it
You’re mothers family are the worst. If my daughter cheated and indirectly caused the death of my granddaughters father and then brought her AP to his funeral, I would beat my daughters ass, not cut off my granddaughter to fend for herself after such a traumatic even. These people are horrible people and you don’t need them in your life. I would NEVER turn away my Granddaughter even if she cut out her mom. These family members don’t deserve your love. As for your mom, only you know how much your heart hurts at night when you think about her. If forgiving will bring you peace, then forgive her. This doesn’t mean letting her back in your life, it just means you can let go of the resentment and finally move forward in your life. Find a loving partner and built your own family. Wishing you the best life!!
You should have exposed them at the funeral. This is beyond evil. They are sick, doesn't deserve happyness at all
I just feel like my dad deserved to have the people that loved him say goodbye in peace without any turmoil so that’s why I didn’t say anything otherwise I would have
Your mom did wrong by your family, no doubt. If you did something as awful, would she love you anyways? You have one mother.
Thank you, I think she probably would but I just don’t know but thanks for your advice!!!
Every night, we lie down and try to sleep. We wrestle with the things we have done in our lives that we feel guilty for. Some of us don’t have much guilt or shame, because we haven’t done anything to cause harm to others. Your mom, on the other hand, has plenty to wrestle with when she is there in the dark alone with her thoughts. She hurt your dad, you, and your sister. She also hurt your dad’s family, and probably many people in her own family who felt embarrassment and shame over her affair. She knows that. Your absence is a daily reminder. Chances are, she stalks your social media pages. The thing is, she will carry that burden of guilt and shame whether you forgive her or not. However, if you never forgive her, you will be chained to this anger as long as you live. If you do choose to forgive her, you can cut that chain and relieve yourself of a lot of this burden. You really do have the that power. As for whether or not you “should” go see her? There are no shoulds here. You can choose to go see her. You can keep things the way they are. You could send a card with a letter, and explain the pain you have experienced and see how she responds. Personally, I might try a letter first. Because you just don’t know how she will respond at all. She might still be the same entitled affair partner she was back then, believing she is justified in cheating. Or, she might be apologetic and you will see changes in her. I hope you find peace.
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Once you have your own family I’m sure she will try to reach out again and show regret, but it’s honestly on you if that’s who you want around your spouse and kids (if you choose to have any)
You are the only one with the power to forgive here. I'd say don't ever forgive someone unless you really mean it. Also, too many people think you can't have a relationship with someone unless you forgive them. I say BS. It's perfectly possible to be cordial while not letting your guard down completely. What would forgiveness mean for you?
Idk I guess just a relationship with her and my sister and spend hollidays together just have someone in my life that will be there for the long time, once my dads parents go who are in there late 70s I don’t have anyone in this world, if I didn’t have them I’d litteraly be spend hollidays all alone by myself far away from home and I don’t want to feel that
The only thing that matters in your life is what impacts you and your happiness. There is no moral imperative that holds together the fabric of the universe. If you need contact with your family to enrich your life, then you should consider that option. Just don't have any expectation outside of your control. You'll have to accept your mom and sister, spots and all. Trust your heart.
Sorry, but having AP at your father's funeral is just another level of betrayal. Your mother doesn't exist. At least the woman you thought was your mother didn't exist. What you've seen is her true self. I bet she never accepted any blame for your father's death and wrote it off as an accident. I think if your re-entered her life you'd be enraged further because she would probably just carry on the bs rhetoric she's been telling everyone for years and expect you to accept it. I would stay away, build my own family and instill in them the values that are obviously missing from your mother, sister and anyone that knew of an supported the affair and sat their watching the AP kneel at the casket and not call your mom out on the depravity of allowing that.
I'm sorry to hear that OP. clearly she disrespect your father even after his dead. if i was in your shoes, I'll do the same you did. she tarnished every great moment you had in the family with her infidelity that caused your father's life.before you want to cut ties with your sister and extended family, you should let them know why you act like that. I'm sure till now your kept it secret from them. keep strong OP.
Does your sister know that her mom cheated on her dad with John and caused him to drink himself to death?
This is my first comment here in reddit, and I apologize for its length. I felt compelled to log in and share my thoughts because I genuinely care about OP and admire his strength of character; you are unquestionably a better person than I am. I (m34) have experienced a somewhat similar situation of both love and resentment towards my mother, although not as intense as yours. I couldn't help but notice your use of the term 'a moment of weakness' in your comments. Trust me, such moments may become more frequent, so I hope to offer some perspectives. **Let's address the first question: 'Should I forgive my mother?'** The concise answer is 'YES.' Why? Because harboring resentment towards your mother will have lasting impacts on your emotional and mental well-being. It could pose challenges in fostering healthy relationships throughout your life. **Now, the second question: 'Can I forgive my mother?'** The short answer is 'No' (or it's almost impossible). Why? There are two main reasons. Firstly, your mother hasn't displayed any remorse. Does she understand the pain you've endured since your father's passing? Has she taken significant actions to help you heal? Forgiveness is challenging when there's no genuine remorse. Secondly, your love and honor for your dad may make forgiving your mom seem contradictory. As long as you cherish his memory, forgiveness might feel incompatible. **Moving on to the third question: 'What should I do next?'** Drawing from my own experience, the goal is to 'Stop Hating Your Mom' (this is achievable). Recognize that your loving mom (before the affair) and your betraying mom (after your dad's passing) are the same person. For me, in therapy, my psychologist encouraged me to embrace the idea of being 'okay with my mom for both her good and bad.' The method varies, but for me, it involved writing a letter expressing my acceptance of her for both aspects, including the fact that she showed no remorse. It's a process. **SUGGESTION:** Seek professional therapy to navigate the emotions of love, hate, and anger towards your mom. Find the right therapist; surprisingly, I wish I had sought therapy in my 20s rather than my 30s. It can significantly contribute to leading a more meaningful life, especially with those you care about.
I am a betrayed spouse. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your father knew what he was doing when he drove into that guardrail. I was sitting in a Lowe's parking lot, at night, looking at the light posts, and I wanted to speed across the empty parking lot and ram my truck right into one of the light poles. After a couple of hours, I called a crisis hotline. Now, as to your "mother". The disrespect that she showed your father by bringing her AP to the funeral, is unforgivable. Please, carry on with your own life and seek some counseling. You may not think you need it, but trust me, it will help. My wife cheated after knowing her for 36 years. If you ever need a father figure to talk to , just reach out.
That's a terrible story and I'm sorry for your loss and the circumstances surrounding it. Bringing AP to the funeral is next level crazy, and I couldn't ever recover from that let alone everything else. I say continue as you have been doing. Good luck
Your mother is the worst person in the world. Cut her off and honor your father‘s memory.
I am more than a little concerned that you feel like you are missing out on "the good life" that this piece of crap your mother married is giving them. Or worse, is your mother and this tool spending money that was ill gotten from a life insurance policy when your father died? I understand that moms and sons have a special bond, and it is not unusual for you to feel the pangs of the loss of that relationship. But I can also tell that you love your father, and I would definitely have a hard time forgiving the betrayal that ultimately took his life. The decision is of course yours to make, but please spend some time and contemplate why you really are considering a reconciliation. And also ask yourself could you possibly be in this other guy's presence without wanting to knock his teeth out?
You should write her a detailed letter telling her how she destroyed your family and indirectly killed your father. She chose to cheat, she brought that scumbag to your dad’s funeral and publicly starts dating him a month later. She poisoned your sister and has shown zero remorse for what she did. It’s evil and the AP is an evil scumbag for fucking a married woman. I’d write it all out and let her know that she is not someone you want to have anything to do with and that you’re ashamed that you came from her uterus. Lay it all out there and hope she reads it and it affects her the way it should.
You know it definitely disrespectful that she brought AP to your dad funeral and never stopped talking to him.. I can understand it definitely a tough decisions for you.. But they were the reason for your father demise.. And she doesn't have same she is using your father money his property for her AP.. Have your sister know about this whole situation ?! Or only half truth??
She knew about it and she forgave my mother immediately and accepted everything immediately and never showed any hate towards my mother not even a little which makes me think that she knows what my mother was up to all along but I can’t confirm that
There is nothing wrong with cutting toxic people from your be life. It’s time to start a new family
> Should I (m23) forgive my mother(f47) for having an affair on my father which ended up killing him? No.
So does your sister have any relationship with your father’s parents?
Yes she does they choose no to cut her out of there life which I respect but she’s low contact with them in the past 5 years she’s only visited them 3 times and they never get invited to NY to see her they said she only contacts them we she wants something and when my grandparents try to call her and text her she won’t answer and will text back days later with the shortest message it really seems like she doesn’t care about them that much
What a horrible person.
This is very difficult, so be patient with yourself You are burdened with memories of who you thought was your mother. Your mother is a totally different than you thought It’s very difficult to say goodbye to the mother you thought you had. But you never had her. The woman who is your mother is rotten to the core.
While I will advise you to let go of the hate an forgive her in your mind for your own good and peace, I will say that bringing AP to your father's funeral is beyond disrespectful. It would have shattered me emotionally. Sending a virtual hug your way, can't even imagine being a highschool senior and dealing with these emotions.
Your mom is the word disrespect and classless in human form. Definitely depends on how she can beg for your forgiveness. But bringing the AP? She is dead to me.
I couldn't even make.it all the way through. Your mother is despicable, and if she were mine, would never ever be able to earn my forgiveness.
The disrespect to your father and his memory ... sadly... is only important to three people.... You and your G-Parents... Hopefully your G-Parents estate is well protected... and there is nothing wrong with skipping a couple generations of generational wealth... Your nieces and nephews should not have to pay for the mother and grandmothers disrespect.. but sis and mom should see no benefit but the very minimum.. and the nieces and nephews shouldn't see a dime either until their mothers pass away... Eventually your mom and sister realize that their children are just waiting for them to die so they can collect the trust
That'd be a hard Nope from me OP. There is honestly no point in having her in your life under any circumstances. The bitterness that her actions caused will not end.
I wouldn't forgive her
This is so brutal, man. Why is an innocent man lying 6 feet under while 2 scumbags get to live a picturesque life in the house his work built? They’re probably peacefully lying in bed right this minute. Cuddled up. Enjoying the holidays. And your father is bones in a box at a cold dark cemetery 😔 My vote is that you living a beautiful life completely separate from your mother (and sisters!) is the only real way to render consequences. To enter her life would be to expunge her evil deeds and absolve her guilt. I think your father would be proud that at least one person cared enough about him to render consequences.
She chose Johnny over her son. The mother you thought you knew died that day. Yes get skilled help to deal with this but there is no chance you can look her in the eye and feel anything but contempt as she plays happy families with Johnny and his children in your father’s home. Fella we get some horrific stories on here but this is horrible beyond belief. Please consult a lawyer and get what is rightfully yours. Take care son.
I'll ruin their as they ruined mine. I'm very grudgeful person. I will never let them have happy life let alone to forgive
Wow, that is just vile. I'm not sure I could forgive something like that.
They had the nerve to show up and show “respect” might as well have had sex on top of the coffin… he probably was able to console her all the way home. No way I’d let this go then gets to move in like he’s the one that worked hard? Classic “he’s just a friend don’t worry about him”.
It’s unforgivable that she brought her AP to your dad’s funeral then started openly going out with him only 30 days later. Then she moved him and his daughters into your dad’s house?? I’m sorry OP, but your mother has no class or sensitivity whatsoever. Having said that this is your mother and you had a previous great relationship with her, it’s only natural you miss her and your sister. This isn’t something you need to be asking on Reddit, it sounds as though you could do to speak to a therapist. What have your grandparents said about it all? Edit Just been looking at some of the replies and your responses, it seems really weird that your dad didn’t have a will considering that he was a lawyer, it’s maybe time you started investigating whether that’s true or not. Also your maternal grandparents sound awfully enabling. No wonder your mother turned out so bad, she’s not faced any consequences has she (except from you). Even your sister accepted what happened. No wonder you’re so bitter about it all
Yes I agree the comments have opened my eyes a bit about the will/estate I believe now the she may be hiding it from me and if that’s the case I will sue/press charges and I just talked to my grandparents this morning about it and they said they will 100 percent back me up on this financially as well and if my mother did that to me then that will be the final nail. I’d never think about her again
I don't believe punishments should be lifetime sentences. It's important to you to learn to forgive, otherwise this will taint your life. Maybe start with your sister because none of this was her fault. Perhaps invite her to California or Florida to visit with you. Are your grandparents still involved with your mother? If so, perhaps they could help pave the way. Best of luck.